2009 年 6 月 3 日 星期三 【晴】

''願君知我共你是同路，我當天當夕，像你一般痛苦， 身，困於此處，沒法與君一起並肩上，我亦無詞說斷腸。''
i hope you know i m with you. on that day, i was in pain as you. i was trapped here, couldnt
walk with you. i could say nothing to tell you how much pain it caused.

humm i saw that on Facebook from an old schoolmate. i wonder where he got it.

anyway, i had hot cake for breakfast with Shan. it was nice. its been long we havent had breakfast together.
i had a strong coffee this morning, so today was still okay. i wore my t-shirt from American Eagle today..
with the tube top, and a mini jeans skirt hummmm and i knew there were many ppl staring at me, especially guys.
i just ignored them. its like... whatever. i wear what i feel like to wear. i find them looking hot on me, but not cheap.

we went back to the office. we talked a lot actually... then i was working on my own, my resume and sending
out the letters. then Carole came to the office. i chatted with her for almost an hour. she told me about Ken,
her sons. Ken is now on medication, and its kind of new. hopefully this new drug would help. i told her like...
before i got a job or whatever, if there s anything i can help, let me know.. like... whatever. i wouldnt mind
to help. i m pretty free. then yea...

i had lunch with my parents.. then i came back to pick up my lap top and my stuffs, and worked on the letters
a bit... then i just packed and went home. came home working on the letters again, sent them, then.. rested a bit..
then got going to meet up with Katrina at Starbucks. so today i was like taking 2 hrs fast walk, sweat a lot.
today is just really hot. i hate it already. and now its only June, not even July or Aug yet. i melt....

then yea, talked with Katrina for 2 hrs... we talked about finding a job, and talked about the program. she really
had no ideas what she has to do... hummm so... we just came up with some general ideas. then working on
the details now. i asked her if she needs to write a proposal to her supervisor or something. she said yes..
then i asked her if she needs any help on the worksheets or the proposal, just give me a call. she asked me not
to worry about finding a job. she finds me very smart and presentable. the companies in HK would like to hire
this type of ppl like me. i thank her but told her i m not a very smart person, and what i have seen that day at
the tutorial centre. then she told me her friends were worse than me, but they still could have an okay job.
so i should be alright. i m worried, seriously. and tomorrow i am going to that recruitment event. sigh.

then i think about honey.. dont know how he is doing now. maybe he is busy. or... maybe he is stressed.
i miss him.

yesterday, Karen Ho mesg me on Facebook. i didnt really like her when we worked together. i found her a bit
rude to Shan, and she was a bit ruleless... like.. i had to take care of her mess sometimes, and she didnt ask
before she took things from the reception. anyway, she went back to UK already. and she has been on my
Facebook.. she just mesg me. i was happy that she mesg me. and... like Carole... i used to think she is the
pain in the ass at work, coz i had problems with Ella before about working with Carole. i wasnt sure if they
were misunderstanding or whatever weird was going on at work. i was just very very careful with her.
but now, when she has problems, her husband is that ill, i just hope that i could help with something. maybe
i m just weird. i used to..... be reluctant to work with them but i didnt have a choice. so i worked with them.
but now i could just avoid them all, but i would be happy when they contact me, and i would want to help if
they need me. so... i guess life is like that... at least for me it is like that. there is no real enemy actually.
at once there might be problems, but after all,.... its just nothing but.... memory and lessons. i could be the one
being angry at them but... so? i dont know. but i did have some times being really angry at ppl that i cant
forgive so easily. but after a few years or maybe longer, then? its just nothing left but memory and lessons.
its forgiveness and acceptance. before that, its really painful, but after all, its just nothing.

maybe i should thank honey again. coz.. what we did and the experience in the hotel did teach me many
things. its not like "a click" all of the sudden then i understand everything. but the it does help me to understand
more about life. i still cant understand how come he was willing to take so much risks for me. maybe i know,
but i m back in HK now. what should i do? we made the decision that i came back to HK first.
anyway.... i should go to bed.




>>June 4, 2009 at 5:32:49 PM GMT+8

2009 年 6 月 2 日 星期二 【晴】

i was back on the same day of the last week...
so.. i have been back for a week now. i feel so long already. and i hate it.

last night i slept ard 11 pm. i was too tired. i was like half dead. i fell asleep while watching tv.
i didnt meet up with Queenie, she wanted to change to another day. then today i got up early,
went out meeting mom to see a granny. auntie Lai's mom. she asked me to bring a red pocket to her mom.
so yea... met up with granny.. mom and her chatted for 45 mins at McDonalds. i was sitting and listening
for 45 mins. i wasnt paying attention all the time. but all i got was the compliment that she said i am very pretty.
thanks. thats all i need to know. hahaha.. no i mean thanks, at least i know i look pretty in granny's eyes.
she wanted to buy us lunch, but we rejected. i dont mind to take an hour to get there just for passing her
that red pocket. i m not doing that for a free lunch. anyway.. she is kind of funny and she is not stupid.

