2008 年 2 月 6 日 星期三 【晴】

i have left myself asecret note of the diary today.
the reason is... i m not sure if i would like to share with any person.
its better to hide it somewhere i guess.
actually later on, i should just set a new password and keep this site forever private for myself.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
what if i have one more day, could i make something different?
i wish time flies back, just one more day, maybe it could change my whole life.
but there're so many these kind of days that i wish i could just... make some changes.
maybe at that moment, i still had no ideas what the present now is..

today is the 1st day of the CNY. hummmmm i slept late ard 4 or 5, then... woke ard 9 sth.
i was so sleepy. getting ready then went to grand parents' home with my family.
this year is bit different, coz ... grandpa did really make food. he cooked, but... not really
making food, he was just heating food today. hummmmm yea very very cold like 12 years ago.

after that, very short gathering this year, we went to the supermarket to get food, and then..
mom and dad went home. Miki, Leggy and me went to Sha Tin today.
we wanted to watch movie, but no, it's all full as i assumed. then, we walked ard and ate at a
resturant for tea. it was okay, but quite expensive as this quality. then yea... walked ard,
and back home.

i remember last year, when i went on line, Stephen was the first person to say hi to me, and then
he just said "Kung Hei Fat Choi" to me. i was like.. suprised he knew about the day.
this year.. no..

hummmm...
if i could fly back, one more chance, i hope... to be back to 2005... when i was still in Van..
i would have just stopped the relationship with that guy, so that i would have enjoyed my time there
much more happily, meeting new ppl, sending more time with friends.
the most important thing is... to see... to pay a little attention to the ppl ard me...
maybe... Stephen and i had already met someday on street, in Richmond or.. . across the road..
somewhere, sometimes, when we didnt even know each others name.
if i could go back and i could... i could just pop up at stephen's front and tell him that...
no.. i would just to say hi and leave. i dont wanna scare him but... i wanna see him.. i would be so
excited to let him know that... hey! here ! it's me.. it's Castor... someone you would know soon..
someone who would fall in love with you soon...

if i could go back, i wish... i could go back when i was still a kid.
when i felt something bad i wish i could be brave to tell. so that today i wouldnt get upset easily.
coz i have a voice. and i probably would speak up for myself, and ppl wouldnt have hurt me.

if i could go back, i wish i could just delete the bad time at home, coz i really love my family, and..
i dont know why... i just love them.. i guess there's no reasons right?
and it's like no matter what, tehy care about me, they love me so much too.
it's not really base on... what i have or have not. what i am or not... they do love me and take care of me.
and now, when mom's sick, and dad's not feeling well, i cant really do much for them and still...
i couldnt take care of my own well. castor, you was a happy person. i would like you to be happy.

i wanna get things more stable. i m going to issue the ticket after CNY, then...
i'm going to tell mom and dad about flying over.. and then.. i m going ot le Ella knows.
and also... need to work on my Mid Terms and papers... and then..

i wanna meet Jackie. she's my anotehr best friend. then... yea...

i guess... after CNY, i am really going back to the conselling. i m going to call Mary again.

i miss Stephen a lot. i hope he would contact me soon once he thinks he can.

>>February 7, 2008 at 6:26:13 PM GMT+8

2008 年 2 月 5 日 星期二 【晴】

hi.

tmr would be the Chinese New Year.
hummmmm okay.
no suprise, same stuffs, same places need to go, same ppl we would meet.
just that.... ppl re gettting older.

in the past week, dad has been a good dad. taking care of the housework, cooking and cleaning.
mom just rested, and then me, Leggy and Miki also needed to help mom. our family re getting closer.
but sometimes i found myself a bit seflish, coz when i was busy or too tired, i always wannna
rest instead of help. anyway i gotta help, coz i dont want mom got hurt. she needs rest.

finally, i handed my paper to Proff Casey. it was okay i hope. i wrote 9 pages, and 2 pages extra for
refrence. i dont know how others did. this class is really quiet, i dont even know what my classmates
names are. this topic is kindda hard for me, but i did it already. it's done.
he's a good teacher. he seems very cold in class. but then outside the classroom he's just... friendly.
so it was a bit weird to go down stair have some snack with Proff Casey.
yesterday during break. he was waiting for me after getting his ice cream. then he started chatting.
i'm okay to chat, but.. it'ssss.... a bit weird.

