2008 年 12 月 29 日 星期一 【晴】

hey..

i slept ard 6 sth am this morning.. had some little happy time before bed actually. hee. honey would
know what i mean. i stopped working on those number since ard 3 sth am actually. i couldnt do
anymore, so only chatting on line with honey and reading some informaton.

i woke up ard noon again, then rushed having lunch and dressed up for a meeting. i met the lady at the
company today. before that, i dropped by Tai Po center to meet up with Shan for 15 mins. need someone
to talk with. i need help on the Excel thing. damn it. i am not giving up, i just need to beat it. then yea...
rushed getting a file for the information as well, Shan helped with the printing. i am gonna buy her
dinner or something in Jan. she has been helping me so much. she's such an angel =)
then i went to that company. i'm surprised that's also in Tai Po. i stayed there for 2 hrs 40 mins.
it was a very long time. i read the information, played with their toys, understanding the features and
stuffs.. then... also pratcised a bit in front of them. they wanted to see how i do. well it's a tough job
actually... i would need to do lots of prep for that. and then of course it's a big challenge. and i'm quite
happy and lucky to have this chance. it's not a small company, it's international, and the presentation
is gonna be important and big. so it's definitely interesting and new to me. i just wanna do it the best
i can.. but the thing is i'm rushing up the research, so.. it's just a bad time. but i think i would do whatever
i can to make sure both would be fine. just cant enjoy the process too much, coz everything has to be
done quickly and i need to keep things perfect. so it's difficult but challenging. yea, the meeting was
long enough.. and i need to go back there for another meeting on Fri, morning... before going back to
the office, i mean my own job. so... yea... just very busy for me these months. crazy since Nov.

i miss my honey so much.. i wonder why i love him so much.. especially James is being super nice
and sweet to me, i still love honey so much. i guess i dont know James very well, but i know he is the
very nice guy that i have never seen before. well no, i have seen such nice guys before but....
nothing much happened. so.. i dont know why James is so nice, and i dont know why he is so nice
to me. i mean come on i m nice to everyone.. maybe so does he? but yea at work and after work, he
is just very nice. he's sensitive and caring. but you know sometimes guys could be like girls too..
so sensitive and caring guys might end up being needy and girly. and i am so against guys like that.
i like guys being guys, be a man. so, honey is safe =) i'm praying James wont be the perfect guy, coz
if he is those super prince-charming, i would be really surprised how come this world would have
someone like him. i'm definitely impressed by his golden heart, and sweetness, but.. too bad i'm
attached. i m still in love with my honey.

i dont know.. i am those kind of trouble girls i guess. i like caring and sensitive guys, but at the same
time if they cant keep my curioustiy on, then i might get bored haha. i mean i like nice guys, but i also
like the naughty guys, so the best is the good combination of both. coz i think i'm like that too.
but most importantly is that the guy loves you, and appreciates you. he would make you smile and care
about everything about you, being honest with you, respect you, and wont leave you easily. ppl say
they love you but they dont show, or just by saying love could mean nothing.. i think if that guy is
willing to put in effort to impress you and make you smile, then he wont be too bad. if he knows how to
love himself and at the same time he knows how to love you, then it would be great. coz he wont be
so self-absorbing, only concerning of himself. being confident and intelligent are also very important,
coz i am so attracted by that, and with the cute smile, that's just so perfect. i still think love is so hard
to describe. just like honey, i really dont know why i love him so much.. i dont think he is the very great
guy.. but... i dont know. he just got the charisma i guess =) so... to be honest... i really dont know.
i find him cute, i find him sexy of course, i find him smart and very intelligent. i find him controlling which
isnt very cool, but he is confident even though i might not argree with him on certain things. i find
myself willing to rely on him and give him my trust and love. strange but true. so if i find out he has been
lying to me or doesnt love me as much, i would leave him and hate him for a really long time for sure.

alright... tonight still need to work on the research.
i just finish all the number thing.. so tonight it's time to do the reading and writing.

brb.

