2009 年 5 月 19 日 星期二 【晴】

today is... Wed.
is my cup half empty or half full?
at this moment, i see its half empty.
i m not freaking out, but i m sad and afraid.
i m trying to... think about different options and what kind of plans are available.

if i think about only myself, there is no doubt i should just go back to HK.
but when i think about him... and think about... us.... then.... i think i should stay.
but then i cant work here. what about my student loan? and how am i gonna explain to my family?
i love this guy, i am gonna follow him. but what am i supposed to do?

>>May 21, 2009 at 10:26:17 AM GMT+8

2009 年 5 月 17 日 星期日 【晴】

i have realized that.. i m supposed to leave next Mon, which means i have 7 days left.
i miss hong kong, i miss my family and friends, but i know how much more i would miss honey if i m gone.
that's exactly what's gonna happen.

today i brought it up to him, like... i m supposed to leave on next Mon.
then... i kindda felt like he realized that but he also didnt really thought about it. its like he has already
expected me would be leaving later than next Mon. but when we talked about it, it just beings us back
to the reality that, hey either i have to change my ticket and tell my family about my plan, otherwise
i m going back to hk next Mon. it's kind of depressing. seriously it is, at least for me.
i m already like.... so used to be around him... everyday... just everyday. weekdays, weekends...
i even dont go out that often any more, dont meet up with friends that often at all, just coz i wanna spend
more time with him. just want to be around him. just want to see him as much as i can.

i m so glad that finally yesterday i helped with the cleaning. and in hk, mom complains i dont help.
its not about i dont want to help. its either i was too tired, or i didnt know how to help at all since she
didnt really teach me how to do things in her way. and she is super fast anyway. mom complains i dont
know how to cook. it isnt about not knowing how to cook. i know pretty much how to cook, i watched
her doing that, and when i was living with my friends, i cooked, and tasted the same as hers. so... its
about the chances i have or not. anyway... i m glad that i can help with the cleaning. and today...
i gotta move all my stuffs out, stayed into a ''prison'' for a bit, then move back to my room. haha.. well...
i dont know. of course i dont wanna move out, but if its necessary, then...i will. and the thing is..
i m secretly wondering.. if he has to choose wether having me in his house or having the rent.
but i wont ask him =) i dont need to ask him. and seriously, i do wanna help him, to share some house work.
coz... its really a lot to do to take care of the house, while he has so many other responsibilities at the
same time. i wish i could just stay and help him. but then again, i gotta ask myself.. what about myself?
what am i gonna do here? and.. what about my life, my career and stuffs? but when i saw his smile
after he has done his ''quality control checking'', then... i wonder... i really wonder how a housewife
i could be like in future. what about cooking? baking? gardening? other house work? taking care of kids?
it might be still a bit early to worry about, but i know i would be a very great wife and mom.

he starts to laugh at me when i m laughing. tonight, he asked me a very interesting que. if i actually understand
what i m laughing about, the real humor from the tv show. if i m laughing coz i think i should? hummmm...
5 % of the laugh might because of being polite or friendly.. but most likely i m laughing at what ppl dont think
its funny at all. i laugh coz i find things silly and stupid which others dont think so usually. and... ppl tend to
think i laugh too much... its like already a signature of mine. but then when he asked me, i was thinking like,
even if i m not laughing for what others laughing at, i am laughing coz i find things funny. and... its like...
i have been always like that since i was little.. my dad knows it the best... i talked random then i started laughing
at myself. my mom is like that sometimes even till now. so.. i guess its DNA and my personality more than
a culture thing. and i laugh even more in the chinese comedy shows. i m weird. but i guess its still better
that i laugh then i cry.

i hope that when we are out, in a store or something, i have improved on not blocking ppl ways, not wonder
off as much. it was kindda funny last time we were in a suppermarket.. then someone was behind me,
and i didnt notice him walking near to me, so i have blocked his way. honey knew it, and asked me to move.
then after that, i started looking around every 3 seconds. then he told me i dont have to be like that. i told him
i dont want to block ppl way. he said in general i just need to know what's going on. but i guess i was more
like a thief, being nervous looking around if ppl have found me stealing. hahaha.. well anyway, i just wanna
becareful not to block ppl way.