then came back to Tai Po.. we had dim sum with dad. finally i could eat BBQ pork bun. i wanna eat that
for long.. last time we didnt order that. and also i missed the fried dumpling. the last time i got it was in
Metro Town though. it was huge. but i like regular size, the bite size. so yea... then mom and i walked to
the supermarket to get food for dinner. i passed by a few tutorial centres. they were hiring tutors.
i went in and asked about the positions. they asked about my CE result. i told them i failed but i got a degree
now, and i have study Eng in an English speaking country before. then she was doubting on my qualification.
i was thinking fuck that. i m not graduated from the local university, so? i failed CE so? i m not worse than
any of your tutors working there. yours are the current uni students. even tough they got a B or an A
on Eng subject or other subjects, lets have a test to see who would get higher score. its kind of depressing
how much they weight the CE. read the news, the local uni graduates were complaint by so many
foreign big companies about their poor language, lack of experience, old fashion thinking. i dont understand
why they wont look at the big picture. whatever. even though they call back, i wont take that job. i dont think it
would be comfortable for me to work there. i m sure they would still make lots of unnecessary comparison.

i walked home.. reading the ad on newspaper and on line.. then working on the resume and cover letters.
honey gave me some advice before, and i think it is very important. i just write a few different letters for
different categories, then also customized a bit for each companies. i m getting quite impatient now.. i dont
want to be so desperate, but i really wouldnt mind to be a sales person or waitress. but you know what
depressing me the most is... the culture here is so different from Vancouver. it would be totally no fun,
low satisfaction working as those positions. and the pay is like super low. i wondered working in McDonalds,
it was like almost impossible for me to maintain a normal life. 5 days work for around HKD $4160/ month.
its much less than what Ella gave me. how could that be possible? but you know what, worst scenario,
i would work 6 days there for less than $5000/ month. its really depressing. and Starbucks would be the same.
what the hell is going on in HK...

tomorrow, i m going to the office with Shan after breakfast.. i would do some application work.
i would need to borrow the printer. then yea.. i wanna go to Marks & Spencer. i wanted to buy a tie for
honey before i went to Van, but i didnt buy it. then... his birthday is like 1 week after mine.. so.. i wanna buy
him a tie. i dont think i should spend that money, but... birthday is like once a year, and i dont wanna miss that.
so, i guess i should still spend that money. but after that, i would definitely need to work at McDonalds soon.

i would have a meeting with a old school mate. she invited me to work on a summer program in her church.
humm, i dont have any ideas yet, but i would like to see what i can do there. they would pay me some
little money for that. for me its like a big gift already. coz i do need money, even though i wont mind
volunteer my time for education in a church.

then on Friday, there would be a recruitment day in Wan Chai. i m going to try my luck there.

anyway... i dont know.. i find things quite depressing and stressful here. but i m sure honey is dealing with
his own problems as well. i dont see him on line so often anymore. i miss him so much. i dont know if he
is really fine or he just doesnt tell me whats happening. if he doesnt wanna tell me, there must be a reason
for that. i want to know why, but i dont think i should ask too much. i still think if he wants to tell me, he would
tell me. i miss him, but........ i dont know what i can do beside getting a job and make some income.
if i can have one wish, i just wish he would be always beside me. i can earn money with my hands to pay
my student loan. i can make money in 10 years to have a better living. but i want him... unless he doesnt
want me. then... thats it. i am not a greedy person.. i dont need to be very rich to be happy. i just want to
be with the person i love and have a normal living.

when i was there, this is my fav. especially on my bus ride and when i was taking a walk.
i like to listen to different songs. in the morning, doing make up, at night, reading, bus ride, walking...
this song has been always with me.



>>June 3, 2009 at 12:27:15 PM GMT+8

2009 年 6 月 1 日 星期一 【晴】

Hi there.

life is tough, but i keep reminding myself how much worse it could have be, i should consider myself lucky.
then i would stop being sad for a bit, and continue my life. is it just a way to move on and stay calm?
or is it just the way we should live life with? when you know you're in pain, keep telling yourself it is nothing,
continuing life with tears under the mask. being too weak can kill a life, so we should act strong and be
tough. i guess its just... nature... teach us how to survive. if you wanna survive, you gotta be tough and
strong. beat every single tears.

i thought of Tung. few days ago, he called me... asking me for some information for traveling... he is going
to travel with his girlfriend. i was so happy for him. i remember, we used to be close at school long time
ago. we had so much fun and good memory. he used to be someone i really wanted to be with. Before i
left the school, on the last day, we had a sharing section in class. everyone had to come out say something.
since everyone at school, really everyone including the teachers and the fellow students, were interested
to know wether we were couple. in front of everyone in class, i admitted that i liked him before, but i only
wanted to be his friend now. then everyone started making noise, clapping hands, whistling, then he cried.
it was one of the bravest thing i have done in my life. but of course i have done much more crazy things in
different stages of my life after that time. i used to think i wouldnt know what would happen, but i was sure
life is long, and so i would never be with him in the end. when i was younger, i was a little braver than now.
maybe coz now i have to think a lot more before making decisions.

