2006 年 6 月 28 日 星期三 【晴】

today... today...

sigh..... woke up late..
then bought the cinimon roll from Pacific Coffee...
then worked... till 9 30pm..

hell.. very tired.. busy.....
hummm the leaflets are ready.. almost done.. still waiting for some information..

have been feeling sick, and then.. i guess i need time to rest..
i will go meet my friends tomorrow night.. after work..
tomorrow.... before work i will sit a class, counselling class.. heehee..
then Sat, no work..hummm... i will go out for awhile.. then visit Gonggong.
then sunday, family day ..hee..
then next week... gonna be more busy... but Tuesday.. yea.. all due to Tuesday..
Wed... really wish to meet my new friend for lunch... sigh...
but then will have new project since Weds i guess.. so bascily... sucks.. day is sucks..

*Song: Bad day

miss you all...
really..
ve been very lonely all the time... bad day....
i had a bad day?
wishing you all best.. coz... you're all really on my mind everyday.

i ve called Ade today... on the way to work... chatted for awhile, then back to office..
i called her again..
then after work.. chated with Shan for a few mins, and my new frined also..
then now, chatting with my opp bba Jason hahaha...
you know what.. i feel much better when i could hear from my friends, close frineds,
just the ppl i do care about.. great warm feelings.. comfortable feelings..

>>July 4, 2006 at 4:13:22 AM GMT+8

2006 年 6 月 27 日 星期二 【晴】

hey...

today, worked from 10 am till 9 sth pm....
hummmm got a marketing meeting morning... then had lunch and worked..
hummm busy for the project stuffs and some admin work.

by the way, finally i ve to call the tutors for confirmation..
hummm still waiting for reply.. but nice, some tutors are nice to feedback me imediately !
thanks so much ! and then.. Miss Chin is very nice also... helping me lots..
reducing my stress ... just sharing the preasure and work load. =)
she's a kind girl also, hee! i like her !!! wish her luck in her University interview !!
good luck !

hummm...
i've been searchin for hotel stuffs in toronto..
then also... wondering the courses after grad next year..
have been thinking of the sec degree or dip or master..
then different ways.. to.. you know... hummm dont know what i'm saying already..
forgive me.. my brain keep on for almost 12 hrs.. hhee..

yea Fri afternoon i would sit a class at school, then work...
but then Miss Chion would not show up that day.. so ... have to work by my own.
anyway... . . . . tired..

yea... reading my book on train... nice...
coz... the only thing i could do on train is to read.. otherwise i would keep thinking of work or
some other stuffs.. i think i just should take the break.. yea.. the day should be end..
but then... the way to home is just so lonely and boring haha... and pretty tired..
so.. reading is nice...

back to home.. eat somthing, then back to room, come here typing and do my stuffs..
checking e-mails( keep updating always, at work), then.. yea.. searching infomation,
songs, chatting( not really chatting), but catch up with old friends ? maybe..

hummmmmmmm wondering the lunch time with my new friend, then..
Sat would not work.. coz of the public holiday and exams are over.. office off..
then yea.. wont see Mr. Lam also hahaha.. so no chocolate sharing ha...
then.. maybe go out by myself then go visit Gong Gong(grandpa), yea... maybe..
Friday night.. i think i will go BBQ? only if i could finish the project..

>>June 28, 2006 at 3:17:12 PM GMT+8

2006 年 6 月 26 日 星期一 【晴】

today... i had lunch with my sister, Miki... nice.. taiwanese food...
then i took a class, conceling. today's topic is about love and relationship.
the class is so wonderful.. very small class, focuses, anyway just have lots of fun =)
so long havent seen Mr. Chan ! he looks fine! =) great.
youk now what... he's so funny... well so many hk slang!!
hahaha what is "sit on this hill, look at that hill" hahahaha..
then... " long time no see", " black moputh black face" so many actually !!! but forgot =.= ....
anyway... one from him and i love it so much... " 做人要心狠手辣, 今天要完今日既就完左佢 "
"如果佢送野俾你, 如果係名貴既, 就送俾老師, 如果唔係立即dum左佢. 要完既, 今日就完左佢."
"要果斷". "要做大長今, 唔好好似nun 鬼 OL 咁." ....., etc..... Mr. Chan is a GREAT TEACHER !!!
so true man... i feel much more better when i really end off, cut of all the affairs.
great job, CAS ! *BIG HANDS! i love it.. coz.. so clear.

then got back to work..
work on the project and have meeting all the time..
OT, sending e-mails to tutors..... hummm talking with studetns,... then left...

i got my result back anyway =)
i got an A on Gender Role !!!!! *.* haha
but i got only a B on Gender Role... sigh.... why is B? haha coz of the low score quizs..
and our group performance was not as well as other groups.