is he really comfortable to be with me? would he be too comfortable to be with me?

i remember last time... when i was closing his door from outside, i locked the door accidentally. he was
like... angry, speechless, but... surprisingly, he wasnt so mad at me. i wanted to laugh when i saw it
happened coz how unbelievable i did. its just... odd. i heard him saying unbelievable. he was so angry
and speechless, but he didnt yell at me or anything. but i was kindda expecting he might say something,
but he didnt. he was very nice to me. i feel bad, i still feel bad.. but at the same time i find it very funny.
how could it possibly happen? but... sometimes something impossible or strange would happen on me.
so.. i cant explain why, it just happens.

probably in his eyes, i m dumb, clumsy, silly, but... he still loves me. he accepts me but helps me to..
improve myself as an individual in many ways. he cares about my safety and security so much.
even when there are conflicts, these two things come first. and consider how responsible he is,
there is no way i dont believe him he is being his real self to me. he might lie sometimes i can tell,
but when he is with me, he is being a real and honest man. even when he lies, and i can sense him
lying, i know there must be some reasons he cant tell me everything. if he needs that space for
himself, i would respect his space. coz i trust him. it doesnt mean i wont be pissed off.. its just...
at the end, i would still want to respect the person's choice. and of course at the same time, i have
the right of my own choices too.

i m worried that i might need to go back to hk next Mon. time flies. it feels like i m here for a really long time
already.. but also, time flies. this week is my 6th weeks, but it feels like i have been here with honey
for a really long time already, but of course yea we have been together for almost 3 years now..
but i mean... time flies... when i m so used to see him every day and night, even if we do nothing much,
its just happy and nice to be around him. i like to see the relaxing side of him, the happy smile on his
face, the confidence and charm on him, the intelligence he has, the sarcasm, the big baby side...
every little things about him. i just love him.

and.. i really want to ask him a question actually.. i have been wondering for a few days already...
how was it like when i wasnt here before? was he always alone or... he would hang out with others
a lot? then... what if i m gone? i kindda know what he would say... but... i dont know..

>>May 19, 2009 at 11:58:25 AM GMT+8

2009 年 5 月 12 日 星期二 【晴】

i got the reply from Cathay today. i guess if i would stay, i would get another ticket instead.
which it is also very difficult for me at the moment, unless the business would start going well soon this week.
i m worried, like... very worried.

i was crying, not coz... i really love staying in Canada for myself. of course i like Canada... the thing is.. what
makes me wanna stay is about Stephen. i dont really stay for myself or anyone but him. i still have 2 weeks only.
i m not saying i m dying in 2 weeks, but... things are going okay between us, i dont wanna leave. i dont wanna
leave him. when i think about a few months ago, around Jan and Feb... when i was still in Hong Kong... we got
into a big fight and we broke up... our 6th time.. and i wondered that was it, the end of us. i... wanted to let him
go. i love him so much and care about him so much, but at that time, there were so many questions i had, and
i had been wondering and waiting, i couldnt get any answers, then i wondered if that man was gonna be the
mr. right. after months and months, i was very tired to keep waiting, wanted to understand more, and at the same
time, trying and trying to be a better girlfriend, but didnt see any appreciation from him. James was nice enough,
but i wasnt in love with him of course. but he made me reconsider what i want in my life. i was very confused.

after all, Stephen called me. and there was no a single reason or.... a second of hesitation for me to... not to
think of him again and again. i know i still care about him so much, and i know i love him. i tried to pick up our
relationship again even though i didnt know for sure if i should or if anything good could ever happen to us again.
and i said i would come to Canada. there were still many struggles in myself everyday. many problems i was
facing too.. my life in HK is just different from here. anyway, i made it happen..

the first 2 weeks with his vacation was like.... roller coaster. i can easily see him being nicer to me but at the
same time i always pissing him off, and he was so tensed sometimes. since he's back to work, we have our
own personal time and space.. then... things started changing a bit. less tension between us, but... in a way...
i start to get confused with my own identity here. and somehow i was scared of him, but i knew i couldnt be.
and so.. i was just trying to adjust. and wondering the new business would start soon.

