these days, i have been wondering actually i should go home.
not because i dont love him, but i should go home.
i dont know if i m being selfish if i m gone, but i know if i continue staying, things would
probably get even worse.
if he would love me to be here, why would he be so stressed out and angry when he
sees me in the house? he said he tried to avoid me leaving. why then i dont see him
happy to keep me here? if he is not happy to have me here to see me here, why keeping
me while if i m gone would make everything much better? he said he tried so hard to
keep me here. he is paying so much and he couldnt afford having me but hes trying.
i told him i have thought about going home i shouldnt be here, he said he was avoiding
to have me leaving. he said in the past when he didnt want me here he just asked me to
leave or let me go, but this time he didnt. i know. but right now.... i dont know what i should
tell him.
everytime i see him in the house, hes like so angry at me or really doesnt want to see me
around the house. whatever i do is wrong is irretating him, in this case, i really dont get
it why he didnt let me finish what i had to tell him, 'i should go home.'
he has no longer invited me for anything, anything happening around the house.
maybe coz she was here, and he worried me making her uncomfortable. actually maybe
he should look at her how she looks at me when i see her. she does make me feel extremely
uncomfortable that i dont know how to handel that, and so i have to stay in my room,
or try to ignore whatever it is and being invisible by myself. and at that time, my bf only knows
how to complan to me how rude i m being unfriendly to his guest. when everyone is having
fun, i m all alone sitting in my room crying. i m the one unwelcomed. and i know why i deserve
this. coz i dont know how to handle or how to deal with my bf's gf's dirty look.
i dont want to be rude, and so i hide. i m terribly sorry for my unattractive unfriendly behavior.
i know right now, i cant help him to make any money. i cant make him happy, and he is only
stressed when he sees me. i know when a couple is facing huge problems, they are sticking
with each others, they might be the stressor of each others, but they would still stick with
each others. they do that because they have to, yes they have to, but not being forced to.
they are happy to, because without each others, days would be much more difficult for them.
they are together as in one unit as a team. for us, i dont see that. i see that he is blaming me
for everything. if i can fix the problem then he would be happy, otherwise its all on me.
thats how i feel, and this is not a couple supposed to be.
or maybe i should read his words in another way.... when he said he's avoiding to ask me to
leave, maybe he meant i should leave without him asking? or... maybe he is punishing me
now? its not like i m allowed to work at any places. if so, i would be busting my ass, much
more hard working than him to just to cover the lost of his. but i cant. then what can i do?
just sitting here being his burden, being my family's burden, wasting time and being blamed
being punished by him everyday? this is not right. i m not a garbage. i can work, i can make
money, i m not a stupid person, i can have much better contribution but right now i cant do
anything. i m soooooo guilty and desperate everyday thinking about what i can do but i cant
come up with anything, at the meanwhile my bf is being so mean to me. when i open my
eyes in the morning i wonder what a same day again. sleeping is the only time that i could
get away from my worries and pain. i have wanted to go home since long ago... but who
made me wanna stay even though its so tough for me? him. and now its him being so mean
and rude to me. blaming me not able to make enough money. what am i supposed to do?
i have been thinking to talk with him to tell him, but i worry what he would think. i understand
he is probably feeling bad and worried about the same stuffs as me, probably trying to
figure different ways to watch the budget or even usinging extreme ways to make money.
i know these all, and thats why i dont say anything to increase his stress. just let him do
whatever he has to do without me bitching at him. but is that why i deserve to be treated
like that? if it could change the situation maybe, but its not helping. it cant bring the money
in to solve problems.
i m not an angel or someone who can read his mind... but for being with him for 4 years,
living with him these days, seeing his every sides... i know who he is, and no matter what
he does, right or wrong for me, i still stand at his side. but right now, i just... i m just not
sure what i should do. i m so sorry i just dont know what i should do..
