2010 年 3 月 10 日 星期三 【晴】

hi.

its been awhile i didnt come here.. well, not that i stop thinking about my life, but the fact is
i do need time to figure out what's happening. it sounds weird for me to say that, coz
obviously i m working at home, i dont have to deal with lots of things that other ppl do, so
it seems nothing much should be going on with me everyday. its kind of true and not.
coz... the more ''freedom'' or relaxing life style i am supposed to have, the more i hate what
i m doing here. coz the reality is the oxymornon. i dont really have freedom, and the job is
not relxing at all.l not like its super hard to do, but while there's no control, no challenges,
and i could only sit and wait for jobs a whole day, then still not making money, its not fun.

working at home doesnt mean i can do whatever i want in the house. if i want to go out,
i worry a lot about the time i m going, when i m coming home, where i can go, what i am
going to do. is it necessary? is it urgent? what about money? i wanna get something to eat,
do i have the money though? what about do some shopping? no way. its a merical for me
that i havent done any shopping for myself since Nov, almost 4 months already.
i want to exercise, but i cant. i dont have my running shose, i dont know when i should
go, i cant afford going to gym. i can only sit and look how fat i am getting everyday.
i try to change my diet. but you know.... i m bored, food is one of the biggest thing that
can excite me. i cant cook coz i m worried while i cook and i dont have much time away
from my desk. i eat bread for breakfast and lunch 90% of my diet. night time i used to have
noodles or pasta, maybe rice once in a while. i eat high sugar stuffs that could make me
feel full.,. its like... when i feel lonely or depressing, then i need a high sugar boost. so...
there were time like in the past few months while i could still get lots of snack on my own,
i ate tonz of chocolate, marshmallow, cookies, candies all the time. coz they are the
comfort food for me.

i remember i used to have regular meals in hk. i m kind of picky on food as in i would choose
healthy food to eat... like... biscuits or cookies must be well chosen, and i have a very good
balance on meals... meat, carb, vege, fruits, soup, very healthy everyday... i take care
of my breakfast and lunch most of the time, then night time i have fresh home cooking dinner.
i would have snack, healthy snack and my whole family love eating. so i d never needed
to worry about food. and i do buy food home every week too. so... never have a problem.
but here, i cant. even when we share food now, its just difficult. coz i worry if i eat this,
then the other person cant have it. i cant cook meat, and so i might only have smoe little
portion of meat once a week or max twice a week if i m lucky. its extremely difficult for me
actually. and then if i m lucky, honey might leave me some food that he cooked. most of the
time he wont, he will eat with Ayako, but .... just not me. it makes me feel .... extremely
uncomfortable but i didnt say anything about it.. coz.... if its the way they live their life, then
i dont want to just interupt that just coz i m here. i have talked with Shan before... she is
like its not working... i told Alessja too, and she's shocked... yea... i feel terrible, in fact
i cry a lot coz of it sometimes. i dont know what his reason is but.... i guess there must
be some reasons. and so... even though we are sharing food now, its nothing magically
good for me. its just... kindda like the same. coz.... if i wanna eat something, i am supposed
to ask i guess. so it kindda feels like i need permission to take the food. especially when hes
at work, i dont want to bother him.. and so most of the time i would just have bread.
coz its easy, not time consuming, and its cheap. just simply like i dont need to worry if they
feel uncomfortable about me eating their food.'

its not okay for me to ask, coz i d never needed to ask for anything at home. i figure things
out on my own. i d never asked my parents to give me money or buy me anything since i was
17. even when they wanted to give me money or buy things for me, i usually just say
i dont need that. dad takes care of the bill while we eat out, mom cooks dinner.. thats it
for me. if i want this or that, i pay on my own even if they want to pay for me. for me,
its like.... i m the oldest one, i have 2 younger sisters. i always had 5 to 10 years adcanced
in money wise, i mean... my parents used to spend lots of expenses on me when i was a
kid before my sisters born or till they needed more budget for school... so.... i already got
that kind of advantages as the oldest kid.. then... now its time for my parents to spend more
money on them, especially i can work to get money while they cant. so.... yea.. and i just
feel uncomfortable to ask for things since i was a kid. if i want toys, i dont ask for toys.
i think if my parents have extra money or if they can buy me toys, they would buy me toys.
if i want candy, i dont need to ask, coz... when my parents have candy they would also
ask me if i want candy. i d never demanded anything from my parents, except there are
huge things going on, and i know i am very scared everytime when i need to ask for
something. maybe coz when i was baby, till 5 or 6 y.o. i was always living in different
families, and i was teased by other kids or those nannies.. so.... i m a very soft person
inside. i could be strong only on certain things or while necessary. in general, i m just a
very soft person. i cry a lot, i laugh a lot, i m kind of fragiled sometimes. but when it comes
to work and study, i m a very strong person.. actually maybe not. i m ambitious and hard
working coz i wanna keep being on top, have the control to choose what i want to do,
have the power to try different things. this might be just... trying to compensate what i am
lacking of inside.

anyway...

few days ago... he just scared me... he talked about his dogs and deaths. i took it very
seriously even though i dont know if it showed, yea, it could be a sign. so... i m worried.
its alright but... yea... need to keep my eyes on him now. its not okay, not fine, if he left
like that. it would never be fine, NEVER. ppl can give up lots of things, but definitely should
not be their live. some ppl fight everyday just for living a day more. so it s not about the
rights of choosing to live or die, its not the value of life... its about you choose to end
the problems this way, but you create the biggest lost to the ppl who care about you
and love you. ppl would move on but forever long they are going to remember how their
friend die and the reason why. ppl would regret why they didnt do anything trying to
help or save their friend' life. ppl would blame themselves. ppl would feel they have a
great lost, and would wonder why you have tp dp this to yourself and them. i tried to kill
myself once, and i just couldnt do that coz i think of my family and friends. i cant bear
to imagine how sad and disappointed they would be for my death. and how can i do that
to them? he is one of the strongest ppl in my world. there are lots of things that i do look
up to him... if he chooses this way to finish his life, how am i going to accept this?
how am i going to carry on my life with this baggage? what about my future while he is
supposed to be with me in future... now i have nothing. how can he possibly do that to me?
so i m not as important as the dogs, i m not as valuable as the dogs, i cant make him
happy enough to live his life with me? how am i going to accept that? it just makes me cry.

