2009 年 3 月 16 日 星期一 【晴】

hello..

i was resting yesterday. i didnt even go out. i was home... got 11 hrs sleep the night before.. then.. had late lunch..
blue berries, some nuts... some mini sausage rolls... then i chatted on line with honey. hee. then after dinner, i just tidied up
my notes and books on my shelf... hummmmm i think i am gonna fix my resume really soon.. then i need to make my own
pro folio too. then... yea.... i also told honey about my little discovery at Mong Kok. hahaha. yeaaaa.. i wanna go back again,
maybe next week or later. yesterday i was playing with my make up also... watching lots of video on line as well.. wanna
improve my make up skills, and see have a refreshing look for myself in Spring. i usually draw upper eyeliner, and seldom
draw lower eyeliner. then i usually put on nude tone, coz it's more natural.. but it might look a bit mature at my age. but now..
i think i should make use of my different colors to make a peachy look or a spring refreshing look. still the same colors, the
nude colors, but with different techniques, plus some green and some blue.. and pink. depends. so yea.. i like it. and then...
i start to wonder using fake lashes.

then... last night... honey introduced me using safari. it's absolutely great, easy to use, and cool. i quite like it.
hummmmm today i got up... then.. got ready... put on make up then headed out for lunch with my mom.. we stayed at a
fast food restaurant.. hahaha i saw Fat Bong. he is still working there! he recognized me. he didnt say my name though..
he just said "lang nui" well pretty girl. hahaha.. then i was like oh! it's you! ha.. i dont know.. but he was so nice. he gave me
free meal. actually not free meal, but made my meal a double bigger. then after lunch, i just thank him then left.

we walked around, then mom left. i went back to the office to visit Shan.. then talked a bit with her... we would hang out
next Sunday. wanna introduce her the cafe at IFC. it's really nice there. then yea... told her about my dresses from Mong
Kok. she said she wanna have a look there too. haha. i told her the sales girls there are quite sexy, and their make up is
so professional. then i went to Parknshop.. i bought some blue berries and some grapes.. then i went to SaSa.. i was looking
for fake lashes. haha i bought 2 pairs. yay =) i walked home.. and talked a bit with Karen on phone. YES! KAREN!

haha.. next week i might visit her... we might cook and play with the make up. it would be fun i guess. i also told her i am
leaving in April. she was surprised. yes.. i didnt tell much ppl about it.. hummm... not much ppl know it actually. it's not that
i dont wanna tell ppl, just that i'm not ready to be questioned again and again. i guess i dont really wanna explain everything
to everyone. only my close friends should know. of course Karen is my close friend. but.. i wonder when to tell Cyn, Lisa,
Joy, Kiana, and Ade. Cap knew it already. i might just surprise them when i get there. haha maybe.

i miss my honey, i'm so happy that i am gonna see him again within a month! how exciting it is. well.. i didnt feel so excited
before, but now yea... i'm more excited about it.. and also it'll be a new page for us i guess, especially if i would find a job
there and stay there. everything would be so different. good different for us. and hopefully we would be able to cope with
the problems we once had. i still have faith in him and our future.

>>March 17, 2009 at 5:03:55 PM GMT+8

2009 年 3 月 14 日 星期六 【晴】

TIRED.

i got 8 hrs sleep... i got up late... then.... washed up... got ready to go out..
i went to Sha Tin with mom to pick up Miki and Leggy..
then we had lunch at Pizza Hut. terrible food and terrible services.
last night, Ella and i had Shakey Pizza, it was great. today... it was terrible.
i felt sick after that actually. i'm still feeling sick and now i have a headache.. dont know why..

we walked around Sha Tin for a bit... i went to different stores.. but i didnt get anything.. i cant do any
mroe shopping i guess... then i went to Mong Kok alone.. i was looking for a mini skit that i can wear
with Jeans or leggings maybe or just mini skit. i want a cheap one. but i didnt find any i like.. then..
i bought 2 dresses within $200 budget, they were surprisingly CHEAP. the quality isnt good for sure...
but... i dont know.. i havent tried them yet. cant try before buying. anyway.. there are so many slutty
sexy cclothes, and the sales girls are like very hot. it's crazy there. i like seeing them wearing their
clothes, and i wonder if i should get one of those. i did get a normal dress, which is more like Korean
style, but not exactly Korean, it's quite westernized. so it looks cool and cute. i like it. then the other
one is a bit sexy... hummm ;) haha. i wanted to get another one, that was the very sexy one. i thought i
have seen someone wearing that before. i dont have such huge boobs, so i dont think i should wear
that. humm too bad.

