2007 年 8 月 14 日 星期二 【晴】

hi.

today is still as terrible actually, but i dont show it.
somehow... i need to work and calm down.. so... yea.

i acept myself weeping at office preivately in my lunch break.
i was shaking, i hugged myself tightly...
i skipped lunch, just had half box of soya-milk in morning.
the counselor called back.. well i forget her name already.
i am having an appointment on Monday, 1 30- 2 30, in Central.
then maybe... meeting up Edgar and Rami for discussing the coming plan.
sigh.

then... i worked, not actually working, just sitting, not even studying..
humm exam, a big hard one is coming on Fri night.. well... i just cant.
then i had class with Yoyo and Alex Stephen.
they are so cute.. Yoyo likes me. she's so... like a mommy girl. always leaning on me, sticking at me.
then Alex Stephen is still as naughty, but behaved better now.. he's good, smart.

then after class, ard 7, i was working on some doc, not really working.. actually sitting..
i had some chips finally, started being hungry finally.
then i left at 8.... meeting up Shan and Queenie.

omg.. it's been so long havent seen them actually. like... more than 2 months ?
we are all living in the same area, but just never called to meet. well we tried but didnt arrange well.
anywya... when i m in troubles, they are usually the first ppl could give me a hand.
well, even though they might not know problems as soon as my other friends..
they're always by my side.. as in... being there for me whenever i need them.
i guess, for them, i have really changed alot. from a school-girl to an "old lady".
hummm we had Taiwanese tonight. bubble tea and some rice soup.
we talk and talk. sometimes were quite fun, sometimes was sad. it was great to be with them.
=) thanks. they gave me big laughs tonight... which was... fun and sweet..
well, i really wanna believe Queenie that i'm not alone.

and... like... i have been firguring out what kinds of things are ... as in... so many thing that i have lost
and confused about. i hope i would find them out soon. get back those i ve lost.
then.. i would satrt my journy on this coming Monday.

i'm calming down myself...
i want to stay calm in stead.
i have emotions, but i dont want to let it bother me too much, as in excessively.
i dont know.. i need some time..
coz actually i think.. i have hurted him, but... i am much hurted as well.
by seeing all these happened, i found like... i am actually nothing much as a person,
but just like an object. what i have been doing, all kinds of improving myself, all kinds of open up,
all kinds of loving and caring... didnt mean that much compare to... some misunderstanding.
so... what i have been trying to that total accpet and respect were just... not enough.
afterall i had been consfusing my points of view, my own personal value and stuffs, just
trying to be more understanding to accept him totally... but then actually... those are not valued.
it's like... all my giving in was just.... not enough.
in his eyes, maybe... i m just an image, which has been only giving in and accepting whatever he is.
like... forever one of the fans of his. i became an object, belonged to him. whatever he thinks and does
i have to accept... coz he is just not listening, he's always right ?
i dont know what i m talking about now...

he blocks me... he hates me... all i was doing... was just giving in and loving him..
but... he said i couldnt handel him. well... he just reminded me.. have i ever tried to handel him?
havent i just let him do everything he wanted? while i tried to say something... during some discussion,
did he really recieve my messages, considered what i have said?
maybe.. he's just right.. i couldnt handel him.
in a way saying... he couldnt handel me too, coz.. i was not happy.
even when i was sad or upset over something... did he try to make me feel better?
or... he would just think... it's my own problem? when i was in Van.. he did...try to make me happy.
but i m in HK now, and he would think... he cant do anything from there..
but has he ever tried to understadn what i actually need from him?
while he said i could do something,.... was he really okay? while i was doubted by him again...?
if you love a person, do you actually accept him/her totally?
why ? and what you do when you are not valued?
it's just like i could be replaced anytime. jealousy doesnt belong to one party only..
i am a girl, i could be jealous too.. while it happened on me, why i couldnt complaint?
but when it happened on him, then he could split out whatever words to hurt me to take me down?
i have explaint and explaint... if he only believed in what he wanted to, he would never open his
ears to listen... he would only live in his own world. denying me... okay... but... he is just denying himself as well...
is it really necessary to be like this...

