2006 年 5 月 29 日 星期一 【晴】

呼吸著一種孤獨的味道
心跳在你沉默以後慢慢的被淡忘掉
我笑了笑　反正你看不到
我要的幸福　遺落在你懷抱

＊當愛失了焦　那些最初的美好
　早被你擱在一角　街上擁擠人潮
　走著看著都是催眠符號
　記憶停不了　穿過讀你的心跳
　穿過想你的味道　我只想不被打擾＊

假裝多好　我只要　只想要　再擁有一秒
去相信你的擁抱　一直會讓我依靠
繼續等待　還心甘情願的不想逃
------------------------------------------------------------------------

that song is not too bad..
sometimes, ppl have to fake? hummm i m not sure...
when the situation comes, then i tell you.

hummmm today woke up ard 10 30 am..
got a mesg... but too moody to reply... i didnt know what's going on... my mind is so messy...
anyway, have breakfast and watching tv... the ending of that korean series. so great...
and then i go to work..

hummm at office... so busy today... working non-stop... i mean... before one thing done, then other
thing comes already... so tired... then wait till 8 something, then i ate bread...
hummmm =s busy... but still ok lor. coz.. i'm helping the students, i'm working for them.
i ve no complaints de.. and then today got sth happened, so boss was busy handling those
students. oh my god... i dontk now... i feel so bad about those students.
i dontk now who's lying who is not.. anyway... i told that boy, if you really did that, then plz be brave
to admit what you did and appologize to Mr. chow. if you really didnt do that ok i would believe you.
coz... really got no prove to say that the boy did that, even though he did hold the chewing gum,
but youk now.. he was a bad boy it doesnt mean that he would do the same today.
and then... youk now, i really felt like... he didnt do that. i asked him a few questions.
and then i let him standing in front of me, watching me working. he was a nice boy.
he tried to help me. when i asked him questions, he looked so sad and.. i dontk now.. i just feel so
strongly that was not him.

some ppl could lie very well... and that's so disgusting and ... that just make me scared..
coz... i'm so easily be cheated. ppl plz dont come cheat on me...
i'm honest to you, plx be honest with me, too...

hummmmmm
last night forgot to put my book back to my bag.. then today, on the way home, no book to read..
feeling quite... heavy.. coz the book used to bring me some fresh air..

***
thanks for
a friend, i hope that's true, thanks for the blessings.
wish him would make the nice dicision later.

hummm... feels like sth has been changing.. dont know if i'm too sensitive.
anyway,... i wont let that dragging for too long.. i couldnt stand that.
the best way ... might be sad for me... armmmm i dont know.. armm i really dont know..
the best way to quit or the best way to strive ?
your choice, cas.


by the way...
when it comes to me, i usually grab it, and look...
hoping that's the right one for myself.
but sad that usually wrong.

and i wanna say... if it doesnt mean to be mine, could you just dont stop, just pass plz?
i dont need you.

***

>>May 30, 2006 at 3:40:31 PM GMT+8

2006 年 5 月 28 日 星期日 【晴】

hummmm today wake up, feeling upset, dont know why..
and then outside was so cloudy..

hummm i had breakfast at home, then left..
i go to work. erhhhh..... i was there, the office, but so free... nothing much to do..
couldnt open the file also, password got problems.. hummm...
then was just eating chocolate and... checking e-mails, then do some minor stuffs...
till boss really back then i started busy...

anyway, today is quite busy and tired. ok..... was busy cutting ans... wah... i guess at least
i did that no stop for.... 2 hrs? i dont know.. my eyes re tired. feel like doing art stuffs..
but you know, doing art is the very very happy thing !!! but then cutting ans is tiring haha..
anyway, i left at 9 pm.

back home, eatting dinner, watching tv for 30 mins.. sigh...
back here, typing and typing..

on the way, i read my book, hummm... when i read, my eyes moisturized.
why? coz Morrie said something made me wanna cry. Cas,.... now i know your heart is still alive.
i know you're a person, a human... coz.. you 're touched by what Morrie said.

[The Ninth Tuseday- We Talk About How Love Goes On]
" I've got so many ppl who ve been involved w/ me in close, intimate ways. And love is how you
stay alive, even after you're gone."
When Morrie was w/ you, he was really w/ you. He looked you straight in the eye, and he listened as if you were the only person in the world. How much better would ppl getr along if their first encounter each day were like this-- instead of a grumble from a waitress or a bus driver or a boss? "
" I belive in being fully present," Morrie said. "That means you shold be with the person you're with. when i'm talking to you now, Mitch, I try to keep ficused only on what is going on between us. i am not thinking about something we said last week. i am not thinking of what's coming up this Friday. i am not thinking about doing Koppel show, or about what medications i'm taking.
"I am talking to you. i am thinking about you." i remembered how he used to teach this idea in the Group Process class back at Brandies. ...... Morrie ......Here was a man who, if he wanted, could spend every waking moment in self-pity, feeling his body for decay, counting his breaths. so many ppl w/ far smaller problems re so self- absorbed, their eyes glaze over if u speak for more than 30 secs. they already ve sth else in mind-- a friend to call, a fax to send, a lover they're day dreaming abt. they only
snap back to full attention when u fininsh talking, at which point they say "uh huh" or "yeah, really" and fake their way back to the moment.
"part of the problem, Mitch, is tht everyone is in such a hurry," Morrie said. "Ppl vent found meaning in their lives, so they re running all the time looking for it. they think the next car, the next house, the next job. then they find those things re empty, too, and they keep running."
once u start running, i said, it's hard to slow urself down.
"not so hard," he said, shaking his head. "do u know what i do? when someone wants to get ahead of me in traffic..... --end

