2009 年 6 月 15 日 星期一 【晴】

great.

i stay up late just to spend some little time with a person. he was honest to tell me the truth.
i heard the ugly fact, i accept it. i made some jokes, someone got angry, i said relax, then i got hung up.
nice.

i got a meeting tomorrow morning, i'm so tired today. i should have gone to bed instead.
why should i stay up so late to get hang up like this for such a stupid thing?
i dont deserve it.

>>June 16, 2009 at 6:54:58 PM GMT+8

2009 年 6 月 14 日 星期日 【晴】

you know.. i'm employed now.
i wanna do part time instead, but full time would bring me more money.
i havent signed the contract yet, i'm still thinking of many things, and my probation would be till July.
i'm afraid.. i'm happy that i get a job but i'm afraid. i'm still thinking of many things, especially about honey.

last night, i was talking with honey. i miss him so much.
i tried to go to bed a bit earlier. i couldnt sleep, i just kept thinking of him.

i was late to the interview this morning, coz i simply overslept. i wasnt feeling well, i got up an hour
earlier than i was supposed to, then i went back to bed, laid down.. and then i missed my alarm 2 times.
i just set 2 times last night. they called me, and i just woke up. i was like holly fuck, what did i do?
i lied to them that i got stomach problem, and i couldnt call. anyway, i took the interview. i cant believe that
i overslept on my interview day, and i couldnt believe that i need to lie on my interview day.
then i waited there for 1 hr for the interview. i did the demo, i chose the song "I'm a little teapot"
and also a story. hummmm i passed. then she asked me a few more ques, then started briefing me about
the job and stuffs.. then.. it was okay. i just got employed by chance. i thought they were looking for alot
of teachers, actually not. they are just looking for one at a time. and the day i got called was the deadline,
and i was arranged for the interview coz they were still working over time that night. and then end up
i was the only candidate they have chosen among all.

anyway, i went home coz i wanna talk with honey about that. but he wasnt on line... and i had to go..
coz my parents were waiting for me at the restaurant. i told them and told Shan... i havent told Karen yet.
they were happy for me, coz it took me only 2 weeks to find a job, which is very very rare these days in
Hong Kong. and so i would say i'm very lucky actually. and the pay is actually quite high as a fresh grad.
coz comparing to most of the companies now, the salary drops so much, esp for the fresh grad.
education is what i wanna do and i would continue studying in psych, so this chance is very important to me.
and the thing is... i dont think Ella would ever hire me as a full time teacher there, but now i m offered this
position with a higher pay, so i guess she is surprised. in fact, she is. i dropped by the office, coz i wanted
to talk with her. i need her advice.

i talked with her, like... i might be going back to Vancouver soon in the coming months, i really wanna go back there.
but i just got an offer, and i dont wanna do full time. i just want part time. coz... full time working there has no
access to the internet. then she asked me why i need the internet so bad. Shan asked the same que before.
i told her that... coz Stephen and i got time difference. and the thing is.... internet is the only thing we have at
the moment, we dont talk on phone. so... what are we supposed to do if i work full time without internet?
Ella was surprised anyway. Carole was there too. Carole asked me how my interview was. she meant another
one. i told her it was canceled, but i got another one this morning. i got hired this afternoon. then she asked me
where, i said Tai Po. then she asked me which one. i said it's a tutorial centre. Ella asked me what i need to do.
i said i would be a play group teacher there. Ella shouted Play group teacher?? i said yes. at the moment would
be part time, but soon would be changed to full time.

for me... it sounds good. but... think about honey, i just dont know what to do with that.
i cant exclude him in any plans of mine, you know. he is so important to me. i cant exclude him just like he
would think of me while he makes big decisions. he asked me to go back to Van. but i dont know if he is going
back to Japan next year. if he is going back there, what am i supposed to do? we are not married, i cant follow
him wherever he goes. and the thing is... i'm here, Hong Kong. it's much more difficult now. i really want to go
back, but now i just dont know what to do now. i just got a job. i wish i didnt come back to HK you know.
i just wish i didnt come back. i wish i had asked him if he wanted me to stay, if he said yes then i would have
stayed there. now i dont have the money, and that's okay. but the thing is i cant explain to my family.
my home isnt a hotel that i can just come back and leave anytime i want. i cant do that to my family.
if we are married and he's responsible for me, or at least we have plans like that, then no one can say anything,
even though it sounds strange. but now... i'm single, i'm independent. it's so hard to get a job, and i just got a job,
ppl are gonna be happy for me. if i'm turning it down and flying back to Van. i dont know what kind of pressure
i am gonna get.

