2005 年 10 月 18 日 星期二 【晴】

Today's diary is coppied from my friendster blog page.
Ade read that then became angry...
wah... Ade also wanted to e-mail benny .... but i've talk to Ade.. then stopped it.
but Ade did leave me 2 comments at there, then.... hummmm how to say...
i was scared.
and then.... ok la....... coz i think benny wouldnt go in to view my stuffs.
he even didnt add me.
and then other ppl just wont come to read, so wu liao...
only vic and cyn would go.... or maybe some other ppl i dont know very well...
i dont care...
jut scared me la.

one more thing...
uncle didnt bring back my lugguage tonight !
Sh*t.
he forgot.......


***
Till the end.
I'm living in the Darkness now, and waiting for Jesus comes.

i just wanna ask What Would Jesus Do ?

i've done such lots of things...
i've tried my best already, and i'm really tired.

i'm moving back to hk on this coming friday afternoon.
i'm quite excited to be home again, but i know i'm gonna miss my friendsss,
especially the new friends from singapore.
they re Ade, Cyn and Vic.
Sigh... if there're no them, i dont know what to do...
and then of course i would miss my old friends here alot.......
and then my school teachers...

anyway...
wanna say something here,
it's like... this is not my personal blog site.
i ve my own on line diary, and then i will write about my own personal stuffs
at the 3rd or 4th diary space.

but i'm still happy to share with ppl around, in here.
dont know who got viewed the testimonials at my profile la,
but *FuNNy lor, i mean... i'd never expected Ade would say like that.
Ade... i ve a question for you... How many times you've tried my food?
once or twice only, how do you know the food i cook is "okay" ? haha...
and then,..... actually that day i didnt understand what you speaked with
Cyn and Vic. hahaha =D !!! i was like " huh?" i just looked at you then you thought i knew ?
that means you're too scared hahahaha...
my chinese is not good... hahahaha !!!! same as my eng level ...
and then the truth is i didnt wear make up what. hahaha !!!
that day i weared the masca, eye bow powder and eye liner only.
hahaha... just the basic things for girls 's poliet appearance... ;>
what "make up" ? heeheee...
i teach you someday huh. haha...
no, i mean at least you need to put on foundation which i'd never used haha.

Actually, i'm a quite private person in such ways i dont want to let ppl know about.
for example, i'd save down some history thigns or articals at somewhere ppl dont know.
or let say... i ve some personal and important conversation and then i'd like to get a record.
hummmmmm i dont mind sharing, and i like to share, too.
but i dont think everything could be shared.
a few, very very few ppl compliant about i talk about them in my diary...
the only way to block me doing this is plx dissappear in my life.
not so mean but true... what i was saying re all the truth, like the report.
if it's too personal, or controversy then i'll write at other place.
i just write down how i feel... and actually not much ppl would go and read.
but never mind....... i 've changed a bit for those few ppl already.

Cyn, Vic, where's my testimonial? =P hummmmm... you girls re so naughty huh.

lately i'm very upset, and busy coming here going there.
and then today i went back to VPC,
hummm nice... nice... i've seen my old friends in VPC, then Mi Hyeon gave me
a gift and a card :> heeheee... thanks !
and then........ i ve the canadin style hot dog on street for lunch. very very tasty.
then i walked along broadway and then met Vic and Cyn at Chapters.
I'm gonna miss this little busy Broadway. hummm Blenz coffe, Starbucks,
Chapters, Mcdonald's, and then much more stores... all near to my school.
We all three went to Granvill Island.
So beautiful there... i've taken lots of pictures.
Actually few days ago, i've taken lots at night in Downtown.
All re very nice, especially for the Robson Street. i'll uploard them on yahoo later, very later.
hummm dont know how many real friends re here, but if you guys know my photo's site then you may go for a look for free =)
haha..
ok, then we had dinner outside, the restaurant is called... "caustered" ?
is it? i'm not sure... my eng is damn bad especially the spelling.
then i taked bus to home... aunt's home...