the coming week would have mid term of Dr.Chan's class, Adulthood. then the next next week would
have to hand the sec paper of US Gov. then the week after that would need to hand another paper
of Adulthood. then one week off to prepare Final exams.

i got the grad report just now through e-mail.
omg.... i got both As on Critical Thinking and Skills& Strategies of Helping Professions.
but then.......... the shameful thing is.. I GOT a C on Adjustment !
oh no.... =(
i'd never got a C.... and... you knwo what... MY MID TERM was GREAT, and MY PAPER was OUTSTANDING.
BUT, my FIANL EXAM SCREWED, which weight.... 50%. i was quite happy about my scores on
the three courses, coz they went very well, i was very satisfied, UNTILL the FINALs coming.
i knew that i was not going to do well. i was just exhausted then i screwed the last Final,
yea the Adjustment, i didnt really study at all. two Finals on the same day, i have no time to prepare
during the days or nights, so... i couldnt expect i would do very well.. and then... turned out...
i ve taken almost a week to forget and let go of that examination day. the worst come to worst
would be having a D, which now is a C. i'm not happy of course. i have wanted and aimed to get
3 As, which i'd never done before in this school. i dont usually take 3 courses each time, but i did
it a few times, then i got 2As 1 B. and the last term, i could probably get 3 As... but no...
Castor, it's just 2As and 1 C. i hate the C. coz since 2005, i'd never had a C except this time.
but i think i ve done my best. so... i dont wanna blame myself for that.

then anyway... thanks Alesja and Nelson for the help on my paper of US Gov.
Alesja gave me opinions on the paper, i got confused by the business law and stuffs then Alesja
helped me. she has strong opinions on government studies, good for her.
then Nelson was very helpful as well. he just helped searching his law books and text books
to help me, to answer my questions. i was so glad that he helped me a lot, even though it was British
not US, it does help.

hummmmmmmmmmm...
it's been a week not seeing Stephen on line. i dont know what he's up to. usually when guys dissappear,
stay out of contact, that means they need space.. or "busy".
so.. i thinik i should just let him in stead of calling or whatever. i have left him mesg that i miss him.
if he miss me too, i guess he would return me a mesg at least. if he doesnt, then i aint chasing after anymore.
i'm tired. and it's his choice anyway.

>>February 6, 2008 at 5:27:54 AM GMT+8

2008 年 2 月 3 日 星期日 【晴】

good afternoon,

very sick. runny nose, sour thoat.
still rushing the paper.. i have done 5 pages only, but already stopped.
i still need at least 4 to 5 pages... i wonder what to do...

i call cancel the teaching later, so that i only need to go to class at 7 30pm tonight.

just now mom called, her report is here. she is not fine.
i start to worry for her. but still.... not that bad, the situation i mean..

anyway... need to continoue... really need to think about what to write..

i miss him.

>>February 4, 2008 at 4:59:46 AM GMT+8

2008 年 2 月 2 日 星期六 【晴】

yesterday...

office was ok. it was kind of busy.
Chris came earlier, we got kind of chat. then we talked about the schedule.
i asked if he's avilable on Fri night ard 6 30. he smiled, he asked if it's between me and him. i said it's
between you and the student.

anyway, thanks Ella, coz... i could leave on time last night. thanks Richard to change time for me.
last night got a Bday dinner in TST, yea grandpa's bday. it was okay. same as every occasions.
i m not excited to go, but it just becomes something must do and somewhere must go already.

back home resting and then slept. just too tired..
i just oke up... ard 12 sth.. then ate noodles and cookies... now i gotta start my paper.
omg. i m not very sure how i'm gonna start. alright.

i dont know why this morning when i got up... i had a question pop up suddenly and.. i just cant get
rid of it. it's like someone's asking me, keep asking me the same question over and over again.
i heard ppl asking me if i'm angry. then... after long... i just told myself to stop it. no, i m not.
i'm just upset.

anyway... today finally got sun shining. yea plz wash away that depressing mood.
work hard Cas. see how much you could do this time. work hard.

>>February 3, 2008 at 5:59:38 AM GMT+8

2008 年 1 月 31 日 星期四 【晴】

hi.

