2009 年 2 月 17 日 星期二 【晴】

i'm quite pissed off still.. about my family and Stephen.

i eventually replied Stephen's e-mail this afternoon after i have finally done and sent the doc to the SFAA.
hummm... mad.

the guy outside kept singing so loud. it was very very annoying... i went out for lunch... did some work,
got some sushi, sitting on the brench outside.. back to work... quite busy today... i just did lots of work.

when my sister Miki came.. she paid the tution fee.. then... she didnt pay full. she said mom told her if
i paid part of it last time.. so this time if i dont pay, then she wont have the lunch allowrance tmr. for me
i was so offensed. it's like what the are you talking about? i paid last time and i didnt ask you to pay
back coz it's nothing much at all, i dont mind to pay a little if you forget how much it's supposed to be.
you had never talked with me about that at all and you asumed me having that money to pay for her?
if not then you're not gonna pay for her lunch tomorrow? WTF? for me, i do take it very personal.
coz the few days ago, my dad swear that he would take away my passport and cut it into pieces if
i ever get my ticket, and he would never send me to the airport. mom was on his side. they said i had
never paid a dime for the household, i even had lunch with them that i dont pay. they didnt ask me to
pay coz i have my fucking student loan. so that's the reason why they put me paying for my sister
tution fee? it's just way too rediculous.

then, at the same time, Stephen is being an ass and pushy. i dont wanna stay here, and i dont wanna
do so much work just in order to go seeing an ass who would not care about what i feel or think.
ppl said, why would you be mad, coz you shouldnt? why do you change your mind coz you're not
supposed to be?.. the thing is.. why do you still do it when you know exactly i will be mad. why would
you still do it when you know i would be upset then would want to change my mind? coz you dont
fucking care, and you would keep doing these just to make yourself happy but heck care about the
others. what make you think that... this girl still should work her ass off just so as to go on a trip to get
hurt by somone like that.. i have never talked to someone in person like that. coz usually i just wont
want to hurt ppl by words or with any intention.

>>February 18, 2009 at 2:33:37 PM GMT+8

2009 年 2 月 16 日 星期一 【晴】

i'm pretty busy these few days..

i am kindda restless.. thinking about the trip and stuffs.. thinking of the Gov thing.. the student loan is
so annoying.. then also my application for th transcript.. so... many many thigns on my mind at the
same time..

sigh... i woke up very early this morning and i slept like 5 am this morning.. i got only a few hrs sleep..
then i went to TST to meet up with auntie Priscilla.. asking her about the ticket.. but then at the same
time.. the bank got reply.. and then... yea basically i cant move my money in my account in the moment,
coz.. the Gov asked for my account details.. they are just creating more troubles for me.. and the thing
is... untill they approve my deferment application.. there're nothing i can do.. coz they might end up
asking me to pay my loan.. and i have no money left in my account basically.. then i cant even afford
my ticket or anything else. fucking hate it the Gov changed the rules just few weeks ago. so now it's
like if i do have that ammount, i need to pay. it's so fucking stupid.

it's so hard for me to made the decision to go over this year.. coz i dont know what i should do or what
i shouldnt do anymore. i'm just sticking with the plan.. but then.... see what happened is that there's not
thing much i can do really. and now my parents nagging at me about wasting time and money on my
trip. they wont allow me to go. for me it's really annoying and offensive. it's my money, my life, my plan,
and there's nothing about them really. and the thing is i care about them so much, coz we are family.
but if they are being so rude to me about these, i'm not gonna listen to them at all. mom called.. i just
asked her a few time if she has finished.. then i just hung up. so these few days off i didnt really stay
home. i hang around instead. it's not like i'm rebealing or something. it's just shut up.

i dont feel very excited or... happy to go over.. coz after all.. i know i might gonna not like what i would
see or what would happen. things change. things do change for me at least. i know what Stephen's
concerned about.. but... for me.. it's like.... he doesnt really care about what i feel or think that much.
then how could you be happy about doing soooo much for a person in a relationship like that?
and this time i'm just very direct to him about my situation. and then he starts thinking i'm playing games
with him. yea i am sorry things keep changing but i cant control it, its not my problem. i'm so unhappy
about all these too. does he even care too? he wants me not to talk to him again untill it's fixed. i cant
fix it by myself, so i'm not gonna talk to him.

