2007 年 7 月 25 日 星期三 【晴】

omg..
i couldnt believe that i cried so suddenly last night in bed.
then i just got up, went on line again.
then saw Alesja on line... chated a bit with her, then.... i went back to bed with my heavy eyes.
i cried so much... it was so pain in my heart.


i woke up this morning, prepared to work.
i didnt dare to be late. i was early arrived.
then had been working... then ard lunch time got on line..
i cahtted with Cynthia.. hummm talk with her about something...
hummm yea... i was... kindda sad. but it was ok.

then i met mom and Leggy for lunch. i told them i m very tired..
mom said yea, i noticed that when i saw you just now..
omg.. my face doesnt know how to lie.

hummm back to office, doing some work, some designs, some same dialy routine,
then shopping for stationary... and working on the design and same thing.

back home resting, a shower, dinner, fruit and TV, "Ugly Betty".
it was so so great =) i like Betty. Yay Betty !
and Daniel Ming is not bad actually hummmm.

okay..
Ata still looks for me. i just explaint once again to him.
Emre and i got back in contact.
i kindda miss Emre though. i'm glad that he's fine with his girl.
he talked to me today. hummmm it was warm to talk with him. yea, thank him 1 month ago.
he was there for me, with me over night studying for my final. he's very sweet.
i didnt really care about his concerns and care, coz i was too upset. then now i think of his
silliness and always try to make me happy. he's just sweet. and he didnt forget me eventhough
he has a better girlfriend now. he still talks to me and cheer me up =) isnt he sweet? yes he is.
anyway, good luck to him ;)


sometimes i wonder... what life ahead... how long till my hunger is fed..
they say it's hard ot make it in this part of town. so many ppl on this merry go round.
some folks try astrology, some turns to chrsital ball, to find an answer and get through it all,
i just fall on my knees and i try to pray.
in the siclence i can hear him say. coz the river runs, and the river hides, out the the ocean and
under the sky. i promise you the answer will come... just hold on to patient, just watch for the sign,
everything in its time...
often feels like i'm two steps behind, must have moved finsih line, there's a thousand reasons,
why i should give up. but i'm stubbon in the things i believe in... coz the river runs, and the river
hides, out the the ocean and under the sky. i promise you the answer will come. just hold on to
patient just watch for the sign, everything in its time. everything in its time.

i cired. but i would be fine.
無論於什麼角落 不假設你或會在旁.

and i hope Evie would never contacted my frineds or me anymore..

>>July 26, 2007 at 4:02:19 PM GMT+8

2007 年 7 月 24 日 星期二 【晴】

原來我非不快樂 只我一人未發覺 如能忘掉渴望 歲月長 衣裳薄
無論於什麼角落 不假設你或會在旁.

today, i had a suprise day off.
i took a sick leave.

well, i rested at home, prepared the doc for SFAA and the registion for my next term.
some book ordering and stuffs, yea.. i went to dad's office today.. cool in TST.
it was quite bright outside. it's been sunny but i didnt have time to enjoy.
so today i just took the pretty long walk, enjoying the sun and the ppl passing by.
i had the ice tea and my reading time at Starbucks. the book is fun.
then yea... i actually went to Esprit edc... pretty lovely clothese launched.
i love the babydoll style. it's so sweet and sexy.
after faxing the doc and visiting dad at her office, i walked from TST to Yau Ma Tei..
yea, i went to my old school place there.
it's nice, coz it's been.... more than 1 year i didnt go there. i just waked.. pretty long walk..
then.. i used ot go to that store/ tuck shop down stair.. but i just found that s closed already..
hummm it used to be ... my fav store around there.

anyway... i got my transcript back from OIIE, but still need a from Utah State..
AHHHHHHH... i hate dealing with these...

i saw so many many western ppl today. really alot. i wonder nowaday we have so many wester
ppl in HK here. hummmmmm HK summer is lovely hot huh. haha.

