2009 年 10 月 12 日 星期一 【晴】

actually i am very tired.
tired of all the drama, all the wrong or right.
tired of the relationships, tired of the questions and problems.
sometimes, i wonder if i could just push a button, then i could put everything behind, and let myself to chill for awhile.
when i would come back again, everything would be fixed or refreshed.


i still have a lot to do for Dr.Li. i hate to do the file this time... it's the huge pain in the ass... i dont even want to start
working on it. omg.. and tomorrow i need to work at CityU since 9 30 am till 4 pm... then... 5 15 till 10 in Nam Tin.
every Wed becomes my fav day in a week. coz i would get to see lots of funny students. i used to love my baby
classes, but now i really do love my Wed classes. Tue classes are fine, but Wed is always funny and challenging.
but then tomorrow i need to work on that file at City... and i am sooooo much behind.. it's really killing me.

here's some conversation between me and Kim, my friend:

me: i care too much actually. basically, i have lost my baby classes, then have been picking up some grammar classes
in the evening, that's fine. and then i have another job in CityU, which sometimes could be the pain in the ass. and
now my new class on Sat is really the huge pain in the ass. but everything is gonna end this month, and i would start
something new again. just feel sad to say good bye at what i'm doing, especially i have builded up some good
relationship with ppl already. it's kind of ironic. i used to look forward for new changes and challenges, but everytime
i'm afraid and i feel so lonely no matter what i do.

Kim: 係咪有一種感覺，好似d情人岩岩先開始，岩岩先"發展"，就突然要被拆散，之後就算再見番，感覺已不同呢...
不過，別離都係一件傷心事，唔知妳果邊d學生和同學，有冇同妳有不捨的感覺呢???
妳lonely, 係雖然妳總係向自己話要向前望，但又怕新環境會不好??:(


i dont know how to reply him.. coz basically he's right, but technically wrong.



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

this is the part of today:

"sometimes if lying could work, why cant i live in a fake world, while everything would be blankly colourful, bluntly sharp,
and truly fake. i just cant shake it off, coz i care. and when i cared, i felt like shit. but when i dont care anymore, it feels
nothing. and this kind of "nothing" is cold and blunt. is it what ppl would like to accept? when everything goes to the end,
nothing left but only ... endless speechlessness and emptiness. if the end has come, why should we still pretend that is
still alive?

when it comes to the end, i just see the truths that i have been not want to admit or accept.
either i was living in lies, or it's just not meant to be real. "



>>October 13, 2009 at 6:43:20 PM GMT+8

2009 年 10 月 10 日 星期六 【晴】

i slept very late last night..

i got up around noon... then.. just got ready to go out with mom.
we visited grandpa today.. we went to the island side, we had dim sum with some relatives..
then i saw Sheila.. and yea, it was okay.. then just came home and bought dinner home.

last night, i was chatting with honey.. humm he said he's gonna help me on something.. i have been waiting for him
actually. humm will see if it would work. then we also discussed on some other things..

for me, hopes are not all right. and personally, i dont like giving false hopes. i dont like fake stuffs.. and i'm very
particular with that actually. so... i dont tell lies, and hate all kinds of lies.. more hopes up, then more hopes down,
more disappointment, coz they are fake. why should we experience more disappointment created by ourselves?
or... why do we create that for the others? i used to hate it so much, coz... it's like... got setting up.. why ppl
create the wonderful dream for me to fall in, then all of the sudden just killed it by telling me the truth?
if you dont mean what you say, why telling me? why should i spend my time on such BS talk? or the whole drama?

humm..
today, i have witnessed another funny thing.. i saw a video clip shared by my friend on Facebook..
it was some young model's interview in the university here in HK. it was so funny. that girl used to be labeled
as having her own style, very brave, very strong on her believe, blah blah.. but when she got questioned
by the prof in a real setting, in the academic place, with so many uni students.. her answers were like crap.
she even didnt understand what the prof said. i felt so sorry for her. she must feel very embarrassing..
i think she should have realized that's just not her thing, and she shouldnt have attended that kind of event
, or with her full confidence there. it's like... it's not some academic questions. it's just a more.... proper way with the
more proper language, then she could be sooooo confused and she looked frighten. i think she's not cool at all.
i dont see her guts, i just see how stupid she acted.

there's another thing......

i kindda feel bad as in.... sometimes, somehow i feel like..... i'm offering free lunch but no one wants it.
but you cant blame ppl for not wanting your free lunch, coz some ppl just dont like chinese food, or they
have a bad stomach, not ready for the chinese food yet. i dont know, it's just insulting, coz i dont think
my free lunch should be free at all.

why do i care actually? coz i care about the ppl, and maybe i shouldnt, or i should just stop dealing with these ppl.