but then sometimes we watch tv, and would talk about different roles... like in a family, in
a marriage, with kids, things like that... he looks happy when he looks at me and talk about
those. and i dont know what the deal is with him. sometimes i dont know for sure if he
is going to marry me or even interested to get married. but sometimes he seems like
he is getting ready. so i dont know... but i do appreciate his changes, and it seems like he is
trying to show more interests into the role as a provider. i dont know if he realizes that but
i think it takes lots of efforts, and i do appreciate that no matter what reasons behind.

its like.... building trust and security in a relationship. if that person can take care of you
when you need that, if the person can show his care and understanding in your situation,
if he is willing to help and be there for you and he can actually fufill his words, then this
person would be trustworthy. of course it also includes honesty and sincerety..
its like building faith in a relationship. its not about being materialistic but when you are in
need, he is willing to help, or when he promise something and he will do what he says.
if he says he will but in the end he forgets or he wont, then.... it is going to damage or
destroy the trust. and either party wont feel secure in that relationship at all.

for me.... marriage is a very big thing... like..... i do expect myself a lot in a marriage. i would
want to take care of the house, meals, you know thingsl ike that. and i dont know if he
knows actually i would love to help him to pack lunch and make him brekfast in the morning,
and cook dinner at night while i m here. i m more happy than willing to help him with the
housework. but he is being so picky about cooking and food that i dont even dare to cook
for myself.

and its like dude, i dont know what he wants then. i cant marry a guy who is cooking for himself
and another person, eat with that person, but leaving me cooking and eating on my own. i cant
marry the guy who wouldnt let me help him in the house. i cant marry the guy who is not ready.
i cant marry the guy who cant be responsible for me. now, he has the money and thats fine.
when i need money or anything, then i need to ask. thats ok, its very very very uncomfortable
but i m adjusting myself with that. but sometimesi just dont know how things work the way he wants.
i do appreciate his changes though, i do... but i wonder if he knows its really very difficult for me.

if he would compare me with Ayako then i cant. coz i m not her. she and i are in a very
different situation. it just cant be compared. i dont know if she doesnt like to go out or get things
on her own by choice, although thats what he told me, i am not this kind of person. i like to have
my own schedule, i like to go out for a walk once a day, i like to get stuffs, cook the meal, do
some cleaning everyday. i like to go out meeting up ppl, go to the library, go to the stores and mall,
do some work, have my schedule, being organized. i m like that when i was in hk.., i hang out
with my family on weekend, seeing friends twice a month.. i m like that..
thats a life... while i m here, i have nothing. its painful. but he is the only person and only
reason why i m willing to stay.

if i m married... i would make sure my house is fine and organized, make sure i am
taking care of my family well. i would take good care of my husband and kids and i would
love to do that. i think whoever marries me in future, its his fortune. i cant say i m
ready for a marriage, coz obviously my situation now is not okay at all. and also depends
on your partner. if the male is ready, then it wont take the female so much or too long to be
ready. but if the male part is not ready, then it usually is the problem in a relationship. i mean
in a traditional way...
'
when i m here, i dont tidy up my room very often... at first i did.. but once my job started,
i just couldnt care too much... not that i dont want to, just that i find it more important to sit
at the desk than cleaning. not that i dont want to go out and hang around or take a walk,
just that its more important to sit at the desk. and i tell you waht i fucking hate what i
am doing here. i fucking hate it. and i dont feel like i m living a life at all.

i love him... and... at the end of the day... thats the only time i could relax and spend time
with him... but i also get nervous about work mail at night...

i hate ppl compare my situation with some signle mom or some ppl who works at the
shitty place without choice.. its like i seem to be very lucky i could work at home or at
least i m not washing dishes at some restaurant. but you know... i m not a single mom,
i dont have kids, i m young, and i wouldnt have needed to work in a restaurant if i m in
my own country. and as i said many many times before, i dont need my own business,
i dont need to make tonz of money, i dont need these. i have my direction, i have my
goals... but i postpond them in the prime time in my life to come over here. there re only
two reasons, its not for myself... its for him and i want to be with him. if i have given
up our relationship, i wouldnt even be here today. and i would also make sure i wont
need to wash dishes as my job in hk.

i m still thinking if i m going home in april' then come back, or just extend my visa...
coz the thing is... i do want to go home first... i miss home, i miss my family and friends..
i wanna have my body check there, i wanna bring my winter stuffs home and bring my
summer stuffs here. i miss moms cooking, i miss the food in hk... i miss everything there.
i do wanna come back here too, so.... if i go home in May,'then come back in May or June...
then i would be leaving here again in Nov or early Dec depends on when i m coming back
here. i havent made up my mind yet.. i need to discuss with him...

