i have seen many many things, and.... i guess i m taking time off to think.
while i couldnt log in to this website or just my account not working, i have updated my diary on my own..
hummm.... i dont know if i should post them here, or i would just keep them in private. that might be better.
anyway... its hard for me to... stay or to leave. and there are so much to considerate as well.
>>April 27, 2009 at 6:42:02 PM GMT+8
2009 年 4 月 5 日 星期日 【晴】
hey..
today... i got up... then... got ready to go to school.. i picked up my certificate and transcript =)
and also... met up with Dr. Eicher. we had dim sum today. his treat.. he's so nice.. he said at his generation,
men are supposed to open door for women, pay for their meals when they take the women out...
so if he invited me for lunch, then i am not supposed to pay. he's very nice. i told him nowadays things
changed. guys dont usually pay anymore. he said he grew up in that culture, so unless i feel very uncomfortable,
otherwise he wants to pay for me. =) he is just very nice. then we walked back to school.. we chatted for
awhile at his office. it was great. i got to see the new student center as well. great. and then he told me the
news about the school and blah blah.. we talked on my reference letter as well. i'm really glad that he would
be my reference. he even wanna recommend me to his friend, who has huge network in health care industry
in US, and Canada. so. yea... he also asked me if i would be offered a job in New York if i would be interested.
i said i would consider about that. haha.. i dont know for sure actually.
and i'm so glad i have got the reply from Proff Casey. yay.. i read the letter this morning.. i was so happy..
coz he wrote excellent letter for me. omg. i'm touched. i'm so glad.. and i talked with Dr. Eicher today that i worry
if my credits would be recognized by some uni in Canada.. then he said we should be okay. coz we are just
recognized as same as the other famous colleges in US.. there were never happened our students got rejected
from the grad school coz our school wasnt recognized. i told him i am gonna try anyway. even if that's the case,
there could be exceptions right? then he laughed. he said but dont worry, that's not the case. then i laughed.
yea.. we had a good time, catching up. he has given me lots of support and help since i have met him, which is
very rare and helpful.. so.. i'm really glad.. he is even writing me more than one letters just in case i would need
more than one for different company. how nice he is!!!!
then i went to TST.. to check out a store called Bling Bling. i have been looking for new summer clothes.. but not
like from my fav brands these days. i'm looking for some of the cheaper price but fashionable, sexy, and good
looking ones. it doesnt have to be really really cheap, but i do look for something cheaper and not as same as
the style i used to wear. i dont wanna change my whole image, so just add something new, and keep my own
personality shown with my clothes choices. but i didnt see anything particularly attractive from Bling Bling, which
was recommended by my cousin. then.. i went back to Mong Kok to change my t-shirt.. i wanted to have another
shorts but i didnt find one i like.. then i exchanged for another t-shirt... and i bought another tank top for $49.
it's just very cheap but that's enough. i dont think i should have much more from Mong Kok, coz the quality is really
bad... like... not comfortable to wear.. humm then i bought 1 more pair of fake lashes.. hummm bad quality one.
but it's okay, i have 2 pairs of good one.. so that's okay.
then i came home resting.. i'm really tired..
humm i talked with honey this morning for a bit... i really hope that he would have nice rest at night..
last night we talked about my living.. i have my concerns on that.. coz.. i dont want things happen like last year
again. i found it actually insulting but i didnt tell him last year.. i was trying to be understanding and just wanna
fix the problem. i thought we had problems, like he didnt like me at his place so i gotta move out.. but end up i
knew the reasons and so i could understand.. but it doesnt mean i could let it happen again. especially this time,
i'm looking for a job and planing to stay longer than 6 weeks. i have quitted my job in HK, i dont have much
money, everything is very unstable for me.. i'm concerned about my safety and security if i would be totally
all by myself.. and i dont wanna let the others to worry for me. we talked about jobs and other things too..
i'm excited to see him again. i know how stressful things could be.. but i gotta have faith in myself and him
that we are doing the right thing. no quitting, no regret, just try all we can do.
i am reading my book..
there was a few chapters about love...
Corey, Gerald, and Marianne Schneider Corey. I never knew I had a choice.
United States: Thomson Brooks/ Cole, a part of The Thomson Corporation, 2006.
"Love Makes a Difference"
Love is expressed in many different ways. Consider the following statements:
- I need to have someone in my life i can actively care for. I need to let that person know he/she makes a
difference in my life, and i need to know i make a different in his/ her life.
- i want to feel loved and accepted as who i am now, not for living up to others' expectations of me.
- although i have a need for connection with ppl, i also enjoy my time alone.
- i'm finding out that i have more of a capacity to give sth to others than i had thought.
- i'm beginning to realize that i need to love and appreciate myself more fully, in spite of my imperfections.
if i can accept myself for who i am, then maybe i can accept love from others.
