2006 年 1 月 17 日 星期二 【晴】

January 18, 2006
Esprit-sprit
I was very upset, then i saw a frined, Aug on line.
we chated for long, i was very upset, then i m in period now, so...
bad mood... then last night i slept around 3 ++ am.
i went off line, then took a long shower, then i watched tv, didnt know what
i was watcing actually.

Today, i waked by miki, she came back from school... at the morning...
then we went to Mong Kowk Esprit... (coz i said on last week,
i wanna hit the total purchase, hkd $800, then i joint the member club.)
yea... looking for jeans and some clothes... man... i bought them out of
disscount, then finally i spend $900++ for one jeans, one long sleves t-shirt,
and one prefume... humm but i'm thinking to refund the prefume,
coz i want something nicer,like a bag. then i got a member card and $100
voucher. nice huh? so expensive for me. but i love the stuffs i buy, and i know
i just love Esprit(edc), just like i love the spirit haha..
man, i would prefer Weekend Workshop or Mastina(A.S.T.) hee.
these two brands are nice but not that expensive like Esprit.
i dont buy brand only, i would choose the nice material, i like soft cotton,
and then of course i would prefer the cutting fiting my fat body.
i do look for the right style... so... sometimes, you just need to spend $$$ on
what you like. lucky that i dont like some well name brand hee.

i'm looking for a part-time job, coz i want to save up some money for the
traveling. hummm i will graud on Feb 07, i might go to US, i'm not sure...
after graud, i would like to go to Singapore again, and perhaps i could go to
South Korea. heehee. Going to Singapore is just so exciting.
i'm not sure if i would make it anyway =)
school workload is not that heavy, but the point is i wanna focus on studies,
and i would like to rest in free time.... so... yea.

Anyway,
i'm still in bad mood, and then i ve planed to study for my final ... well..

Back from Mong Kowk, sooooo tired...
then miki and me went to HealthWork to have tea time, not really tea,
i ordered the chinese sweetsoup with rice ball. oh, they come up with some
dim sum heehee, that's like a set tea. my sweet soup is good for helth.
some ginger, some honey, with "red jujube"(the red color chinese date).
good for health. it's warm so drink it was nice... with rice ball =P

last night chatting with Aug, he loves dessert a lot ! hahaha.. nice~
i love dessert, too. but i would prefer something good for health =P

i would study hard with my strong spirit ! Be a real Esprit girl.
Castor, stay strong.

January 18, 2006 | Permalink | Comments (0)

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i wanna share a song " Stickwitu " PussycatDolls

I don't wanna go another day
So I'm telling you exactly what is on my mind
Seems like everybody's breaking up
And Throwing their love away
but i know i got a good thing right here
That's why I say
***
this is a very nice song, so sweet, you know what... i would like to have someone
who's that sweet, and secure to be with... hee.
who's going to pass darling? Aug asked me last night, if someone pass him or i pass him.
hummm i dont know. time could tell.

>>January 18, 2006 at 10:28:26 AM GMT+8

2006 年 1 月 16 日 星期一 【晴】

January 17, 2006
Telling you what exactly on my mind
16.5 / 20-- Castor, Iris, and Wesley
This is a good attempt at writting a forml paper even though i didnt ask
for you. The only way this could work beter is if you had followed
the Part A / Part B organization i gave you. Without it, the paper sounds
like a draft for something bigger. That's why i'm impressed, but puzzled
as to why you didnt follow the questions.

i was very very upset when i got back the report with Dr.Green's comment.
i heard that he wanted something more than just feelings(the PartA/B)
those questions are just asking for our feelings only, nothing regards to the
book, information from book... and he did say that he required the connection
from the movie to the text book. and now, i put it in his way, but he doesnt
like, but saying that i didnt follow his rules. i am very very upset...
i got his e-mail yesterday before i did the second report. in his e-mial, he said
he's viewed some groups's report(the first one), so he wanted to point out
something we should be ware of, he said we should focus on the drug's
information which the text book mentioned, but not only writting feelings.
then... actually he'd never asked for specail format of the "report"...
he asked me a que in class one day he told us the guideline of this report...
since no body understood what he tried to say, what he wanted in two reports,
he asked me what did i think of what he wants. and i got him right.
then now, he told me i was doing something totally different from other groups
and that's why make him impressed but PUZZLEd.
what else i can say...

