2007 年 9 月 23 日 星期日 【晴】




hahaha..
i love the fortun cookies..
and i like the loonies.



usually, i would spend 1 loonie and a few dimes on a donut. i love TimHortons.
ususlly i have a few dimes in my bag, and if i pass by TimHortons and got a loonie, i would go in
to get a honey cruller or maple dip. my fav there..

fortun cookies.... i love them alot. everytime when Alesja and i went to Downtown, we usually
have bubble tea, and thne sometimes we go for Chinese fast food. and i would buy her fortun cookies.
coz at that time we were both not very happy, then i hope to bring some fun to her.
i keep the small paper everytime.. somehow i dont know where they re now. i lost them.

anyway... back to today..
i dont have appointment with my consellor today. she said i need time on my own,
i m going back on Oct 2, Tue.

i woke up ard 12, washed up and busy doing some work, then go out with my parents.
we had lunch, then mom and i went to Ikea. i shopped for the color pen there and one more box.
it's a pink one ^^ so nice !
then back to Tai Po, i shopped for some materials for Wed... hummmmm i'm worried for Wed actually...
i m worried coz.. we have been running out of time, i think we didnt catch on time,
like... today is Monday, and then Edgar sent the parents notice very late.. so.. i m thinking.... if there
would be .... studnets coming on Wed. i m kindda worried. and that's also why i cant expect how
much materials i have should prepare.

i m doing this tonight. coz tomorrow i would have the meeting with Rami and Edgar.
hummm i'm afraid. sigh. anyway.. do my best, no regrets, YESH!

back home resting, eating and watching tv, then i took a nap, then had dinner.
so tired..
now, i just found that i actually need to deal with the SFAA.. ahhhhhhh.... sigh....
i'm so freaking tired.. i need to pay the payment, i ve been over due, and i didnt send the doc to
the Gov to ask them to release my cheque.. then my deferment on my loan required my reciept
of my course payment. omg.. it's so complicated. there re two departments hurrying me doing
different things. the loan department takes 3 weeks to release my cheque. i'm so lost..
i dont understand why the hell could be so complicated. why dont they just combine to one
department, and one agent follow one student case ? i'm so tired dealing with them. i'm soooo sick of
them. they're not helpful, but burning my energy and wasting my time.
that's how Gov do things, complicated and slow proceedures. but when they ask you for money,
very quick, very efficent.

i talk with Alesja last night.. and i was watching tv till very late. i called Stephen..
i just left him voice mesg.

anyway.... yea.. i'm stressed..

hummmmmm yup.
after Wed, i would focus on my paper. i read some articiles already, but i still havent catch the ideas
clearly yet. i need some time. and i had been thinking of it, like... actually there could be a lot to write
about. and i connect them with the daily life responsiblities and the growth.. i found something.
i might put them on my paper as well.

i would be pretty busy till i go to China in the end of this month. and actually i might need to bring my
paper to China, while i could stay in a more relax enviornment, i would work on my paper completely.
hummmmmmmmm actually i dont know how much the trip would cost, but aunt Pricsilla is gonna
pay for me first. but i need to pay my transportation.
hummmmm... yea... traveling with school work, not so wise, but if i dont have enough time, then..
i gotta do that instead of rushing it, right?

oh yea... i need to re send the resgistration form for my next term course intake..
dad forgot to help me to fax today.. hummm..


sigh..
be bright back.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

now it's 5 23 am
i have done some works, then.. i want to rest, but i felt strong stomach ache..
omg..
where's the medicine...

anyway.. i wont die of it... i'm thinking about Wed and tomorrow meeting.

good night Castor.. wish you good sleep, then tomrrow shine again.
and wishing tomorrow and Wed sunny, and wishing there would be more than 40 ppl coming..
sigh... i just know that... actually this funtion really cant make money, but i hope that what we have
done for this party could bring us more possitive news coming along. it's a promotion time anyway.
and i really hope that there would be more than 20 students joining courses in Oct.
so there would be possible to have more than 30 ppl in Nov and Dec, that i would quite in Nov or Dec.

even though running a business is not my dream, but this would be the really great experience in life.
i'm 21, i will grad in 22. by then i would have a more stable job about teaching, also my little business.
then i would apply to the airline again or apply for the Master Degree programme in Education,
focus on Child Development and Education. i hope i would sucess, or ... i dont know..
i hope to get marry and have my own family before 25, from 21. hahaha.. means.. now. hahaha.
so after 10 years, i would be only 31, but then i would have a husband and kids, and probably a
career, maybe a FA, or a business woman, or psychologist, or consellor, or therapist. i hope... =)
or just a house wife would be fine too =)

>>September 24, 2007 at 9:40:12 PM GMT+8

2007 年 9 月 22 日 星期六 【晴】

i woke up ard 1 30pm... so tired...

then i imediately rushed sending file to Rami, but i got the connection problem..
so it spent me an hr to do it which i used to need only a few mins. bleh...
then watched tv and had lunch, then washed up.. i took a long shower....
i needed it so much..
then i planed to take a walk, but then had been doing some work with Rmi,
then i didnt go out, just stayed home resting and watch vcd. i got this movie so long ago,
but havnt time to finish. today i finally get it done ~~~~
yay~~~ i was kindda touched heehee..
it's quite nice, Music and Lyrics. cool. i love the songs.
"Way BAck into Love", "Dont Write Me Off." so nice, so touching..
i still havent found "Dont Write me Off" yet... hummm it's a nice song..
well, i find myself kindda similar with the girl in this movie. coz i'm a weak person as well,
as in... i couldnt... you know... walk away the shadow.. i'm always.. you know.. blind myself inside..
the guy was funny actually. and finally he got the courage and steped front for himself as well.
it was touching my heart. the girl gave him some support, the courage and inspiration.
everything just make him realize and understand himself more, and eventually be brave to explain
his song to the singer. this is the kind of growth we talk about everyday, i mean not nexessary as in
everyday but just... it's our life issue ard us always... who could actually do this or walk this anyway...?

hummm so here you go... the music video castor.