i went in the morning, only had some black coffee from Starbucks with aunt Prisicila.. then ran to Sha
Tin to meet up with Jackie and Shing. it was quite fun to have lunch with them. we talked so much
about the stories at school.. we talk lots about the funny stuffs happened nowadays.. blah blah..
then Shing is gonna get marry.. so we were kindda asking him lots of ques and teasing him a bit..
then i ran back to TP, the bank to pick up my doc and my stupid record.. then.. i went to the office...
i seat down talkign with Shan about work and my life... all the changes and problems i'm facing now..
it's so stupid.. i end up staying there for a really long time.. did some work as well...

back home resting.. dinner... tv.... then talked with Jackie on phone for anotehr 2 years. i miss talking
with her.. we used to talk alot when we were in high school... then now she studys in Tai Wan.. so..
yea.. it's cool every years she comes back.. then we just spend tonz of time together..
i wish when i was in Van, Stephen was gonna treat me like that.. but.. well... and when i returned to
HK.. i saw him trying so hard sometimes.. but... look at what he does sometimes do make me so upset
and hurt. but then he starts not to care about what you think or feel. and i think... its just.... terrible.
coz i still care about him so much.. but he cares about... himself much more than... me. i kindda feel like
what he does for me.. it's more like for us.. and eventually it's more for him...
so.......... i dont know. i'm very upset actually especially when i read his e-mail this evening.

>>February 17, 2009 at 5:56:49 PM GMT+8

2009 年 2 月 14 日 星期六 【晴】

i woke up at 2 pm i guess... very very long sleep.. i slept late last night. i was waiting for Stephen.
but.. no.. when i got up this afternoon.. i didnt see him there. well he was away i guess.

anyway... i rest today. nothing much... but then i wrote something on my Facebook.

Love Song


Love Story


I got tired of waiting
Wondering if you were ever coming around
My faith in you was fading
When I met you on the outskirts of town I said:

Romeo save me I've been feeling so alone
I keep waiting for you but you never come
Is this in my head, I don't know what to think
He knealt to the ground and pulled out a ring

And said:

Marry me Juliet you'll never have to be alone
I love you and that's all I really know
I talked to your dad go pick out a white dress
It's a love story baby just say yes

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i used to say Valentine's Day is my chocolate season. this year is a little bit different though. i used to
give chocolate to some friends and prepare something for my boyfriend.. but this year... i dont really
give chocolate, and so i didnt expect any as well. i used to meet up with a few girl friends for
Valentines. this year.... no. i stay home.

i got some chocolate, cookies from the the kids and parents. haha, quite cute. i always have goodies
from ppl anyway. i bought coffee, then the Starbuck guy gave me chocolates too. i spent some nice
time with the kids at work, and also had a nice time and lunch with my co-workers as well.

hummm.. after work, i just walked home. i saw lots and lots of ppl on street, which was kindda
annoying. haha. i'm sorry, i'm not so happy to see them at all. and i wonder what if i was one of them,
if i would ever be happy about that. i saw the couples were all standing and waiting for the tables,
then the girls were holding flowers, dressing up nicely. it's not romantic at all. i dont know if i would
change my mind one day, but yea.. i guess i would have been so tired coz i would need to wait for the
table. i would have been so tired coz i needed to hold the flowers all night, and wearing the high heels
walking on the street. then i might have been looking at other girls flowers as well. so... i wouldnt be
happy at all i guess. i just want... something simple but meaningful. some ppl say everyday should be
as sweet as the Valentines day. i think it's true. i dont want it all over the top, then the other days so
boring to die.

