2007 年 10 月 3 日 星期三 【晴】

i m chatting with Alesja and Dianna now^^
on webcam!!! ^^ hahahaha
we talk for long.

anyway...
i woke up late... wokred...

i got two classes today..
with Alex, with Winnie..
Alex's mom brought me soup =) so warm. Alex treats me like.. some... i dont know..
it's so nice to have his class =)
Winnie said i am a good teacher, very patient with her and encouraging her, she feels more
confident now, and she wants to come back and work hard.
i am happy =) i hope to see her next week.
Ella is sick.. humm wish her well soon...

be back tomorrow..
i m really exhausted..
got lots of thigns on my mind.

i would have calss with Ricky tomorrow after work, then meet Shan for a drink..
then Sat night meeting up Rami for some discussion for the business.

i got the call from Ricky's mom, my aunt. then... i told her.. i dont need her paying me anymore
for helping my cousin Ricky. hummm yes... i m lack of money, but same with them.
thir situation is even worse. so.. i dont wanna take money from them.

i just got one song in my head...
Hurt



Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today

I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I want to call you but I know you won't be there

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just want to hide 'cause it's you I miss
You know it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this

Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself
If I had just one more day, I would tell you how much that
I've missed you since you've been away

Oh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line to try to turn back time

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself

By hurting you

>>October 4, 2007 at 7:11:52 PM GMT+8

2007 年 10 月 2 日 星期二 【晴】

i m really really tired...
hummm i had coffee but didnt really find it useful..
omg. just.. i m just too tired.
i was 45 mins late to work.. i felt bad for that...

i stayed at office, and i wrote my jounral for yesterday.
then had done some work for SFAA...
then... planing on stuffs... then thinking of my paper and other things,
hummm then... yea.... lots of things on my mind.

then Ella invited me for lunch.. i was...... kindda.. aware she is gonna have a talk with me.
then we chatted, normal chatted while we had lunch, like what we always did.
humm we have Jap food. then.. hummmm.... after eating.. she started to tell me why she invited me
for lunch. she thinks there is something wrong between us..
we talk... very sincerely.. then.. she lso raised my salary and let me come to the office 30 mins later.
and she gave me 4-day annual leaves. hummmm i was okay. i am happy actually.
but i am just too tired and stressed so... yea i really really appreciate that really.
i have told her part of the things that about the business.
my heart is still in Elchards actually. i dont hate Elchards Eeducation. just i feel very tired and i am
stressed about the salary. so... yea... i m kindda worried for her and her business, she told me about
the situation with the office now, and i actually really understand that it is difficult for her.
so that's also why i d never asked her for more money or leaves, and that's why i m trapped.
now we talk.. i really appreciate her offers and help, really. then, hummm she also paid me back
the money of the last doctor note.

she said.. she really value my role in Elchards, and she and Richard like me, dont want me leaving..
i didnt really hate Ella.. i said i m not happy working is true, but i dont hate her actually. i just
hate the tiring time... so when she was so sincere and honest with me.. i was kindda.. guilty.
like.. i have been so upset over something at work but.. they are not the truth happening.
i thought i am not valued, but it is not true actually, she actually values my efforts at work..
then.. she also mentioned our friendship.. of course i dont hate her.. just sometimes.. i dont know..
she is so sincere to me. i dont want her fail. i d never wanted her fail in her business or
i do treat her as my good friend. if she turns to me, i would be always there for her..
i guess.. especially... before i went to Canada in MArch. we were always together..
like work and after work. hummm supporting each others. and i do love that time, i do value that.
but since i was back from Canad in April.. i got back to school, stress increased everyday,
got problems with Stephen, got problems from everywhere.. too tired, too stressed..
so... yea..

anyway... i m so tired ... but i have some work to do tonight. need to mark some tests, and do the
report tonight then send to Edgar. omg.. i m so tired..

yesterday with my consellor, we talk about responsiblities in different areas of life.

i wish that.. i could go back to those time when i could have fun with the ppl ard me..
i could have much less stress, more and more laughs and wonderful time with friends in Canada.
i wish i could go back to the time with Stephen there, and i wish i could just continoue chasing
dreams and having hope in the future, i mean.. now i still have them, but everything is so different
already. i find myself changed alot as well. life seems tough and really complicated now.
everyday got differnt things on my mind waiting for me.
somehow i really wish i could have that money and supports from others so that i dont have to
take extra heavy steps to walk towards future. sometime i really wish that i could be with Stephen
happily together, everything seems ideal, coz he is the person i love, and i hope to share with him,
love him, take care of him and our family. i wanna send all my life with him.
i know the reality and difficulties. and i am not forcing anything to happen for me, coz ... i dont think..
i have this sorts of luck or ablities. i just know that.. he always have the choices, but i dont understand
why he does this and that. i might not need to know why, but... i wonder.. why.
i wish.. i really wish that... the reality could be sweeter..
maybe i'm already very lucky and i should cherrish myself more. take days as they come, and learn
to live a life, in stead of... you know... just having a meaningless life.

brb.
dinner time.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


my little slide show hahahaha
humm not all of the photos, some beautiful moments still missing,
but yea.. pretty much on my lap, i uploaded.