hummmm..
we got a test in class today... hummmm a love test...
Sternberg's Triangular Love Scale.
hummm testing about if the relationship is right for you... the score reflects how much you love,
and how much you feel for the date.

i wonder... if i should share the test with you guys...
there're 45 questions in total.. hee... so... whoever wonder how much you love your guy
or how much you love your girl... and if you guys should get marry, pass or fail...
let me know, i would give you a copy, ok? =) say thanks to me, ok? hahahahaha!!!
just KIDDING!!!!! ^^

hummmmm
feeling tired ... busy...
forgetting days.. except regarding to work stuffs or school stuffs...
dont wanna think about other things..

ve been feeling sick...
coz of the bad emotion and preasure i guess...

then last night have been searching for hotel information in toronto... yea.. till quite late...

>>June 27, 2006 at 4:13:43 PM GMT+8

2006 年 6 月 25 日 星期日 【晴】

wahhhhh damn busy...

today, woke up a bit earlier, then... slept again...
then... finally woke up ard 10 am, dad drives out for lunch.
yup, we drive, pick up Leggy from school, then had lunch at a chinese resturant again.
what we ate? of course dim sum ! hahaha..
then i left late la.. i love to be with my family..

then... 10 mins late to work..
Miss Chin was there waiting for me already.
then we worked hard on the project... hummm got two more templetes to do..
so eventually there're eight.
ok... working on it... got some troubles and problems.

then gotta deal with some doc also..
got a meeting also... then boss talk with me, about the "big trouble"....
aiya... big trouble..

anyway... i got OT today, just like what i ve expected hahaha..
i left office ard 10 25 pm.
very very very hungry..........
just finished dinner 10 mins ago.. now is almost 12:00 am... sigh..
lucky just now dad drive me home, then i didnt have to walk or take taxi.

tomorrow morning, i will have a meeting at another center. a very small meeting.
then i will go back to school, wanna sit in a class of concelling.
hummm and also deal with some doc. nice huh...
then i will go abck to work... i'm expecting OT also.

anyway, tomorrow maybe having breakfast with Miki =P?

hey... i'm rushing the project, keep thinking of it, thinking of my work and studies everyday... then...
i wonder if i should have lunch with my new friend, Vincent on Wed?
then have a BBQ gathering on Fri night with my old schoolmates? comeo n Cas!!
they're your buddies ! so.. you wanna go or not?? so long havent seen them...
hummmmm i think i will give a few calls to my frineds first?
then yea... planing to have fun outside, to hang ard with new friends, perhaps?
hummm not sure...

anyway, i've joint a "group" called " Answer Yahoo. com"
quite nice ! you might find my name there? hahaha.. my name is Rowdyruff there.
Search me there !
anyway, it's quite fun... coz it's like the chat room but more than a chat room.
no bull shits, no cahtting, but just the ques and ans.... could ask strange que and ans them..
and that's world wide. so it's not necessary to be cautious about the nationality.
then... there's not a place for making new friends... probably just hi bye hi bye...
but quite nice. coz it recalls your knowledge in some ways ! ve fun huh...

just now on train... reading the book. hey man i started to like this book..
hahaha... quite funny sometimes, but real, and i like the ways she write.

then... i ve tried calling Benny twice, but.. not available.
dont know how's he.. a week i guess? i mean.. dont know how's that day last week...
and... yea... i dont have any news from someone anymore. maybe he just doesnt wanna
talk to me anymore. hummm then... i think... after my busy project, then i would find a way
to ... "KILL THE GIFTS", which i've already prepared for him.
it's not me wanna do that. but that's the only way for me to completely move on
to break out... i dont wanna keep anything anymore... as if... he's not same as my type...
i would like to keep in touch, as close frineds, with my ex... but.. obviously he couldnt do that yet..
then i'm so weak at this kind of situation... i could be so lost if i dont do sth for myself, REALLY !
so i should be brave moving forward. i really wanna keep the friendship, but seems like... nope,
he's doing such the things to refuse me, even just as a friend ? i m trying my best..
anyway, if that's the case, then i dont care anymore. i just dont wanna care.
if he wants to be my friend, great !! if not.. then it's okay.. i dont force anyone..

