2006 年 12 月 29 日 星期五 【晴】

last night chatting with honey till 3 am?
i used the ebuddy.com to access the messenger.

hummmmm so tired...
i worked.. i had class... and... i go asked the Smarton... to check my sms services...
then... i hope that the sms would work now.

hummm after work, i went to aunt Prcilla's home to check e-mails..
i'm so tired... and this is the first time i go to her new home.
anyway, thanks her...

i've checked the ticket price as well. it's like 6300 hkd, including tax, round trip in a year, Korean airline.
quite nice. and i probably issue it soon.
i didnt start working on my resume coz i'm still waiting for honey...
i dont know if i should hurry him, but i really need it actually..
i should be patient anyway.

i feel sssssooooooo tired.... kinda of lonely if i couldnt have contact with honey..
i m very lonely...
he's like the one living in my heart... it's itchy if i cant tell him what's going on with me..
it's very sweet or warm to hear from him. so little thing he does could brighten up my day.

anyway, the santa man came say hi today.. and he told me about the mountin's story again.
and he left me chocolate. haha.... thanks... but i'm actually very busy at the moment, i dont even
could listen to him. so.. yea.... i'm happy about his visit but you know... i dont want some
un-necessary problems. so.. i have been very clear on this... i would never contact him for anything.
i just treat him as an old man, and he stopped asking me out with him already.

i recieved Alesja's post ^^ !!!!
heeheeeheeeee~~~ YAY~~~~
i'm so happy my dearest Alesja sent me a letter with some small gifts =)
you know, i miss her soooo much... i'm worried for her, but she's always one of my best friends !
she's so far away from me, but she knows i love her always.
oh... i think if my honey Stephen read this entry, he wont be jealous right? ha...
he should be fine.
anyway.. i miss my frineds~~~~~~~~ !!! i wish her all the best.

i miss honey...
he's like someone living in my heart..
i dont know if he miss me as much as i miss him...
or... i dont know if he's still passionate to me. i just think the distance affects lots.
i dont know why, i just want to see him and spend time with him.
i wanna know more about him, i wanna see his life, wanna be... part of his life.
wanna share every little moments with him.. wanna share... everything with him.
wanna make fun with him, wanna be fun with him, wanna take care of him, wanna wake up in the
morning with him.

>>December 29, 2006 at 5:21:28 PM GMT+8

2006 年 12 月 27 日 星期三 【晴】

cannot access in MSN still.

and... i'm okay... just tired ,... and very lonely.

i had my hotcake with sussage and tea for breakfast, no more late morning work.
i finished my breakfast at office, so as to not being late again.

then had been working... had some fun.. but... lonely...
you know the feelings? being lonely but using "fun" working to make myself belive that i'm being
"FINE" or "OKAY".
it's rediculious. it's lying ? sigh... i dont know..
i cant check my e-mails as well. it's like the network is totally broken down.
i used to be always using MSN and yahoo email. i'd never stopped unless...
i got into troubles, such as too moddy about break-ups.

anyway... i called honey... but... it was diverted..
that made me tensed up. coz.... it's not about... if i trust him or not...
it's ... the call is the only thing can connect us at this moment.
he rejected my calls or refused to talk to me that means there is something wrong ?
i just dont get any mesg from him and i cant get through to him.
it's like... we re totally apart...i'm so afraid of this kind of feelings everyone knows...

i'm damn lonely...

"why didnt you tell me?"
"coz ppl only believe what they want to."

>>December 28, 2006 at 3:26:32 PM GMT+8

2006 年 12 月 26 日 星期二 【晴】

hummm

work days began.
sigh... i didnt know the impact of the earth quake last night would break the cables undersea in Taiwan.
the whole Asia is affected. so, we cant connect to the North America, and Europe and some
other parts of Asia. sick. it was the big damage.
two ppl dead, and lots of ppl in injuries. i'm so sorry for that.
then, couldnt log in to MSN or Yahoo.com ahhhhhh..... and the telephone service broke down.
so, no international calls provided normally i guess. and then the news reported that if it's not
necessary, dont use the international call service. it will take at least a few days to return to normal.
omg... a few days later would be the the Jan 1 of 2007. hummmmmm...........
then.. now, i lost the contact with Stephen. he should be fine...