i stayed there for an hour or so.. then i headed back to Tai Po.. i was really tired and headache..
and the thing is.. the sales girls there are really slutty. and the guys there are like with their girl friends,
handeling their handbags, and being quiet.. and the girls are like bossy and bitchy.. i saw some girl
arguing with another girl, they dont know each others.. it's rude.. i dont like girls like that.. and i know
HK girls are being called as the Kong Girl. i really dont like being called like that. i'm not one of them..
but going to Mong Kok just broader my sight. it's Kong Girl everywhere. arhhh i dont like it..

okay... last night.... was okay.. and... i really wonder maybe it was me being too sensitive.. and i do
hope that's my problem more than Carole is really strange. i am still thinking about it today...

then i think of dad and mom.. coz i heard of Alessja last night.. i m a bit worried for dad now more than
for mom.. i dont know.. and then... i'm thinking about myself.. trying to look for a job now there..
i'm thinking of honey as well... wish him having a good time there. ha..

i'm so tired..

>>March 15, 2009 at 12:34:17 PM GMT+8

2009 年 3 月 13 日 星期五 【晴】

work is crazy.

today is soooo busy. i delayed my lunch time for an whole hour.
when i was back.. i saw honey on line, then i was going to say hi, then he went off line..
so.. yea.. i saw him on line today... and he was at work. humm it's okay. i understand.
i miss him though.

then at work... the tension was still there. but i couldnt be bothered..
i was busy.

tonight... we met up for dinner.. Ella, me, Shan, and Laurean...
hummmmmm... we talked about everything..
end up... Ella is telling me that... basically i was over reacting. like.. i'm really too sensitive. Carole didnt
report me at the back, but during discussions they found something "undone" and blah blah..
well.. it doesnt matter if i believe it or not actually.. i feel better now, but it doesnt mean i would trust
Carole. so anyway... i will see what happen at work. and Ella thinks maybe it'd better for me and Carole
to sit down and talk. for me it's like.. we should have done that. i have my words clear this time, i dont
like ppl do things behind me with or without intentions. this is my style like... if i have some problem with
you at work, i would rather talk with you before telling the boss. whether it's personal or work stuffs...
i do tend to do things like... clean and i dont know... ha.. anyway.. i told her my concern about her
business.. i am worried for her a bit. so.. yea.. and i do wish her well and good luck. since i'm leaving,
it doesnt really matter if i like Carole or not. work is work. after work, Ella and i are friends. but after
work, Carole and i... i dont know.. we might not be friends anyway.. or it would be just.. hi bye friends,
unless i could trust her again. but.. i dont know... i dont hate her, that's the thing.

tomorrow... i would have lunch with Miki and Leggy.
then.. yea... i wanna take a good rest.

i wish Alesja good luck, and i wish her dad well too... =(


i miss my honey...

>>March 14, 2009 at 6:56:33 PM GMT+8

2009 年 3 月 11 日 星期三 【晴】

hummmm..

i hope things would be fine. i should pray.

i was quite sad actually... then.. i headed out for lunch.. called Shan, humm told her about my parents
reaction.. talked with her for a bit, then... she was near ard where i was.. so we just had McDonalds
together. ha.. it's not that easy to meet her for lunch or dinner.. but yea we just had lunch together.
mom didnt call me this morning.. i was wondering and worried... then in late afternoon she called..
she said i didnt answer her calls before.. i was like really? i didnt get the calls. hummmm okay...
but i know... my parents love me so much, and they worry alot for me.. i feel kind of guilty about that.
coz.. i really dont want to make my family worried for me, i dont mean to upset anyone at all. so.. =(

then at work... i dont care.. i talked with Ella for a short while.. then.. arranged the dinner with her on
Sat night.. Shan agrees with that.. hum..

then next Mon, i m gonna go to the student loan department.. coz i need to ask them for info and advice.
i got another letter from them last night... its like i have to pay twice since April. i dont know.. i would
need to talk with them on Mon. but i just bought the ticket, and i am going out of town so... i dont know..
i dont know if i should let them know about i'm leaving town. they are gonna ask me why and blah blah.
and they might not approve my defferment application. so.. hummmm i'm worried actually.

i have started looking for a job in Van. i have signed up an account on line.. and searching jobs already.
now.. i need to fix my resume, then.. i think i should apply since the end of this month. so.. if anyone
contacts me for an interview, i would be able to do so.