sometimes i do wonder... maybe i shouldnt have came back. i just wish he has asked me to stay or i wish
i have asked him that que... if he said yes, i probably would have stayed there.
i cant wait to see him again, i seriously hope to see him tomorrow, but the thing is... we both decided me coming
back to HK and get a job first. and i was in pain coming back to HK alone. 2 weeks feels like forever.
then now i got a job. what the hell.

actually... i just need some time and some money.... then i would just fly back there.
the only reason i dont want that stupid contract is coz i know it for sure that i would fly back there within
a year. all i need is money and some time staying with my family here.





>>June 15, 2009 at 1:50:37 PM GMT+8

2009 年 6 月 13 日 星期六 【晴】

hey!

you guess what happened last night?
i got the song from honey, and i sent him a song =)
hummm i guess i said something wrong here last night. i shouldnt have said he has never made me happy.
actually he did make me happy. not always but... he did make me happy sometimes.
coz i just think about... while i was happy when i was with him, the time we have spent together, they all
should be counted. otherwise it's just unfair to him. actually... yes... he did make me happy.. and.. i do need
him to complete me. i dont need him to make me happy, coz... i'm already happy when i'm with him.
of course it's sweet if he does something to make me happy... but what i need is... just him... i would feel
completed. and it's not like what i can get from any person. but only him.

he mentioned about me going over again. of course i would love to go over again soon. i just want him.
but i'm also considering many things as well. coz.. i cant just leave and come back whenever i want to.
then... i need to think about lots of things as well. i really want to see him. i really do.

i didnt go out today till evening. i was home, i got up like ard 1 sth pm? it was crazy, coz i slept ard 5 sth am.
haha... nice yea? hummm =) then i got up and came on line... chatting with him. then i had lunch, and watched
tv, then rested a bit, preparing for my interview stuffs. then i just took a walk and had juice with Shan.
we were supposed to dine with Queenie, but she has to work ot, so... boo... next time.

yea, Shan and i talked alot. i asked for her advice as well.. about my career path and stuffs. then.. she talked
with me about Choi and her. hummmmm............... then i walked home.

i want to start jogging this week. last week was too busy and rainy.

tomorrow i would have the interview. i kindda feel... complicated. coz... on one hand, i do wanna be employed.
i really need a job, and i dooooo need money, and i dooooooooo love teaching job. and it will be good for my
further study. so i really would like to be employed as a play group teacher. but on the other hand, i am afraid
of the contract, and i'm afraid i m leaving HK again within a year, which is pretty possible. coz Stephen and i
really want to see each others again, and i dont think he wants to wait so long just like me. so... i'm afraid.
i dont know.... we will see.. and i want to work in Fedex like him, but... they havent called yet. i wanna work in
Starbucks, coz it should be okay... but they havent called yet. so.... i dont know. we will see..



>>June 14, 2009 at 7:19:08 PM GMT+8

2009 年 6 月 12 日 星期五 【晴】

Cas is officially 23 now. not really a new page of life, but another new year of mine, which means..
one step front, one step advanced, one step near to the end of life. haha.

i took the interview in the morning yesterday. there were many ppl waiting.
then, in my group, there were 4 of us. then we filled in the form, and went into the classroom and watched
how the classes usually are. then back into the meeting room for the group interview. humm it was okay.
the thing is,... there was a girl who is totally not related to the education field. then one of the other two was
a teacher in the kindergarten, then the other one just returned from UK. it was okay. i was pretty okay.
when it finished, i left. i went to the office to visit Shan... then i stayed for awhile.. talked with Carole as well.
then, i went home.