i miss him, i think of him so much... especially i feel bad at work today.
i was so late to work today.. not so late but just late again.
then.. i felt so groggy the whole day. and i've been busy from the morning till my classes end ard 5pm.
i was supposed to have 3 classes... one of them didnt come.
i tryied to get on line afterward, and i found the connection problems.
the first time i feel the.. the real big dissconnection is not made by ppl, is by... natural.
it's scary, coz all in the sudden, everything is changed. and the damage brings insecurty.

i'm a bit scared.. especially... when he will be in Jap for 3 weeks. the thing is...
he should go if he really feels like to go... i cant and i dont want to stop him.. but during this period...
i dont know.. i dont want to be disconnected. and i'm afraid. you know... bad things always happened
on my relationships.
recently, coz of the accident, and my busy schedule, we couldnt stay in contact.
after all, we spoke less, and now the connection broken down and he's going to Jap.
that means we will not be in contact again. no calling, no msn, even we can use e-mail,
he would be so busy and he might not feel like to talk to me... we will lose the communication.

then i will have to issue my ticket and tell parents that i'm visiting Van soon again...
and i need to find the place to stay in Van. i'm sure it would be the big shock and worry to my paretns.
they might be angry. how am i gonna take it... i have to go through all these by myself.
i'm getting headache.. coz i need to deal with the work problems too.
i really really need to get the resume done and apply for the interview.
i'm being so late already, seriously.
how am i gonna apply it, when the resume is not done with the broken down connection.
i couldnt even recieve files or transist files through my e-mail or any communication tools.
i'm crying. i gota be strong. dont cry cas..

i was very tired today.. kindda moody..
no tea, no coffee, no lunch hr.. just a small lunch break in 20 mins...
and i got 3 business calls in those 20 mins.
lucky Season was here with me. i was gonna be broken down.
but i'll be fine..
i just dont knwo what to do. coz everything is not under control.
dont cry cas...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i just tried to connect with my frineds in Van.
i read their blog... no.. cant... sigh..
the last entry of Ade was Aug 29... a few days after i came back to HK again..
i saw her words about me... i was counting the days...
time flys... it's already like 4 months ago..
funnt that, she was writting on her problems. and it was 8 months ago( on the 4 months ago entry).
i feel like the world is running quite fast... seems like i'm just back to HK.. but it's 4 months already.
sounds like i didnt work for Ella long, but it's gonna be the 4th month soon...
and like.. Stephen and i started not long ago, but it s almost 4 months as well.
in 3 months, i should be in Van again. in March...
and i dont know what i will be doing after 4 months from now.
i feel very confused. will i still be in Van? will i be in school? will i be working for Ella gain? or
working better or worse? i'm afraid, but i really need to try. dont back off Cas. you're strong enough.

dont cry Cas...
try to re-do your own resume, and apply the interview by yourself.
face the problems, do what you think you should do.
the ppl who love you would support you no matter what, make them proud.

>>December 27, 2006 at 3:31:02 PM GMT+8

2006 年 12 月 25 日 星期一 【晴】

well well well...

Christmas is over.

last night, the christmas night, my family went out to the "night market" organized by 工展會.
it was quite fun. it's like the CNY night market. coz you now lots of eating stuffs hahaha,
and then lots of cheap stuffs, like clothes, home equipment, kitchen stuffs, blah blah..
the brands are selling their product, so everything is just very cheap..
i biught two t-shirts, it got some prints done by the "diamond". it was cool, coz it's 70%off.
and then we bought some healthy snack, and daddy bought the pearl ear rings for mom and me.
heehee... i got two gifts from my dad this year. one is my red scraft. another one is the pearl
ear rings. lovely~ then i got one gift from my sister Miki, it's a pen. and i got one gift from Queenie.
and then a gift from Ella, which is the voucher from Body Shop and a light blue tang.
then,... a box of chocolate from my student Ken. nice. cool.

at the exhaibation, the night market i mean... i saw aunt and my cousins. haha.. while we took
pictures, we saw them at the last min. then... surprising-ly, i saw some of my old buddies from my
high school. so long havent seen them ! Christy, ShuiPo, PoYing, PKY, Bun, Sun, and Cynthia.
then... yea we saw them in TST, at Habour City. not bad...
then we came home.. and i had sweet soup, and sandwiches.
we had food in the night market too early. so when we got home like 1 sth am.

hummm tomorrow need to work again... so tired still..
wanna have my long long vacation.

i might go out later..