i'm tired.. i'm stressed.. i cant really sleep well these days actually.. have been waking up all the time..
then.. yea... i would love to have a job there, so i could stay with honey.. but then i am gonna miss
home alot alot alot, and i would miss my family and friends here.. well, here is my hometown anyway..
so... HK does mean alot to me, seriously. but.. i'm going to... expand my life a little bit.. i need a new
page in my life.. and i have decided to give a try, especailly i m talking about to be there for honey.
so.............. i just need to... do what i should do. i am not happy at the certain point.. coz this is not
the most ideal way, right.. coz my family havent met Stephen yet.. so this is not so right. i m not talking
about getting marry and stuffs.. but... if its a serious relationship... somehow i would prefer it's getting
somewhere there than getting no where.

if you ask me if i am worried.. yes i am definitely worried.. but i dont want my parents to worry for me.
and.... i feel like i gotta be strong, and tough it up. i dont wanna be so negative, coz i didnt choose this
way to be negative. i am looking for hopes and searching for dreams. so... now i got the chance, i am
gonna go for it, and... i know honey would be there for me.

>>March 12, 2009 at 4:44:29 PM GMT+8

2009 年 3 月 10 日 星期二 【晴】

i got up then got prepared for work..
i packed brekafast... made coffee... then.. yea..

back to work.. busy.... working on the baby sign programe... preparing the profolio and stuffs..
then yea... doing some prep for the other things... lunch time had dim sum with my parents and then
i went to different places to buy paper cups and some colour paper for the office..

back to work... i was doing different stuffs at the same time.. also working on my own paper..
i am modifiying it.. coz i need to print out a few copies for the schools which have helped me finishing
getting data.. then yea... had been working on that... then...

Carole was sneaky and tricky... she asked me today like... So Castor you're going to Canada? i paused,
coz i was doing some work.. i said hummm yea... why? where did you hear that? then she said oh
Agnes told me that. then i said.. oh.. yeaaaa.. then she asked when? i said humm should be in April.
then she asked is the ticket cheap at that period? i said not too bad, i guess coz it's after Easter.

after she's gone back to the classroom.. i called Agnes... i asked her if she told Carole about my trip.
Agnes said no... but Carole did ask her... like... "So, Castor is going to Canada." then she said...
maybe.. i dont know. i was like what?! she asked you in that way? not as in a question but confirmation
like that? Agnes said she thought Carole knew it, she was confused too why Carole seemed to know
about it. it's so tricky.. then i told Agnes, well now.. you see what's been going on. its not like i'm lying
to you or i'm too sensitive.. it's something strange happening. i dont understand why she would do that.
Ella might be guessing if i am going to Canada or not, but i told Ella i wasnt sure yet, and i wanted to
keep it confidential. Ella asked me if Agnes knew it, i told her yea... but.. i still havent decided. then now
Carole knew it. i dont think it's a huge issue about Carole would ask me about this, ONLY IF Ella has
already told her. but then Carole said AGNES TOLD HER, she didnt mention Ella. so... it's strange.