This is the most touching part of today.
hummmmm it's so true...
love is how we stay alive. you should be the person you're with now.
pay attention on him/her. believe in and stay at the present. when talking to him/her, only thinking of him/her.
could i stop running? i'm tired, very tired... fatigued actually...
i dont wanna keep running, i wanna take a break..
when i was in Van... i slow down myself. enjoy my every days and nights there..
yea, i had busy days for school stuffs.. but how much i enjoyed do you know?
i enjoyed every single days... even though i was busy and i was sad somedays..
those re all the days i couldnt forget in life. back to hk... feeling like... have to chase back the time i've
missed.. getting back to school, continoue my degree, then keep working... and in my relationshiop...
sucks man... i m not living for myself.. i'm living for loving the ppl around...
yes... i pay whole attention to the ppl i love... but then.. i was not happy.
i wonder why could that be... seems like.. losing the meaning of love. i'm too used to give w/ anything
back... but i'm not at Morrie's age group. at my stage, i need to be loved to get through the 6th stage of 8.
coz... i'm selfish... i am selfish. that's my instinct. i need to be loved, be respected.
could i be free ? i wonder if i could...... i dont wanna escape, i dont want to stop running..
are that really what i want? i dont know. i wanna stop, but the society telling me nope.
i slow down... for ? if i slow down would make myself even more sad or lost... why i slow down?
i wanna learn how to enjoy my life. i used to feel so happy when i love someone..
but then.... the fact is... i'm not happy. before break up, i was sad. after break up i'm sad.
what the fuck.. castor, what're you doing? and then... you know... your role.. has been doubled..
the now... you're single, and your role has still being doubled. coz the root of ur role has also
changed. you're no longer being someone's girlfriend and another person's dear.
you're changed and then.. the role split off, the sec role is... the one.. the bitch.
i wanna say.. i dont know... what i should do.
if Morrie is my teacher, i woul;d ask him, Morrie, you're not the god, you wouldnt judge on me..
plz tell me waht should i do..
if i follow my heart, i would get lost. why ppl get lsot, coz ppl dont wanna face the reality.
coz ppl's affraid, is weak.

Jesus... i'm lost... i dont mean to leave you.. but.. i dont know how to face you.

我想我　才了解 就算用盡了力氣也未必如願
季節沒改變　是眼淚　弄濕臉

***

>>May 29, 2006 at 3:47:22 PM GMT+8

2006 年 5 月 27 日 星期六 【晴】

Last night... i slept ard... 1 or 2 am i guess...
then... wahhhhh woke up ard 1 pm. hee.. so long sleep...

dad drive out, then we had lunch outside, then went to supermarket..
hahaha... i bought some tea bags and chocolate. hummm tomorrow i could bring tea to office =P

back home watching tv, very sleepy... then... i watch Batman movie..
quite dark dark kind.. haha... i was asleep =P
hummm
then have dinner after Miki's tutor left.
then eatting sweet soup, and watching tv.

normal sunday =) ermmmm... today is so cloudy... i m wishing a sunny birthday on 12th. hee.
got some flirting mesgs, eeeeee hahaha.. then got a sweet call, hey !
i'm happy ! i think i could really do some research outside now.
i've discussed with Shan before =) Shan, you know what i mean right ?! heehee..

tomorrow i will go working, from 1 to 9 pm.
and then, hummmm.... i will work from mon to Sat this week.
i wanna be busy, dont wanna stop. dont wanna, dont want. really dont want to stop..
***

>>May 28, 2006 at 3:09:34 PM GMT+8

2006 年 5 月 26 日 星期五 【晴】

i'm at work now..
hummm busy at first, but then now quite free.
boss would be back in a few mins from his exam.

anyway, i was reading the e-mails, the break-up e-mail... that's sad.
and i still can feel how mad i was. sigh.... i was mad, Benny was sooo mad.. sigh..
when i think of that, my heart pain, and i feel sad... why we have to be that? i dont know...

oh... Rami cam in haha... alright.. yes, upstair plz..
hummm Mr.Lam is beside me =)
and then i see another two teachers-sir, and one miss.

hummmm after work would meet Tung? He hasnt called me yet..
and then.. i dont know... i might just hang around ?
i just wanna breath.

be back later.
12:42, Prince Edward Office.
***


hi, part two: 9: 12 pm Home.

hummm finally i was eating lunch ard 2 pm i guess ? then...
was busy though, and then while i was doing some printing , heehee =) i got the sweet call hee.
yeah~~~~! finally finish ^^, the exam gone, great =) coz he can rest le.
hummmmmm but i was working, then boss was ard, the room is quiet, so.. i couldnt say what.
i went into the washroom, then say.. i miss you. hee.

