2009 年 9 月 9 日 星期三 【晴】

i'm coughing coughing and coughing..
it's so funny, coz i only cough in the morning when i got up and at night before i sleep..

i got up early today.. got 2 classes in the morning. i wasnt participating well.. have been sick.. not quite in mood..
cant really sing, and dont wanna hold too close to the kids.. so.. yea... then after medicine i got really tired..
yea.. two lessons could almost take most of my energy for a day..

then i went to McDonald's to get my grilled chicken salad.. yummy.. my second time this week already.
but only like... vege with some slices of grilled chicken.. but it really fills me up. i'm just craving for green and
also some chocolate food... dont know why... i love plain biscuits but these days, so so only. strange.

then yea, i took the salad home ... and i saw Miki on the way home.. we took a taxi, i couldnt walk.. too tired..
then having my salad for lunch, checking mails, then i just watched tv and fell asleep on the bed... i took an hr nap...
i got up and dressed up again for another 3 classes i was expecting.. then i rushed back to work..
it was windy outside.. it's typhoon no.3 but it was not raining. yay. then... i got there, and they told me no classes
for me. i was like why? thy said they never had the classes on Thurs. i was confused coz the queen asked
me to come working on Thurs. then.. they said no.. whatever... then they said they would ask her to call me..

i went to the bookstore... really wanna buy a book, but i really dont think i should spend any money till i could
get my salary. coz the thing is.. i need to get the ticket, and i'm soooo worried that i might not be able to make it
since i might not be able to get the salary from CityU this month. i was so stupid...

then... i went to the supermarket, i bought some chocolate chips cookies.. wanna get some soya milk but they
dont sell the brand i like there.. so... hummmm i need to go all the way to another store to get my soya milk.

i came home.. resting.. then watched a movie.. quite funny.. then just now... after dinner..
i check mails.. then i got an e-mail from the Facebook. they notified me that someone has used my pic as his
profile pic. i was like WHAT?!! that's creepy! so i immediately mesg that guy through Facebook to ask him to
take that off since i dont know him at all, or otherwise i am going to report to Facebook and other organizations.
then i found that actually i could check the original pic they he used from me... then i found out that was a pic
of my old primary school pic.. he tagged himself there or he was tagged there.. and he's my old school teacher.
i had no ideas who he was coz i just didnt realize the spelling of his name in Eng.. and i wasnt his student..
the only reason i knew him coz... when i was a prefect, i made a very big mistakes. i punished a schoolmate
by asking him to use his hand to cover his mouth, since he was too noisy? then this teacher was like... asking
me into a room alone with him. then he started asking me what happened, he was yelling and scolding me..
i was only 9 or 10 y.o. i was soooo scared.. and i almost couldnt catch my school bus. i have this memory
very fresh coz i was really frighten and i was crying on the way home. that schoolmate's parents complaint
to school, and so that teacher yelled at me.

so anyway... i found that's him, so i just mesg again right after.. i told him i didnt realize that was him, and
i do concern on the privacy of my pics on Facebook blah blah. so it really got on my nerves. i asked him to
accept my apology and he could use that pic.

hummm..
tomorrow... i m going to CityU... got a 4 hrs shift there... doing some data stuffs again.. i would be learning
about a new program for doing stat in any kinds of research. nice. hope it would be fine..
then i need to rush back to Tai Po for 1 class.. but then after class, i'm not going to swim.. cant be a mermaid
this week. haha. i really wanna learn how to swim beautifully, and i wanna learn to swim like a mermaid too.

well.. Ivy talked with me about Rosh.. i am getting very fed up working with her actually. Sunday class is like
a nightmare to me.. but i just gotta keep my working hrs steady and i wanna be professional.. sometimes i
dont understand Ivy as well... well... that's her way of dealing with Rosh and work.. so... nothing much i can
do actually. i just cant agree with the way she handles this anyway.

then she talked to me about her boyfriend... she's a really strong girl.. she would be like scolding her bf..
i dont know... when was the last time i was really scolding Stephen? i dont think it was any soon..
it must be very very long time ago. i remembered while we first knew each others.. we argued sometimes..
at that time i was still pretty straight forward to him, like really scolding him, but still not as strong as Ivy did..
these days? no way... i think i have been pretty patient with him actually.. and i guess he might be too.


Stop and Stare..
if fair isnt what i'm looking for, then what am i looking for?
yea.. there're more... something deeper i'm looking for.



>>September 10, 2009 at 5:33:54 PM GMT+8

2009 年 9 月 8 日 星期二 【晴】

i got up very late today.. couldnt get up really..
i was lazy to make up and stuffs.. just still very tired after medicine.
i'm still coughing.

i got ready to meet up with Dr.Li and Brian.. we had lunch salad buffet at CityU. it wasnt too bad.
Dr.Li's treat.. so... yea... we talked alot... then... i went to the library, continued on my job..
i got chocolate chips cookies with me today, and also a huge bottle of water.
i finished the whole pack of cookies today. i know it's a bit crazy, but i was really craving for some chocolate food.

then... i finished early today.. so i just went home... i came home... rested a bit then fell asleep..
i guess coz of the medicine... i got a few calls while sleeping... i ignored all of them. i'm too tired.

