2009 年 7 月 27 日 星期一 【晴】

hello...

tired. but it's okay.
i got an extra holiday today.. well, not exactly supposed to be a holiday, but i took a day off for myself since the
prof called sick. i got her e-mail. it's lucky that i have checked before leaving home... then i spent like almost an hr
to read her tables and data.. and i couldnt figure out her files.. and it's like there's no way i could start.
then i just wanted to go back to sleep.. but.... i waited... i wrote her an e-mail before that.. then i just went back to
bed. the thing is... i just fell asleep immediately.

i got woke up by my sis Leggy... mom was going to grandpa's place... dad, Leggy, and i went out for lunch..
i came on line again, honey was gone already. guess he was too tired, went to bed already.

then... yea.. we went to a chinese restaurant, and after lunch... we walked around.. we did some shopping together.
daddy bought me 2 t-shirts =) hee hee. nice. then yea.. we walked back to the Tai Po centre.. we walked around..
then i have fixed my phone bill.. then we came home.. i was resting... hummm talking with Shan on line..
planing to go to the yoga class... blah blah..

tomorrow i would have 2 classes, then i would rush to the post office, then i would go have lunch with Shan.
i wanna finish the post for honey, but i still havent done it yet... humm... if i cant finish it tonight, then maybe
going on Friday.. i dont know... i want to send him since long time ago... but i havent got everything in yet..

Eden, one of my fav kids is going to quit.. tomorrow would be his last lesson.. hum... he's so cute.. i'm gonna
miss him. i dont know, i really like being with kids.

i'm lonely.. i'm bored... i'm tired... i'm getting old... these are all so negative.
i wanna live a happy life, i wanna shine like i'm supposed to be like.

on the other day... his friend asked me why i was home in an afternoon on Sunday. i said i dont know.
he asked me why no party or something... then honey said i was not allowed to. i was like kind of right.
but i also think... i really dont know. yea, i'm supposed to go out and have fun. i do only when there are some
big gathering, or when i'm with my family. i'm so boring, isnt it? i dont know much jokes or fun in life.
i dont have much clubbing exp, or any other adult-like exp. i'm not so crazy about all the party stuffs or
funny stuffs, and i'm getting old. i think i should go sometimes. i'm not a party girl, but i should go out and
see the world. see what i can do, see what ppl do... things like that. but i dont know.. i would ask him..

i wanna do something to make myself happy. i think i should do something.
yesterday i went for a run... 1 hr 15 mins... 3200m in 30 mins, pluz walking..

i'm not an outdoor person, except i do like taking a walk or stuffs like that.. but i would like to go ice-skating,
go to the islands, go to some exhibition, go out with friends.. go to the yoga lessons, go jogging, go to the
cooking class, go to party.. i dont know.. just do something to make myself happy.

actually... i gotta thank him always being on line with me... i know sometimes he wasnt talking with me,
i can understand.. but what i do appreciate is... he tries.

>>July 28, 2009 at 6:48:44 PM GMT+8

2009 年 7 月 25 日 星期六 【晴】

i'm very tired. very tired.. and it makes me wanna cry.

i got up early again for the morning class. today was with Rosh.. my first time with Rosh...
i didnt know what to expect, and i just went there 5 mins extra earlier so that i could prepare more.
well the class was okay... i guess.... then... it's my first time really leading the class for almost 2 hrs..
i liked it, but my voice was not loud enough. and i'm so fed up with my work hrs there. it sucks. it really sucks.
then Rosh invited me for lunch.. well.. okay i guess.. i was hungry too.. we were trapped at work anyway.
someone was supposed to be there to close the centre today but we waited for so long to her to come back.
anyway, Rosh is a funny person to hang around with.. but at work... hummmmm it's still okay.
i'm not quite used to work with her maybe... we were both trained by Ivy.. but.. somehow we do things a bit
differently.. and i guess that's why i find things very different. anyway, it's okay. she's a nice person...
i got so much to do there, but.... i dont know.. i'm kind of lack of motivation to do so, you know... so bad.
anyway, i talked with a kids' parent today... telling him about what difficulties his kid is going through with us now,
and also what problems might show later in school... i talked with him for awhile.. he knows actually what's
going on with his kid.. and i see him very worried. next week, i would talk with him again, and see how the kid
progresses.

after lunch, i walked home... then came on line again. i was very tired... then honey was on line..
his friend was there too.. and i was quite embarrassed today. anyway... we were on skype.. it's much better
than on msn. at least the webcam works. thanks god. then yea... we talked... it's been long i havent heard
of his voice already. i miss him a lot... it's good to see him today.. but he did make me very embarrassed...

then i was thinking of the work at City U.. i still havent finished them.. so... sigh.
i like what i'm doing, but i feel so lonely. so, do i actually like what i'm doing??

like today... my family have a outing today, then i missed it. then i wanna do so many things, but i cant.
i wanna go jogging, i wanna watch movies, i wanna finish my post for honey, i wanna make cookies and egg tarts,
i wanna tidy up my room, i wanna have more time to hang out with friends but i dont have time. coz i need time
to work, i need time for honey, i dont even have time to sleep. how ridiculous it is?

i wrote something on Facebook before.. .and i got quite some comments already... one was from Joy...

"agree. We can't ignore what we feel, but we can try hard to identify the real emotion that we are feeling:
is it anger or jealousy, anger or hurt, anger or disappointment, anger or embarrassment? That's the part that
is not easy, for me at least!"