>>October 11, 2009 at 6:59:58 PM GMT+8

2009 年 10 月 9 日 星期五 【晴】

hello..

last night, i was too tired to type.. actually i'm exhausted.
then today, i got up and worked in Shau Mau Ping.
it's crazy there. it's really crazy, and it's so stupid. i wish i dont have to go there anymore.
the classes were so boring.. really boring. and i hate the teacher there. it's completely fucked up.
i wonder how come the parents would send their kids there. it's like, what the fuck?

how could the students use only black and white copy when there are so many questions with the colour pictures?
and the quality of the copy is very crappy. cant even tell what the hell is on the picture. and the copy is half smaller
than the original one, so as to save paper. what kind of education is that? when i ask for some crayons, she really
just gave me a small packet of crayons. what? only 1 red crayon in a box, and you want 8 students share one?
i was like... whatever. i'm fed up with this company. how dare they keep saying they care about the students.
NO THEY DONT. they just care about how much they are getting from the students, and how much they can get from
the teachers as well. that teacher asked me to think of some games and made the class funnier for them. i was like,
okay, whatever. i could see no fun. there're no resources for the teachers. even the "book" are fucked up. i want some
crayons, so basic, and there are no crayons. what else can you ask from me?

then, last night... Henry and Ying were both talking with me..
i like chatting with Ying. she's cute. she's very simple and direct. she's so nice and sweet to me.. so.. it's always
nice to talk with her.. Henry is still weird. he said he loved me. i took it as a joke. i dont know, hes just weird.
i dont know if he meant it or just wanted to screw up, it's just weird.

i miss my honey.. but he's too busy. some ppl, when they are busy, they would still manage to do some sport,
they would make time to play, to go out, or to meet up with friends. but some ppl just dont. and the reason could be
very simple as that... coz you're not that into the person or that thing. then i start to think of what he has told me
he would do, and now if i can see any of these... hummmm... depends...

b.r.b...
i'm falling asleep already...

7 35 pm

>>October 10, 2009 at 11:35:04 AM GMT+8

2009 年 10 月 8 日 星期四 【晴】

i'm very tired.
it's been my 5th time since Sep visiting the clinic already.

i work today... at CityU... from 10 till almost 6.
i have done lots of work today.. then last night was working on those assessment reports..
sigh.

by the way...
i've been thinking a lot these days. i dont know... things have been messed up. i'm trying to figure out what i'm doing..

Henry mesged me again.. i asked him about how his girlfriend doing.. then he told me they broke up. i felt sorry for him.
then he said he's single now. he said he missed me. i told him not have to. then he said maybe. i told him it's really
strange all of the sudden he cared about me again, and this and that. he said when he had a girlfriend, he was
busy and blah blah always in a bad mood. now he's single, he just wanted to do what he should have done.
i said okay, but just not necessary to me. well, i understand. he didnt have to do all these stuffs since it's like a few
years ago already. he didnt have to apologize and do all the strange things to me. but for me, even though he's
broken up with her, it makes no sense to me now, it makes no difference now, coz it's over since so long time ago.
i'm not his dear, we are just so-called friends.

i'm chatting with my student a lot.. she's very sweet and nice.. i'd never really felt something for a girl, except
Ade. but then i didnt want anything with Ade, coz we were close friends. so, my student, she's just very sweet
to me, and of course i m happy to chat with her.. humm...

b.r.b...
need to have dinner first.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------







>>October 9, 2009 at 1:28:35 PM GMT+8

2009 年 10 月 5 日 星期一 【晴】

today, i was a bit moody.
maybe coz of last night.

i found something very weird happened on me.. which i couldnt explain as well.
maybe i'm just a bit confused.

anyway..
today, i got up late.. then had been resting.. didnt really want to do those assessment reports. then, have been
chatting with honey... i took medicine, then i felt so dizzy.. then i made some noodles.. but i only finished half.

then i got ready to work. i was planing to go to a seminar first, but then it was too rush, so i gave it up.
so i just went to Nam Tin. hummmm i'm a bit moody today, and then my throat is sore.. so.. yea..
i am very tired as well. the students were quite noisy.. and everyone was like half asleep already.
just so boring. i wonder how come they would come to the tutorial classes like that.

i didnt eat anything since that half portion of a cup-noodles. then... i kept eating those herb lozenges..
cant really talk with my voice. it's weird. but yea, i dont feel like to eat the whole day... till i got a bit stomachache..
then.. i came home resting having dinner... hummm very late... ard 11 30? i dont know.

tomorrow.. i will meet up with Shan for lunch, then went to City U for a seminar, then.. would go to work in Nam Tin..
well... tomorrow i'm gonna face her, a student of mine... i dont know what happened between us. i got all these
weird and sad feelings with her. i guess i shouldnt take her too serious, but.. she's my student, and the situation
is weird enough. i hope she's fine.

i wanna have a good sleep tonight.. and i wish honey was here with me..






