2009 年 11 月 10 日 星期二 【晴】

today is the remembrance day.
hummmm the poppy thing. it's been on my mind for awhile..
i know i'm not british and i didnt belong to the world war years... and.... it's kind of weird for me to wear the poppy.
just the fact that i do respect the ppl who have died for the wars, coz they were very brave and willing to scarify
themselves for their country, so... yea... and i was interested in the poppy thing, especially after Stephen has asked
me those ques about the poppy.

but yea... these days... actually after that time we talked, he has been a nicer boyfriend. it was very surprising.

b.r.b.

>>November 12, 2009 at 6:38:31 AM GMT+8

2009 年 11 月 6 日 星期五 【晴】

i would need to change what i have said here earlier on.
coz.. i have witnessed something very important today.
i'd never gonna forget that.

this man... and i.... are gonna be together.
i'm scared because i dont know how to handle it well....

things changed so much for me these days..
but i know... at the bottom part... i still love him.

there are too many things i need to work on my own.
and there are so much he didnt know about me, or he couldnt satisfy me.
i was hiding everything from him coz i was scared of him..
but i guess from today.. if i wanna be fair to him and fair to myself.. i should open up more,
share the real self of me with him... make him part of myself instead of.... just the guy i'm trying to love.

give me some time..
i do love him, otherwise i wont be here.. and i wont talk to him..
im the one who should apologize.

>>November 7, 2009 at 11:07:49 AM GMT+8

2009 年 11 月 5 日 星期四 【晴】

hello.

hummm now it's 5 17 pm, outside is already all dark like evening already.

i have no interests to stay in the living room. i dont know, just dont like it anymore.
it's better to stay in my room.

like yesterday, i didnt really go jogging. i was just doing some shopping, and then back home resting, and then
did some cleaning. yea, finally. then i made dinner for myself. it's weird to cook that less, but yea, that's okay.
i made dinner, i ate it. stephen wasnt home. then.... yea... i was resting in my room, then i did the dishes..
i had a shower before... then i dont know, he had some guest last night. she's called Ashley. well, i have heard of
her a lot actually. and of course i know what've been going on between them. it's something i dont want to know
about. coz... i'm so tired of this shit already. sometimes i would wonder, if he wants her, why not just take her,
and let me go. coz this is the simplest way to settle it. why guys are so selfish and greedy? he doesnt really make
me cry anymore. really. i might tear up a bit, but... not like.... heart broken or anything that hurt. its just...... like.....
why should i be sad. it's not my problem. i'm not unwanted. even when sometimes he doesnt want me to be ard, it
doesnt mean anything. coz i'm just unwanted by someone who doesnt know about me or doesnt care about me.
if he doesnt care about me, why should i care about the whole situation. coz in the end, i might not end up being
with someone like this, right? whatever he says now, it doesn mean it would last. whatever he says he would do,
he could change his mind. and the history has proved it all. i'm alone. yes, i am. i'm just doing what he wants me to do,
doing his wishes. i m not living my life, it's his life. and so...... i'm trying to do what i like to do, live my life the way i like.

i dont want to be selfish or unfair to him... and i still havent really spoken to him about the problems yet..
i'm still... observing. you know... everyday, every moment in these 3 years something is every chances that we
could have... if he has ever tried to understand and put me before himself, he would have realized how difficult i have
been feeling. but a guy who has been fail to think for me for 3 years, why the hell should i still be waiting for him?

love.... what is love? i just dont feel the same anymore.

today... i went to West Broadway. it was cool. i took the sky train today. the 98 B-Line is canceled. oh i miss that.
but that's okay... the sky train is nice. then... yea..... i bought a pair of boots, $30 bucks... what else can i say...
then i also went to Chapters. i wanted to get the GRE book. i'm going to buy it next week. i wanted to go jogging, but
it's raining. so... guess maybe tomorrow or next week.

i wanna start preparing the GRE now. if i rush up, i might be able to catch up with the submission in Jan... but....
i'm not so in a rush.. so....... i m thinking take things slow, but do a really good GRE and retake TOEFL nicely, then
i might be able to get Scholarship. i wanna get well prepared for that... that's what i would like to do in my life.
if i can take my Master degree and finally working as some professional, i would be so proud of myself. coz this
job is gonna be able to help more ppl, and also what i'm interested in, i mean Psychology.. and then if i dont like it,
i might just work as a teacher later on. but still, i could fulfill my wishes and hopes. i wanna work in the helping
professions. even if i cant, at least i have tried. it's all that counts.

