i dont know how long i can still put up with that.
to be honest, i do want to give up.
i am very very tired...
everytime when the girl stayed, i couldnt sleep.
i tried whatever i can to ignore her, to ignore them..
but i cant. it affects me so much.
i didnt sleep till this mornning ard 6 or 7..
then i kept waking up from nightmare, one after one.
he asked me to be more aggressive.
but has he ever wondered why i couldnt be more passionate towards him?
bascially when you are told stupid, useless, getting shouted and yelled all the time,
then you just simply got hurt and getting numb.
then when he treats you very well all of the sudden, then it makes you wonder what's going on.
and after a few days, he brings someone home, and then suddenly you just realize that everything he did
has a reason behind. and then you wonder if he just wants to be nice to compensate you, or he does
love you and wants to treat you well from his heart? but it doesnt matter, because the fact is still the same.
it hurts. and the worst is he doesnt understand how you feel. he thinks he has been honest with you,
and thats what you get. the problem is not on him since he has been honest with you about that.
so the question is back on me, why i stay and why i didnt go home?
when the guy can generally doing this to you, and he claims that he cares and loves you so much,
what are you supposed to do?
you need money, you need food.
but you are not asking him for anything, are you insane, Cas?
but when you finally asked him, how did he reply you?
when you felt you are in danger, you thought of him immediately,
what was he doing when you needed him then? where was he? what did he say to you?
for whatever happening everyday, he is your entire world since you are here.
are you really happy? has he really known how to appreciate you?
when he said he did, and when you were touched, what were you thinking?
when he blamed you walked away, when he blamed you being bitchy and not passionate,
how did you feel, Cas?
what is the truth?
why are you complaining about your boyfriend when you actually dont have one?
why? why do you need one?
when he wants an escape, he can do it anytime.
what about you, Cas?
i cant.
theres nothing i can do, there's nothing i can do.
i cant escape, i dont want to escape. i have to get over things, i have to.
but i am not doing it for him, i am doing it for myself.
i want to live my life happily.
after i talked with my mom and sisters last week, i just started crying..
and i felt so ashamed by myself. when my family loves me and cares about me so much,
i am here hurting myself. they love me and care about me, they are not just talking, they are doing it.
when ppl care about you and love you, when they do mean it, it just shows.
no acting, nothing. just simply look at what they are doing for you, they know what you need,
and they try their best to give you even though they cant. and you just know how guilty you are.
not because they know how shitty life you have away from home, not because they know how much pain
you are baring with yourself, not because they want to make you feel guilty, and you just keep feeling shit
because you know YOU KNOW how much you are hurting yourself and YOU KNOW how much it would
hurt the ppl who love you if they ever know how bad you are treating yourself and how terrible you felt with
you life. and you are still not going home, what the fuck are you doing, Cas? this guy is really not worth it.
WAKE THE FUCK UP! WHY THE FUCK YOU CARE ABOUT THIS GUY STILL? I HATE YOU, CAS. I HATE YOU.
>>June 6, 2010 at 10:22:33 PM GMT+8
2010 年 5 月 29 日 星期六 【晴】
should i let you go?
i m... actually.... very weak.
when i m trying to ignore you all night and this morning,
i m bleeding inside. and the funniest thing is.... its hard to cry... its hard.
seeing her lyng on you, knowing she s sharing bed with you, that really really hurts me..
just like something is stabbing in my heart. you dont even understand how it feels.
you show me that you are the most honest man i have seen.
i'd never thought you are a bad person. when i called you asshole, it coz i was angry at you.
i'm angry coz you know who i am and how weak i am, but you still choose to do things that hurt me.
i m angry, coz i m hurt.
i m more sad than angry.
i dont want to live in anger and tears.
but i cant let go of the love we have.
i'm so afraid that one day we would hate each others.
one day you would hit me in anger. or i would just hate you so much that i would never forgive you.
you want me to be more aggressive. showing me how cheesy you and her are isnt helping me.
it doesnt help me to be confident. when i m trying to do whatever to distract myself, you said i m trying
to gain attention, to mark my territory. now i do nothing just want to ignore you, it takes me sooo much
to stay calm and control myself not to go crazy. i cant sleep, i cant think... why would i become like this?
when i m out today, i think again and again, why would we become like this?
i do have a boyfriend, but he is dating other girl instead of me. and i m spending my weekend alone.
then when there was a creepy guy stalking me, i messaged my bf, and his reply is Ok.
i was so scared. when i need someone, the first person i think of is him.
but he replied me ok.
i dont understand.
when i gave you my heart, where did you put it?
if you dont want it anymore, if you dont know how to appreciate it, please give it back to me.
