2005 年 8 月 17 日 星期三 【晴】

today...
or yesterday...

hummm i feel better now,
much better than the first two days...

i know everyone comes and goes...
lucky that we could meet and being friends, and we had great time,
we miss each othersss...
but,... times go... ppl go....things growth.

for me,...... i still miss them very much,
but life has to go on, like darling said...
so... i guess, i'm better off everyday... coz i learn alot, and i keep learning everyday.

i didnt come to write diary... coz...
i dont want to come... and write...
but....... memorries is just installed already , for life ...sure...
so..... i think they're already in my heart for life.
and i'm just looking forward to the day we'll meet again.
i still keep in touch with them, at least.... jong hoon and hak gon. hahaha...

jong hoon wants more, he wants more connection with me...
that's not good for us i think...
alesja and staphine told me somethign about dong eon,...
and i guess... actually dong eon liked me before.... just he couldnt let me know.
coz i 've already told him my darling got jealous.
alesja said... i broke too much men's hearts... What?!
i dont think so... i'm not sure dong eon liked me or not... by the way,
he doesnt talk to me, he doesnt want to go out with me, too... he's kindda strange.
but alesja asked... how about jong hoon... oh... hum.... i cant help...
i said... jong hoon...... he should know why i rejected him...
but i knew maybe i really gave him wrong message ?......
i just dont want ...

you know...
i dont regret about..... leting him hug me or... whatever...
just... let it go is better.... than whatever....
coz... for me, i really know he's a great guy, but i already have darling,
and i still want darling...
dong eon is great, jong hoon is great!
they're really nice men... but... i cannot ...it's like what i said to dong eon... and...
everyone say i'm stupid...
i know, but... so ?

>>August 18, 2005 at 5:16:56 AM GMT+8

2005 年 8 月 15 日 星期一 【晴】

i was so tired... and quite sleepy..
i was still sad, but.... i think no one wants me to be sad right?

i saw susumu today at school, coz i ve afternoon class, for the last mid term.
susumu cut his hair, he said it's for changing his mind,
today he smile... but i still see his sadness.
susumu is partly korean, coz he spends the most time with all of them.
6 weeks... then make susumu that sad.... but... seems like everyone is moving on.
everyone tries hard.

yesterday, i already saw jong hoon and hak gon on line.
they told me they wanna come back vancouver, and they missed us... haha...
i missed them very much too... i 'm still feeling sad, not completely able to get back life.
but... as i said to jong hoon, we should move on... and that's why i told him to do too.
i want him to move on, and forget me.
mi hyong and alesja look better today...
alesja is moving back too... on sunday.
hummm i know this is the sec time for me to lose my friend, and she's my best friend here.
i think... everyone seems fine, try to move on, right?
i think i can do that too =)
and... i feel better than today morning.

something happened is happened, it means something in our life,
but it doesnt mean they're something we should keep thinking of.
the memorries from them re very very nice for me,
but... darling said... life has to go on.
=) thankyou darling.

my test was terrrible today.
i couldnt imagine how bad it is...
coz i didnt study for that. i couldnt study...
and tomorrow is the project due date.
i got nothing can do... coz i lost something very very important...

write more tomorrow at school.
take care everyone.

>>August 16, 2005 at 5:49:49 AM GMT+8

2005 年 8 月 14 日 星期日 【晴】

i miss them
14.8.05
12:47pm

yesterday they left...
i was at the airport.
i cried a lot.... they huged me.... but i really miss them alot...

then...
me and alesja were so sad to lose them...
we cannot go home, coz we dont want to go home, we dont want to be alone...
we want to get over them together.
then we went to downtown, we went to eng bay... we went to everywhere,
me, she, jong hoon and yang ve been togther.
you know the feelings...... is very very complicated.
we all know they're left, but sounds like they're still here.
and next sunday, alesja's going back to german,
only me staying...
my friends they dont like me... so...
i'll be so lonely... and............... i'm so sad....

there're too much memorries with them.
i met them since thier 3rd week. they just come for 6 weeks.
i didnt want to know them, coz.... i know i would miss them alot alot...
then now i miss them really much.

why stupid castor sit down at the conversation club?
talking with jong hoon about the coins???
hummmmm... i shouldnt go to his home for cooking? the lunch box?
i shouldnt go out with him for movie? i shouldnt go cook for chinese food?
i shouldnt go chinatown and park? i shouldnt go stanly park?
i shouldnt go karoke ? i shouldnt go on robson st??? i shouldnt go to his home for the last dinner.
and i souldnt let him send me to the station.
i gave him the false hope... isnt it?
i'm so stupid... and i know i shouldnt do that... but i just did that.
i know i ve my darling, and i know he should go back.
but why pa bbo castor.... ok... fine... all is over now.

