2007 年 10 月 23 日 星期二 【晴】

hummmm
i m sooooo tired.. my body.. and my mind.


i got work today, there were some big troubles.
then.. i couldnt do much in the morning, so i just did my own things,
wrote journal, rested... had lunch...

back then had been busy...
then i have three classes with three stidents.
first was Fiona. then Alex, and Winnie.
i was so tired. but it was much better than just sitting doing administration work.
Fiona was still okay, i guess she should be fine. i hope. coz i didnt have time to prepare her any
mock exam, so i just did lots of revision with her, that's it.
Alex was not so fine. i am kindda worried for him. coz.. i dont know.. he seems very forgetful these
days, not very serious to learn i guess? he is still a kid so i dont blame him. but he is getting lazy.
so yea... and slowly, i m more like his friend and his mom. playing and teaching at the same time,
then taking care of him, listening at him about his stories at school. he likes me i know =)
i met this little boy since 1 year ago. he grows a little bit, still as naughty haha but adorable.
he is very innocent still, so i am very happy seeing him twice a week =)
then i have Winnie tonight. it was an adult class, oral class. hummm she is happy and hard working
with me. she really tries hard for every words. i know it was very difficult for her, i admire her.
she told me she likes me smling in class with her. she asked if i am always that happy.
i thank her and told her not. yea i dont know why when i 'm with teh students i am always happy.
i'm so happy to be around the kids. omg.. haha... dont know if it is good or bad.

Ella discussed with me that she has been looking for new teachers. males teachers are available now.
and still looking for female teachers. she wants some white teachers now. that's what i ve been
reminding her. we are actually facing some big compettition now. one more center is gonna oppen
very soon near to us in the same shopping mall. then yea.. hopefully, we could interview more
teachers soon. then Brett is still teaching here, he seems nice. but NOT JOEY or LEONA.
oh bitches, i start to dislike them now. Joey told Ella she is not teaching ANYMORE.
she showed up yesterday ! what does she want? Mendy told me Joey came teaching.
Leona just.. i dont know.. i dont talk to them anymore, i'm so sorry. i dont wanna talk with them.
and lucky that they dont contact me, only Ella. why wouldnt they call me anyway? coz they did
something bad behind me. i guessed Leona would quit soon after Joey and i was right. she did.
they are taking ard 6 classes per week, talking about ard 18 students affected coz of their short
notice. one quit, the other asked but didnt recieve the classes from anotehr one, and then she also quited.
i am not stupid, and dont try to fool me. you lied at first about your qualification, and now you did that
to me, step on me, tell lies about me. i think they re very stupid, still try to think i would arrange more
classes for you? or you would think i would beg you back since you two have 6 classes and kindda
"important" in our center? or you really think i'm nice with you so that you could take advantage on that?
screw you. i m so angry everytime i mentioned them. coz i found them very faked. not only me dislike
them now. Ella compliant, Mendy questioned, even May asked me about them. and i feel like cheated
and being stepped on. but i dont think i'm a loser, coz i lose nothing but the stupid them.


anyway... i saw Stephen on line and... yea.. i guess he is fine.
yea... i miss him.


i talk with Cap and Alessja today... hummm Cap is coming back to HK in Dec =)
i would love to meet her in this coming Christmas. at least i could feel warm with my close friend, yea?
=) i would buy her some hot chocolate. hee. then Alesja is sad. i wish her fine soon. i hope i oculd give
her a hug now, i wish i can share his sadness. wish her all the best.

>>October 24, 2007 at 6:04:44 PM GMT+8

2007 年 10 月 22 日 星期一 【晴】

Castor...
do you remember what you have told yourself?
you are not gonna give up so easily, do you remember?
so you canot give up now. 6 more hrs left, you will get through it.

try whatever to make yourself concentrate on your study, dont let it screwed.
love yourself, dont let it happen.
dont cry, dont panic. you cant wait for someone coming to support you, to hug you, to love you.
you have to get your own back, and you can do it.
try your really best, no matter what, you have to love yourself as you promised.
it is your life, and no one can really help if you dont be the first one to step front.
you have to bare in mind by hard.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



1 am

home now, hummmm i have done the exam..
it was.... not good. i think i have screwed it. omg..
i was so so blank, i was just trying ot write everything i know.
i wrote 7 pages in only 2 and half hrs. i usually write 8 or 9 pages for 3 hrs till everyone left.
this time... sigh....

but yea... it's done anyway, and i will have new classes at the begining of Nov.
good luck Castor..



i have been thinking of Stephen.