" thanks for the sharing, Joy! i miss you!! It's really hard to tell what they are now... i just know there are so
many things we cant control in life... there might be so much i want to do but i cant. and it's like... sometimes
my decision making is also depending on the others. it makes things much more difficult for me. anger/ jealousy/
hurt/ disappointment/ embarrassment they are all related, not easy to distinguish... sometimes i dont even know
what they mean now. maybe i'm most likely... tired, frustrated, and worried. i'm doing okay, but i'm not happy-happy.
Life has to go on, and it's tough."

i'm frustrated, coz i'm stuck here... i am graceful coz i still have my family and friends here.. but i wonder if
my life here is something i would want in future. i just dont know for sure.. and when i think about maybe i should
go back to school next year, but i dont have the money, and this decision is like not depending on myself only.
i need to think about him as well.. then... i just dont know. and then... what about job? what can i do there?
what am i gonna do? i'm not so patient, yea? guess i'm not so strong afterall. sometimes i feel so alone you know..
it's like.... there are so much i wanna do but i cant do.. and so i have to be patient, and step by step, one day i would
be there. i cant give up or cant stop moving forward. so much i wanna do with my study and career path..
but there are much more i wanna do with him.. but it's also so unstable..

i would need two check ups next month. i'm a bit worried... and then....
i'm worried for mom and my grandpa...
god.. there are so much i'm worried about... and then i dont know what i can do basically..


no.. i'm not happy.







>>July 26, 2009 at 5:48:07 PM GMT+8

2009 年 7 月 23 日 星期四 【晴】

hello..
i'm very very very tired.

on Wed... i had a morning class... then i went to Ella's place. Shan got emergency, so... i went there for help..
the class was okay... my fav kids again.. i was very very tired though. it's like... i got up at 6 30 am..
then started working since 8 30 am... then till 8 pm at night. i just want to have some extra money.

on Thursday... i went to City U again... continued with my work... hummmmmmmm it was okay...
i had 2 cups of strong coffee before work. i worked alone the whole day... yea... but in another room..
it's boring, but... i dont know... Dr. Li asked me how i felt.. i told her nothing very special, i was okay.
i told her that... while... i concentrated so much on what i'm doing, i dont think of the surrounding so much.
she said yea, i saw you seem fine, thinking you might have adapted to here already. i smiled back.
the thing is... it's not a hard job for me but then i just need to be alone all the time. bleh~
i bought the pants from Mango during my lunch break.. i need that for work.. then i went to Pacific Coffee again..
i ate a bagel.. then waiting for the internet there at the same time... then yea... stayed for a short while,
chatted with Stephen then i went back to City U.. i tried to download msn again... the thing is...... i didnt think of
choosing to use different network other than the one i was supposed to use. anyway.. the msn works for me
now. yay. although i dont talk so much coz i needed to really concentrate, it's still better than nothing..
i was trying the web messenger in the morning, it sucks. it got blocked anyway. i was there by myself all the
time... i took some boring pics.. then yea... i was there by myself.. the thing is... that's fine, i concentrate on work,
then.. i dont find bored or anything.. i could just focus. but sometimes... you know... no one talks to me, during my
working hrs, or lunch time, or break time.. no one. i couldnt finish my work in the end...
i feel like i'm a week behind already... sigh... then i went home...

b.r.b... i'm dozing off...
my nap time now... *yawn..

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

okay.
that day, when i was on the train.. i saw a very terrible girl. she was leaning on the handrail and it was very
busy on the train. she was supposed to hold on to the handrail not leaning the whole body there.
i was like holding to it, and my hand was in between her back and the handrail. i didnt back off, coz...
it's like it's not my problem. if she didnt mind my hand there, then... whatever. i could feel her bra strip
on my hand, and i she still didnt mind. she looked back, i looked at her. she was a bit embarrassed but she
kept going, so... okay. my nails were on her body. she must feel a bit uncomfortable, but who cares.

i feel like i'm very slow at work. i mean at City U... i have 3 files waiting to be finished by this week.
then.. at the playland, i need to do the lesson plan and prepare some teaching materials as well.
i'm thinking to have another part time job then quit this playland one.. but i like being with kids. so.. i dont know..

today was quite busy.. i was very tired.. i'm just very tired these days.
the class in the morning was like killing me, taking away my energy. i was half dead after the morning class.
one of the kids was screaming and crying today.. he's a bit unusual... as in.. sick. i went home, bought some
dumplings, so i was cooking them... then after that i was on line but fell asleep on the chair... i was exhausted.
then i guess Stephen was talking to someone else.. he said something strange... hummm then i went back
to work for the second class.. it was much better but still i was exhausted already... but this coming Sunday,
i would start to have a new class with Rosh. i dont know... i'm a bit worried, but i wanna do it great, so that
i could have more classes in future or at least have a raise. Ivy and i are getting closer these days...