i was happy the night before, like when honey said Happy Birthday to me. it was like ard 12am. haha.
then yea, i talked with him for awhile. i miss him. and... there was a question i wanted to ask for so long
actually... as i wrote before here... i wondered to ask him if he wanted me to stay there. i wondered if i asked
and if he said yes, then i might end up not coming back, but risking staying there and then trying to earn a
ticket back. i didnt ask, and we both decided i would come home. he didnt mention he wanted me to stay,
he just said he didnt mind me staying. so... i didnt say anything.
yesterday, we talked about something, then i just asked him if he has ever thought about maybe i shouldnt
have come home. he said yeah. well... i would go over again, i just know i would. and when i go there again,
i would be a better girlfriend, i would be more grown up. i just know i would. i didnt tell him this, and so...
he would be surprised.

i met up with Karen for dinner. haha.. we met at Tai Po Centre. we had pasta and pizza. then we went to
After5. there was a small party for me. actually its a gathering. few days ago, i post a notice through
Facebook to my old schoolmates and friends, inviting them to come together to have a drink. i thought it was
gonna fail, coz the response rate was really low. so i was planing to go to McDonalds, but then end up
went to After5. i was very surprised that Zhi Yan and Kin would come. then also Samuel, Shan, Queenie,
C-man, Ella, Richard, James and his girlfriend Sharly came. Ella and Shan bought me gifts. haha.. thats so
sweet. i have said it like gift is not necessary. but they bought me gifts =) it was good. we had a great time.
we talked alot.. Samuel and i had a chat.. coz they brought up the past again! yes, they never forget that!
hahaha.. so i just personally thank him again, coz i had never got the chance to thank him. it was like 6 years
ago though. he told me he had never done that again, and i just thank him for everything that he did for me.
it was just something only would happen at that age. you know... and i d never got the chance to thank
him at that time. i still remember how embarrassed i was at that time. but now when we talked about that,
we all laughed and i find that so lovely. coz it is. i told him everything i knew and what i was thinking.
anyway, it is just a nice time to get the chance to say thanks.

then Ella, Richard, James, Shan, and Shairly just played at the pool. the Elchards' time. hahaha it was okay.
then i chatted with James and also his girlfriend Shairly. i was happy for them, they are getting marry.
i was a bit surprised though, coz its like..... they are together for less than 4 months. well Stephen sent me
the ring after 3 months we started, so hahaha i guess thats okay. i dont know. but James told me that after
i was gone, they have been through alot, and now they decide to get marry in Aug. i always know James wants
to get marry so much, but i just didnt know he was that hurry. after i was gone, which means only 2 months.
i guess now i dont have to worry for him about i was being so cold to him and about my leaving. so i guess
he didnt like me as much as he described. but then i dont know, he didnt even tell me that he started dating her
untill i ran into them one night when i was on the way home. he told me before that i am his best friend. obviously
that was not true. no one would hide this from their best friend. i'd never accepted him, i think i was right.
i dont think i have given any chances to him. i was pretty confused on my own and he knew it. i told him
i would go to Canada, and i would like to give the chance to Stephen instead. he said i deserved the best.
he wanted to touch my hair and i turned away. i noticed that last night... like... the way he used to look at me
and talk to me is kindda different compared with Shairly. so... i asked Shan last night when we were walking
home. i asked her what she thinks about them getting marry. Shan feels the same. but i dont know. i dont have
any weird feeling about they are getting marry. i was happy for them. but i know for sure that the James i saw
last night wasnt the James i know. but if he is happy with that, why not.

i came home, opened the gifts i have got. HAHAHA! ^^ i was surprised! then yea, it was all good.
i came home and still saw honey on line.. so chatted with him for a really short while..
i took a shower, then rested a bit.. then i fell asleep, then i just went to bed. i slept for 10 hrs last night.
not enough. i dont know why. i talked with Alessja. she is good. i am happy to hear that. she is just good now.
i was quite worried for her since she was so stressed and has so many problems at home. now i am just
happy for her =)

then i went out with my parents. we had dim sum today. i just like Chinese dim sum. then auntie Ching came.
we took a walk... and bought food for dinner, and we bought a cake =) it's just a tradition of our family.
whoever birthday it is, cake is a must. we just like cake time. so yea.. i had a nice cake this year.
we dont sing song, we dont make wish, but we eat cake. haha.