>>October 6, 2009 at 5:11:36 PM GMT+8

2009 年 10 月 4 日 星期日 【晴】

i miss my honey.

sometimes the more you experienced, the more you could see what you are actually asking for or what you want.

i want someone honest with me about his everything. so that i wont need to do the guessing game.
no matter how ugly the truth is, i could always find a way to handle it, it's just simply coz i love him.
i want to accept all the things about him, including good and bad. coz i cant find another man i would be as crazy for.

i hate the feelings of waiting, i hate it so much when i get angry at us, then i would be depressed all day long,
or even for weeks or months. coz i care about him so much. and i hate to admit that.

when i'm hurt or need help, i always turn to him... no matter how tired he is, he would listen to me and try to help me.
he might not be able to help me sometimes, or he would be angry about me getting into some unfair situation..
but i can see why he's unhappy, coz he cares about me, a lot.

he does has his flaws, but i guess my patient could try to cover them all.

i hate to admit that... i do love him so much, coz that makes me feel a bit un-wanted. but then i cant deny on how long
i have been waiting for him, and how much i want him.

yea.. i might have different expectations in a relationship sometimes... then i would wonder what if this or what if that.
but then... one thing for sure... that is my love and the loyalty to our relationship. i dont want it to be broken.
i cherish it, i do.

>>October 5, 2009 at 6:10:05 PM GMT+8

2009 年 10 月 3 日 星期六 【晴】

is cheating only about lying or being dishonest?


He's just not that into you:
----

"let's call cheating what it is: a complete betrayal of trust. cheaters are ppl who have a lot of stuffs to work out,
and they're working it out on your time and with your heart. some cheaters might give yo an excuse, some
might not have one at all, some might even blame you. NO ONE can tell you exactly what to do when faced with
this very complicated and painful situation. BUT, the buttom line is, IS THIS WHAT YOU HAD HOPED FOR IN A
RELATIONSHIP?"

a cheater only cheats himself, coz he doesnt get to be with you.

------------------------

about marriage:

"if you have different views about marriage, what else are you not on the same page about? time to take inventory."

"if you dont feel like rushing, why are you waiting?"

"there's a guy out there who wants to marry you."

do you care who you want to marry, or you just want to get married? it's easy to feel stupid to want to get married,
particularly if the person doesnt want to marry you. the question is... if he's just finding all the lame excuses he could
use to cover the fact that you're just not the woman he is looking for or doesnt see a future with you?

dont spend ur time on and give ur heart to any guy who makes you wonder about anything related his feelings for you.
you shouldnt have any doubts on that, coz he should show you his love with action.

"he doesnt have to love your CD collections. he doesnt have to love your shoes. but any good, mature guy better
make an attempt to love your family and friends-- especially when they're great."

coz that's the respect and the passion to get to see who you really are. if he doesnt, probably he just doesnt
respect you as in that's what would make you happy, or humm he doesnt care, same with he's just not that in to you.

"Listen, we all know that couple who's ben dating for 5 years, 8 years and still hasnt gotten married. we know it
never works out well for that couple. so how about you stop waiting-- and start looking for that guy who cant
wait to love you."

------------------------

these few days, i have been very tired..

i try to rest more.. i spent time with my family, i took time to pamper myself, i went to the clinic again, i slept more..
it's just good.

on last Friday... Oct 2..
i went to the City U in the morning, for a seminar. humm it was a bit boring as in... the research wasnt done great..
then yea, no much ppl there, but i'm definitely the youngest one there, and i was the only 1 of two girls as well..
then... all of the ppl there are either professors or studying for their doctoral degree. so i'm really the youngest there.
after that, i met up with aunt Priscilla for lunch... i bought her lunch, and she paid for my ticket for me first..
then i walked around Mong Kok.. i saw those colour contact lenses are really cheap.. and it's so popular everywhere.
i want to get 1 or 2 pairs. then i came home resting.. i was pretty tired..

Oct 3, Sat..
i got around 10 hrs sleep.. then.. i got up and went to the clinic.. i'm still coughing.. then the doctor asked me not to
do any exercise first. i was planing to go jogging, but he said i shouldnt. then yea.. i walked around in Tai Po and
waited for my parents to come having lunch with me.. then we went to aunt's home for bbq. this year, we dont do
it home but at aunt's place. some relatives were there, and grandparents too. it was okay, kind of fun as in.. just
get together with my relatives. i do love family life.. it's so funny, coz i always dont like my dad's family..
but that night, i did have fun with them. grandma was so funny. she sang Japanese songs and told me lots of
stories when she was young. then i used to hate my uncle, but he was so nice and funny last night. it's just...
another side of them i guess.. well.. Moon Festival.. it's supposed to be a family thing. and so, i dont want to miss
it with my family.

today, Oct 4 ..
haha, i didnt get up to work this morning. no one called me, so i guess it's fine.
well, Ivy told me that she would quit. hummmmmmmm i dont know. but if she needs any help, i would help her.
it feels good about not having Sunday classes.. but i do miss the kids.. i love to be with them but just the pain in the
ass to work on Sundays and also with Rosh. it's just a whole lots easier if i dont have to work with her.