i have been trying to keep it silent, coz i have been waiting for a chance to speak with Ella, like sitting
down with her and with Agnes as well. coz i need to prepare myself before that. Agnes needs to
know about everything coz she's my best friend and she's at the same position as i am. i dont talk with
Carole about myself anymore, coz i know how sneaky she is, so i avoid every sesitive things at work.
i am VERY careful at work these days. if there are anything she challenged me at work, i put it on the
public, as in i would write down everything on the log book, and i would report to both Agnes and
Ella whatever happened at the office. she asked me to do something, if it's within my responisblity,
i do it, and being careful with that. if it's not, and she wanna ask about info at work, i just said yea or
no or okay with a smile, just being polite, that's it. but the thing is .. Ella trusted her too much that told her
everything, even if something i said it's confidential, she would tell Carole. i think it's MUCH MORE than
obvious now. so........... i dont know.. Ella called me, i reported things at work to her... then... i tried to
make an appointment with her and Agnes. i told Ella that we wanna have dinner with her. she asked
me why, i said just that Agnes and i both have something wanna tell you. she said is it about i'm going
to Canada. i said i should be going in April. she asked if i am staying there forever or coming back..
i said i am not sure yet. it depends on the situation. then she said okay. i said no, Agnes has something
wanna speak to you too. she asked me if she wanted to find another job or she quits? i said i am not
so sure about that, it's better if she could speak with her directly. Ella said it sounds pretty serious.
i said hummm no.. it depends on what you think, really. then she said ok. then she was rushing to hang
up. i called Agnes right after, i told her exactly the situation. and Ella just called her while i was talking
with her. then Ella asked her what happened, if she knew i was going to Canada, if she's quiting and
stuffs. i dont understand why Agnes told her so much... but anyway, Ella knew why we wanted to
sit down with her i guess.. she was nervous to find out why we wanted to sit down with her.
to be fair, i dont think i have to be 100% honest with her at this stage about why i wanna sit down
with her, coz i need to keep all the things in private and confidential before she got the chance to
speak with Carole. Carole knows exactly what to do and say to anyone at work. i dont know if i should
say she is trying to mainipulate ppl here, but i find her quite strange and.... could be dangerous.
anyway, i feel like i need to talk with Ella soon.. she has every right to know what's going on and
choose who to believe... she should know the situation. but she isnt protecting herself enough by
telling Carole everything we said to her at this stage. she puts herself at risk. to be honest, i dont feel
right about what Carole did to me and all the weird stuffs happening at work these days. and i talk
with her not for my jealousy at work. i just hate ppl using mainipulation at work to get what they want.
if it's competition or any challenges, i'm happy with that, as long as it's at the bright side not the dark
side. just like today.. Carole was mad, coz two students might not show up tonight. she asked me if
i could call those two to see if they are coming. i said yes, i would call them. then after awhile, i called
and i told her one student wont come, but the other one should be coming. she was angry at yelled at
me that "DONT tell me should be calling, HAVE YOU CALLED?" i was just finishing my sentence, and
she yelled at me. i interuped strongly, said YUP. HER FATHER told me that she should be coming. then
Carole said her father, i said YUP, coz no one picked up the call at home, so i called her father. then
she said ok, if both of them dont come, then would only have one student in that class. i said that's fine.
she said that's fine for her too but only worry about the student would mind being alone in the class.
Miki came to the class, and that student showed up. everything was fine.

i lost the picture i draw from the keychain, someone stole it. its so weird. who would spend this kind of
time to take away the key, open that key chain, and take that drawing, and put the key back into the
keychain? a kid who admires my drawing? hummm..

anyway... i did some shopping with Miki after work... bought some breand and food.. then went home..
when i got home, i told mom about the trip.. and she started asking lots of questions.. i was trying to
explain to her.. she said dad would be very upset again. then .. after dinner.. she told daddy.. and..
yea, dad was pretty upset, really upset. i am pretty upset too. i try not to cry this time. coz... i know
what i'm doing now wont be agreed with most of the ppl.. and ppl would think i am so stupid and silly,
and really really naive. but... i do have my reasons and believe that i should go this time or i would
regret in future. so i have to go. but i know ppl wont believe me. i'm afraid too, but... if it's what i should
do then i have to do it for myself ='( i dont know what would happen exactly, but the process does
matter to both of us. it would mean alot, and we do need this chance.

i'm sad coz... i dont mean and dont want ppl to worry for me or get upset coz of me.
but they are my parents and family, what can i do?

i talked with honey for awhile today... humm..

>>March 11, 2009 at 6:46:53 PM GMT+8

2009 年 3 月 8 日 星期日 【晴】

i just came home ard 1 am...

i got up really late.. like..... 1 sth pm..

i went to Central yesterday, met up with auntie Priscilla. i gave her money.. and we had a coffee at
a cafe in IFC, Central. it was pretty cool. i like their coffee.. it was better than Starbucks actually. it
was called Simple Life, the cafe i mean.. you can have so fresh and yummy sandwiches and different
bervages, and also wine. it's a nice andrelaxing place. and it wasnt that expensive. it's a bit pricy if
you compare the sandwiches with Delifrance or SuperSandwiches.. but it's still not as expensive as
WhiteSpot here in HK. so it was good actually. and it was absolutely relaxing.. not as crowd.. and the
ppl there are more like.. educated and not talking loud and stuffs. so yea it was cool.. relaxing and
chatting.. we also went to CitySuper... it felt like being in Safeway. really. then,... i came home after the
coffee and CitySuper.. not every CitySuper made me feeling like being in Safeway, but the one in IFC
did make me happy.

anyway.. back home resting.. nothing much... i came on line.. saw hoeny on line... i came on line coz
of him actually.. coz i wanna see if he's still up.. i do wanna try to be there for him as much as i can,
especially i;m in HK now. so... yea.. just didnt wanna leave him alone there.. but then he didnt reply..
then i saw him off liine .. i was a bit angry.. coz it's kind of rude. so i wrote him an offline mesg..
then.......... today... i knew it wasnt his problem. i just didnt know he was alseep already and his lap
top ran out of battery.. i didnt think that much.. so.. yea.. he said i was a bitch to him. blah blah...
i do apologize.. hummmmmmmmm i know its kind of... strong... i mean... what i wrote him. it's more like
confrontation and blaming him at the same time. so.. yea... i do apologize...