This is my first report, and then second report due to today, and i have already
hanged in... i told him i was doing the exactly thing in the second report, and
i'm sorry that i couldnt make any changes now... so the second report would be
in the exactly same way, devided in a few categories.

i did do my best on these reports...
and if i did just follow my groupmate's format, just by copy and paste, then
i think we could get full marks... sounds like i made the big mistake that i trusted
what Dr. Green said, but now i got counted like someone trying to impress him
only. i felt so so so sorry for my groupmates... and i felt so bad, i'm so upset,
i really did my best, i was pretty serious doing all the stuffs...
but then now, what i did is just for impressing him only? NO!
i didnt understand why he said 5 pages is starting to get too long.
but now, i do understand... coz he didnt expect much as mine.
but what i want is not impressing him, i just want to get a more fair score.
you know... my efforts are not equal to the score.
He counts my score based on his way, but i count my own score on my efforts.
i know he did comment alot on Iris or Wesley's points... but they're all counted
with me, coz we're one group. and he was not counting on each students.
he asked us to use different fronts to say our own words, but in one voice to
report. man... i ve to report what my groupmates say, eventhough i know
sometimes they just bull shit, Rght?

who can tell me if i was wrong writting the whole bunch of information?
i thought i was doing right, based on what you said and what i heard.
but then... i'm very sorry to my groupmates, coz i made this big mistake,
i'm very upset, tears down everytime i think of it, but i couldnt do anything.
coz the second report was hanged in class today. at the end of the class,
i said bye to him, he apologized that he made me confused...
then i say it's okay.. it's ok... thankyou, and it's past already, thankyou.
then yea, i smile a lot... but it didnt mean i feel nice...

we got the result at the begining of class, then... after that we took a short
break, then i went down stair to get some cool drink to calm myself.
and then... i just dont feel nice in class today after that depressing result.

on the way home, tears are folding in my eyes..
i dont feel really frustrated, but pretty upset... but i dont want to let my
groupmates know i am pretty upset.

For the Research paper: Due to Next Monday.
My classmates complained to us that our questionnaire is realyl long.
and of course, not many students re willing to fill it for us.
i'm sorry, very sorry to you guys, but i need to follow that paper's 80 points.
there're 80 points, and i couldnt cross out anything. i shouldnt.

It makes me feeling like... why i'm struggling in it??
i do know what i do or what i did is right, but now,... ppl show me i might not
right. i might be totally wrong.
so, does that mean i should listen to my groupmates say? shorten everything?
i dont think so. but then ? now ppl complained to me, and what my groupmates
think ? there's no perfect research paper in the world you know?
and this is just the first time for a science research paper...
you're doing the exactly same thing, dont you understand that we dont have
much choices on what we want or dont want to do? i hate long questionnaire
too, and dont forget that the longer i rewrite, the longger time i was sufferring
in. do you think it's fair ?
so, it's Me wrong didnt listen to ppl or it's Me correct to stay the points?

i'm really really upset, kindda depressed...
i'm guilty for my groupmates and myself, but i dont think they were right.
i'm so sorry for the confusion i got from Dr. Green, but i couldnt change
anything. and if i have known that yesterday, i'm sure the second report would
be in the way he likes. but now, i'm just pretty sorry, very upset.

Actually, i understand Dr.Green has his points on the report.
i know and i understand why my schoolmates comment on my questionnaire.
i really understand, and i accept. but you know, emotion...
How i feel, what i see, and what i understand, how i accept...
Next time i will try to do better...