last night Dida called me.. he told me that he tried to kill himself when i was still in Vancouver. i dont know
what happened with him and Mable. but i was a bit shocked. coz he didnt mention that to me last time we
talked. i thought of myself, i didnt tell him i have done something stupid before too. i just told him i understand
how it is like. when there was nothing you could do, basically its like hopeless. and when you're that desperate
you just dont have any control of anything or yourself. all you think about is nothing but wanna end these all.
wishing to end everything and get peace. i didnt really cut myself coz at that moment i thought about my
family and the aftermath if i were dead.

i have seen many ups and downs with the ppl i care about... including myself... what can you expect,
what to do, what is this, why is that, what is right or wrong.... i used to be very stubborn at those. nowadays,
just cant expect so much anymore... cant be so naive or wishing fortune would come along. you never
know what would happen next, or what you can do. i said life should be hopeful. so i guess i can only do
whatever i should do. not to play safe, but... accept what i cant do at the moment and focus on what i should do.

i admit that i m a weak person sometimes, and i accept this is just me. but i also have to tell myself that if i want
to survive, then i have to stay strong. if i cant, at least to act like that. be tough.

i m so lonely. and its been... almost a week since i m back here. this week is like.... sooooo long.
i miss him so much. and its like... every day when i wake up, i think of him.. at night when i go to bed,
i think of him. i wish to feel his warm next to me. then when i wake up i know i dream of him again.

i talked with him yesterday... he seems okay. but i know sometimes he doesnt say coz he doesnt want me
to worry or just coz i cant help much.

i thought of.... we used to go out together on weekends, and on his vacation. i dont know if he enjoyed
being with me, i just know it was always much better to be there with him doing nothing than any other things.
i think of the garden we went together, the restaurants, the pet shops, the supermarket, the hotels, the
stores, the pictures, the water shop, the barber shop. i remember when he was angry, his laugh, his silly
smile, he worries, his silence, his confidence, his humor, when he was hungry, shocked, panic, stressed.
i remember in the yard, kitchen, laundry room, the light tent, in my room.. i remember we were sitting in the
hotel room, looking out the window together. i remember i was in my room, opened the door, saw him in the
washroom. i was looking around, dont wanna let others seeing my school uniform, and he saw me. i remember
he played guitar, it was so funny. i remember eating on the mat, and he caught me almost spilling. i remember
we had some hot argument, and i went upstair. i remember i was almost crying to look for the way out from
landsdowne mall, coz he left me there. he taught me many many things as well... oh well.... he also asked me
why i cut my tomatoes that way. not everything we did together were romantic. but... every single things
was personal enough. and of course... he touches my heart.

i look at myself, what i m doing now... is to read the ad on line... working on the resume...
i had my resume done before, but it was for working in Vancouver, not Hong Kong. it wasnt too difficult to
write for the Van one. but when i m writing for the HK one... i think of the perspective of the HK companies,
then i got headache as in... i know this is not what i would like. i know it. i just know it. but i m still working
hard to get into this company or that company. pretending that i m so passionate about this company i m
applying to. so its all about.... survival.

you know how lonely i feel? no, you dont. i am afraid, but i have to act tough. because i dont want ppl to
worry for me. and i have to survive. and i m waiting.... waiting for the better chances in future..
also waiting for... him. being very patient, just as usual when i was around him. i cant believe that i am
so in love with him and i would want a future with him. Cas... stay strong. you dont know what would happen
next thats very scary for you, i know. so.... do your part first. be good.




>>June 2, 2009 at 9:49:57 AM GMT+8

2009 年 5 月 30 日 星期六 【晴】

Shan asked me out for a drink last night with her friends. i rejected..
but i guess i would see Queenie on Tue night for dessert.. or maybe Shan will join as well.
i missed my friends when i was there. now i m here, so i wanna hang out with them.
i gotta get my resume done again. sigh. then applying for jobs.

i woke up a few times last night.. there are a few hrs everyday are my super sleepy hrs.
humm jet lag... then... just came on line... checking mails and news.. then went out to have lunch with
my family. i appreciate my family time. but i started to wonder what if i didnt come home.
i would still be there, working hard for the new ticket. also... more could happen.

coming home... its great. but... i miss him so much.

how is he lately?
i miss him. even though i left only less than a week, i miss him so much already.

well, life should be hopeful.



I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hopes were high and life worth living,
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving.

Then I was young and unafraid,
When dreams were made and used and wasted.
There was no ransom to be paid,
No song unsung, no wine untasted.

He slept a summer by my side.
He filled my days with endless wonder,
He took my childhood in his stride,
But he was gone when autumn came.

again, life should be hopeful.

>>May 31, 2009 at 10:57:55 AM GMT+8

2009 年 5 月 29 日 星期五 【晴】

hi...

i m very sleepy today... i got up early again... still having jet lag..
then went to the bank with mom.. we bought some grocery as well..
then back home... making lunch. then i was on line..

