2009 年 7 月 11 日 星期六 【晴】

hello.

i got like 10 hrs sleep last night. it's crazy but good.
i made coffee and brunch. i am changing my diet. i eat oat with fruits and soya for lunch today.
and i cut down on the sugary food, like cookies and chocolate. i drink more water and tea these days.

i was home... doing nothing much... then i got the e-mail from Dr. Li... and confirmed my first day would be on the
coming Thurs. she let me choose to go at 10 am or 2 pm. i chose 10 am. so yea.... start early, then i can go home
early. i guess that should be just some briefing stuffs... and then i would need to do some revision on my textbooks
as well.. just in case she's gonna ask me something i have forgotten already.

i chatted with honey for awhile. he seems really bored. i wonder what i can do.... then... while everyone left home,
i started taking pictures... then i sent him before i left. i went to Sha Tin... i went to the Muji store, brought something
for honey, then i also saw the lovely blueberries from the supermarket, so i got some for myself.. then i took the bus
to Ma On Shan.. visiting grandpa.. we had dinner there.. then i saw the maid, who was stealing and making so much
troubles at my grandpa's home. it's still very hot over there, as in... my aunts and uncles splited into 2 groups now..
and... i dont know.. of course i know mom's right, and some of my aunts are just the total bitches. and i still dont
understand lots of things over there i guess. well, i just know stealing is illegal. and she's doing it everyday.
she doesnt take care of my grandpa very well, but playing my disable aunts. i dont like this kind of ppl. and i dont
understand why she's still there.

anyway.. tomorrow i would have 2 classes again. 9 - 11 am, then 11am - 1 pm. i'm thinking if i should go to the bank
tomorrow or maybe on Tue. i will see what i should do... but tomorrow i would have my lovely blue berries, some
low calories fruit biscuit as breakfast. both are my fav. and then with a big cup of nice coffee. i cant wait for my
good morning start. i want it peaceful though, not much noise. i can watch some news or some funny clips on line
with my breakfast. hopefully the sun wont be too strong, but still quite sunny. this would be a wonderful start of a
day. but then think about how much time i'm gonna need to dress up and do the make up... and then need to read
my schedule and the class information... hummmmmm... it's ok.... yea.. guess whatever job i do, i should try to do
the best i could, be professional at what i'm doing. like.. at least being well prepared, on time, be smart, and need
to know what i'm doing and what others are doing as a team player.

i wish i could do something for honey... but i dont know exactly what i can do...
i would try to go back there asap.. but guess no matter what i say, the fact is i'm not there yet...
which is also frustrating me sometimes... i'm trying to live happily while we're apart, but i'm lonely. yes i am.
i'm lonely without him.. but nothing much i can do... you know... so many clothes, nice accessories are on sale..
but since i'm back in 1.5 month, i havent bought anything yet expcet that flip flops i needed so much, and some
food as my diet. it's just quite hard to stop myself not buying the beautiful things i like. tehre are so many things
i would like to buy, but i stopped myself everytime.. i wanna buy a bag, 2 pairs of earrings, 2 pants, 1 skirt,
1 shirt, some shorts, some nice socks, and 2 nice dresses. i havent bought any of these. oh castor...
but i'm okay. i like them so much but i dont need them. i would really like to have them but so? my priority would
be my saving and the ticket. i guess i would still do some little shopping... but....................... i dont know...
it's just hard... especially i'm going to have a check up next month, and going to the yoga class in Sep.
hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... will see.....

i should go to bed.. and.. i miss him..

>>July 12, 2009 at 7:25:33 PM GMT+8

2009 年 7 月 10 日 星期五 【晴】

hello.

i woke up late again.. i woke up then stayed in bed... rolling around... didnt really want to get up.
i got up, washed up, then made some coffee.. i was very tired. then had been reading some doc.. i hate filling in
forms.. City U sent me a package.. and i need to fill them then send back asap. i dont know why this is like the
3rd time i have to fill in loads of forms from them. i know each times was for different things, but i dont like filling
forms like that...

anyway.. i was busy.. then reading news and doing different things at a time.. then mom was nagging and talking.
she always complain a lot these days. it's like.... sigh.. there's nothing much i can do except listening and i dont
know.. i should listen to mom, coz i should support her.. but sometimes it's like.. she's venting, then she talks mean.
i was like.. being silent, i just wanna do my stuffs you know. then at one point, i just couldnt stand it, but i suck it
up. i want to complain too, but i wont talk mean. then.. she throws away my cookies and candies. she said i never
finished them and never get rid of them. i was very pissed actually. those are my stuffs. she couldnt do that.
i was angry, then i just told her i was busy. i was doing work. i dont know.. it's just... totally disturbing.