i guess.. i'm more easy as in... i dont need flowers, i dont need a big meal, i dont want fancy night or
whatever to show off on the street... i just want someone to say happy valentine's day to me. maybe
plus a card or some chocolate or a coffee would be lovely enough for me. i really dont need any big
gift. i'm not a 16 y.o. girl pleading for the hottest perfume, a nice ring, or a big bunch of roses... i can
buy these if i need them. i just dont need them. i need someone who is thoughtful enough to show me
that he does love me, and still he wants to be with me untill the next Valetine's Day. gifts are nice and
sweet. give them whenever you think of that person instead of just doing that for one specific day,
coz.. love isnt like that way. saying "i love you" isnt what you should do, but it's definitely what you
would do if you do love that person. coz... you cant help.. you cant help telling that person.


again, really hate ppl showing off on the street. if you really feel happy and enjoy your night with
someone special, you dont need and wont have time to show off this way. words or gifts could mean
nothing. if you have never wanted or meant to do so, dont do that. but if you do want to then hahah
why not..


i wish all my friends had a nice Valentine's day ;) and i wish myself next year would eat lots of
chocolate as usual. then... also would hear a piece of nice sentence from the right person.

>>February 15, 2009 at 5:49:01 PM GMT+8

2009 年 2 月 13 日 星期五 【晴】

Tell me what is it supposed to be feel like in a relationship?
hapiness? excitment? what else? hopes? satisfaction? no not that perfect..
but i guess what i'm having now is just... nothing special on the Valentine's day.
so... everything is as same as usual. is it what you like, Castor? NO.

i got chocolates from the kids and parents.. ha.. but i dont have greeting from Stephen.
right, he doesnt celebrate. i dont either.. but at least... something small, maybe not even a card, but
just like.. greeting? is it really that hard to do so? i used to have the girl night out with my girl friends..
but then today no. i m sick of seeing ppl everywhere on the street. i rather staying home instead.
so... what kind of fun can you have Cas? no seasons, no this no that.. alright then, you can make
yourself happy. why not? he can do that, you can do that too. yes.. we're patching up.. and i still find
it very difficult to be with him. sigh... well.. i'm not looking for something big or flowers or gifts.. no.
not even a card. i'm just exepecting for something really really simple and easy, just "Happy Valentine's
Day." i guess... if he feels like to say it he would, otherwsie he just wouldnt. so.. i'm not waiting for his
anything anymore. he wouldnt understand anyway. such a few words for today isnt any lies, isnt
something as big as your belief. it's just wishign someone have a nice day on some special occasion.
ppl are just like that. and so... one day when they have lost someone or something, they shouldnt
complain. coz they asked for it.

>>February 14, 2009 at 6:33:07 PM GMT+8

2009 年 2 月 11 日 星期三 【晴】

hi.

i thought we're rebuilding everything... but then... we just come back to 10 days before. so..... why?
so.. after 2 years and half.. now i'm trying to settle down with the guy i love, and... things dont work
well. try to fix it, trying and trying.. so many misunderstanding, so much patient, so much efforts, so
more care, love, and trust... but then... when it comes the the varities of choice, i'm just the 2nd choice.
i try to accomodate, to accept, to understand... something i dont really know or understand. so... in time
i know what they are in real... i sorts of realize different aspects of things.. but then still.... very hard to
accept certain things. i'm not finding myself any excuses.. i do find problems facing certain things. but
then if i cant, does it mean i dont have enough faith in the relationship? or say... coz i dont trust him
enough? i just knew that i had many misunderstanding about him which made both of us suffered alot.
and thanks God that we finally clearified things. but then here comes to the weak part..

since eveything was destroyed, or kindda damaged, how are we supposed to build it up again...
i try to take things slow.. and... be honest with him. then i got some ques, i know i should make sure
my answers before going to see him again.. so.. today i asked again. but... i guess... he's fed up with
me already. i dont know what to do to show him my trust in him... words cant express trust. and then..
after so much misunderstanding and pain.. i do think we need some time to rebuild the relationship.
i dont know.. i cried.. i creid so hard coz.. my heart is bleeding again.

