2009 年 8 月 10 日 星期一 【晴】

hey..

i got 2 lessons this morning.. very tired... the new girl Queenie was quite okay i guess..
cant be sure yet, so far at least she didnt do any stupid thing or lied like Rosh did.
Ivy wont be working till next week.. so........ hummm... i m gonna take over the classes,
as in.. i would need to take in charge.. so i gotta be prepared for that.

i havent started working for Dr. Li yet... when i thought of those 200 articles, it just makes me
so lazy. but yea... i would need to start it pretty soon. just gotta get my works and schedule
organized. i got another meeting tonight.. for the coming Saturday.. i will hold a workshop
at Katrina's church... where it would be my old primary school actually. the workshop is going
to be an English fun day. so... basically, i would do some english classes, games, some
vocab awareness of the new school setting for them, the kindergarthen students going to the
primary school in Sep. then also some sentence making, some cookery thing for lunch.. so...
bunch on stuffs to do that day.. but Katrina and her team would do most of the prep.. then
i would still need to write the full lesson plan with some guidlnes, also giving them the lyrics
and the song demos we are going to use...

then.... this afternoon when i was home resting... i talked with honey...
hummm... hee. i would hope that he could come visit.. i cant force him to like the place i grow up,
or i cant even make him to come visit us. just a very important part, as in... i have a lot of stories
happened here, with me. if he doesnt come, he would just miss a huge part of my life. i always
wonder he might not like here, and that might be one of the biggest reasons.. but then i always
know that how different the real HK is compared with the "HK area" in Van. i wish he could see
it and feel it on his own oneday when he's ready to come. he might not find any difference, but
at least he would have a chance to see. humm i wouldnt blame him for not coming yet, but i am
still waiting, and i know one day he would come visit=) i just know he would, and we can make
it. humm.. there are some other reasons, and i totally understand.. well, i just hope that he wont
let me wait for too long. i'm still confident with him. but... we do need to figure out what to do
next, about the plans and other things as well... i'm worried, but since talking with him today,
i feel better now.. i'm glad that he told me what he thinks and how he feels. and so that i could
be more understanding on all these, then try to see things from his perspective... that's very
important.. coz he is really really important to me... i would never want to make him feel bad or
stressed or uncomfortable with me.. then of course... this is a mutual thing, and i trust him anyway.
hope everything would be fine.. i do love him, i do..

Jackie, my another best friend is still in Taiwan... i'm so worried for her. i think i'm gonna call
her mom in HK tomorrow morning... i hope she's fine..

thanks for honey.. i do appreciate what he has told me today..

>>August 11, 2009 at 5:14:52 PM GMT+8

2009 年 8 月 9 日 星期日 【晴】

i'm very unhappy today..

it was pretty bad... i went to work as normal.. then when i saw Ivy at work today, she told me that Rosh called her
last night. then i just got the feeling that it's not gonna be anything good. she told Ivy that J asked her to call Ivy
replying some messages. then Rosh also told Ivy that she left earlier on Sunday, and the reasons blah blah, but
she told Ivy another version, which was the true version. BUT, that day, Rosh was FUCKING lying to me, told me
the fake version. which means now, if i had not report to Ivy immediately on Sunday after class, and if the queen ever
asked Ivy if she knew about Rosh leaving early. Then Ivy was gonna tell the queen about yea, Rosh left earlier and
she had left a message to the queen only. but What the Hell Rosh told me that day was that the queen had told her
over the phone to try to stay for a little while, but since she was in a hurry, she could go first. now, i feel like
trapped. i dont really want to work with Rosh anymore. i feel like she's not gonna let me go. when i heard what Ivy
said today, i was like soooo pissed, i was so honest and even asked her straight away if Rosh is gonna let me go???

after class, we were talking on the lesson plans in Sep and also some art work prep.. then i asked her if she could
take over the Sunday class. i felt really bad working with her. it's like... i could work with her as a team, but only
like working, nothing else. that's meeting my maximum, the bottom line already. but now, i feel like.... she doesnt
want to let it go. she made the mistakes, she didnt learn from it. she made mistake again on Sun, and she lied that
day. and now, she still hasnt got her lesson yet, still trying to create another problem today. WTF???! is her nuts??
i have no time and no energy to play with her, she's such an naive and stupid bitch. now i'm sure she's 100% evil.
she made mistakes, she is supposed to learn from it. even if she didnt apologize to anyone, that's fine. just get over
it, and improve herself. but fuck that no. she made excuses and lies just so as to get rid of her own problems. then
now she's pushes her fault to the others with her endless lies. what about the others then? how could she not
to think of the others? it's so selfish and i dont know. i hate this so much!