Ivy mesged me.. she told me about her bf... hummm... there was nothing much i could say..
i was just listening to her. well... she's stronger than i am, and she knows what she's the best for herself..
i guess she'd be fine.

i read a mesg from a friend on Facebook..
she wrote...
"you said i cared about you whenever i felt like to. this is insulting yourself and me. you have to remember this, no
matter what's going on, you have me. you have me and my love, how difficult can it be?" i was so tempted to reply
her, it's been so long havent talked with her. so i just left her a short mesge like... why...
i guess she must be very tired of something or very annoyed by someone.. it just reminds me of myself.
coz i'm the one always complaining about being neglected. somehow i could understand if she's being annoyed,
or too tired... especially when she wants some support from that person but getting complain instead..

but i wonder if she forgot to think from her friend's perspective. yea, no matter what's going on, he has her..
you love him, that 's supposed to be fine.. but life is difficult and that's true too. there must be some reason for
him to.... complain.. it's not really my business, but somehow i just think... if she did care about him, she shouldnt
have said such words in the public like... not even on a blog but on Facebook. i'm sure her bf can read it.

humm actions shows more than words.. if you're not showing what you said.. who would need your words?
it just becomes like.... lies or... not trust worthy. but showing in the way ppl can understand is hard.

if he said it's difficult for him, that must be difficult for him. i dont think a person would just create some complain
for no reasons. if she couldnt accept his complain or understand why he did so, then just thought that she's
giving him love and that should be fine.. no that's not okay at all. at least that complain is a way for him to express
what he needs from her, wether if she likes it or not... she should accept it and think about to discuss with him?
he's a guy... guys dont usually complain, yea? i am not going to talk with her too much or give her my opinion..
it's not really my business..


sometimes, i hate myself being so nice to ppl too.. coz not everyone would understand or appreciate your kindness.
then some ppl would even take advantage of it. sometimes i just want to be alone.. so at least, i dont have to care
so much about what the others think or feel.


Henry just called me at 1 sth just now.. i think it's crazy... he didnt have anything important to say..
he was just testing wether i could get his call or if it could show his id.. yes, i have told him i might not be able to
get his sms, and when he said he wanted to call me, i asked if his id shown, he said he didnt know.. but i didnt
care so much actually. it's nothing important to me. but then when he called, i was shocked. i was so direct to him..
i asked him why he called so late? he said something i dont understand.. i told him well, talk to him later.
i hung up.. i'm not that close with him. and i seriously think he should spend more time and energy with his gf, not me.
i dont want her gf gets crazy then came yelling at me again.


These used to be my fav songs.





>>September 9, 2009 at 6:01:16 PM GMT+8

2009 年 9 月 8 日 星期二 【晴】

yes, i'm very angry.

anyway..
pretty sick.. got 5 hrs work in the morning, another 5 hrs work in the evening till 10 pm. found some
funny things at work, then also saw some crazy parent scolding another parent in class. got some
weird parent in class as well. then evening classes were fresh to me. it was okay. not too bad.
tomorrow would have lunch with Dr. Li, then need to work in CityU.

i'm upset, but i'm going to bed.

>>September 8, 2009 at 4:56:25 PM GMT+8

2009 年 9 月 6 日 星期日 【晴】

i got really long sleep last night..
i was really tired, kept coughing...

i got up ard 12 sth or 1 ? couldnt remember..
but i the sms this morning ard.... 8 sth? i could only open 1 eye reading that... Ivy mesged me..
i just read.. and couldnt reply... i was trying to type but just typed half then gave up..
she called again... i took it... i was still sleeping... well... talked for a bit only then i slept again.
troubles at work.. not my problem... and i refused to go back to substitute either Ivy or Rosh..
i am coughing and pretty tired. i dont think i should go to work, especially they just called 35 mins before class start,
and i was still sick in bed.

i got up... then.... just checked mails.. wanted to do some work for Dr.Li but... the files are on the lap top at
CityU. and i couldnt remember where i should continue.

then i ate some breakfast, took some medicine... and.. i went to Shan's office to fax some doc to the SFAA..
then..... i stayed for a short while.. got a phone call from Ivy again.. then i left and went to the clinic again.
i was there last Fri... then today is Mon... yea.. sec time within 7 days.. but i'm not carrying swine flu. ha.

i have told mom i m thinking to go to Van before Japan for helping Stephen.. mom said she hasnt told dad about
it yet... hummm... but i would need to tell her that i'm really going in Oct. i wanna tell her this week. coz...
i'm running out of time..

tomorrow i would have a very busy schedule. i dont understand why the queen all of the sudden just gave
me a full schedule. she even told me the other day that she knew i was a good teacher, and so she didnt
want me to feel bad when i left there. she asked me to try to understand their situation. she couldnt let me
have as much playgroup classes as before, coz she needed to "train" other teachers. then now...
she only cut 2 playgroup classes, but she added 9 English tutorial lessons for me.. i was like... okay..
i dont know if i can handle that, coz traditional tutorial classes are really scary for me.. i cant be like the
other tutors there. i found them very rude to the students, they dont respect them. and i hate their teaching
methods too.. so... i m not so sure if i can fit in. but then she has asked me too if i've confirmed going to Van.
i said yes. then she asked what if the company doesnt hire me, if i would still go. i told her i dont know,
but it's 90% confirmed i would be hired. well.. i know the position i was gonna take is still opening. she didnt
promote other ppl. so... i dont know.. but i'm going to Van.