when will he understand there's nothing much to do with trust in him. it's more like some value issue.
it's something more like you dont know what to do but you know you're hurt. that actually kind of taking
away my faith in him. coz.. it hurts. and the worse is.. i still love him and care about him so much..
which is why i trust him so much.. coz i love him. i trust that he wont do things to hurt me or harm me.
he would only want me good and well. he cares about me and loves me. so.. being honest is important,
being kind and thoughtful is important... tell me what's not good about him... he's almost perfect in my
eyes. i know how much shortness he has... but.. in my eyes, he's almost.. perfect. tell me please tell
me this isnt love and i am not blind? tell me in these 2 years and half i have been doing the right thing.
just tell me. tell me that my trust in him is correct, coz i do trust this man. i wasnt sure coz i wasnt sure
if i was putting trust on the right person. if i didnt trust this person at first, why would i be in doubt and
pain, why all those silly confusion was in my head.

i was happy before coz i got my report back.. i got an A on my research. i got an A.
i went back to school this morning, i promised Dr.Eicher i would go sit in his class at least once to see
how his students are coping in the college life. so.. i went back in the morning, and the class was
canceled, so only afternoon class. so i went to the bank.. then walked ard.. then back to school in the
afternoon. i saw lots of chocolate.. i wanted to get some for Stephen, coz... Sat is the Valentines.
i was going to the post office tomorrow.. but then yea.. i didnt want to send him valentines chocolate.
i want to hand in them to him in person, just like the last 2 years i did. so... i have prepared another gift
for him actually.. but.. i dont know what i should do with him now.

i went home after school... then... came on line checking if he's still on line.. coz.. usually he would be
alone and i dont want him to be alone there. so... yea i came on line.. but then.. Leggy was doing her
homework.. so i couldnt use the internet. it's so stupid about the wireless now. then.. i needed more
time, and Leggy started yelling at me. so... what can i do? but i dont expect Stephen would understand.
coz probably i wouldnt have understood if i were him. so... yea... what can you do, Cas?

i have checked the ticket.. if i just buy it right now, then i would only have a few hundred doallars left
for this month, which is kind of difficult actually. but then if i wait then... could be no seats. so.. i dont
know what to do now. but whatever it is, i still wanna go over to see him.

i know i'm a terrible person to be with... coz i'm so indecissive.. but the thing is... it's about the value
issue.. you dont just say yes then everything would be changed ideally. even if i wanna say yes, there
are so many things i have to think about. and i did say yes. but i dont see that "yes" can help me much
on coping with the fact that i do find it not comfortable. beside trust and honesty.. i think there're lots of
work to do to help my insecurity with it. and i cant do it by myself. i need him to help me. if he wants..
then he needs to do something to help me.. otherwise.. it's just too hard for me. i just need to talk with him.

>>February 12, 2009 at 5:45:09 PM GMT+8

2009 年 2 月 9 日 星期一 【晴】

hello..

i just got up.. humm sleepy. i slept ard 3 30 last night? then.. just got up at 1 sth pm..

i got very weird heart beats yesterday, especially last night. beating very fast and suddenly slow then
fast again, and i didnt feel like to eat as well. it's kind of strange... i didnt eat much the whole day..
i went to the studio with my parents, we had dim sum first with auntie Priscilla, then the studio..
we paid... $720 for 20 pics in prints with the soft copy as well.. which is quite cheap actually..
coz that day we were doing photo shoots for the whole 1 hr, i thought we have taken ard 50-80 pics.
then they chose 20 for us, then we tooke them all.

i didnt come home straight away... i left first, then i walked ard Tsim Sha Tsui.. i need some time on my
own.. i went to check out Esprit as well. i am not supposed to buy any more new clothes.. but i did see
a very cute summer shirt.. and... i just bought it with my discuont. so it was cheap and nice to have...

then.. i also talked with auntie Priscilla about the ticket.. she said she would get back to me today..
she said there 's promotion with Air Canada. she knows these very well. i dont know... i havent
seen Stephen on line yesterday, i did before i left home but i didnt start talking. i wonder if i should talk
to him, but... if he really wants to talk to me, he would have? coz... i still dont know if he actually knows
what he has done was so hurtful to me, i dont know if he's gonna feel sorry about that.. maybe he
never felt that, maybe he wouldnt, maybe he did but didnt tell me. so.. which one is true? sigh.

i went back to Tai Po.. then... back to the office as well... just chatted with Shan for a short while..
then came home..