when you love someone... while there is conflicts, do you try to stand in his/her shose?
are you really loving that person or.... just .... taking him/her for granted?

everytime, in every moment... i want to be the best for him, i try hard, i wanna be the better girlfriend,
i want him happy, i want him feel good. but now i think... it was just not enough...
if that was enough, why and why these all just happened in his side again and again...
never been enough.. my love is just.... nothing at all, as a girl... i think... i have been doing pretty much..
i thought he understadns and he appreciates me... as a girl.
but once it hits to some misunderstandings, he doesnt think of my love to him..
he just.... deny on me again and again... throwing out those words.
while i have been accepting him as whoever he is. i love him no matter what...
is he doing the same for me as well? if so, why couldnt he just understand how much i have been
doing and what i really have been facing?
it wasnt easy for me too, it's not only one time at his side. but in reverse, do i really deserve these?
whle it just some kindda "happened" on me, and his response was just so... big.
i asked myslef again and again... i do feel bad about making him mad and sad..
but... was i really bad like what he said? i guess not?
whatever.. i m so tired... i need to sleep...

he blocks me, he hates me.. he probably just damanges himself while he does these to me.
he doesnt listen, he doesnt try to understand... somehow it would only become another bad experience
to him, which is totally not necessary. it really didnt happen that bad in fact. he just doesnt listen.
how hurt it is to me? just too much. school or work pressure i could take.
hurting from relationship, which is caused by me? no way.. i couldnt take it.
and i wonder.. who has been hurting whom.
andi cant belive that.. till now.. i m still caring about him so much.
what the hell castor you are thinking of...

anyway... thanks Shan and Queenie for being with me tonight...
well thanks God i didnt have anything sharp in bathroom.
otehrwise my parents gotta pay for my student loans, and be sad hearing my death at home.
i really wanna kill myself.. but i found that.. i dont even have the right and ability to do so.
shame, right? thanks God keeping me here...
i still have thigns to do before death.

night. 3 01am

>>August 15, 2007 at 7:01:46 PM GMT+8

2007 年 8 月 13 日 星期一 【晴】

hi..

I never felt nothing in the world like this before
Now I'm missing you. I'm wishing that you would come back through my door
So now I'm all alone. you could have stayed. but you wouldnt give me a chance
With you not around it's a little bit more then i can stand.
And all my tears they keep running down my face
Why did you turn away?

It's been a long time since you called me
How could you forget about me
You got me feeling crazy
How can you walk away. Everything stays the same. I just can't do it baby
What will it take to make you come back. I told you what it is & it just ain't like that
Why can't you look at me, i m still in love with you.
Don't leave me crying.

So why does you pride make you run and hide
Are you that afriad of me? But I know it's a lie what your keeping inside
Thats not how you wanted to be
So baby I will wait for you, coz I don''t know what else i can do.
If you think I'm fine it just aint true.
I really need you in my life
No matter what i have to do I'll wait for you.


im so sorry..

i woke up and worked today.. mostly just sitting and doing nothing.
i wasnt able to study, wasnt able to do work as well.
lucky that today is not busy, i could take time to just sit.
i chatted on line with Queenie, got a little chi chat with Ella and May.
well... the parents saw me aand asked if i got a flu again..
i said no.. i'm just very tired recently.
and actually.. i am tired coz.. i couldnt sleep well and i'm very down.

well... i guess in a whole day till 7pm, i actually only spent 30 mins on my exam revision.
i couldnt focus at all.
on the train to school, it was so crowd as usual, then... i was looking at the farest door, the end of
that train,... i found so amny ppl in between... at that moment i just thought... what if Stehen is ...
just right there,... hiding in the crowd...., then i had the urge that just walk through those ppl to get
to see him. but, in another second i just know... no... he is not here.
i really hope that we would meet, not just coz i wanna see him again, it's...
something.. more than that. i want to be with him, stay with him.
it's been strange... it wasnt stable.. now, today i know i want him, coz i m still in love with him.