>>December 26, 2006 at 8:05:52 AM GMT+8

2006 年 12 月 24 日 星期日 【晴】

Happy Birthday to Jesus.
Merry Christmas to everyone.

hummmm
last night, my family ate out. it was so nice...
then, we took a few pics, and i left.
i met up Tung, Mable and Carman(Tung's sister).
then we went to Tsim Sha Tsui. it was so crowd... but we had fun.
well... we stayed there till 2 am i guess...
lots of ppl there. we're all sitting ard the Cultural Center.
all of us are the youngers, mostly teenagers.
so funny the guys in front of us were always giving us the show !
i suggested to record them and put on to Youtube.com
it was so fun... Mable and i kept laughing out loud... they're so silly but really made us laugh.
i know they were playing games, like "Truth or Dare". it was so fun..
then we four played card games.. silly games.. and eating snack..
i got some apple jiuce and cookies. cool..

then, we left..
i was so tired...
then Tung sent me home.

oh well... my Christmas day is the Silent night in Van...
i just called honey ... but he was driving.
i dont know..
when i woke up.. i suddenly feel like to call him..
nope, actually i wanted calling last night and i did call but diverted.. anyway..
i feel like... he's so far away. as in... he wouldnt call me on his christmas eve, but i do..
i would want to let him know what i would do on this special day. but he wouldnt.
maybe the things are just so normal for him.. i dont know.
well i wonder if i should call back.

today i wanna go out with my family but i dont know if they will go out.
my holiday would be end.

>>December 25, 2006 at 5:53:57 AM GMT+8

2006 年 12 月 23 日 星期六 【晴】

hello...

long time havent been here already.
hummm...

have been very busy at work for the christmas programme.
the kids are so lovely.
hummm a kid vomit... then we had a christmas party at McDonald's.
you know.... it was so fun, but.... i feel like i'm a mom sometimes.
it was so fun so happy but so tired..
then we had a small break time.. Ella, Richard and i rested in the small room.
we lyed on the floor... we ate and we chated. Richard fell asleep hahaha...
then Ella and i kept chating lying on the floor.

anyway...
it was very tiring.. and i'm finally on holiday now.

Honey e-mailed me.. he's still okay.. getting better now...
i really miss him lots and wish him alllllll the best...

last night was the "lady night"
but we met late... ard 11 sth at After5.
wah... we stayed there till... 1 sth... am...
i was kindda pissed of.. coz i felt ppl selfish. whatever we're good friends..
and we had a good time. at least not boring.
i got the gift from Queenie this year haha thanks.

alright..
today, had class with my cousin, Ricky. then rushed out to Festival Walk meeting Cap !
haha we finally did ice skating !!! so nice...
then we had ice cream.. and walked ard.. then i went home.
i m too tired.. and she's busy.
anyway... tonight should be with my family and i wondered to call honey but thinking..
maybe he's not free. and my Christmas Eve isnt his one. so.. i probably call tomorrow.
humm i miss him lots.. but i do enjoy my life here =)
well.. Tung called me. i might go out with him tonight. i dont know yet..
i wanna make cookies.. and then tomorrow no gathering with aunts . good.
but i wanna have a out goiing with my family tomorrow.. but i dont know if we're going out.
then on 26th, i wanna go China. have some fun. eating dim sum... walking... yea..

lastn ight Ella invited me to go out with her, like clubbing.. i... thought about that then i refused..
good huh =) hummm

i dontk now..
i wanna be there with honey now..