i got home... had cup noodles, then.... i just rest... i fell asleep.. i took a long nap.. like 4 hrs sth...
i feel so tired... so dead.... it's like.... why the hell i have to deal with this... i'm so lucky that Ivy is on my side...
otherwise, it would be like.... no way i could work properly with any classes. coz it sucks, it really does.

it affects me so much seriously... especially... i still need to do sooooooo much work for Dr. Li.
i'm so much behind already. sigh......

i'm also thinking about going to Van.. what i'm gonna do except helping him... and how i'm gonna help him...
what about in Japan.. stuffs like that. i'm not like... doubting on him but i need to figure out what i'm gonna do..

i just want to be happy. want to live my life happily.. wanna do something good for the others, wanna have my
own family... taking care of my husband and kids.. live with them, love them and be loved..

>>August 10, 2009 at 12:48:52 PM GMT+8

2009 年 8 月 8 日 星期六 【晴】

i got up early today. i was so stupid..
i got up an hr earlier... i forgot the class was supposed to be at 10 instead of 9. sigh.

i was late actually, i thought i was 15 mins later than usual when i got up... but i didnt do much make up, so there
saved me lots of time. i became a bit more casual these days. but it's actually easier for me to work with kids.
anyway i'm not wearing jeans. i'm still colorful, presentable, cute and pretty. hahaha.... just kidding.

yea.. coz i was an hr earlier, so i just did the prep then went out and came back... hummmmm it was okay..
all i worried about was Rosh. she's nuts. she was late, which didnt surprise me. then she didnt know what the
topic was, which didnt surprise me as well. but what she did surprise me was that she asked me if the queen
said something about her to me. i said no. i dont know. then i wondered if i heard something wrong.. i asked
if she meant if i told the queen about last Sunday. i told her, "yes. i told her the situation we had last week,
and that's what i was supposed to do." i didnt say anything much.. then yea just continued with my jobs.
i made sure everything under control. i cant let her screw me over again and again. i fucking hate ppl lying to
me and stepping on me. she did both at the same time, more than once within a week. WHAT THE FUCK.
then she said "oh ok." she smiled. what the hell does that mean? i dont care. then i just knew that she had to
do the story part today. i was reading the story as well, just in case, and that's part of my duty too.. then..
i started the class on time. she freaking told Ivy and the queen that was me so lost in the class, didnt know
what to do. but why didnt she tell them who was the one taking care of all the admin work and the mess
she created? anyway.. i dont care. i started the class on time. then yea.. but she pushed me to do the topic
theme all of the sudden. i used to be soooo scared of that part, but today i was fine. i was calm and confident.
at least i should trust myself that i could take care of it, or say... at least i should be confident, be able to
defense for myself. and the class was good. everything was fine... till when the class was about to end. she
told me that she had to leave earlier. i asked her when. she told me on time by 12. i told her no, she had to stay
with me till everything was done. she told me she had something to do and blah blah.. i said i dont know.
then when i was sending the kids and parents out. she put on her shoes as well. i told her that please helped
to wash the dishes or cleaning the toys while i would still need to do the admin work. she said she had to go.
i told her no, at least tried to stay for 5 - 10 mins. coz i would need to go also. she told me she had to do
the fest. she told me she has talked with the queen already, and she said the same. but she let her go.
i told her, i dont know, i really dont know. she said yea she could do that, i said i dont know. if you said so,
i guess yes but i really dont know actually. then i asked her to help me to fix the mat at least. then i was
filing the lesson plan and the materials. then she said she really had to go.. i looked at her. i asked her
"what are you doing? why do you unfold the mat?" she said well in Nam Tin they did it this way. i was like
i didnt ask you to unfold it. i told you to fix it. ok, you should do it as in what you see before the class start.
she said i really gotta go, the queen knew about it already. i didnt say anything. she left. but the thing is...
HOW COULD SHE POSSIBLY THOUGHT THAT SHE SHOULD DO IT THIS WAY? she had been trained here,
not in Nam tin. WTH?! so i was the one taking care of the set up and cleaning, and also that stupid mat.
it was so freaking stupid. i called the queen when i was finally ready to go. she asked me where Rosh
was. i told her she left already. queen asked me why, i told her the situation. then she said no way, she didnt
let her go. she didnt even talk to her. she said she's too much, she would talk with her on Mon. for me, it's like...
WHATEVER. the problem is Rosh is the F*cking Liar, she is sneaky and also soooo slow and freaking stupid.
today, i WASNT mean to her at all. i treated her just as simple as a co-worker. it's a pseudogroup. i dont
even understand how i could work with her. i told honey as well. i couldnt trust her and i have to be
careful of her. i wasnt mean to her, but definitely no way for me to be as nice as before ever again.
i wondered for long if i could just forgive her and be nice to her again, but NO. i'm sorry. she still lies today,
and she confronted me with a smile, and she didnt look guilty at all. i kindda believe that she's a natural
sneaky person. how dare she still tried to screw me over. she just pisses me off, weeks after weeks.
what did i do wrong to her so that she had to do this to me?