anyway, Ella is gonna kill me. coz i get absent today again.. hummmmm
i dont know..
i need the rest, there re so many so many things on my mind now.
i know it's my own problem, and i shouldnt affect my performace at work.
but then i should say... i'm just human being. and i have my limited i gotta admit.
and that's also why i plan to quit and then start another business, coz... i just shouldnt force myself
to handel such things over time. it's just so exhausting between work and study.
i should leave myself time in stead. so... yea... maybe my leave is better than stay.
coz.. Ella could have the better assistence.

i watched the movie on my lap today.. not the whole movie but pretty close to the ending.
it's "The Devil Wears Prada".
i like that girl. she's smart and intellegent, and then she has a great heart and dream..
somehow after her fighting process, she seems changed.
i dont knwo if it's good for her or not. her changes bring her better development at her career path.
i wonder if she has fogotten her dream is not about Fashion but Writing.
but then she just learnt so much from her fashion job now. isnt it ironic?
and then... since her performance got rised, her relationship problems blow.
i dont knwowhat that guy feels. i m so sorry for him, and i m thinking if she would be with that hot guy.

then i had dinner and fruit, and watched "24". it was nice =)

tmr i would be back to the office, dealing with the daily little busy stuffs, hummmm...
then i need to work on the business card design, and the new flyer design, and some notices..
humm yea... it's not about i hate my job or what.. just i couldnt afford that kind of exhaustion and stress.
it's so tiring without rest or relaxation. i really want my life, not just stay alive.
i want the real feelings and meanings in my life, not just study for the result and working for the money.
i got challenges everyday, i m not complaning. it's just the fact that if i dont work hard, then i would get
nothing. if i want something, then i have to fight for it. i want things done by my hands, not by others.
today i relax myself... it's good.

actually..
a few days ago, i got a big fight with Ata.
i really dont want him being so obsessive to me. i hate the affection when i dont get the chemistry.
he threathen me that he would die if i block him. i found him very great heart, but i m not attracted.
i like him as my friend, but not more than that. he sees me as his angle, but i see him as someone i dont
really care. i dont like the feelings of un-equal. i told him i feel very very uncomfortable with his
attitude and stuffs... then i said we couldnt get along. then.. he was agressive to me, and i said...
i would want to block him somehow. then he threathen me he would kill himself if i ever blocked him.
then i told him straight away whatever. of course i would be sad for 1 or 2 days, but after that
i would be fine again. coz i dont care. and i told him i hate ppl threathening me. it wont work.
and now, he still talking about that. and i m very very cold like the heart less bitch to him.
i dont scold or insult him. i actually respect him, and being very assertive telling him what i think and feel
and we would never be together. i do appreciate him but i m not attracted to him i dont know why.
it's just the fact.


yea...
i talked with Capella yesterday,... i called her...
and then.. i knew Evie contacted Cynthia through Friendster. i was so pissed off.
i dont understand, it's been months, and she still does such things to check on me.
she still keep contacting my friends ??? not only Cynthia she had contacted, she also contacted
Jeanline. omg... i really stepped out from that, i d never stepped in, even though we had conversation
face to face before, in Vancouver. but after that, after that night she left the house, i only replied her
once on friendster which Stephen knew about. i thought everything was okay. and.. now..
she contacked my frineds. omg. whats going on now? cant just give me a break?
oh yea, give me a break, but not my friends ? STOP IT !!!!

hummmm...
i start taking time on my relationship stuffs. i think if something meant to be, it would be.
everything happens with a reason. so... yea.. and even just one message, it's contextual,
and could be more than words. anyway the communication is broken down already.
the love remains, sometimes it works sometimes doesnt. and i think i m not trying to firgue out
what is going on or whatever important now. coz.. i guess when the focus is changed,
the direction is changed in our mind as well. i dont want it ends, but maybe it s dead long ago,
only i have been trying to deny it. i really dont want to give up.
but there are so many types of message. sometimes we dont speak, that counts one.
how do you percieve it... might not be the same way i do... in a way saying...
i should be smart rather than innocent. coz my innocent is usually granted.
i still have a great heart, but seems like this great heart should move on after letting go.
if i m not welcomed, why should i appear?
i still miss him, but maybe... maybe....
there's just too many maybe.
give yourslef a break Castor. you dont have to be a chasing cat.