i sit for awhile didnt do anything.. till i calmed down a bit, i talked with honey about it.. and thanks that he listened
to me... after that i just felt much better. i talked with honey about other things too.. then i guess he thinks i am not
looking for another job, which i should probably do now. i just cant look for another one yet.. i need to fix my
schedule first.. especially with City U. i need to know my schedule there. they told me i would need to work up to
17 hrs/ week.. but didnt say which day. i need to... wait till 16th to find out. so... then i can arrange and fix my
own schedule. coz the thing is.. i would like to try working with my aunt too.. it seems interesting knowing about
how to book tickets, how to do touring and other things.. it seems so interesting to me. then.. i'm thinking if i should
wait for a while working in the tutorial school first.. coz... i just want to pick up some experience, just in case
any other places hiring playgroup teachers with a better offer then i can take the chance. right now... there are
nothing much i can do expect waiting and doing my jobs well. then after this coming week or next week, then
i guess i would be more clear about what i can do next. my plan is... getting at least HKD $ 6000/ month..
i need that. then i could fly back to Van in Dec. now it's already the middle of July. 5 months seem so long...
but this is the safest way. coz at the same time, i would need to apply for a credit card from HSBC in these 5 months.
so... yea... gotta buy a ticket, gotta make some saving, gotta apply for a credit card, gotta work hard.
and also.. before getting there.. there are so much i have to think of.. like...... if i'm gone, what about my family?
i'm sure they would worry for me, and so... i cant be just irresponsible running away from home. i gotta make sure
they know i could handle this. so.. it's not easy.. and then also need to figure out what i'm gonna do exactly in Van.
i cant keep going and coming back home. i would need to discuss and plan with honey.

i didnt go jogging today. just cant go. it's raining. then too bad... but i hope to go tomorrow.
at night, we ate out tonight. guess dad is just tired of mom's complain as well. so no one needed to cook tonight,
we were all going out for dinner. after that, we did some shopping in Parknshop, the supermarket.
they charge money for the plastic bags now.. then mom brought lots of bags from home. haha.. so funny..
i saw the one from Save On Food. and i was like oh that's from the Save On. and i took it, then found the receipt.
it was the one around Richmond Centre, near to the No.3 rd. haha... it was on the May 25, close enough to the
day i left. i think i bought some chocolate for honey on that day there. yea.. exactly that day and in the Save On...
hummm it's like... i didnt mean to keep this receipt.. it was just still in the bag, and i used it to pack my cookies
back home from Van. when i was in Van.. that receipt could go into the bin or... i dont know i just dont need it,
wont pay much attention to it. but since i'm home but holding the receipt from there, then seeing what i have
got for my loved on and bought my fav snack there as well, then it just reminds me the days there, and how much
i miss it. it's just a piece of paper, nothing special.... but at a different place, in a different time zone, it does
mean something, coz it brings back the memory, flash back, and reminds me a lot. like.. how i walked from the
Parka Place to Save On Food.. then while i was walking around there, i got a strange phone call from a customer.
then i was shopping and looking for something for my honey. then i rushed back to the bus stop to come home.
i just miss it. and i know i should go back there, not about Save On Food.. but.. you know..

i feel bad sometimes as in... i know he wants to see me too. he misses me too.. but i just cant do much.
we cant do much. i think i have been quite patient... but sometimes i still have my weak time, i would get lonely.
i still have my family and many friends here.. but what about him.. i would wish him fine till we would meet up
again. i want him happy and healthy. it's not sympathy. there's nothing i sympathize about. it's empathy, i really
do care about him. i dont wanna complain, but i do wish things would be easier on us.

tomorrow... i would actually need to take some photos, need to go to the book store too... then visiting grandpa..
then i wanna do some shopping as well. wanna get something for honey. then yea... i would start to be busy
this coming week actually. especially after Thurs... the first day at City U. well.. i would need to fix my schedule.
then see what kind of jobs i should apply.

>>July 11, 2009 at 7:11:58 PM GMT+8

2009 年 7 月 9 日 星期四 【晴】

hello.

i havent writen diary these few days.. i have been quite tired...
couldnt really concetrate thinking what i;ve done each days.. i'm fine.. but.... got so much in my head.

i ran 4000m on Wed. 1 hr 15 mins running and walking.. then yea... i was working..
it's very tiring.. i like the kids, some of them even remember my name now. some of them like me..
they are not as shy to me anymore.. and it feels good.. i'm not a dominant person, not very controling..
then in class, i'm pretty patient as well. i'm very observant. i can tell each students' personalty, and
i can tell what they are doing and the reason why. i like them. the parents are okay too.
but i guess i might be a a bit too soft in class... but then if i have to be assertive, i could and would be.
but thinking the prep i have to get involved... and that's okay... then think about the time i have to
stay there, it's really depressing, as in.. i'm staying over and over time but not getting paid. and then,
the pay isnt that great at all. so... it's just depressing. i like what i'm doing. i would like to get it more
challenging for myself as well.. but i cant survive with this salary.. so... i would listen to honey,
i would look for another job.. then i might quit. that's too bad.. i really like the kids.. but, i dont know.
will see..

i'm very serious about getting slim. i eat what i like to eat.. and i exercise.. but i think i should be more
careful about my diet now. hummm i'm not eating a lot.. but i should cut down on the sugary food,
and deep fired food. i exercise around 3 times/ week, but will join Yoga in Sep. i dont know..
i have never been thin before... i lost weight when i was in Van, but the mucsel wasnt firm. i wanna
look good and healthy.

i'm planing to go back to Van in Dec. but i havent confirmed yet. and i dont know... i am checking on
the ticket already. then also... i have got the letter from City U. i'm definitely employed... but then i would
need to send back some doc and wait for my staff card and stuffs. haha. my first time anyway. haha.