Castor.... i know you care about Stephen alot. but this guy should come up front to prove you that he
is sorry for what he has done that hurt you, althought he might not mean those but at least he should
show his understanding at your feelings. tha'ts seems not easy for him.. but if he does care about you
and still keen about the relationship then he should do that. otherwise... you wouldnt wanna be with
someone who wouldnt know how to understand you and apologize when he might have hurted you.
especailly.. you have already done all you can do at the moment... this time you're doing the research
for the ticket now, and you have started working on your plans.. you care about his life there, you
reject hanging out with guys and James... so... if he's not going to make more move, then... just move
on. coz.. he's probably moving on as well.

>>February 10, 2009 at 6:01:57 AM GMT+8

2009 年 2 月 8 日 星期日 【晴】

i'm finally writing another entry.

hummm on Sat... i got up... resting at home... then went back to the office.
it wasnt my shift but.. i went there to do some work... there were lots of things i should have done
but i havent.. so.. just tooke care of that. then... at night i just met up with the schoolmates. it was ok.
at first i wasnt feeling good to go, coz.. some ppl who we didnt know were there.. so... yea.. but then
it was ok, as in... when i arrived.. they were like so welcoming me. i was a bit surprised. and there
were quite many ppl... ard 15? so... yea it wasnt too bad.. easy to talk to them actually.. then we
chi chat and played games... it was kind of fun. lots of jokes as well. they were quite funny.. especially
when they punish the losers in the games, it was quite fun to watch. and they did make me cry.. and
they made me laugh again. so crazy.

then... after that, i had really really late dinner or subber with Shan at McDonald's. we talked more...
hummmm... it's sad. i mean... about Stephen and i.... i still find it very.... sad. i see more as in... it's late
of me to have realized what he has done.. and it's late for him to know what he did was actually very
hurtful to me, and now i still doubt if he could understand... then i wonder what would happen even if
we would still be together.

that night i slept at 5 or 5 sth am... well... i miss him but... i also have lots on my mind. so i couldnt sleep
although i was already very very tired. then...

i got a call from Stephen.. yes.. a call... how often does he call? this is probably the 2nd or 3rd time only
in 2 years and half. i was like... who's that? coz i was still sleeping... then.. i realized that's him...
i was concerned on his everything.. which sucks.. coz.. we broke up already.. then.. we talked for
awhile.. i do apprecaite that he called... i do.. seriously i do. but you know.. it's a bit late.. and i wonder
what i should do with him now. and i'm worried for him... coz i still care about him so much.

James knew i became single again.. then he came back to work with us. Ella was happy to see him
back. he didnt leave coz of me, but now when he knows i'm single, then he comes back as part time.
he changed his schedule. so.. for me.. it's like... what the hell..

sigh.

then... yesterday i stayed home the whole day.. i was so tired and sleepy.. i took a nap but not enough.
after the phone call.. i got up.. came on line.. i was on line the whole day with him till he went to bed.
then.. i took a nap as well.. after dinner i rested and i was on line.. then we talked for a short while
again... sigh.. Castor... i was just sitting here for him. anyway... i think i need more time on my own..
i need some time to sort things out.. like waht i want.. this and that.. i want to fly over to see him and
take care of him coz i do care about him alot. but the thing is... but what would happen with us?
is it gonna be the same like it always was? i think i cant do that anymore..

i'm leaving home to the studio to choose my grad pic with my parents now..
brb.

>>February 9, 2009 at 3:23:10 AM GMT+8

2009 年 2 月 6 日 星期五 【晴】

hummm..
i got suspended at work.

Carole knew what happened today and these days.... Ella knew it.. and.. Ella came talking to me today..
she said it'd be the best for me to take a few days off first. she's worried for me. and she thinks it
might affect work. so.. yea.. i'm suspended now..

i dont know.. i would just walk ard then.. tkae some time off.. think about what to do now.. and then..
i dont know... at night, i'm supposed to go the the karaoke night gathering. so... see what i can do.