tomorrow... i would have dinner with Shan and Queenie. and before that, hopefully i can meet up with Ella.
i need to speak with her, i need her advice for my interview on Mon. then i also need to prepare for the
interview thing.. and also other job applications.

i didnt know i was allergic to Kiwi fruit. and its kind of scary. coz i used to be okay with kiwi and i like it.
and when i was small i was okay with daily product too... but... since i m getting older, i just find myself
allergic to more food choices now.. and sometimes i dont know what i m allergic to. so... i think i would
listen to Stephen that i would need to take the food test, and think about taking pills so that i could have
daily products again.

我們因為愛而不捨得. 亦因為愛而懂得放手.
because of love, we dont want to let go. and because of love, we know how to let go.

time... all we need is just time.

i was looking for an e-mail in my inbox. then i just saw what Benny wrote me last year.. on my birthday last year.
last year, i was very very mad and very upset. i just cried when i read that. i hated him, i hated what he did to me.
but after the conversations on that few days last year, i knew i just completely let go of whatever happened
between us. no more questions or hates. i didnt love him or hate him anymore. and today when i read that,
i feel nothing at all. just nothing. no regrets, no sadness, nothing. i used to be so stubborn about not letting go of him
coz i loved him and i thought there might be a chance, or he wasnt that bad, was he? but actually... well.
love taught me to let go, not only him, but let go of lots of things... especially those i cant control. coz i love myself...
so i learn to let go. and time is what i need.

you dont want to let go of something or someone you really love. or you just cant let it go.
but i guess everyone has some bottom line, and you know when it is about to let go.

i'm definitely not ready to let go of Stephen or i call him honey. sometimes when i'm weak, i do think about what
if we wont work out. he has been leading our relationship. i always listen to him. and so when i'm alone in HK,
i feel extra lonely sometimes. i'm so glad that i have so many friends and good friends around me, and i have a
lovely family, otherwise how am i gonna survive, how am i gonna be okay? no, i m not okay at all. i am not
completed. i dont need him to make me happy, he has never really made me happy, but i need him to complete
me. of course sometimes we are happy sometimes not. but i need him to complete me.

i want him. i need him coz i do love him.



>>June 13, 2009 at 5:41:54 PM GMT+8

2009 年 6 月 10 日 星期三 【晴】

i saw honey on line! =)

anyway, i got like 10 hrs sleep, i was too tired i guess.
then i came on line, heehee. then i chatted with honey.
then i went out having lunch with my parents. then we bought food for dinner tonight.
i walked home.. then working on the resume, and sent a few out.

humm got an interview tomorrow in the morning. some education centre called me just now.
i m a bit nervous, coz they obviously know i m chinese, and they want to hire chinese to teach eng to kids.
and she already told me they would test me on story telling and also singing. so i was like.... okay.
so, tomorrow i need to go to the interview at 10, then went to the office, then drop by the kindergartens.

Karen called me, she wants to have dinner with me tomorrow =) then i would meet up with Shan as well,
then maybe some other friends would come. i dont know yet. but yea, Happy Birthday to myself.
this year, i'm being afraid on my birthday, coz i m desperate to look for a job now. i dont wanna say the best
gift would be a nice offer of a job. this is probably what i need now, but a wish is... like.... i dont know =D
i wish for something else i guess. heehee.