i'm very glad that i could chat with honey everyday... like... the time gap between us is really bad.
like... coz we both changed our schedule.. and so it's like... when he's free, i might need to sleep or
need to go to work. then when he's busy then i'm free.. or at night i would stay up very late just want
to spend time with him.. although it's not in person... but.. you know....... that's at least something i can
do. and i do appreciate his time with me as well. coz... with him, everything is fine. without him...
it's just not right. i hate this kind of feelings but it's so real. i also like this kind of strange feelings,
coz... there he is so special to me that.. i cant control myself.

yesterday, i have thrown away so much old stuffs from my room... i need space, i need to reorganize
everything, everything there.. i have so much things that i have to throw away, and relocate them..
books, notes.. work stuffs... personal stuffs... just too many. i still need to work on that. sigh. but it's
good. once i get it all done, it's gonna be great.

i've bought something for honey... and there are more i wanna get him but i havent done the shopping
yet.. sigh.. i'm so tired these days and trying to stay home... so.. i dont know.. but i wanna get things
organized, and really wanna fix my schedule.. there are so much i would need to do.

i love him... i wanna fly back as soon as i can.. i hope he would wait for me... coz i'm waiting for him..
i dont want other guys... i just want him.


p.s.
i wanna thank him for the pics, videos, and everything that he shares with me..

>>July 10, 2009 at 5:32:49 PM GMT+8

2009 年 7 月 6 日 星期一 【晴】

i got up late today...

i was supposed to go doing the doc for my deferment of the the student loan payment in the morning..
but i was too tired.. so.. i just stayed home for lunch, then.... headed out in the very late afternoon.
it was okay.. i went to the bank, then made the copies, then fax to the SFAA. sigh. i hate doing this.

then, i went to Parknshop... i did some shopping there. i bought soy milk, some biscuit, 1 avocado, banana
chips, and some wet tissue.. then i walked home... but then i forgot to help mom to buy gloves, then..
i got home.. and mom told me she forgot to buy carrot. and she was already ready to make the potato soup..
so.... Miki and i went down again to buy carrot.. and we also bought some bbq pork.
then came back... i was on line again.. .and watching tv... i was very tired actually... wondering to take
a nap but i couldnt.. Ivy called me, talking with me about some class prep. hummmmmmmmmmm okay, i would
get them done by Fri. i think i can handle that.

i watched Prison Break tonight... Michael died... oh no.. how could the writer let him died that way..
everyone loves Michael, why would he die? and Sarah gave birth to their son, who is also called Michael.
i dont like the ending.

i would check the ticket soon, check about the schedule of Dec. there are many things i would need to do..
and then yea, wanna know about the ticket price.. and need to figure out something.. and also need to think
about how to let my family understand..

and then probably since next week, i would be quite busy again. i dont know... the job at City U would start...
tomorrow i would have 2 lessons, 9- 11 am, 11 am- 1 pm. hummmmm hopefully dont need to stay too long
after work. coz i really dont want to spend so long there for free. i know i'm doing some extra work, which
is not exactly my responsibility right now.. i'm doing extra prep for the others, just like fixing the mess for the
others, but... you know... if i were not the freshman there, and if i were in a slightly higher position, i would
have talked with Richa, and made her finished her jobs. if she doesnt, or cant, then i would let Ivy replaced
her completely, and made space for whoever can actually handle the work. now, i gotta do 4 or 5 demo,
like all the teaching materials for those topics. and then plus the crafts i am responsible for. just all of the
sudden, it makes me.... stressed. and then again, this is the first and the last time. dont like ppl crashing my
schedule in such a short notice.

these days... it's a bit difficult to catch up with honey. not too bad right now, coz i just work 3 days/ week..
and when i'm home, i m on the internet. i could adjust my schedule.. the time difference is gonna be difficult
for me, especially both of our schedule changed. so... i dont know. it would take some time i guess. and
like what he said, hopefully i could be there sooner than Dec.

>>July 7, 2009 at 7:33:18 PM GMT+8

2009 年 7 月 5 日 星期日 【晴】

hello.

i'm very tired today... i got maybe ard 3 hrs sleep last night. Miki woke me up. thanks. the thing is... my alarm was
ringing, but i missed it. then hers was on. i asked her to set it for me last night. and then she woke me up. haha.

i got ready.... packed my stuffs.. today i gotta bring more stuffs to work, coz right after that, i went for my
interview. anyway... i had coffee and some cake. i was very sleepy. honey was on line. so, we chatted for
awhile. it was a good morning start for me. i was very stressed about the interview and 2 lessons today..
i was nervous about the interview, and then 2 lessons back to back is kind of crazy. and i knew i got no time to
stay after work, which means i had to run to the City U right after classes done... which wasnt possible at all.
all i need in the morning is... a good start. like... i would have a peaceful morning, coffee, small breakfast, news,
checking mails, checking my schedule and get myself ready for the work of the day.. a peaceful morning.
i dont know... honey was the only person i would actually want to talk with in the morning when i get up.
i would talk with mom or anyone home.. but.. i usually just sooth them away, coz i need a peaceful morning.
or i would talk with my co-workers or friends only if it's necessary or urgent..

