finally me and ben....
being together again.
i ve no comments at all.
*queenie, or agnes, i guess if you guys would talk about that begind me? =P
haha.... i dont care, anyway tell me what you guys 's conclusion, ok? *
i ve no comments at all... just know we're just tring again, no one could promise
what will happen.
and i dont think that we can really ... or eventually ... you know what i mean,
but, at least we try.
all is just like the start now,
i dont ve strong feelings with him now... that's all what i wanna say.
but maybe something amazing will happen on us? haha... i dont know.
dont ask me why me and dong eon cannot be together, or why dont just try...
i dont think it's the right time to talk about other men.
i just give ben and me a chance to start again, so...
i dont think it's ok to talk about that...
ben, my darling... he knows...
about... me and my friends.... re quite closed sometimes, especially dong eon.
he 's jealous.
but...
i found that i cannot, or not able to DONT develope closer relationship with ppl.
men or ladies...
me... since borned, ve this kind of gense i guess haha...
aiya...
i feel not good by the way.
coz.... my boyfriend and me try again,
but seems like there'll be lots of problems in front.
i dont know if i decide right or not.
but, i'd never regreted i know, so, i'l not regret for that,
and if we 're fail,... then,... it's still not as the failure, but experience.
i guess darling's...confused and feeling not good for what i'm saying here.
but, no one can confues me anymore, especially him.
coz i dont want to spend too much time on the relationship.
but actually i do, haha...
i used to love this man alot, and now, we try again.... good or not, depends....
but, if it doesnt work,
no regrets at all.
>>May 24, 2005 at 3:52:42 AM GMT+8
2005 年 5 月 22 日 星期日 【晴】
that day after lunch, i feel better,
but anyway, i still hang out after school, i didnt drink,
but i went home late, really late. of course i remember what my parents and aunt said.
anyway...
things happening...
then last night, here's 9:35 am already.
then i go out after lunch, coz really boring.
then... i didnt expect will meet who, i just know i need to go out breath.
then finally i called taku,
when i was out, i also meet dong eon.
then we go to his friend's home to cook,
then we go out for karaoke,
last night finally i cannot go home.
i didnt drink much.... really really really few.
that's impolite, but i remember what i promised.
i stay at hid home again.
this time, we share bed, but of course not thing happened.
dont worry, i really know our relationship is ust friendship.
i'll go home later.
but i got the e-mail from darling.
hum,......
last few times, chaating with him just made me cry again and again,
so.... that's unable to continue speaking with him like that way...
so...
but now i ve to make my decision today or in these few days.
i know i cannot escape anymore.
hum,....
jesus.....
i pray... i ask... what should i do....
i really feel terrible.
>>May 22, 2005 at 5:00:24 PM GMT+8
2005 年 5 月 20 日 星期五 【晴】
hi..
i've been here almost one month already.
anyway, happy birthday to jackie first,
i've forggoten 19th. argh...
anyway,
today is frieday, i'm fine, just go to school ve workshop, then
go out with kiana, we ve lunch at mcdonald's, then we hang out...
at down town, i've brought a cap, that's useful for me now...
coz sometimes raining, i better ve one.
that's quite expensive, but i really like it, so i just buy it.
$ 25 cad, including tax.
anyway....
that day i typed my diary at school, morning,
then i go ve my lessons...
i cannot concentrate on lessons...
my tears fell... but, i control it really well.
coz i just wanna take my lesson first.
so, break time, lunch time i disappeared.
i keep myself away from them sometimes, when i feel sad.
coz... just dont wanna bring them sadness.
but i know they're all really worry for me.
hum....
they come to talk to me....
and...
i really cried at lunch time.
that day i really had a nice mocha, coz of raining...
after lunch,
>>May 21, 2005 at 6:15:47 AM GMT+8
2005 年 5 月 18 日 星期三 【晴】
hello guys..
long time vent come here.
yup, there're lots of things happning now.
at first, i dont know how to express my feelings,
i know now, i'm always feeling well with someone,
but i still love my boyfriend.
i also know... that's impossible ...
coz since you love someone, you shouldnt be ablle to ve feelings with others.
but now, that's my case...
so... i guess there's something happened already in my mind,
then telling me something's wrong.
last night i've talk with ben, my boyfriend,
then... he cares for me so much...
i couldnnt accpet that so suddenly he turn arround me saying sweetly.
and finally i told him my feelings...
i'm not his girlfriend, but pet for him.
he shouldnt expect that everytime when he suddenly come back that i can
talk to him so sweetly... i cannot do that.
and my feelings is like everytime pissed off by him, but i tell myself giving one more chance,
but it's never end.
