2007 年 4 月 24 日 星期二 【晴】

First of all, gotta congruate to my frined.
CHECK this out! Plz visit LCN Clothing: www.lecodenoir.tk
this is from one of my friend, Rami. humm remember long ago on a assignment,
we were at the same group. we discussed about starting a business at the lowest cost.
we were pretty serious, actually wanted to start the business.
then now, here we go ~ he really started it ;) i'm kindda proud of that.
even though i'm not one of the partnership now, i'm so glad he really starts it.

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today... i was back to office a bit early. then had been trying to do my assignment,
but then not after long, Ella called me.. then yea had been busy working... for the posters and
letter stuffs. new promotion stuffs... hummm... then had lunch with them then back to work.
busy today.

hummm i saw honey on line for awhile, but .... no time to chat... hummmmmmmmm =(

Ella said.. i'm kinda bitch today, like.. i am very moody.
i guess so... i told her i'm very stressed. sigh... stress can make me fat. ha...
anyway, yea. stress.
we chated at our lunch time.. then yea.. we talk alot.
i'm kind of feeling bad for my mid-term. but i cant do anythig for that now.
then...

this mormning... Queenie was chating with me. we chated alot on... some relationship issues
and some more on my schedule and arrangement things.
she really understand what i'm doing here now, my busy full schedule with those buch of school
works. i'm pretty stressed. and she knows i really miss honey so much.
she concerns on ... my life.. if i'm doing okay..

the answer is.. i'm not sure if i am okay or not. then... we chat a lot...
i do wanna redue my sadness or anxiety. i do try to get back to my schedule here.
but like what she says, i sense somethign wrong. like... i know i can do my jobs here, i can study,
but... i dont have time for myself to rest and relax. i am very stressed, and it's like.. i feel so bad
adapting to the life like now. i'm not longer the same as before.
Ella said.. at least they're the good changes. and at least i'm not woring in McDonald now. yes.

i cant breath. i am so stressed. and... i know it could be very annoying to keep saying i miss you
i love you to honey. i know it's very annoying, when a girl cant live her life, then keep crying or
whatever but the guy just cant help. i dont want to be like that. and i hope i am not.
i really try my best to tell myself we 're gonna meet soon again. 6 to 10 months....
it sounds short but it's really long.
for me it's like.. i'm back for 10 days+ but it already soundsl ike more than 1 month for me already.

i dont know... Cas.. you might just need some time to rest and relax.. perhaps going out with friends.
but since i'm back, i have been sad and stressed, coz the life is just too busy. my schedule is always full.
i cant even take care much about myself.
Queenie said if i dont change my schedule or if i keep being like that and sad, then it would be even worse.
i think so but i cant help. i think i just need some time.

tonight after work, i stayed at office for anotehr 1 hr.. just to read and... think about what to write...
omg... what kind of model i can use to describe abnormal behavior ?
i think i would use the diathesis model... omg.. i cant be like them. they just have the very clear
concepts on what they should do for the assigment. i tink they actually creat their own model.
but i just cant. i have no ideas what thigns i can come up with. that's also why i'm so stressed.

i try not to think about the work stuffs. so.. i could just focus on my studies first.
then i also try not to be sad. coz i am so beloved by my friends and family.
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Today April 25 is Aragorn's birthday. Happy Birthday to "my" big boy =)
i miss my honey...
Cas, stay strong, be tough...

i promise myself, after my assignment and mid-term on Mon and Tue, i would go meet my best friend
Shan, and i will go ice-skating and shopping for honey. then when my close friend Cap comes back to
hk, we will hang out many many times haha.. and we might go on day trip, whatever.
then maybe in May, Mable, Queenie and Shan and i would just go have fun in China or Macau.
sigh... just be tough Cas... dont cry.

i wish he's here.
i love him... so much..

>>April 25, 2007 at 4:17:04 PM GMT+8

2007 年 4 月 23 日 星期一 【晴】

hummmm

sigh...
i just have done my mid-term.
I Screw It...
3 questions, i only answered 2. then i wasnt quite sure about my answers.

last night i was too tired then i slept. then this morning... i couldnt wake up to study.
and i was last to the test. omg..
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back to home.

today the afternoon class was quite good.
i pay extra attention to class, coz i dont wanna screw my classes anymore.

Dr.Chan talk to me this afternoon... he asked me what happened on my exam, he said...
no wonder i have done so quickly. (oh yea, i just didnt study.) so i didnt ans one question.
he asked me why, i told him last night i slept so early, so i thought could study this morning,
but then i couldnt wake up and outside was raining too hard so i was late to the test.
i felt very guilty and kind of sad actually. just very upset about my test. i couldnt accept myself being that
stupid on my test. but... it happened already... no choices.

i was very sad. not good.

i called honey twice today. i just wished i could chat with him for awhile,
(i just want him to be there listening to me, said something to me,
whatever he said would just make me feel much better. coz i just need him.)
yea.. i called and chated with him for a short while in the computer lab.
he was very busy... oh my honey... he's so busy recently, i hope he's fine there...
but i am not there now, so... yea... cant do anything, cant help him on anything.