since the business starts... i start to see more as in... the trust we have for each others, the connection...
not only about business, but... very personal. everything starts being so real, like so real. not like before i had
to wonder and wonder what it would be like, how it would go. i dont have to worry anything, but i know he
is with me, and so everything would be fine. and i realize what security is, what stupid means, haha.. and
i see the very very inner side of him. his smile, his every single expressions, just makes me love him more..
untill the day... i suddenly realize that... i start to worry what if i wanna stay here longer for him... at first i
worried if i can survive in 6 weeks here and finding a job at the same time. now.. i am more worried if i can
stay longer just to be with him. it could be very stupid, coz... i dont see very high chances at all.. but i m still
trying and hopping. i wonder if i have enough money, i would be fine here, be happy. i dont need to be the
millionaire, i dont need to be super rich.. i just need enough money to help me get through my life and the
problemsi have been facing. that's very basic. tell me why wont i worry? and how not to worry.

last night, when we were sleeping... i wonder... how easy it is to... find someone else you can love and
trust so much, someone you can hold on to so naturally and dearly. its not easy. and i wonder if i had
given up few months ago, what i would have been doing in HK. and... if Stephen is the one, can things
be easier for us, please? we are not married. so... its still hard to say... but can you tell me... i have spent
almost years with this guy, on and off for 6 times, after so many troubles i have made to him and myself,
and i m still here for him, with him.. i have spent almost 3 years to wonder who this guy is, thinking about
how possible we could live a future together, stay happy together, maybe oneday to have our own
family or even kids. i have experienced so much weird things in my life with him, grow up so much with
him... how possible it is for me not to think about he might be the one.

>>May 14, 2009 at 12:52:33 AM GMT+8

2009 年 5 月 11 日 星期一 【晴】

hi. i m going to be... 23 on the same day next month.

i got a couple calls, but still no business coming. i m worried about that, and thinking what else i could do.

everyday, week days, i would get up ard 11 am, and washed up before honey would take the shower.
then i would change my clothes, make up, make brunch and tea or eat something... then i would hang
around, checking mails, facebook, then do some stretching while watching tv... if i would see him around,
i would say hi or good morning. thats the first thing i wanna do. then, then the second thing is... to say bye
to him when he's leaving to work. that becomes kind of the habit when i m home. then i would go out,
take a walk, or get some food, or whatever... but.. i wanna come home early, not too late. coz i wanna
be home before him. so that when he's coming home, he knows that i would be home for him.
i dont say things out so much when i m here, but then i guess he knows. not like when i was in Hong Kong..
everything i had to use text, words to communicate with him. and i hated it when he wasnt speaking so much.

i wonder what if i go back to Hong Kong... what its going to be like. i mean... i m so used to be with him already.
every weekdays, i would want to be home untill hes going to work, which is not normal for me. but i do it this
way anyway unless i got plans. then when i'm out, i have my own personal time. i enjoy my day alone, but i
know that at night i would see him home. and i would want to bring him some goodies sometimes. just coz
i know he would like it. and i m so used to be with him every weekend. even though we might not do something
exciting, i like to hang around him. i used to like spending so much time with my friends here, or visiting many
places but doing nothing. that used to be my habit, my interests. but now... hummm i still do, but... if i could
choose, i probably would just stick with the staying home plan like what i do now. i dont wanna suffocate,
dont want him to too, but i would love to spend time with him.. i dont know why.

things start to be realistic to me, not so ''romeo and juliet's story'' now. but when we are together, i still have
the feelings for him. i m not a brave persona as in... doing romantic things. i would write stuffs or do silly
things.. its my nature... but... in person, if you ask me to.... humm... i dont do it very often.. i might really want
to do it so much, but i would be shy to give the first move. i dont know.. but i do like cuddling, and that makes
me feel so safe and secure. i wonder sometimes i should give the first move although i m a girl. ahhhhh...
love could be a trouble when it starts to make you thinking and changing yourself... and its like... its so natural.

i called Cathay today to see if i can change my flight... they said they would check with the Hong Kong side
first, then get back to me later... i hope, i really hope that i could change my flight, and the business would
start growing fast soon.

