2006 年 5 月 18 日 星期四 【晴】

okay... today is the presentation day.
i didnt sleep last night.

i was out after typing diary, i went to Pacific Coffee at Festival Walk,
then i arrived ard 4 20 pm... we stayed there till.... 9 pm.
i got home and brought Shan's lap top to home, i arrived at 10 30pm.
then... was busy setting up the com and transferring files to the lap top.
then, hummmm argued with my dad. coz he was just ... saying something he shouldnt say.
and i was so hurry doing all the stuffs. anyway...

i ate my dinner ard 12 30am... then keep waiting and preparing for those files..
then ard 2 am, finally got all the fines from my groupmates.. i was damn sleepy already..
then i go shower and sit down doing.. then keep doing non stop...
i was paning to have breakfast with Shan, coz i had to go to her home today morning.
then... yea hahaha rushing to go out... finally... i dont ve enough time to prepare my own part .
but then have to go already, was a bit late.
i went to her home ard 7 15am. then... sending those to my groupmates.
coz i just cant use the wireless internet service at my home. so yea gotta go to her home..
hummm then burning cd.. then yea i buy her breakfast at McDonald's la =)
hummm good morning. hahaha.. i mean... today is so sunny.. then we sit facing to the window.
so..nice.... hee... yea she's always my best friend...

hummm then she went to shcool have her exam, and i went to Jordon, Starbucks to meet my
groupmates. on the way, i kept calling them making sure they would come on time.
but then when i carried that heavy lap top with my bag... i just couldnt feel easy to breath.
i was so stress. coz you know what i didnt sleep.. my brain is 56k. hahah..
then... i'm so worried for the power point setting. coz.. i know there ve been some problems
on the clips.. then... aiya dont know what to do.. just yea... wiating for them..
hummm i prepare my part at starbucks.. so sucks... so sleepy..

then finally we're the first group to present..
sucks... those studetns re so nosiy... so bad =( and then... i was so nervous...
it's not like the me as before le... strange... when i was in high school, presentation is just nothign to
me. now... i'm not doing so good , maybe coz i'm too nervous??
i couldnt translate my script into chinese... so i wonder if i could speak chinese.. or just read
my notes... so i was so nervous. i usually couldnt translate eng back to chinese, eventhough i do
understand what it says.. and that makes me so nervous. coz all my groupmates and classmates
speak chinese =.= which i dont really understand why. it's a states school what...
anywya... i didnt do fine on it.. but my groupmates say i was fine. =(
hummm the presentation ws not so good... coz there're so many problems ...
and i wonder it was super boring actually. sigh...... but i think ii've done my best le =(

then after us, there're another group presenting the same topic... then i was so nervous,
kindda coz of them...=.= but then when i listen their presentation.. i fell like i was so stupid to be affraid.
they're just... noting comparing to us.. ha ? dont think so? i dont know..
i do appreciate their approach, which is more casual... but... it's just like the high school report.
so... and then teacher asked them so many points. He was ot sure if they really understand the topic.
hummmm dont know le... i think they're okay lor, but couldnt get high scores ?

hummm
then after class, hahah we took some pictures... last lesson in this building for me.
hummm okay ... then... our group just walk to Mong Kok... coz we had nothing to do la.
but then i was damn tired and the lap top is super heavy for me...
i juist back to Tai Po... then i met Shan... hummm wanna give her back the lap top..
Choi was there hahaha he would help her la. then... we seat at the Taiwanese Tes house.
humm i was eating my lunch at 5 pm... sigh... taiwanese carrot cake. nice..
hummm then i was asking Choi and Shan questions...
then Choi left.. and only me and Shan there... i cried.. finally, just couldnt hide up my tears..

actually last night i was weeping, but then i had to focus on the presentation so.. yea..
but then i still cried for so long... in the bathroom. hummm
then today i cried... at the tea house.. and then we were there for quite long..
then walk ard and we back home.

we talk about so many thing.. her stuffs my stuffs...
then we tak about Benny and me... then... yea dont wanna type out here.

okay...
tomorrow have work, then 24th have exam..
and then....i know some ppl would start the exam tomorrow. good luck to you.
hummmmmmmmmmm
it's not me dont wanna contact ppl... somehow i contact, but ppl dont contact back..
and then sometimes, i just dont feel alright... i need time to settle down.
but then i 'm thinking like... how about him or her.. i do concern on them.
i'd never wanna disturb ppl....


i'm damn sleepy... whenever wherever i sit then i could fall asleep in 2 mins
could guess my eyes re closing already..
wish the ppl luck on examssss ~
***

>>May 19, 2006 at 1:15:12 PM GMT+8

2006 年 5 月 17 日 星期三 【晴】

hummm i'm doing the powerpoint now.
have been waiting for the files... hummm whatever files i got, then i just work on them..
dont wanna spend anytime on other things.
i'm okay... i m telling myself... when i think of that, really start detacting my emotions,
i would just tell myself, it's okay castor... it's okay... stay calm...
then i change my focus, i focus on my school stuffs.
till now, havent finished... hummm still wiating for my groupmates' files.
i hope they would do faster... coz basicly, i'm quite worried, and i really wanna make it done
as soon as possible. later i would go out to meet them.

last night, i didnt watch tv, but i was working on my script for presentation and reading notes
for exam. then dad was in the living room with me. he was watchig tv. he's so funny..
he's eatting snack, then asked me if i want some. i said no, thanks. then he kept asking me,
and waving them to me, like hahaha.. eat some la, eat some la, so yummy.
so disgusting!!! nah just kidding. my dad is so funny. i said no ar ! no ar! dont wanna eat ar~
we're playing lor, then finally i ate. hahaha... coz since the cookies appeared home, i vent
touched them for once. haha... then dad said very yummy then i ate one piece.
he laughed at me so loud !!! hahaha so funny... then anyway, i also ate chocolate haha..
dad is so bad ar >.< always ask me to eat hahaha... then when i eat, he would say 肥婆又食野.

today i woke ard 11am... so sleepy... i slept ard 3 am. i started my work imediately just after wash up,
i have my "breakfast" ard 12 30... dim sum again =) heehee thanks, daddy and mommy.

aunt Pricilla postspone theflight again. so... she's leaving on the coming Mon? guess so..
so i might gonna meet her tomorow and Sat or Sun.

