2010 年 9 月 8 日 星期三 【晴】

hi...

yesterday, i went to the office to sign the contract and get some paper work done.
took a body check then tried the uniform. i was very tired. then, i met up with Ivy to have
lunch together... late lunch. then we hung around Sha Tin for a short while, then went to her
place. playing with the kitty cats and her dog Bobby.

i went home being all tired..

Henry all of the sudden kept calling and messaging me.
telling me a bunch of b s again. i dont really like to entertain his b s.
he said he meant that... yea right. why should i trsut him?

since i m back, my guy friends are all excited to see me and things like that.
when i was here, i dont usually have so much attention from them.
i always met up with my gril friends, not my guy friends..
then i left and now i m back and then they started asking if i m single and wanted to see me.
its just weird.

i miss him, i miss the time we could just look at each others, look into his eyes and
i could feel his love.

i would get my haircut tomorrow... finally.
i have been budgeting all my expenses... mom bought me a dress, and a pair of raining shoes,
my parents are paying for my meals now... then today they paid for my work shoes.
within my probation, i have to wear my own shoes, but they have the high standard for
the style and materials. so i could only buy a new pair of black ugly shoes. but its for better
health they said.

then.... i m very tired going out everyday. i love hanging out with my family and friends..
but i m very tired going out. anyway...

i look at myself and wonder all the changes lately... i m no longer the little Castor.
i miss him though... miss him so much, day and night... when will i see him again?
i really really do miss him so much. i wish i could have magic or something...
i wish this is just a short vacation, maybe next week i would be back to him.
when he sees me next time, i would be a better girl. i would be more like... me myself.
i would be happier coz i know who i am, and i have learned to appreciate what i have
and what i could have instead of questioning too much. but then if he doesnt love me,
i think i could totally understand and i wont blame him. i do love him, and i just want to
be with him. i m serious.

later, i would have a lesson with an adult. i dont want to deal with b s from that angency,
but... i do want extra income. so.... i dont know... i would hang in there... i would
remember everything i have now doesnt come easily. i would remember while i m home
now being taken care of, staying with my family, have full meals.. my love is still there
worrying about stuffs and figuring things on his own which i feel soooo terrible about.
he is like.... he is already like part of myself. i dont want to leave him on his own.
i seriously dont... if i wasnt his baggage there, i wouldnt want to leave.

>>September 9, 2010 at 9:30:58 AM GMT+8

2010 年 9 月 6 日 星期一 【晴】

since i m home, i have seen more clearly about the changes in myself,
as in... i did grow up a lot when i was away from home.

and then... one thing for sure that.... there must be something, some kind of
bonding that is indescribable, cant be explain between me and him.
and that really really makes me really really really miss him. its like... day and night.
wherever i am, whenever it is. i might not be crying day and night anymore,
but it always feels like there is a part of me is missing. i know... and the weird part
is... if i want to escape from my true feeling, i should just run away, but i cant.
and its weird that i do believe i would see him soon again. i dont know when,
i dont know how, but i know i would make the effort to see him again.
i do really want him to come visit me, come see my family and friends, so he would
know who i am, so he can get the every pieces of me, my life, and my stories..
i dont know when it would happen, but... i want him. i do. unless he tells me he doesnt
want me, otherwise.... i cant move, i dont want to move. i might have so many
reasons why i should give up but i cant. because i cant. and i dont know when
he would come telling me he is ready. i dont know when, dont know if i would be
able to wait till he is ready. but as long as i could, i would wait for him.
i always want to be a great wife and a great mom... i wont let him down. i wont.
as i promised myself before i came back, i would not let him down. i would not.

these days since i m home, i have been busy.... not too busy yet but i started getting
busier and a bit tired... before the 15th, i still have time to visit grandpa and friends..
but after the 15th, i would be so deadly busy. i want more students still if i could handle
more in future. i have 2 now, but later i would be on shift, so... i m not sure how many
more students i could take. i need more income, i need to save enough money. i need to.

anyway... i should go to bed.

thanks for my lovely family and friends being here for me all the time,
and they actually like honey and want to meet him... of course they dont know much
about us, and they really want to see us...

before i m getting sick, i should go to bed and get more rest..

brb... will write more.