>>March 12, 2010 at 5:11:39 AM GMT+8

2010 年 3 月 2 日 星期二 【晴】

Hi.

its been very boring at work. nothing very special... lots of ups and downs in the days..

i might stay longer instead of going home in April. we sorts of talked about that another day.
and yea, i probably would stay longer, extend my visa. i checked on line, it should be okay,
but need to pay some money, and get a new ticket as well. for me, it was good and bad.

of course i m happy that he wants me to stay. of course i love it, coz i dont have to worry
about or start counting about how many days later we would be apart again. the bad
thing was i started to see myself not fitting here since at the very first begining. and i told
myself if anything shitty happens, the worst case is i would be going home, and the end of
April wasnt that far. i knew i m probably not going home before the date i am supposed
to leave, but i have already started searching and watching the job market in hk.. start thinking
about my family and work, my friends, and what i would do, what i need to do.... so i miss
home and the food a lot... and i was telling myself anyway, it might be okay for me to go
home to see my family and friends, to go back the place i am from. then i might be able to
take a break to think about doing more for myself other than doing things for him.
but i guess staying here is more like good news than the bad news. coz i seriously dont
want to be apart from him.

come along the pop corn incident...
honey helped me to solve the food problems. we do share food now. eventually i told him
one of the problems for me to stay here. i didnt know he bought more food was coz of me,
co he didnt tell me and he didnt ask me to eat them. but yea, anyway, thank him.

life isnt great here all the time. there are still lots of tensions once awhile...
last time he said i looked like a pig, and this piece of comment has ben staying in my head since
then. how great, i can see myself not as attractive from before, and now i got the confirmation
from him. no matter if he was joking about it or do mean it coz he needs to tell me, its
not constructive to me personally or for work as well. its necessary to tell the truth, but
not necessary to do that in the cruel way, especially if he knows what type of person i am.

but last night, we were talking about other things... then i said he thought i looked like a pig,
and i knew i am not atrractive. he explained. he said i shouldnt compare myself with those
others. i had never really compared myself with them befoe, then i started to realize the problem
is this is the fact, i cant be as competitive, and i got it proven from my boyfriend's mouth as well.
and think about how often does he touch me and how often he ''jokes'' about the other girls,
i could just see it clearly. i do believe in what i see and hear.

staying here sometimes its like...... i gotta think twice when i want to do something or say
something, being very concious even just staying at home. and i always get into troubles.
like last time the pop corn. and problems just always happen on me. i should say i always
cause troubles here. honestly, i'm very sick of the fact that i am a problem. i m quite frustrated.
i cant deny that i m scared of this and that all the time, and i wonder i am not supposed to
be like that.

another problem i have is.... my bad manner. i think 99% of the ppl i know of wouldnt find
me have this kind of issue. but last night, i made 3 mistakes in a roll. so.... well, i am really
disappointed at myself, and find very embarassing and.... feel really bad that in fact i know
he hate girls in bad manner, and i was. and he told me i seriously needed to becareful
of that. he knows i didnt mean to be rude but i was being rude without realizing it.

last night i couldnt sleep, i didnt sleep well... and i got a very weird dream.
i dreamed of him diching me coz of another girl. in the dream, i knew that girl too..
and he was so into that girl, and i was devastating. i knid of told myself to be calm, but
inside i was burning as in i was upset and angry. i was disappointed at myself and
didnt know how to fix it... but yea then i got up.

last night, Jackson's birthday dinner. i was glad that i finally got to see them.
but then, i didnt really enjoy it, coz at first i freaked out about there were ppl i didnt know
about, i thought its a family dinner... and the place was super crowded.. i was bored
before Maybo and Jackson finally got there.. then i ate, but in a hurry, and always checking
the time and worry about going home late. i dont really have this problem in hk. i knew i would
be late home, and i tried not to be home late, but i wouldnt need to worry to the certain degree
like last night. i feel bad coz i was the one in hurry and made everyone kinda of hurry.
although they didnt mind, i did. i was affecting the others. and it was my cousin's birthday.
i couldnt control the time and the arrangement, but i feel so bad. coz either i m affecting my
cousins's dinner or i m affecting honey and his dogs.

i sms him this afternoon. but he hasnt replied me.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

about life changes...

sometimes, i dont know if we are like old couple or what. there are so many things that
we wouldnt even do these days. we dont have kids of course, but we have baggages.

i m sure there are things that he hates about me, and much more than those he likes about me.
he doesnt seem to be able to accept me as who i am but keep pushing me to change
for him or to be better... sometimes i just find very tiring.. coz the thing is.... there are so
much i dont like about him too but i wouldnt complain so much.. i am being extra patient
with him coz i know him and i have to accept this is the way he is somehow. and i wonder
what a marriage would turn out to be, i mean for myself...

is it like.... i would have the same problems with any other ppl if i marry them instead?
what about if i didnt give up my study and continued it, like my friends at school did..
they are going to grad this year with their master degree, and going to the psychology field.

what about having kids at my age? thats what my mom did when she was 23, thats what
most of the women did in the last generation. thats what some of my friends doing now too..
and i always want to have my own career, climbing up and up, wants to study more, wants
to get married early and settle down... coz i m ambitious and i m a family person...
but what i m doing here, sometimes do make me sick and.... i kindda feel like i m wasting time.
but i cant be 100% sure i m wasting time. but i m definitely not satisfied with myself and my life.

he asked me to tell him if i need anything... i know he is trying to help me.. he mentioned
something like i shouldnt feel weird or strage.. and he said like what if i become a housewife etc...
well... i didnt see myself in that way since he didnt really mention he would marry me. even
when we talked about marriage in general or having kids, he didnt really put himself as in my
husband or my kids father things like that, well... maybe i would need to find out more in future.

anyway this is my problem.. i d never really asked ppl for help. its either i figure things out myself,
or i just dont need to worry about certain things. plus my background is a bit weird, so, its
extremely hard for me to ask ppl.

