2009 年 8 月 28 日 星期五 【晴】

Hi..

i have been so exhausted these days..

on Thursday...
i worked for 11.5 hrs. i got 3 classes from 8 30 the prep time till 6 sth.. then doing some admin
stuffs and lesson plan prep... then we finished at 8 pm. what the hell. i was so dead.
then.. one of the students was quitting... coz she needs to go back to school in Sep.
we took some pics.. i brought her some Kinder Surprise. haha. she's so happy.

then on Fri..
i went to CityU in the morning... just doing the research thing... quite a lot of work actually..
then, i came out to have a coffee and grab some salad...then i couldnt finish them so i took them
with me into my room.. but the security guard saw me and said no food allowed.
i asked her if she could keep them for me, she said no. so i had to finish them before going back
again. it's impossible. i was kind of pissed. coz the thing is if i brought a bag with me, she wouldnt
even have realized i got food with me. and i'm working there, not a student just reading inside.
anyway... i just couldnt finish that, so i asked the guy who worked at the coffee conner..
i asked him if i could leave my food there for awhile. he was so nice.. he kept them for me..
i told him i would be back ard 2 30 though.. he said no problems. i guess coz i have been buying
coffee and food from them everytime. so he kindda recognized me already. there's a girl very
nice to me too. how nice.

after that, i was already very tired... have been reading over 60 articles that morning..
then i rushed back to the playland. i got a lesson. then.. i also brought some goodies for Ms. Heung
there. she always helped me alot there with lots of printing and coppying job. so yea, just brought
her some chocolate cookies. then.. the lesson was fine. then... Ivy and i headded for dinner..
we had noodles.. joked alot... then we went to the swimming pool.. she taught me swimming.
we were kidding before... i wanted to be a mermaid. then... last night was the first time i went
to a swimming pool since i was 7. so yea... very fresh feelings...

i didnt swim like a mermaid.. in fact.... i was like a pinguin plus a dolphin.
i cant swim. it was soooo funny.. we kept laughing. Ivy said i was too nervous in water.
ha.. we had lots of fun.. then we took shower... and we went for dessert. it was fun.
then... when i got home... i was already too dead... i was completely exhauted.
it's like... so bad. i was waiting for honey.. but he didnt come on line.. i just fell asleep.
i got a bit headache.. then i got ard 12 hrs sleep. when i got up this afternoon... i was having
headache. i guess i fell sick. too bad.. then... got on line... checking mails.. then i got ready
to go out with my family.. grandpa's bday. dad's dad, not mom's side. hummm boring.

i would need to work tomorrow. hate it so much. but i want money and i need money...
so... yea... dont know what to do...

i miss my honey so much... but guess he's been too tired and busy. i wish i could be there for
him... humm... i really miss him so much. sigh.

>>August 29, 2009 at 2:55:36 PM GMT+8

2009 年 8 月 25 日 星期二 【晴】

Hi...

i'm very very tired..
i went to bed around 12 or 12 sth am,... i was so exhausted.. enjoying myself... hee.
then i got up around... 7am.. 30 mins late to get up.. but still really tired.. and i got sore joints..
a bit headache... bad.

yesterday, i was very busy and tired... had two lessons, then rushed to CityU..
hummmmmm the class was okay... got a new teacher called Amanda. she's from Vancouver.
i was very busy at CityU. i got 4 hrs work there, i was like working non stop, coz it was the
due date for some doc.. and i was rushing to finish it. hate it so much. i dont hate doing
research... but helping others doing their research, hummmm.... not so fun... but then yea..
just take it as some.... training or like internship, then that's not too bad. but really... not fun..
before coming home.. i dropped by ROXY. i bought some swimming suit, a bikini...
yea... my first bikini ever, my third or forth swimming suit in my life... haha.. the first two
were like when i was a kid... then the 3rd one was when i was 15... anyway, very nice
bikini but 40% off! NICE. but then.... yea.. look at my fat fat belly, hahaha.. i dont think it's
a good idea to wear bikini walking around. i m going swimming this Friday with Ivy after work..
hummm i dont know how to swim... she's gonna teach me =) she's very nice.
then yea... i dont know... maybe the last time i went swimming was when i was 7 or 8,
with my family at the club house swimming pool. haha. when i was 15, i went to New Zealand,
i was going to have hot spring, but... i skipped it that night, resting in the motel instead..

so yea... today..

