2007 年 11 月 6 日 星期二 【晴】

hi.

hummm i slept for 10 hrs last night, but still not enough.
guess it's like the sleep debt.
anyway.. i got work today, very stressed and busy.

have lots of Chinese typing to do.. then.... yea... very tired... so i got Facebook music accompany me.
if you ask me if it's kindda lonely i would tell you that is nope, but of course... that would be better
if i could have someone right? and i have a net friend on line with me this morning. hummm
i didnt have time for him actually, so we didnt really chat.. but at least i was not alone at the office.
i didnt feel really lonely when my frined wasnt there, but just.... a bit.... like... there was only me,
but i was fine.

then lunch time... i took a walk to the Taiwanese resturant, i got some hot tea, then walked back
to the office, i had Cheong Fun took out. hummm then... had been working...
then, Alex came. i was helping another student at that time. Ella took him.
then, hummm i dont know, Alex is being better today, not as naughty as before.
he didnt cry too. humm maybe his mom had talk with him? or he really scared that i wont take him
anymore? hahah.. i dont know. but i know this kid likes me, and i like him too.
hummmm i am so happy to see him actually, but he is just very naughty. i dont know why he is such
a good boy with Ella or May... but with me, he is just naughty. but he's happy.. maybe coz i let him
being naughty? i dont really want him being too naughty. but.. you cant give too many rules to the
kids since it's time for them to experience and develope their psychophysical skills. so.. yea..
if he is very excited to different toys or books or anything in the classroom, i usually let him do that
and sometimes i would invovle myself too, but just make sure he knows what he should do beside
playing, and let him know the limit. and i just firgued that.. if i give him punishment, i need to make
sure he really understands why i did that and what he did wrong. otherwise that would be the
confusion for him, as in he would misunderstand that we dont let him playing or having fun,
or we only want him to do work, which are not true. if i told him that if you behave badly then i wont
see you again, then he would feel insecure and attacked. these are not what we want or what we
would do. so, i think i should better tell him that, you make me very unhappy and this is not a good
boy would do. today i told him in this way and i notice his face was a bit sad. this kid is a good one.
he starts to realize what he is supposed to do what he is not. then he was trying to make some changes.
i'm happy. coz.. i guess this is right that the love we give the kids shouldnt be conditional. coz if it's all
about the conditional positive regards, the kids would learn to be... selfish and low self esteem.
it might grow up being an unhappy person. coz... it's like... the kid could have this and that, many many
things and all he gains are by his true efforts. he was trying ot do this trying hard to do that for...
ppl or some gifts, but.. then.. slowly, he would just learn to be happy coz he has this he has that.
he might need to take extra steps to realize that he should be happy coz this is who he is.
is it what we want him to be? happiness depends on what he has or doesnt have?
so many ppl are happy coz they're wealthy, but when they lose some money or their wealths,
they feel like they have nothing at all, or some ppl just dont have any motivation in life or whatever,
coz they find themselves have achieved what they want or need. some ppl are just spending life
long chasing for different things, but they're not happy at all, i mean.. the true happiness..
then.. of course.. we all have different needs in our different stages of life or just in diff situations.
we are living in a society, with ppl, with money and good technology... we need food, money, job,
achievements, that's true, the deficit needs. but besides.... what re those... we want?

and... i wonder... what can i do to find my true happiness too. to achieve something or... ?
i think if i can accomplish some goals then i would be happy. if i could go ice skating i would be happy.
if i could have some fav chocolate i would be happy. if i can hang out with the ppl i want i would be
happy. if i go shopping i would be happy. but.. they're not long lasting. even if i could have a nice
dinner or a great sex with someone i love really much, it wont last long too. then i would ask for more,
then i would get bored or i would lose my interests, then i might take them for granted?
i know i wouldnt, coz i really cherrish what i have... but i guess these happiness doesnt last long
unless.... i could really realize what happiness is like and what it means to me.
i hope it would happen when i'm with someone i love, that person and me would mutually share with
each others about every ups and downs in life. always be the first fans or at least to show the
support, passions, and affection.

what i concern is.. if the kid would be mentally healthy. i know everyone would have some certian
issues or crisises happened, coz that's life and experience. no one is perfect or really like an hero.
so, no one could be without any problems in life or totally mental healthy, but.. we could be walking
toward this... being happier and healthier. i hope... psychology could bring ppl hopes new ways
to live a life, to be happier and healthier. and it would enhance our education system and human growth.
you know.. life is more than just days and nights.
i'm not an expert, but... what i have said above is all true from my heart.