tomorrow i would have 2 classes in the morning in Tai Po, then... 3 classes from 5 30 till 9 30 in Nam Tin..
quite crazy... but i could have ard 4 hrs gap, actually only around 2 hrs sth.. same schedule for Tue, and Thurs.
then Wed evening classes, Fri late afternoon class, Sun morning class. humm i think that's pretty much.
but the thing is... it doesnt help the biggest problems i have. i need enough money by next week to pay my
ticket, and i need to let my parents know i'm really going, not joking or just planing.

some friends saw my pics on Facebook.. they especially like one of the pics there.. they left me comments..
i find it very sweet. yes, i do love kids. it's actually pretty fun to be with them. they are cute, and they create
troubles if you dont watch them. but sometimes i do let them make mess or troubles, so that they could experience,
and they learn better. sometimes... just gotta be very very patient, and try to understand what the actually need
instead of just spoiling them... then also need to give them enough encouragement, and appropriate punishment
if necessary... then the most important thing is the unconditional positive regards. even though they are very
small, but they do have their own personality and everyone is very special. if they like you, you become
someone they trust, and they always want to have your attention, compliments, and approval on what they want
to do.. it's actually very interesting.. coz beside teaching, i would need to take care of them as well.. its like
a caregiver somehow.. maybe it's not my main responsibility, but it just comes very naturally.
sometimes just gotta be very careful.. coz they do copy from the adult.. so, no violent punishment. the reason
to punish them is to let them to understand consequences, but not reinforcing them about violence. so...
when i punish them, i dont just put the kid into the dark room like many other teachers do... i dont do that..
coz for the adult, it might seem they cry, they get scared, so they would behave better next time.
but for the kids, it's not the same. they might get the idea that they shouldnt do the certain things, but at the same
time it makes them very insecure and want to defense for themselves more. so in long term, just becomes a way
to teach them to be more against the rules with their desires. some kids they dont even realize what troubles
they have made, then they were sent to the dark room alone, it could reinforce the insecure personality.
when kids cry or misbehave, there must be some reasons.. something they want or actually need.. so if the adult dont
figure out what the kid truly needs, then spoiled them, or already giving punishments, especially verbal or
physical violence, it's gonna be really bad. the kid would still do the same, coz it's nature for the kid to ask
for what he desires or to express what he feels in his own way. (at that age).. so if using the wrong
methods to communicate with them, it could create more parental problems or more chronicle influences in future.

working at the playland actually just like.... a great chance for me to apply what i learn from school before..
all the child development thing, psychology thing... and chances to see wether the theories are right..
then also.. i do take it as the training for myself.. ha.. getting more ready to be a better wife and mom in future..
that's one of the reasons why i love psychology and child development so much.. and also... if i could, i would like
to be a counsellor. not for making big money, though it would be a pretty high pay job.. just to do something for
our human spices, and do something for the society.

honey is on line... but... i guess i should go to bed first...

>>September 7, 2009 at 6:17:07 PM GMT+8

2009 年 9 月 5 日 星期六 【晴】

hi..

i am quite sick still. coughing and coughing.. then dry mouth dry throat..
i wore mask to work today..

i saw honey on line last night. we talked for a short while.. i miss him so much.
but actually when i talked with him, it's a bit hard to..... express how much i miss him.
i dont know if i was just shy... i think... it would be much better if i can just look at him and talk.
sometimes.... love should be shown in the one special way, which is with our body and mind together.
then, i mentioned about our anniversary. but then.... yea... i know... humm..
i told him we would meet up soon. i'm looking forward to it. i really do.

anyway, it seems very weird that i migh be the only one who doesnt celebrate with my
boyfriend about anniversary. i wonder what about my guy friends.. do they want to
celebrate with their girls or they actually dont want it? what if they do but they dont like to
actually? is it just the fantasy of girls? or... do guys actually find it very special as well?
maybe my question is a bit too general. cant really expect all the guys would be the same.
i guess there must be some exceptions... you cant force yourself to do something you
dont like or you dont feel comfortable with.. but you always have the choice to try searching
for one thing or one reason for yourself to see and experience the nice part of something
you dont like. maybe if you give a chance for it, you would start to like it, and like yourself more.

i thought if things are special, ppl would tend to appreciate them more.. but maybe in reality, we
are all very forgetful and selfish... we just tend to forget the good, nice, and warm feeling we got
from the others, then we just care about ourselves more than the others. is it just unavoidable?
or i'm just too naive to believe that if i'm good to the others, then others would treat me as nice?
fair, unfair, this is just a very difficult word to use. because no matter how i see things
from different perspectives, i just couldnt find the pin point or the balance.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

then, today at work... Rosh is just pissing me off.. i couldnt stand her anymore.. so.. i just reminded
her before the class start. i told her that she would need to stay after class untill everything done,
then we could leave together. she said she's not gonna wait for me doing all the phone calls.
she said she would leave at 12 15. i told her no. she would need to stay, coz we are not supposed
to split the job duties. and today we needed to distribute the assessment reports, so there's no
way she should leave earlier. she sais she didnt care. she asked me to work faster. i was pissed.
coz the freaking reason is SHE WAS NOT HELPING ME AT ALL while i had to do all that shit.