i told Ivy about the class today.. we had a meeting, 50 mins.. on phone... it's a bit too much for me..
but anyway.. yea... talking about Sep lesson plan.. then also.. i reported her about the class today..
then she said she didnt know how i could work with her like that. how i could pretend nothing.
i told her no way. i was just doing my job, nothing personal. if i smiled to her, it's only for the sake of
image and so it was so fake and so obvious. but i made sure myself assertive and firm when i spoke to
her for anything, just anything. i m usually a fun person to work with. for her, i dont care. i would
work with her, but i wouldnt let her screw me again.


mom suddenly talked about honey today... i was a bit surprised by that..
hummmm... she said dad asked her if stephen was serious with me... as a man, he thought if a guy
really liked a girl, and it's been almost 3 years, he would find ways to come to see her family and
get to know the ppl around this girl. she said i wasnt really dating him in person, it's hard to tell if
the guy really loved me or not. of course they worried for me. i didnt say much. i said if it's the right
time, he would come visit. she asked me when. i said we are still planing. the thing is.... i dont know.
but i would like to tell them soon anyway... sigh...

i took a run today.. didnt run for long... i couldnt breath today.. i ran for 1600m i think.. then i kept
walking for the rest of time.. i stayed for an hr i guess... i'm very tired..

Cas.... you need to figure out what you wanna do..

>>August 9, 2009 at 5:35:03 PM GMT+8

2009 年 8 月 7 日 星期五 【晴】

hello...

i have been very tired and worried about working with Rosh..
on Friday... we got a demo meeting for some class prep in future.. then also supposed to be
a meeting to talk about Rosh and me.. so... i was quite stressed, that's one of the reasons
i couldnt focus and finish my jobs for Dr. Li.

anyway... before i went to the meeting, i was talking with honey in the last min..
thank him for the advice and suggestions... that helps me, like calm me..
and.. we have been planing about me going over in Nov.. i miss him... i want to be with him..
and then... i dont know.. i'm sure there would be problems or difficulties but... we would
overcome these. i need his help though. i dont know if i can count on him for all of that, but
if i'm gonna choose to be with him for life long, he gotta be the one i could rely on and we
could take care of each others, right?

anyway.. i went there, i was on time, but they said i was late. coz i should be there by 1 45.
hummmm... then i went in, and i saw Rosh was smiling to me. i kindda smiled then looked away..
i tried to avoid any interactions with her. when i thought of what she said, it just pissed me
off and makes me so scared to deal with her. how could she possibly do that to me or Ivy?
i just couldnt imagine what kind of reasons she could have. anyway, i tried to avoid her and
didnt even say hi or anything with her. i was just paying attention to the demo thing... i didnt
prepare for anyting at all. there is no way i could prep for that actually. coz... i just got the
notice within 24 hrs, and the queen gave me gramma notes, not the cambridge course i'm
supposed to take care of. so... whatever. if they like what i would do then yes, otherwise,
i wouldnt need to take that kind of courses. anyway it might be better for me not to take care of
more complication. then yea... i was nervous, coz dont know what to expect in the meeting..
i told honey i was worried about it would become some sorts of heat argument, and i'm not
very good at it. i hate ppl lying, and i would be very angry if she ever lied about me in front of
me. so... honey gave me lots of suggestions... then yea.. i was there, and the queen asked her
to go out with her for a talk. i thought they were talking about that. but then no.... i left the room
after the demo was done, then i saw Rosh at the reception making phone calls, then i went
into my classroom.. then i went out again she was gone already.

i called Ivy, telling her the meeting was done, but the queen didnt do anything about that..
Ivy said she was on the way, and Roshed just passed by her. hummmm she looked upset.
i dont know. i gotta be prepared for tomorrow class. and i would still need to work with her.
that sucks.. but.... see what happens next. sigh.

i got up late this afternoon, then.... chatted with honey for a short while, then went out for
lunch with my family. we had dim sum. i was still wondering if i should go to James's wedding.
its been weird enough.. and.... i dont know. he didnt send any invitation cards that they have
made. he just sms us last night about his wedding tonight. he didnt invite Shan untill this afternoon
asking Ella to ask Shan. i was like.... hummm ok...... anyway.. i didnt go. coz i didnt tell honey
about it, and if i do go, then i would tell him. but i'm afraid that he might feel uncomfortable about
it, coz usually i would tell him before i go. i know there's nothing between me and James, and
i wanna congrat him. but i dont want honey to feel bad, and James's being weird on his wedding...
so... no... it's better not to go.

humm tomorrow need to work in the morning again... then.... i need to start hurry up working for
Dr.Li..... hummmmm... and i wanna plan well about going to Van...