Carole talked with me about Ken.
Marc is coming back to HK tonight.. then she is going to see Ken as well.. seems like the situation is really bad.
Ken is in very bad conditions now. i feel so sorry for her and her family... and its like there are nothing much
they can do.. then.. i dont know, Ken is basically dying. all of them are still in shock and not accepting yet..
so now its really bad time for them, totally upside down. then Dida told me about Mable and him...
then he said he wanted to die or something, but he refused to tell me more details. so... i m a bit worried for
him. then dad got body check, waiting for the result.. i m worried for him. i m worried for honey as well.
and i m worried for myself. but i guess i m still pretty lucky, coz.. my family is still fine, though daddy is still
waiting for the result, honey and i are apart, i think... compare with many ppl, i m still pretty lucky.

i was on line... i saw honey on line... but guess he wasnt really on line.. then... i was talking with Shan,
then... i took a walk again... i brought something for Shan from Van.. so i met up with her at the office.
i wondered saying hi to Ella and seeing Carole. humm so i just went there... they were having problems
again.. hummm losing money. then i kindda figured out way to track the thief.. then we kindda knew who
did that. humm we left... we tried some bubble tea and snack on the way home.. it was okay. just like old friends
catching up.. it was kindda funny.. coz i find myself different from before. its like... hummm.. i dont work
there anymore. i care about them and the office, i can advise, but i dont wanna get involved. and when
we talk about personal life.. i find myself different from before. anyway, thats normal.

you know... i really miss him lots...
i can easily think of him and the time we were together. i dont wanna worry too much, but i miss him.
guess i worry far less, and i have been much more okay, compared to the last few times...
i miss him and.. i dont know. i m trying to live my life here before seeing him again. i dont know exactly
when i would see him again.. but i just know i have to get moving on, otherwise i m not gonna make it
neither for myself nor him. so i need him so much, but at the same time, i need to be able to function,
and get a job soon. i want him in my future. but i dont want to give him pressure with it. and i dont
want to be like desperate for anything, especially when i cant ensure what he thinks about us.
dont wanna freak him out, and dont want to be so desperate.

sigh. castor, what are you gonna do...

you know... i m gonna be 23 very soon. what can i expect in my life? i m not a kid anymore.
i cant say i m young, so that i can slack around. i m not a teen, i m not that young too.. i want to work
hard and develop for the future, not just preparing but actually do something more in real.
i wanna share these with him, the one i love. and i dont want to be alone.



>>May 30, 2009 at 6:01:08 PM GMT+8

2009 年 5 月 28 日 星期四 【晴】

what could i say?

hummm i got jet lag... i was very sleepy last night... i went to bed...
then i got up ard 7 am this morning.. then.. i made some tea.. sitting in the living room..
my sisters went to school.. i saw them leaving.. then mom was awake..
so she was sitting with me for awhile. we talked for awhile..
she asked me about my trip and how Stephen and i doing.. it concerns her a little bit since i keep going back
there. she wonders if we are serious or if i have any plans for myself.. we talked for a short while..
it was a very peaceful morning.. a bit cloudy and rainy... then mom went back to bed..
i was sitting in the living room, had some cookies and came on line..

i recognized that i have left there for... 2 days already... and i start to miss him more.
life has to go on, coz i m back to HK already. i have to do what i should do... i dont really wanna unpack
my stuffs.. so i do it very slowly.. i just dont wanna... you know... come back to my life here.
i m so happy to see my family again. and i dont know how worse it would get if i was home alone.
and so it makes me think of honey.. coz... i dont know... he must be very busy lately. but... he is by himself.

i started looking up to the internet to see where are hiring now. i have looked into working in a cafe or
maybe even back to McDonald's. i have thought about working in the Gov departments. i dont know..
and i wonder when i would see honey again. how soon it would be. i know it would be soon, but how soon?
i gotta be patient.

i m happy that i have my family here.. coz.. you know how lonely i feel when i have to leave.
i dont want to keep crying everyday again and again. i know i have to grow up, i have to deal with these.
but i cant just shut down my heart. coz its not just black and white. i cant tell myself to ignore my feelings.
i cant tell myself not to miss him, coz i cant lie about what have happened between us. i cant.
i cant tell myself not to miss him coz i really love him so much...

when i wanna cry, i dont want to let ppl know about it. and i keep telling myself to get moving on my life.
i still love him and miss him and want to be with him. i m still waiting, and looking forward to seeing him
again, but at the same time... my life cant stop. i have to live my life here. i have to finish what i have to
do, i have to keep going and moving on. i cant stop. and so... when he will see me again, i would be...
different again.. he wouldnt need to worry for me or... i dont know.

my parents asked me out to have lunch with them... we had dim sum.. also with Miki..
hummmm... its nice that i go out have a walk and... yea... something to distract me i guess.
and... just makes me feeling more comfortable.. going to the restaurant we usually go..
went to the supermarket.. did some shopping for dinner... do something what i used to do with my family.
but then of course.. i think of him a lot. especially when i was in the crowd or wherever, i thought of
what he said to me, what he used to teach me and remind me...

sometimes i wonder...... what i am doing here... what i did there... what he is doing now.
everything seems so real, and i m back to HK now. the environment is completely different now.

maybe its good that i dont have to go back to work right now.. coz... i quit.. and i dont have any stress
from work now.. i can just take time to look for another job which sucks too.. but then yea..
at least i dont have to deal with everything at the same time. i can just cool down a bit while i m still missing
him so much. its kindda like i m worried that i wont miss him while i m still missing him. haha so silly..
its like i m worried i have to let go of him and something very important to me.. like the memories, the feelings,
the fact that happened between us. i know its silly of me to feel in this way. i m a big girl now..
i cant be like that now. but, i guess... i still have a weak side no matter what. i miss him.