- there are special times when i want to share my joys, my dreams, my anxieties, and my uncertainties with
another person. when i'm listened to, i feel loved.
"Authentic and Inauthentic Love"
Authentic love enchances us and those we love. In this section we share some of the positive meanings
love has for us.
Love means that i'm coming to know the person i love. i am aware of the many facets of the other person--
not just the beautiful side but also the limitations, inconsistencies, and flaws. i have an awareness of the
others' feelings and thoughts, and i experience sth of the depth of that person. i can penetrate masks and
roles and see the other person on a deeper level. love also entails making myself known to the other person.
meaningful self-disclosure is essential to establish loving relationships, especially revealing the deeper facets
of ourselves.
Lover means that i care about the welfare of the person i love and i actively demonstrate concern for the
others. if my live is genuine, my caring is not a smoothering of the person or a possessive clinging. On the
contrary, my caring enhances both of us. if i care about you, i am concerned about your growth and i hope
you will become all that you can be. we do more thna just talk about how much we value each other.
our actions show our care and concern more eloquently than any words. each of us has a desire to give
to the other. we have an interest in each other's welfare and a desire to see that the other person is fulfilled.
Love means having respect for the dignity of the person i love. if i love you, i can see you as a separate
person, with your own values and thoughts and feelings, and i do not insist that you surrender your identity
and conform to an image of what i expect you to be for me. i am not threatened by your ability to stand alone
and to be who you are. i avoid treating you as an object or using you primarily to gratify my needs.
Love means having a responsibility toward the person i love. if i love you, i am responsive to what you need.
this responsibility does not entail my doing for you in a way that communicates that you are incapable of
doing it yourself. it does mean acknowledging that what i am and what i do affects you; iam concerned
about your happiness and your sadness, i have the realization that i have the capacity to hurt or neglect you.
Nhat Hanh(1992) states: "True love includes a sense of responsiblity and accepting the other person as he
or she is, with all strengths and weakness. if you like only the best things in a person, that is not love." (p.85).
he adds that authentic love implies accepting another person's weakness and bringing patience and
understanding to help the person transform.
Love can lead to growth for both the person i love and me. if i love you, i am growing as a result of my love
for you. you're a stimulant for me to become more fully what i might be, and my loving enhances your being
as well. we each grow as a result of caring and being cared for; we each share in an enriching experience
that does not detract from our being.
Love means making a commitment to the person i love. commitment to another person involved risks, but
commitment is the essential context of an intimate relationship. this means that the ppl involved have invested
in their future together and that they are willing to stay with each other in times of crisis and conflict.
commitment entails a willingness to stay with each other in times of pain, uncertainty, struggle, and despair,
as well as in times of calm and enjoyment. Although some ppl have difficulties with long term commitments
in a relationship, to what degree will they allow themeselves to be loved or make themselves vulnerable if
they believe the relationship is temporary? Perhaps, for some, a fear of intimacy gets in the way of developing
a sense of commitment. Loving and being loved is both exciting and frightening, and we may have to struggle
with the issue of how much anxiety we can tolerate.
to-be-continue..
>>April 6, 2009 at 5:45:09 PM GMT+8
2009 年 4 月 4 日 星期六 【晴】
hi...
i got up around noon.. then... got ready... stayed on line for awhile, then i just went out with my parents..
we took a long walk to Tai Po old market.. we had noodle soup. yummy. then we bought pudding, snack,
cake, cookies, and food for dinner tonight. we walked home. i like my family day actually. i dont really want
to lose my family time and family day. maybe coz i'm already so used to be around my family.. so.. i love
my family time, and i do value my family time. i try not to go out on Sunday with friends or by myself,
if i could arrange them on weekdays after work or just Mon or Tue when i'm off.. then i would just keep
my Sunday for my family. and then i would like to keep Mon for honey as well. coz my Mon is his Sun..
then on Tue i would do what i need to do outside.. but then the thing is of course i prefer Tue staying home
but Mon going out.. coz after Mon outing i still have a Tue off resting at home. anyway.. it doesnt matter.
i know i'm gonna miss my family and friends in HK anyway. i'm so used to my comfort zone already..
i'm not a queen or princess at home.. i'm not the spoiled kid with the silver spoon.. but still in HK... i wont
die or i wont be too bad.. but on my own in another country, which means i have no one like a real family,
or sources and rights that i could ever have in HK. so... it's such a huge thing but i am not backing off.
i talked with honey for awhile today.. last night too.. i hope everything would be fine.
it might take some time... but if i didnt have faith in this person, it would have ended long time ago.
