2009 年 1 月 19 日 星期一 【晴】

i'm sick.

i work today.. hummm.. nothing much.. Carole was back early, so we talked.
then bored. just bored. then worked.. humm sick.

Tse sir called me talking with me about tomorrow. alright. i think i should rest at home in stead of working..
anyway.. =(
where is Stephen..

>>January 20, 2009 at 3:39:02 PM GMT+8

2009 年 1 月 18 日 星期日 【晴】

hey there..

woke up late... back to work without breakfast... but a strong coffee..
i was late.. i was supposed to be there at 10 but i was there at 11.
then.. Sophia finished work and started chatting with me. Mon is nice actually.. as in not too busy for
the students or classes, so i do could spend time working on some little things i dont ususally have time
for on the other days of the week. so yea.. i made handbooks, printed stuffs, fixed the schedule..
making coppies of different notes or documents that i need everyday.. then i also made coffee..
then i replied a couple enquries.. checking the store room.... bought tons of stationaries, then started
checking every room.. seeing if each room have enough stantionaries, tidyed up the book shelf..
then also packed snack for the whole week.. also new students enrolled today. so... almost everything
done.. i mean the prep for this week. the only thing is... i still need to call some parents tomorrow about
the courses and teacher changing issue. sigh. then also need to call to the interenet company..

personally.. i need to write a letter to the school asking for my offical transcript.. then yea.. need to
send pics to LSC for the morning assembly on Wed morning. i promised them i would go sharing with
the students. then also need to look for my lip palm. dont know where i put them...

hummmmmm... i had lunc with Shan today.. catched up with her alot.. then she also help me painting
my nails. ha... we did that at the office though. ha... then yea... nothing much. James still come to work
as usual, but nothing really happened. the other day i have seat down with him at the Taiwanese tea
house. then.. i talked with him about the situation is getting fishy.. and.... then... yea.. basically he
knows and he wants to be friend with me at least. he likes me but he knows i have a boyfriend, and
he says like... if i am not with my boyfriend, then he hopes i will give him a chance or something. but
at least we still could be friends now. i told him yea. humm so last Sat and today i saw him at work..
and we're just like friends. nothing much special. just like how i treat the other teachers. and now i am
careful as in..... whatever i do or say to him, i would ask myself if i would do the same to the others.
if i would, then that's fine. if i wouldnt, then.. i would think about if it's right to do so. i think now.. i am
just being... nice to him as in... friends. he knows that too. i miss Stephen. i dont know.. but guess he
wouldnt speak to me any soon.. in fact.. i dont know for sure if he would still speak to me. i guess..
these 2 weeks are just like the pause for me as well.. so that i can calm down and think about what
to do, what i want, and how to deal with things like this. i need to breath and.. it's not that i dont love
Stephen. i know i love him much. and i know he doesnt feel secure with what i've done. well... i dont
believe in the rules between girls and guys that much i guess.. i dont know. or i'm just too naive.
i just think this is me.. and i dont mean to make things complicated with intention. it just happens this way.
and James like me. i'm not a very strong person as in know how to say no when it's time to say
no... unless it's on a piece of paper in the exam or something like that in the classroom i usually can
get an A or B... but... in person.. i'm not so strong at all. so.. i dont know. i wish Stephen would understand.
i miss him. i am wondering of him.. i'm thinking of how he's doing and stuffs..

>>January 19, 2009 at 6:01:29 PM GMT+8

2009 年 1 月 17 日 星期六 【晴】

hello..

i'm so tired..

i couldnt sleep last night.. then i got up and.... went out with mom this afternoon.
we met up with auntie Lai. she's been back for awhile already but... never got time to meet up with her.
so today we met up for dim sum, some shopping... then... we left and went to grandpa's birthday dinner.
i dont really like this kind of gatering with dad's family. hummm.. anyway.. i'm so tired.. and tomorrow
i would still need to work. Shan would have lunch with me, and she would help me to paint my nails haha.

anyway,... still havent heard from Stephen.. i miss him.