>>May 30, 2010 at 2:52:24 AM GMT+8
2010 年 4 月 25 日 星期日 【晴】
i m so confused.
i wanna stay, i start to worry i have to leave.
love.... when you love someone, you just start to care about that person more than yourself.
that's how i am when i m in love.
i hate it.
yesterday was very painful actually.
well, everytime when i have to deal with her and her stuffs actually just drives me nuts.
its like, i lost the control of my senses and emotions. they are all over the place.
anyway, i m supposed to leave on Friday, but still havent heard from the Government yet..
so... i m worried.
brb... busy..
>>April 27, 2010 at 2:13:52 AM GMT+8
2010 年 4 月 23 日 星期五 【晴】
you said you dont care about her,
why do you let her stay, why do you let her acting like she's your gf in front of me?
at that moment, do you really care about me or you are just ignoring me?
i guess in the end, you are just doing whatever to get what you want,
and no matter how much lies you have to put in, you will do it.
even though you know it would hurt me, you would still do.
then dont come telling me you care. at that moment when you are doing it, you dont. you dont fucking care.
telling me the truth is for making yourself less guilty, but if you really do care about me and how i feel,
how come you didnt think of me when you did that?
even if it didnt happen in the end, isnt it what you have wanted to happen anyway?
just by chance they were playing games, but it still shows when it comes to personal desire, when it comes
to about the others.... i m at your bottom priority. how ironic, how much you care about me just doesnt show
now isnt it? you have time for those meaningless ppl, but you dont have time to bake a pie with me.
you dont have time to have a walk with me. you dont have time to go shopping with me.
oh... so you see the others differently than me. and you are doing what they like, then what about me?
and you tell me you lie to them. and so i m watching you lie so well.
it doesnt hurt you the way it does to me, of course you dont feel the same.
you dont feel the jealousy burning in the body, losing control of the all the senses and emotion.
you dont see me holding someone's hand walking in the street and showing that person to the world
that he is my bf. you dont sit with me and him and best friends every weekend. you dont have to see him
several times a week, seeing him showing off he is my bf. you are not sitting inside the room all day
doing shitty things, you are not the one giving up family and friends having a different life.
you are not the one changing eating habits, losing hair, having weird period, not having sex for months.
you are not the one using your parents money, which it is not supposed to be. and you are not the one
who have to face the stress from your parents and friends about life and plans. you are not the one who was
the top student watching other classmates doing masters or having the jobs you want. you are not the one
postponing everything. of course you feel nothing but guilt, worry and fun.
how much more do i need to take from her?
i'm your secret, and i have to watch her showing off in front of me.
wether she knows it or not. i do feel like i m an idiot.
they probably know and are playing games now. i m a girl, so i know.
she wins. so, can i leave now? she can have you.
i m not you, i cant lie. i cant act like i dont care. coz i do care.
>>April 26, 2010 at 10:03:47 AM GMT+8
2010 年 4 月 22 日 星期四 【晴】
知道男人和女人說謊最大的差別在哪裡嗎?
Do you know the difference of lies between guys and girls?
男人說謊 是為了讓自己好過
guys lie because they want less troubles
而女人說謊呢 是要讓對方好過
girls lie because they want him to feel better
我們選擇欺騙
we choose to lie
是為不想傷害深愛的人
because we dont want to hurt the person we love
我們不是故意的
we dont lie purposely
只是沒有傷害對方的勇氣
just that we are afraid of the possibility that you would get hurt by us
所以才隱藏真正的答案
that's why we... try to hide the truth, bare that inside ourselves.
The reason why I have thought about leaving is not because I don’t love him, but I feel like I am a trouble
here that always causes problems. I haven’t been helping his financial situation but always pissing him off
and then I am making the whole situation worse. If I m gone would help him, I m willing to leave. I don’t take
‘the business’ as mine, coz this is not what I would plan to do if I have a choice. I hate this job, and I know
I am not getting any benefits from it in any stand points. I didn’t expect it would go as bad. But do I take this
business seriously? Absolutely. Because this is extremely important to him. I m super stressed sometimes
at work, because I know I have made much enough mistakes and I cant allow any more happening from me.
His business is my business, his problem is my problem. If he has to bare those, I m baring those with him,
without a second thought, because I love him. I m just a girl, I m 24 this year, I have lots of things I want to do.
