today, made myself the very nice smoked ham sandwiches, and soya,
then... go working... arrived at 10 30am,
then off around 1 pm, then i went to meet up LeeWai,
we had lunch at McDonald's, Tsim Sha Tsui, then i went to the IAL to take my degree certificate..
heehee... finally get it..
then we went to Admiratly, to the Consulate General of Singapore...
ask for some information of student visa..
then... i went to Mong Kong, Lamham Place, to meet Nelson.
i waited for him at Pacific Coffee...
wow~ then we walked around the local streets, accompany him to buy the sport shose...
nice, he's not very picky one hahaha... then we went back to Lamham Place,
we sat at Pacific Coffee again.... yea, very nice, sofa seats are comfortable hahaha..
he told me so many interesting things.. so funny.. we had good time..
then seat there till his frined came..
then we had dinner together at the "Steak Expert" ( dont remember the name)
yea... i ordered the soked salmon spegattee.. nice =P
hummm kindda mean that always mention about the heinous guy(NOT ANY MY EX) today..
seems like they enjoy listening about the story of him ? or actually of mine.
i asked them if it seems so mean to tell them about the story behind the guy..
but then they said no... coz we dont know him.
hummm i'd never spoken to any new frineds about Benny... and then...
i really did mention less and less about my affairs with my dearest friends or best girls..
coz just dont wanna say it over again. well... at least i didnt go call my best frineds overseas,
telling them about how bad i felt or stuffs like that.. or venting...
i just think i should handle well my own stuffs... hummm sharing is the must...
but dont wanna always put the words on mouth or face.
anyway,
today i saw the kids at the MTR station, haha GOODMORNING!
hummm well... the kids were okay... but one of them just .... so unlucky...
well well well...
okay, back home and wanna rest...
thanks for Neslon today, and nice to meet his frined.
thanks for Andrew's sms. oh! i'm kindda supprised.
Thanks =)
>>July 28, 2006 at 3:05:41 PM GMT+8
2006 年 7 月 26 日 星期三 【晴】
tired to get up...
tired working..
tired laughing out loud at work with kids..
i s also on phone with Ade for 30 mins? dont really remember...
i feel a bit worried about my trip to Canada now...
and chatted with a few frineds or net friends for awhile...
hummm nice to have Miss Ho and Nelson helping me..
and i'm sorry for Alex... anyway, he said... plz.. plz move on..
whatever i just dont feel ready for another relationship yet.
tomorrow i will go working at the morning, then have a kindda appointment with Lee Wai,
then i will meet Nelson after that.
i'm pretty tired and sleepy..
and... yea... i'm not happy..
>>July 27, 2006 at 3:11:10 PM GMT+8
2006 年 7 月 25 日 星期二 【晴】
sad is sad.
happy is happy.
but why i always mess it up?
tossed and turned, couldnt sleep till exhausted.
have sandwich with fruit bunch at work with Nelson,
then we started work. not too busy, but sharing job with him.
that's his task, but yea we do together. then can teach him more.
Boss told me... those kids always mention me on their diary, *OH DEAR*
HOW LOVELY THEY ARE !!!!!! i just love them~ yea they're quite noisy and quite naughty hahaha...
but they do like me i know hahahahaha =D
then i know they protect me. i just feel strong about that. and they're all nice kids!
hummmm got the sms from Ade, haha... so SUPPRISED.
then i called back.. oh my god... i wish that they wont leave me before i get on board.
Ade may go to the States before i m leaving Van... so.. i would be lonely at Van again huh?
OH MY GODNESS...
i called Vicvic, hummm she's coming soon! haha NICE~~ coz this time she comes alone,
then i could stay over at her hotel room ! ^^ nice~
hummmmm i didnt tell Ade about Benny or yea.. just dont wanna say it over again.
it's pain and i wonder why i should repeat it to myself again and again..