the quiet scares me' cause it screams the truth, and if i let myself go i'm the only one to blame.
that's the lyrics from Sober.
i dont drink.. but i wish i could be sober =(

>>January 18, 2009 at 4:28:50 PM GMT+8

2009 年 1 月 16 日 星期五 【晴】

i really love you lots.. i really miss you..
but do you really dont want me now?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


i still havent heard from Stephen yet. i guess he's still very angry at me.
hummm he said that before.. before James's really gone, he wouldnt speak with me again..
so... i'm counting the days as well......... i want James leave earlier somehow, coz... once he's gone,
everything might be able to end. i mean... i miss Stephen. i want him. and i refuse to know what James
want. i probably know but i refuse to know.. i mean.. it's nice to have someone to treat you so nice
and so nice, but... i dont really want it from him, i want it from Stephen. but obviously... either Stephen
is trying to push me away or he is just too angry at me..

these days i'm so afraid of getting e-mail. coz... i dont know who sent me e-mails. and the thing is..
i get at least 5 to 10 e-mails per day.. so.. i keep checking.. and everytime my heart beats so fast.
the question is... would the e-mail be from Stephen? what would he say?

then at the same time.. i wonder what if Stephen would leave me.. i wonder what if he would become
very controling.. what if this what if that... then what if i like being treated nicely but he would not..
what if he doesnt love me.. so many questions on my mind.. and the thing is.. he's still keeping me away.

Cas... should you really not take those flowers? but if you didnt take, how did you know how it feels to
have flowers from ppl? i dont know. sigh.

i really miss him... and what am i supposed to do? okay.. i guess he's not ready to talk to me...
so... gotta be patient.. but it's kindda .... weird.. coz usually guys wouldnt do that to girls.

alright.. Sat night.. i go home myself.. bought sushi and ginger ale, too bad no canada dry.. then had
movie... i got myself lots of fresh cookies as well.. the thing is... they dont have nice soft cookies..
but yea.. it's okay. instead of going party or something.. i rather staying home resting.. at least i'm not
so in mood... but i do wanna dance. coz this way i find myself sexy as well. i can only do something to
cheer up myself, right?







>>January 17, 2009 at 6:38:50 PM GMT+8

2009 年 1 月 15 日 星期四 【晴】

hey..

this morning i ate the whole pack of blue berries with coffee.. i found that the blue berries go bad very
quickly. maybe they're not fresh enough when they come to HK. i remember the blue berries taste so
fresh, sweet and nice in Van. i can eat alot alot, and they were not as expensive in HK.
these days are just so hard to get up.. i mean.. it's cold and.. im sleepy. cant really sleep early. too much
to think about... well.. probably shouldnt think too much, just drop it. that could be easlier.

sometimes i still find stress at work.. not as in... many things happened at work but i mean... i'm happy
that Ella's back.. and i was quite used to work with her.. and at the same time, her bad habits are back
as well. so it's just.. like the old days.

i'm so sleepy. 2 cups of coffee everyday. i cant really cut down.

then.. yea.. yesterday i didnt really eat lunch.. not in mood.. then i just went to Esprit. i saw lots of new
items for Spring. but it's still quite chilly outside.. haha. but i did bought some nice t-shirt and a belt..
they are the Fall items and pretty cheap now.. like 40% off. so it's really nice. i tried lots of new items
too.. i find it very strange.. coz even if they were size S, my regular size at Esprit.. they are still quite
loose except the t-shirt i bought, i accidentally picked the XS to the fitting room.. and it fits. so i wonder
if i lose weight or what. but i dont know. i thought i gain weight. sometimes i wear S, but on some items
i wear M... but this time.. i was trying the M, and i find the cutting totally doesnt work on me. so i thought
i'm not gonna get any Spring items from them.. then now.. i dont know.. i might go back sometimes to
try the XS. haha. no.. but i will go check out the edc-Esprit, the younger line. then American Eagle sent
me e-mail telling me how much discount they have now.. like 70% off now. i wonder what's going on..
like are they closing down soon? Marks&Spencer is like that too... 70% off. it's scary.

