2007 年 8 月 4 日 星期六 【晴】

hi.

i didnt sleep well last night. it was just.. so so...
i was so tired but hardly asleep. then woke up with sore back.
then rushing ot go, have lunch with my family and relatives, grand parents.
well.. i wouldnt be able to attend grandma's birthday dinner.. so.. yea..
today i saw my grandparents, they look very old now... hummm i dont really feel nice with them
but i dont hate them.. they re still my grandparents, who i respect a lot.

hummm after lunch, we went to the traveling agency,well i saw Kitson there.
one of my old schoolmates from USU. hummm ok.

then i went to pick up my necklace from ans. and bought some canned tuna fish, and some bread.
i made tuna salad for tomorrow lunch. back home resting then slept.
i was so tired but hardly asleep.

i feel bad these few days, i dont know why. maybe too much stress..

i started preparing for my final... hummm.... i dont know..
i feel very stressful. i feel like to eat all the time, even when i'm not hungry.
i eat alot or i just totally dont feel like ot eat. it's extreme. anyway... yea...

sigh...

>>August 5, 2007 at 3:00:12 PM GMT+8

2007 年 8 月 4 日 星期六 【晴】

i m very very very tired..

well.. we have lots of photo taking at the office today.
it was fun. and then... hummm yea.. worked, and i did some reading..

i bought the book from the bookstore in my lunch time. it was great.
i would send this book as a gift for some lovely friends.

Rami talk with me today, i dont knwo when i could make the meeting with him and Edgar..
i really want it soon, A.S.A.P. but.. somehow i cant make time for it.
see how suck it is now. i mean my work.
well, it's a nice job to do, coz i really love children and i love my part time teaching too.
i like my organize work at the office, to take care to keep the center well,
but... when i think of my responsibilities at my study, i just feel so sorry for that..
coz i cant do what i can or supposed to do. i'm so tired ALL THE TIME.
and i'm so.. dissapointed at Ella. she's very unfair. so.. yea... it sucks..
i really need to get out from the office and move on my life with the better chances and flexiblities.
well Elchards gives me autonomy, but i need to reduce my working hrs, which is impossible.

anyway.. yea.. that's life.
everyday got ups and downs. it's never end, never pasue.
and what i'm doing... maybe.. just trying to live my life..
so... what's this? what's that?

>>August 4, 2007 at 5:23:55 PM GMT+8

2007 年 8 月 3 日 星期五 【晴】

hummm

this morning.... i woke at almost 12... then... yea rushing to go..
have lunch with Miki, then we went to the library, and then back to Elchards, the office.
coz... Miki and her schoolmates practiced oral exam, i volunteer helping them.
it was about 1 hr 30 mins. 2 sections of exam practicing, then some mind map practice,
then some reading and pronounciation practice. i think they have learnt something new today =)
i'm happy.

then... i went to Tsim Sha Tsui... Miki came with me. then i shopped at Esprit edc, it was so damn cool
hahaha. not really actually, im just kidding. i wanted to buy that dress, i really love that shose as well.
but then... .. . i didnt buy those, i bought another t-shirt and dress =) which are so cute.

anyway... had somethgn to eat, then sent Miki to the bus stop, and i rushed back to school.
well.. i was late...
anyway... good class but i was so so tired. then... yea..
got my result back, the Issue and Ethics class paper... it was 91% omg.. it's high.
so i might be able to get a B now. i hope that my final exams wont be too bad...


tomorrow i would need to work..
but then i'm making my study plan tonight.
and i'm still planing on some work stuffs. yea... i'm kind of worried.

>>August 3, 2007 at 4:54:10 PM GMT+8

2007 年 8 月 1 日 星期三 【晴】

hi.

hummm bored at work today, but still okay.
got working on the flyers and some enquries today.
had lunch with my family ,and got dresses back.
those are lovely =)

today i have been thinking of the teaching stuffs.
and then i think of my friends and him.

hummm tmr would have class, but before that,
i would go out with my sister Miki then had the exam practise with her classmates.
yea... some kindda like tutorial class, but not that formal.. just some oral exam practice.

hope Karen is fine... hummm coz finals are coming pretty soon.. hope she could make it..
then yea.. would i meet her tmr? =(

i miss my friends. i miss him, yes him someone in Van.