>>October 23, 2007 at 5:04:10 PM GMT+8

2007 年 10 月 21 日 星期日 【晴】

hi.

today i woe up at 1 pm i guess...
then i have been studying and eating my late breakfast till..... 3 30..
then i took a walk, accompany mom to pick up my sister from her school.
i got a coffee for myself.

back home resting and watching tv, then studyed again.
had dinner and tv and sweet soup. then yea, studyed again.

now is... 3 36 am already.. i'm no so confident for tomrrow exam. i am soooooooooo stressed....
i feel so empty about my exam. i dont know what i have in brain, i dont know if i have enough,
i dont know if i am okay or not, i find it so... blank.

this late morning i just find that i panic for my exams always.. and i'm kindda tired of exams.
i wonder if i really would like to do a master degree.
then in the afternoon, i called the school. i asked them how many courses left on my record.
i always think i would have 9 more courses... but they said i would only have 6 more, from the
coming term at the begining of Nov. i was surprised!! HOHOHO.
coz... i should be able to finish all courses by the begining of March.
they said coz... i havent submitted 6 credits from another colleges from the States, so they siad
i should have 8 more courses to do, (3 credits each course), but if i could admit the official transcript
to them later, i would have only 6 more courses!!! =) but then my Graduation ceremony would still
be in Dec 08. coz i wouldnt be able to get through all proceedures for the Grad 07 in time.
then yea.... still, i am happy about that =)

this afternoon, when i signed in to my MSN, i found something strange.
dont know what happened to my acc, seems like something changes... dont know if MSN is so smart
or i did it before but just forgot what i did, i mean... i lost the "tabs". did they cancel for me or i did it
for myself before? i didnt noice that till today. weird. and then... my screen name was a bit different too.
then.... some icons of the funtions were gone..... was that made by the MSN or by me?
say.... i'm thinking.... who have logged in my acc or... it was MSN or myself..
i shouldnt think too much.

anyway... yea... waiting...
and studying for tomorrow exam.
good luck Cas.

>>October 22, 2007 at 7:50:18 PM GMT+8

2007 年 10 月 20 日 星期六 【晴】

omg.

i rested the whole day, didnt study for a word.
i woke up like... 1 pm, then rushed out to have lunch with my family..
then walked ard with them, did some shopping, then walked home.

came on line, have been resting and making the cd, and then yea had dinner, rested.

hummmmmmmmmm omg... i find the exam is really hard.. i dont know how to handel it..
but i gotta try, right? hummmmm headache, next term i would have 3 courses..

anyway, yea, i would study tonight.
Bobo called me last night to ask about the exam, i told her i was sleeping, coz i dont wanna talk
with her. why would she need to ask if she comes to class and pay attention in class?
she doesnt like to come or always be late or early to leave, then she should have missed
some information, it makes sense. i think the most important thing is... i dont really like her.
she is not even my friend, and i know she doesnt like me as a friend as well.
so, why she pretends to be so friendly and nice ? i guess coz she needs the tips for the exam.
one time at school, in the washroom, she and her friend were laughing. i came out from the toilet,
and she imediately made comments on me, and i was shocked washing my hands. then i just
said bye and left. so weird. she's never called me or contacted me for good. she always want...
advantages.

anyway, i called Stephen last night. i dont know, i guess maybe he is too busy or whatever.
i hope somebody can tell me if i am so silly or stupid waiting for his reply.
it was not a big dissaster, just i was living so near to there, and he is in the city, so... i concern alot.
just wanna.. make sure he is alright. but maybe coz i have been concerning too much, so i m more
like a mother who tends to care for ppl, rather than being taking cared. in the other way saying i'm
more like a mom than a girlfriend. i hate that. when did i switch my role to be a guy's mom?
but.. yea... i guess i am telling myself that he is fine.