we talk more.. she's so funny sometimes.. she told me she saw my pics on the facebook about my bruises.
hahaha.. she said it was so stupid. i told her yea, it was. then when we left, she was reporting to miss yip
about our work today.. then miss yip was asking so much details and stuffs... then miss yip said Ivy might
need to find "someone" to teach the classes in future. Ivy was looking at me and smiling, then i said oh yea,
you need to find "the someone" to teach. then she wanted to beat me. haha. coz the thing is... she complaint
she has no life, giving all her time to this school.. but we all know it seriously we deserve much more than
what we are getting now.. so she is fed up as well, and planing to quit. she's kindda like... want to train me
well, then would want me to step up. so she keeps pushing to miss yip like, castor can handle this, castor
can do it... so when miss yip asked her today, she had to show like... "someone" which means.. me. then i
knew it and just joked with her. she was blushing afterward. then we left..

i guess i should go to bed earlier at night actually.. but.. still i'm on line every late night.
then i need nap time every evening.. and i feel so dead..

sometimes... i'm fed up at work.. not coz i dont like the job or dont like to work..
i'm just fed up by the facts there sometimes very unfair situation or sometimes i'm just... tired and lonely.
you know how it feels?

i wanna go to the book fair... i wanna go to the islands... i wanna go out with friends.. but i'm so tired and
i wanna stay home, but i also want to go out.. my schedule is messed up.. Ivy was right, i dont have a life.
i dont know...

now it's the end of July...
time flies. i miss him.. i want to be there with him..

>>July 24, 2009 at 6:39:17 PM GMT+8

2009 年 7 月 20 日 星期一 【晴】

hello..

i'm finally back to here..
i have been very very tired these days... i wanted to go jogging, but... too tired or totally no time at all...

yesterday was..... Monday. i got a morning class.. i was there on time. but Ivy was really late.
first thing i did was turning the music on, then took out the juice and cookies from the fridge.. then took the attendance
file out, counting no. of students, taking their name tags out from the file... then setting up tables and chairs, put on mat.
took out the toy box, finding the teaching materials and put them in order into the teachers' box.. then counting the
art work materials and put them into the students' folders. checking the water, cleaning soap, alcohol gel, then took
the temperature detector out... i got a few megs from Ivy.. and i mesged her back the king was there...
then when she showed up, she told me his face was so dark.. and i was quite a bit nervous.. coz he looks so
scary really. then... the lesson started. Ivy wasnt in a good mood.. and i was very tired. then... my fav baby, Tse Hin..
during the lesson, Ivy hold him and put him down... but then Ivy did it too quick... he didnt sit up.. he fell and hit his head
on the wall. i was like omg. he started crying... and of course the parent was there... i was a bit concerned.. coz..
Ivy looked okay, but she didnt seem to realize what could happen, especially he was too young...
then the class continued... it was okay... i had a great time with the kids... they were running around... but they liked
to play with me. i was so tired.. and coz the king was there, probably watching us through the cam, then i just gotta
make sure i have followed his instruction.. he didnt like kids running around, he thought kids could sit or concentrate
for 2 hrs. wth. anyway.... after class... i stayed... for... another 1 hr something?? i cant remember already. i was
very tired. but still needed to take care of some aftermath.. sigh. i'm getting fed up with my pay now. i do so much
work but the pay is like so low, they cut down classes suddenly. but my workload didnt drop. i freaking hate it.

back home resting... doing some work for City U... then took a nap... i was like very tired and needed to wrap
up the calculation.. the statistic... i hate statistic... counting things.. always mis-count something.. i was like..
counting again and again.. bleh~~~~ but then i took and sent Stephen lots of new pics of mine =) hummmm...
i want him to keep my pictures.. i dont know.. i sent him some before.. i did all the pics for him, and then...

i thought of the "Len Mo" recently.. those young models... then last night i put up 2 of my pics on my Facebook..
i got a few feedbacks from a few friends.. then... i just took them off. i didnt mean to share with others anyway
when i first took those. i took them for fun and wanted to share with honey only... so.. yea.. took them off just now..

i couldnt sleep well last night.. i had too much coffee and tea.. then i slept ard 5 am... 2 hrs only...
then got up, got ready to work.. made toast and extra strong coffee... yea... i left to work.
City U is a relatively new... everything is new and high tech.. which is quite cool..
i saw Dr. Li... then... she arranged works for me... and we went to the Personnel Dept... i took my staff card..
but then i couldnt access their network yet.. something's wrong with my account. then... yea... i went to
the library with Dr. Li. so strange, coz i could use my pass to go into the library. anyway... after the first
session.. i saw Dr. Li again before lunch... then i went out for lunch.. i walked around in the Festival Walk..
i was checking out some stuffs... i wanna get Stephen something, but i couldnt decide what to get.. so.. yea..
then i went to the Pacific Coffee... i bought a doughnut and a strong brew black coffee.. i used their internet.
hummmmmm the doughnut was kind of bad. it tasted like the one from Superstore or Save on food. it just doesnt
taste good or ... not even fresh... i talked with Stephen for a short while... nothing much...

back to work.. saw Dr.Li again... worked in the library again... in a small room... alone... no sounds... no one...
only me. hummm doing a bunch of translation work.. reading lots of cases... trying to analyze the data..
hummmm i found something.. and ... it made me think about myself.. think of what i did in Van. i dont want to
write it down here, coz it's supposed to be a secret, the big secret between me and him.
i think of... what i did there, and how different it is or how similar it is compared to the stuffs i deal with today..
it's very similar yet too different... it's a huge contradiction.

then it's like.... the same old feelings... what am i doing in HK now? i dont know... aint i supposed to be there
with him? or i'm just still taking time to experience the world by myself over here?