I need time for my own. But I m willing to postpone them not because I m lazy for myself. I m a very ambitious
person for my own goals and direction. I will see his business is more important than mine. Because he is my
future. Relationship is only part of my life, but he is more than just a boyfriend to me. Somehow I don’t know
since when or why, I do see him as someone in my family already. I don’t know if he would marry me, I don’t
even dare to imagine one day we would get married. But I know he is part of myself, he is inside me. I m just
a girl, but I know when Its needed, I would be the first one to stand out and protect him from danger without
a second thought. Because I love him.
If I have to go, I would have to go. But my life would be upside down. I always say my life has been upside
down since I came here. Its true. All my life style has been changed completely. And I can see clearly how
that affect my body as well. But, the days without Stephen Bailey, I can‘t imagine what it would be like.
He said to me, he’s sure I would be doing much better off without him. He is not the best one for me. I told
him I don’t know what’s the best for me already. Because no matter what I would do, maybe having my dream
job or lots of high achievements, I would never be able to forget or forgive myself trading in the person I love
for that. I just can’t do that.
Then when I see him with another girl, it hurts me so damn much. Sometimes I get really pissed off and
annoyed, but it doesn’t make me love him less. I m angry, but mostly I am angry at myself. I am angry at the
feelings I am having against what I see. it’s a battle inside myself as in between something I understand and
the feeling I have. Its nothing to do with the girl exactly, coz it could be any girl, but the fact is no matter who
she is, it does make me feel extremely uncomfortable. Its not like I don’t understand or trust him or myself…
its like… I cant bare to see her showing off to everyone that he is her boyfriend-- In my face. Because I feel
like my relationship becomes a secret now, and I have to defence my relationship, its like my mother instinct
I have to protect my family if any potential harm coming right in. but he is letting it happen, in my face. Its either
he is bullshitting her or lying to me. Either way, I m watching him lying. He lies so damn well. I m scared and
I hate people lying. and then now I also have to deal with the ‘girl show-off battle,’ I don’t do these shit.
I m the type of person I wont fight with another girl for any guys. If he wants her more than me, then take her,
I would be gone in the next minute. I would be glad to leave, I dont play games to get the guy. At the same time,
if I ever sense that my boyfriend likes another girl other than me, (not for sex but seeking love with another
person), I would be gone too. I would never tolerate my boyfriend would fall for someone else.
I might be an insecure person in some ways. Because I always use my heart to see things and people, I am
very trusting. So I get hurt easily and I know its danger. So, my eyes are the final thing, like the final defence
that I have to rely on.
I know I need someone who would never never never leave me for any single reasons. No matter what, he
would never leave me. He would love to be with me for life long. We would have our own family. We would
love each others till the end of life. This is the person I m looking for, the best person, the right person. He is the
one. He might not know it, but he is the one.
>>April 24, 2010 at 3:47:21 AM GMT+8
2010 年 4 月 16 日 星期五 【晴】
its been a month i havent been here i guess...
its been too much happening..
i couldnt even try to write about stuffs.
i will be back tomorrow or... i dont know... as soon as i can write again.
>>April 18, 2010 at 10:41:13 AM GMT+8
2010 年 3 月 20 日 星期六 【晴】
hello.
today i read something on line, then it just made me cry. its from the ''the secret diary from the girls''--
i skipped a few chapters..
''today when he was ordering to do this and that, it just made me wonder who i am and why i am doing this.
how much he was paying me, does it worth it? this is very scary, because in this world, i dont know who is real
and who is not. everyone seems having a mask on themselves. i am questioning who i am.
when i m at the coffee shop today, i look at the window and see myself. i look so plain and simple, no one could
have known what i am doing everyday. and i look at the others, and i wonder everyone is wearing a mask.
she might look alright, he might look decent, but who knows what they are actually.
back to my customer service job.
it is a nightmare. because what i am doing now it allows me to see the most difficult situation between people,
all the lies and lies and more lies. i feel like i m dying inside, because i have to face all these things like without a choice.
while i am complaining to my coworker, all he said was i got the right to say no. then i wonder if i say no to most of the
things i dont like, if the customer still come back next time. at the end of the day, the sales and the work performance
are the things what I am really looking at. it is just that realistic. if you have higher sales, you have higher pay.
then you can pay off your debt and your rent. then maybe you dont need to have two pieces of toast for your
breakfast and lunch. you can have a piece of ham and some salad to make it a full meal.
yes, the reality is just... tough. you might not know what i am doing actually. what i mean by customer service,
i am doing something most of the people wouldnt accept, and this is for you to guess what job i am really doing.
i dont even want to say it out loud. for some people they might want it, but thats definitely not me.