>>August 2, 2007 at 3:29:36 PM GMT+8

2007 年 7 月 31 日 星期二 【晴】

this morning i was pissed by a lady who was jumping into the line.
i was waiting for the mini bus, that lady jump into the line while i was planing to get on the bus.
coz the thing is.. there's only 1 more seat, if i cant get on, then i would be late to work.
she got on the bus, the door was closing, then i said very loudly "EXCUSES ME ?! I was here FIRST."
hummm i was so angry i spoke in english... some ppl behind me said yea, she came first..
then that lady was so embarassed getting off.
i was embarassed too.

anyway.. work..
and i got my pay cheque today.. i was... shock.. coz it was less than 3000.
and i wonder how come... Ella told me coz i could only got 1 paid-sick leave.
man, i took three times. but i got the doctor notes. and she d never told me about that kind of rules before.
i felt bad actually. coz the thing is... i had been working hard for you, i had been doing a lot of work,
and i was very ill at home, and i had my study to work on, i didnt mean to run away from work.
she knew i was really sick and i need my salary. if she's good, she really cares about her employer,
would she really care about that little money? i dont know. she has her role anyway, but i think..
if i was her, i wouldnt really care about that little money. coz i would think my employer deserve
that salary, not just coz of 1 or 2 day leaves from sickness, then i had to minus the money.
i think .. it's very bad actually. i had been working for her giving her whole support at her business,
and her personal life, if she values me efforts at working life or personal life, whould she really
using that kind of lame excuses to talk to me? think about that, my salary is not high, and i had been
doing mor than my job. and we are not just boss and assistence realtionship. we are friends too.
if she understands the situation well and consider things clearly, would she still make the same
decisions? i totally dont get her. it's like i dont know her now.
it's not just about money that matters.. but look at this... does she really value me at her office?
i think... she doesnt anymore.
well, i have helped her so much, supported her for long.. and now the business is getting better
and better... but she seems not value me anymore. i feel like shit.
i dont think i would stay long either than.
at first, she really has her dream to chase at the office... but now... i dont see her doing the same
thing actually. since the business expanded, she aims at money more than education or services.
and yea.. the office 's more organized and earning much more now.. and her policies might seem
smart coz she earns, but i dont think she's getting smarter, actually more stupid.
she's not doing the right thing. since a school becomes the money earning tool, it's changed,
it's not the good school anymore. it s not necessarily bad, but look at who is managing the school.
generally, her attitude towards the whole business is changed.
i dont know.. i'm glad that i have been planing to quit, coz now i really find that we are very different.
well, i didnt sense that i dont feel good at my work, now.. maybe my salary just reminds me that
i should move on to the next level, or say i should get anotehr job. coz Elchards Education or Ella
doesnt deserve my efforts and loyalty. i feel so pity and bad. coz i had been... really putting them into
my heart, i care about this place so much, i care about Ella so much. but now.. seems like she's changed.
somehow.. i think.... my efforts at work is not only about my responsiblities, it's my heart and care too.
wherever i go, whatever i do, i do think of Elchards. eventhough i m in Van, i do things for them and the
students. even her personal things, i help in. well... she breaks my heart.
so eventually, i'm not valued. so.. what is it now? i want to quit.
i m so fed up.
i still need to work anyway, but ... yea... i just wonder... what kind of business world is in the reality...



oh my god....
okay... forget it...

i should work hard on my final exams soon. they re coming in 2 weeks.
omg.. Karen is so sick now.. i m thinking if i passed her the flu... aiya... i'm guilty...

then yea, i think of Cap, Cyn and Ade... i miss them so much.
and Alesja, Kiana as well... wish they're fine..
and then him... i do think of him too, wish Stephen fine.