i dont find myself attracted to any other hot guys i have seen here... i dont feel anything special with any nice
guys either... i'm not talking about girls. i feel so alone sometimes. and i really wonder what am i doing here,
you know... i'm not saying i cant do a great job here.. but i always want to pull myself out.. coz... when i think
about next year, i might not be in HK.. then i cant keep my sight here in HK.. i'm a bit like... dont want to care too much
about what i'm doing now for my future. you know.. i'm usually the kind of person who would think and plan for the
next year. i would notice and plan for my future.. but i m stopping myself doing so, coz... i might quit what i'm doing
in HK now. but what about in Van? what am i going to do? is it like last time in May? then i would need to come
back to HK to start over again? i just got a lot to think of.. i wonder what i'm doing here, as in... why am i here?
aint i supposed to be there with him now? i wanna get enough money then go over again. but what's next?

in "my room" in the library today... when i was resting... i was bored.. i took some stupid pictures...
i saw myself excited working there, coz it's about human services, it's about sociology and psychology..
but then think about myself... choosing over him or a possible good opportunity in HK.... the ambitious side said
go do this job 120% great, then applied for the master degree program next year, i would be probably in.
after 2 years or so, i could be a professional in psychology, maybe taking a doctoral degree later on..
then i can do so much more for the ppl around me. the inner side told me... i should be honest with myself that
i want him, and i should be brave and fight for him and our future.

if i see him again... i wanna ask him... i wanna ask him if we would need to be apart again...
please be nice, please love me. i'm just a normal girl... who also has a fragile heart, want to be loved, want to
be with the one i love. dont go away, please stay. i'm just... in front of you. can you see me?

>>July 21, 2009 at 6:56:10 PM GMT+8

2009 年 7 月 17 日 星期五 【晴】

now the Typhoon no.9, Red Rainstorm warning, and the Landslip warning are on.



today... i got up late... i just couldnt get up..

i was sitting and having my coffee... then i got changing and ready to go out for lunch..
my parents and Miki were hurrying me.. they went to the dim sum place.. and i was like kind of sleepy and grumpy.
coz i was kind of frustrated on the internet. Stephen and i were trying to use webcam but it'd never worked.
i was quite... upset. my tears just fell.. i dont know, i was just sort of emotional. but i dont know how to let him
understand. or maybe i shouldnt tell him.

i was grumpy, running to that dim sum place... then when i got there.. i started eating... then my parents were
having a hot argument. then dad left first to my grand parents home... and mom was still complaining... blah blah..
then mom, Miki and i went to the market to get food for dinner... and the thing is... i dont understand why they are
arguing for such things.. i think it was kind of ...... stupid and... i was sitting... and ppl were glancing on us..
kind of embarrassing...

got home.. resting a bit... then got ready to go to Maggie's place... it was okay.. saw lots of friends.. not much
but quite okay... C-man, Dorothy, Shiu Po, Mable, Hohohei, Tung, my best friend Shan, Queenie, KaLok, PKY,
Water, Tsz Yan, Maggie, and her husband Man. it was quite funny... we all had a good time.. and then the typhoon
gone crazy... it was kind of like out of control.. and tent was like going to fly... and we were holding on to it,
haha.. then the rain was crazy with the wind... then yea... we had a good time, and show really high team
spirit as in.. all of us was trying to tidy up the place and the tent together.. it was difficult coz of the wind..
a bit dangerous, but we were a good team. and we have made it. it was hard to come home... the weather
was really really bad... then dad didnt come to pick me up... and Mable's friend was driving us home..
and it's like... so bad. we needed to walk down to get in the car... and i was like slipping coz of my sandals..
and i was so lucky that KaLok caught me.. and even i had an umbrella.. i was just all wet.. everyone was the
same.. then yea KaLok was sort of holding me.. and thanks Mable's friend gave us a ride home.. it's just crazy
outside..

i think our roof is okay... but dad kept checking... worried about the leafs or branches from the tree would
block the water pipe.. then our roof would get flooded. then the water might go into our house from the stair.

tomorrow... all of the sudden, i would have a lesson at 10 am... with Roshly... but the thing is... i dont know
if the class would be normal or canceled. too hard to say. i wish i would get paid if the class is canceled in the
end... but i dont think it's gonna happen.. so i wish the class would remain normal. but it would depend on the
weather. i dont know.. if it's raining too hard, it would be too hard for me to get to work anyway.. sigh..

sigh... i dont know... i told my friends that i'm very bored.. they said they always asked me out, and wanted to
hang out with me, but i was always rejecting them. haha.. i told them like well i'm very bored.. i would like to
go out more. Mable siad she would call me... then i told Maggie let's have dim sum together one day.. i told
Tung i would visit him at work sometime.. i told Tsz Yan i would call her for lunch or dinner before she goes
back the the States.. then KaLok said he would call me sometimes.. well yea.... i want to be with my friends
you know.. i'm so bored. i'm lonely. and... i'm trying to... make myself happy. sometimes seeing my old friends
is quite cool. we could talk about anything, like stupid thing, dirty jokes, or any funny things, any jokes... and
it's like we talk about the past, and plans in future.. and we know each others very well.. and we're kind to
each others.. it's so warm and fun. i like them... i could be just like... the Castor that everyone knows..
and even when i'm silly or stupid, they know me, they would joke around with me, but they would take care
of me, especially the guys.. when i'm with them, i could be just a girl. they would protect me and do things
for me. how sweet it is. hahaha.. and our girls are like... so funny.. taking shit.. but actually everyone talks
shit and play around. it's kind of silly but funny. they asked me today what we put in the "Time Treasure box"
back to 2003. i was the class chairman.... and i could barely remember we did that, and it was put in the
staff room only.. they didnt really burry it.. and i wonder if we really chose to put a boxer in that box,
or we put something else.. coz as i remember, Hong was there too with me... but i'm not sure.. i could barely
remember we did do this, but cant remember the details already.. anyway... they joked about me and Tung
again and again.. and i was like whatever hahaha.. they also talked about Hohohei and C-man. it was so
funny... just dug into so many old gossips and news..