i made some mistakes at work... i got up late.. i was 5 mins late to work, but that's okay, coz
it wasnt like... i was very late. i still got all set up before the class starts. but then... yea..
this morning, got a new trail "walk-in"... but it's out of my expectation. coz lately, all classes are
full, 10 students each, full everyday.. so, it was my bad that i didnt mark one make up student
on today schedule.. so.. i counted one less.. and then no room for the new trail, who has
already signed up for that.. he's not really a "walk-in"... anyway, i made some excuses,
i thought he could just sit in first, then maybe arrange another free trail class for him..
then... yea... it turned out 2 students didnt show up. so the class was fine.. but it wasnt really
fine actually. coz this trail kid was such a nightmare. it was a fabulous dissaster.
he was hyper, he screamed, his mom was..... terrible.. and it affected the whole class, all the
kids. i took him away, he was strong and struggling out, his mom stared at me.. the kid
screamed.. and i couldnt do much.

humm i rushed to CityU... just like yesterday didnt have time for lunch...
then... rushed to the library... checked in my room... then set up the lap top and work stuffs...
reading some doc then went out for a coffee at my fav coffee conner. it was nice.
CityU was very busy today. got the Gala funtion i guess. everywhere got students wearing
same colours t-shirts.. lots of student leaders holding up signs.. crazy running around.
i was like.... oooookay... coz i was holding my hand bag, then my another bag full of stuffs,
and also my coffee mug... especailly after seeing Dr.Li, i got a lap top from her, so i was like
very clumsy already walking to the library, then they were just running passing by me...

hummm.. after work.. i just came home.. i was really exhausted..
i rested a bit then i just fell asleep in mom's bed..

i'm very tired..
then tomorrow got 3 or 4 lessons.. gotta check the schedule.. working for prep from 8 30
till 6 sth i guess... crazy...

i got no time to the post office.. i hope to go on Fri.. yea... i really wanna send the gift soon.
it's our anniversary in early Sep. hee.
i really miss him lots... but he seems very very busy too... so yea.... just give him some time..
let him do his work.. guess it might be better..

i told mom that i resigned already... i told her Rosh would be back to Tai Po centre..
which is true, coz.. if i will be gone, she's coming back to the Tai Po centre..
but.. i dont know how to explain.. it's not really very true actually. but... yea...
i feel bad that i lied about that. but it's true that i would need to resign anyway.
i wanna help honey instead. the job i'm doing is not that bad actually. and i could get a big
promotion with a big raise too.. so, i can picture that if i take that offer, i'm gonna be good
for the next two years. the workload would be crazy, but i would have sources and staffs
to work with me as a team. and i would be like... not just a teacher but organizing all the
english courses. anyway i turned it down... and coz i'm going to Van. i want to be with him.
i want to help him with his plan. i think that might be the best for both of us, might have lots
of benefits too.. but it's a bit more risky... and i gotta leave my family.. which is the biggest
problem for me beside the money.. so.... yea... stress..

i hope honey's doing fine... i do miss him lots.. i think of him everyday... and it just... cant
help it... i am living my days... but i'm missing him everyday... i could have fun with my family,
i enjoy being with them and my friends here... but without him... everything is just.... not the
same. it's not good.. it's like............ i do feel good at home.. i love my jobs coz of the kids and
coz it's about human studies... but if it's in Van... things could be as nice and beautiful...
but it would be so much better coz of honey... but then my family wont be in Van..
and i'm gonna miss my family so much.. but in HK with my family.... everything is fine but
honey is not around then my life sucks. so...... it's just... sad. but i do wanna be with honey.
so... i still want to go over Van.. and i think... it would be better for us. so yea.. i do make lots
of sacrafactions, maybe he does too.. so... i dont know.. when he needs me, i want to be
there for him. just like... when i need him, i hope to get to him. humm.. we need some chances,
and some more time. i want a future with him, i want him, and i hope i'm right.

