2007 年 11 月 27 日 星期二 【晴】

hi.

hummm now it's 1 40 am.. and i'm actually wanting to rest.
hummm...

the work today was quite busy.
i dressed up formally today coz we got 2 interviews. but then 1 didnt come.
hummm the morning,... i had been rushing some research for my paper.
then.. also trying ot work on some stuffs before Ella came.
then Ella had class, i was busy working... then i went out and back to the office.. then ..
yea talking with Ella, and got the interview.. then.. yea......
after that, we discussed on some doc stuffs for liscense..
then we went out to did a bit shopping for the office.
then back and i had been busy, then my students came.
Alex was nuaghty, he was tired i could see.. then.. we played and did some work..
he was fine, i was happy =)

after the class, i had been busy.. so i left office late again.

after work, i went back to the place for my name stickers. haha yea i created my own stickers.
and today i made a stamp for myself. with my name and a symbol of Cinderella. nice =)
then i bought some stuffs for mom and Alesja, also for myself. yea.. i'm doing some shopping
for christmas actually. thinking of gifts for family and friends, and of course for Stephen.
wanna give some little gifts for my studnets as well..
on Tue, that huge gap between school and teaching at Prince Edward,
i have been to Marks & Spencers, City Super, Page One..
i bought some nice chrismtas cards for friends and i picked one special card for Stephen.

i left Stephen a few off line mesgs recently.. i just miss him too much..
then finally we chat today... i love him.
it's not that... how much he could do for me, as in... i'm nt asking for someone to deal with my problems
or stress. i just hope that when i need someone's support, i could always get his.
sometimes i just wanna be hugged. i knew he is far away. but if the guy hugging me is not him,
then i dont want. i only want his. i dont want the distance... so.. somehow i really wanna grad soon.
but then.. i will miss my school, miss my class, my friends and teachers.. you know..
those time are very treasurable. i can really learn new stuffs and those would be useful for life long.
i'm so happy to learn. i'm so happy in class, but just.............................. too stressed that i dont have
enough time.

on that day... Tue...
in class... i was having my morning coffee. then Dr. Chan and other classmates were discussing
on some classes and topics. then.. suddenly i heard ppl talking my name. i wondered what they
re tlaking about. they were talking about me. coz the thing is.. Professor Casey is a very straight
and American teacher. he gave loads of class work, we need to do so much thinking and writing.
i used to have this kind of teachers in canada. so i am totally fine and i love this style.
i learn so much and i can remember stuffs so much better in his class. i d never stopped taking notes.
i know lots of students chatting or dreaming or sleeping, but i do pay attention, i got reaction
with what he said. he just seat on chair most of the time. but it was fine for me.
then in Dr. Chan class.. Dr. Chan kept talking as well. need to think a lot as well.. need to pay attention
as well. coz he is very knowledagable and a very great teacher as well.
Dr. Chan said.. he does appreciate my concentration at class. he understood i have 3 classes on Mon
then Tue got morning class and after class. and i d never fell asleep while everyone did.
even when we watched demo video, ppl took nap or didnt really watch, i did and took notes.
i was the only one who did that. but then i know my tire and stress are all real... but i just concentrate.
he said i'm very good, coz i can concentrate very well in long time while others cant. he said i should
be glad and keep this special talent. while everyone complaint about that teacher is so boring
and the class is too tough, i survive with grace. i was happy. coz when i think of what he said..
then yea... he is true.. while everyone was not paying attention, i'm alwasy the one so attentive
all the time. i'm not the best scored always, but i keep a pretty high standard, and i try my best everytime.

i am happy.. but i'm not too proud. i am happy that actually teachers know how we are doing.
professor Casey is very intelligent and smart too. he knows who is listening who is not.
even only a small facial expression, he knows who did it and why. so i know he has realized that
i was always in his class. i'm happy not only coz of the compliments, i'm happy coz i know i have
been happily doing what i wanna do and i wanna make thigns great even it's just too tough..
i can always find ways to cope them right.

then... sometimes i dont mean to complain how tough things are going.. i am just glad that..
i'm lucky enough to have great ppl ard me, help me all the time.
so.. even if i sucess, i dont take things for granted. even if i fail and getting too tired too stressed,
i still can stand up and walk again.