i have been thinking to buy him another sleepers in HK.. coz i still havent found the good one for him.
and then i might just bought him something about Winnie the pooh from HK. heehee cute.
buti got no time since i'm back.
i wanna go fix my hair, i have been desiring to go ice-skating for so long still havent gone.
i need to buy something but i dont have time. i wanna tidy up my place but no time.. blah blah blah..
i would go do all of them after my stuffs done in next week.

today in class, there were lots of discussion. we focused on anxiety disorder.
hummmm.... some case studies, and some definition and articles..
hummmm then... in the end of the class, we talk about... DAASA.
D-enial
A-nger
A-rgue
S-ad
A-ccept.
it's like a process for coping things. like... a sad experience or an angry event, whatever.
there are denial, anger, argue and sad.. then finally to accept it.
then i think of myself.

normally, when i'm upset, i might deny on my emotions or deny on something i dont believe in.
then, i might get angry at someone or something. then i will try to argue with it, might not show it,
but in my mind right? then just be sad for awhile, might be a long while, then.. finally gotta accept it.
i might get angry first, then deny on things and get sad and argue again and be sad again,
then finally after a period of time finally get over it, accept it.

i'm sad now, still sad about back to HK being apart with him.
it's kindda funny, coz... like what honey said,
we're just temporary apart ? then... shouldnt be too sad ? be tough..

Dr. Chan said today... it's so normal and healthy to cry when we feel sad.
(haha i do cry alot when i'm sad.... right? yea Cas, you do cry a lot a lot. hahaha.)
he said... even for guys, it's normal to cry. but the culture makes us repressing ourselves.
so... maybe i'm very lucky being a girl. so when i feel like to cry, i do cry.
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sigh.... you know what... i know Dr.Chan is kindda dissapointed at me...
the way he speaks to me, his facial expression just shows he's kindda unhappy...
hummm i told myself, start from today, i would study everyday, no matter how tired or busy i am,
i would study hard, put stuffs into my mind, so the coming final i would be doing great,
then perhaps i could get a B...

Mid-term 20%
Assignment 20%
Final exam 50%
Class Participation and Presentation 10%

there could be some more changes on my abnormal psych assignment... i would get it done tonight.
i might stay up whole night again, but.. dont care.
then, one more assignment, Development Psych, due to Mon as well.
then, another mid-term would be on Mon... so yea... i would be super busy in this wek as well.
i gotta put much more efforts on my studies..
CAS ! WORK HARD ! (AzaZa FIGHTING !! FIGHTING !! )

tmr back to work again, work hard Cas.. be careful on those small things..
hummmm.... got a class in the afternoon with Alex and Mandy though... gotta prepare for it.
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i love my honey...
when i'm sad or happy, i just wanna share with him, as in he would be the 1st one in my life.
it's like... when i have something good, i want to give it to him, giving half or all just doesnt matter.
when i'm sad or worried, i dont want him worry for me but listen to me, can share with him.
i just need him to stay in my heart, i just need him to stay with me. i just need him, coz i really love him.

but i dont want to put on stress or pressure. coz it's not supposed to, and i dont mean to.
however, i think it's normal to feel stress in relationship sometimes. i just dont wish too much stress.
take some balance, take some space.

of course i want him in my life, i want to give him all of my best. i want him happy, i want him healthy.
i want him enjoy and appreciate the life, coz in my heart, he deserves all the best.
but the most important thing is.. we're walking in our life together.
when two seperate persons walk together, there would be lots of changes and maladaptiveness,
but the most important thins is.. we always love and trust each others. and we always try for each others.
he's so important for me...
i put him in my heart, he's here, in my heart, and i hope i'm in his heart as well.





>>April 24, 2007 at 3:53:44 PM GMT+8

2007 年 4 月 22 日 星期日 【晴】

i'm very stressed.


Isnt it called.... Too Little Too Late?
hummm should tell me earlier....


hummm.. yesterday i had been rushing my assignment.
then... from afternoon till this early morning 7sth am.
of course i have rested during my break and dinner time..
anyway... yea... i actually finished all the studies by mid-night. so i started ard 12 am..
then... ard 3 or 4 am, i have done half already. but then found something wrong ...
then i changed a little bit.
i had let the computer on line here, then i was doing assignment at the living room on my lap top.
hummmmm... i was unhappy, but i was very busy, just knew i had to focus and do my things.
stupid just dont know how that router work. dad wasnt helping me. what kind of reason is that?
screw it i dont wanna know.
so.. i actually need to put much more efforts for that inconvience.
i kept tracking on stuffs on the internet here then writing outide. so stupid.

whatever, i was super tired... i was so dead. one moment i wasnt quite able to walk.
feeling soooooo powerless.