>>August 26, 2009 at 3:35:41 PM GMT+8

2009 年 8 月 23 日 星期日 【晴】

hello.

i have been very stressed. but the last two days i went out with my family.
Sunday, i went out with my family.. we went to Po Toi O with a bunch of his bosses and their families.
it was okay.. we had lots of fun.. i mean my sis and i.. we too lots of pics.. and yea had dinner there..
just a day out to release stress.

back to work this morning.. i have informed them my resignation. i would need to summit a letter tomorrow,
with my signature. i'm ready for that. i'm just afraid. coz of my family, and again... i'm gonna face the
unstable status again.

after class, i stayed taking care of some work then i came home.. i went to fax some doc to the SFAA
from the Gov again.. hate dealing with those procedures.. then after i took my purse out, i found that
i didnt have enough cash.. it was sooooooo embarrassed.. i asked him to let me go take some cash
first, then i would come back and pay. he could keep my belongings. then he said no.. that's okay,
i didnt have to pay. i was like what? no... he insisted just taking whatever i could offer him..
so i paid him 10 bucks, then i was supposed to pay 30 bucks.. it was really bad... then i just rushed into
some drug store, got some snack and took cash from there. i ran back to the store to give him money..
omg... so embarrassing.. but it was really nice of him.

Tung called me yesterday... asking about dinner with some old schoolmates and teachers tonight..
i said yes but i was really too tired to go out already.... i took a 3 or 4 hrs nap.. it's crazy.
i didnt go in the end... too bad..

then i was typing the queen a letter about my Sunday class with Rosh. the letter is long enough, and would
be good enough to report every problems we have. i dont mean to.... dictate her... but.... somehow since
i'm leaving... i just want to leave with good reputation. i dont want in future anyone asked aboue me there
would be getting response like Cas is not good, coz of this and that from her file. you know... if it's not
my problem, i dont wanna take that.

i was pretty tired. i didnt even want to get up for work.
then tomorrow i would have 2 classes, then rushing to City U again. Tue, Wed, Fri would be the same..
then Thurs full day classes.. i'm gonna die... life is so lonely. the lucky thing is i have my family here.
moving to Van would be very ideal, coz of him.. but then..... of course i have my worries.
especially i havent told my parents yet. sigh... i dont know why i'm just sooooooo stupid at this.
then also.. City U would need to be informed as well.

i guess everything is gonna be fine soon...

how about him? seriously... he seems very busy... he told me he's very busy and tired lately..
of course i'm a bit worried for him, but... he's a big boy.. he should be okay.
i should go to the post office this week or next.. but my schedule is pretty tight..
and then... i dont know.. he's not on line these days.. msn or skype, and then... for me, i dont feel right..
but for him... if he needs space, then he needs space. i saw him on skype actually.. but.. i didnt
say hi.. i dont know... guess he didnt want to talk with me. i got his reply last time.. i didnt reply him,
coz i havent settled everything.. sigh... i hope everything would be fine soon. it's so hard for me.

Henry messaged me. hummm.. he apologized to me..
i dont know why.... after so long... he just suddenly wanted to apologize to me..
he asked me lots of weird questions... for me...... i dont hate him anymore. i just dont. i have to say
i did hate him for awhile, coz i hated what he did to me, and it hurted soooo much.... then i became
a weaker girl.. but compared with Benny... Henry's mistake is still acceptable. it's like i just took a
lesson, then i moved on.. and i do have moved on and let go already... i told him.. it wouldnt have worked
out anyway. he had a girlfriend, i was not going to be with him anyway. then he told me i never know
if we would work out.... well.. for me............ i was not going to steal someone's bf. so... no..
he made a mistake but not by choice. although it takes so long, he still apologized to me.
i guess... just not everyone would have this kind of courage. so... i do appreciate his apologize.

i miss my honey.. everything seems so unstable at the moment.. i do feel scared...
but... i gotta place my trust on him.
i know it's hard to make things stable at the moment.. but i'm trying..

dont cry, Cas...

>>August 24, 2009 at 6:34:38 PM GMT+8

2009 年 8 月 21 日 星期五 【晴】

=(

yesterday... i got work at City U in the morning, till afternoon... then i rushed back to the playland.
the time at City U was...... lonely... i took lots of stupid pics.. and read lots of words and pics other
students draw on the wall in the study carrel. crazy. i cried. and you dont need to ask me why.
i dont even mention that to anyone.

i checked out from the library at 2 40... then quickly met up with Dr. Li again.. de-brief... then..
i rushed to get some salad then took off back to the playland. hummm i like the coffee and beverage
from a coffee conner there. nice illy coffee.. fresh salad... nice ginger tea... and the price wasnt high.

i got a call from Queenie. she quitted. i was like omg... and the queen complaint a lot about all the
playgroup teachers. whatever. i was back there, then got 10 mins to eat my "lunch" that salad..
had a lesson, then did lots of work after that. then came home.. i took a short video with the kids..
it was kind of interesting. well.. i'm not happy most of my time.. but... being with the kids could just
distract me from all the worries and unhappiness.