7 09pm.
i'm still at the office. today is a bit long... but still okay.
got seeing different ppl, teachers, students, parents, and lawyer.
got reading books and information.

i went to the lawyer office to pick up the rental doc at my lunch time.
this morning was busy helping the calculation. then lunch time went to the lawyer office.
back then wokring on other stuffs and my own school work.
helping the the drawing class, and this and that.

the chocolate season Valentines is coming very soon...
the first flower i recieved is from Thomas, one of our students.
he was so cute. he came with some flowers he picked somwhere else, then said hey.. this is for you.
i was like.. wow... thank you, that's sweet. yea this boy is so funny. when he comes, i usually laugh
more often. then...
i chatted with Ella. i asked her like.... has Richard given her chocolate. she said.. no.
he gave flowers. then how about your ex? she told me no, they gave flowers or cash.
i remember at high school, we exchange chocolate with friends or othe schoolmates on Valentines.
some schoolmates would give special chocolate to their gf/bf. so... i still have this habit...
buying chocolate for the ppl i love, like frineds and teachers, schoolmates..
last year i bought Stephen chocolate, but then i didnt send him... coz... i wonder if he would be lonely
after reciving my chocolate but spending valentines alone. i kept the chocolate with me till i saw him
in real in Van. then i gave him that little heart shape box of chocolate. i hope he still keep that box.
this year... i dont see any special card yet, well i dont have that much time to search for a nice one.
and... i dont know if i should send him chocolate or bring him when i go over..
i will go in April, so.... it's more like Easter, not Valentines. but then... sending him chocolate...
might be a bit strange. he doesnt really celebrate... would he want the chocolate?
or he doesnt even wanna speak to me...

like Christmas...
Alesja asked me so what honey gave me in the end for christmas. i said i dont know..
maybe some dirt. i guess i should never have believed that he actually prepared me a gift, then at least
i wouldnt be disappointed. then Alesja told me not really my fault. well when i walked through many
places to want the perfect gift for him, i didnt really expect anything from him. just that after i heard him
saying he actually prepared something then i was sooo happy and i found sooo sweet. coz.. eventually,
there's a gift from him, and which i d never asked for. but then.. here Valentine's coming soon
and i still... wondering what gift he was actually preparing for me.
maybe... i will see in a year or years.. or... forever in a myth.

anyway, Christopher stopped by, saying hi and picking up cheque.
he was so excited. we have a basket of candies on my desk. then he asked about that. he was so
happy like a kid. he's joking with me alot. and he said he's gonna give me some chocolate on Valentine's.
then i just soothed him away.. uhhhhh okaaay.

humm tmr we will have Grandpa's birthday dinner. i dont really wanna go all the way TST after work.
and it's so cold at night. i dont know... i guess i have to go... and it's like... everytime is so boring and
i dont like to entertain with them, i dont like socializing with them. but i am forced to be there at least.
mom's side is fine. my aunts and uncles and cousins are fine and nice.. but dad's side is just....
i dont know.. i dont like being with them.

i'm still working on the information i got for my paper. omg... i just wonder if i had just picked up a wrong
topic or wrong time to do this topic. coz it's kindda hard to digest everything, since 1998, almost 10 years.
this case happened long ago enough, it's a real big case to write about. but it seems a bit too hard..
i guess... if i could do it nicely, then i would get a pretty high score. if i screw, then the comment might
be.... castor, this topic is too big for you in this short time persiod, or.. castor how did you come up with
all these points? ahhhhh.. i hope i would get it done nicely.

>>February 1, 2008 at 11:55:31 AM GMT+8

2008 年 1 月 31 日 星期四 【晴】

hey hey hey...
how're you sick sick castor?
i'm not good... i'm sick..... i'm busy...
how come?
coz... i dont know.. the flu just come visiting, and i actually didnt let him in, he broke into my body...
>.< so bad...

hahahah..

i was doing my research at the office this morning, very busy..
took a day off yesterday staying home resting. so.. yea did 6 hrs research at home yesterday..
got loads of information now, and still need some more time to work on them..
i'm going to do..... the Clinton case. and after reading so much, i found that i'm not on the right direction.
i couldnt really write about the rights he has. coz it's not whitin the area i should be in at all.
i thought the freedom of the press could work with the case, i wanna write about the press and him,
how they work out the big international news, and how he screwed his career path, and blah blah
those political chain effects. but then... Alesja just told me that.... he's not a private person.
and yea, i read the content, and i realized he's not protected somehow, coz he's a public figure.
i feel like choosing something wrong or just too difficult.. i have been working on it for 12 hrs or more.
and still not very clear of what i can do next. headache.. i actully have a flow of this on my mind..
but... kindda..... confused about something.. need to organize a bit...