Ade is going back to Singapore very soon... i used to call her cell phone in Van..
but then since she left.. i wont dail that number anymore.. and i would forget her number oneday.
when i go to Van again next year, i wont be able to see her again, i'm sure i would miss her lots.
then Cyn might be leaving as well. oh no.... i would miss them so much so much.
but i know i go there is not for friendship only, is more for Stephen and i.
so... the sadness is.. my close friends might be gone, but the more pity and upset is..
if Stephen is not there.
so... i dont know... kindda sad..

mom asked about Stephen... i told her that we are still fine. then she was happy. i think she knows
i m serious. and i think she knows i do love him. she reminds me about him sometimes.
so i know she wants to know how we are doing. and she was kindda funny.. once she was eating
chocolate, she asked... oh.. canada's chocolate is not bad.. hey do you think Stephen would send
you some in Christmas? haha.. i said i dont know. i know he's not very christmasy.
i like christmas so much... so.. i would still celebrate anyway.

hummm i am drinking more coffee these days, coz office have a coffee machine now.. so i can have
fresh brew coffee more easily. then work is quite busy and stressed. i'm lauching new courses,
then working on some doc stuffs and others.. ahhhhhh... and i have my students.

school work is heavy, really. and.. i'm doing okay... just................ need some more time.......

and.. i need him... i need my family and friends..

>>November 28, 2007 at 6:32:31 PM GMT+8

2007 年 11 月 25 日 星期日 【晴】

Happy Birthday to my sister, Leggy.


omg.. today is so crazy.

i actually worked on my assignme the whole day yesterday.
so far, i have been working on it for 15 hrs, still need tonz of work to do on it tonight,
i got a presentation tmr.

i slept shortly last night, then i came to the morning class.
i took lots of notes, and i did think of many issues in class,
then... at lunch time... i RAN to Central. i had an appointment with MAry this afternoon.
then it lasts for 30 mins, and i ran back to my afternoon class.
the thing is... the transportation took 1 hr to and fro.
so, i ran to school, then... took a coke and some cokkies eating in class while it just started.
not after long, Professor Mr. Casey just asked us to read that long report, ard 10 pages?
full pages of full content in mini-wordings. it's supposed to be more than 25 pages in normal front.
omg. and then we wrote anotehr report for this report.
i felt like it was an exam, doing lots of mind work and writing.i was so stressed.
the class dismiss, then i discussed with him about my assignment topic. it seems fine, and i m happy.
well, thanks honey Stephen, and.. yea i've already choosen a topic, should be a great one.

i rushed buying my "lunch" or dinner then came to school preparing for the later class, which is
starting in 15 mins from now. i wanna leave earlier tonight. it's tough enough for me today.
but i'm not sure if i should do this... sigh...

i called Shan just now... i just wanna cry telling her my long day today.. i didnt cry..
actually just wanna get some support.. omg.. it's really tough days.

i enjoy the little appointment with my counselor today. it was nice.

i miss Stephen so much. i think of him alot when i am free or when i have time resting.
i really miss him much.
i hope that i could talk with him soon.

>>November 26, 2007 at 7:24:20 PM GMT+8

2007 年 11 月 24 日 星期六 【晴】

hi.

happy birthday to Shan.

it's now 3 11 am in the morning. i'm going to sleep.
i might be just too bored or stressed to come here again. hummmmm... i think i could handel my paper,
only if i could have more free time. i still could finish it i guess, but just not as great as the one i could
make. no choices at all? i dont know. after 1 week and another week tire-ness, i'm really stressed
and tired. i was thinking i could leave office at 7 pm tonight, so i could relax a bit after work.
f*ck that.. nope... i was still working over time alone in the office, and i didnt have a full lunch break.
back home was fine.. but then.. my paretns are discussing on something about the housework.
i'm so stressed by all these, and mom complaints to me about her pains. i know that i'm supposed
to listen to them coz i'm their daughter. but i'm too stressed, and personally.. i couldnt handel such
things.. since young, i have been already worrying that someday my parents would just leave us,
as in.. passing away, and.. everytime i think of it i would cry. i'm so stressed now, and then mom's
health got problems, dad as well. and what can i do? when they talk about what they had been
doing when they were at my age, i was like... what the hell, you can compare me with anyone at
my age, and dont think that i'm so lazy sitting home doing nothing. dont think that what i have
accomplished now is easy. i'm not the top one in HK but i'm not that bad. if you were me, would you
stll be able to overcome so many things happened? i'm really living in a high stress life with so huge
demands from everywhere. do ppl actually give a thought on what i've been doing?
dont make stupid comments on me or the way i live. i am sure if i live alone, i would still survive. i'm
not like some great local students only sitting home doing housework and schoolwork. i get jobs to
do beside school, and what i have today is the reward with chances. dont talk to me as if i'm an idiot.
i dont spend money like other students with a couple of credit cards. look at the reality before lecturing me.

i have writen the outline and points i'm going into my paper, tmr i would need to draft it and edit it.
i know i'm really running out of time, but i'm so sleepy and stressed. i cant work over night.
see you Castor. RELAX even though you're stressed.