One thing on my mind...
i want to stay in peace only.
At the end of hte day, i would like to stay in peace, and perhaps with someone
i love of course. coz at least i have him to hug me and listen to me.
dont know how's darling today... i miss him so much.
and i rather believe him that he miss me so much, too.

January 17, 2006 | Permalink | Comments (0)

>>January 17, 2006 at 1:11:46 PM GMT+8

2006 年 1 月 15 日 星期日 【晴】

Hey man...

i find that my shedule is pretty busy now...
i would want to be alone in stead of having lots of ppl around here, i mean in life.
ahhh... sometimes i find my family is a bit loud... and i just want some peace ans space to finish
my stuffs... my stipid stuffs.

pretty tough schedule... coz you know what, my final is coming up in this Friday and Saturday.
i feel so ... stressed, coz i hold a report with me now, due to tomorrow... i'm still struggling...
then, this week i have two finals, hummm the substance abuse final would be very tough for me,
for us, coz... we just got the book in the mid- of the course. so... you know..
then the oganizational behavior final would be better, but got bunch of theories and things to
anlyaize, yea then need to memorize some important isues... then ahhhh i dont know how to say..
then my paper is stuck,... next monday gotta hand in... sigh..... i'm very worried actually.
coz you know... i cant rely on my group-mates. i already can imagine this week, it would be a
very very tired week,..... i'm affraid, i'm stressed.... so... i just miss my days in van,
very free, just no boundaries.
whatever.

today in class, one thing clear and important is Brevity.
hummm just say what you need to say only.
No Prattle.
So True !!!
you know what, i'm changed, i'm speechless now, coz i think speechless is really nice.
much nicer than prattling on... you know what, nowadays, i dont really like talk repeatedly,
and then i dont feel alright with the long wind-ed ppl.... especially some ppl, who're just in love
with talking repeatedly, but not listening... that's also why i dont like to talk on phone.
if you wanna talk, meet me out, we sit and talk, after that, stop talking plz.
chating on line is fine, coz you dont really chat for lots of long actually/maybe not...
and for me, chating on line is cyber, and much much much better than chating on phone,
i mean for super normal friends(chatting for nothing), or for schoolmates... i hate talking on phone.
if it's for darling, or for dear friends i would be okay talking on phone,
but i dont really like to talk for long... i guess i would spend around mostly 10 or 15 mins only....
if long time havent updated, might be chating a bit longer, but not really long..
BIG CHANGES Castor ! coz castor used to love talking talking talking...
but now, castor doesnt like.
feel like... sometimes i really dont know why i tallked too much till i sensed that i was really too
talkative. (maybe not actually).
well, blog or diary is different, coz it's the place for myself to communicate with myself, or
some dear friends would come to read, i dont mind.
ppl to ppl, nowadays, i really dont like to talk too much...
i'm not that cold, but just dont wanna prattle or bull shit... that make ppl stupid only,
silence is better than talking rubbish...
silence, is the peaceful time for myself to rest and relax...

castor's gonna do her rest of report now... then tonight need to read and study for the exam.
just now got Dr. Green's reply... damn it... dont know his comments re on my group or all groups.
i'm very worried for his comments. coz sounds like we'd be fail based on those comments.
i'm very worried, coz i'm responsible for the whole group, and they're not reliable...
sigh.... shit.