>>March 4, 2010 at 3:20:23 AM GMT+8

2010 年 2 月 26 日 星期五 【晴】



我的小時候 吵鬧任性時侯 我的外婆 總會唱歌哄我
when i was small, whining and complaining, my granny would sing for me
夏天的午后 老老的歌安慰我 那首歌好像這樣唱的
today afternoon in summer, i remember this song which always can comfort me
天黑黑 欲落雨 天黑黑 黑黑
''its cloudy, its going to rain''
離開小時候 有了自己的生活
after i grow up, i start to have my own life
新鮮的歌 新鮮的念頭 任性和衝動 無法控制的時候
i have heard new songs, new ideas. when there are lots of down side out of controll,
我忘記 還有這樣的歌 天黑黑 欲落雨 天黑黑 黑黑
i still remember this song, ''its cloudy, it is going to rain''
我愛上讓我奮不顧身的一個人 我以為 這就是我所追求的世界
i fall in love with someone who makes me want do anything for him'
and i thought this is my world, which i have been chasing for
然而橫衝直撞被誤解被騙 是否成人的世界背後 總有殘缺
then i go after different ways in this adult life. misunderstanding, misleading, being cheated,
is it all i deserve, all the darknedd in our world?
我走在 每天必須面對的分岔路 我懷念 過去單純美好小幸福
i am walking through the road, and have to decide which way to go everyday
i miss the simpleness and the beautiful innocence i could have before
愛總是讓人哭 讓人覺得不滿足 天空很大卻看不清楚 好孤獨
love always make ppl cry, never satisfy ppl. the sky is wide and blue, but i cant see it through,
it's loneliness.
天黑的時候 我又想起那首歌 突然期待 下起安靜的雨
when its cloudy again, i think of that song, suddenly i just want that shower rain
原來外婆的道理早就唱給我聽 下起雨 也要勇敢前進….
actually, granny has already explained to me through this song...
even though its raining, we still have to be brave and step forward
我相信 一切都會平息 我現在 好想回家去 天黑黑 欲落雨 天黑黑黑黑
i believe that everything would be fine, now, i really want to go home..
its cloudy and it is going to rain.

>>February 27, 2010 at 10:46:56 PM GMT+8

2010 年 2 月 17 日 星期三 【晴】

hi.

i m not feeling very well. i went to see the doctor yesterday, and i got some hormone pills now.
i started taking that last night... and yea..... hopefully it would help me on my period problem.
i have been feeling very unattractive coz of my period actually. and of course he didnt touch me
that makes me feel worse. but i cant ask someone to touch me especially when i m on period.
anyway, i went to see the doctor, but it also makes me worry coz she seems given me a very
heavy dose of medicine. then i didnt take any tests as well, so... it concerns me and him.

coz i was out yesterday morning, i have missed 3 appointment, thats really alot.
i dont usually got appiontment in the morning, thats why i just went to the doctor as early as
i can so i could come home earlier. but then i couldnt make appoinrment at the clinic coz i dont
have their number. i have been there once only in 2005. so.... yea....

it feels pretty bad everytime when i m out, then i would recieve emails. but then when i m
home then i m not so busy at all. its like everytime when i go out i m rushing to get things done
then leave. i cant have fun or relax when i m out. it feels so bad, i m afraid when i m out.
i try to go out as less as i could, but once i m out i m worried. so.... it just sucks.
i wanna go out, i wanna meet up with friends. i wanna hang ard home and relax but i cant.

back home feeling bad coz of missing those appointments. then doing some work...
then nothing much untill night time...

we hang out at night. i told him someone at tim hortons wanted a conversation with me.
i knew it was a bit odd, so i was very careful of my bag. keep it zipped and on my lap,
i put my arm on the top of my bag, things like that. that guy was some religious ppl..
wants to try telling story of spiritial thing. its strange. i told him i was expecting someone...
so i might need to go in 5 mins.

honey heard that i let that guy sit down, then he freaked out. he said thats very dangerous.
blah blah blah i d never known if that person is this and that... i told him i know..
well, what can i say when he seemed so angry. then he said i was fucking stupid. then
he walked away. i was sitting there... he came back and said hes going to bed.
then i just left. i didnt say anything. i came back to my room... chatted a bit with shan...
then i went to bed.

sometimes... i mean i do know that he worries about me. and i feel bad that i make him
worry or feel like that i cant be independent. but the thing is.... he would always be much
older than me, i would never be as smart as him too. and when he got pissed off or say
something very cruel, it makes me feel like shit. coz i dont have problems with others
and its like no one or not even my parents will keep saying i m stupid or things like that.
it just makes me feel so terrible. so i wasnt happy about last night and i didnt want to
speak with him neither.

this morning i couldnt get up. when i eventually woke up, it was about the time he needed
to use the bathroom, so... i didnt want to disturb him and his schedule... then i fell back to
sleep while waiting... then i got 2 sms from him.. the first one didnt wake me up at all..
then i saw the sec one, got some urgent work to do. but in our conversation about work,
it was just short words and direct. no time to really type actually. yea.. while i was done,
he left already. didn get the chance to speak with him. i still feel bad about last night.

i got the package from my family. i was soooooo happy. they snet me some tea and snack.
my sister knows which candies i like so she sent me those candies. ha...
they wanted to say hi to honey.... but i was in my room so... yea.. then we chatted for an
hour.. it was nice to see them on cam.