Vicvic knows a bit.. coz i was at work, not really nice to keep chatting on phone you know..
yea.. anyway, i've told Vicvic about my new heinous friend, WHOM WAS ALREADY CROSSED OUT
ON MY NAME LIST. then Vicvic also asked about Henry. well, me and Henry re just friend i guess.
Nelson heard what i said... then he laughed at me as KIDDING.. what so funny? that frined's quite
scary and irretating. anyway, Nelson is funny.
i still feel pain, ok? i still feel sad... so... when my frineds ask me to go find someone nicer,
i dont know what to respond. you guys know me so well, why keep asking me to do that?
yea, nice guys are all around, yea easy got chemistry.. but so ?
why i dont see you all with attachment walking on the street or even bringing them to parties?
COZ JUST NO ONE..... RIGHT ?
Thanks Daddy gave me a ride today.. so i could feel a bit warm today..
oh.... how lonely i am i wonder..
i read and read on train, i keep working almost everyday, i keep myself avaliable on any gathering
or parties, whatever... i keep myself busy in days and nights.
coz... i dont get one thing... the thing i want the most.... and i lost it.
i dont know what to do now.. since everyone asking me to move on...
i'm not ready to fall in another realtionship, espcially the long distance realtionship.
like what i said... ppl come and ppl go.. i'd never be able to keep anyone... and...
NO MATTER WHAT, LIFE GOES ON.
i could never stop...
i was thinking like... Benny loved me, but he'd never stopped me if i really wanna break up.
and i thought he's right. but now, i know that's not true. he really kept me now.
we broke it, but "Not Really" break my part.. " i'm still there ".
i am still feeling being attached, in love.
>>July 26, 2006 at 2:48:06 PM GMT+8
2006 年 7 月 24 日 星期一 【晴】
today is.... sad....
then.... life goes on...
have coffee..
being super late to work...
then go off ard 9 20pm..
hummm have been dealing with some doc and stuffs.. then had fun with the kids.. really love them !
hummm have called to SFAA, have called LeeWai, making plan.. busy planing my schedule also..
Nelson was fine.. hey he's quite nice erh..
i might meet him on Fri after work.. see how things go... i will work tll lunch time,
then meet up LeeWi, got some doc to do... then after that i might meet Nelson..
have done what should be done at work or in private.
have tried so hard to make up my fault, have done the things with my sincerity..
why... coz... i really want to do them.
Aug said i'm like hooked on Benny...
and yes, i am.
i just wish for a clear answer from him, directly from his words.
i dont wanna guess or assume anything.
after that time, while we still havent finished the conversation, then couldnt reach to him anymore.
missing him..
youk now what... i always couldnt get ppl's sms..
i dontk now why and i really hate that!!!!!
i might ujst miss so much sms... why it happens???
>>July 25, 2006 at 5:09:34 PM GMT+8
2006 年 7 月 23 日 星期日 【晴】
hummm woke up late,
worked late..
have been very busy...
the kids were naughty.... and i had so much doc to read and follow up cases..
then i make coppy, handeling the kids, helping boss prepare notes, my mind was so messy..
tution fee, new students.... ahhhh... messy..
i find that the most valued of mine is the efficency to organize stuffs all together or..
yea, just like puting things on the right place and let things work.
but sometimes, you dont have any help then you need to do all the stuffs by your self..
sometimes feeling like the war.. and my heart was not there.
thanks for Alex, Andrew and Aug' messages,
and thaks for Thomas's dessert.
Mr Yu, Thomas just brought two kids out, then when those kids back, they just carried a small box
of dessert for me. wow, how lovely it is. there's a bite of chocolate cake with the melten chocolate inside,
then with ice-cream and chcolate sauce. oh my god.. it was gorgerous...
all kids come and ask me if they could have a bite.. and i was pretty supprised..
how come he bought me the dessert ?
then.. i shared it with Miss Ho... yea.. i couldnt eat milky chocolate cake..
anyway, thanks=) i just love it.. and yet havent time to call back to thanks him.
no matter what, life goes on...
whenever i cry or smile, life goes on...
whatever happened around me, life goes on...