i got 8 hrs sleep last night but not enough... i just got up, didnt sleep well..

finally finished all the assessment reports last night.. and have done 80% of my jobs since last week for
City U. i'm still a bit late, i mean... couldnt catch up with the schedule.. then yea... exhausted. i slept ard
4 sth am last night. i fell asleep in the living room a few times.. and.. i was waiting for Stephen.

this afternoon, i went out have lunch with my sis. hummmm i had McDonald's salad. it was quite nice.
the vege was fresh, and the chicken was tender. i like their vinegar dressing.. a bit spicy coz of the peper..
then yea, the cherry tomatoes were nice as well.. so yea..

then i went to meet up with mom and dad to visit grandpa. he's in the isolated ward in the hospital.
hummm hope he would get well soon. my first time ever go to the isolated ward. it was pretty serious.
we almost need to wear gown to go in. my grandpa was still okay... but he looked a bit bored.

then.... we went to T.S.T. got a dinner meeting with dad's bosses and their families..
hummmmmmm it was okay. the thing is... they said dad and i do look alike.. and yes, i know it.
then they kept saying i am so beautiful.. then started kidding about getting marry and stuffs.
they said they would introduce my dad some guys. i was like... no thanks. i was a bit embarrassed.
of course they are just kidding, but they laughed so loud. i'm a bit embarrassed.
the dinner was fine.. then we walked by a new burger place. we bought two burgers home.
they tasted good. hummmm but not as good as Denis's burger =) Denis and Lisa made very very very
nice burger, the best burger i have ever had. too bad last time we couldnt meet up in the end.
i miss them. anyway.. yea... then we took train home.

tomorrow i need to work again in the morning... with Rosh again. hope it would be okay.
then... would come home... and will have another dinner meeting tomorrow night. hummmm...
see how it goes. i might drop by ROXY to check out their swimming suit. Ivy is going to teach me
swimming next Friday. yay. she said around 1 week, i would be able to see the result. we were
talking about going to gym and yoga.. she said swimming would be the best for me beside yoga.
i havent started yoga yet.. if swimming can help a lot.. i would learn swimming first. coz i cant
swim, and i think i should learn swimming just in case.

anyway... hummm yea..
where is he? is he okay? i dont understand why all of the sudden he just doesnt show up again...
i miss him.. even more now..

>>August 22, 2009 at 6:09:30 PM GMT+8

2009 年 8 月 19 日 星期三 【晴】

you are aware of it, arent you?

i'm really exhausted. i told them today i might quit. and i told mom about it too. i told mom both jobs i'm doing now
dont worth my time and efforts. she saw how busy and tired i am... she asked me to quit and look for another job.

the queen talked with me today.. she wanted to promote me, with a much better salary.
for me... it's like... i have decided to quit already. i told them i might not take that offer since i would have a better
one. i'm so sick and tired working on two jobs non-stop. i cant do that anymore..

it's like... i dont have my life. my life is full of.... work. working and working.. no playing, no fun, no fun, no fun.
i cant do what i want to do... it's either my friends wont do what i like to do with me, or no time to hang out..
or even worse that... too tired to hang out. the worst is... i miss him so much. i dont want to be like this.
i need him. i cant... i dont like it.. i dont like it when he's not around. i'm not a sticky person, but i cant stand that
when he's not around. it's been.... 3 months only since i left.. but... it's just... soooooo hard time for me.

but then... there's a huge step for me to... move over there. that's what i need to do, and what i'm doing..


i had 3 classes today.. my throat is so sore.. the kids improved. i'm so glad about it... i saw some kids' big
improvement... i also had lunch with Queenie. she's ok. i'm so exhausted though..

tomorrow.. i need to go to CityU in the morning, then in the afternoon rushing back to the playland for 1 lesson.
i still havent done all the assessment reports yet.. and one more art work sample to do, then also the
lesson plan stuffs... and i'm still working on the articles from Dr.Li... i just wanna rib them off into pieces.
i'm really sick and tired of it.. its like... omg... how many left? still got so many of them,.. and i need to rewrite
them in general.. it's more like i'm still going to school doing all the research and essay you know..

anyway... i'm not feeling very well these days... i should rest more but i cant. then i miss him soooooo much..
cas.... you're aware of that, arent you? i mean... you're aware of... all your complicated feelings and thought,
right? but then.... what can you do?