>>June 26, 2006 at 4:15:04 PM GMT+8

2006 年 6 月 24 日 星期六 【晴】

wow... nice change isnt it? like it?
i love it ! too dark before right?
yea... had said goodbye to the "welcome to my darkness".
yea... bye to the darkness already actually.. so now kindda moving on =)
hummmmmm... just feel like more energenic now, wanna have a new start :)

anyway...
last night i was so sleepy.. then selpt ard 1 am i guess?
then woke up ard 1 pm hahaha... 12 hrs sleep deadly.

after lunch, came on line... suddenly wanna change my diary background, stuufs...
then yea.. have a big change ! ok... ^^ SUPPRISE !!! crazy right.. ha..

then.... saw Alesja on line, did some chatting, then... went out, took a walk to Tai Po center,
then we bought food to home.
after home, Miki and i watched a movie, " I Not Stupid". the Singaporean movie.
so funny... i think we have watched it for more than 5 times in 3 years. haha...

hummm waiting for dinner now, then... yea..
tomorrow go back to work. sigh... project due to Tuesday.
still need to ask for information from the tutors.
Damn... if they dont reply my e-mails, i dont know.. maybe i should call them??
i need the confirmation !!! plz !
hummm i'm ready to OT tomorrow night. i know it would happen... coz just wanna finish that stuffs
not by Tue, but tomorrow night !

okay...
hey... where's someone? is he alright ?
sometimes i wonder if he's not coming anymore, then how..
this is not too supprise for me anymore, somehow i ve thought about that...
but then... i would be dissapointed still. coz as i said , i had prepared the gifts and stuffs..
so.. i would definitely DONT WANT that happen. i want him coming. i dont want to keep the
stuffs. plz ?

by the way, i saw Tse Yan today ! in Tai Po ! what the hell, no one tell me she's back ! hahaha..
very shocked when i saw her on the road ! i was like.. oh that girl is so familiar.. ..
thinking of who's that.. then oh yea !! Tse Yan !
hummmmmm.... ha... maybe we would catch up next time? she asked me if i would go BBQ this Fri..
i m not sure if i would go actually... hummm i said nope, i probably wont go, coz of my work,
but then perhaps i could be off a bit earlier, then i would go for sure ;)
or let's say go for a drink or dessert, nice though =)

>>June 25, 2006 at 1:43:40 PM GMT+8

2006 年 6 月 23 日 星期五 【晴】

haha..

last night.. i slept at 5 am... why????
coz i ws on phone with Ade.. Ade just woke by me ! haha..
yea.. couldnt sleep last night... why couldnt sleep? dont ask me, coz... dont wanan tell..
then chated on phone till 5 am+++ then i slept...
hummm yea.... then woke up around 8 am, then prepared to work...

i ve been thinking what to buy for my students, i mean... i wanna buy some candy or chocolate for my
student, she is also my firned there. hee... eventually i buy M&M at Festival Walk supermarket =P
also buy some for my friend.
i buy one donut, which is with raspberry jam !! my fav !!!! heehee ^^ then buy the coffee to office also.


work... quite busy... working on project stuffs... then some doc... yea...
then Mr. Lam came . hahahaha so funny.. today ... 12/F is so free, so Mr. Lam and his students
are upstair. i went there with them, open the door, switched on the air con, light..
but i was like i didnt know where to turn on, how to do this or that..
then they helped me hahahaha so lame... but we had fun though :) hee

oh well, Rami got a new hair style. looks so cute ! hahaha... hummm i dont know his last nanme
anyway... he doesnt know my last name also haha.. ok.. i had lunch, he had coke with game.
hahaha... then Mr. Lam off from work. heeheehee... then i gave him the candy! he smiles so sweet !
oh i didnt know he didnt have lunch before. yea.. we did some little chat.. hahaha nice..
next time, i mena next Sat, i will order lunch for you !! dont worry !! ha..

anywya, after work, that's ard 5 pm sth... yea quite busy...
then i went to Tsim Sha Tsui to get that expensive head accessary !!! so nice !!!! ^^
then yea.. walked around the book store near by, i mean in Habour City..
then... i went visit my new friend, and sent him chocolate ! haha he was too busy...
so sick.. HK at weekend is so busy everywhere. damn crowed ~ ahhh dontk now if that's nice or not,
but yea.. today the sun is sooo nice ! the sky is blue, damn hot, but nice !
so long havent seen the sun shining like that ! i really love sunny day !!! ^^

then... my friend has been really busy... so eventually i just walked ard the book store then back home!
oh well.. i sms him... anyway, he called back when i was around home, in a supermarket again.
gotta buy something home =P, dad makes dessert tonight !!
then yea we chated for awhile. haha... alright.. let's have lunch next week !

anyway... i'm happy to make new friends.. and i do enjoy my day today !
oh man.. i dont want to be upset.. you know.. it makes me been sooo sick.. so.. yea...
=) let's smile ! BIG SMILE !!!! say thanks to the sun and God !