Umit talked to me today. he was angry. he asked me why i dont talk to him, i am very bad.
i told him sorry i couldnt talk with him. he was jealous when i told him about Stephen.
sigh. i dont wanna deal with these kinds of things. it's bothering me. it's like... well...
i dont wanna be rude but i shouldnt talk with him, coz he likes me. if it's just friendship i m ok.
but he is not okay. so yea.. and then... i dont like.. you know.. why he cares about me?
i dont tell him much about my relationship, but he wants to know. well i wanna be cared by my guy,
and he is too busy to give me time. i dont like my situation now. like last time i just blocked that guy.
coz it was giving me stress.

Alesja talked with me.. she talked about relationship, she shared with me..
then she also mentioned about... guys playing games with girls. omg.. i m ... so stupid.
before falling in love, i could play really well, but... you know.. i hate being lost when i'm in love.
but i asked Alesja.. why it has to be so complicated, why cant just be simple. if it is love, it is love.
she told me... coz guys wanna test the girls, to see what they can do with the girls.
then i said... if i keep doubting on the guy, then i couldnt really fall in love with him.
she said the guys wanna test if the girls like them, so they tested.
i asked so... the guys play games coz they wanna know if you like him, so.. he actually likes you too.
she said maybe the guy just wanna checks if he can only play with you, as in sex, not be serious.
i'm so lost. i could be a play girl too, but i dont want to be. i just want something solid and simple.
we could have fun together, we can play games sometimes, but not always. i'm dying.


anyway.. i'm studying tonight, i must.





PLAIN WHITE T'S LYRICS

"Hey There Delilah"

Hey there Delilah
What's it like in New York City?
I'm a thousand miles away
But girl, tonight you look so pretty
Yes you do
Times Square can't shine as bright as you
I swear it's true

Hey there Delilah
Don't you worry about the distance
I'm right there if you get lonely
Give this song another listen
Close your eyes
Listen to my voice, it's my disguise
I'm by your side

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me

Hey there Delilah
I know times are getting hard
But just believe me, girl
Someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar
We'll have it good
We'll have the life we knew we would
My word is good

Hey there Delilah
I've got so much left to say
If every simple song I wrote to you
Would take your breath away
I'd write it all
Even more in love with me you'd fall
We'd have it all

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me

A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they've got planes and trains and cars
I'd walk to you if I had no other way
Our friends would all make fun of us
and we'll just laugh along because we know
That none of them have felt this way
Delilah I can promise you
That by the time we get through
The world will never ever be the same
And you're to blame

Hey there Delilah
You be good and don't you miss me
Two more years and you'll be done with school
And I'll be making history like I do
You'll know it's all because of you
We can do whatever we want to
Hey there Delilah here's to you
This ones for you

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me.

>>October 21, 2007 at 4:55:00 PM GMT+8

2007 年 10 月 19 日 星期五 【晴】

today when i washed up in the washroom, i heard the news.
there was a plane crash in Richmond. i was shocked.
firstly i thought of Stephen imediately.. suprised the first person i thought of is he..
i was kindda.. worried.
coz it said it was somewhere near to the airport.

then... i checked the news, it didnt tell detials.
i called Stephen, Ade and Cyn..
Ade and Cyn are okay. they didnt know about that accident till i called.
i dont know about Stephen. he didnt asnwer my call.

back to work late... then... yea kept my eyes on news.
i guess Stephen should be okay.. but yea.. later i heard that the two residents injured are Chinese.
the pilot is dead. dont know why it crashed though.
i contacted a few friends in Van, they are all okay. hummm i hope Stephen is fine.
dont want anything bad happened.

i didnt go out for lunch, was kindda worried for stuffs, i was only chatting with friend, Dereck, on line.
well, he is so young but sounds quite mature. i dont believe his age is like only 17 or 18.
but we are friends. he's like my little brother. then i rushed to some bakery to get a hotdog.

after work, i just back home, very tired and stressed.
i watched the movie, "Because I Said So." it was so sweet. i was laughing, but i wanted to cry at
a few moments. well, mother. and that guy was so cute. he really understands that girl.
omg, how could that be so nice. silly girls are always blessed, but why not me?
haha maybe i'm blessed already, and i just need to be patient, to wait.