but only faith is not enough... i wanna be there for him, with him... i wanna take care of him when he
needs me, i wanna give him my support, my encouragement.. i accept him as who he is, although i see
so much more inside him that he could be... i kindda find it scary to love someone so in depth.. but.. it's
only him that able to make me... giving my love so much.. and at the same time growing up on my own,
to become someone more completed and with more faith in myself..
honestly, i dont know for sure about the future, no one does... so... it's rather i take it as...
enjoying my each day as possible, love myself and the others.. or just complaining what i cant have, or
what i dont like.
i m going to meet up with Dr. Eicher tomorrow.. and also pick up my certificate and transcript. hee.
then i would go back to Mong Kok to change my t-shirt. i cant wear that.. i would rather have something else.
anyway.. i am reading my book.. i should share more... but it's getting late.. i dont wanna type all these
here.. but maybe tomorrow.. after reading this, i just ensure myself that i know i should go to Canada..
coz otherwise i would really regret.
>>April 5, 2009 at 6:16:05 PM GMT+8
2009 年 4 月 3 日 星期五 【晴】
i got up ard noon... then got ready...
i tried my fake lashes today.. it was okay.
then i wore my new skirt too. i met up with Shan... then we went to Mong Kok..
i bought another bracelet for Miki. then.. walked around.. back i bought a t-shirt, a really short shorts,
and... a nude bra... and... a pair of flats. they are bad quality but REALLY CHEAP. i just wanna try
these style for fun.. i'm not gonna be young forever... so.. i wanna try something different since i'm
still young. i spent around $300 today on all the items.. but that day.. i bought only a dress which is
not expensive at all from H&M.. it was $250.. but today i spent like $300 but i got so many pieces.. so..
it's really good price though they were bad quality. but yea.. trying for fun.
"it felt so wrong, it felt so right, dont mean i'm in love tonight." hahaha... when i tried those t-shirt and
shorts on, i felt wrong to wear these, but i also felt okay. so.. yea..
hummm...
hum... btw... i miss Stephen.. and i'm worried that... he would be still angry at me.. or...
i dont know... is he gonna hate me forever? i know i shouldnt have kept that from him but...
i dont know what i can do.. and i'm going over within 10 days.......
i dont wanna... like.. feeling weird of sad when i will see him on my arrival day..
i want him to be happy.. i want to see him happy.. that's why i'm going over.. but i kindda feel like i am
riuning it by a stupid thought. i know i was wrong. i think i need to do something.. i love him.
>>April 4, 2009 at 4:56:29 PM GMT+8
2009 年 4 月 2 日 星期四 【晴】
tired..
i got up.. packed my stuffs then i went to work.
i took my laptop with me.. i was using my own computer till afternoon.
back to work after my lonely lunch time. i'm so lonely...
well.. this afternoon i just decided to sit at Starbucks and chatting on phone with Karen.. having my mocha..
then.. yea.. walked around.. i bought a lovely bracelet for Miki's bday... i love it. it's cute and trendy and beautiful.
anyway... work... talking with the parents.. they were so nice and funny... and i was on line chatting with honey.
i dont know.. i kindda felt that he's still angry at me.. but.... i dont know... hummmm.. i'm really keen about our
relationship.. i read two articles on line.. talking about what kind of secrets should be kept, which shouldnt be.
i read lots of comments there... humm i think ppl just shouldnt keep secret. it could be like... needing awhile to
tell or talk with your partner... but never keep it for too long.. speak before too late..
i dont like to lie and hate to be lied.. but i would understand sometimes it takes some time for ppl to .... talk about
their feelings and... about themselves.
after work.. Ella and i went to Body Shop.. i got my stuff.. and bought a lip stick for mom's birthday.
back home resting and having dinner.. then hummm watching tv... and looking up the internet for make up
guide, and see some make up tech.. hummm i am not very good at it i think. but i wanna look pretty.
and i miss my honey.. but if he needs some time to... forgive me or i dont know... i'm not gonna force him to like
me. i know what i've done.. it was bad but not that bad. anyway.... i'm just gonna be myself. i have said i wanna
make it up for him, i do.. but i dont wanna make it sounds like a deal.. if i do certain things, then blah blah. no. it
must not be like that. i'm doing what i think i should do is not for proving anything. it's just simply coz i love him.
i want him to see it, feel it, hear it, touch it, i wanna share him with everything of mine.
so... if he likes it, he likes it. if he doesnt, then that's it. i would do so much for him... and i have been improving
myself in many ways.. hummm not like i'm looking for his approval.. but of course coz he likes me doing these.
if he doesnt like me or stuffs what i'm trying to do.. then i would rather stop doing these. i know i'm a loving person,
and i know i'm easily hurt.. so.. i cant keep giving and giving without reciprocation. that way would only kill me.
i dont know if i'm over sensitive.. but i just know i'm just gonna be myself. i still love him so much, i'm so in love..
i still wanna be the better girlfriend for him... but i'm gonna be myself too. i'm gonna show him what he got...
but if he doesnt appreciate, i would leave.
anyway.. i should go to bed..
dont get tensed, Cas... you're seeing him in 10 days... stay calm.