anyway.. i still havent solved the problems with James or Stephen. it's like... i dont know what i can do.
before James left, Stephen is not gonna talk to me again. and the the thing is.. still have 2 weeks. sigh.
well.. it's actually not that bad.. at least these 2 weeks would help cooling down the heat. then maybe
i should take these 2 weeks to think about myself as well. and this is my problem.. i tend to think for
Stephen before myself. so ... i always listen to him blah blah.. i always thought if he is fine and happy
then i would be okay and fine too. but the thing is... obviously it's only partly true. coz i did feel happy
to be treated nicely and i want that too. so.. i dont know i'm confused. i dont think i like James that much
enough to start another relationship with him right. and there's really nothing going on between us.
but the thing is.. i do think about Stephen.. as in... i did hurt him.. i did feel bad.. but he should understand
that i like being treated nicely. he is my boyfriend.. if he is not treating me right then who should be?
i'm not gonna dump him if he is being nice to me. if he's nice to me, that would only makes me want him
more and love him more. i love him i do, but if i am not satisfied or happy to be with him then... would
that work?

i love Stephen, i do.. but when will he wake up and see? i love his arrogance, i love his everything..
but sometimes... problems dont come from one side. i want to be with him coz i love him. but if he keeps
himself unwanted, then what can i do? sometimes i feel like... no one would understand why i love him
so much or why i am with him. i care about that, but not as much as if we could be together. because
i do love him and i think he does too. maybe this is very stupid, but if the guy loves you that much..
and if you love him as much.. why not... but then if you're not happy, then why still be there for him.

i miss him.

>>January 16, 2009 at 4:58:20 AM GMT+8

2009 年 1 月 14 日 星期三 【晴】

hi..

i bought myslef a nice breakfast this morning, with a strong coffee.
i hope to have a nice morning start... but i m still sad.

i got the unknown id call this morning when i was about to get up.. dont know who that was..
i picked up then.. it got cut off.
these days i really dont feel like to dress up nicely to work or make up.. i'm tired and not in mood.
maybe Ella is gonna complain about this soon.

i got James's mesg last night. hummmm... okay now i think he is serious. he is coming to work on Fri
for Karen. Karen got family problems. then he's also coming on Sat. he asked if we would have lunch
together on Sat. i didnt know what to say. i told him i'm not feeling well so i would get back to him later
on Fri when i saw him at work. i said we could talk later. coz the thing is.. i'm gonna be clear to him
about my situation now. i dont want him to think i'm misleading him or something though he might already
think i am.. i'm gonna talk with him about that on Friday. i prefer telling him in person.. that would be more
respectful. i dont want him feel bad or something.. coz i think these things has to be clear and talked in
the respectful way... i cant just type those and send... he is a nice person.. i dont want him to have
unnecessary hard feelings caused by me. after be clear to him, i guess he would understand more and
then it would be all up to him wether he wants to leave earlier or whatever he feels like to do...
i dont wanna quit before Spring, i need this job to bring me income.

then.. for Stephen.. i dont know.. i think i would just e-mail him telling him about all these stuffs.. maybe
he will think it's all bullshit, i dont know.. i'm just gonna tell him anyway.. wether he accepts or not..
it was really nothing between me and James, besides James was just very nice to me and that does
impressed me. i'm sorry that he found very insulting about those flowers... but what can i do? it was
my first time and the fact is he had never brought me flowers before. he doesnt do that and he doesnt
allow the others to do that for me. then he pushes me away. what does he expect me to do?
i feel like he doesnt trust me, and he doesnt want the others to treat me nice while he also wont treat
me nice. sigh.

i have been thinking yesterday... if i love Stephen that much to accept all his flaws and can appreciate
everything that he does for me and our relationship.. then i really dont see so much he has done.
why castor lau you love him so much. why James is such a mr.right but you dont go for him. why
doesnt Stephen wake up and see what's happening but only blaming on me...