>>November 7, 2009 at 1:50:48 AM GMT+8

2009 年 11 月 5 日 星期四 【晴】

hello..

these few days, i have been resting, doing some shopping, settling things down..
i bought lots of kitchen stuffs and some other things, trying to make myself home and need to get my stuffs organized.
coz i guess soon i would have some work to do. otherwise, i'm gonna be so bored and mad.

i am having lunch outside these days, it's quite expensive... well for me it is, coz at the moment, i still havent started
making any income... so, $6 or $7 @ lunch is like $50-$60@ in HK. i dont eat that much or expensive in HK.
then at night, i need to make dinner for my own. i'm not gonna depend on him, coz it's impossible so. living here is kind
of weird, coz i would need to separate everything with the others in this house, and there are different rules.
i'm not like a part of the family, but everyone is independent here, well i must be THE MOST independent here.
Ayako and he are like family... they would share this and share that, she would take care of the laundry, he would
cook and do shopping for her. i'm his so-called girlfriend, but i'm buying all the kitchen stuffs like salt, sugar, oil,
pepper, food on my own. and i even have my own pots and pans. he still has guests at night visiting him, and while
there's some guest, i would be upstair or in my room. the only thing connect us is.... perhaps when he wants a
good massage before sleep or i guess weekend we would spend time together. on the weekend, while we are
doing shopping, we are doing his shopping, or maybe i just dont feel like to do my own shopping with him as well.
sigh. is it what a couple life should be like?

honestly, i dont feel like to complain coz i know he wont like it, and as i said i'm fed up already.

i was so happy that i saw chestnuts another day, i was gonna buy some... and then i saw very nice and big
rasin =P i wanna buy some for my family.. then yea, have been browsing around for the christmas gifts for my
family. this year, i'm gonna be alone for christmas maybe. he doesnt celebrate for christmas, right? i dont know..

outside is very windy and rainy today... i want to go jogging, but i guess i cant now.. but then also.. i need to do
some cleaning as well.

sometimes i guess he wants to train me to be tougher or more independent whatever. but the thing is...
he is not a good trainer then. i'm not his daughter or maid. i'm his gf.

b.r.b...

>>November 5, 2009 at 6:17:21 PM GMT+8

2009 年 11 月 1 日 星期日 【晴】

Hi...

Cas is in Van..
well.... it's very complicated.
i feel very complicated actually.

i guess most of the ppl think i am happy. i do feel happy about coming back here. it feels good.
at the same time, i see Stephen. hummmm... he seems treating me better than before. but that's just the first two days.
i landed on Sat, and i was really tired, getting over with my jet lag and settling down my mood and everything.
i have a bigger room this time.. everything was set... it's good, it's my fav colour pink.. and a tv in my room.. and
much more space... then yesterday, Sunday... we went out doing some shopping, just talking and shopping.
same same.. but... this time, i'm no longer as nervous anymore. not much expectations as well. dont know why.
well... i dont know. and........ i guess i'm just tired of all the romantic dramas, like... everytime i was just hopeful
for this or that, then at the end i was very disappointed and he didnt even know about it. it's like i was creating
romantic dreams on my own, and he wasnt really into that, and he didnt actually participate as in... playing the
bf role. so.... i guess i just wake up and get tired of everything already.... well... 3 years already.

then.. now i'm just i dont know... gonna be myself. just like... more like.... treating him as a friend, but a very...
special friend, coz anyway he's special in my heart.. it's slightly different than just any other good friend..
coz... still, i realize something is different about him in my heart. but if it doesnt work out, i wont blame anyone
or myself.. i just let it be. i dont wanna force myself or anyone, right? i do love him... but if i m so stressed or
unhappy with him all the time, then what's the point? so far, just the first two days, cant really see much..
he asked me last night if i's ready to be with him from now on... i didnt know what the answer him..
i took a second thought.. then i said yes. i didnt know if he meant it when he asked, or just that moment he
wanted to hear something sweet. that's good moment to ask, but..... also not a very good moment to ask..
anyway... yea... i'm here...