>>October 3, 2007 at 5:59:33 PM GMT+8

2007 年 10 月 1 日 星期一 【晴】

tired.

caught up the bus at 8 am in Fo Shan. no traffic jam, arrived HK at almost 11 30am.
last night, i did the editing on my paper, slept ard 3 40, got up and packed at 6 30.
i slept 7 hrs in 2 days.. busy outside for helping at wedding in day time,
then night time at hotel staying up for my paper... i didnt actually rest.

finally back home... holiday ended.
then took a shower and un packed then worked on my paper again.
rushing to go, 5 mins late to the appointment with my consellor.

hummmm... it was okay. i was emotional, but it was fine.
we talk a lot today. and i saw the progress, i am fine.
life is busy and busy. tired and tired. i shared with my consellor todya about the business,
the wedding trip, the paper and work.
she actually found me like the strong business woman, i told her i dont wanna be one.
then she said well i dont need to wish not to be. haha.. anyway she was interested about
my story in it. she was excited for me about the partnership and new oppotunities. she admires me.
well i agree that's quite possitive actually, i mean the changes in me from a few months ago.
my school, my work, and the little little little business... hummm...
we talk alot. not just chatting, but something helpful.
i see the progress, and this time she gave me a few ques for next session.
i'm going back in 2 weeks.

then seat at Starbucks, having brew coffee and keep editing my paper..
then rushed back to school, in computer lab, editing my paper..
then... in class... presentation done.
it was... okay... not enough time though, coz the ppl before talk too much.. so we dont have
enough time. then fine.. i heard the comment from my classmate that i was doing good atually.
all of the studnets just dont have enough time. i knew some studnets havent done it yet,
then some were running out of the topic... some ppl present nothings. so.. yea..

have been thinking if i should do osme more editing, adding new things, coz i could send tomorrow.
but i am just too tired.

back home resting and eating dinner at 12 am. then yea.. chatting iwth mom... 3 days not home..
then.. yea come on line, doing some uploading of photos..
really tired.. really really tired.

>>October 2, 2007 at 7:11:38 PM GMT+8

2007 年 9 月 30 日 星期日 【晴】

hey!

today.... i m soooooo sleepy..
i m so tired.. woek up in the morning.. couldnt really wake till after th hot shower.
it was kindda shocking me when i was in Lilian's home..
the guys were so ferice hahaha.. i was standing aside instead of joining them..
coz the guys were pushing the girls, then they rushed into the room to get the bride.
it was so funny..

then.. yea... running here and there with the bride.. so tired..
had dinner.. our table got some funny uncle.. otherwise i fell asleep already..
he is from Vancouver as well.. he is nice.
actually the ppl here are pretty rich and friendly. they re nice and caring..
but then.. sometimes.. about the manner... they re not very... you know... okay.

it is very touching to join her wedding... i really wish i could get marry not later than 25...
i was touched. hee.

then back to here... i need to keep working on my assignment, then... hummmm tomorrow morning
i need to take the bus at 8 am... perhaps it only takes 3 hrs back to HK..
so that everything would be fine on time.
coz tomorrow i actually have the busy schedule, very tight.. so.. i am worried..
and i am really really really tired.... *yawn... *YAWN....
i m worried for my assignment actually..

gues what... last night i changed my Face book fortune cookies, right?
then.. after awhile... someone suddeny mesg me on MSN.
like.. after so many thigns happened... i have stated clear myself to that person that..
i dont have the same feelings with him anymore. before i promised him i would never brought his
name on here anymore, but i guess.. for me.. it doesnt matter that much if i wrote his name or not.
i guess it's all for his girlfriend. if he thinks he contacts me then she would get pissed or jealous,
then just dont contact me, right? i m not his girlfrined or i dont really consider myself involved.
so, when everythign has been so clear, and thigns happened like years ago, why today he came
back and asked if he could call me dear? of course i dont think he should. i think he shouldnt.
i told him that he has made his choice, and i did feel hurt and insulted coz i didndt mean to get
involved into their relationship, but i became the 3rd party. and i asked him to tink twice, then
one day he sms me that he chose his girl and he could have only 1 gf. then i was so mad.
it wasnt me trying to get him, i had been t rying to push him away but he didnt want me to leave him
in that way, he wanted time to think. whatever.. it s long ago. it been so much things happened
for me after that mess, and i thought he had made his choice, so.. yea.. dont come and tell me any
bull shit coz i m not trusting him in that way anymore. i didnt throw away the gift i have prepared
for his "so called visiting with his mom", i kept it for myself in stead. he doesnt respect me, nevermind,
i dont need that, i give pride to myself and the dignity for my gifts. i own them now, not him, and
i hope he would stop asking me those questions again.
i wonder if he got my password on this site somewhere not by my permission.
he shouldnt have one and Cyn wouldnt give him so..
i dont want him having my access into here.

coming back to HK tomorow..
safe trip on the road Castor...
wish everything would go fine tomorrow...

i miss the good time here... i miss the good time there..