>>August 4, 2010 at 11:12:12 PM GMT+8
2010 年 7 月 29 日 星期四 【晴】
Hi there,
its been awhile i havent come back.
i have been pretty upset almost everyday,
but the difference now is that i dont really show my tears or sadness to anyone in this house.
it might be a good thing to them, but its not good for me.
my life becomes pretty dull and lonely. its always lonely anyway.
sometimes i even talk to myself, so that i have someone to talk with.
its kind of creepy, but they dont know coz i m speaking in chinese. they wont get what i am
saying anyway.
that girl is going home all of the sudden. i was always thinking i would be leaving earlier than
her. or i might just leave next month or in Sep so then she could move in. but no... she is going
home next month. at the same time, something bad happened in her family, she was soooo
sad. she was crying so loud on the phone with him.. i heard it. so the next day i bought her
some candies from the candy shop. i dont hate her although i dont want to see her at all.
but when i heard her crying like that, i just wish i could do something to make her feel better.
but then yesterday when i saw her, she was totally fine. then i was going to tell him i got her
candies. he stopped me. i was so shy and didnt know how i should give her actually.
but i kept encouraging myself to tell him i got her candies, coz i want to be nice to her.
i tknow she probably doesnt like me or doesnt want to see me for sure, but still... something
sad happened to her, thats not what i want to see... i just want to be nice to her.
but then turn out actually being nice to ppl is very hard. i insist to be nice coz i m like that..
but well... the candies are sitting in my cabinate now. i might give it to Mami instead.
Mami invited me to firework but i didnt go with her... not that i dont want to hang out with
her.. i want to see firework too... but....... he didnt really let me. i was quite upset but... i could
understand. then she invites me to the parade this sunday, i want to go, i havent replied her
yet. but i guess he is gonna be pissed off.
sometimes.. i dont know why... i got the very strong feelings that he is punishing me.
he doesnt invite me for anything anymore, not for dinner, not for drink or movie, nothing.
anythign happening in the house is like totally detached with me. i m like a total extra person
here. i tried to be nice to him. in fact, my feelings towards him is like changing... kindda like...
fading... but still... of course i care about him, but sometimes i do wonder if i still love him.
i cant really live with him. i want to go home. i cant live my life with him. i dont understand
why he doesnt let me go home, why he tries so hard to keep me here. for me, he is totally
being selfish. totally selfish. i just see it like... i dont want to see him this way, but from
what he is doing, like... everyday.... i could see some sorts of patten... and i just know
that with me, he is just being extremely selfish. i stop saying anything. i stop making any
complains, basically coz my feelings are dying. i have been patient, and try to be nice,
but all i see is..... a pattern of his style to... sort of manipulate me. i m so done with that.
i think he does love me, but what he has been doing is just.... not love. i hate to say it but
i think its very clear actually.
i m surprised that we had sex last night. its since...... a few months ago? like 3 months ago?
its crazy long. i do find it so pathetic, then today i see that girl here, and it just makes me
feel like.... its either trying to compensate me or just.... you know... ''doing his job''
i dont know what reason exactly it was.... i did wonder if coz he loves me and misses me
so we just did that... but then.... i cant trust thats true from what he is doing in the daily basis.
well, if i want just sex i could fuck many other guys so easily. my life is so fucking empty here.
living with the guy i love but i m not dating him. being with him is like....... being single but
not allowed to date other guys. its just.... insanely lonely. not even having my family,
not even having my career or study going... not able to hang out and have normal meals.
not even being invited for anything happening in the house. what kind of fucking life i m
living in now? i dont want to be here to be honest. i dont. i really dont. at first i thought i could
help him and i wanted to live with him... but actually... i couldnt help him and he doesn
want to live with me. he is happier with the others. he doesnt even hang out with me or
invites me for anything. why the fuck should i stay here? why does he keep me here?
i do want to tell him he should let me go home. i dont know if we would keep our relationship.
i dont think he is in love with me anyway. i dont see he does. if i m his wife for long i think i
could undrstand but i m not his wife. we are not married. i dont think he knows me, he
doesnt know me. he doesnt appreciate me, he cant coz he doesnt know me. he doesnt
know what he has.
i want to go home.
either she goes first or i go first... he knows i would go home. he knows my time here is
limited. he knows... but all he cares is...... his fun with some other girls. for releasing his
stress or whatever, then he should know what makes him happy and smile is not me but
them. he should keep them but not me. in fact, his actions show everything, he has chosen
them. then let me go home instead of putting on loads of extra stress by having me here.