i m thinking what i am looking for in a marriage.
i remember one time honey told me that ppl who got married in 20s usually the marriage
cant survive. coz most of the ppl in their 20s are still trying to figure out what they want
in life. for me, i would love to get married early. coz i want to be a mom when i was young
instead of old. so when my children grow up i wont be too old. and also... i know myself
very well that i would love family life and have my own family early. i m the kind of person
who would want to take care of ppl and take care of the kids, husband and home..
at the same time i would want a side job and some learning, as if something i can do for myself.
i wanna do children work or psychology work, something related to ppl. not just money.
i know it very well i m going this way. but at the moment now i m not doing any futher
study to achieve my dream but trying to help him to start up his business again.
i dont know if he would like to or would marry me... another day we talked about having
kids. he suggested me to take some test with ''the guy i would have baby with''. he didnt
say thats himself or anything like that.

i think a marriage is like a long term companionship. but more than frienship or just sexual
relationship. its like being in a family, interdependent. but will have the same goals, working
hard together for the family. being with each others, take care of each others, no matter
when the person is in need or just in daily bases. its love, trust, honesty, and patient.
and its also the very important thing is... the acceptance. accept who i am and accept
who he is. it takes lots of love, trust, and patient. a real marriage is like some committment
thing, and it does take a lot of efforts. the committment would be shown while two ppl
are putting efforts in it.. and in a marriage, ppl should be able to enjoy it as a journy in their
life with each others, appreciate having each others walking in their life. so... for me,
marriage is a huge thing... i know life is tough, and things get complicated while my life would
be invovled with someone else. but still i would love to be married and experience the
good and bad of it. nuturing and keeping a family well would probably be one of the biggest
achievements i would want in my life, coz... i would see they are happy and healthy.

>>February 19, 2010 at 3:24:36 AM GMT+8

2010 年 2 月 11 日 星期四 【晴】

"it's not just the way how you communicate with the others, it's how they communicate with you too. it's always like,
you thought they understood, but no they dont. they expect you to learn their ways."



last time i mentioned about a marriage then i left.. and it took me awhile to think of that too.

the last few days were going fine. nothing special beside we went out a bit on Tue, then... i didnt join the family dinner
that night coz it was getting late. i feel bad not to go, if i m living by myself or with someone else then i would go...
but with him and his dogs, no. it d be too late by the time i get home. for me, its bad when they change the time, but
i could still understand and i would probably go since they do want to see me and have prepared everything.
yea, thats like.... there are 2 events in a year are super important for Chinese ppl. the "chinese thanks giving dinner"
and the "lunar new year gathering" so... this yea, i cant be around my family, and here i missed the first one,
and i wont have the second one. it feels bad, it really does... but then thats still alright... i met up with auntie Lai
yesterday lunch. but then i didnt even get the chance to visit their home, coz i was in a rush to come back working.
sigh.

but yea, thanks her so much... she brought me lots of goodies.. and of course i brought her something too..
it's not only coz i m supposed to, coz it's not necessary for me to do so, but i just want to. coz it's rare of me being
here for CNY, and since she's so nice to me, i just wanna do something for her... i dont have much time hanging
around, but if some cookies would make her happy, the chinese cultural thing, then yes. i would do that.

on Tue... i was glad that he asked me if i would go with him. sure i would. so i was getting ready and waiting for
him. then he just left without telling me. he told me would be leaving ard 1 30 ish. so its after 1 33, and i didnt hear
from him, i went downstair to check if he's ready. then i found that he's gone. then i checked on Mami, and mesged
him. he siad i was too late. it's like what the hell? and Mami wasnt ready yet. so i was like... what's going on?
i was really pissed. but Mami was ready to go... so..... we just took the bus. and on the way i mesged him, he gave
us time to get there. the thing is, i dont know, if when we got there and he would be gone again. forget it.
i would be super pissed. we finally got there and had to wait for him. then we walked around and then we did
some shopping together. back home, i was really starving. he and Mami were both in the kitchen, so i didnt want
to start cooking. its too busy there. then i asked him if he minds to make me some dinner.. coz he s cooking already.
then he said he's gonna make some cheesy things. for me, oh too bad..... but i could try a bit, coz take some without
too much cheese. it's not that difficult. if i m gonna eat, then i would need to eat. i needed food, i didnt have much
choice. but then.. at the end... he prepared for himself, Mami and Ayako, but not me. i was a bit shocked and
of course i was pretty upset. then he asked me to sit down with them. hell no. i was starving, and he wanted me
to sit down and watch them eating? he asked me to make something to eat he got food. i was like... huh?
no... i would go get some mcdonalds. its like... by the time i start eating, you all would finish. and even if i sit down
eating something else than them, it would be super odd and uncomfortable for me. why would you do that?
i was so upset. i just cried when i went out to get myself mcdonalds dinner while i was supposed to have a family
dinner with my relatives or with him at home. it's just really upsetting me.

but of course he wouldnt understand. of course.
and i thought today i could have my small chinese new year eve "celebration" with him by just having dim sum.
but then, it didnt happen. its not even any celebration... i just want to have a proper chinese meal with the
person i love since i dont have my family here and missed the one with my relatives.