she was just hanging around then she would be gone. where the fuck was she when i was
busy dealing with the parents? i told her no, she left earlier everytime, and it's not right. then she
said she would leave at 12 15, she asked me to work faster. i told her even if she wanted to
leave at 12 15, DO NOT finish the class earlier for that. coz she did it every weeks. she said
she didnt wanna argue with me in front of everyone. i didnt say anything. for me, i was just reminding
her. she freaking need me to remind her everytime. i'm so freaking sick of it. so she should just
shut the hell up, and do her job. i was just reminding her, not even wanted to talked with her for
more than 30 secs. arguing? if i want to do it with her, i wont let it stop. i'm quitting, why would i
want all these troubles? she doesnt follow the dressing code. she's on phone always. this is her
freaking personal thing, and i dont complain even though i know they are wrong. as long as she
wouldnt affect me, THAT'S FINE WITH ME. but her working attitude is just soooo pissing me off.
always leave me extra work to do. who she thinks she is? she's late, she's slow and lazy. her
pay is higher than me, and she leaves earlier. she's a big liar. omg.. i m so patient with her already.
and today i couldnt stand her. i told Ms Ip after talking with her. i told her the situation, and i told her
that Rosh shouldnt leave earlier than me today, coz i've enough from her. Ms Ip understood, she
argreed and she said she would talk with her in person. but after class. that rosh just sneaks out.

i was so pissed. like she left me the dishes to wash while i was dealing with the parents and
the make up class schedule. she put the used wet wipes on the roll of the paper towel. it was all
wet, and the wipe was still dripping. i was like WHAT?! i asked Ms Ip to come in and look what
she did. Ms Ip was shocked and said she would report to the queen. blah blah... i told her so
now you know how i feel every weeks. it was much worse at the begining. but these days,
i dont care so much anymore. i refused to do the prep for her. so now she does it on her own.
and yes, she's late, and so the class is late to start too. she's a terrible teacher too. Ms Ip asked
the others to help with the dishes. i thank her so much. coz i have been washing dishes all the
time. and i even need to deal with the stuffs she "claimed that she couldnt do". then where the
fuck was she when i was busy? i'm done with her. i can totally understand she doesnt like the
policies here and the rules.. but the thing is. MAKE SURE you dont screw on your buddies at
work. you dont screw on your teamates. she does it everytime and she lies? i hate this =(

i asked Ivy if she had the same problems with Rosh. she did too. so the problem is not on me.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


i went home... worked on the doc for Dr. Li.... then... i went out having lunch with my parents.
we had dim sum... then we walked to Tai Po Centre... we did some shopping for dinner..
then walked home... i continued on the doc for Dr. Li... then also uploaded pics on Facebook.
i'm so tired.. and coughing a lot.. i think i need to go to the clinic again.

you know what i found today? i'm so stupid.. i messed up with the time sheet from CityU.
i might not be able to get my salary on time. it might delay, then i would need to wait till
next month. i feel sooooooooooooo bad about it. coz it's gonna directly affect me getting my ticket.
i dont know.. i would figure it out. sigh. stupid me..

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

anyway......

i'm just doing whatever i think i should do... and... i'm just... a human being.. i'm not superwoman
or anyone. i accept myself as in... there are so many things that are not within my ability or power.
i'm doing what i think it's right.. i'm doing whatever i can do.. i'm very tired... and i hope what
i'm doing is right, and it would worth.

no matter how strong i might seem to many ppl, i'm just a little woman.
i just want to be happy, want to be loved and cherrished, want to do good for the others in my life.

>>September 6, 2009 at 3:34:29 PM GMT+8

2009 年 9 月 5 日 星期六 【晴】

i'm coughing like hell...

yesterday...
i got up, i didnt go to CityU, then mom and i went out for breakfast.. i had hotcake at McDonald's.
mom asked about my plan in future... i told her about going to Japan next year.. she started asking
me lots of details.. i couldnt answer her, so... i didnt tell her about going to Van in Oct.. i want to
do it tomorrow or the latest on Monday.

after breakfast i went to the clinic... i started coughing already... and my voice was so so..
i saw my student there.. with her mom and maid.. it was kindda funny. she looked at me, she
recognized me, but then she didnt speak to me. maybe she's shy... thinking why her teacher is
there. anyway... after that... i walked around... bought some bread said hi to Shan then went
home... i was not feeling well... pretty tired... then i worked on the doc for Dr.Li....
then i walked down to the playland... just for distributing the assessment reports to the kids i used
to teach, also needed to take some pics with them. it was fun.. the parents came taking pics
with us as well..