2007 年 9 月 21 日 星期五 【晴】

i wokred. i had time to get myslf a coffe and harshbrown.

had been working... humm at lunch time, i just back home..
did some make up and rested.. then i walked back to office.
yup walked.
i'm more used to walking now. coz.. since i dont have much time and energy for jogging,
i start walking in stead.

working... still had time chatting with Cap and Dereck. hummmmmm..

after work, Miki came picking me up. we went to Admirtly together..
we met Rami and Sunny tonight. we catch up then discussed on our stuffs.
hummmmmmm Miki was bored i know. then nevermind.. She had fun though.
and got lots of catch up with Rami. he seems much better than 2 months ago.
was that 2 months? i forgot but Sunny said so, never mind, not the point.
then yea... he seems doing better now. i'm happy for him. coz the last time i saw him, he was
still struggling over something, he didnt tell me much but i saw him tired and sad.

hummm.. anyway.. back home got a fight at home again.
i thik i really need to move out once i have enough money.
my parents really dont know how to respect me, on one hand they love me, on the other hand they
hurt me ! my sister was just so wrong and rude, and they didnt see it, they only think it was me
shouting out words. what about she?? didnt you know that?! heard that?!
i have already told her that i need her to help me to record the tv programme which is about my
studies, and mom said okay ! i told them the time of that show is not regular need to check the time table.
when they got home, she said she forgot to renew something on the internet,
then she has been fixing it ! i told her that my show would be probably starting at 12 the earliest !
then what the hell when i got home, she was just surfing on line, then i foudn the programme started !!!
then i asked her why didnt she help me, then she yelled at me like telling me she had been busy,
and she still didnt mean to help me to press the buttom to record the show ! and DAM THAT she and
dad are the only ppl who understand how to use that machine!
i saw her surfing the net and she was not doing her busy thing at all! then she said okay now i helped
you to check the time table ! WHAT THE !!?? You know the show have started already !
and everytime she is like that ! i was so angry ! i was angry coz she was not busy at all !
then mom told me ok nevermind, dont care, she was busy. SHE WAS BUSY???
WHO the hell is gonna believe that??? YOU only. then dad started to shout like i was losing my temper.
who i think i am somethign like that ! i was so angry at him, i talked back like oh yea whatever you
think then ! he said he could shut the machine down right now. i was so angry at him !
it was not my fault t all ! and he was like showing his power over me! WHAT ?!
and actually, she doesnt let me watching tv at room when she "needed" to do her homework..
she claimed that was disturbing her ! OKAY.
but then... when she wants, sometimes she switched on the tv while she was doing her homework !
i told mom about these, but i know they wouldnt think i'm right.
LAME ! LAME and LAME! you know why i hate she is doing thigns like this?! coz she's such a bitch
thinking whatever she thinks is right with her attitude.
you always got the long time at home, you dont manage your time, and you also ruien others schedule
in life, and stop talking to me like i'm the one who is disturbing you, YOU re the one who block other
ppl's way as well ! OPEN YOUR EYES. have you tried to match with others?! i cant see it !
you would do it as in forced by, but what the hell re you thinking? why i have to step back
while you re showing me your STUPID ATTITUDE. you think i cant shout?! i could do it back too.
dad is just so disrespecting everytime we got a fight. he doesnt focus on the thing, he focus on person.
but it's so stupid. everytime is liek that, when my sister gets rude, he doesnt care much.
but if it is me, or Miki, then we are disrespected by his words then. it s so unfair.
i d never said it so clear before, but now i'm not gonna accept it in silence anymore.
she is 15 now, and when i was 15, i was not like her, and i was not allowed too.
why the hell today she is permitted to do that to me?


sigh.. i'm so tired..
i dont know why i dont feel well recently.. my head and my eyes..
i dont knwo what happened.
sometimes i feel like my eyes are gonna pop out. and my brain is like swollen? inside my head...
so weird, it's not like headache but something wrong in my head and with my eyes,
i dont understand and i feel like i'm losing my spoken Eng. i need time to thhink before i speak.
and i speak as much Eng as before, why i m like losing it now? so weird.
anyway.. maybe i'm dying.. and true that we are all dying everyday since we re born.
i remember someone told me before.


i'm so feeling unwell..
i still need to work on the stuffs for the party. and i discuss with Rami tonight..
he should be able to make the test on time, but i need to help him on the picture test..
sigh. i'm a bit worried for the courses. a bit rushy but yea.. i hope they would be fine.

i'm thinking of my own assignment too. i still havent time finishing the articles, and i dont have much
ideas for my writting. i m thinking.. what approach i m gonna take or how i'm gonna write.
i have many many things on my mind now.. kindda messy life..
and my family make me even mroe stress. i cant even relax when i'm home. it's so stupid.
it's more like the hotel for me but it's not very healthy. i feel stressed at night when i'm home.

>>September 22, 2007 at 6:54:31 PM GMT+8

2007 年 9 月 20 日 星期四 【晴】

hey..

today i woke up then rushed to work.
back to office, quite free today.. had been doing research on the Master degree admission.
i'm checking on UBC, and some other Universities in the States.
then i also check my courses... i'm thinkinig which courses i am going to take.
there are lots of choices this time... but i need to take Skills and Stratergies in Helping Professions,
which is the Counselling Techniques. then i wanna take Critical Thinking.
so... i'm thinking... if i should take Human Services or Adjustment.
i guess i probably take Adjustment.

anyway... i'm not actually working at all. so tired, so lazy..
got chated with Kiana for a short while.. i miss her...
i had lunch with mom, we had Curry Rice. then.. i did some shopping at the book store,
then back to office...

anyway.. i was looking forward for the dinner with Shan tonight..
but she was busy, she didnt come. then.. i just went home.

i was very angry and upset last night, i didnt sleep well. i was so tired but couldnt sleep.
then when i woke up, i was still with the bad mood.. sigh..
it's not that i hate my mom or my sister, i was just upset coz i find my only entertainment in a week
is gone. then tonight dinner is canceled as well.

humm i'm so tired, i dont wanna prepare much for tomorrow meeting with Rami.
i'm thinking i might just make it as easlier as i can.. Miki might come along, coz.. she would be home
by herself tmr night. parents and Leggy would be out having dinner in Sai Kung with the realitives.

well, the Fall is coming really? next week would be the Moon Festival, very very soon.
it makes me think of Stephen though. we started last year, in the early Sep. i have been missing him recently.
does he miss me too?


anyway...
i wanna learn to live life happier... where is my happiness? inside me or depends on others?
should be inside me. but.. i feel like something is missing still...