Living with fmaily could be very happy and fun,
but sometimes it could be very difficult.

then mom kept talking with me when she woke up this morning seeing me working in the living room,
asking me many questions. i was quite irretated. i didnt ans her anything then she kept talking.
I Do Appreciate her concerns, i love my mom.
but at that moment i actually wanted her to shut up. (i know i am rude)
i dont need her teach me what to do. tell me what i am supposed to do or WHATEVER.
JUST be quiet for AWHILE, plz.

only a few ques is okay.
but she was like...
MOTHERING me.
when i am really rushing up one serious thing, i just HATE ppl staying ard me then keep talking to me.
sometimes it's like TEACHING me what to do, what NOT TO DO. and i DONT NEED THAT.

i really love my family i love my mom. she's so great.
but sometimes... i just need to be alone. i dont understand why but i just need to be.
but it's soooo difficult to have some personal space in this house.

tonight, when i'm home from school ard 7, i just wanna eat something for dinner then sleeeeeppppp till
11 or 12.
coz i would need to study for my mid-term tonight.
i want to have my own time-plan, my own schedule.
but coz i'm thier daugther, and living with them, so.. yea... "follow them".
then i went to bed. she was like.. oh how could you not washing up then sleep?
so dirty not shower then go to bed. she means it.
WHATEVER. i just change and i need the sleep ! ( i didnt say anythign just do it )
i DO WANNA SKIP MY DINNER.
she woke me up after 2 hrs... i was sooooo ASLEEP. i couldnt wake up.. my mind was still in sleep.
SHE just WOKE me up for dinner. asking me so many questions. OMG... whatever i just woke up.
well... i am not living by myself. i m not livingwith roomates, i am living with my family...

and now i know i am so sleepy again. how am i going study for that damn mid-term?

today in class, i always fell asleep. i couldnt think. whemn i read, i dont know what i was reading.
i totally dont undersatdn even it's just something easy to understand.
Dr. Chan asked us to do presentation, i was so silent, coz i couldnt think of anything.
omg.. it was terrible for me.

anywya... Dr. Chan talked ot me this monring. he said... he changed his mind.
the assignent could due to next week. thanks but WTH.
then i disucssed with him on my assignment. i think i still could change some parts then.
i dont understand, i guess many of us was so confused by his guidelines.
then Ben could actually have done the assignment w/o any pain ?
mine was okay if i am not gonna change some parts, but i would like to make it perfect though.
then.. i think his would be fine. but i dontk now if he has talk with Dr. Chan before.
anyway... he's pretty well done in class. kind of scary. coz he's like someone would actually
do psychology in the future. everything from his mouth is psychoological theories.
besides school things, i havent heard him speak of a word. i shouldnt be suprised though.
i'm not so good, but i might do psychology in my future too. who knows.

i do have lots of fun in the afternoon class. maybe coz i had woken up already.
well... lots of discussion and reading... humm but okay...
i'm actually kind of afriad for the presentations in class. espeically when the class is sooo small,
and then some of them are so powerful on theories. i'm just so scared.
it makes me so stupid on the presentation. everytime when they speak, it's like the lecture.
come on... i dont like that. our class style is not supposed to be like that ?
speaking in chinese all the time, studying without a book ? i dont like this kind of style.
but ... he would be teahcing my whole entire courses.

tonight i dont think i can study for long, i am stupid sleepy. i need to sleep.
my brain isnt working very fast. i'm always slow.

i think i speak too much already. i should stop.
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hummm last night i was on line the whole night. then... i talk with honey for a short while.
i do miss him alot. i really wanna share with him about what's going on here, this and that.
but ... we're both very busy. hummmm...
i hope he's doing fine there, and i hope we could have some time pretty soon..
i really miss him so much =(
i really wish... i could be with him now...

>>April 23, 2007 at 5:15:55 PM GMT+8

2007 年 4 月 21 日 星期六 【晴】

hummm

this morning i woke up early still, coz i need to go over Ricky's home.
before, i felt a bit sick... sore back, tired and painful throat.. hummm.
then bought McDonald's breakfast for Ricky... and had 1 hr tutorial class with him.
hummm sad.. i hope he would be fine.

then after that, i walk back home..
all of the sudden, i miss my honey so much... tears down...
i was listening the songs from honey on my ipod...
i walk slowly... trying to take the deep breath, tying to control myself. dont let myself cry.

last night i was on line till almost 4am.. humm was kindda preparing for my assignment,
then mostly just chatting with Queenie! hahahaha... so fun. but actually i was waiting for honey..
hummm... yea.
Queenie and i were talking about lots of silly things. well, thanks for cheering me up...
hee. i'm still sad sometimes. i just think it's unavoidable. really. i dont know why and where my
tears from, why i have so many tears falling down from eyes. i really have no ideas.
when i feel quite sad, my tears come down so natually, i couldnt even control it sometimes.

hummmm back home, then, start doing my assignment imediately.
doing tonz of reading and research.... i spent more than 6 hrs from this afternoon...
finding and watching lots of video clips, then translating some video clips into scripts,
then... start searching for the articles of the case, hummmm finidng lots of news report on that case..
then reading through everything, then comparing the points the arguements of different news channel,
then... reading mroe and mroe articles.. thinking of the theories and the stuffs learn from lessons...
this and that..
i got a break, too.. yea.. it was quite tired... headache...