>>April 3, 2009 at 6:35:39 PM GMT+8
2009 年 4 月 1 日 星期三 【晴】
i couldnt sleep last night..
i went to bed... tossing and turning.. i couldnt sleep.. i was crying...
i got up late with my puffy eyes..
i thought about leaving very soon. leaving home... going over Van to do something i have never done before..
i dont know what would happen.. i dont know if i would ever success.. and i just know i'm doing that for
Stephen, and i'm doing that for myself. but i really dont know what would happen. and i'm out of my comfort
zone.. out of my family and my home town.. i feel so complicated. i'm sure i understand my parents are worried
for me. and i'm sure i understand i must be strong enough, brave enough, and got the ability to strive for that.
i dont mean my parents worry, i mean my future.
i've been writing my resume.. and i know i only got a few years part time work exp.. my schools arent any
famous good schools.. i got some famous awards and scholarships in HK before.. but it's long time ago.
and i have been thinking i should write down what i have done for Ella in this 2 years and half. and then...
i thought about the business growth. i am quite proud of it. although it's not my one person job.. still i am
involved, and half of the new students were not referrals. it's really my job to gain their trust, let their children
learning english with us. we might not be a very outstanding school... but i'm employed to do my job... and to be
honest... i am quite proud of myself.. coz in these 2.5 years, i have been trying my best to protect this company,
improving myself, helping this company growing, saving Ella's ass.
i'm glad that Stephen finally talked to me again... and we talked about work today.. i understand what he means
when i try to see things from his sight. and so i hope he could... just try to see me as an employee working
there only coz i'm employed and wanna do my best for God sake.. i dont know... he seems not understand me
in that way.. and when i mentioned about the business growth.. he said something really hurt me alot actually.
okay.. i was in a team opening the courses and hiring teachers. i was in a team to attract new students.
it is a job to me, and... i think i have been doing a good job, as in... you never know... i have seen children
improvement and they were happy to be part of us. there must be some reasons about our growth, and this is
the fact. it could be someone else doing my job. it might have a different story if this is not Castor Lau working
in Elchards Education. it might be better or worse. so.. in his eyes, was i good or bad? i hope it was not
personal of what he said.
today is really busy... actually these two days are very busy..
a few kids were being very rude today... and i had not much patient with them... but yea.. kids.. i dont know.
maybe coz i'm not a teacher, so... they were not very polite to me.
maybe i'm just having a bad day.
anyway.. i saw Hong's note on Facebook.. and before i saw Kim's note... so i wrote one on my own..
>>April 2, 2009 at 5:04:30 PM GMT+8
2009 年 3 月 31 日 星期二 【晴】
hello....
i'm very tired...
i had breakfast with Shan this morning.. it was good... coffee and food... nice..
then back to work.. started having meeting from 11am till 2pm.. hummmm it was okay... not too bad..
more and more work to do... then Shan and i had lunch together.. we had Taiwanese..
back to work.. then i worked on some doc, then the meeting report.. then Ella asked me to help her on other
doc.. and helping her to tidy up the files and doc.. then.. working on my report.. and searching for info..
very tired....
i got the reply from proff Casey. yay =) he will be my reference. so now, at least i have three.
the parent didnt show up tonight... strange.. humm it's okay.
i did alot of work today, and i am really really tired. Shan an i were chatting.. and talking about everything.
it's always good to be around her. Stephen... i dont know... he thinks i damaged the trust we built up together.
i really didnt mean to keep it away from him actually. i know it's really bad actually.. i just didnt have much
choices.. i know it's my bed, but why cant he try to understand. i dont feel good about it, and no one would
be benefited from it anyway.. i was just trying to minus the harm. it cant be perfect anyway.
stupid Cas.. next time dont care if he would be hurt or not, just tell him everything. guys are pigs.
i really wanna make it up for him, and i do apologize... but so? he doesnt seem to understand what i have
been trying to do. guys are pigs. pigs pigs pigs. on one hand, i'm guilty about keeping it from him for awhile,
and on the other hand, i'm a bit unhappy about that too. it's like there werent much choices for me actually.
i'm the one dealing with James and the work, and i didnt cheat on him or anything. i didnt tell him coz i knew
he would doubt on me again and again. why should i put myself in that kind of situation? someone liked me
wasnt my fault at all. yea... i didnt handle that well enough.. and so i was facing its outcome and cleaning
the mess. and he's blaming me to keep it away from him. i just wanna make it up. but if he wont understand
then why should i make it up for him =( pig. next time i am not gonna care if he would be angry or upset,
whatever, i would just tell him everything everything and everything.
after work.. i called that parent.. she didnt answer my call.. it was okay... i walked around the mall.. still trying
to find a gift for Miki.. and i saw a t-shirt.. i'm thinking if Stephen might like it... hummm i dont know.
then i'm also looking for a gift for mom too.. dad is sick.. i hope he would get well soon..
i'm a bit worried for him.
