2005 年 7 月 28 日 星期四 【晴】

ah.....

just now, i got the messages from darling.
hummmm he left me messages in msn.
he read my e-mail and diary...

i think... he's almost mad at me.
and yea, i got it right.
he 's quite angry... and he said if i really want to date other guys,
then just go ahead... he said i dont think of his situation.
now, here, i'm not asking ppl to make the judgement on him or me, whoever plx.
i know where's my problem now and.. i 'm adjusting myself to be a more
thoughtful thinker.
and i know.... i'm just very childish for him and i understand why
we always have conflict now...
but i accept that gracefully, i really mean that.
and i do try my best to make it better.

i called him back of course, otherwise he said...
he takes it as all over.
i shouldnt give his number to junming.
he said junming is rather rude than what junming reported to me.
hummm junming is like that, i know it..... it's ok... i appologize coz it's my fault.
junming is very protective. i understand why he said that to him.

actually, even i go out with jong hoon, that doesnt mean i 'm in love with him.
and that's impossible for us to even have a spurt ? he's leaving so soon?!
yea, i take his lunch box today, very very nice... but so ?
he doesnt say what or do what.
i just wanna make sure that... we're just friend...............
pil is gonna watch fire work and dinner with me on the coming sat.
hummm i would tell darling that i want to go with them...... and please him.....
please let me go to watch the fire work or movie whatever,
coz i really want the movie and firework.
and i promise, i wont have alcolho, i wont corss the line....
and i do try finding other friends to go with us, not just only me and guy.

however,
i take my resume to joy today.
that's pretty good =) thx god~~
and i' ll morderate it again and again later =)

i love my darling, i really do...
in these days, even i had many -ve feelings, i still moiss him so much,
and i just cant get rid of him maybe hahahaha...
no, seriously, i really want to stay stable with him, and be his wife later, really later.
well, maybe not very later, all depends on him, but must be at least after 1 or 2 years?
i think, at this moment, i'm still very very young,
i 'm still learning to be an funtional adult yet, make sense?
but, for him, it's already getting into the marry age. 27, 28... right?
but we're from different countries, different culture... and we're apart now,
so.. .we really need time to... know each other,
and learn how to be good partner for each otehrs, learn alot of things....
so....... it takes time to see... what will happen.
but... since i come, i saw alot of conflicts, but after one, another come.
i didnt feel nice though, but i think... i'm getting more confident in us.

I love you. / I'm in love with you.
Which is more important?
thanks for Lisa, our teacher~ haha... good lesson from class today.
"Make sure to stay in love with your date, when you say you love your date."

"i love my darling, and i'm still in love with him.
after long, i'll still being in love with him."

god blessing everyone~
hee.

>>July 29, 2005 at 4:17:14 AM GMT+8

2005 年 7 月 27 日 星期三 【晴】

Last night,
i slept at..... 5++ am.
then i waked at 6:30am,... just sick....
then i dicided not going to school today.
but... when i wake again... i thought i should go to school.
then i eat my lunch, and go to school.

i made dumpling for lunch. heehee... 8 small dumpling.
then... today afterschool,
i was in the computer lab... doing some stuffs...

morning terrence told me the internet is not working, i knew.
but he siad it'll due to next month.
then... today at school,
i e-mail to darling... i said... i wont bother him till the day he thinks he's ready to talk.
i said i feel like doing such kinds of stupid things.
junming called him yesterday for me. "actually is last night here"
i didnt know he's working. junming helps me.... is just for me.
he asked me do i need to find a spy to check on him, i say no, i trust my boyfriend.
and then... i say that's no meaning if i really hire someone to do that.
it's just insulting our relationship, isnt it? so...
but he said, maybe he can help me to call him.
yea... ok fine, why not. he's just sleeping maybe? i dont know what haoppened to him.
then.... junming called... and... sms...
but he doesnt use my sentence to him, so... the messages darling recieved must
be quite rude and... just sounds like he's very wrong.
i 'm sorry... ui didnt mean that.
i was saying that... if he wants to talk, plx ask him to come on line plx.
but... what junming said is... castor's on line, urgent... blah blah blah...
haha... i dont know it's fun or not...
i heard what junming told me, then i said oh my god... darling would be mad at me.
then junming say sorry ... oh... it's ok... i know he's like that,
i didnt mean to be angry at him,
but funny is... when darling sms back to junming...
i'm working, how to on line? who's that anyway?
ah.....ha..... i dont know what to say.....

then today afterschool i e-mail darling i'm not coming to on line for the coming days...
and, when he's ready to talk again, can just e-mail me, contact me,
i dont want to bother him, such like the stupid things that keep calling or bothering.
and actually coz... terrence said it wont be able to access into internet.
but now... =) erh....
it was quite cold to him, but i m really not that happy about what he does.
he doesnt take care of himself, he doesnt manage well his time.
i'm not angry at him, but... it's not good for him, right?
and i feel like.... he's moving back, and i dont want to.... struggle in this problem anymore.
he can do whatever he wants, i dont care anymore?
nope... just too much -ve feelings and i dont want to continous like that.
okay fine. he likes that way, just go that way.
i dont want to argue or complain anymore.
maybe it'll be fine if i look on myself more than him.