an attractive girl is not like that. she shines wherever she goes.
she has hard time, she cries, but she would stand up again. she needs her guy but not in every moment.
she could be independent still loving and caring. she enjoys and love her relationship and respect her
man. she cherrishes everything and everymoment with him, but she also understands that
everyone has his personal world bare in his mind. she works hard in a relationship and so she speaks
up. should not be yelling or complaining, coz they wont work. anyway... what is love ?
it's in your heart and your mind.

some guyss love me, but i dont love them.
i love some guy, but it looks like a pause to me. am i welcomed or un-welcomed?
so, what's my choice and where i stand?
i got the answer in my heart.

i just wannt thank my family, coz.. they love me so much...
the love is just so warm... and i know i would never got this kind of love from anywhere.
the love from friends is another kind of love.. there's just so much love around me..
i'm so loved and adored.. i am so so so lucky.

>>July 25, 2007 at 4:54:23 PM GMT+8

2007 年 7 月 23 日 星期一 【晴】

WOW!

i m finally back to here!!!
i LOVE HERE!
OMG.


i have so much so much so much to write here...
but i m so exhausted. i need to sleep now..
*yawning..

good night Castor...
see ya tmr...

thanks God, this site is finally fixed..
=)

>>July 24, 2007 at 6:07:18 PM GMT+8

2007 年 7 月 17 日 星期二 【晴】

hummmm

busy as usual.
stressed and tired.
my sickness is coming back again. not very serious, just coughing more often,
and headache.
omg.. i'm so worried for the assignment and exam.

i started doing the research today.
you know what, a good essay need time to preapre and write and edit.
i m not very good at writting good essay, so it really takes me time to do a good one.
i'm so worried. and i need to work, and i'm so damn tired every day back home.
i need to get this paper done by Sat. and i would ahve an exam on Sun.
AHHHHHHH !!!!!! help....

fuck. i'm so exhausted.

and now, i hope someone could make me some hot tea, or give me some massage.
just 5 mins would be great enough.
and all these make me think of him.
does he miss me too?

>>July 18, 2007 at 3:16:57 PM GMT+8

2007 年 7 月 17 日 星期二 【晴】

Firstly, share something here. it's form Karen. Thanks Karen.
1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.
我愛你不是因為你是誰，而是我在你面前可以是誰。

2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.
沒有男人或女人是值得你為他流眼淚，值得的那一位，不會要你哭。

3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
那人不是你所想般愛你，但不代表那人不是全心全意地愛你。

4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
一個真正的朋友是向著你伸手，觸動你心靈的人。

5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.
掛念一個人最差的方式，就是你坐在他身旁，而知道你不能擁有他。

6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
就算你不快樂也不要皺眉，因為你永不知道誰會愛上你的笑容。

7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
在世界裡你可能只是某人，但對某人你可能是全世界。

8. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.
不要花時間在一個不會花時間在你身上的人。

9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.
可能神要我們在遇到那位對的人之前先遇上一些錯的人，讓我們遇到那位對先生/對小 姐時懂得珍惜。

10. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.
不要因為完結而哭，要為曾經發生而微笑。

11. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.
這個世界永遠也會有一些傷害你的人，你要做的就是繼續去信人和小心你下次信的人。

12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.
在你嘗試了解其他人和盼望其他人明白你之前，先把你自己變成一個更好的人和了解你自己。

13. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.
不要太努力去找，最好的東西是在你最預計不到的時候出現。

REMEMBER: WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR A REASON.
緊記: 所有事也是因果循環的。

14.True friends: How many people actually have 8 true friends?
真正朋友: 有幾多人有八位真正的朋友?

Hardly anyone I know ! But some of us have all right friends and good friends!!!
我幾乎不認識這些人! 但在我們當中有些人全有對和好的朋友!!!