my friends asked me why i m always sad. they said... in a relationship should be happy.
but why i cant give up? and now i ask does it really matter ?
i keep thinking of Stephen's word. and i ask myself a question today...
what i did to make him think i was moving on easily, and why..
i was actually trying to move on, so i hanged on line, i chatted with new "net friends", who i dont really
know. i was really upset about something wrong at his side, as he knew.
i was really angry, sad and confused at him. his responses to me was so hurting me and confusing.
at that time i have been depressed being back to HK facing problems and loads of school work.
i didnt adapt well. and then.. the moment i broke down while my... fainls coming and with his news.
i thought... after i left, he had moved on already, and that's why that thing happened at there.
so i was really upset and got really high stress from everywhere. at that moment i just thought..
ok well, if he had moved on, might be i should do that too. i was still thinking of him, and...
feeling bad about the break up, i was still thinking of him all the time. so i had contacted him sometimes,
but at the same time i tried to move on. coz i thought... maybe it's what he wanted.
in 2 weeks, things changed... if i didnt mess up the time... i got his reply or something like that..
it wasnt very good, coz i was not sure what he actually wanted. i kept replying and waiting..
he usually didnt reply me imdiately, so... i was wondering maybe he changed his mind.
i admitted that i was trying to move on, and i had talked with other guys. but for me...
sometimes talking with guys dont mean that much. its just like... letting myself get out from the
situation for awhile. it makes not much difference than talking with girls. just guy's thinking helped
me a little bit, so i didnt have to be in a feminie thinking world. it's like psycholoy class anyway..
understanding two genders.

at that period of time, around 1 month something? i.... met randomly, and sometimes flirting in a playful
way to show... hey.. i m okay,( which i was not).
coz... some guys there were crazy but friendly. and i talk about my emotions, and they knew i was
suffering with a break up. they wanted to... have a chance, but at the end i rejected and stayed
some distance with them. they knew i miss him.

one incident is that i couldnt write it on here, but... it .. actually happened one time while i was staying up
late studying for my exam and i was so frustrated and depressed. it brought back all my anger and
sadness back. it was a break up, i really ddnt know if Stephen and i would get anotehr chance or not.
i tried one, no, actually twice. the 1 st time was nothing much, i just let the webcam on.. i glanced..
well, that still counted right?
the other day, sec time i watched and.. privately i felt excited, it's like porn, with conversational
interaction. he kept asking me to, i was teasing him, yes i did tease him.
i think it's normal.. coz... it's... only physical responses. i dont find emotional attached?
i dont find anything else except that kinds of sexual stimuli ? then afterall, i couldnt even rememeber
his name or e-mail address. coz i hated him. it was funny that i hate him. he didnt do anything harmful
to me but i hated him and i told him directly i hate him. he has no ideas and he doesnt care as well.

well... that's also when i could actually experience why ppl can have sex with the ppl without love.
i didnt really get the exactly same experience, but still i understand much more, honestly.
but... at that time... eventhough i still love Stephen, i told myself i was single.

and after that... i have thought and... yea...
i knew i would never gonna let that kind of thing happen again, even though... there are otehrs
asking me for. no.. after that i really didnt. coz... yea, that moment was stimuliting, but so what?
it's just nothing and i dont even wanna be in contact with that guy. i felt bad but not too bad...
coz i thought it's okay, i was single again and i could take a lesson without any stress or responsiblities.
it was done and would never be back. i told one close friend at that time, Alesja.
it was only known by Alesja and me. coz.. Alesja is open minded and she was on line late like me,
coz she's in Germany.

well... i actually wonder... if i could really move on, why i turned back and asked Stephen if we
could be together again... why not i just kept letting otehr guys got closer with me.
why when Ata or Emre or any others, or whatever nationalities tried to approach closer, i got them
clear to stay away... one or two of them are actually quite crazy.
and i compared them with myself... i felt bad for them and myslef coz... it's like...
how much i love stephen, then how much they were trying to prove how much they want me.
and i suffered a lot coz the way i pushed them away is like the way Stephen did to me.
well as i remember, i have mentioned some before here...
and it all just told myself that i'm actually freaking unhappy. do you know what move on is like?
i am not sure what move on exactly like, but i am sure i actually did not move on.