i felt too tired already.
if there's no other guy coming towards me, then he wouldnt care for me that much,
he said coz never someone so closed with me.
yup... so that's the problem.
i'm always his girlfriend, but for him... i'm just the cat for him.
he appologize, he said he 'd never thought i've this feelings...
and i cry...
i did, but very short time.
he still wants me...
but i said i'm no ok.
i need time to think of it, and i think he does too.
i wanna start again, but i dont ensure if it works.
he told me he'll disappear forever, if i choose to break up.
and he asked me to blocked him...
he couldnt take the second panic time in his life ...
same here...
he admited he was so wrong.
he said he's a jerk...
i dont know what to say...
i still wanna be with him, but i'm really changed.
and i feel nice with my life here... so what should i do?
i just dont want to.... be ... so upset again then again.
that's too painful and tired.
he said might be i just cannot ve faith in him again.
i dont know.
if we wanna start over.... then why not just forget the past?
i dont know... i feel... so terrible now.
i dont know who i can trust on to.
my best friend agnes knows it already, so fast. i told her this morning.
i'll let jackie knows also...
then,.... that guy, i dont know how he thinks.
but he knows i've problems with my boyfriend too.
he just said... forgetting is better for me if i really stuggle in it.
i dont know...
i'm lost now....
ben knows it too...
god blessing...
you know,
that day i get into the wrong bus, i didnt know that,
two buses came together, i thought they're the same.
then i know something wrong, so i asked the driver,
then i get off the bus,
run to the other stop,
then i get on it,
i found it,... i still can catch up the bus i 'm supposed to be on.
that's like the sences from jesus.
i'm always forget something important to me,
always doing something wrong,
but finally when i wake up, i still ve chances to get back with the best one,
that jesus prepare for me already.
>>May 19, 2005 at 4:02:00 PM GMT+8
2005 年 5 月 16 日 星期一 【晴】
today i'm terrible.
i feel so sleepy, and sick for my skin.
today i got back the test result, nice.
and,... i'm so sleepy... coz of the medicine.
today i'll sleep earlier.
perhaps my skin will get well soon and my period problem too.
anyway,...
just now i've talked with darling again.
in these days, we always argue..
i know coz i'm changed. but i cannot control it,
he always ask me to wake up,
what wake up? i dont know why.
i come here ... for what? what the hell i'm doing here?
i come for studies right? then i study well.
but i feel so lonly cant i?
so i hang out with friends only one day/week.
it's not too much i guess.
here's life style is like that, friday ppl go out for dinner or drink.
yup, i drink for fun with ppl, but i'm not drunk what.
i know he cares for that much,... but... why i dont want to listen to him?
i used to listen to him... but now i'm changed.
he said i'm too confident for what i'm doing.
actually, am i ?
i'm just being normal, in hk i dont drink coz i cant.
and actually the culture is different.
ppl here drinks for gathering, for fun.
but in hk... bad ppl go for drink.
here's different. just different.
yea i know he's jealous about dong eon.
what's for? if we're being well, then who can snach me from him huh?
he quit smoking already. he doesnt smoke now...
is it too late?
or... he's so worried that what hppened on my side here,
is it too late?
i shouldnt drink, but i started, he didnt stop me, but now try to stop me,
is it too late already?
i used to love him really really much, i do everything just for him,
but everytime he disappointed me again and again,
i cannot build the trust with him now, is it too late already?
or it's all just my bad again?
i didnt understand how hard he worked, how bad he felt...
so all is my bad right...?
yea, i'm being good with my friends now,
but so what, we're just friends only.
yup, me and darling just started out as good friend too,
but so what. they're different.
who's more important in my life and who occupied the more important place
in my heart? that's him for sure.
but now.... i know i got changed.
it's my fault is it? i just wanna say i cannot control my changed being here.
but i used to love him soooo much too.
but why... suddenly i lose my confident with him again.
coz... he disspear again suddenly,
and i just cannot accept that again then again.
i feel... so tired already.
i dont know what to do.
i dont know why i got this feelings.
i dont want to break up with him that's real.
but i also dont know what to do with that feelings too.
i cannot forgive myself on that.
i used to think i will not get changed.
but i do.
there re lotssss of red spots on my skin now,
really bad.
maybe i'll not go to school on tuesday.
>>May 16, 2005 at 3:02:58 AM GMT+8
2005 年 5 月 14 日 星期六 【晴】
"Conscience and self-love, if we understand our true happiness,
always lead us the same way."