you know.. now its a bit weird.. coz.. i cant go back to the life before, coz everything has changed
already. before i went there, things were not clear for me.. and so i can slack time off..
and after these 6 weeks with him, i just... see things very clearly now that... i want to be with him.
i want to be there for him, and i would not want to give up. i would always love him and care about
him so much so much and so much.

if he knows that i miss him so much, he might laugh at me, teasing me... if he has read the small book,
or knows what i m typing here, i could kind of imagine what he would say... BS. haha.. but he knows
what i mean, and he knows me so well that he can tell exactly that i m gonna miss him so much and cry.
he is probably working hard, and moving on life as well. i m sure he is okay. he is a big guy. always.

all i need is a new job, and money, and him in front of me.
so i gotta work hard again.

oh Castor... when will you stop being such a crying baby? no, i didnt really cry much actually..
i just miss him, i need some time to adjust... and i need him.



>>May 29, 2009 at 11:35:29 AM GMT+8

2009 年 5 月 27 日 星期三 【晴】

hey there...

hummm i'm back to HK already... last night..
i am adjusting to use my own computer now.. i was using honey's computer before..
the keyboard was a bit different from mine..

my flight was okay.. it was quite quiet and comfortable coz it was pretty empty.
guess only 1/3 full or maybe less. no one was sitting near to me. and the flight attendants were wearing mask.
the food was better than the last time.. but still, i would choose Air Canada instead next time.

before i left home, the night before, i was at honey's room till... maybe around 2 30..
then i went back to my room packing again till... maybe around 5 am... then i went to bed and got up ard 9 am.
i was sad. and i finished all my tissue in my room.. like half of the whole box. it was okay.. at least Shan
was on line... then... i could chat with her for a bit when i needed someone to talk with me.. humm..
i got up, washed up, kept packing.. i hate packing, i really hate it. if i m doing it for others thats fine..
but if its for myself then i hate it. i cant stand that kind of feelings like have to leave or say bye....
but i guess i m getting better these days, since its getting more often now, and i do see some ppl i know have
lost their life, many many friends breaking up, and... stuffs like that happened more near to me.. so....
guess thats unavoidable. and honey has been telling me about his fav song, and blah blah.. so... yea..

then i... just finished my packing till honey was in a shower. then.... i just continued writing my small book
for him. i started writing the night before.. yea, i didnt buy anything very special for him before i left.
i only have.... maybe around 30 bucks. then... yea.. i bought some chocolates for him.. i saw him eating
brownies, oreo, and some chocolates before... guess he has been craving for chocolate things.
i bought him many tim bits the night before.. ha... i dont usually see him buying doughnuts, but i know he likes
those.. so... whenever i would go to Tim Hortons or near by, then i would get him some. and everytime he
could finish all of them very very quickly at once. especially when he just finished work. i watched him
sometimes, he was very cute. he is not super handsome, but i dont know i just... i m just very attracted to him.

anyway... i made a small paper bag for those chocolates.. and tidy up the room a bit before i left...
then.. we took a pic. i didnt take much pics this time.. i havent taken any with my friends actually.
only Miki, the housemate took 2 with me. then yea.. we took a pic... then he sent me to the airport.
i asked him why he wouldnt stay for awhile. he said coz he knew i would be crying. haha.
i asked him if he has seen my crying. i told him i did cry but i didnt show him coz that would be different.
he said he didnt see me cry but i would cry. well.. he is right. its hard for me not to cry. but this time i did
cry less. i kept telling myself what it has to be done, i have to get it done. what it has to be gone, it has to be
gone. so yea... i told him before i left, i had to thank him for everything he has done for me, and i did appreciate
all the things we have done together, what he has done for me. he said he knew, and asked me not to worry
about it.. hong kong isnt that far away, and he would speak with me soon again. so... when we arrived the
airport.. we hugged and we kissed... he asked me not to worry. i said okay. i knew i would miss him so much.

i stayed at the airport by myself... checked in.. then i just went in, i didnt hang around..
then... i just waited to get on board.. i called Cyn, talked with her for a bit just to say bye...
then i sms Miki. coz... i kindda feel bad... she was so nice wanting to take pics with me, wanted to chat
with me. but i was sad, and trying to avoid deep conversation with her about my leaving or any other things.
so.. before i left, i got her some Hello Kitty candy and.. just wanna say bye and take care.
Ayako too.. i bought her the same candy and those chinese cup cake. she told me before she liked chinese
style buns and sweet food. so yea.. got her that coffee cup cake.

hummm then i sms honey.. coz i found that... eventually we still forgot about the ring. i felt bad actually..
coz.. he just forgot about it, and me too. then.. its not about a ring or anything... its the special ring.
but at the same time i found it kindda funny coz oh well, how could i forget about it? so i just sms him..
and... yea... i also said bye to him before getting on board. i love him.

back to HK... i saw my family... and i found them very noisy. then i m having jet lag...
we had dinner outside.. then went home.. and i was like half dead.. so i just wrote an e-mail to honey
telling him i was fine, home, about the flight... then... yea.. i had a shower too.. and unpacked a little bit
then i went to bed already. i didnt even wanna go on msn or reply e-mails or on facebook.