i had been thinking to take him to have chinese food coz he likes it but wouldnt go by himself. but then i also
worry about the food quality and the places and services that he might not like, so i did some research and
asked around my friends and aunts... then i chose that restaurant. and how often would i make these kinds
of efforts for someone to just have lunch with me? he's the first one. and then i worry that he wouldnt like to
line up in the crowd, so i just made reservations. how often do i make reservation for a meal with ppl? none.
never. and i reminded him yesterday just coz i know he might forget. and then this late morning or noon when
i asked him when we are leaving coz he seems totally forget. then he told me he forgot and blamed me not
reminding him last night. it;s like.... why would that be my responsibility? and i was very pissed off, coz i think
he would remember meeting up with others but forgetting the lunch with me. then he asked me to prove it.
coz he said he just got up and half asleep, he said he usually doesnt meet up with ppl for lunch, blah blah..
and yes, he has his points, including like everything he says. but the thing is... yea, it's my bad not reminding
him and acting bitchy while he forgets. coz i respect the time with him and respect what i have done and planed.
he thinks that i m making a big deal. we can always go somewhere else or have lunch another time. we always
spend time together anyway. but for me, yea sure... but that's the problem of the respect. he wouldnt
agree with me on this for sure. he thinks that's bullshit. but has he ever tried to respect me in this way that
just to try to do that for me just coz that would make me happy? not just the way that he judge on me or what
i do, or want me to do things and accept the way he is. no, its a fucking chinese new year thing.
its important for me. he said like we can go somewhere else, and? i didnt see he s making any move
or trying to go with me later today though. he said i m being a bitch, and shouldnt do that coz he does care
about me and i was accusing him about remembering to meet up with the others. he complains that i m
making a big deal. fine. i m not good enough at that i know. but do you think that i want to act bitchy? i hate
myself being like that, coz it makes me so sick too. i was supposed to be happy going out with him. and
now no. nothing. and i shouldnt even be sad.

its the problem of our communication. of course i do appreciate his efforts for me on other things.
but what i m pissed off about is... i really hate ppl changing schedule with me once i have made a plan.
if he's still sick or has some emergency, then i m fine. lets arrange another time. but forget about having
lunch with me? it's like...... if you ever care about that, how could you forget it? and now blaming me
not to remind him last night. i know what to do next time. remind him. but then he might find me
annoying next time why the hell i remind him stuffs.

i was pretty upset... and i feel sick.. i dont know why.. i just feel sick. i feel like to eat all the time these days,
and i feel like to puke at the same time. i feel cold always no matter indoor or outdoor. and my period is
messed up. probably coz of the bad diet i m doing and lack of exercise. and all i would blame on is the
stress. i hate it so bad.

then he asked me if i wanted to go to the store with him. we went out. then came home...
i cooked some turnip cake and made sweet potatoes desert with ginger.
we watched some Olympic Opening show... its kind of funny... well, i dont know...
i m not feeling well.. but he's complaining about the business is going crappy. so.... i dont know
what i can do. he should understand that's not like i dont take things seriously. its just the
way it is. and i m as worried, and i am pretty stressed. seriously.

marriage.... i will come back later for that.
and also i would need to write some letter to the SFAA. it's just stress.

i dont know... i m quite disappointed today... and i do wonder if we would really go have
dim sum another day... i just dont know. i think if the person really wants to do something,
he would do it no matter what. same on everything including marriage, work, study, babies,
family, relationship, blah blah...

well, i guess time can prove everything. lets see if he will really bring me to other places.
for Chinese food. for him, i dont see he cares about things like that. but for me, its about
the respect and trust too. i guess its also about.... the way we communicate. i dont think he
should blame me this morning. well...

>>February 13, 2010 at 9:20:52 AM GMT+8

2010 年 2 月 4 日 星期四 【晴】

Hi.

it's been a nice week.. basically.. honey is on vacation since last weekend. so we have been spending more time
together, hanging out.. we visited Dave, took a walk, hung around Downtown. and then we also had a few big
meals.. we fixed the car as well. everything was fine.. and i actually believed that he might not want me to leave.
we usually dont hang outside so long, but that day we really spent a whole day out... it's quite exhausting as well.
but then i guess it's been quite a long while i havent been out for that long, and i think he's the same too.
then last night was so funny.. dad called... not on my cell but his cell. so it's like what's going on? and i d never
imagined that the first time they spoke would be on phone under this kind of situation. honey asked me if dad said
anything about talking with him. hahaha no... dad didnt say anything. that's the thing, dad didnt say anything, which
means everything is fine. and i know dad is fine anyway. only honey worries if my Ching Chong family would not
be thrill about him. my family have been wanting to see him not coz they want to criticize him, its coz they want
to meet him to welcome him. its actually the same when i first saw his mom... i asked if his mom said anything about
me. and he answered the same, no dont worry. ha... isnt it silly? but i like it.

i appreciate everything he has done for me and us.. i really do..
i like to hang out with him too, but we just cant do it too often. we just cant.

i m a very simple person, i had never thought about what i am doing right now or what i am experiencing these
years... i dont like a lot of things what i am doing, i m not proud of it, i dont like it. i always think i have something
else more important waiting for me to do... but when i m here, that's not the job keeps me staying around. it's the
time with him, it's the every morning and evening keep me here. i seriously really hate what i am doing. it's again,
my choice to come, but it doesnt mean i am ok with my job. anyway... it just feels bad.

long hrs, no freedom, everyone is fake.
dont tell me this is just a real world. when there are plenty of other choices i might could have i dont feel like to
stuck with what i am doing now. i might not be making enough money, but at least i know when i am working
when i am not. i could arrange my schedule, which is now i completely lose any control of my own time.
if i want to go to the store, i cant go as often. if i want to meet up my friends, i would at least delay for weeks
before i would really see them. if i want to exercise, i would think about maybe have 1 more hr sleep would be
better coz i dont have enough sleep now anyway. i want to help him with cleaning, but i cant, coz i need to work
if i want to make some nicer meal i cant, coz it's time consuming and i dont have money. i m using some emergency
money now just to get some simple food. not that he wont share food with me, but i cant ask him to get me some
bread and soy milk when he's not doing any shopping at all, right? it's just i dont know what to say. he's on vacation
now, and i m sitting in my prison cell.

i hate boredom, and i dont know how much longer i can stand that...

another day i talked with Carole. she asked me if Stephen has played the blaming game with me... i told her
i dont know. i dont think he is really playing the blame game with me but somehow i do feel tension between us
sometimes. and i would think he's blaming me on certain things, not like he wants to, but he shows that.