it's different when i was in Van with him... coz i was on vacation.. but like when i was studying there before..
i was quiet and looked serious in the morning usually. coz i would pack lunch, i would organized my stuffs
and do some revision before school. so... yea... but these days when i was there... i was quite free.. so..
i just had my tea, hanging around the kitchen, waiting to say good morning to honey hahaha. i dont know why
i really like his kitchen. i was just wondering why not putting a small coffee table there. i bet i could sit for hrs
there... especially in the morning. but yea anyway... it was always peaceful there except when he was angry
at me. think about that... my life there was always around him and most likely about him. i did go out by myself,
i met up with friends and relatives.. but then... it's just different. it's not just fun fun fun or gathering time..
it's... i dont know what it is.. its.. passion, care, closeness, and... faith maybe. it's something else, something
cant be explained. the experience of love is just... something special. i wonder maybe one day, there should be
a book written all about "love", all kind of love. this book should be written by as many as ppl as possible..
cross cultural, cross generations, cross genders.. it shouldnt be too dramatic, otherwise many guys would
bang it. it should be humanistic, and full of diversity, easy to understand... so that everyone could understand.
and this book should belong to everyone in the world. hey.. maybe when i m old, and if i am rich, then i can
do this job. hahaha.. but i would pass it to my next generations to let them finish it.

i dont know... anyway.. i was stuck at work till i really gotta go... it was very busy today. i gotta take care of
the admin work.. then... rushed back into the class, coz from now on, there would be only me and Ivy in a
class. it was okay. working with her is fine. and she's supervising me anyway.. but she wouldnt push jobs
to me, she is responsible at least. i liked the kids. and the parents also start to recognize me now. some kids
would even run to me and hug me sometimes. and then after class, some parents would talk with me about
their behaviors and stuffs.. then i would explain to them about the different stages they would have different
reactions and what they need in general. then yea.. when i serve snacks, i serve and take care of them.
while teaching, just teaching very patiently. while playing, singing and dancing, just play with them.. they
actually would like you and you can easily notice that. but then... when i think about the hrs i have to spend
there and the salary is still not high enough, then.. it's kind of sad. beside, it's not tooooo bad.
the thing is i need money. so.. i dont know.

the interview was so so... i didnt prepare well enough. she was asking me lots of questions like testing if i
actually know much enough about how to do a research. i was quite nervous actually.. especially when she
was asking me lots about my own research.. then that was kind of harsh. coz the thing is... i cant really
communicate with her. i dont know why i cant communicate with her.. maybe i'm just bad.. coz.. i dont know.
she must be a very strict professor there. i actually wont mind to explain if i made anything unclear.. but she
was like not getting anything. we kept running around on the same thing, but still she quite didnt get it..
i wonder if it was my problem.

after that, i just met up with Miki. we both need to buy some stationaries. we went to City Super. i also picked
up something for honey... i just thought of him when i saw those fruits and vitamins stuffs.. then.. we just
went home. when i got home.. i was just resting. i am sooo tired like half dead. then working on some doc..
i need to send the letter to the SFAA tomorrow.. sigh... then also... sent the doc to City U as well.

Ivy actually called me... well.. she wants to bitch about Richa.. and wants me to help preparing for the teaching
materials. i was outside and busy.. so.. anyway.. of course i'm willing to help her out, but the thing is...
it was what they are supposed to do, not me. and i know how pissed she is about Richa. i dont wanna get
involved. Richa was bitching to me about Ivy as well that day. so... hummmm... okay... humm to be honest,
i dont like working with Richa, but it was nothing personal. so... still i dont wanna get involved.
alright.. i would call Ivy tomorrow and see what i can help...

i guess... maybe one day i should take a quiz... checking on myself...
check if i am actually ready for... a marriage.. the thing is... these days it's getting more obvious that..
actually... i love to live with my family, but... i m getting ready for more. i want more.. and... with him.
it's kind of interesting feelings.

>>July 6, 2009 at 5:48:32 PM GMT+8

2009 年 7 月 4 日 星期六 【晴】

hello...

i got up at 8 am.. i went to bed ard.... 2 sth.. but i couldnt sleep till 3 sth i guess..

anyway... i got ready to work this morning. i left honey a mesg. hummm... i was there ard 9 30..
with my coffee.. lesson plan, my schedule, personal log book, alcohol gel, wet tissue, pens,
blah blah blah... and an umbrella.

i was on time. but the phone kept ringing till 9 sth am.. and i was so busy, coz the receptionist
wasnt there. Ivy didnt come.. Roshlyn didnt come.. only me and Richa. she's a nice person but
not nice to work with. she doesnt really do much.. then i had to take care of the attdance, the
temperature check, and i dont know why the file of last month wasnt there.. and the new one
also wasnt there.. so i gotta find the new one, then the thing is... 3 students called abs, and
they needed make up class.. then i cant decide on which days or time for them to come coz
i dont have the old file. anyway, class starts.. and... Richa was like... i dont know what she
was doing. she was supposed to lead the class, but she forgot the songs and lyrics, then she
bossed me around, but i didnt understand her very well. so i just did my job like normally i would
do.. then after the class end... i just want to leave. but then i needed to clean the cups and dishes
coz she didnt do that. and i needed to tidy up the stuffs coz she didnt do that as well. just like
what Ivy told me before... anyway.. she told me to come back earlier... humm then i just ran home.

i just had my breakfast when the class end while i was running back home..
then yea, it was nice that honey was on... but i kindda feel bad, coz.. i wish i could be there,
and i did want to be there with him.. then... i rested a bit.. chatting with him... then i gotta run back
there... yea.. i should just hang around, get some lunch in the mall actually, but i would prefer
coming home.. coz... coz of him. anyway.. my lunch break should be 2 hrs, but actually only got 1 hr.
it sucks. then i could only stay home for ard 35 mins....