i stop laughing now... i'm quite sleepy, coz my eyes re so tired by something
happened. my eyes were bleeding ( it's like bleeding).
in my nick name of msn: Dont ask.
i say so, then i mean it.

sigh...
i'm using a ..... less stressful way to say something very serious....
i'm making a very hard decision in my life.
it's my first time to make this kind of decision...
i'm not sure if i make it right or not.
but i know i'm not gonna regret on it.
since i've said , then i'll do it....
yea... i did promise something to the person and myself.
It's not me dont want to complete it. but i think i'm not the right one to let it be done.
if things come the last is like totally messed up..... actually now it's already messed up,
then i'd rather stepping out a bit earlier.
the person is sending me a signal to prove that i'm correct.
whatever beautiful excueses, or "reasons".... it's just not for me.
i guess.... the person should ve a more suitable one in stead of me.
he might have one already but whatever,... fine...
i'll accept.

sometimes, it's not me dont want to respect ppl,
it's my kiddish to make me contacting ppl again and again.
i use all my ways to make things work... but eventually i hurt myself deeply.
but the person doesnt understand but blame on me.
i know i'm childish, but thanks that i've the wise to find lots of ways to bother ppl.
But in a normal way, i dont think what i've done is really unacceptable.
i 'd never mean to check out something i dont want to know about.
trust me or not is up to you guys, but really, at the begining, all is just by a small accident.
but... i'm also not defensing for myself.
i'm so sorry for what i've done.

you know about wars, the world war 1 and the world war2.
if ppl cant communicate well, there'd be no love, but war.
if you love someone, but you dont communicate with the person
=walking on the sea,it's the most foolish way to walk, commiting the sucide.

the point is.... someone's leaving with the bleeding heart.
when someone's gone, then the heart's gone also.

see you there..
good night.
19 oct 3 32 am.
Vancouver.

I'm very sad.


****

if i ve wrote something bad about ppl behind...
then i'm sorry for that.
and then if anyone 've read my friend's comments then feel like to start the war...
then plx... dont start the war at my peaceful place huh =)
altough i quite appricate my frend's action... i still respect other ppl alot......
so... huh =) dont start any wars at my place, ok? =)
Thanks.


October 19, 2005
4 57 am.

>>October 19, 2005 at 11:57:22 AM GMT+8

2005 年 10 月 17 日 星期一 【暴雨】

wah i was very angry !!!

i went back to aunt's home today...
then i was home with vic... then we taked bus to richmond center,
and then she went home, i went to aberdeen station for some cookies !
and then !!! i 've asked terrence if he'd be out before i left home,
and he said he wouldnt go out !

but what the hell after i came back to richmond center from far far there,
then vic called me that terrence's called her! then i thought something's wrong !
oh gosh... bingo ! what the hell he called me and told me that he's out for dinner !
and then i siad i'd be home around 5 mins, and he said he's on the way, driving !
huh?!!! then i asked when he'd be back... 1 hr 30 mins ++
HELL !!
i was like almost say " what the fu*k "
i HATE this kind of things happen and happen again !!!!!!!!
then what.... standing in like this shit weather.
today is raining all the day, very cloudy and windy, only 10 c, the sky is quite dark...
he asks me to wait outside for 1 - 2 hrs ?!
otherwise i ve to move back to the dame far place from my home.
richmod is quite big !~~~~~ >.< !!!
then no choices lor... i beg he wouldnt drive back to richmond center for me.
i crossed the road, walked walked walked to the busy stop, the same bus stop again
and take the 98 B-Line again to Lansdowne.... shit...
i've to walk...... then wait for him...
and then take the key and then walked back then taked bus...
and it was like almost 7:30 pm.....
i was home with vic around 5: 15pm.
then i spent so long time outside traveling bus...... how fun it is.
i was very hungry and cold..... ok... at least i dont need to wait for 4 hrs again.