>>June 11, 2009 at 6:08:18 PM GMT+8

2009 年 6 月 9 日 星期二 【晴】

i m very tired..

two more days, then i would turn 23.
is it getting old or growing up?
when we were still kids, we want to grow up, and so Birthday is always nice and good.
i wanna grow up but dont wannt get old. haha.

the fact is that everyone have to grow up, without a choice.

yesterday, i was very busy. i got up ard 12 sth, then making a card for honey, and getting ready to leave home.
i had lunch with my parents, then i went to the post office. YAY!!! i finally have sent the gift =)
i also went to the office. saw a lot of parents, some of them were so happy to see me. i was a bit surprised,
really. and of course i was flattered and so happy to see them again as well. Shan does a good job at work,
i m sure she does, and i m so happy for the centre. i just dropped by, said hi to Carole and Shan. Carole had
a hard time with two kids. hummm... then yea.. Gloria's mom offered me a chance. she is always so nice to me.
she said her sister-in-law is hiring now, she said it would be a nice job and blah blah so she asked me if i would
be interested. i said yes. and i would bring her my resume tomorrow.

uhmmmm.. i start to miss Stephen more now, what to do? and i m a bit worried for him, i mean like... why he
doesnt come on line? its been a week already.. then i just realized i have been back for 2 weeks only.
but i feel like these 2 weeks are really really long already. really long. really long. i miss him, i miss everything
with him there. i really do.

it makes me thinking about... when i was still working at Elchards, or sometimes when i was at school,
i had thought about one day when he would visit me here, what it would be like. when i would need to work
or i would be busy, how it would be like? i couldnt imagine, coz... i dont even know when he is coming to HK.
i would love to see him here. i would love to.

i slept for 4 hrs last night, i didnt sleep well. i got dreams again.

i got up today ard 8 sth... i was working on the applications to City U and Baptist U. then... i went to the library
this morning to do some photo copy. i forgot to copy something. then i went to City U to drop off the applications,
then i met up with Maggie. i went to her graduation show. i planed to stay for 1 hr, then i would leave.
but then end up i was there for 2.5 hrs? coz she was explaining to me about every pieces of work and the work
or her classmates. i was quite happy to listen to her actually. hummm but i was very tired. then yea.. after that,
she wanted to have tea set with me. sure, i was invited. but actually i was very tired. so.. we seat for another
1.5 hr? i dont remember. she talks alot actually. we were not so close since i was ard 9 or 10... family problems.
then yea, so i was surprised we spent so long time together today, just to catch up. it was nice. i mean...
the problems belong to the previous generation, not us. so yea.. anyway, she walked me to the Baptist U,
then we went back to Tai Po together. she recently moved back to Tai Po, quite near to me, in our area..
hummm.... its ok. but i m really tired..

i was supposed to go to the kindergarden, they are hiring, but again, not enough time.
and i really hate the feelings like.... so unstable, insecure about jobs and money..

Dida called me another day. i was a bit annoyed coz i was busy printing something, and the paper jammed.
he told me something happened again between him and Mable. i have told him to let go of her since she
has told him very clearly that no, there is no, no, and no. when a girl being so certain about something, she
really means it then there would be no turning point at all. he seems not getting it, and he is just waiting for
another chance to try again. i dont wanna say much, coz.... i know how it feels. i just wish he knows what
he is doing and wish him happy.

what about me? what about him? what he is doing now? sleeping?

i talked on phone with Karen last night, not Karen Ho from Elchards, but my close friend Karen. haha.
hopefully would see her soon. i miss her. and then...i might have a small party on Fri late night..
then Sun would have dinner with Shan and Queenie. On Sat, i would go to the recruitment day.
i m so tired, and... i m not so well. but i would try to be tough. i m so tired. i just wanna relax a bit you know..
and sometimes when i sleep, i think of him, i just wish that he would be next to me. i dont know if he has
the same feelings or same thought. i miss him. ='(

>>June 10, 2009 at 12:57:00 PM GMT+8

2009 年 6 月 7 日 星期日 【晴】

Do you know your enemy?
no, i dont. but ppl say if you wanna win, you need to know your enemy.
my weakness is not necessary as my enemy. competitors arent enemies. time isnt enemy.
guess i just dont have any enemy.