>>September 7, 2010 at 5:16:05 PM GMT+8

2010 年 9 月 4 日 星期六 【晴】



>>September 5, 2010 at 3:53:51 PM GMT+8

2010 年 9 月 2 日 星期四 【晴】



>>September 3, 2010 at 4:49:47 AM GMT+8

2010 年 8 月 31 日 星期二 【晴】

i m home...

it was a very difficult moment.

so... within the ticket confirmed and leaving, it was only less than a week.
it was difficult... because i had to leave him.

i still have bruises and scars on my arms and legs. hummm...
it feels like it just happened not long ago.
i miss him so much. everyday. i just think of him every day and night.
it sucks.. and it really isnt that exciting or happy coming home.
its like theres a part of myself is missing.

i thought he wouldnt spend time with me on the last day..
but then... yea.. we did in the end. and.... the night before... it was very hard actually.
i looked at him, i tried to pretend to be nothing but then i was bursting into tears,
then i just couldnt hold it anymore, i just went upstairs... then came back to his room,
he looked at me then he went upstairs as well. its just so hard for me.
i didnt want to cry infront of him..

then the last day, i met up with Cyn after saying bye to him. he was heading out.
hummm i came home then took a shower and kept packing. it was not good.
i had cereal for dinner.

i remember that night when he told me he was not going to give me a ride and not going
to spend time with me on my last day, i was really really upset and shocked.
it was just way too disappionted. i was speechless. then i knew he wasnt happy
about my reaction. but i just couldnt deal with that. so i just walked away.

the next day, i felt very bad but.... i honestly couldnt bare the sadness by myself about
leaving. i just thought about him all night, i couldnt sleep. then i wanted to.... let him
understand i was just really disappointed but i should take care of his feelings as well.
so.... even though its too hard for me, still i should respect him. if that would make it
easier for him then... okay...

anyway... the last day... in the car.... we both tried to make it light, pretend to be okay.
before leaving the house, it was sweet and gentle. i saw him sad when he saw me saying
bye to Mami. at the airport, we hugged and kissed. i started crying. i apologized to him
that i couldnt help him. he said its no big deal. theres always some way. we talked for
a little while, i just didnt want to let go, i didnt want to let go, i couldnt let go. he was about
to start crying. then he said he had to go he didnt want to start breaking down himself.
i.... can still feel his kisses on my lips and his body, and... his heart beat.

i remember when i massage him at night, he is like a baby. his skin is soft, hair is soft.
his eyes were close and sometimes after i kissed him he would smile.
i miss him so much, sooooo much.

he told me to say hi to my family.. he said its just another hop, not to worry too much.
it would be fine. next time when i see him it wont be a long flight anymore. we would still
talk on line.

i miss him so much..
he hasnt really talked with me yet.
i guess i can feel his pain and his feelings.
i really really really want to be with him. i do.
i kind of.... think... that... i would want to be with him in my rest of my life.
i know sometimes he makes me really mad and he is such the pain in the ass sometimes,
but... its just.... he is part of myself. being apart is like part of myself is missing.
i want to be with him, next to him. i dont want to leave him.

brb...

need to do some stuffs..

>>September 1, 2010 at 11:50:32 AM GMT+8

2010 年 8 月 22 日 星期日 【晴】

i m really leaving very soon.

have been around him for awhile already...
now all of the sudden i m going home, i dont feel that happy as i thought i might would be.

good part is, i would be financially independent again... i can be with my family and friends.
i might have the jobs i like, i could do so much more than here...
the bad part is.... i would miss him as much as if i m missing a part of myself.
its gonna be so hard for me again.

it feels like we havent really made use of the time we have together..
then now i m going home. the next time i see him... i dont know when but hopefully soon.
he needs to get his things done, he needs to get organized. he would have to.
i would like to help him but i couldnt... and although i couldnt, he still.... tries to keep me here
as long as he could. but now, i really have to go home, we cant afford that any longer.

i dont know what i m going to do... he doesnt know exactly neither..
what about us? does that mean we are giving up now or.... what?

i might miss lots of stuffs in vancouver... but.... these are not important compared with him.
he is the only person only thing that i have never been able to let go of.

the stress is really high... but even when i wanted to go home, the main reason is still coz of
him. coz i want to help him so i rather go home.