i dont know if i need to work tomorrow... hummmmmmmm...... but i guess i should get some sleep now..
it's 4 18 already..

i miss Stephen so much.. i really do.. and it's like the webcam really frustrated me.. and i wonder like..
i'm so lonely, i need him... and i'm worried but i know i shouldnt be worried too much.
i'm gonna be busy from tomorrow on... Dr. Li has sent me an e-mail tonight. i just gotta start working tomorrow
at home, and bring the doc back to City U on Tue. but then tmr i got a morning class.. then Mon also..
i'm gonna be so tired. i wanna go to the store tomorrow.. and also post office on Mon after work. coz..
i wanna send the package to him on Mon, also would need to go to the bank on Mon. sigh.

>>July 18, 2009 at 8:23:46 PM GMT+8

2009 年 7 月 16 日 星期四 【晴】

hello...

well.. today i was very sleepy.. didnt really want to dress up or put on make up..
but then... i guess image is quite important as a teacher... and i have to get myself ready and well prepared anyway..
so yea... spent a good morning home before work. today is so crazy hot... and it's like... melting and suffocating..

back to work, Ivy was there already. then chatted for awhile when we were setting up stuffs for the class..
then yea it was a bit rushed but okay.. the kids were late. today was a big hard for me, coz i was really tired..
and it's like.. one of the kids are soooo energetic, he'd never looked at you or hardly communicate with you..
i really wonder if he only lives in his own world, you know.. i mean seriously, he needs a professional assessment.
i talked with his parent before, but she didnt really agree with me. she thinks he's just too naughty. but it's like..
even if you are waving at him in front of him, he looks around and his eyes can tell he's not responding to his
surrounding. it seems like he's dreaming in his world. he doesnt speak, which is strange at his age. so...
i dont know. one of the teachers asked Ivy and i came back to the centre earlier for the 2nd class, so that we
could tidy up the storage.. i was like... what? Ivy shows her "dark face" as well. coz the thing is we were
staying extra long already... then that Miss Ip said maybe we could stay longer now then didnt have to go back
earlier before class. i was a bit shocked, i told her no, i'm leaving. i would come back later. i asked her like
what time we had to come back... then she said ard 20 mins before setting up class.. i said no. i would be back
for 10 mins earlier. Ivy said yea it wont take too long. we would come back earlier. then we took off.

i came home in my lunch gap.. i feel bad i didnt have lunch with Ivy.. she was like hanging around couldnt go home.
well... i wanted to come home coz of him anyway, but then yea.. maybe we could go for lunch together actually.
i had wheatabix and soya for lunch... then Leggy brought some sweet and sour chicken home... i had two
pieces... it was okay... i was sitting doing nothing.. i wanted to take a nap but then... i was on line. anyway..
i went off line.. lying on the bed watching tv... cooking show.. then i went back to work..

i was helping to tidy up... i was so stupid.. helping Ivy to hold a big paper box.. then i fell on the floor.. now i got
a big bruise on my arm... then Ivy was so funny... she told me the owner of this centre was here... and she said
we should give him a name, just in case... yea she has been telling me alot about the centre, the principal and the
owner.. then she said the owner is the king.. i told her, yea, he's "The King of the Playland" she laughed out loud..
then obviously the principal is "The Queen of the Playland" so funny.. well i heard this name from my fav show,
Craig Fegursion.. he's The King of the Late Show. hahahaha... well well well.. i'm quite scared of the king and the
queen actually... i saw him yelling and shouting at the other staffs before.

the class was okay.. got new student, who has OCD... Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and also GAD... the
General Anxiety Disorder. she was diagnosed, so it would be easier for me to handle the class... i noticed that
she got problem, but she's not serious.. i dont know maybe today was her first day, i just didnt see severe
symptoms with her. but there were 2 kids i have met there definitely got issues and more serious than this girl.
i still havent forgot my psychology classes or any other skills related i have gained from school.. i think it's good
for me at work now.. coz.... even though i'm not a professional teacher yet or this school is not quite professional,
i could still use my skills and knowledge to serve the ppl around me, i mean the kids. so.. it's really nice and
meaningful to me.. i wanna do psychology work or education work in future.. professional one. now it's like
gaining experience, and i quite like it.. except the unfair conditions at the centre or lack of resources, i just like
what i'm doing.. but i know someday i would quit this job.

after class, i walked home.. i wondered going to the grocery store to pick up some grocery.. but no... have
spent some money on the clothes yesterday.. so... just went home. i bought some panties from the Jusco on Wed...
hummmm i wanna buy more.. but i wanna go check out at Marks and Spencer again.. i'm kind of tired to go out.. but
will see... i'm getting bored and lonely.. i wanna go out and have fun.. guess i just need something to distract myself
as well... i dont know... it's just hard for me.