oh yea.. i decided to do... the Virginia Tech Killing. hummm yea.. Mr. Cho.
i think i have just reviewed ard 15 long articles, and more than 15 video clips.
i wonder if i could put all the information i need into my assingment.... i'm kindda afraid.
i'm not so confident... you know.. this term... my class size is really really small.
then all of them are the good students, too. i am afraid i would be the worst one.
well, i aim pretty high actually, i feel so stressed. coz.. i know i could be the best or the sec best in the
class, and i want to be i need to be. so.. i feel so stressed actually. humm i didnt tell anyone about this.
coz.. it's such a big comparison for me, especially i havent studied for 1 year. i had no practise.
i didnt write any paper, i didnt review my text books before. i stopped for 1 year. i'm afraid actually.
they could rememeber all those theories pretty well but i couldnt. i just forget.
i could do very good anaylsis in class, but my memorries are really limited.
my english generally might be better than them, but my writing skill isnt so perfect that i'm very sure.
i'm just worried =(
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just now, chat with honey for a little while..
he's very busy... i just wish him all the best.. hummmm
seems like since i'm back we re both very busy, we dont really have time to sit down and chat.
sometimes i'm worried. coz this is not my 1st long distance relationship already.
i know what could happen, and i'm so afraid actually. but i ask myself if i trust him, as in...
he's serious with me. i trust him, i really do. he also ask me not to worry.
then i ask myself not to worry. i try not to worry.
maybe coz i'm very stressed and still being sad.. that's why i'm so sensitive.
i just wish that... we could be together now. i dont wanan be apart, seriously, honestly.

sometimes, when i see Ella and Richard got through so many things, and now fianlly being
happily married, i am very happy for them. then Richard was supposed to be back to Germany,
then they idnt know when he could be back to HK again, i saw Ella so sad.
i'd never seen her that sad... i knew Richard s very sad too. he didnt really show but i still could see it
from his face. humm but then, Richard was back to Germany, then he 's back to HK after 3 weeks.
he left earlier than me, but came back to HK eariler too. i'm so happy for them.
now they dont have to be apart anymore. they're so happy.

sometimes, i would think... if honey has planed about our future. or it's still early to mention.
i really dont know. maybe it's not the time yet. he just didnt really tell me what he thinks about our future?
i guess guys are like that... they might have thought about things, but not really do it till
the time they really think they have to? i just have no ideas. why guys are so different from girls?
haha coz they'te guys, not girls. sigh... i hope he wants to and would marry me.
it's so bad for me to say that, coz i am not supposed to say like this.
but... truely that when i love someone so much and find him countable for the rest of my life,
then of course i would want to marry him.... wouldnt you ?
oh yea.. i gave him my password... hummm he is so busy, he might not come read the diary..
if he knows about it... i would be so "yu pei" ........

now here got more privacy, so i am more comfortable to type thigns out.
good good good... hee.
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yes.. i only gave the password for my honey, my sisters and my close friends, should be less than 15 ppl.
well, i dont think my sisters would come, i dont think all my close frineds would come..
so yea~ good. no more strangers. no more so-called friends.


hummm i plan to finish writting it tonight. i must get it done by tonight.
so tomorrow after class i could do some more revision on my mid-term and the final proof-reading.
i'm kindda affraid. coz i still havent wrote that report for the article tomorrow, another class. i hope it wont take long.
hummmmm.. i have to go back to my assignment now.
i hope i can use the wire-less internet tonight. sigh... i dont really try to fix that, coz ... it would spare
me so long, andi didnt tidy up my room yet. i would be so tired after all these... hummm.


Good luck, Cas..
strive for that ! stay tough ! coz you are always tough ! you can do it nicely !
work hard !! =)

May God bless all of the ppl.....

would tonight be very lonely?
i will miss him...

>>April 22, 2007 at 2:59:26 PM GMT+8

2007 年 4 月 20 日 星期五 【晴】

i'm so tired.

i just wanna come home being alone.
well, i live with my family, so.. yea. this is good when i'm very sad.
coz they really distract me sometimes. but when i want to be alone, i really want to stay alone.

today office is very very busy...
i had been busy from the morning 10 sth am till 3pm.
then... still working till 6 th.. then being free till 8pm off.

got a new teacher today, Brett. he's not bad, i think he is american, i am not sure.
then gotta take care something of the new office.. the air conditioning got problems.
then this and that, quite busy... i couldnt even come on line. had so many things to do.
then lots of enquries... and some parents are chating iwth me, they're happy to see me..
yea.. and some kids are playing with me. haha.... Cerene said wow! miss lau is back... yeah.. i can play with her !
haha.. so cute. then got meeting some new students as well. very nice to see them, i'm happy.
hummm... then, i rest. i was so sleepy, wanna study but cant concentrate..
so.. i just go get a coffee... but.. hummm ... cant really concentrate.
i sent the e-mail to Dr. Chan. i need to clearify something, got some ques on my assignment.

hummm i really miss my honey... guess maybe he's very tired.
i really wanna give him massage... eventhough i know i suck... haha...
my massage is not poweful... i know... yea.. i really miss the time there with him...
getting close to him....

i ask myself...
what to do when i really miss him....
maybe i need some excitement.

but, i really want to stay with him. yea.. he's kinda like irreplacable.
i dont know... i wish i am there with him now.
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i wanna apologize for my last entry yesterday if i have made anyone hard feelings.
there're so much things ppl would or wouldnt understand.
and i hope... only my close friends would read my diary.
you could say i am closing up myself or whatever i dont care.
i just wanna protect myself and my private life more.
i have thought about stop typing thigns here, but ... i am so used to here already..
but i gotta think about my honey, my friends and my family, right?
I Really Do.
so, i'm going to try making the password stuffs.