>>December 30, 2008 at 1:42:18 PM GMT+8

2008 年 12 月 28 日 星期日 【晴】

Give Me The Music


hey..

i slept.. ard... 6 30 am this morning... then woke up ard noon..
then rushed to meet up with Miki for lunch, then accompany her to exchange something at the ToysnRugs.
it was okay.. we went to Sha Tin... then also had a coffee.. i just need some hot coffee to keep me
warm and awake. i hate it so crowed there. its not speicificly crowed, but i just dont like too many ppl,
it's like why so many ppl in the mall? dont they need to work or go to school or study? if i dont have to
go with Miki, i wont bother to walk in the mall. i would rather just have a coffee and rest at home..
exercise, movies, whatever just resting at home.

anyway, home... tired.... then searched for some new songs. i need some more songs. and then..
got the call from a lady, i will have an appointment tomorrow at 3 pm.. go some company to see their
products, the presentation would be starting next Mon. i'm a bit nervous, coz my research hasnt done
yet, and i'm working my every effort on it, even though it's not the last min... i dont wanna stress out
too much, yet still trying to do as much as i can now. you know... i'm stressed, but stress cant really
help me solving the problem. i'm feeling quite stressed actually, but.. you know.. im trying to... focus.
and the thing is... i really need time and support now.. i'm lucky that Shan can switch the schedule for
me, so i can take time staying home to finish my research these days.. and then yea.. i'm glad that
honey is doing okay as well.. so i am not worried about him there. well he's the big guy i dont really
need to worry for him anyway. but you know he is my love, and he's not here, of course i miss him
alot and think of him alot..

for my research... hummm i have done those average number and the mode of all the questions.. but
then now i gotta rush up to do the correlation part. it's even more complicated to do actually.
coz.. i need to... pick up some ques and put them together, to see whether there are much correlation
between two varibles, to indicate some sorts of issue i have found as my hypothesis. so.. yea.. here
comes the exciting part.. to see wether the data would match with my thought.. say if it is gonna
sucess or fail.. but... yea.. it's just the entry level maybe. i mean.. it's just the undergrad level.. i cant
expect too much from it. it takes 8 weeks to complete with so lack of sources, i'm actually quite proud
of myself. coz.. i'm sure my questionnaire is well created, and i have fellow all the steps correctly.
so.. i dont know.. see what i will find.. then i need to write the paper, and do the reference, and the
charts and the presentation as well. i'm just so running out of time. ahhhhh... =(

anyway, Castor is gonna rock the paper and the presentations! hahah... just kidding.
but yea.. see what i can do...

>>December 29, 2008 at 11:38:35 AM GMT+8

2008 年 12 月 27 日 星期六 【晴】

hi.

hummm i was feeling dizzy last night again, then i went to bed.. wasnt feeling well..
i woke up at 2.. headache.. then... yea i just realized i slept for 11 hrs sth.
i was a bit dizzy and feeling headache.. then i had lunch... and laid down again... watched a movie in
bed.. i was really bad.. like.. exhausted and... just cant do anything at all.

i got up.... thinking if i should sleep again or just take a coffee.. i really wanted for a walk but too tired.
i feel like now i'm more thna 24 hrs awake, which in fact only awake for 4 or 5 hrs. anyway.. i took
a shower just now.. feeling better but still headache,.. had some chocolate and a hot tea now.. bad..
i might need some sweet to stay awake or some sugar boost? i want a walk just to breath and take
some exercise, but i'm too tired to go into the crowd in the mall and stuffs. but there's nothing much
ard my neighbourhood. so forget it. i wont be able to take a real coffee within at least 30 mins fast
walk. wont get any goodies from any small stores, well unless the Chinese style ones, within 15 mins
fast walk. hummmm.... just too tired.

i'm feeling bad coz i have wasted a whole day home now. it's 6 48pm, and i havent done anything for
my research yesterday and today so far. well yesterday i tried working on the Excel. i found the way
to do the stats now.. but havent tried in real with my data in the real file.. so...... today and tonight..
i gotta hurry myself.

dont really like this kind of busy lonely christmas time. busy not only for christmas but schoolwork and
work. hummm i used to love my research, and i still do... willing to spend lots of time and effots to make
it perfect.. but now i'm just ..... kindda exhausted.

i miss my honey so bad as well.. and so i have the extra lonely feeliings which isnt very cool..

anyway... gotta start working on the research now.
brb.