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

3 26 am now.
going to sleep...
tmr need to go back to HK so early =(
i wanna stay longer, coz i havent really relaxed myslef here..
nice hotel, but i had been busy in Lilian's wedding and my assignment..

still need to pack up tmr, and i might need to work on my assignment tmr on bus.

btw.. something is strange with my msn...

>>October 1, 2007 at 7:28:11 PM GMT+8

2007 年 9 月 29 日 星期六 【晴】

hi..

tired. really tired.

i got up early, then kept packing, then... left home to meet aunt Priscilla.
we ate something... then i have called Ade.. ha.. she is okay.
hummmmm we took bus.... omg.. it was traffic jam.. so we took almost 5 hrs to the hotel in FoShan.
the hotel room is quite nice, really. then... Lilian arrived and took us for dinner.
it's been 2 years havent seen her. she is more beautiful now! =)
i m so happy for her that she is getting married tomorrow... but i'm still... you know..
well, she is very nice to me =) i m so happy to see her again !

hummm after dinner.. we had desert, and i bought coffee back to hotel, coz i need to work on my
paper tonight.. i really wanna get it done by tonight, but i'm so lack of wordings and.. i couldnt
organize what s on my mind now.. so messy pieces ideas and information. i m so tired..
so.. i m worried. i actually want it done by tonight, coz it is causing me so much stress now..

Priscilla is sleeping already.. i think i might need to stay over night to write my assignment.. >.<
i m sooooooooo worried......

i left Stephen e-mail that i came to China. then.. i dont get his reply. but just now in Facebook,
i renew my Fortun Cookies there.. then i got " someone would reveal honest feelings to you. "
i was happy. someone might come to me and tell me his/ her honest feelings to me =P
my friends? my co worker? my.... family? i dont know~

i gotta continoue on my assignment..
i wish i could hand it later.... at least a few more days, so that i could enjoy my holiday here..
but... sigh... no.... and i need to rush back to HK on Tue. i m kinda worried for my appointment at 4pm
with my consellor in Central.. then i would have presentation in class at 7pm... >.<


good luck Cas.... >.<



CONGRADS to LILIAN~~~~~ ^^

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


7 06 am... time to rest..
need to get up ard 8 30am..

hummm... i have done 80%, basically have drafted and proof read already..
but i need to write the reference and keep editing the paper, need more proof read.
i used to gve myself two or three days to edit or proof read, but this time is running out of time..
Good luck Castor..

>>September 30, 2007 at 11:08:37 PM GMT+8

2007 年 9 月 28 日 星期五 【晴】

hi..

i woke up with the big puffy eyes.
i worked, i was sick.
then... lunch time, i just rushed to the clinic.. but... they said they re not accepting walk in patient,
i should call earlier. then i took taxi back to home..
i took a short nap, 20 mins.. then i went back to office. i was late.

then... Ella was looking for me.. well.. i know i am bad, but i need the rest.
sometimes i dont find her very bad, but... when it comes to work.. she is the boss, then... i gotta
listen to her, no matter how i disaggree with her. she might not know it that... she sometimes is
kindda making troubles to herself and ME. while i try to stop those happening in the future,
she focus on... the moment now. yes i am very forgetful, but... i do organize things and schedule..
i would try to put students in the classes and make sure they wont complain anything and also the
teachers would be fine teaching here. i think this is my job. but then.... somehow... i am not the
boss and i couldnt care too much about which teacher is cheaper or more expensive, or say if there
is only 1 student left then just cancel the class. i couldnt agree with this, coz this is not what the
teacher supposed to agree with. if you really consider the stduent's benefits, then you shouldnt
make such big arrangements for them, unless the paretns request for that. that's the basic ethics
and concept for teaching and customer service. even if there is only one student, he is still your
student. and you would never know how the lesson might help him someday. if you think this is not
gonna work for making money, you could arrange the transition period for the students or at least
to show your sorry for the parents. but i dont even sense she finds anything wrong. so.. forget it.
the teacher canceled the schdule with you, that s the company's problem, and it is not right to let
the customer to share this responsiblity with the company, especailly we are talking about
learning and education. if you make scrafication to the student, you need to compensate him or her.
that's so basical ideas but she would hide it untill the parent get really pissed off TO ME.