>>August 8, 2009 at 5:22:12 PM GMT+8

2009 年 8 月 5 日 星期三 【晴】

there are so many i would like to say... but i'm too tired to type already..

i have seen some crazy things today, i have heard about the bad mouthing behind my back..
i would have a meeting tomorrow before work. omg. i'm worried, i hate this so much..
Rosh is gonna be so mean to me, isnt she? thanks for Ivy though, she's been helping me lots.
Rosh is really bad. she made up so much lies... and i hate it so much.

i havent finished my paper work for Dr. Li yet. i feel so bad but i'm really exhausted this week..
i'm very dead... i dont know, i would try to fix it tomorrow.. i dont want to be late...

i m glad to talk with honey these two days.. but yea.. we would need to discuss and plan more on the stuffs..
i really want to go over there earlier, but the ticket would be a problem, and also about my family.. and then
i would need to quit my jobs. you know... i miss him.. and.. after a long day... it just makes me miss him more..
you know how it feels?




>>August 6, 2009 at 7:05:14 PM GMT+8

2009 年 8 月 4 日 星期二 【晴】

why the stupid MSN is so stupid?
i dont understand how come i couldnt get honey's mesg and he didnt get mine as well.
i dont want to be apart with him. i want him. i want to be with him.



i'm very very tired today...
i got 1 lesson today.... then Ivy and i just sit down and eat something after class. we were talking about the classes
and about the situation we have with Rosh. she's really bad. i came to find out she knew Chinese, but she lied about
it to everyone. i dont care what reasons she has, she lied and pretended to be friends with me or Ivy. yea, she
completely avoided some work coz of this lame excuse. but i'm not gonna let it happen when she would work with
me. i hate ppl lying to me. and for me, it's completely not acceptable at work. how can i work with someone who lies
to me, pushing jobs to others, blaming others for her own fault? Ivy showed me the sms from Rosh today. seriously,
i wont accept her stupid attitude. if she talks to me like that, i would reply her straight away that "whatever, just a
reminder. if you dont want it, i wouldnt remind you ever again, and you should always remember that you are supposed
to be responsible for any troubles you have made on your own. dont you ever use my name again to get away from
your mess." i told Ivy i found it very unfair working with Rosh on Sunday, blah blah.. and the thing is.. i still have to
deal with her. i really want to confront her on her lies, but i wonder if i should do that before class. or i should just
show her that i have found out the truth already, like maybe asking her to do the admin work since she should be
able to do it on her own by now. i dont want to pretend like i know nothing about her, coz it's hard to hide. but...
i need some good solution for myself... not saying for anyone else but myself at least.

i got stomachache.. i didnt go to the City U after class. Dr. Li is on leave again.. i came home... tried to do some work,
but i was very tired... chatted with honey, but the MSN didnt work well.. so....... i was just waiting.. and till now i dont
know if the problems fixed, coz i still havent got his reply yet. i m getting impatient whenever i have problems with
the internet, computer, or phone services. i find these too important for me. i cant and dont want the bridge of our
communication broken. i dont know... the reason why i wanna go back to Van is about him, not about the money
we might gain or anything else. it's coz of him.

i took a nap but... i'm getting sleep debt. i shouldnt stay up till 3 sth everyday, coz i need to get up ard 6 30...
even though i might have 3 hrs nap time before dinner... i still need at least 2 to 3 hrs sleep more per day.
it's crazy. and all i want is to spend more time with him... although it's only through the internet.. it's still much better
than nothing. at least i could do something for him and us i think.. but seriously.. i wonder if i go there again, if we
would need to be apart again, then i would have to start over in hk again... and i really dont want to be apart with him.
tell me what to do....

tomorrow would have 3 lessons from the morning till late afternoon. it's gonna be exhausting.
then i would still need to finish the report and send to Dr. Li. damn it, i still have at least 250 articles to read. it's
impossible to finish them and do that report tomorrow.

sigh.. did he get my messages or e-mail?