i miss him so much... it's just difficult without him... but i'm thinking... if honey didnt want to talk with me, i have
no reasons to stay on line waiting all the time actually.. i dont know.. i dont wanna make it like depending on him
all the time.. coz.. i have my life too.. but it's just so hard for me you know... ='( but yea... i guess i would be okay.
i got to be okay...

tomorrow, i am supposed to go to a bbq party at Maggie's home tomorrow night.. but now the typhoon is here..
i dont know if we could make it. blehhhh~~~ i really wanna go out have fun, see some friends, laugh, joke around..
i need some excitement, i need some fun... i need him but... what can i do? relax.. i need to relax myself.


I said, "Dad I'm big, but we're smaller than small
In the scheme of things, well we're nothing at all
Still every mother's child sings a lonely song
So play with me, come play with me"

There are secrets that we still have left to find
There have been mysteries from the beginning of time
There are answers we're not wise enough to see
He said, You looking for a clue I love you free

The batter swings and the summer flies
As I look into my angel's eyes
A song plays on while the moon is hiding over me
Something comes over me

I guess we're big and I guess we're small
If you think about it man you know we got it all
'Cause we're all we got on this bouncing ball
And I love you free, I love you freely

Here's a riddle for you
Find the answer: There's a reason for the world
You and I




is it everything gonna be fine?





>>July 17, 2009 at 6:51:23 PM GMT+8

2009 年 7 月 15 日 星期三 【晴】

hello..

i'm very tired today..
i got up early, got ready to work.. went to City U... appointment at 10 am.. then went to the Personnel Dept. then..
got some briefing, talking about my job duties and schedule.. then.. yea i left... i would work at home this week..
then starting next week, i would need to work there 2 days a week, full day. need to wait for my staff card, then
i could access the library and internet. hummmmm Dr.Li is very nice. and she said she would teach me some
softwares, which would be useful for my own studies later, if i'm going to the Master degree program.

then.. i left there.. had lunch at McDonald's by myself. i hate that McDonald's. the services sucks. they know you
are waiting but they wont let you know their lines are opened. they chatted with each others, then let you wait.
but then when other customers came to the line, they took the order, but wouldnt ask them to line up.
then when one of the servers drops a straw on the table, she just put that straw back on to my tray, she didnt
bother to give me a new one or say sorry about it. then when they put the food on the tray, they didnt put it,
they threw it. it's like... what the hell. cant believe the McDonald's in Festival Walk is that bad.

then i went to H&M. i wanted to buy a hair clip. they were on sale, like 50% off. hummm i bought the hair clips,
very very cheap.. then also... a dress, which is just sooooooooo pretty and sooooooooo cheap. i cant believe
that dress is that cheap. then also a tank top. i need a tank top in Summer here. it's so crazy hot.

i came home... rested a bit.. then went for a run. 3600 m in 30 mins, then another 35 mins walk. it's okay..
i guess i saw someone i knew... a guy from my primary school.. a shy one... older thna me, used to me my neighbor..
hummm i guess we were in touch for awhile after i finished school at USU before going to VPC?
cant remember... but it was late, and it started to rain so i just ran home. i dont know.. i liked him before when
i was a kid.. but then... he was older, so he went to secondary school before me. and i dont know why he
just suddenly hated me one day.. so... i dont know. i'm no longer living opposite to his apartment since long time
ago anyway. if he ever recognizes me, i wont mind to say hi.

i have to prepare 30 flowers for tomorrow class. i almost forgot about it.. so yea... making them now.
i made at least 20 extra before.. i dont know why they finished all of them.. then now i just have to do some more.

i'm quite tired... but exercise makes me feel good.. and it's like... when i m angry or upset over something,
it's just a good way to vent. the anger pushes me to run faster and longer.. and i like it with fast beat songs too,
it helps adapting to the running and venting. i really wanna pick up the yoga lessons soon.. it must be fun.
i wanna go ice-skating too. maybe i'm too bored or lonely.. i just want to do something exciting, i want to go out
and have fun.. i want to... do something to make myself happy. probably next week, i would go to the supermarket
in City Super, to shop for some tart shells, then i would try making egg tarts again. i was finding some recipes
on line before.. i got a few nice once.. i wanna make some little changes, try to make it on my own.. then next
time i'm gonna make devil eggs. i love it so much. then i wanna make myself some cookies as well.. it's been long
i havent eaten any nice cookies already...... sigh.......... if i buy Ms. Field here, it's gonna be so expensive. if i use
the money to buy ingredients, i could make soooooo many pieces on my own =) and then i should start practicing
my cooking skills now.. i'm not super free, but.... at least something i want to do and i would enjoy doing so...

what kind of world do you want, Cas...

Should there be people or peoples
Money, funny pedestals
For fools who never pay
Raise your army, choose your steeple
Don’t be shy, the satellites can look the other way
Lose the earthquakes, keep the faults
Fill the oceans without the salt
Let every man own his own hand.
Can you dig it baby?