yesterday orthe day before.. i saw someone.. no actually a few of them...
my old schoolmates.. the next class... we were both Science class students.. but i took Additional Math,
they too others like Arts, or Accounting, or Computer. anyway.. guess who i saw?
So Ying Ki, the guy.... who was my "boyfriend" in drama club when i was F.4
i was shocked to see him. actually during that play at school, we got some stories..
but.... we didnt actually start coz... he chose another girl (which was a bitchy girl in next class).
he was kindda funny that... he would do everything, love letters, sending me home, trying ot hold my
hands and wanna kiss me, gifts, but then i asked him to wait, i needed time, then he just dated that
girl, but he didnt tell me. i found out by others, and i wrote him back to confront him. it was kind of
lame situation, he was trying to explain to me about how desperate he was then that girl appeared.
after that, i said FINE. it was after the play at school, so yea fine. and that girl is kinda of cheap..
i felt like when she saw me at school, she would kind of you know... look at me then walk away.
it doesnt matter big to me, coz i was not really in love with that guy, and i was kinda famous
person at school so.. very soon then i got another story with another guy. who cares he did pass me
a gift on my birthday after that odd news. when he walked to me and said happy birthday in canteen,
i was shocked. but i d never wear that bracelace. and after a few mins, hahaha.. "my friend just brought
bunch of guys running to me"... hahaha.. it was pretty embarassing.. Tung, my screen lover at school,
and also my really good frined now, was forcing me to recieve the gift from Samuel, the new student
transfered to our school. i run away, i run coz i heard Samuel yelling my name in the canteen and
running toward me. not only him, but with Tung and other guys in my class. hahaha.. it was funny.
high school is fun... i was shy about things happened like that. hahaha. i was sorry to Samuel, but i
know he understood me.
we are all good frineds in class anyway. no matter what, our friendship means so much at that time.
till now, we are still in contact. Tung is still as protective to me as he was. still take care of me if we
hang out. somethign different now is.. we are no longer the screen lover and he has a sweet girlfriend ;)

so yea, that day i saw So Ying Ki with his school frineds.. i dont know if he had noticed me,
i just walked pretty fast to make sure he didnt notice me. i would be still embarassed to talk with him.
coz.. it was pretty odd for him to .. you know.. so i dont wanna see him or talk with him anymore.
actually at that time in school, if i would rather never seen him again in school.
in the drama, we are girlfriend boyfriend, but.. you know... sometiems.. drama is just drama.


hummm anyway in office, i read my book, planing on my assignment. omg.. i havent started yet..
i'm definitely bringing my assignment to China with me tomorrow.. which i dont want.
coz i'm having the presentation on Tue night, the day when i come back to HK..
and i would have the appiontment with my consellor at 4 pm too.
kindda worried actually. this trip brings me stress now, it's suprisingly undesirable now.
i'm worried coz i'm going with aunt Priscilla. she is the kind of woman that i need to watch out.
even though she's my aunt, means she is much much older than me, but i couldnt actually count
on her... well, if i have another choice, i might not go with her. that sounds mean but sorry it's true.
probably coz i'm really sick and tired, the most important thing is about my assignment and too rushy
on Tue for me.
hummm hope everythign would be fine.. and i need to pack up tonight.

i'm super tired.. and... i m thinking if i should seek a doctor tomorrow morning...
i dont really want, but i dont have any medicine.... hummmm...
everyone told me i looked pretty tired. yea, if you were me, then you would have found that..
well, Good Lcuk Castor... good luck on your paper and your trip.
wish you have a safe trip and write the good paper.

>>September 29, 2007 at 7:28:31 PM GMT+8

2007 年 9 月 27 日 星期四 【晴】

12 14pm..
i'm at the office now..
i wamma go home ! i feel so sick and tired.... ='(

you know why even though i'm sick and i m still here?
coz i know if i take just 1 day off more, i would lose $230 more.
if i have doctor note, it would not make a difference.
every month is less than $4000, but i need to spend really long time here.
4 days/ week. i cant do it anymore. it's too much. this job is not suitable for me.
i wanna get out from here.

i still have a paper to do... i feel so helpless. i'm running out of time...

i dont know why i come to work today... it's so silly of me, but i just dont think i can take one day off more.
i feel like trapped.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


12 49am.
i got a fight with dad just now.
some small problems. i dont understand why he has to be so angry. i think he's really sensitive.
anyway.. yea... it's not about if i wanna contribute into the family, but i just couldnt do anything.
i remember that mom had never let us touching the housework, and both parents only want un
to focus on study, not even let us playing outside or hanging out with frineds.
what kind of senses we could develope when we are home living with the family?
same enviornment, same ppl, why do you expect me doing housework so spontanously?
while i dont even have time to rest, or do my work ? what kind of "logic" that is may i know?
so small problem that is not necessary to be my fault, then he said i set it up for the next person
who is using the washroom. well i guess it's pretty normal for the person to take the stuff out
from the bath tube before showing? she didnt take it out, and you blame me for what?
while i shower, i took it out, then i ut it back as what i normally did. why the hell today you have to
say this is my problem? say like i'm very selfish saying everything is not my problem ?
coz this is not my problem. i dont understand why the oldest sister always need to bare so many
responsiblities. okay then i do the housework, you help me to do my paper and research and my
work as well. my family just doesnt understand how tough life i am going through now.
they know nothing, and why do they think they could complian to me that i dont even contribute to
the house?! oh yea i have lunch with you, and that makes me counting on you for money now.
i feel so sick and i still work coz i cant afford any medical bills or sick leaves.
i cant understand why my family could never appreciate what i ve been doing on my own or
understand how difficult life i am facing. i cried for long..