***

>>January 16, 2006 at 7:23:32 AM GMT+8

2006 年 1 月 14 日 星期六 【晴】

Stayed at home today, didnt go anywhere.
just sleep eat and sit, haha..

nope, i watched a movie during lunch, "我要做model" Super super funny man!!!
i like Karen Lam, she looks so sweet... and then that funny man Ronno Cheung.hahaha!

then come back to the com, reading the book... ahhhh really dont want to read..
i've read a few chapters and yea... i read quite fast actually... didnt do my own notes, but
high light someting nice, hummm... then actually i should do that report...
but i dontk now how to do... sigh.... i feel stressed...
coz i got my groupmates's sheets already, but i'm stuck in my own one...
dont know how to group au the whole bunch of information...
dman it i told them i would finish earlier so that they can have to breif look before we hang in.
then they ve time to make some correction if there's naything they dont like...
but now sounds like i need to rush it..... but the point is i dont know how to write.

this time is not Alochol Abuse, this is Cocaine Abuse...
and the main charater isnt the cocaine abuser, he's just a dealer, and user.
dontk now how to describe his behavior with his family and his wife and daugther.
sounds very wide to write.... lots of thing ve been mentioned,
but not very specific in any categories. erhhhh..... then....
the same thing is.... my lovely groupmates didnt mention anything about the book...
so that means i have to do my own job again... then try to put their messages into my words again.
it doesnt fit the job actually, i mean the report. they should do something more meaningful....
if only writting feelings can get a high score, wow you shouldnt sit in this class, go to the
next one. or actually i shouldnt sit in this class, coz i'm like a loser in your eyes? never be able
to communicate with you huh?
com'on..... i really dontk now how to write... sigh... what to do... how to write... sigh...
there're lots of connection with the book, but all re not specific, just generally cover a bit in every
categories.. so... hummm who's teaching me how to write?

okay... i'm ok, dont worry.
things re gonna be fine.

darling is on line, parents re away, miki is studying for exam, leggy is watching CartoonNetwork.
hahaha, i'm in room typing, then reading...
how and when to finish this stupid report huh?
i dont know.

***

>>January 15, 2006 at 8:51:49 AM GMT+8

2006 年 1 月 13 日 星期五 【晴】

i rest so much today... i waked up around 11, late right, then we all go out around 1 pm
hummm after lunch i back home with miki, then i slept again around 4... i just waked at 7++ i guess.
sleeping is pretty nice in winter, especially when you're tired and stressed.

i got my groupmates's feed bak on the report, and i also got Dr.Green's reply.
great, but i didnt read Dr.Green's note yet, i just dont wanna read but nice to recieve...
earlier to recieve, more flexible schedual i can make for myself.
then, i got my groupmates' report right? so i 'm expected doing it right now,
i just dont want to work... i'm lazy... but i do have lots of things to do actually.
just now chatting with darling, wah, i feel so happy ar.
heehee... really dont wanna move back to that "lovely" report or anyting regaring group.
not that i hate them, but you know what ppl working as a group sometimes doesnt mean like...
they must be getting good along. i mean, i'm ok in class with them, but in group work,
i'm always not comprmised with them... that's why i always feel tough... and dont know how to
deal wth the group.

anyway,
this morning, i saw daddy ws in kicthen, then he was putting his hands in the oven,
ten i asked him" what're you doing?"
he said... "that's 漢堡's frined, 烘手" hahahahaha !! i was laughing ! then i asked him back
so is 烘手 is ... 漢城's friend ??
he's so funny, what 漢堡or烘手, actually i guess he was heating muffin, coz i smell that.
but the point is i dont see the muffin... i guess it was in his mouth, but now... in somewhere else =P
that was the cantonese joke with my lovely fat fat dad =)

you know, i really love my dad, my family and my friends,
of course, i love my religion and my darling alot alot, alot.
i love my future, i love my life, so...... i really treasur everything... and i'll try to keep all of them nicely.
i would try my best to balance everything.

darling lately got some nice news, nice, great ! good for darling!
so yea, stay happy =)

ok...
i think i will start reading my book or notes for substance abuse class, then i would do the report.
lucky that i have tomorrow... otehrwise tonight would be sad... hee.
thanks for jesus, and let me feel a bit guilty for what i blogged lately at friendster.
i know i was hurtting ppl, who's reading or the person i wrote about, whoever.
yea, i'm sorry but i think it's also nice for myself to understand better how to let emotions off in the
better ways.