A life goes by Romantic dreams will stop
So I bid mine goodbye and never knew
So close was waiting, waiting here with you
And now forever I know All that I wanted to hold you So close

So close to reaching that famous happy end
Almost believing this was not pretend
And now you’re beside me and look how far we’ve come
So far we are so close
So close and still so far



4 am now... go to bed, Cas..

>>August 20, 2009 at 8:00:40 PM GMT+8

2009 年 8 月 18 日 星期二 【晴】

i am very tired.. i dont know how many times i have said that already..

the last Sunday... i got a hot argument with Rosh... i dont care anymore.. she's fucking annoying..
i'm so sick and tired of her ridiculous attitude. i dont know.. i reported to Ivy.. i told Shan and mom about it as well..
i mentioned that to honey...i dont wanna keep repeating this to myself. it's just pissing me off again and again..
cant even understand her now. its like there's no point to talk with her at all. she only knows to blame ppl, but she
never thought about the problems were all coming from herself. she has no team work skills but blaming others not
to work in HER way, while she was lazy and slow, super late everytime, lying all the time, giving me shit everytime..
i thought the queen was gonna question me... but no... i thought i would need to face some confrontation again with
Rosh or anyone, but no... i dont even know what the hell is going on now, or if i need to work with her again.
i just know that i would do my job, do whatever i should do till the my last day working there. it's soooo stupid..
i freaking hate ppl complaining so much when they do nothing at all. i have tried and tried and tried to work with
her, although i dont like to do extra work coz of her. but then weeks after weeks i still need to take care of the
mess, and do so much extra things for her, and she bad mouth me behind my back. screwed me over again
and again? fuck that. who she thinks she is?

today and yesterday i was working at the playland, then rushed to City U right afterward.. i think... i have worked
9 hrs and 10 hrs these two days. it's crazy. i cant.. i dont know how long i can hang on to it.. this is... killing me.
i like what i'm doing.. but i cant rest well, i cant have my personal time. these two jobs are not like... part time
part time job.. it's like... after working hrs, you are still responsible for your work, and so you always give extra
attention, extra time to them.. and it's not only one, but two jobs. so it's like... i'm so exhausted.

i cried today at City U... i was..... in the room alone.. everytime i was there, i was alone.. it's the quietest place,
no one's talking... i work alone, like being isolated. that's fine sometimes.. but... 4 or 5 hrs each days and 4 days
a week? it's like... omg.. and when i got home, i still need to figure out if i would ever be able to finish my tasks
this week or that week. and then i'm so tired at the playland already coz.. i worked at least 3 hrs there every
morning except Sat.. and sometimes i got 2 classes before going to City U, which means 6 hrs work since 8 30,
then rushing to City U being isolated working on all the reading stuffs, articles analysis for another 4 hrs.. then
came home... still need to figure out my schedule and the assessment reports. i have done 4 only last night, and
it spent me an hr something.. then i still have another 14 to do. and i'm late already. i feel so bad... sooooo bad.
i dont have time for lunch at all, i could only eat something on the way there. i feel so sick...

after i left the uni today, i went to Marks & Spencer. i just wanna take a walk.. i want to relax... then i bought
something for honey. i just thought of him.. then also i bought a pair of earrings, on sale, super big sale..
never been that cheap ever. but the stuffs i bought for honey wasnt on sale. but nevermind, that's fine.

i thought of honey today when i was at work... i took a few break.. i just... couldnt keep working like that..
i cried. it's like.... i miss him sooooooooooo much..

i'm gonna resign next week. which it means i am going to tell my parents as well...
stress... huge stress..


i do feel bad... i really do...
i wonder if i am just that weak or... what... it's just... so hard for me..
i asked myself... if i can be stronger, i should hang in there... everything is gonna be fine soon...
but i just wanna cry.