back to that customer again, when he was ordering me to do this and that, all i wanted to do is ask him to fuck off.
but i have my conduct, and have to be professional, so i didnt say anything much. every minute was like torturing
myself. i was trying my best to fulfill my commitment to this job, but at the same time, i sort of understand no matter
what i did is not going to satisfy every single one. he kept being demanding, but i was not capable for that.
i remember when he was calling my name, i was crying. but i avoided looking at him, and he didnt see me crying.
i could feel my tears falling from my eyes, on my cheek and down to my chin.
all i was thinking is how come there are such people in this world, and why do i need to deal with them?
the money is not going to be enough to bring my dignity back, it is not going to be enough to make me proud to tell
my kids what mommy is doing. deep down i know, this is not what i like and not what i am looking for.
its like everyday when i get up doing my make up and dressing up, i dont see a life. all i see is another dull day start,
and someday it is gonna end, but its so sad that i dont know when.
everyone has a price, thats what i have heard. then i asked myself how much i actually worth. i think there's no such
a price i worth. because there shouldnt be a price for me. but look how ironic it is, because i do have a price tag on me
now, dont i?''
i cry, because i see this girl is not living a life, just like myself. does everyone really have a price?
so how much do i worth? i would never never never want to sell myself, unless its life and death. if people force me
doing so, its just insane and i would never be okay with that. because ppl just dont know what kind of pain it is and
so wont even be able to know how painful it is.
i spent my weekend alone again. not exactly alone but most of the time i am alone. yesterday i wasnt feel well,
so i finished work earlier. i had dinner with honey only because his friend left earlier i guess. For any reasons,
if he was still around, probably i would be having problems about what to eat again.
its kinda of funny when i asked him on Fri.... so i am going to spend my weekend alone again.
he said... well i always needed to work, hes always doing his own things anyway. so...
yes, he's right. and thats why i am dying inside. i always look forward to weekends, for me....
coz at least something was gonne be different from the weekdays. at least, we could go out together sometimes,
at least we could go to the store sometimes, i got some companionship to do something different, and that companion
is him, that makes things special for me. but hell no now. he s making everyday the same. weekend doesnt sound like
weekend to me anymore. its just the same dull day. he used to tell me he didnt want to deal with his coworker
on the weekend, so he dealed with her on weekdays instead. but now, i can see it really really clear that...
it doesnt really matter wether its weekday or weekend actually. why made me believe him?
but yea, and i dont know why i was so tired all day long. i m kindda confused too. its like everyday he got friends
coming over, and i dont even know who they are. and of course i m still alone. but yea, at least i had a dinner
with him. yea AT LEAST. and if it would make anyone happy, then yea, hold on to that. coz you never know when
it would happen and when it would stop happening. we just dont usually eat together anyway. no... i just dont usually
eat with anyone anyway. no matter it is morning afternoon or evening. if i m living alone, i could understand and
i would appreciate the freedom i have. i could do whatever i want. but the situation now is different.
if i were living by myself, i would have a coffee table in the kitchen, so i could just have my coffee, snack,
breakfast or whatever anytime i want just sitting there and looking outside the window. if i were living by myself,
i would make whatever i want to eat not have to worry about the others, and i can always invite friends over.
its okay though, it could happen in my dream.
i had a really really tiny portion of pasta, lasonia. the portion of food wasnt enough actually but.... by chance the
cheese did fill me up. then today i just got up late. i had around 8 hrs sleep. its been awhile since last time i had
enough sleep. then... i just continued my job. i am sick of what i m doing these days.
and come on... i dont really have a day off that i can just relax and not to think about work, do i? its killing me.
and honey is having fun with his buddies and friends. and i m just sitting inside doing my own thing, working and
working, being bored. I feel very lonely, but I doubt he could understand, and that’s the hurting part. He doesn’t
even seem to understand why I m so bored. Its not because of the tough job, its because I m always alone. i dont
know how much i have cried already. its like.... i cant control it, and i cant change the fact. i feel so terrible.
i wonder how longer i have to work for this shitty job and being alone. i m dying. i really am. ppl might no be able
to see it coz i hide it so well. in the evening, i just took a walk by myself... it was so peaceful outside..
same being alone... but it was just beautiful and peaceful outside. i didnt wanna come home at all.. but.... i came home.