okay... before lunch, before boss back, i've called Shan and Tung hahaahha...
so bored? yes.. hummm called Shan coz i know she's free only this week.. so gave her a call..
see could meet her lor. she's one of my best, my buddy, always =) yea she's very very busy..
she could be my buddy, guess what? hahaha coz.. i seldom hang out also , sad huh? okok..
not sad not sad.
Tung, what did you say last night ar huh? hahaha... who said today would meet me? was that you?
anyway, you're so mean =P i said i'm sad, then i'm sad la, what dont look sad.
by the way, your laughs re so cute, feel like we're back to high school already.
yes, high school was so fun and lovely =) hummmm monday i would work so.. i wouldnt go back..
i wanna go with you, but i wont be free on that day keekee =P
Tung is a very nice guy, anyone with him would feel so warm.
when i'm with him, he takes care of me, he's a sweet guy actually. i wonder why his ex girlfriends..
i guess he would have someone nice ! =) not so far... soon hee.

okay.. after work, went to Lamham Plaza to meet Shan eventually, hahaha...
we walk around, finally seat at the Taiwanese Tea House.. we seat for at lest 1.5 hr i guess..
hahaha... we tlak about everything ! =P
then... we took train back to Tai Po. she alight at Tai Po market, then me went home.

hummmm share song with you all:
過敏 --
歌手：楊丞琳 | 作曲：黃淑惠
填詞：大麥 | 編曲：洪敬堯


你消失的一百天
我沒了笑臉　怕別人看見
我敏感的神經線　一點一點　沒知覺

＊泛紅雙眼　不成眠　它跟著我一整夜
　麻痺的臉　特效藥也　無解

　才發現　我正擱淺在愛情過敏的季節
　Oh　過敏源　是對你的思念＊

＃我想我　才了解
　我正停格在愛情過敏的季節
　季節沒改變　是想念　沒斷線＃

REPEAT＊＃

我想我　才發現
感情塵蹣已佈滿了我的世界
Oh　過敏源　是為你流的淚

我想我　才了解
就算用盡了力氣也未必如願
季節沒改變　是眼淚　弄濕臉

REPEAT＃

季節一直變　但我的心　沒有變

你消失的一百天　我沒了笑臉　沒知覺

***

hummmmm i wonder my way in future..
would it be so lonely... would it be sunny? would it be colorful or beautiful ?
i dont want darkness... i want brightness.
i could give up my dream job, my work, but to stay with the one i love the most.
i used to ask myself... i know i really really really work hard for my future, to get my degree,
to gain social experience, coz i wanna get into the airline company. but then... if i have to choose,
i would choose my love or my dream. then i come up an idea..
my dream should be something most beautiful in my life...
for me, i would really look forward to getting marry and have a sweet, warm family with my husband.
we would have a sweet family with one or two kids. so.... i would have three people tied with me.
then they would be the most important people in my life, (of course i have my parents and sisters).
yea.. so my dream work... is just nothing if i compare the three people with that.
i would want to work before i have kids.. but if i ve kids.. i would still want my job, but see...
if my husband could afford the house hold, everything.. then i might not work.
i wanna be a nice, sweet, nursing mom and a thoughtful wife. hummm i think.. i'm... just... a bit...
weird ,right ?? coz.. i know hk women.. dont think the same way as i do.. so forget it la =)
wishing that would come true. if it doesnt work.. it's okay..

June... my birthday is coming sigh... so shit... last year, i was so busy preparing mid term haha..
then... ard my birthday coming, i asked them if they would celebrate with me >.< haha..
then... Tai, Taku, and Dong Eon organized the very very great birthday party for me.
made me feeling so warm, so loving,... i felt like i was the princess... at that day.. i thought
they wouldnt come to my party... coz was raining so hard. i got up super early, like 8 am..
then i started to wonder what to wear, if i should put on some make up hahaha...
then time was passing so slow, i saw outside keep raining.. i was chating with Simon on line..
he said.. if tonight raining, then my firneds wouldnt go, he said he drive me to have dinner and movie.
i said.. nope.. i wanna go there to seek for my friends. i hope they would come... =(
then eventually i went to the resturant. and befoe i got there, i got supprised =)
really thanks to... Taku, Dong Eon, and Dong Eon's friends. gosh.. these guys re just sooooo
sweet.. haha.. i really love them alot. that was so unforgettable. i gave them hugs when i left.
i noticed that Dong Eon was shocked... haha silly him.

hummmm that was my 19th birthday at Vancouver..
then my 18th birthday was so unforgettable also.. hahaha... i remember i had a small cake
with Calais, Vencent, Joey and Nikita at Tsim Sha Tsui habour hahaha.. after school right?
so lovely.. they're my buddies at my last college- USU. humm heehee.. how're they doing now?
Vincent and Calais re in Aus now, Joey is busy working, Nikita.. dont know..
then ony my offical birthday, i had my first pubbing experience, a fruit bunch at After5 =)
with Shan, then i had a birthday party at Water's home. hahaha!!! they're throwing cake.. hahaha..
that night, many ppl there.. some re not my frineds =P hahaha.. but fun.

this year.. sigh... dont know leh...
i dont use to celebrate , coz.. in Primary school or high school... June 12 is on the exam period.
every friends just tell me later later, then later got other firneds' birthday hahhaha..
then finally every year is same la.. i dont complain for anyting ;) coz i do understand...
so, since my 5 th bday, i got the next birthday party when i was 18th.
i had some small celebrations with my family in those 13 years... but i would say... now..
i couldnt chase back my time.. my childhood was gone.
begining from my 20th bday coming, i would say byebye to my aldolescent also... seeepppp....
stepping in the young adult age. not old, i think i would love my 20 , 21... coz... dont know..
i guess... before 20, still look liek a little girl, but after 23, ppl would think you start getting old hahaha..
true, right? so... 20, 21 , 22... re important, at least in Asia... in the North America.. that's totally opposite.
anyway... what my birthday would be like? i really wish that i could go back to Van earlier,
so that i could celebrate my birthday with Cyn and Ade and Vicvic.. or i could go back to VPC,
to find Dong Eon, Tai, Taku... but then i've already lost ltos of ppl.. that's sad ? yup.
but birthday shouldnt be sad =) cheer up, Cas...
i'm worried.. i'm affraid.. coz.. .thi year.... i lost my love, lost my lots of buddies, greatest memorries
from Van or SG.. so... basicly.. i will have nothing to celebrate, and not sure who will gonna stay
with me on my birthday, except my family. so... i feel like... i would go back to those 13 years.
dont cry Cas... plz dont...