then after i ve finished my junk food dinner,
then uncle and terrence came back.
ok... i start pack up my stuffs... then i've found that...
My Suit Case was GONE.
i dont know what the hell happened at the closet ?!
uncel just came back from trip tonight.
and then... i was very scared.... how come... like... i'm leaving right?
and then i'd never taken my suit case away since the first day i've arrived.
but now telling me my lugguage was gone? then so ?
i ve to buy a new one ? what the ?
oh gosh...

then aunt dabbie called me by the moment. then i've tld her about the lost of my suit case,
and then.... also told my aunt about that.
then she said that one with her now is from her mom.
and then.... dabbie sent hers to me first.
and then uncle heard what i've told to dabbie, and i asked him if he saw mine before.
then he said that he hd the same brand one, but that belongs to him.
and then... what the sticker with his flight no. and name also still on the luagguage.
all the rubbish for me.
i just need to know what'd they do at the closet.
like my suit case was diffenitely there but suddenly dissappeared.
and he still can say like he tought i left already.
uncle still calim that was his, but he could borrow me.
what " borrow " means ?
i'm not coming back.

how could it be like that?
everything mess up together what ?!
sigh......

anyway... i dont want to be like that.
when i face them i control my emotions well, but i was very angry with terrence
when he told me all the shit.
and then i was very scaered what uncle told me about "his lugguage"
sounds like he's treating me as a little child.

and then when i come back, i found that all my cookies got broken like the powder,
i need to use the spoon to eat.
then ... i'm very frustated...

ok...
i'm ok now...
coz at least aunt 've communicated with uncle...
then she said... tomorrow he would bring the suit case back,
and then ask me to see if it's mine.
sigh... how do i know if it's mine or not man...
same brand .... and then i guess no more stickers would be found man...
sigh...

ok lar... noting much could say...
i couldnt call my parents tonight
and my sisters dont come on line tonight, very very ab normal.

fine fine...
Ade has left me 2 testimonials at my friendster.
hummm thanks Ade alot.
promote me, hard seeling me... advertising me haha
ok...
so tired now....
i will go to sleep.

sigh...
18th oct,
3 22 am.

>>October 18, 2005 at 10:16:44 AM GMT+8

2005 年 10 月 17 日 星期一 【晴】

today, i'm moving back to aunt's home.

then.... i ve to start packing up my stuffs....
so.... painful thing to do.
wah.... so sleepy...
i look very very very tired.

anyway,
lately i slept quite late..... early in the morning or very early in the morning.
fine................. busy is better than boring ...
got someone to be with is better than staying at home lonely.
thanks for cyn, ade, and vic =)
and then,..........sure for alesja, kiana, and then much more friends..

last night i sms him,...
hummmmm...

ok.
i continous my stuffs now.

>>October 17, 2005 at 6:33:46 PM GMT+8

2005 年 10 月 16 日 星期日 【晴】

so sleepy... but cant sleep too much.

last night i was in cyn and ade's house.
we play card game " clue", and then we watched vcd...
then, we slept at around 6 am.
now is 1:45 pm. then.... yea... quite sleepy.
but i'm leaving soon, so.... it's ok =)

sigh.....
"I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which,
when looked at in the right way, did not become still more complicated."
Poul Anderson
********

i ve been 2 days not calling him,
then..... dont know how to say.... i dont want to make calls to him since i read his e-mail.
i didnt send him e-mail again, i didnt do anything.
i dont know is it what he wants,
maybe i should take a rest, too.
i dont feel good to chase him around... i dont know what's that for.
if he doesnt want to be bothered, then... i ve nothing to say.
maybe i'm just not the one he wants for his life?
think about that... i think so, but i know we could make it work....
i hope so..

i dont mean to be so troublesome, and i hate myself being this...
but what if i stop contacting him......
i know i shouldnt call to his mom, or office...
but, tell me what to do when you're worried for the one you love,
who s nt be connected for 2 weeks, then you dont know if there anything happened.
i shouldnt add him in my friendster from my msn list, so i wouldnt see alot of things inside.
and then i wouldnt know too much to let myself down.

and then, now, i'm going back to hk.
the point is everything would remain the same as before or i would have a new start.
i'm kindda frustrated.....
i love him, and from his request, then i just let he does whatever he wants...