then i had been trying to contact Stephen and waiting and waiting.. and... eventually..
there was a chance.. but... it didnt go well... i didnt feel stable. we didnt really talk..
i was wondering if he was just... trying to sooth me away only.
then i had been... working hard on our relationship again.. at teh same time, i didnt tell ppl about us,
not coz i wanted to cover it and screw with otehrs, it s just not stable.. i dont even know what
status was like. i always said i move on, focus more on study and work, i was doing okay..
as everybody have experienced stages like mine should understadn ... it was just something to make
yourself happier. just found something to do to distract yourself from pain.
any of my close friends should have heard me crying or saying i 'm not okay.
and they would want me to move on and taught me what to do what i should think.
then i would say i have been trying. but the fact is i was not sucessed.
Queenie, Cyn, Ade, Cap, Shan, Alesja, Karen, any of them knew i broke up and suffered, any of them.
any of them knew clear how much i love him and care the relationship, and any of them questioned
me so many times and didnt understand why, either do i.

so.... what is that now?
he doesnt understand, he misunderstand. i made him misunderstand.
he refuses to understand !
i hurt him again, even though i guess he didnt understand how much he hurted me as well actually.
i just wish he could think and feel from my side... i had never felt better than he felt.
it's not that i wanted to hide, i got nothing to lie. i didnt tell him right after patch up, it wasnt really
the time i should have told, and i thought he wouldnt mind anyway. okay if i dont tell something or
hide up something on pupose than it's lying. but i didnt, i swear i didnt intend to hide.
if he has asked me i would tell imdeiately. i didnt dare to bring that up coz it happened at that kind of
timing, the broke up, and it didnt matter at all as i thought. the thing is why would i need to bring that up suddenly?
i just wonder if he would do that too if he was me?
and think about... that.... now... i dont mean to be bad but saying.. now he knows how bad i felt.
and it was not the only time i felt like shit.
anyway... it's my bad to make him feel bad to have hurted him again.
i dont compare who felt worse or better, i just know i have hurted him badly, the one i love.
would he feel that too? probably not. but like what i said.. no matter what, i have hurted the one i really love.


today, i have called to one counseling center. i gave in some basic information, and then...
tomorrow there should be feedback from a counselor discussing with me..
i dont know what would that be like... probably wanted to know mroe detials before assement
arrangement. well, as i know, that counselor couldnt ask questions which might breach or risk the
confidentiality or privacy, coz s/he has to protect me and my information over the phone call or internet.
the lady told me that... one session costs $650-1120/ hr. it depends on my montly income.
well, if i couldnt afford that still, i hope they would help to referral. refer me to otehr
non profit-making organization services.
i didnt tell my family, coz i dont want to scare them. even if i would tell, i might just say...
some arrangement from school, wanting us to take a few counselling or just dont tell at all.
coz.. anyway if i am a graduate student in master degree, i would need to experiece being
counseled. that's the requirement. so yea.
i have told some friends before and told Ella today. well i let her know coz.. i should let her know.

>>August 14, 2007 at 7:37:33 PM GMT+8

2007 年 8 月 12 日 星期日 【晴】

8 24pm.

i just stopped crying.
i was home ard 3 pm after exam.

i was happy last night and today eventhough i didnt sleep, i stayed up studying whole night.
Stephen was on line there.
and when i got home today afternoon, i chatted with him again.
my exam didnt go bad. i was happy.. and preparing for tomorrow exam.

but then,.... while talking with Stephen.... i was honest telling him something happened while
we broke up. and now, we are over.
i cried for long in the bathroom.. and....
i wanted to kill myself, but i couldnt! when i thought of the consquences, i just cant !
i just think i'm the most stupidest person in the world!!!
i cant even kill myself !! i dont even have to right to end my life ! how failure am i ????
my heart is like broken. it's so painful!!!! my eyes are so pain. why Castor you're so stupid!?!?!!!
why did you let that hapened?!