*********
Jason, (Jong hoon)
we chated for quite long last night on msn.
then today after school, i saw him at the pc lab.
we chat again, and he brings me to take sky train and T&T in... Stadium Satation.
and then we went back to his home... haha!
we cooked together~ so much fun... his first time to cook... haha.
i'm his assistance, but actually he's my assistance!
he's very genetlement, and i had gifts from him and his host family, too~
nice.
then he sent me back to the sky train station.
i go home~

well, to night here 10 pm have firework.
i love firework, but..... too late to home for me.
tomorrow, we still ve classes.
so... i didnt go =(

by the way,
my resume draft 's done already!
from last night!

i miss my darling so much.
but i guess... we both need our own spaces.
i used to think i dont really need it if he's willing or ok to spend time with me.
but now... i know the fact is... he couldnt just balance me with his work or whatever.
if i keep strgguling with him.... i would feel even worse and worse.
i really miss him...
but... just let him decides what he wants and.. how to maintian our relationship.
i really want this relationship, coz i love him so much.

today, on the way home...
i was thinking that....
if i go dating with other guy, just as friend dating, is it ok?
jason is gonna date me for movie, and ... for further meal.
after 3 weeks, he'll go back korea.
i dont worry if he would want the relationship with me.
but... we match each other very much. that's real... hobbies, horoscope, ...
we might be the same type ppl, but he's just less nosier than me only.

i want my darling.
buit if me and jong hoon go out... is it very unfair to darling?

>>July 28, 2005 at 5:41:29 AM GMT+8

2005 年 7 月 26 日 星期二 【晴】

Today sounds good.

today morning, i waked up sooooo early...
i didnt want to go to school too tired to get up...
but... i need to go... then i boil an egg, take a piece of bread for lunch.
but i went to startbucks to have one black coffe and a small box of fruit, for breakfast.
then... i sit there, read newspaper, then went back to school...

i dont really pay attention at classes... but fine.

after class, i have korean lesson,
then... i went to downtown to have sushi with the new studentssss,
coz... uncle's not home tonight, then i should prepare my dinner for myself.
but, before my own dinner, i should clean up the pot and dishes for terrence,
just like the last time... same...
this time, i dont wash, coz i'm not responsbile to him, right?
then... i better dont cook. yup...
tonight is the sec night, i didnt cook today and yesterday...yup....
but tomorrow night, i would cook for myself if uncle wont cook.
hummmmmmm... today just too hungry that i cant wait to home and cook.
fine fine fine...

my new schoolmates are very nice... haha....
anyway... ... ... .......

darling's day off today.
humm i'd call him later if he wants.
i really dont know what happened to him...... but i could understand that...
when he's stressed, or very tired, he doesnt want to talk to me.
or.. he just cant express himself. i dont know...
but i know.... men is different with women. i could accept that.
and not every men can communicate well with their girlfriends.

>>July 27, 2005 at 4:33:04 AM GMT+8

2005 年 7 月 25 日 星期一 【晴】

last night,
i slept at...... around 2 30 am.
then, today i waked at 6 55 am.
enough?
not really.

getting sick.
heaty and headache....
sigh...

aunt's left already, so... i 'm free again~
but... it's not very very good.

by the way,
simon saw me at lunch today, he asked me if i feel better... hummm i'm still ok.
last night i chated with him, telling him about i feel bad....

i didnt know today we have a test, so i didnt prepare anything for it.
shit...
but i cannot study at lunch time also, coz... i cant pay attention.
but lunch time, thanks for wilson, he shares his fries with me, hahaha...
i didnt bring lunch today. then he went to buy mcdonald's.
hummm we have lunch together today.
very nice, thanks for wilson. he's very nice, he always take care of me.
then dong eon, staphine, eva, lana, and pil also come.
nice nice~
but when i think about i'm leaving them soon... i feel..... not good.
i'll miss all of them. haha....

anyway,
today afterschool, finally i buy the insurance for ... the coming 3 months.
and the bus pass for next month.it doesnt cost alot... at least less than what i paid!!
hummm fine.