then.. i gotta go.. Miki needs to go on line.. then... i rested... and i just went out have dinner with Shan..
we had Jap... that place is quite nice actually. it wasnt too expensive.. it was quite nice actually. but
i like Gru more.. the one on Robson street, down town in Van.. anyway.. we talked alot... just catch up
like.. what happened the last week.. blah blah... planing about quiting.. talking about family and guys..
hahahahha.. girls talk.. then.. we decided to have a drink.. yea... and we finally went to after5.
it was kindda funny.. coz the last time i was there was like 5 years ago for my 18th bday. so yea..
it was quite funny... some guy offered us drink.. and stuffs... and surprisingly i didnt have alegeries
yet.. i had some Bailey's drink. it was sweet but a bit milky.. i drunk pretty slowly.. and i was still fine..
then some guy offered us another Bailey's with strawberries drink.. i took a few sip only.. i didnt dare
to drink much or something offered by strangers anyway.. and we walked home. it was pretty cool
tonight =)

and... i hope honey would be fine.. and just forgive me.. sometimes... i dont mean to act like a bitch..
if i knew his situation, of course i wouldnt have said something like that right... humm..

>>March 9, 2009 at 6:43:28 PM GMT+8

2009 年 3 月 6 日 星期五 【晴】

yay.. mom's back.
but still waiting for the report.

i got up very late.. i got up and my back hurts again.. then.. i just... stayed in bed... trying every position.
then.. till i felt better then i got up and rushed to work.. it still.. pain.. then yea i was like 35 mins late.
anyway... sigh.. today... work was VERY busy. i didnt even have time and energy to talk with honey.
i sae him on line.. and he was at work i think. today was busy.. whole day.. lots of parents asking for
different things.. lots of phone calls in.. and lots of enquries... then.. i got a complain from parents about
Carole. yea.. about Carole. so i was thinking how i should deal with that.

i eventually sorts of talked to Ella. it wasnt done then she left. i guess now she had the idea what i
meant before. i told her like.... the way Agnes and i worked, and we have never changed. and Carole
was fine with us, even when Ella wasnt here. and whenever Carole needed anything, Agnes and i
would just helped or tried to provide what she needed. so whenever she needed something, we
would do for her imediately usually. and she has been normal and fine with me. so.. i was a bit unsure
why all of the sudden i got complaint from her this way. if i had some problems working with Agnes,
i would talk with Agnes first, i wouldnt run to you, especially when i found no authority telling her what
to do. so if Carole had the same feelings, i dont understand why she didnt talk to me but had to run to
you. i was thinking if i had done something very seriously wrong or anything. today i got a complain
from the parents about her. so should i tell you directly or talk with Carole directly. i dont wanna make
it sounds like now i'm reporting to you about her, coz it's not supposed to be. but she did that to me.
we sorts of talking on that.. then soem parent came in asking for information.. then Ella left.

it was.... very tiring... and i didnt go camping after work. i was too tired to go, really.
i went home... sooo tired... then... i just didnt wanna go out again.

i miss my honey.
i just wanna ..... stay in bed. snuggling. make him happy. make it soft, gentel, firm, and... hot.


Ciara "Love Sex Magic (Feat. Justin Timberlake)"

hot.

Broken String- James Morrison Ft. Nelly Furtado

tochy feely.. yea..

You Make It Real For Me- James Morrison

making it real does matter.. and i remember... i used to love this song so much as well.
coz i did think he makes feelings so real to me, make everythings so real. happiness, doubts, sadness,
all the intense feelings are real, everything is real. i've been missing him lately. he makes it real to me.
i like every lines in the songs. every lines.

Thinking of You- Katy PErry

thinking of... him.

Dead and Gone- T.i. Ft. Justin Timberlake


>>March 7, 2009 at 6:30:31 PM GMT+8

2009 年 3 月 6 日 星期五 【晴】

when mom's not around.. it's a bit weird.

i got up late today... dad sent mom to the hospital.. then i went there by myself afterward.
mom was okay there.. then i had lunch with dad at the canteen.. dad stayed for a short while then
he left. i stayed there with mom till 6 sth pm... we talked.. watched tv... she took a shower, they
took blood sample from mom three times.. they took her to have different check ups.. and she would
have 2 more tomorrow.. if everything's fine, she's coming home tomorrow...

