2010 年 1 月 15 日 星期五 【晴】

hi.

today is pretty bad.

i went jogging yesterday before work. i really need exercise. but i cant afford going to gym.
thats fine, i like jogging in the park or track anyway. so yea... then i got back pain as usual..
sore shoulders and neck. imagine sitting for a whole day and everyday as a routine.. my "chair" doesnt have back
to support my back. so its really tiring sitting in this position. its actually pretty bad for my back. and also my eyes...
the lights are too strong. so i get tired very easily. which some ppl wouldnt understand and that's why i dont really
tell ppl about that.

then.... last night, Mami, honey and i played wii... it was kind of fun. we chatted also...
if honey and i could always be as peaceful and no drama, then i would be very very happy.
as i said... when there are others around, his attitude would be much better. and so i would be more
cheerful around him. honesty is a good thing, when did it become some sorts of excuse for ppl to be rude
to your loved one? i dont know if he was telling joke or whatever. some words just simply should never
come out from the mouth. i dont know.

then this morning, i didnt really wake up in the morning. i got up at 12. but guess what time i slept last night?
4 sth am. so... its actually ard 8 hrs sleep which is normal. then he saw me this afternoon. he was surprised
i just got up. and when i got up, my back pain is back.

then i had my coffee... started getting ready to work. then i came out to clean my hands.. then...
he asked me to see the kitchen, and those bags of garbage were on the floor, fell out from the big bag.
he asked me like when did i put my garbage out. i said the day before, i couldnt even remember, but at least
not today or yesterday. then fine, i just put them back. i dont know why they were on the floor but fine.
i didnt even walk near to those this morning or last night. just no. then he saw me putting that back too.
and he came in again... another bag was still on the floor. then he said something like what's the problem
with my retarded state of mind. i was like, what's about that? he said that's the problem. i didnt even know.
okay, so the bag of garbage you mean? he said yes and hes putting that back.. he said it's shocking.
i just walked away. i didnt know what to say. he left... then i went back to my room, and passed by the
washroom. i just went in and told him like.... i just didnt know if i should touch that bag of garbage on the
floor. then i went back to my room. the thing is.... it's true. i really dont know what i should do and what i
shouldnt do. it seems like if it's not my thing, then i m not supposed to touch. so... he made a big fuzz about
my garbage bag was on the floor, which i didnt know why and not caused by myself. and i put it back,
and he saw it and he walked away. so that;s fine now i guess? but he supposed me putting the other person's
bag back there too, which i might get blamed if he didnt want me to, which i didnt know. so... again...
what the hell? i just find it more and more difficult living here. it's just a tiny thing, why making it big?
if it was me, if i saw that bag on the floor, i picked it up and put it back there. i wouldnt know why it fell
or who made it fell anyway. coz i wasnt there witnessing that happened, right?

and then i also realized the bread i was eating was Ayako's bread. i feel bad. coz Ayako never really buys
food on her own or goes out. and she paid honey to get herself food. so i thought honey bought those and
i asked him before that i could have some bread. so its really.... bad... i mean... i dont know. then he said like
thats why i should ask before eating. so... i m wondering like... whenever i wanna eat something i should ask.
i hate it but okay. then what about if he's at work or he's not home? it's their rules, fine. its super strange for me
but fine. i just want peace, i just want food. i dont want drama, i just want food.

at home... whatever i get, i share with everyone. i dont mind others eating mine.. and everyone is welcome
to share food. in someone's house, we are never supposed to ask for food. coz that's really rude. and thats
why i d never wanted or never felt comfortable to ask for food. thats just not right for me. if someone offers
you food, you are supposed not to eat, unless that person is really sincerely inviting you. then you have to
thank that person very sincerely too. and you should always share food and drink and other things with others
otherwise thats considered rude. so in this house, things are different. and especially when he cooks, and
he doesnt share with me, it makes me feel bad. but i also understand the situation so... i feel bad but i dont
complain. it does annoy me so much but i dont complain. and he is not just a friend of mine, if he is, fine...
but he's supposed to be the one who would take care of me when i need. and he's not sharing with me.
you know that's just not right for me, but i suck it up. i cook my own food, i buy my own stuffs with my own
money, that's fine. but now, in our situation. i dont really have money now. and everytime i want to eat something
i need to ask. i m learning to do that, and i m following rules. but i just dont understand why even it's so
tiny thing he has to make a big fuzz of it. if i want to complain, there are tonz of things i want to complain as a
girlfriend, but i havent complained.

its not like i want to go home or anything.
its just simply..... he has higher standard for me than the others... and if it's another person, he wouldnt
be rude or say certain things. i feel like coz i m his girlfriend, his attitude is even worse.

like sharing the washroom... i dont want to leave the room unless its necessary. i really hate sitting in the room
but for WORK, i have to. and this is my commitment to my job and myself. so when i want to go to washroom,
i try not to go. but when i do go, then i have to worry wether someone is going to use the washroom.
if someone clash with me, then it's my problem. why the hell is that? he just doesnt understand, does he?

i love him, but please tell me... what can i do?

i know its always true that... guys are good at the beginning of a relationship, coz they are the initiator...
and girls are better at keeping the relationship, coz we are the maintainer. after they got you... they knew you
are theirs, they wouldnt do as much for you anymore. they wouldnt care as much how you feel or what they
could do to make you happy to be with them. and when your guy is getting fucking bored with you, then you
cant blame them for that. if we are not good at nurturing our guy, then that would be our fucking problems.
sounds fair, doesnt it?

no wonder so many girls are playing mind games out there these days.