>>December 24, 2006 at 10:45:33 AM GMT+8

2006 年 12 月 20 日 星期三 【晴】

haha..

i had a very crazy busy day...
so crazy... coz i had been busy working from 10 - 7 15.
hummmm no lunch break as well, except having lunch with the kids, Ella, Richards and her mom.
hummm we had Hot Pot in the christmas programme.. so crazy...
then... in the Mandarin class, Season didnt teach well, and i was there helping her. hahaha
her boyfrined came, but didnt help much. okay... whatever i was helping..
then... after that, i had Fiona came... oh.. she behaved very well today.. surprised..
and then i also bought her gift and snacks. hee...
and hten i got a gift from my another student Ken ^^ hee
then...... after work.. walked by Pizza Hut and i saw Queenie.
then chatting with there there, then, met mommy and went to pick up my sister Leggy.
cool.. then we came home, we got on the same bus with dad. so.. yea...
dad feels better today . but still sick... sigh...
anyway, we had a very nice dinner tonight. i was happy.

and i saw honey's mesg... eventually...
so.. i'm still okay. yea..
i mesged him on MSN today. i wasnt happy you know...
then i told him that i didnt feel right, and it's like what happened before.
i'm so sick of Benny. he made me hate him. how many ppl in the world got this kind of power?
who can make me hate him/her ? not much ppl though... i dont even hate anyone.
so.. if that's gonna repeat again, you better just be honest to me, and break up properly.
i really hate being totured. Anway, i was worried for him, his friend and worried for us.
but now, i'm alright. i just hope he's alright, coz i love him seriously.
i dont want it like all is just the ice sugar, and then the fact is actually bitter and sour.
but i still trust my honey. and i wish him all the best.

hummmmmmmmm tomorrow would be the busy day again, then...
after work would have the family gathering with lots of relatives.
good huh. i'm looking for the warm gatherings with my lovely ppl.

come on, this is christmas time, let's have some fun.
i want the warm christmas time.

>>December 21, 2006 at 3:03:59 PM GMT+8

2006 年 12 月 19 日 星期二 【晴】

i've told myself to be strong and i am.

i'm very lazy and bored this morning...
doing nothing but surfing net and eating breakfast.
but the internet was really bad... sigh...

after lunch with my parents, a happy lunch, then i back to office and started my busy work.
Fiona came. she keeps making me repeating things, and when i'm angry she laughs.
i was pissed actually and i tell her i dont find fun at all.
i ask her to go home, and she thought i was just kidding or she's just not serious with what i said.

whatever, after this class, have been busy for some adminstration work, then my monkeys came.
hummm i was busy writting them paper yesterday. then i gave them today.
seems a bit difficult for them. i ha to make it like the class exercise to them.
but it's fine... at least i can test them if they really do well or not.
i score them, it's not so good but still ok. ahhhhh i'm so tired...
they're very naughty today. the class was over run again. just hard to keep two students from
diff level an diff school you know...
then... i had been busy for some admin work again and i left.
tomorrow i gotta be back at 10 am. busy days...

hummmm
i ve asked myself... i m facing some big decisions again, but i'm busy or tired working everyday.
i dont have enough time to slow down myself or take the good rest, dont even bother to sort
out the problems. i dont have the chance. i feel so tired... this tireness is not about sleeping habits.
the tireness is like... i dont wanna go back to office, unless i really need to be there.
the tireness is like i dont want to leave my bed. it's like i dont want to turn off the tv or the com.
the tireness is like... i really wanna stay with Stephen right now but i'm no there.
i seem not having my own choices or control. i cant choose what i wanna do and i cant choose
to you know... i just cant. well i'm happy that i still live ard my family and friends.
i do enjoy the little joy with them, otherwise i will die.
you know what,..... i really miss him lots, my Stephen...
and i feel guilty about all the matter happened. we didnt speak to each others...
he might need time, but it's hard for me here. i think it's even more difficult there but...
i'm feeling bad here coz... i cant do anything but i'm the person who mainly cause this accident.
and at this time, i'm afraid that Stephen is gonna leave me coz... it's very very weird, strange...
the situation now is just very very weird for me. you know...
i made them in the accident, but i was not there. after the accident, i wasnt there for Stephen.
and it's like i made his friend in this terrible situation. Stephen might be angry at me or find hard to
face me or something i 'm worried you know.. and i'm worried for his situation also.

i dont know what to do.

i slept at 3 last night... coz... i wanna give myself more time... and then... not just sleep and work..
when i prayed, i fell asleep a few times and when i awaken, i find tears.
i know i'm so stressed coz of the school and work... and then now it's me and him..
i ve asked myself to be stronger, and be patient. i really hope that i could just let it be...
wait till Stephen contacted me again.

anyway, i have my world here runing on, i need to enjoy my days or at least funtion well.
i miss him lots, but the world wont change for my missing and loving to him.
i'm being patient.
everybody must agree with me on this, especially if you're my close frineds.
Cas, you can make it.