>>April 21, 2007 at 2:31:58 PM GMT+8

2007 年 4 月 19 日 星期四 【晴】

hihi~

i'm damn tired.
hummm i just know that i'm back for 1 week already. and yea, think i have calmed down already.
still sad sometimes, coz miss him too much ha.

hummm today at work was okay.
the morning was kindda busy, then afternoon had lunch with "Richella", means Ella and Richard. haha.
then back to work... hummm was kindda BUSY for revision on my mid-term, hee..
then later on really got BUSY at work. really, lots of parents come in asking information,
then gotta assist some classes, helping on this and that, then need to do my job too.
yea.. then.. busy till 7 pm actually. cool..

then during the free time i just reviewing notes and chat with honey heehee =)
thanks honey providing me good case, so i am not too worried for my assignment, yet still afraid cant
write good report >.< wuuwuuwuu...
sigh.... time is running out now... how i'll be able to finish my assignment and another analysis.
shit, the analysis is for Mon.
then that assignment, and another Q&A of a research paper due on Tue, and mid-term as well.
i'm so stressed...

coz.. office is busy, i'm responsible for all the things, then... hummm...
for my studies, i dont really have enough time and space to do my stuffs.
see, Mon and Tue i go to school all day, 2 classes/day. Wed to Sat, i spend 9.5 hrs @day at work.
Sun, i got a tutorial class with my little cousin. i'm so dead.
my desk has been messy all the time, my lap top is still not accessable to the internet.
then, i still havent got my text-books. my notes and other text-books are very dis-organized.
my notes used to be fine,.. but after my final examsss (like a year ago), i just dont care.
mom always complain to me, i ALSO complian to myself.
but, whenever i have time to rest, i choose to go relax myself. coz i got no time for myself actually.
i really dont want to tidy up places. it's not about i want to or not. just that strongly feel like NOT to do so,
coz... i would never be able to organize things in the way i like. so... whatever... i'm just very frustrated.
i want to remove that computer from my desk, coz i really dont need that anymore.
i really want to remove all those books from my shelfs, coz i really dont need them anymore.
i need more more and more space! i really need my own space to do my stuffs honestly.
coz it's like i would have much more books coming soon, i would need so much spaces for my files.
i really just want a clean and organized room, without any other ppl's stuffs, only mine.
i've been back for 1 week, right? but my baggage is still lying on the floor in the living room. sucks.
see, i'm just this kind of person, i really wanna tidy up my stuffs, but i got no time, no space to do so.
maybe my home is small, but i really wonder what i could do...
I AM ALREADY VERY PISSED OFF ON STUFFS. it's like there're so many things i wanna keep,
but... within a year, i'd never touched them which means... I DONT NEED THEM. okay..
they're just pissing me off. I FEEL LIKE TO THROW ALL THEM AWAY. seriously.
so, i could have my clean and tidy space for schoolwork. and then i would re-organize all my files,
books, everything. i just need a CLEAN and TIDY place.
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anyway, yea...
yesterday was trying to find an e-mail. there was some information i need ofr applying the offical transcript.
then... i found so many e-mails which are from my ex boyfriends and stuffs.
humm some are from myself actually. so.. i read some of them.. one or two actually.
then.. i felt very.... weird. then i just deleted all. not all i guess but 95% at least.
i felt much better after that. i actually wanan throw other things away from my home...

today chating with queenie... hummmm she told me something..
then i told her about deleting those e-mails. i think i had missed my ex-bfs, but... not that kind of things.
just.. you know... for my first two ex, i miss them as old friends. coz we were close friends before.
now, we dont always contact each otehrs, still sometimes. i knew their girlfriends... yea...
but the last one... man... every friends of mine know how hurt i got from him, how bad it was.
well, he might hate me as in thinking i'm crazy or in sane, whatever it is, he would never understand
what i mean anyway. so that's our ending.. ending in a very very terrible way.

i had missed the good time, but so ? it's all gone. the current relationship is not valid anymore,
so does the past good one. that's what i think. i do appreciate the good time we had together.
but, think about that... when everytime you get good feelings, the bad one is coming along,
then you would never known when you would get his reply, you would never be really cherrished
by him. you loved him so much, you cared the relationship. but he d never understood, still thinking
you're only demanding his time. alright, but how much or long time he had ever given you? no. TOTALLY.
his explaination was attached with his disatifaction to you. there was no ways to go futher.
well, maybe i was really irretating. he should gossip me behind and lie to me.
yelling, blaming, everything. i wouldnt deny that i changed my mind or i kindda cheated on him.
i was very very guilty, i was still in love with him. but so? he just did what he thought he should.
he always do. so.... ending up that... the same thing around. he dissappeared. that's what he always do.
well, i had an affair behind him. but that guy and i are just nothing after all. i dont wanna comment on him.
we didnt do much things. we just talk basicly.
it's just not necessary to comment anyway. all the good time was.... he really cared about my so much.
which girl doesnt like that? especially in my situation.
but i just.. couldnt be with him no matter what, he was cheating on his girl at that time.
i thought...
we shouldnt screw things up. but then eventually he chose to disrespect me through that sms. i found that as the biggest insult.
then... after so long, "temptation" was there again, he came to me.
but.. i REALLY DONT WANT to screw things up, really. and i dont understand him, actually he was still with her.
and i had totally moved on, and being happy with my honey. i'm so lucky.