hummm last night, i sms back to someone.. hummm...
yea.. i wish him happy... i ve been thinking of him and Benny still, but ... you know...
he had made his choice... so... yea... i think i just shouldnt.... you know...
i just dont know what to do... and i know he has been feeling bad... unhappy...
i didnt ask why, i guessed he's still feeling upset or.. whatever... i couldnt.. you know..
just couldnt anymore... coz i shouldnt what.
maybe he would forget me soon ? would i regret? I DONT KNOW.
hummmmm.... dont know... just want him happy and fine. tell me what i could do for him plz ?
dont want him suffer anymore...

and Benny.. i'm waiting for his news, but i'm fine. not like the past anymore, not so mad anymore..
hummm feel so light now... and then... maybe i'm still in love with him ? i dont know..
i just know i wanna take a break for myself, and i'm enjoying this "holiday" now.
still miss him, but... i'm detecting my feelings now... try to slow down and listen to myself.
maybe he would get a new one soon? would i regret? I DONT KNOW....

miss them... miss all of my friend also !!!

whatever =) SMILE !

>>June 24, 2006 at 2:37:06 PM GMT+8

2006 年 6 月 22 日 星期四 【晴】

hummmmm... today woke up at 11 am..
then... left home ard 12 noon.

working... but late... coz when i passed by the Festival Walk, i got into the super market..
i bought chocolate. hey by the way, i found the donut with jam there!
i dont know if it taste nice or not.. gonna try on tomorrow morning =P
you know.. i just love donut !!! especaily with hot tea or coffee ! *.*
so.. this time going to Van, then i would go to Timhortons everyday i guess ! hahaha...
coz you know.. when i was there, i almost eat timbits or donuts everyday, especially school days.
there were a few stores ard school, on west bordway. so yea... hee.
during break time ard 10 30 am or during lunch time 1 pm, i always go buy one or two donuts.

ok...
today, back to office... hummm a bit messy... i mean my files...
hummm sigh.... get back to my project. well Miss Chin helped me lots.. thanks her so much..
coz... the first one almost done. just need to prove read again tomorrow morning,
then could send back to anothe head center. great.

then now i'm already working on the seond stage. hummm yup... very very tired...
anyway... today... so less students back. i think coz exam is gonna end, then they could take a break ?
alright............. i worked on my project quietly, and then had a meeting with boss.
i know i will be very very busy.. ahhhh.... really looking for a helper now. coz... yea...
miss Chin wont be here for me for long.

ok...
i had one Jap rad bean pancake for breakfast. then i brought tea to office..
then i had only 3 chocolate for lunch( 3 small lunch hee). hazlenut chocolate.
then,... one nougat, almond one, hee... then nothing le.
very tired and hungry. then after work, .... reading on train..... but couldnt focus...
coz .. keep thinking of the work stuffs.. then i gave a few calls to my friends..
coz i wanna hire someone as helper. hummm not really me gonna hire someone, but just...
i could decide, to pick anyone i want. yea.. if you're looking for a job, let me know, ok?

alright...
hummm tomorrow will go work, then i think i will go to Tsim Sha Tsui, coz i wanna go SOGO !!!
i think i will buy that head accessary ! sooooo cute and pretty !!! ^^ it's expensive though..
but you know what i just adore it ! hee... it costs... $ 110++ or $ 130+++ i m not sure which one
i would buy. i gotta check out which one look better on me =P
that day, i bought two t-shirts right? then they were on sale, they cost ... around $300 ?
i dont really remember.
anyway, i called a new friend just now. he worked at Habour City, hummm new frined =)
then i might go visit him tomorrow. just near by SOGO anyway.

hummmm last night.. i was sad but ok... then i watched tv till i really asleep..
then i slept ard 3 am...
when i woke up today.. i found that i got a sms at 3 sth am.. and.. from somone.
today i saw him on line.. wonder if there's anything he wanna say or talk to me.
humm he didnt say what. i dont know..

humm last night dad got serious gastric distress... so.. mom and me send him to hospital..
scared me... then he's fine ay home now... still on medicine...
we were there, the ER, waiting... humm i think dad was in the urgent category... so...
we didnt wait for long. anyway.. dad is a very fat fat fat... so.. somtimes i m very worried for him...
and mom also.. mom is slim but worry for dad lots..

hummm relationship stuffs.. dont ask me.