>>May 13, 2009 at 3:23:27 AM GMT+8

2009 年 5 月 10 日 星期日 【晴】

hi.

on Sat, honey's day off... we took a walk, had lunch in a Japanese restaurant, and worked in the garden a bit.
not me working but i watched him working. it was kind of relaxing.. then at late night, we drove to Burger King
to have late dinner.. and visited his friend. i started to worry a little bit.. but... it was okay. what i mean by worry,
is... i dont know if i could stay or i have to go. the options are not mine. its up to the job market here.
i used to wonder if i m not happy here, i could probably go back to HK and have a shitty job that would still be
better than being here. but... in the past 1 week or 2 weeks... i started to think more.. like... what if i stay.
i was a bit lost and confused, thinking about my identity.. but then i really change my mind.. i really miss HK,
but i really want to stay. i m not staying for myself, i wanna stay here for him. sometimes in the past few days,
when i was alone, i would think omg, castor you really want to stay here. coz i notice myself have been trying
and trying to do so much for him and its like.... all unconditional and its like not like normally when i help ppl or care
about the ppl.. its more... in depth. and i was like omg. i m in love with him. i really do love him alot. thinking about
what i m doing here everyday. whatever i do, i think of him first before myself. i listen to him, i open up myself
to him and his suggestions. i m changing myself. i m freaking changing myself for him! i m not just talking, i am
freaking changing! but the thing is i am so worried that i cant stay!

yesterday, it was a Sunday... and Mother's Day. we went to a hotel. we got a room there. we had dinner downtown.
at Whitespot. i remember the first place we have met beside the airport and his house, it was the Whitespot that
we had our first dinner together. the first place he took me to. and then... we spent a night in the hotel.
i was worried, i was really worried. and i was there with him. and i feel kind of helpless. like... i dont wanna tell
him how worried i am, coz i m worried for him too, and even though he thinks i dont understand, it doesnt mean
i really dont understand at all. and i cant do much to help, which sucks. i really wish i could do something.
i was thinking the whole night when i was just sitting. i was thinking what i can do, what about this what about
that. but there are nothing i can do. and i m desperate! any kind of jobs, any. i just need one. i dont even know
if i can change my ticket. what am i supposed to do then? and after last night, i know that i have to stay here,
but i dont know how to! i know i dont owe him my life, but what if i want to be with him. when i see him pain,
it hurts me too. i care about him so much. i know we are not married, but it doesnt help me loving him less.

>>May 12, 2009 at 12:31:15 AM GMT+8

2009 年 5 月 7 日 星期四 【晴】

i didnt go to the conference today. coz... i m lack of money to do so.
i have lost my bus pass, which costed me... CAD $73. then coz i didnt bring my coat, i bought another one here which
costed me CAD $95. so... i have spent like $168 unnecessarily. i was planing to pay $145 for the conference, and
still i could have some money left, right? maybe buy a t-shirt or a tie for honey. but now.. i gotta watch my wallet.

hummmm i always think maybe i look very weird in Vancouver, and coz of my accent isnt very Canadian, so...
i would be weird here. and of course i m Chinese but not CBC, and so i would be more like a Honger to the local ppl
as well, which is very depressing.. coz i m not a total Honger. somehow i m from Hong Kong somewhere i am
proud of.. but here Honger is... something bad. no one would wanna be called Honger. so i dont know. i dont wanna
be a Honger, and i think i m not. but i m not a CBC, and i dont need to be one of them. i guess that would be more fair
to me as my own self. i dont need to force myself to be someone else, and i dont need to do anything purposely to
make myself becoming part of them. i think there would be assimilation and... certainly accommodation. so.. i just
want to take things slowly if i would stay here. i just dont wanna forget where i come from, and who i am.

i dont know exactly what i am looking for here. i had a life in HK. i used to come here for studying and also vacation.
but everytime i wanted to stay longer coz i liked the relaxing life style here, and i had lots of fun and learnt a lot.
so i keep coming back, and of course the biggest reason is coz of honey. if not, probably i wont come back that
often. once a year or twice a year is a bit in sane. but now i wanna stay longer..... is coz... of him.. and... i dont know
what i can do here, i really dont know.. and it could be a very stupid choice too. coz i dont know very well what his
plan is as well. so... castor... you stay, have a little adventure with him.. then?