>>November 24, 2007 at 7:26:04 PM GMT+8

2007 年 11 月 23 日 星期五 【晴】

i was very very very angry when i left office.

the thing is.. i have been sooooo busy all day from 10 am till 7 30 pm.
i lost 15 mis break time, and beside that 45 mins eating time, i have been so busy with
different things. it's like oh my god, everything is just urgent, and irretating.
the inquries are like so irretating, why ppl keep calling asking minor things? well.. i dont blame that,
but i was just too busy to handel the situations.

i have been on time working recently, not really being late.
this morning, i was handeling the parents and students, tidying up the store room, and then making
coffee. we got a coffee machine now, nice. so i could have fresh brew coffee anytime.
Ella left me something to follow up, then give me some resumes of teachers, asked me to arrange
interviews. well, i didnt have much time in the morning, so i wait and do whatever urgent at the moments.
many students pay, and lots of parents wanna talk with me. and then inquries with dumb questions,
i have been very professional dealing with them. it was fine and nice actually. then..
lunch time was gone so fast, 45 mins only. then back to here, i called the teachers to arrange interviews,
it was actually a bit difficult, so i just asked the aval. time first. then i pass to Ella, and see if she wants
any special arrangement. then she said i could just arrange for her ard her schedule. so it was like
what i expected and i kept working on it. it was hard actually, coz busy ppl with our strange
schedule, on the busiest day, it was actually hard for me to squeeze extra time and thinking to work
on this. whatever, i do what i need to do, have been organizing things for diff ppl. never be free to rest.
after taking care of the student's record, present or abs or late, then called those who havent shown
up, then arrange make up class, then marked and record then report to the teachers. then helping
making coppies or notes for the teachers as well.. then handel the tution fee that students pay..
and also need to answer inquries, usually quite alot walk-in. then.. have to remind the students diff
things, then some parents would ask "me" how the kids doing. then i need to get the information for
them and keep talking with them, not only listening, actually need to report to the teachers, and
discuss with them what we are gonna do with the kids and the parents. and from that on, i would need
to keep my eyes on that students. i dont think i'm a receptionist !

then i had an interview with a PTH teacher for an hour. this would be a new big subject, so...
i really pay my time and attention to any possiblities to work the best. Ella just pass the whole stuff
to me.. so... sigh.. i dont know. so then after, i had lots to catch up actually, just made lots of calls to
different paretns to let them know about the news. and then i had prepared a letter to promote
this course. and then.. i am also working on some new lefalet design. now, Ella asked me to do
something, some new design for the "recycling bags", so later, our students would have the
"school bag" with our logo on. and then actually updating new leaflet got lots to do, coz we are also
updating new information for the course. i am just basically really busy with all these stuffs.
for my students, even though are only three classes, i take time to sit and think for them as well. i dont write
lesson plan anymore, coz i basically dont have any time for that, everything is just in my mind.
and sometimes it's like... i got limited budget, i mean like.. for eveything in the office... so... i couldnt
promise to the ppl that they could have what i think they deserve, no matter for teachers or students.
and of course some teachers dont deserve anything at all. i'm always the middle person transfering
information, and problems go to my side. it's very stressful sometimes when ppl reflect to me and i
realize what they need and deserve, but i can do nothing much, except keep working on things for
them, try and try for them, but then it is kindda against to company's income. you know?
it's like... i want the best interest of the parents and students or teachers, but i also want the best
benefits for the company. i'm in the middle when conflicts come.

well i think i could always improve my skills and i know i have been improving alot.
i worked on my own classes material last night for Prince Edward center.
Edgar replied my e-mail, we got phone conversation before, i kept my position and i didnt really
step back from there. i kept clearifying the "grey points" that he was trying to fool me.
so, here we are at the point that we both know very clear that i am not doing what i dont want to do.
if you could fix the schedule, then we would have new students and courses. if you work well
on the course, then i would know what i can do next, and dont push the problems to me, coz it is
not my problems. it's very politic, coz he is just a smart business person, kind of cunning. the fact is..
i am already offering what i can give the best actually. and he knows it very well, coz i'm taking over
his crappy "leftover". the only reason why i do that coz i treat those students as my students as well,
and it's more like the volunteer work. i care about what they can get wether than what Edgar gaining
from them. it was so nasty. but i clearify that since one of the two have already done with that
crappy fee, it should be one student left. if he cannot change those two into my new programe, pay me what
we have compromised before, i dont think i could work with this class for long. it was a political
talk, as in everything is not too obvious yet clear. i could do it but i just dislike it. it's very faked.
then... yea.. in the e-mail, he just said i am more mature than before when i was working under him
for adminstration work. i was thinking... of course.