anyway..... chated with Gigi. she's back. congrads to her graduations. she studyed in psych as well.
and then yea.. got some chatting with Alesja and Capella.
got crazy class with Alex. he's so naughty but okay.
got a call from Jackie. i miss her ! really looking forward to seeing her sooonnnnn...

i'm planing the day for tomorrow..
hummmmmmmmm busy.
actually many works at office waiting for me.

i know how busy i am, how stressful stuffs could be..
but i'm also trying to stay peaceful. coz i feel much better in peace.
busy life, but i'm cool, eventhough sometiems it's too stressing or too tiring... i can see myself progresing,
and see how much ppl love me support me as well. i really try making time for them as well..
and trying to make time for myself. these all i could do to thank them and i do appreciate and cherrish
the ppl ard and the things i have. i want them happy.

the weather has been depressing me...
so chilly and rainy.

hummmmmmmm
castor, you gotta tell me.... sth.

>>January 31, 2008 at 6:02:46 PM GMT+8

2008 年 1 月 28 日 星期一 【晴】

hi.

i feel sick.. i guess i got a flu..
anyway.. mom went to the hospital today...

hummmm last night got class till 10 30... back home having dinner and rest.. i slept ard 3am.
then... i woke like 11 30 am this morning. then.... washing up, took a hot shower..
then, packing up, getting ready for school, making tea and sandwiches for "breakfast"...
then.......... chatted with honey about something. i hope he will get well soon..
then i rushed to school. saw Proff Casey down stair. haha he's late.
then had class. quite boring today, but learnt a lot... thanks.

then rushed back to Tai Po, on the way, got burger and fries... too hungry..
i arrived office, but Richard canceled the class. dont know why.
anyway... got dinner back home for sisters. hummm i miss mom.
i just finished my book, "For One More Day." it's another great book, same author with "Tuesday with Morrie."
"For ONe More Day" is also about mom and a son... it touches my heart. i guess it would be great
if i could have one more day when i'm about to die... i hope it wont be too late to love and thank
the ppl who have been loving me and standing for me.

mom should be back tomorrow.. and... i don know... i hope she'll be fine soon.
same with honey, i hope his arm would be fine soon.
i love him, i love mom.

i'm feeling sick... i wonder if tmr... i could just stay home resting..
and probably rushing my paper now. omg... paper due to next Mon..
i still havent got my topic yet. i dont know... i'm going to do civil right.. but gotta find a secific topic.
uuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhh =(

got a call from Jackie. yea, my another best girl is back to HK for CNY.
great. another year's gone, here she came back again =)
i'm looking forward to meeting her. hahahaha... we used to be togetehr all the time at school.
same class, same friends, same activities. miss her lots. but i dont have any free time at all.
but still i really hope to meet her..

i hope that i dont have to work tmr.. coz i'm sick.. and i wanna do my research on my paper..
and also... you know... i really wanna rest. i m not feelign well.
i hope to meet JAckie............................. but... when?
oh yea, i wanna meet Queenie too. her gift is still here...

>>January 29, 2008 at 2:05:03 PM GMT+8

2008 年 1 月 26 日 星期六 【晴】

hi.

Sat was too busy too tired. i was at office, it was a bit silly.
then i went to Causeway Bay, the Central Public Library.
i finally got some books for my US government paper. i m still looking for a topic anyway..
then... yea,. borrowed the text book as well. i couldnt afford the this book.
then yea, too heavy, andi was wearing my high heels. it was very tiring.

today... i had morning class, yea.. sunday make up class.
i had breakfast at school, full breakfast. coz i know i wouldnt have time for lunch.

after class, i rushed to Mong Kok, to help Shan on her project.
i was one of her models. i saw lots of design there... okay..
we had a good time though. but i was so tired. and it was funny that the four of us, incld
other models of her were helping each others on the out-fit, and make up..
ha.. it was okay.. after that, Shan and i were exhausted.. then we went back home.
the show was okay... but i guess we all were a bit disappointed. maybe later ... can share some
pics on Facebook. it depends on how busy Shan would be though. ha..

then back home watched Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. it was so great. omg..
i m not a model, but they are. ha... well oday wasnt really like a runway show anyway.
it's half of the runway only. hummm okay.. then... shower and dinner..
then the Korean Drama.. omg.. i almost cry...