then Ivy and i went to Tai Po centre... she had dinner, i had some grapefruit squash...
then we went swimming. haha.. thanks her soooo much... i did much much much better than
last week. i could float and swim a bit... and i was learning to swim like a mermaid at the last
15 mins. she was like... Cas... let's play, let's try something new. i was like "Mermaid??" haha..
then she said yes. i was soooo happy. well, we did have lots of fun swimming.. althoug she's the
teaching me, but she did have lots of fun looking at how stupid i was. we laughed alot..
and once i was sinking really like a dolphin, we just laughed... i was so stupid and i guess that
made me look very funny.. then i told her maybe that's why my boyfriend always gets pissed off
by me.. but then she said maybe he liked me this way. =) i dont know, maybe. coz sometimes
he smiles too. ahhh i miss him..

i got up early... couldnt sleep well.. then i took some medicine then watched tv for awhile..
i went back to bed.. laid down then slept again.. i got up again.. got ready to go out with my family.
we had dim sum... then... went to Ma On Shan... mom's dad's birthday dinner... it was okay..
got to see lots of aunts, uncles, and my cousins... it was not too bad, chatting with them..

i checked the ticket price... i want to take AirCanada, but it's too expensive. Cathay is even more
expensive. so i guess i m gonna take KoreanAir... hummm... need to save up money for that..
going to buy the ticket pretty soon actually. so i would need to tell my family about my plan.
omg.... i feel pretty bad about this.. coz... i'm gonna make them feel so bad.. but that's my plan,
and its not only about me. it's about honey and i as well.. so... i cant just give it up.

anyway... i havent heard from him for awhile already.. i miss him so much..
i just got lots of feelings recently... like........ i'm living my life here... but i just thought of Van
so much, then i just thought of him and the time we had together. where we went, what we
did, every single things that he touched my heart... his smiles... the moments when he was
sharing with me, when he was being himself. i just miss him so much. but now.... i know i'm going
there anyway, all i need to do is to tell mom about it... but then... yea... when he's not around,
it just doesnt feel right. humm..

>>September 5, 2009 at 4:37:10 PM GMT+8

2009 年 9 月 2 日 星期三 【晴】

hi.

i couldnt sleep last night... i was really tired but couldnt sleep.
then i got up at 6 am this morning.. its like 30 - 45 mins earlier than usual.. i was really tired and stressed.

i got ready to work... just didnt feel right..
i didnt drink coffee this morning, just have some honey green tea... i couldnt really speak. i lost my voice.
i insisted to go to work coz if i dont work, then i wont be paid. so.. i just took 2 lessons.. hummm it was okay.
i couldnt sing, couldnt talk loud. the kids and parents could barely hear me.

i saw the queen.. we had a conversation. she finally gave me more lessons, 16 hrs to 20 hrs a week till i leave.
but then the location would be different. well... i accepted her offer. this is much better than before, and i think
this is much more fair to me, but still wouldnt make her lose anything.

i got no chance to tell mom today.. but tomorrow would be.... a great chance i hope.

i'm coughing now and couldnt speak.. but this morning i got work, then the clinic was close at the afternoon..
i guess i would go seek a doctor tomorrow morning.... then i'm still working on Dr.Li's doc.. hummmmmm...
then Sat is the due day... but then i need to go to grandpa, mom's dad's birthday dinner.. i wanna go, not like last
week dad's dad's birthday. sigh. bored and tired. i'm getting sick of what i'm doing actually.

i came home this afternoon after lunch with Ivy... well.. she asked me lots things about her position..
what she's supposed to do at work, i was explaining to her what to do could improve the course and other
stuffs, but then i was also holding myself back from telling her too much.. i guess it's just like... well....
i would help her and... might be able to giver her some suggestions, as a friend.. but then... since we have
chosen different direction, i dont feel like to you know.... help her everything, then she's the one gonna
enjoy her fruits, but then if there's anything wrong, i would be blamed. i dont want to get involved so much.
then she kindda said in a funny way to me that she thought i really look like i'm leaving soon. for me, i'm just
a lame duck... i wouldnt mind to do my job well before i go.. but at the same time, i do have my concerns
on everything right now. and i have lots of stuffs on my mind.. and i'm not gonna tell her everything anymore.
i guess she's the same too. now she's promoted... she does have her responsiblity, and i'm not gonna risk
that with my benefits i'm fighting for my own. she was like... so indecisive and it's all depending on her
mood and benefits. yes, that's reality, and that's why i cant trust her as much anymore since she all of the
sudden signed the new contract with them. sometimes i kindda feel like she wants to stay in the middle and
trying to get me speaking what's on my mind, what i think of this and that... then she encourages me to fight
with them, she said she would be on my side... yea right, when i was doing that, what did she do? she just
signed the new contract with them. i wont tell her everything. i wont. i reminded her, if i ever complain to the
education bureau, she might be involved since the courses was designed by her. and we all know the
course is a fake one from the original one. so... yea... conflicts yea?

i came home.. then rested a bit.. then i laid on the bed... i fell asleep while watching tv..
i m really tired.. and i cant speak. i took a long nap... got up and checking mails again... started working for
Dr.Li but bleh..... so bored..... then yea... Ivy just forwarded me some pics from today lesson. ha.. thanks..
i like the kids so much. having dinner... i'm thinking if i should work over night tonight.. then tomorrow would
go to the clinic. i'm very stressed these days... especially coz of the resignation and... you know i need to
tell Dr. Li next week, and thinking about not terminating my contract there. i'm thinking to work overseas for her.
and then.. yea need to talk with her.. and also... please, Cas... tell ur mom tonight or tomorrow..