>>August 1, 2007 at 4:10:29 PM GMT+8

2007 年 7 月 31 日 星期二 【晴】

hihi.

hummm i have done the report last night, it was great.
i woke up late this morning, late to work still okay.
then... i had my own lunch alone, then... yea...

working.. and... resting... then go to class.
we have the presentation tonight. well.... i admit that i was wrong, because i didnt stand for
my points during the discussion we had in class before. and that's the outcome,
everything is just great, but lack of role play time. OMG. i thought of that before, but my groupmates
told me only 5 mins for rople play, but then other used 15 mins.
my goupmates said they dont want the long role play which i was against... holly sh*t... see?
sigh..... other group got A+, and we got B+. it's a whole grade down.
i think.... i'm a bit unhappy about that, and the major "bitch" was the one who didnt show up today.
WTH. forget it, i would never wanna be in group with her. i guess Jamie thought that i planed the
whole group presnetation, that's why when she gave comments, she looked at me all the time.
she seems not understadn that i have the same thought with her actually.
anyway... yea... i'm disspointed, but it's still good, coz i know our report is better than the other group.

hummmmmmm
i felt somethign different today..
it was a moment i felt in love again.

>>July 31, 2007 at 4:25:12 PM GMT+8

2007 年 7 月 29 日 星期日 【晴】

last night, i cried when i laid down on my bed.
hummm then... i was tlakingiwth my sister, Miki.
we were talking about Friday and things.
yea, we are eatting out on Fri noon, before meeting up Karen.
i calmed down. thanks Miki.

then,...
today i was early, i had breakfast with Leggy and mom at McDonald's.
my fav Hot cake with strawberry jam and syrup. cool.
then back to school with my coffee from Starbucks Admirtly.

sigh... it was ..... not so good, i got my mid term back.. yea the make up exam..
it was only 60%... i was.... shocked. coz ... i was quite dissappointed... how come it's so low.
but i know other students dont get really high score.. but... you know... it's hard to accept..
then he said we could know the assignment result tonight through internet.. hummmm i m very worried.
coz.. i know i wouldnt be able to get an A on Sexuality class, but... Issues and Ethics...
oh come on... i should be able to do better, how come it's so low.. i m dissappointed.
then lots of students discuss on it today... then he said,.. hummm...
it could look very strange when the student gets A or B all the time. coz it's impossible so.
it's not MC questions, it's all Essay Questions. omg... i feel bad...
he said actually we are not too bad, but just need to work harder on how to apply the knowledge on
examples, like... relating them. sigh.. i m trying, ok? i dont know what i should do to do better on my
exam. it's like.. i cant remember all the things, and..ahhhhhhh i dont know...

anyway...


hummmm... the book store contacted me... my book was arrived already.
yea i saw a book about dog keeping, and i think of someone, then i wanted to buy it,
but they told me out of stock, so i needed to wait... now thy have it... so... should i buy it?
hummm... and ... then...
yea...

tmr got presentation,.. i had a report to do actually... so bad i'm so tired and lazy.

hummm i m very stressed. we have sharing in class today.
i said i'm depressed. then Dr. Chan was kindda showing us how to counsel me. and some other
students gave in information as well. it was good. i havent took that course yet, perhaps soon.
it actually affects me daily, like... my rest. my emotion affects my working performace and memorry,
and my eating habit is changed too. it's not very very serious i know. i dont need medicine..
but.. i m considering to take a few counseling sessions to seek what kind of problems i have but i
dont even aware. it's very immportant for me. because... i consider myself not healthy now,
coz i seriouslly think that my problems are not getting better, it's been 4 months already,
and i think there are something that i dont know, it's the blindness point about myself.
i know i have distress from many different things. they are like the heavy burden with me everyday.
so... i think it might be the time for me to seek help.
at least to learn how to cope with stress better, and to re-construct some parts of my values.
i find so much conflicts which i couldnt deal with, but affecting me everyday.

today in class, we have discussed alot of ... different cases... it's very complicated..
i m very tired.


okay... here is one song i quite like recently:
ELLIOTT YAMIN LYRICS

Movin' On


When I think about you baby, I can't help it (help it)
I lose all my focus and I just can't stand it
I get so excited every time I hear your name (your name)
and you don't reciprocate and it's a damn shame. Ooh

See, all I'm trying to do girl is give you my time
(give you my time)
Baby, you know, you better not move too slow 'cause I'm movin' on
I'll take the chance and roll the dice,
I might miss out on the love of my life.

'Cause you know as time moves on
I won't always be around
And I'll be gone, and I won't always be down
'Cause I'm giving it up to you, and you know this much is true
As time moves on I gonna be gone 'cause I'm movin' on

I know it sounds crazy but I just can't do this (do this)
It feels like we're wasting time so I'll get to it
When I look into your eyes I can see right through you (through you)
And you don't feel the same way that I do, Oooh

See, all I'm trying to do girl is give you my time
(give you my time)
And you know, you better not move too slow 'cause I'm movin' on lady
I'll take the chance and roll the dice,
I might miss out on the love of my life.