=)
mom's cooking green bean dessert ! i like it =P

***

>>January 14, 2006 at 12:46:05 PM GMT+8

2006 年 1 月 12 日 星期四 【晴】

i was very angry blogging at friendser yesterday..
then, i got the questionnaire finished around 10 pm.
hummm i spent around 4 or 5 hrs to "create" this questionnaire, around 60++ questions with
20 sub questions. yea, pretty long questionnaire.

my groupmate didnt print that out today to school coz he has something to do.
then we gotta print that at school... lucky that woman was willing to help us =)
then yup, got a class at noon, then got another class around 3 45.
hummm we had a pop quiz, hummm bad, really bad.
oh yea! i should e-mial him, opppsss i forgot... okay i will do that later on.
then yup, i should contact rachel, my friend...
then i should do something, which i ve forgotten by just now a shot.... what's that....damn it...
i'm always like that, like throwing pieces memorries around... what did i plan to do man... shit..
whatever...

yup, i got substance abuse class with the bad pop quiz...
then after class, i passed by the Esprit, then i walked in, bought one tank, in black.
funny that i buy a sexy tank in winter, right? hahaha it's 50% off...
yea, so i got this item in half price from $300 hkd. nice huh...
if this item is not disscounted, i wont buy. anyway, other stuffs re kindda on disscount.
and then if i buy anything up to $500 hkd, then i would get $100hkd voucher.
heehee, if i buy up to $ 800hkd, i could join member club for disscounting 10%off in anytime.
so, i would try my best to give out a few hours on next week, then i would go there again,
i hope i could buy something nice, maybe a few items, then i would join the member club.
i like Esprit alot actually, but just sometimes they dont ve very nice stuffs or just coz the price
is always too high(not suit for the quality),
then i would prefer to buy things in WeekendWorkshop or in Mastina.
Those three bands are my style, are my fav. stores. so, actually evertime i look for new stuffs,
i would be there there and there first.. =)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i was not in a good mood today,
kindda coz of a few days ago, i got totally pissed by someone.
hummm well, i was bloggin madly about this insulting feeling by hard yesterday.
and actually i want to appologize to myself and that someone, coz i didnt mean to expand my
madness or bad-mood to the ppl around my blog or especially behind the someone.
and i feel like i'm really a bitch to say like that... i have done it before, also coz of this someone.
and i know lately i do behave so rude on the blog... i feel so bad and sorry for that.
but i'm not sure if i would keep my bad words up there. i dont want to get pissed, too.
i said, i respected myself, so i didnt fight back.
but i did feel so angry, mad right... then i did use bad words right....
then castor actually did fight back, but just not infront of that someone, right?
yup, castor was so sorry for that, but i dont regret for anything.
i felt like i should talk to hat person at that way, but not coing home blogging at that way.
i should let the someone know in stead of blogging behind that someone.
come on, i felt so faked... like the bitch gossiping alot.
sigh... whatever, it 's over already.

i felt so bad, so i did write whatever in my brain.
then i didnt talk to that someone at that way, coz i know if i said so, itwould distory ..
you know castor, then i just dont want to yell at anyone, or cry at the conner.
i just let the emotion off, but not lossing my temper on ppl.
i rather choose to blog, coz ... wethere ppl read or not, it would still be the same thing that
i didnt say anything words out to that person directly, but i could also let my emotion off.
i dont want to let that person has hard feeling, so i did say or act badly to that person...
but it doesnt mean i felt alright with what that person said and did...
and obviously i was totally pissed of, very angry, holding lots of -ve feelings.
i dont know if i was correct to blong out my feelings, but i just know one thing clear that,
i dont mean to hurt that person, so i'd never prefer letting the emtion off directly toward the person.
if anyone read my words and feel bad, i'm sorry, coz i dont mean to hurt you, too.