Ella and Richard fight today in the office, it was just some small matters, i dont understand why they
had a fight. for me, it didnt make sense. if Richard was really sick, and she did know his charaters,
she must have already knew he would be irretated. Ella would think coz he's a man, he shouldnt
show attitude even when he was sick. for me, i dont know... i guess Ella is a hot temper person as
well. maybe this is just the way they like and it works for them.

i wanna get marry too. i wanna get settle down with the man i love. this is very complicated actually.

i still remember the cd from Stephen last year.. i gave it named Baby Songs.
this is one of the Baby Songs i love... "Always on Your Side."
i guess some ppl are always like that... when you know that you got someone always on your side,
you wouldnt cherrish the person or you would just keep drifting away. but i really hope that..
ppl wouldnt be afraid in a realtionship, coz.. i think we should be brave, to protect our little faith in love.
it's really tough and hard... but if you really love someone, why couldnt you just put that person in your
heart and also on your mind, not just only leaving them on yourside waiting for you. you should
cherrish that you're so lucky being loved with someone you actually love. if you dont love that person,
then why not just make it clear in words or any ways that the person could understand...
once some chances passed, they re gone. how many years you could spend on this keep losing
the ppl you love in your life and making excuses to yourself that someone might be better coming
along, or say i still have time. maybe you have many things to do, and the relationship means nothing
much at the moment to you now. or you have many many reasons pulling you back. but you know...
it's bull shit, you know how unique every person is, every relationsip is. if the person has been your
only one, are you really willing to let your lvoe pass by? if it's really your chocie, i'm shame on you.
coz you d never learnt what love is like, and that's why you keep hurting yourself and others.
while you know the person has been still waiting for you, i guess it's time for you to think twice and
do something. be real faithful, not just by saying, actually to do something.




SHERYL CROW
"Always On Your Side"

My yesterdays are all boxed up and neatly put away
But every now and then you come to mind
Cause you were always waiting to be picked to play the game
But when your name was called, you found a place to hide
When you knew that I was always on your side

Well everything was easy then, so sweet and innocent
But your demons and your angels reappeared
Leavin' all the traces of the man you thought I'd be
Leavin' me with no place left to go from here
Leavin' me so many questions all these years

But is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are you left to wonder, all alone, eternally
This isn't how it's really meant to be
No it isn't how it's really meant to be

Well they say that love is in the air, but never is it clear,
How to pull it close and make it stay
Butterflies are free to fly, and so they fly away
And I'm left to carry on and wonder why
Even through it all, I'm always on your side

But is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are you left to wonder, all alone, eternally
This isn't how it's really meant to be
No it isn't how it's really meant to be

Well they say that love is in the air, never is it clear
How to pull it close and make it stay
If butterflies are free to fly, why do they fly away
Leavin' me to carry on and wonder why
Was it you that kept me wondering through this life
When you know that I was always on your side

>>September 21, 2007 at 5:10:30 PM GMT+8

2007 年 9 月 19 日 星期三 【晴】

today... i just couldnt get up..
i was in bed. i couldnt get up.. i felt something wrong but i couldnt tell what happened.
then i finally got back to office at 4 pm. i took half day off.

then had been busy since i was back to office. then.. Alex didnt come.
i have prepared some pictures for him, i promised him i would show him my pictures in primary school,
coz i was in the same primary school with him. then i had class with Julia. she is very sweet.
she is smart and sweet.

i was like... something wrong. i have the very heavy feelings, but i dont know where goes wrong.
then ... i had been planing things for the coming weeks. it's very tough.
my schedule is very full. i just find that i have so less time for myself to hang out or play..
i'm not a playful person i dont need plenty of time to play, but just... find life is really hard..
for me.. playing means... being silly hanging out with friends. could be skating, could be singing,
could be just sitting at the coffee shop, or shopping, cooking, or silly chatting for nothing.. easy and simple.
then i wondered sometime i wish i could have time resting.
but when i'm home this morning and afternoon, i just found that i couldnt rest at home actually.
mom is here, she keeps talking, or the radio is on so loud. never be able to stay home by myself, get peace.
then even it's at night, after dinner, i just wanna watch tv, the programmes i love, but i find that
i just couldnt do it as well. i already find no time for myself, i just wanna watch tv, 1 hr, i couldnt make
it. Leggy needs to do homework. i really hate that. coz... she has so long time to do her homework,
but she doesnt, then after dinner, she rushed things up. i know i shouldnt interupt her plan on her
own things, but when she's so rude and she doesnt even how much i need my private time to stay
alone in the bed room watching tv. even if i have recorded the programme, i would have no other
time to watch it another day ! and mom always say like i'm bullying her or something like that
BULL SHIT. look at her attitude. NEVER, NO one could bully her, except herself.
sometimes i really hate mom doing so stupid things for her, trated her like the baby girl.
saying like she studys till late night at 12, she is so skinny, she is too weak to carry her school bag.
she is this she is that. oh yea, when i was like her age, i was all by myself.
i went to school by myself, i couldnt carry so many books but i did it, i studyed till late night later than her.
i had tonz of school work from school and tutorial class, i had tonz of responsiblities from school
activities. i was facing so much heavy stress from everywhere, even from home from you all,
were you blind then didnt notice anything?! were you that nice to me at that time? NOPE!
you just asked me to do better and better at school, did you actually care what i need ?
or just offered me money to do my tutorial class to keep my top result over my grade?
or all you did is just questioning me on if i would drop my grade by what i had been working hard on?
oh yea..

now.. i just wanna watch tv, i dont even have time or chance... and you still think i'm bullying my sister.
when she has questions on her home work, did i say no to her? she asked, she was lazy to think,
i made her think in stead of telling her what the answer is. she doesnt like, and you think i tease her.
by now then, you still couldnt remember what i dont like to eat, what i like to eat, what i couldnt eat.
21 years. 21 years.
i guess it's all because i'm the oldest sister. and i guess ... i would be working hard on my own,
well, what you do now is.... to accompany me lunch, try to erase my bored, help me to buy something
when i dont have time to, or sometimes still question me on my own things by not helping anything.
doubting on me is still the best thing you would do to me.
why my parents would never see what i need, never appreciated at my good but only question me.
i guess it's just never changed in these years.