>>January 17, 2010 at 6:57:16 AM GMT+8

2010 年 1 月 12 日 星期二 【晴】

hello.

last night, i just left a short mesg here then i decided to stop writing and got some rest..
coz i just didnt know what i should say or do.

it did took me awhile to think and... realize things before admitting that i did screw up again.
and then of course i m not screwing myself only, and... if it's just about myself, i could suck it up.
but when it comes to... affecting the others, especially honey, i just....... got so much complicated feelings inside myself.
i just dont know why i could create so much troubles while i m staying here, coz itd never happened to me before,
when i was staying in other families or with friends or home.. just never got these kinds of troubles..
and in the past 4 years in this house, no one had ever created troubles as i have done here. so its like... why..
and honey couldnt even think of why just like i do. i cant understand myself how stupid i was, how retarded it was.
its definitely upsetting and frustrating. and what we both worry is... we dont know what's next, and it really
concerns us both so much. because...... it's like... something very simple as in common sense i couldnt handle them.
how could that happen so extreme? why everytime extreme and weird things happen on me all the time?

is it like..... when we are together, we would just keep having problems? i m worried... i dont want to run away
from my responsibility of the problems i created. but somehow i do wonder and think carefully about what happened
and why i would have done stupid things like this... i wonder if its about the environment i am in, or with the ppl,
or different situation. again, i dont want to find excuses for myself, but i do want to find out reasons so that i could
avoid things and pay extra attention on certain things.

i cant let him worry about home when he goes to work. i cant let him have the feelings he has to take care of me
like babysit me. i cant let him think that he has a 5 year-old gf, i cant let him take me as his burden in his life like
important moment in his life right now. i m supposed to HELP him here NOT to DESTRUCT his life. i cant let him burn
out because of me.

i want to be the girl who would make my guy proud of having me. i want to be the girl who can take care of the
house when my guy goes to work. i want to be that girl my guy would be able to relax after coming home.
i want the be that girl who can be responsible in the kitchen, in the laundry room, in the living room, dinning room,
in the bedroom, and be classy in the public. i m that kind of person i am supposed to be. i dont want to be perfect,
coz i know i cant be... but you know.... i do have my standard for myself... and if i cant reach it, i feel like a failure.
i want to do so much in my life, and its all related to the ppl around me, my family, about ppl, about the society.
but if i cant even make sure my guy and my family wont worry about being with me, or say if they constantly have
to worry about me, then what the hell am i doing? no matter how great i can do at school or at work, it is just
not right, coz there are so much more i want to do, and these parts of my life are so important to me.

i m not living for someone else, i m living my life for myself, but i m not so self-centred. like, i would rather pause
my study plan and other things in HK just for coming here to be with him and help him. its not like totally un-planned
or whatever. it's part of the long term plan of us, but the thing is.... why i keep screwing up here? its just not right.
i m learning everyday.... its like a booty camp for training my patient and full of challenges of my abilities for taking
care of myself.

i m glad that i m here as in.... this is probably one of the most difficult moments is our life, but still we could be
together and face things together.. not like we are falling apart or anything. but i do worry about things between us.
at some point, i know he must be very angry and frustrated with me, coz i am very frustrated with myself,
very very very guilty and feel really terrible about not being able to do much but keep screwing up things without
even realizing things. and when i told my friends how stupid i am, and they told me not to worry or i am not that
bad.. but the thing is, its the reality that shit happens and they happened now and more than once. how much more
we could take? i am a very responsible person, as if something happened, i would take responsibility but not running
away. and now shits happened coz of me and i cant even make things up, what the hell??

on one hand, i worry... on the other hand... i see how much he loves me. if it's not love, there's no way he could
tolerate things happened like these. i do appreciate his love, and i love him as much, i would probably do the same
if i was him. but just that............ i feel so guilty i cant do my part well, i am not playing my roll right. and i want my
roll so bad, i want so bad so bad to do my part well, but i m just not doing right.

i want to make him breakfast or early lunch for him before he goes to work... but i m sleeping at 6 am something
i just couldnt get up before 10 am. even 10 30 is tough for me, coz i cant only sleep 4 hrs and work through a
whole day. and i also realize the problem is not only about the amount of time making some easy cheese sandwich
as breakfast, but it's some other kind of issues there, so.... i dont know..

and then.... i saw the food in the kitchen... and i dont know if i could eat them as the share-food or... they belong
to other ppl. i dont know. i need to ask but i dont feel comfortable asking for food. so its like.... i dont know what i
should do. and like washing dishes.. the only reason why i rinsed them is coz i d never left dirty dishes on the
counter coz thats very rude. you use them and you wash them. sometimes i might forget if i m too messy in my
head, but still its very rude. but i just............... should be careful with the counter. i m so stupid.
i m not comfortable with asking for food or money, coz i m the type of person who would rather work things out
on my own than asking for help. so if i need help, i just always wait till the last min... but then these days, since
i keep asking him for help on different things, i just realize i cant ask help at the last min, coz this would affect
other ppl' schedule which i really dont want to. but then i feel very uncomfortable asking for help. its just... not
my thing. and also... about the laundry... sometimes i thought if no one was using it on my laundry day, i thought
i could just wait for awhile before getting them out, coz once i m at work, i dont want to leave my work. coz...
i m always waiting for response in front of the computer, i dont want to miss any messages. coz this is so freaking
important to me and to us now. same as why i dont go exercise or i refuse hanging out with my friends often,
coz i cant afford losing time at work.

i cant afford anything, i cant afford proper meals i used to have, i cant afford shopping or hanging out with friends,
i cant afford taking time off unless something really meaningful. i have nothing here, and i cant afford anything more.
you know, in HK.... rice for me is like...... i dont life rice, i dont eat much rice, coz i have other food to eat..
like mom would cook a few dishes, and soup or dessert, then also have fruits and snack.... but now... if i have
a plate of plain rice, i would be very happy about that day. coz it would satisfy my stomach, and that's just as
basic as i need now. i m running out of snack in my room, coz i d never really bought snack in a while already.
and after them, i dont know if i can still get snack. and when i think of what honey told me, i think having snack
is a bit too much now, as if i shouldnt even have snack. and i m serious about that. so, all my habits in life have
changed. and these all i am dealing with and facing now.