I told myself I should come home no matter what, no matter how much I hated it, whatever it takes to ignore whats
going on at home, I needed to come home. Not that I wanted to but I had to. i came home, made tea, went back to
my room... i just started crying. i didnt see anyone walking alone in the park, i was the only one who is alone.
and you ask me why i am alone while i m living with my bf? coz he is busy with his buddies from day 1 till day 14.
and he thinks that’s ok. Why not go asking around who girls would find it okay. the late night is our time, for him.
yes, for him. and he doesnt even seem interested what i have to finish saying. i m sure from now on, he would
be busy with his buddies always, coz they need him. I remember he asked me about the difference between now
and when I wasn’t here before. He told me how often he had friends coming over during the week before I was
here, and he asked me how often I see his friends since I m here now. At that time I told him not much at all only
once a while. But look now, its not true anymore. then i ask myself why i am here spending all the days alone
except every late night. yea, at the end of the day i could finally see him, so... that is a relationship supposed to be,
hummm, right? Then the other time i just stay in my room, 7 days a week. That’s right? Is it?
Cas... you know…I can see your frustration is not because if you doubt him loving you, you know he loves you
so much, but you do have a difficult time to accept what he does coz he couldn’t show you he’s doing the same
for you to make you happy. he thinks that i would be happy if we do this and that. yes, i do, but..... i need more.
Its so funny, coz he does care but he doesnt do much about it. i m like..... crying. its not even about if ppl expect
me to leave someday.. its about if you want me to stay, then will you do something to make me happy too.
Especially if you know what’s meaningful to me, will you do that for me? women are very simple just like men.
If that girl can make the man happy, he would stay with her. Same with the women. Put it this way,
women cheat for emotional needs, and its not just saying, it happens realistically when another person can fulfill
that emptiness, then the woman would turn her head around, then sex happens next. Coz this is what women
needs, the guy might be just screwing with her and she probably knows it but she would still do it. Isn’t it just the
same with guys? When that girl can make him happy, he would rather spend more time with that girl than his wife,
no matter he would need to pay that girl for her time, no matter how hurtful it is for his wife.
you know... however, since last time the pillow talk...
things have changed... las week one time i was really really tempted not to go down hang out with him at night.
i met up with one of his friends. and she kept coming over in every two days. i am so sick of it.
and i was really scared inside... coz i didnt know what to do.. i kept asking myself, Cas... how brave can you be?
if you are a tough one, then you need to confront with yourself and confront the fact. i did it.
i went down, stop thinking about anything negatively. i survived. i saw him happy, and i thought thats okay.
it was a big step for me. but then.... she just kept appearing in the house, and... i really wanted ignore her existent.
its just so hard. its like..... you are on your way learning to accept and tolerate things, and it takes time and you
need support with that. but then your mate just kept adding pressure on it, its like what the fuck. and you cant
even do anything about it. and you are stuck in your room.
Even though I seem very insecure with myself, but deep down I know how beautiful I am, I do know, not about
appearance, but as a beautiful person. i didnt find myself attractive anymore, but... he told me and he proved to me
that he was still attracted to me. i do appreciate that, and he knows it too. Most of the time I cry is not coz of the job,
coz I m bigger than that, I could cope with that. Most of the time driving me nuts is coz I know I could be happier but
I am not. You know he could make you happy and he knows what to do but he doesn’t do that. He says he is a guy
and so he doesn’t do that. If I m a demanding person, I can understand why guys don’t want to pay the efforts with
me, but I m not. What makes it so hard then? Coz I m too nice? I m sick of BS like this from the guys. anyway, too bad
I m not interested to entertain other guys, otherwise he would need to watch out.
Love, love, love. Love does drive me nuts.
i hate to write diary like this...
maybe i should stop... maybe i should try to figure out ways to...... live happier... on my own... by myself...
as usual, as it always will be. then one day i wake up and wonder why i need a boyfriend.
basically i wont need anyone. its not being strong or tough. its just being sad.
bleh~~~
but i love him. he's next to me, he's in my heart.
we do work hard together, we do have a future together.
i wont give up so easily. well, unless he made me to... which i dont want it to happen..
coz i do love him and do want to be with him... not for just a short time... i kindda... imagine being married with him.
i dont want to scare him but i started... having that picture in my head sometimes.