honestly.. i really miss him lots. i keep thinking of him.. but at least i didnt cry so much..
i guess my issue has been progressing.. i mean... as in.... everytime i have difficulties when i have to
say good bye to him. i love him so much and i miss him really much.. but.. i m home now.
and you know what... if there are any chances for me to stay there, i would. or if he really really wants
me to stay, i would stay. but then if it feels like not the right time yet, then it must not be the right time.

i know he worries for me.. and i dont want him to feel like he has to baby sit me or worry for me a lot.
i dont want him to feel so much pressure with me. you know.. i could solve my problems by myself.
i m going to be 23 within a month.. i m not a kid, not a young school girl anymore.. i have to grow up..
i have to wake up from my bubble world. one day i would be just a well grown woman. one day i would
be someone's wife and a mom. i cant be so weak and naive anymore. i would still do silly things or..
i dont know.. still being dumb sometimes.. but i should grow up, be confident, live my life. though he is
not around, he knows i love him and care about him so much.. i wont stop loving him or showing him
my love.. but i would try to live my life well before i would see him again. and i know he would be always
there for me as well.

anyway... i came on line this morning when i got up.. i did see him on line. we talked for a little while..
then i went to the shop paying my bill... i miss him, and i was happy to see him on line.
i was thinking how his day was, and i told him i left the shorts and t shirt there. haha.. he asked me why,
i told him coz i wont be able to wear those home... and actually.. another reason is that... he can keep
those for me.

my eyes are closing now.. i should go to sleep..

he said he would mail me the ring... i would be looking forward to it.




>>May 28, 2009 at 6:16:00 PM GMT+8

2009 年 5 月 24 日 星期日 【晴】

i misunderstood my flight would be on today. i always thought i would be leaving on Mon.
but then all of the sudden, i have one more day here. thanks God.

i cant imagine how my life would be like when i m back to hk. it seems very crazy.
coz i m here only for 6 weeks, but when i go back, i would face tonz of problems and questions.
and again, honey wont be next to me. before i came, i already realized that ... i dont know since when,
i just dont want to be alone. but then when i go back, i would be alone again. its not that out of prediction,
its just.... sad. you know.. just.. sad. and i have been trying not to let him know my sadness and fears.
well, guess he has enough to worry about, and since he doesnt seem very sad, i just dont want to
give him headache.

on Sat, he woke me up.... i was still sleeping. he doesnt usually wake me up. then i saw him making toast.
we hang out.. we went to different places... did some shopping... everything was fine... i know i am gonna
miss him so much. it so weird coz when i was with him, i wouldnt feel anything especially exciting or what,
but i just want to be with him, just wanna be there with him. you know, when he is not around, i would
do my own things, but i miss him... but then i also know when i'll be home, he would be home soon too.
so i would still see him. and that makes me feel secure and comfortable. coz we spend time together, and
at the same time, we could have our own space.

we spent time in Richmond... i forgot to take something when i left home. i didnt check coz i expected that
everything were in my bag already as a package since i d never touched that since last time..
but then .. something was missing. he was kindda worried or something.. sometimes he feels like babysitting
me. for me, its like.... i dont need ppl to babysit me. how common it is for ppl to forget something once awhile.
i guess he means.. including he thinks i dont know how to cook my food in a pot, or any other things.
i felt very bad actually. but at that moment, i just wanna do what i have to do, and what i should do. so i just
ignored him. i was a bit worried that night, but end up everything went out fine. i mean... i was very careful
and serious about everything i did that night. and its like when i m nervous, i find difficult to concentrate or
function normally. so i have to take control over things, like make sure everything is under my control, so
that i could do multi-tasks at the same time. but you know when you are with someone else, then its hard
to do so, especially that person is him, and he s the same type of ppl. thats why when i m with him i am
so nervous, and when i m nervous then i do stupid things. i doubt that he notices that.

anyway... i was glad that everything went fine that night. and then... yesterday.... we did some cleaning,
and hang out.. then also had Greek food. my first time to have Greek food, though my English name is a
Greek name. i wanted to help him cleaning the kitchen when he was working in the garden. so yea...
clean a bit.. then.... nothing much.. but.. i know i m gonna be very upset.

he asked me yesterday like what i m gonna do when i go back to hk. we had a conversation over that..
school, work, my own future.... i dont know what i m gonna do. in general i know, but i mean... i am worried
for different things now and he wont be next to me anymore.. so... it just makes me extra worried and sad.
seriously. sad and worried.