when i told my friends i do have problems here, trying to face problems and dealing with things, especially
when it comes to food and basic living conditions like that, or what troubles i have created... my friends would
say like oh you chose to go over, ppl wanted you to stay in HK or come back but you chose to go over...
you have to cheer up blah blah... yes... i know... but i got the feelings like they never really understand
the situation i am at. coz i just see no one, NO ONE that i know of have experienced anything similar as i am
doing now. i m sure everyone have different stories and difficulties in their life... but have they ever got
troubles with food, with rent, with loans, with creating troubles for others, and being in another country
having cultural differences all at the same time? some of my friends grew up in difficult families or situations,
some of my friends parent died... and now i would have more respect for them coz..... living in rough life is
like...... you gotta be really tough to handle these.

i just want to be the girlfriend that would do the right things for my guy.
just want him to feel alright, relaxing, loved, and have fun time with me.
i want him to feel secure with me and he wont worry about home when he's out to work.
then when he comes home, he could relax and have fun with me.

i think i should drop here now...

>>January 14, 2010 at 1:52:54 AM GMT+8

2010 年 1 月 11 日 星期一 【晴】

i screwed up again.
very sadly.

>>January 13, 2010 at 11:30:20 AM GMT+8

2010 年 1 月 10 日 星期日 【晴】

i hate myself being grumpy... maybe i should try thinking positively.
he said Chinese are self-centred. maybe i am too.


that night, something very very embarrassing happened. the thing is... i have been waiting to .... get close with
him, coz i really wanted to... but everyday he seems so tired, so..... i didnt want to you know... but then....
something really embarrassing happened. i dont even know how could that happen??

and last night, we visited his friend, also with Mami. we had a good time. so.. sometimes i dont know if its my
problem of cant stand being bored or what. coz..... while i m not working, i m fine.
i love him, i do. and i dont know what if i go back to HK, then........ i dont know. it would be just... i dont want
to think about that right now.

and then........... today.... i was kind of pissed. coz... its like.... i didnt really expect he would need to give me
a ride or whatever. i just told him i need to get something in the store. but then he said he didnt know if he
would go there. fine..... then i was getting ready to work, but i need a coffee first. so i was waiting to make my
coffee... and he asked me if i m getting ready to work, yes. but then i also need to go to the store, like quite
far from home by walk, and actually i dont mind walking there, coz i want exercise, and i would love to take
a walk. but then he said something like i should go now, its like why i was making coffee, i should have gone
already. well he didnt tell me before if he was going to the store, and i dont know when i should go anyway.
probably waiting till almost evening to get going. i was planing to work first. i was really exhausted this afternoon
when i got up, then i was very hungry, and i just needed a coffee first no matter what i was going to do.
if he told me earlier that he wasnt going anywhere, it's fine. i could manage my time. but you didnt tell me,
and now you question me and ask me to go right away, not even let me make my coffee. it's like..... why?
i was just pissed off when i left. i just said thats fine. coz what else should i say or do? if he knows i m angry,
he is gonna think i m a bitch. then on the way, i just ate some fries... and i also went to Safeway to get muffins
and cookie dough. i dont know... i dont have much cash with me now. and i guess my shopping list isnt that
demanding at all. but he wont remember anyway, will he? then why asked me to write him what i need?
and then he's not helping me to get them, and i dont know... i just dont know... i dont want to feel like i m sucking
in his money or anything. coz the thing is, i dont like this either. if i have money, i would rather do everything
on my own. and again, coming to money, i m guilty and dont know what i can do. i hate it. just HATE it.

i cant blame him, and... i m just......... stressed.

the lights are shooting at my face and my eyes every moment. and i m sitting in this setting 8 - 10 hrs everyday.
i m getting fat, coz i dont want to take time off to exercise even though i really want to. coz i would feel guilty
if i take time off. when i m not working, i m thinking about work, i am worried about work. but when i m working,
i feel like i'm in prison.

no interaction with ppl, sitting and cant be distracted. its torturing. and if i m distracted, ppl would look and think
what the hell. so.... what the hell? when i'm trying my best, the performance is still shitty.

you cant really tell your friends coz no one is gonna understand. and even if they do, they would think this is
my choice and i m an adult. if everything is just that simple black and white, then there wont be so much
crazy ppl out there, everything in this world would be just perfect.

my body is telling me that i'm screwing up myself. and my mind is also very tired and i'm guilty..
this is probably one of the most difficult period of time for me... feeling all the fatigue physically, and then thats
still okay... and working this job is like totally empty and torturing. sigh.

Cas, you are not gonna give up so easily, right?
please be patient... just be more patient. you have to have faith in yourself.

>>January 11, 2010 at 7:25:20 AM GMT+8

2010 年 1 月 7 日 星期四 【晴】

sorry i have been a bit.... lazy and moody, so i didnt come back.
and i was taking time to think.

in the past week, i was just trying to put every efforts into the business hoping it would get better.
at first it was ok, but then after that, things go back to normal, which is not good.
once ppl get used to your new ideas and things, freshness is gone, ppl are gone. coz there are too much
fishes in the sea, too much flowers to pick, too much food to eat. you never missed any choices, especially
you are not the one in control. so.... i have nothing to say but just do my best. which for me it's just unacceptable.
coz i cant stand myself just sitting here watching things happen like this,... but with no control, you could only
watch things happen but you cant even change a single thing. and that's just part of the life, and everyone knows it.
knowing it is different from accepting it. coz even though you know, you just know, but you dont accept it.
you dont get over it untill something is done, which might bring new hope. and hopes up and hopes down.
back to the beginning.