last night, while resting, i chated with an old friend. how old is he?
haha he's Chris's good friend, Wuhao... hummm i knew him while i was with Chris so long ago..
i was typing to him, even though he was "away". coz i ust want someone to talk to.. to listen me..
i just need someone... (oh come on dont cry cas..., hummmm ok... easy easy, easy...)
alright, i shared my feeligns with him, he adviced me what to do, really really thanks alot....
he knows i love Benny so much, and i shouldnt have destoryed otehr ppl's realtionship.
he said... i should wait, see how things go.
and... last night ,i was doing powerpoint, then i listen to the clips of the interview,
they're talking about marriage. that's the committment... you would... forever stay with that person.
no matter what, you wouldnt leave him, he wouldnt leave you. you guys strive for the happiness
together till the end. coz you accept that become part of your life... then... you wouldnt give up so
easily. and you'll be loyal to him, love him. coz he's the one you love the most, so does he..
if you dont love him, dont give yourself to him totally, no one would. same as him..
if he doesnt love you fully, no one would do that to you. he's the one, no one would be able to replace
him in your heart. that's so true.... and that's why... so many marriage was sad but never divorced.
i feel so lucky that i ve the very loving paretns, very nice family...
i wonder i've lsot the one i love the most, and what i'm doing here is just something i dont understand.
i'm really crying... but i dont know what i could do.
i'm not sure if i shouldnt break up or if im just too pain to lose him..
whatever, i think.. he wouldnt regret for that. and he deserves someone better than me.
coz... we're both the never turned back person.
he would rather let go than seeking for new chance. and me, i fear of the new chance in realtionship,
and i think... if you guys really love each others, you just shouldnt break up. since you broke,
you shouldnt patch up.

now, i dont know... but... the fact is... we' ve broken up, that means...
we've broken our hearts, broken our future and broken our dreams.

if you dont mean to break up, plz never say that out.
that's too high price to pay.
but our case... i m not sure... time would tell? perhaps everything is not too late.
i dont know what is right what is wrong. i just did that. i ve done that.
i used to say i'd never regreted for anything, nevr regreted.
i dont know if i would or not this time.



我只想要
作詞：柯呈雄　作曲：James Chu　編曲：Kenn C.　演唱：7朵花
怎麼說忘就忘記　這甜蜜的過去　被思念包著厚厚的糖衣不想再為了你傷心　
這最冷的夏季　慢慢地　慢慢結成冰＊承諾變悲哀　悲哀因我被愛　
悲哀是你因為你不在　我好想抱著你訴苦　卻顯得好無助　
無助的讓人想痛哭 ＃我只想要和你在一起　朝著幸福走去　
像戀人般的簡單甜蜜　我只想要和你不分離　怎麼輕易放棄　
說你忘記 我想這一定是報應　都怪我太貪心　才讓你頭也不回的離去
黃色絲巾是想念　在樹上被風吹　孤單的　孤單一個人無法沉睡
Repeat ＊,＃愛情怎麼會讓每顆心都碎我不再相信你　
卻又慢慢想起你我只想要和你在一起　You are my baby my darling
我只想要和你不分離　be with you

***

>>May 18, 2006 at 6:52:29 AM GMT+8

2006 年 5 月 16 日 星期二 【晴】

Last night i slept ard 4 am.
i just couldnt sleep. i have been thinking of some people.
since i left the com, i dont even spend a min on my exam or the presentation prepartion.
i cried, and i wondered if i ve made the right and final decision.

i was so sad waiting for Benny's sms. coz that's the last thing we could try.
but then, might be that's the fate... i didnt get any, which he claimed he did send.
i sms him last night, and i was quite mad at him.. i just said something i d never said.
today ard noon... i got the delay sms, which belonged ard 11++am..
he was so mad at me.... i replied and asked for the agreement, which means to break up.
we have been dragging here for so long. everytime saying the same thing.
but dont find anything better.
he said since i couldnt understand or dont wanna understand, he doesnt wanna waste my time..
then.. i asked him if that means coz i m not understanding, dont understand,
so he agree to break up and that's what he wants. he said no.
i told him, i dont mean to do that and he knows that very well. i felt like he's pushing all the fault
on me, i shouldnt complain, i'm not understanding. he said he's not pushing anything.
i asked him then why he said so.
he went off, and i know he just blocked me.

anyway..
i wonder how my dearestsss, you guys feel...
coz... finally see us slipting off.

today i didnt go anywhere, just staying at home resting, watching two movie, my fav. movies,
"The Sccopion King" and "The spiderman", till got some files from groupmates,
i started my preparation again. i wonder if i could finish them by tomorrow.
coz nowadays, i dont stay on line over night. i just couldnt. then, i wonder if i could do everything
tomorrow before 3 30pm. coz... i still need lots of information from them.
sigh..... where's Boey? i need her video file...and where's the audio file ?
why takes so long to do huh? aiya... i'm worried le... . . . . .
can do it faster, can ??? still need to do so many things... i need time to combine all the stuffs.
you send me till the last min, then i go die first, ok? just kidding..
2 case studies with video clip and audio clips, the introduction, the discussion, the sharing, and the
referrence. all is on the process. haiya~~~ how not to worry.
since they send me, tere're must be some mistake inside, then have to edit, have to make connection.
think how to present as the best way, how would it be like, what would ppl see and reflect.
does that match our ideas.. many many.. not just copy and paste... =S

anyway, now, i'm still fine lor... still could focus, i mean... i could control myself.
if there's anything, just plz wait till after my presentation and exam..plz..

sigh...
losing the one i love the most, and lately i ve hurt another girl, and i break others' relationship.
castor, do you know how do you feel? you fell so sucks... you know...
i couldnt believe that's the end between me and benny. and i feel so sorry to other ppl.
am i doing right or wrong... yup, i ve committed with benny that no matter what, we would walk
together till the end. and we planed to marry each others and having two kids, having our own life.
and now we're breaking back to two individuals. that's our committment ending, that's our story
ending, that's our love ending.. what the sad thing it is...
just coz of me... i break it. he told me that's me dont understand what's going on.
and i think that's me irreatating him so long. whatever... he wouldnt turn back one.
shame on you, castor... christian... am i still a christian?

***
Goodbye
歌手：Janice | 作曲：David Foster/Linda Thompson
填詞：David Foster/Linda Thompson | 編曲：謝國維

I can see the pain living in your eyes
And I know how hard you try
You deserve to have so much more
I can feel your heart and I sympathize
And I'll never criticize
All you've ever meant to my life

＊I don't want to let you down
　I don't want to lead you on
　I don't want to hold you back
　From where you might belong

　You would never ask me why
　My heart is so disguised
　I just can't live a lie anymore
　I would rather hurt myself
　Than to ever make you cry
　There's nothing left to say but good-bye＊

You deserve the chance at the kind of love
I'm not sure I'm worthy of
Losing you is painful to me

You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to try
Though it's gonna hurt us both
There's no other way than to say good-bye
*

how do i feel ?
damn terrible.. coz i break up with the one i love the most in the world.
it's me to break up... i lose him finally.
and... it's telling me that i ve to delete all the memorry with him,
cancel all my dreams with him. and... i feel like i'm with no one now.
i'm alone, really back to single now.
someone doesnt mean to be mine, never would be.
greater love comes with the greater lost. i ve loved him so much, and i lost myself.
now, i got myself back, but i lost him.
if you were me, what would you choose...

i said...i asked... if we could go back, if he would still say what he said today.
if he does, he wont regret for break up.
for me... i dont know.
who knows this news yet? hummmm only few ppl.

plz dont cry cas.. dont even think of it, dont start it...
plz stay calm facing your presentation and exam first.
the love is gone, he's gone.
***

>>May 17, 2006 at 3:45:00 PM GMT+8

2006 年 5 月 16 日 星期二 【晴】

sigh...

last night i was sad.. and i dont wanna say anything for that.

