2009 年 12 月 16 日 星期三 【晴】

Hi.

Today is already Dec 17.

business is going very bad.
but please, dont leave me.

i hate what i m doing, and i m not good at it. but i m doing every of my best to make it happen.
so, please ... please walk with me, dont leave me.

last friday i was a bit upset but i survived. i was very tired about working, then when i finished work just about
to say hi to honey, i was looking forward to, then he just left home. oh well, maybe time to learn to live by
myself instead of always wondering if i would have someone beside me. that night, i really started to realize
actually i would survive, and the situation wasnt as bad as i thought. its just super lonely that drive me nuts,
but i could survive. in fact, he actually understands what i m saying.

on Sat, finally we got time to spend together alone, i mean only the two of us. i was on msn with Ivy..
it was so great to talk with her. then honey and i got coffee at Waves, then walked to Dave's home. we hang
out together... then walked back. i started to realize its time to be off guard, at least to loose up more.
once he told me that, i just realize oh yea, i was too nervous, i should relax, so i could see things differently.
then maybe i wont have much unnecessary hard feelings.

yes, just that simple. if he could tell me this way, i could easily accept and understand, just that quick.

and yea, we discussed on different things. i dont know, i just know i want to be with him, and i do care about
him so much. i asked him about the ipod thing he was going to get for his niece... then i found that actually
it was for me. i am so stupid, blowing the surprise away. and now i dont have it anymore.
and we talked about the colour of chinese new year. we talked about how stupid i am when i couldnt quite
answer questions directly. and more and more...

sunday, i stayed home... then had subway lunch with Mami... honey was out... then... yea, he came home..
i wanted to take a nap but i couldnt. just couldnt sleep. and the thing is...... come on, that's weekend.
how can i miss the weekend time with him and the day time? then Mami, honey and i played games...
then... in the evening, he complained to me about me not getting a nap in the day time. and i wasnt taking
the business serious enough. i was kind of pissed off actually. i am the one who stayed up all day and night
to work, to do something i dont like, i do every of my best to make it happen. if i am dozing off, i make sure
myself not falling asleep but keep working as if i m fine. how unserious does he think i am? anyway, i accept
his advice, and then yea.... tough. but i wonder this is how a relationship works. just got to be patient and
willing to listen, coz that's how we could start to understand each others before jumping into judgement.
i seem like a very nice ans easy going person, but i guess in real, i am very stubborn, stupid, and the pain in the
ass. i think so. but somehow if i cant even stand for what i believe in, then that wont be me anymore.

the past few days from Monday till Wed last night, we have been spending time together. sometimes
going for coffee or a walk at night when he came home. sometimes i do wonder how it would be like if we
ever get married and live together as a couple. what if we have kids.. blah blah... but i also wonder when
they would happen. he said that before, he is 10 years older than me, so we are not in a massive rush to
get married. for me, it's true. and as i said, i m no longer really really really into marriage life or waiting him
to pop up that question anymore. coz the thing is, i m taking it very seriously. i would love to marry him,
but see how we get along these days, learning to live with each others, i dont really see myself capable
as his wife. especially i dont see his goal living with me now as if trying to make me becoming a happy wife
and of course i know why. we are just not there yet. but i hope that we are walking towards that.
even though its slow, step by step, i am being patient with it. it's tough time to time, but i hope that we
could do that. coz i m very very serious, and i am seriously in love. not like the fairly tale. but it's real.

last night, we talked about Chinese ppl.. well... i know he doesnt like Chinese... and he has his points...
but i m Chinese... and i know i m stupid.. i even told him that frankly, eventually, i told him...
i find myself very stupid when i m here, when he asked me questions and about different ppl everytime..
i just feel stupid coz i know none of them.

b.r.b.

>>December 17, 2009 at 10:19:48 PM GMT+8

2009 年 12 月 9 日 星期三 【晴】

Hi.

i dont write this to complain, but... i need to write this to listen to myself.

we finally sent the letter out yesterday to the playland. really appreciate his help actually. he actually remembered
to help me printing it, but why didnt he tell me he has it printed out already? i was waiting. but yea. i m glad that
he helped me.

i started making the christmas gift. hummmm.. on another day, he and i talked about a tv commercial ad. then...
he was tired to argue with me, he said it's better to argue with the ice cube. well, i just think that if i want to give
a gift, i give a gift. and on the special occasion, only once a year, that means if i miss it, then i miss it. and i dont
know how many years i could live. so if i have a chance, i take the chance to do something special other than
the other days. if i m dying, then at least i wouldnt regret i have missed my last chance of sharing joy and gifts
with the ppl i love. i dont want to miss that, never. ppl wont blame me if i didnt give a gift, they wont expect me
to, but come on, it's only once a year. and that's the end of a year, just want to do something fun and nice to
the ppl i love, and really wanna have a good time with them. so i wont regret if i m dying tomorrow.

i m happy that i have made the end of this year. and there are always changes in my past few years.
i m happy that i m still alive, and i m glad that this year i could be with honey finally.
i could just live day by day with absolutely no changes, but coz of him i have so much changes once awhile.
it's good and also bad. coz i would like to build up my future, like to stabilize and get settle down. but then with
him it seems a bit hard. coz........ we are from a very different background. most likely what i know about he
might not like, and what he likes are new to me. and then different culture and social norms sometimes drive
me crazy, and i m a kind of weak person who actually is not very patient sometimes. so... i easily get stressed
out then cry. and i hate myself loving him so much. somehow i think if i m a bit more bitchy, i might feel better.
but i cant be, so.. no points of saying so. the thing is, the boredom is while doing something s not my fav, and
he might not know. but what kept me not too bored to die is he has so much changes and new things that
would require me to pick up fast. so basically, i m adopting his habits, life style, and listening to him... improving
myself i guess. and he doesnt like me to use the word "try". he said it's "do or do not, no try" for me, it's like...
when i say i try, which means i do but cant be sure if i can do it right, so need to keep "trying"

yea.. living in his place, so i need to learn to live with him. so if he is living in my place, he would need to learn
to live with me. but is he going to live in my place? no. so it would be me living with his style all the time.
actually, its just kind of like..... okay. so i gotta learn this learn that. and then once awhile i just found myself
changing from who i was before when i was in HK. accommodating and assimilating, right. somehow i do
hope he has enough respect to my culture. but... i dont know, his jokes sometime make me feel bad.
coz chinese ppl dont make fun of our own nationality, and i m a prideful person on that. there are so much i dont
like about Chinese, but if it's like something against my country, i would fight back. i accept ppl to criticize China
and Hong Kong, but at least in a more polite way. or maybe i should just accept his sense on humor on that.

yea... like the night before. he made a nice dinner for everyone. i was very happy, like wow. and especailly after
work, i m really not in mood to make dinner for myself. so usually make it as simple as i could. i dont eat very
well, coz in the day time, i am rushing to get ready to work. so usually some cereal would make my lunch.
then at night, some noodles or pasta. i dont have money to do better meals. so that's all i have.