well.. i just saw that guy on line... i have... tak with him and save some "prt sc" and saved as bmp file..
i hope... he could read my messages or e-mails.. otherwise he wouldnt know..

omg.. please... tell me what i can do..

tmr i still have exam, and i havent prepared before..
fri one more exam.. andi need to prepare for the meeting on 20th.
tell me what i can do.
what i can do to make him understand and accept me.

i didnt think it was that essential to tell coz of the timing.
but now it's like i had been hiding it from him. i dont have to hide it, i could have told him earlier,
right after we patched up. i didnt coz i didnt know for sure how close we were.
actually.. as some ppl know.. i couldnt plan for my future, coz.. after break up and patch up,
i didnt know for sure if he still actually wants me. it was so unstable to me.
for me, as my best wishes, i wanna get marry after grad, and i could stay with him forever long.
but after time, i didnt dare to ask again, coz i was so afraid he would tell me he is not coming.
i didnt dare to ask what i really wanna ask coz i was so afraid to be rejected by him.
well now i'm saying everything out, coz... there seems no chances to confess anymore.
i have made the stupid mistake...

i didnt tell many friends about we 're back together, coz it has been not stable.
we were so lack of contact, and i had been trying hard on this relationship again..
i didnt want to disclouse to ppl coz i think he would want some more privacy and i respect that.
soeverytime when i wanna write about relationship, i only use "he", "him",
or just wrote one or two sentences in most of the days..
i am not lying ot anyone! i am not lying! i am not !!!
why he doesnt trust me... why he has to deny me.
i am so sorry for my mistake.. i am so sorry.


everyone knew it... it was not easy for me to move on..
every friends want me to move on, to be happier, but i didnt..
why... coz i love him and still think he is the only one.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gd Morning Castor !

hummm now is 6 am in the morning.
i finally didnt sleep.
i m so tired but couldnt sleep.... =S

then i havent finished my revision. i actually did, but not enough..
then i kept trying to rewrite notes. it's like i have read the text book, and notes,...
but i know that i m gonna forget or not able to remember points, during exam.
so yea.... sigh... that's why i m always stressed about mid term and final.
coz... i absorb information very fast, i understand things quickly, but it takes long time for me to..
memorize things and express them with INSIGHT. everytime i think of it, i get headache.
that's why i can write better essay assignment than mid term or final.

exam starts at 10.
now is 6 05, i might try to take a nap again, then left home ard 7.
i'm hungry, guess coz i'm up all night. i m wanting McDonald's hotcakes with strawberry jam.
then... can eat and reviewing stuffs till 8 45, and heading to school.
>.< wish me good luck. i m so scared.

>>August 13, 2007 at 1:15:33 PM GMT+8

2007 年 8 月 11 日 星期六 【晴】

hi there.

bye there.
haha.

humm
i woke up at 1 pm.
last night i was on webcam with Capella.
hahah she's in LA airport... it was so nice to see her.
it's like she's reminding me my last day in Van airport. hummm then... she was eating chips,
and i have chips in my hand at the same time, haha so funny.
anyway, that's why i slept at 4 30 am.

then woke up, making salad and eating salad, then started studying again, and rest and study.
then... i talk wiht Stephen for awhile... then i slept...
i slept for 3 hrs something then had dinner and studying again.

i dreamt of him... i dreamt of him...
hummm... it was a long dream, eventhough i didnt dream 3 hrs long.
i dreamt of myself seeing him in HK, he suddenly appeared at my home.
and there are lots of interesting things in our romance around HK.
i saw myself very passionate towards him that i m shocked about myself.
i wonder if i see him again next time i would be really hot about him, so passionate.