'Cause you know as time moves on
I won't always be around
And I'll be gone, and I won't always be down
'Cause I'm giving it up to you, and you know this much is true
As time moves on I'm gonna be gone 'cause I'm movin' on

I'm telling you, you really missed out on a good thing for sure.
As a matter of fact, I'm glad I didn't walk through that door.
I'm a better man for it, said I can learn from it or ignore it.
You know I've seen it all before
Now your best friend's at my door.

I'm movin' on
Oooh

'Cause you know as time moves on
(Said I'm movin' on)
As time moves on

'Cause you know as time moves on
I won't always be around
(No, I won't)
And I'll be gone, and I won't always be down
'Cause I'm giving it up to you, and you know this much is true
As time moves on I'm gonna be gone 'cause I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on baby,
I'm movin' on
movin' on

Ahh, I'll be gone,
Yes I will.

>>July 30, 2007 at 12:38:42 PM GMT+8

2007 年 7 月 28 日 星期六 【晴】

Do you love your family?
yes i do love my family.


sometimes i m very irretated, coz i cant stand slow ppl doing business,
or say... i dont like wasting time, or being blocked... coz i want things under control.
but it s not so good sometime..

i got class today, but i skipped the morning section.
i rushed back to school.. i woke at 11. omg...
then i bought my lunch, hot dog, and my coffee from Starbucks and rushing back..
when i arrived, the discussion started... hummmm... i joined.
then after class, i went back to Tai Po, bought some color paper, walking ard,
and had dinner with my family... then did some shopping at the supermarket and back home.


hummm today in class... we talk about verbal messages, and non verbal messages.
i wrote lots of notes, and did lots of reading.. it was good and fun.
somehow i adjust to Jamie's teaching style now, i feel easier in class now.

then yea.....
very tired, wanna sleep earlier tonight, then work on the assignment tomorrow,
and i will have class tomorrow too. hum...
good luck Cas..

and good luck to Cap, Cyn and Ade as well.. my dearest friends..
and then good luck to him, Stephen.. coz... i just wish him good and happy...


i find that i have missed so many things... i couldnt turn back time...
but the funniest is i would always miss something, coz... this is what it means to be-- no choices.
i dont want to miss or lose something very important in my life, but i have no choices.

>>July 29, 2007 at 4:39:42 PM GMT+8

2007 年 7 月 28 日 星期六 【晴】

hummm

same old busy Sat,
busy busy and busy.

then after work meeting up Rami.
well, catch up and talk about the plan.
it was nice, kindda relaxing, and knowing more information..
so we're probably going to meet Edgar soon, maybe after the finals.
omg... i m so f*cking tired.

i got so many things in my mind wanna share iwth ppl, but i m so lack of energy,
and i feel like i'm dying soon. hahaha. hummm not funny...

anyway... same old tiring day, with a little bit smile and treats.
always wanna treat myself, so i would smile, have a smile.

tmr got class, from morning till evening. WTH~~~~~~
=(
and tmr need to work on the presentation. hummmm!!!!! i got some replies from my groupmates.
yea, i set up some thing on our topic, otherwise we're gonna waste so much time..
then i feeded back again with my request to them, then waiting for their replies... i only got 3 of them.
2 more i would need, then i have to organize them and make a small report.
and have the discussion with them tmr in class.
i m thinking if that's possible to have a McDonald's breakfast , a peaceful breakfast..
hot cake with jam... hummmmmmmm....
hummm i hope someone could bring me breakfast or have breakfast with me.
but i also know its impossible. why Castor is always so lonely in this busy city?

i miss all of you..
do you miss me too?
if you do, tell me that you do, at least i know you do miss this castor.
you do like this castor...
if you dont.. doesnt matter... piss off.. hahahaha...
seriously... i miss you.