yea, so that night, i was very happy.. i came out to the kitchen and saw him preparing dinner. then i just stood
there for less than 3 secs, then he asked me to ask and get Mami for dinner. i was like, okay. but i didnt feel good.
then when Mami came out, he kept talking to her. then i wondered why not he just go get her himself.
i finished work sitting in my room for a long time, and came out. he asked me to get another girl, and he talked
to her explaint to her about the dinner and stuff. what about me? it's like hello? i was still there. guys. again, i hate guys.
at the dinner time, he mentioned about the wet tissue. i was embarrassed as in... why would you say that in
front of everyone? its like so you think i'm the theft or something. i felt very bad actually. i wanted to just
walk away but that would ruin the whole dinner time. so... i just continued eating. i dont know if he sensed
something wrong with me or whatever... he seemed to realize that. anyway, i returned him that package of
wet tissue. as i said, i didnt finish them. and the thing is.... i didnt even want to explain. i told him i need to get
some wet tissue when we were about to go to London Drugs. he said he got a whole box of them, i could use
them. and then when i needed it at night, ard 3 am, was i still supposed to sms him and asked him while i thought
he would let me use it anyway? i kept them with me, coz i didnt know he would like me to return him after
taking some of them, and i didnt know he care about that that much since it seemed okay for me to use them.
and it's not for personal also. so.... it's like... whatever. i would just get my own instead. it's not a super big deal.
i didnt do it to test him, but it just shows me if i could depend on him somehow. i think he knew i was unhappy
during the dinner time. well, who would be happy about the situation like that?

i always want to get close with him, but everytime i pulled back, coz... maybe i m a troublesome person.
i just cant do it when i dont feel comfortable with someone. so it's like.... i do know i love him and want to get
close with hime. but i m scared of him as well. coz it used to be when i was crave to reach out to him,
he would shut me down. and i thought that he didnt like it, and if he doesnt like it then why would i keep
doing so to make myself rejected again and again? and i hate myself loving him so much. sometimes i feel like
i am spoiling him by listening to him all the time, saying yes to him almost 100%. so its like.... when he says
building up characters, i dont really see my characters when i'm with him. that's true. it's just hard to show,
coz he's too strong, and i'm so weak. and i hate it, coz when i try to be strong, he would find me bitchy.

i wonder how to be a great girlfriend. i really want to talk with i dont know... maybe some older white women,
or some white housewives, so that i would know more about the white women culture, and how to be
a better girlfriend for my boyfriend.

i love him.

yesterday, i just needed to go to the store to get some basic food, like basic. i need at least some soy milk to
go with my cereal. so i got soy milk. then i just thought of him when i saw the cheese, so i got him cheese.
its just as simple as that. just think that he might like it when he sees the chsses after work, so i got him some.
i like his smile, i like him to be happy.

i wish i could just put down my pride and i dont know... just be brave.
he made me wanted to do that for him.
and my knees were pain while giving him massage actually. every night. last night i just couldnt stand that,
so i told him. he asked me why. i told him coz of work. its true. my different body parts hurt coz of work.
so i m so tired every night, n giving a long and nice massage does make me even more tiring n hurt.

i wanted to just hug him and kiss him... but... he fell asleep.

i love his cookies, they were sitting on the oven....
i didnt take them last night.. coz i was worried if he would think that i steal his cookies.
but this afternoon, i was just so tempted to take that piece. and i took it... then i mesg him i took it.
i wish he wouldnt mind..

i want to learn baking, i would love to do the baking class. its like something i actually really would
love to do, especially if i m married and with kids. i just want to be a super mom n wife.

my wish is... i would be a great girlfriend, great wife n super mom in future, could be braver, n be loved
and being with him happily till i die.

>>December 11, 2009 at 3:21:31 AM GMT+8

2009 年 12 月 6 日 星期日 【晴】

hello..

i have been quite busy lately, trying to adjust myself into the schedule thing. sigh. stress.
its like something you cant control, not fun, but still trying to bust your ass and hope for the best.
this is not something i like to do or i m good at. and guess what, this job doesnt give me a life to live.
i mean, this is absolutely no fun and lonely. working by myself, in a room, doing something i dont like,
being bossed ard anytime otherwise wont get paid. and i dont know my clients very well but try my
best to please them and work with them, basically this is like no dignity at all.

i cant even figure out my own time, like when i can go for exercise, when i can do some shopping,
when i should make food, when should i shower or whatever... what about the weekend... and then
also my friends. do i still have friends here anyway?

and afterall, if i am not achieving the goal, then i m below standard, then i start questioning myself
whats wrong with me. then i realize that i m not the best choice, at work and in real life as well.
think optimistically that's life. think negatively and realistically yea that's life and accept that im not good.
actually both would mean the same. accept that i m not that great at all.

well, at least i stop crying or being so fed up.
i dont remember if it was on Thurs or Fri... i was doing very poorly at work... and i was so mad, coz
i had put soooo much time at work and tried everything i could, but still not achieving my goal..
then at night i was just hopping to relax abit.. but then i got no one to talk to or hand out with.
i was really fed up... like i cried in my shower then just... frustrated. honey was busy with Mami that
i wouldnt want to disturb them. then also the thing is who would like to see me in the bitchy mood.
i bet he wouldnt want to see me like that. then i was in my room crying and throwing used tissue paper.
i am not like that in HK, really really really almost never been like that. then yea... i wish i could go out
for a walk but i couldnt, coz its night time. i wish i could go jogging but i couldnt coz its at night.
i was stuck in my room still, stuck in my room. anyway............ then.... after awhile, i just went down
stair to ask honey for help on the printing.. then i took some brownies from him... then i felt better..
then later... he said i shouldnt act like that. i wish he could understand i do know what i was doing
was crazy, i do know and i dont mean to disturb the others. but i really got no where to go, no one
to talk to. i cant even tell my friends what i m doing. i feel like i m living with a bunch of shit everyday
and i couldnt get rid of it, still need to figure out how to do better to achieve goals, and then you know..
i dont have much resources. if i know i could work with others as a team, i know what i can do.
but by myself, with myself, how much i can do with that? its kindda like almost depends on luck.
and you know what... i m alone all the time. its killing me. and i dont even know if he really knows it,
coz it seems like everytime he is ready to tell me what to do whats wrong with me instead of asking
me or listening to me. so... well... and you know when i was so stressed and busy working on the
sunday, he was happily hanging out with his co-worker friend. im not blaming him on that, just that
doesnt make me feel like to work so hard. coz its a sunday and i m all tired and stressed, then my
bf is with another girl. what the hell. well maybe i m blaming on him but who would like it anyway.
who liked to be complained, who like to be blamed? but i m the one being blamed if i show my negative
emotions. is it the way how ppl act lady-like or classy? then i must be the stupid one.

on sat.... i worked since Fri night.. then.... i took a nap but it didnt work. coz its too noisy i kept waking,
and then also my sleeping schedule is all messed up now. so.... if i can sleep i can, or i cant.
then... i also went to the post office.. and then in the late afternoon i just hanged out with honey..
then he asked me to check on Mami to talk with her or something. then i wondered if he didnt want
me to be in his room, then fine just tell me. i chatted with her once when the first time he asked me.
then i finished talking with her.. then he asked me to do that again. alright. fine.

i didnt want to do that actually... but then whatever. i did, and played card game with her..
then... he came upstairs.. then we chatted for awhile... then headed out... i wonder if we have to have
Mami with us everytime we go out. coz... i cant be his girlfriend when someone s around.
but when she s around, usually he would be more friendly n patient. guys.... i hate guys.

it was so fun though... like on Sat.... we were out... it was fun. and we played wii.
it s so funny. i know i suck at games, especially electronic games. i suck.
then.... i was like an idiot... haha.... but at the end i became the legend. hahah... so funny..
but i wish we could be as happy when there would be only the two of us. it could happen, only if his
attitude would change or i change, which i dont know for sure..