Dereck told me about my face and future things. he has lots of diff interests. i guess one of his is
the horoscope and fortune telling. hee. i m happy about that usually. there were quite a few ppl,
like 3 or 4 have given me some words. and all of them said i would have a very loving future,
i would be happy with my family and sucessful in my career path. well, all telling me my face is a
"nice" one so i would be blissful. thanks, i do hope them coming true soon.
Dereck told me that... my relationship would get better, there would be some possitive changes
between me and my boyfriend, so that we would forget our sad past and have a happy start over.
i dont tell Dereck much about my relationship, i should say i dont tell guys much about my relationship.
they usually know i have a boyfriend in Canada, i have visited him in Spring.
anyway, yea... well hopes are nice, right? i do hope so.

anyway, hummmm my exam.... i'm kindda stuck.. coz... yea............. i am a bit lost in reading..
good luck Cas...
i need to prepare well, coz.. i m sure everyone would just do fine, and i have to try my really best,
dont be so lazy Castor..

on my mind, i m still thinking of the accident there. it's like... from this morning till now, all i wanna do is
to make sure he is fine, so that i wouldnt keep thinking of this. i just want him to tell me that he is fine.
it's not that how impossible he was influenced in the accident. it's about the concern on him and
i just wish to hear him saying he is okay, so i dont have to be worried. i do believe that he should be
fine, but just.... a bit worried but dont wanna worry.

and there was one more shocking news in Surrey, BC. 6 bodies found in the appartment. it was
murdered ? it was scary. but yea... dont know what happened, wiaitng for the investigation.

i am not there anymore, but still concern about what is going on there. i dont know why but just
yea.


anyway... i did something crazy today, and i m gonna make a cd =)
hummmm
then yea, i wanna prepare well my exam then can have fun ~
love my life and live my life !

>>October 20, 2007 at 5:45:50 PM GMT+8

2007 年 10 月 18 日 星期四 【晴】

hi.

today i woke up ard 10 30, slept again then till 11am...
hummm rushed to go... today, the public holidy, we went to Tseun Wan, we visited grandma's grave.
so yea, mom and me, then with lots of aunts and uncles.. just went there.

then after that, we had dim sum together.. then Sheila, me and aunt Ching walked ard in some
shopping mall in Tseun Wan. hummm it was okay... dad came then mom and dad left.
then yea... after awhile, Sheila and Ching just sent me to the bus stop, then i took bus back to Tai Po.
then i shopped in the book store, then walked back to Tai Wo, we ate out tonight in Maxim's Chinese
Resturant. it was very nice. back home resting... thinking about my exam again..

kindda stressed, but i'm thinking what about next term, i would have three courses coming.
it would be very heavy for me. coz all three courses are not easy. Counselling Tec is hard and
important. Critical Thinking is really important too, and this is a new professor, so yea..
then Adjustment, it is a tough course as well, must be lots of theories stuffs. hummmmm...

tomorrow i need to work... my family would be visiting some dad's friend. dad would have a very
big gathering party with his friends. i think this is good. coz.. all the friends of dad are married.
some are with children, some are not. but they keep very long friendship. so.. tomorrow would be
like the reunion i guess hahahaha.. then, one aunt is just back from Canada, it s been long havent
seen her since i was small. she wanted to see me coz she used to like me alot.

and yea..... i need to study hard for my exam. Personality is a major core.. so yea..
then, i need to renew my study plan with school, i think i should have 9 more courses to do...
then i am going to take 3 courses in the coming term, i would have 6 left. i just need to confirm it
with school.

and i have thought of him and some friends.