>>August 5, 2009 at 6:18:12 PM GMT+8

2009 年 8 月 3 日 星期一 【晴】

hi..

i got a really bad sleep last night. i got stomachache, then got up early, then slept again.. all happened within 3 hrs.
anyway.. i got up and got ready to work. it was just a long day. i mean... i had 2 lessons, then went to City U.

the classes were fine. got some compliments from the parents. and then... the answer has came out already..
Rosh is crazy. not only me found problems with her. she created her own mess at the other centre, and how
dared her telling others she was just following what Ivy has told her. there's no way, impossible to make those
mistakes, as in... no excuses. and i cant even understand if she wants to set someone up or make up some lies,
why not she just uses her brain to think through what would make sense what doesnt. well, now at least the
queen, and Ivy knew i was not kidding or lying. what concerns me is what the parents think about the lesson,
me in the classes, and how to make the kids learn better with me. it's still my job till the last day i would quit.

after the classes, Ivy and i left together.. then i went to City U. i didnt have time for lunch, so just grab some
bun and ice tea at the bakery... then rushing to City U... met up with Dr. Li... got the briefing, then went down to
the "quietest place" in the library... did my work... came home... exhausted... fell asleep on the sofa.
i got tonz to do by this weekend... kind of urgent..

i want to pamper myself... i wanna get my hair color done. i wanna paint my nails which i shouldnt now..
working with kids shouldnt have nail polished. i wanna go somewhere with friends.. wanna go to the yoga class,
wanna learn swimming, wanna go jogging more often.. i wanna go ice skating, wanna hang out with friends.

i havent told my parents yet.. i'm still figuring on my own.. as in....... if i'm that unsure about what i would be up to,
or what i'm gonna do... i cant tell them or calm them. just like... if i cant even convince myself what i'm gonna do is
right, how am i gonna let ppl not to worry for me... i dont wanna feel like.... i have to convince myself to go over
there, coz it's not the case. i want to go there, and i trust him. but i just have to make sure i'm using my brain as well..
and so... my family and friends wont be worried too much.

i'm a bit worried for my parents too.. they have been arguing lots over some problems with my relatives from both
sides... mom's side got some big bad news with grandpa.. and a crazy bitchy aunt has been pissing my mom..
then dad wants mom to stay out from all the troubles my relatives are making, but mom cant just stay out from it
coz it's related to grandpa. and my grandpa is dying.. and he's a super nice grandpa. he has helped me lots and
he likes me.. so... i feel bad actually. i havent visited him for awhile already. and everytime i saw him he didnt look
well, and he didnt like to talk. then at my dad's side.. my crazy grandparents were arguing every once awhile about
my stupid uncle. he's such an idiot and i cant understand why grandma has to help him like that. and grandpa is so
angry at my grandma.. then she wanted to jump off.. then she couldnt get through the window. then.. she's just
one of the most dramatic women i have seen. the thing is.... my dad's side... many of them are quite fake or weird.
and i dont feel very comfortable with them most of the time with most of them. so... i dont know...
i hope my nice nice grandpa to get well soon.. i want my mom happy. i want my dad happy..

now it's typhoon no. 8 again.... and outside is very quiet.. no heavy rain or thunder storm... it's weird..
compared to last time... it was really bad. but i'm just wondering if i would need to work tomorrow morning.
i like working with ppl as a team... Ivy is very nice to work with... then also we have a new girl today..
hummmm... but i'm sleepy and tired... and i would need extra time to do work for Dr. Li.. so... i dont know.
i want the money and i like the kids and Ivy, but i'm very tired and hate to go out with typhoon or heavy rain.

i miss my honey...

>>August 4, 2009 at 7:13:17 PM GMT+8

2009 年 8 月 2 日 星期日 【晴】

hi.

the Sunday and today were quite tiring.
the Sunday class was so terrible. i was like so pissed at Rosh but i couldnt do anything about it.
she was not helping but... i dont know how to describe. it's like.. we were not working as a team.
i dont know what she's thinking. i cant trust her, and i kindda feel like she keeps setting up traps for me.