i dont want to be anyone's burden coz i shouldnt be.
i just love him so much but... i just think all he needs isnt me and i dont want to be here
for him when he doesnt actually need me. i feel sooooo pathetic. i love him that i dont want
to give up our relationship but..... he really doesnt know me and doesnt know how to love
me. he doesnt. i dont know how i should love him when my heart is aching so badly.
i dont know what to do.
i will stop here, i need to go to bed.. and...
the only time i can relax myself, stop thinking about anything now is my bed time..
he doesnt understand i m stressed and upset everyday. i m so guilty to my family, to him
and to myself... i am really guilty and..... stressed. always in between if i should go home
tomorrow or stay... what about money... what about my future...
i miss him.. i miss having sex with him... but that shouldnt be a reason to make myself stay.
shouldnt be a way of his to compensate me or show his pity.
anyway i should stop...
brb.
>>July 31, 2010 at 10:01:35 AM GMT+8
2010 年 7 月 15 日 星期四 【晴】
>>July 17, 2010 at 7:57:53 AM GMT+8
2010 年 7 月 15 日 星期四 【晴】
i took a walk just now, had a hot chocolate and a cinnamon bun at Waves.
it should be a very enjoyable time for me, like a treat.
but i was crying. why am i so fucking lonely?
why dont i feel like i have a boyfriend at all? hen i look around... it's just... i find myself so pathetic.
if i m single, i think i could understand. but i am not. then where the fuck is my boyfriend?
he is with his another girl friend. wait a min... why am i out by myself that late? not coz i'm enjoying myself.
coz i m trying to escape! but i cant.
how many times a week?
not too many, 2 times maybe.. sometimes staying overnight.
then what's the problem? at least you have him for 5 days. no... those 5 days... it's like.... he is bored.
he is bored in those 5 days. i see him ard 2 hrs at night before he sleep.. and we usually dont have anything to
talk about... we are living in the same house, but we dont do things together, dont even eat together.
he's doing his thing, i m sitting in my room. weekend, he dates another girl, then he blames me being unhappy.
he is having fun with another girl, then comes telling me that's not fun. he is being rude to me then he said he
is being real and honest.
is that possible for you to have fun with someone, trying to make time to spend time with that person,
even you know it's gonna upset your gf/bf, but you would still do... then... you turn around and say you
dont care about that person? you want to know how she's doing at school and her homestay, about
her life and shit, and you tell me you dont care about her actually? she is ... for sex, but you are also her
best friend... so... friend and sex... you dont promise her anything but... you are developing something with
her, going to gym together, telling her your life and your old life... and you tell me that... she is not your gf
and you arent enjoying time with her, and dont care about her.... am i that stupid?
how much more can i take?
i cant anymore. i'm so lonely! i 'm sooooooo pathetic.
he is nice to me only before he is going to date her or after dating her.
how do i feel? feels like taking sympathy from him. it's so fake.
if he is bored with me in a sense that i become just someone like his family...
this is not right. he doesnt love me anymore. he doesnt. he doesnt see me in THAT way,
coz he is not interested, he doesnt want me THAT way anymore.
so, if i stay with him then i will no longer get THAT, no longer have fun THAT way.
it's not about physical illness, it's just total .... lost of interest.
lost of interest in THAT way physically and also... many other ways.
sometimes i really want to date someone else... so that i could understand how it feels...
but when i think about what i m doing... then... it's like..... how can i ?
i'm so fucking lonely. why???
i cant handle anymore.. i really wonder if this is it.
coz.. no matter what i'm gonna try... it's not gonna change anything. isnt it..
i cant be that lonely for so long, can i? what the fuck?!
you blame me not trusting you?
do you know how much trust i put in you that turns out causing me so much pain now?
do you know how much i trust and love you that causing me SO MUCH FUCKING PAIN NOW?!