and i appologize for what i said, what i blogged in a few dayssss or just for a few entries of lately.
yup, hope you could understand.
and i might keep on this way when if have feelings again. i do have feelings, ok?
i dont want to cover my feelings, buti dont mean to explose my emotions in public or behind ppl.
but for so many reasons, i couldnt tell and i couldnt control.
so, i would like to behave, to walk my trueself... i dont want to hurt anyone and i prevent hurtting
anyone directly or indirectly. but be fair to myself, i also would do what i want.
let me take the balance by my rules.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

for my dearest friend's suggestion, and for my own perception... i dont find anything i could do.
referring to some personal affairs, i dont mean to talk about this in public,
but telling one thing clear in my mind now...
i dont find the status, and i need to stay myself calm for my living, so i really dont wanna bother
myself to fall in any hard feelings or depression, frustration again and again.
for the respect to my darling, or some ppl call that so-called darling,
i just wanna say ppl, plx respect him; and dont ever judge on anyone without your true feeling,
sight of real-ness, from the real time you sepent w/ anyone.
i dont feel good about our realtionship. but... you know what...
i just deleted lots of sentencesssssssss just what i typed just now.
i'm okay.

>>January 13, 2006 at 3:06:08 PM GMT+8

2006 年 1 月 10 日 星期二 【晴】

Today, i rest at home.
i slept at 2 30 am last night then wake up around 1 pm.
very nice sleep =) long sleep is wonderful..

i just have some egg roll.... then daddy left to work, then i waited for mom back...
leggy was with mom, then they came back, miki is back ( miki and leggy re on exam now)
then we had lunch at home... then i rested...
then i walked out. i just wanna take some walking.
like what i did a vancouver.

i take a walk to... anywhere.
then i walked to ta po parkn shop... (supermarket).
then walked to Jusgo (the department store)...
i bought some fried potato... then back home =) i was eating that potato with my sisters heehee
then i watched dvd, " SPL ", a chinese movie, very nice...
i think the name in chinese is... Sa Po Lang. haha

anyway, i was resting today ^^
then, i come on line again, and checked for mails, from my groupmate,
discuss with them on phone and here, then... my head is getting big... sigh,....
okay... take it easy castor...

i hope i could finish the questions by tonight, and then..... yea, i got some other stuffs to do.

just now was chating with aug, hummmm wish him well.

night castor.
***

>>January 11, 2006 at 1:53:08 PM GMT+8

2006 年 1 月 9 日 星期一 【晴】

This is a personal entry, so if you're not my friend, plx leave.
i dont want to talk to the whole world how i feel, what i did.
i dont want to sit on the Nathan Road, and talking to the ppl who's with their mask.
i dont want to open up myself in public. this is not the place for peeking one's life.

Today,

i walk in mong kwok, after school.
substance abuse class is end quite early today, one hr earlier... great!
coz i could go home rest earlier... so tired.
when i was in mong kwok, i think of vic vic, coz on the last sunday, we were at mong kwok,
i really miss her alot, yea i think of her and the days with her in canada.
then i start to miss ade, cyn, and alesja, dong eon, my school, everyone.

last night i was working on the group report till 3 30 am,
man, you know... i seat in front of the com for how long , i mean you guess...
if it's just for this report... i really spent a very long time ...
ask me why? HAHAHA... * silence. sigh.........
fine, it's done already... then i'm going to do the sec report, yea but still need to rush the paper
for evaluating behavior research..... you know what... i dont wanna comment.

yea, i 'm feeling sick, not fever, not cough, not headache, ...
but i feel like shaking alot, very cold, and "por appetite". but i do a lot today?
kindda, i have an early lunch at 10 am, mom bought me some chinese rice roll and two dumplings.
then i got ice-tea for my first class around 12 30. i finished the first half in 1 min, then i finised
the rest, half of a can, in the next 2 mins. haha.
then... i was hungry before the sec class, around 3 30pm.
then i bought a tou fu (chinese style: fried tou fu), yup my first time to try...
then i bough 6- *fish Ball, the japanese bbq with bunch of sause one... i dont know it's name.
i really ate alot huh? but i want to vomit...
aiya... it's not fever, or what so cant take pils, but i really feel energy less and desire to vomit.