i chat with honey today...
he told me something about his friend. hummmm... i dont know. i kind of agree with honey.. and then...
if she doesnt feel loved, or she knows she's not valued, then she should go. but who knows if the guy got his
reasons too. and i think, if things are not working well, they should pull it out and talk about it. at least, the relationship
deserves a chance to be saved, especially if they do love each others. but then the reality is.. how many ppl
really know what their partner want.. they assume this is what they need or want, have you ever really tried
to ask about it, or really get to know that person and to find out what would make them happy? even if you know,
and if you dont do it, then what's the point? of course you should say your love, but love would be shown better if
you do it and take action for it.

honesty is very important.. but... if the truth constantly hurts, then what the hell is that?
when one day you dont find it as hurt anymore, it's just unclear that wether you have already get used to it,
or you just dont want to care anymore. either way, doesnt sound good to me.. so, lie wouldnt work, honesty
doesnt work too. so how about just being sincere at what you are doing?

maybe all the girls are just like that... never feel secure actually? i dont know.. i used to think i dont need anyone
to make me happy, coz i could make myself happy. but what if the one you are with doesnt do anything to make
you happy, then how do you feel? bored and lonely.

>>October 4, 2009 at 7:33:03 PM GMT+8

2009 年 9 月 30 日 星期三 【晴】

Happy Birthday to CHINA


i'm soooo tired..

i got ard 10 hrs sleep last night. still not enough.
then, i came on line, checking stuffs.. then chatting with honey for awhile..
we drove out for lunch, then went to Po Toi O again. hummmm meeting up with grandparents and aunt's family.
it was okay.. we took some pictures.. then came home tonight. i'm very tired.. and i started coughing again.


on Tue... i went to CityU from 10 till 4 30... hummm finally finished 210 questionnaires, and i know there would be
another 80 or 90 coming. i was very... tired. but yea, i got my coffee with me that morning. couldnt stand that
working in front of the computer without a coffee. it was really harsh. humm it was okay, stayed hyper the
whole day till night, really tired but couldnt sleep well.

then, i rushed to Nam Tin.. got 3 classes from 5 15 till 10 pm. so.. 12 hrs work. crazy... but the students were fine..
i started to wonder a few students of mine might actually have something for me... coz you could feel it..
the way they look at you, and the attention they give and ask from me is just... a bit abnormal. especially some
other students would say something too, that creates some sorts of tension somehow. but then as a teacher,
i could sort of understand that maybe just like... admiring... you know.. but.. yea.. i would be more careful.
coz this is not what i want at a work place, especially they are just teenagers. now, it gives me some sort of
alert. it reminds me the class of issues and ethics in helping professions. i hope i could handle it in a professional
manner. but it's not that serious yet. at least, i havent got any letter or goodies from anyone yet. i like the classes
with them.. and like what i said.. i did try to match with each students' ability and try to help them to learn..
i dont think i'm teaching them much, but helping them to learn, perhaps learn by themselves.

then on Wed...
i got a morning class at the playland.. we made paper fish lantern. hahaha.. so creative.. it was fun.
on Mon night, ard 12.. Rosh called me.. i was in a shower, so i didnt pick up. she sms me.. she asked if i were
awake she knew it's late. i didnt reply her.. i know i probably should.. but... whatever. i'm done with her personally.
and there's nothing much i would need to deal with her about work, coz i have already told Ada what to do.
the thing is... if it's urgent about work, why not contacting me earlier but at 12? and if it's really that urgent,
why not just leave the question or a sentence on the sms, but only asking if i'm awake.. i'm sorry, i really dont
see why i should return her a call or a mesg at 12 in the morning. maybe i'm being harsh on her, but... sorry..
i hate ppl screwing on me. and she did more than once, and never apologized. i dont hate her, but i just try to
avoid to have any deal with her, coz... it just makes me so upset everytime, and i dont deserve it.

so yea.. the Wed class was okay.. i let Ada to lead the class in stead. she needs more practice, and also i could
do some evaluation on her as well. she's okay, even though i do think she talks to much, complains too much.
she said i'm so young, she's the oldest there. for me, i dont care. just do you job. she said i should go learn
something more instead of just working here. i said yes, i know, i plan to go back to school. then she keeps
talking again. haha.. it's kindda like talking with a mom, really. but then, i dont know, she is older, yes, but her
behaviors cant show much about her age. she said i look like a child sometimes when i'm playing with the kids.
i said yes. and actually that makes her look older when she said that to me. but other than that, hummmmm...
she's like kind of inexperience at work. but for me, i would expect more as in.. if someone is already 30, this
person must be much smarter and intelligent, or much better than me at work.. but i dont quite see that in her.

i chatted with her for a bit, then she kept talking to me about this company, trying to gain information and
gossip from me, i avoided them all. well, seriously, i m not staying long, and i dont want any troubles.
then also, i think as her age, she should have realized what the contact said about her position and salary
and everything. how could she sign it without studying it? there are so many obvious things as work that's
like common sense, but she asked me why, or disagree with me on certain things, then i wonder how long
she has came to this company, and why would she challenge me on those little things that she has no ideas
about. anyway.. yea.. then i left... and went back to the bakery to see if i could find my bottle back.
i left my bottle there the day before. it was so stupid. i bought it from UBC with Ade, and i love my bottle so much.
=( but i couldnt find it.. sigh...