i ran back and prepared for class again. the second one was much better, coz i warmed up
already, and then i can handle more. the kids are older, and then they liked me.. so... i was happy
to be in that class.. then.. after class, i ust wanted to leave. BUT the other staffs were back,
and asked me and Richa to stay, to tidy up the storage, and ask me to help Richa to organize
the materials and other stuffs coz she's leaving for her vacation. i wasl ike WHAT? she didnt
organize her stuffs, so that i should stay? i helped her to do alot of things that she was supposed
to do, and now she's so messy and i need to help her and fix things with her. NICE.
FINE. i just stayed and tried to assist her. but she was like so messy. she didnt know what
she wanted to do. then i looked at my watch, and thinking when the hell i could leave. then..
i just started giving her suggestions then... she told me so many small pieces of info and wanted
me to pass to Ivy. i told her no, she has to write down on a piece of paper, and i would pass it
to Ivy. i couldnt forward her messagessssss to Ivy like that. anyway.. she was just wasting my
time... i didnt wanna stay coz it wasnt my job, but... fine, the first time and the last time.
i wasnt mean to her at all, i took it as part of the training.. but once i'm done.. i wouldnt be bossed
around by her. i work for the company, not her. it's teamwork, so it should be more fair.

the staffs told me that... they would change me to full time base in the middle of July..
i havent told them about my anotehr job at City U, which would also starts in middle of July.
and then i'm still thinking if i'm doing part time here, how more lessons they are gonna give me.
they said i am doing very great now, so they might send me to a new centre to be another "Ivy".
i said okay, but actually i dont know.. i need to know my new offer and the schedule as well.
they havent sit me down for talking yet, so... whatever... i will see.. and i think i would discuss
with honey as well.

tomorrow i would have 1 morning class from 9 am till 11 am.. then another one from 11 am to 1 pm.
then i would have a job interview by 2 pm at City U also... same department, same position,
but maybe full time, with another research or project.. i will go to the interview first, and see
how it goes... if you ask me, of course i want more money and better time schedule.. but then...
things cant be so perfect everytime. so.. i dont know.. and i just... hope to have some jobs
with a more flexible schedule PLUS internet at work.. i mean i could be on MSN. same reason.
but.. i dont know.. i'm supposed to focus at work anyway. hummm but it doesnt mean i cant
multi-task. haha.

i really... want to be there with him...
and so... i have to be patient..

>>July 5, 2009 at 5:26:20 PM GMT+8

2009 年 7 月 3 日 星期五 【晴】

hello..

last night i slept very late again.. i was on line... Stephen was on... we chatted..
thanks him for being there for me. i dont know if he actually knows when we talk on line, it made me
feel warm and connected. it's hard to explain what it is. but he told me he wasnt feeling well,
i wish he was okay...

i got up ard 1 sth pm.. long sleep... but it's okay... i was looking for materials on line last night, for my
lesson plan... i made up 5 topics... and thinking about what crafts to do with the kids.. then today just
keep looking.. hummm i dont find anything special.. i'm having my coffee now... taking a rest..
i'm thinking even though the topic is fine, it's hard to find craft to do with them... maybe worksheet
is better.. but they are too small for worksheet. anyway, at their age, it's not easy for them to do much,
so... i'm thinking about colouring on the picture, and ask them to draw some lines like matching.
it might be a bit boring, but... i would figure something else.

Dida wanna meet up with me. he said he had a gift for my birthday. i asked him if he wants to talk with
me... he seems very unwell still. sigh... i dont know.. i wish i could help. but he's my friend, not my client,
and i'm not professional. so... i dont know.. i would see what i can do. i wish him well.

i would go jogging soon. then see if Dida would come over. it seems pretty bad for me to ask him to
come over Tai Po Tau to pass me the gift. haha.. but.. yea, if he calls then we would see.
stop raining plz..

San and his wife are coming to HK in Aug.. they want me to help looking for a hotel and traveling plan..
well... i can do that.. but i cant pay the hotel for them first. i dont think it's a good idea.
i might do it for some ppl but definitely not them..

starting from tomorrow, my schedule would be busy again. i guess that's okay... then honey might
be busy also.. i just wanna save up money. i just want to save enough money then i could go over
again. i dont know, i dont want to worry too much.. i dont want to be stressed, and of course dont
want him to be stressed with me. i dont want to wait for too long, but time is the key, and we need
money. so... yea... too much worry wont help but... i would work hard.

i dont know what he's thinking or doing sometimes.. we are two individual persons.. but i guess,
if you are in a relationship, then you have to trust that person, and have faith in it, in him, and also
yourself. and then of course.. no one is perfect. ppl can do stupid things, just like myself would do
stupid things too.. accepting a person totally is very hard.. coz really no one is perfect..
but... if you can see a person, as in... understanding that person so deep, about his strengths, and
bad things about him, and you still love him... then..... there must be something about this person
that you cant explain. just like something about myself that i cant explain. then... you learn to accept it.
it takes some time, but... at least you learn to accept, and it makes you understand more about the
person and yourself.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful

What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1 44 am.

i went jogging... i guess i might have hurt myself. i ran for 2000m today..
then i couldnt continue.. i just kept walking.. 20 mins ran, 50 mins walk.

i came home, shower.. i was feeling a bit sick.. just rested.. and watched Harry Potter tonight.
i didnt meet up with Dida. i was too tired.. now, my muscle pain.. like... walk and sit both pain.
i guess i would be okay...

i miss him.

i keep telling myself to be patient.. when a tear is about to drop, i ask it stops.