some new students joint courses, so i was prepaging different things for them, then...
i was so busy matching time for the interviews, and then i had to write them e-mails, confirmations.
it takes so long, and it is hard for me on Sat this busy day. then i still need to write down thigns
for Shan.. so that she would know what's going on and what would be happening in the coming week.
then i was so damn busy, and Ella left. i was still working in the office after 7 pm.
shit, when she left, she told me the time for the interviews are not as perfect, coz she doesnt
wanna come earlier then the normal schedule she need to. i was like "wth"? it's like.. it's all the
perfect time i come up wit hthe teachers after all the conversations again and again today in the
diff critical time ! you know how difficult to match you and other teachers, and then i need to discuss
with the ppl as well. it's not only about you want it or not. it's so stupid ! it was all organized well
and nicely and now you tell me you dont like it coz you have to come 1 or 2 hrs earlier. well, it could be much
nastier if i dont try to fight the time for you with the diff teachers ! i was so mad when she left.
so stupid. so i told her i could double check again. and after checking, i'm sorry i just couldnt change it
actually. she wanted me to pass it to Shan if i am busy, no way ! i was thinking. how can i do that?
and then it's really disorganized and very very stupid to just confirm with the teachers about the
interview and hcange it in anotehr 30 mins! it's super dumb! it's not about if i m realling to try, it's about
HAVE YOU USED YOUR BRAIN TO THINK ?!

i was so mad..

i will work on my paper for PSY 201 Adjustment tonight. i got some nice ideas already. i think i can
start writing to night. and i 'm really running out of time.

then for Critical Thinking, thanks honey.. he got me think of something. he reminded me something..
then i'm working on the researching now.. i have been searching useful information though..
hope that all can help. i miss him.. he seems busy and very tired. i was happy chatting with him this
morning.. but.. after all those things... i find today is really long enough.

>>November 24, 2007 at 3:43:27 PM GMT+8

2007 年 11 月 22 日 星期四 【晴】

hello. morning.

yesterday, Winnie didnt come. so i only have Alex and Jonathan.
they were fine. Alex is naughty, Jonathan is good.
but it's okay.

anyway... office just got lots of things to do. hummm and i'm lazy.
actually i'm thinking of my paper all the time, besides eating or sleeping or watching tv. haha.
then... i still havent started, i feel stress, coz it's due to Tue. and i dont have enough time.

the good thing is.. i give myself enough sleep, i sleep for 8.5 hrs/day now.
and when i wake up, i'm satisfied =) i think my sleeping is more worthy then to try hard doing work at night.
i would be super tired the next day, and when it becomes a routine, i would be stressed up
much more easily, more easily irretated. i'm happy =)

but when i think of... my paper.. i got headache, coz i have tonz to do at office, but then... i really need
time to sit down and draft my paper. hummmmmm... very low motivation.

i'm thinking of Stephen. he told me he's okay, but tired. he's not always on line now actually. of course
i want him to rest more too. but i m just missing him when he's not here.

i watch tv at night now.. very exciting series on TVB. omg.. i felt so bad for Jing Jing's death,
then JongLun is really crazy now chasing on Arean. it's very extreme and dramatic. then TVB Peral,
i like Desperate Houewife. i think the tv series 's not truly reflecting the reallife, but somehow it's very
interesting, ironic. it could draw us to think about ourselves. hummm or entertain us haha.

i think i should get back to work now.

>>November 23, 2007 at 4:03:49 AM GMT+8

2007 年 11 月 21 日 星期三 【晴】

hi.

it's been long to be back here.

i have been very busy at my school work.
two mid term have done, one more coming in two weeks.
but then, one paper due to next week, and one more paper due to that mid term week,
then one more paper due to the week after the mid term week. so.. basically...
i dont have time. and i've expected that i wouldnt be able to keep those A grades.
my exams were okay. the first exam should be better then the sec one. i wrote lots and lots..
given lots of examples, full of the answer book. but for the sec exam, i really didnt prepare much..
then.. i have lost a few points, i just couldnt remember them. so.. i guess... it wasnt really nice.
but i dont care since it's done already. i wanna work on the coming paper and final exams.

i'm thinking of the paper, and i have no ideas what specific area i'm going to write.
i got the main topic, but... dont know what content i should include. two paper are fine..
coz.. i have sorts of information and ideas. but the Critical Thinking paper is.. really clue less.