she might not mean to do that but the fact is... it's really hard to work with her. i dont care if Ivy worked
well with her or not, coz the thing is she's different when she worked with me. i dont need someone to
boss me around, or when i was doing some admin work then she was just doing nothing but expecting me
to lead the class. i was on time. where was she? when i was doing all the set up, where was she?
fine, she's back. has she read the lesson plan and the teaching materials? what about the story book?
she got sore throat, alright.. so she meant she wanted me to lead the sing-along part. fine. but i was working
on something else that she couldnt handle. and i wonder if she just lied about it. why didnt she start the class
but had to wait for me? and when i was talking with a parent over some payment thing and the class
schedule, i really didnt expect she would add her own opinion to it. that's fine if she wants to say something,
but that was not the right time. and during the class, no matter what went wrong, she should never
tried to confront me just like i would never do that to her. i asked the kids to sit down when we were about
to sing that song. coz she was slow and she paused. then she looked at me and said what are you doing?
you shouldnt ask them to sit down? you're supposed to stand up with this song. asked them to stand up.
then i was so embarrassed. i apologized and asked everyone stand up. she could just continue with that
song or ask them to stand up. then the parents were looking at me. then during the teaching part..
she just told me i have to lead that part. i asked her why, no one told me before. then she said the queen told
her so. i was like, what? i told her okay. i just wanted to keep the class going. never shown them how
disorganized we were even if we were really disorganized. but before the lesson, she told me when she
was leading the class, she wanted me to assist her, to bring kids back to the circle. i told her okay. so i
expected her would take that part. but then she just changed. okay, fine. but then when i was teaching,
she came over and started taking over. i was there for another 2 mins, then i walked away and went to
take care of the other kids and the other work. coz i thought she wanted to take over, or maybe i didnt do
good enough. but then when i was away, she called me back and asked me why i walked away, i was supposed
to lead the class. i was like what the hell? i couldnt say much. i just kept it going. the snack time was the
same. and i was so busy all the time. it's like she couldnt help me, and i couldnt work with her. when the
class was done. i was on phone with other parents, doing some other work. thanks for her lame excuse.
then i wanted her to stay coz i needed to show her how to do some paper work. then she got phone calls,
went away, came back, and went away.. i was like i have finished already. nothing much to show her.
then she told me she would come for the certain classes which were supposed to be mine this week.
i was like, i dont know.. the queen has confirmed the classes with me already, black and white. and i actually
needed to make huge arrangement on my own for the schedule change. so i would still come anyway.
i dont know what the hell she's thinking or doing with the queen. that's not my business. but dont ever try to
screw me if she ever has any problems with any other ppl. i'm sick working with her. that was the only second
time, but i'm so worried i would be complaint by the parents again. i am doing fine on any other lessons,
i dont want my reputation ruined.

today i talked with Ivy... it was okay. and we had no problems working together. so i really dont understand.
i do wanna improve myself working with Rosh, and improve my other teaching skills.. but... i'm not sure if it's
ever gonna work out.

i'm planing to go to Vancouver in Nov in stead of Dec. he wants me to go over in Oct.. i would like to go..
but i cant. i dont know.. i'm still thinking about what to tell my parents.. sigh. it's so hard for me here..
not about... dont want to go or anything.. just need time. i can totally understand what my parents worry
about, and i also understand about what he and i need. so... i just... need some time to prepare and tell my
family about my decision.. damn, it's hard. he gave me some suggestions already.. but i need a full version.
i dont wanna lie or make up stories for that... but... i cant tell 100% truth either. so... it's just hard. i feel like,
i'm at the middle. i told Shan about it too.. like... if i m working with a friend in another country. my parents
are going to think i'm crazy taking risk, but they would also think oh she's so brave blah blah.. but if it's working
with a boyfriend, then they would start to think oh this oh that.. then i asked Shan isnt it supposed to be
better working with the boyfriend? we both laughed. anyway... how would i feel alright if i would need
him to wait for me for a long time... then how would i feel right to let my family worry for me so much..
why wouldnt i worry about being in the middle... and who can really understand the conflicts and concerns
in future i'm facing. i feel like there're a million things going on in everyone's life... and... for myself it's the same.
i need to face all the big changes happened in the past few months, then dealing with two jobs... thinking
about my future... thinking about him... thinking about my family... and need to find ways for the money,
and also... telling my parents about the plan... but other ppl they have their problems too... so.... humm...

anyway.. tomorrow.. i would have 2 lessons in the morning till afternoon, then need to rush to City U..
busy schedule starts this week.. crazy, but i need money.

>>August 3, 2009 at 6:32:47 PM GMT+8

2009 年 7 月 31 日 星期五 【晴】

today..

i got up late.. then came on line.. chatted with honey for awhile, then got ready to go out..
hummmm i went to the dim sum place to meet up with my family.. we had dim sum today. it's nice.
then we walked to Tai Po Centre... we did some shopping there... then we walked home.

we dropped by a bakery.. it was very funny... the lady named her baskets with different names.
she has 3 levels of shelf, filled in with different baskets of bread and buns.. then she named the
first one as the ground floor, then the first floor, and the second floor. her menu was like... the
real estate adv. haha. we bought some from her... and they taste not as good as the one we
usually visit.. so.. we are not going back there anymore i guess.

i'm very tired... kind of exhausted. so.. today is good.. i can rest a bit.. get up late..
i wanna go out with friends sometimes, but i'm too tired. how come? i'm so young..... bleh....
i dont know.. there must be some reasons beside that. and i think... i thought... i was getting used to
my lonely life in HK.. as in... it sucks and i have been trying to cope with that. and i'm not too bad
as in since i have some jobs, i see the progress and i have plans to go back to canada.
but then... i'm still very lonely, and i want to be with him. and i love my family and friends.
i love the kids and what i'm doing at City U, it's education and psychology thing.