>>October 19, 2007 at 6:24:29 PM GMT+8

2007 年 10 月 17 日 星期三 【晴】

hi.

today, i woke up then rushed to work.
hummmmmm i was studying and checking my paper this morning.
then.. yea.. afternoon have been busy. got some discussion with Ella about the doc for the Gov,
doing some maths, and yea.. making calls to diff ppl.
then she discussed with me about the new teachers. well, we are really looking for new teachers.
she also compliant Leona to me. that means i wasnt wrong on her.
anyway, i have two classes, with Alex and with Fiona. we are working on the exams.
they are both okay. Fiona improves her attitude. and Alex is getting more naughty.
i punished him today. coz he was too naughty. when he is tired, he tends to be naughty.
he is a happy boy, i m sure he would grow up as a strong guy later. sigh. he is smart, i just
hope that his parents wont spoil him. then yea... he is not that bad actually. just being too naughty,
and those really influence him much on concentration. i think his parents must be too permissive to him.
Fiona is more okay then last year. i was so pissed at her sometimes. i remember she made me
wanna cry. i told Stephen sometimes about this girl. she made me headache everyweek with her.
but today she is okay. well i'm happy. and she shared with me her new toy. haha. cute.

then yea... after class, i studyed again... then i walked home.

yea. i'm okay.
tomorrow my aunts, mom and me would go to grandma's grave.
public holiday tomorrow. i wanna rest, but take it as a chance to take a breath~



i thought of a song..
後窗知己 Kay Tse


某次看見你
i saw you one time
面帶隱隱傷悲
your face was sad
無故憤慨振雙臂
you shake your arms, seem without reasons.
閉目皺眉
you closed your eyes and being frown

四周彷彿沒有趣味
there is no fun in your surrounding
躲於家中關閉起
you hide up at your home
零食碎屑與汽水罐
the crumbs from snack and cans
擁抱你
are hugging you

遠遠細看你
watching you from far
為究竟辛苦自己
dont know why you have to be suferring
無意去隔窗窺秘
i didnt mean to peep at you from that window
卻又好奇
but i am curious


為了爭吵沒有勝利
is that coz of losing in some arguement?
或是壓力未能避
or you re too stressed?
還是女友遠去千里
or your girlfriend is gone to somewhere thousnad miles away far?
極迷離
it's a really vague sence

沉迷暗裡揣摩你
i dive into dark to try understanding you
假想千種虛構境地
making thousands assumptions of situations
遐想中推敲真理
try to find the truth in hypothesis

潛藏暗處欣賞你
i hide in the dark to admire you
漆黑中增添了旖旎
in the dark, i find it more romantic and charming
大廈沒有距離
there is no distance in this building
鄰居變做知己
neighbour becomes close friend

提供每日的希冀
giving me hopes everyday

有次看見你
one time i saw you
面對相簿嘆着氣
you sigh when you watch your photo ablum
盤算有個她跟你
you were thinking maybe there was a she
某日已別離
she left someday

是你心思未夠細膩
was that you not caring enough?
或是雙方心已死
or were you both wanna give up?
還是搭上你的好友
or, she had an affair with your friend?
拋棄你
she dumped you?

沉迷暗裡揣摩你
i fall in the darkness to try investigate on you
假想千種虛構境地
thinking about thousands of situations
遐想中推敲真理
figuring what truth could be

潛藏暗處欣賞你
in the dark, i admire you.
漆黑中增添了旖旎
and i find it beautiful in the dark
大廈沒有距離
no more distance
無知者想揭秘
the innocent me wanna know what re the secrets behind

卻發覺照片中的你
but.. i found you in the photo that...
搭着是我感覺細膩
and ... with my ..sensitive feelings
原來自己應該識你
i think i should know you... i know you.

過去快鏡般閃起
the pieces of the past just flashed in my eyes
是道路意外使我倒地
it was the road accident made me falling down
靈魂別我遠離
and then the soul left my body
從此隔別 兩地
after that, we are apart in two worlds.