i guess... it is just so hard for me to miss the good time in the past without the right person at the time.
it's so difficult for me to move on from a relationship. since i let go, i really let go. i wouldnt miss anything much.
it takes long time though.
i'm so cold on this. coz.. what made me really move on is.. the feelings of not continouing giving love.
i'm a loving person actually. you really gotta kill me if you want me stop loving someone.

try to understand this... when someone love you that much and decided not to love you anymore,
you know how good you are all the time, or you know how hard it was for me to get through all.
do not expect me missing someone i shouldnt. do not expect that you are always right, coz you'd never
known if you're right or wrong actually. when you always think you're right, you cover up your eyes.
that's why you always dont actually see how others feel and think.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i dont want to give presure on things...
i just wish things could go natually. i just wish ppl happy.
no matter who you are, even some ppl i dont like or i dont care, i actually wish them all happy.
coz... good time has gone, really bad time has gone too, equal, right?
that's why we're here still living in this world finding our happiness everyday.
everyone deserve their happy life. so... i do wish that... we all find our goodl ife.
i would never be invloved in the ppl's life anymore, but i wish them all the best.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

now... i just love two men... one is my dad, my love toward him is the dad-daugther type.
another man i really love too is my honey... my honey stephen.
i really have to thank him... coz he's so special. he brighten up my days.
he doesnt do much, but he's so real to me.


i wish to throw many things out from my room.
but i got no time to do yet...
everyday home after work, i'm so tired already... then sitting down, relaxing then i am so sleepy...

i really wonder if i still could study tonight..
i need to do some more research on my assignment...

>>April 20, 2007 at 5:55:23 PM GMT+8

2007 年 4 月 18 日 星期三 【晴】

hummm today i work..
then.... had lunch with my family, then work again... then off and bought a sweater at Esprit. cold.

hummmmm, i m so tired.
today is so busy.

since i'm back, ppl told me i changed a bit.
i felt that, too.
i had class with Fiona today. nice to see her. her result got improved, i'm so happy.
now, i found that actually Mandy didnt help me alot on the stuffs.
coz... i still need to take over many many jobs from her.
she might share some of my workloads, but... dont know... seem like she just did dialy jobs ?
but she did contribute lots anyway. hummm then now, i have some projects to do for the new office.
i think we 're just different. she can do better job on dealing with the new landlord, she's better than
me on bargining and she knows where and how to buy cheaper stationaries and other tools.
in a way she's more organized, as in helping me to tidy up the desk and shelfs. haha thanks.

then,..hummm... i did change a bit to my students.
i just think i had been too soft to them. when they're naughty, i just dont really care... but then it's not good.
generally, i'm more serious at work now. a student talks to me today she said i look more serious
than before. and yea, i wanna be serious at work. dont wanna just let time pass.
and then.. it's like i know what i'm doing and i wanna get jobs done nicely. and therefore i could have
better control on work, i mean.. it's like the office operation would be under control.
then i could pay attention on my studies. i need tonz of time to read lots of aritcals, research,
information, and the text books. so, i really hope to control everything in my hands, i mean my jobs
and studies.

at work, i'm helping on lots of design now, the logo, the new posters, the new flyers, the student bag.
and thn later, new courses launch, so now doing some preparation and promotion work.
then need to prepare for the new office, such as some decoration, some small things.
some new teachers would come, then need to re-organize some teaching material.
then later assisiting or helping Ella to re-new some courses curriculm or maybe lesson plans.
then really need to rush the summer plan and schedule. hummm yea... summer is the busiest time.

there're lots of thigns on the list i should follow. then i keep things on track, keep moving on..
then, really hope to get everythings done nicely and early. yea, i think i'm doing pretty good, coz
only the 2nd day back to work, i've already done many things, and everythings go smooth.
still feeling stress, but fine, coz i didnt do anything wrong, so wont cause problems.
some parents are still very demanding, creating troubles but yea, can handle them.
just need to be careful dealing with them.

hummmmmmmm last night before sleep, chat with honey for awhile...
he reminds me something that i should beware of. thanks. but then.. i didnt think that was something
big or whatever. coz it's just me. like.. i'm like that. i'm open to ppl about what i m doing or what i think.
i dont cover up. anyway i think he's right, too. so i just listen to him, and beware of what i say =)
hee.

anyway,.... i have to finish my artical.... and then..
i dont know what to do... need to study for my "mid-term" on Tue. what the hell... mid term on the 3rd week.
but yea, 3rd weeks means the 6th lecture. arghhhhhhh........!
then, i have an assignment due on Tue as well. i dont know what to write about.
i dont know who to write about. it's similar to a case study, but... a easlier one, as in...
no time to do much research or interview or observation. so... just need to rush finding someone?
sigh... dont know. crazy.