>>December 20, 2006 at 4:54:56 PM GMT+8

2006 年 12 月 18 日 星期一 【晴】

i dont know what to say.

hummm...
same same..

after work, oh... we thought we could close earlier today, coz... we had done classes earlier.
but hten we did some discussion about the arrangement.. then oh...
we decided to have dinner together, for christmas. coz.. the coming week would be very very
busy. if she's busy, then i would be much busier. coz i have my own class as well.
and my classes re like the... "before exam class", so i ve to... youk now.. make my kids... being
smart on exam... i feel stress.
after work, we had dinner together, we had Indian food. it was fun.. we had some fun chats.
we talk about food, we do talk about food, places and countries.. then we talk about kids..
so funny..

well, i know i had fun, but when i thought about honey, i felt bad. i still feel very sorry.

and then i took taxi rushing back home for "Prison Break" that's so nice.
now i finally understand the story going. it's a cool series. i love it.

anyway...
i just want my own time, but it's hard like shit.
when i'm home.. i wanna watch tv, then i have dinner.. then i wanna use internet and watch tv.
the time is so short ! then i wanna listen to music. then i wanna blog.
but i cant do all the things i want. then my sister need to sleep, she would turn off the light.
and it's hard to type ! then mom said i should shut down the computer otherwise it's harming their
health ! move the computer back to my room then? nope, i'm gonna crazy for that ?????
what kind of theories is that ?! damn ! you could rely on your own theory but CANNOT stopping me.
when i'm tired my eyes are closing up i wanna get a shower and sleep, then they say let them
use the washroom first, coz they wake up earlier than me. OKAY ! whatever nevermind.
come on i need to breath. stop annoying me plz. sometimes when i'm home i dont want to talk or being
bothered. i'm so tired you know? i need to make time for myself.
what the hell, they dont even know how tired i am, how sick i feel about my things,
just keep asking me to go back to college. stop that, it's so annoying !
if i wanna do that i will what.
i feel so bad recently, just let me breath. i'm sorry, back off !
i love my family, but i 'm sure someday i will move out.


i've talked on phone with Ade today. we've talked for longer than an hour.
nice chat with Ade. i miss her so much. and i had been wondering how she feels coz Cyn is moving
soon. hummmm we talk on lots of stuffs... happy things sad things.. everything.
she's still the Ade i know ! hey ! good ! hummm i'm just trying to make fun.
she seems... changed.. like... when i was there in Aug, she wasnt... like the one i know.
but today, the Ade's back =) but i know she's always the Ade i know.

and i've chated with Hak gon just now on MSN. he was there for sending me a christmas tree programme.
so sweet Hak gon hahaha.. then he gave me some gifts as in some wishes and happiness. thanks.
hummm i wish i oculd be a happy person like him.

hummmmm i dont know how's honey doing. we didnt talk.
i dontk now.. this accident seems very terrible. most of the reasons why i feel bad coz of this
accident. really. i dont know... i dont wanna add stress on it. i dont wanna make things worse..
i know i'm not there, but i still wanna handel it better.
once i asked what i should do now, honey answered that nothing. i really dont know...
it's cristmas coming.. his friend might be still in coma... and his arm hurted. then..
he's going to Jap soon... i should issue the ticket soon but i vent told my fmaily yet. then, he and i
sledom talk now... and i'm making decisions on work and study.. ahhhhhhhh~~~~!!!! i'm so confused...
all the things mixed up coming together..
pray.. pray...

oh yea.. my Fiona is coming 3 more lessons starting from tomorrow..
then if she doesnt do well, i would need to have 4 mroe classes with her... sick..
it's so terrible.. i dont have pay for extra efforts but this lazy girl really doesnt know how much
patient i've been with her and how hard i've been trying to work on her.
this lazy girl really doesnt understand... everytime i wanted to ask her to shut up, stop talking
rubbish but i couldnt, and i've been so patient with her lazy attitude...
see i ve so many complaints, why i still be her tutor ? coz... i wanna help.
So, Cas.... i should shut up, stop complaining.

i will be fine.
i hope my honey would be fine as well, and so as his friend...