I MISS YOU ALL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
where re you guys now? what're you doing =( ?
***

>>May 27, 2006 at 2:33:04 PM GMT+8

2006 年 5 月 25 日 星期四 【晴】

Last night, watching tv till 3 am...
super sleepy..

then.... today woke up ard 11 am, then have two dumplings ...
then go to work. today is quite busy ~~~
hummm anyway, we will have three more teachers coming in July =) great.
today busy doing lots of diff things.. and now i dont really remember what i did. hee..

hum, ok.. got a call from Tung. thanks, hummmmm yea, perhaps could see you tomorrow =)
so long havent met you !

hummmmm....
there ll be more tasks and projects coming in July and Aug, i mean at work..
and then... i m not so sure.. if i m really "good" to my position.
coz basicly, i'm an assistant now, but later i will have two assistants to help me (generally speaking).
hummm boss said... later we would have more projects. and he would let me help him, then..
he would be out of the Team, so.. he might need me to incharge the admin.. so.. he wants me
to take over all the tasks now, and then later work with another two staffs. then i would be like the
leader, to apply tasks and seperate well to them, then.. that's the system he would want.
and then... since we set up the system then we could do some big projects, make big money.
he holds some projects in hands now, so.. just wait the Team be ready, then.. yea..
then i m thinking like i'm just a part-time worker and i m not so sure if i could be... that important in
office. that's my concern.

hummm got the sms from dear someone, we would see, we would catch up later.
hope him take time to rest....

hummmmm still thinking of Benny. dont know how he is now.

All Or Nothing -- O Town
ooooooo......

I know when he's been on your mind
That distant look is in your eyes
I thought with time you'd realized its over, over
It's not the way I choose to live
And something, somewhere's got to give
As sharing this relationship gets older, older
You know I'd fight for you
But how can I fight someone
Who isn't even there
I've had the rest of you
Now I want the best of you
I don't care if that's not fair

Cause I want it all or nothing at all
There's nowhere left to fall
When you've reached the bottom
It's now or never
Is it all or are we just friends
Is this how it ends
With a simple telephone call
You leave me here with nothing at all

There are times it seems to me
I'm sharing you in memories
I feel it in my heart
But I don't show it, show it
And then there's times you look at me
As though I'm all that you can see
Those times I don't believe its right I know it, know it
Don't make me promises
Baby you never did know how to keep them well
I've had the rest of you
Now I want the best of you
It's time to show and tell

Cause I want it all or nothing at all
There's nowhere left to fall
When you've reached the bottom
It's now or never
Is it all or are we just friends
Is this how it ends
With a simple telephone call
You leave me here with nothing....

Cause you and I
Could lose it all if you've got no more room
No room inside
For me in your life

Cause I want it all or nothing at all
There's nowhere left to fall
It's now or never

Is it all or nothing at all
There's nowhere left to fall
When you've reached the bottom
Its now or never
Is it all or are we just friends
Is this how it ends
With a simple telephone call
You leave me here with nothing at all (2x)

All..........

***

nite Cas..
tomorrow go working, remember to enjoy the sunshine =)
remember to smile, to feel the happiness... plz...remember that.
***

>>May 26, 2006 at 3:23:56 PM GMT+8

2006 年 5 月 24 日 星期三 【晴】

hey....

where is him? hummm no news from him these two days...
is he alright? hummmmm strange... i dont really like it.. coz... if i keep mesging, then i feel like i'm
too irretated. if i dont mesg him, then ... i'm worried that he would wonder why no mesgs from me.
i should call or i shouldnt call? coz... dont wanna bother him..
hummmmmmmmmmmmmmm dont want too much guessing. i'm just tired of it.
if you mean it, then do it or say it. dont mean that then dont act like one, right?
so... yea... let's wait and see =)
i hope he's fine =(

today, got a meeting at school, hummm i think i'll not transfer my credits to Saint Martin University..
i've a discussion with Edgar, and i know i just shouldnt. anyway, i'm happy now =) coz i've made
my decision nicely. and i'm look forward to the new center here =) our Raffle Campus HK.

then i go back to work... hummm ard 4 something, boss and me have lunch together.
he was talking with a student for an hour. soooo long.... then i was doing printing.
haha.. dont know why, he bought me lunch hoho, he said he 's happy today, why?
he would tell me next time =P i guess probably coz of ... big money 's coming in his pocket haha..
okay...
and then C-man came today. =) hummm do a bit breifing to her... yup, my boss let me choose my
partner hohoho... so... i could work with my firend. that's better than he finds someone?
i think so... coz... i knew C-man since i was 13... we were from the same high school..
have been classmates for 2 years then... we're friends... nice ! =D
she's so pretty, so nice. so, my mom and aunt said.. aiya, you're so stupid, why introduce a pretty
girl to your company. then now you got no chances le. hahahaha!!! aiya~ i dont care too much...
yea, C-man is really nice and pretty and there're always guys chasing her.. haha so ?
if the guys really like her.. then no matter what they would like her de... so... shouldnt mind for that =)

anyway... then, i waited till 9 45 pm to leave. and then i attach a girl on train =)
why? coz that little girl live so far from the office, then... yea better wait for her, then we left together.
okay... tomorrow would be more busy than today.