wether i'm happy or not, life goes on...
no matter if i had really fallen in love, life goes on...
whoever gets on the same bus with me, life goes one, and at the right station, ppl go.
take a pause, then i found i'm actually tired.. and ... i missed him..
the one i still love the most.
he left... eventually left..
i even saw the pic of him with his new girlfrined on msn.
how keen i wished and hoped that at that time my dc was okay for taking only one picture with him..
i tried till the last min i steped in with my abording pass.
however, it'd never allowed us.. we just couldnt take any...
my *tears are falling down without control now...
how i wished that i just regonized wrongly that's not him or wishing that's not his girlfriend.
but when i talk to him, he went off line. i think i'm really irretating.. i'm like the trouble,
like the mess, just something nonsense..
cas, when would you stop blaming yourslef huh?
if he really loves you, you think he would just leave you?
however, that was me to break this up an asked that back but screwed it all.
i missed the way we hug, the first time we meet up..
the first drink he bought for me, the rice he likes, the places he like to go,
the sandwiches he ate, and shared one bite with me. that little cat pooing ard our table.. his big smile..
at the mrt, he protected me, but he was shy. at my room, we played.
the first time he tried so hard to hold my hand, every little things we did together,
the time i was lost in singapore, and the time i cried so loud in my room...
the first time we kissed. the first time i heard he said he love me in his arms.
i cried, then he said, dont cry, we would date again. we kissed.
at te end, we were taking taxi.. i dont dare to look at him.. i keep staring out.
coz i dont want to cry in front of him. and i was affraid to let him see i'm sad.
he touched my forehead, my nose, my mouth..
at the airport, i tried hard to take a pic with him before i check in.
i was rushing to catch on the plane, then i kiss him on his neck. coz i love him.
when i come back to HK, parents pick me up and dad drived me home..
i looked at outside, i saw the Tsing Ma Bridge.. i looked at the night view...
i couldnt believe that i's already back to HK.. i cried. when i arrived home..
i found my top got the perfume, and that's from Benny.
Cas, you just screwed all.
i'm not gonna forgive myself on this.
i couldnt deny my love and defense to myself , but i made us end like this..
so our love will forever being destoryed, and it's all by me.
i screwed it.. i screwed the love...
The Saddest thing is..
i love him for no reasons.. eventually i find that i really love him.. but i have hurted him..
no matter waht..
life goes on everyday..
and he's not with me anymore..
my heart is pain, is sour, is sick, is killing me..
*TEARS FALLING
Love's beautiful so beautiful
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Insane Crying..
i slept around 4 am.
could we start over again ?
dont want to believe what i see, coz i trust him.
my frined told me last night, sometimes, what you see is not the truth.
he really reminded me that. i've heard that from the bible before, but i really forgot it.
when you belive someone, you love someone, you should use your heart to see, not the eyes.
castor, i really hate you..
okay now, you lost it and what's so nice to cry about huh?
you know... you're just too confusing.. you're the most confuse in the world.
kindda regret ..
cas... if you could choose again, would you still go to canada last year?
or you would go study at singapore ?
cas, if you didnt go to singapore when you're 14, would you still love the place there now?
cas, if you didnt go on line, would you still be able to meet benny ? cas if you changed the number,
then would you still be able to keep contact with him?
cas... if you didnt try that hard to go to canada, would you still be able to have learn so much from
there? and have so many nice friends ?!!?!
cas, if you didnt go to canada, would you still have the faith to break this up ?!
if you didnt go to canda.. do you think you still could be brave as today facing so many things ?
if i didnt go to canada, would i be in sg now ?
cas... what over is over.
he has made his decision already. dont blame yourslef anymore please.
STOP THAT FUCKING DEPRESSION EXPANDING PLZ !!!!
GO MOVE ON !!!
I HATE YOU SO MUCH CAS...