but then yesterday... like i said i was working... the honey was with his ''friend''.
i really dont like it. but, what can i do? for me, its more like you choose to see whoever you want,
so its not like you have to or not. n i m sure ppl dont enjoy doing boring things or seeing boring ppl.
and when things start to become regular, then things arent casual anymore. there must be some
reasons for anything, like anything. any silly reasons could work, but must be some reasons.
i m so tired already. i dont want to care anymore, but i do know i am unhappy about that.

but i m happy that at the end... he still played a movie on his tv, sharing with me..
so at lease, AT LEAST, i wasnt alone all day for 24 hrs. but it was kind of late. i was falling asleep,
and.... whats the point, while i was awake and waiting to spend time with him he didnt want.
but then late night i was sleepy and no energy then he finally had time for me. anyway.... if you think
its better than nothing, yes it is. but its like... do i always have to wait till the end of the night, then
wait till that girl is gone, then we could finally spend time together? i know complaining wont work.
i trust him too, but guess what....... its upsetting, it is. and he should feel the same one day to experience
how its like.

and like... i need his help on different things... does he even remember? like... if i am as important to him,
why he keeps forgetting stuffs i need him to help me? if i dont remind him again and again, he is not
going to remember. but if its another person, he would remember. guys, i really hate guys. i seriously
think that i shouldnt be with guys.

you know recently i figured out that if you dont want something or dont like the situation you are in...
actually you could think of tonz of ways or possible solutions... and sometimes negative emotions wont
help coz they are sorts of destructive. so ppl always want to look for the constructive way to get rid of the
situation... you know the most constructive way is.... actually... is to leave.

i appreciate a lot at what he tries to do for me, seriously... so.... i dont know what to do...
except trying to accept and improve myself i dont know what to do... but i m tired. i am not and i cant be
perfect. i know he loves me, i know..... i love him too... so..... i dont know what i can do.



>>December 8, 2009 at 1:50:55 AM GMT+8

2009 年 12 月 2 日 星期三 【晴】

i dont want to be a crying bitch.

i find myself so unattractive sometimes, especially after taking this job.
well... i hate myself complaining so much, but at the same time cant stop myself being upset.
so, i'm upset coz i dont get enough clients, and coz i'm always alone.
i'm stressed coz i need to worry about food and stuffs as basic like that, i cant even be sure if i could have
enough food and money to survive this month. and the thing is, i'm far much behind the goal that we set together.
so... not enough business, not enough money. i'm trapped here for 10 hrs work today, then my 6 hrs sleep
is supposed to be shorter but still not enough for me. then, i'm now already doing my another 8 hrs shift,
but no clients really reciprocate, which is really pissing me off. i hate no response. coz the thing is...
the time i'm putting in is high, but i got no response, and it feels like i'm giving out free lunch for ppl, and they are not
being taken. such a shame you know...

i hate it when ppl dont choose my services, coz i dont think i'm bad. i wanna do better, but dont know how to
do better. coz this is just not my thing, and i have been trying different ways already. im basically fed up.
coz i fucking hate what i am doing, but still acting like i enjoy doing so. and i'm talking about 8 hrs work, today is 10 hrs.
and i m not getting enough sleep, and i'm stressed and worried about food and my basic expenses.
then i'm alone. i cant even tell my friends what i'm doing now. coz they wont understand anyway. so basically,
it's just like............ not a life i am living. and the thing is... i do wanna try to put in more time. but the longer that
i work, the more hates i have against it. so... what the fuck.

i know i am being spied, "the company" got showing me the statistic that i know i'm being spied.
and so i also see the potential clients are very cheap that they wont pick me. i know how angry i am.
coz i find it very insulting. it's like.... what if you are being spied for 8 hrs, and by tonz of ppl, but none business is
coming, so... basically no one chose to work with you. and i know i'm not that bad, but why not ppl chose me?
there must be some reasons. if i know the reasons and i could work on them, GOOD. i'm hard working, and i am
willing to take criticism so i could improve. but no. there's just none. it feels like i'm waiting for the good luck.
at the same time, i'm being questioned why i'm not getting enough business, and i wondered why too.
its commission based. if i dont get enough business, i'm screwed. so... at the same time........... i'm doing something
i dont like, and i force myself to do so, and it's not rewarding, still have to beg ppl to work with me. this is so fucked up.

yesterday, i sms honey while he was at work. i just got up from a nap. i wanted to sms him much earlier before
he went to work, but i fell asleep and couldnt get up. so yea... i sms him the first thing to do when i got up from
bed in the afternoon. well... i knew he's stressed at work.. so......... i just wish i could do something for him.
i sort of understand how he feels... i also want him to know that whatever he does, those would mean something
to the ppl, and especially to me. like.... he works for the company, helping the clients. and his hard working means
a lot to me too. i look up to him, i know i'm not the only one who is busting my ass here. i appreciate his hard work,
so that i could stay here with him in his house. i appreciate his intelligence and everything that he has been
doing for me, you know... all of that about him do mean so much to me. i love him. so.... yea... then he sms me back.
it was kind of funny, but i feel warm.

tonight, he made brownies. i know those are not only for me, but somehow i know he made them for me too.

i really seldom losing temper like that... even when i was in HK, i wouldnt be like that. but the frustration here is
quite high you know... in the past, i could bitch about stuffs with others, like... my co-workers, mom, Miki,
Shan, or other friends... but here..... except honey, i couldnt tell any others. and with me, honey is more like
a person who would like to solve the problems not like the role for listening and comforting. so.... it's like.... a balloon,
getting bigger and bigger and no hole to release the air. in the past, even when i was extremely stressed, i could
cry then i would be fine, coz i would know what is in control, and i could turn things around. i can always find
a way to improve and get good performance. i'm confident. but what i'm doing now is more like depending on
the others, nothing guaranteed. it's really depressing. i know i shouldnt complain so much. but what i m doing
now is really not my thing. and i do wanna do better business, i want it, really do want it.

i actually kindda worry about honey too. coz... he's the kind of person who wouldnt easily show when he's
worried or stressed. so.... at the certain degree, i know he worries and.... i can see it. and i dont know why
i m not very good to express myself in front of him. it's strange. he always gets me so nervous in front of him.
so anyway... i'm not a very active person coz i DO AFRAID of rejection. especially with honey, i was quite
rejected by him often.. then english is not my first language. the way i speak sometimes means different things
to him. like... i'm not actually being polite when i speak polite. coz it is the chinese way of being polite but in western
it means being not assertive. but when i'm being straight forward in the chinese way which i know of, then
i become rude in western culture. so its like sometimes i am afraid of making mistakes. always watch out
what i'm doing or saying... and i dont know when i am being stupid and rude.

anyway.......... last weekend was very busy... and even when we had time to hang out.... we had Mami
the new girl with us.. so it's like......... when i wanted to get close with him, i couldnt. and.... yea we went to
Dave's place as well. it's alright, coz Mami and i talked about different things.. so... while honey and Dave
had the guys talk, we could have the girls talk. but then.... its like.... i do wanna get close with him.
and Mami and i played UNO on Sat. it was so funny. i couldnt believe that i lost 6 games out of 6 games.
it's crazy. haha.. and honey joined us for the 6th one. and still Mami won it. honey was so funny, he was
laughing at me saying i was like a child. well yea... tonight i was like a baby cry in a bitchy mood.
yea... i am like a child sometimes. coz this is the most fragile side of me. it's deep and fragile.

i am running out of money. but still need to get the christmas shopping done by this week.. coz.... i do wanna
send gifts to my family.. and also get something for honey as well. this christmas is a very poor one..
i have very very very small budget. i'm going to do some handmade gift actually. it's more important to show
my heart than the actual gift. especially this year i am here with him, so..... all it matters is the meaning and
spending time together.

i saw him doing the decoration at home tonight.. i wanna join him but.... well.....
it used to be me helping the decoration at home and at work.. then i usually just play the christmas songs
while doing so. i enjoyed so much. but today.. haha.. i saw him doing that for awhile then he stopped.
anyway, i love christmas. and i'm glad that this year finally we could be together on christmas.
i miss home, i miss my family, but i'm glad to be here with him. i do.