15.Being happy is the priority of living, If u wanna be sad, Be sad for something thats worth it.
珍惜你所擁有的，慶幸所曾發生的。
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



anyway...
back to my part,

it was a very busy morning at office.
sometimes i dont like Mandy, coz our working style is very different.
sometimes she's nice to help me, but sometimes she makes things more complicated, and then she
left the things for me to follow, then i found something doesnt make sense or something stupid
that i would re-do it if necessary, but sometimes, just no sec chance to re do things, and i could only
got learnt from the thing and moved on and try to fix the mess or follow up things in her way, which
i find stupid to. i got no choices sometimes. coz everything seems urgent...
and then yes. i hope Ella would be fine. and i hope i could spend more time at office.
i promised myself that after this busy week passed, i would focus more at work stuffs,
help her to run the business well, then i would focus on my study again.

then, yea...
today i got the mid term for Interpersonal Communication, Jamie's class.
well... today.. she implies something... about her teaching style.
i didnt make a word to school about her teching style, maybe someone did?
so she clearified herself a bit today. but i think she's not gonna change anyway.
and i dont care. i just focus on the mesgs i read from book.
i took the mid term today. it was okay. i hope it would be fine.... sigh...
i didnt got much time to prepare. i just normally study in every class by ignoring her jokes.
then today office was really busy. i just got ard 1 hr to study, and anotehr 1 hr sth on the way to school.
so yea... i hope everything would be fine....
the questions were quite easy.. but.. i dont know...


then yea...
hummmmmmm i have been very busy,,
then when Alesja talks to me, i m always busy... hummm sorry...
i talk with Stephen. it's okay.
and then Mr. A and Henry and another Mr. AeAm are till the same.
i dont know.


hummmmm
update something..
i would have one more paper due to Sat, and another mid term exam on Sun.
then i could finally rest a bit, and work more at office.
hummmmmm...

lastly..
Capella is leaving HK tomrrow... she's finally leaving again....
sigh.... when i was in Van... she said.. dont be sad Castor, coz i'm coming back to HK soon.
then i would saty for a long time, and we can always meet up.
yes... when she's here, we always hang out... those are the good time..
then when now, tomorrow she 's leaving... she's really leaving too.
then this itme, when she's back to Van, she would leave Van again soon.
then she would move to another place for chasing her dream. of course i wish her sucess..
when she asked me for advice, i did encourage her to take the offer. coz... i want her sucess in her
future, and i wish her doing well too. but then.. she's really leaving for a long time..
i already miss her... coz she's a very very close frineds of mine now. we had laughs and tears
together. she always take care of me. she's like my sister, but she's just so nice...
i dont know.. i m gonna miss her so much.... ='(
and th saddest thing is.. i ve been really busy, deeply in the busy mode...
the last few days, we just couldnt meet up. and ... it would be a very long time between meeting her
again. and i dont know when we would meet and where.. so... yea... i'm sad..
thanks her for being there for me always. ='( i dont want her leave... but she has to leave..
='(
i would miss her so so much.
wish her all the best there, wish her sucess, wish her be strong all the time.
wish her happy smile, wish her healthy, wish her enjoying every single days.
i hope... she would never forget me and our friendship... i love her, this good friend...
i will wish her all the best always blessing from me.


here,
i wish Alesja all the best as well.
same as Stephen. i wish her all the best, i wish him well and happy there. i wish him healthy,
everything good for him.
i wish Shan would find her way soon, and have a good satrt. and i wish Queenie happy and enjoy
her days. i wish my other friends all the best. i wish Ade and Cyn would ifnd their ways as well.
then Karen would be happy smiling everyday, be charm and get the luck.

>>July 17, 2007 at 5:46:23 PM GMT+8

2007 年 7 月 15 日 星期日 【晴】

hummmmm

last night i slept ard 12.
then i woke up ard 7 30.
but then.... when i walked to the living room, i fainted.
i dont know how to explain that kind of feelings. i just cant even stand.
it's like lost the direction, i seem cant see things.
then mom took me back to bed, i passed out, and i woke again.
i rested for awhile, then fell asleep.
then i got up again, in the washroom i felt dizzy...
then i went to bed..... strange...
finally i ate something then i felt better.

rushing back to school, coz i already missed the morning class.
i seat in, after 30 mins, class dismissed, then i had lunch, McDonald's Fliet O'Fish w/o cheese,
fries and tea. then yea.. took the food back to school, and ate.
then i went to computer lab with my book and notes. i prepared for my make-up mid term.
hummmm i didnt really prepare much. i took a nap, then study and nap time again.
i actually studyed before, so yea... i dont care anymore, cant faint at school.