I'm trying to find this song's lyrics.. they even have Jap version? that's really new.
＜稻香＞ 词：周杰伦 曲：周杰伦
对这个世界如果你有太多的抱怨 跌倒了就不敢继续往前走
if you have too much complains to this world, when you fall, you wont wanna get up and move on.
为什么人要这么的脆弱堕落
why we have to be falling so fragile?
请你打开电视看看 多少人为生命在努力勇敢的走下去
please turn on your tv, and see how many ppl are trying so hard to live and survive
我们是不是该知足 珍惜一切 就算没有拥有
should we know how to cherish everything, even if we cant have what we want?
还记得你说家是唯一的城堡 随着稻香河流继续奔跑
remember? you have said home is your only palace, and follow the rice and run along the river
微微笑 小时候的梦我知道
little smile, i know what dream was like when i was small.
不要哭 让萤火虫带着你逃跑 乡间的歌谣永远的依靠
dont cry. let the firefly guide you run, old folk song would be your company
回家吧 回到最初的美好
go home, go back to the wonderful time from the beginning =)
不要这么容易就想放弃 就像我说的 追不到的梦想 换个梦不就得了
dont give up so easily, like what i said... if your dreams cant be achieved,
change your dream then it would be fine.
为自己的人生鲜艳上色 先把爱涂上喜欢的颜色
put some color on your life, put your fav colour on love
笑一个吧 功成名就不是目的
give a smile, your goal aint for reputation or accomplishment
让自己快乐快乐这才叫做意义 童年的纸飞机现在终于飞回我手里
make yourself happy that's the real meaning, my paper plane fly back to my hand finally =)
所谓的那快乐 赤脚在田里追蜻蜓追到累了 偷摘水果被蜜蜂给叮到怕了 谁在偷笑呢
the so call happiness, bare feet in the mud were running after the dragon fly,bees stint me when i pick the
fruits. who was laughing at me? =)
我靠着稻草人吹着风唱着歌睡着了 哦哦午后吉它在虫鸣中更清脆 哦哦阳光洒在路上就不怕心碎
i was leaning on the grass man, listening to the songs and fall asleep...
ohoh.. sounds from the guiltier, wombs are singing, i'm sleeping... with the sunshine on my way,
ohoh.. i dont worry for heart broken.
珍惜一切就算没有拥有
i treasure everything, though i might not have them =)
i really like this song...
it reminds me lots of my childhood memories.. although lots of them were sad.. but when i thought about the
good time i had with my parents, it always makes me wanna cry. i remember when i was 4 or 5... mom would
take me to downstair from our apartment to cycling.. and she would prepare some oranges with the skin peeled.
then when i come and go, she would give me one slice of it.. then.. i remember i used to have my fav doll..
she was my friend at home when i was still 4... dad would play with me and the doll.. and dad would take
tonz of pics of me when i was small. i had lots of pose.. haha.. it was fun.. i wasnt very naughty but i was a
funny kid. i talked alot, probably coz no one talks to me when i was at aunt's place... i like to talk randomly..
and i like to laugh really loud.. then i would also argue with ppl for nothing.. and i would place my hands on my
waist, stand straight on my both feet.. then talked to ppl like i was giving them a lecture or something.. some
adults found me very funny.. they knew i was just kidding. i remembered them all. and i especially liked me
red skirt with my white shirt.. or shorts also.. then i like my over size sun glasses. i has short hair.. i was like
a boy sometimes.. i had a small and very flat nose, one eye was smaller than another.. my hair wasnt dark
enough.. and i like to laugh alot and loudly.. i was a kid like that. but... not everyone liked me.. i was staying
with a couple of different families. hummmm home was the best.. but i dont know why now when i grow
up, i would wanna leave home and go find what i think i would like to do.. to find my dream.. but deep down
i know i'm gonna miss home and miss everything i could ever easily have in Hong Kong.
i got up very late.. ard noon time.. then i ate some cake.. then got ready to leave..
i planed to go to Mong Kok today but i didnt go.. i changed plan.. i went to school to pick up my certificate..
it's a bit weird today. i wore shorts and a long sleeves t-shirt with sandals.. but i dont get why the men
stared at me.. i think i was okay. so.. i dont know.. and at the bus stop.. i guess i saw Terry Wong.