there are so many questions i have to review and remember the points.
i feel so tired to do so.
just only discuss on recieving a gift from a client, there could be tonz of things to think about..
i cant remember things like that.... =S
i'm worried for tomorrow, but i dont give myself pressure now. i think i cant blame myself with that.
but then i have been trying to do better.. so.. yea gotta challenge myself but... i just cant.
i think in this subject, we better do... essay assignmentssss, and MC exam paper in stead of essay exam.


anyway...
"Do you regonize and try to deal with your problems, or do you invest a lot of energy
in denying their existence? "
in the value conflicts, i think... i m not done with the un-finished business.
and i have crisis. ahhhh i think this course is very heavy for me.
i hardly finish it, coz there are lots of questions i have asked myself and bring back a lot of problems
that were un-solved. and now i have to face them. but then the course duration is too short, too
intensive, so i dont have enough time to absorb and say... growth. so.. yea.. i would need to...
give myself more time. should i call the counselor tomorrow to make an appointment or i should wait
for awhile more?

>>August 12, 2007 at 10:00:26 PM GMT+8

2007 年 8 月 10 日 星期五 【晴】

Capella left today... hummmm
i talk with her on phone for long today..
hummm....
i wish Ade and Cyn were there with her... but i dont know.
wish them all the best.
i miss them

anyway....
thanks Queenie's mesg here.
actually i m not so sure too. it just happens sometimes... i cant control my emotions well.
it's like.... i dont know.
anyway... thanks. i believe that i would be fine someday too.

hummmm today i worked hard, then studyed as well..
organized the work before leaving..
then back home resting and dinner.


tmr would be the last day before exam week... *sweat...
castor should be able to get through it all nicely. she should be able to do that, coz she is so castor.
a net friend steven david told me that... girl should be both strong and submissive.
i think i am already. but now, i just need to stand up again to show myself and ppl that i could be
strong to do well on my life, like doing something for myself, making choices for myself.
thanks Steven David, Shan, and Queenie =)

castor is just like this... right?
lonely castor has to carry on life again... she gotta stand up fighting for herself.. yes.
maybe by herself maybe not....
AhzaZa Fighting! Fighting!
dont fall down, dont break down. bring it back.

>>August 11, 2007 at 5:16:30 PM GMT+8

2007 年 8 月 9 日 星期四 【晴】

hi.

i just had lunch with Shan at McDonald's today.
then walked around, and knew that was the typhoon no.8 signal on.
then i met my family and went home together. it was cool on the street.
not much rain or strong wind.

back home resting, then slept, didnt really study.
then yea.... had dinner and watched tv.

i dont know... what i'm doing at home at all. i'm not studying, not really doing what i should do.
i dont quite understand myself. i ve searched information about some cheaper counseling sessions.
well, i m gonna call on Monday. i might try to make an appointment.
i find that i cant carry on anymore, i feel so... depressed, anxious sometimes.
i feel very very tired no matter how much i sleep. i cant funtion well, coz i hardly concentrate at
work or study. well i still can but... i m so bothered by something i dont know what it is.
i try to relax, find something interesting to do but.. it cant help.
i just cant run away.. but i dont know what i'm escaping from. it s like something i dont understand.
i'm lost.

i m inattention all the time. i forget thigns so easy, too easy. my psychological clock mess up with
differnet thigns. in my mind, there is no such things i could remember with the right time.
it's like... i remember things happened, but i couldnt remember the time and sometimes i feel like
i lost the memorry, i dont even remember i ve done something.

there is no ppl i could really talk to?
i'm at work. i dont wantto talk with Ella, and no time, no places to have conversations.
chatting on line? who are they? net friends? close friends?
i can talk, i dont wanna talk too much, i cant. i try to tell ppl what i think what i do and feel.
but... i dont know.... i dont want ppl judge on me or... discuss about me.
i feel like ppl misunderstood me alot, they dont understand me. and no one would agree with me.
not aplly to everything, but some important things... i'm by myself. i am by myself.
i feel so difficult.

anyway...

thanks Queenie offering me a nice coffee with the chocolate bar.
yea.. i think we can... arrange some time to go for a coffee.

castor...
i dont understand you.
i want you to study hard and work hard in stead of.. being silly sitting around.
coz.. there is... no one would feel ... for you.