everytime, when i was here, i thought i had a boyfriend here. everything felt so different.
but actually everytime i was disappointed coz i worked so hard for our relationship but i didnt see much that
i could get from it. this time... yea, i have a boyfriend here. especially everyone has been asking about him
and asking about us... then yea, i do have a boyfriend here. but is he really mine? i'm so sorry but to be
frankly, it's not like......hummm... it doesnt feel like 100% belongingness. i know we see things from different
perspectives. and i cant disagree with his. i respect what he thinks... but at the same time, i cant deny on
what i feel, coz that's so real. so....... it's like... very complicated for me. i dont want to bring it up till i really
know what's going on, you know... it's scary for me. and i dont want to freak him out. i just want to take things
slow, and see clearly... coz... he does deserve that and... its not like i wanna take it as whatever. i'm very
serious about us... and so.... dont wanna just end it with such confusion. i hope it works out, and i dont know..
we'll see..

so yea....

i'm going to get some lunch first..

>>November 2, 2009 at 7:53:18 PM GMT+8

2009 年 10 月 28 日 星期三 【晴】

it's been a while i havent come here..

it's been sad for me... to say good bye to all my students and work mates at work,
then also my friends, and.. my family.

my students were so nice to me.. they made me a card in class on my last day last night..
i was so impressed and so touched. they stayed after class to finish the card, even though
it was 10 pm already. and they were so sweet.. they wanted me to stay. well, we always
have fun in class . but... i cant. and the fact is... it's really rare these days. and i'm surprised
that not only them those F3 students but... same situation with every classes that i have.
i dont want to go seriously. this is what i like to do... i spent time doing prep for my students,
i checked their work and left long comments, i taught them something not from the book..
i gave them extra information, i make jokes in class with them, i played with them, i laughed
with them.. they are my friends. i'm gonna missthem so much... so much. i remember last night
was so funny.. they wrote some random notes on a piece of paper... i got that, and it was
totally random that's why so funny... and then i draw them, pictures, on the board.
in between, one of the student came out and snatched that. it was so funny. i know they are
naughty, i know... but when they do work, they can handel that. i dont wanna leave.. being
with my students are the happiest time. then being with my friends and family make me so warm.
i just dont want to leave HK.. coz.... in Van, there would be only me.

like last Sat was my last day at Shau Mau Ping... it was great. i had lots of fun with the kids..
and i love them. i felt sad to leave.

today is also my last day in CityU... Dr.Li was so nice.. she talked with me... she asked me
to keep in touch with her.. she would like to hire me again. i was very happy. seriously.

these few days, i had been giving candies or chocolate to the students.. not for celebration,
but sort of like.. thanks them for having classes with me. it's weird, but... i dont know.. i'm sad
to go, but i want them to be happy.

i dont wanna leave home, dont wanna leave my students, dont wanna leave my jobs, dont
wanna leave HK... but i'm really leaving. and i'm not ready.

i got a mesg from Carole.. she said she would like to see me before i go..
so i dropped by today at Elchards.. then i chatted with Shan, Ella, and Carole..
it's fun.. just like the old days.. i miss them. i miss Shan the most, then Ella... Ella used to be
like my big sister and also a troublesome boss. hahaha..

i went back to playland this morning, just to say bye to some of my baby students...
i missed them so much. they all grew up! it's so nice to see them.

then... grandpa has been in and out the hospital... hummmmm kindda worried for him.
have been visiting him with mom when i'm free. then also spent lots of time with my
family especially my parents.

i dont know exactly when i would come back to HK, if its soon or very late... and i think once
i'll be back, everything is gonna be different again. seriously, i'm not so excited about all
these changes happening all the time. it's very difficult for me. i easily make bonding with
ppl, and saying bye easily upset me. especially when i know that what i'm gonna face wont
be easy for me, how am i supposed to deal all these by myself?

i'm always lonely, and i know i'm not supposed to be coz i have a bf already.
the thing is..... my bf doesnt seem like my bf.. and i feel like i have no one.. he just wouldnt
understand, well at least he cant show me that he does.

well, i'm going over.