>>May 25, 2009 at 8:50:41 PM GMT+8

2009 年 5 月 22 日 星期五 【晴】

today... i wanted to get up early but i couldnt.
i was too tired.. i got 2 or 3 calls this morning, from the same person.
he was just wasting my time. i fell asleep again, and he called again. then i just got up.
honey told me to switched off the phone when i sleep. i didnt want to, coz i dont wanna miss any call from
any potential customer. but anyway.. that guy was just... a headache to me. if i told him i was looking for a
boyfriend, i m sure he would call me pretty much a few times everyday.

i was supposed to meet up with auntie Lai... but i knew how possible it was for me to see her today.
i kept changing time coz.. i just cant. i want to be home with him, i m freaking leaving on Mon. i know i am
leaving, i m not gonna wait till tomorrow night to wake up telling myself i have to leave in 2 days. i would
break down. i do need a long time to prepare myself... let myself being sad and crying while no one is watching.
i need some time to calm down and settle down my emotion.

i called Joy... but i knew we are not gonna meet up anyway. i called Cyn.. i still went downtown to say
bye to her. its kindda sad.. coz... she is my close friend. i miss her so much, she is just my close friend.
i havent really met her this time. this is just the second time i saw her. but last time i was just saying hi.
then this time i m saying bye. but i did bring her some goodies from hong kong to make her smile. haha.
i miss her, and i would always miss her. i didnt see Lisa in the end.. guess she and Denis would need more
time on their own anyway. then yea.. didnt meet up with Louisa or Kiana as well. hummm its okay..
most importantly, stephen is my first priority. i hate to say that coz its so unfair to my friends and myself..
but think about the reasons i am here again is coz of him. and think about what i have been doing here
everyday, one day i just woke up all of the sudden, found that actually i love him so much... its like..
i have made os much changes while i didnt realize.

i dont regret i have came over here.. i was a bit worried if i would regret before i was here. but.. guess
i wont regret at all. in fact, i would regret if i didnt come. just like what i have told myself. i m doing what
i should do for him and myself. here i am... and we spent time together, and we did crazy things together..
we tried to make business work.. and today i have cooked.. and that day i have clean. its weird that
i would say i have cooked and clean. its so normal for ppl to do these, but not for me i guess, especially
in his house. anyway...... i have seen so much i havent seen before... knowing lots of plants and vegie,
haha.. and also lots of tv stuffs, music, history, and his habbits. one thing very important, which is...
the trust i have in him was never so strong before, and i m so comfortable and glad to see his real side,
his life, everything about him. its just... real. and i m sad when i have realized how big chances i m leaving.
and i am worried about him and the situation.

and now i gotta get myself ready to go home.. which means... so big changes for me again.
leaving him does hurt me so much.. then i dont have a job now... so... i need to find a job... i need to
think about my future.. plan again... and... think about our future.. i love him, and so i take it seriously.

i went to the bakery to buy cookies, then went downtown to see Cyn... i miss her..
then i shopped at the IAG Market Place on Burrad street. then... carrying all the stuffs back home..
on the way home, rushing to run to Safeway as well to get spice and red onions. i made pasta..
this is the first time i make pasta not at my home, and also not following my usual recipe. i dont really
have a recipe actually. its all made up by myself. i dont create such dish but i mean.. i add and cross
out things i like. i dont even measure ingredients. honey and i had a conversation this morning about
not cooking meat. hummmmmmmmmmmmm...... thats why i had to change the way i usually do.
no meat, only vegie.. and then not the kitchen i m used to... not the brand of ingredients i usually use.
not the way i cooked before.. i was a bit nervous actually. then when i was preparing the food,
i hurt my both thumbs. one was bleeding nail, and i cut my another thumb. then... yea... i was
trying to stir fried the mushroom, onions, garlic.. coz i love to burn them a bit to increase the fav.
but it didnt work. so.. hummm.. anyway.. i put tobaco in, but i didnt know honey was allergic to
spicy food. coz i saw him eating curry.. i thought he was ok. and Ayako likes spicy food too, so..
i added quite a lot.. anyway.. i feel bad... coz... this is my first time trying to cook for him.. and this
morning, he mentioned 2 times that.. he would take this chance to try my food. so... sigh.
i was already thinking like i should at least use some ham or bacon to increase the taste. coz i like
strong fav in my pasta dish. so i chose the instant bacon strips.. just added on top. hummm =(

this morning, i followed him to the Barbara shop.. then we had Subway sandwiches..
then he was leaving to work. i heard him saying to the hair stylist about me. i guess he expects me
leaving too. hummm there are only three possible reasons why he not to show ppl our relationship...
1st one, he is just silly not to show ppl that i m someone special to him. 2nd, he isnt ready to change
his status which i wont understand why. 3rd, he is afraid. the 3rd one sounds real.

we had a conversation today about... me leaving or not.. he said he doesnt mind me staying..
but since the business doesnt start well, doesnt go well.. we both know how much potential it has
for helping us. i tried not to show him i m sad or anything. i m still trying to control myself on this.
coz when i cry, i cry. i dont want him to see how weak i am. well i wish he knows but.. showing
is a different thing. anyway.. he said he didnt mind me staying... but he didnt say he would want
me to stay. i guess its based on our situation now.. i wonder to ask him... if he would want me to
stay if the situation isnt that bad at all, how much he would like me to stay. and another question
has been always popping up since a week ago... like... what if i m gone... what he would be like,
how he would feel.. coz i exactly know what its gonna happen when i will be back to hk. i would
be REALLY UPSET and i would miss him SO MUCH. i m probably crying everyday, depressed.
i talked with Shan last night.. she was like... she already knew i was gonna cry and i would cry.
she knows me too well. but i didnt cry much today.. maybe coz i was very busy today..
and i had been thinking a lot about cooking tonight.. so... i dont know.. but when i was massaging
him just now.. i did feel sad.. then i got tears again.. then i just stop thinking.. and telling myself
that just focus and give him a good massage.. make him sleep well and sweet tonight, at least
while i am still around. just make him feel better, sleep better.

anyway,.... i should go back to sleep..
its just sad..