honey mentioned that i should go back to Canada in Oct. i was a bit shocked coz i didnt expect that soon.
it's not like i dont want to go back. if i'm only on my own... no problems.. but i got a family here..
i just came back here, and i dont know how to explain to my family. i wouldnt want to disappoint them or
let them worry for me. honey and i are.... not married.. i dont know if i m doing good for myself.
i'm not expected to be doing this, you know...

anyway.. tomorrow i need to work... i want my sunday day off but... work is important to me at the moment.
i need more money. and... still, i wanna hang out with friends... but i dont know... i want to rest well and relax.
i have many questions in my head.

>>August 1, 2009 at 7:02:38 PM GMT+8

2009 年 7 月 29 日 星期三 【晴】

hello.
it's been quite hard lately...

today, i got up early again, then got ready to work.
i got up with a bad mood, i didnt sleep well last night or recently. i was very sleepy in the evening, then i took a run..
then yea... i got 3600m run plus 1200m walking in an hr something i guess? then... i fell asleep while watching tv
after dinner... i'm always tired.. then when i was on line last night, i tried to do some work. then i fell asleep in front of
the computer... i waited till around 3 sth am then i just went to bed, otherwise i think i was gonna sleep in the living
room. then... yea i got up, and i messed up with my sleeping schedule..

i got 2 strong coffee this morning.. one at home for breakfast, the other one right before getting start with work.
i went there, saw Dr. Li.. then... got the lap top from them, then went to the library.. went into "my room"...
yea, i got a room in the library, called the study carrel. haha.. i got my own key, but inside it's like so plain... but it's
good as in i got privacy and space while doing work. i dont need a desk settled in a real office, i prefer some
private space instead, now it's just great. the thing is... i dont have to talk with anyone during work time, except
just some briefing time or maybe meeting.. which is like.... not that long. so.. yea.. i could just focus on my doc..
then... i could be very free.. but the thing is.. it's always being alone. dont know if it's good or bad..

like today.. while i was working, i couldnt stand the silence in the room. so i put my mini ipod on... and then
i just cried. i was typing some data, and typing and crying. strange. i wasnt crying hard, but got tears floating in
my eyes... then i stopped working for awhile.. i ate my Pockey chocolate biscuit sticks. haha.. no... i guess i know
why i cried. yea, i'm so silly. i guess i really miss him too much. i miss the time we could spend together.. i could
help him doing some little things.. we could hang out and shop for home and food.. we could do housework together.
i could get hugs and kiss.. he would even bring me to his bra bra shop. it's not very fun or exciting to watch him
doing his hair cut there, but it's kind of cute. even though i was the only girl there, its still a quite interesting exp.
i d only watched daddy's hair cut in my life before, and it was like really long time ago when i was a kid. i didnt
sit still, i was complaining so bored blah blah.. i would walk around, played with my toys. but when i grow up now,
i watched my honey doing his hair cut. i know later i would also watch my kids' hair cut too. ha.. but yea.. i miss
everything we did together. sometimes he would say it's no big deal when i told him about something upsetting me,
like the msn didnt work, the internet sucks, or stuffs like that... but it means a lot to me, it upsets me only when he
is so important to me, and i dont want the bridge between us broken.

the sms is kind of concerned me.. i have no ideas why my international sms doesnt work. i asked Jackson for
help to test it.. and truly i couldnt get his sms.. i am going to the company this week to see if they could help me
to check.

hummm at lunch time today... i went out late.. i went to the Delifrance to have sandwiches... it's like... i was the
only one who is by myself there. everyone got at least one company with lunch.. i was the only one there sitting
at the 2-ppl table but by myself. eat alone, sit alone.. the only ppl i deal with was the waitress. good time and
training to practice observation during ppl-watching when i was eating. its good to have personal time i guess..
but you know how lonely it could be, and i'm only 23 this year. no i should say i'm already 23 this year.
my most beautiful youth is leaving me day by day... and i'm spending days alone, working and planing for the
future, figuring how to get enough money and planing for another trip. sometimes i wonder how come it's so
unfair... i need to work so hard, i need to work extra and extra hard just to get a chance. isnt life too tough?
but when i think of the positive side that.... there are so many many ppl are at the worse situation than mine,
and i'm still considered pretty lucky actually.