anyway.. i dont wanna talk about that..
since i'm already named "someone not contributing" into the family.. i have nothing to say..
i ve been working so hard but still... not valued... i dont knwo what i can do more.
it's just so hurtful to hear what my dad comment on me.
if my sisters need me, i am always there for them... i'm responsible for everything on my own,
except share the house hold or do some housework.... what else more i can do?
i'm just never good enough for them for anyone for everyone! oh yea!
whoever so close with me just know that i d never be good enough for them!
my boyfriends, my parents!


no matter what, i dont think it's my problem but i'm damn hurt by what he said.
someday i would just move out.

Castor,.. i guess.. you should be strong and stop crying for fucking no reasons.
sometimes i wanna give up, why studying should be that hard..
when everyone in the Uni is just enjoying school life and spending money,
why should i work and study being so stupid ?! giving myself so big shit to deal with?
why i have to be so independent, applying for that high interest student loans?
you must be the most stupid person in the world..
chasing dreams? forget it.. you hsould just grad from high school get an office work,
givie money to your family, go do your house work at home, meet some radom guy in HK,
then get married and stay home ! you dont need any dreams, you dont even need a brain !
just listen and do what others tell you to ! GO ENJOY YOUR LIFE like what your grandma told you!
why do you study?! WASTING TIME AND MONEY.

i have been... working so hard... i dont care about myself... i put others first before myself..
i have been thinking and planing how i would give the better life to the ppl ard me..
i'm so stressed and tired but i didnt give up. i'm hurt and i get up and keep working on life..
it's been so much.. so much to me... why it's all just nothing at all now?
why the ppl who re the closest with me have to tell me that i'm just never good enough...
i'm so tired... i'm so tired...


I HATE THIS!

>>September 28, 2007 at 6:59:43 PM GMT+8

2007 年 9 月 26 日 星期三 【晴】


i love this picture. i got it from Facebook.


hummm today... when i woke up, i felt better.. my nose wasnot blocked. my throat is not as worse.
my voice soudns better.
maybe someone had prayed for me =) i'm just thinking.
then in the morning, at work, not really working.. Mendy came over with baby.
he was so cute. then yea.. lunch time.. i ate by myself... i took some chinese sweet soup.
it's good for my throat and health. after that, i actually felt better...
i didnt take transpotation to work, i walked to office, and at night, i walked home.
i find it nice. the weather is not as stuffy and hot, so i could walk now, and it's good.
i could excercise.
then yea...

afternoon.. i had class with Alex. he was so cute. he's samrt but very innocent.
omg, i wanna hug him and bite him. he was so cute. we were talking about why he forgot the spelling.
then, i actually dont blame him for the dictation. he got almost 100%. then he told me he wanna take
out his brain and wash it, then put it back. i was shocked, coz he was not joking. i knew this kid.
then i asked him how. he told me just cut it and take it and wash and put it back. he looks so serious.
he asked me like havent i seen that before. he said he has seen a brain before. i wanna start laughing.
i asked him how to put it back, he said he can stick it back with some glue. he said seriously.
haha i started laughing.. then he told me he once get his arm hurt, some little skin came off, then
he stick it back. i laughed out loud. i asked him how??? then he told me that he put the skin on the
arm, and cover it with bandaid. then, after some day, it is back to there. i laughed and asked him how
about the hair.. if you pick your hair, could you stick it back as well? hahaha then he started pucking
one out for me.. hahah sigh.. so funny.. he is really still a baby boy.

hummm nothing much.. i did some chatting with Cap this morning. we discussed on the master degree
programme.. then i did some on line test. it was interesting.

back home resting, dinner and tv time.. i love Hotel Babylon. oh my god... they broke up, and then
Charlie is with Rebaca now.. then JAckie is with a new guy. then JAckie is jealous about that..
it is quite complicated. but if i was Jackie, i would love Charlie. he is such a nice man there..
not only Jackie, the receptionist girl i forgot her name is also hiting on him actually.
he is so charming. anyway, it is just a tv show. hee.
but the yea.. i find that.. if the guy can cook, and if he cooks for the woman, it's really romantic.
and it's very important that.. the guy is always helpful to his ppl around and be professional at his
working position. well.. of course it would be necessary to be faithful to his girlfriend.
he was actually pretty nice to Jackie. anyway... tv only. ha.
this tv show always give me inspiration, get me to think of life and work. i love this show.