i feel pretty bad when i look at my log book... its like... i work from 2 sth or 3 pm till 10 50 or 11 sth pm...
so usually around 8 to 9 hrs in the day time and evening time shift.. then late night, i start from 2 sth or 3 am till
6 or 7 am... another 3 or 4 hrs.. its just crazy. and the thing is... its really boring and time consuming.
i slept at 6 or 7 in the morning, and get up ard 12 noon.. then he complains i m lazy. yea, if i dont have
to sleep, 24 hrs always on call then that would be perfect, but i cant.

well, we did have good time together.. and i do appreciate that.
think about every night giving him massage, sometimes it's quite boring, and my hands and knees hurt often now.
i like to massage him coz he could relax, i just want him to have better sleep. but at the same time, i'm like massaging
and no one talks to me. it kindda feels bad. you can imagine, i might not even have to talk much in my days and nights.
we talk but not too too much. sometimes that's ok.. but then sometimes tension would come when he says
Nevermind on something or when he basically being rude, i am soooo turn off. so, yea... just like that..

CNY is coming so soon.. i really want to go get some CNY cake... but......... it's in Richmond centre...
it's a bit far... i have been thinking if i should go back there to get some. it's not toooooo expensive but...
its money and i dont know if i should get it. then VDay is on the same day... hummm.... i have got him some little things
already. i think i could only buy these once a year, so... yea... and this is the first VDay i m here with him, so..
just wanna do something, otherwise i dont know if next year i would be around.

these days, i have thought about marriage and what i am looking for in a marriage.. what about the difference
between a marriage and a long term relationship.

brb.. i m too tired to type... back pain, shoulders pain..

>>February 5, 2010 at 4:59:00 AM GMT+8

2010 年 1 月 25 日 星期一 【晴】

hello

beside the business is going really bad, everything is all good.
i mean i m happy to be with my honey, i am very happy to spend time with him, beside the business is going terrible.

i really have thought about if i should go home earlier, of course the only reason stops me doing so is coz of my
honey. and i cant and i dont want to leave him. i love him and i really want to be with him. isnt that strange? yes,
but i really want to be with him, dont want to leave him.

love doesnt make ppl blind, instead love makes you see things more clearly.
you know your life sucks, and you know you are in pain with that, but only love is giving you support to keep going
on with life. of course i could have a much better job, better food and living conditions, but take a min to think,
you know you weight something as important and actually even much more important than those, and this is... him.
so, i m not blind, i just see the priority of value in my life. it would be him and our possible future.

we had a good weekend. i dont know when was the last time i actually considered my weekend was great with him.
coz i have been very stressed, and same as him.. then we always stay home.. so... yea, it was great.
i was surprised at times too... we usually dont hold hands, or going to the Chinese mall... but that day we did both.
and also... we had iHop. i always want to go there, but i dont want to go alone.. so, it was just a surprise.
i dont need to go to those fancy restaurants... i just want to eat with the ppl i love in some local place, so i could
feel comfortable and just be natural. fancy place is fine once awhile, or on special occasions, but i dont usually
prefer going to those places. as long as the place is clean, have good food, not too crowded, then i'm fine.
we went to US, and also played wii active. it was actually me doing the wii active. he was like my personal trainer.
it was sooooo tiring but okay. i need exercise. it's actually quite a good choice if you never have time to go out
exercise. for me, i prefer going out to exercise, so i can get some fresh air and have good scenery while exercising.
its good stress relief. but fine, staying home for exercise is fine coz we could do that together and just very
comfortable being home. then we went to Dave's place... its kind of crazy. maybe coz i drunk... i dont usually talk
so much but that night, i just kept talking, and i swear, i just said whatever i think i should say.... and it was quite
funny actually. like what i usually do with friends. and i think honey had a good time too. and i didnt know that he
would actually forget about hacking into my accounts and deleting my information and friends like that. coz it was
huge to me that i still remember every details of that. and he just kept laughing and really didnt even remember it.
but he remembers the first time i was here back to 2007. he doesnt remember we met in 2006 through friendster,
but he remembers the first package i sent him was including corn flakes. haha.. and then he thought that we had
sex after 30 mins while we got home from the airport.. well it's not so true. i took a shower, settled things down,
and he tried to have sex with me, but we didnt really get there... we also hang around Richmond, had dinner at
WhiteSpot then went home.. and yea we .... hum. ha.... then he remembers he was testing me on certain things.
we just talked a lot of things happened before.. and it was so funny actually. its not just funny... but... makes me
think..... like... we have been together for awhile already.... so much drama before... on and off, and we still
survive... he remembers what i wrote him before. he remembers. its so important that he shows me he cares.
and like this time i m here, screwed up on the rent and the kitchen... i m still really guilty about that.. and i m stressed.
but still i know i love him so i dont want to leave.

i know things are weird. coz when he asked me then why i m with him... i just dont know. i dont know. i cant
explain it. i just know i love him and want to be with him. i dont know what reasons he has to be with me, coz
obviously i m dump dump on many things. but he didnt give me up.

i dont usually think about what kind of guy i was looking for or what qualities my guy should have... i think i do have
high standard for myself, and also for "a boyfriend" or future husband. but i wouldnt really make a list to choose
guys within my priorities on the list. but then with him, sometimes he's really pissing me off and makes me cry..
but at certain degrees, i know he has points and i learn to accept and adapt into the difficult situation... i think he
calls it growth and being an adult. haha. but yea... i sort of seeing the quality and potential of being a good husband
and a good father inside him. i dont know if he realizes himself with that, but i think he would be a good husband and
dad. well, he is not perfect for sure. but i think that's fine as long as he wouldnt drive me nuts always. but i dont
know if we are going to get marry coz i cant see when. but when he asked me if i feel engaged, my answer is yes.

trust is really important in a relationship, same as love..
so.... gaining my trust in a relationship isnt a very easy thing to do, even though i m quite easy trusting to ppl..
but when it comes to relationship not friendship, then things are definitely different.

and then now you understand why i dont want to go back to HK on top of all the reasons i have about going back.

but i do know we need to solve the problems. i m thinking what else i can do here, i need to get more income.
i need to do something to get more income.