today woke up quite late, i overslept...
then i had breakfast ard 1030... coz parents bought me dim sum.
hummm wwnt to Festival Walk, coz i wanna buy coffee...
then i got my comfort coffee at Pacific Coffee... i seat there for so long, didnt wanna leave.
dont wanna attedn to class.
just wanna run away from all the stupid school works and the stress from ppl.
but then, of course i did attedn to class, otherwise...i would regret...
the presentation is coming on Fri... hummm i was pretty stressed...
coz i know if i dont do sth, we 'll be fail. in this school, if you get a B, it actually means C or stimes D.
coz everyone get A and B. then if you get D, ha... i would think you're the super lazy ppl.
so... i aim to get A everytime, eventhough it's quite hard to get..

anyway, i was sitting in class so late... i was late for... 45 mins at least..
and then i was chasing back all the information i missed and listening to some groups..
coz some of them present today. then i make my own outline..
actually ive started making the power point. but i wonder what i really wanna present to ppl.
so... i draw i write, i think.. i keep thinking... then finally i did it. i mean i got the very nice structure.
and i could see our product. that would be great, if all my groupmates do the great as i want. haha
anyway... hummm after class, i alk with them.. i'm just liek the leader.. and i wonder that's really
embarassing !!! coz... i'm a girl, ok?? then... guys and teachers re just all ard walking and hearing us
talking... then i feel like i'm like the old office woman talking to their followers or like the powerful
woman talking to their teamates.... sigh... i dont want to be this kind of person in future..
and die le... my image is like that... got fixed already...
teacher saw me, then smile to me, then asked us oh... sharing jobs huh? oh yea...
then another one walked by, then he said, actually you could go somewhere to do what...
aiya... just let us finish the discussion, can? (that's wha i think)...

then finally we all know what to do now, then i left..
i went back to Prince Edward, office.. i stayed there for 2.5 hrs... coz i wanna do my part first
before my disappearing in the coming days. i know there's like the war place now..
exams and tests coming from every high schools. then students and teachers re all busy and tired.
yea la.. i run away, actually i felt a bit guilty and sorry. coz i just wanna stay with them, but
i ve to take care of my presentation and exam first.
so... if i ve time, if i could ust do something for them i would do that imediately.
not just for salary what, that's my responsibilites and my concerns on those lovely students.

by the way, i took mtr to school, then i saw the very cute and smart infant. hahaha!!!
damn cute !!! i play with her. her parents re quite funny... but that girl is too smart,
her dad just couldnt hide up the candy, coz she got that eventually =P
she copy my facial expression... hahaha... so cute..

okay...

hummmm i switched off my phone today, the whole day.
coz i just need a break.
but then dad called to office, he got my office's number,(only my parents have),
i didnt know he called me.. coz i switched off my phone... then when i got back to office,
Mr. chow, my boss, told me there was a man calling me.
huh??? i was very supprised! then i told him lor, i just gave the number to my paretns only.
i asked my boss if he's a man or a young guy? he said a very poliet man.
hahahahaha then i'm sure that's my dad =P then i called back la, and yup =) that's my daddy.

see Benny on line today... chated for a few words..
and.. why he still give me hope? and it's just like the past.. eventually... no replies.
he sighs coz he miss me, okay then, i cry everynight, could you see ???

i'm so sick of my presentation today. all my mind is the powerpoint and the topic stuffs..
i didnt have time to eat lunch, i ate my small lunch ard 5 pm...
then.. i felt dazzed when i worked...
i put down all my stuffs when home then start doing all the stuffs imediately. i felt dazzed again...
i was home ard 8pm.... except those 15 mins for dinner, i kept sitting here ... i felt dazzed again...
sigh...i left home at 11 30, arrived Pacific Coffe ard 12 20, i seat there till 1 10pm
i arrived class ard 1 25, but actually i had class from 12 30 - 3 30, then talking with groupmates till 4 20,
then arrived office and worked imediately from 4 35 till 7 12 pm, then arrived home at 8 pm,
and doing stuffs till 10pm, dinner for 15 mins, back to continoue... till now 1 28am.

not falling asleep yet, but then i would go off soon.

i have to apologize to you, if you're reading my diary here now.
i dont want to defense for myself, for my fault and selfish behaviors.
i dont ask for forgivness, coz i dont deserve it. i dont ask for understanding or acceptance.
coz i just dont need it. however i'm very very guilty and i dont know what to do to make you feel better.
i dont want to lie to anyone, coz i hate the liar and i really hate cheating. somehow i hate myself.
i'm doing something ashame for myself. but i could only be brave to admit that i 'd never meant to
hurt anyone.
pl supposed to be the different ppl from the different world. i dont know why now both invovled
in the same circle now. i wont blame on anyone except myself. i take it as the experience in life.
i dont knwo what ppl think, but that's the only thing i could do. apologize sincerely.

here is used to be the peaceful place for myself for my friends.
but now seems like... a bit different.
somehow when i type out my feelings, i ve to think about lots of things.
i try to keep the honesty here, and i do try to respect the ppl invovled.
you could comment me for anything on anything. but i'm just so small in the world.
why make it so big.

i m thinking abt to set up password here.
but since i do this, all has been changed. i no longer be the real me...
coz what i'm doing here everyday, simply just sharing with myself and my friends.
if i set up password, then the meaning has been changed. and why i do this?
it sounds so unfair to my friends, coz when they know me first, here's the place they understand.
this on line diary has been acompanying me for.... ard 4 years ?
happy or sad, everything is written down. it's my history book.
should i really set up the password, huh? you ask yourself, not you cas.
if you gonna let the password lock this diary, what 's the pasword you should choose?
you let ppl choose for you or you decide for yourself?

nite nite castor...
op bba would say... castor, ah zaza fighting ! then he would smile to me =)
thanks op bba. i still remember how you teach me.
***

>>May 16, 2006 at 5:46:07 PM GMT+8

2006 年 5 月 14 日 星期日 【晴】

hummm.... where should i start...

okay, last night, i slept ard.... 3 am..
then today i over slept alot... hummm i used to wake ard 9am.
then today i got up at 10 40am hummm first got up, then wake up. too sleepy...
waking myself at bathroom...
oh.. yea... i seat on my bed then mesg my dear someone... ahhh... so messy mind...

oh, then ard 11:35, dad said let's have lunch together.. great ;)
coz dad was driving down to laungry(perhaps dont speel wrong)...
i dont wanna walk, heehee... then they drop me at Tai Wo, then i go supermarket to
but some candy, a can of candy... then i went to resturant wait for my parents.
we had dim sum... i didnt eat much, coz i had soya already... quite full.

i was watching tv, the music show, so nice !!! i think... this Japanese singer is the best one for me.
i mean... he's Ken Herosi? i dont remember his name well.. anyway, very nice songs..

okay, at office, not very busy first, then later quite busy... and at night, not busy...
ha.. that's it.
i like working here, coz.... it's not too tough for me, and i could handle very well so easily.
i m just under one boss, and i'm the only one in this small samll department, till someone join later.
and this's me going to set up the system in this station and later might be moving on to other places.
i love working with ppl, i mean not just working by myself and with myself.
i'm staying in the circle with lots of students, "kids" now =) and i'm happy.
when i see the teachers re teaching their classes, and i'm just so free sitting and watch,
i feel myself so special, coz i can sit and observe. when i'm busy doing stuffs and they'r just hanging,
i feel myself so special, coz i'm the only one, except my boss, could touch those secert files,
and know everything about this organization. you could watch me, but couldnt join me.