darling doesnt know...
i didnt call him for 5 days already...
but he didnt contact me too... he's too busy.
i dont know how to tell him how much things happened here with me in this short 5 days,
how stupid things happened so fast here with me... everyday is changing,
everything is strong... i'm almost losing my mind...
now they're all left... but sounds like all the things suddenly shutted down.
what happened castor?
why? i cant face this by myself... and i know everyone now is experiencing
the hard feelings, and... tring to move on...
i cant face it by myself... alesja help me...
we face together, we get over them together...

next week, tomorrow i will go to school ... for lunch class,
but school would be soooooooo quiet...
i will feel sooooo sad....
i feel terrible.

how's darling lately?
i really want him to stand by me right now,
at least when i'm tired he'd be here with me.
i love him...
and i hope he understands i suddenly lose around 20 good friends...
especially few of them re my close friends in the past 3 weeks...
i couldnt accept those happened on me too fast too condense....

jesus...
why castor has so much emotions?

>>August 14, 2005 at 8:04:39 PM GMT+8

2005 年 8 月 11 日 星期四 【晴】

hummmm big exam...
i wanna die...
i waked around.... 5 am?
and then... just go to schoo very vetry early, then i stayed at mcdonbald's.,
studying for my exam...

the exam is okok...
but i got back my final result... hummm
i was a bit dissapointed, coz...
i thought i 'd be the... best in class... coz everytime... i got the top result,
but i dont know why... i'm not the best student.... so... hummm i'm a bit shock...

then... we had a great party at joy's home, the teacher's home. great.
we had lots of fun.
this time, i really didnt drink. really didnt drink.
we played games... but i lost i didnt drink, but i had to do other things in stead...
ok...
then i went to downtown with them, very very funny.
i'll miss them of course, they're my friends...

when i came back...
i feel so sad... coz... i think... darling's really angry at me this time...
and... i dont know what to do with that.
today morning cant call him... coz i was so early out today,
he must be working... at mcdonald's cant call, coz ...i was too busy reviewing...
i thought he would e-mailed me... but... i've checked many many times already...
no new mails... till now...
but i know he came on line before... but just...
maybe he's really really angry at me...

so....
am i really that un- considerated? am i really that bad....
now... i'm scared... oh my gog.... i'm that bad...
i've never known before..... i'm so sorry..................

>>August 12, 2005 at 3:35:50 AM GMT+8

2005 年 8 月 10 日 星期三 【晴】

2 nd time to come...

i think... if i were in sg, we could communicate better.

here is my place, but,.... i'm gonna protect the privacy a little bit... for him.
ppl may lose a convinience way to know the real me. especially my close friends in hk...
there's the conflict... but since he's been my focus here for too long,
it doesnt fit my topic at my diary, right?
i'm not going around him everyday, right?
so... here we go!!!... he shouldnt be my topic here for that long =)
...
i'm just tring to say someting to make myself feeling better.

today after school, i go to stanly park,
then... i was so tired. i ve dinner outside, at tim hortons, eat sandwiches.
then get back to home, resting... and i will start my studies later.
really really really tired...
but after this week and the next wed... i would be totally free...
i think i couldnt adapt that... suddenly all the things 'd be turn down... haha...
so cold laughing...

yea, i feel so cold today actually... clody, windy, not like summer, but fine...
i just keep myself at the peak, so... now i'm not sick, and i can do everything...
but when i slow down a bit... then i will get sick, maybe?
hope not... coz... dont want to seek doctor anymore.
i still vent claim my insurance yet, aunt 's so busy, and me too.

tomorrow is the final reading test, how many ppl 's gonna be fail?
i hope that one wouldnt be me... coz i 've been doing well...

i vent got the idd card till my aunt use hers, and told me she help me brough one already.
hummm if i have time, yea... should be next week... i'll be so free to call you guys...
i wanna call queenie, coz last time didnt call you,
i wanna call jackie, coz jackie 'd never come here, and she's toooo lazy! haha...
i wanna call agnes... coz i really miss her soooo much.
and then i would call sankie, tell her i'm going back in oct 12th.
then i wanna call ting ting, still vent called her for her a'level...
ten maybe call grandparentsssss, coz... dont know how're they.
but firstly i would call my parents first, coz they dont call me for a week already.
they usually call 1 or 2 times a week.

everyone'll be out of town next week =(
who'll stay? maybe mi hiyong? she's not going back korea with them. great =)

tomorrow , no afternoon class,
coz everyone would go joy's home (teacher's home) like last time,
ving a super big party , for those all korean students leaving our school...
hummmm this time must be more fun, but i'm not going to drink le..
and frieday after the workshop, i will go karoke with them and then night market...
coz that's their last day.

ok, i should stop now...
what do ... ok i dont ask question here.
ok...
night night everyone.