>>May 9, 2009 at 3:30:44 AM GMT+8

2009 年 5 月 6 日 星期三 【晴】

humm i am still staying at his place.

lately i have been thinking a lot, especially with my bus ride.
i cant find my identity here, coz i dont have anything to do except resting, relaxing, and spending money.
i m a visitor, and probably thats it.

i start missing home more, thinking of hong kong. the life there i had a job, which is always pissing me off..
but at least i was paid. then i have a family, i can do anything freely at home. but sure there are not much
freedom for me actually. but then here... i got seeing honey 7 days a week. its good coz i wont miss him
too much. but then...... i m.... bored and... lost. like.... i cant do anything much here. i just found out so many
things i dont know about Vancouver. i used to be so naive and innocent about everything happening here.
i was like living in my own world when i was here before. or now i have more awareness, so i am nervous?
whatever it is.... i gotta ask myself who i am. coz... its strange and... its like i find it very insecure.
i used to be so confident and independent when i was in hong kong, although honey was not around.
now i am here but... i dont know.

it was nice to catch up with Joy, Kathy, auntie Lai, and the family. i have called Lisa, Cyn, Debbie, and Louisa
as well. but Vancouver is their live, not mine. they live here, i dont. thats the thing.

but when i think about what if i m leaving here, going back to hong kong... i m gonna be really sad again.
the thing is... what if i go back, would i come back again?
what should i expect? what should i do? get back to hong kong, end things here and start my life new? or
try to stay here no matter what?

>>May 8, 2009 at 4:21:05 AM GMT+8

2009 年 4 月 30 日 星期四 【晴】

i might need to leave his place..
i dont know whats going on.

>>May 2, 2009 at 9:09:13 AM GMT+8

2009 年 4 月 30 日 星期四 【晴】

hi.

i have done lots of tests on facebook today. hummm i am happy to know more about myself,
as in... just as the reflection. that was pretty funny. and i m happy the outcome was very
positive. haha. but... it does make me think if stephen finds the same thing in me.

i miss myself. my shinny self. when i was in hk, i used to think i needed stephen to by my side,
so i would feel more complete. when i m here, yes we are together, but... i m not confident.
coz... i m bored and i dont feel wanted as in... wanted by my bf. i m not attractive to him.
what can i do?

曾經攀上的天梯　曾經擁抱的身體
曾經在乎一切　被突然摧毀　霎那比沙更細
良夜美景沒原因出了軌　來讓我知一切皆可放低
還是百載未逢的美麗　得到過又促逝　也有一種智慧

全年度有幾多首歌　給天天的播　給你最愉快的消磨
流行是一首窩心的歌　突然間說過就過
誰曾是你這一首歌　你記不清楚　我看著你離座
真高興給你愛護過　根本你不欠我甚麼

曾經擁有的春季　曾經走過的谷底
人生是場輕梯　忽高也忽低　不輸氣勢

全年度有幾多首歌　給天天的播　給你最愉快的消磨
流行是一首窩心的歌　突然間說過就過
誰曾是你這一首歌　你記不清楚　我看著你離座
真高興給你愛護過　根本你不欠我甚麼

誰曾是你這一首歌　你記不清楚　我看著你離座
很高興因你燦爛過　高峰過總會有下坡

回憶裝滿的抽屜　時光機裡的光輝
人生豔如花卉　但限時美麗　一覽始終無遺
回望昨天劇場深不見底　還是有幾幕曾好好發揮
還願我懂下台的美麗　鞠躬了就退位　起碼得到敬禮

誰又妄想一曲一世　讓人忠心到底

sometimes i do have this feelings.

i talked with my friend today.. and he said maybe i should be direct to stephen before reaching
out my limit. like... just tell him i got the feelings that i m not wanted or something.
maybe i should. and there are so much i wanna share with him. but when i see him, i dont find
him wanting to talk with me at all. why the hell is that?