Joseph Butler
i got problems in myself....
lastnight we go to ve movie and drink then dinner then drink.
i didnt drink much.... but fast,
so... i fell uncomfortable with my skin now.
yesterday i cried sooo much...
out of control, after drinking.
hummm i cannot forgive myself...
coz i'm a christain.
i went to dong eon 's home to sleep last night.
just back this morning...
there's a rely long story, but he wants me to keep secert.
so...
i'll sleep well first, then start studying...
good luck everyone,
pray hard...
>>May 15, 2005 at 1:45:56 AM GMT+8
2005 年 5 月 12 日 星期四 【晴】
hihi...
today, before i ent to school,
i saw his brother's girlfriend on line.... hummm she's sherry.
oh... nice name.
i think she knows who i'm.
hummm i miss him...
but life got changed here... so...
ppl who knows me, they'd know what happened,
here's not the right place to write about...
coz i'm not sure yet....
and i 'm just a bit affraid.
actually, i dont know what to say.
i feel sleepy...
hum,... i 've taken one class of ht already.
that's nice, i could handel it =) heehee
but if i go change my class, then i'm not able to.... ve class
with my friends.
hum....
yea...
i'm thinking of it...
tomrrow is the due date...
anyway,
i've wrote my alesjia and dong eon some messages,
for supporting and apprication =)
anyway, god bless us...
i miss him!
>>May 13, 2005 at 5:49:41 AM GMT+8
2005 年 5 月 11 日 星期三 【晴】
hey!
today, we ve quiz...
hum... last night i didnt preprare well...
so today i'm a bit... stressed...
but finally it's past =) and i'm fine!
you know, i'm being in... some problems now, beside with him.
perhaps i'll be fine...
hummmmm....
yea!
this friday we will go movie =)
looking forward it.
and last night i've talk with my darling,
well it's fine. hee.
i've told him...
i cannot carry on this relationship without him.
and he says he does... so... i guess he understand what i mean,
if he continue like that, i feel too tough, then someday i wouldnt
be abl to trust him again... that might be his last chance.
coz it's been so long time disappointed me again and again,
and i know... i just couldnt let it always happen,
coz i feel really hard to ve faith with him, that's really bad.
anyway...
let's pray, then wait and see.
i've talk with my mom lastnight =)
pray hard together...
=)
>>May 12, 2005 at 2:10:18 AM GMT+8
2005 年 5 月 10 日 星期二 【晴】
hey...
today i'm totally not in mood...
you know, when i waked up, i saw darling's messages... i'm supprised,
then we've chated for a couple mins, then he slept i went out school.
he told me he'd sms me when he wake up... but till now i dvent got any yet.
but that's supprised...but not that happy at all... how to say...
hummm coz we've argued, then he changed himself?
or... just coz of his good mood, then he becomes nice to me again?
or he's always being so nice, but just coz he was too tired so he forgot to
care for me?
i've talk with my best friends, from here, today.
during break, during lunch...
hummm they all know what's going on, even my aunt. she knows too...
hummmm....
but i think i just need time to firgue out...
or maybe just giving him another chances again!
hummmm that sounds strange lor... coz everytime is like that,
i feel so tired already........ or actually i dont wanna continous?
but,... i just dont know why i ve this kind of thought....
coz i really love this man, but just.... got something changed inside.
maybe... it's just... like... " yi jin xin dan le "
he has lots of bads, also has lots of goods....
i think we need something...... that's time and chances.
but,... he didnt give me enough. and i'm not sure if we'd be happy along.
i dont want to give up, but now feels like.... " cang bu xia qu le "
i cannot carry on this relationship without his support,
it's not like the past, coz... i'm not like him.....
problems always exist... but he doesnt pay attention on them,
he thinks its normal, just me keep blaming him is bad...?
but i feel uncomfortable with that.
he doesnt wanna change, i dont want to force him too.
so...? how many times we've argued on that such silly stuffs already?
we'd never changed our attitude, right?
hey.....
let's pray huh...
today i've asked about the course, and they said i could try one class first,
yea, on thursday.
hummm...
***
thx for dong eon's cd =)
and,... thx for alesjia and staphine...
Here used to be called Shmoo Sassy Rowdyruff's page. It was a random name i got from The Powerpuff Girls' site. however, i am not that little girl anymore. i'm learning how to live a life now. haha! and this is the pic of my 22nd year in my life, taken in the summer of 2008.
here is like my reference, my history, my story, and the little pieces of memorries in my life. someday when i get old, maybe i would just review my life again. or i can share with my close ones... would they miss me someday? i dont know. i just wanna live my life fully and happily =) with the ppl i love on this planet.
hihi~
hi..
hello guys..
hihi...
Someone who know