last night...
i did called darling before i hang out with aunts for drinks,
he wasnt seem good although it was his birthday...
he said he's tired and busy. and he said he's getting old......
oh my god...
then... i didnt say much actually...
even i said happy birthday, he's not happy at all right?
then... before i sleep, i called him again.
he didnt ans me, so i left him voice message.
i said... be happy....
i didnt feel good , too.

today, just now before dinner, i've called him again,
even thoiugh aunts all ask me stop calling him...............
i still called... coz........ i still care about him.....
and actually i know.... sometimes things're just strange, cant be proved.
maybe he's lying, maybe he doesnt. but i have no evidence for those......
on phone, he said he's late today, on the way to work... in the taxi.
he didnt go out for celebration last night... he was home when almost 12 am.
then i said... i kiss you instead, good? haha... he said of course.
but i dont think he feels good though... i dont know what happened to him?
hummm i cant stay at there with him, it's both bad for him and me.
but... i still trust him? what's for?
even he has lots of... things hidden up... i dont know....
i think the real relationship shouldnt be like that...
but, so?

i ask myself, what do i want actually?
what do i need?
those are pretty good questions for me.

>>July 26, 2005 at 3:02:36 AM GMT+8

2005 年 7 月 24 日 星期日 【晴】

Happy birthday to darling.

today, i went to libary by myself.
before, i went to water front to buy the lotion and candle.
nice.

when i come back, waiting for dinner,
aunt dabbie comes to join.
after dinner, aunt burney , me, priscilla, dabbie hang out for drink.
we talk... we talk alot alot alot.
we talk about benny also.
sigh... my question is... when everyone says he's not good...
so...?

hummm.
i dont know what to say,
i feel bad.
coz... he's going back to his old style.
and... all is still like the same.

i know he's busy, he's tired, but so do i.

>>July 25, 2005 at 9:02:12 AM GMT+8

2005 年 7 月 23 日 星期六 【晴】

SICK...

Very Busy...

touchy with friends and school works.

darling is un-connected.
aunt's going for trip on monday, she'd leave for 9 days.
hummm....... today we went to supper store to buy food.
i buy myself of course. but i dont know if i need to share with them.

today i go to libary with alesja.
and i bring her some egg tarts. heehee
just now i called to agnes, soma has funtion~~~ woo~~
i knew they had good result, thanks god~!!!
^^
grad has return to hk already... i see.... oh i miss the chance haha.
but agnes said he'd g oback to toronto. i dont know~
anyway.... good.

i miss darling very very much.
and i feel so sick now.

>>July 24, 2005 at 5:27:59 AM GMT+8

2005 年 7 月 22 日 星期五 【晴】

Helloooooo.

Congraudation to Darling !
Someone got promoted, good.
coz someone work so hard, wow.... heehee
why that person work so hard leh? hummmm i'm not gonna tell you.
hee

today is frieday here,
8:37pm.

hummm london got bombed again, terrible...
i'm scared.
jesus, i feel terrible about that.
why ppl can kill ppl like this? oh dear.... what can we do?

i had a great day today...
lately eat too much mcdonald's breakfast, for the happy meal, the Neo Pet.
sigh... i got the same model but diff colors, i got 3.
but now i've 4 neo pets already... hummmm =S

today after the workshop,
i ve lunch with alesja, and the new korean students and jap srudents,
so nice, i just like everyone of them, they're all so cute !
they're nice and cute, hahaha... but... i still havent any pictures with them yet,
i want more and more and more photos with them!!!
Pil is teaching me Korean now, i feel so impressive about him.
actually, he's quite cute and very nice. i really think he's a good guy.
thanks for Pil, he teqaches me alot of things...
althugh laterly i'm so lazy to practise, so i got low marks on my korean test,
i'll still work hard on it later.
i just promise hee.

today, after lunch, me alesja and yui went to downtown together.
we went to four different hotels to gather information, well, great.
then we sit down and discuss all of them... quite tiring but fine and doing quite well.
thanks for alesja also, coz she joins us and advices us alot and alot.
=)
thanks for jesus, i always have very very good friends around me... that's just great.

i'm getting fat, coz i ate too much cookies or donuts or whatever timbits...
then this week i have too much hotcakes with hushbrowns for breakfast.
i ve proper meals lately, darling must be happy about that,
but just too heavy for me i guess.
but i'm so busy that i need tonze of food, especially sweet food, oh dear...
and then, since i'm much less energy, i start the morning coffe again,
and then even though i take coffe, i still can sleep very very easily at night,
so... i just couldnt wake up for gojjing, but after school ,too busy and tired though.
and actually coz i spend more time on the mcdonald's breakfast "wake up-meal"
and, i just cant get up earlier than 6:30 am.
that's the max for me... it's gonna kill me already.
man.... now you know why i stop exercise suddenly.