>>July 16, 2010 at 7:54:28 AM GMT+8
2010 年 7 月 15 日 星期四 【晴】
Hi there,
we seem get back to normal. i have been thinking about him, i miss him.
but its very weird that i m shy when i actually see him. i m very nervous. i shouldnt be but i am.
last night, we were watching tv, he asked me to use more power and be more enthusiastic.
hummm... was he suggesting me something, like... i should show him i enjoy my time with him? i dont know.
but if that could improve our relationship then... yea... i really want him to know i do love him so much.
i do want him to feel it and dont be too bored with me. i want him to enjoy and have fun with me instead.
i m not a boring person, i am not and dont want to live in my own world. i want to be that attractive girl that
he used to fall for. i have never changed.
but how to switch my mood from hurt to happy, that's really... something i need to ask myself.
i m not angry, i m hurt. i m hurt coz i love him. but he doesnt see the joy with me but boredom maybe?
so, i gotta do something rather than just... being upset by myself. if he cant see, then i gotta do more to show him.
if he sees but still doesnt help us, then... i would know where the problem is. then i know what i should do.
ppl say... what you worry too much about the others, actually those are what you worry the most about yourself.
you might be sub-conscious aware of that, or you dont at all.
if you worry too much about the others dont love you, you probably dont really know how to love yourself too.
if you worry too much he's bored with you, which actually means you are way too bored with him.
if you push yourself showing love to the person you love, you actually want more love from that person.
overdoing it to convince yourself you are still in love with that person, or to hide the truth that you are not in love.
if you are acting strong, you are actually weak inside. you just pretend to be strong to defense yourself, or say
dont let your look (weakness) to betray you. all these are some examples from self defense mechanism.
yesterday there was a commercial... i wasnt paying attention to.. then after that i asked him a stupid question
which the commercial was just talking about. yea, i dont usually pay attention to commercial unless it's something
i have been wondering about, otherwise i dont usually care about commercial.
i dont know if i worry too much in general. i m very sensitive for sure...
i m this kind of person, i tend to think a lot about people. maybe that's why i m interested in psychology.
i m interested in everything about ppl, human behavior, emotions, relationship, human growth and development.
i m a very weird person in a way i dont usually see things from the perspective that ppl look at things..
i m not very good at that but i would usually come up with weird reasons and ideas ppl dont think about.
so, maybe that's why he doesnt understand me sometimes and he always makes fun of me.
anyway... i dont like to wine and cry about shit.. i m so tired of it already... i m so sick and tired of all the
bull shit happening. i want to be myself, and be happy, enjoy my life, do things that i want to do.
>>July 16, 2010 at 3:06:59 PM GMT+8
2010 年 7 月 13 日 星期二 【晴】
Hi..
i cried last night.
since they were home, i didnt leave my room really till she was gone and he was in a shower.
i was stressed about the body check, and he brought her home.
Leggy talked with me, she asked about the body check. then she said mom would send me something.
i knew he, Mami and her were having fun, so... i didnt want to leave my room, dont want them seeing me,
didnt want to affect them, didnt want him to think i'm giving them a hard time. so i was crying in my room quietly.
i didnt want to see anyone or talk to anyone.
i havent told him about my appointment yet. i was thinking to tell him when he was home.
i brought egg tarts home, i knew Mami likes it, Ayako likes it, he likes it.. so i bought 6.
but then he went home with her, then i just didnt feel like to tell him anything. it has been already hard enough for me
to share my feelings with him. then now... its like... i rather stay in my room last night.
i wanted some water, i wanted some fruit and bread, but i didnt want to see anyone so i stayed in my room.
it sounds really silly, i really dont understand how come my life here would turn out this way. it's just so not me.
it's painful, it's silly, it's just... i dont know what it is.
i cant tell my family about all these, i cant tell my friend about these... so.. i was just staying in my room crying.
i dont want to depend on my family, but i cant depend on him. i want to depend on myself which i cant.
i would like to depend on him but i dont feel comfortable to. i am not used to ask for help or ask for things i need.
sometimes i find myself like a guy in some ways, which could be bad in my case. but i dont know what i can do.
my friends are always asking me what i m doing here when i will go home. and i m very tired of the questions
because i cant tell them the truth. i used to be always honest with myself, with ppl, with what i say what i do.
i know what i can do what i should do, but here no... i m always wrong. then if i put others in front of myself,
i'm the one who would be stressed and the others dont understand. that's okay. others dont understand me thats
fine, but he doesnt understand me. then that's the problem. then he's the only person i can rely on here, but
sometimes i cant rely on him. then i cant rely on myself as well. when i cant even rely on myself, then what
can i do?