>>December 28, 2008 at 10:51:50 AM GMT+8

2008 年 12 月 26 日 星期五 【晴】

today...

i overslept. i woke up at 9 20 am... which is usually about to finish breakfast on Sat.
coz i need to leave home ard 9 35. so stupid me.

i went to work... in a rush... bad mood with a taxi ride. back to the office, 2 mins late, but it was ok.
students werent there yet. then.... worked... and... trying the Excel thing at work. blehhhhhh..
then.. yea.. had lunch. there'snt anything much i wanted to eat. then i just took a walk and bought
McDonald's to go.. hummmmmm ice tea. it was a good time for ice tea. today is kindda cloudy. kindda
depressing, especailly when i was lonely.

when i went back, i saw James at the door talking with a parent. i didnt know what was going on..
then.. yea i talked with the parents.. and dont know why today just got so much enquries and then
so many ppl talk to me.. teachers, parents.. hummmm busy talking with different ppl. then Mendy came
over. we chatted for awhile also... hummmmmmmmmm she told me something about Ella. Ella complimented
me in front of her but behind me. why she did that? i thought she doesnt like my work and so she
compliant. well i'm a bit confused now. anyway... that doesnt change the fact?

i am glad to see honey on line today.. chatted with him on line.. i miss him so much. i just wanna fall into
his arms, i wanna kiss him and sleep with him. i have so much wanna do with him. i miss being with
him there, i miss him. i miss having someone to beside me who would give me smile, hug, warm, kiss,
touch, love, attention, some little laugh, well yea more than these... we can do so much together.





你的姿態 你的青睞
your attitude, your appearance
我存在在你的存在
i live in your world, your existence
你以為愛 就是被愛
you think love is all about being loved
你揮霍了我的崇拜
you have wasted my worship to you

我活了 我愛了 我都不管了
i live, i love, i dont care
心愛到瘋了 恨到算了就好了
it doesnt matter, i have loved till being nuts, till know how to hate you
可能的 可以的 真的可惜了
"perhaps?" "we could?" "what a pity"
幸福好不容易 怎麼你卻不敢了呢？
it's not easy to pursure fortune, why now you dont dare to accept it comes?

我還以為我們能 不同於別人
i thought we could be different, different from the others,
我還以為不可能的 不會不可能
i thought maybe something impossible isnt impossible

你的姿態 你的青睞
your appeal, your attitude,
我存在在你的存在
i live in your existence
你以為愛 就是被愛
you thought love is all about being loved
你揮霍了我的崇拜
you have just wasted my worship my love

我活了 我愛了 我都不管了
i live, i love, i dont care
心愛到瘋了 恨到算了就好了
i love you till i'm mad, till i'm so mad
可能的 可以的 真的可惜了
"it might work," " it's okay," "such a pity."
幸福好不容易 怎麼你卻不敢了呢？
it's so hard to have found fortune, why now you step back?

我還以為我們能 不同於別人
i thought we could be different
我還以為不可能的 不會不可能
i thought it isnt impossible

你的姿態 你的青睞
you appear, you look back
我存在在你的存在
i still live in your world, existing coz of you
你以為愛 就是被愛
you still think love is all about being loved
你揮霍了我的崇拜
but you have just wasted my worship to you

風箏有風 a kite needs wind to fly
海豚有海 a dolphin needs an ocean to live
我存在在我的存在 i live my own world, my existence is for myself
所以明白 所以離開 so now i understand, and so i leave.
所以不再為愛而愛 so, i dont love coz i need to love.
自己存在 在你之外 i live without you.

>>December 27, 2008 at 5:56:20 PM GMT+8

2008 年 12 月 25 日 星期四 【晴】

hello..

i slept at 7 am this morning... i was doing the research.. hum inputting data...
at the same time... waiting to see if my honey would be on line. no, he didnt.

then i went to bed.. and i woke up ard noon..
doing the data again, then had late lunch... kept working on the data.. =( then i found myself kindda stuck.
coz.. i couldnt figure out how to do the statistics by using Excel. i kept trying and trying, steps by steps,
still failed... i wasquite frustrated.. then i just dropped by Shan's home, then took 30 mins walk to the
Starbucks to grab a coffee... then 35 mins walk back... home... tired.. but felt better. then came back..
and saw Jame's e-mail. why is he so nice? i will see him tomorrow at work anyway, why he e-mails
me? i dont know if i should e-mail back. i feel warm to read his mail.. it's like... how could that be
possible to see such nice person? he just doesnt have to be so nice. well, i guess he is just new in HK
he doesnt know all the culture or rules here yet. he's from a very small town, so i guess that's why
he is so nice? i dont know. but i'm glad he likes HK so much. maybe i dont like HK as much as he does.
i just think he shouldnt be too nice to me. i dont want any wrong signals between us. i am getting abit
worried now coz.. i dont know how to handel this kind of situation. if he is just a so so guy or a bad
one, i can be bitchy to him, but he's just so nice.