>>December 4, 2009 at 1:08:23 PM GMT+8

2009 年 11 月 29 日 星期日 【晴】

hi.

i have been quite busy and tired.. my sleeping and eating schedule are messed up.
i eat whenever i feel like to and dont feel like to eat. last night, i got ard 6 hrs sleep. it was okay...
but like last weekend, i got no sleep for ard 36 hrs. yea..

was trying to stay awake in the weekend... need to work, and dont wanna waste time on sleeping.
well it's weekend, time is important. i mean... spending time with honey is much more important than sleeping.

the week before... honey's friend came over... and also we headed out late to do shopping for dinner.
it was a bit embarrassing as in... the dinner time.. coz... honey made some pizza for dinner..
but i couldnt eat cheese, and he thought i couldnt have pizza. but actually pizza is the only thing that have cheese
i would eat. but then he told me he would make dinner, so earlier on i didnt go get myself dinner, right..
so i was kindda upset about it, coz i was really hungry and it's like if you guys are gonna have cheese for
dinner, then let me know, so i could have gone for some dinner for myself. so i just felt really bad...
i excused myself and went back to my room. i just couldnt let myself staying in the kitchen, coz i would cry.
i knew i would cry. i went back to my room, then i started crying. coz i miss home so much as well. it's like...
it would never happen in HK with my family. but then i also told myself not to cry, coz the thing is... i didnt think
honey would be that bad to me. then there we go... honey called me.. he had something else beside cheesy
pizza. he knew i cried, and i did try not to show others i cried. so yea.. after that, in the evening, he asked me
why i cried.. i told him i miss home. he said i'm pathetic.

after that night..... another time.... we talked about my homesick. coz he knew i was homesick. he told me
hoe he felt, and what he thought about me being homesick... i dont think he understands the changes and
difficulties i am having here. i didnt tell him everything directly coz i didnt want him to feel stressed or make him
feel bad. but yea.... but after that conversation, i did try harder to adjust my life here. i do... and i thought i have
been doing okay the last week.

work was getting busier and crazier these few days. coz i was switching my schedule. and i did have faced
some troublesome ppl. so... it was the pain in the ass. it basically screwed my life style, got extra stress
on adjusting life, especially i always ask myself if it's what i should do and what i would do when i was dealing
with the clients. i dont wanna fake, but... somehow it's what i'm doing everyday. so... it's not about having
fun with the acting, it's about if i should do this to ppl. and this job is like.... working alone... and now i'm doing
the night shift. so.... when everyone is asleep, i'm awake working alone. then in the morning, when ppl get up,
when honey get up, i would be going to bed. sometimes i couldnt even stay up till seeing honey making his coffee.
i would be so dead already. then in the day time, i would go for a nap. then when i get up it would be in evening.
so... no sun light for me. it's so fucking depressing. and when i get up at night, it's cold and dark. i cant do anything
basically. no shopping, no walk, nothing. then honey is back from work... then... i just get up and being moody.
but then usually in day time when i get up moody, i have a few hrs to relax and deal with the stuffs i need to do.
but now, when i get up in the evening, hummmmm..... just strange.

and i really hate dealing with the queen and the king as well. i wrote them a letter last night..
but then honey saw it just now, and he helped me to proofread it. i got lots of mistakes. i do appreciate his help.
i do.. and then yea it's normal for me to have those mistakes, coz i'm not professional in it. so yea..
but then at the end, he said the letter was all wrong, and i have wasted his time. he even asked me if i was
retarded and so stupid. well, the thing is... it was complicated enough to explain to him my situation and who
i have deal with before for different things. and i didnt see him interested in it as well. so.... yea..
i feel so stupid as well. it's like... i knew i'm stupid, especially since i am in Canada. there are tonz of things
i dont know about. the culture is completely different for me. what i thought used to be right, here is all wrong.
i dont know the rules and things here. i dont know the ppl, the song, the shows, the history. but telling me
i'm useless wouldnt help the situation i am in. calling me retarded or being so rude to me would only make me
wanna leave. i love him and i dont want to act bitchy to him, but i'm crying and he doesnt see it.
sometimes i do get frustrated, coz it's like...... i didnt choose to be stupid or didnt choose to be useless,
but he did make me feel like i'm useless like garbage. why would i need that even though i might need to
improve myself. and the thing is, cant he see what i have been trying and doing for him now?
what he said does hurt me so much. it's not about taking things personally or not. it just hurts so much.

we have a new homestay girl moved in. i didnt tell her anything personal about my relationship and honey.
for me, i m not so excited to share my relationship status with my friends especially new friends.
i would tell my best friends, or maybe my very close friends. but never to "new friends".
i'm sick and tired of explaining to ppl about something personal of me. i dont wanna lie, and so when they
question me, i dont know what to say. coz the more i say, the more they would ask and comment.
i dont need extra stress anyhow. just wanna save up questions and troubles. it's not okay usually with
other ppl. coz no one would want their behalf hiding about their status, right? but with honey, i dont
think he would mind, since he does the same. i used to like telling the whole world that i'm in love with
honey.. but no... not anymore these days except my very close friends and best friends. well, the ppl
i care and love would know my personal things, but those not so close ppl dont need to know about me
so well i guess.

if i am really stupid, if i am really useless in his eyes, he keeps feeling like that, then i think i should go. coz it just
tells me that i dont belong to here, i dont belong to be with him. and i cant be myself when i'm so stressed with
someone who constantly giving me attitude, telling me that i'm useless and stupid.

i'm not a tough person even though some ppl do think i am.. i m not born to be a tough person.
i laugh when i am happy, i cry when i am sad. i cant hide and yes i am soft. he knew it when he first met me.
why now starts to complain and makes me feel bad? if i am a tough girl with such strong characteristics,
does he think that i would always listen to him so easily? it's not like i dont have characters, it's just the
fact that he is gonna think i'm bitchy just like other girls. can he handle that then? i dont think so.

if i am not a tough person, how the hell i could make myself enough money to come over again and again
while i was doing school and supporting myself. yea, i might be stupid, but did i fail anything i was doing? no, none.
did i fail to do anything i promised ppl about? no, none. i keep my words everytime. did i fail school or work?
no, i got compliments all the time, and i got excellent remarks at school.

but it just hurts so damn much when you hear your love keeps saying you're stupid and useless.
that makes me feel even much worse and more stupid than anything else.

sometimes i do realize honey is trying to do something for me, they are obvious and... i can feel it..
but... sometimes.... just difficult. i do love him. when he's sweet, he's the sweetest guy in the world.
he is so adorable as well. he's smart and intelligent. but i'm so stupid and useless. sigh.