11 pm.
10-8-05

>>August 11, 2005 at 5:53:46 AM GMT+8

2005 年 8 月 10 日 星期三 【晴】

Ah.......
at school now,
during break in the afternoon class, hospitality class.

today's coffe is too strong, the best western's... too strong for me.

very very tired...
after school... i will go out with the korean students, coz they're leaving on sat.
i dont know how many of them will go to the stanly park today... but ok...

tomorrow we will ve the final reading exam,
wheelllll..... very exciting man, i mean... very tiring =.=

very very very tired and busy for almost one week already...
but this term will be ended so soon,
i just dont want it end up so soon... especially i would see my friends go back earlier than me.

when i go home to night, i still ve lots of things to do,
so tired.......

>>August 10, 2005 at 9:15:32 PM GMT+8

2005 年 8 月 9 日 星期二 【晴】

i got the reply from darling already.
this is the sec time for me to write my diary today.

he doesnt want me to tell everyone about our relationship.
well..... this is my diary, i ve the right to write everything i want.
it's not for others, but myself.
some of my close friends they know my http, then they'd come, few times a month maybe.
even my sister, she doesnt come to peek my life so often.
few of you guys maybe come more than my sister, but i dont mind.
coz, you're all my close friends, you guys know me well..
and i'm not advertising myself or our relationship.
i don suppose everyone around me would come, and i dont suggest everyone come.

anyway...
i'd never mean to tell everyone about our relationship,
i'm just sharing... i know... he doesnt like, and of course he has the right to say no to me.
but...... he shouldnt stop me and saying like i'm doing this by purpose.

anyway,
he didnt answer me anything i asked...
and i know my answer for myself now.

by the way,
after school, i didnt go out with jong hoon today.
i did know what i'm doing with jong hoon.

>>August 10, 2005 at 1:39:43 AM GMT+8

2005 年 8 月 8 日 星期一 【晴】

hummmmm back to school now,
very busy week...
very tired........

just now, i called darling when i was walking to the bus stop.
then... i think he's really tired,
anyway, i've sent him the e-mail already...
i think i ve to say something ... let him know or let myself know that...
we really have some problems on our communication.
i'm not asking for break up, and i dont want to break up.
but this problem is quite serious... and i think... i can wait for him,
but i want the truth from him.
i want him to communicate with me.
coz... now the feelings s like i'm asking for the pitty, but i'm not.
i'm not blaming him for not talking to me,...
but i think if he really treasures our relahionship, he should balance his life,
i dont need him to spend lots of time for me.
but i'm not a doll, if he just say i love you to me, the relationship is not gonna work.

is that me asking for too much?
coz i know he's really really tired and busy.
but i hate that he cannot balance his life well.

i feel so bad too...
sounds like i'm forcing him to do something for me.
but i thik this time, now, i really ve to say my feelings directly?
i'm not forcing him, but i think he should consider about that...
what's to do next?
i think this question is runing around my brain for a few days already.
and he should think, too... even though he's really tired from work.
i can understand his situation, but i hope he would understand me, too.
i really love this person,
and i'm really affraid he wants to break up with me,
coz i really love him alot and alot...

but,.... who can tell me what can i do?
i already.... love this person deeply already.
and i 've already pushed all the doubts away....

last night, i cried when i typed the e-mail...
i'm so affraid he would say let's break up, after he read my e-mail...
i pray.... now i pray...
jesus, i know this is hard... but you give it to me,
that means... you will walk with me , right?
so... jesus... thankyou, and... please take my heart, give me the faith,
give me the eyes to see clearly...

>>August 9, 2005 at 3:57:16 PM GMT+8

2005 年 8 月 8 日 星期一 【晴】

What re you doing castor?

i waked very very early today,
last night cant sleep well... the mosquitos are too strong... =(

anyway, today we have the final listening exam,
i didnt prepare it, coz nothing could be prepared.
but finally we dont have time to go through my power point...
ok... it's fine...
the listening is quite fine i guess.
then last essay has been returned already. great.
the presentation's sheet was shown too.
i got 9.5 of my essay, and then 95% of my presentation.
good.... quite good... lisa likes my essay and presentation.

hummmm.,...
today morning called darling already.
coz... wanna know if he will have a day off tomorrow.
he says... there's only one customer service officer, so... he cannot rest.
hummmmm then i asked him to take care, but then he asks me what else?
oh well... i was on the bus, so i whishper that... " i love you"
but i ask him back, i wanna hear from him, he just says "me too" i say no...
but he says.... later he'll call me, then i say i 'm not gonna call him,
then he says he will call me then... but i wait and wait... wait for a whole day...
no one calls me...
hummmmm who's gonnna tell me why?

most of my friends will leave very very soon...
they re leaving on sat...
i will miss them alot, especially op bba, hummmm so bad...
and young, charles, hakgon, lots of them... ahhhhhh....
they're very cute and nice....
i'll miss them alot.

i feel so bad...
i think something happened...
alesja confused too...
no one knows what happened.... me either...
so.... we would see what will happen.

when will my darling know i feel terribnle about us lately?
i need him, i need to communicate with him...