Mug Dou Mo finally remembers everything, and she left that valley.
she is confused about if she's Mug or Anna. so she's back to her big house, and she is so unhappy.
she couldnt adapt to her "old life". the old ppl and the old things are just unfamilar to her now, like
strangers. she crys. her husband asked her why she's upset, coz it's not Anna, it's only Mug.
oneday she would be able to go back to the reality, the Anna, not Mug. he told her... the now is still
not real at all. then she said... No. It's Real, and coz it's Real, so It Hurts.
she's a girl who has never opened up her heart, till she lost her memory and stayed in the Valley.
now... she has already opened her heart for another guy during that time of period.
she gotta go abck to her boring and cold life. she said... it hurts like.... breathless. she cant breath.
and that pain is.... just real. now she's Anna, and Anna cant go back to that valley. but even if she is
Mug, she couldnt live in the moment now. so... the both of her is the same person.. and she misses him.
coz of him, everything makes a difference, and her life is changed.

me too.
when i came back to HK, i couldnt really live my life here. i go to school i go to work..
and ppl said i changed lots, especially my close friends and Ella.
i know.. it was not only about the changes in the enviornment, it's about him, my honey.
then the time in hk this summer was very very tough. i attempted to kill myself once. it didnt work.
and then i just thought of many ppl at that moment, so i stopped.
you wouldnt know how much tears i have fallen, you woldnt know how much pain i bared with.
everyday, every steps were so heavy, my heart i mean. it's bleeding inside.
you wouldnt know how crazy life i gave myself just as to make myself feeling better, yet all fail.
yes, all fail.
some ppl might think i was crazy then, coz i got my work progressing and my grade at school was
almost all As, and a few Bs. but you wouldnt know what kind of life i gave myself.
at night, i cried, at day, it hurts. it's a cycle, and i tried to make myself happy. but thennn... yea..
it was... just... very very difficult. he and i were not stable. and i miss him too much.
i met Mary, my conselor. things changed.. no.. not really changed but i changed.
i made some changes slowly. i realized more, regonized more.. and slowly i just changed.
now, i'm feeling much better, having a better life... learning to you know.. live a life.
to accept changes, to accpet my feelings, so that i could find out what i want and what i think.
i was too lost. so i learn to experience life, experiece all that happened, and stay grounded.
the most important thing is to... realize how beauiful i am, well as a whole person. and i dont wanna be shame.
i am proud of myself, and l wanna love myself more. and i know... i deserve much more happiness,
and love. but before i wanna be loved by others, i guess i really wanna be loved by myself first.
coz you know... there no one would love me as in the same way i do to myself.
i aint selfish, but i just think i deserve a little more love from myself.. i used to give and give and give..
and i didnt know actually i should give some to myself. now i know, and i try to... live a happier life.

today in class, we have discussed on some theories. one of them said, Eric Eriksion said...
if an young adult wanna pass the crisis at that stage, Intimacy v.s. Isolation...
it's not only to build a close relationship with others, it's also about if that person can do it as if not
feeling losing himself, not actually losing his own value, coz he knows who he is and what he is doing.
he could have a trusting relationship with others, yet fear of losing. it's independent or interdependent.

anyway... congraduations Castor.. coz.. you're on progress, and your experiences mean so much
to you, they're not only some changes in your life, they're something to shape you into a better person.
your changes are meaningful, and so you grow.
maybe i'm not so ready yet, i'm still... you know... kindda unstable, but i know i would be fine.
even if you dont love me, i would still love myself as who i am. coz this is me, and my life.
i'd never know i had a choice, but now i guess i have. i could choose to be happy. i could choose to
be myself. i'm still the Castor you would smile when you see me.
dont cry.

i really miss him still, and... i m looking forward to seeing him again.
it hurts so much so much... coz .. it's real.
and coz it's real, so.. i cant erase it.