the guy was also from LSC.. he added me on Facebook before.. got a little chat before.. but well he wanted
to meet up but i rejected him. then i've lost contact with him already. he looked at me, he was next to me..
i looked at him and looked away.. coz i found strange someone staring at me.. then.. i thought for awhile
he just looked very familiar. but i didnt say hi. whatever, he didnt say hi. maybe just wrong person.
i went to school... wanted to pick up my stuffs.. but then found mistake on the certificate.. i should be
with the second honor.. but.. it was the third honor.. humm they said it was a mistake from the US..
then i left, i wasnt feeling well.. coz i was so happy i could get my paper so fast but then it wasnt true..
then i went to Central.. to H&M to find Jackie that necklace.. not it's a headband.. but then school called
again.. they said it wasnt wrong. coz i only took 54 credits at UIU. i transfered 66 credits from other
institutions so i could only have my third honor.. omg.. i didnt know about that at all. like why the hell
the other schools i were in HAVE NEVER told me such things??? i had no ideas why the program was
the joint school program. it was like a scam. i hate it.. but i dont wanna retake another 6 credits. that's
insane. anyway.. i would go back next week to pick up my paper. and probably meet up with Dr.Eicher.
he said he would be my reference. thank him so much.. then also.. Dr. Chan has replied me already
with his recommendation letter. thank him so much.. but i still need one or two.
i went to H&M.. then... i couldnt find what JAckie wants.. hummmm.. but i found a beautiful dress..
it's lovely and not expensive.. i have thought about not to buy it.. but the cutting just fit me so well...
i cant let it go. it's like yea.. i bought a very cheap dress in Mong Kok before. and the thing is i have to
spend time to sew the dress a bit to make it fits it more but still doesnt fit me very much.. hummm
this one is not expensive and it fits me so well. so........... i just bought it. hee.. and you know.. i'm in a
bad mood today.. actually since Sunday. since i have told Stephen about something i should have told
him much much earlier on... hummm after that.. i went to Esprit.. i saw a beautiful and good quality
dress, but i didnt buy it. i find it sooooooo lovely.. but... i shouldnt waste this money.. coz.. i still need
to buy Miki a bday gift.. it's her 18 y.o. Birthday. it's a really big day for her. she turns adult now. but
i would never find her like an adult. then also before i go, mom's Birthday would be right before i leave.
and then also.. i would like to get honey Stephen a little gift from Hong Kong. hummm so.... i cant spend
lots money on myself i guess. the thing is.. i dont have much money left. i still need to exchange some
currency. so yea... poor Cas... but i dont know.. i feel so happy when i can get ppl some little gifts..
coz they would be happy, and look at their smile would make me happy too.. so i guess... it worths it.
i watched a movie tonight called "Good Luck Chuck" it's a hilarious movie.. it was sooo funny...
Jessica Alba is really hot and cute too. and that guy was just funny. no actually both of them were
really funny.
talking about Stephen.. hummm i came home right after leaving Central.. it was 5 sth already... i was
very tired and didnt wanna go to Mong Kok.. back to Tai Po.. mom was ard.. then met up with her.. did
some shopping for dinner, then we came home.. i came on line immediately... i saw Stephen on... well..
i tried to talk with him... and asked him if he's angry at me. he said yes. i do feel very bad. it's like..
i wouldnt wanna lie to him or keep any secrets from him. there's nothing i would wanna hide about from
him. the only reason was... i was too afraid if i have told him, he would have been thinking i just lied
about James quitting. i was such a coward. but i regret i didnt tell him... i guess i just needed some time
to realize that i should have told him.. it wasnt easy or happy for me to keep it from him actually... i was
facing him at work... it was just work.. but then the students would laugh.. ppl would ask.. i'm so used
to tell Stephen about every big and small things except this. i dont mean to do that but i did that.. not coz
i wanna hide something from him.. it's just that i was really afraid he would think i lied and there were not
much choices he gave me. it was not possible for me to quit, and i have no rights to kick him out..
and i guess thats why when we got problems on the ticket and student loans things i was a bit mad at
him.. coz it's like.. i didnt create the problems. they just happened not coz i did anything wrong.. i needed
help and i was trying to fix the problems... i just dont want to hide anything from him... if there's anything,
i would definitely let him know.. like... i remember i have said that.. i might not let him know as the first person..
coz sometimes it's work or something that i would need to deal with on my own or some other person
would be the key to sort things out.. but in the end i would still tell him. so.. i dont know.. i just dont feel like
to keep secrets from him.. but James.. i'm finally done with him at work... guess that's why i got the urge
to come telling Stephen all these things.. otherwise it makes me really a big liar..