then at the same time, i'm thinking of my honey. i need him.. i miss him alot.

last night, at mid night, we opened all the gifts we have this year. it was kindda fun. i got 9 gifts, they
were all lovely. i love them so much hahaha. it's like.. hummm nice. haha. then i got lots of chocolate as
well. i just fall in love with the chocolate. coz.. i need them to feel happy i guess. bad.

anyway..... all i want for christmas is just him, my honey. i need to feel close with him..
=(

and my paper.. i'm running out of time.

>>December 26, 2008 at 1:04:54 PM GMT+8

2008 年 12 月 24 日 星期三 【晴】

Keeps Getting Better


Circus


I Kissed a Girl


Just Dance



Merry Christmas

i slept till noon, then........ just had lunch, i'm very tired today.
took a walk to meet Shan at Starbucks. had coffee... just wanna chill out, relax.
then met my parents do some shopping for the dinner. we are gonna have hot pot tonight.
it's nothing much about Chsitmas, just wanna have hot pot. but i bought a small christmas pudding.
so yea. we will try it tonight =)

i miss my honey. dont know where he is. probably busy? i wish i could spend the christmas with him.
so,.. now... it's all about the girl power ard me. trying to have fun with myself and my girl friends.
i refused to go party at bars or clubs. i was invited twice but i turned them down. i wanna go have
fun, dance all night, but i refused to go.. coz... i think i'm just picky about these things now. feel weird
to go. anyway.. i should work hard on my research instead.

>>December 25, 2008 at 10:29:58 AM GMT+8

2008 年 12 月 23 日 星期二 【晴】

today.... is the Christmas Eve =)

i woke up... then dressed up to work. well... though i dont have any parties tonight, still wanna dress
up abit, coz... i'm young, and if i look suck, ppl would think i'm suck in Christmas, which means... no one
is gonna date me, no parties at all, being alone. i know it's kind of true, but.. at least dont let ppl see me
this way, right? well...

i wrapped gifts and writting cards at the office again. i'm so running out of time, so... whatever, just do
what i should do anyway. so yea, i'm done =) and i'm glad to give the beautiful gifts to my family.
i know it takes only 2 mins to open gifts, but... a gift with love means more than everything, right?
i take time to choose gifts, to do these stuffs by my hands in the busy days... i am happy to do that,
only if i can make them smile. it's Christmas, right? =)

i worked.. then... Ella was back. we chatted for awhile.. took a few pics, exchanged gift. haha. her
baby was so cute today. haha. then... yea... i left earlier today. back home eating junk food then ...
resting and watching "Home Alone" laughed alot like every years. =)

hummm... since Sunday, James has been e-mailing me. well, if i were single, i would have been
touched by him so easily, coz he is very nice.. he is not very charming but very easy going personalty.
just very nice and smily. hummmmmmmm... i dont know him very well or too long, so.. i dont know.
i used to think, it would be very difficult to find someone nice in HK, coz i just havent seen any who is
interesting at the same time. then usually for those i have seen were attached or just not interested in
them in general, just friends whatever. so... i dont know. James seems like a really nice guy which is
kindda scary. coz.. also, everyone at the office told me he is very nice. and when i told Ella today he
has been e-mailing me and stuffs, then Ella was surprised. i'm a bit... nervous now, coz.. i got the
feelings that he might like me somehow.. coz he insists to go out someday with me, and he has been
just really nice but he didnt have to. i'm nice to everyone... not only him... but he does take things very
seriously, and to be honest... i find him similar with me. so.. it's kind of scary to.. you know.. see
someone like him... coz it's like seeing myself somehow.. it's just nice and familiar.. it's rare and a bit
surprising for me.

but... Ella asked me how things going between me and Stephen.. hummmmm it's same same i guess.
since last time, we dont have much time to catch up. he seems very busy actually. the thing is..
Shan told me the same thing.. like... if i dont wanna do stupid things, i gotta be careful with James.
he is nice, but i'm not single. well i said.. i'm not supposed to have space for any strangers or "friends".
if he does make me think of him sometimes, which i dont hope for, then... things might get complicated.
i wanna be loved and valued... not with other guys but Stephen. and i dont wanna make comparision.
coz it's not fair. Stephen and i have lots of good time and good memeorries too. Stephen is kindda
weird and very controlling sometimes.. he could be a jerk sometimes.. but he's still my cutest one in my
heart. i dont wanna do stupid things to hurt him. he has been through much enough with me.