>>January 27, 2008 at 4:37:42 PM GMT+8

2008 年 1 月 24 日 星期四 【晴】

good afternoon.

now i m eating my late breakfast, the chocolate tart with tea, in office.
yesterday, i was really tired.

i just went home, had dinner, shower, putting the mask on, then watched tv, read my book and sleep.
i slept for... 9 hr sth, but not enough. i couldnt get up this morning.
i got some weird dream. i dont know why suddenly Cap, Ade, Cyn and Sheila are all in my house.
hahaha.. then we were in Canada as well. it's so weird. i saw some beautiful house, so big,
so many candies and chocolate, sweet stuffs. hahaha... strange but happy =)

anyway, yesterday got a call from dad. hummmmmmmm hee...
Hilary is going to Vancouver, she wanna apply to UBC. then her dad, my dad's boss, wants me to
go over with him.... to help her daugther doing registration, and they wanna find a place to saty, not
hotel, but finding a town house, probably not only renting, but to own it. so, i might would go over
Vancouver in summer, ard June to Aug, maybe for 1 or 2 weeks, everything is not confirmed.
and hopefully, they might find a place through honey.

yesterday, i just got re-schedule my time table. i found that i would be pretty busy till March.
that actually means i would be very busy till the term end. then i could rest much more and more.
i would still come to work, but probably change the days abit... i might not come on Fri, but anotehr day..
so that i would stay in Prince Edward a full day for teaching. so i work 5 days/week only but still could
have a better income, hopefully.

then, hummm... i am going to issue my ticket in Feb, middle of the Feb i guess..
i would still go over in April, that's what i plan. then i would stay till July, i guess..
well, at least the end of June. then back to HK, and... i dont know... probably go over again within
June- Aug for Hilary and her dad. i dont know if i would go to Toronto first or just Vancouver..
and everything is not confirmed yet. just hope that.... all would be fine =)

i really wanna tell this news to honey yesterday, but he wasnt really on line... so... i guess...
maybe later.. when i see him on line again. then yea...

humm Dereck... this guy... i dont know what i can do with him. i wonder what does he want.
it's so weird. sigh. he doesnt say he likes me or anything, but just... you know.. they way he talks to me
or anything that regarding was suffocating me. it's like.. he's even more than our friendship, and that
is kindda like controling me with his language. he tried to say something very possitive, or do something
to draw my attention lots, then he would talk a lot about how good he is, how great he is, and he would
say like actually he's not that cool, he's insecure, he's so afraid of this and that, bascially coz of how
rich he is. and i 'm not interested in anything like that about him. then he would always threaten me like
if i dont talk to him, then he would be this or that.. but it's fine. OF course it s not fine at all when he said
that. he just wanted me to feel sorry for him and take care of him. what kind of friend would do that ?
and i wonder if he's just talking shit for nothing, just bluffing. coz... many many many things that he
talked about just dont make sense to me, and that only makes me think that he says all stuffs for some
reasons, maybe just to draw my attention, and that really irreates me. i hate guys acting cool, i hate
guys acting sweet or anything to impress me for nothing. i dont know what he wants and it's stupid.
he just left me a very long message that.... show me how childdish he is. he even told me a story of
some boat sinking, and the husband there try to survive by pulling down his wife in the water,
then he thinks he's that husband and i'm the wife. i was like... WHAT are you talking about?
i'm not the wife, and i'm older than him, i dont and i wont date any guys who is younger than me.
and he said like... he thinks he has been trying to make himself good, so that I HAD TO DET DOWN
ON MY KNEES for him. haha.. i was laughing... i'm so sorry but i really dont understand what he's
talking about. i d never got down for him for any moment, not even a second. so... ha.. i dont know..
i dont know.. i really dont know if he's serious about what he said or he just try to gain my attention
again. i dont know what he wants. in the end he asked me to go on my life happily, this and that..
he said if i dont understand what he said then please i should ask him and he would only talk to me
till next week, that's it. haha.. i was like... what if i dont mesg back. sigh.. i dont know..
am i really that funny? i mean... why? why me? what did i do?

okay.. i gotta do my research now... lunch time now actually.