on the way home, i have been thinking of some questions..
i dont know what i keep asking myself those questions all the time..
i think i just shouldnt write too much here.

feels like... miss him lots, but.. you know... we've broken up.
and what i really wish for is that... there could be a better one for him, in stead of me..
i'm just nothing. you know... i could keep this relationship, i broke it, not just coz i'm sad i m angry..
i'm not angry at him actually.. i'm angry coz... i hate that i couldnt accept couldnt understand him more.
couldnt accept what he does with his situation. that's all my problem. he's just doing something he
has to do.. so... who i'm angry at, actually probably myself.
then now you should know why i feel so tough.. i found that coz i'm not angry at him but myself.
and then i'm guilty and... shamed... so i said.. i feel so pain to lose the one i love the most..
not that kind of " i hate him so i break up or he lose me already." never this case.
now, i ve to face the future by myself, there would be no Benny in future..
no Burce Chew or Margrete Chew in future. isnt that sad? hummmm yes it is..
then i really hope he would have someone much nicer than me...
even though i m not sure what i would be doing... maybe i will get marry after he's married? i dont know.
i just wish him fine, and dont let me down... plx tell me what i ve done is right plz...
otherwise i would hate myself even more. i would just blame myself...

you know... if you really break up... it's... just... like impossible to.. patch up.
end is the end. i wonder... Benny would be fine so soon actually.
dont talk about myself, there's nothing well to mention about.
i just simply going through some stages.. i m not that committed to anyone of guys now..
coz... committment is for life. for me, it's hard now.. i just lose someone, then... i couldnt, just couldnt
accept, in my mind there's another one i would love for life long. impossible ?
especially, if ppl approach me too obviously, then.... i would be tenstion.. true.
hummm YUP, someone is very close to me, but... i also know,... his girlfrind is watching over me or us..
so..... i dont feel nice ... you know.. i'm not really a bitch.. i do know what i m doing is just damn bad,..
and......... i dont regret for that it doesnt mean i would do that twice in my life.
so, if there's space in my heart, i would really ask myself if i should do that again to hurt someone nxt time.
i would say nope next time, plx dont do that cas. then if my heart really feel like to do that.. than shit..
i would ask myself why why and why.. this time... i've already done it.. and i dont regret for that.
it's life. everyone is same as me.. that's life.
i dont wanna write too much about me and him here, coz.. i dont wanna make anyone upset, k ?
i m serious to this relationship, but you know.. i couldnt fix this problem by one hand.
i always say... it's hard to get the balance between the rights you have with the choices you make.
coz you just dont wanna hurt anyone. (the him, which i'm referring to the specific one).

well, i'm a bit affraid i would just make ppl angry or sad, when ppl read my entry... hummm but...
i'm just honest to myself, i dont know wht i could do more, as if i couldnt face myself honestly,
express the real self to myself. i should protect my little space, if i couldnt do that.....,
just so basic stuffs, basic rights for myself.. if i couldnt fight for that, then cas, you're just...
so poor. sincerety is very very very important for oneself. i know i dont have to right to say that,
but isnt it true?

the way not to hurt ppl is to be assertive telling the truth then feelings and sincerely hopping that the ppl
would accept you and respect you. try to do something to let them feel better, protect them but stand
for yourself.
***

>>May 25, 2006 at 4:54:39 PM GMT+8

2006 年 5 月 23 日 星期二 【晴】

sigh~~~!!!! so tired ~~~ feeling so heavy ~~~ !!!

sigh... die le... later have exam at 3 30pm.... =(
how to say... i feel super stressed, coz i just got a call from a friend that...
basicly i should prepare three more essay. what the hell... that's the bad luck from skipping class !
but last class, Mr.Chan only said two essay-tips what. so bad, how could tha be aiya =P
hahaha... die le die le..
i dont know la, Season called me just now, i'm so nervous now !!!! sigh....
i just wrote so much information for one question only.
then the other que i didnt care much... i wonder how would that be like..
i mean... i didnt prepare well on those short questions, then essay questions... sure will die..!!! >.< !!
die le this time !!!! ahhhhhhh ~~~~

last night i was reading book, doing some analysis la...
then watching tv finally.... so lovely taiwanese show... this time is Lin Zi Ning. so gentle woman !
so pretty and sexy. she's kindda cute.. naywya, i love Korean Series, too..
so i slept ard 3 sth am? i guess so...
then today morning, hahahahaha... so embarassed to describe such the conversation here. heehee..
yea la, thanks huh. then i slept and woke, slept and woke... finally woke at 9 30 am.
sigh.... have been preparing notes and reading for exam la.
i'm so affraid ~~~ so stressed so tired ~~!!! >.<

sigh...shut up ! ppl still think i'm just a lazy studetn, just have class then backhome on line chating
eating and sleeping huh? hell no.. i'm not. i need to work, study and i'm serious, responsible for myself,
creating my own future right now. and i'm totally responsible for my expenses now..
dont say like im just a little girl feeding by my parents plx.