i think my changes make sense to me. coz... i do did something really really special in my trip.
and i do rest a lot and refresh myself. i listen to ppl, and listen to myself, and think.
the most important thing is... ... . i understand more about ppl and things in life.
so, actually i really gotta thanks my honey. thank him for everything we have been through together.
then of course thanks God.

i wonder trying to put the password on my diary here, so i would have more privacy.
since... there're many strange ppl appeared to me, i feel insecure sometimes explosing my life.
i wanna protect myself, i wanna protect my privacy. and then... i wonder.... who would have the password.
i know many ppl come here reading the diary or just click in here for nothing..
but the point is.. i only want to share with myself or my dearest friends close friends ?
is that possible to not let anyone be able to get this link from the searching tools on sites?
i just dont feel comfortable with that.

anyway, who got my new photo site link? only my close friends.
and here you go, all of my close friends would see some pictures of my trip.
you might be suprised, coz i didnt take much pictures, at least not as much as i used to be hahahaha.
then yea, some pictures are not shown. hee dont tell you why.

oh my god... i'm so sleepy now...
i m not sure if i still could study...

and i miss my honey...

>>April 19, 2007 at 3:21:43 PM GMT+8

2007 年 4 月 17 日 星期二 【晴】

=)

hummmm...
today get back to work. fine.
then finally chat a bit more with honey... i feel better now...
thanks him so much... hee..
the jounral.... i'm happy that he read it... but i wish it didnt give him stress.
anyway, for me, it's very treasuable. coz.. i wrote down everyhing with my feelings...

back to work, hummm busy in the afternoon and evening.
humm i had one class today... finally see Alex and Mandy haahah... so naughty... but i miss them so much.
Alex seems taller, Mandy lost weight. but they're still very naughty.
good news from them on their test. =)
humm then... yea...

anyway, i got the letter from the court. heehee... the fine is much less now.
coz they accpeted my apologise and reasons! yay~~~ and i didnt go to the court.

then after work, i bought 2 shirts and 1 skirt at Mastina.
i dont have any short-sleeves shirts or summer formal skirt for work. hummmm i got disscount with
the membership, so.. yea.. kindda cheap.. $535 for 3 pieces.
hee.

then... i would need to rush designing the new posters and flyers... hummmm..
but then still need to do my assignment, class-work and preparing for the mid-term.
hummmmmmmm busy.

got a chat time with Queenie today at work. she seems having good time there,
and i wish her all the best. wish her happy.

>>April 18, 2007 at 5:01:56 PM GMT+8

2007 年 4 月 16 日 星期一 【晴】

sometimes, i just wonder, if i should use the guys perspective to see things.
i ask myself if i am a tough girl, yes, i am.
but, i'm still trying to adapt the changes now.
tears are from many places.

school starts. i'm very very tired these two days.
two classes/ day, 3 hrs each. two classes of the same course.
lots of case studies, disscussion, then one assignment due to next week, another due to the end of this month.
lots of articles to read, no time reading text book. yet recieving the text book.
hummm i'm so tired.. so tired...
the class size is really small, so.. only 7 of us... what a "group of us".
then, Dr. Chan just pays all his attention on us of course. so, everytime, we all need to
do presentations. he does ask us lots of questions. i'm so tired. it's like.. it's been 1 year havent back
to class. it's still fresh for me to study there. the facilities are great. sources are good.
just really need to put lots of efforts to maintian the good result. i bet it's harder than before.
like before, i really listen and jot my own notes. i do what i want. if i feel like to ask ques, i ask,
if i feel like to ans ques, i would do. lots of classmate there, so yea, very casual comfortable.
but now only 7 of us... then he asks so many ques, and ask everyone, then ve to ans his ques.
then... before we could always form different groups, but now no... only 7 of us...
before, if i dont wanna do presentation, i just skip it. now i cant. he notices every little things on us.

yesterday talk about the... developement psychology. what, why and how.
then case studies, some discussion, case studies again, discussion, some lecture notes,
then, conclusion and summary. really gotta highly particpate in class.

anyway... yesterday after school, i just went back to office.
nice to see Ella and Richard and Mandy. got chating a bit, then we had "bubble tea" at that
Taiwanese tea house. hummm we had lots of fun. they're so funny.
they asked me lots of questions about my trip. hummmm. i was so happy telling them about my trip.
but then i really really miss him so much... i was a bout to cry. ha... so silly.. then... yea we left.
we were there ard 3 hrs i guess.
on the way home is just sad..
i'm still sad anyway. i cant explain why. i am just sad. i really wonder what can help me to feel better.