i talked with Stephen... hummmm ... it's okay.
then.... i went back to class, and took my make up exam.
it was... fine =) hee. lucky.
and my assignment paper is sent too. i hope it would be fine.
i know some of them are writting more than one issue. i just focus on one.
some topics are overlaped.
i guess.... 1200 words, 7 pages.... it's fine to focus on one, if you have enough information and
you know your points of view. i dont like writing a few issues, coz it s hard to gether much
information, and not enough time to study them and elaborate them with our knowledge.
then 1200 words, not a full whole paper in 12 pages, so i guess write one issue is good and fit.
so yea, i just found one issue and apply them into the text book content, with information and my
own points of view.


and then back home..... resting... diinner... then yea... on line...
i wonder to study tonight or tomorrow. i m so tired now.
but i will have to work tomorrow before exam at night time.
hummmmmm...

Castor, add oil ;)
i'm so tired. my body is very weak now i guess, otherwise why would i faint suddenly?
but anyway,... i gotta try... i gotta do my best in my mid terms and paper.
i would not give up so easily.


here share a happy song, to make myself smile a bit * =)
and.. yea.... hope my frineds and Stephen are doing fine too.
i wanna share my blessing with all of them, the ppl in my heart.



>>July 16, 2007 at 5:44:28 PM GMT+8

2007 年 7 月 14 日 星期六 【晴】

hummmm i had a long sleep last night.
it was only me at home. so i slept at mom's room.
i watched tv in the bed. it was a nice movie.

i fell asleep ard 5 am. i woke up ard 1 pm.
then i started working on my paper again, and had lunch with myself.
baked bean in tomato sause. i love it. then... working on the paper.

resting and doing it, i finally got it done at night.
sigh..
still have one more due to Sat.
then tomorrow i will have my make-up mid term, then Tue night mid term, Sun mid term again.
i m so worried....
sigh. three courses are really heavy for me.
i m so worried.

>>July 15, 2007 at 1:46:54 PM GMT+8

2007 年 7 月 13 日 星期五 【晴】

hi.

today when i woke up, they re all gone already.
i m so lonely the whole day. no one talk to me at all.
coz i didnt go working. i stayed home resting and doing my paper.
i m so f*cking bored.

i had been reading those articles, and i rested, and read again.
then i walked out to the supermarket to get something to eat.

back home start writting the paper and ate my small dinner and medicine.

sigh.... i m so worried. i dont have much to write about.
i'm so worried.

>>July 14, 2007 at 1:24:51 PM GMT+8

2007 年 7 月 12 日 星期四 【晴】

when i woke up, i was still very sick.
guess coz not enough rest.
then i visited the doctor again. this time, the medicine are much stronger.
then had lunch with my family. i lost my appitite since i was sick.
then i back home taking nap. i felt like dying. then i chatted with Stephen when i was sleeping.
yes, when i was sleeping.

then woke up, rushing to go.
i had night class tonight. but then i met Karen at Starbucks first.
we chatted and i rested on the sofa there. she's so nice.
hummm then we back to school and had class.
tonight topic is love relationship.
we got a quiz for the last class. it was good. it was easy to me.
then Dr Chan asked me if i m okay. i told him not okay.
he saw me taking medicine, he said wah.. so many pills. i said yes, so many, i told you i'm very sick.
ha.. and after taking medicine... i found not well.
my hands shake, and my heart beats faster. i think i need to sleep.

anyway...
mom, dad, Miki and Leggy would go to China tmr for 2 days.
hummmmmmm i m tinking if tmr i would go working or not.
coz i m very sick still and wanted stay home resting and doing my asignment paper.
you know what, i found that, i would have my 2nd assignment paper due to Sat, and my 3rd mid term
on Sun. i'm dying. omg...