>>December 1, 2009 at 4:00:56 PM GMT+8

2009 年 11 月 25 日 星期三 【晴】

hello.

it's been a week since last time i was here.
this week has been quite busy, and my sleeping schedule is now completely changed.

somehow i hate what i'm doing now. coz it's like i'm not very good at what i'm doing... i have my own style, but
the thing is, at the certain degree, i know i'm not the popular type as in what i'm working at right now.
it's kindda like the pain in the ass, coz..... at work, sometimes just cant be myself. and facing some sorts of
clients sometimes just pissing me off, as in..... i need to pretend to be so enjoyable helping them, but the truth is,
i fucking hate dealing with them. if there's a choice, like in personal life, i would ask them to fucking leave me alone.
it's like..... bleh.... whatever. if it's an acting job, yea, just acting when the cam is on... but now it's a bit different,
coz i cant pretend to be some actress acting all the time. the role, there's no characters at all. and i hate, really
hate ppl being fake, but now... i have to deal with some shitty clients, and that completely change my sleeping
and resting schedule... sometimes i just wonder i dont think i'm making good money at what i'm doing now anyway,
why not just do something i would enjoy more? the thing is..... well, gotta stick to the plan unless i have the better
idea which i dont have right now. but yea, have been figuring what i can do to improve my working performance.
so yea... just take it as a very challenging thing, i try not to compare myself with the other "workers" in a very
negative way, but you know girls are girls. i am not jealous, but i just know that we are different, and i cant be
them for 8 hrs each day. i will die. it's like, look, this is what i can offer you, take it or leave me alone. but i know
the job nature is not like this. okay... i have complaint too much already. guess the problem with me is....
i dont like faking, coz i fucking cant fake. for 1 hr or 2 hrs, okay... but 8 hrs sitting and faking to the clients...
fuck that, how? first day, yea... fun.... but now it's only 1 week.. Cas... you really are challenging yourself.

last night, after work, i was so tired already.... i didnt feel like to make dinner at all. but if i dont make dinner, then
i would have no dinner. then i just wanted to eat some snack. coz the thing is.... like since the day before, i have
only slept for 10 hrs in 3 days. it's like so terrible for me. i need 8 hrs sleep each days. then yea... i was very
tired last night, and brought some corn chips downstair in Stephen's room... then he saw my chips, and he
didnt want me to have them. i was very tired and stressed, very hungry as well, i thought he didnt understand.
then i was quite upset... but you know, i saw him.... like............ upset when he knew i was going to eat those
junk food for dinner. he was upset when he explained to me.. so..... i knew..................... i shouldnt eat those
for dinner... i didnt want to make him feel bad.. so yea....... this morning after work, i just went out for breakfast.
i wanted hot cakes so much, but he recommended me a cafe for a full breakfast. okay, i took his advice.
i went there and i couldnt finish that breakfast. it was so huge for me. then yea... i was just so tired today...
came home, i just started napping. but Capella was back here in Vancouver.. so then i was sleeping and once
awhile texting back to her. i couldnt really sleep.. we just met up for a coffee.. TeeTee was there too..
so yea.... it's been awhile havent seen Cap already. so yea, it was great. we met at Starbucks..

anyway.... back to the last week...

hummmmm.... my honey Stephen and i had a conversation before... actually whenever i was unhappy or
upset over something, he would then ask me what my problem was, or telling me that i was acting bitchy to him.
i do appreciate that, coz if he doesnt ask or tell me, i wouldnt have known that i need to speak up to him sometimes.
like i said, i used to be scared of him.. so i dont usually talk so much in front of him these days. and i did feel
quite nervous sometimes when he was around. i dont know when i would do something stupid in his eyes
again. it's like .... everyday i got some mistakes, like everyday. it made me feel like i was such a fool. and in the
past week... we talked over some situations and ppl.... then..... yea... i'm taking things slow, taking his suggestions,
trying to adjust and start my new life here instead of just letting myself being home sick and unhappy all the time.
he means so much to me that i just cant bare seeing him upset for me, especially after i knew he did care about me.
so its like... sometimes when i dont understand him, i would feel so bad, and thinking why he's being such a
jerk... but once i understand him, it's like.... i just dont want to upset him. i dont. coz i care about him so much.

i'm running out of money soon, i wonder if i can support myself till the end of Dec. especially if the job is not
going very well, i wonder what i should do next. i m not the type of person who would ask for help easily...
i dont like asking ppl for help. i'm more tend to be the giver than the taker, like.... it's my nature. i think i would love
to be the taker sometimes, but just the fact that i'm not good at asking ppl for something. i'm more like.... i would
prefer counting on myself for getting what i want and need. that's why i dont ask my parents for money or
anything since 17. and the thing is even when i was a child, and when i wanted the toy, i didnt usually ask for
the toy. maybe coz i am too afraid of rejection? yea, could be. coz.... when i was even younger, i wasnt with
my parents. i was living in different families. so, yea.... somehow i am easily insecure, even on these days.

anyway... Stephen would ask me why not get the better quality of this and that... for me, in HK, when i had
the stable income, even though not much, but still i knew my budget and everything, so... yea, i m known as
that i would go for the expensive and good quality goods, just like my dad. but the thing is... here.... i have no
income yet, and i'm living with a small budget, i really cant afford much actually. everything is expensive for me.
it's like sometimes stuffs and food here are actually cheaper than in HK. depends on the quality and the brands.
but i would still go for the stuffs and food i like, coz i could afford them, and i know those are good stuffs.
but here, i cant, coz i dont know when i could get my money, and i think i'd need to count on myself on food
and money anyway.. so... if i can just go for the better price with the acceptable quality, then yea... why not.
it's not like i dont want good food or good stuffs. its just the fact that, i should watch my budget.
but... when it comes to if i would buy some goodies for Stephen, i just dont usually think of the price that much.
like the chocolate, doughnuts, or candies, or whatever, they are not super expensive. but if i took those money
to get myself some more food or other things, that could be great too. but i wouldnt do that. i would rather just
lower the budget on myself, then when i think of him or see something nice for him, i would just get that.
sometimes i feel like i'm like being on the guy side more than the girl side. well.... i dont know. i shouldnt spoil
him though.

jealous, yea, i admit that i'm jealous sometimes. not coz i doubt on him or dont trust him. but the thing is...
when you have no one here, and everything is so unstable for you, then you might need to worry about
the food and money, then your bf or gf is busy with another "friend", then how do you feel?
like... how many times are you meeting up with your friends in a week? 2 times? yea, i see him everyday,
but you can see your friends at work for 6 to 8 hrs per day too. i'm jealous and i know i shouldnt be.
coz probably i'm just too nervous. but who wouldnt be jealous anyway... but then i dont want to be so
selfish like... of course i want him to hang out with his friends too. coz it's his life too. he shouldnt just
give all of his time for me, especially we are not married or having kids, right... so yea... just hard
for me. coz it's not like i wanna be selfish, or bitchy about that... it's just the fact that i'm a girl, so...
more or less i do care.

last weekend...

brb...