>>October 29, 2009 at 3:14:19 PM GMT+8

2009 年 10 月 22 日 星期四 【晴】

actually... i'm just a bad person.

anyway... i worked today at CityU... was really tired...
then... i hanged around... and met up with mom... then my family and auntie had hot pot tonight.
i'm really really tired.. i couldnt sleep last night. i only slept for less than 3 hrs..
then... tomorrow i still need to go to Shau Mau Ping. sigh. last day there.
i still have a lot of work to do for CityU.. hummmm hope i would finish them soon.

i posted on Facebook that, i'm tired, and i'm afraid..
again, Kim asked me what happened, this time he sent a private mesg.. hummm... well..
tired of all the thoughts.. afraid of all the changes. but i do need changes, coz changes would make me move on.
but i still believe that i do have my choices, and i do mean it.

today is the first time i ever felt angry at Ying... sigh.. she's just a young child sometimes. whatever, i'm not expecting
anything from her, and i cant anyway... i just wish her all the best coz i do care about her. and i do mean everything
i said to her. so... yea... maybe one day she would understand. i hope... coz she's really special to me.

i posted one of the songs i like on Facebook..
my friends like it too.. well... the song said... being too good to ppl usually would fail the relationship..
i used not to believe it, but somehow i find it true these days. i used to say when the bad guy met the nice girl,
he would fall for her, but i didnt say the rest... coz i didnt know for sure.. but now i guess the bad guy would only
break that good girl's heart. so, what's the point?

the song is basically talking about..... being the one who got cheated is actually the worse person, than the
one who cheated. coz accepting being cheated, blinding her eyes are the most stupid things in the world, and that's
coz she's just too nice to that guy. and you know the one who is watching the girl being cheated again and again
felt even hurt... coz he cant do nothing about that but only watching. he has been waiting and wants to protect her
but nothing he could do. she just wouldnt listen, wouldnt open her eyes. no matter what he said, how true he was,
she just wouldnt listen.

sigh. sad.

>>October 23, 2009 at 8:12:45 PM GMT+8

2009 年 10 月 22 日 星期四 【晴】

Hello..

i'm same same.. nothing very special.

i have been working and resting.
it's okay. everything is fine... except got really pissed by a few students. i was quite tired that day, and those two
boys were driving me nuts. i couldnt stand them, then i asked them to stay after class. i confronted them what the
heck happened in class.. then they actually just played around. then... yea... other classes were fine.
i would miss there so much. some students were very nice to me. omg, i m gonna miss them so much... i laughed
so much in class actually. they are very funny and it always make me forget the problems i'm dealing with.

recently, i just thought of the ring. i dont know if it's still there.. or if it was even fixed or not....
i kind of expect that i would never see it again. what a pity... after 2 times broken, the stone was gone and found,
then... it's back to Stephen.. but.... he didnt fix it... and it actually didnt mean anything to him. actually the last day,
i did remember it in the morning when i got up... but after awhile, i just forgot about it... and i wanted a pic with him,
then in the end i forgot about the ring... i remember i sms him at the airport.. he said he would mail me. but....
i'd never seen it coming my home... how many months already? i wonder if he actually still know where he put it.
i dont even want to ask him actually. coz.... it's like..... if he wants to send me, he would have done it already.
why he didnt want to send then? well, a thousand million reasons. but none of them is real.. all are just the
excuses, and i dont want to hear them seriously. i think the real reason is it just doesnt matter to him, and he doesnt
care if it matters to me. you know.. i have been wearing it for 2 years and half until the stone fell off... and i didnt
know actually the ring meant nothing to him until i lost the stone. so... at the beginning, the ring has never meant
anything special. it's me so silly keep wearing it, and took it so seriously, coz that's also the only thing he has
ever given me. but now, it's gone as well.. so....... that's it. and also the end of its story.