>>June 23, 2006 at 3:20:13 PM GMT+8

2006 年 6 月 21 日 星期三 【晴】

HEY ! I'M HOME NOW !!! NICE !
HOW'S EVERYONE HERE? NICE !
*** LET'S HUGS !!! ***
haha..
this entry is still coppied from friendster. the last entry i coppied form there.
coz here's my original on line diary-- the confession of mine.

here you go...

my diary is okay now..
so i will go home tonight.. i mean i will check out soon ha..
i just copied all the entries from here to my home.
nice.
feeling nice to be home again. bye my sad enties, bye my sad nights in my room here in this hotel.
and thanks.

anyway, last night i was upset... then couldnt sleep..
took a shower, then... mom told me i got a miss call. alright...
no number shown. alright. then got a sms... okay... i just deleted all the sms.
and on the same day, i got on new sms in my inbox. you guess who's that?
that's from someone. supprised~

last night was the real first night i dont want to bring my phone along to bathroom.
well i did brought my cell phone along, sometimes still forgot about that.. anyway i used to bring.
ok... then i didnt bring last night, just dotn wanna bring.
so.. i missed the call and sms for 30 mins i guess.. anyway.. i replied quite late.. coz i wondered if
i should reply anything actually. ok i replied. then watching tv, quite funny movie.

today woke up ard 11 am.. then... rushing to go have lunch with my family. yea.. leaving home
ard 11 30am. dad drives.. so yea... even though outside is raining, it's still fine. then we had dim
sum at a chinese resturant.. and then...dad left early... then we finished and go.

Miki and me went to hk island. humm we went to Pacific Place, coz i need to go back to PCC to
pack up my stuffs. alright. i took all my stuffs from PCC, then... we hang arounf Pacific Place.
heehee... I BOUGHT 2 PIECES FROM MANGO. hoho.. haha.. t-shirt, man, i seldom buy graphic t-shirt.
this one is really nice. it's very very light pink, got graphic on(a sexy girl face), the cutting is quite
long actually, and stretch. it fits me, makes me looking slim. hee. another one is dark blue. simple but cool!
round deep v-neck. there're a few bottoms around the neck.it's abit stretch, so... it quite fits my
body actually. wow! very nice! and feel like if it would be quite fashionable in autum. coz i could
put on jacket or sweater, then i'm sure it looks very sexy and cool. so.. i m happy to get them to home!
=) yeah, have been thinking of winter/ autum fashion already. coz.. actually there're some outlets
are selling some 3/4 sleves t-shirts or sweaters. so it would be so hot i guess. you know, i could
see good fashion and i got it bingo all the time! even though i dont afford the brand name stuffs,
i still could keep my own style :) not bad. well i think i'm not bad, but i know my style is just SUCKS !hahahaha...

okay, laughing enough... so i do some shopping today... since aunt's left, didnt buy anything.
yup i was buying too much though.. ok... in the past few days, ve been in upset.... today i feel a bit
better... and then tomorrow, i would go back to work. yea... i dont know if i could be fine,
but i will try to move on =)

after shopping, hang around Sha Tin, the New Twon Plaza la.. this mall is quite big actually.
then... Miki and i wen to a Taiwanese Tea House, not the one i always go. this one is a bit more
expensive but still fine la. we had drinks and noodle. coz we ate early lunch, then ard 5 pm ,
hungry, walking too much ha... then go hig-tea there. okay... not bad.

then hang around.. see a jacket at Miss Sixty. quite expensive, ard $1700 HKD. so i dont think i m
gonna buy it. anyway, everywhere is on sale now. so... so easy to get 50% off. but... you know
what, CAS, YOU SHOULD STOP BUYING ANYTHING =p. fine... so tired.. then Miki and i back home.

hummmm tonight... i just wanan rest well, dont want any sad mood coming into my head...
i need to come back to my life. i ve been sad enough.
CAS, PLZ... DONT EASY GET HURT, COZ... YOU JUST... YOU COULD ENJOY YOUR LIFE ACTUALLY.
DONT VE TO BE SO SAD FOR HIM OR FOR ANYONE. SIMPLY YOU KNOW THAT... YOU'D NEVER BE
ABLE TO KEEP ANYONE. PPL COME AND PPL GO. EVERYDAY IS THE SAME. PPL BE NICE TO YOU,
THAT WAS SO SICERE, BUT WHEN THEY RE MEANT TO GO, YOU ALSO COULD NEVER STOPPED
ANYONE. WHY DONT YOU GO ENJOY THE LIFE, HAVE FUN. AT LEAST YOU WOULD FEEL A BIT
BETTER ?

sometimes, you just couldnt stop anyone.
sometimes i'm affraid.. sometimes i just knwo i shouldnt.

i hate this ... i really hate this kind of feelings and thinkings. but it's sad that's true. i mean.. yea..
when ppl re meant to go, plz dont stop them, just let them go.

do anyone agree with me?