>>November 27, 2009 at 4:05:44 PM GMT+8

2009 年 11 月 18 日 星期三 【晴】

Hi.

today this morning, i was in a rush, was so tempted to get the hotcake breakfast at McDonalds.
then, when i finally rushed in at 10 55, i realized that they stopped breakfast section by 10 30. sigh!
then.. i got a happy meal to make myself happy. haha.. i got a toy, 4 pics of nuggets and some apple slices, with
a small black coffee. better than nothing.

then i headed to HSBC for some insurance information, then went to Richmond Centre to do my shopping today.
i took the info, then went to The Body Shop to get my membership finally, then got my oil diffuser set. had been
thinking for more than 10 days if i should get it. and yea, keep thinking to get it, so i just get it. it's like.... i have been
browsing around, comparing the smell and price. this is my best choice. it's Moroccan Rose.
then i bought some different typesss of wet tissues from Shoppers, then also thinking to buy some Christmas cards,
and do some Christmas shopping soon.. then i bought a Tim Hortons thermo mug. so now i can keep my hot drink
hot for another 1 or 2 hrs. just like the one i had in HK from Starbucks. i wanna get a good quality one from Starbucks
or other Cafe.. but i'm just using it home, and i can always buy a better one when in needed.. so yea, just give it
a try. and it's Tim Hortons anyway, it's Canadian... something more special than Starbucks i guess? actually no.
it doesnt really matter. but i tend to support TimHortons than Starbucks.

i also bought a t-shirt with $5 dollars. yea, $5 only. and very good quality, but due to final seasonal sales.. so yea..
then i bought some Timbits for Stephen.. i wonder if there's a single day that i wont think of him... coz so far....
no, there's no one day that he's been out of my mind.

then i bought some Chinese food.... sigh... not real Chinese food anyway... not like mom's cooking anyway..
i miss what i can eat at home. like mom's cooking is good. i miss that so much. i know how to make those dishes.
and i have made them before for my friends too. but the thing is......... i'm here cooking for myself only. and...
it's like...... each time i make only 1 dish. and you know the prep time is long. and there need quite some ingredients
too.. then... maybe i spend 2 hrs in the kitchen, and i'm doing it only for myself. then i have to wash them all..
so... it's like 3 hrs cooking and cleaning... then 30 mins eating them, again, alone. so it's like.... what the hell....
i love cooking, always wanna do cooking, but the thing is, when cooking is no much fun at all, i just prefer
not doing it. coz.... at home, cooking is fun. watching mom cook, then chatting with her.. helping her...
then if i cook with friends, we would talk... this and that. here... no.... if someone's using the kitchen, i am not
supposed to be there. and when i'm cooking, i'm alone. when i'm eating, i'm alone. when i'm washing, i'm alone.
when i'm shopping, i'm alone too. okay, i'm sick of it. i shouldnt keep saying alone.

maybe... i just want someone, no.. i just need someone to..... hang out with. like... would do something i like with me.



hummm... and.....

this morning... he was suddenly very sweet to me.. and last night..... he asked me if i was not happy here..
i told him sometimes. but i didnt go into it.. he didnt ask for the details, and i wasnt really prepared for that he asked me what my problems were, i was bitchy again. i told him no. he said yes..
then after awhile... he asked me if i was not happy here... so he remembered or he still noticed that i was upset.
he asked me to take some information from the community centre.. i actually looked up on line before, but at
the library site... they had some seminars and programs.. i dont know.. yea.. he said maybe i could take a course,
or even study at Kwantlen. he mentioned the early childhood course i wanted before.. but i wonder if he didnt
like me going to those courses, coz he thought they were BS. for him, Psychology is BS.. but... it's good that...
he will support me to do what i wanna do...

last night... hummm.... when he wanted me to stay awhile longer, i really wanted to too.. so i stayed..
but i didnt tell him i dont like it sometimes. coz the thing is..

okay, b.r.b....







>>November 20, 2009 at 8:17:10 AM GMT+8

2009 年 11 月 17 日 星期二 【晴】

hello.

i m again at the Waves today.i just wanna take a walk, and then... yea... relax myself.
Stephen was right, i m not doing anything specific, except just sitting around.
but.... maybe things would change soon. ppl need to grow up, so do i.
i cant stand myself doing nothing at all. i contacted Dr.Li, and asking if she could pass me any works or tasks.
and he told me that i could start working very soon.

yesterday, i was trying to relax myself, giving myself some time to chill out and think about what i should do, and
what i'm thinking actually.. to let my emotion coming out naturally. coz here, sometimes i tend to get nervous easily.
i m trying to make myself home. i'm trying to make myself comfortable here. coz i wanna stay with him.

yesterday after leaving here, i walked home. and he was home already. i was a bit surprised.
he seemed okay. but then he told me that he was going to meet up with his friend. coz his friend needed someone
to talk with, and he had been trying to avoid that for awhile. but guess what, he met her, as a friend or whatever.
well, if my friend needed me that much, of course i would meet up with my friend. coz my friend is in need.
but the night before, i was just crying, and then the next morning, he was asking me why this and in what ways
i was upset or having problems with... i tried to tell him but it's time to go to work. so i stopped... i was thinking if
we might talk a bit in the evening, but... another friend is in need, and so, he already has forgotten about me and
the problems i was facing. since he didnt even seem to remember that, then i just didnt bring it up again.
coz it's very obvious right, another person and i who are at the same time needing him, and he knew i couldnt
hold it to myself and gotta share with him, then.... he just went out with her.

i was all upset at home. coz in the day time, i'm always by myself... which is alright. but then sometimes i just
want some company. coz i dont want to be alone all day long.. then... at "home", i just want ppl could understand
me a bit, or i could just be myself, but then i need to think about a lot of things, what i'm doing, if it's right, if it's
wrong.. what about what the others might think about me. coz i'm not a freaking Canadian. and i'm chinese,
doing lots of stupid chinese weird things. okay,i can understand, coz it's not my home country. but that's much
enough. sometimes, at home, i would just rather staying in my room, coz... at least i know i wont make any mess
or i wont do anything stupid in other ppl' eyes. last night, i just need my friends so badly.. like....... yea i'm jealous,
but it's not like insanely jealous. but i dont wanna feel like gosh i was ignored facing my problems by myself,
while my bf was meeting up with his friend. i called back to HK... i called my best friend Shan... we talked on
phone for almost 50 mins.... i was making my microwave dinner at the same time... i was heating up some corn
with sausages. yesterday, my breakfast and dinner were both microwave meal. anyway... yea... it was so great
to have talked with her... telling her what i've been doing.. what kind of situations were suck for me.. blah blah..
and telling her the funny stuffs.. but then most likely she was like huh... how come, why, how can you do that..
and she asked me when i would return home. everyone we both know were asking her when i would be back
to HK, everyone misses me. then i also called Ivy. i missed working with Ivy. then we laughed so much, she
told me lots of crap from BIT. i was like listening and laughing, coz some of them are just BS and very funny.
she was all pissed all the time.. and then i was laughing at her. like how can they do shit like this, right..
then yea... and i knew he and his friend were playing with the dogs. i was just ignoring them. the thing is...
i would rather think in this way.... i didnt lose anything, but he has lost the chance spending time with me.
it might make myself feeling better. but everyone knows this kind of things dont change the fact. and the truth
is.... everyone needs some personal space to do their own stuffs in their lives. just that i didnt expect when i
needed him, and at the same time another friend of his needed him, he would just... naturally forgot about me,
like... totally.. not as in my existence, but as in..... i just needed him to listen to me.