Are you gently sleeping here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing all power can't be seen
Fly me up to where you are beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight to see you smile
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away not far to where you are

i cant share these with ppl... i dont want to show ppl about my weakest side..

i would have a morning class tomorrow.. then afternoon as well..
maybe i should go to bed earlier tonight..
and dont cry Castor. no matter what happens, dont cry.

>>July 4, 2009 at 6:07:00 PM GMT+8

2009 年 7 月 2 日 星期四 【晴】

Hi..

i got up by a call. these days, i'm like... either i wake up very late or i got waken by calls in the morning,
or i just overslept. but yea, today i got a call from the City University. i thought i was fail coz they have never
called after that interview. i thought last week they would call me for the second interview if they wanted
me. they didnt, so i thought i failed.. but today they just call me and say i'm employed. but they didnt ask
me to go for the second interview which last time the Doctor mentioned to me.. well =) i'm happy though..
at least i dont have to run looking for another part time job. and the offer isnt too bad.. as in HK... i am...
glad that i can get a part time job like this one. i'm just very lucky..

then i got up.. and checked my mails immediately. and i did the document, then replied them... then.. yea..
i was making coffee.. i was just sleepy. humm then i got ready to go out having lunch with my family.
i talked with Stephen for awhile.. i guess... comparing with Van, the salary here is like very low..
but, it's different here.. the tax is much lower, and i wont even need to pay tax. coz after calculation,
i wouldnt be reaching the line, so i would be excluded. then of course, sometimes, stuffs here are cheaper
than in Van.. so.. i dont know. comparing with so many unemployed ppl including soooo many fresh grads,
i think i'm kind of lucky.. coz... like... almost all of my friends that i know of, the fresh grads, would need at
least months to get a job, part time or full time. and some of my friends are still looking for jobs. only 1 girl
she got into a big firm after grad, coz she was like GPA4.0, double major in Finance and Accounting..
then she was like doing internship in that firm before.. and it's in the States, not HK.. so.. only her that i know
of got a nice job after grad. all of the others stuck with the old part time job, or looking for jobs. i think i am
very lucky.. then i asked him, if he would think i'm very useless.. i'm glad that he said no. coz.. i really
dont know what else i can do. my education background would only allow me working in education,
society services, health care field, fields like that... but in HK... the market is really small.. so... yea...
i cant do much, and i'm glad i got jobs in such a quick time. i cant be too picky coz i dont have time.

anyway.. i was rushing to go have lunch with my family...
we had dim sum again. i really love dim sum with my family.. guess it's like a family tradition. when i was
young, since i could remember stuffs, every weekend, we have dim sum for lunch. i used to hate it when
i was a kid, coz it was boring for me. hahaha.. i liked McDonald's and Pizza Hut. yea i was strange, i liked
Western food when i was small. but yea, every weekend was the diim sum time.. and sometimes with
some other relatives as well. it was okay... i used to be the one who would go to the restaurant first and
wait for the table.. and i would bring my Gameboy or a book, or some other toys with me. hahaha.. i was
10? till.... maybe 14... that was my job at home. hahaha.. but yea since i was 14 or 15 i was very busy with
school work.. then the job went to my mom. but as i grow older, i just love dim sum. and even not with my
family, i had dim sum with my friends before too. i like having dim sum with Shan.. and sometimes with
auntie Priscilla. i dont know, i havent got dim sum with Stephen yet, but maybe one day we could go.

humm after that, we just walked to Tai Po centre... then i went to visit Shan at Elchards. hummm i chatted
with her for awhile.. i saw her new hair style. i like it it's so cute =) i wanna cut my hair short too..
but i know Stephen doesnt like it. humm i shared with her about the good news from the morning. haha..
she's happy for me.. and then i saw Mendy and Ella too.. Mendy asked me where i worked now, and she
saw my name on a poster at the kindergarten and primary school before. i said yes, that was me..
coz i'm going to help with an English day at that two schools. and i told her i'm on training at the tutorial
school for teaching babies. she's happy, but then i saw Ella's face. she's not happy. well... what can i do?
i was working for her, doing everything i could, help her so much in that two years and half right... i was
so loyal to her company.. helped her solving many problems and gave her lots of ideas.. but at the end,
she did let me go. she said she would miss me, she tried to ask me to stay but...... guess between money,
Carole, and me.. she would choose to listen to Carole, and also pay less to me... so even though it was
sad, i left. we remain friends, but... guess we both know that... now we are still in the same field, but
i'm not on her team anymore. Shan is doing a good job.. she's fast, obedient, and hard working. when we
were working together, Ella has both Shan's skills and my skills. now i'm gone, Shan takes care everything.
Shan and i joked about that today. maybe one day we should open our own centre. we know exactly
what we need to do, and we know how this business work. we know it so well. haha.. she said yes.