i slept ard 5 sth or 6 this morning.. then i got up around 12 sth.
i was working on the applications again. yup, again. and its never end.
then i went to bed this morning... and my alarm rang ard 10. i planed to go jogging.
i just couldnt get up. i need 8 hrs sleep, and there is just no way to wake me up within my first 4 hrs sleep.
i dont know why, it is just the way it is. i need to set 3 alarms to ring at different times. the first one i usually miss,
the second one would wake me up, then i would get up by the third one, or if i m too tired, i just miss 3 of them.
anyway... i got a call after my second one rang. then i fell alseep again, then in 15 mins i got a sms, then i ignored
it, then in another 20 mins, i got a call again. so i just got up. honey used to ask me to turn off my phone before
sleep. no, i cant. i need to let it on for 24 hrs. its like.... in case for emergency. i feel much more secure when i have
my phone on with me. and especially when i m expecting phone calls, like before from our clients, and now from the
companies.

anyway.. i got up around 12 sth.. then working on the application again. then i got ready to go to the office,
made some copies, i had McDonald's at the office also, then just went to the Chinese University. mom went with
me. it was very nice there. then went back to Tai Po. i went home and reading the classified post again,
applying to a few more companies then also checking on line for more posts at the university and some health
care organizations. i m very tired. i really am tired. then i saw a recruitment day coming this Sat and Sun.
i am going to try... this time i m really looking for an experience more than a real chance to get in. its hospitality
industry, which i really loved before. i m going to try the admin work at the back office or the front office work.

then, yea.. tomorrow i would take care of the applications of 3 universities, then also would need to go to the
post office to send Stephen's gift. i was in a hurry today, shcedule didnt fit. and i wanna write him something
as well. i dont wanna just send some thing, i wanna send a gift. otherwise i would just have wasted my
time on picking the tie, or a gift just wont be a gift anymore.

then yea.. on Wed, in the morning, i would go to 2 universities, then afternoon visiting Maggie's show in Kowloon
Tong. hopefully coming home around 2 or 3 pm, just earlier..

i m very tired though i m not working much. its like... i spend so much time searching jobs and working on the
applications. like the letters and resumes, then also photo-copies. and there are so many forms to fill in, although
i do have a well done full resume. i just dont understand why the companies are wasting time and paper on
the application forms. its just stupid. in the end you would still need to read the real resume for details.
and i dont think being unemployed could be very free. well its free, but still very busy. i spend more than 6 hrs
per day to search for jobs and working on the applications, and also time going out to do the application work.
its not easy, its stressful, its tiring and frustrating. the only thing exciting about it is when you get hope. and its
so terrible when you know you have just done so much prep, and they dont want you coz you are not perfect.
but you know you are capable for that job, all you need is a chance and you dont have it.

i sent the files to an uncle before. he's my aunt's friend. he has huge network, so my aunt introduced me to him.
we dont know each others, but he asked me to contact him. so i searched for the info of the companies he
knew of, and worked on my letters and resume and then sent him. he replied me this morning, he said he's sure
i have a very good qualification and characters, and i would need to be patient. his friends would contact me
soon while any chances appeared. i replied him with many thanks. but the thing is... again... not about having
hopes up and turning down. its just the fact that i cant deal with this kind of uncertainties. i feel like looking for
a job becomes my career now. i m working so hard, my brain is full of ideas of getting a job, different companies,
a few to do lists, places to go, websites to check, ppl to talk with, forms to fill, etc. i m so tired.

the ppl i know of who have been finding jobs, they tend to hide themselves, refused to interact with relatives
or some friends, or felt very uncomfortable to talk with ppl. i guess i can understand why. but i try not to be
like that. coz while i open up myself, being honest with my status, it just helps me to accept and face the fact.
there is nothing to be shameful about even though its really really frustrating for me. i dont really regret resigning
at Elchards. its not like i hate Elchards or anything, i like there. its just the time for me to move on to the next
stage or whatever its called. i m a fresh grad, and i cant escape the truth that i would need to move on.
college life is end. i need a job. i m an adult now, and i want to experience what i should be experiencing.
and now i'm doing that.. being frustrated finding a job. it sounds pretty stupid for me to quit the job before,
but if i didnt, i wouldnt be able to know what it is like to struggle in unemployment. i wouldnt work as hard to get
a job. i wouldnt understand so much things i m doing right now. and you cant take away what you have learnt
and seen, your experience and the fact has ever happened.

i've become what i cant be.
its true. since 2009, i have made quite some important decisions in my life. and those just change my life a lot.
i have taken chances to do what i had never thought about, i have tried some crazy things, i learn to be brave
and tough to face my life and challenges, i take chances to experience life and what i m supposed to experience
as my age. i've become what i thought i couldnt be. its tough and it might look stupid, but its just so meaningful
to me, and i am so proud of myself.