Shan said it's past already.. James got a date now.. there's nothing to worry about much seriously.. especially
i am leaving, and i do quit. but then i asked her if she would kept it or said it.. then she said she would have
said it too.. so.. again it's my bad. then she asked me not to worry too much first. how not to worry about...
if it's my fault, it's my fault. she said there wasnt much you could do actually.. yea.. shes right.. but still...
i should have told him right.. the only thing wrong was i was too afraid to tell him and to get involved into the
whole guessing game like.. being doubted and.. the whole bunch of explanation.. but Cas.. look.. arent you
in the whole bunch of explanations and doubts again? it's just the same. you really should have told him.
i'm thinking what should i do...
anyway tomorrow i would have a meeting at 11... before i would meet up with Shan for breakfast...
then at night i would have dinner with the parent. she's very nice... hummmm..............
i remember the movie... Jessica complaint Charlie was too clingy... he was really hilarious and nuts too..
it's kind of creepy.. then her brother said to her... sometimes just like.. when you like something, you would
wanna be surrounded by that.. then i think about myself... yea.. it's like an unconscious thing that... i do
like to talk to Stephen about everything.. just like sometimes i would wanna tell mom lots of things..
and.. i stay on line many hrs a day... even at work.. just coz i wanna be surrounded with him. Charlie
could sleep with every girls.. but every girls he slept with they would find their mr. right right after..
just like... the guy next to Charlie is always the mr.right.. so lots of girls want to sleep with him.. it's a spell.
then he said... he always help girls to find the right guy.. he sleeps with whoever he wants but that doesnt
satisfy him. he is empty. he really wants to be someone's next guy... well... me too.. he said Jessica was
not just someone else.. she's special.. so he tries every ways to keep her.. being with her is... he doesnt
know what it is.. she completes him. i think... i would wanna be that girl who can complete someone's life.
but could this guy complete my life too? what if i have found a guy who can complete me? would i be the
girl completing him too? in the past 2.5 years.. i think i have been through so much with him... and it's like
the spell too.. cant be broken. i need him... coz i love him..
i slept ard ... 4 sth last night? cant remember.. i just know i slept till 1 sth... i was really sleepy..
i was editing my resume.. cutting down to 3 pages now.. sent e-mails to Dr.Chan, Dr. Eicher, Proff Casey.
it was hard to cut down to 3 pages, and i made some changes.. hummm.. i read some professional ones on line,
so i changed mine a bit.. i dont know what resume means to the company, but i aim to get into the interview at
least, so my resume has to be okay.
i got a phone call this morning.. school called... my certificate and transcript are ready =) i could pick it up
anytime! it's such a big relief.. i was thinking i would never wanna do that computer class again. it was so stupid.
then yay =) i dont need to worry i wont have my diploma copy in my portfolio. hee.
i slept a bit after the phone call.. it was okay.. then i got up..
i came on line immediately... Stephen was on line but... it's like he wasnt really there... or he still didnt wanna
talk to me. i dont know. i'm still waiting. of course i dont feel good about it, but what can i do?
i told Shan that i have told Stephen about James was actually back at work. Shan said yea especially James
is being with someone else now, then it should be okay. i dont know. i was the one at the office facing him
and the students right? i felt weird.. i dont know how Stephen would have felt if he knew about that. it was
my job, what could i do?
i came on line... having brunch.. then went upstair... mom was collecting clothes.. it was a bit sunny.. windy..
it's so nice and relaxing... we watched a movie.. "Snacks on the plane" then later we took a walk.. we bought
lots of oranges.. some bread.... came home i was on line again.. sigh.
anyway... i checked the jobs again.. it's hard. but yea.. see what i can do...
i am going to pick up my certificate tomorrow.. and then... go to H&M help Jackie to buy a necklace... then
would go to TST or maybe just Mong Kok.. i need to check out something..
i'm so sleepy.. im thinking if i should go to bed earlier tonight instead..
>>March 30, 2009 at 5:07:50 PM GMT+8
2009 年 3 月 28 日 星期六 【晴】
i didnt sleep till noon today.. i wanted to.. but ... need to have dim sum with grand parents.
here i am... back home right after. i didnt wanna go to aunt and uncle's new home... well...
do you know what is secret?
something that you dont want to let ppl know about, and wont let ppl to know about.
there were secrets in my life, but... somehow they would be revealed by myself. haha..
recently, i learn about what secret really means. i have secrets with the person i love the most,
and beside him, no one would know about me that much. i'm thinking about something..
i have been thinking about it for awhile already... should i tell Stephen about James was back to work?
but he has said that... if he ever found me lied, he would leave me. the thing is... James did resign.
he came back and i couldnt stop him. i couldnt just quit coz i need money and cant find another job that quick.
nothing happened. everything is clear... but still i didnt tell Stephen. i actually think it's so silly. why not just
tell him. i dont wanna keep any secrets. there shouldnt be secrets between me and him.
it wasnt something that important i thought.. it was just work. i just didnt want Stephen to worry about it,
coz there was too much drama, and it was nothing between me and James. i was worried that he would think
i lied about James quitted. how should i tell him?
hi.. it's me again...