>>October 16, 2005 at 9:11:04 PM GMT+8

2005 年 10 月 15 日 星期六 【晴】

i dont know if anyone like this song...
very nice singer.

Chocolate Ice (聽身體唱歌)
作曲：雷頌德
填詞：側田＠On Your Mark
編曲：側田＠On Your Mark

Bring me to the sea of sugar and spice
Reminiscing through some chocolate ice
Tik tok take time to be gentle and kind
You sweat cause you run and run all day in my mind

Fly to the moon and the sun
And let's go have some fun
(Come and take my hand and free our soul again)

Fly to the moon and the sun
And let's go have some fun
It's 123 My love is plain to see
What I do for you baby do for me

Let me serenade your soul
when you're feeling down and low
Let the music come alive
Let tenderness arrive
Let me serenade your soul
when you're feeling down and low boy
You make me feel so high together we can fly

or this one:
2004 (兩個人的煙火)
作曲：雷頌德
填詞：側田＠On Your Mark
編曲：側田＠On Your Mark

Play it slow lay it low
You lead and then I'll follow
Ooh heaven I don't know
Where art thou my romeo

Sing it slow
Sing it so we can be infatual
Doesn't matter where we go
It's unconditiional

*Will you still be here tomorrow
Catching morning rays in tohoe
Will I see you there tomorrow
Baby can't you see the love in me

In 2004
Will you be loving me more
Through all that stormy weather
Say forever
For you I'll do for sure

Will you open your door
Will you come catch me when I fall
At the end I hope together
We can soar in year 2004


quite nice.
or this one..

Rick Price - Heaven Knows

she's always on my mind,
from the time i wake up
'till i close my eyes
she's everywhere i go
she's all i know

though she's so far away
it's just keeps getting stronger
every day
and even now she's gone
i'm still holding on

so tell me where do i start
'cause it's breaking my heart
don't wanna let her go

maybe my love will come back some day
only heaven knows
and maybe our hearts will find their way
only heaven knows
and all i can do is hope and pray
'cause heaven knows

my friends keep telling me
that if you really love her
you've gotta set her free
and if she returns in kind
i'll know she's mine

so tell me where do i start
'cause it's breaking my heart
don't wanna let her go

why i live in despair
'cause wide awake or dreaming
i know she's never there
and all these time i act so brave
i'm shaking inside
why does it hurt me so...

heaven knows


***
tonight i will go over their home.

>>October 15, 2005 at 8:20:10 PM GMT+8

2005 年 10 月 14 日 星期五 【晴】

today, we went to downtown,
we had desert, hummmm very nice.
i had maple wunut, green tea ice cream and raspberry sorba
with the red bean souse. it's the japanese desert.

nice..
me, vic, cyn and ade. heeheeee
we had desert, then we went o korean restaurant.
they eat dinner, then vic and me went to church.
nice day...
coz we had the prase and worship gathering tonight.

then,...
come back ome after the super late dinner,
then i got the e-mail from darling.
fine.

night night,
15. oct
3: 30 am.

>>October 15, 2005 at 10:32:09 AM GMT+8

2005 年 10 月 13 日 星期四 【晴】

i'm still quite upset...
last night, he picked up my call,
ade came over, then we ate out, at red robbin in metro town.
but... i ve some problems with my calling card,
then the conversation stopped... and then i called back many times, but he cut them down.

i've asked him if he wants to break up with me,
then he said no... he thinks i think too much...
hummmmm i say sounds like he's avoiding me, but he says no...
he's too busy.
then i asked about the reservice, or the day off...... what his staffs say what his mom say...
then,...... the problems come.
shit... sigh...
then... i lost the contact with him again.