>>August 24, 2010 at 9:53:37 AM GMT+8

2010 年 8 月 21 日 星期六 【晴】

Aug 22,

my days here are limited, the count down has started.
i m... scared.. as in... dont know what is gonna happen.
i dont hate home, i love my family and friends. when i was so upset here, i missed home and HK so much...
now, i m gonna go back, to the place when i am from.. everything is gonna restart again.
yes, again. everytime when i return home from here, its like a new start again..

i dont know what would happen. but... i know i gotta be brave.
i dont want to pretend to be tough when i m not. i dont want to pretend i m okay when i m not okay.
i dont want to be that little girl while i know i could do much more than before. i just have to do what i have to do.
i dont want to just live my life as if just let days passing through. i dont want to live a soul less life.
i dont want to just do what i have to do, i want to do things that i m proud of, i want to be proud of who i am.
i want to live a meaningful life, live happily. i feel like i am a year behind... so... if i have to chase back the time i
have lost, i have to be much more hard working. but then i would wonder if i really had lost a year of time.
i dont want to burry my whole year memories and time here. for me, every moment here has its sweetness and
bitterness. i have seen lots of things that i didnt know before.. i have met people which totally surprised me in
the bad way. then i got to realize things that i wouldnt have known if i wasnt here. there were lots of... shocking
experiences that drove me nuts, some were exciting, some were heart breaking. life is supposed to be like that,
isnt it? i dont think i have left my interests or Psychology even though i m away home or a proper job.
whenever i talk with the ppl i know here, it just.... like interview. a personal interview, got to understand them and
their stories. somehow i could learn a lot of new stuffs... expanded my vision... and then got to realize my
weakness and strength at some points.. just got to see things and myself more clearly... sort of re-setting my
attitude towards different things.

i just know i m no longer that... Castor... i m not totally different, but i know i m different from before.
i dont know if its good or bad. i want to.... have a new start. there are so many things i dont want to let go of,
but i know in time i would have to move on. hummmm... i dont even know what would happen in future,
dont know if i would like to step out from my comfort zone again. there are things and people i m so familiar
so close with who i dont want to leave, but wherever life takes us to, we have to accept it and the life changes.
i dont want to leave the ppl i love, but i also wonder.... how much more i can give in, because while i m giving in,
i m lacking or running out of something for myself. i always have to choose... him or myself.. and.. i always
put himself before myself... sometimes i just have to be selfish, at least once awhile, so that i know i am still
living for myself. i dont want to be selfish, but i cant just.... be his gf.. somehow i need to seek that person
inside myself. i need to embrace myself. be content with who i am.

i think i would need the time and space for myself.

i dont want to say bye to him coz i do love him so much. but i would need to be away from him for awhile.
although i close my eyes, he would appear, he is on my mind... but when i open my eyes, he wont be here
with me, i wont be able to see him to touch him. then when i think about we have loved each others, that's
just really painful. why couldnt we be together always? and even when we are together, living in the same
house, are we really living together? or we are just living two different lives from different world?
he continues with his wild part, i learn to be alone. is it just what all we could have?

i dont want to be apart. but.... i will have to do this.
are you ready to say goodbye? i would never be ready for that.
what are you going to do, Cas? do what i would have to do.

another day when we were watching tv... i wasnt in a good mood coz it was about the time i should tell
him i m leaving. then all of the sudden... he talked about relationship thing again. he said about guys and
girls... guys like to fuck, things like that. its like he was reminding me something. i didnt say much.

On Fri... he asked me to make him lunch and brought it to his office. it was the very first time i make him
lunch. we have a whole year to do that but we didnt. i always want to do that but he d never really let me to
and... that day he eventually asked me if i have figured out what i m gonna do in Sep. so i told him i am going
back to HK. its like a big relief for me to speak it out, coz i just couldnt open my mouth to tell him that i would
go home, i have tried so many times like weeks, i just couldnt do that. coz i dont know what he thinks,
and i just couldnt ask coz i did feel that he hated me somehow. but since then, its like both of us have released
the stress off our chest. thanks him to bring it up. i really love making lunch for him, helping him around the
house. but yea... it wont happen often since i m going home.