Stephen and i shared secrets... which those only belongs to us..
and i really cant keep any other secrets from him. it wasnt any secret that James came back to work..
so.. i decided to tell Stephen directly. he didnt response much.. i dont know if he was busy or didnt want
to reply me. i just told him anyway.
i'm worried that someday he might think i lie.... and by that time when he would question me, i dont know
what to say. it seems weird for me to tell him now... coz it's been awhile already. but yesterday was like..
the last day i would need to talk with James at work. i guess that's why this morning when i got up... i just
got the urge to... tell Stephen about that.. maybe coz... my job with James at work was done.. so i dont have
to worry about him anymore.. i dont know.. of course i could have told Stephen much earlier.. but that would
be like... asking him to doubt on me again. i dont have the power to ask James to leave, or stop Ella asking him
to stay. it's not about James is a bad person at work. it's just about the awkward situation. but i chose to deal
with it. it was hard... like i said.. students were laughing. teachers asked about it. but it's done now. and i
dont want to keep any secrets from Stephen at all. we shared secrets that no other ppl know. a person like
him that i love so much, i dont wanna keep secrets from him. i told him everything of my life. i shared everything
i could with him. if i have $50, i would spend $25 with him. even when i was poor when i was in Van..
i would do something for him always.. make the biggest i could on the small budget. coz he's my behalf.
the thing is.. the situation i was in made things so hard on me... especially i knew how upset he was about
James flowers. i couldnt just tell him that James was back to work. what if he thought i was lying to him before.
i thought i just need to prove him there were nothing between us beside work. it was bad, coz James was still
telling me and ppl that he liked me. but i didnt change my mind. and till today i'm still consistent about my decision.
i'm still telling James to forget me. i just feel like everything came to the end finally, so... there's no more things
i owe anyone or i need to do for anyone. and at this moment.. i just think i should let Stephen knew i have done
what i have to do at work with James, and there were nothing happened as i said to him before..
i dont know Stephen is mad or would be mad at me.. still i didnt tell him on the first day. but i wonder if i really
have a choice to do so. i tell him everything of myself. everything happened on me about me, he knew all of
them. at work, at school, family, friends.. i really cant hide things from him.
it's hard to explain everything to him now... it was even harder to explain to him before actually. i am not saying
i should keep it from him before.. but.. what can i do? and i'm not cheating on him anyway. its just difficult to
do to someone you really love. i have thought about not to tell him, coz he might not know... but how could i do
that? keep it from him? it's such a big relief now.. but then........ he might be upset now or wonder if he could
ever trust me again. i dont wanna enlarge the whole picture coz... it doesnt worth it. but... i gotta respect
Stephen on that. althought i have kept it from him for awhile already.. there's nothing between us except work...
still i shouldnt keep it from him.
sigh... Castor...
i hope Stephen would understand... and i am so sorry about that anyway...
i feel so bad coz... if i didnt take the flower that day, nothing would grow as complicated. but at that situation
i didnt know better way to handle that. i would handle that better now for sure if it ever happen again..
but i didnt know. it was the first time in my life. James was nice so i couldnt kick his ass. Stephen is the love in
my life. but still i couldnt just quit my job, and Stephen was so against the whole thing. omg.
i dont wanna ruin everything between Stephen and i.. it was so uneasy to start over with him..
would he understand me on this like... coz it's just me.. i cant hurt ppl like that.. but i'm so stupid.. coz ppl are
hurt by me anyway... sigh.
anyway.. i dont care.. i have done what i have to do... i just want to minus the unnecessary harm..
i'm sorry.. coz still i have done something wrong. i love Stephen only... so i hope.. in the end he would still
understand me. if there was better way... i would take that.. and this time is like a big lesson to me..
if it ever happen with the similar situation.. i would rather discuss with Stephen first, and work out the better
plan together. it's more important. he's definitely 100% more important than James.
Here used to be called Shmoo Sassy Rowdyruff's page. It was a random name i got from The Powerpuff Girls' site. however, i am not that little girl anymore. i'm learning how to live a life now. haha! and this is the pic of my 22nd year in my life, taken in the summer of 2008.
here is like my reference, my history, my story, and the little pieces of memorries in my life. someday when i get old, maybe i would just review my life again. or i can share with my close ones... would they miss me someday? i dont know. i just wanna live my life fully and happily =) with the ppl i love on this planet.
this is gonna be my 3rd week here in Canada.
hey..
i couldnt sleep last night..
hello....
Someone who know