i love my dear someone's mesgs... it's like the support for me. i love it, really.
i love my book in my bag, the Tuesday with Morrie. coz it accompany me the way to home at night.
i read it and i feel so warm. hummm i would share more later.. not now...

then i love having lunch with my parents. coz i usually eat whatever i want hahaha... =D
and then it's like going back to my childhood. i could be the little girl, little princess =P

today my dear someone apologized to me.... the first time i m touched by his apologise.
and i wonder how lovely it is. he doesnt really do so wrongly, and i know he would still be the
same him, maybe, in the future. however it doesnt matter. strange for me to feel like this.
and i face my emotion(that's what Morrie, in the book, teaching me =)) then... i think...
it's just so great. sometimes, ppl dont mean to apologize, but they do.
sometimes, ppl mean to, but dont do. sometimes, ppl do apologize for nothing.
and some kinds of ppl would do the apoligise and keep being his real self.
for me, the true apoligise is... you do feel sorry for sth or sb, that's why you apologize.
it doesnt mean that you're gonna change sth or regret for what you do. you dont have to.
the ppl know you well, he/she would understand you, and accept you totally.
but dont forget to apologize when you do feel sorry. and only if you dont say out, that's the worst.

hummmm tomorrow have class, and i ve to go to office for some job assignment...
coz i m not going to work in the the coming few days...
i would be quite busy abt my studies, presentation and exam...
cas! ~ FIGHTING!!

few days ago, i forwarded the e-mail to lots of friends...
then... i got one reply, there's only him, Benny, forwarded that mail back to me.
what is he telling me ? what does that imply ?
i dont wanna make any points for him... if he means it, he should tell me directly or make it clear.
he doesnt say anything just forward to me... maybe... that's just coz of... that...
he click the icon "send to all".
i used to feel very very very happy when he e-mails me or just forward stuffs to me..
coz i would feel like so scarsty(i know i do spell wrong) and that's so loving from him...
just an e-mail, i could be really supprised and happy for weeks. and i smile when i sleep.
this siuatiion happened before, and i treated it like... i assuming he does that coz he wanna
imply he cares me, he wanan show me he just show his love to me...
today... i easily feel in this way... but.... ***"pasuse"
he doesnt say he does mean that or just ... by random.... maybe he's scaring that bad luck happens
on him or something else i dont understand.

i ask myself why i feel so much conflicts when i see his replay, that forward mail.
isnt that a must for a guy to reply his girlfriend ? and he did that. then cas, what 's the more you want?
i dont ask for anything anymore... i just dont know how to face it.
everytime i think of it, i feel so sour... my eyes getting mositure so easily, in 3 secs.
it's not the point i dont love him anymore... it's i dont know how to love him, dont know how to keep it.
dont know how to face it... i basicly stop walking, stop hopping for anything.
i blind myself in the dark, i refuse to guess, to look, to feel, to know.
till now, he's still the same and i m changing... from the very happy girl to a hopeless one.
i dont blame on him, just myself dont know how to match with him.
we re like walking towards the different place. or actually we're not walking together.
he's with himself, and i'm alone. he's chasing his life, yes, carrying me behind.
but he doesnt know i'm left out far away already.
i dont know what i would do if he apologizes to me. i dont even know if he feels sorrr for.
everytime i say, he would tell me his reasons. i dont wanna argue it doesnt mean i agree.
somehow i want show him i'm listening to him. strange, weird, our communication is like that:
i talk, he hears and defenses. he defenses, i listen. then i state my position, and no replies for more.
i ask, he replied shortly, then i ask more, and then the conversation stopped.
he asks, really really really seldom, i reply for long but he doesnt listen with reply.


The below is for my Benny... if he really means to treasure his life,
he would just be here and read w/o the invitation... otherwise.. he might know someday?

you dont have to know much more about me.
coz that's just so little about me.
you dont have to tell me your feelings, coz i'm so tired to wait and listen.
i gave in all my patient, my love, everything... but all is just the blink to you.
i wish you to understand what life should be like, i want you to learn to live happily, to enjoy
the life. dont be so "dark" everyday. life should be great and warm, depends on the hearing.
life is the reply to the the ppl ard you. love is the thing that you show.
i wonder how much you understand, and i know i'm just... someone pass by your life.
i ve stopped for you. now i know, at that moment, our ways became different.
if i m really the one you love the most in the world, there's another you distracting you away from me.
the fact is... he wins... i dont mean to compete with him... but he wins.
i m loving you, and that's why i'm so weak.
i love you, that makes myself stronger and i only know how to give in.
now, i wanna give up, but you keep me. i wanna cry and i did cry and weep, you dont hear any.
what s the point for loving you... i dont know.. i just wanna love you.
so funny... coz....... i dont know how to explain it and dont know how to face it.
i dont want it anymore... coz i love you too much and i'm killing myself.
i wonder if now is the right time i should leave you alone, otherwsie you'd never known what
i really meant in your life and you'd never thought about the real self, the meaning of your life
***

nite cas...
dont be affraid dont be fear of your sadness.
coz you're gonna eperience all the emotions, maybe jus by yourself.
and those re the gifts form Jesus.
there must be happiness, and sweet fruits in future waiting for you.
just need you, cas, to expereince them.
enjoy the life, hear yourself, listen to others.
***

>>May 15, 2006 at 4:28:20 PM GMT+8

2006 年 5 月 13 日 星期六 【晴】

i m writting about last night, even though now is ... 1 15am.

last night, when i was in the bathroom, finally cool down myself from the happy memorry, haha..
then.... i turn on the radio... they play the song "Young Qi". damn...
i really fear of this song... this song is the old song, belonged to my high school age.
and ard that period that was the pretty hard time for me.. coz i lost two boyfriends within 9 months.
and after the first breakup with Jun Ming, i fell in the very horrible depression plus stress for my
hkcee. so... finally i fail my hkcee... and since like that, i couldnt go F.6
Chris also brought me super big depression... for... 1 year plus, till i met Benny.
then Benny... haha... you guys know the best of us.
so... 愛真的需要勇氣, 來面對流言非語, 只要你一個眼神就肯定我的愛就有意義.
till now, i still remember this song and the other one, Jackie sang for me...
tht was the... unbelivable time for me and her... coz she's always my best of the best.
and we knew each others since 9 y.o...
泡咖啡讓你睖手想擋擋你心口裡的痛...sigh....."fen shou kuai le"

then my heart sour, and my eyes mosituralize. tear drops fell down, and finally weeping.
i look at myself... i saw my tired eyes. they're telling myslef how much pain i feel. how tired i am..
it's like the complain from myself, directing to myself. from my heart, input to brain, through
the mind and out then signal to my heart that 's like the circle...
my heart pain.