today, teacher said... the great mind looks into idea, the medium mind discuss events,
but little man talks about things,(or ppl),...... haha... i was laughing.
coz it's funny what.

i'm not happy.

yesterday class was nice,... then i've chated with my teacher, oh gosh...
i just forgot what i wanna say... ok then... save for the next time.
oh yea! i remember... i mean... we were chating about "peace".
i said when i was in canada, i was a type A person, (yea, Lisa said im ;> )
i remember only Dong Eon is type B. Type A means... ppl would tend to be easy get stress,
and work very hard... or... they dont like to wait, they like to take action instead.
then, when i was in there, i work very hard, and i feel like canadian 's very slow...
i felt abit boring sometimes... but i do enjoy in the boring life actually haha...
but coz hk, cant let me stop, so... i rather be the faster one, than to stay slow and being left out.
i hate this, but i'm okay with it...
however, somehow i'd feel tired of my life in hk... i'm still young, and i'm happy with my life
in asia, coz... yea i can get more chances, bigger compitetion, challenges more...
but i really feel tired, but then cant move back to the relax life.
what's life for then? since you just can keep working but cant stop... what's that for...
when i want to slow down my steps on street, i would find... many ppl passing me.
when i want the peace on the vechicle, i wanna rest, i know i'm not resting.
my brain was worring for this and that, my mind didnt stop.
when i were there traveling on bus, i sang, i talk with ppl(they're sincere, friendly, nice)..
haha... strange huh?
hummm ppl is like that... i think i need more rest and exercise.

actually, i got neck and shouder pain, musscle stressed..
thanks to the busy life bring me in the boring world, so meaningless... working for unhappiness,
working for sickness of body, sickness of mind... working for escaping life, working for
undisscouver hurts. i'm not blaming for my busy-ness, i'm just wanna blow out my -ve feelings.
i'm not blaming on anyone, especially him... he must hold his reasons, his business...
i cant blame on him tough i really feel like being neglected for soooo long...
the feelings is damn bad, but.... it's like how i put myself in the situation.
as the question i've asked before, should i just leave the situation or how to adjust myself ?

i'm not happy.
but i'm okay... coz... i have my lovely family and my dearest friends ...
i'm okay with the psy. need, then moving up to the security level, and i'm fine coz i ve home,
i ve the protection from family and friends, then upper is the belongingness.
that's my problem. i dont know where do i belong to.
is it hong kong or somewhere else? my home town is definetly hk...
but i feel like i dont belong to here. ummm then, in the relationahip, i dont find my belongingness too.
i know i'm with him, but,... oh well, i dont wanna talk about relationsip in public.
then yea.... where do i belong to... it's very important. coz if i'm stuck in this level,
it's hard to develop in the higher level, as the esteem level and self actualization...

i'm not happy...
but i would strive for it lor, coz thanks for jesus, i'm a strong girl in germini.
i want to be a independant girl, and i dont want to rely or lean on anyone.
thanks for jesus, my family and friends.. hee...*silence.

***

>>January 10, 2006 at 1:25:27 PM GMT+8

2006 年 1 月 8 日 星期日 【晴】

Today, i have one thing to say : " Fuck off, i dont need anyone's pity "

2006 年 1 月 5 日 星期四 【晴】

If there's no hope, i wont get dissappionted.
if i didnt give chance, didnt tell, i woulnt have to face the situation of today.

i didnt give lots of hope, but i still feel down.
it's like fear.

so, i should input less, or i should look less on the outcome, or i should change my value,
or i should think something like there'll be not better than now or i should just leave the situation?


for you, why.
for my dear castor, why i still care...

>>January 6, 2006 at 3:21:38 PM GMT+8