while i was giving some idea trying to do something, i saw honey's mesg and i just.... dont know what to say.
i just cant give up like that. i dont know much what i can do, but i cant give up so fast.
and i m worried, coz the situation is not good at all.

today i met up with Hailey to pick up my letter, then i met up with Hong. yea, how often i can see my friend
from HK here... then i met up with Cyn for lunch with Hong. it was an interesting day. it's been more than a
month i havent been to Downtown already. i used to go there quite often, but just not these days anymore.
then now... yea.... it was a great time today. i love catching up with Cyn... and Hong was kind of funny.
it's always nice to see old friends, coz they know you well, and things are all natural and no weird feelings.
friends are just like that. he used to be quite close with me once we were the president and vice president
at the student union in school. i hated working with him coz i always needed to take care of his work.
he's late and he's not working much... and i was the one running the operation basically. so i always fought
with him at school. and everyone was on my side in the team. so anyway... he's a very protective guy to
me after work at school. he just strange in a way he would show ppl that he cared about me, but he never
really said something to me. he would just compete with other guys who liked me, but he wouldnt admit wether
he liked me or not. he kept pissing me off then said something ironic to see how i react. i just disliked him.
but hes always protective to me, like would help me and take over things from me, if necessary, even though
i didnt ask him for help, except the work at the student union. so i still considered him as my friend after all.

then today... we talked a lot.... we talked whatever.. like being very honest about shit and stuffs happening
these days. i didnt tell him everything but in a way he was very honest with me about things that he saw
about guys. and i know he was telling me the truth. like he would sleep with others behind his girlfriend.
he's picky about girls, wont sleep with everyone. and he sorts of saying.... he would cheat on his gf with me.
i told him.... i have lots of pressure going on in my life at the moment. and i m bored these days and lonely sometimes.
so it's very tempting. i thank him for his honesty and i appreciate that... however, if something happens
between us, i wont want to lie to my bf, but i would also dont know how to tell him. so... no. i cant.
he said then its ok i should stay with my bf and be a good gf. i told him it's hard to be a good gf.
he asked me why... i said its just difficult.

i guess i just learn from the experience. i dont want to make my life more complicated. so i just simply dont want
to let myself have the chance to get too close with someone else.

today is the first time i ever felt attractive and confident again in these 3 months i m here. coz i know whatever
i do today, it's just me, and i wont need to worry if i am stupid. i dont have to think too much before i talk or ask
something. coz the ppl around me they would know when i m serious when i m just joking. they would know
why i am such goofy and why i am beautiful in my way. they would appreciate it all, coz it's me, and they like me.
i walk like me, i talk like me, i eat like me, i greet ppl like me, i say what i want to say, i tell what i think.. and i am
the way i am, i feel beautiful. they know the way i speak sometimes it seems kind of naive or like a child, but when
it's something serious, they know i have my points and they appreciate my personalty. and thats why ppl like me.

but while i only work at home, i seldom go out, i cant do anything much, cant even exercise, i dont socialize much,
everything good about me just got no way to go. i become boring and unattractive.

with honey, i m trying to take things slow. i listen what he has to say first before responding.
i hope it would help. like what i said, sometimes ppl just dont understand including myself.

last time, honey mentioned about being an adult.
he said then now i should act like an adult. so this week i have been.... thinking and... doing whatever i can do.
i didnt really cry or complain much.. but i keep thinking of what i can do more or better.
my life here is difficult enough. and i also start making dinner on my own. so, less instant food, and no more
cup noodles. but at least make some pasta or congee. the thing is i got some serious stomachache a few days
ago. i was like........ so dead.... and he was laughing coz i was funny. i couldnt even sit straight. he didnt really
take care of me. well, i didnt need him to, otherwise he is gonna think he's babysitting me. i think when ppl is
sick, they should be taken care of, coz this is one of the ways to show you care about that person and you
love him or her. doing this is not for only showing though, it has to be from your heart. otherwise its just acting.
but then if you didnt want to take care of your gf/bf when s/he is sick, which they need you the most, then
when are you gonna take care of that person? i dont see much chances or necessaries.

it feel so good when honey is being honest with me about things... but at the same time when he is being rude
and cruel, it's just.... not just about honesty. its the attitude. it's like you wont see him doing this to any of his
friends, does that mean he doesnt show his real self to those ppl? no, but he knows he has to be polite.
but while with me, he can be himself totally, then it becomes like the punishment to me to take his attitude coz
i m loved by him. i know it sounds strange, but that's the thing. the closer relationship you have with the person,
the more real sides of yourself shown.

i wonder how come life is so complicated... especially being an adult... i d never considered myself not an adult...
and i dont think i need to force myself to experience how tough life i could get just to learn to be an adult.
things would just come naturally, good and bad things, nice and bad ppl.... lots of them are just naturally happened
in our life, not by choices. there are certain things you can prepare for your own future, but not everything.
i could only do my best no matter what kind of circumstances i am in. doing whatever adult people would do doesnt
make you become an adult. facing problems and you cry it doesnt mean you are a child. only for those who have
commitment to themselves in life, and willing to work hard everyday to strive for a life, then growth would happen.
you cant expect then tell what an adult is like, or say being mature. coz... at my age, am i mature? sure i am.
for those who are 10 years younger than me, there are huge difference. for those who are 10 years older than me,
i would always be a child or immature to them. but in general, okay, what do you mean by in general? coz if it's in
general, definitely i am much mature than a lot of ppl in the entire world. so, who are you comparing me with?

brb

>>January 9, 2010 at 7:32:01 AM GMT+8

2010 年 1 月 1 日 星期五 【晴】

hello..