i want to tell myself our love is strong enough to overcome everything. but looking at him with her, then i question
myself i havent seen him having fun with me for soooooo long already. he must be so bored with me.
he can only seek fun with another girl. he is satisfied sleeping with another girl only. but i'm 24 only.
i'm not so old, i'm not that bad in bed. i dont look ugly, i dont look old. when i go out, guys check me out, girls stare
at me. when i go out, ppl asked me if i'm an artist. my friends love me think i'm fun to be with. ppl love talking with
me and hang out with me coz they feel easy and comfortable to hang out with me. i'm not that bad am i?
i remember he has asked me that if i thought he would risk our future for her someone he didnt care.
i think no he wouldnt risk our relationship for her. coz the problem is not on her.
actually maybe the problem is on me. there are lots of things she can do but i cant, she has but i dont.
i just want to stop all the tears, all the problems. if i have to compare myself with her, the problems would never end.
our relationship is going to fail. i have to let go of her, let go of the problems, let go of him.
but how do i let him go?
if he's the one no matter what happened, nothing is pulling me off from him, then how am i supposed to let him go?
''And all the time i act so brave, I'm shaking inside. Why does it hurt me so?''
>>July 14, 2010 at 10:23:38 PM GMT+8
2010 年 7 月 13 日 星期二 【晴】
Hi there..
After that crazy nightmare of Sat night, my life went back to normal.
on Sunday, we went to the gym together. i'm surprised that he invited me.
it was fun and i felt good after the exercise actually. but i felt kind of weird there coz i was the only girl there.
it wasnt busy and quite quiet, so for me i didnt feel as shy. it was good but it's a bit expensive for me.
i dont know if i can afford going there on a regular base. after that, we did some shopping and back home..
he made some drinks, and we sat at the patio for awhile with Mami... then we had a bbq, with Ayako also,
and Dave came over too. it was alright.
yesterday, i bought him some cookie from the bakery. i really wanted to tell him how much i love him.
basically i m always thinking of him when he's out. sometimes when i see him, i just want to give him a hug,
sometimes i want to kiss him, but i dont know why i m just very shy to do so. maybe coz i know he doesnt
really like it, and when i think of her, then i just stop.
yesterday i was going to ask him for some info about my body check.. i havent finished yet then he already
told me to go away, he said we have discussed on that before already. for me, yea long time ago. and i just
want to tell him i have some problems with that. nevermind he asked me to go away. fine. after that i just dont
want to talk to him at all. i did some research online, then... planned to go to the doctor's office today to get
info and make an appointment for my body check. then he said i couldnt just go there coz i m not in the program.
but for me, that's what i was told to do from my letter and on the government site. he was saying i was not in
the program, i could go to his doctor... alright, i could go ask for the info. then he said i didnt understand him.
i told him i understood, then he said i didnt. Jesus Christ, what was i supposed to do then? the government site
told me to go to one of those doctors on the list, and i found one very near home. so i wanted to go there
and ask for info and see what i should do next. he told me i couldnt, and i could go to his doc coz his doc could
do that for me. but on the letter it said i couldnt do it with my own doctor, i MUST go to one of those on the list.
then he asked me to go to his doctor and check if he could do the test for me and he said a bunch of things.
basically asking me to either going to his doctor or contact the doctor on the list. then he asked me if i understood.
i told him yes, and he said i didnt. he said i had two options blah blah. i told him that's what i meant. then he told me
to get a brain check. i was REALLY pissed off. it's like what's the point? if i m confused, then explain to me. if you
think i misunderstood then listened to me and helped me. telling me stupid or go away isnt helping me at all.
he is always like that. he said i wasnt listening. NO. HE WASNT LISTENING. he just likes to criticize and sometimes
even before understanding what i have to say. talking with him is like being confronted then criticism comes along.