talking about the money he was going to sponsor me, i still dont see it happened, or.. say... when the cheque would
come, i would be very busy to take care of it, coz probably would be the last day before i m going over...
or it might not make it. sigh.. i dont know... i couldnt understand why we couldnt do the transfer, then... dont even
bother to figure out how to use the paypal coz it'd never worked for me actually. and he knew it. and about the
cheque or transfer, there were about a whole month for us to take care of it, but still... nothing happened.
like what i said.. whenever i expected something from him, like seriously, then it wouldnt have happened.. and now
i just stop expecting anything from him. coz there's no points. and maybe that's what he expects me to do?
i dont wanna be unfair to him, but the fact is... it's still the same. i dont know what to do with that..

i went to the hospital to visit grandpa today... he seems okay but i dont know.. i wish him well, i do...
he has helped me a lot, and he's very nice to me.. so... i do hope he would be fine and get well soon..

sometimes i wonder... what a relationship is supposed to be like...
sweet? happy? intimate? what if i cant feel them at all? so... what about trust and companionship?
i would trust him that he would tell me almost everything.. but... when it comes to choices, i also believe that
he would always put himself before me, which actually quite unequal to me, coz... i have always been putting
him before myself. he's always my first priority. so... is the trust still valid or balanced? i trust him he wouldnt
easily fall for other girls, but still other friends/ ppl have something i dont have, which is the freshness. and so,
there's 100% sure that i'm not comparable with any new ppl in his eyes. and the thing is, why should i compare
myself with them? coz the thing is..... i just shouldnt feel sad anymore. but then everytime i gotta admit that,
it kindda feels like whenever there's a second choice, it'd be always me. and i'm surprised that i could actually
accept it till now. and then... one day, when i need him to stay with me, but there's someone else, would he
choose to go out with that friend or he would stay with me? so... guess i would lose the companionship as well.
so........... i would have... nothing.

sometimes, i wonder when he shares with me about his thinking... i wonder why he wants to share with me..
i do appreciate his honesty, coz it's super important to me.. but then.... it makes me think that... there're always
something i need to know about him and that would need me to turn off my mind, to accept him. actually... i'm
not God.. i'm just a girl... there are so many things i wanna do too, so many things i wanna have too, but i cant
have them all. and i need to adjust myself in my life for the others too.. can he just stop and take a min to look
at what i actually want and like? i'm so bloody tired.









>>October 22, 2009 at 6:51:33 PM GMT+8

2009 年 10 月 18 日 星期日 【晴】

i dont know who you are... but please respect me... this is my very personal entry..
so... if it's possible, please dont read it. thank you...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

tell me what should i do?

i'm leaving, but all of the sudden i dont want to leave.
i thought it's right to do, but now i'm all confused.

it feels like.... if i didnt know so much, it wouldnt be as complicated for me...
but if i didnt know that much, i would be living in the dreams, but it's not a happy dream, even though i dont see how
happy i am either. i dont even know... i mean... how could that possibly that slow and stupid i am, i have never
felt so strong and to admit.... how lonely and unhappy i actually am. and i ask myself why... why i am in a relationship
but i'd never felt like i am.. i have seen so many couples, i have heard about their stories, i have witnessed many
ups and downs including myself... i just....... it's just too late for me to admit that i am... not satisfied at all, and i couldnt
even say my boyfriend would understand.. coz apparently he doesnt know. and i dont know how to let him
understand without disappointing him. i seriously want to reconsider what i should do next..

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

the biggest part of the today entry has been cut out by me already..
the reasons is.... simple... just... want to protect him. how silly i am.



>>October 19, 2009 at 8:11:42 PM GMT+8

2009 年 10 月 16 日 星期五 【晴】

hello..

yea.. it's been a few days i havent came here...
i've been asking myself different questions, then have been busy with some work..

i just left a message on my facebook.. ppl started replying,... i guess some ppl get the idea that
i am really leaving, very soon. i didnt notice much ppl about leaving. coz i have never really been
ready to release the news and saying goodbye. Shan, Ivy, Karen, Alessja, knew about it..
they are my buddies and best friends here... then Jackie also knew it, coz she's my best friend..
then, Cyn and Dan knew it last week, my counsins Kathy and Jackson knew it just yesterday.
most of my relatives and all my other friends dont know about it.