>>July 23, 2006 at 9:18:20 AM GMT+8
2006 年 7 月 22 日 星期六 【晴】
hummm
today... woke up late then went to work...
hummm being late... then have been very busy...
not even have a min to have lunch...
then rushing stuffs then pass to my follower..
then i rush to go meet up my family at Tsim Sha Tsui..
coz we go to the bookfair today..
damn tired... i read and read... wish the find my books... i mean the books i wanna buy.
i dont get anything.. i dont knwo why when i look at them, i just dont feel like to buy anymore..
then eventually time is up to meet my aunt for dinner, then... i still walking around..
damn crowd.. damn tired... oh my god... it's kindda like the caios..
then.. eventually at the last min.. i bought two books from a singaporean publisher's booth.
hummm ok... it's like 20 % off..
anyway..
i was so pissed by my family.
what the hell i love hang around bookstore right? coz i love to read, and find the fav book !
then i didnt have enough time to go through all the halls, then... when i met them up again,
dad and mom just scold me in front of so many ppl..
those guys look at me like as in the zoo with the little animal !
anywya.. i was so angry i just walked away.
then.. i called my aunt telling her i was not joing the dinner..
then i called mom that i'm going home..
eventually.. i went to the dinner.. and have fun. ha.. that's called a family.
hummmmmmmmmmm
you know..
just now i saw something...
something that... make me feeling damn terrible...
i feel like to cry but dont know...
why is me..
why i have to face these all.. NONSENSE STUFFS.
castor, see... see what's happening now..
what re you gonna tell yourself huh?
still trust ? give in trust? fuck you castor.
>>July 22, 2006 at 5:21:24 PM GMT+8
2006 年 7 月 21 日 星期五 【晴】
hummmmm worked so late....
i couldnt wake up.... when i woke up, i was such the mess...
then... yea... ate two pieces of biz, then go work..
didnt really eat lunch or breakfast.. have been eazting snack only..
very busy... checking on fee stuffs, updating new records..
then dealing with the kids.
ahahahaaa.... Nelson.... got bullied by the kids. hahahaha..
i think the kids misunderstood him as my boyfriend. hahaha.... the kids bully him la ! hahaha..
anyway, he's not so good.. he could be a fun friend, but not the good co worker or follower.
he made serious mistake.. oh my god.. Dr. Liu was asking me... why the notes were so messy..
yea.. i apologized... oh shit.. just coppy only.. he couldnt finish this simple task,
what else i should let him do? yea... i dont know.. he's just so fresh to work i guess ?
but i read his resume.. he has experience but.. yea.. like what i said...
his resume was not so well organized.. and that could reflect his ability? i dont know..
dont wanna judge on him too early.
tomorrow will go working.. then... afternoon meet my family ! =)
we will go to the book fair !
hummm left early also... then met up LeeWai..
then accompany her to meet the school staff at Eaton Hotel.
wah... so crowd.. and Mr. Kwok was quite annoyed by the students...
Mr. Bose was okay... then Mr. Tan was very calm... hahaha...
anyway... fine... we planed to ask more questions, but at that moment.. just couldnt.
you know what... there're so many rude students.. and ruless.. so i really understand why
Richard, Mr.Kwok i mean was quite annoyed. he was almost mad but just couldnt . HAHAHA.
after that.. Lee Wai and me just went to Pacific at Festival Walk..
i had tea with rockyroad brownies.. yup..
then... i listen to her,... she told me about her lifeand stories..
then i shared with her about what had happened.. wah...
yea.. so long havent caught up with her.. then talk for quite long..
i mean... yea... then...
i cried..... coz... just... yea... i was emotional.. sharing my feelings with her.
very inner feelings... and i think i couldnt be able to share with all here.
then... i dont wanna bring those words on mouth.. dont wanna let it out again and again.
coz it makes me even more sad.
she's the first one listened to me, the whole thing...
how i feel for the real, the truth... i tell her the situation, explain my love for Benny to her...
and i think now i understand why i couldnt let go... coz... i really love him.
i mean this kind of love is.. so true and sincere... that i couldnt make it twice.
there have been so much so much that i should thank Benny... and there was only him...
i think every my friends would protect me, and i really wanna thank them..