for me, it's like... i dont think the government would assume visitor knowing to go to the clinic for reference to those
designated practitioners. of course visitor would just show up to their office for info and appointment. of course
those places would take cash or credit card for walk-in, the ppl like me. of course it doesnt matter wether the visitor
like me is in the program or not. so i really dont know why he was talking to me like that. i was really unpleasant
about his attitude. i just walked back to my room. i still massaged him before he slept, but i didnt really want to talk to him
at all. it's like... if you dont want to help or think you shouldnt help someone as STUPID as me, fine. but dont give me
attitude, or calling me stupid that's not helping me but make me feel really really bad. i dont know what to do exactly
with my body check coz i have no experience with that before. i dont know much about the health care system
here, if they dont take walk-in or dont take cash, then what am i supposed to do, when i m told to go there directly?
i'm just following the instruction on the guideline, why is it so complicated after his comments? then now he said i needed
a brain check. i really dont understand. what he actually expects from me. i'd never seen him speaking with Mami
like that or anyone. he told me i had communication problems, i m from another planet. that's very nice and helpful.
it's just really really frustrating when i need to talk with him. it's like he has zero patient talking with me. he wouldnt
try to understand, he wouldnt wait till i finish what i have to say. he's always interrupting then giving comments.
then he blames me not understanding him or calling me stupid.
after that, i'm just... SOOOO turn off. its like, forget it. i dont want to kiss him, dont want to talk to him, dont want to
see him. but if i dont go downstairs then he is going to say i m being bitchy at him.
this morning, i got up early to get ready going to his doctor to see what they suggest me to do. then before that,
my sister was on line.. then mom wanted to talk to me. she worries about my status here, and asking me why me
i need a check up, and in general my parents think i should go home instead. i was really stressed. on one hand,
i dont want to use their money anymore. on the other hand if i stop then i need to depend on Stephen which i dont
think i should. so... my mom asked me like if stephen can support my stay, if not then i should go home. for me, i cant
depend on the money from my parents and i cant depend on Stephen as well. and Stephen doesnt understand.
he gives me some money like for very basic necessary thing, like my phone bill and some personal stuff, and that's
not including food. and then.. it's either i dont eat anything but only bread, otherwise i think i should get my own food
somehow. it's like... so difficult for me, but of course he doesnt really understand.
sometimes i'm being polite and nice about different things at the house just coz i dont want to cause any problems
or inconvenience while i m staying here. and he doesnt understand. he thinks i m being weird or stupid. i didnt say
anything coz i dont want to increase his stress. and he doesnt understand. so i m really frustrated really. really.
i went to his doctor today, that clinic. they have 2 or 3 different doctors. i didnt see the staff we saw before.
so another one was talking with me. she told me they cant do the check up for me. then the other staff who we
saw before, she was back and said they MIGHT be able to help me. then the one who spoke to me said to me no
again. she asked me to go home to contact one of the doctors on the list, which i thought i should. so basically i
was rejected. then i went to London drugs to do my passport pics. it costs $12 for only 2 pics. then i came home,
had lunch, then walked to the medical center, which the doctor i chose from the list.. it was a clinic. then i talked
to the staff there, she arranged me an appointment. simple, done. it's very expensive though. so.. i dont know..
i dont know if i should call Stephen's doctor or his staff directly to see if i can do there, but then his name is not
on the list, and the price didnt seem like including everything i needed. so... i dont know.
i think i m very stupid, there're lots of things i dont know in general... especially about the rules and systems here..
then i dont speak the language very very well. i can communicate but i'm not native, then i have all sorts of
communication problem.. i'm just really tired.... before i would think it's okay, i can handle that. if i dont know then
i would learn, then next time i wont have the same problem. i was quite positive. but now it's like... alright i know
i am stupid, alright i know i dont know lots of thing, i know i m chinese and i m not so welcomed, and what else?
yea, i know my bf has so much patient talking with other girls, he would show the website, he would explain
slowly very politely, teach them different things, but not quite patient with me. that's an extra point.
i can understand my bf is just being himself, and that's great. i should accept him, yes and i do too.
but that doesnt mean it would all work out nicely, and i hate it so much when his attitude is being so bad and not
helping at all. it's like, what's the point of being a gf when the guys are being an ass to their gf?
i dont know... i dont want to complain at all and so i usually just suck it up. but sometimes it's just... really frustrating.
and he thinks that hes the only one frustrated and i m bring him frustration.
i dont know... i love this guy so much and ... i dont know. it's just... bad. i dont want to complain anymore.
i m so tired of it. i m sure he is too.