i wrote... Actually, HK is very beautiful too. there are many ppl. things, and places that i couldnt
let go of, esp ppl. Henry saw it and left me a mesg.. he asked me to stay. Dorothy asked if i am
leaving to B.C. again or getting married. i didnt know what to say... i have a plan, with him...
so i have to go... i have to keep my promise, and i have to deal with our plan. i'm not getting marry.
not yet. honestly, i dont see myself as a bride of his. i dont think i can any soon. i'm not in a rush
anymore, i'm not waiting... i dont think we are on that page, at least not now.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

hummm back to Wed... i had my schedule from 9 30 to 4 pm at CityU... then rushing to Nam Tin,
classes from 5 15 to 10 pm. it was crazy... i was so tired... i got there at CityU on time, but had
been waiting till 11 30 am... so 2 hrs haning around with a coffee... then rushing my work from
11 30 am till 3 pm, coz my room was not available at 3 - 4 pm actually.. so... 6.5 hrs work became
3.5 hrs in needed. and i'm talking about i had a lot of leftover from the last shift. so... extra work
to do... i skipped my lunch time.. i only had a black coffee as my breakfast till 3 pm. then i just
grabbed some energy bar, and i just ate half of it as my late lunch, then rushed to Nam Tin for
my classes. but it was lucky i got off at 3 at CityU.. so i got another 30 mins, i seat at Starbucks
in Nam Tin for some hot soy milk... i was really tired... then i continued with some paper work
for City...

i had 3 classes at Nam Tin... it was okay... not too bad.... the late class was always funny as
usual. they are very funny and i dont know... i would miss my classes so much, like SO MUCH.
then.. Ying was so funny, she gave me that look in class. i was like hahaha i wanted to laugh it
out loud... then... they saw me sneaking out for my drink, then they were trying to cover for me.
and.. i dont know... we are like friends, and i am surprised my students do like me.. boys and
girls.. they like my calsses, they like my style of teaching and different things.. the way i treat
them..... i'm happy to be with them too. they are not only my students, but... like my friends. i care
about them, i do. i like it when i know what i do could give them positive influence in their life.
i like it when they reciprocated positively. i like it when they need something or want something
in class, like knowledge and chatting time, joking time, i like it coz we could communicate and
they could get what the need, and they show me that it is what they want. they are happy to
come to the class, they are happy to learn without much stress, they are learning something
new each time, and they have fun.

in the second class... some students got the fight with my partner, i mean another teacher..
they were soooo mad at her.. and she took them out of the classroom and scolded them.
when they came back one by one, i sorted of talking with them. i just think... these days, some
"teachers" they really think they are teachers, then they dont need to care about how they
feel or how to respect them. i totally understand why she was mad at the students, coz sometimes
they really had bad attitude, and they did make some mistakes. but you know teenagers,
if you wanna deal with them, want them to at least to try to listen to you, you cant act like the
queen to them, coz they wont care. they are rebellious. i discussed with those two students,
and then they told me why they were so mad at her. and they even told me, they wanted to
quit. they learnt better when i was teaching. if it wasnt me in the class, they have quitted already.
i was shocked... coz in fact i know i'm leaving. then he said he was "giving me face" coz i'm
a good teacher, and then he broke his pen into two pieces. like a nice pen. i was stunned.
and the other one came into the office after my partner.. then he was making face and whispering
FUCK you at her back. i saw it, and i looked at him.. he saw me then he stopped. i wonder how
come my partner is their class teacher, but she couldnt handle her students.

Ying asked me to stay after class.. i was teaching her homework accompany her for another
45 mins? it was late... i left ard 10 40 pm.... it was for free. it's okay.. i dont do it for everyone..
but she's smart and she desires to learn.. and she's fun.. i like seeing her actually.

i took train and a taxi home... too tired... then... yea... was still chatting on line..
i've been sleeping very late lately.. like... ard 3 or 4 in the morning. it's crazy.
i cant sleep early.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

then on Thurs... i went to the salon, and i got my hair done. FINALLY. hahaha... i love my new
hair. it's great, pretty and sexy. i love it. just new colour on my hair, trimp a little bit.. more
fashionable and sexy. it's pretty. i spent a whole day there.. and it was cheapper than i thought.