i wanna be a gentel girl, sometimes i dont mean to say damn, hell, to talk abt shit, or saying "fuck"...
i dont mean to do that, but before learning to be gentel, i ve to be able to face my real emotions.
coz i dont wanna fake, i dont wanna lie to myself or others. and that's harmful.
i'm learning to be gentel, coz i do appreciate this charateristic. but i'm always being myself.
i think that's more real and nice. mostly, firstly i dont behave like that, i usually give my patient very
long time, then i try to break down, but it doesnt work, then you tell me how to let the frustration off?
sigh.... i really wanna be mor gentel, coz that's so beautiful hahaha ~

nah... anyway, i think i'm a gentel girl =D so i just bull shit above. hahahaha...
okay la Cas... relaxed? good, then go do your finaly preparation la~ plz~

anyway... i'm still sad to "lose" someone i love the most.
but i guess i'm not losing him anymore. coz he's on my heart, always. then it's more like "letting him go"
to somewhere more suitable for him. i would see more smile on his face.
i hope he would tell me that i didnt make the wrong decision while next time we meet ard SG.
i feel sad to let him go, coz i ve to erase all my hope with him in the future..
and i'm not sure abt my future anymore.
somehow it might be good, coz he deserves someone better than me, obviously.
coz i'm not good enough for him, i'm not understanding enough.
coz at the end, i just kept complaining to him, i gave up to try saving our relationship.
i just force him to admit his fault, but i think it's good for him. coz.. since he 's willing to accept the fact,
then it would be easiler for him to let go and move on.
i dont mean to hurt him so deeply, so i rather let him go now... would he understand how much i love
him actually? would he understand that actually we could really get married in the coming years,
but the fact is we lost the communication so we lost everything. would he understand tha what i ve
been doing is not demanding anything from him? i dont ask for that, i do that, coz i want him to be
happy, to learn how to be happy. i dont mean to distract him from his life, i just dont have the rights
to do that... sigh... eventually he doesnt udnerstand or i dont understand him at all. i just push too hard.
fine... i hope he would udnerstand someday, and then he would get the best girl for him..
i would miss him always, love him always.
just like Rami said... once you really love him, no matter what you would love him for life long.
yes, then i wonder ... now we break up, then later we wouldnt be able to have another relationship?
how to be a good girlfriend? i find it's hard... only gentel? i dont think so... even a gentel girl would be
dumped by guys or... i think... even you're a good girlfriend, it doesnt ganrentee that you 'll find the right
one. even you've got one, you guys might just... give up at the end.
i dont know...

Cas, plz go back to your studies first.
be back later.
Wed 13:09:50 (GMT+8)
***


Part two: 8 19pm.
hey... couldnt sms erh... why is like that huh? keep sending, keep fail...

anyway... before i left home, i was listening to songs and just hanging... ha.. too stress already..
then i went to Pacific Coffee, Festival Walk again, i ve the cinimon roll with cookies n cream chillino.
okay la.. i just stayed there for 40 mins i guess.. then i was having lunch and review together.
hummm you would easliy find me there, coz i usually sit at the small bar table, just ard the exist =)
one person, dont wanna bother the sofa or big table.... find somewhere convin and could stay
alone, then that's the best for me le. so i really love sitting at bar table, coz just only me there =P

anyway... the paper is..... terrible for me hahahaha..
nah just okay okay le.. i mean... i was late for 15 mins finally.. sigh... the latest one.
then i started imediately.. i didnt read the instruction... ha... big trouble..
coz at the first part... choose 5 in 7. but i do all... and i guess... he would deduck some marks...
stupid me spending quite a long on no. 6 (or no. 5) i was not sure of the ans, but actually i could skip it...
hummm 10 points each on the first part, so much ??? i d never thought that he would put 10 points each.
then i was thinking like.. OH MY GOD! the first part keeps 70 POINTS !!! but actually i was stupid =S
anyway, i thought just so easy to answer each, but then he puts 10 points.. now i'm worried leh..
coz i'd never thought of the point system or marking scheme... i used to do my best on everything..
so.. now i'm thinking like " OH NO PLZ... " haha.. i dont wanna lose any points plz...
i couldnt memorize all the information well but i do could answer the ques very briefly, base on
the information i choose with the anaylsis.yea... hope that 'd be fine..
hummm anyway, i feel like run off the topic.. and i write 5-7 lines each for the first part. so so..
then 1.5 pages each essay que.. 2 in 3, 25 POINTS each.... hummm i hope that 'd be fine?
i just keep writting about the situation with the cultural lens theory
and the schema theory... hummmm applying a bit the social learning theory..
i try to categorize the points into those ... dont know if it works or not... i'm not confident.

the first one i choose is about... women prone to depression and WHY then what could help.
hummmm i wouldnt repeat my ans here, but then i hope my ans wont be too far away from the topic..
i wrote abt the comparision of expectations from the past to now, then i write that from diff aspect,
try to link them up: nature v.s. nurture; double standed in terms of the gender roles, shcema theory,
psychologically and biologically aspect and then... hummm the evolutionary psychology perspective..
hummm hope that would be fine.. so basicly applying all regarding theories to explain why women fell
in depression easiler than men, then the suggestion i given are also from those perspectives...
too much right? guess so... anyway, even women fell easiler, if men fell, men would be more serious
than women.