i'm actually stressed, coz... i have so much to do... i just got the call from Edgar this afternoon..
i would have two students in the every Sunday AM. i am happy. but i'm very busy.


you know....
there are so many things i dont know and i wanna know...
you know... there are so many great things i wanna see and experience..
you know..... there are so many things i wanna share with my love, but.. i dont know if he is interested.
you know.. i wanna be the girl you point at and say that's her.

as a student, i want my teachers say... "that's her, my student, Castor."
as a teacher, i want my students say... "that's her!! my teacher! Miss Lau!"
as an exmployee, i want my boss say... "that's her. my Castor at work."
as a daughter, i want my parents say... "that's her. my daugther, Kwan."
as a friend, i want my friends say... "that's her, my dear friend... Castor."
as a girlfriend, i want my boyfriend say.... " That's her, The one."

>>November 7, 2007 at 5:51:33 PM GMT+8

2007 年 11 月 5 日 星期一 【晴】

omg... here 's fine again finally..

ok..

Castor got school yesterday and today..
i was already stressed before it started. i couldnt really sleep well..
then... i'm sooooo exhausted.
i wanna type more but my body doesnt let me.

so stressed at work as well. Fucking "teachers" left the mess to us. we lost at least 3 students
coz of their irresponsible behaviors. ard 18 studnets affected.
then.. have been stressed looking for new teachers, new students, and launching new courses
and fixing stuffs. now, i gotta rush making new flyers and doing doc for some other doc.
sigh... but i dont only do adminstration work, i have classes to teach as well.
then everyday got its busy hrs, i'm not free all the time. ahhhhhhhhh i dont know..

at school, i just check and confirm my schedule today. oh noooooo...
i got make up classes this Sat and Sun, then the coming Mon got Mid Term Exam.
i'm very very stressed.. and you know what.. all my classmates were at least late 20's,
and half of them are mid 30's. only me and another girl are young. many of them are just working
in the relevant career. i just went to the bookstore after school. i got one text book, which is not
the main one, but i think this text book is good so.. yea.. i'm afraid....

then today the class was... Adjustment. i was sooooo tired.. lots of class discussion..
and then.. it's kindda like... making us to think alot. i'm so tired. coz we got some students who re
already working in this feild, so... it just stresses me up a bit more. they have some excellent
points of views, while i still hardly trying to express my thinking. it's hard. and like...
i dont know.. i'm just scared. lots of self reflection questiosn and discussions to do.
we spent so much time on discussions, and spent long time on discussing about "true happiness".
it was tough for me to explain what true happiness means to me.

i said... my true happiness is like the feeling of sweet and confortable. it's like eating some tasty
chocolate. they laugh. they said yes they can see that. but then Dr. Chan asked me to describe
more, as in more consice. i was blank for a few mins, trying to find examples...
ahhhhhhh i dont know. then slowly i just said.... i'm easily happy usually unless... i'm living under
huge stress or sadness that i couldnt over come. i like simple things, so anything simple could make
me happy basicly. like.. when i see a flower and i find it cute, i would smile and find happy.
if i could just have a chocolate when i'm down, i would be happy. i used to focus on ppl too much,
like putting my hapiness and unhappiness over some ppl. and that made me really unhappy actually.
like over wheeming. but now, i learn to love myself more, i find myself so beautiful and lovely,
then i am happy to be myself and i love myself. then i feel loved and i am really happy.
but just that... the stress makes me exhausted.. and i need some time to work on what i have to do.
and i m ... working on some other issues in my life as well. so.. yea.. see what would happen next.
i'm just enjoying my life, every ups and downs, every laughs and tears.

then, back to Tai Po, i looked for Shan in office.. it was almost 8 pm.. kindda waiting for her..
then,... Ella told me works to do.. i'm so stressed =( i just dont wanna listen actually..
but yea, if i could just listen first, then tmr morning i could start working on THEM.
but i feel so tired and stressed. i need some good rest.

and the thing is... i will have the busy weeks starting from today, well i should say yesterday..
i got tonz of information and loads of pages to read, and i still need to work extra hard at work.
i wonder if i can handel them... i m feeling sick.


at the moment, all i want my happiness is.. just a warm "hello." or.... someone..
i want Stephen to be here with me. or just wanna stay with him. not running away from my life,
but just... gotta find the connection. he is he, and i am me, we are doing different stuffs,
but just .. i need him.. i want him...