>>June 22, 2006 at 1:35:36 PM GMT+8

2006 年 6 月 20 日 星期二 【晴】

[ this entry is from frinedsters on June 21, transfered by today June 22 ]

June 21, 2006
The 3rd day couldnt go back home.
my home, it which means my on line diary.
there's like the shell for me. i remember everytime i dont wanna "go home".
once when i had the very very rough time ,after back , adjusting to my hong kong life,
i felt such a big lost in life. everything as changing in 3 weeks, kept changing everyday.
i couldnt focus on my days and nights. everything was so familiar but strange. all messed up.

now, i stay here, friendster blog, like the hotel huh? haha.. diary sever down...

feeling so sad dont know why... really feeling bad and bad.
i should be fine later... but now, really feeling bad.

i will go take a walk..

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

stepped out, walking, then went to a bank, and then reading book at that Taiwanese Tea house.
i was there for 2 hrs i guess... hummm... i was alone..
reading, having fun and ... also crying. ha.. dont cry cas..

back from walking , reading...
i was home again and then eating egg tart and watching movie.

by the way... today is my sec day of holidays.
tomorrow... i think i will take a leave also.

i still feel sad. really...not comfortable feeling...

hey today i read the book then i found sth interesting..
"you wouldnt be human if you didnt feel jealous and a little bitter. you must suck it up and offer her
your congratulations. But it's perfectly appropriate, and probaly necessary for your friendship, to
discuss the awkwardness of the situation." the background is like... your best friend get your dream
job. nice or not ? hummm for me, i think i'm human. when i heard about some ppl or just some hi-bye
friends got employed by any air line company, then i really envy them! ha.. ok, be honest, once,
one of my ex-close firend, also classmate, got into the sec interview at dragon air line, then i was a
little bit jealous and feel a bit bitter. coz i d never got any interviews yet. i was still young, 17 or 18,
and not planing to drop the school, whatever as her. then once she told me she almost got employed
by cathay pacific air line but she refused the offer by the last interview time. i wondered if that's
true or not... anyway, i felt bitter. ha.. now i'm okay... and i'm still preparing for my next interview,
next time, after grad i guess.

anyway... i feel like to cry lots, but i dont. i feel so sad and feel like to talk, but hell i just sit and
keep myself away from ppl or just talking rubbish to my firneds. i feel like to rest myself alone,
but i'm home with my mom and sisters all the time, till the moment i walk outside. i could cry anytime
without any stimulis. i havent let all of my close friends know about what happened yet. i cant,
i dont feel ok to... speak... to my friends.. feel like.. just... dont know how to face it even though just
facing to my close friends... still dont know how to calm down myself. oh well, i calm down already
but my heart is still...i dont know how to say.. just dont feel alright. and i've been thinking of my work,
the office and those kids. and some of my personaly stuffs and school stuffs. sometimes do think of
the guys, which was already over, Benny, and i still think of the one who just hurted me totally.
well.. i still appreciate that he made the decision but it doesnt mean i could take away the hurt feelings.
so silly cas.... i am listening to myself.. and what i heard is... silence... i try to feel what's inside..
when i m hoome i know i need to be alone. when i step out home, i feel like... just enjoying the heat
from the sun. take the deep breath, take a break, from the book time, drink time.. or walking would
make me feel better, do a bit exercise? wanna refresh my home-day. everything.. and finally, earlier,
i was in bank waiting for some arangement, i ... was being brave to... read once all the sms in my
inbox. then... i DELETED all, except a few congruations on my bday from my close frineds,
one or two messages from my close friends from Van, and then i kept Benny's sms. others,
all got deleted. coz i dont wanna keep any any in my phone. that should be over. well that's
all the high price i should pay off. i mean i pay not by cash or by credit card, i pay "my-self" for this time.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

sigh... yea... i deleted all evidence, all the record. pretend noting happened. sooo silly...
coz i know it wouldnt work... however do sth to make myself feeling better. anyway, just now,
i gave a call to my boss. coz i wanna be responsible for my early leaving on that day.
i wonder how office running in these two days. how are my students, how're my friends there?
is everyone ok? dont wanna affect them, really dont want. boss told me there have been quite
busy as usual, especially on these two days. and then... i asked for another holiday on tomorrow.
coz simply i just couldnt take care of my emotions, stuffs like that. and i m not ready to get back to
work. i've told my boss that 's about my private affairs, and not regarding to works or family.
i had been thinking of leaving earlier or staying till my duties off. i chose to leave coz i couldnt calm
down myself. he accepted and agree with my reasons and aprove my holidays. he told me he
wanted to ask me why i wanted to leave, but he thought that might not be the right time.
thanks anyway. i'm glad that what i did havent affect the office.