hummm on the 31st.... nothing special happened. it was just... boring.
i mean it was really boring. i didnt expect anything at first, so... i was just working as usual.
then at night, i took a quick shower and got ready to do the countdown with honey..
he mentioned some idea and work stuffs... then i thought about a teacher of mine from LSC,
then i started talking, and he was pissed off at me. i was so pissed by him too. i wanted to go back to my room.
i seriously wanted to. coz it was very rude. i thought no matter what i have said something wrong or he really
thought that i misunderstood him or something, he could explain or even told me how wrong it was.
but he did not. and if i didnt think through what he has said, i would have been so pissed and left.
again, he thought i dont understand him. okay fine. i wonder why we couldnt just take things slow.
is it really necessary for him to shout at me that way? Ayako came down. so, i didnt get the chance to leave his
room as well. i didnt want to affect Ayako, and didnt want to ruin the countdown or causing any scene.

i guess he knew i wasnt happy about that. after the countdown i left his room with some excuses.
but then i went back after awhile. you know why. anger is anger, it doesnt mean i dont care about him anymore.
i asked him if he wanted a massage, i remembered what he said, and i asked again... i just want him to have
a better sleep.

the next day... i was still in bed while he got up already. he came to my door and checking on me..
how often does he do that? hummmm not usualy but sometimes, like once in awhile. then we had coffee
together before i started working. sweet. hee.

then at night, i just needed his help... i needed him to help me printing some doc..... thanks him a lot...
he was very quick. i forgot to thank him though... he put them on the stairs. he asked me today if i have
got them... yea, thanks. but in my heart, there're more than just a word "thanks".
at night, Dave came over... so we hang out together... it was kind of funny.... we had a good time..
and then yea...sometimes i really want to get close with honey but i'm shy. maybe i m just.... worried too much.
i know i m... always afraid of being rejected.... so... i always need to encourage myself to speak up,
to push myself to..... show things out. i could do it pretty easily in front of the others... but with him its different.
i understand myself being shy in front of the person i love, but i dont want it affecting us so much.
i dont know what he thinks... he probably feels the same... he always says something like ppl should be
themselves when being in a relationship, should be honest. i think so too. it just takes me longer time with
him... but i guess we cant blame anyone.. coz in the past, i was already scared through all the things
happened between us. so... it would take a longer time to rebuild everything basically. the most important thing
is..... i do love him so much, so i m still very faithful in us. i know he loves me too, i know. i really know.

this afternoon we met up at his barber shop. i dont know what they were talking about, but i knew somehow
there's something its about me. then when we were taking a walk, he told me they mentioned about me. haha.
then.... yea.... i love hanging out with him when it's relaxing. coz i also wont need to worry about if i would
do something stupid or if i would be wrong about something. i dont have to be so self-conscious or nervous.
when he's relaxed he's the funniest and nicest guy i have ever met. it just feels so great and happy to be
with him. sometimes he's like a child too, very cute. and sometimes he's just the man among men. i'm very
proud of him and i m so happy to be his girlfriend. he doesnt know these, and i should let him know.
as i said, i love him... what i can do.... is to accept his good and bad. coz this is him.

as a girlfriend, there are so much and so much i suck at, i would really need to learn to be a good girlfriend.
my friends think i m a great girlfriend for guys.... well.. that's too general. and i would only want to be better
for him anyway.

he is helping me to solve the food and coffee problem. he knew i m worried i guess... well....
i am trying to make food for myself. i need to take care of myself, otherwise he is gonna think i am a baby,
which is insulting. it's not that i cant take care of myself, just that i m a girl, sometimes i just want to be
taken care of when i need someone. its more like a psychology thing than the ability in my situation.
its not a survival thing, it's just a feeling thing.

he mentioned about being an adult today...
but i think i should get some sleep first.... really sleepy already.....
brb

>>January 3, 2010 at 1:33:53 PM GMT+8

2009 年 12 月 29 日 星期二 【晴】

i kissed him. oh well.. i love him. hee.
i hate doing 4 hrs massage, but this is what he needs and what i can do, of course i m doing for him.
and i think he likes my kiss. hee.

i'm hungry again. i m very tired. i worked for 11 hrs today. i got 3 hrs sleep last night...
i dont know... i m stressed... i m running out of time for everything... for work, for the student loan..
then again... food is a problem for me. i really need to figure out time to make food for myself..
and also.... how to share food. i dont know why things are so complicated in this house but i'm living here
so i gotta respect how things work here. so.. yea... i'm not complaining but it just sucks. it really sucks.
coz its like i cant get enough sleep. i dont have much personal time, i work most of the time, 7 days/ week now.
and i need to worry about my skin coz of my make up, and i'm wearing make up pretty long hrs these days.
then i worry about the bath room schedule, coz when i'm at work, sometimes i m not so free to go to the
bath room when i want to go. but then i dont want to disturb the others as well. then now, coffee machine
is an issue, how to share food is an issue that i have to watch out. and it's like i dont have money to shop
for food, which actually i cant have as much freedom in any single ways. i accept that. but then, if i even
need to worry about my basic meals, i just feel so terrible. coz... i guess i'm so used to my family,
we always have more than enough food, fresh food and snack... so much food at home... so now it's like...
i dont really cook coz it takes me too long time, and too much ingredients i need that i cant get that much,
and how much am i gonna make when there's only me eating? then how long i'm gonna spend washing dishes?
so.......... for me... everyday is the same routine. get up, rushing to prepare for work.. then take a 10 mins
break to make toast, or microwave food, then... work... then till evening, shower, then find something to eat,
probably the same ideas as lunch... then hanging out with honey, massaging him, then i'm so tired and
sleepy.. come here checking mails, have some chocolate or candies.. then sleep.

i miss home so much coz.... i could have food which i dont have to worry about. i have my family, so i wont
be by myself all the time. well these days honey is always home with me so it feels much better now. thanks...
i miss HK coz i could work with the others and i could have control at work which now i dont. and i could go
wherever i want, do whatever i want as long as.... i want to. but here...... life is tough coz we are lack of
money. but i dont want to leave him here. i cant. i love him.

anway.... wish ppl happy new year in HK. i miss counting down with my crazy sisters and my parents.
it used to be so much fun. we would dance around and sing songs.. ha... and we would have cup noodles
after counting down, as our first meal or food in a new year. haha...