>>August 10, 2007 at 4:07:49 PM GMT+8

2007 年 8 月 8 日 星期三 【晴】

hi.

bye.

>>August 9, 2007 at 4:43:35 PM GMT+8

2007 年 8 月 7 日 星期二 【晴】

There can be miracles, when you believe
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
You will when you believe

They don't always happen when you ask
And it's easy to give in to your fears
But when you're blinded by your pain
Can't see your way straight throught the rain
Small but still, resilient voice
Says love is the relief



sometimes, i am frigile and weak.
you know what... i break down.

sometimes, when i'm very stressed, i only sit in a conner resting.
sometimes i tear up... i dont want anyone knows.
i wonder... why i m by myself facing all these.
i 'm just very tired. it's exhausting.
stressed out form work, still planing on quitting and getting myself some private jobs.
everything is so unstable, and i'm suffering.
i dont want everyone knows, i dont want to cry to anyone.
look at my study. look at my result. If i cant get As, i couldnt apply to Master degree.
then i ve no access to be a therapist or psychologist.
look at this. i know my weakness, my bad memorries. and i need to... work harder on my ...
writing skill, and exam skill. compare to those "sec degree" students, i feel like i am so far left.
it's like... everytime i work hard, i push myself to my limit, then i would need time to rest for awhile..
but then not even felt relaxed coz of the office and stuffs, then i have to push myself to do my final
exams. is it what life means?
i dont wanna complaint anymore, i wanna do something for that, but i cant.

i still remember what Prinicipal Cheung told me... what my reference letter said..
what Lisa or Joy told me.... they said i have the inner strength... where is it?
why i dont find it?

today at office, i thought of my grand parents.
once i saw them, my grandma said... i am a very well done kid. in her eyes, i'm just so well done.
but she said unlucky that i'm a girl not a boy. yea i know in her eyes i'm not a boy of course.
you know what... if i was a boy, i would have so much more chances and help from her.
i was supposed to stay in Vancouver to study for hotel management.
i was one of the top students in that college. really top.
a few years back, before HKCEE, i was always one of the top at high school.
i was just famous. but... i just screwed that HKCEE, then... everything was changed.
well, i have been working hard to chase what i have lost and to have a better life.
after that Associate degree, then went to Vancouver, and forced back.
i was back to HK, enrolled to the Psychology degree programme, with the student loans.
and no one knows i'm doing a degree, they just think i'm studying for some so call courses.
sometimes i think... i am so hard working and not stupid, but chances come and gone.
maybe i'm just unlucky.
i know what i can do, what i should do, but i just dont have a chance.
sometimes i wonder.... if i am just not that good actually, and this is all i can do, i have reached
my limit already. what i have got before were all by luck.

i dont want to complain, coz... it wouldnt help at all.
but i'm very fed up.
yea, some friends might think i shouldnt say these thigns, and i should just move on and loo forward.
coz you were not me. and you dont have empathy. i m not saying sympathy, it's empathy.
i know if i have tlak with friends, probably they could provide me thousands of ways to walk through
my road, "i mean... they would tell me what i should think and do." but if you understand me enough,
you should know that i have thought about all those before, that's called fed up.
maybe i just want someone to share me a cup of coffee or chocolate, not another text book.

there used to be some ppl can encourage me. but now... i'm not counting on anyone..
i m counting on my own.
i just think... i'm not a baby girl anymore, i dont want to cry to many friends..
coz it doesnt make sense to me anymore.

i m sad, yes. i m frustrated, yes. i need him, yes.
i would stadn up again, yes. i'm so fed up but i would try again, yes.
i would love him still, yes.
i'm so stubbon, no, i m just trusting on myself.
and i believe that there would be ways to go.