>>December 19, 2006 at 5:06:08 PM GMT+8

2006 年 12 月 18 日 星期一 【晴】

honey is on line today.
he's okay but not his friend.

had lunch with mom today, and then she stayed with me at office till my students came.
hummm we talk about lots of things, and we talk about Stephen, nice.
my parents know we're serious. and my grang paretns knew about me and him too.

here i should make the choice: college or job.
simply, paretns have been asking me to give a try to the Chinese University.
and honestly, i m looking forward to my try on Cathay Pacific.
i do want my degree... and i do want... my dream.

since i was young, i had been dreaming to get the degree from a university,
coz that would make ppl stop looking down on me, and make my paretns proud.
and i'm usually curious about things, desire knowledge, so i'm a hard working student all the time,
and of course i did pretty well in my high school stage.
once i failed the HKCEE, i lost my confidence in studies.
i dont wanna compare myself with other students, coz i know i'm not bright enough.

one year back, i met my old principal at school canteen. he talk with me. i told him i felt less
confidence, i lost the inspiration to walk my way. he scold me, like, say,...
you shouldnt be confused on your own strength. you have been chosen as the one we love,
you gotta trust that you ve the strength inside. you're full of protencial and talented. dont give up.
school, we have been giving you lots of chances coz we know you can do it.
i was crying, and he left.
since that day, i carry on again. and i'd never given up on hard things.

mom said... my result from UIU is pretty good. All As and Bs, so if i try to transfer my credits to
Chinese University or any other local universities, i might have a chance. i had been the top student
in high school, i have working experience, and i had been in an special programme in Canada,
so, i should be confident to give a try. at least to try. the point is... i'm not sure if i can do it.
it sounds so impossible to me to you know... competite with other students... they did very well
in HKCEE and also A-Level. what did i make excuses me? i got only 6 points out of 30.
they hitted at least 23. i'm so afraid to compare with others, coz i know i will lose..i'm a loser...
at school, i write good essay but i dont like my professor explosing mine.
i would like to share with ppl, but i'm just afraid. i dont like comparision.

you just look at me, you dont see me..

i have been trusting in dreams would just come true someday, if i work hard enough with luck.
the luck is from Jesus, and He knows i'm trying hard or not. i belive that everything has its time.

now, the resume is not here, i think i might need to work on myself. besides, should i work on the
application form and doc of the Chinese university?
the programme would take 2 years or 3 years. but somehow it's a real place i deserve.
you know what, if i get into the local university, i wont be able to work. i will have a total different life
ahead. i would be crazy about the studies and network stuffs at school or society.
i wont even have much time to work also. that would be fun, but would be totally in Chinese culture.
would i like that ? i question on it. i really dont know if i should try. you know...
i have been always thinking that if i can get into Cathay Pacific, i wont need to study anymore..
and i have one more thing to say.. it's.. i want knowledge as well...

i'm so confused. if the accident didnt come, i guess i would have done the aplication in Cathay already.
and now, i feel so sorry for honey and his friend. and i have the choice again...
back to school or go for a dream job.... both i need to try hard to get... so ?

and i cant give up on my Van trip in March.

i dont know....
recently, seems like i've been talking too much... i didnt really listen about honey.
and after the accident happened, he spoke less. i understand. but i'm a bit worried.

i watched a movie tonight, "A Cinderella Story", one of my gavourite fairy tales.
and it's a new version by Hilary Duff.
oh one of my fav movie star. anyway, i really love this movie, so funny and so encouraging.
hummmm.... Cinderella... Hilary has the cyber date in the movie, and she didnt know her date was
the prince at school. it was a very lovely movie.

two ppl know what is my glass-shose.
my prince would give me this when he appears to me, that was what i thought..
now, i dont know.

last night i prayed and i cried then i fell asleep..
i feel bad about the accident... and then... i feel bad i m not there with honey when he needs me.

>>December 18, 2006 at 5:07:35 PM GMT+8