Lee Wai said.. i didnt understand why you wouldnt let go... and i thought you should..
but now, i understand.. and i would ask you not to give up.
by the way...
saw Augustus on line at work..
couldnt talk with him, damn busy at work.. then i just called him on the way home..
we chated for ard 25 mins.. yea i was on train..
i'm so glad to talk to him again hee.
humm yea...
i'm not so happy.. and working hard at office..
then live well.... trying hard to gather information for study..
and try really hard to get contact with Benny.
trying to catch up with friends.. and try hard to move on as in live happily, not saying forgetting
Benny or whatever.
preparing lots of stuffs.. including for my canada trip.. stuffs like that..
so busy life..
miss him much..
>>July 21, 2006 at 4:51:09 PM GMT+8
2006 年 7 月 19 日 星期三 【晴】
hummm when i woke up, i dont know what's happening...
supper tired....
late again... ahhhhhh i hate this...
well, i walked to the bakery and bought some cookies and egg roll before working.
hummm i bring the kids cookies and egg roll heehee ^^ they 're happy ~
working... hummm handeling lots of minor stuffs.. doc... students...
then had lunch with the kids. haha.. i love the time being with them actually.
they're so cute! and they love me heehee^^ if other students bully me, then they come protect me,
as in... they dont let other students bully me... but they're not violenct, and they're nice and a bit kiddish.
=)
Nelson came... then got work with him... he's okay la.. but i find him a bit weird..
i means... he's nice and friendly.. and maybe too friendly to me.
then i went to Eaton Hotel again, to meet those three men and hand over the doc again.
hahaha i brought them cookies and egg roll also..
coz the cookies and egg roll i brought are quite local style, cantonese i mean..
so yea, the cookies is kindda western.. but absolutely not American or Canadian style ! hahaha..
so perhaps they like that. the Mr. Tan said "oh i dont eat cookies, no need la, no need le."
" no no no it's okay, it's ok... perhaps you will like it. it's for three of you. "
"oh oh okay... thank you so much.." then Mr. Kwok interupted siad.. " hey! not for you only mah,
you dont like is okay le. for me is good le." hahaha then i also brought them egg roll. Mr. Tan said..
" oh i dont eat egg, i cant eat egg. thank you so much,.no need le.. maybe they'll have he benefit la.
" then Mr. Kowk was so funny... he said.. "oh you see, only 1 of the 400 students appreciate us.
you see you see " hahahaha i was laughing... anyway, yea i have thank them earlier before in my
e-mail for appointment confirmation. Thanks !
i had no time talking with Lee Wai... no time to discuss about the plan..
then i just gave her a call after work..
then we discuss on phone for around 40 mins, on my way home..
yea.. we're making plan and working on it already. wish that would be sucessful.
you know what... we're young, we should take time to think, to plan and to work out the aim.
we have dreams, so why dont we just work this out ? we're not just talking on paper,
we're really doing it. it's quite challenging, but i'm quite confident actually.
at least, we've tried our best ! isnt it just great in life? we got a try ! it's still better than nothing.
we just couldnt pretend like forgeting or giving up on dream. coz it does exist.
you know what... 12 HRS... from 10:15 am to 10:15 pm.. eventhough i was not in office for 1.5 hr..
it still counts... wah.....
dman tired.. coz i've been checking on number stuffs.. like tution fee record, date and schedule..
and notes.. blah blah blah... so tired... but nice, coz i love to be with the kids!
i think their camp is quite nice actually =) they would learn lots gain so much from this camp !
then have a short meeting with boss...
then we all left.. hummm tired....
i saw Benny on line..
you know... i asked him... i dont know if he couldnt talk to me or doesnt wanna talk with me,
then if he's there, couldnt he just let me know the answer at least ?
i mean i really miss him much.. i've apologized for so many times..he knows how i think...
wether he accepts or not, he should just tell me right ?
i'm not blaming him for what, i just want the reply.
i miss him, i m still in love with him. i wanna know if he could forgive me...
i feel damn bad...