i felt pain coz i asked myself why... why Benny knows he's hurting me, he could do someting but
he doesnt do anything. he just doesnt. anything i would be happy but no.
his mouth keeps saying he loves me... i wonder what love is like.
and now, i feel pain.

today, i was supposed to wake at 7 30 am? i forgot le... but i overslept..
then finally delay the meeting time with groupmates.
anyway, i was still the first one to get there... Season was, but she left hahaha..
so finally still me the first one to there! hahaha.. kidding.. what's so good to be the first??? hahaha..
okay okay la... i was hungry and very sleepy le... have been busy for the whole week..
no time to rest le... work or school then hang out with aunt... no time staying at home except today.
but today is busy too.

ok la.. i ate my fav. bagle heheee with the morning coffee.... but after coffee still feel super sleepy.
then... i kept chating with Season... we talk about lots of stuffs... haha.. funny..
yea, we're at Pacific Coffee, at Festival Walk.
okay... then finally we wait till around 10 40am.. i was there since... 9 45am.
then everyone came except Candy.. then we really started.

walking around, wishing to look for a gift for mom... but nothing good i wanna buy for her.
coz i know she 's so picky... she doesnt like expensive stuffs or just a t-shirt, she thinks so much.
like doesnt like deep neck cutting. not really deep still considered as deep. then nothing could be
nice le... i like deep style, but she doesnt. then i dont find pretty stuffs for her. hahaha
i wanan buy earrings for her... coz i've bough her a set of earrings with necklace for her...
then she was very happy. but i went to Marks&Spencer... i dont find anything she would like.
then i give up. i wonder if i should buying sth really nice for her later not now.

okay... back to Tai Po, bought something for aunt, she's going back really soon le... miss her..
then, meet my family for lunch. wah... everywhere is so crowed..
then after lunch, me and mom go market and supermarket... coz tonight, we have noodle =P
then back home... start organizing the stuffs for presentation, and start making powerpoint.
hummmm searching for the nice background, differnet pictures for different subs.
i just could do this kind of stuffs first tonight. and i also start my parts. hee

my dear someone is very stressed. hummm me too. when i'm stressed, im very irretated..
easy to feel angry and when i really focus, i usually, always heck care whatever happening ard.
i would just being very rational and keep doing analysis on my parts, moving on quite fast.
this case does occur lots of time now, but not appliable to my love.
i handel it as the most important task.. i mean... firstly i ve to settle down myself, then ve to make
sure my lover is fine, then i focus on work. i think if i couldnt keep my lover "okay" w/ me, then i got
no where to support myself when i fall. if you couldnt manage well your private affairs,
you actually got no credits to handle well your other important stuffs. get what i mean?
it's not just for men, it's so true to women, too.
by the way, men should do better than women, from my aspect of evolutionary psychology.
but the fact is ... i'm not sure the sitatuation in the society now...

alright...... i m very sleepy now... wanan sleep..
and tomorow have to work.. and then... wishing dear someone would get well soon
and he would do fine abt what i say above haha. he's very nice actually =)
i just wonder how about when he gets more mature, then he would do better or worse.

i've mesg Benny's mom today... wishing her have a sweet nice day.
hummmmm yea... Alesja asked me why, when i saw her on MSN.
i think... no specific reasons.. i just wanna do something i wanna do.

just now watching tv, taiwanese tv series... the "wan zi biang qin wa". hahaha
so cute... that guy is so stupid.... sigh... i know he likes tian yu more than yun xi.
but too late le... the jin zi ma ma told him... "沒錯,觀美是屬於你，可是你不屬於觀美．"
i think of myself.. sigh... dont wanna talk le... my eyes re closing hee..

how about Benny? how's he doing now?

sharing a sng here.. Janice, 十個他不如你一個.

事實上背著良心告別你
我試過責備自己討厭你

人人初戀得一次　太回味那時 人人自然自私　要耗盡才終止
以後無論再找十個他　不相似 甚或要　懷念到再來一次
人人失戀失一次　我還未算遲 其時未及認知　愛會在沉默裡終止
我也許失去自知　卻又未知　下一次

最後　最後　對錯抉擇誰知
最後　分離　我都玩過一次
最後　最後　做錯了但我知
結合　分離　最多只有一次

huuuummmmmmmm...
dontk now what to say le... dont wanan cry over and over again =)

i ve just updated the profile at friendster..
i said.. i wanna meet the Mr. Happiness with the rela Ms. Castor.
coz he'd be the one i oculd really trust on, for last. let's make the love forever young.

i want the true relationship, which i would feel fun but stable.
are you mine? cas says... cas belongs to cas =P
wah~ my eyes re closing....
***

>>May 14, 2006 at 6:08:20 PM GMT+8

2006 年 5 月 12 日 星期五 【晴】

Last night i still feel sad... but i m okay..

hummm last night watching tv till 3 am i guess? yup...
then i quickly fall asleep. hummmmm

today woke quite late, over slept, coz i got the call from my boss last night,
i should come office a bit earlier, coz today would be pretty busy and he's not here.
fine. i handle well la, dont ve to hesitate my ability =P

then, okay la~ really busy but i'm happy. the students re very nice to me though.
we play play play hahaha... then of course i was also busy doing my stuffs.
many ppl pay school fee today, then every students come in and i ve to make sure they ve take
attendance and i ve to mark down what class they come for today...
coz boss wanna check on them... hummm and then i ve to make coppies, have to mark tests,
and checking data stuffs. hummm yea quite busy, have to prepare the notes and attendance for
each classes. new students come, i ve to pay attention on them... then...
some minor porblem occur on the eng class. so... yea i was going up and down the building.
then hahaha... like the secretary, ve to ask every teachers if they want meal or drinks.
and ask the stdents, if they wanna go out for lunch... hahahaha... funny.
then make order, and yea till my boss back. then i was busy for other stuffs.

after that, i've met aunt Pricilla. hahahaha silly her, where did she go ???
aiya, lost her in the mtr. finally we went to Mong kok. Lamham Mall. do i spell right?
sigh... i really hate Mong Kok. too many ppl.... too crowed....
okay... i've bought my shandle finally hahaha =D it's on sale... it's the new brand... called CE ?
i've forgotten, anyway, very nice though. it cost $400 after discount. not bad lor..
better than the Joy&Peace. that one is really really cute and lovely, but cost $600+
it's $200 different. hahaha... but if you ask me if $400 expensive. i would tell you ABSOLUTELY !!
nahhhh not very expensive if you got the comparision... but coz i'm just a student and then
i ve to support myself now, so... not like the past could keep spending alot...
ok la.. lucky that i dont chase for brand name stuffs.. yo know... here's hk. i'm kindda abnormal...
but i do like Esprit- edc and i do like WeekendWorkshop. hahahaha...

anyway, aunt brough so many things for her son today ha!
well well well... i think Terrance would like all the stuffs. coz they're just so cool.
if he complains, ask him come talking to me !!! haha kidding.