>>January 26, 2010 at 6:55:31 AM GMT+8

2010 年 1 月 21 日 星期四 【晴】

he doesnt seem to want me to go home.

i love him.
i want to be with him, what should i do?

>>January 22, 2010 at 2:14:02 PM GMT+8

2010 年 1 月 20 日 星期三 【晴】

"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic,
those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected,
those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging
and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you
you love, well, that's just fabulous." -- Carrie Sex and the City




i think, i have the all in one.
but i dont know if he loves me for who i am.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

my job is giving me so fucking high stress.
i fucking want to swear to those fuckers out there, those who are spying without paying.
i dont think ppl actually understand how i feel on this. especially when he is complaining to me,
i actually wish one day he would just sit here with me for the whole day, observing how this business is going,
not just blaming on me why there'snt much business going at all. coz this is so fucking out of control and i fucking
hate those fuckers out there.

i have thought about going home. but the reason why i m still here not because i want to make more money for myself.
obviously, i am making nothing but only frustration. i thought if i stay, it might bring some income to balance out the
cost. but actually, he wants me to go home too. we didnt go into it, but i wonder the true meaning behind me being
here.

sometimes, i do wonder.....
if i didnt make those mistakes, the problems wont be on me even though the business is still not making enough money.
then, would he still be as picky on me or he might be nicer to me? when there are hopes in the future, which could
bring better living conditions for us, he was happier towards me. once problems popping out, we just couldnt
handle them, could we? if that's the case, why should i stay while i am not having fun at all but only in pain?

sometimes....
i feel like he had never really appreciated or thought about how much i have given up to come over. just because of
the trust i have in him, boom, i m here. i basically ignored everything happening in HK with my family, friends, my dream,
my career path, my identity and my personal plan, just for him... i dont even care about how much i can actually make
for my own here. i d never asked about how i am gonna paid, how much i can have, or even how i am going to pay
for my student loans.

i know i have been pissing him off on many little things. just because i am here living in the same house, i am pretty
annoying already. no matter what i do, there always problems or mistakes, or some tiny little things that's not his
fav or that he doesnt like about me. i thought it was just about the habits or different living style. i could change or
adjust myself to this new environment, because i m living with others, in someone's place, i should play the rules.

but you know....
maybe it's really time for me to go home.

i keep thinking about the money issue, like the expenses and if he could afford having me here...
and then i also think about the job i am doing.

i almost lost myself. i wanted to scream, but i couldnt. i was so mad, because i know i am just not the type of ppl
this industry is looking for. i dont have that kind of look, i dont have that kind of voice, i dont speak that kind of
language, i dont have that kind of feelings ppl are looking for out there. for them, i am something else. i am not what
they are looking for, i am something else. ppl are not stupid or blind. they know, they just know i am not that type,
and they dont want me. think about the clients i have had. regular clients. i dont have much. and no matter if it's
real or not, they always want something untypical from me. and once they figured out that's not what i am providing,
they stopped. they did see me as something else instead of some regular service ppl should provide. and this is the
kind of image i have for most of the ppl there. so if they are not looking for this, then they dont want me, as simple
as that. i dont look like the typical things they want. its supposed to be a good thing, but in business wise, it's not.
coz this is just a downside.

and i cant fake 10 - 12 hrs per day to pretend that i could do that. because this is not rewarding, especially i have
to worry about everything and i m not welcome here basically. you know, i am in pain. it's not even about being
positive or not. not about being an adult or not. and you know this is real.

i thought when there're problems, we could stick together and solve them. but maybe it's just me so naive to believe
that we could actually stick together. because obviously, he would rather talk with Ayako than me. that's okay,
coz they are the family. or maybe i m just the dummy he always think i am, so he doesnt like to talk with me on
certain things. whatever the reason is, isnt it just the same?

if he really wants to share food with me, why he just shares the left over with me? why not left me some before
he ate? or let me know he would leave me some? if he doesnt want to share, then... why left me some on the plate?
i dont understand. its confusing. and if he just wants me to finish his leftover, this is just insulting.

i know i cant blame him on what's happening, coz if i didnt screw up at first, things wouldnt have happened this
way. like i said, by watching the person i love to suffer for me, this is at least 10 times more painful than myself
suffering in it, coz i cant do anything about it, and this is the biggest punishment for me. coz i cant even make things
up, and i m in pain as well. tell me, what can i do?

i pray, i do pray.
i m thinking what i should do next.

i love him, i do... should i just go home?

sorry.. i m really in a terrible mood.
its not like i dont appreciate his food or whatever. i just need more. more time with him, more time away from work.
more time i could be away from my room, more time to hang out with people, more time that i can talk with ppl.
i need more time to be with him, not like... whenever i thought i could talk with him, it's either someone is around or
he's getting ready to sleep, or busy texting with his friends or whoever chicks. i feel like i m more like an extra person
in this house more than i m actually living with him.

but too bad... its time for me to go home, isnt it?

>>January 21, 2010 at 10:11:23 AM GMT+8

2010 年 1 月 19 日 星期二 【晴】

Castor... you need to go home.
it's time for you to go home. wake up.

>>January 20, 2010 at 5:47:58 PM GMT+8