tomorrow, i will wake up early, and then go jogging, at least for 10 mins...i guess.
or just walk around, let myself work out more and more... to balance my body need.
then... i'm gonna go to libary, i'm doing kindda research and prepration for my resume.
i really really being very serious about my resume, i'm going to make it great.
dont ask me how, heehee. i have helpers =)

alright, i feel so happy that darling got promotion~ woo~~~~~
and i could understand or i try hard to understand he couldnt talk to me,
and i agree with what he said that i should look at what he's tring to do now rather than
what he did wrong.
i accept gracefully what he told me that he'd get a new phone later, so that means ...?
i dont know, i'm glad with that anyway. coz i got nothing more than that to say.

god blessing...
and plx pray for london and everyone in this world...
i just feel so sick about those crazy ppl.

>>July 23, 2005 at 3:59:27 AM GMT+8

2005 年 7 月 20 日 星期三 【晴】

fine , sunny day.

then...
today i wok so early, i boiled an egg, then left home,
i arrived broadway station at around 8 am,
so i had a happy meal for breakfast today , for NEO PET again!
you know... it's by ramdom!
and you know........ i'm so happy to ve breakfast with my new friends,
one is shu su mu from jap, one is john ji from korea. great!
they're so cute.

classes are fine.
nice presentation by julia and other administrators... well
the problems is i'm not gonna join the hotel program.

last night talk with darling before i slept right?
i didnt feel good.
today, i talk with alesja, staphine, and i talk with junming...
sigh... i know what they mean, i understand ... and...
i'm very graceful for their opinion,
but i' ve no ans come up with yet.
fine... it would be fine... and it should be fine.

i dont want to complain anymore, and he should know the problems.
i've told him but he doesnt accept, then... so what.
he said that's not his fault on the posts...
but the fact is i'm still very very upset on those... and i'm not blaming on him.
but he feels so agnored by what i feel...
i just want to let him know what happened on me by him. i should let him know that.
so... what's the point?
i'm struggling in it. but i'm gonna give up.
wether he has posted or not, i'm not gonna ask anymore,
but i know i'd never be able to know the answer
and i'd never expected i'd get anything from him anymore,
just coz he already showed me what's gonna happen to here by what he said.
that's it.
isnt it awful? oh my god i lost the faith in him already !
he's my future husband is it?
let's wait and see what'll happen,
who wants to bet with me? come to talk to me...
who think what exactuly gonna happen is i'd never get the truth?
and who's still in trust with him?
tell me.
well, pretty clear that i shouldnt do that.
but the fact is... i'm disappionted by him again.

i shouldnt just listen what ppl suggest to me,
but i do trust that we still cannot communicate well.
and if i change my mind, i dont think it's good...
but... wether he wants to change, it's not the good choice either.
and actually i dont know if he can do that also.
so...

pray for me guys.

>>July 21, 2005 at 6:29:43 AM GMT+8

2005 年 7 月 19 日 星期二 【晴】

CASTOR
Gender: Masculine
Usage: Greek Mythology (Latinized)
Pronounced: KAS-tor [key]
Extra Info: Namesakes
Options: Contribute Information, Add to List
From the Greek Καστωρ (Kastor),
possibly related to κεκασμαι (kekasmai) "to shine, to excel".
In Greek myth Castor was a son of Zeus and the twin brother of Pollux.
The constellation Gemini, which represents the two brothers, contains a star by this name.



yesterday was so tired...
i couldnt get in home again.
and i 've told my aunt on line that i ve forgoten to bring my cell phone, during break.
that means, i cannot call her when i'm standing ouside the lobby !
i was standing outside the lobby for 1/2 hr,
no matter how many ppl can get in....that's not me. they look me as the theif...
shit..... you know my feelings?
my tears was falling down.... oh my god...
today again, same situation... but i got my phone, so i called.
you know, i feel like.... i'm wasting my money on that stupid cell phone and interphone!!

by the way...
i did the great job on my test and quiz today... high scores.
i ve the korean lesson after school again.
every tue and thursday,
thanks for Pil !!!! so great ! He's very nice =)
and i really learn alot from him, thanks for pil ~!

everyday i eat cookies and donuts for lunch.
i'm getting fat by those... coz i redue the exercise, lately.
too tired to go jogging, although sunny days are so great!
i rather choose hanging out myself or with friends instead.
period 's leaving me now... hope i'll be getting better.