>>December 31, 2009 at 10:57:44 AM GMT+8

2009 年 12 月 28 日 星期一 【晴】

hi.

hummmmmm....... there are so much i wanna say but dont know how to start...
i want to write more, but.... now its time to go to bed. coz i should get up in 3 hrs..

yesterday... i didnt know it was his holiday..
he took me to the store, we did shopping together. he knew i was crying like hell that night..
and i wonder how he felt when he heard me crying.
he also bought me the burger meal, the same one with his. he usually would ask me what i would like to eat,
but i didnt this time. he ordered the one same as his. i wonder why.
then at night.. he made pasta, he knew i just finished work somehow... and i went for a shower, coz i didnt
know what to eat for dinner. when i went downstair to take some bread... i made him a drink and saw him
eating bread with pasta... i microwaved some cake from christmas... then he asked me if i would want
pasta. i tried a bit and they tasted so good. i asked if he still wanted them he said no but if i couldnt finish
them then put them in the fridge. so did he just save that up for me and he ate bread?

sometimes he's very rude and cruel as he knows it himself... but sometimes i just dont know....
he seems like doing a lot for me but he doesnt tell me, or i dont even know if he does that for me or just...
i dont know. but i do appreciate that. at least i wasnt terrified thinking what i should eat today the two meals,
and i dont need to snack around that often. i could have real food for meals.

i was supposed to get up early this morning, but my back was so sore like pain.... i just couldnt get up..
i woke up, laid in bed, but couldnt get uo... then i fell asleep, i woke up again, then it was ard 9 sth am..
i guess i shouldnt interrupt the bathroom schedule. then... yea..... then i fell asleep then i woke up ard 11 am..
he was still in, so..... i wondered what's going on but.... i couldnt get up. anyway i fell asleep again, then
i got up at 12, then just rushed up to work.

once i started working, i couldnt do serious stuffs like my personal things... there are tonz of stuffs i need
to work on. i need to update my resume, so then i can send some job application here. i need that as the proof
for job searching, coz i need to apply for my deferment of the student loan again. then i need honey to help
me printing out the form and then i need to fill in, write a letter, do some photo copies then send them to
my family, then let them to help me to apply for that. it's such the pain in the ass. and i just got their letter like
right before christmas to let me know that my LAST application was approved, which i applied like over 8 months
ago but never heard from them. once they approved it in Dec, now Jan i need to start paying again. WTF??

i just finished a phone call with mom... i didnt tell her what happened here... coz she has enough to tell me about
home.. sigh.. i m worried, i do...

and then... i got a few missed calls from HK... someone kept calling, so i finally took it...
it was from V-tech. they want me to go helping them on the exhibition again in Jan.
i remember last time was so much fun. i really like that job. meeting up with different buyers from all over the
world. getting to see the other V-tech ppl from other countries. and then... "acting" professional, you know,
dressing up, walking around in the HKECC, doing presentation and meeting. it was just interesting.
of course i wasnt professional working in V-tech. but i knew their products, and my job was just introducing
the products, showing and explaining the features right... and it's like they dont do open house, and it was
the only company there that is having the show room closed, by appointments only. and all the visitors were
trying to get in but without an appointment they just couldnt. it was really cool. but i m not the real staff there anyway.
its just an interesting experience, coz other staffs they were all very nice to me. they would tell me different
stories. and coz that job was like ard the time i was rushing my paper... i only got ard 3 hrs sleep per night.
and i had to stand all day in the day time and rushing paper over night.. so i lost a lot of weight in that week.
i dont know how i could do that, but for the money i needed for my ticket, and also to get an A on my personal
research paper, i need to get both done perfectly. but then i fell pretty sick after that. it's like... to balance that
out was pretty crazy. its probably one of the craziest things i have done for my studies and work..
but then i knew what i was doing and knew how to do them right and perfect. so i just kept going, and i knew
i was racing with time and my body, but i got all the direction right... so.... by luck and with strong will, i have
them done both nicely and in perfect timing. but right now at work, for what i do, i dont have a damn control.
and so i hate it so much. coz... no matter how hard i work, it's just not my thing. and i'm as stupid on some
lighting issue, or some simple setting like that. i just have no clues.

anyway....... i feel so guilty still... i cant really forgive myself about that rent thing..
and then..... hummmm honey made another christmas dinner again. i love it so much... i really do...
but i asked a stupid question again.. was that a turkey or a chicken. for me, it's hard to tell.. coz i d never
seen a turkey in this kind of..... "shape" i saw it in package wrapped, or with feather on tv which i dont
really remember but reminded by honey. so... yea... and he was like... so shocked i couldnt tell that was a
turkey. anyway... thanks him for the big meal, i feel so happy for the meal coz i dont really have full meal
like this for awhile already, except christmas night and some occasions once in a while when honey is in mood
to cook. but really, like a full meal like this, this is probably the first time since i left from home.
i want to kiss him or tell him how much i appreciate that, but........ Ayako was here, and then when later on,
just feel.... kind of weird to bring that up again, well, actually i should. it's appreciation, right?