There can be miracles, when you believe
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
You will when you believe

They don't always happen when you ask
And it's easy to give in to your fears
But when you're blinded by your pain
Can't see your way straight throught the rain
Small but still, resilient voice
Says love is the relief


Castor, you can do it. coz you can.
you know the strength is from somewhere, you know it, you're not alone.
remember that you're loved and blessed by God.
treasure the days and time with the ppl who have been loving you and the things you have.

i'm still very stressed and frustrated..
i'm sad.
i want a hug, a hot coffee or... some nice chocolate..
and... his support.

>>August 8, 2007 at 5:24:48 PM GMT+8

2007 年 8 月 7 日 星期二 【晴】

i had a case to check this morning.
hummm it took Rechard and i 1.5 hr to trace back records and do calculation =S
ok... problem fixed then started to study for my exam.
damn... it s really complicated and boring..
so many different versions of speech on those professional ethic codes of conduct.

then in lunch time, i walked to Tai Po Market, to search for the other english learning centers.
then i just walked in, and... yea.... i dont know..
i would be back tmr, so to leave my resume.. hummm.

then, i walked back to the office, then, working hummmm yea.. and studying..
then heading to class... on the way have been studying..
then, i got my result of my mid term back. it was... not too bad but not good.
hummmm 80%. 2 essays: 9/10, and 7/10.
i dont understadn how those students got 9.8/10... sigh. nevrmind.

so yea.. tonight i m working on my resume.. then... yea.. tmr got work and might meet Shan and Queenie.
well, so longgggggg havent met them actually. omg.. they're my neaarest close frineds now.
they're living in Tai Po as well, here, HONG KONG with me.. but we just dont have time to meet.
see? ha... so crazy.

anyway...
wish Cap fine.. she seems very sad. she's leaving Van so soon, she's going else where.
i'm a bit sad too. coz... somehow... i thought she would be staying in Van for the longest time,
but then she left so soon. i'm a bit sad.. coz.. the next time when i go there, i wont be able to
meet her there, not Cyn or Ade too. Three of them would be just gone, all back to SG.
omg... i wonder what Van would be like to me without them.
i remember last time in Van, in March and April, we didnt really have much time to get together.
everytime at night, i would leave the earliest. coz... i was hurry going home to Stephen.
but then Ade was kindda unhappy once. she asked me why i have to be hurry home. she said...
i could see him always, not them. at that time i thought she was very sensitive. but i just sthooed her
away with smile. i didnt really think she was right. and now the fact is... after i left, Cap left,
and Cyn will leave and the last one is Ade. i cant believe that happens. and that's what Cap told me too.
i just cant believe that.

and my plan now is not very stable. hummmmm i hope i could have interviews soon,
then i would have a meeting with Edgar and Rami after my finals. then...
perhaps, hope that i could get things done by the middle of Sep.
actually i had the idea and my plan in Jan. i just diddnt really plan in detials or did anything.
coz i was doubt. now, i still hestitate, but then i think i really have to do something for myself,
and here we go... wish me good luck.
i really wish that would work for me....

so, i m very stressed now, coz.. not only about the tire-ness from office,
also for my final exams, i probably wouldnt get any As in this term... i m not sure.. =(
then also for my plan, that very little business, and other personal things.
hummm..

>>August 7, 2007 at 4:39:36 PM GMT+8

2007 年 8 月 5 日 星期日 【晴】

hi there.

today...
i stayed home the whole day, resting, and reading my book.
but i think it was very bad, coz i didnt really do lots of studying.
i mostly rest. but then.... yea... i dont quite understadn myself.
i really wanna study but i m so lazy.
maybe.... i need rest, that's why?

anyway, tmr need to work, then have my last lesson from 7 to 10 30.
hummm.
i m so stressed, and worried.

then yea...
i chatted with some ppl on line.
hummm one of my net friends might come to HK in Sep.
well... i dont know.

and i think i cant carry on study tonight, i would rest earlier in stead...
sigh... lazy castor...

i saw my fortune cookie today..
it said... i should dream of the future, not the past.

>>August 6, 2007 at 4:34:12 PM GMT+8