i got home.. then... rested a bit.. and i fell asleep.. i took a nap then got ready to work. i went to Nam Tin again.
i bought my students some chocolate cakes. i promised them i would bring them some goodies since they
did very good last time. and i'm quite sure none of the teachers have done this before, or actually gave them
encouragement or care besides all the scolding.

i had 4 hrs there again, hummmm i was really tired.. then at the last class.. one of the students surprised me.
as i said... i kindda find things weird going on with some of my students. coz this girl... i dont know, it just
doesnt feel right about the way she looks at me. there are some students really like me in the same class,
but the way they talk and do to me are different from this girl. and i started to wonder if she has a crush on me.
coz the thing is.. she 's the leader in that class, she has huge influences on everyone in class. she could be
a bully unless you're her friend. anyway... i dont know.. maybe she just wants to make friends with me..
she's really nice and sweet to me. maybe i'm just too sensitive.. but will see..

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
my friend forward me this article...

"Why would you love me?"

有一天，女孩問男孩：為什麼你會喜歡我？為什麼你會愛我？
one day, a girl asked a guy that why you would like me, why you loved me?

男孩：我說不出理由，但是我是真的喜歡妳、愛妳！
the guy said, i couldnt find a reason, but i did like you and love you.

女孩：妳連喜歡我的理由都說不出來，你怎麼喜歡我？怎麼愛我？
the girl said, "you couldnt even tell me the reason, how could you possibly love me?, how?"

男孩：我說不出理由，但是我能證明。
the guy said, "i couldnt tell you why, but i could prove that."

女孩：證明？不管，你一定要給我你愛我的理由，我朋友的男朋友都能說出愛他的理由，為什麼你不可以？
the girl said, "proof? you got to give me a reason, all my friends' boyfriend could speak the reason out, why couldnt you?"

男孩：因為你很漂亮，因為你的聲音甜美，因為你細心，因為你體貼，因為你善解人意，因為你的笑容，
因為你的一舉一動……
the guy said, "well... coz you're pretty, coz you have a sweet voice, your kind heart, you're considerate and
understanding, coz of your smile, coz of your every movements..."

幾天後，女孩不幸的在一場車禍中成為植物人。男孩將一封沾滿淚水的信放
在女孩病床旁櫃子上，信的內容：
after a few days, the girl was in coma after a car accident.. the guy out a letter on a side desk next to her bed,
and it was wet with his tears. it said,

因為你很漂亮，所以我愛妳。現在的妳漂亮嗎？不，所以我不愛妳。
因為你的聲音甜美，所以我愛妳。現在的你能開口嗎？不，所以我不愛妳。
因為你細心，因為你體貼，因為你善解人意，所以我愛妳。 現在的你能表現的出來嗎？不，所以我不愛妳。
因為你的笑容，因為你的一舉一動，所以我愛妳。 現在的妳能笑嗎？現在的妳能動嗎？不，所以我不愛妳。
如果我愛你需要理由，現在的妳，沒有讓我愛妳的理由，所以我不愛妳。
我愛你需要理由嗎？不，所以，我依然愛妳。

coz you're beautiful, so i love you. are you pretty now? no, so i dont love you.
coz you have a sweet voice, so i love you. but can you speak now? no, so i dont love you..
coz you're considerate and understanding, everything is good, so i love you. but can you do anything for me now?
no, so i dont love you..
coz of your smile, and everything you do, so i love you. but can you smile now? or any act? no, so i dont love you.
if i need a reason to love you, the you right now doesnt give me any reason to love you, so i dont love you..
do i need a reason for loving you? no. so, i still love you.

有人問：『你為什麼愛一個人？』我只能夠說出為什麼不愛一個人，卻說不出為什麼愛一個人。愛一個人，
是一種感覺；不愛一個人，卻是事實。
someone asked, "why do you love him?" i could only say why i dont love him, but i cant tell why i love him.
loving someone is a kind of feeling, but when you're not in love, then this feeling becomes more true and surreal.

事實容易解釋，感覺卻難以言喻。
you can explain any facts, but feelings is hard to tell.

愛情是忽然有一個人，我們覺得一見如故，很想靠近他，我們的內分泌起了翻天覆地的變化，很想擁抱對方。
以後，無論快樂或哀愁，我們也想不起當初為什麼愛他/她。只有當我不愛一個人時，才會找出不愛她的原因，
因為我開始挑剔。
love is like... there's a person, all of the sudden makes us feels so warm and close, really wanna get closer with,
we have all the weird chemistry going on in our body, really wants to touch and hug that person.
then, no matter when we are happy or sad, we couldnt remember why and how we fell in love. there's only one
circumstance we could find a reason about love, and that's about the time when we are falling out of love.
coz, i started to be picky about him/ her.