then... yesterday, i was back to work. after two busy weeks, i just wanna rest.
i didnt bring any school work to the office. but i was lookging for news and articles on line haha.
then... yea... have been discussing with mom and some friends about the HPV Vaccine.
coz the thing is... i have been too busy, and mom kept talking to me about that and then i igored all
the long conversation on this. i got chatted with friends at school. but then... i heard no side effects,
so i thought it was pretty safe. then the HK Gov is now promoting it very hard and i read the Gov
sites from the States and HK as well.. it sounds pretty nice and safe, even for me is fine.
but then... yea.. i chatted with Stephen, and i was kind of shock. i didnt know anyone dead about
the Vaccine. it was like 3 girls dead in 3 hrs after vaccinated. then 8 more deaths found related to
this vaccine. so.. what Stephen said was right. it's not the point i have doubted on what he said, but
i just didnt know those news. i back home telling mom and my sisters about the side effects.
then they were kind of shocked too. hummmmmmm =S sooooo... now, i think i dont really want that
vaccine, especially my body is so sensitive, and i m sorts of not feeling well easily.

anyway... yesterday i had class with Alex. hahaha... it was fine, really. i m happy.
the thing is... i notice he has changed a bit after all the talk last time. and then... yesterday, i just talk
with him again. i actually let him understand that i accept his naughty behavior in the class, because
it is him, just what Alex is. yes, we can play and be naughty when we are playing, but then if it is
the studying time or home work time, then we should work hard, that's a good boy. then he was so
happy asking me if he could be naughty sometimes. i said yes, and he should work hard too when we
are not playing. he accepted happily. i guess... he was afraid that he couldnt play anymore when i
didnt let him playing. even though i have told him what he should do and shouldnt, he didnt want to
listen to me, coz he felt insecure to be himself, he was against me. but he is a kind boy, he felt guilty
and conflicts against me, so he cried. hummm anyway, now i think i understand more, it's good for
him. maybe it was not about the concentration problem, it's about the free time he wants and it has
been ignored by me. hummmm.. then, one more studnet is joining the class, they could have more fun =)

these days, i was on Facebook quite often when i am free at the computer lab or at work.
i found some professional groups, well not really that professional but by some high qualificated ppl.
some are doing their Doctoral degree. well all i m refering is about Child Development. so, i joint and
read their discussion there and other stuffs, their studies or surveys. it was okay... when i explore
them, i hope i could have more ideas or create some new topics for my coming special project.
the ppl there are usually experienced or working in the field. so... hummm i wanna have more
sources from them someday if i'm in needed. and i think it's nice to create the network with the ppl
who are also really passionate on the same thing. it's not only one way i need help from them, but
maybe oneday i could help too.

and then yea... i wanna have fun with my friends, not only in school... i mean... i wanna meet my
friends for dinner or for a drink sometimes. i have been busy for 2 weeks not having a break to go out.
in school, hummmm it's more okay now. my classmates and i always have lunch or break time together.
then after school, we have facebooking each others, it's kindda okay now. then i wannna have dinner
with my old friendsssssss...

Christmas is just coming in 1 month, office is getting decorated, heehee. i like it.
then, i wanna have some family time and some friend gathering time. i miss the time with them.
and Cap is coming back in Christmas, then... some friends from Singapore are coming too..
but i would have my final exams ard that time, so... ahhhhhhh... =( dont know what i can do.
but i knwo it would be fine =)
i miss Stephen. i hope i could have Christmas with him. i love him.

then... i have taught 2 lessons in Prince Edward, with that crappy pay. i dont knwo how many lessons
left. i think i'm just doing volunteer work there, but it's fine if i'm so free. but i am not free. if i have time,
i would definitely prefer going home or meeting friends after school. sigh.

next week, i would go back to see my counselor, i hope to see her, and.. i'm doing better now i hope.
hummmmm =)

thanks for all the ppl who have been loving me.

>>November 22, 2007 at 4:21:10 AM GMT+8

2007 年 11 月 18 日 星期日 【晴】

alright.

now it's 3 26am, on 19th.
i'm going to bed.

i couldnt really concentrate on my study.. hummm i rest a lot today.. guess i have been too tired and
stressed. hummm ... i have done part of my revision.. but.... i wonder how much i would be able to
remember for tomorrow exam at night. hummm i'm worried actually but... trying to think about... or....
actually i try not to panic. then... tomorrow got morning class with professor Casey, or James.
i feel pressure in this class, coz he is very strict. and it requires lots of thinking process and writing,
also discussion.. so.... yeaaaaa... hope it would be fine tomorrow.

thanks Alesja. it was nice chatting with her just now.. and i hope i could chat with Stephen tmr,
it's too late now, 3 30am.. hummm it makes me a bit more relax while i could chat a bit with him before
my exam. coz... i dont know why... it's just the magic. i'm happy if i can chat with my close friends too.
but just yea... its kindda like... reducing stress. it gives me support and warmth. and it really helps.
i know if i wanna do great in my exam, i have to study hard. but it's also like if i could have a hot
dark chocolate while walking on street in winter, i would be so delight and warm. i'm sure i wont be
able to be perfect or get 90% in my exam, so... if i have already tried my best and i could really
experience what an exam means in my study or enjoy the process of learning, then it would be my
pleasure. it's eas to say, hard to do man. so.. still welcome, if anyone can buy me a coffee or hot dak chocolate.
i do appreciate that little concern or support. and of course it would be great to have mashmallow.
hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.......... but most important is not about how tasty the drink is, it's about ppl.