>>August 19, 2009 at 1:51:06 PM GMT+8

2009 年 8 月 14 日 星期五 【晴】

hello..

i am... very tired.

i got up a bit late today but still okay... i got ready to work.. i work for the church function today..
it's for a church, but it's actually in a primary school, with some kindergarthen kids. they are
going to P1 this Sep. it was really hot today... when i got there, i almost melt..
yea.. it's TPMS, my old school actually. i dont find any strong feelings there. too bad...
maybe coz they have so much changes? i dont know. it's totally different compared with the
time when i was still there. i didnt like my primary school so much, so... i dont really have much
feelings. i saw the principal, and i just smiled then walked away. i dont even know if she still
remembers me or whatever. i didnt even want to talk with her.

the program was quite okay. we have less than 20 kids today.. quite a lot of helpers..
they were a bit shy.. but some of them are quite smart. anyway... it was a long day for them
i guess. and for me, it's the same. pretty long... my throat is sore, and also my feet.
i like being with them. i like the kids.. some of them are pretty passionate.. ha...

i walked home.. i saw some nice headband.. i bought one.. humm for a birthday party tomorrow.
i'm going to Ella's baby' bday party. her 1st one, so.. Ella spent so much money and time for
that. i was like... okay. i wouldnt be there on time though. i need more time on my work, and
more importantly, i want to stay on line with honey.

it's been quite crazy here.. i'm trying to finish the work for Dr. Li... then at the same time, i would
still have a lot of work to do at the teaching place. so... i feel quite stressed and very tired.

sigh.

i heard honey was hanging out with his friend tonight. it's good. coz it could erase some boredom
for him. sometimes i do feel bad as in... as a girlfriend, i didnt do my job very well. i am always
away from him. when he needs me, i'm always not there.. i try to be as attentive as i could,
i try to do whatever i could. it's still very different from seeing the person in real. i guess he
probably might have sort of the same feelings. i didnt give up, although there so much things
happened between us, i'd never given up.. i hate those on and off, on and off... so i do hope
that we will be on and on, on and on. i just want to be with him, i need him so much, coz i really
love him so much.

i love my family so much too... coz i've been their daugther and sisters' sister for a really long time
already. every days and nights, yea? except the time i was not in HK. i'm not a super out going
person, i'm more a family person.. so....... even though i really would like to move out from my
family, i know that i'm gonna miss them soooooooo much. and now, i dont know why, i just
start to realize how my parents feel. i'm not a mom yet, but i could understand how they feel
if their daugther is going away from home for long or just moving out. i dont want to make it so
negative, coz..... for me, it's just a new page of life, it's new chances; and most importantly,
honey and i wont be apart anymore. Cas... go tell your parents about the plans. they need to
know that soon.

i dont want to keep honey waiting, and... i dont want to wait too long too..
i'm not being impatient, i just think if we both want it for long, and have been working hard on
the plan, then... why shouldnt we just make it happen.

i know you're stressed.. but...... please... just one more step.

>>August 15, 2009 at 4:33:35 PM GMT+8

2009 年 8 月 13 日 星期四 【晴】

tired.

i got no morning class today... i wasnt feeling very well last night... i went to bed before 1 am?
i got around 9 hrs sleep but... too tired still.. i worked on the stuffs for Dr.Li this morning..
i had lunch home... then got ready to work.. i worked with another teacher, Maggie today.
she's okay. but the kids are still very naughty. they were okay, but.. coz some parents were watching,
so... it's like... i gotta be able to manage the class. after class, i talked with Maggie for awhile.. she knew
about Rosh from Ivy... i told her what happened as well. she was shocked.. then after work, i left..
then i saw one of my students, a kid in the drug store... i said hi to him.. he was so shy. haha..
i forgot his name... but i recognize his face and his dad as well.. they forgot my name too anyway.

a friend knew i'm pretty stressed, he sent me this video from youtube. thanks..


i talked with honey for a short while today... i hope he's okay...
i want to be there with him... i am okay, but... everything is so imperfect coz he's not around. it's so hard for me..
Cas... you're going over in Oct or Nov? you gotta tell your parents soon anyway, and quit your job as well..
omg..

dad's back from Macau tonight... he bought lots of almond cake. yummy.

i wanna go traveling sometime... i wanna go with honey. but last time when we went downtown, he was pretty
stressed. i hope next time, when we go traveling again, he could enjoy more. he's actually pretty cute and nice
when he's more relaxed. i like to be around him, coz i dont know.. it feels comfortable and... secure and safe.

i miss him.... sooo much...