being patient.
i 've prayed for that, too...
actually i ws really really sad, upset....
dont know if it 's called silence break up or what.
but he says no, then how? he doesnt explain why those re so confusing...
i guess he's very busy, but.... i dont know....
but i'm quite sure that i am not thinking too much.
coz... i think other ppl will ve the same feelings, even himself would also feel like mine.

by the way,
i added back my friends, knew from the sg trip few years ago,
then suddenly got back contacted, quite funny...
i added them in the Friendster.

i've also found that darling has one, and his brother...
then i also know who's arthur's girlfriend.
i dont mean to find out by myself, i 'd like to be told by him...
but what, now is me to discouver.... sigh... strange.
darling's profile is still showing "single", what the hell is that.
hummm anyway,..... i've also known who's darling's ex girlfriend, and the girl he liked before.
sigh.... those re not supposed to be know, right?
sigh..... stupid castor knows too much......
but i found that both of them re quite hot girls....
so... when i think of myself... i fell like i'm just a little child.
soooooooooo bad,......... =.=
you know what... they're just a few years younger than darling, then... i'm 9 years younger.
aiya... and then they're quite skinny, sexy one... sigh.... soooo bad...
i'm that kind of fat girl with the ugly face, and then still very young, like a child...
i'm not the devil or darkness, nitefall type, but the childish one..... sigh...
actually lots of the sg girls re like that lor, then i feel like.... i'm just a freak there.....
=(
and then, since darling's like that, alwasy avoiding me... i just dont feel good.
i think if finally he breaks up with me or what, then i become the devil or darkness type.
that's true what.

***
today, we went to the brentwood twon , the" I Hop " to have lunch,
the french toast is so great.
i love the warm strawberry suorse, then...

we went back to broadway, the comercial drive...
and then we take 99 B-Line to UBC,
to meet up Cynthia and Adeline.
hummmm i bought a book from a sec hand book store.
very very nice book!!! i love it !!! the book re full of the pictues in vancouver,
the book is called " Vancouver is a Garden"
there're lots of pics about the diferent flowers in Vancouver, with the specific places.
wow, so nice..... all the pic is the hand draw in white and black color,
but then the flowers re very colorful.... and then..... just like... hummmmmm
write down my feeligns at the differnt conners in van.
aiya, dont know how to discribe.... but very very nice.

then..... adeline bring us to their lovely house.
hahaha... kindda fun at their house.
then.............. we went out to have pasta. the restaurant is quite romantic,
very relaxing and comfortable, home like feel, and then.... the candles, everything is great.
the restuaran is called " some kindda pasta" quite nice.
we had pizza, pasta, and desert.
i dont really eat the pizza, coz cant eat cheese.
but ok...
then ade's quite sad... hummmmmm may god bless her...
then.... i miss him quite much, too.
but i 'm really waiting, and hopefully.... i 'd be patient.
and then... i dont know what if he thinks like i 'm not as good as his ex or the girl he liked.
coz.... obviously, i'm not the type of girl he likes.. i dont pay games, m not the devil, or darkness,
then... i dont understand why.... i'm not very confident in myself.....
like,... no matter what i do, it still sounds like i'm not good for him.
i alwasy misunderstand him, make him sad, then... make him worried, and then...
he doesnt like me to ask too much, but i do ask alot...
hummmm.....

but actually if i 'm there, i dont think i'd ask that much or wont be so irritating...
i just dont like ppl treat me like that also... but... somehow i do care too much,
coz i'm not there. but i think after a few years, then... i ll leave hk again...
just dont know if we'll be still together or what. but i still will leave hk i guess.

anyway, hummmmmm..... honestly,
i'm not ready to break up yet, but i think we might breakup someday if he keeps his attitude
like now, coz.... hummmmm then someday, he wouldnt need me or love me anymore.
just let the feelings fading off... it's terrible.
i couldnt do anything actually, i really want our relationship, but ....
there's just.... lots of efforts from one single side. and this is not what i want.

sigh...
i dont know...
everyday's like the meaningless day...
sigh........... quite terrible what.
may god blessing him, wish him well, i mean... his health, and everything...
and now, i still love him... but want him to come clear everything first.
and then.... i guess actually he'd like to just focus on his work in these years...
even dont and wont have time in relationship.

god bless.
not only me, and my friends, and him also.