hummm Castor... try your best... no matter what... stay calm and just try your best. it doesnt matter if
you could get the grade A, it's just fine as long as you have tried really hard for yourself. it's not a
competition game, but you gotta put your effort in it to see if you could do better and better.
dont panic please...

there are few health issues my family disucssing on recently.. it's bothering me if i should have
those injections. omg. i cant have those, i know why but they dont.

>>November 18, 2007 at 7:43:54 PM GMT+8

2007 年 11 月 17 日 星期六 【晴】

yay... finally i have time to be here again!
hummm not at night, coz here is closed at night.

hummmmmmm life is ok ok la. just very busy at work, so i gnored my study.
my exams just make me so stressed.. but then.... yea i got tonz to do at work as well.
recently, i just organized all the books there. we have too many books are at the wrong place.
the shelf is super messy. so... we just put them into different catagories and lable them.
not only books, toys as well.. so i did lots of organizing work. and i have class with Alex and Winnie.
Ales was fine. i kept trying to explain to him that i could see him trying to be good, and i am happy and
i appreciate him. and i told him it's not necessary to be perfect, but he could improve a bit everyday.
that's a good boy. i make a plan with him, we play for awhile, then do works, and rest for awhile,
and we do revision, and have snack and rest. he said okay. so... while we do work, he concentrates.
then.... Winnie was fine too. she improves a lot. i'm so happy =)
then next week, Jonathan would join Alex's class. two P2 boys... i would make some competition
for them to see what abilities they are good at. i know Jonathan wanna focus on more revision.
for Alex, i prefer giving him more challenges besides revision. Alex is smart. Jonathan.. i need some
time to see.

i have two mid terms on Mon and Tue. i gotta study for that tody.. and i'm thinking if there are any class
assignment i havent done for tomorrow. i'm very stressed, but yea.. i try to relax myself. and i would
try my really best tonight. i am happy =)

Ade is leaving Van at the end of Nov.. Cyn might leave in Dec... hummmm i hope Cyn would find a job
so she could do her CA in Van. then... Alesja is fine, i'm happy. Shan just had her grad ceremony.
i bought her a card and gift, haha i put them on the desk in office. so tmr, when she got to the office,
she would find the gift s on desk waiting for her!! =) i hope she likes this little suprise.

i chatted with Stephen. i'm so happy that the program finally works ! i'm so proud of him actually.
but i was rushing to the class, and he was away, then we didnt have chance to talk more.
and then... yea.. i really miss him. i dreamt of him. i hope to see him soon. really.

i had some nightmares... terrible. coz.... i guess mom's situation worries me. hummmm she is now fine,
but she gotta go back for another check in 3 months.

ok.. i m going out for lunch then back home i gotta study.
good luck Castor.

i realize how much i love my family, my home, my friends and my Stephen, and myself.
i find myself very stressed, but i'm happy.

>>November 18, 2007 at 4:55:14 AM GMT+8

2007 年 11 月 14 日 星期三 【晴】

it's very strange of here.
at night, i couldnt get to this writting page even though i could sign in.
so it's been a week not adding new entry.

sigh...
it was a very tough week for me. not only one week i guess.. ard 10 days already..
have been very busy everyday. i felt really really stressed.
my time my schedule is very tight, i couldnt breath.
the classes were fine, but then... yea... school just starts, but i have already taken 11 lessons.
and then on weekend as well. i didnt have my holiday. i didnt get a chance to relax. coz... for the
school day i have classes and besides, i got otehr stuffs to do. for the work day, i work and i have
tried to improve myself, prepare more for my students and the adminstration work.
at home... i just got some bad news from mom two days ago. i'm worried for her.. really.

i'm running out of time, coz... i would have two mid term exams on Mon and Tue..
then, i would have two assignment paper due to the next week. then... much more are coming,
one after one, in the coming weeks till the whole semster done. then i need to think about my
special project or internship. sigh.

i saw my counselor on Tue after class.. then i have a class to teach in Prince Edward after the
appointment in Central. i was so damn tired..