如今靠洞察入微
now, i can only rely on observations
憑窗眺望偷窺你
peeping you from this window

>>October 18, 2007 at 5:26:39 PM GMT+8

2007 年 10 月 16 日 星期二 【晴】

hi

hummmmmm

i worked today. i walked to the office, nice walk.
then had been studying and then wrote my journal for the counselling.

then... had lunch by myself.. i had sushi take-out. i ate and rested in the classroom.
after lunch, had been busy, Ella's back. then yea she has been talking with me as well.
hummm she has problems.. so as a friend, of course i'm here for her.

i have Alex today... very tired but naughty Alex. he cries... he is such a baby sometimes.
i know it was hard for him, so yea i let him rested for awhile, then we continoued.
hummm it was okay i guess. then yea Ella told me, Fiona is back..
i will have her starting from tomorrow. i thought she wouldnt be back coz she didnt really listen
to me, i thought she didnt like the class with me. anyway, she is back.

then yea.. after class, had to talk with Brett, humm then fixing some problems and talking with
Richard. hummmm Brett is okay, but not Joey. i dont like Joey now. she is such a bitch.
she lied and put the fault on me. she accursed me that she has told me she wouldnt come on every
Sat. IT's NOT TRUE. she told me she would be absent for one Sat, coz of the school camp. i was
happy for her about the school camp when she told me. and now she told Ella that she had told me
for long she wouldnt come on every Sat, and doesnt leave us any time to find another teacher.
she is so bad. then Leona, her sister called right after, that she asked me if she could take over
all Joey's class. she said she wanted more class, she wanted me to arrange for her.
i was like "FORGET IT." i told her i would try but ctually i dont really want a "Japanese style" girl, who
speaking bad English teaching in our center. Her eglish is even worse than me, and she doesnt look
like a teacher at all. she mostly like the playful japanese girl who would be playing ard in Mong Kok.
why she is here coz Joey introduced to Ella. now i think about that and i think Joey is a liar. she has been so faked to me actually. i dont like her as in... she is pretending something always.
she told Ella that Leona is also native. WTH? even Joey herself is not real native. she was born in
Canada but she grows in HK. and her sister Leona, she is always in HK in Local schools.
i would not arrange classes for them anymore. if Mendy does that, then i dont care, but not me.
i would rather finding new real Native teachers. these two girls are liars and they dont actually
teach well. well, when i think about all the pieces in the past, now i understand they re liars.
anyway.. i dont trust them. if you lie to me, or step on me, dont expect that i would be so nice with you
again. you better leave me alone, otherwise i might make it double back to you.
i really really hate ppl, who i treated as friends, steping on me or setting me up. i am not stupid, bitch.
and i guess that's why after she complaint to Ella, she had never called me for help the schedule anymore,
she directly called Ella. what a bitch. look, probably Leona would do the same. i'll wait and see.

anyway... yea i am kindda angry. i have told Ella about these too.
then about Brett, i was sorry for him, coz it wasnt me fixing his schedule as well. we used to be able
to talk more in the center. but coz of Joey, i dont want. he is her guy anyway, so i dont wanna be
friend with him. he is a good teacher, but i m sorry. i guess i dont wanna use someone i couldnt trust.
unless... he shows us that he worths our trust. so.. i start looking for new real native teahcers now.


i have been studying today.. it was okay..
then... i have news from school about my text books. i could buy one in the very cheap price, through
the school. then the other two... i might just borrow it from the school library or buy another cheaper
one. i dont know. if i order it, it takes 4-6 weeks to deliever from the States. then it costs like $830
after dicount. it's too expensive.

then yea, i have tried to talk with Stephen.. i guess he is too busy..
anyway... good luck.

>>October 17, 2007 at 6:21:41 PM GMT+8

2007 年 10 月 15 日 星期一 【晴】

time flys.