it's strange that if i fell jealous now... i dont find jealous at all.. i just find unfair that what i need is just
some private time to do what i enjoy the most in a day, something very easy for everyone but not me.
i could get it recorded and watch another day, but the matter is... i dont even have other free time..
and... why everytime is my problem but not others ? i guess... my parents would never understand
my feelings. this kind of feelings actually exist for such long time, not just now.. and.. it's sad that
they dont know for 21 years.


i slept at 5 am this morning.. i was doing some work for the business promotion.
tomorrow i would be busy doing other things, and then i hope i could have a dinner with Shan after
work. so that i could relax... then.. i would need to rush up something for the meeting on Sat night
with Rami. then i have to rush working on other things...
oh yea, mom only knows i m very stress that's why i'm sick. i dont wanna talk about that anymore..
i m so sick of it..


anyway... today.. i always have a song on my mind. it's Jacky Cheung.
怎麼捨得你 - 張學友


紅笑臉　紅裙紅絲巾 Red face, red dress with red ribbon
白紙般　坦率還天真 Innocent, sincere, life is like the white paper
一對眼　水晶般吸引 Your eyes are so beautiful and attractive like crstal
流轉的舞步　像浮雲 your dance like the cloud flying

忘記妳　但仍然想起 Forget you, but i still think of you.
愈想起　更加難入寐 When i think of you, it's even harder to get asleep
緊抱妳　抱緊的祇得空氣 Hold you tight, it wasnt you but only air
明知得不到妳　何必再要記起 If i know i couldnt have you, why i still have to remember you.

＊一絲絲　一點點　燒毀憶記 just a bit, piece by piece, burning my memories
一幅幅　一聲聲　又復燃起 just piece by piece, the image and sound are back
怎麼捨得妳　任由我　腸斷至死 how would i be able to let you go, just let me miss you till i dead

＃戀一生　差一些　不可一起 love you for life, but just a bit that far, we couldnt be together
祇一心　等一天　日月如飛 only one heart, thought only wait for one day, but day and night flys
卻等不到妳　願忘記　又想起妳
but i still couldnt see you. i m willing to forget you now but you are still on my mind.

情與愛　是無從更改 Love, no one can change it.
未更改　卻因何分開 it is not changed, but why we are broken up?
失去妳　才明白未可捨棄 till i losing you, then i started to understand why i dont want to break up.
但始終祝福妳　寧願我這田地
however i still give my blessing to you, i rather getting hurt than keeping you sad.

>>September 20, 2007 at 4:36:09 PM GMT+8

2007 年 9 月 18 日 星期二 【晴】

i feel like having the stroke in brain soon.
i m actually really tired. my eyes re always pain, my back is sore, my brain is slow.

i woke up late today. rushed to work, then saw Mendy with her baby. so cute. we played for awhile,
then i did lots of research for my assignment paper, i got 23 long articles now. cool.
then, i had lunch with my parents, then back to office, had been working on my own.
then Sophia came, she took over Ella's class today. Ella's off today.
i had conversations with Sophia today, not bad. i had coffee too. nice and thanks mom.
then ya i had my class with Alex. He's so bright. very smart. then.. Ella told me that i'll have another
class, an ADULT class starting from next week =( i was like.... erhhhh.... why....
Ella said coz... she doesnt wanna take her, she's too weak in Eng. sigh.

anyway... i'm so tired.
i have lots of things to do... i have to rush something for the adv tonight, some promotion stuffs.
then i need to prepare for a meeting for Sat night, with Rami this time. yea coming Sat.
then i have the student loans to work on with the SFAA, the Gov. i got the letter from them today.
then, i need to prepare class for Alex and that new student.
then i need to to prepare some materials for the party on 26th.
but then i need to read my all 23 articles, and some more coming up soon, then i need to write my
paper by next week before going to China.
but i still need to fix my schedule for the coming weeks, so that i would be able to squeeze some time
for some meetings and the appointment with my consellor.
i will hope to meet my best friend Shan on this Fri night. so i could relax a bit.
oh yea! i will have class with Ricky on Sun... i almost forget, i gotta prepare something for him..

by the way... i see the dog down stairs my home everyday. i thik he's very very poor..
he's the same spieces with Stephen's boys. so, everytime i see him when i left and back home,
i would say hi to him. he s actuall a smart dog, but too lazy. his master doesnt really care about him,
doesnt train him, doesnt even spend time with him. he is very poor.
my dad and my sister love dogs so much, so they would say hi say bye to him, and even talk with him.
at first, he would play with my family, but now, slowly he doesnt care anyone. hummm =(

then yea, hummm... i'm checking what course offered for the next term.
hummmmm many courses i could choose but i wonder how many i could manage...
probably Two are very ... much for me, should i take Three? last term i took Three, and it was soooo
difficult to manage, but lucky that one course was easy. so yea.. this time... i m not sure if i should
take Three, even though i really wanna grad sooner.
and i have been searching for the information for the graduate programmes. i m thinking to take
M.Ed. Master Degree in Early Childhood Education. some colleges overseas request one year in
advance as the admission process. if courses start in Sep 2008, then i have to apply in Sep or Oct.
means.. NOW. same with UBC. but i'm not quite ready yet. there re so many things i dont understand.
but i know i wanna go for it, at least to try. and i'm still thinking if i should take Clinical Psych or
Early Child Edu, or MA in Conselling... the thing is... i dont wanna always deal with Abnormal ppl.
and that's the really big responsiblities to do the assessment and treatment, always need to face the
negative thinking and problems with the clients. it's not that i dont want to help, but i m not so confident.
and.... Conselling seems fine, and i m sure i can have the nice income too.. but... maybe...
my best interests are still ard the kids and education.. so.. i m thinking.. if i should do that..

hummmmm i left the office almost 9 pm tonight.
i was writing my journal for the conselling sessions. hummmmm....
i dont wanna disclose much here, it's still too private, and things are on process. so.. yea..
keep them with myself only..