what about honey? i dont know... i hate myself being like this.. he better shows up soon too..
i wonder how long i can hang on like this still... then.. i watched tv just now... the woman said...
when there something cant be proved, or cant be explained, there you can only choose to believe him or
not to believe him. for me, that's so true.. and that's why i have been placing my trust on him.
Cas,.... please be patient and you need to ask yourself, do you still trust him...
and i really hate myself being so weak like this... why dont i just go out with different ppl every nights?
why dont i just do whatever i want and spoil my freedom when i'm alone here?
but Cas... you really need to think through these... what are you doing... is it really what you want?
please be patient.. if he would come back, he would come back. do you trust him? when he trusts you
that you would go back, do you trust him back, and support him when he needs time and space for his own?

>>September 3, 2009 at 2:29:46 PM GMT+8

2009 年 9 月 1 日 星期二 【晴】

hi..

i couldnt get up today... too tired..
i cant really speak, i'm losing my voice..

i got up late, then got ready going to the labour department.. asking for more information..
i guess there's nothing much i can do. well... the contract doesnt protect me actually. it's so unfair.
then i hang around Ikea.. coz it's just next to the Gov bulding.. hummm i came back to Tai Po..
hand lunch with Karen. it was okay. i had some salad at Shaky. it wasnt very nice actually,
not very fresh. then haung around with Karen... then we seat at Starbucks.. i had some almond
soy milk.. it was okay.. i talked with her about going to Canada. she understands my side and
also explains to me why my parents would say no. of course i can understand, she knows it
too... so she just wishes me good luck... she's so funny.. she said let's see how i 'm gonna
make it work, then she laughed. i was like... yea, right. HAHA.

i came home.. i didnt seek a doctor.. dont wanna waste money on that... in fact i saw lots of
nice shoes and clothes today, pretty good price but i didnt get any... cant afford to waste
any money. i need money to get my ticket.. actually i need to tell my parents this week..
then i'm gonna get my ticket really soon perhaps in a 2 weeks. i'm kind of worried.
honey is not on line these days.. so...... i dont know what he's up to as well.. humm..
i feel kind of weird and of course a bit worried... but what can i do?

tomorrow i would go back to work.. and i would need to accept their conditions. it's kind of bad.
i want more lessons, you know.. not more more more but it seems like... i dont know what to
say. coz they do have the right to arrange my schedule, unless i could show the solid evedence
that they cut down my hrs unfairly with purpose. which now i couldnt really be sure if my
evedence would be strong enough. coz they do have their reasons as well, which is like...
not black and white showing they are right or wrong. then if i lose, i would need to pay for the
penalty. ahhhhh i hate it so much. the contract is really bad.

anyway, there're so much work to do for Dr.Li this week... but i didnt go back to CityU today..
i dont have to go back this week, i just need to work at home..

then yea.. i dont know... where is my honey anyway?
then i remember Karen had told me before... like.... if ur bf doesnt spend time with you, then
you gotta find something to do, cant just let him being the most important person in your world.
yea... that's right.. i have my life too.. but it just doesnt feel right. well.. coz we are apart, right?
and today is not the first day or first time.. anyway... i dont know.. it's like so many things
have been going on... and it's getting closer and closer for me to go over... and i need to face
my family and quitting my jobs, and need to think about lots of stuffs about going over... then
now he's not on line again. it kindda feels like i'm alone facing all these.. but then he did help me
about talking with the queen about my resignation.. but still... i have no ideas what's going on.
i hate myself being like this. but then if i dont love him, i wouldnt even care to do so much things
to fly over and blah blah. but i really hate myself being like this, you know..

>>September 2, 2009 at 11:23:02 AM GMT+8

2009 年 8 月 31 日 星期一 【晴】

i fall sick finally.
i think i need to seek a doctor tomorrow..

it's been quite stressful and really tired, coz i need to think through everything about my resignation and the schedule
problem with the school. it's really terrible as in.... how come i would need to fight so hard for what i deserve..
i mean... i deserve a fair deal on my resignation too, if i have my rights on this, how come i would need to fight so
hard for this? because there're so many bad business ppl making so many unfair decisions.

Ivy she has decided to work for them. i felt like.... being betrayed by her, even though i could understand it's reality..
but then.. she told me she felt guilty coz she's worried she made a wrong decision. i told her there's nothing much
she can do now. if she has signed it already, then she has to follow the rules and simply be their ppl. i wont want
her to get involved with anything i do with this company now.. i wont mind to tell her parts of it since it's important
for her to know as well.. but i wont tell her everything or anything details. i dont mind to help her at work.. afterwork
we are still friends.. but then...... coz things are quite complicated at the moment, so i would try to avoid talking with
her about these now. just gotta be careful about it.