i kindda think about in the past, Jason, Benny and I. coz i was in Van, Jason liked me.. and we were
close, then Benny was jealous and i was about to break up with him.. so.. he almost begged on the
relationship. i didnt do anything with Jason, but Benny had been quite bad to me... like always disappeared.
but then i didnt start with Jason though he was very sweet and nice to me too. then.... he left and i
was sad. i chose Benny. he treated me very nice that month.. but then after that, things went back to
normal... so.......... you know.. it just reminds me.... in the past, everytime when i met someone nice,
i didnt really cheat on my ex.. but then... in the end... we still broke up coz of other things. so.. cheating
or not doesnt change so much. coz it's still not the point. it's about... why i didnt cheat and why we
still broke up. it wasnt about the other guys, it's about my ex and i. i shouldnt have space for Jason at
the first place.. but.......... when i wanted Benny, he wasnt trying any efforts at all to keep the relationship.
he did nothing except being disappeared. then Jason was there being nice and sweet. did all the things
for me, making me laugh everyday. he shared everything with me. i told him i had a boyfriend. he
respected that but he couldnt stop being nice to me. he told me he had never been a friend to females.
he thinks girls and guys have no friendship. but coz i dont want him, he would try to take me as a
friend. so before he left... we spent lots of time together, and that night he held me and my hands when
he sent me to the bus stop. then on the day he left, he kissed me at the airport in front of other friends.
it's hard to stay in touch and i rather not be. just let him go instead.

sometimes... we do make choices... choose to stay or choose to leave...
i might be thinking too much right now.. but i rather be aware for such things than might be doing sth
hurtful to the others.

for me.. now... it's still the same.. like when i was in Van. i dont want any third party, i still want to
stick with the one i love. though he is imperfect, or i might be happier with the other one, it is not
something i'm willing to do if it is gonna hurt the one i'm with. coz.. i love him. i just love him.
i'm thinking if i should let Stephen knows.. he might be very stressed and busy these days.. so.. i dont
know if i should talk with him about this.. if he is gonna be mad, then i rather not telling him. i just dont
want to take his attitude. it's like.. also what i want my friends' bfs know about... look your girlfriend is
actually quite a nice girlfriend, many guys have been trying to hit on her, not only for sex but for a
relationship. if you dont know what you have, then you might gonna lose her someday. not coz she
wants to run away but you are simply pushing her to the others.



i have been very tired lately.. dont really wanna work on my research... but i'm soooo much behind..
i dont know how many hrs i would need to catch up with the old plan.. i just know that.. i want the
nice Christmas... and i wanna focus on my study at the same time.

Merry Christmas...
but... all i want for Christmas is.. him.. Stephen.
i wanna be in his arms, wanna sleep with him. wanna share everything with him.
wish he has already got my blessings and the love from me.


Merry Christmas.

>>December 24, 2008 at 6:15:52 PM GMT+8

2008 年 12 月 22 日 星期一 【晴】

hello.

last night i slept very late... ard 5 am? yea.. ard 4 sth or 5.. then got up at 10 30.
dressed up, make up, packed things.. i went to the school party today. it was okay, wasnt too bad.
Dr.Eicher's burger is tasty =) but still i miss Deech burger by Dennis and Lisa. hahaha. then i got the
gift from him as well. thanks. then.. we chatted for awhile after the party. he is writing a new course,
and it's interesting. i would like to know how it's gonna help the students, it's nice. then i said i would
drop by sometimes maybe next semester, coz i wanna see those 25 students.

then... i left school and went to meet up with auntie Priscilla. we had coffee.. then exchanged gifts.
it was okay. she gave me a graduation gift. thanks. then i went home. i'm so tired... i cant work on my
calculation stuffs.

i e-mailed honey last night before bed... he replied... hummmm he wasnt angry at me. he was just busy.
okay... so.. i have been worried for a few days only coz i care about him so much. it's okay...
tomorrow is the Christmas Eve here.... and i wonder if he would wear the sweater these days, or ...
maybe eating that chocolate? or at least listened once to the cd i made him? haha. i wish he would.