>>May 23, 2009 at 11:16:04 AM GMT+8

2009 年 5 月 20 日 星期三 【晴】

Happy Birthday to daddy.

today isnt the first day i have been crying so hard.

i went downtown to buy sun glasses for Leggy and Miki.
then came home, the grocery store to buy food for making curry.
i think... i m kindda used to going there already.

this morning... 3 stupid calls woke me up. so i got like 4 hrs sleep only..
i couldnt sleep, i just couldnt sleep. i kept thinking, then i cried. then... i ran to McDonald's to get my
breakfast.. my BLT. well its my fav.. so i was glad that i could still have it before leaving.
i took a walk, short one.. then came home. honey was... a bit.... furious. then i stayed upstair.
i was kindda avoiding him. coz i was super upset too. i was crying. then came on line chatting with
Alessja with webcam. she saw me crying. then.. i wondered why honey was so early getting ready
today.. so i went to the kitchen... then saw him digging the vegetables at the patio. wow i was so
happy to see those radish!! i saw him planting them by seeds. like he put so much time and efforts
to choose seeds, tools, made his own fertilizer with soil, blah blah... it was like 6 weeks ago when
i first arrived here. so i was so happy to see those. and they tasted so crispy and fresh. omg. love it.
then... we went to the water shop... chatted with the owner for awhile... then went to Subway.
back home... having lunch... watched tv... then he was leaving to work.

sometimes i find myself so unlucky loving a man who is so far away from myself.. but sometimes i
wonder how lucky i am to have fallen in love with him, and in fact i m not so perfect at all, him neither.
in fact, why me? why not giving me up? and i ask myself the same question, why not giving him up...
but there are always something pulling us back to the relationship. 6 times of break up, we still
survived, i wonder what it is between us. but seriously, i dont want to break up with him.
although sometimes he is such a jerk, but... deep down i know who he is, and i wont call him jerk.
consider what he has done for me and us... sometimes i really wanna smack him in his head, but
he knows i wont do that. and in the end, i would still figure out why he does things the ways he does,
and i would be like.... urhhhh okay, whatever. i hope i m not spoiling him although i know i probably
do spoil him so much. and he would call me dummy and bitch. then i would smack him in his bum.

i like massaging him in bed, put him to sleep... i like kissing him before i go to bed as well. i like hugging
him when he sleeps. he would fall asleep faster. but everytime i would sneak out coz my arms or legs
would go numb, or.. very simple, coz i want him to have better sleep.

sometimes i would be a bit angry at him, as in... why not when he makes dinner just makes me some.
even though he doesnt have to make me some, at least ask me. i m not gonna eat his food everytime.
but i do feel bad sometimes. well... whatever.
i love him. and i hate him... i wonder why not he just marry me, then things would be so much more
easier. but then i wonder,... if he s not ready, i wont be ready too. and then i wonder why he isnt
ready yet... is it my problem? i guess maybe... or maybe not.. although we are living in the same house,
sometimes he is doing things as if he is a husband, i know we are not married couple. but i would
wonder when would he be ready... would i need to wait till i m 30. and i wonder... if he would still
want me. its not about being a canadian citizen, its all about being with him and living with him.

i was very upset tonight.. but i know i dont wanna blame him... he has been trying to find different
options for us... and he helped me to ask his friend, and checking ticket for me... he has done alot..
but... he still didnt say it that he doesnt want me to leave. if he says so, i probably would stay here
risking to get my new ticket. he didnt say so.. so i guess well, he doesnt mind me leaving then.

sigh... before i came.. i wasnt very ready... and thinking if i would be ok, blah blah..
now i m about to leave, and i am crying every day and night...
he said we would wait till Sat or Sun to see if i should stay or go back to HK.. for me... i m not
very hopeful about the miracle. its kindda predictable like... last week.. so... i dont know..
but our birthdays are in June, next month... i would love to stay although he doesnt celebrate.
i would only have 1 birthday of my 23th year in my life. i wanna spend this day with the ppl i love,
especially him, my honey. i m not a kid or with a bunch of friends having a big party. all i want is him.

tell me why wont i cry.

tomorrow... i would love to make pasta for him. my best dish..
but then i would be very busy tomorrow as well..
i wanna spend the morning time with him, which means i might not be able to meet up with auntie.
i need to go get cookies for mom, then buy earrings for mom.. then... go downtown seeing Cyn before
i m leaving.. then hopefully drop by saying bye to Joy and maybe Lisa.. then i need to go to Save on Food
to buy food for making pasta. but then i need to see auntie, coz she said she has something for me to
bring back to hk. so... i dont know.. i would rather spending more time with honey than seeing my aunt..
but... well.. i will see..

i m sad.. coz... he wont be next to be again... =;(
5 16am

>>May 22, 2009 at 12:17:04 PM GMT+8