anyway... i walked home... resting... and thinking about my lesson plan..
and you know.. i would be busy this Sun... then also... starting from next week, i would have 3 days work,
2 lessons each day, then also need to do lesson plan and prep.. then starting from the 15th, i would work
at City University as well. it should be okay i guess.. i need to save money. it's hard. but yea...

about my friend, that girl... i dont know... i didnt really speak with her... but her old boyfriend kind of figured
it on his own already. i read his mesg. i dont think my dear friend tried to tell the truth. sigh.
i wonder if ppl really think... "what s/he doesnt know wont break her/his heart" i guess sometimes ppl do
know, but they just dont say. when you think it's okay, it's actually not okay at all. not telling doesnt mean
dont know anything, doesnt mean okay. maybe the person is just waiting to hear the truth, or just waiting
for a chance to see... if there's any reason good enough for her or him to.... you know, forgive.
but forgiveness is like... difficult to do.. is it conditional or unconditional? if it's conditional, it's just like
penalty plus lessons. you do something or follow my rules, then you can have my forgiveness.
if it's unconditional, that's more like love. but even when you want to forgive, it's hard to let go and move on.
so... what makes you want to forgive that person, and... what about next? is that person gonna do that
again? do you trust that person?

i dont know. it's not good to comment on the others, except you're part of the affair.
just coz i can understand that doesnt mean i would want to be in the same position.
i dont know how many times i might actually have been into the same position already, i just dont want to say
anything, till i can see everything clear enough.

Stephen asked me to keep looking for the better part time job, yea i'm going to do that..
then also.. i wanna go jogging tomorrow. it's really addictive. haha.. strange. i wanna add something more..
i wanna go to the dancing class or yoga class.. but it needs money. so.. not at the moment.
then also i really would need to tidy up my stuffs. i need space for my work stuffs and some documents.


honey is having his lunch break... guess after his break, i would go to bed..




>>July 3, 2009 at 7:44:01 PM GMT+8

2009 年 7 月 1 日 星期三 【晴】

i got up ard 11... then i got ready to go out having lunch with auntie Priscilla.
it was okay, we had dim sum together. then.. walked around. she wanted to do some shopping and wanted me
to show her around Tai Po. it's fine.

i came home like already 5 pm... then i just rested and got ready to go jogging.
i came on line for awhile.. hummm just like this morning..

Miki and i went to the sport ground this time... we were there for 1 hr 20 mins... quite long actually..
i was running for my first 2000M in my first 20 mins... then i walked for awhile... then i finished my last 1200M.
my thighs pain... i got mussel pain.. then i just kept walking till i left there.. i didnt really stop except for water..
it was okay. i quite like it. but i think i cant do it everyday though... but maybe later i can do it everyday.. maybe..
coz right now.. i just started again, so i cant do it everyday. maybe every two days.. or i dont know. but later
i would add more different kind of exercise.

i came home resting and shower... then watching tv... i'm tired, but it's good to exercise. it feels good.

i got a mesg from Kim... he was trying to... advice me on my job and study.. thanks...
but... he called me Ms. princess peach. i find it kind of weird.. i know he's sweet, but it's weird.
i dont know how to reply him.

i didnt discuss the problem i found yesterday with anyone, till just now Alesja brought that up.
i saw myself changing you know.. before, i would just show everyone that i'm upset, i'm this or that..
now... no... it's my problem, i deal with it myself. but if ppl ask about it, then... depends on that person i think..
i might not tell everything, i just wont tell everyone about myself anymore. if you know me well, you would
always know who i am... and i dont need to say too much then you would already know if i'm happy or sad.
and you trust me just like how much i trust you. you support me and love me as much as i do for you.
when there's no one on my side or think i'm doing sth stupid, you would give me your honest view,
but you would still respect me, coz you know my outside and you know who i am inside as well. thank you.
this is what a friend would do for me, especially those who are my close friends and my best friends.

i talked with my friend today. the girl. i asked her if she knew what she's doing. she knew. so... she is just
having a boyfriend, and also telling her friends about another boyfriend. and like me, knowing both or her
boyfriends, i feel bad. what's wrong with the old one? doesnt he deserve the truth? okay, so the new
one doesnt know much either. i wonder if she really likes either one of them. if i were the new one, i would
be living in a dream thinking how lucky i am. my girlfriend brought me to her friends. if i were the old one,
if i dont know anything about it, i would be living in a dream, and she would forever owed me something.
if i knew it, that could be the biggest insult ever. and how surprising it is no one, none of her friends have
ever told me anything. my girlfriend is showing off her best friends about her boyfriend, but that person is not me.
if the new one found out, just break up, you know... being fooled for a short time... compared with the old
one, if i were the new one, i was still pretty lucky..

you know, i wonder what my friend's doing. i wont go meet up with her new one.
i really wanted to ask her but i didnt ask... if she's ready to lose the old one. if she is, then do whatever
she wants. but dont regret for that. coz anyway all of her friends know she has a new boyfriend.

i found this song very suitable for her. i thought she has made up her mind, but actually there's no such thing.