i went to H&M, coz i was looking for some nice and cheap accessories. i cant afford the better quality one, but
i still want something new for my crazy summer here anyway.. i dont wanna look dull though i look pretty tired.
i got 2 nice one, then i rushed back to "my room" and continued with my work. hummm i finished them pretty
early.. then i was walking around in the library.. found a few books about education, especially working with
the special kids.. like the ones i saw at work. then also found one talking about learning during play time.
then i just read them... and i came back to Tai Po.

it's good to hear from Dr. Li saying i'm doing good at my job. she said i picked up things pretty quick, and like
before i was a week behind, and today i just got everything done already, and started working for the next
week. i guess if she gives me enough information and instruction, i could work pretty independent and hang
in stuffs on time. it's not difficult, but just... need time to think and need to focus.

i was pretty dead... lying on bed and fell asleep..

my schedule is changing again.. omg.. the Queen talked with me yesterday and arranged me lessons..
she is going to send Rosh to another centre, and let me having hers instead. so i would suddenly have
10 lessons/ week.. it was only 5 before? anyway... it crashed my schedule with City U.. so.. i talked with
Dr. Li today... and it's lucky that i can change time.. but the thing is i'm gonna be quite busy. and i talked
with the queen, asking her about the increase of my salary. then she said maybe in Sep, coz they could
review my 3 months working performance by then. hummm okay. but i dont want her to have my schedule
completely. i dont like to be like... manipulated by ppl. she told me like they got some feedback from the
parents about my lessons already.. i was like oh really? she told me the places i have to work on.. like...
communicate more with the parents, she saw the kids and i get along pretty well in class. then also need
more practice to lead the class. for me, of course the first day working with a new partner was quite hard.
Rosh was like reminding me to do this and do that, while i know what i was doing. i was nervous. and
i couldnt expect what she would do or what i was supposed to do. she was like telling me oh i would help
you on this, i would help you on that. but for me was like... i dont really need her help actually.. all i needed
to know was if she's gonna take this part or if she was going to take another part. never mind, i would
change a bit this week. i would talk discuss with her first before the lesson. humm just dont want the queen
got any excuses on me.

i had lunch with Shan yesterday? or the day before? then.. we talked alot... she said she doesnt hear
any update with her lately. she means about my life and relationship. hummm.. i dont know... guess after
quite awhile... i have seen more about him and i grow up alot as well.. i just... i dont know.. i'm happy that
i'm more secure with myself, as in... if the guy loves you, he loves you, if he doesnt, then you cant do much
about it as well.. if he dumps you then he dumps you, and that means he doesnt deserve you as well.
i'm happy that i love myself more and at the same time it doesnt decrease my love to him. in fact i know and
understand him more that helps erasing my fears or wiping my excessive worries. but of course... i am not
going to think that i could be a princess. id never thought of that. i think every girls has a thought about being
a princess, but guess... this happens in the fantasy, and in real life, or daily life... there's no way i could be
a princess. it's just too fake so unreal for me.

tomorrow i would go to the post office after work. Friday again..
but then starting next week, i'm not gonna have any day off. any days of the week i would at least have
1 lesson and some work to do with City U. it's gonna be exhausting.

tonight i wanna make a wish... but i know it wont come true.. one day would but not tomorrow..
i wish tomorrow when i wake up, he would be within 10 m from me.. then i could make breakfast for him.
i miss him, i really do. i wanted so much to be able to touch him and stay in his arms. i wanted him so much,
but sometimes it feels kind of complicated. coz.. on webcam, it's so nice to see him again.. but cant do anything
much. it's always better than only text, and i could see him in his home, where also my home before, but at the
same time we cant touch. so... yea... Dec... the winter.

i still need to plan more on it...

see... a life like this, is just hurrying you to grow up... i cant see myself as a fresh grad, i cant see myself as
a princess.. i cant see myself as a little girl at work or doing some serious stuffs. but i ensure that i do know
who i am.. i do know the self inside me. i'm nice to 98% of ppl around me.. but there's only one space for the
most special person. and i'm glad that i still could distinguish the line. i'm not some old-exp woman as well..
i'm just... me...

i was listening to Shan about what's going on lately.. then i think of myself and the other ppl around me..
you know... if you dont like me... that's fine... but dont hurt me. and if you like or... love someone... then...
plz think twice before making any decisions.. coz sometimes it would hurt. and i bet the person that you
care so much, or who loves you so much, that s/he would never want to be hurt by you. and you know how
it feels too.. i hate those selfish ppl.. i really do.. mistakes that i can understand, but being selfish? and you know
exactly what you're doing... why doing so? dont blame the others, blame yourself. you made the decisions,
so be responsible for it and be responsible for the person you have hurt.

>>July 30, 2009 at 6:26:58 PM GMT+8