Fall comes. it's kindda windy tonight. it was cool.
then mom said now is already mid- Oct.. Winter will be coming soon.
soon to be Halloween, then would be soon to prepare for Christmas. then after Christmas,
we would prepare for the Chinese New Year. then Spring comes again.
oh yea.. i started my new life in Sping. but now, i'm already tinking about the coming Spring, means..
half year is definitely gone, and i am thinking about the coing Spring, coz i'm sure this half year would
pass very fast too.


tonight i have class. it was nice. we did some great thing tonight.
all of us work on some personality approach design. it took a long time but creative.
it was challenging but yea i guess we did the good job. got lots of discussion in class.
i got my paper back. i got 86%. hummmm i know some ppl get 89, the highest one i guess.
i'm okay with my score.. coz. i have tried my best. come on, 2 nights work only, hahaha.
and it was on my trip, so pretty well done i guess. it was a tough question actually.
i know if i spent more time on it, maybe two more days, then i probably can get an A, means 90%.
now it's not bad, and i got the comment from Dr. Chan. it was not bad actually.
and on the last part of my paper, almost the end of the conclusion, he wrote "Good!".
its my first time to have his complements on my paper.

well, i understand that i am not a very out standing student anymore, as in, i did fail on my HKCEE,
and i am studying in an international university. i used to have lots of awards and some schlorship,
but not now anymore, coz i have failed to go for A-Level. so... i expect ppl would doubt on my
study now, as in maybe everyone can enroll the programme so it's not a very good programme.
it might be below the standard. but i dont understand why my qualification should be justified,
since i have also taken international test, our school is recgonized legally, and our school has its
high standard on student's acadamic performance. like my old school, the State university,
it was a very harsh school, as in only one or two ppl can get an A on each course, but A means
80something % above. in a big class like 40 ppl, most of the students get C or D only.
now, my school is like lots of studnets get B, some studnets fail and get C, a few could get an A.
now 70% is C, 80% is B, 90% is A. it's hard to get an A. so if i could get an A, it means i m up to
standard even if i am in another school, right? even if i get a B, it's pretty not bad too. it is not that
easy to get a B anyway. i guess students doing well is because of the way how the teacher teaches.
i dont know, i dont wanna comment too much on these anymore. i just know there are end less
comparisions in the world.
i've been thinkign to do a master degree. but i know it wont be easy, especailly i'm not going to the
States for that. then if i dont do it after grad next year, i would work. i think i could go back to my
study later on if i really really wanna do it.

today is the last lesson, and we have talk about... why ppl would feel unhappy.
from The Humanistic Approach, the conflicts between the Ideal Self and the Real Self makes us
unhappy. and in class, at the begining, Dr. Chan required us to think of our own Ideal Self and the
Real self. he wanted us to write them down and share with the class. everyone just stood out
there talk out loud, except me. finally i didnt go, i skipped.

my Ideal Self was...
i think i am a very strong person. i think i am able to do everything i want. i think i am so adorable.
i think i could be sucessful in the future, and i think i am in love with the right person.

my Real Self was...
i guess i am a weak person, everyday trying to work hard, strive for what i want. i dont know what
i deserve, so i dont have my limit. i take whatever ppl give me. even though i might be sad but i took
them on my own. i dont know how to against the sadness. i m learning to love myself more, just by
realizing i wanna be loved, and firstly by myself. i take days as they come. maybe i'm living in crisis,
but i'm coping with that. i am quite independent, but i wonder maybe it is not what i wanna be.
but i m glad that this is me. i m hoping that i am walking toward my sucessful future, my dreams.

then some studnet shared, and said.. the Ideal self of her is to make herslef happy, coz she wants
others to be happy. if she is not happy then others wont be happy coz she is sad.

i understand that our real self esteem shouldnt be constructed by how much we have or how others
think about us. it should be from ourselves, by understanding our potentials and trying to acheive them.
not like how much i can do in a test or compare myself with others. however we are living in a society,
living with others, so we couldnt stop doing these in our life. coz this is life and what we need to
experience. we grow in years. some how, i know how stressful my life was, coz i realize how much
i need to do at times, and i was always trying to do more and more to acheive my own standard for
myself. now i know it is silly, but i still do it. coz i am changed, as in now i know why i wanna do good
is not so as to compare with others, to get awards, but to tell myself that i have tried my best, so i wont regret.
i dont like comparing, so i didnt really care about those. but then i am compared with others by my
parents or realitives, or friends or classmates. but now, i dont care anymore... only when i need to
think about the master intake, then i would have a problem. and i am thinking if it is really what i wanna
do. i do it for whom ?