我们绕了这么一圈才遇到 我比谁都更明白你的重要
we have walked around and around till we finally met. i know better than anyone how important you are to me.
沉默久了我就决定了 决定了你的手我握了不会放掉
silence after silence, then i have made my decision not to let go of you and your hands
我们绕了这么一圈才遇到 我答应自己不再庸人自扰
we have finally met, i promised myself not to worry too much
因为我要的我自己知道 只要你的肩膀愿让我靠
because i know what i want, it's only you who can let me rely on


Stephen would be having his first day at the new office. i wish him a nice start today.
honestly... i'm very tired. and i dont understand why there have to be so much lies between people.
i dont lie. i dont. but why i would need to see ppl lying to me, and lying to their beloved ones...
you thought the person wouldnt lie to you, you trust that person so much.. but actually, so what?
why cant be the stupid one that would never found out being lied and cheated.
is faith just something ppl talk about for gaining ppl' trust?

forget it...
i truly wish that my friend would think twice, the old boyfriend should just move on, and the new one...
i dont know... good luck with the name of "boyfriend".


this song is for myself..


>>July 2, 2009 at 7:47:49 PM GMT+8

2009 年 6 月 30 日 星期二 【晴】

Today is the Hong Kong day.
it's too bad i didn't find anything special.

i got up ard 1 pm. i got a bit mussel pain. it's okay. i dont know why i'm a bit moody today.
i came on line... then hang around home.. chatting with honey... then got ready to have lunch with my family.
we had dim sum today.. after that... we walked to Tai Po Centre... Miki and Leggy bought 2 t-shirts at Marathon,
then we shopped for dinner... and walked home.. it was okay but the sun was going off, so i didnt go jogging..
i really wanted to but too late. i got home resting, and on line... then saw him still there.. hummm he sleeps very
late these days too, just like me? i dont know.. then yea... i helped with dinner a little bit..

i'm very tired today. you know.. actually... i think i probably saw something i shouldnt have seen.
i couldnt say i find out something.. coz... these days.... what you see and hear could be wrong, unreal,
and what's real that you probably wont see. and i remember someone said... sometimes it takes faith and
trust to see the truth in time, coz sometimes it doesnt show. after so many things that happened, i thought
there's already a very clear line in between all the right and fault to do. but i guess this line has never
existed. i wasnt the one to set this, and i'm not the one to cross it. you know, what can mostly scare you
is that... while you didnt expect something happened, it happened; but while you have expected that would
happen, it didnt happen and you wondered why, and then right after that, it just comes back with more than
you expected. i'm asking how are you supposed to handle this? i dont know what i'm talking about already..
i tried to talk with her, i dont know if she understands what i mean.

you know the power of words isnt about the word, it's about how ppl perceive it.
say, if something doesnt mean so much to you, you wont care too much about that thing. if it's broken or stolen,
you feel bad for awhile, and you get over it. when ppl saw it with you, they dont find anything special,
coz it doesnt mean much to you or themselves. but if you are telling the whole world how much this thing means to
you, then everybody knows how important this thing is to you. the message is so clear that, this thing is very
important to you. this is yours. if this thing isnt actually that important, why do you make the fuzz about it?
and if it is so important, why dont you just admit this. if it is so important to you, then you're giving the name to it.
you're making it public.

if i were the one sitting around watching how this girl picking her favorite fruit, i wish i wouldnt be selected.
especially if i were her favorite kind, i wish i wouldnt be picked. i wont want to be compared, i wont want to
worry about if i would still be her favorite kind. i wont want any jealousy game or involved in a fight.
life has to go on, it's not really my business. i hope my friends would think twice.

anyway... i got a mesg from a friend. i'm surprised all of the sudden he has a girlfriend now! he used to be
like a little brother to me, telling me his problems, talking with me.. then sharing my tears when i cried..
then yea.. it's so funny him used to tell me he has no interests to find a girlfriend yet. i was kindda thinking
as a sensitive guy like him, there's no way he wouldnt fall in love with a woman. and he was trying to hide
himself sometimes, then now he has a beautiful girlfriend. haha i was surprised by him. then yea, he saw
my new picture on my MSN... the he asked me if it was new, he couldnt chat with me now coz his gf
was gonna get jealous. then i was like what? i'm not that pretty and i'm older than you. hummmm then he
told me "so is she." hummmmmmmmmmmmm... okay..... ? haha.. whatever.

i saw some weird ppl on street today as well.. a bunch of sales ppl selling cell phone plans on street..
a few of them jump into me, and one of them said hey you when i passed by.. it was a bit crowd, so i
stopped by him.. then i wondered if i knew him coz he started talking to me.. but i had no ideas what he
was talking about.. he was trying to grab me... that's really strange. then i just excused myself and left..
my dad was quite near to me... and he was like staring at him asking my what happened..
i was going to tell him that guy is weird, then he told me i should never give them 1 second. he said i
should ask them to fuck off. then they wouldnt bother me. mom said she's a girl. then i started laughing.

anyway... i dont know... i'm still looking for another part time job..
and i would have lunch with my aunt tomorrow, then maybe i would visit Shan... or just come home
tidy up my stuffs. i need time to do that... then i would go jogging again. it's kind of addictive just like
chocolate. i dont wanna think too much for the others if it's not my business. even when it's related to
myself, once i know there's nothing i can do about, i just wanna drop it. and i hope the ppl can understand
that there's nothing to do with me. and i do hate ppl lying to me, i really do hate ppl taking me for granted.
ppl shouldnt be surprised with that, especially those who are so close with me, who knows me so well.

>>July 1, 2009 at 7:54:19 PM GMT+8