任何一個人，只要你去挑剔，一定找得出缺點。越去挑剔，越多缺點，我們便可以說出為什麼不愛對方。
whoever it is, since you started to be picky, you must be able to find some shortness or tiny little flaws of that
person. the more you try to find, the more you would see. then now, we could say why you dont love him anymore.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i wanna write more about the book i'm reading now..
"he's not that into you"

hummm i found lots of great points there..
but i'm really tired these days.. especially Tue and Wed that i need to work till 10 pm..
when i got home it's already 11 30..

sometimes i do wonder if i'm a truly a honey sweetie belonging to someone..

you know... trust is so important in any relationship with anyone.
sometimes i do wonder how many things that i have done while i promised ppl. you know, i hate ppl making excuses
on what they just simply dont want to do while they say they will do. i m sure there must be lots of reasons,
and they are claimed to be true, but... i wonder how pure these truth is.. half half? or really true. coz if it's really
true, how come i cant see it? at least show me a little bit more? am i just being picky about it, or it's just the fact that
there's really none i could see to support what i want to believe in? it's not just about one person, it's with everyone..
somehow, i gotta clear up the myths and those clouds covering my eyes.

i'm gonna see it very soon. if ppl really appreciate me and love me, they would never treat me badly or did something
to hurt me. instead, i think i deserve real kindness and honesty from ppl. if you dont think i deserve that, fine. let me
go, coz i could get better than that. this is also what i wanna say to those who have ever screwed on me. i didnt
lose anything, but they did lose me.

>>October 1, 2009 at 6:13:35 PM GMT+8

2009 年 9 月 27 日 星期日 【晴】

hello..

last week, i had no day off.. and today i'm still working.. my 3 days off would be coming on
Thurs to Sat. so, still i would need to take that Sun class. fuck that. hate it so much now.
i feel so bad for my students, coz the thing is... i love my students, but it's almost impossible
for me to work with Rosh for any longer.

sometimes i feel like, maybe that's my problem too.. as in.... the new girl, Ada.. i dont know if
i am just annoyed by her, or actually i'm a very difficult person to work with. it shouldnt be..
coz i had very good teamwork experience before. i was a good team player, and a good
team leader too. what's wrong with me? i dont think i should quextion myself on that.. but..
i dont know. maybe it's better for me to leave the morning session and only do the evening
one till i would leave in Oct. the other teachers told me that those students in Nam Tin, they
wanted me, they told them they liked me. i was very happy to hear that.

this week, i was supposed to have 1 week off at the playland. they changed the plan and
let me know by the last min. i couldnt fit in the schedule they have made now. i'm sure the
Tue and Thurs classes would be a mess. last Sun.. how dare Rosh just called at 9 50 telling
me that she would be late. i was like, what? class starts at 10. she asked me if that's okay,
she would be here soon. i told her that see you. she asked again, i said see you later.
there's nothing i would like to speak with her about. you know, the phone has been ringing
since 8 35 since i got there, and those calls were for the tutorial side. i had no ideas what those
parents want. and i had loads of work to do, since she's that late, and no one was helping me.
i wanted to ignore the call but cant, coz they could be my students calling too. what the fuck?
what makes her think that she could be that late, and still ok?

i was reminding Ada about what to do tomorrow, and she has to watch out a few points,
especially coz i noticed there were some problems when Rosh was working with us last
time. she was like.. oh Castor why dont you talk with her or the queen. i think it's better
if you could get along with each others. i was like.. what? i told her the second time today
that i did, i did talk with her and everyone knows it too, the queen knows it. everyone knows
what's going on, but weeks after weeks, i'm just fed up with her. and it' not about getting
along with her or not. it's nothing personal, just about work. she told me Rosh was telling her
what to do, and how different Rosh and me ' working style is.. then i told her, yes you could
discuss on stuffs like that, but has to be before class or after class. in class, you gotta know
what your first priority is. it's your students and your responsiblities. and the thing is... why
im telling her these, not coz i want to make any complain to her about Rosh. i was freaking
reminding her what she would need to be careful of. it's nothing about talking with Rosh or
not. i'm talking to her, what she needs to do about.

i was kind of annoyed actually coz... as an adult, 30 sth y.o., also a mom... how possible
that she doesnt know these stuffs? and she kept complaining to me that miss Ip talking to her
in Chinese. i told her like... well, since this is a chinese company, maybe you can talk it as
some chinese language training as well? coz some teachers they said they dont know any
chinese but actually they do. then she said she understand a little bit but not all. i was like oh
come on.. would she stop complaining? i told her yes, but this is a chinese company. you
work in HK, and this is just a local company, you cant expect that everyone would speak
English to you. instead, you have to learn about their culture and language, right? just like
when you work overseas, you gotta learn their language too, right?