Karen told me something today in class. and i thought of Alesja.
oh yea, some girls did mention that if i were a guy then they would have fell for me.
and some girls like me before. ha.. so.. i'm actually attractive to not only guys.
but in HK is weird. i'm not attractive to HK guys. isnt that REALLY strange? i do think so.

anyway. i m going ot rest.
i'm thinking tmr back to office first. coz Ella wouldnt be able to handel the front without me.
but i need time to rest and do my school work too. sighhhhhhhh....
why there is always conflicts?
i really wanna be resonsible for the office work. i really dont wanna let them down.
but i have my own responsiblities on my study, and i cant let my grade drops, otherwise, there would
be no chances to reach the Master degree requirments.
money, responsiblities of work and study, how to balance ?
i have been trying my best already. is it really enough?
what can i do to make things better?


good luck for all my friends, and Stephen too.



Here is something i coppied from some friend.
and i wonder if my frined coppied them from the lecture notes. haha.
a little sharing here:

"keep in mind that love relationship are not easy;
in fact, they are probably the most complex
and mysterious of all human connections.
however, through your basic awareness, sensitivity,
and insight, combined with the knowledge and understanding
of the issues discussed in this chapter,
they can also be the most wondrous and rewarding." (Human Sexuality)


Thanks Karen, her words always inspire me to think, and i dont feel stress making frined with her.
i think i'm lucky to have a friend like her at school. and she makes my school life a bit happier =)
yes. i still remember the first few days back to school, i'm a new student there again.
she's there. at first i was not very close with anyone. i'm just very independant.
then in group discussion, through a few lunches with her, we became closer, and she became
my new friend at school. we supported each otehrs in our hard times. we're good friends now ?
well i would consider her my good friend at least =) Thanks Karen.

>>July 14, 2007 at 1:26:14 PM GMT+8

2007 年 7 月 11 日 星期三 【晴】

WELL.

i was PRETTY tired.
working till lunch time, lunch with my family, cool, and back to the office working.
then rushed to school having meeting with Dr. Frazier. Great.

i still feel sick. thinking to visit the docotr again when i have time, i dont know when anyway.
then yea.. fucking pissed when i found the contract was signed by my name when i didnt even know
what the hell was going on.
HOW COULD MANDY DO THAT?! and HOW STUPID ELLA ALLOWED IT HAPPENED??
IT's SO FUCKING STUPID !
MY NAME?! SOMEONE JUST FAKED MY NAME to sign a contract !
i dontk ow what i should do, i just laughed when i talk to MANDY.
she said it doesnt matter whoever sign it is the same.
OMG. i feel like trapped. i'm not going to be responsible for anything of this shit.
if there's any problems, i m not gonna fix it.



i went to school meeting Dr. Frazier. he's very nice. i thought he's old, but he's young.
anyway, we tlak about the master degree and stuffs.
it seems really hard ot do so. i would need to take the test. then after that, i went to a bookstore
to search for relevant books. i found some and i started reading them. it was okay.
btw, i also saw Mr. Tan, from SG. he's fine. good to see him again.
we three had a short conversation. and then it was good. they guessed my TOEFL was great.
nope. it wasnt in a few years ago. i scored 173 Computer Base. they thought i had 211. haha. nope.
anywya, i m thinking to take the SAT or another test in stead of TOEFL again.
and i need ot check my GPA, and asked about my transfer credits from Utha State University.


i was home, then sleeping till dinner.
and i watched Ugly Betty.
i love this show =)
i like Daniel Ming. i love Betty.
then... family... yes. sometimes the ppl love you the most in the world might not be your family,
but... do you love your family? and regarding the sexualilty issues.
it was a good point. it's a really big controversial issue in the society huh, esp in the States.

and it also imspires me on my assignment papers.
come on Castor, i know you'll rock your paper ! ;)

i'm starting tonight.
i hope i could make things done nicely, all done by Mon and Tue night, which are my due dates.
so that i could enjoy the coming episodes on the TV hee.



i dont care what Henry wants now. i still talk to him when he calls.
i dont care about her girlfriend too. i dont have to be responsible for either one of them anyway.
coz i was totally out the affiar since more than 1 year ago. and then i dont care what Mr. A
says and stuffs, coz it's just .... something i dont wanna care at the moment.
everytime i listen to those guys, how about now i take the control.

>>July 14, 2007 at 1:26:39 PM GMT+8