>>January 25, 2008 at 5:25:59 AM GMT+8

2008 年 1 月 22 日 星期二 【晴】

hey.

back to office with my coffee today, having a lazy start.
i saw Leona, the girl i used to feel breezy with at work.. and also the one that i dont really wanna see nowadays,
since i knew about the lies and those stuffs.. Plus the good thing her sister Joey did behind me.
she tried to chat with me, but i just.. you know.. answered her what she could know and show her
that i would prefer staying in peace in the morning time.

i found myself quite cold to the ppl who i dont wanna be with. i usually dont dislike ppl easily..
but... after so many things happened, i guess slowly i learn to be wise to dislike ppl, maybe in a...
more peaceful way. i dont gossip, i dont accurse ppl, i dont make story behind them or whatever
stupid actions. i just avoid all the un-necessary communication with them. i kindda... refuse to know
what's going on with them as well. when ppl talk about them, or anything i need to do within the
same network, i become very careful... there's only one reason... that's to protect myself.
i really seldom to dislike someone, and i'm super forgiving. i'm nice to ppl, but i aint stupid.
the most hurtful thing is... i treat ppl nice and friendly, and they think i'm the adventage they could step
on. or they take me for nothing, for granted whatever that the devalue me or our friendship or relationship.
why you have to do such thing to hurt me? is that coz you know i'm easy to be used so that you could
bully me? and it's so stupid, coz i'm not like... a desperate honey girl waiting or seeking your attention
or anything from you. there's no reasons why i'm nice to you. i m just like that. but if you take it as
something stupid, you're the most redicious person.
i like you or i dislike you, there's a very clear line in my heart. if ppl apologize, i am ok. if not..
i would feel so uncomfortable with that person. it's like... why? why do you have to do that..
you know..
there're many chances or choices i could do something to harm you while you wouldnt know,
but i wouldnt do that to you. then why today you did that to me just for that little selfish wish?

and... the worse is... i think i deserve that peace, you know.. by being away from those who treated
me like that without any regrets. but ... when i see their face or anything like.. they're a bit shock
to find themselves un-welcome by me. then.. i just had a thought like.. if i should just forgive them
and forget about whatever, then just smile and be friends again?
i dont know.

i guess.. there're many thing after the forgiveness.. such as... the trust and how to re-build the frinedship.
at work place it's a bit complicated. coz.. if i dont trust the person, i dont wanna work with him/her.
and it would directly affect lots of working proceedures and... the students.. the office in general.
personally... i really stop the contact with some guy friends. some were blocked, some were not,
but i m just really really cold to them. i cant stand ppl taking advantages on me or taking me for granted.

i had class with Alex today. he's so funny. we played game, read story book, do worksheet, do spellings,
then let him rest and eat some snack. he's so funny. this kid really needs to grow up. he's 7, but..
still like a 4 or 5 y.o. sometimes. it's cute but... he needs to be stronger. the cognitive part is not a big
problem. he's smart, but if he keeps acting like a 5 y.o. boy, then it would influence his study alot.
hummm i can see him fine with his social ability, but... i think his mom has to do something at home
with him. coz.. i feel like his mom still treats him like a baby. he's still fine, much better than before,
but still... needs some more work on him. and i'm happy to see him =) i'm not only his teacher, but..
his friend. i'm happy.

honey and i finally got more time to chat today.. i'm happy to chat with him. really.
i also tld him about mom.. she's taking the operations on next Tue.. then... i also told him about
this Sun.. the model thing..

then........... hummmmmmmmm
i think of a girl. and i asked the same question... if i could just... accept whatever happen to me or
about me just coz i could understand the situation that person in?

maybe after all... if i wanna keep my personalty, i should just shake it off by accepting whatever ppl
want me to? or maybe not. i should stand for myself that i should speak up what i think, why and
show my empathy or understanding, but... saying no, or to disagree with the point i cant agree with?
i dont know.. i guess i could understand why ppl lie or why they did tthis or that.. but... come on..
this girl actually made stories on me and behind me. she lies to different ppl, including my friend.
after a long while, if she has ever intended to come back into my life... why should i let her in?
giving her a chance to attack me at the back again or... give her another chance to hurt herself and me?
to be honest, i wish her fine. i was angry at what she did, but i still dont hate her at all, i know i m silly,
but.... maybe coz .. i really feel sorry for her and i wish her fine and happy too. you know.. i dont really hate her.
but... if she comes back again... what am i going to do? what if she does silly things behind again?
at this situation... i cant hate her.. i dont hate her. she's nice... but... i should be careful of her i guess..
okay Castor... Relax... She ISNT coming back.

>>January 23, 2008 at 5:12:42 PM GMT+8