i like meeting my aunt, coz she's just my very close friend. ahhhh she's leaving, i'm gonna miss her lots.
then we ate at Japanese noddle resturant. we order one noodle and one sushi(4 pics)
yup.. and we go share. very full... dont know why we ate so less everytime =P
but i do enjoy the time we spend together~
sigh... after she left, i would be bored again..... but i will see her in Aug =)

hummm after dinner, we walked ard, planing to have dessert.. but nope didnt eat hahaha..so full.
we do more shopping haha... but we didnt buy anything le. sigh... ve been spending so much..
i mean... last month, i only got $ 750 from PCC. and this month, till now, my expenses re already
over $ 750 that's for 100% sure. only spending on Esprit and shoses re almost $1000.
Esprit i got 50% off special disscount so it's ok... but then my transportation fare and my meals,
re like... rasing up than last month. i remember last few months, i only spend ard $1300/ month.
i mean only for lunch and transportation. i didnt do any shopping or entertainment.
but of course i did hang out coffee o tea or dessert with friends. so.. .you see... i actually
dont really spend extra money, no time no mood to do.
but aunt is back and it s been quite a few months didnt buy anything... so... yea...
but my rule for myself is... i shouldnt spend more than $1300 for my basic need of transportation and
food or some minor stuffs, like stationary ??? ahahah..
but then buying clothes, shoses or bags, whatever... mom has been complaining to me why i buy
so many clothese, especially tangs... then she asked me how about the clothese i bought last year.
then i said... huh? errrhhhh...... it's ok la, i wll clear up... hahahahaha...

on the way to KCR station(train), i got my sweetest call from my dear someone..
wahhhhh so sweet leh.. hummm i didnt talk on phone with him for my sadness eventhough he did
ask me. i e-mailed him last night... very long e-mial... hummmm
then today ... i hope he's fine lor.. coz.. exam is really coming what... haiya~ dont know le...
his exam starts on 20th till next month.. then he said after exam he would come hk..i m not sure.
if you ask me if i still feel guilty, yes i still do... but i couldnt do anything... just so sucks..
i just want him fine now... dont wanna distract him from exam stuffs... yup.
i think we would talk on this, but not now. and i dont wanna talk abt that with him now..
coz... i dont wanna affect him... if i really feel too depressed i would tell him.. but i dont wanna
be his burden. somehow i would let him know, but i think... there's limit i should be ware of.

my presentation is on Friday. hell hell hell... sigh... and then exam is coming on 24th.
die die die...

SOME heat discussion for SCHOOL PROJECT.. you dont have to know..but you could read.
*just for myself*

hummm when i was working, Yedda called me TWICE, with Candy, three lines... what the..
i was working, and my boss was just next to me... then she asked me..."if i could call you again?
i lost candy on line.." i said nope, i'm working. i cant talk with you actually. but tell me what's going on.
then she kept telling me her confusion and candy asked ask... okay.. then... you're gonna hold
the interview. you should do what you feel like to. coz you're the person to incharge.
i've told you my opinion, i think they should just make their points first before come questioning on me.
i hate this. you bang this bang that, why dont you make some suggestion ?
if you dont have any new points, why you come question and juge on mine?
we ve no time left, you still question me for what. i love dynamics, i do accept changes and challenges.
but what the hell you're telling me just something non-constructive. and you ask me what to do.
how do i know what to do. i ask you what you wanna do then you say you dont know.
then what do you know, HUH ??? they're not confident for themselves? if they really think they're
right, why dont just show me? i dont like tis kind of actions, so naive...

you do know i couldnt talk on phone, why you take the risk on holding on my line for long
just for setting up the three lines? if you guys have already communicated well..
any of you could just tell me directly what you wanna do and tell me the reasons of your
points. you call me and talking rubbish you know... it's not the right time to say...
okay castor, i feel like our direction is a bit wrong... this and that this and that..
okay, so what's your direction now? nope.. then why you call me so many timessss??!!!( i thought)

totally... for the same thing we talk for 3 times. 1stly i was okay but hang in 1 min, coz she need
to set up three lines. second time, we talk... still okay, even though i was very busy.
third time i was pissed. after a few hrs, still asking the same thing...

sigh... i said, i told them... go do what you really feel like to do. coz you're the ppl who would be
responsible for all the data. i was thinking like.. i've asked you yesterday if you could handle the
interview, otehrwsie i would come. then they said they would be okay...
i trust you. and now, just a few hrs before the interview you told me you dont feel the targets re right.
okay then what's your suggestion? nope? then how???

i asked them to e-mail me all the questions, but i dont get anything today.
you said i made the mistake on the direction, according to my doc file. i was pissed...
coz after quite long, they called me (three line) again. still asking me the same thing.
what the hell the past hrs you two doing?? ( i was thinking).
we would have the discussion on tomorrow. what you ve to do today is just go for an interview.
read all the information and make your interview fine. you create the interview.
and now you come question me on my part. does my doc file really that powerful to affect your
questions, my dearest??? anyway, i'm really looking forward to seeing their product.
coz.. i'm expecting that.
after so many discoussion,.. i think they could make the good interview and gather the data well.
i trust them, and i hope... i'm just too sturbon... and i wanna listen to them to understand the points
from them. but everytime i discuss with them, i think... why and why and why.
i just want something constructive, something straight forward, directed.

anyway, tomorrow i would meet all my groupmates in the morning.
and... i will try my best to make the presentation best. i shouldnt say "i would" i should say "we".
i wonder if i'm too strong in the group, so... i make the group not balance.. i mean...
they might work very well without me.
i'm just not their type of person. anyway, i dont turn back, i just look forward.
so.... i admit that i'm the very difficult group member.
coz i easily become the leader, and my style is very... individual independant and straight forward.
even though i dont do the leader job, but... i dont know why i just easily become the leader.
maybe coz of my attitude in discussion, my tone of words, my anlaysis, ... i dont know.
all is not important right now, coz my first aim is to get the presentation done perfect.

***

>>May 13, 2006 at 4:11:11 PM GMT+8

2006 年 5 月 11 日 星期四 【晴】

Last night, i was watching tv till 3 something...
i like to stay alone at night... coz ... i can relax myself.

hummm i cried for Benny. i wonder if it would be the last time i cry for him.
i felt pain... i felt pain... i love him so much... but i couldnt stand the situation.
and i've been changed. so... our relationship is chaged already..
anyway,... today...

i left home late, then i hanged around Festival Walk, didnt go to school.
then... i think i ve to go to school, coz i ve the discussion in class aby the project right..
then i wet to pacific coffee to get the comforting coffee..
i've missed 45 mins. then in class, i was sitting at the very front...
got a mesg from my dear someone, oh my god... he falls sick again..
i dont feel nice today, i just dont wana let him worried for me, so i didnt tell him what it is.
i feel more and more guilty and that's all terrible feelings... very depressed and guilty.
hummm today class is talking about... depressive disorder.
what the fuck, i was almost crying in class. i left the room during the video clip time..
then i called Ade... but fial, called and fail.. i was so pissed..
then finally i got through her.. we chated for 30 mins, till all my credits gone.
i cried to her... i've wanted call her for really long but havent called..
then today i really called her, and i told her everything. Ade... thanks...
i guess you're the only few have never treated me as the prsioner, and you still support me
no mater decision i make. i cried...