What kind of world do you want
Think anything
Let’s start at the start
Build a masterpiece
Be careful what you wish for
History starts now


no...
i cant dig it.

i read my Reader's Digest today when i was waiting for my appointment.. some girl wrote to editor about
she thinks she's just like a doormat sometimes.. then the editor replied her... she is, only when she sees
herself in this way. then i think of my counsellor Marry. and i remember our conversation before.
she does help me to build up my sense of Self again. and i realize how special i am and who i actually am..
she asked me before if i found myself like a doormat sometimes... i was speechless.. coz i didnt know.
but as she described, i could be.. but i didnt want to be.. then i went home thinking... even if i was a doormat,
that's only coz i allowed it happen to myself. but i love myself so much that i would not take it, never ever.
it hurts me if i'm treated as a doormat, and there's no way i would accept it. so even if i was a doormat,
that only exist in someone's eyes, and it's not true. coz i am not.

i'm quite ambitious and hard working... i seem quite strong but i'm not. there are times i wont fight for what i want...
when the time comes and shows there's no meaning to fight, i would rather losing it instead.
it hurts but... you know... you lose it, lost something you dont deserve, and if you step back, you gain more.
sometimes, you gain back your dignity and freedom when you stay out from some business you are not
supposed to be in. i do love myself, otherwise there's no one else would love me the way i do to myself.
i am a.... delicate person... but i guess sometimes.... i just gotta be stronger... not as in to... fight or...
whatever... i dont like that.. but when i m hurt... it's more important for me to understand why i'm hurt..
is it coz of ppl or work or studies... i am hurt coz i do care about them. and so... i could choose not to
allow them hurting myself. and if i do so, that's it.

i'm lonely... can i stop myself feeling lonely? Marry used to ask me... how lonely feels like...
i said.. its like something's missing.. it's kind of empty there... then she asked me how i felt when i did different
activities... helping me to search for my happiness.. then in the end i found out... my happiness is in myself,
not anything easily changed. and only the real happiness could fill up my loneliness a little bit. the key is still
not about that. i'm easily happy.. but... the key is.... in myself, and in between me and Stephen.

it's been almost 2 years already... i mean the last time i saw Marry. i'm so thankful to her..
and i still remember every sessions we had, her encouragement and help. i grow up a lot... and...
i still choose Stephen.. and all the ups and downs did drive us crazy... i love him. thats the only thing why
i want him and need him so much... i dont know... but... i'm still faithful in him and us.
i know Marry is not working in that place anymore... i do wish her all the best.




>>July 16, 2009 at 6:05:56 PM GMT+8

2009 年 7 月 14 日 星期二 【晴】

hello..

today is just another working day. same same. got up early, dressed up, made up. made breakfast, got ready to work.
today was okay. but they were a bit distracted, especially hard to keep them focus. anyway, some parents started
chatting with me now. so i guess they have accepted me already. after class, Ivy and i stayed for a while cleaning toys,
then also i need to bring some construction paper home for later use.. i need to make 30 flowers for Friday.

after work, i came home... resting... then went out again with my parents. we had late lunch, then shopped for dinner.
i took pictures for the staff cards.. the thing is... i couldnt make a nice one at home, so i just did it outside.
came home.. resting... then i was too tired... i took a nap. just now, we installed the router finally. it's okay.. but the
computer runs really slow now. i hate it. i wonder why it's so slow.

i got the mesg from Kim again. he's not really a very close friend of mine, but he seems very nice to me, which scares
me a little bit... coz.... from my experience, usually guys are very nice to you only coz they want something...
like your attention, your trust, YOU as in... the possibility of being in a relationship or sexual relationship with you.
attention or trust might lead to a relationship or a sexual relationship.. there arent that much guys who wants
pure friendship these days. i dont trust guys that much anymore since i have seen alot alot alot of the weird ones
these days.. friendship doesnt really exist with a guy after i become an adult.. or unless there are something big
happened between two ppl, i mean a guy and a girl. so.... friends.... i dont know... co-worker as a friend is just
friend-friend.. unless something big happened that helps develop better relationship, otherwise just co-workers.
say seeing each others at work only, talking about work stuffs only.. there's no way to make friends at work..
however if the ppl are very nice and the working env actually allows it, then it might happen.. but.. i dont know.
same gender is easier to make friends at work i think... different gender... i would try to avoid it. church friends
are church friends, they call it brother and sister, so thats fine.. but other than that... females and males... the
attraction i find these days are more like sexual than pure friendship. anyway, back to Kim... i dont know for sure
what he wants exactly.. maybe i'm very defensive, i just want to protect myself this way. he didnt ask directly
if i am single, but he has been quite nice and explaining himself a lot to me, which i dont necessarily know about.
if i'm single, i might give him a chance and see what he's up to. but no.... i have enough to think about, i'm attached,
so... no......... and no. i dont want another James or whoever... it was just... terrible. i'd never want to hurt
anyone or get hurt by anyone. so... no. this is just my point of view...

tomorrow i would go to City U in the morning.. would meet up with Dr. Li. hummmm i'm a bit nervous but i am ok.

life here is very different. i watched tv just now... there's a reality show talking about some white ppl went to
Taiwan teaching English... there are so many changes in life for them.. they have different problems.. like family,
relationship problems. money problems, and the cultural differences, frustrations with the students, blah blah.
it was quite real actually. it's like.... when i think of myself being in Canada, i dont have as much problems, but
i could sort of understand how they feel. when there happens so much changes all of the sudden in life, the
whole env is different, how they could cope with the new life. the funniest part was... the girls's bf flew all the
way to Taiwan from Canada for his girlfriend. the girl just cant adapt to her new life there, but she chose to
go over there anyway.. and the ironic part is.. the guy was going to bring her the news that he just slept with
another girl he met somewhere. he said his life is just upside down now. well, i would like to watch the next
episode and see how it goes. i think this is just so real. it's not about myself, but...it's interesting.