>>August 9, 2005 at 3:21:12 AM GMT+8

2005 年 8 月 7 日 星期日 【晴】

Today, wake at 10:40 am.... super tired,

then just eat an apple, some chips, a bun,
then rest a bit, just go out... to richmond center,
coz alesja come ! =)
ok... we walk around, then we ve egg tart together,
then we walk, and... sit at food court, we drink the lemonade heehee
quite fresh...
then i send her back to the station...
go home.

home... wait for dinner, rest... really tired.
after dinner, me and aunt went to super store.
today, i had a lot of calls from my friends... aiya...
jong hoon calls me few times...
taku call me for tips of the final exam on tomorrow...
how come i ve any ideas? that's not an open test, nothing can be prepared?
even i can , i dont really want to prepare for a listening test.
ev erything base on the listeneing notes on tomorrow...
jong hoon met his friend, yang. but yang didnt come...
oh my god... he waited for 1 hr 30 mins +++
oh... i cant help.
today i ask him does he want to come richmond, to join me and alesja,
coz he says he wants to go richmond,
but he says he 's not free tonight, oh..... but finally yang didnt come.

fine, it's not my business.
today... alesja talk with me.
she asks me to give a chance to jong hoon... i say jong hoon leaves on next sat.
she says, he's still better than my boyfriend( in her eyes, that's absuloutely true)
jong hoon doesnt want long distance relationship,
so i dont mind being close with him.
if he likes me, want futher relaionship with me, i cant give him.
like..... what he says tonight, just a bit .... scared me...

on the phone, he said... dong saeng, ja jal sae yo.
before... he explained a lot about last night and today morning he doesnt come on line,
he feels sorry for me, but actually i'm fine. i dont really mind... right?
he says tonight he want come on line, but might cant ... so... he feels sorry.
but i say... oh it's ok, it doesnt matter =)
sounds strange, right? for me,... in my experience, if ppl say like that...
that means that person... wants to take responsiblity to you, that's why the person
explain alot... and then that means... that person has good feeling or like you.

i've told alesja that jong hoon says if i want, he can stay for 3 months more.
then alesja says i'm so lucky... hahaha... that's funny right? but... why?
anyway i rejected already, and then he says he was "just joking".
hummmmm,........ dont ask me this kind of hard question please....
dont ask me to make any decision please...

jong hoon sit very closed to me... that's confusion to me.
but i dont want to make it, everything clear... coz he's leaving next sat.
what's for?
if it's just for experience, let him... coz nothing will happen after he leaves,
everything remain the same as before.
my boyfriend doesnt care, he doesnt care... then who cares?

even my boyfriend, he doesnt really take respones for what i do, what i feel what i think.
well, maybe he wants, but he cant do that currently, so ? that means he doesnt, right?
dont argue with me that he loves me, so he works so hard now, dont have time for me.
you should know... everyone have 24 hrs a day, that's very fair,
everything is under control, you ve the flexible time table on job on rest, everything, gerneraly.
if you say you dont ve time to rest, to sleep, you dont ve time to eat,
you dont ve time to go washroom, all is just bbbbb...... shit.
the only reason is focus too much on yourself, on your goals?
sometimes, i would think..... if i'm the reason why he works so hard,
how come... he doesnt reallt care about me?
i dont ask for alot... just for a few mins, but why it becomes so hard for us?
how many mins do you have a day... i cant ve a few mins a day, doesnt matter,
two days ? no, ok... 3 days? no.... ok... how about a week?
no..... ok, one week, maybe you're too busy,
how about next week? no..... cant.... ok...
that's too much... actually i dont think he 's doing the right thing.
dont push the excueses around, dont put the excuese on me on time zone.
he doesnt like me saying he's moving back his world...
he just want me to be ready for him , when he wants me, he miss me...
i dont know what he thinks when he miss me, during his break time, whenever...
he'd never told me. he would say " i love you." but... it's not the right communication.
i need him, i need to know what's happening with him. i want to know what's happening.
i'm not asking for a report, but if you love someone,
wont you wanna know what's happening with that person or
wont you wanna share everything with him or her?
i need the communication... love is not just saying i love you few times...
we cant stay together right now, at lest you let me feel that you're communicating with me?
after marry, everything will be changed? you promised? should i trust you?
where's the credits from?
i know he's too much... but i'm waiting for him, i know someday he will understand...
yea, i feel terrible... coz he doesnt sounds like my boyfriend,
he cant call me, so i call him. but, has he ever shown me what time he's ok for me?
never.
this feeling is very hurt, do you understand?

>>August 8, 2005 at 6:19:24 AM GMT+8