i thought of mom always today. and also my dad.
actually my dad was very angry last night, coz of my sister, Miki.
hummmmm i am angry at my parents sometimes, coz i think they re not fair and.. they dont respect me.
but... turn around and put myself in another perspective, then... i think... i understand why dad is so
upset when we dont listen to him. i m not say if he is correct or not. but i could understand how
tough for him to raise us, the family. he has been working hard for us and mom. he doesnt expect
much from us, he just wants us to be someone useful in the society and would get marry with some
nice guy so that we would be fine but not sad. he said like.. he would die someday much earlier
than us. he thinks we are very selfish sometimes dont care about the home. he said like... we can
take whatever he can give now, but how many years more he could be with us in this house.
my heart was... kindda sour.
and i know mom has been the incredible house wife. i know it actually. after married, she has been
listening to dad and taking care of us. she could do everything for us even if she needs to scrafy
her personal time or anything.. she is always doing the best for us before herself..
dad is quite like the king, but mom is not the bitchy queen. and actually.. i knew mom was pretty,
very beautiful when she was young. dad had a big competetor before. that guy is a doctor,
he is a rich man and his parents love my mom so much. but mom choose daddy hahahaha..
whic hsi a not so good looking guy but really helpful and kind to ppl. dad was a tour guide.
he was the excellent tour guide. he has many real good friends, no, i should say... he treats his
frineds with the real heart. but i'm not so sure about his frineds intention.
anyway... i'm just so lucky born with my great parents. i got the my father's face.. hahaha.
everyone saying tht he doesnt look good but i look pretty. i got dad's heart for ppl, and his intellegence,
and laziness. hahaha. i got mom's soft heart, no both dad and mom got soft heart.
i got mom's patient as in the long term one.. in daily life, i dont have much patient.
but yea, i got the faith in ppl and family or marriage. sometimes i wonder i got mom's poor memorries.
coz mom is even worse than me, and i think maybe someday i would be like her. haha.
mom and dad are both the good cook.. so.. yea.. i got the talance ;)

okay.. yea... i'm a big combination of my dad and mom. i love it.
but i would be the better parent than them in the future. ha.. so... whoever gonna marry me would be
his luck for sure, unless he doesnt want children. haha.

yea.. the on line tests..
i am the shy and sexy girl. omg. haha.. i dont know.. i mean.. yea i am shy...
but i do believe that i have my sexy side too.. but it's just kindda hard to show it ? and.. it's pretty
strange that in HK.. not much girls would show how sexy they are, unless .. you know..
but think i think.. what makes a girl sexy is not just about the clothes or make up or prefume..
it's the whole... beauty. if you dont have the sexy mind, then.. you wont shine.
it's like.. if your inside is ugly, you hardly pretend you're a nice one, then cant show your real beauty.
your face could be so gorgeous but.. your heart is not, and ppl can feel it.

i dont know..
some parent saw me today, and asked me if i am very tired.. i looked very tired. i said yea..
i'm very tired.. i dontk now how long i still can stand actually. i'm exhausted. it's nothing about my
physical health already. i am sick or i dont feel well in every few weeks. and look at my stuffs...
it's messy and stressful. i dont wanna keep repeating this and that, i wanna tell myself that there re
many ppl are facing more difficult situations than mine. so.. yea... try to be strong, Cas.

hummmmm yea... i m wishing .... that ... somehow the life could be easlier for me..
especailly .... while i'm lost.

oh no.. i get sneezing again... my nose is blocked.. uhhhh...
should i keep reading the articles tonight?

>>September 27, 2007 at 4:59:45 PM GMT+8

2007 年 9 月 25 日 星期二 【晴】

hi.

it was a working day.
i got up, then prepared to leave.
i put on make up, sent the file, packed the things i need then i left.

i arrived ard 12 sth. then got some small buns, and shopped at the supermarket in Prince Edward.
hummm had been prepared.. humm Rami came, then we worked together. it was fine.
then, Shan came for help, yup, she s my very very nice friend. thanks her for coming.
i knew Shan since i was 6. we had been friends for.. 15 years! so long~
in HK, she's my best friend, and also Queenie and Jackie.

anyway.. yea. not much students came, but it was fine.
it was under my expectation. things went really well. i saw the kids having lots of fun.
they are so energenic. i was so happy haha.. i'm happy that we spent a few hrs in the afternoon
today. well.. i dont think we have made any profits today. but it's nice that we have our first step.
i think... things would be getting better, but we just need to wait, and keep observing on it.
the kids are smart, some of them re pretty shy. but they were okay.. when they played,
they were so energenic. i was like a real teacher, playing games with them.
it s been so long i havent got incharged this kind of group activities. well i used to be good at it,
once i was in high school. i was always the leader. but since grad there, i backed up others
doing things, replaced me. so yea.. this time is challenging.
i just found myself that actually i have the potential to be a real kindergarden teacher or the elementary school teacher.
the fact is that... i organize this whole thing, like the test and games and decor and the materials.
i find myself could be someday working in the school but not only as the teacher following the
instructions. i might be able to be a director someday, if i do have my futher education in education and
child development.