>>May 1, 2009 at 3:34:47 AM GMT+8

2009 年 4 月 29 日 星期三 【晴】

hi.

i got my first interview today.
hummmm i stayed for 15 mins then i could leave, coz... they were not gonna hire me. they did offer me a chance
to volunteer with them.. i m thinking of that. i took the bus back to Richmond. hummm the heels were killing me.
and my clothes just wont match with the ppl who live here. i still find myself very... strange on the street.
i know im a visitor. and i know i m weird walking on the street or in a shopping mall while everyone is at work or
at school.. i m.. from hong kong. sometimes i am worried about myself in future. coz i know i am independent now.
as in... i m counting on my own. my family wont support me except giving me a shelter, which is really great
i think, and its just the love and care in a family. i love my family too.. and i know there are not much i was giving
in except i would buy food sometimes. thats the only thing i knew how to do. i m counting on my own as in...
i dont have money if i dont work. i dont like taking money from dad. and... before grad, i was already like that.
i kept myself busy and working hard for every single things. then after grad, i just have no excuses or any
reasons to let myself slowing down. i quit my job at Elchards, and i came over to Vancouver to see Stephen,
and at the same time i wanna see ... where i belong to... where i should go... and what i should really do for myself.
not only for myself.. for our relationship as well.

i know... he s not ready to settle down with me.. and i think... right now, i would not be ready for him as well.
i m lack of confidence, i m insecured coz this is not my home. this is not my place. no one would take care of me,
or i could count on no one as much as i could when i was in hong kong. coz i m on my own. well, i m living at his
place, but... i m not familiar with... the situation we are in now. i try to fit into this house, i try to be part of it... but...
i just dont know. the person supposed to be the closest are closer with his friend. the person who has problems
in this house are very friendly and nice to me. his friend is fine but i dont see her that often, and they have their
own world and habits. so... who am i? i m slowly adjusting myself into different things at his place and his life.
what about me then? and what about myself in Vancouver?

of course i dont want him to think i m only using him to help me on my visa. of course i dont want him to take me
for granted as well. i m happy that he makes such claim and of course i dont want to think about... the bad thing
with the worst scenario.

we had a brief conversation this morning... he wanted me to be prepared that the company i was going to
have interview with would not really interview me but asking me to leave. he wanted me not to be disappointed.
i was ready for that. and i showed up, after 15 mins, i was leaving. it makes me think about what kind of life
i am going to have here. i m the kind of person who would think a lot and worry a lot, coz this is me.. if i am not
prepared, i would be even more nervous and fear. and these are the most terrible feelings i have in my life.
but i m glad that he was trying to help me.. all the things that he did for me, thought for me... these tells me that
he does care about me. he is not the sweetest prince charming, but he is realistic that someone could really
advice me. this sounds great, but you need to think about more as in... does this guy really wanna listen to you
and understands you? if i m not patient enough, i wouldnt be able to realize what he has done for me. he just
wont show or i just couldnt feel it. i m a very sensitive person. and i know that there would be always 11 years
gap between us. and i know that i m opening up myself for him, but he still thinks i m living in my bubble world.
sometimes it frustrates me coz i find so difficult to communicate with him. its not like my other friends or family.
he seems like having a family with his dogs and a friend of his in this house.. but what about me? i m just a
visitor who is his guest staying at his place. its hard enough to be his guest but... i dont know.. i know he is
frustrated with me sometimes too. i guess its normal in a relationship anyway.

i love him,. i really do.. and.... i really wanna thank him for everything he has done for me.
i hope he would understand that i do try hard for him but... its still me.
i keep asking myself i am ready to.... start living my life.. if i m ready to be a better girlfriend... if i wake up yet.

>>April 30, 2009 at 10:14:15 AM GMT+8