anyway. i m so so so tired... like... too busy or something..
i really wish that my courses would be opening very soon, so that i dont need to stay in the
office for that long. i could rest more, have more time on my own.
i love my students i love the office, but just i couldnt stand this low salary and such long hrs there.
even though i could study, i could do my own stuffs there, it's still time consuming.
i will miss Elchards a lot, but... it should be better if i could try to do my own business.

anyway. i really gotta sit down with Rami to discuss and do our work... otherwise all would be
slower down by that. he is actually not giving in anything at the moment. he has some responsiblities,
but he didnt show me what he did yet. i'm a bit afriad coz we're runnning out of time. i could take over
his part of work actually, but am i going to take his money as well?

anyway...
i'm getting into the war again, everything is coming at the same time, under my plan.
what i need is... a peaceful time to take care of my things, and then... go relax later.

i want to learn to live the life, so i could cherrish myself and love myself.
i miss Stephen, i miss the time back, i miss my friends.


life reflection, related to the influences, my personality development in the childhood stage.
[ I was the lonely and insecure child. i was doubted by ppl ard incld myself. i was brave and didnt give up.
untill one day i got the chance to start over my life, i learnt to work hard to fight for what i want and need.
i always care about ppl, and ppl, and ppl.
i compensated well. i sucessed, but fell again. i got up and run again.]

i was searching for some picture just now, and i saw my high school pics...
some were taken in New Zealand on my school trip, some were in Singapore on my another school trip.
they were so awesome. i looked very student like hahahaha...
and i remembered what my consellor told me.. she thought i m still on my long term gap,
i told her nope, i have been doing courses already. she admired me working and studying at the
same time. we have talked about school and work before. she said... i'm a bright and independent
girl. i'm smart. i deserve a happy life. i said yes i know. i'm very strong in study and work, but i m just
weak in relationship part, as in ... yea with ppl relationship not just love.
i guess it's coz of my childhood. i was taken care by differnt familys in my first 6 years.
i was always being cared by different care givers, and they were not good to me.
i still have the memorries that.. i was always left by mom, coz... she always worked at the time.
i was the only child at that time, i got all the attention i wanted from my parents if we were together.
but most of the time we were apart. and i cried alot and alot. i was insecure and braved, i had to be.
but i was fear always. and i understand that's why the first time i left home and staying in New Zealand
was so painful to me. i got serious home sick. coz i couldnt stand for being left out.
and actually... when i was 6, my sister was borned. i didnt feel like she stole everything from me.
i loved her so much, i wanted to give her all of my best. i wanted her loved by everyone including me.
then... mom became housewife. i needed her lots coz i was so happy she's home finally and i wasnt
staying iwth any aunts or their familys, i was at home with my parents.. but i got one baby home.
i felt warm to be home, but actually i was neglected sometimes. and then... going to the primary school.
teachers were very horrible for me, i was so scared by them always. i didnt do good at school.
then... my sec sister was borned, then mom became very busy and horrible too. she was so short
tempered. then i always got scolded and hited if i didnt do well on my study, then if my sisters
misbehaved, i got blamed the first. she thought they were all my fault. i was very unhappy in my
childhood after my sisters borned. but i loved my sisters so much, i loved my dad so much, i thought
mom was evil but still loved her.
then slowly when i got to the high school, everything was changed. and yea... my childood was not
happy at all. i was insecure, always got blamed for nothing, and i liked to run away from difficult tasks.
i was a happy kid at kindegarden, but.. after that, everything was changed. i did extremely great
in high school. i got all the motivations back, and i found that i was actually a pretty bright student.
but once again, my family made me... inferior even though i was doing so great at school.
and i couldnt afford that kind of critizism, stress and tire-ness, i didnt do well in my final year in high
school, and after the first break up in my first relationship, i screwed my HKCEE.
so.. if i say... my childhood affected me in a very long way, especially my personality, i cant doubt it.

by understanding all these, i hope i could cope better with my life, and be the better parent or care
giver for the next generations.
then once again, i just find that i care about ppl.
i guess now i undersatdn why i always try hard for everything i wanna do or i can do..
coz.. this is just me since i was still 3 or 4. i understand why i always care about others,
coz this is just me since i was 6. why i was doing so bad in my childhood, coz this was affected
by my family, and once again fell down in my final year in high school, my family is the key factor.
and the next thing i wanna do is.. to learn to love myself, to live my life like i always do.
i m so loved by my family now, i am hard working, i'm talented and bright in multi ways,
i wish to be loved by myself. coz.. i ve been... ugnoring myself, my need.
that's why i have so many conflicts of my values and fears.
i'm fear coz.. i didnt know what i actually need is... the love and care from myself.
funny that i love ppl, but i dont know how to love myself.
guess that's why the love i gave ppl was not very desired, respected, or cherrished.
and now i gotta learn, coz i have been missing this part in my life.

>>September 19, 2007 at 6:22:45 PM GMT+8

2007 年 9 月 17 日 星期一 【晴】

today i woke up ard 9, then rushed to the meeting with Edgar.
it was going fine. present my ideas and hte party plan.
then discuss on some poster issue. i hope things would go fine.

then rushed to meet my consellor. i ate at McDonalds. hummm..
then... hummmm .. . . .

after that, i rushed back to TST to meet Shan. i was in her class today..
it was fun to be her model.
after that, we had coffee at Pacific Coffee. i was super tired... really really tired...

theni rushed to class... really really tired. i have lots to go through in class.
i took notes... sigh... i wish tmr could be a holiday for me.. coz i m really really tired..
i like the video today, quite nice. i took lots of extra notes.. and ... yea...
i m exhausted. i just found that i should have started working on my assignment paper.
if i dont start now, i probably wouldnt be able to finish it before i go to China.

and actually... if i go to China, then i wouldnt be able to meet my consellor on Mon or Tue.
sigh... i dont know.... i m so freaking tired.

in the conselling today was actually... very heavy for me...
got lots to think.. and lots to.... you know... realize things by myself..
i had a poem today. and when i read this, i wanted to cry. i guess some answers are coming out.
i m not meeting her in next week, but after 2 weeks. coz.. we both agree that i need time on my
own to explore what is happening, and be patient.

anyway.... by letting things going slow is actaully helping me. i could feel more peaceful.