i think i should be specific to her that, we're here working, not for making friends. i dont mind
to make friends with my co-workers.. she mentioned something... teamwork. she thinks i
m not doing well teamwork with Rosh. i wonder she has a brain with her at work. how could
you work with someone in good teamwork while that person kept being late and never got
done with her responsiblities? you think i'm not doing good enough? why dont you try first
and see how pissed off you could probably get? honestly, i was just being careful. i told her,
i'm just being serious at work. i wanna tell her like, i've been doing everything i can. she asked
me if she's late then she would need to do everything by herself. i told her probably yes. and
she gave me a weird look. then i wondered why she still asked those idiot questions. i didnt tell
her these directly. i was just so tired already. i just told her you would see. you will.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

on Sat.. i had the lesson with the older kids.. they were so funny. it was good. the parents
really like the way i did with them. i think its much better too. coz now they can see more clearly
that the class is not just for fun fun fun. they should actually pick up something new. i was
surprised by all of them there, coz they could actually do very good phonics. see? we'd
never know, coz we never try to find out, and only think they might not be able to do this, or
oh this is too much work to do.. like these days, whenever i lead the class, i do focus on
each kids.. i give them different challenges base on their own abilities on different ways.
and their parents can see. some kids can do better vocabularies, i push them and train them
to speak full sentence. i ask them more questions, and open up more conversations with them.
and they can do it, and they dont get bored. for those slower ones, i notice they could improve
too if i change my way a little bit. so.. i dont know.. but the other ppl, they dont seem to understand
what i'm doing. i'm getting a bit frustrated, but i'm just doing what it's right for them. they are
always my first priority when it comes to work. i would rather having a not so good relationship
with my co-workers, or spending longer time to explain to them.. the kids are just my first
priority. i even asked for more budget and materials for the prep i did.. and they are okay.
so i just dont see the points why they are not getting what i'm doing.

Sunday class was getting better when i went back this Sun.. miss Up told me it's lucky that
i was there last Sunday. everything is much much better and organized. i just smiled back.
well, then i dont understand why the queen gave Rosh higher salary than me.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

on Sat... i went home, resting for awhile... chatting with honey.... i missed him....
i dont know.. i just miss him... then head out for lunch with my family.. we had dim sum...
at the new resturant.. there got good dim sum, and special cups and bowls. kindda cute..
then i went to that shop to get some new underwear... nice and cute.. some are sexy..
and then Sunday, i mean yesterday... i stayed home after class... i was very tired..
but then... i was on line with honey... we talked... then.. i went down stairs for awhile.. then
came back and got ready for a walk.. i went back to that shop again, and exchange one
panties, then got a few more. excellent price with that kind of quality and design. pretty good.
so, i got a lot of new panties now. omg.

then i walked home... and Miki and i went jogging.. after that, i was like half dead.. so exhauted..
i wanted to sleep but i couldnt. then.. i just felt sick.. i talked with honey for a bit.. then i went to
bed. i felt very unwell.

i got up late this morning.. worked.. came home.. had salad and an egg tart..
i rested for awhile then i just took a nap.. i couldnt stand that.. i was in bed from 2 sth pm
till almost 9 pm.. crazy.. but i still feel quite sick.

i dont know... i think i need to get myself ready to go back to Van. it's like... i sort of understand
there would be lots of changes in Oct.. then.. i'm gonna stay in Van for quite awhile.. and i d
never been there for winter.. so its kind of exciting and also getting a bit nervous about
everything.. including the business, this and that, would i be bored.. what to do if i'm bored..
would i like the job i would be doing, coz it'll be quite different from what i'm doing now.

then, i'm thinking what about honey... if he's ready to see me.. you know.. this time i'm staying
longer than i usually do.. not just 6 weeks. so.. i dont know if he'll actually like to live with me.
i love him and i miss him.. and so there's like... some sorts of tension for me right here before
i'm going over.. maybe i'm just creating it for my own.. i dont know.. i think i would need to..
adjust myself a bit.. this is kind of weird.. but.. i do care about him and..
i think.... i always put him before myself for everything.. and these days, i figure that i should
mind myself more, i mean in general with everyone, not specific about when i'm with him..
i dont want to be like... selfish or very self-centre, or sneaky.. i just want to be... me, i used
to be very sincere to everyone, and i still want to be like that, you know..
and so.. i wanna take the balance.. and i dont want to be like... so un-prepared..
i dont want the situation like, when i would be there, i dont know what i would have done wrong,
or i just have the fears like... what to do, what to do.. maybe i just need some time..
i'm not a little girl anymore, right. i should be able to handel that. i just want to love him, and be loved.
it's just that simple. and it shouldnt get more complicated than that... coz... it's just so real that,
i do love him, from my heart.

>>September 28, 2009 at 4:51:52 PM GMT+8

2009 年 9 月 24 日 星期四 【晴】

omg... i'm so tired..
and i have headache..

i lept late last night... i was discussing something with honey...
then yea, i got up late.

i didnt have time for breakfast this morning.. afte wash-up and dressing up, i just checked mails,
then checking schedule, then just needed to quickly did some work... yea..
then, i rushed to go... i was almost late but it was okay, walked really fast and the tain was fast..