>>August 14, 2009 at 1:18:13 PM GMT+8

2009 年 8 月 12 日 星期三 【晴】

hi..

the queen hurried me to give her more time, she wanted to open more classes for me.
i'm like postponing, coz i know i m gonna quit soon. i told her that my job at City U wouldnt allow me to give out
so much time for here. and she said it was too fast for me to look for another part time job. i said well, i'm
sorry, i didnt see any more classes were available for me at that time. she wanted me to start up a new
course, and wanted me to take in charge. i told her i would try to fix my schedule again, but i know that i am not
going to do that. what i'm thinking of now, what takes the most energy from me now is about... the resign
letter i would need, and most importantly how to tell my parents about my leaving and also the money.
especially now i'm trying to go over in Oct... it just... i dont know.. have to figure it out..

i'm soooooooo tired... it gotta be end soon.. i mean... i have so much different works to do.. it does drive me
nuts.. then my throat is so sore.. coz i have 6 hrs lessons to teach today.. and i did so much work in the extra
hrs... i was there since 8 35am till 5 sth pm??? WTH? and i need to speak so loud and sing.. and... scold them,
the older kids... Eddy was too noisy and too active.. he made others suffer.. so.. i was like.. kind of angry
in class. they are very naughty today... also i would need to work for Dr. Li tonight. i wonder if i am gonna be
able to finish my jobs this week.. omg.. i'm so dead.. and then Ivy e-mailed me so much assessment reports
to do for the kids... then also... need to do some art work samples..

i didnt get the chance to talk with honey today.. i wonder how he's doing..
i feel very sorry that i'm still here but not there.. but to be frankly, i have been trying and trying already..
i'm doing my best already...

i told mom already about going to Japan next year.. she seems okay. she has asked me lots of questions already.
she knows i'm serious, i would work with him, blah blah.. we would try to make more money.. this and that...
but i havent told her i m leaving in Oct to Van first.. i would need to tell her soon.

i'm so tired... i have to rush up everything.. =(
is he going to help me anyway?

>>August 13, 2009 at 12:47:30 PM GMT+8

2009 年 8 月 11 日 星期二 【晴】

sigh.

Cas... what are you going to do?

think about your jobs, you re doing okay, but not getting what you deserve, sometimes both jobs do drive you nuts.
you need to work with no body on a research, or you work with some bitch, or you do a bunch of works without
a reasonable pay. you do have fun sometimes, but the pay is just nothing comparable with the standard.

think about your friends, they are fine... they would support me whatever decisions i would make. they always
help me and be there for me.

think about my family... i know they would worry... especially, i'm gonna leave so soon again. if i were a parent,
i would be so worried for my daughter. but as myself, i want to do what i want to do. i want to try anything i could
since i am young. i'm not stupid-stupid although i'm not the smartest one. but i know my parents would never think
that's fine to do so, coz they wont want their daughter to take risks with someone they have never met. i dont
want to let them worry for me, i care about what they think and how they feel. coz this is a family.

think about him... no doubts i just want to be there with him right now. i have been trying to make plans going back..
i was back to HK in late May almost June.. have got this teaching job in late june. they paid me so little, only could
cover my phone bill and part of the transportation fee when i was going to different interviews. i got this money in
the middle of July. then around that time, started working at City U... only 2 weeks salary for July, and i havent got
it yet, need to wait till the end of Aug i think. i'm guessing by the end of Sep, i would be able to pay for my ticket...
but i'm talking about going over in Oct now, not Nov. i wonder how i'm gonna do this and that all at the same time..
how difficult it is for me. i wonder why cant he wait for a little longer, since he was willing to let me go when i was
still there.

if i'm gonna leave HK in Oct, that means now i would need to resign. it's like talking about this week.
i was always thinking to do that in Sep, and so i could be more prepared for it. but now, all of the sudden, i would
need to do it by this week. but you know how much work i need to finish by this week? i dont have any day off
at all. i m going to work on Sat and Sun as well. i'm going to quit two jobs with two contracts, going to tell my parents
that i'm leaving and go living with a guy they have never met, as they think. i'm going there with no money. i'm going to
do all these this week. i wonder if he actually has considered how hard it is for me, not for him but me. if he's going
to help me, thank him... if not, i dont even know how i'm gonna be able to do that. i know he might have his reasons,
and probably some good ones, but i dont know.

i'm the one who is making so much changes in my whole life, and you think this is easy for me, just as talking?
talking is not easy for me too. sigh... i dont know.. i'll need to figure it out..

Oct is like... quite soon. it makes me so stressful making all the arrangement, not coz i'm not happy to see him..
it's such the greatest news to see him soon. but it just concerns me lots...

i need him... and i know he wants me too.. Cas... what are you gonna do? you gotta do something. cant just wait.

>>August 12, 2009 at 12:04:56 PM GMT+8