Mary, my counselor...... i dont know.. we have talk alot... and... there is something i need to figure out
in two weeks.

at school, there are so many group discussion,... sometimes i dont feel comfortable to disclose too
much personal issues to them, coz... i think... it's... hard for them to understand me.. and i dont know
what they would think about me. they are fine and nice, but just i m not very comfortable sharing..
there are lots of personal experience that related to the topics we cover in class.. but... no...
i dont want them know too much. sometimes i dont even find them like friends. it might be my problem,
i'm just so scared. i'm leaving the school soon, one more term only.. then i would leave.. and then...
i m not secure to share... i dont mind answering questions, i dont mind chatting or socializing or..
just being friendly and nice. i dont mind. but... when it comes to discussion which involves experience
and thoughts, i find myself wanna pull back a bit.

anyway....... i m very stressed coz.. everything just come together and i'm kindda... scared.
then yea... in class, we did an assesment about stress level. i got 438. i was in the major scoring.
it's a social readjustment rating scale by Thomas H. Holmes and Richard H. Rahe, 1967.
i was very shocked, coz.. i used to tell myself that i'm happier than before, i love myself more now.
and yes it's true.. but then... in my past 12 months, life events really changed so much and those
really affected me, as in the mental health, so that's why i have them on my scale and my score is
that high. reaching Moderate level was 200-299. reaching Major was 300. and i got 438.
and that makes me realize the reasons why i'm so stressed again.

Alex mom talks with me yesterday... i'm trying to find ways to ... do better lessons with him.
Alex has some difficulties to concentrate. it's very normal to kids but... he's like a baby more like a
primary 2 boy. so... it concerns me.. and then his mom wanna talk with me, and i was talking with her
for a long time yesterday. i hope it helps her a bit. and then.. yea.. i know what's going on so.. i wanna
do something. i wanna let Alex know that... we are with him to change something.

so yea.........
i'm pretty stressed... i'm not very happy but i need to adjust to it.. as in.... think more possitively..
i just... cant breath.

i try to discuss my issues with Stephen.. but then... he is also very busy and stressed..
so...... i dont know what to do. i called Ade yesterday, we chatted on phone for long.. i felt much
better... i know... stress or unhappiness are usually caused by the enviornment, and usually friends
or family couldnt help much to change the enviornment. but... what i want is just... someone to really
listen to me, not... just say yes or no or ok. i dont need ppl to do anything for me, but just..... really
listen to what i have to say... to let me know that.. you really understand me and care about me.
i just need a little time... i m not asking much...

then it also remind me about Benny. i got his damn reply. he scolded back, and he said this and that..
he balmed me putting all the fault on him. i was very upset, but i dont wanna care about him anymore.
is it really that hard to understand me? or is it like.. if i'm too kind to ppl, then they would just take me
for granted, or take advantages on me? why thigns have to happen in these ways. it's hurting me.

>>November 15, 2007 at 4:15:07 AM GMT+8

2007 年 11 月 8 日 星期四 【晴】

hihi

hummmm here Showhappy. net got some problems... they wrote the notice that everyone who have
been here for long might lose their acct if we are not VIP. i was shocked. i e-mailed them..
but anyway, i would join the VIP soon.

then yea...
yesterday, i got a busy day. have class with Alex. he was so naughty. i was sp tired.
Winnie didnt come.. nevermind... but Alex.. i dont know.. i m very tired. it's like i always need to...
dont know.
i was always away from the desk though... doing this, doing that..


i got the call from Edgar. omg... the class was bad. bad at timing, bad at pay.
but yea,. if i wanna start teacing, i should consider that offer. it's not about the deal we have talk,
but it's the students from the old classes, so.. there is some transition period.
as i said before, i really couldnt trust Edgar, and i couldnt trust Rami. lucky that i didnt really sign
the agreement or proceede the liscens. if Rami is willing to take one class for me, what he is supposed
to do, then i dont have to go to Prince Edward on Tuesday NIGHT. i dont understand Rami..
is that coz of about Stephen and i? i made this silly assumption coz of our last few conversations.
well, maybe i just think too much. anyway, he is not a good partner in our situation.

Eallery came yesterday. hummm as same as before, liked to chat, he is just talkative. he has class.
then... before i get off ard 8 pm, he came back waiting for Ella and Richard. then.. so funny...
two guys were hiding up from May. i was the spy telling them where to hide. May met Ella.
sigh. Eallery said i'm so clever, smart. i said of course. this guys is so flirtous. they way he speaks
and act is lke a play boy, a big kid. i helped coz i dont want May coming and seeing them then got nuts.
i wanna help Ella to stop them meeting. they might fight in the office and scare ppl off. then...
Ella asked me staying with Eallery for awhile when she and Richard went to see MAy. i refused.
i saw him kindda feeling bad, but i dont wanna get involved. i smiled and said i need to rush home.
if he's not May ex husband, i wouldnt mind, or say if May was not soooooo crazy, i wouldnt mind,
but.. it's really complicated between them, the best is to stay out from troubles with this flirtous guy.