it's still too far away..

humm yea..
i'm very tired... got some chatting with Rami these days.. yea.. he's okay..
then after back home, i just rested and ate.. then i took a nap.. i was really exhausted.
i fell sick. my throat and my voice. then my nose. i guess i got a flu.

after dinner, i watched tv, 24. one of my fav. very exciting..
then after that, i have been reading the articles.. i'm starting to write my paper really soon.
omg. i still couldnt catch the whole idea of what i'm going to write.

i checked and thought of the word "Insight". i thought it's something like... personal ideas.
or sharing some experiece or examples i could think of regarding the topic.
but it is not actually. it's more than that.
then i thought of my consellor. once she told me i actually have insight. but i have been complianing
to myself that.. i dont got insights, that's why i couldnt make my paper great like more than 90%.
my best papers were rated 91 and 90. then... 80sth and 70 sth ? yea? couldnt remember that much..
but yea.. Dr. Chan has been saying... we need to have some insight in our paper.
and i had been thinking that is what i m lack of all the time.. but now.. wait a min...
i'm giving myself time to explore, and seems like i find more than what i can get from book.
i dont know what re they on my mind yet.. it's still some messy pieces of thought.. but.. yea..
see if i can write them on my paper later.


anyway... the party has done. i m going ot write a brief report to record down this little funtion,
then i would put them in file. and then.. i dont know.. i m kindda worried. coz as what i can see now,
i m not so confident in Edgar's plans on the promotion and stuffs... hummm i should trust him,
but there're still something missing as i sense. but i cant tell what they are yet..
maybe we need to do something more. i will firgue that out. but wait. give me some time to see...

and.. i'm very... tired.. kinda stressed.. and sick,.. but i will not give up on my things at the moment now.
i need to finish my paper as soon as possible, and give myself time to check things out.
then i would go to China for a couple of days. hummmmm...

i got a chat with mom and my sisters tonight.. and after all, i find it's true that, what doesnt kill me that
makes me stronger. i'm not a strong person.. as in... ppl relationship. i'm a very easy touched ppl..
means.. i m easy to feel touched, soft heart, easy to be happy and easy to cry..
while talking about study and work, i am strong. but.. i guess... why i'm still here, coz.. of the belief
i have and the suport form the ppl who love me and care about me. i really dont know if it would be
better to be a stronger girl... but i guess.. i have been really brave and tough... that makes me survive.
i'm still the same Castor ppl know.. i dont think im perfect.. especailly in realtionship..
i hope the ppl like me and love me as who i am, respect me and cherrish me, live a life with me no
matter how tough the situation and life is.


i miss the ppl.. but... i guess...
these all pretty much i can do -- to love myself more and learn to live a life.

Good luck, Castor..

Which Sex and the City Character Are You?
	You are Carrie. You know what you want out of a relationship and you're not afraid to keep moving until you get it. Wit and charm are your biggest turn-ons, and you like guys who appreciate you for your mind as much as your body. You have fun playing the dating game, but secretly you just can't wait to find the guy who sweeps you off your feet and carries you into the sunset.
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

What City Should You Live In?
	You should live in Paris. The city of lights will appeal to your appreciation of beauty and romance. You are a lover and a poet by nature, and Paris' sensitive charms will be a perfect match for yours.
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

YEAH~~~ Look at THIS! =) Cinderella~~~~
i'm Cinderella~~~~ hahahaha.. ^^ yeah~

Which Disney Princess Are You?
	You are Cinderella. You are hard-working and never complain, however, your trust is sometimes misplaced and people sometimes take advantage of you. Still, you are beautiful inside and out, and one day you will realize it and find true love.
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

>>September 26, 2007 at 7:26:20 PM GMT+8

2007 年 9 月 24 日 星期一 【晴】

hi..

today i woke up, then rushing some school work doc then went to Tai Po Market...
i had a very nice lunch with Miki. then.. i sent her back to her school, then i went to Prince Edward.
i had a meeting with Edgar and Rami.
hummm it was okay....... we talk about the arrangement for tomorrow.
i m the person who is incharged, but i couldnt just do supervision job, i would need to be the MC,
leading the children on games. that should be challenging.. coz i dont even know how many students
would come. hummmm. yea.. still gotta prepare something...

after the meeting, i went back to school to get my student id card and gave them the doc from SFAA.
then i went to Ma On Shan... whoooo..... i'm soooooooo tired......
i walked around and wait for my family. we had dinner out side tonight with granpa and aunts.
hummmm i was sick.... so .. i left earlier... then i forgot the bring the key.... so....... i stayed... outside
the house.................... till my family back.. hummm...
Miki met her friends tonight at the park, then.... hummmmmmmmmmm i was alone waiting...
i m not feeling well, hummmmmmmm...
back home resting... then had moon cake, hahaha.. i LOVE SNOWY MOON CAKE~~~
the one from Tai Pan is really really nice ~~~ Munt Bean Paslte =P
Tai Pan is the original one, sooooo yummy~~~ ^^ ! YEAH~

hummmm i need to prepare something tonight for tomorrow.. so tired...