these days... i'm so lucky that honey has been helping me on this, he has been giving me lots of advice.
he's very helpful. i find myself very lucky as in... beside my family, my bf or future husband would be the most
important person in my life... and so... this person must be someone i could count on. i'm not saying only relying
on this person, but at least if i would need some advice or deal with different problems, he would be the one
i would talk with no matter what... so... if i cant count on this person, then i would need to count on myself for
everything for the rest of my life. then of course, i wouldnt want to be relying on the guy only.. coz it might also
make him very stressed being with me.. i want to be inter-dependent.. i could survive as an individual, but then of
course hee hee it would be much better if sometimes i could count on the guy i love, and then if he needs me,
i can help him and assist him. hee. honey is a highly intelligent person, and that's actually really attractive to me...
i guess no girls would say no to the caring and sensitive guys.. but for some reasons... i got some stereotype that
sensitive guys are not strong enough to be the guy i might be with.. but then yea... my friends always tell me
that if the guy isnt willing to listen to them then these guys would tend to be more selfish and self-centre.
anyway... i really would like to thank him.

yesterday... i went to the labour department in the morning... it's kindda complicated... then i came back to Tai Po
to meet up with Ivy for lunch... then of course i wasnt really enjoying the lunch time with her coz all of the sudden,
she just told me she has signed the contract with them. well.. as a friend, i wish her good luck, and before i left,
i would help her for sure. we could still go out sometimes... but other than that... i'm gonna becareful with our
different direction now.. sigh.

i went to the post office as well.. finally sent the post to honey =) hope he would get the post soon..
well.. Sep... early Sep is our anniversary... i guess it should be around the first week of Sep which is now. haha.
but then he's not on line these days... so....... i dont know..

then i went to visit my best friend, Shan... i told her my situation and i was pretty upset. i brought her some
chocolate.. we ate together.. then yea... talk about my situation as well.. thanks her a lot too.
i think i'm not a very strong person.. but... i cant just being weak all the time, right? thanks Shan and honey
have been helping me on this.. my mom always listen to me, gives me some little advice.. thanks her too..
but she didnt blame me for quitting the job.. and then this week, i would need to tell her i'm going to Canada.
i cant delay anymore..

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

today....

i went to work... hummm Rosh is such a.... bitch. it's not good at all to work with her. i dont wanna complain
about her but she's really... bad. i guess she thought that she's good, but then in fact she sucks. she messed
up our lesson plan for the whole month, just coz she didnt use her brian to think before just picking any topic
she likes to do. of course i didnt help her to prepare the teaching materials for today. what did she expect?
i helped her to take those from the file and put into the box so that she could just teach and do nothing??
fuck that no. i asked her twice to make sure she knows the topic of today. she argued with me, i told her
i would confirm with her again. then i did. and i was away doing some other work, then i told her the material
is already in the file, somewhere inside the file, so she just need to take it out and put it into the box for herself.
she didnt. and then when she was teaching the topic theme, i was like WHAT? why teaching this one?
i walked beside her and whispered to her not this topic today, and she said it's okay. i told her NO. this topic's
artwork prep might be not done yet. then i went checking the lesson plan schedule.. and the artwork was really
not there. i was like omg. i ran out and called Ivy asking if she knew if we might have finished the artwork prep
for that topic Rosh chose. she didnt pick up the call. i was like.. okay.. i checked what we could do today..
then the students came around me.. and the class became messy. and then lucky that i was fast.. i found something
else could do.. but then that Rosh, she didnt even ask about if there's any artwork we could do, she just asked
everyone sit down to the table for art time. i was like whatever, it's so lucky that i just find something in time.
what the fuck is she thinking??? what if i didnt find something, then everyone would have been sitting down at the
table already for doing nothing. why didnt she ask?? and the thing is she messed up the whole schedule.
after snack time, she just slacked around. she didnt start the story time till really really late. i was like reminding her
we're running out of time already. then after class, she left earlier, and left the work to me and the other new
girl. i really dont like working with Rosh. it's like she really doesnt know what she's doing.. and if i remind her,
she would be like... i'm doing alright, no i'm okay. for me, i really dont have any hope with her. i just do my job,
and report to Ivy about what happened. i guess Rosh really shouldnt blame me on this.

then after 2 classes, i really gotta go...
but then the queen was not at the office, so i couldnt talk with her.. it's really bad.. i called her, she didnt pick up..
then she called back.. sigh.. we had a conversation over the phone... but the king was hurrying again and again.
then..... anyway.. it just didnt work out. i'm going to the labour department tomorrow morning.

then i was late to go to CityU... so i didnt even have time for lunch at all... i was late, met up with Dr. Li...
i forgot to make reservation for the room at the library.. so i got no room today, only sitting around inside the
library. i couldnt concentrate on work today.. coz... the first thing i did was e-mailing honey... then i tried to
focus but i was sick... then i just gave up... i had my ginger tea and a hot dog ard 40 30... it's crazy..
it's so busy at CityU today. lots of students... so crowed. i saw lots of foreigner students and faculties..
really a lot... 30% of the students there maybe?

i left ard 5 30 or 6... i couldnt do it anymore... i m not feeling well..
then.. i came home... rested a bit then just fell asleep.. i'm losing my voice and coughing now..
guess not having swine flu... but must because i have been really busy and tired these days..

anyway.. yea... the queen called me just now... and wanted to make sure what my plan is.. she explained to
me again about her stand.. then........ i didnt say much. i just explain to her about mine too.. and then like what
honey told me... anyway.. hummmm i didnt compromise. i told her i would need to think about that first.
i would tell her tomorrow. actually.. this afternoon i did leave her a notice stating that we didnt finish our
conversation today, and she should write down the schedule for me black and white. i guess she sensed
that i'm going to take that piece of paper with me to the labour department. hummm she said i'm a good teacher,
and i should go to the labour department too if i need advice on my resignation. but... i dont know..
i guess i would need to talk with the labour department again tomorrow.

so yea.. i would go there in the morning, then... i would go seek a doctor.. then.. i dont know.. Karen might
meet up with me for lunch...