it was kind of funny... coz my hair stylist Michael he chatted with me.. he told me he had attended
a lot of weddings this year and last year.. i told him i have some friends married this year too..
some of my schoolmates when i was in Canada have already married and given birth already..
4 of them. i was like surprised. then he asked me when will it be my turn. i was so fast, i said NO WAY.
i told him not any soon. i realized something's weird from my reaction.. it just came so natural that
i know i dont want to get married yet... or... why i feel weird, coz i used to want to marry him..
but these days....... no.. it's a huge step, and... no. i cant marry him yet. i dont know if it's just personal
about myself. i just cant see how different my life would be like in a marriage. i cant see how happy
or excited i would be in a marriage. i just worry my life would become even more boring, or i would
need to face even more problems between us. it's been 3 years already, and i dont see myself happy.
i dont see him done anything trying to make me happy. then i thought about myself, what i have done.
then i see the difference. isnt it ironic.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

then yesterday, Fri.. i got up late.. then i had lunch with my parents... then cam home working on
the files for CityU. it was crazy again... i was sooooooooooooo tired and lazy.. i kept working
then stopped for awhile, then worked again, stoped again... sigh... and i was a bit stressed,
coz i knew it was due by last night. then it's so much work to do... then this morning i need to
get to Shau Mau Ping. i was like... omg.. fucking hate going there.. and i still havent prepared
for my classes. i simply didnt want to prepare much.

evenutally, i was chatting with Ying and working on my files for CityU... then yea these days
we have been chatting a lot on msn and on phone.. she got my number.. and she mesged me
and called me sometimes.. we chat everyday.. then... yea.... i slep at almost 5 am this morning..

i got up ard 8 40 am... then got ready to work... i went to Shau Mau Ping...
it wasnt as bad as the last time.. i dont know... and i prepared some stickers, Uno, some candies...
and i knew the students already... and i bought myself a coffee this time.

i was quite surprised about today's lessons.. coz both were fine, and actually they were good.
and i saw different teachers today, and they were fine. i asked for colour pen, they have..
they gave me crayons and colour pencils. and i asked for extra paper, they gave me this time.
i dont let the other teacher involved too much in my class, and it was fine. the children were
okay today. so yea... it was good. their levels are quite varied.. but i make sure everyone could
learn something new every times. it's just based on their leavel. so yea, quite challenging,
but okay... but today is the 2nd time they are seeing me... and the next time would be the last time.
time flies. i'm really leaving.

after work.. i went to TST.. just wanna walk around..

i saw some new places in TST. it was so beautiful. i'd never seen it in TST before..
then i went to Harbour City.. and i passed by Star House McDonald's... the place i used to
work at. i saw my buddy Surin there. i miss her! i said hi to her. so happy to see her. she is now
promoted as the head girl there. haha... i miss working there. we used to be in teh same team,
the customer servie and public relationships team... it was always busy and challenging..
it's so tiring but so much fun. i miss there.. when i saw the tables, the decor, some were
changed, but not all.. so... i kindda miss that..

then i just walked around.. and i bought the prefume. my fav is the Vara Wang Princess- Pink.
and they have the Black, rocking black. i wanted it since last year... but never bought it...
but today they have huge discount.. and i just want new prefume... i got the one from the Body Shop,
but i want this Black one actually too.. so.. i just buy it for myself as a gift.

i came home... very tired...
Ying told me she lost her volleyball game. she seems okay, i hope she is fine.
anyway... i would go to take a rest and have dinner first..

hummmmmmmm... i am going back to Van, that's the fact.
i have a lot changes to deal with.. i need to face a lot of problems and new stuffs in my life..
i have quitted my everything in HK, have changed myself so much, just so as to... be with him. but i am not happy.
you know the stress i have actually is pretty high. and i know sometimes even the closest dont understand me
that much. anyway, i'm not getting married untill i could make sure it's 100% right thing to do with him.

it's not about love... it's about how to love... i'm tired.

i wanna be patient with myself.

sometimes ppl just actually dont know me.
they just want me to become what they want me to be. but that's not me. sometimes i wasnt
quite confident infront of some ppl, coz i cant, and it's not supposed to be. so now, i just wanna be
myself, and i got to be strong. coz i deserve a happy life.




>>October 17, 2009 at 7:03:54 PM GMT+8