>>November 6, 2007 at 4:36:39 PM GMT+8

2007 年 11 月 1 日 星期四 【晴】

i have a very tiring day..

i woke up and i felt very cold.. the tempertrue really drops.
opps, it drops =P
good good good.. finally the Fall really comes.

then i wlaked to the office, i brought my own tea, and i bought breakfast as well..
so this morning, i have my breakfast with tea. kindda bored..
then i read some article on line. it was okay...
and i wanna ask a question that... is it true that... guys really scare of the woman who has 4 degrees
in Psychology? hahahahaha... i really wonder ;) i'm not that crazy would take ppl into my exam.
well, i guess ppl really misunderstand what psychology is. anyway, i just wanna say that...
if psychology means to take away ppl's life, make ppl disfuntion in normal social life, then why
the heck when ppl got mental illness, or when they cant adapt to life, they need the help from professionalsl?
psychology is through scientific methods and ways to study in human behaviors, and do not make
diagnosis easily based on only one perspective. psychology is not some kindda magic that can see
through what ppl think or feel. it's a humanistic study that let ppl to explore who they are, enhance
self awareness of his own self. we dont help to change his enviornment, we just create ways
with him/her to increase chances to be better understanding of his own life through different
approaches. if it's more specific, it has its own definetion and guideline to rule out what it is included.
we dont do harmful things to clients, we conern on the client's best interest.

so i kindda find it funny that sounds like... the psychology major is very scary and destructive to
interpersonal relationship. i am so glad that i'm a psychology student, coz since i have the knowledge
of this major, i actually realize more about human behaviors and development. i understand more about
human relationship and its growth. i find it very meaningful, coz it might help oneday in my own
story, as in my life. it is actually helping anyway. so i am very happy. it is gonna help me more in my
future career path, my family, my marriage, my motherhood, my social life and the relationship with
my community and society. i wanna contribute more to my community and i would know what i need
to do. maybe i wouldnt meet some major crisis in my life? i dont know, but i should be able to cope
better or i might even be able to influence ppl or help some ppl in my life. i find it more meaningful for my self than studying in business or some other industries.


anyway... i went home to change my clothes in my lunch time.. it was too cold.
Ella's bro, Eallry came. hummm he was kindda chatting with me, telling me that he is pure single now.
i was thinking he doesnt have to tell me, and i wouldnt be interested in dating my co-worker's ex bf,
especially she's my friend, and it was a really really huge mess that no one would wanna be involved.
then i walked back to office. then i started to be busy. yea... busy working on some doc for Ella.
it was okay...

then Alex came... omg.. i am sooooo tired... it was so tiring to have lesson with him recently.
he was very very naughty. and i feel like sometimes i gotta fight with him as in power.
he doesnt listen to me unless i gotta scold him or ignore him for a really long time. i was angry at him.
i drop one chip on floor, so i put it on the table. and he took it and put it into his mouth. i tried to stop him.
i asked him to stop. i asked him put it down. he heard and kept eating it. then i took away his plate of
chips. he pulled with me, and then chips were thrown on the table. then he graped the chips on table
then squeezed them into mouth. i was so angry at him. i took away the chocolate which i given him.
then i took everything to the store room. he followed me. he was angry and asked me why i took
away his chocolate. i said coz you didnt listen to me. then he ran back to the classroom and closed
the door, and seat at the door, didnt let me in. i just waited outside. i waited for awhile and i got Ella
to talk with him. Ella asked him what happened and blamed him. she got him apologize to me.
i went in, then he seat on the fround and covered himself. actually i was angry at him in the whole
class time, since he has been very naughty and not listening all the time. i was going to call his mom
to come picking him up. and everytime when i take the phone he acted differently. he has been crying
for a few times recently. and i really dont want him crying without a reason. and slowly i just think
that he cries becasue he didnt realize he was wrong and he didnt like to be punished.
of course i have asked him why, and we have tlak about what it right to do, what is wrong to do..
i didnt really punish him, but the way i ignored him or lectured him just made him feeling like punishment.
but it all didnt teach him to be a good boy. and i feel like it is not all my responsiblities to teach him being
a good boy. i m sure he is learning all these naughty behaviors and attitudes at home. so.. i just dont
know what i should tell his mom about. if i should compliant or not... i m not very confident, i think i might
get challenged, since my class size is always only one or two students. i cant really be a real... tutor?
that means i'm not a good tutor? that's why i only have one student or two? i dont know..
i cant deny that i am not very good, coz i m not trained and this is gonna be my 2nd year to do a tutor
job... and.. my concern is not only on how many classwork we can do or how well the student can
do at exam. it's not what the kids really need when they're still 6 or 7. i m not saying all they need is
to play, but what i mean is.. what they should really learn from th text book and outside school.
so, we dont only read text book or following school syllabus, we do extra work, and thinking work.
i dont know... and i kindda feel bad coz... i dont have much students. and i think it is also regarding
our HK culture that... parents seek for cheap and nice tutorial school which teaches children
homework and expecting tonz of exercises... firstly, we are not tutorial school and we couldnt provide
that cheap services as in "baby sitting and teaching homework". secondly, we couldnt provide
that long hrs services everyday, so.. parents dont find us fit what they need. i could understand that.
Fiona finds me different form Ella, and she thinks Ella teach better.. i guess... the class is just different.
and i dont know.. maybe it's right that i am just not a good tutor. and i'm trying o improve myself. but
i have met some good students though, and they give good comments. so.. i dont know..