today is abnormal psychology. okay. i missed two classes before, but still fine can catch up the things i missed.
same that if i have break time, i go to the computer lab to log in msn... hummm... even just for 5 or 10 mins.
then, be back to the office after school. yea. i was sad.
then, just checking things and catching on the schedule there.
i know it's been very busy in the office. omg. they arrange some jobs for me already.
i gotta do some arts again. then yea, i would have a new class on Sat, one on one teaching Phonics.
hummm phonics ... is not my... you know..
anyway, my students miss me alot haha.. i do miss them so much, too !!! hummm good to see them again.
actually many ppl miss me, really. so i'm here again, they're so happy to see me again actually.
it's like everyone is happy to see me here. i'm so wellcomed and be loved. why i'm sad to be back?

i tink it's just coz of him.
hummmm i think maybe he's too busy or tired now.. so.. we dont really talk...
i'm just back for 5 days, but i feel like we're apart for so long already.

yesterday, Dr. Chan asked us a question... "who much do you love you bf/gf? "
no one answered him.. then he said... one powerful book said...
"mature love says: i need you, coz i love you. imature love says: i love you, coz i need you."
think about that, i know i love him so much. i love him and i need him. i need him coz i love him.
then, i really wanna ask.. if i could say... "YOU DONT NEED ME COZ YOU DONT LOVE ME."
omg.. if that's true, i would be so hurt.

oh yea anyway, i should be and would be very busy in this week and then next week.
i guess i would be tired like dead. i still wanna chat with my honey... i just need the communication
with him. it's like... without him, everything just cant be perfect.

the person stop messaging me now, i wish her all the best. watever ppl did before, might cause
lots of problems or whatever, i just wish that all the things would be fine for everyone.
so, ppl, we all can get things over, and have the better life ahead. whoever right or wrong just
doesnt matter anymore. i just wish the problems sovled, ppl would be happy again and forget the past.

i'm just thinking if i could be tougher.
you know what... i really need time to... adjust the things..
i feel anxious, really.
it's a bit hard for me to get back to things here. it just relates to many things, like different stress and my past.
the stress come from many things. school changes, picking up courses again, work-place change,
saying bye to my close friends again, saying bye to the ppl and things i love there. when i'm back,
i am so loved by the ppl ard me, but the communication changed between me and him.
we used to be very close on issues everyday. now, he's too busy, i'm too tired and busy.
someone kept contacting me saying stuffs to me, i just feel so exhausted. it's not about that person,
maybe just coz of me... i'm too sensitive ?
if you were me, what do you think?
and then i'm worried for this and that. i feel anxious. i have to stop this.

Ella asked me how much i love him and how much i love myself.
i didnt know how to answer her..
i think i love him more than i love myself. really. but it's unhealthy for both us.
so now, i guess i should learn how to love myself, too.
to take care of myself, to understand what i want and need and do things for myself.
i miss him so much so much, i m still sad, but i must learn to love myself as well.

>>April 17, 2007 at 4:22:17 PM GMT+8

2007 年 4 月 14 日 星期六 【晴】

hummm.. after two days, i feel better now.

i just...stay with my family all the time. nothing much else to do.
we had lunch outside, i went back to office yesterday, just to say hi to everyone... hi...
then, got a little chat with Ella, May and the receptionist.
then walk around with om, had dessert then back home.

on Fri, we had late lunch with aunt Kitty. before, i gotta back to the ex-office to return the uniform,
and i was wondering to sign some doc, but nope i didnt have to, so i just left.
i should return the uniform like 1 year ago, but i had been busy all the time, so yea.
whatever, it's done finally.

today would be the last holiday. tomorrow, my school would start, and then on Tue, i would be back to work.

hummm... still being fine, just need sometime to get back to stuffs.
some habits need time to change. i had slowed down myself too much, so back to hk now, i need
to rush things up. perhaps i would be better.
these two days out, i found lots of weird ppl, some of them are just very rude.
and i felt so grumpy in Causeway Bay and Central. the air is so terrible, and there was so crowed..
i just dislike all these. i prefer staying in Tai Po.
i dont know.
everyone saw me said i lost lots of weight. i dont think so, but i'm happy though haha.
okay, fine..

i think i'm changed... coz... hummm it's hard to say..
it's like the enviornment doesnt change much, the ppl are still the same.
but for me, i think i'm changed.
well, some friends laugh about that, coz they joke on me like i'm a woman now.
i dont know what is that, i just think i'm changed.
maybe coz i was crying too much before, so now i could accept more and calm down already.

got a few mesgs from a girl. hummm something i dont want to deal with.
then... i really want to stay out from this shit. but th girl keep coming back to me, telling me this and that.
i dont doubt on her words actually, but the thing is.. i dont wanna care.
i dont doubt on other ppl, too. what i think is that's really too complicated to understand the whole thing.
i'm not the judge, so.. i dont want to firgue out who's right or wrong.
but it really bothers me, coz... okay... no confrontatoins i would make, so why bother me?
i want to trust all the things, but tell me... what i am doing ? i just think that's all the bull shit between ppl.
if you want to prove yourself right, then.. go talk to the person who thinks you're wrong !
i'm out of this shit, right? i dont even wanan care what happened.
if it's all for my goodness, just.... go talk to the person you should, ask that person make you feel
better. then ask that person to talk to me instead ! i'm not.. someone very important in this shit. isnt it ?

i dont know.. it bothers me lots now..

>>April 15, 2007 at 3:11:14 AM GMT+8