okay...
my plan on the business is going okay. i got designed the programme on that party day.
ummm then now working on some promotion and adv. hope to get things done asap.
then i also need to start doing my assignment, otherwise i wouldnt be able to finish it.

thanks Shan for being with me all the time. thanks Alesja... Thanks Ade, Cynm and Cap..
thanks Queenie. thanks my family... thank you all...

you know, we talk alot on Life Span Approach today, Erikson. it was really great.
we had lots of interactions in class acttually. then i know i had good examples, and.. i could
answer Dr. Chan's ques. then Dr. Chan asked me.... why i seem have the good understanding of
nurturing kids. he asked if i have my own children already. everyone laughed !!
i said NO. i only have two younger sisters. and actually i wanted to tell him that's my instinct.
anyway.... humm i dont know when i would get marry or have kids.. i hope soon... as in...
i would marry some guy who would love me and wanna have a happy healthy family with me.
of course i would love the guy who is gonna marry me, but not saying anyone would be welcomed.
i really want a full and happy family with my husband and kids, and i would still have my career...
when would that happen?


Everything in its time.

Sometimes I wonder what lies ahead
How long till my hunger is fed
They say it's hard to make it in this part of town
So many people on this merry-go-round

Some folks try astrology
Some turn to crystal balls
To find an answer,
To get through it all
I just fall on my knees and I try to pray
In the silence I can hear Him say

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time

I often feel like I'm two steps behind
Somebody must have moved that finish line
There are a thousand reasons
Why I should give up
But I'm stubborn in the things I believe

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign

'cause maybe there's another plan
One I still can't see
A little surprise, like your love in my life
Funny how time changes how we see

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time
Everything in its time

>>September 18, 2007 at 5:24:27 PM GMT+8

2007 年 9 月 16 日 星期日 【晴】

hi..

today woke up late ... then... rushed to go out with mom.
we went to Ma On Shan to visit grandpa and aunt. we had dim sum today..
cool. quite nice. then i bought two head bands. nice. it was really cheap..
big size: i have two plan pinks, one blue pattern, one light blue and green pattern, one plain green.
small size: one grey, one dark blue, one peal white.
heeheehee.
actually i love wearing bands since very young. i used to have more than 8 when i was 4- 7.
after 6, i seldom weared them coz school restricts the color of our hair accessory.
i'm born with the passion in girly fashion !!

anyway.. after lunch.... rushed back to Tai Po. i went to Library..
had been searching for material there. i found a few good books, i borrowed two.
and i'm gonna do my proposal tonight. hummm i got some new ideas today.

after that, i went to the Tiwanese Tea House to rest and think of my stuffs, my proposal and other
things.. wheeeel... so tired.
then i went ot Ricky's home. yesterday was canceled, so i went to his home tonight in stead.
he's really smart but he is so lazy and he's so.... into being bad boy. i dont know.. sigh.

then i walked to the book store, then i got some inspirartion again. i am planing for the activity.
hummmmm..........

i ve seen so many new fashion in the stores. humm Fall collection..
but i cant do much shopping as before.. it's really hard for me. coz i love new things,
i love Esprit edc, it's so Castor. then i also really love Guess. i love Zara. and some more...
hummmmmmmmmm but i shouldnt run after the fashion things. coz.. it' never end.
but i dont know.. somehow clothes and stuffs are like the attitude for life for me.
i like the design and i like feelings of wearing them, it's not about the price or the brand.
it's the attitude of a person. some ppl wear beautiful clothes, they dont look beautiful.
coz.. it's not the real them. clothes could be nothing, brands are nothing if they cant fit your style.
i like those brands coz.. it's my style. i'm not very materialistic, but i have the high standards on
clothing and style. it might be bad, but it's just me. i care so much on the materials of my clothes,
and the style and cutting, and color, everything. so i usually try lots of them on but i only buy one or
two or none. make up or facial product or body product are the same for me.


tomorrow i need to meet the consellor. i m a bit... afraid.
anyway, i would meet Edgar in the morning. really need to discuss with him over some plans and
the party stuffs. really wanna get things done and ready. i'm so excited about everything.
and actually i have been thinking what kind of Psychology Master Degree programme i wanna
enroll after grad. i dont know for sure, coz i was thinking... i dont wanna do Conselling Psych..
then... maybe Clinical Psych. then.. i dont know... but recently.. i wanna do Child Development.
i have taken the Human Growth course before, then i took another Child Development course as well.
i'm not doing especailly well, but the thing is... i think this is more suitable for me.
i'm able to comunicate with children so easily. usually the children like me. and i love children.
i wanna be the kindergarden teacher. but in hk... i dont find the system good. then they request not
high education for the teaching post, unless some international school. but i'm not native eng speaker,
then sounds weird for me to work at there even though i'm sure there re many asian teachers.
anyway.. i dont know.. i wanna do more than just teaching, you know.. i m sure there re much things
we need to work on in the education system, especailly for the young learners.
but then.. i don know.. i think hk is lack of this kind of professionals. but i wonder if i wanna do the
Master in this feild, then i would need to study overseas. and i'm thinking about applying for the
funds or schlorship or somethign like that.

anyway.. the business now is really important to me. coz no matter what, in the future, i would need
money to do so much things, so i really need to get this business started. i really need it sucess.
i wanna do good education, i wanna make money, both cant be fail.
the business i do must be double win to clients and myself. i wont do unethical business,
i wouldnt make no money. it would be really hard, but i would make it.
coz i believe that... the best services would help me gaining more clients, and what i get from them
are not just money, but some satisfaction, like the chances of sucess in their life.