>>October 14, 2005 at 9:14:16 AM GMT+8

2005 年 10 月 12 日 星期三 【晴】

我的羕子很憔悴。
我没怎麽 sleep, just cry and cry...
feel like we're already silence breoken up.
although now the status is very very confusing, or may be just the wrong ideas.
i dont think he's this kind of un responsible man, then i still trust him alot.
i dont think he gives up so suddenly and easily.
no matter what, till now, i still trust him and love him alot... dont want to just give up.

by the way, i'm thinking to go over singapore,
i mean.... like after awhile, then i will leave hk again.
i'm not sure when, but just feel like hk is not suitable for me and my future.

whatever, i'm fine except sometimes at night....
i cried deadly for 2 hrs last night... then when i was crying, no matter what vic said to me..
i just... head care her... i even dont understnd what i was doing...
then.... resting, and cry again....
the world is not ended yet, dont worry.

i look really really upset...
i'm really depressed, upset, ..... ...
i thought we'd not be long, then i just wanted to let him know we 're impossible.
but he said we'd be fine,... and last....
then after so much things... i love him so much now... then...
comes out this kind of stuffs... i'm really ..... dissapointed.... dont know what to do,
if he's still being with me, at least he would tell me what to do?

anyway, i 'm just waiting for his reply.

everybody please dont ask me what happened.
just... leave me alone.......

wah...
lately keep raining outside, and then quite cold, windy.
"tears and rains"
what the nice weather outside and in my heart.

what color tone of make up is suitable for me? coz if i dont wear make up,
like eyeliner, mascara, and eye shadow... then i couldnt walk out the door....
but i dont really do such things, especially now...
i think no matter what i put on, even put on foundation, the full make up... i still look dead.

sounds like bleeding deeply inside......
when i would get sick? three years havent been sick like fever, cough dead, or whatever...
i really wanna get sick, a big big big sick... then... maybe i will die.
seasons like that bad, then vic has been sick for soo long i still vent fall sick,
then next time when i get sick, then i'll die easily right?
sometimes i really do something to force myself fall sick... but cant.
let me fall sick please... i just need once, a big nasty sickness.... then send me back to jesus.

hummm...
really really want to cry all days and nights.
let me... let me lor...

5:48 pm 13 oct.
outside is very cloudy, raining stopped but quite dark and windy...

>>October 13, 2005 at 12:53:51 AM GMT+8

2005 年 10 月 11 日 星期二 【晴】

寂寞邊界
曲： | 詞： | 編：
我們之間闖進了賊 偷走相愛的一切
逼得我們傷痕纍纍 (愛讓我們傷痕纍纍)
分手只流兩行淚 (結局只流兩行淚)

你說決定錯了無所謂 就算後悔也不要我陪
愛得平淡愛得濃烈都讓你憔悴 我怎麼做 你都拒絕

我來到寂寞邊界 愛已失竊 心在淌著血
男人的無盡傷痛都鎖進黑夜
面對背叛用瞭解還是諒解 寂寞邊界傷心人還有誰

我來到寂寞邊界 愛已失竊 心在淌著血
過去的無盡傷痛都鎖進黑夜 面對愛情用時間收拾破碎
寂寞邊界傷心人已學會安慰



***

sigh... stupid castor.

>>October 12, 2005 at 1:21:16 AM GMT+8

2005 年 10 月 10 日 星期一 【晴】

dont ask me what happened at the day before....
=S

anyway...
last night i got home, then i called darling's mom.
and then vic called other ppl...
then.... dont ask what plx..
i'm really confused.

>>October 10, 2005 at 11:48:31 PM GMT+8