Dr. Li said, my resignation would be no problems. thanks..
then had a short briefing with her, then i went back to that huge multi-funtion room, also the lab..
i continued with those data analysis.. then... i didnt really take my lunch break.. i took a few
short coffee breaks instead.. really needed a coffee.. and it's so nice to have a wake up coffee.
their coffee was really nice too. it's okay these days working at the playland without any coffee,
coz i m not sitting or dont need to hummm focus on some analysis work.. but then at CityU,
i just need a strong coffee. i must have one no matter how sick i am.

it's such the pain in the ass, coz i need to sit infront of the computer all the time, looking at those
numbers, and thinking about the questions, and then my fingers are typing as well.. then have to
also screening problems and this and that.. i m slow still.. i mean i might be okay actually, but it
feels like it takes forever to do all the data, you know.. i m much faster than last time but so what,
i still have more than 50% un-done. i wonder what i have done in my own research last time..
my sample was not as big.. i got 200, she got 300 this time. with my 200 participants, i had around
40 questions? with hers, hummm.... probably almost the same.. but then last time was much
easier for myself to do all the calculation and stuffs, although it was so painful as well.. i dont know
why this time it feels like... it just takes forever to do so...

i was also talking with honey sometimes about some work stuffs.. then hummm...
then i had to go meeting up with Dr.Li again... after that, i just left.. then i went back to Tai Po..
i bought myself an egg tart, then i just walked back to the playland, the office... then checking the
stuffs for tomorrow, and also talking with miss Ip, wondering what's going on with the next
week schedule. they changed again.. they, all of them agreed and confirmed me yesterday that
there would be no playland classes next week. what the hell this afternoon called me and informed
me that classes would be continued normal. i was like what? i have already arranged my own
schedule, i wouldnt be able to show up sometimes then. and you know what, you know what's
going on with the Tue and Thur classes. the parents and students dont like Rosh, and without me,
you know what would happen, coz the worst situation has just happened on last Sunday already.
Tues and Thurs classes ppl are even more serious than those in Sunday class. so... i dont know..
i saw Ada.. we talked for a short while.. she's fine.. hummm she seems okay after the talk
yesterday after class.

then i stayed for a while, talking with miss Ip and miss Heung.. i told them about some changes
for tomorrow class. i couldnt use Ivy's materials and her prep. coz i found it not very good for
the class as in it's actually hard for me to use. i think there are much much much better materials
i could prepare on my own, and that would make everything much easier and interesting
as well. so... i came home.. then did another 3 hrs prep for tomorrow just now..

sometimes i wonder why i work so hard for the place doesnt deserve me.. then after awhile,
i figured out what i'm doing, isnt for the company, it's for my students. i cant just do what i am
asked to do, coz my standard is much higher than that, and i just cant stand myself lowing
down my standard like that.. i mean..... you know it's wrong, or you know it's not enough for
them, and they do deserve better stuffs and it affects them alot in fiuture, how can i cheat on
them like... putting shit in the class, doing lazy prep, slacking ard in the class, doesnt care
about the cleaningness... you dont need to act like a moralist, you just need to think, what if
they are your child? would you think what you're providing as a teacher would be good enough
for your kids? is this place good enough? are the ppl good enough? no, never. that's why i
am so concerned about what i'm doing at work. coz it's not just about numbers coming in my
bank account, it's not just bisness-bisness. this business is about education, not just about
money. it's about ppl, life, and your society. how can you just have such a low standard?
i got paid like crap, and yes i'm quitting.

tomorrow, at City. while i was on break... i was sitting and so bored.. i took some pics..
and i thought about... yea... that's the different angles of me. i might not have a photographer
to take beautiful professional shots for me.. ppl might not be able to see many different sides
of me.. i can, but only through the mirror. but while i was taking pic of myself, i just captured
a lot of different sides of myself that i wont even know through the mirror. coz you wont
bring a mirror and seeing yourself through it all the time, like at work, at home, at school,
wherever. but with a phone or camera, i could even keep that shot forever. just... different
angle of myself, in my life.

i do continue on my book.. He's just not that into you.
hummm i guess many ppl might find this book too general or too subjective.
i wouldnt disagree with that. and i would say... who wouldnt want to be loved?
who wouldnt hate to be taken for granted... the writer might not be right all the time, but he
does have his reasons and good points. and the reasons why he said those things, are
not coz he tries to make problems even more dramatic.. i kindda find it more like...
he's asking the girls not to be too dramatic but to admit that fact that.. we should face the
truth and be rational, sometimes we just need to give up the fairy tales. he doesnt teach
ppl how to control guys, how to take turns or be a bitch, never.. but he just pointed out
what guys are actually thinking when they do and say something in different situations,
and then eventually just lead to the point... they are just not that into us.
i am reading te part about marriage now.. and i do have a lot of .... thoughts.

i talk too much today already.. and my headache is getting worse. i guess it's coz of the
coffee.. i hope everything would be fine soon... i hope i would have a nice rest tonight..
i'm so tired..

i have asked about the ticket already, i would need to pay for that by next week..
should be leaving on Oct 31.

tomorrow i need to work... then........
actually i need to do some shopping, i need some new panties and underwear.

>>September 25, 2009 at 3:10:06 PM GMT+8