and then... yea..... i know i always piss him off, i dont do it with intention but... i know i do piss him off..
i feel sorry and i wonder if i should ask him how not to be a stupid bitch.
sometimes it's not like i dont understand what he means, sometimes i do dont understand, but sometimes i do
understand... but he would think i dont understand or he just gets very impatient then just drop it.
it's like.... dude.... i understand and shutting me down like this is actually very.... disrespectful. well at least i am
trying to understand. but if you shut me down everytime, someday i might just lose my interest, its like why
should i try to understand when everytime while i m trying you just shut me down. and i know he thinks i m
stupid. i know he does. and i feel so stupid too as in i dont think i m that stupid, but being in this kind of
situation really sucks. i think i m not retarded, or should i keep telling myself that i am so retarded?

but you know.... i started eating cheese again... yea i do.... coz of him.
i have thought about having daily products again while i would be married and planing to have kids. i m sure i
would eat daily products again in my life only for carrying babies. but if its for my own, i dont think so.
but now here we go.... first, i eat cheese. not only on the pizza those cheese, but in the burger... when was
the last time i had burger and there was cheese? it was when i was 7 y.o. or maybe 8 y.o.
i should thank him.. coz if it's not him, i might not be eating cheese again.

he also got me a toy for christmas. a toy. haha.. anyway..... first toy, also ever seen like this one before..
then yea... i was working so...

actually, i wanna kiss him.. but.... hummmmm..........
i want him to know i do love him so much, i do... and i do appreciate what he has been doing for me..
i can see... his love.

>>December 30, 2009 at 12:21:38 PM GMT+8

2009 年 12 月 26 日 星期六 【晴】

right now, i just wish i could have a shoulder to cry on.

i have been sitting here for almost a whole day, and i havent even had my dinner. i was crying earlier on..
then while i was just got back to work, standing by, then he came check on me. he founds things were not
right. of course not right. i adjusted them. i wasnt in mood for work anymore after almost 10 hrs, i was ready
to take a shower, but then thinking if i should take a shower or work longer. then i thought about to check
something on line.. then he opened my door. and then he started talking to me... and it's like....... i dont know
what to say... i'm just...... all tired and..... once he's gone, i just cried. i couldnt stop. my lunch was some microwave
can food. i snacked around during work, then now i just had a cup of soy milk, it's hot coz it's fresh re-heat by
the microwave. if i eat crappy food and he sees it, he would say dont eat those or wonders why i eat those.
yes, those are the food that i never eaten when i was in HK, coz i never got the shitty chance to eat that crap.
now, coz of the time and the money, i fucking eat these everyday by choices. 5 mins to prepare by the microwave,
1 dollar each cost, at least it's not corn chips, what else can i ask for?

this christmas is one of the worst one i ever had...
i wasnt expecting so much, but i knew i was going to have my first christmas with him, and it would be nice
even though i couldnt afford any christmas shopping or i wouldnt be able to do much for christmas..
i was still looking forward to that.

on christmas eve, honey brought me some bad news. i was shocked and..... stressed and... guilty, and
everything. i'd never ever need to pay that HKD 5600 every month for anything. my student loan is the highest
concern to me when it comes to money, but this 5600 is far beyond that. and it's the mess i made.
honey is going to pay for me, which makes me really really guilty and there are more than that that i could never
ever be able to describe. and... he forgave me... that... he didnt even yell at me. i do appreciate that..
and i do feel like shit.

it totally ruined the christmas and everything... and it was my fault. not totally but in his eyes yea it is all on me.
when he told me technically there would be no problems but only feeling uncomfortable if they see me..
and then when i knew that they were gone, and yea i knew some guy would come back to repair stuffs, some
guy, not the landlord. why would i knew that person is one of the owners? he asked me to stay in my room,
i did, but i thought they were gone, and he warned me they would be back. but i dont know when and dont
know that repair guy is "those ppl". it's so fucked up, and i dont even want to explain coz he wont listen.
he just wont. he would think that's my fault coz he warned me. that's it.

i was glad that we had christmas together... and i do appreciate everything he has done for me..
his mom came over... i kindda understand his mom i guess while she does all the silly things... but... yea..
it's his family. his mom is actually quite funny. and i like those almonds and chocolates he gave me,
coz it's from him, even though its nothing special, and same with Ayako's.

but then like tonight.... i just cried.. and he even said like... it's the last time he would talk about that with me
on some work. he said he doesnt want to babysit me or keep checking on me.

the thing is.... i m not a guy, i talk and do things in girl's way. and i dont know how those lights work well. i know my
make up is gone coz i just cried and getting ready to off work and go shower. sometimes its not like you tell me
then i know exactly what to do next time. this is not my fucking damn thing. i know nothing about it.
i thought it looks okay but he doesnt. what can i do? i have been sitting here for 10 hrs, he only sees the worst
10 mins before i want to go. what? SO WHAT?! he thinks i dont listen to him? i wish i dont, so then i dont have
to be so upset crying thinking what i have done so stupid this time. i feel terrible coz it is really terrible.
i cry coz it's fucking killing me. if he cant understand, at least he should try, not just come up and frustrate me.
i dont even want to explain or tell him.. it's like........... when he came, he was angry and got a whole lot to tell me
what wrong with this and that. everything is wrong. i dont even know what to say.
if he's really my manager, then yes he should keep checking on me and the work... but not babysit me..
i understand that i m stupid to him and there are things that he would always worry about me. but i m not a baby.
he doesnt treat me as a baby, so i am not. how often does he treat me as some baby girl? so rare...
i dont even have my dinner, does he know? does he notice that? does he know what i need? he doesnt.
babysit me? when does he ever babysit me? when we are doing shopping, has he ever asked me what i need to get?
or he just hurried me at the last min asking why i havent got anything? then he stopped me getting me stuffs coz
he has he frozen food in hands. but then guess what, we were waiting in lines and using that self-check out machine.
it wasted a lot of time, didnt it? and those time might actually be enough for me to grab some cookies at least.
when he cooks, has he asked if i have eaten yet? does he even know? he always want me to be a tough person.
i am not a guy, i am not. i m very easy and simple. i dont need a lot of money or have my own business. i come
all the way here is not for learning to be a tough girl, not for the money. i am here coz of him, for him.
i m on my own while staying here with him. i dont fucking need anyone to babysit me. its just insulting.

why cant he just listen before talking.

i'm so tired.
it just hurts me so much. i dont believe that it's not working, coz i know we could do so much better than this.
but i just... dont know... i need to go to bed, but i know i wont be able to sleep well... i got back pain, and i'm stressed.
i dont even get a chance to tell him these today. there's just no way. it's either Ayako was around, or i was
just in a short break, thinking of a thousand thing. i dont know... i should go to bed..