if i have the dream too far apart from what i can do, i would be only stressing myself more and more,
then i wouldnt be happy living under the chasing dreams. if i say i am only a small person in this world,
what i can do is to only live my life well and experience my everyday, would it be more easlier?
sure it should be. i got a little dream, all i want is... to be happy living with the person i love.
most down to earth, the most inner voice telling me that it is all i want after all.
i wanna do myself a favor that... to understand the reality, and the "here and now".
i think i need to know if my boyfriend really shares the same value on this with me.
if he is, then, we need to do something in real. if what we do is making him unhappy, then...
we really need to discuss on how to change the situation a little bit if we can, or...
we should try to find the better way for us, what would make us happier.


The Conditions of Worth.
As we grow up, our parents, teachers, peers, the medias, and others, only give us what we need
when we show we are "worthy", rather than just because we need it.
We get a drink when we finish our class, we get something sweet when we finish our vegetables,
and most importantly, we get love and affection if and only if we "behave!"
this is the "Conditional Posstive Regard."
because we do indeed postiive regard, these conditions are very powerful, and we bend ourselves
into a shape determinded, not by our organismic valuing or our actualizing tendency, but by a society
that may or may not truly have our best interests at heart. "A good little boy or girl" might not be a
healthy or happy boy or girl.

i wanna be happy person in stead of the perfect in shaped.
i appreciate ppl being honest tell me what they want me to be like, this or that, or compromise.
but i would truely ask that if it makes me unhappy, then is it really what they want me to do.
i know i would do whatever if it's good for others and if the ppl re my concern.

>>October 16, 2007 at 6:58:15 PM GMT+8

2007 年 10 月 14 日 星期日 【晴】

hi.

hummmmm..

today i woke up then rushed to go...
i went to Mendy's new shop, it was the grad opening day, i was there for 10 mins,
then i rushed to go to Central to have my counselling.

hummmm... today... she gave me a toss. said i finally start to love myself more.
i was so happy to share with her how i am changed in he past two weeks, what did i do and stuffs.
then yea, updated her about my life, like work, study, and realtionship.
hummm we have a very long session today. it was fine.
then i couldnt answer her the questions. then she gave me the answers.
i have the other questions now. hummm i am going back in 1 month this time.
i think lots could happen in 1 month.


then i went to TST, i had McDonald's. it was okay. then i met Shan in Harbour City.
she looks pretty today. then we walked to East TST, we discussed about the resturants there.
pretty nice walk. then we took train back to Tai Po. we had tea time at some chinese resturant.
then she sent me home, i was too tired.
well, she met otehr friend to visit a friend, Denis, who is in the hospital now.
i wanted to go visiting but i was too tired.
back home rested for awhile, then i took a nap. then.. yea woke up and had dinner.

i start to think about my text book ordering and the coming final exam.
omg.. i dont know what i'm going to do..
sigh.... i wouldnt deny that Shan was right. i actually have so much to do about money.
every month is really tight, i dont know if i am worried or not. i just know this is what i have monthly,
and within the month, there re lots of expenses i need to be aware of. so... what can i do ?
probably just... try to reduce the expenses, that's all i can do.
and one more thing.. i need to save money for the coming Spring time. i am planing for a trip.
if i say i need some sponsors, i guess everyone would just run away or say i'm so silly.
yes, i m very silly. why would i need to make this trip anyway? humm... coz this is what i wanna do.

at the same time, i remind myself a lot of things.
i want an apology, in 1 month.
i'm giving a chance for some renewal, giving a chance for myself.
if i wanna put down all the barerriers, then i need to face my past and... give myself an apology.


i chatted with Stephen last night before sleep. it was good.

i hope for the best.




>>October 15, 2007 at 4:38:31 PM GMT+8