i might cancel the camping. coz.. if mom's coming home.. i would rather be home i guess. Shan might
not go anyway. she's still very sick. so.. i might not go.. Mable and Dida would be fine i guess..
if they wanna talk with me, we can talk anytime soon again. then on Sun or Mon i need to meet up
with auntie Priscilla. i need to pay for the ticket.

i came home by bus... then i really went to Esprit to check out the Spring stuffs. i eventually bought a
sweater i really like for long. ha... just 1 piece though. i gave up the tank top i really like. but that's fine.
i would rather keep the credits for the later use anyway.

tomorrow i would need to work.. hummmmm yea...
but after that, i would have 3 days off. hopefully no dramas. too much to handel.

i came on line this morning.. saw honey on line.. talked with him a bit. i hope he's doing fine today.
well he's a big boy, haha.. so i guess he should be fine =)

i saw Cap on line just now.. catch up with her a bit.. she's so busy. i told her about my trip.. she's nice.
she knows me very well i guess. haha. anyway.. i would love to see her soon again, but... i dont know
if she's gonna get her internship in US or in Van. so.. i dont know. and i would love to see Cyn and
Louisa again.. and of course Lisa and Joy. i think i have given them lots of troubles last time. ha.. i know
they want me to be happy, they care about me so they helped me alot when i was in need. i always
miss them... when i would be there again, i would really love to visit them all. of course including Kiana.
i havent heard from her for really long.. and i just got Alesja's e-mail. i'm glad that she's doing fine.

i dont know... life is just... full of surprises, pretty dramatic... not like i want them or not.. it just happens.
what i want is just... to live my life happily... with love and with joy.. not only for myself.. but the ppl
around me. there are so much i wanna do in my life.. right or wrong.. good and bad.. i wanna try
different things... of course excluding crimes and stuffs. but what i mean is.. to experience different
things while i'm alive.. i wanna do my best for everything i could. then of course including to settle
down. develope my career, and having a family for sure.

>>March 6, 2009 at 5:11:52 PM GMT+8

2009 年 3 月 4 日 星期三 【晴】

i do have a bad day.. but... i try to laugh it off.

i got up late but i wasnt late at work. i skipped my breakfast time actually.. and trying not to drink
coffee. i made tea, strong tea actually. ha.. then back to work.. with some apply biscuts. then yea..
i was working on my transcript thing actually. marking down time and stuffs to do on my schedule.
then worked.. hummm it was okay.. i had lunch with my parents. mom is going to the hospital tmr.
so.. yea.. we had dim sum this afternoon. it was okay. my back is still very sore but not as painful.

i picked up the photo coppies, and picked up the poster stand... it was quite heavy. then i bought a few
files at the book store.. then back to work... no actually.. mom wanted to buy that shoses.. so i went
there with her too.. i paid a hundred... sponsor or contribute, whatever she wants to call it. i just want
her to feel happy. i dont have much moeny this month actually.. i need to transfer the money for the
ticket.. then save the rest for the currency.. but i still need to get through this month. i wonder if i would
be able to get a sweater and a top i really like from Esprit. i have been wanting to buy them since last
month but i havent yet. and i just got their mail last night. they mailed me the new caterlog with a $200
voucher. what a good deal. so........ should i go get them? i'll think about that.

anyway, i picked up stuffs, and bought those files.. back to work... Carole was just after me. well...
i dont mind if she knew i was late i guess. it doesnt make any differences i guess. if she wants, she
can report whatever she would like.

this morning.. i read the log book as usual. Ella left a few pieces of comments. and... this is just way
too obvious that's from... Carole instead of Ella actually. coz Carole told me yesterday that drawer was
so messy, she couldnt find the student's envelope, and so she wrote a new one. i said to her yea,
it's a bit messy, thank you anyway. coz the thing is.. WHATEVER. she doesnt have to do that if she
doesnt want to, it's not her job at all. giving envelopes and stamping handbook is my job. those students
come when i wasnt there, and if she wants to do those record that's fine. she can do it whatever way
she likes. i dont care. that area isnt her area at all. why she buggs at me about that?
it's VERY NORMAL if she cant find some students envelopes at the right place, not coz we are messy.
coz they never returned when they paid. Ella wrote it: "some students have more than 1 or multiple
envelopes, it's so messy, please tidy up. some students dont even come anymore. " RIGHT.
i wrote... some students have more than 1 envelopes, those are the ones who paid but didnt bring the
envelopes back, or they brought back a few of them at once after paid, or most likely they have more
than one courses and we gave them different ones at different time. and then i checked... for those
what CAROLE or Ella saw, those "mess", wasnt that messy at all. the repeated ones there were all
under the 3 catergories i listed. i just dont get it why Ella listens to Carole and wrote such things on
the book. i knew Carole read that book. so this time i use the red pen to reply, black and white on the
book. so that she would read and shut the hell up. Ella wrote me to call some student coz she didnt
show up. i wrote: i saw her hanging out with a guy yestersay afternoon, right in front of the center.
Ella wrote what happened to Natilie? call her! then i wrote: yesterday, i called but her mom didnt picked
up, i left her voice mesg already, she hasnt got back to me yet. then this afternoon, i got her call, and
i just wrote down the whole converstion we had on the book, again, red pen, black and white on the
book. i just want Carole to shut up. i fucking hate ppl doing this behind me. this is the second time.