then... okay... tell you what's about the depressive disorder..
that's for no apparent reason, experiences two or more weeks of depressed moods,
feelings of worthlessness, and diminished interest or pleasure in most activities.
but i'm more like this caes: bipolar disorder.
a mood disorder in which the person alternates b/w the hopelessness and lethargy of
depression and the overexcited state of mania.
it's like the cycle...
stressful experience--> negavtive explanatory style--> depressed mood--> cognitive& behavior changes.

so, i said... i'm falling in mood disorder, depressive disorder.
it's been a year long for me to live in anxiety with depression. i'm still okay in life,
coz i could have my normal activities, like school and work or have fun with friends..
i know where i am, i mean in this issue...but i know if i m continouesly depressed, i would need to
seek the doctor or psychological therapist in few years. or i couldnt get the healthy psychological
growth/ development. sooner or later i would have some more risks in psychological health.

anyway...
i've mesg Benny today. i asked for break up. coz i know our relationship has been changed.
and i strongly feel that there's only committment b/w me and him. my passion is dead, and there
's no intimacy b/w us. if he comes hug me now, i would push him away or i feel very weird.
not only physically, and for psychologically, he's not my honey, according to all the theories.
but i couldnt explain why i still love him so much since all the feelings is so negative.
so i suffer so much... and i m againsting him, i know. so.... i asked him what should i do..
coz... i couldnt funtion well anymore in our so-call relationship. i couldnt afford it anymore.
i told him i feel like falling in depressive disorder.
and the fact is i'm not kidding. the guilty is killing me. i ve to stop it...
i also think of my dear someone. i think he suffers lots like me. so.... sigh...
in a very professional tonge of speech, i should ask him to leave me and go back to his girlfriend.
coz i really wanna protect him. i dont want him to suffer what i'm confused about now.
i dont see our future. i dont want to hurt the girl, dont want him to take all the risks coz of me...

then i think of myself...
sigh... i've met such the loveing person, i ve met the one i've loved the most..
but i couldnt catch on to anyone. and i wonder... i might not deserve any love.
i've tried my best, but i'm so hurt. coz... i ve hurted the ppl i love the most in the world.

while my dear someone comes to me, i wonder if he 's real.
i was so confused coz i shouldnt cheat on Benny. but... my dear someone told me...
he also has a girlfriend. you tell me how i could be able to accept that's the fate and fact on me?
the one i love the most, he couldnt break through his life, and that's the real distance b/w us.
the one i also love, he told me he has a girlfriend but he wants to be with me.
and somehow i know he must be suffering like me or even more than me.
what i'm supposed to do now ? ? ?
keep two guys and keep myself in guilt ? break up with Benny and stay with him?
stop him and staying with Benny ? break up with both and stay away from love.
i wanna protect Benny and him. so what i should do ?

tomorrow i need to work and then i will go out with aunt Pricilla.

HELL! i ve to make the presentation !!! damn ! i ve so many information to read for my exam..
cas, now plz concentrate on all those fucking stuffs you're supposed to be responsible for.
be the one you used to be. stay calm and concentrate on what you should do.
***

>>May 12, 2006 at 12:53:31 PM GMT+8

2006 年 5 月 10 日 星期三 【晴】

Last night, i've watched the movie, called " when a man loves a woman".
After mid night..

so touching and i wanna say that's like my Substand Abuse class review !!!
hahaha... alcohol abuse case and with her family. big struggle, big problems.
anyway, very nice...
i remember what the woman said..
like... she felt like she's the buden of her family, and she hates her husband coz of her low
self esteem. she felt shame... and then she tries hard to adjust the life, back from the treatment.
get along well with her two daughters but couldnt stay close with her husband. she 's so stressed.
and then, she avoids her husband. and finally husnabd moved out.
he loves her so much, tried to arrange everything for her, spend time with her.
well, he's a pilot, so actually he had been spending no time with her.
but then since her wife sick, he tries to maintian the family, and then... he thought he doing right.
but that makes wife suffering. he yell at her finally and moved out.
woman said he shouldnt pretend like he knowing everything, coz he actually doesnt know.
she keeps confronting him that he shouldnt use his problem solving mind in their life.
well, she says that her husband treats her as the problem, and trying to sovle something he doesnt know.
hummm his heart was broken. husband starts to attend the conselling of the abuser family.
after a very long period, he shares in the conselling, he cries there.
so many things happened... eventually, woman have a sharing within the group.
and then she said... actually she needed time to come back life. and she was hurting her husband.
she cries. she loves her husband so much. she hopes she could have the second chance.
and she got it =) her husband was sitting there and listening to her.
he gave up his job and listen to her. that's called "listening".

okay, then i've watched another Korean series.
so lovely... the girl said... she'd never be brave to get close, in touched with the person she likes.
she lost chances, so now, she has to say out what she really feels in heart, even though
the man has left her. she couldnt miss another him. she wants to be brave.
she felt great =)

i cried.. last night...
dont ask me why.
and i got the call from my dear someone. *thanks....

today, i woke so late, coz i was very tired. and then... i go to Marks&Spencer ...in Festival Walk.
just walk around. and then i go to Pacific Coffee resting... i have brew coffee with bagle+jam.
nice... then i went to work =)
haha... i'm doing fine... just need to rest, have some coffee breaks, or just need someone's calling
or sms, then i'm happy. i enjoy my life no matter what. coz the life should be beautiful, right?
so... whoever make me feel beautiful, i would be just so happy, so great to say thanks* =)

today, i got a few mesgs haha... flirting sms, so sweet ;)
hummm i hope i'm not dreaming or i wanna say... i feel like living in the dream..
would the rains fall down cleaning? haha.. the song "come and clean-- Hilary Duff" says so.
i dont know... i ve to face the fact what... but not at this moment...
i dont know what i want, or i dont wanna know.
i just wanna hug this moment, i dont wanna think abt tomorrow.... dont wanna know what i ve to face,
dont wanna know what i should do what i ve to be... what i've done, what i'm feeling of..
i know nothing, i dont wanna know anything, except my work and studies.

i'm so easy irretated when i'm doing my stuffs at home. coz i need time to rest, but i dont find peace
of space to rest to think. i love to be individual, be alone at home.
i wanna kiss the sun, coz i feel happy to see sun shining. i just want o be alone or... with my close
friends... i dont wanna think abt the problems i'm facing in relationship.
i love this moment... shall we stop at here?
could we ? could i be selfish for a while ? human nature... what the hell psychology telling me ?!!
what's the right and wrong the bible taching me ?!!!

when i'm in class, when i m dealing with school stuffs, when i'm working, when i'm reading, listening
music or hanging around with aunts or close friends, i stop thinking of any other things..
but when i sit down and think abt the problems... i couldnt be irretated anymore.
you know my feelings... so happy so sweet when i got the mesg and call...i love it !!!
but you know... so sad to think abt the situation we're caving in !!!

my study, my job... come !... come to fill me in...
dont leave any space for me..
i could live normally, resting, working, stuying...
but i couldnt lie to myself... damn!.. cas you have no rights to talk abt honesty or sincerety !
***

i love you... what i am doing here !?!!?!!!
dont take your pity on me... i dont need it..
yea i'm the bitch, the worest one you'd never seen !!!!
i say so.... i'm the bitch.
*
i m guilty.
but i'm happy that i'm brave to face my real self.
yes, i'm guilty, i'm not pushing my guilt to others....... and i know i'm runnin out, escaping...
i have no ideas what the hell i'm doing. hurting the one i love the most, hurting someone i dont know..
hurting another one i love... what should i catch on ? school ? work ? family ?
nope... that's not what i want to hang on to... :'(
i want my love... but my love is .... is not... true to me... and i'm doing something i dont understand.

tomorrow i will have class,
cheers* bitchy castor.
night.