i checked the ticket today. it's quite expensive. maybe coz it's too early... i checked 3 airlines... 2 of them couldnt
show the schedule in June 2010. so.. i dont know.. i would keep checking.

life here is so different... i dont know... i'm okay but...... it's not okay to be apart with him.
i dont know how to explain it... i feel like we have missed a lot about each others life, and we have missed so
much time. it's hard to communicate. actually iphone has helped so much already... but... i guess i understand
what he told me before... something that's very personal could only happened when two persons stand with
each others in person. for me it's like... i dont know what i can do.

anyway... i have been preparing something for him.... hopefully can send them next week.
i hope... at least i could do something.. it's like.. when i was there, it was much easier for me to show him
little things, little by little... but since i'm back... it's just hard. and it would take me a week to 10 days to send
something to him.. .. sometimes i really wonder.... i just want to be with him... i need him.







>>July 15, 2009 at 6:44:26 PM GMT+8

2009 年 7 月 13 日 星期一 【晴】

hello.

i slept very late last night. i was waiting. well.. i just went to bed anyway.. then i got up very late today.
i dont feel very well today, i felt very bad... i dont know if it's about my body or coz i'm stressed.

then... just went out to have lunch with my parents.. we had dim sum today..
then i also went to the book store.. i bought a clear folder, then i finally bought a router and a usb memory stick.
i walked home... then went for a run... i ran 2400 m in 25 mins and another 40 mins walk today... it was okay.
i might do it again tomorrow... anyway, i weight myself this afternoon.. i dropped 2 pounds since a week ago.
i felt a bit sick.. my heart beats strange tonight, especially around the dinner time.

i came home.. checking mails again.. Ivy e-mailed me the students' assessment report, asked me to fill in
comments.. then she also e-mailed me some other stuffs.. so i was doing the printing, filed them... then making
my photo for the staff card and stuffs. hummm... then... i had dinner.. after dinner, i continued working on my
photo. it's such the pain in the ass, and still i'm not satisfied with it. sigh. then i was also watching Prison Break,
the Final Break. Sarah was in prison this time, coz she killed Christina. it's crazy, Michael and Link are trying to
help her to get out. well.. at the end, as the final episode shown last week, Michael was going to die after Sarah
gave birth. so... it doesnt really matter now. he died. how come it wasnt a happy ending? everyone like Michael.

then... after that, i took a shower.... then working on the assessment report... then now... i'm taking a break, and
doing some thinking.. i was organizing some of my lesson plans and see if i can find more pictures for the teaching
materials. now... i'm just thinking of him and... different things..

i have been waiting for honey... then just now... he told me he's on a break. i was happy to see him on line, but
at the same time i feel a bit sad as in.... i wanna touch him.. i wanna see him with my eyes, i want him standing
in front of me in real. and it's like... there are so much i cant do. and he couldnt see my face, couldnt see my eyes,
couldnt see how much i want him. he is not only bored with what he's doing. he's also bored with me.

you know...
at first i worry a lot about... if i should stay in HK longer before going back there again. but now i'm more concerned
in going back there earlier. it's not easy for me to go back... bu it's so difficult for me not to go back. life is tough, coz
he is not around. i dont know what to do... what should i do?




>>July 14, 2009 at 7:26:14 PM GMT+8

2009 年 7 月 12 日 星期日 【晴】

i got work this morning.

i got up at 6 am... usually at 6 30, but today yea 6 am.
i had my nice breakfast, coffee, then watching news.. got ready to work.
it was okay.. i dressed up, put on make up, reading stuffs... got ready for work.

the class was okay... i like Tsz Hin. that kid is just soooo cute. he's smart too. i like him so much.
then.. yea.. the second class was canceled. then Ivy and i stayed taking care of the admin stuffs..
preparing school fee invoice, updating some files, the lesson plans, the teaching materials.. then we headed out
to buy some stuffs for next month. Ivy said there was compliment for me from some parent on Sun. i was like oh really?
i dont know.. guess that was from last Sun with Richa. well.. cant remember which students were in that class or
what i did already... anyway, i walked home. i was so sleepy.

i came home resting, i was on line... didnt do much... chatting with honey for awhile.. guess we both were
pretty bored. then i had lunch... hummmmm i was too tired... then outside was raining so hard, i couldnt go out..
i fell asleep, then i just took a nap. i was so dead.

humm i guess i really have to go back to Van soon...

i thought of the video he sent me earlier on... hummm... is he gonna do that?

i'm a little worried actually.. coz..... it's still very far from Dec... now it's only July.
i shouldnt be too worried, coz... it's not toooooo long.. but you know.. it's just hard.
i do love him.. i wanna be with him. sometimes i wonder i dont care to deal with the immigration first before
anything, if he would feel better this way. i just wanna be with him. or is it actually has to be in this way...
i dont know... what i care about is... our future. but i cant ignore the present and now.

>>July 13, 2009 at 6:21:36 PM GMT+8