>>December 28, 2009 at 11:13:18 AM GMT+8

2009 年 12 月 19 日 星期六 【晴】

hello.

i have been very busy in front of the computer but never really got time to come back here.

the last few days, i was just... basically worrying about the business going.. coz its really really bad, and its like
cant even find out the reasons. the chances are as i think, its really coz i m not japanese. ppl would choose a
japanese person to work with coz they are japanese, and i m strange to them, like alien. and there are other
reasons... as simple as that, i m not their type of ppl. i m worried because it is not like other things i have done
before that i know what i can do or how i can do better result. this is like really nothing i can do much but hoping
things would get better. its not something i m good at, and i just cant do much. at the same time, what i worry is
about honey. coz this is extremely important to him.

i got my student loans letter. so i need to figure out wether if i could start paying or i have to delay again.
the thing is, i kind of thinking i might not be able to delay anymore, which is now becoming a very huge problem to me.

and then.... christmas is coming really really soon. but i just cant feel it very strong. maybe coz this is the first
time i m away from home during christmas, or maybe i just have nothing much to do with christmas this year.
i used to be very busy writing cards, doing shopping before christmas. this year, i dont have to write as much
cards, i just need to write a few, and then not much christmas shopping as well. dont have money, and dont have
time as well. it feels kind of strange, coz i used to be very busy around christmas and i love that, it makes me feel
warm and happy. but this year i m just sitting in front of the computer most of the time, and i dont know.... cant
do much as well. but now i m actually very busy making the christmas gift for honey, haha...

i m actually really really glad to be here having christmas with him. like.... i dont know, this is going to be our
first christmas together. the thing is... every years i was saying i wished i could be here with him, and this year
finally i m here for christmas with him. how wonderful it is. but then now both of us are stressed and worried
about the business going down. it doesnt change my love to him. just adding a little bit sadness and worry to
the christmas now.

it comes to the end of the year.... i have graduated for a year now... thinking about what i have done last year...
there really were a lot of new experience and new stuffs in my life. i have learned so much too..
and most likely everything was kind of regarding to honey as well. it seems like my life cant go on without him.
coz he appears on every pages of my life, day by day. tell me what to do if hes gone.

you know what scares me is... i used to feel i dont want to come here... but then i came coz of the promise
and i do care about him and love him so much. it scares me now coz the thing is life is really tough for me here
but i rather being here with him than going home alone. i dont want to leave him facing problems on his own.
i dont want to leave him, and i want to be here to take care of him. and now i m worried he would want me to
go home and he would face these by himself. i know he is a tough guy, i know. so i dont need him to do that
showing me how tough he is. i just want to be with him when he is happy and when he is sad, as simple as that.

its very strange, as in....... the longer time i m here, the more i can see myself changing. i hope i m still who i am..
but the changes inside me is obvious. and you know.... i start to understand him more, and when there are the more
i understand about him, the more i can see myself in love with him, and i become more alike with him as well.
he told me a couple would affect each others in the life style and behaviors. yes, i know. i am so affected by
him already... is he affected by me too? somehow i think so. i dont know why, but.... yea.

i m so used to having him already. what if i go back to HK..... what it would be like to me?
and the thing is.... what about him? i dont want to leave him.

today i heard of what he planned to do... i was shocked. how can i not worry when things come to this serious.
i didnt show him how worried i am, coz the thing is....... i just want to listen to him calmly.
i would rather taking risks together by trying something new on the business wise, then letting him doing that plan.
i just............ dont know what to say.

i need him. we are not married, and i hate i cant depend on him.... but.... you know...... he is so important to me,
because i do love him a lot. it is very simple and pure.

today i finally make my first pot of rice...
i feel so happy to have rice... and i made cookies. they burnt but yea.. still eatable.. i would make better cookies
next time =) and then yea.... the rice was so yummy. i dont eat much rice in HK but here i need rice.
i need to eat healthier actually. i had too much cup noodles recently. its bad.. and i had too much mcdonalds.

i m living on budget now, it sucks.... but yea... i dont regret i have come here.

i m more independent than when i was in HK... its super tough, and i cry almost everyday... but then..
i learn to be a tougher girl as well.. and then yea.... when one day i become a mom, i wish my children would
see i m very feminine, but also would be able to be tough. i can take care of my children and i can protect them.
well maybe not physically but in general can solve problems... i could take care of them, raise them.
i just want to be a wonderful wife and a super mom in future.

this weekend.... nothing much happened... i was actually pretty mad on Fri night... we were at Safe On Food..
the thing is... sometimes he doesnt seem to understand the situation i m at too. if i cant even make sure about
my meals, i would feel terrible. and the thing is i constantly need to worry about my meals. and i dont have time
to do my shopping. i m also very poor now. then i just feel like to cry everytime when i m in this kind of situation.
he s the one supposed to understand these but he doesnt. i do wish i dont have to worry about food or i could
depend on him. but if i have to take care of myself, then i would have to. and its like training myself. but i just
hope that he can be a bit more sensitive to me. i m actually a very fragile, and sensitive girl.

anyway... i should stop writing now...
b.r.b.... need to check something..



>>December 21, 2009 at 4:00:08 PM GMT+8