Dave talked with me last night... he said... living in another country for 1 year isnt a waste of time in life.
i agree with him, but there are so much so much things i want to do in my life. never have enough time for
everything, but i do want everything. so... one chapter after one, never got time to commit to one, right?
you might have your fav book or even one specific chapter, and are you willing to stop in time?
i didnt tell him my feelings, i told him i dont know what i m gonna do in HK, dont know what would happen.
he said he couldnt comment on that. i guess more or less he was referring something related to honey.
so, i didnt say much. i was drunk.. but when its about something with him, thats like... something i dont
want to talk about unless i m really desperate.

i was drunk.. and i told them... when i m home i wont be able to get drunk.. its true.
and i dont know why... when i m drunk, i could just easily say what i want to say.
dont have to be that ms. nice ms. perfect. dont have to worry about what he likes or doesnt like..
dont have to live in the photo frame. but when i m drunk its dangerous. coz i want to be wild and irresponsible.
is that the little escape for myself too? or just get loose? anyway...

i love it when i could be relaxed when i m ard him... like we went to Surrey.... we are like friends..
when he isnt being an ass, its just so much easier to be around him. i dont have to be on guard.
and i talked about when i go home i would need 2 jobs. he said my life in HK wont be as relaxing.
i told him no. he didnt understand. i told him i worry too, just worry about different things. he sort of laughed
it off. its true. he doesnt usually understand me. and just like what i told Dave last night... going back to HK
is good and bad for me as usual. he agreed with me. and maybe thats why he said he couldnt comment
anything.

he always laugh when he sees the silly side of me. he said i m like a 5 y.o. he asked me how old i am.
i told him 24, then he laughed again. he is so funny sometimes too. he is like a baby when he sleeps.
he is like a child who wants attention and care. and i m actually very happy when... not tug him in bed,
but kindda like that.. so..... i dont know.. i m gonna miss him so much for sure..


Castor... you are going home.

is he gonna miss him too?
does he.... want me to leave? if m gone, then... he can have as much space and time he wants..
he wont see my bitchy face, wont see my hair, wont have me being bitchy at him, disturb him and his guests,
wont see my ice cream stuck in his freezer so he wont need to bitch to Ayako about me.

Cas... you are going home.
everything is going back to the beginning now, isnt it?

>>August 23, 2010 at 4:44:53 AM GMT+8

2010 年 8 月 19 日 星期四 【晴】

you know what i heard today?
actually not only today..

i have been hearing lots of stuffs i m not supposed to know in this house.

why not just be honest with me instead?
so, should i make all the excuses or maybe even lie about the truth now?
calm down, Cas.
you are strong enough to survive this.

>>August 20, 2010 at 6:53:00 AM GMT+8

2010 年 8 月 16 日 星期一 【晴】

i decided to go home.
its a very difficult decision to make,
but i m calling it, because i have to.
i cant be his burden and my family's burden anymore.
this is very difficult for me to say it, but i have to.
if have the choice to stay, i would choose to stay,
but if it will be bad for everyone, then this is not my choice to stay or go.
i must go.
before things are getting even worse, i should make this decision and stick with it.

i m so scared...
i really am..
saying bye to the person i love so much..
who made me sacrafying everything to be with him,
and now i have to make the decision to leave.
i m not sure if he still loves me the same or less, probably he doesnt love me as much.
i dont know what we are going to do with our relationship.
i dont know, but.... leaving is the only thing i can do right now.

>>August 17, 2010 at 9:18:08 AM GMT+8

2010 年 8 月 11 日 星期三 【晴】

do you trust or dont trust?

Mami told me something today..
i wanted to cry but i held it... till i was on the bus ride back home by myself, i couldnt pretend anymore.
i just cried, and i just cried. do you trust him or not?

i wonder if i was fooled... when did that start? for the whole 4 years or just since recently?
so, after 4 years all we got is lies, one after one?

if i wasnt fooled, then tell me what is going on? why would she tell me this?
so he didnt know about it before? how possible? she is coming back. she is coming back.
she got the return ticket from her parents. she left her baggae in her homestay.
she is coming back in 3 weeks before school starts. why lying to me?
i thought we have the trust and honesty and thats what i m so proud of... but actually...
i dont even know what's going on now.

i dont think i would blame him if he does choose her, but at least telling me the truth?
if he wasnt lying, then what is going on? what am i supposed to think?

i dont want to blame anyone for anything.
i just want to solve the problem and get healed.
he hurts me.

its so hard to be a nice person... so hard to be nice..
i just want to be me be nice and i m learning to handel things in classic ways..
its just.... so difficult. so difficult.
where is the respect? where is the dignity, where is the trust and faith?
if its all about lies and advantages of each others, i m sorry, i cant do this annymore.
i m not naive, i m just in love with the stupid one.
i m tired... i m... really tired. i m.. really... tired.

>>August 13, 2010 at 5:39:55 AM GMT+8