anyway...
i thought of the time with Stephen. it was kinnda sad.. coz.. somehow... i understand the situation
that... we are apart. i dont know exactly what we can do. so.. i just dont do anything.
i dont know.. i should let go of the sad feelings.
when i listened to the songs.. i thought of him and the time we were together.
every little moments. i guess i start to understand more why i still havent moved on.
for many girls, i guess... it's just the time to say good bye. i'm still here...

sometimes, my friends would ask me.. if i want another chance, means another guy.
it's complicated. i still have the feelings about him. that's weird. coz... usually the girl like me,
would just get really pissed and dump the guy. sometimes i hate myself being so weak..
and i'm really afraid someday he would just tell me he is with another girl now or he would say
he has changed.. well some lyrics said " He would do either one of two things: he would admit to
everything, or he says he's just not the same, and you began to wonder why you came."
humm if i'm a faithful person, i should just trust in him. i cant garentee anything in the future..
and i cant be sure if he would change his mind.. somehow if he changed, i couldnt blame him too.
we all have our difficulties.. and i slowly accepted that. i just hope that... if it is necessary need
to be ended, i just hope that we both can leave with the respect and faith.

that's my basic.... request... i mean.. if we can start nicely, why cant we be brave to face the end.
if i need to end a relationship, i would talk with the person, coz it s very iresponsible to leave a
relationship without leaving a reason or whatever. i think this is like the basic respect to the one i love.
he has the right to know what has been happening, right? even if it hurts, it still the fact and respect.
it takes courrage to do so.. but yea..

i m not saying we are done or over, and i dont want it end, seriously. i love him so much.
what i've been searching for is the answer.. and weird that... he seems like the key.
i undertsand that i shouldnt let my own happiness depends on him, and i dont mean to..
i have been influenced by him so much, and now i gotta count on myself. we are .. disconnected.
i used to be so scared and worried about this kind of situation. i am affected by the past
experience. now, seems like the things keep repeating again.. but.. i should ... just keep the fous
back on myself. coz.. i m living my life, not others to live my life. so.. yea.. i'm still the one..
even though he is not here, or the future is the unknown.. i should be hopeful about myself.

i guess i should thank him for my growth in life. it takes steps and a long time for me to have this
lesson, and slowly i learn to live a life with myself, and learn to love myself.
i m still learning. thanks Stephen.. i hope.. someday he would recieve my complement..
he is on my mind always.

my friends asked me...what if other guys come to me.. . hum... if it does happen, then i would see...
i m not saying.. i would go dating others or whatever.. it's just... the way it goes..
if your partner doesnt even care or wanna know who would approach you who wouldnt, then..
no matter how failthful or loyal you are, it's still no meaning, coz... yo are only doing this with yourself,
he or she is not involved. if it's based on trust, then it's another thing. but.. wait... how trust be constructed?
so... i guess..... there could be always something a person can do in a realtionship..
but if you do think you couldnt do anything, then ... maybe you should think of why.
my friend asked me.. there are many reasons why the relationship couldnt work out.. then....
if it's something like... conditioning problems, why the two of you couldnt try to work on it...
if you really care about that person a lot, i couldnt believe that why just cant do even a small thing
for him or her. do you remember when you two were in lvoe at the first place, you both were very
passionate to each others, really sincere, wanna give in to the relationship. that's how it started.
if the either of you have changed, really.. cant... then.. after some time, please face that... it's changed.
if you dont wanna try agin or work on it, tell him or tell her. let it end with its dignity. you know..
it's always much better than... just break it by one side in silence. that's really scary and unnecessary.

i have talked with my friend.. i hope she would understand.



anyway..
i miss Stephen. i wish someday, when the time comes, we can start our conversation again.
i'm trying to give in patient, not only to him, but... my life.

i miss him, i miss all my friends. i love them and my family.

James Taylor lyrics - Our Town


Long ago, but not so very long ago
The world was different, oh yes it was
You settled down and you built a town and made it live
And you watched it grow
It was your town

Time goes by, time brings changes, you change, too
Nothing comes that you can't handle, so on you go
Never see it coming, the world caves in on you
On your town
Nothing you can do.

Main street isn't main street anymore
Lights don't shine as brightly as they shone before
Tell the truth, lights don't shine at all
In our town

Sun comes up each morning
Just like it's always done
Get up, go to work, start the day,
Open up for business that's never gonna come
As the world rolls by a million miles away

Main street isn't main street anymore
No one seems to need us like they did before
It's hard to find a reason left to stay
But it's our town
Love it anyway
Come what may, it's our town.

>>September 25, 2007 at 5:23:39 PM GMT+8