then the sec que is about WHAT're the diff. of expectations among hk ppl, PLZ EXPLAIN.
hahaha... so many what ??? aiya... i was thiking how to ans him... so tricky erh..
coz... there're lots of bais and too general.. so it's hard to prevent the personal aspect, stereotypes.
i said... there's no exact ans for this que, coz bascily hk is more or less a multi cultural env.
then diff ppl from diff background, classes.. it's hard to tell all the diff.
just like there could be 100 reasons why ppl being greedy, and another 100 reasons of seflishness.
it's not that meaningful to count on that but then to understand and respect the traditions ?
hummm i explain the situation in our society through the cultural lens and schema theories.. hee..
then, i use the very good example hahaha.. i mean.. " greedy" and " selfish" re what the most
approperiate terms we come up from class. how to apply to the theories?
hey, it's commprehension !!! haha =P cant be fail de... i hope i made the connection clear enough.
at the end, i said... it's important for us to move on to the upper level of thought lor..
so bascily i feel like i'm running off. coz i couldnt actually provide the detials in those
" diff expectations". i just focus on the explanations. sucks ! =P but happy though.
finally i've done this... sigh... hope that would be fine..

last time, the presentation is for 30%, and then this final is for 70%..
so... i'm wishing to hold a B now, ha.... guessing impossible to have A.

anywya, thanks for my dear someone =P
***

>>May 24, 2006 at 1:15:49 PM GMT+8

2006 年 5 月 22 日 星期一 【晴】

hey =)

hummm today, finally didnt go to the airport... coz... sigh.... i slept around 4 somthing last night.
i just couldnt wake up (that's what my dd said) haha.. i didnt know he has woken me..
i set the alarm at 6 am, but then when i got up i though it was 12 noon... then i pressed and sleep again.

anyway, when i was still sleeping, i got a sweet call hee.
yea, still in bed.... last night bascilly was watching tv, even though i said i was studying.
studying and watching tv =P
so sucks... but the show was so great, too funny erh!!!
that's th Taiwanese show... the guest was Zhang Dong Liang. so cute...
i forgot his englsih name.. anyway, he looks like korean though. hahaha super funny..
his cantonese was so funny !!! but then those actors and actress said his cantonese was really
great. i was thinking, what??? hahaha.. and then his englsih was ok la, but then those ppl said
his english was great ! hahahaha okok... but i think his mandarin is great, and so as to his FuJian?
coz my mandarin is not good! hahaha and i konw nothing about fuJian !!! hahahaha...
ok ok ... he's a Malay, a very light skin color malay i guess. he has very sweet smile.but i saw his
high school and college pics, so terrible,.... haha all the ppl laugh out loud ! so funny..
and those actors are just super funny... even though it was around 3 am, i still laugh out !
coz just couldnt control... haha... the funniest time at a day is the moment that you could really
laugh from your heart, without any doubts or blink. and tat's me... should be me.

then finally how much i've read my book? erhhhhhh whatever i read i all forgot le..
so... actually,... i dont know. i guess.. i would just answer al lthe questions by my memorry from
class plus some analysis. i'm this kind of student... dont like to memorrize stuffs by hard at
home, but i do make my own analysis in class and then... i hate the stress from exam what..
if you force me to sit down and read, i would run away. but then if you leave me space to relax
and do what i want, i would do better on exam. strange huh? yes.
so i was in science group, math group. i'm just tend to think more than just memorrize.
i guess i couldnt be the lawyer or history teacher. i could be working in art, coz i ust used to be
spending lots of time in art and i love art. and then i could work in psychology of course..
i could work in the customer service, or in public relationship, coz i'm just really good at this..
maybe being a writter, coz i just love to share.. haha.. stupid me..
but mostly i wanna be a flight attendant, coz... i'm just very very glad to take care of ppl,
but i wanna be more professional, and i would like to visit all my frineds more frquently from all over
the world. and then i wish to see more, learn more from diff culture with diff ppl.
hummm besides, i think i would be a good wife and mom. hahaha... i dont know, i just wish to ve a
nice and lovely family in future. just like the one i have now. but better, coz i'm gonna have a nicer
family with the one i love, and we'd never be apart anymore.
i'm just so small in the world, i dont wish for much...
simple but stable and fun would be the best for me =)
i wanna keep the passion young, wanna keep the intimacy stable and last, then committment is the
just like a shell, like a home. love should be fresh and warm... and all depends on how you maintian it.
i'm confident in it, as if my future husband has the same thoughs with me =)
hummmmmmmm why cas could say so much about that huh? cas just broke up..

anyway..
i'm so happy today, even though i had sad time...
yesterday was dad's birthday ! but then we didnt celebrate..
today, i ve lunch with my parents hohoho. hummm Leggy forgot to bring a book.
then parents drive la, send to book to her school then we go have lunch =)
aiya, i really love having lunch with my paretns. coz.. i could be the little cas hahaha..

i couldnt be sad for 24 hrs/ day... if i couldnt recieve the possitive moments anymore,
that would be the obvious sign of getting depressive disorder. brain damage.
so, no matter how sad you are, accept the little happiness in life, make yourself smile a bit.
go cry, cry out the sadness then keep yourself back to the normal, continoue work or study.
dont give yourself excuse to be depressed for long a day.

hummm it's a bit late for me to really start studying for tomorrow.
but i know i would gonna make it great as i can do always.
i'm happy for that, coz ... i'm willing to try my bes and i'm doing this.