Henry has been messaging me these days.. it's like... yea i told him i dont hate him now.. especially after his
apology, i was fine to be a normal friend i guess... but then he keeps messaging me and asking me this and
that... i find it kind of weird as in... come on........ i'm not his girlfriend, he shouldnt spend that much of time
to care about me, especially when i'm not so responsive to him.. i just dont want the same happens again
... then her gf is gonna be crazy to me again... seriously, i'm not like that 19 y.o. girl who believed his lies anymore,
and seriously, i really have no feelings for him at all... i had enough, i was kind enough to him.

>>September 1, 2009 at 5:28:15 PM GMT+8

2009 年 8 月 29 日 星期六 【晴】

hi there..

today is a very... strange day.. as in... i got some bad news.

when i got up, everything was normal, so.. i washed up, made breafast and tea...
not feeling very well, so didnt have coffee today. then i headded to work.
i was there, no one's opening the door again.. Rosh is as late as usual, so freaking annoying.
i dont care. she showed up, students showed up, i have called the queen, and Ivy, no one
could help, coz that queen wasnt picking up calls, Ivy couldnt do much as well.
then we waited till Ms Ip coming to open the door which was like after 10 am.
i wanted to leave by 10 05 am, since i was supposed to be there at 9 30 or 9 35 am to prepare
for the class, and its supposed to start at 10. especially that Rosh is not helpful at all, she doesnt
do anything, which means i have to do two persons job within 30 mins, which is very hard
already. if no one was there to let me in by 9 35, then i would be soooo stressed.
and today isnt the first time already. w.t.h.

so we just quickly finish the lesson. Rosh is just... bleh.. i dont even wanna talk about her.
she's bad, a little bit better but still pretty terrible. i guess coz now she's taking the post which
i didnt accept, and she didnt know i'm gonna leave.. so her attitude was not as horrible.
that's just what i guess and it doesnt really matter. all i care is if she's gonna leave me mess
to take care of and then if she's gonna just run away from her responsiblity. and of course,
she did. whatever.

the problem is.... the queen cuts down on my lessons, since she has confirmed my resignation.
i really hate it, and it's REALLY unfair and dishonest whatever reasons she holds. that's BULL SHIT.
she said in Sep, that's a new semester, and so they dont want the students would need to
have a new teacher in Oct. Bull Shit. it's not a real school program. it's playgroup. those kids are
not in a real school as well. they are not registered as a real school as well. what the hell is she
talking about. she is just cutting down lessons on me. i might go to the labour department to make
a claim tomorrow.

i just checked on the education bureau... this school is really bad. it's a long story..
they did register, but they have changed their name, and they didnt update it. they havent updated
their courses and school fee with the department as well. which means either they are running
the programe without approval, and/ or the premises and information they submmitted to the
department were just the fallacies. it's like NONE of the information there was right.
Ms. Ip could get into trouble beside the queen and the king, coz her name was shown there
as the principal and also the supervisor of the principal. this is just really stupid. the courses
and price they got approved were only limited to their tutorial classes, and also the valid date
of those proves was already end on the 28th of this month. but no matter what, the playgroup
course is not included on their premises with the department. and also the staff number and
information of the staffs were not true, and so does the insurance. so... if i'm going to complain
to the education bureau, they are gonna be in a bigggggg trouble. also the labour department..
i'm not sure what they are gonna do. but... yea.. i'm thinking about what to do next.
i have also writen an e-mail to Ivy. she might go with me to the labour department since she
might have the same issue with this company.

hummmm i dont wanna make it big... but... it's been like... so much problems with this company..
the vagueness and the ambiguity, blah blah.. look how they treat us.... it's just bull shit..
i can just let go with it, but then i followed the contract, gave them 2 months notice, but i didnt do
it for them to cut down on my classes and income before i leave. they just shouldnt do that, coz
it's so unfair, very improfessional, and very very dishonest. that's why i'm not letting go with it.
i cant stand them doing this to me coz i have been a really good employee who doesnt deserve
such thing for my resignation.

i wanna talk with honey, coz it's gonna directly affect my income and then i dont want it to affect
me paying for my ticket. it's just like.... so bad. however, i havent got the chance yet... i miss him
so much.. i e-mailed him this afternoon... but then... i guess tomorrow i would need to go to that
school to confirm if they are really going to cut down more classes on me.. then.. yea...
i really want to talk with honey first.. sigh. i guess i should e-mail him again tonight..

why... why things have to be sooooooo complicated?

>>August 30, 2009 at 1:17:25 PM GMT+8