then yea... got chatting with Stephen. we have talk a lot.
i hope he is fine. i miss him.

then... yea, i'm actually in the office right now...
i should get back to work or my study.


be right back.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


now is 3 54 am.
i couldnt sleep.


hummm today at work was okay.. just too busy... i didnt really go out for lunch..
some studnet came in then i need to help them.. then i have missed my time.
but yea.. the computer guy came soon so.. i just rushed to get some sushi back to the office and eat.
he came while i was eating.. then yea.. have been busy right after.
got lots of work.. busy busy Friday as usual.

then... hummmm got a vistor... Ellery. i finally remember how to spell his name.
well well well.... "Hey Sexy"... he said, so what was i supposed to do?
i usually smile and welcome ppl coming in, i say hi or hello.. but for him.. erhhhh...
i said the same. but it reminded me Ella's joke. hahahaha... i rmeember last time at that place ,
that south american wishpered the same.. and i told Ella.. then Ella asked did i " Hey Sexy Back"
hahaha.. i m not Justin Timberlake. haha.. then yea... i saw a new freaky person today..
the guy was sitting outside our center. he was always looking inside. i was sitting at the door
coz the computer guy was setting up the computer at my desk. that freaky person was looking at us.
so i guess.. maybe he was curious about our center only. so i didnt care. i glanced at him sometimes,
coz i wanna make sure what i've felt was right. then.. i got back to my desk after that guy left..
it was like an hr.. then that guy came to the door and standing at my poster place. i glanced at him,
i thought he was looking at our poster stand. but hten i saw him looking at me. so i pretended working.
then i glanced at him again.. and he was looking at me. i was a bit scared.. he stayed there for a few
mins then eventually left.. i think i have seen him before, but he didnt really come close to our center.
it's kindda scary sometimes, coz... i live in Tai Po, and.. now i'm just more careful.. coz i am afraid ..
if some guys are really crazy, they might stalk, then yea.. it's dangerous.
and the strange thing is.. i am always attracted to those weird ppl.. the last time, i was stalked by
a guy, he followed me home and it was late. it was lucky that mom called me, and it scared him.
he came talking with me and asking me to have a drink with him. that's crazy. and it was in Sep or Oct.
so crazy.


Ellery was funny. he asked me if MAy has told me any bad things about him.. well.. i siad of course she
did, who wouldnt, right? (well... i dont wanna lie but i cant say yes May gossiped to me.) then he said
yea but he didnt do that to ppl. he thinks it's not good. i know i know. i said. then yea.. he told me..
Whatever May told me, dont listen to her. i told him May is fine. she is happier than before..
what i really mean is ( May is fine now, and she is happier means there is comparisions between the
present and the past.) he asked me what May said.. i didnt tell him, i just said just her new life and her
happiness. (heehee.. i dont tell secrets easily =P)
then yea.. he said.. no matter how May said, dont listen, dont believe her.. well i think..
no matter what, it doesnt matter that much to me anyway. if you're trying to hit on me, i could get your
mesg, but i'm not the type of girl you would like. i dont mind being friendly or making frineds.. but...
it's really complicated between May and him... and he's Ella's brother.. i think it's just too complicated.
with ellery, we could only be... "normal frineds" or co-workers, having fun in the office, helping
each otehrs.. frienship is fine.. but no more than that. especially, he knows i have Stephen.
well maybe i'm thinking too much... but from what Ella told me before about his brother..
i find something weird and... i m fine to see what he would do next.


anyway... back home resting.. watching a great movie called " Stuck on You." onld but nice,
i like the story =) brother story.

then... yea............. came on line late.. and i saw BEnny's reply.
i was shocked and sad reading his reply. it's like.. i was blaming the wrong person.. i was the bad
in the relationship. i was selfish this and that.. yea i felt really bad.. really.. but then....
i talked with Stephen and Alesja.. hummmm i think i hsould apologize to Benny, but... i dont know.
i doubt that Benny really meant what he said on his reply. coz there re something dont make sense...
i found them after calming down. i wanted to hug Stephen and cried.. but in the end i didnt cry.
i was feeling bad and i was shocked. but it was okay..... i dont know what to do next..
probably just wait for a few days. well... it's still shocking me. and... i guess some of my good
friends have recieved the same mesg from him. Shan told me Benny added her..
i dont know. and .. i dont like him anyway. i dont knwo if i should trust what he said.
but since i have go the truth finally, even though it's really too late, i still got it ended by myself.
hummm just... something is really unexpected... but okay.

ok.. i m going ot sleep..
i would have MU class tomorrow afternoon till evening, then i might need to go back to that place
to get the serial number for the software.

>>November 9, 2007 at 8:22:47 PM GMT+8