>>January 15, 2009 at 4:42:51 AM GMT+8

2009 年 1 月 13 日 星期二 【晴】

yesterday Mendy said i seem lost weight.
i told her no way. i only ate and sit for doing my paper. in fact i did work 4 days while only standing and
stressing about my paper, yea?

i hope i can lose more. and then what else?

i have been quite worried and sad about the situation i am in now. as in thinking about Stephen and
James.. the thing is... after 2 weeks, after some time... the overwheml is cooling down.. i do realize
that there is really nothing between me and James. maybe it feels like fishy but there is really nothing
at all. he is just being nice and friendly. he might like me but he should sense here is no same feelings
from me.

yesterday stephen e-mailed back.. then we had a few e-mail conversation. i know he is very angry at
me. i dont blame him, coz it's the fact that he would feel so insulting about me getting flowers from the
another guy, then i did bring them home. i did that not for showing off, but i did feel happy to recive
flowers and i dont want to lie about that. i could have just let it happened without letting him know then
he wouldnt find out and wouldnt get hurt. i wanted to tell him coz i wanna be honest with him that
here i do have someone wanna be nice to me, who would do something to make me happy and smile.
deep down i know that Stephen isnt a flower person or someone who would do these stuffs for me.
so when here i have someone doing all these thoughtful things did impress me. i cant deny on it..
but then to be honest, who i love is Stephen, otherwsie he wouldnt have my love and everything even
though there were so many things happened between us. James is just a super nice person. if i am
single, i would go for him. then my friends said it's so stupid of me if i dont choose James. it's not about
choosing anyone who makes me smile.. it's about who i love. if he wants to win my heart, steal it from
Stephen, then he has to make it fast and nice.

now.. the thing is Stephen is mad at me, and wants either me or him leaving the office imediately. this is
not within something i can do at work. i do need the money and this job is still the best for me. unless
i'm not going to Van in spring, otherwise i still need to work for Ella a bit longer. james is leaving the
office in the end of this month anyway... so.. he wont be working here for sure actually. but stephen
said he wouldnt talk to me unless either me or james left. for me, i think it's the time for both us to calm
down a bit, which might be actually good. coz.. after so much happened, i do feel like to take a break
to think about myself. it's not about Stephen or James.. it's about what Castor wants and needs.
i have been giving so much to Stephen and our relationship, but Stephen is never happy enough to tell
me that he is so happy to be with me. in fact everytime when problems show up, it's always my fault.
are they really from me? if so, why i would make those mistakes? i'm sure i didnt choose to do stupid
things. i wonder what i've been giving is always not enough, then what should i do to make it enough.
what about me? what is enough for me or do i have enough? Stephen knows how to get love and
care from me, but i dont know how to do that with anyone, and it doesnt mean i could just ignore myself.

there's nothing happening between me and James, and Stephen is pushing me away. sometimes i dont
really care what the guys want form me, coz i know i want nothing from them. so everything could be
just simple and easy. but if the guy start acting strange then i would know what's happening or i would
find out soon somehow. i think i'm not that stupid actually. and i'm not the girls who tend to like giving
wrong signal. so.. if the guy likes me, he likes me and there's nothing i did on purpose. when ppl are
being nice to me i usually accept, coz.. being nice is just being nice.. and i m happy about ppl being nice
to me. i guess especailly when your boyfriend hasnt done sweet things for you for a long time, it's just
surprising for anyone being extra nice to you. so beside jealousy, i dont find any reasons why Stephen
is so mad at me. humm it would have been the same if i were him, and he got gifts from other girls.
i would have been very unhappy and angry as well. but i wonder if he would let me request the same
thing from him. i didnt request anything not only coz i think he wouldnt follow what i said.. it's more like
he is an adult and my boyfriend.. if he made the mess, he should clean it up himself. if he cant, then i
would consider leaving him.. at least i think he would need time to take care of the mess and he has all
the right and time to make the decision. now.. maybe Stephen is doing the same thing.. giving me time
and let me know what he would want me to do. okay..