you know... you really gotta pay for anything that happened regarding to your "accident".
there's no such the game rules in office, but you do know that you should be responsible for
yourself, for your duty. so that's why i feel so sorry for. and now i'm ok. at least i didnt harm
anyone with my emotions.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i ve been thinking of dating... i wanna date new guys, new frineds out.. wanna associate with the
hk culture. feels like i'd never been a real hk girl before. yup, really not go hunting, that's really weird
in hk i guess, so i wont do it. and then... i'm open for anyone * "for friendship", gonna offer my
friendship for everyone who comes to me nicely. i have too few friends in hk... gonna offer my
days to different ppl.. just go socialize, which i didnt really have time to do so... but now, i'm gonna
step out and look for someone fresh, probably looking for the real self inside me actually. am i really
belonging to the little world i'm living in now, or should i be really serious considering to leave after
grad? duh... i'm gonna firgure out... and then... i need some supports, really try hard to move on...
so.... and i know there're lots of conflicts between my own castor's culture, my home tridations,
and the society.. that's why and i always have this problem.

i'm gonna... you know... to... step in my young adult stage. and... ha... i'm really affraid a bit scared
that... i dont find anyone nice... you know.. as in.. i want to be stable with someone i really love, and i
want something for long term, and i know that'snthe style in hk. and the communication... i couldnt fit
in, feel like i couldnt feed my boyfrind, satisfied him, if i do have a hk boyfriend.
ahhhhh why cas you 're strange ha.. anyway... that's all enough.

i dont know who is here reading my diary.. coz this place... is not my home..i dont know who's
walking in or out. i dont have the key. or everyone have a key.
ha.. i mean.. yea.. my old dudes wont come here, they dont use friendsters. my dudes just know
about my on line diary coz that's started since my high school stage. yea that's why. my hk friends,
clsoe friends, they dont use friendsters. and that's also why i got so few friends here and igot damn
few testimonios here, hahahaha.. so lame.. ha...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i'm sad.
but i'm trying to move on.... do you know it's rally hard?... for me that's so true!!
i do like to look back... but just... if i do that, i would get hurt again. and i'm like dying already..
i dont want this... i do know i'd never be able to keep anyone. so... now... after break up, after
clearing up all the stuffs from that affair, i really dont know how to move on that's true but.. i do hope
that i wouldnt look back. and i do hope that i would be fine and have someone real soon. yea.. now,
give me *a hug, if you're really my friend.. and i would say thanks. oh.. send me some flowers plx if
you can do it...

June 20, 2006 | Permalink | Comments (0)

>>June 22, 2006 at 1:11:37 PM GMT+8

2006 年 6 月 19 日 星期一 【晴】

[ this entry is from friendsters on June 20, transfered by today June 22 ]

hey...

last night, i watched tv, then i fell asleep ard 3 am.

today woke up ard 10 30am. waked by dad...
dad discussed with me about the air ticket stuffs, hotel stuffs..
then i got a call from Vicvic. hee thanks Vicvic..

i feel much more better today. i'm so sorry for yesterday my rudeness to all of my friends.
sorry for the bad break. hummm yup...

then kept busy for information searching. yup... i think my trip would be a bit earlier.
i will fly on 11th Aug, then back ard 20th Aug. or i would like to stay abit longer.
i wonder if i could saty at Toronto for 2 nights then fly to Vancouver.
i will try to arrange that. coz i wanna walk around before fly to Van. yup, all by myself.
i dont need anyone.

anyway, i stayed on line... then i saw someone online. i ....... kept silence..
then asked him if he thinks we should talk. hummm yup... we talk...

i feel much more respect from him today. not like yesterday, that rude and reckless attitude.
anyway, he didnt mean to be that. just too direct and a bit rash. hummm we talk.. and he explaint...
i felt glad though. and i m really okay. feeling much better than yesterday. i guess why i was so upset,
not coz of his choice, but the way he told me yesterday. (the feelings of not being respected)
i'm more relax than before. maybe coz... i just simply dont have to carry too much inside already.
i mean.. i m not being a bad girl eventually. i dont have to be such a bitch anymore. and i could be
myself finally. feeling much light now. oh how great it is... but at that moment, i was really mad. now,
i still feel sad though... but i do like the me now. coz i m really being simple again. i m back to normal life,
non-attached, single, still ambitious n work and studies, enjoying life. i ve broken up with Benny.
which is the man i really love lots, the one i loved the most in the world. i ve cleared off all the
boundaries with the "extra marital affairs", i'm just so pure and simple now. and i'm happy.
strange but true... feeling much light and light... i think now, i could enjoy going out with guys,
go dating with different ppl. really relaxing myself...