>>March 22, 2010 at 10:39:09 PM GMT+8
2010 年 3 月 16 日 星期二 【晴】
life is full of changes, and then we grow up through experiencing them.
on the last weekend... i was experiecing loneiiness, then i tried to relax and enjoyed myself
alone... like what i used to be when i was in HK apart from him. its not like detaching myself
from my feelings with him, but in a way just try to have my own time. stay alone.
hummm not like what i m doing everyday in my room, same staying alone... but sort of
different types of ''staying alone'' coz when i stepped out, i m no longer in that kind of
working env, not the same mind set.. i could relax.
anyway... i was hang out by myself at richmond centre.. then i went home afterward..
then i went out again to get dinner. i just spent a whole day alone basically till very late
at night.... when he eventually got time for me. coz that morning, we didnt even talk.
he knocked on my door before he headed out, and we had a 30 sec conversation.
i was not feeling okay when i was sitting home working. its difficult enough already,
and i thought maybe weekend we could spend some time together which usually is the
break time for me to relax a bit in the week. coz usually weekdays are very boring.
anyway... i wasnt in mood, coz its been stressing enough for the entire week and i still
had to deal with my messy thinking about whats happening.
i took a walk at night, and i kept asking myself to be brave...
then i asked myself, Cas, how brave can you be?
i gave him a bitchy look at night, coz i was tired, i was super bored, i was lonely, i was
jealous and i have been feeling bad about myself for quite awhile already.
i found myself unactravtive, coz i felt like he s not attracted to me. i left his room while
he was falling asleep.
the next day, the Sunday. he ate those timbits i got him. he asked me why there were 5 left
only. he joked if i was punishing him. for me, 40% coz i was unhappy, 60% coz they
taste much better when they are fresh, and i didnt know for sure if hes eating those the
next day. i rather ate them than wasting them.
we got some talk again. and i saw his tear again. and i tried so hard to suck up my tears,
not to cry in front of him. i understood him more and started to realize that he does love
me so much. i knew i mean alot to him, but last time he did scare me about his crazy thing
about the dogs and his life.. and i doubted that he wanted a future with me, coz when he
talked about having tests or babies, he didnt seem to picture himself as my future husband
or the dad of my kids in fiuture. but then since Sunday morning, i started to realize that actaually
he did want a future with me, because he does love me and care about me so much.
and he took responsiblities for me in every aspect. he doesnt talk about sweet things
usually, but after hearing what he said that day, then i thought of what he does usually...
i know he wasnt lying. he didnt want me to go, hes happy since i m here. we might not
need to do so much, as long as we are together, hes happy. he'd feel safe and cozy.
he knows he could relax. i should put it this way... this kind of intimacy is very different
with just pure sexual attraction. if its just sexual attraction, its kinf of empty. its totally
physical and wild. then i wonder what we are and why he chose me still. then... i knew
he likes my personalty, my look, and also the strong commitment i have with him, the faith
i have in him. he has plan for future, and he has me in it. and when he asked me if i thought
that he would rather risking our relationship and our future over something, when he
asked me, i saw tears in his eyes. he said if he could have the certain control over some
thing, he would have done that already. but he cant promise me anything coz he doesnt
know if he would or wouldnt be able to do that. he also rather be honest with me,
coz he cant hide things from me. he just cant. coz he cares about me so much that
he cant lie or hide anything from me. coz i m that important to him.
i also asked him a very important question that has been on my mind for a really long time.
i asked him at the first begining, if he was just pretending to be very nice or he actually
was feeling it. and i got the honest answer , and it does save the crisis.
he also talked about coming to HK and seeing my life.. things like that. for me, it does save
the crisis between us. coz i definitely cant accept relationship building based on lies.
but that day, i got another challenge. coz i was going to spend the whole day with myself
again. i remember i used to strive for space and time for myself when i was in hk.
but when i m here, i just want to be surrounded by ppl.
i wanted him to enjoy himself but i couldnt say it out coz... i m not 100% sure if i could
handle it right this time, or how i would feel this time. its like...... sending a message
of encoragement. i want him to feel happy and do what he wants to do, but i cant say
i d like to encourage him doing that coz somehow i m still very affected by that. i dont
want to give ppl hope then disappoint ppl. so i m usually very careful with promise or
things like that.
i went back to Richmond centre to get Miki and Leggy necklaces. then... nothing much..
i was happy that i bought a book with my chinese new year pocket money. i wanted to
get this book in hk before i came here, but at that time the book just arrived the stores and
its quite expensive. so i didnt buy it. its called ''have a little faith'' then i came home...
i wanted to buy clothes or whatever... but i couldnt. food is more important.
dramatic thing is.... that night was still ok. Monday night was not.
on Mon night.... i just told him what i have to say. coz... its been really difficul.t for me.