you know...
i met some stranger in the library today.. it was really weird.
some guy walked to me and talked to me.
i was at the Children Library, the English Part, at the conner actually..
i was reading, then a man just approached and asked me if i knew some books.
i was like okay =) i dont know. normal, right?
then he started talking to me about other things, like introducing himself.
i was like.. why do you tell me? then he started talking like.. he is wokking with some ppl in the tv show.
oh okay. then he said like he understands the work of some fortune telling. then he said i look very
good, and i would have the very good luck in 2008, i would be rich. ok thanks..
then he also asked me if i m from England.. hahaha i said no... haha.. then.. he said i would sucess in
my future, and he asked me to work hard. okay thanks. then.. yea... he told me his work with those
TV ppl.. then i was like okay.. haha.. sigh... i wonder why i always meet this kinds of weird ppl in my
life ? i have met a few when i was working in McDonald's when i was 17- 18.
then in Canada... i actually met three strange guys.. on street and in the book store, Chapters.
hahaha.. i met some hot guys as well, but you know.. i was so shy hahaha. they talked to me but.. haha.
then at Elchards, i have met three strange men as well. then last Sat and today. haha..
maybe Ella was right, Castor is especially attractive to strange men. hahaha omg..

anyway..
hummmm......
i actually need to work on my Assignment paper..
tomorrow... yea... busy..

i'm gonna write my jounal tonight as well.. for my conselling..
i'm thinking what if one day i become a consellor, or i would become a therapist,
or some specialist in Child Dev. or some specialist in Child Education, or some psychologist doing
research and stuffs. haha.. or fainlly a business woman????? NO WAY!!! haha.
i would rather be a FA, then be a kindergarden teacher, house wife with my kidsand husband, and finally...
being some psychologist in any feild i would be interested in. i dont mind to have my own business,
i would start it, and train ppl, then let them replace me, then i only supervise them, and i make money.
then i invest on others, make bigger money, do bigger business.
i actully think... if i really sucess with my business, then i would step out, i would keep it running,
like what i say i would supervise things but i would hire ppl to work for me. so i could do other stuffs.


my life seems being peacful again..
i wish peace would be with me..
i dont wanna be too... emotional... which i also freak myself out.

>>September 17, 2007 at 3:59:58 PM GMT+8

2007 年 9 月 15 日 星期六 【晴】

hi.

this morning i was woke by a few calls at 6 AM in the morning, 4 times.
i didnt know who that person was. i lost all my contacts before. so i might know this person i might not.
i was guessing who the hell hahaha..
then finally i just turned my phone on silent, not even on vribate.
i woke up at 12 30 today. hummmmmm not very good sleep but not too bad.
then rushed out to have lunch with my family. humm i did some school work before leaving.
coz.. yea.. i got the e-mail from school about my result from last term.
then the final reminder of my tution fee. well.. i'm so stuck with my financial plans.
anyway.. i couldnt do much. see what i can do next actually.

then after lunch, i was with Miki. then walked around, and i decided to go to Festival Walk.
i went Ice Skating by myself. i skated for 1.5 hr. quite okay... i didnt fall.
i just need some exercise, something i would like to do. then after that, i ate some fries,
then i went home.

i got the sms from Edgar, humm got some works to do.
some more detail plans for the Moon Fest Party. then some more information for the coming courses.
they helped me to make some poster. but i tell here secretly,... the design really sucks.
compare to mine in Elchards, any of my design was just much much much better than the one i saw
today from Edgar. then... yea.. i'm thinking... what i should do.
i would need to make a proposal for Tue morning. i would need a meeting with Edgar on Tue.
and coz my counsellor cant meet tmr, so we would meet on Tue afternoon at 1.
then i would have to attend Shan's class in TST at 2 20pm. i would be a model for a few hrs, yay~
hahaha just kiding.. hope i could help her a bit in her class.... then i would need to go to my class
at evening 7 pm. a bit rushy actually. then... i would meet aunt Priscilla after class.
maybe for an hr only.... she has some problems... sigh......

anyway.. my schedule would be very full on Tue. then tomorrow.. i would go visit my grandpa, and
aunts. then i would go to library, i need to search for what i need for the Moon Fest Party.
hummm then back home doing my proposal and stuffs.

humm i got my grades back... it was quite suprising.. coz.... i thought i would get all Bs.
then... i got 2 As, 1 B. not too bad, coz.. yea..

i remember my Ethics and Issues in Helping Profession course was not going well.
i didnt take my Mid term, and i made up, then i lost my presetation... but my assignment was A.
but then.. all together, i still got a B. maybe my final was bad. so yea. i dont know.

but i'm happy. Interpersonal Communication course was very important to me, but i didnt like Jamie's class.
my Mid Term was so so only, and my group assignment wasnt that good, coz one of the groups was
just too well prepared. they have got a A+, they did so much extra things, over run the presentation.
and we only got a B +, a whole grade down. i thought the coming groups d ve done much better than
us, so we should be the worst. coz the coming groups got 1 week more to work. but they didnt take
their chances, they performed so so. then i thought i was gonna get a B even if i did well on my final.
on my Final, i really tried my best, but actually i only spent... not more than 2 hrs to prepare.
coz you know.. i was suffering with my relationship problem. it was a long Essay que for 3 hrs.
one que only, but.. you gotta prepare for that before the exam, coz actually Jamie told everyone
about the tips, so that actually all students can write super nice logn article before entering the exam
room, except me. i didnt prepare, i just... studyed while i was going back to class, on train.
it was so... stress for me. i didnt take my dinner, i just studyed. and i still rmeember, i draw 4 charts,
and i wrote full of the answer book, 8 AF-size pages full, without skipping lines. and finally i got an A. yay.

but then... for the Human Sexuality course.. i actually felt i was screwing it. i thought i would get a
C or B. coz.. my assigment was not that good compared to all the students. it was a big class,
35 students i guess? and lots of them are the current social workers with liscens, and i do know that
i dont have much insight relatded to my topics or other assignments. so i actually did more than 100%
work everytime in my assignments. i do lots of research, i study and think through all the words,
then i rewrite the ideas, compare each articles, then i ususally double check with my concepts related
to the topic and book. everything, i take every steps seriously. then on the presentation day,
i didnt really prepare much i didnt have time. i prepared in class, then i decided what to read about.
i did some preparation on that day while i was having brekfast in McDonald's. i just kept reading my
assignemt, to see what points i should bring out, i should go share with my classmates, what's so
important can let my assignment stands out in all. so yea.. then i made a 5 or 6 mins presentation, just
prompt, right to the points, clear and short. i was proud of myself, coz i am so shy in presentations in
class. i dont knwo why i lost my courages in public speaking. i used to be a good one in it actually,
especailly in High school. well trained. anyway, i remember i got 9/10 on my presentation. i was happy.
then the mid term was so so.. i got 70% or 70sth.. and my fianl exam... i was 20 mins late ?
i got the trafic problem. then i wrote till the last min.. i thought i screwed it, coz.. i actually didnt really
prepare. say... i was taking a very huge risk on my exam. coz.. i really really didnt prepare at all.
i felt like all the information i wrote about was not from my book, it's from myself. but suprisingly,
i got an A in the course.