Stop and stare.
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're 'here' not 'there'
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can you see what I see?

>>June 8, 2009 at 6:24:33 PM GMT+8

2009 年 6 月 6 日 星期六 【晴】

hello.

i got up very late today. then i hang around, went out with my family. we had dim sum.
then walked around. got a call from my aunt. then... i went home... had been working on the applications again.
yup, again and again. it just seems like never end. i really hate it now. i Hate it.

then, yea... working on the applications to the university positions as well. i need to go there tomorrow.
and then, before, i would need to do some photo copy again, yup, again and again. coz i have changed
something on my resume and the cover letter. so yup, again and again, it seems like never end. and i hate it. haha!!
i HATE it! HAHAHAHA! no its not fun at all. but.. i can only laugh it off and give it a Big Smile.

i sms Karen today, i was so happy for her, she got into the second interview of some nice position. i hope she
can get in. then it could reduce my worry. coz the thing is at least i could expect something, like have some general
idea of how long it would take me to get a job. i know i m impatient on this. and i have been updating with Shan all
the time, since i just need some support honestly. i just need someone, some support. and of course its not like
i should talk with everyone about everything. Shan knows everything, Karen knows pretty much. mom knows
a lot... thats it. Stephen doesnt know too much since i dont know where he goes now. guess he must have his
own things going on right now. i miss him so much, i really do. but life must go on.

tomorrow i would go jogging. i need exercise, it would make me feel better. i need to reduce stress from some
exercise, and it would stop me taking too much comfort food. then i would go to the office, and the post office.
i need to send the gift to him tomorrow. then i need to have lunch with Miki, then i need to go to the university.
then come home i need to do some cleaning and tidying my stuffs. its been quite messy for a while.

Shan told me to stay calm and be patient. coz i only came home for less than 2 weeks, and started applying
within a week. there is nothing i can do except keep trying. i know its right, and i know i probably just being
anxious about everything. you know, without a job, and your dear is not around. well i guess actually i m the
one who is worried, and not much ppl realize what's going on with me. sometimes its like... hopes up and
you do lots of prep, then ppl just tell you that no no. its not a right job for you. frustrations. then, you dont know
what to expect. i guess what i have to learn to do is to bitch less, and suck it up.

i wrote about my birthday is coming so soon next week. i mentioned to Shan before. she suggested going to
a cafe to have a small party or something. Dida suggest to have something bigger, but i dont know if its gonna
work since Mable and he got so much problems. then Kin mesged me asking about that too. i have no ideas
what i would like to do on the 13th. Ella replied on Facebook about shocking to be 24 this year. but i m gonna
be 23, not 24 yet. hummmm... i guess after 25, there just wont be excitement at all to celebrate birthday.
i already feel like getting old... it doesnt feel good. especially seeing Ella being a mom now, i am like.... hummm...
what the heck.... i m struggling to get a job right now, at my age is normal, but its just not normal for me, Castor.
but Ella already has her own business, married, and has a daughter. i saw some old schoolmates getting
married and i m still... semi-single. i just kindda think about .... what if i m still single in the coming 5 years,
i would be 28. i would be so freaking old =( and of course right now i could only laugh it off... HAHAHA.
well... guess i would just play harder since i still have 2 years left till heading to 25... but haha i m always
''playing safe'', would i be able to really play play play? i guess so if i want to. why not. once awhile, it should
be fun. but what i need now is a job.

haha i still remember when he showed me this song, i was like guessing what it is about..
then when i realized the name and the real meaning of this song, i just... laughed.
F-U-C-K- ME. yea, i miss that.