>>May 11, 2006 at 3:49:59 PM GMT+8

2006 年 5 月 9 日 星期二 【晴】

9 40 AM
coming back here in the morning... i ve woke up 40 mins ago...

no mesgs from my someone, hummmmm he's so mad i guess...
and i ve sent so many mesgs... so terrible... i wonder what i m doing...
i didnt sleep well, couldnt sleep well..

okay, i ve a question...
if woman should be rational or emotional drive?
for myself... i'm so rational type... even when i'm emotional, i usually calm down very fast and then
make decision or do whatever at the urgent line.
sometimes i couldnt when i'm very pissed. i ve to relase my tension my and tears first then sit down
and i could really focus on work.
i always be affected by relaionship stuffs, that all my close friends understand well.
but at the urgent line, i still could focus at that moment. depends on the situation..
so, my answer for myself is... ha...humm.... i consider myself as the rational type.
i dont know if it's good or not.
honestly, my parents are quite protective, everybody know. then i was like the little girl, always
being protected and governed. well now i'm soon to be 20..and i m so independant that i m supprised.
i think... being rational is the way to make my life happen. i like to be individual... i think i am very ego.
i love sharing with ppl and i love listening from ppl... i just have the strong charater. i usually stand
for my own points. if i see someting wrong, i stand for myself. i dont know why i am like that..
but it's me.
the most emtional time is..... when i am crying or weeping for my sadness.
that's also my weakest point.
so, usually castor is thinking of different things till the moment she sleeps or really resting.
that's really tiring... and that's also why i always say i'm tired and busy. coz my brain never stop.

why i bring this up, coz... i ve been thinking of why i've hurt my dear someone.
what i did to make him suffer and so mad at me.
once he was hurt by my words, the sharpness of words in fact, as in the un-solvable prolems.
this time, coz of my silly "funny" words. (what so funny? i dont know)
i dont mean to make fun at that moment. i just try to.... release the tension and i was doing my job
on the presentation... so... that's the problem i guess. and that reflects his feelings and thought.
i was a bit shocked when he told me i m not affected by what he feels. i fee like the complain from
him. and i feel like he lost his rights from me, as in he couldnt ask anything from me.
i feel so bad... coz that's the first time i got the complain which makes me feeling weird of myself.
should i be happy? i dont know. i care him alot, but i dont now why he doesnt feel that.
i'm doing something against my religion, against my rules, for him. human nature is damn bad.
i know that and it's true, even the bible says so, (if i didnt get wrong ideas).
sigh..... if i dont care him, what i'm doing here then.

i just hope that he would be fine. and i think... something that he should handle by himself.
no one could help. i'm around, and i promise that i wont leave him when he need me.
but i guess now he doesnt wanna talk to me... i dont know... i mesg him too much last night.
i should leave him space.... sigh so stupid me..

i got to work later, from 1 to 9 pm.
wish me luck =)
***
2006年05月10日 Wed 10:14:43 (GMT+8)




Part 2,
now, i'm home... 10 35pm.
just arrived at 10 10 pm. hummm have also finished dinner. ha~
3 chicken wings, some veg.

ahhhhh... sigh... today is very busy...
i worked from 1 to 9 20 pm today.
i standing and walking, doing note coppy for... 3 hrs 30 mins.
my legs re sour. hahaha... i wonder how i could be working at PCC for the whole day before..
and at McDonald's... incharging 3 birthday parties continouesly, or standing on fall. hummm
walking, taking order, whatever so tiring job... i miss the days in McDonald's. coz... i really love
working with my teamates--Star Team, and then i love my uniform, i love my job, coz...
i love children, i like doing sales stuffs, i like handeling customers, helping customers, serving,
i just love to be the custoemr service ambrassdar. i was so happy, enen though that was really
tiring. that job is challenging. lots of chances provied for me, like... i'd never thought of...
helping in 7 nights of the anniual dinner, and i was accompany our ceo hk. i was the presenter for
the managers from Thailand, in store. and the vice presentdent from the states come over our store,
and i was taking with him. all that s just so amazing... great memorry.

alright, back... hummmm i love the kids in office, hahaha... and i'm doing better everyday.
i should thank God. yea i really do =)
even it's tiring, i feel happy =) some kids are happy talking with me. and i'm happy !
huuuummmmmmm then... teachers... i mostly dealing with my boss, coz i'm doing administration.
and then... teachers... not every teachers re that nice hahaha... depends.

okay........ my dear someone.......... .. . . . finally he forgives me i guess.
i was sad last night, and today he was still angry.. and i felt quite... wu lai. yin wei, wo bu zhi dao
ta wei shen me zhe mo shen qi. bu shi hen siao de shi ma? hummmmm i think i ve to be careful on
this... coz... he's quite easy to get hurt. i have to be very very thoughtful to him... coz i d never
wanna hurt him or make him sad.
haha like taking care of the baby. you ve to be careful and very nursing, right?
hummmm i'm not his mom, but i just wanna take care him well, do whatever i could do for him.
i hope he would understand that i cherrish him alot, just like how much he does to me.
yea =)

last night and today afternoon till he replied was quite terrible.
coz... it's been quite a long havent been involved about angry by the ppl i do care abt.
so... yea...

Sharing (if you re just gonna blame on me, dont read)
facing my religion, i really wanna hear what Jesus talks to me.
i dont mean to close the door... but W.W.J.D. what will Jesus do..
i should be honest, faithful, sincere, gentel, forgiving, patient, etc...
i'm ashamed abt my honesty and faithfullness... sincerity...
i m not that close with Benny now. and i'm close with another.
i'm so confused by myself. why i could do this. i ve no plans of our future.
the love is not completed. it's so complicated, i also dont know what to say.
i love Benny, but i dont feel happy. i like another person, but i m also hurting another girl.
coz of this blur situation, that person reciving preasure from me, even though he didnt tell me.
i just wanna ask, being rational, so ? being emotional, so ?

let's see how things go... i wanna hear what Jesus says...
coz i'm a christian. eventhough i'm not good enough to say so...
i would still .... listen what 's my God saying..
***
>>2006年05月10日 Wed 23:21:26 (GMT+8)




Part 3:
now is 12 07 am..
just now, waiting his reply, i felt sooooo... so bad that i couldnt explain or describe.
and that pissed me off...
i ve explaint again and again... but then no reply from him...
it's like... what did i do or what i said to you so that you have to say that to me ?!!!!
why you say like that ?! i cried...
what re you doing castor...

i got his reply, then i said.. you made me cry.
***

>>May 10, 2006 at 4:11:39 PM GMT+8