when he was finally ready to check on me again last night..... i was so happy, coz finally he's interested in
me again. i was really happy. its like, thanks, he didnt forget about me. and I MISS HIM. but at the same time,
it just naturally kindda like ... i was pulling myself back a bit... you know how it feels.. it;s like... back to a thousand
years ago, the empire or the king, he used to have a thousand girls in his palace right... and every girls were
trying so hard, fighting and playing mind games to win a night spending time with the empire. it kinds of reminding
me of that. but then now it's 2009 going to be 2010. why the hell i would be one of those chinese women back then?
i was pulling back a bit, coz... still it feels a bit uncomfortable. and i was not feeling very well at the same time.
i wanted to give him a long nice massage, i wanna spend longer time with him before he sleeps.. but the thing is,
if he really wants to do that with me too, why he came home so late, why didnt him walk her home earlier?

last night, he told me.... maybe i could go back to school, maybe this and that when the business start going better.
and it seems like... he understands what i am interested in doing.. and knowing that i dont want to be alone.
that's very... sweet.. really.. that's like a candy after some bitter medicine.

yea, i wanted to stay in his room last night, sleeping with him for awhile. but i know after 1 hr or so, i would be waking
up and walking towards my room and trying to fall asleep by myself again. then i would be worried if i would wake
him up as well. i know, he is not prepared to let me sleep in his room till the next morning. i dont blame him...
but when everything happens on the same day.. like everything.... then everything is just overwhelming for me.
yea it's my problem. i'm missing home, i'm stressed, and im supposed to deal with these by myself. and when he
wants to spend time with me, i should be all cheerful, otherwise im bitchy? or i'm just overwhelming myself again?

if he has already enjoyed so much with his friend, and he got me trying to understand and adjusting myself for
him.. isnt it a bit greedy if he still expect even more from me? like, i would be not influenced at all after knowing
he has a night with her while i needed him so much.

i really do love him.. and when i saw him falling asleep, when i saw him relaxing and comfortable... i am very
glad.. he looks satisfied and happy. really. he does. and that's so sweet to me. i'm so glad. but at the same time,
it sorts of like... yea... i gotta put down my pride for doing so much for the guy i love. it's hard. coz inside me,
there's a miss super nice, and also a miss tough and pride. most of my females friends are strong women,
they are called bitches by the guys these days.. but it's more like some globalization thing now isnt it..
and i'm born in this generation while every girls are getting more and more "bitchy" and i'm refusing to pick up
some of those theories, coz i wanna be fair to the guys also.. but... somehow.... boo.. things are just not the
same. sigh, Cas.... you love this guy, dont you.. you love doing things for him, dont you..

alright. that's too much for today.

>>November 18, 2009 at 11:27:43 PM GMT+8

2009 年 11 月 16 日 星期一 【晴】

hello...

i'm at the new cafe, Wave now... finally came in to try their hot dark chocolate, and also had a piece of rockyroad cho bar.
they are pretty good. the hot chocolate is even better than the one in Blenz. the rockyroad thing is kind of too peanut
buttery. but it's okay. it kindda taste like homemade chocolate bar.

i just did my laundry. it was much easier than i thought. well, i always freak out before i actually do something. while i
am still planing and thinking how to do things, i tend to freak out pretty easily, much earlier than ppl should have been i
guess. i dont know, i dont choose to be like this, but i guess time would change me. coz everyone would grow up at
some points.

about last Friday.... i actually got invited for dinner with Cyn and her friends. she really wanted me to go, but....
i was worried about Stephen and the drama was heat. so..... i prefer staying home in stead. it was so boring, but
at least if something happened, i would be there. and... i had some candies for him. i just wanted to cheer him up..
but then i was so afraid to bring it up to him, coz... dont know how he would react. but.. anyway, i did it... and..
gave him more space... then in the evening, he seems getting better eventually. he didnt want me to ask. then... yea..
i didnt ask or mentioned anything about that Thurs night... but.... then.... he seems okay now after Fri night.
i just gave him a long massage, with extra efforts, and put him to sleep. then on Sat, he was all freshen up again.
it was such a big relief to me. i dont want to see him sad or angry.

on Sat, we did some shopping at different stores. it was alright. my bag dragged something down in a store. i was like
was that me? Stephen said yes, coz it wouldnt have fallen by itself. i was like omg... i wanted to go back and put it up,
but he said no, it would probably fall again, or the other piece was gonna fall. we just walked away. we were playing
and doing shopping... then we had a romantic dinner at McDonald's. there were only the two of us. really. and he's
sitting at the table which i usually sit, and he picked the exact seat or spot i would do too. the meal was fresh made, coz
there were only the two of us. and it's raining and shit outside. so yea, pretty romantic ha..

on Sun..... it was raining, we took a walk to Dave's home. i hated it raining, but he said he's warm and dry. he just
wanted to piss me off. i was so cold and i didnt open my umbrella even when it was just in my purse. i know and i told
him if i was alone, i would open my umbrella. he said then ppl is going to think i'm a crazy little chinese girl having my
umbrella opened. yes, i know, and so i didnt open it when i was with him. just to make him feel better, not with a crazy
little chinese chick. on the way home. he was playing with me, it was a "war of willings", he called. i was like.....
no, no, and no. i'm not going to sing that song to laugh at myself. but in the end, i chose to just say it for the sake of
dryness i wished for. ha.... well, it doesnt change my nationality, and doesnt change my thought either.

time here is like...... kind of slow, kind of fast. i know i like living here, as in.... i can have all the freedom and the env
i like about Canada. at the same time, i 'm fucking missing home. i know exactly i love Stephen so much, at the same
time, i know i still cant give him myself 100% as in giving him the biggest commitment of my life, coz i know he doesnt
know me enough, or there are still something unclear in future with us. but the time goes quickly here with him, coz
everyday is like i want to be with him. i crave for my personal space and time, but also i dont wanna leave him for any
single day. then, i have been thinking alot, about myself. what i wanna do in future, what i really want to do...
but then i am also listening to Stephen's and i am worried that he doesnt know what i want or need, he is making me
become someone he would want me to be like. but that's not me.

i cant forget who i am and where i am from. at the end, i have to admit that i'm still the Ching Chong China Man he
said. i dont care what ways he means, it's true that.... i do a lot of bullshit things, i believe in what i have learned and
heard in my life. there are so much i dont understand about here, Vancouver. i dont know the ppl he asked me everytime.
i dont even know how to cross the road sometimes. i dont know those important ppl in the history. i dont know how the
machines work. i didnt know how to do the laundry properly. i burned my bacon. and he always thinks that i couldnt
cook, which at first i dont believe but now i'm all frustrated to say yea, maybe i'm just not that great. and guess what,
i am quite stressed when i cook, but if i dont cook, i might have nothing to eat. then i think of home, i think of mom, and
i think of the food and everything i have, i just cried everytime. then i think of having the jobs i was having fun with.
here, i dont have a proper job, a legal job. and i'm using the money i brought from HK, everything all of the sudden becomes
very expensive to me, coz i'm living with a small budget and with no income yet. and at the same time i am telling
myself i am counting on myself, and i have to. in the day time, if i dont leave my room, i have no one to talk to. even if
i leave the house, i could only talk to the ppl in the store i visited. and then since afternoon, i'm wishing to see him
home soon... so that i could have someone i can talk with or hang out with. then..... he's the most important person
in my world, and now i'm living with him. it's so important for me to feel like i'm living in a family or at least something
like a family. but sometimes it's just difficult for me to adjust into his life and his house. it's a bit hard to blend in. the
cultural differences are harsh, then alos with different rules. i can understand the rules and the reasons, but it doesnt
change the fact.