>>July 14, 2010 at 1:49:34 AM GMT+8
2010 年 7 月 10 日 星期六 【晴】
I am actually very tired.
i dont have much to say.
i want to go back to school, i want to do my master, then i would have my own career.
i want love, but... constantly dealing with the emotion this is just.... slowly killing me.
it's really really sad. because, when i m in love, i m giving in everything of myself, and that's what it's supposed to be.
but for some reason, i m not doing it. my love to him is all held in my heart. i cant show it, because i m so scared.
i cant show it, i cant act normal. because if i do, there's no turning back. i m so scared. not because i dont dare to love
or i dont love him. but the thing is, there's someone else. whenever i want to do more, then i think of her.
whenever i want to do something, i think of her, then i stop. then i think about myself. what i want to do for myself,
what i want and what i need. i doubt he knows about that or know about me. for him, i m not someone new or fresh.
i m no longer young or that fresh anymore. he trusts me and knows i wont leave easily, so i become someone who lives
in his comfort zone, someone he doesnt have to put in as much efforts with.
i am 24 this year, i look around, and think about my friends and what i am supposed to be doing, what i am supposed to
experience at my age. how ironic it is, i m the one flying over to another country living with my bf, but... are we really
a couple sometimes i do doubt about that. whenever he is being nice to me, it seems like there are some reasons behind.
i m not blind, i might not say anything but it doesnt mean i cant sense anything. because i trust you but that doesnt mean
you can take that for granted. when was the last time we hold hands? when was the last time he kissed me? when
was the last time we sleep together? when was the last time he actually would think about me, and want me?
i dont see it. we are not married, i m not his wife, i want to be someone's gf, not some girl living in the same house with.
but sometimes i feel like i m either someone just living in the same house, or i m someone who has been married for ages,
old and dull. do i really have a love life, sometimes i really doubt that.
if he can get his escape anytime he wants, then just comes back to me whenever he feels like to... then what about me?
so as long as he can get his escape, then our relationship would last, if not then it's not gonna work? if i dont want
him to do that then i dont love him or being selfish? then what about me? can i go date someone else to look for things
that i cant get from him now? who girls would like to do that? not me. but now... i dont know... i want to be dated.
i dont want to miss out all the things i am supposed to have. if he wants to, he would. if he doesnt want to, why forcing
him? be proactive? why should i? when there's some other girl who would just be crazy for him, he gets what he
wants, he is good with that. why would he still need me? and isnt it just the fact happening everyday now?
when was the last time he actually touched me? when was the last time i actually find him like my bf?
if there're only 13% of guys are nice guy, one of them is my dad. and i find my mom is incredibly great too. i find myself
so lucky to have good parents.. i want to be as great as my mom, i want to be a wonderful mom and wife, at least
a great gf now...... but... i know i cant be.
like today... not only today... but most of them time... almost anytime i m alone.
even when i m with him, most of them time i dont feel myself as his gf. we are at most are just friends.
and especially when she is around, i could feel it she has something against me. he told me she thought i hated her,
and he thought i was rude to her. i dont mean to be rude or anything. but i m definitely not good at pretending i m okay
with i m not. it's not work or anything, it's my relationship. how can i fake? especially when she is around, she wants
to be his gf, go ahead. not coz i dont love him, but if he lets her do so, then what else can i say? then stay the fuck
away from me, i dont need someone comes showing off to me. she might not admit that she does that on purpose,
but look at what she does in the house, leaving her personal stuffs around, sitting close and petting him, drinking his
beer and telling me she doesnt mean to show off? she is shy? she isnt trying to act like he is hers? are you fucking
think that i would be fine with that? one time might be just drunk, two times might be living in her fantasy, three times
everytime that means it's real. and if i dont trust me eyes, then i m blind or i m an idiot.