>>July 28, 2007 at 5:37:02 PM GMT+8

2007 年 7 月 26 日 星期四 【晴】

hi...

i rested well last night till almost 12? i forgot..
then i went out with my family ard 2 sth for lunch..
mom, Leggy and i hang out till 5 30pm in Tai Po Center, then i took bus to Admirty,
and got a coffee, the cinnimon hazelnut soya latte, then back to school.
Karen is sick today, we didnt meet before class, we meet at school.
so many articles in class today... =S very tired...

i got my result back, my Sexuality calss mid term and paper,
i got 80% for my paper, 79% for my mid term.
it's bad. it's not too bad in such a big class, but i'm so sure some ppl do much better than me.
and those students are just not me... hummm...
a bit dissapointed but still believe that i could do better, and i m trying to find out what's my weakness.
i guess... the highest score is around 80++%, the best should be ard 90%.
and i guess there should be only 1 or 2 got that 90%. hummm...

in my paper,.. i see the marks... like..
34/ 40 - Knowledge of the Topic
28/ 40 - Personal Ideas or Perspective
8/ 10 - Paper Content Structure
9/ 10 - Presentation.
hummmmmm =( i'm lack of personal reflection and stuffs.
i swear that all my content are made up by myself. i did study the whole context from the media,
different articles, not from our text book, and i 'm very glad that i could have 43/40.
but see my personal part.. it SUCKS. it's 28/40. that means i'm good at everything except self-
disclosure. it weights like .... 3/5 as the knowledge, and 2/5 as my personal perspective..
but that part only got 28/40... compare to those social workers(currently working) as the students
in our class, i m really lack of points on my sharing. i dont have those experience to share,
i dont have my personl persepctive on those. all of my concepts are constructed by the knowledge
from the articles, paper and textbook... i dont have my personal... perception =(
then yea... if i wanna get an A, then... i need to get almost full marks on my final exam...
which is impossible.. =(

and for.... my Ethics & Issues class.... i think i ruined my mid term with my flu.. 20% discounted
then i lost 10% for my presentation part out of my that 20% paper already...
hummmmm =( i m so far away from my A now....
i'm not getting any A in this term maybe..

coz for the Interpersonal Communication, i dont think i can get an A from Jamie's big class.
OMG... i'm nto getting any A in this term...


anyway...
i m so fucking tired.... and then... i m trying to ... you know... firgue out what life is to me now.
it's really... strange since i'm back to HK again.
i'm not promoting that i'm special or whatever, but i do think that i might need help.
omg... my life is changed. it's big change from having sth to lose sth.
and from losing sth to re-gain sth, but losing again and facing fact.
but in this period, there are so many challenges i gotta deal with and have a good achievement.
that's all i ve been doing since April. it's going to be Aug soon..
time flies, and i feel like..... i'm losing my memorries on thigns like... i dont know time passes.
4 months, and too much things happened all together. for me its like ... strange feelings.
4 months could be long to me, but what things happened in past 4 months could last for maybe 6 or 8 months.
and... the thing is.... i m missing my life with him in the past, which sounds contradicting to myself.
coz somehow i m not so sure about our status now. my tust is still there, i d never changed.
but look at the siuation now, is he still in love with me? or it's all just not exist.
no matter what, i'm leading my life now... i m not.... thinking about other guys.
i'm letting go of the sadness, and moving on now. i still love him, i put him in my heart still.
i hope everything could be more possitive in stead of negative, so that i could be happier,
and easier copping with these.

i cried sometimes, but i guess i pay too much attention on love relationship that always bring me
sadness. and maybe i should just focus more on myself in stead. or at least to learn how to balance better.

good night Cas..
tmr.. i need to work as usual. and im sure tmr would be very busy.
and then after work, i would meet up Rami, i got something to discuss with him.
tmr would be an important meeting, then i would have another meeting with another person later on,
then to decide wether quitting at Elchards and start my little business, or keep working at Elchards but
with a new perspective at work.
both would be challenging and good influencing to my future.

there are so many things on my mind now, including my study plan and stuffs.
i might take... a course for teaching ESL, or at least a child-learning teaching programme.
then, i would prepar for GRE, for the requirement of the master degree. then i need to take the TOEFL again.
long term, i m not sure what i would be doing, but still working hard on the present now.
good luck to myslef, Cas. and good luck to him, and then..
good luck to my friends.
and one more... i really love my family... i just love them...
they love me so much..

i miss them all. i love them all.

>>July 27, 2007 at 6:41:52 PM GMT+8