the girl wrote back. i just replied her. hummm i wonder where she's from and where she is now.
i would like to see her sometimes, but i dont know where she is actually. then.. James wrote me today.
actually since Sun, he has been writing me. the e-mail is getting longer and longer. he must have lots of
fun in HK now i think. haha. good for him. he's just a rare nice guy. i wonder if Ella knows he has been
writing me.

tomorrow is the Christmas Eve, but i havent finished the gift wrapping or christmas cards. i'm gonna
do that at the office tomorrow morning maybe... try to get there earlier. ard 9 am.. so.. i gotta wake up
ard 8. =( but.... if i wanna get them done then yes i would need to do that. and you know what...
it would be good as long as these can bring some little happiness in their Christmas, right?
most importantly, Happy Birthday to Jesus.

i'm not as sad now... but i m still very tired...

>>December 23, 2008 at 6:21:05 PM GMT+8

2008 年 12 月 21 日 星期日 【晴】

sometimes... tears can tell what it is.
ppl who dont see tears behind, they only recongize smile.
so, they only remember my strong and happy side.
who really sees my fears and sadness... it's myself in the mirror.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


i slept ard 5 sth am.. then woke up at 10 20. i m so sleepy today.
i got up... wrote a card for Sophia. then... back to the office... gave her the card, then chatted with
Shan for awhile.. then i left. i bought lunch then went home.

i rested.. and read.. then continoue with my questionnaire calculation. it's just the pain in the ass.
i'm so much behind now. omg. i hate it especially when i'm so sleepy and sad.

i feel terrible still. i cant keep the feelings in me, so i put it on my msn and facebook..
i m not seeking for much attention actually, coz.. i dont really like the ppl 'm not close with would ask me
questions like why sad, what happened.. the thing is.. i wont tell you what happened.

James wrote me an e-mail last night. i was a bit surprised. i replied before sleep. i got e-mail from Lisa
too... yea, i miss her too. Cyn seems enjoying her holiday in SG. good for her.

me? i dont know.
i wish i could just cry, then when i stop crying everything would be back to normal. but then i wonder
what normal is and how i can stay happy. i'm sad. i am sad. i mean... I AM SAD. it doesnt matter if ppl
hear me or not, coz even though they heard, they wouldnt understand.

take away my pain please. stop all the tourchering, stop all the crap.
it isnt my complain, it is just the fact that i am in pain. and i'm not hiding it.

brb.

i need some sleep... i cant anymore..

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Cas. please stop crying.

i'm so tired already... why are you such a baby... i took a nap... i was crying in bed..
i hate it coz i cant concentrate on my research.. i cant do math. i cant write or think.
i need to be ard with ppl to distract me but i want to be alone at the same time...

i feel like i'm living with 2 faces. while i'm bleeding inside, i'm still trying to pretend i'm okay, i'm fine..
i'm working on the stuffs.. well.. deep down i know i'm not fine. and i'm still tearing inside.
i was at the office today.. chatting with Sophia and Shan. i was smiling and talking. after Sophia's
gone, Shan asked if i am okay. coz i looked completely tired and different. i said... "okay." but.. how
okay was i? not really okay. i got a coffee at Starbucks. i ordered the mocha. i wanted some chocolate.
i was standing there adding cinnamon.. i was like... maybe too tired? i felt a bit... disassociated.
it's like wasnt there. i took a walk home. but i knew it wasnt... a pleasant time. while i'm alone.. not be
ard anyone i know, i'm a completely different person today. i find this so hard to pretend i'm fine when
i am not. but........ what am i supposed to do then? telling the whole world that i'm sad, and... see ppl
and hear ppl asking if i am okay or not.. i do appreciate that but it doesnt help much. well....... thanks
God.. i do talk with one or two friends... but..... what am i doing? aint i supposed to work day and night
for my research? why again? why this time to have pissed him off? why now for me to bang myself in head?

i'm so tired already... what am i doing here?

waiting? crying? is it what i should do? was it really my fault... was it? i dont know anymore.
when did it become my problem everytime?

James writes me again. i e-mailed back. i e-mailed a girl too. she wrote back. well... wanna ask her sth.
i dont know. i told Shan about James.. Shan didnt get e-mail from him.

and i didnt go to the school party tonight with my classmates.. but tomorrow i would need to go to the
other one at school, i was invited by Dr.Eicher. so.. yea.. need to dress up and put on make up. after
that, i would see auntie Priscilla. to pass her a card. i wanted to write her long but never got chances
or just not really in mood these days.. i'm sad. so.. tomorrow.. i gotta try to engage to the party and the
coffee time with Priscilla. Cas... try to cheer up.

it's more than just words. it's tears and rain...