hummmm.... i used to share my results with Stephen. i would like to bring him good news.
but i wonder... if i should call him or e-mail him. he seems so busy.

well... i dont know...
i'm wishing myself good sleep tonight.. and....
i understand why i have such big emotional changes these days, coz i have been facing some
decision making for life. i m saying i'm totally fine or totally paranoid. i m just saying i understand and
accept my emtional changes. and i dont know if i should end my life. i have this idea, but..
i'm pulling back myself form that idea. since i have rest time, fun time, then i could release my
negative feelings. but the same thing is i still need to face the problems i have and the daily
issues. sometimes it's just like... the Chaos. and.. i wonder... and wonder..

anyway.. i heard a song, "it's just a ride". i dont have it or lyrics. but.. it's a song about life.
dont take things too serious or whatever coz life is like a ride. dont break down.

i said on Facebook that.. "Monday with Marry". it referrs to my conselling sessions, but of course..
her name is not Marry. and somehow... i dont know if i should thank her, that time she really pushed
me to think about the possiblities of the outcome after my decisions. so after that, my mind has been
very heavy and... i found so difficult to continoue life. i will see her again on Tue this time, not tmr..
i wonder... and... looking forward to see... what actually is inside me.
it's like hypnotized.. no... it's not like she hypnotize me and get my saying what she wants me to say,
but it's like.. going back my unconscious mind to take out what actually in there but has been being
ignored or repressed. of course she didnt really hypnotize me, but just the way it goes..
i feel like finding more and more about myself. i love and hate myself at the same time.
it's really complicated to say but true that.. only i can understand what thigns mean to myself,
and i shouldnt deny on them or repress them. hummmm see what would happen next...
i'm looking forward to seeing her again, but i have not much money left in this month, i wonder how
long i can support myself on the conselling.

>>September 16, 2007 at 5:29:11 PM GMT+8

2007 年 9 月 14 日 星期五 【晴】

hi.

today woke up with the bad mood, still gotta work.
had been quite busy till late afternoon.
then.... free for awhile... then... yea after work, i met my church friends.
they invited me to visit the church. we had dinner there.
i met some new mates there, but yea i saw lots of old mates too.
got lots of catching up... i actually left the church for 4 years, i didnt remember it was that long.
then yea.. i had some fun time, coz they are super funny ! got lots of jokes. pretty fun.
but then yea... i feel comfortable tonight at there. it s a very big change there, and i feel comfortable.
it's really amazing. humm after the pray time there, i feel more comfortable.
it's a really big support. coz the thing is.. i didnt tell them what actually happens ard me recently.
i didnt tell any essential things. then i didnt know they would call me, i thought we would never met.
anyway... nice to see them tonight. thanks. Thanks God. it was the night i feel so much suports.

then i walked home.. and there was a guy stalking behind...
i didnt know there was anyone behind me, coz i walked pretty fast.
then i kept looking back, but i got no one. i was on my ipod, so.. yea..
then... suddenly there was a shadow near by me, and i looked. he was behind.
then i walked faster, he walked fasker, just so near to me, then i walked slower..
and he was in front of me, then he walked slower too. i walked faster, then he walked faster,
so i knew there s something wrong !!! so i lower my ipod, and kept lert.
then he came near and talk to me.
i was SCARED !!!
then he talked to me like... Hi. i siad hello.
i thought he might just ask for time or direction.
then he said if he could buy me a drink ! then i said NO. i was shocked.
then, i walked faster, and he approached again, and i stopped and asked him what i can help him.
i was afraid he might have a knife or othr weapon ! then.. he said i looked beautiful.
i said thanks then i kept walking. he thought i speaks in Eng, so i only Speaks Eng to him.
then he asked me like if i lived ard there, i said yes, and i asked him if he.
coz i m thinking he might live ard then i would see him ard again ! then he told me he lived in Tai Po Tau!
that's my area too !!!! i was so scared. then.. he asked if i studyed or worked, coz i have a book !
then i said studying. he asked Uni ? i said yea.. i couldnt remember what we talked abt..
oh yea.. he asked if i m from overseas i said yes. he asked me where i was born and stuffs.
then he also asked if i m from Canada.. i said yes.. i wasl ike.. WHAT ?! how did he know???
then i was thinking if he had met me in Van before???
i just lied to him like i m from overseas. and he asked how long i stay in HK, i siad i dont know.
he thought i said with mom or sth like that. then i said.. oh yea.
then... mom really suddenly called. i talked on phone with her, kept annoying him !!!
then i looked back, he just walked far away already !!! i was SO SCARED !!!
was his name Sam? i dont know ! i forgot ! but yea.. pretty strange..

okay.. he looks completely normal, just a noraml HK guy ! his English is soso. it was so awkward!
then dad said... it's my fault. i shouldnt wear no sleves dress at night..
i was like... what? i think my dress is not sexy, it's just a normal dress. i dont have beautiful feature,
even my dress design is a bit low cut, it's still not sexy at all compared those girls on street.

i talk with Shan and Cap after that, on line. humm Shan should be careful..

anyway..
i'm so tired..
tomorrow i would go over Ricky's home.. hummm yea.... he's in P.5 now..
his family just... sigh i dont know.. i would try to help if thee's anything i can help..
Eng revision with him... then i'm thinking if i should go... ice sakting..
i really wanna skate !!! then.. yea... and i also wonder if i could just rest after revision with Ricky.
i dont know..

i'm still sad..
i cried a lot last night before slept.
i talked with Alesja, then i went to bed, but.. i couldnt sleep.
just while i lay down, i started tearing up..
then i got up... and.. after crying.. i slept..

well.. i want some quiet time, peacful time, realxing myself.
and about otehr issues... i dont wanna think about them now.
i'm so freaking tired.

>>September 15, 2007 at 6:31:02 PM GMT+8