sometimes i really dont find myself like his gf. i dont know what to do with that. of course he wont find it as a problem,
of course he thinks there's me being stupid to create problem for myself. why wouldnt he think of why i cant feel
intimate with him then? right, maybe he doesnt care as much as i do. right. i know i m not his wife, if we are
married for many years, maybe i can understand.. but... no we are not. and... my age... having this kind of feelings,
this is just not right.
i m not that attractive in many ways, but i dont think i m that bad. i m not be the perfect one, but... i do think i deserve
to be happier at least. is relationship only about lies and cheat? someone pretending everything is fine.. the other one
turn one eye blind... another one being chated and lying to herself. no one is getting anything. no one. you think you do
but you dont. coz you dont even understand. what you can see might not be true, the truth might be actually hiding
somewhere. you think you know but you dont.
seeing the good side and seeing the bad side.
i know what he is trying to do to make things better.
i dont want to complain but it doesnt mean its alright. its never been alright. NEVER.
i dont know if i m living in my own dream thinking i am kind of special, but actually i m no different than those girls.
i dont know. i just dont know.
maybe if i m fucked up then everything would be much easier. but i cant. i cant be like those girls.
or maybe i am actually taken in that way all the time, and that's why i feel like i am always in this bizarre situation.
why the fuck should i celebrate her birthday? i fucking dont want it, do i really have a choice?
bascially no, technically yes. and guess what? if i dont, then what is going to happen?
the more i see how guys lie and bullshit girls these days, the more i hate guys.
say i m in love with one of them, and how am i gonna tell myself to accept that is what i m living with everyday?
of course this way is better than this or that, of course. of course. of course.
of course he loves me, yea i can see that and i know he does. i really do appreciate what he has been trying
to do for me. i see them and i do appreciate them. so then why keep putting me in this situation like again and again,
and giving me all those realistic reasons/excuses, why?
does that mean that i can go out and date some other guys now?
does that mean that i can tell the entire world that i am single now? does that mean i can have another bf now?
when ppl are asking me these days, yea, i m telling ppl i am single except those who already know that
i have a boyfriend. even with my housemate, i tell her i m single and worry about i might end up not gonna
be married or be a mom or got my career blah blah. sometimes i do feel bad that i cant even tell ppl how great
i feel i have a bf, coz basically ... i dont see the point of saying that. sometimes i dont even see myself having one.
ppl wont see me with my bf, ppl wont notice anything. i m like having a secret relationship. ppl start asking me ques,
then what am i supposed to say? yea, to be honest and i hate to say sometimes its better not to let ppl know
i have a bf, so this way i can save lots of bizarre questions or situation. i rather ppl think i m single and not
looking for a relationship then knowing i have a bf but they would never see us as a couple. i rather not let ppl
thinking that i m crazy letting my bf seeing other girls.
honestly, i feel really terrible that i have to share my bf with some other person that she thinks she is his gf,
then i become a secret. if i m a mistress or a third party then i think i could understand my position or what to
expect. i wont be someone's mistress or third party anymore, i swear i would never be that ever again.
so, i wont let it happen, and if i m, i would leave immediately. i would never talk to that person again. never.
some ppl think everyone has ''a price''. i dont believe in this. i dont at all. if ppl think that's okay, it's their business.
i dont. i dont do this. i take it as a definite insult, 100%. i m very honest about what i feel.
i cant and wont stop ppl doing things, but one day i would leave. i m 24 this year, i m no longer 17.
i m doing what i hate everyday. i m guilty all the times for different ppl. i m still being here for only one reason.
and this reason sometimes makes me even more upset than ever. tell me, why the fuck should i still take all the
risks here? for myself? are you fucking kidding me?
omg.. i m crying now. i want to go to bed.
i fucking hate it. my heart does ache. it does.
Here used to be called Shmoo Sassy Rowdyruff's page. It was a random name i got from The Powerpuff Girls' site. however, i am not that little girl anymore. i'm learning how to live a life now. haha! and this is the pic of my 22nd year in my life, taken in the summer of 2008.
here is like my reference, my history, my story, and the little pieces of memorries in my life. someday when i get old, maybe i would just review my life again. or i can share with my close ones... would they miss me someday? i dont know. i just wanna live my life fully and happily =) with the ppl i love on this planet.
I am so sorry...
Hi there,
Someone who know