Stephen was on line... and.... now... i realized what happaned there before.. but like... isnt it too late
now? it really.... tells the truth yea... but... he still doesnt get it. of course i was stupid enough not to
have realized what he's done for us.. but i really didnt know, he didnt show me. and i wasnt heart less.
he knew what i did, he just didnt think it was my way to show him i love him and care about him the
most compared to how i care about the others. so what's now? he's so mad and attitude and stuffs..
i am sorry for being so stupid.. but.. it doesnt mean that he was right all the time. within all that i knew
and i could do... i do think i have done my best. and... it wasnt enough at all. and so... he made efforts
that i didnt see, i put efforts he didnt care.. i got hurt from him, he was hurt by me... so... what were
we doing then? it really isnt anything we would like to have. and the thing is.. he still doesnt know how
to say sorry. i misunderstood him for a really long time.. i know how to appologize. but he wont. he
just know... this time he would stop coz i'm upset, but next time the same. so.. it will keep going.

yea.. i'm dumb.. coz... i really dont know how to deal with these.. would you ever trust someone again
if that person has been hurting you while you didnt know what is going on right or wrong.. then all of
the sudden, you just heard that person has been giving into this relationship but you never known that
much.. or you might have just misunderstood him all the time.. could you still forget everything happened
and tell youself that you can do that, to trust that person again to live a life with that person once you
have loved so much.

sometimes.. i do feel like.. i'm so stupid at relationship.. and eventually i just hurt everyone.
so... why am i like that? i just want to be happy, that's all. i just wanna be loved and be happy in my life.
that's all i need. why i have to been through so much tests and exams, and so much pain to realize
someone has done so much for me while i didnt know, then i became someone so selfish. i feel so
terrible that i have hurt him badly. i wish i could have know them earlier, so then it hasnt had to be like
this today. but now... isnt it just too late now? we both are hurt and.. things cant turn back now.
but think about it... i wasnt doing nothing. i did think i was the one working hard on this relationship.
i just didnt know he did put in effort. and now.. when it's time to move to there.. i am too tired to continue.

why do we need to let go.. while.. we do love someone so strong actually? i cant tell what is true or
lies anymore. i need a break. i do need a break.

>>February 6, 2009 at 7:13:42 PM GMT+8

2009 年 2 月 5 日 星期四 【晴】

i couldnt sleep. i kept waking. i cried. i kept crying.

work was busy, a bit crazy, but i still could handel that. nothing have ever made me cry except exam
and relationship problems. exam i could deal with, relationship problem almost killed me once.
same thing.. a break up with Stephen.. the guy i have loved so much, and i actually wanted to marry
him before. he was my everything before.. and since so long time ago... things were changing while
i didnt even realize.. and then.. he used to be my everything, then from yesterday... i just need to start
telling myself that.. i should give that space out.. and to see maybe there's someone else would take
that seat seriously enough and that person would make me happy. if i'm so unhappy all the time, then
maybe i should give myself a chance to take a break, give him a chance to look for better one since he
isnt happy or satisified with me all the time as well.. and so.. we both would still have chances to live
a happier life. i know he blames me. i know... i wish it's my problem too.. it seems too.. but if he has
looked into the problems we have... they are not really from me actually. i wish they were mine, so that
i could fix them on my own.. but no... anyway.. he keeps denying on me.. so.. what can i do?

okay... i'm restless.. i miss him.. i love him so much, i'm so damn hurt.. but Cas... he's the one who gotta
think about what he's done to you and the others and himself as well. it's his time with the chance to
think about himself now. just... live your life Cas.

>>February 5, 2009 at 6:12:52 PM GMT+8

2009 年 2 月 4 日 星期三 【晴】

this is it.

i was ... staying at the office alone till.. 9 30 tonight.
crying was the only thing i did.

i'm single again now.

>>February 4, 2009 at 4:39:40 PM GMT+8