James is leaving anyway, nothing much i would do actually. i cant do much. we are still looking for a
new teacher to replace him, and ... i dont really think i have such power to do so. and then i dont want
to be mean to someone who was just purely nice to me. he might want something but he didnt say or
do anything. i wish he would do more, so that i also would see what a guy would do for a girl he likes
when he also knows she is with someone already. i wish he would do more so that i would compare.
then i would see how much i have been doing for someone i love so much, and so much i would get
from another one who likes me so much. why Stephen is still being so arrogant but not thinking about
what i have been giving in this relationship or what he has done. yes i love him so much.. so much so
much.. and yes maybe it's the good time for me to stop a bit. if he really doesnt care, why he is making
such a big deal now. if he cares, why not just treat me better. if he pushes me away, i dont know if i
should just walk away or what i can do.

think about that.. why i would take the flowers? becasue they look ncie and it's my really first time.
i was happy about the flowers but why i was sad too, coz they are not from stephen but james.
i should throw them away or i shouldnt bring them home, but i really wanted to. coz this was my first
time. and yea, it wasnt from stephen that's sad. and he pushes me away.

>>January 14, 2009 at 5:44:41 AM GMT+8

2009 年 1 月 12 日 星期一 【晴】



>>January 13, 2009 at 5:11:47 PM GMT+8

2009 年 1 月 11 日 星期日 【晴】

today is kind of sad and happy.

well.. i got up and worked.. did lots of work, i felt good.
then had lunch by myself.. went to bank as well.. then... worked.
then.. yea.. waited till getting off so that i can leave and have dinner with Shan.
it was okay. at first i was a bit unhappy, coz Shan said she might not make it. the thing is i brought
her a gift and i dont like changing schedule like that, in a very short notice. i dont like it. then yea we
kept the plan, but she was still 35 mins late. okay, i waited. i know she's so busy actually. i'm glad that
we finally made it. we went to TST. haha.. the one that we talked about before. we had pasta, fish & chips.
hummm of course they taste good, but.. still.. i think Van is slightly better. but tonight the enviornment
and the atmosphere were nice. just right beside the victoria harbor. yea nice.. it was kind of pricy but
it was affordable. then we also catch up alot.. so.. yea it's nice. we didnt drink that's the only thing
we found it not perfect. the thing is i have to work tomorrow and i am alergic. then she didnt drink alone.
anyway.. we went home together too. it was a great night =) quite relazing too... just hope that tmr
we dont need to work hahah.

okay.. beside this... the here comes the sad part. my honey Stephen is mad at me coz i took those
flowers home. i thought he didnt mind. and i did feel weird as in... those are not from stephen but james.
but the thing is.. they are still my first time, and they looked pretty nice. and then..... the thing is.. i have
never got flowers from anyone before... not even from stephen.. and now i got flowers, why wouldnt
i appreciate them? especially those are from such a nice person. i wish for so long to have flowers but
Stephen wouldnt give me flowers. now i have fowers then why is he mad?

>>January 12, 2009 at 6:18:42 PM GMT+8

2009 年 1 月 10 日 星期六 【晴】

hello.

i slept very late last night.. coz one of my friends were saying goodbye to me on line. i was crying.
i dont know why Cai Hui has to leave like that. i just dont understand. it's like Cai Hui would never be
back again, it sounds like dying or something. this is very strange and upsetting actually. so.. i dont
know if i would see him again or something. i told him that friends are friends. i would still remember
him someday. he's just a weird kid. but he is my friend and i wont forget him. i would still remember him.
i dontk now why he doesnt want me to remember him. it's just weird that all of the sudden hes saying
bye to me. that's scary.