If You Seek Amy..


This version is kindda funny


>>June 7, 2009 at 8:53:33 PM GMT+8

2009 年 6 月 5 日 星期五 【晴】

last night when i came home, my feet were so painful.

yesterday, i got ready, then went to TST to dad's office. i did some photo copy, then i went to Wan Chai.
i went to the HKTDC office. there were many ppl waiting for the interview. i was there filling the application form.
then, waited for almost 2 hrs. the applicants there looked very... cold. like... they look smart and cold. i was
probably one of the youngest there. the human resources ppl were very nice and friendly, but those applicants
were not very friendly. anyway, i took the interview. hummmmm she asked me a few questions..
she asked me if the client doesnt wanna buy ad with us, has no interest, then what i would say..
i said.... i would need to see why he has no interests, and working on that direction, to see what we can
provide him, and try to give him some special offer... blah blah.. but at the end she told me i m not from the
marketing background, so what i would like to do actually, sales and marketing or psychology. i lied to her
that i want to do sales and marketing in the coming 10 years. anyway, i didnt know it was a sales job,
i thought it was a business executives job, like officer, but no. and the basic salary is $5500 with no benefits
or sick leaves. so... yea... just an experience.

i didnt came home right after... i went to Sha Tin.. i went to Marks & Spencer. i was looking for a tie for
Stephen. his birthday is coming quite soon. mine is sooner but yea.. then i was walking around there.
i wanted to buy it elsewhere, coz its a bit expensive there. but then... i m not very good at picking tie..
i think being safe is better haha.. my budget is really really tight, but i chose a very good one.
there were two, very hard to decide which one to get... but then i chose this one. hopefully he would like
it. it should be okay... i think. i spent an hour walking around in the department. and its very expensive for
me at the moment, so it better be okay.

then i went home. i cant describe how pain my feet were. i love wearing heels coz it looks very nice, but
i also hate it coz it is really really painful. i couldnt walk from the station to home, so i took a taxi. again,
its the money i shouldnt spend. so.... i really would love to work in Starbucks soon. really, seriously.
then also, i m applying to Fedex. i just sent the applications few days ago, but i m so impatient already.
i dont know if i should just apply to Starbucks right away. but i probably would do it tonight or tomorrow.

i miss him so much... i just e-mailed him..

when i was on the way home, i was thinking what else i can do. i wondered what if i didnt leave Van.
when i was there, i thought... i thought i couldnt do much, but after back to HK, its the same.
actually, should i have came home?
when i was there, i thought when i came back to HK, at least i would have a job, also i wont have to worry
about my identity. i didnt have a real job there, and i had nothing much to do. but i was with him everyday.
i wouldnt miss him too much. but when i am here now, i do miss him so much, but... i still cant find a job,
and even though i am qualified for the job, they still dont want me. what am i supposed to do? keep trying
i guess. life is tough, it is really tough.

i think about what is happening in the world.. i watched the news on tv, i read on line...
i know i m not the only one struggling in this world. there are much more ppl facing worse situations.
i shouldnt complain so much actually. i really miss him so much, i'm waiting.. and life has to go on.
castor, castor, castor..

i'm not a princess, this aint a fairy tale.
this isnt hollywood, this isnt. its reality.

>>June 6, 2009 at 10:00:45 AM GMT+8

2009 年 6 月 4 日 星期四 【晴】

i am going to the recruitment day later.
i m a bit afraid. i just need a job.
i m going to dad's office to do some photo copy, gotta mail some applications tomorrow.
there are a few openings at the universities, psychology teaching assistant and research assistant.
i started sending letters since yesterday. but i m getting more impatient now.
i want a job that can give me some income right now. i really need money right now. i really do.
i m not gonna ask money from my parents, and so i really need a job now.

okay.. i should get going now..
i chose a light blue stripe short sleeves shirt, a navy blue with dark blue stripe skirt,
with a pair of classic dark color high heels. basic, clean, and neat.

>>June 5, 2009 at 4:45:32 AM GMT+8