>>July 20, 2006 at 3:55:59 PM GMT+8
2006 年 7 月 18 日 星期二 【晴】
today... i woke around 10 30 am... then rusging to go...
i went to Lamham Place to buy the blazer and he dress...
it costs.. $ 500+++
then, went to Yau Ma Tei to have lunch at McDonald's,
then i finish some doc, and went to Eaton Hotel to meet the school staff.
humm there were three nice guys.
hummm we chated for so long... coz.. yea we do talk about the transcation process,
and also talk about the US, HK and SG... culture, Canada.. and food and accomodation, etc.
oh well, they're really nice ~~
they still joke with me ha... it's happy but i better dont trust them haha..
then after the very nice chat... i go back to office.
wokr and work... lots of doc to read and yea lots of minor stuffs to handle..
not easy but not too hard.
hummmm yea... happy to see those kids !
ong the train, i called LeeWai,
coz wanna discuss som school issues with her.
i might transfer my credits to SG center then finish the degree there.
coz the tution fee remain no changes, and then the gov have paid for me.
so.. if the gov department say ok, the gov, SFAA woul;d send my cheque to the US.
then i could go to SG to study. then.. the living expenses is really lower than HK.
so, for me, it's really the SUPER HUGE BIG POSSITIVE NEWS!
you guys know me well, i really love to be exploring different cultures right...
so if this time i really go to SG... oh my god... i might not come back after grad if i get a job there.
and then ... hummm.... coz you do know why...
hummmmmm yup... i really wanna go...
i asked my friends there, the internation student there also...
they tell me.. maybe i would just need less than $1000 SGD/month, for rent, transportation, food.
back home eating dinner.. then got a chat with mom..
dman... mom asked about my school stuffs..
then i reported to her about what i heard today..
and then.. i told her everything... dad was here also..
then.... he was quite annoyed.. i was calm, but anyway... he was very annoying me.
we started arguing...
he felt strongly that i have to go to SG or US which I D NEVER MEANT TO DO SO !
mom was also explaining to him that i dont have that meaning. mom is okay, she understands.
I JUST DONT WANT TO TALK TO HIM. He' s TOO ALERT.
he totally misunderstood and twisted all the meanings. then actually i dont have to discuss with him.
i told him, "discussion over, i dont want to talk with you. and i wouldnt discuss anything regarding
school with you aymore." and i was pretty calm saying this out,
PRETTY ASSERTIVE in the conversation.
coz, for me.. it's not his business anymore. if i really go, it's all by myself. and i'm not asking anything
from him actually. why he's so annoyed? i dont wanna listen to his bull shit anymore. (excuses my language)
coz of what he said.. i would really go gather all the information i need and make the decision
BY MYSELF.
LISTEN, I, CASTOR LAU, WOULD GO TO SINGAPORE TO FINISH MY DEGREE PROGRAM,
ONLY IF I COULD AFFORD ALL BY MYSELF.
keep your mouth shut if you're not gonna help me.
I M MAKING PLAN FOR MY OWN FUTURE, NOT YOURS.
coz i'm not asking my future from you, so i dont have to please you or ask you for a sign.
i think if i could afford it, then it should be only me to make my decision on my own future.
Thanks for the advise if there's anything constructive.
coz you're not with me forever, and i do have my path to walk along and not being such a baby girl
follow paretns all the time. i could take good care and make critical decision by myself.
Here used to be called Shmoo Sassy Rowdyruff's page. It was a random name i got from The Powerpuff Girls' site. however, i am not that little girl anymore. i'm learning how to live a life now. haha! and this is the pic of my 22nd year in my life, taken in the summer of 2008.
here is like my reference, my history, my story, and the little pieces of memorries in my life. someday when i get old, maybe i would just review my life again. or i can share with my close ones... would they miss me someday? i dont know. i just wanna live my life fully and happily =) with the ppl i love on this planet.
hummm
tired to get up...
sad is sad.
Someone who know