he told me something very very important. and i know he doesnt share this with the
others.. so.... even i feel like to write it down here, i kindda stop myself doing it this time,
coz its private enough. i just know that i would put his words in my heart, on my mind,
remind myself when i am about to feel sad, i need to remind myself that... i do have
him, as in i am really important to him. i was crying, coz i was scared, and i needed to
tell him everything and how important he is to me. i cant accept that he expects me
leaving him someday. coz... i cant and i dont want to expect him leaving me someday
while i do want to be with him and i do love him so much. he even said hes confident
that i would be leaving him one day when i would be eventually sick of him. and he
cant bare the lost. for me, its the same message as in.... i m insecured in our relationship/
and it is true for him coz he said he felt like i m telling him i m going back home tomorrow
everytime when i gave him a bitchy look. its almost the same as he s telling me that
he loves me so much but he thinks that he doesnt deserve me. it really breaks my heart
somehow. coz.... i do love him thats why i m here. i cant promise him i would never
leave him coz he cant give me the same words. but i do wanna tell him i would never
want to leave him, but i m scared to say it. same as what he thinks... if i say it,
i would worry it would end.
for me its like... if you are expecting you are gonna lose something, then you would
be losing it, coz you are losing the faith, its like your direction is towards the loss.
and you are no longer persuing what you actually want.
if you cant have the absolute trust and faith in that person, how can you be happy and
satisfied with that person? its not easy and it takes time to develope. but if you already
expect yourself wont be having it, then...... what am i supposed to do when i am
telling you that i do wanna love you and be with you. dont shut me out, please.
if you cant feel secured with yourself or me or our relationship, what do you expect
me to do then? do you really want to expect me stepping out from your life?
he is so strong, and at the same time..... i see a very fragile self inside him.
i see alot in him which i dont want to write down here. coz this is too personal, and
so i cant write them here.
anyway, he is like.... my baby. and it does make me feel that...
i do enjoy being around him actually no matter how rude he is sometimes. i do enjoying
seeing him and doing whatever with him, even though maybe doing nothing.
its strange but true... coz if i lost him, i know how it would feel like.... empty, completely empty.
its not like i cant enjoy myself when hes not around. i could, and thats very important.
i could enjoy myself when hes not around. but that only coz i know when i go home
at night, i know he would be home, and i would be able to see him and say hello to him.
its so important to have someone home waiting for you when you have a long day out.
its the beloningness. you know where you belong to, and you know you are not wrong.
i want to see him every day and night. i want to take care of him, i want him to be
happy and content. i want to protect him, becasue i love him.
i was crying coz it hurts me so much when hes bascially telliing me that he doesnt know
how important he is to me. he wants me to do what i want to do. he wants me to be
strong and confident even if someday i might leave him or he really cant be with me
(touch wood). he worries for me.
someone said that before... women is the very simple speices. if you treat her well,
like dont cheat or lie to her, if you love her and take care of her, she will do anything
for that guy. i think its so true.
brb.. need to shower first.
>>March 18, 2010 at 8:08:45 AM GMT+8
2010 年 3 月 12 日 星期五 【晴】
hello.
i just sneak out from his room. i cant.
i m a human, not a robot. so... i chose to leave.
today, i hang out at Richmond Centre. yes, surprise. i finally hang out there without rushing myself..
and of course i was by myself. i checked out at The Body Shop... got 60% off for everything i bought..
so i bought what i needed. its like they are from the money i shouldnt spend. those are not my money.
so i didnt really buy much, not like when i was in HK.. today, i just grabbed what i needed, and i also
compared the price with other brands that i might like to try... i think if i get 60% off of The Body Shop,
then yea its still reasonable price.. otherwise i just cant afford that, i could only use other brands.
i was also looking for something for my family. basically i missed Doris's bday, then Miki's coming...
and next month would be mom's bday... then if i m not going home next month, then Dad's would be in May.
so Miki wants a t-shirt... but i m think to get her something more since her prom is coming in May..
then... i donkt know.. i would use the money from Chinese New Year to get my family something.
i also bought timbits and some candies home... but he didnt touch those timbits.. so i almost finished them all.
he got a guest tonight. we didnt get a chance to speak today till he was leaving the house in the
afternoon, then we just had a 30 secs conversation. he went to the store, getting stuffs for tonight...
when i came home, i was thinking oh maybe tonight i could have some bread for dinner. but no...
he forgot to get me bread. sigh. then when i came home... i just found that my slippers were gone.
it's his problem i think. i have been living here and wearing those slippers everyday since Nov..
how can it be possible that he let some other chick wears my slippers? i m not making it a big
problem, but it is a problem if he doesnt even realize those slippers are mine. if he knows thats mine,
then how can he let another chick wears mine?
i wonder what other women would have done if they were me. knowing what's going on is one thing.