thanks all my dears.
thanks Jackie!!! i got your message on your msn nick!!! hahaha... "thx castor, miss you so much!!!" ;)
thanks form y dear someone.. thanks Leo.. thanks aunt Priscilla and my parents, thanks Shan...
Thanks all, Thanks Jesus.

i ve replied for Benny. humm all is sad but i think... Jesus is with us.
He knows all, even my sin and my good, He knows all.
***

>>May 23, 2006 at 9:35:17 AM GMT+8

2006 年 5 月 21 日 星期日 【晴】

Today got serious headache... damn...
feeling so heavy... and then outside is just so cloudy then raining all the time..
i need the sun shine man,....

okay... i got a picture:
my prefume: Issey Miyake L'Eau d'Issey Pour Homme Summer Eau de Toilette

with it's body lotion:

nice huh? yup, pretty nice... i love the smell, very fresh and clean. very lovely...

by the way, there're some new pictures at my album now..
go check them haha... mostly my for my clothes... i found it's hard to describe them in words
by my limited language. haha..
http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/lau_mei_kwan/album?.dir=aa50scd&.src=ph&store=&prodid=&.done=http%3a//pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/lau_mei_kwan/my_photos
hummmm or this : http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/lau_mei_kwan/my_photos (first file)

i was just awake, and checking the cam.. ahhh!!! that's my bb. i bring hims everywhere.
coz he sleeps with me everynight =P then the other pic was after dressed hahaha...
big different !!!

she's my dear aunt Priscilla =)

2006 年 5 月 20 日 星期六 【晴】

hummmm yesterday and last night...
i was with aunt.
i was working yesterday till 4 30pm,
when i was working... hummm my brain was so blink... couldnt do anything..
so sucks... i couldnt explain what's going on..
i had coffeee still the same.. anyway... i met aunt Pricilla after work.
we hang out and eat.. then finally i bought the prefume.. hummm on promotion,
hkd $ 325, that's Issey Miyaki... it's green color one... very nice and fresh smell.
i used to use the Raffle Lauren.. then now this one is not that sweet but fresh and clean.
i like both of them.

hummm ok... we back to Tai Po, had dessert before home.
then she came over la.. we seat, watching tv till really fell asleep..
i guess that was around 4 ++ am? then i went to bed le.. damn tired..

hummmmmmm today woke up like 12... then didnt wanna get up... huuummmmmmm...
we went to have Mcdonald's... so sucks... raining so hard the whole day.
sigh... get wet that's for sure... sigh...
then... went to Tsim Sha Tsui with her... so tired.. and raining so hard... so moody actually.
so sucks..
anyway, walking ard Habour City, then i went home le.. sigh..
got the call from Cherry, forgot that today i have a gathering with SOMA!!!
and i promised to bring some chicken wings for them !!! =.=
finally haha.. humm i went to E-man's home joining them lor...
their food is ok la =P nice !

okay...
hummmm
do i miss him? yes.
do i feel sad? absolutely.
do you think it's like the hell? true.
do i regret? dont know...
do i feel free? not really.
do i agree with what i ve done? hummm i dont know, i ve no ideas.
do you think you would search for a new one soon? i ve no ideas.
do you still love him? . . . . . yes. but sorry? do you think i did wrong?
i dont know...
but i asked him that... if we go back, would he still say the same thing..
if he does, then he would not regret for break up.


thx aunt Pricilla, thanks Shan, thanks my dear someone...
i got the messages from you all, thanks for all my friends, thanks for my boss, thx Rami,...
somehow when i hear you guys said congratulations..
i really dont know what to say. then i said.. i feel sad.... what's so great to break up with the one
you love, you tell me.
i dont know... anyway,..... it's sad.
and then... only shan, and Rami, didnt say congratulations.
hummm some ppl doesnt say anything..... Queenie only asked when. then dear someone didnt
say anything. hummmm i wonder.... what i should do now.
seems like... wanna tell my rfriends that we've broken up. somehow feeling strange to tell.

by the way, exam is coming on 24th.
aunt pricilla is leaving on 23rd.


here's a song:

流水很清楚　惜花這個責任
真的身份不過送運
這趟旅行若算開心
亦是無負這一生
水點　蒸發變做白雲
花瓣　飄落下游生根
淡淡交會過　各不留下印
講真　天涯途上　誰是客
散席時　怎麼分
***

我只想要 All I Want

曲：James Chu
詞：柯呈雄
編：Kenn C.

怎麼說忘就忘記　這甜蜜的過去　被思念包著厚厚的糖衣
不想再為了你傷心　這最冷的夏季　慢慢地　慢慢結成冰

＊承諾變悲哀　悲哀因我被愛　悲哀是你因為你不在
　我好想抱著你訴苦　卻顯得好無助　無助的讓人想痛哭

＃我只想要和你在一起　朝著幸福走去　像戀人般的簡單甜蜜
　我只想要和你不分離　怎麼輕易放棄　說你忘記

我想這一定是報應　都怪我太貪心　才讓你頭也不回的離去
黃色絲巾是想念　在樹上被風吹　孤單的　孤單一個人無法沉睡

Repeat ＊,＃

愛情怎麼會讓每顆心都碎
我不再相信你　卻又慢慢想起你

我只想要和你在一起　You are my baby my darling
我只想要和你不分離　be with you
***

>>May 21, 2006 at 1:46:44 PM GMT+8