>>December 22, 2008 at 8:03:10 PM GMT+8

2008 年 12 月 20 日 星期六 【晴】

hey...

tiring day... but still... okay i guess.

i slept late last night. i was waiting for him.

then.... this morning.. the alarm woke me up.. i was texting Shan in bed... like.. using one eye only...
and that eye was half closed.. then i told her i'm so sleepy still.. asking her if she would do the
christmas shopping with me after Ella's event. then she texted back quickly.. like if i was goign to the
baptisum... hummmmmmmmmmmm it was painful to text, i called her instead.. i asked what time it was
and stuff.. coz.. i was still sleeping. ha... then i got up and yea.. wrapped the gift.. rushing to go in 40
mins. i took a cap to there.. it was okay. after that we had lunch reception at the resturant... it was ok.
then... talked alot. James and Shan were beside me.. then.. yea... Shan and i left earlier, coz we need
to go to Sha Tin to do some christmas shopping. its ok.

i still feel sad.. but.... just gotta do what i should do. and.. i got Shan with me today.
so.. we went to Sha Tin.. did some shopping. i get everything finally. so... the coming days i would be
able to focus on my research and then... wrapping gifts and cards. omg. ha... i m thinking how much
i am gonna do tonight, i mean for my research. i need to fast things up. i cant let myself finishing at the
last min again. i want to make thigns as perfect as i can. coz this is the final one. i gotta make it nice
enough, then i wont regret. and you know....

i forgot to write Sophia's card. then i gotta rush back to the office tmr morning. and then... yea........
James gave me a card today. it's very nice of him. then yesterday i saw a men he looks just like Ken,
i mean Carole's husband. so i waved and said hi to him. i was in a rush so i didnt start any conversation
with him.. then i ran.. today Ken was here, and we talked.. then i said i have seen him yesterday. then
he said ok. he asked if i saw him with a bike coz he was cycling yesterday outside Tai Po. i said.. no..
i saw him in Sun Hing Garden. then he said it wasnt him. my face turned red coz everyone started
laughing so loud. then i was like so embarassed. i wondered what happened yesterday why that men
smiled at me? and he just looked exactly the same with Ken. i was really blushed i think. i felt very hot.
so i dont know.. they said maybe that man would show up again soon to check me out. i laughed.

anyway.... honey didnt reply me. maybe.... he needs some time.

i wonder if i am the kind of person honey would love or be proud of. i wanna be a good girlfriend and
a good wife coz... of the one i love, not coz of myself. so.. whatever standard i hold for myself, it wont
be nice enough, coz... it just might not be something honey would want. but then i would think if i am
being myself or losing myself. no one wants to lose himself. i have been figuring how to be a better
girlfrined or his amazing girl. and my friends always give me compliments, girls and guys.. but.....
even though i might be a super girlfriend in others eyes, i might still fail in his eyes. while i try to be or
learn to be the good girlfriend, it makes me a better person at the same time. but then...............
i dont know. this man is.... the one... i still think so... but.... i always let him down. and sometimes i do
feel confused or pissed by him. so..... what am i supposed to do? i have made up my mind already
that i really want to be with him for life long, it's the mutual commitment too. i do willing to be with him
to create our own future.

did i do it wrong at the first place? to be brave to accept someone i fall so deeply so fast? it think it was right.
i dont regret to be so crazy with him, and i still trust him that with him everything would be alright.
but i hate myself being so afraid sometimes.. it just... frustrates both us i guess.
i'm finally getting done with my study here, finally.... start to make more concrete plan to move to there
to stay there to be with him. finally have chances to get some changes for us. is it my problems to be
so conscious, or is it his problem to be so conscious? or we are just the same. we both love and want
each others, we both have concerns on certain things... Cas... if he wants to be the big man, let him be
the big man. if he wants the control, let him have it all the time. yes i do... coz... what is so important?
i thought he understands my heart, does he? i think sometimes it's like... i dont mean to argue with him,
but i dont know why it turns out this way. then we have to spend lots of time to hesistate. i'm sorry.
i think he should understand that i dont mean to pick a fight with him.

>>December 21, 2008 at 12:54:44 PM GMT+8