i got up very late too.. got the mesg and call from Karen. yes, she's back. yay my lovely Karen is back.
she wanted to meet me today. she came to Tai Po to see me. so sweet of her. haha. then... we met up
in Tai Po center. it's so nice to see her again. she looks prettier than before. then we huged and yea..
we had Japanese food.. then we walked ard Tai Po. nice. then we had snack as well. happy happy.
haha. i walked her to the train station. then went home.. resting then working on my research. yup,
still working on it.. actually i hand in the paper already, but then i can still edit it till today. so i just editing
tonight. ha.. i know it's bad that yesterday i did do that. coz i was just too tired. but today i gotta go out
with Karen. so yea. and then Karen bought me hand cream =) YAY~ and also candies~ YAY~~~
haha.. so nice!! oh she's such a lovely girl~

then yea... i'm gonna bring Karen's hand cream to work. heehee. then also i bought hand cream from
the Body SHop last night, i'm gonna give that to Shan. i know she likes the White Musk line. so yea,
i will give that to her =) hope she will like it. and then.. the flowers in the living room is just so beautiful
as well. they are opening. i am happy when i look at the flowers. thanks James. but... when i'm looking
at the flowers, i think of Stephen too. i wonder why not Stephen sending me these flowers. it makes
me wanna cry. you know, it's not about... James.. it's his thoughtfulness and kindness. i like his
caring characteristics, probably not him but his characters.

but i have been with honey for 2 years something already. it has never been easy. to be honest, it is
not always happy for sure. especailly there were so many things i dont know about him, i have been
trying and trying to understand him. then the longer we are together, the more i found about him. some
surprised me, some upset me. but then everytime i just chose to stay with him coz i just love him so
much and i couldnt explain about that. i dont force myself to love him i guess. when i dont want to love
him, i did try not to care about him, but then in the end i just realized that no matter how much i dislike
him or hurted by him, i kept being upset about him, but i know.. i still want him coz i still love him. like the tv, ER said
it's like i know how difficult it is to be with him, the past 23 hrs i was thinking how bad i dislike him or
hurted by him or worried about he and i wouldnt last long, but at the 24th hr i realized i have spent 23
hrs on thinking all about him and i still loved him. i do wish that he would be the right guy, not just i love
him so much, but he would love me the same in return. i m not saying stephen doesnt love me...
i think why James could surprise me is his thoughtfulness, kindness and being so caring to me. it's not
that honey doesnt have these, but somehow he doesnt show easily, or it's just not something he
usually does. my friends do want me to give a chance to other guys, not necessary to be James but
in general others. so that i would know what being loved and cared is like. for me.. i dont wanna judge
on anything or anyone, but when it comes to feelings, i cant be blunt about this. i love Stephen, and i
think James is trying to steal me away from Stephen. personally, i dont know why me.
Stephen already knows about James. i dont know if he is gonna do something or say anything. i just
dont see anything yet. but if you ask me who i love more, of course it's Stephen. but who makes me
happy and smile, who has been nice to me, who has been making me cry... these are hard to answer.
there were so much happened between me and stephen in 2 years sth already. dont wanna be unfair to stephen, and i do love him.

okay. tomorrow i m going back to work. these coming 2 weeks, i am gonna focus at work.
then also planing about the future. i need to make plan for the next trip to Van. well.. i still wanna see
Stephen in spring. i miss him so much. and of course i still love him so much. but my friends asked me
why i'm going there again, they wanted to see Stephen in HK. so did my parents asked me about.
it's such the pressure on me about Stephen coming to HK or not, especailly now James is all around HK.
it just puts me in such a difficult situation. i'm not that strong actually.

okay. tomorrow night, i will have dinner with Shan at TST. we have been waiting for this since 2 years
ago. i dont even remember it's been 2 years the first time we said we wanted to try that resturant. haha.

i wish Stephen could be here. so that every problems could be solved. but then think about the earlier
on, i had some sorts of the same problems too, but he didnt show much interest to help me out too.
i wonder what i wanted and what i want now. i'm just a girl, what is better than being loved and cared
by the one you love?

okay. i shouldnt think too much actually. if things happen, i cant stop, coz.. it's not up to myself only.
in fact, nothing much here i could figure out alone.

>>January 11, 2009 at 6:04:35 PM GMT+8