if he's just some friend or a real homestay family, i could understand. rules are just rules, and they wont be my real
family anyway. so it's more like living with friends with a lot of respect on different habits of theirs.
but with my own boyfriend and his "sis" and dogs, then.... it's a total different things. or maybe i'm still not used to
that yet. i dont know. it's just hard to make myself home. and sometimes, not sometimes, it's like almost everyday,
i would find myself so stupid for some small things. like little things. and i'm stressed about that. in HK, i'm not the mis
perfect but i'm the at least the miss nice, miss smart, miss polite, miss popular.. i'm confident when i was in HK...
but here, i'm the stupid ching chong. that's really insulting. life.... i dont mind to learn new stuffs, and i cant be happier
to do so..... but somehow... when it's related to relationship, then i just know that things are not that easily, not like just
going to school.

he might think i m doing nothing sitting around here. it's sorts of true... but you know i rather having a job. so that
i could be as confident as i used to be. i can have things in my control. i'm not talking about controlling others or
manipulating others. i mean i know what i'm doing, and where my life is going. i need stability.

anyway... last night.... after the movie, when i was sitting with him in his room... he was chatting on his phone,
then i dont know... and i was thinking of my family... then i just cried. i didnt let him know, coz... it's hard for me to
show emotions in front of the person i love. and... it was late, didnt want to ruin his sleep schedule. the thing is,
i was really crying. tears dropped on my pajamas. then.... i wonder if he knew, but he said i was bitchy to him.
i said no. he said yes, i was extra bitchy to him. i couldnt sleep till 4 sth this morning... then i got up ard 9 30..
i wrote a small note for him last night wanna apologize to him about last night... but i didnt give it to him.. then...
this morning, i really wanted to apologize to him. i wanted to keep it short, coz he needed to work, but he asked
me why, for what, in what ways. then i tried to explain, then he told me not to tell him things like that when he's
walking out the door. i said bye but he didnt reply.

i'm trying to be a good girlfriend. i really am working hard on that... but things are not easy.

i dont know if he would talk with me tonight, or he might have guest coming over... i dont know..
and... my cousin Katy is asking me out for dinner with Jackson, Mable and auntie.. i wanna ask him if he would like
to come with me.. the date is not set yet. yea... it would be great if he would come. but they are not like my
parents and sisters, like my real and close family in HK.. but yea.... i wont force him, it's totally up to him.. but if he
comes, yea, it would mean a lot to me. coz... it's not about having a dinner with whoever, but.... it's like... a great
chance for him to see another side of me, and if he does come.... it shows his respect and commitment with me.
if things are not serious enough, if i dont plan to have a long term relationship or having a future with him, or just
casual friends, there's no way i would let him meet up with my family for dinner or whatever.

>>November 17, 2009 at 11:28:58 PM GMT+8

2009 年 11 月 12 日 星期四 【晴】

humm..

today i got up, got ready in the morning, then i headed out for a walk... around Steveston..
then.... i bought 3 things in the theft shop. i bought a basket, and a pin first.
those pins are so lovely, and i'm sure the regular price must be so expensive. i bought them coz they were wore
by some other ppl before, so they had their own history.. it makes it more special, it kindda feels like it's passing
by some senior granny. hee, maybe coz my granny wouldnt do that, so i like that. haha. then also... theft shop is
like... the donation place for some organizations. the one i went is like.... for Richmond Hospital.
anyway... i bought two things first, then i had lunch at McDonald's, then i did some shopping at the grocery store.
then i came home... rested a bit... wanted to go jogging. its been almost 2 months i didnt really exercise. coz i had
been sick for very long in HK... then yea, it felt good. i also bought the 3rd thing.. another pin. i just really adored
both of them.. so i decided to go back and get the second one.

tonight is very.................. strange. something happened between him and Ayako. i was very scared... i do care
about both of them, but at the same time... it's like............ i dont even know if i should get involved. coz i know he
wont like it.. but of course it hurts me when i saw him that angry. and i seriously didnt know what happened.........
no clues................................. so............. yea... it's been a few hrs already... i had been in and out of my room,
and in and out of the kitchen to check if things are cleared up yet... if things are alright or not.... i was so tempted
to take care of the mess, but then..................................................... i wondered... if it's what i should do. dont
really want to make so much mistakes again this week. then i just cleaned up the pasta maker again... hummm..
i didnt cook, coz the kitchen was like................... in a mess after that "war" then..... so..... i just had some corn
chips and my soy milk for dinner. i dont even know if he would still want to talk to me tonight... coz he used to be
like when he's angry, i better not disturb him. but the thing is...... he had a guest just now. i dont know if it was
just a wrong time for me to go pour some soy milk for myself... i just heard that when she left. sigh. its like.... right...
i can understand, a friend to listen his complain... but..... right... so when there are things happened, the first
person he wants to connect with is not me.

i said he has been a nicer boyfriend, yes he did... it's very obvious too..

i was saying to my friend when i first got here that..... if i dont cook, i might have nothing to eat. he might not prepare
food for me, and it had been always true in my every visits in the past. i tried to understand, and so.... i cook for
my own. that's okay. but since last Fri.... he has been nicer to me... as in...... he would cook for me.
but tonight, the situation is a bit.... odd. he's strange since he was making dinner in the kitchen. and yea...
dont know what went wrong.

beside cooking... he seems to be more patient with me as well... but somehow, when he says i'm dumb, i know
he means it. and.... it does hurt a lot. i guess it showed on my face too, but dont know if he knows about it or not.
3 times i felt myself dumb or he said i was dumb, in just 3 days. it's like once each day.. it never happened in HK..
i dont have such stupid record in my life ever. but... here, with him.... i do. which is.... very hard to accept personally.
he has his reasons, but.............. i dont know... i just think they shouldnt have happened.

on Tue, i had lunch with Cyn... yay... i met her downtown for lunch.. it was great to see her again. i miss her.
so we catch up alot... it was great, just great. then... i went to 7-11 to buy bus tickets... i saw those poppy things..
so i asked those staffs about it... they knew nothing about them, they said... it's just a donation. i was like what?!
these ppl are citizens, they worked here, but they dont know about the products in their shops, especially these
important things. then i wondered how bad i actually could be while Stephen was making it difficult to me. well,
he got a reason. well, yea.... right........

i took skytrain home... and........ on the way, Stephen gave me an sms... i bursted into tears. i was crying.
i was thinking, and i knew i would say to him like......... "was that my fucking problem not knowing you have a
party tonight? so this is what you are giving me when i care about you" his joke was not funny. i was actually
crying on the bus as well. i was very angry, then i came home and i saw his car and he was home.
i guess he didnt see me crying... sometimes, i really dont understand guys very well... but then yea... then
we headed out to the shops and made dinner...

last night was fine... but.. i just dont feel so comfortable sometimes, coz.... i wanna make myself home..
i do care about both of them, but it's difficult to treat them as my family... i really do wanna treat them as my
family.. but... the rules and shits here make things very hard on me actually. its like... sometimes i find it very
difficult to blend in his house and his life, you know...

like yesterday about doing the laundry... it's like... when i closed the door, walking upstair, i almost cried.
and i did cry a bit in my room, coz i was very angry actually. anyway... problem solved.

hummmm i dont know if he still would like to see me tonight.. well... i dont know, and obviously, he turned to
another person immediately when shit happened just now. so.... sigh... being someone's girlfriend sucks.
sometimes i would rather be with girls, i mean... still being someone's girlfriend, but... at least i know girls.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

Your view on yourself:

You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so
cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't
necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you
meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important.
Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed.
Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You
might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

>>November 13, 2009 at 6:30:07 AM GMT+8