she was at the front today, i was doing my work before Ella's back. i didnt talk to her at all. didnt even
bother to asked "how are you?" i dont even care how she's doing. she asked me stuffs, i just replied
in the simpliest way and didnt tell her anything i'm thinking at all. i just avoid any real content with her.
she asked what's this, what's that. i told her it's advertisement for the new baby sign course. then i
stopped talking.

she was using Ella's room before Ella's back that day. she asked me who moved the tables and the
shelfs. i said not me. i dont know. she said Ella didnt know too, should be Ella's mom. i said oh really.
she started to complain like.. it looks strange, the students find it so boring like a real school. " the
students?" i said.. ohh okay.. i dont know. it wasnt my idea. then i was ready to leave the room. she
asked if i can help her moving them back to the original place. i kindda paused and looked at her..
i said.. i dont know.. well.. i dont know.. coz it's not my idea. you better talk with Ella about that i guess.
then she said yea i would talk with Ella, it might be better to wait till she comes back. she siad she;d
never moved stuffs here before, she didnt want to move. Ella asked if she did it actually. i said i dont
know. then i left. i wouldnt do this kind of favor anymore. and i do hate fake ppl. and i dont want to be
involved in such office political game. it's so ugly, and it's not my style at all. afterall, it's not her room
anyway, it's Ella's room. if she wants to do somethign in her room, fine. i didnt say anythign at all, coz
i do respect ppl's working space. she doesnt respect mine enough i know. and i dont care what she
wants to do with Ella's. just stay away from me.

i'm just thinking... it's not a decent job t all, and i'm making a really small income here. i could have been
opening another center with my friends before, but i didnt do that. i have really thought about that but
i didnt want to betray on Ella, that's a really major reason why i didnt do that. and now i find things are
depressing here, somehow i find it a bit offensive and insulting. it's not about if i can take critisium
anymore. it's about... it's really complicated, but my boss doesnt seem to understand or doesnt seem
to realize what is going on here. i have been really loyal to this company and to my boss. i wonder if
she understands at all. if she does, then... why? is there something i am not doing good enough so
that she cant see what i'm doing? if she doesnt understand, and she wants to know, then why didnt
she ask but doubt? especially just coz of 1 piece of sentence that a teacher said. not even someone
doing the administration work at all? i'm quite upset actually, then does she care about that now?

i would never trust Carole ever again. i saw her reading what i wrote to the parents. it was a small
note i need to remind the parent about the schedule. why would she need to read that by the way?
if she wants to know, she can ask. why she peeps while i was talking to the parents? it's so.... weird.

i think i would need a talk with Ella.. about all the rediculous things happening at the office. not like i am
gonna complain. i just need to tell her how i feel and what has been really going on at the office, how
Agnes and i been working things out. if she wants to know, she can just ask. and now i dont even
need her to ask, i would tell her everything, anything she wants to know. i dont mean to keep these as
the biggest secret in the world. if she wants to know anything, i'm happier than ever to tell her. just
want to satisfy her i guess. i am done with any games or whatever. it's crazy. and i cant stand how
stupid i find working here now. if they dont like me or the way i am at work, if they dont appreciate
what i have done for her damn company, i'm really happy to leave. i think i do deserve a chance to
have a much better job, higher pay, and better oppotunities out there. i dont wanna stay at her center
workign so hard but being a fool put in the games.

i dont care what Carole has to say about me.. i'm talking on phone sometimes.. mom called, Mable
called, Agnes called. as long as things are fine there, i've completed my job. i dont mind if Carole has
to complain about me being late to work in lunch time. if she complains, she can go do some office
work during her lunch time, then i would be back to work on time. if she complains about me working
on the computer and internet so that she cant use it, fine. cut out all of them, i bet Ella wouldnt do that.
if she has more to complain, fine. go ahead. i'm leaving anyway, and stupid Ella has to face everything
on her own or with someone else not my business anymore. by that time, i dont give a shit.

i dont know what Carole wants. i think Ella would know one day.