seeing and letting it happen is another thing.. then the most incredible part is... you know it but you dont
say anything. and when i m doing it, i m blaming myself. because i m not protecting myself. i m not being
strong. and so, that's the pain i m living in now. and please dont forget that.... this is a secret. i cant
tell my friends, my family, or anyone. except here.
you know why i hang out by myself today? coz i cant stay in my room by myself all day long.
especially on weekend. i m lonely. if i didnt go out, i dont even need to use my mouth to speak.
even at night when i came home.. i cant stand it.. i went out again to get a sandwich. again, the money
that i shouldnt have spent.
i m dead.
the more i know about guys, the more i think i might as well just be with girls.
i know... i know i m not quite attractive, i mean to him. i dont have a great body and i m getting fatter..
i m getting old, and i m not pretty. i m not hot. i know... i dont even know if there're still sexual
attraction between us. sometimes i doubt that. maybe we could fuck for money, other than that,
i just dont see he's interested in me that way. i wish i m wrong, but who can tell me?
on my Facebook.. i even wrote.. sometimes being single isnt too bad. so i wont need to worry about
how another person feels or what he needs. its just so hard to take the balance between another person
and myself. when i think about he might appreciate at what i have done, then yea.. everything is paid off.
but the pain and confusion are so real too. they are real. i cant ignore them.
i think.... being someone's girlfriend eventually could just drive me nuts. thats the problem of mine.
coz i m very sensitive in interpersonal relationship. i kindda see things very easily as in... if i pay attention,
from some little small actions or eye movements, i could see the truth accurately or at least if something is wrong.
i dont say anything usually but it doesnt mean i dont know what's going on. i dont confront ppl easily, especially
with those who are close with me. but once i do, i would turn to be very direct and harsh. i know i am very good
at that. i remember i was in the debate competitions in school, and i won a couple times. the debate club
nominated me as their club host and chairman. i just rejected them coz i was too busy.
you know.. i kindda feel like i'm just some ''yellow cab'' sometimes. i work the late night shift as the cab
driver. ha... just kidding.. but its true that... sometimes i do feel like it doesnt really matter if i exist or not.
i mean its good to have me around with, especially at late night. i m quiet, i m not demanding. i give massage
till he falls asleep then i go to bed. when he wants to see me, he just calls me. when he doesnt need me,
then i just stay in my room. he could have the morning conversation with Ayako, have dinner with her..
then work and play with his dogs.. and even hang out with other chicks.. but i m exceptional.
the most important time for me to be around with is at the late night and weekend if there are no other
chicks around. because i'm convenient and easy, just like a cab. and so, i think he shouldnt complain if
i m not giving a nice massage.. coz.. when i m massaging him, my hands are pain and sore. and he's the
one just lying there and falling asleep. he needs a machine or a robot not me. again, even though i m
massaging him, i feel alone. it's not even about being jealous or not. its just the fact. i dont feel okay.
sometimes i do feel like.... i'm just a possession. or like a check list, there are tonz of things you might want
with me. so this is done, check, that is done, check.. even if he didnt think i am, he is making me become one.
he could do whatever to try to compensate me or explain why this and that, or how i could feel
better.. the thing is... it doesnt change the fact. it feels strange, and so i react strangely.
i m a human being. i cant act like i m fine when i m not.
i m a girl.. you cant expect me to think or feel things like a guy.
i dont know what to do with myself now... i keep telling myself to be strong and stay calm..
i dont want to turn into a bitch. coz i dont like that when i m being bitchy. and i can do much better
than that. it's not like i want to take things so serious or so negative. its just.... you cant blame me
for what i feel. you can go ask around the others at my age, would they ever be willing to accept what
i have been experiencing. if they dont, why and what would they do? if they do, why would they do?
so you know where i stand now... the middle of nowhere, between the do and dont.
i think i should go to bed..
i wish no one is reading my entry tonight. gosh, i dont even know who is reading.
no offense, but i think i probably dont know you in my real life. and thats alright... coz you dont
need to see how messed up i am.
Here used to be called Shmoo Sassy Rowdyruff's page. It was a random name i got from The Powerpuff Girls' site. however, i am not that little girl anymore. i'm learning how to live a life now. haha! and this is the pic of my 22nd year in my life, taken in the summer of 2008.
here is like my reference, my history, my story, and the little pieces of memorries in my life. someday when i get old, maybe i would just review my life again. or i can share with my close ones... would they miss me someday? i dont know. i just wanna live my life fully and happily =) with the ppl i love on this planet.
i dont know how long i can still put up with that.
i m so confused.
hello.
Someone who know