i love dontuts, timbits and cookies... but...... you know my feelings...
anyway, i know i ve to prepare my own breakfast and lunch.
but situation is coming harder and harder.
i boil egg for lunch, in morning,
and i ve to buy cookies and donuts for breakfast or lunch also.
donuts and cookies here are cheap...
( but that's not really that cheap as you imagine though)
but no choices... i dont want mcdonald's, the expensive junk food.
i dont want to buy sandwiches, in subway, blenz coffe... just expensive.
chinese food or jap food is also expensive for school lunch.
dont ask me to buy my own food at home. that's still impossible for me to accept
that i should share my rarely food with them, by my rare money yet.
sooooo...
sometimes i just ve an apple or banana from alesja, my friend in school, for lunch.
now, no fruit at home, and i dont want alesja's fruit....( that's hers, from her host family)
so... i buy cookies or donuts for snack, then i boil an egg for lunch.
wilson, my chinese friend asked me if i need to be like that.... he said,...
who's going to marry me would be very forturnate.... sigh....
i'm not the poor yet, but soon ? i dont know, but i dont want those expensive food.
i really rather prepare myself, but i really dont want to share with them, so i dont do it.
sigh....
so bad.

anyway,
darling has no time for me that's for sure.
i ask myself... would you complain to him?
or let's say, again ?
nope i'm not gonna do that over and over again.
last night... i called twice. he respons at the sec time,
i asked if he woudNT have time with me.... then he asked me what i wanna tell him?
i think he's super busy, so... i dont want to disturb him... i ans that.... nothing.
he asked again, then i said nothing i would talk to him later...
hummm bye...

it doesnt sounds good, is it?
hummmmm its ok.... and i knew this ans before i called.
if i dont contact him, he wouldnt contact me though.
i ve to call him to show him , myself that i care about him, and i want him feel warm.
but.... he wouldnt do the same thing as i do.
all men is like that, is it? at least my friends say yes. this que is firstly from my friends.
so... what i'm gonna say is, nothing should be suprised...

he's always like that....
and... such as the letterssss, i'd never recieved any.
if you were me, would you believe him? you understand me, guysss....
i'd like to que alot, coz i'm a super sensible and curious type, i mean the smart type.
so... what i'm gonna say?
NOTHING, NO ONE SHOULD BE SUPRISED ANYMORE.
ISNT THAT REAL?
well.... after seriers of provement angain and again, the belief would become the fact.
correct?
what will you do if you were me?
i've no clues with this problem.

i asked myself on the way to school... " would you compain? "
then i say... no complains, coz i love him.

and actually... i know... i cant do anything..... that's... i dont know what it is.
i know compain is no use.
he doesnt say, he doesnt show. he wouldnt do that too.
i dont want him feel bad.

19 July, 05
9 : 25 pm.

>>July 20, 2005 at 4:24:55 AM GMT+8

2005 年 7 月 17 日 星期日 【晴】

haha

so sunny today~!
i'm so happy today, coz i wake at 11:15 am~ wow enough sleep.
then i went out almost 2 15 pm.
i went to waterfront, with alesja =)
nice nice~

then we take the sea bus to north vancouver.
we walk around, take lots of pictures , ve lots of fun.
then... we eat lots of fruit, and we ve dinner together, some salad...
then we go back down town,
i ve some cookies and diet coke =) heehee nice.
then we go back.

last night was very important to me.
coz finally my parents, my family know Benny is my boyfriend!!! haha~~
so happy actually ^^
then.... haha... darling feels so happy too ^^ hee~
and then... hummm
that's why today i 'm so happy with alesja hahaha...
i wanna celebrate with her haha...
yea, i 'm also looking for some gifts for my family and friends
("wow.........."---- i beg you guys saying this now)

hahaha
ok ok...
anyway, i ve to continous my studies now, very important tests come again.
darling has no time with me, so..... he doesnt know what happen with me here,
except i tell him...
but fine......
he's always busy and busy.
and i dont want to bother him, too.

hummmm
learning korean is really fun.
now, i can make simple sentences, started from i and you.
i can make some very very simple sentence by myself ^^
so happy.

anyway,
here mcdonald's is selling neo pet!
but different from singapore one. i brought one anyway.
nice.

hummmmmi love my life, i respect my life, too...
hummmmmmmmm... heehee. i love someone hee

okok.
i go back to study.

hee lovely sunny day today! so great !

pray for everyone here.
*Blessing*

>>July 18, 2005 at 4:46:14 AM GMT+8