coz i dont have to take care too much stuffs. not that i dont love Benny or someone.
the point is... i have been exhusted already. and i had a big break out.
but that break out, did not really broke the all the blocks. you get what i mean?
i was still involved in another relationship. and i knew my position was getting weird and weird
eveyday, it which makes me feeling so strange and unsafty. and i was still guilty. since broek up,
i felt better, but i still felt so guilty for someone's girlfriend. and i didnt say anything coz i want
someone to say, to admit for himself. whatever i tell him is not the right chanel could get to him
at that time. so... yea now.. that's great. and i do appreciate that. thanks god. thanks for my friends
also.

commitment is very important in an relationship. i still do remember the theory and all the classes i took.
i did keep all the credits well. hummmm about myself, i kept my commitment with benny till the day
i really wanted for break up. i still love him, but i couldnt face the relationship. Before, i kept thinking
of... the commitment stuffs, and i was involved in another relationship. so i was very very pulzzed..
confused... then.. i made a very calm but pretty upset decision seriosuly by a series of shout on
words. that broke all the commitment.
i ve been asking myself like if i love him so much why i broke up with him. i asked myself if i do want
the commitment with him. i also wonder there's only commitment between us. i wonder what
commitment for us. i wonder i love him but i dont feel happy. i wonder our communication, connection.
i wonder our dreams and future. i wonder lots of ques ve been appearing in front of us for so long
ago. i do know i ve a picture with him, but that's been blur and blur.. kindda empty being forward. at
that moment, commitment was just the empty shell. and i was living in.

i dont regret for the break up, eventhough i still care him lots, i still love him much. but when it's time to
stop.. it also shows me that i shouldnt and couldnt keep it for any longer. i seem started being able to
undersatnd and agree with that. i m sad but so ? i wonder why there're so much things without
control. even if you really love someone, he loves you so... sometimes it just couldnt work out..
sometimes when you're in love with a new person, you couldnt forget the past, couldnt be happy
accepting the unfaithfulness. oh man, who could? not me haha.. unfaithfulness, that's true to me.
if we patch up, the que between me and Benny would not just be about communication and
commitment. eventhough he undersatnd what had happened. does that mean he could accept what
had actually happened? on the other hand, why that happened. not talking that far, i couldnt accept
all the problems between us. and this time is someone, next time could be some other guys.
i dont think that's good for him, of course not good for me, too.

i'm serious that me and someone are so pure. so, i really dont mean to destory the realtionship
between him and his girlfrined. and never let him interupt me and Benny. and between me and
someone's relationship became much blur coz simply he was not so clear about what he should do
with his chocies. and now everything is so clear. and i'm feeling better also.

thanks for the romance, thanks for the happiness. coz of that, i grow better. really true. coz of him,
i understand i could live happier. i feel so beautiful each days. i found my smile on face. and coz of
him, i got the faith in myself. i could face the problems and break it. i focus back to my life in HK.
carry on. when i just needed someone, he was so nice to me. so... like at the begining with him,
i told him no matter what he doesnt owe me anything. he is always great in my life. and when the
holidays gone, he should get back to his life. everyday ppl come and go. i 'd never be able to keep
anyone with me. coz everyone has his/her life. now we're happy sitting together, having fun. i m not
sure how about the next sec. but i'm happy that you're in my life. coz that my days better and more
beautiful.

i guess i really hate irresponsible ppl. i really hate the ppl who suddenly turn off the relationship.
i really hate the liar, really hate forcing ppl. i need my own space. need my own time. need absolute
sincerety. need the communication and connection. need those to build trusts and faith. intimacy is the
closeness in life. passion is my ability, is my inner reflection to the one i love. flirting is the symbol,
kiss is the signal. need the air. need the care, need to be in love. commitment is from all of the above.
coz you're "really" in love, then you're commited.

i stepped out home, took a long walk..
then eventually sitting at the same Taiwanese Tea House. having that cool drink and started writting
and reading again. he's stil coming. and his visit becomes more beautiful. coz i dont ve to carry too
much inside. i'm just a friend for him. my position is so clear and simple. i like to be simple =) and i could
enjoy this trip with them ! they're still my dearest guests. i just treasure them more.

all coz of his sincerety.

anyway, shan came to see me.. she was a bit shocked that i stayed alone there for one hr before
she gave me a call. ha.. i enjoy being alone sometimes. humm we chated.. and then yea..
i feel much better now, thanks so much. perhaps last night my calling at the public phone didnt
scare you.

i'm proud of him, and i m glad coz i think she will be proud of him, too.

and me.. i'm not looking for a chance to patch up with Benny. i'm just resting and listening to my
heart now. never felt so peaceful before. i should take a break.
and thinking... what i really want, before telling him what i want. dont wanna throw him question
marks.

June 20, 2006 | Permalink | Comments (0)

>>June 22, 2006 at 1:15:49 PM GMT+8