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i mentioned some of these to honey.. but not everything.. i think he might have listened enough about
my stupid story lines at work. he gave me some suggestions before.. i do listen to him.. but i havent
talked with Carole yet. i dont know.. i think it would be better to talk with Ella directly... but it's also
good if i talk to Carole directly. i wanna see what Agnes have to say too. so.. i'm gonna wait till next
week. i'm not gonna be silent this time. but i just wanna be prepared.

it's March 5 today... within... 5 or 6 weeks, i would be in Canada again. i would be able to see my
honey. i'm sorts of looking forward to seeing him now.. not very very excited yet.. but... yea... who
knows. he's my love.. if i cant see the romance and sparks between us... how can we survive?
but.. it's been 2 years and a half already.... i'm still... there... when i think of seeing him, and thinking of
his every small habits, his smile, his laugh, i still smile. and i wonder if i am different to him now.

no matter what... i'm quite confident that i am not that bad. no matter he sees it or not, i'm quite sure i'm
a beautiful person. if he cant see it, too bad. haha. if he sees it, good for him. haha. no.. i mean... i want
him to be happy and completed if he's with me. and i can only do it this way with... showing him
everything about me, being the best of me. coz.. i cant fake or pretend anything in front of him. i feel
so naked. it's... true.

i would be.. me. if he likes me, he would be happy to be with me. if he doesnt like me, i guess i would
be happy to let go and move on. i love him that's for sure. i dont know... i guess... he does love me, but
before he wasnt sure about something. so he pulled back sometimes.. i hope he has or would figure
out, coz.. i do want him to be happy and completed. it's for him, not myself.. and i cant pretend i dont
love him, or i dont care about him. i cant pretend, or fake something unreal. so... he's gonna see... the
naked me.. i mean... the beautiful me in the deeper and depper. i gotta be confident enough to do that...
only for the one i really love. but if he's not gonna appreciate that then... it would be a pity. just like..
some blossomes within a very short period of time... it's so beautiful and so rare,.. if you miss it, you
just miss it.

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tomorrow.. i am going to the hospital with mom.. i hope she would be fine...
and i hope honey would be fine too.

>>March 5, 2009 at 6:44:49 PM GMT+8

2009 年 3 月 3 日 星期二 【晴】

i just made toast for lunch just now.. laid down a bit just now...
i'm going back to work later.. soon..

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i'm at the office now..
i went to bed ard 2pm i guess? then.. i fell asleep ard 3 sth.. my lower back was very sore and pain.
i couldnt sleep.. i woke up ard 5.. then slept again.. pain.. then.. got up late this morning.. late to work
as well. i still find it pain.. i got nightmare too. i am in a very good mood i guess. but anyway.. i have
thought about not to come working this morning.. but i dont know if i should take a day off. coz Ella
would ask me to call Shan to come.. but i'm not so sure if she wants to, coz she is taking care of her
mom. then.. sigh... i just came back to work. i'm so lazy.. and my back is pain. i dont wanna do anything.
it's like.. if i'm walking, i'm still ok. if i sit, it's pain, if i stand, it's pain. if i lay down.. it's kind of painful untill
my whole body is relaxed, like asleep. then it's okay. like.. when i woke up i was still in bed.. i found
my whole body was supported, then it was comfortable. but when i got up again, no.. it starts aching
again. i dont know what happened to my body. i'm not that old actually.. mom said it's coz i have been
drinking too much coffee and tea, and coz i dont drink milk or eat cheese, i got absorbing too less
calcium. hummm but i do drink soya milk with my coffee from Starbucks once or twice a week.. and i
do eat fruits and nuts quite alot.. i eat fish too... so.. i dont know.

i asked my doctor before if i need to take vitamin or calcium pills, he told me not to do that if it's not
necessary. if i have the balance and good diet, then i would be fine. it's better to absob nutrition in the
natural way. he asks me to exercise more often, explose to the sun more, take enough rest, then i
would be fine. he told me like coz i'm not western heredity, i'm asian. like... think about that in the
evolutionary perspective, asian didnt need lots of daily product, some of us like myself have problems
digesting them, so we dont really "need" those food to gain enough calcium. we ate vegetables, or
carbohydrate, meat to gain the nutrition we need.

anyway... the big C is back. so... i should stop. i'm thinking if i should go home instead.

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>>March 4, 2009 at 6:37:46 AM GMT+8