then tonight, Winnie came. we kept working on those notes together. it was good. and we got a bit
chatting since she was getting tired. she is even more busier than me. then.. yea she shared her
problems with me. so.. i became someone kindda like the counsellor, which i dont find myself qualified yet.
but she was happier when she left. i was glad. she was a bit relief. then yea.. she told me.. she is
coming back next week, and she would share with me. omg.. i was thinking.. i was only helping her
oral, and now i am also doing counselling? i dont find myself good enough yet. i guess i should be
more like a friend next time instead of trying to be professional, yea?

i saw Benny's profile yesterday and i was angry.. today... i just checked my Facebook..
and i wondered to blocked him or canceled him. i find myself still... kindda hate him. i couldnt accept
that he came adding me. i think he should apologize if he wants to be friends with me.
like Henry, he came back being friends with me, i was okay, he expliant to me about his situation
before, i could understand and i forgave him. but then he wanted more, he started flirting again,
and i refused him a few times, and finally i just told him directly that i dont like him acting like that to me.
everything has changed since he has made his choice, i have my choice as well. he insulted me.
so yea... he doesnt find himself wrong, and i dont wanna talk with him anymore.
and for Benny.. in Facebook, frienship status request, i wanna click " i dont even know this person."
but then if i click this, i would need to delete him from my friend list. i wanna let him know that i dont
want to talk wth him again, but i wanna know why he did that to me and just walked away.
anyway.. i thought he has gone far away and i dont wanna be in contact with him since like that.
he came back adding me and i found uncomfortable. i wondered to leave him mesg on The Wall,
that "i fucking hate you, piss off, and dont let me see you ever again. you didnt apologize for what
you did and dont ever think that i would forgive you and be friends with you." i didnt post it, coz..
i dont know i hate him but.. i dont wanna act stupid. so i just wrote on the friendship request that..
" 'Meet Randomly:' Castor doesnt know this person anymore. 'We Dated, and Now:' we'rent speaking."
if he accpted that, i would treat it as nothing or i might just block him anyway. i just need him to know
that he shouldnt add me back or he should apologize. if he blocks me or deltes me, i would be pissed
but i dont care about this asshole. i want him piss off in my life like what i have said. i told him
once that if he really doesnt like what i have been trying for him, i would just walk away from his life.
and now i am glad that i really did that. coz he doesnt even deserve 10 cents from me.
i want him to piss off whatever it takes.

i used to think of.. why ppl still get angry or hate their ex, there must be something very huge in their
life that he/she loves the lover so much, so.. actually the "hatres" might be still the "love".
well i guess it's true till... something is really changed that... all the love is just dead and gone, what
remains unchanged is only about the hurts and hate. since time pass, experienced more, being in
a new relationship, self actualizing more, defintely change me feelings towards ppl and my past.
and i'm so glad that i am still the Castor ppl know, and i adore myself and cherrish myself more.
i wanna be loved, firstly by myself. so... i'm feeling stronger that i am living a life for myself as well.
i m not letting ppl hurt me so easily like that anymore. i love my past, coz it's my story, but i love my
present too, and i do treasure what i have and who i am now.. so.. yea... i am happy.

i dont know... maybe it is good or bad.. i dont care. this is me, love me or leave me. i respect that.
i guess the ppl who know me well, they would really feel so happy for me that they finally see Castor
moving on and letting go of her sadness. she finally starts to learn how to love herself more and
being stronger for herself. thank you all my good friends. you know what... i really wanna thank them.

i miss Stephen, i miss my friends, i love them... and i love myself.
i'm not the best, but i defintely love myself ;)

>>November 1, 2007 at 6:04:00 PM GMT+8

2007 年 10 月 30 日 星期二 【晴】

hello.

i got some sweet dreams last night.. it was nice...
heehee.. i saw Stephen actually.

humm i woke up rushed to go to work..
then this morning was quite free.. i got chatted with Stephen on line, with cam.
haha i like our conversation today... i have thought of lots of things though.. then we talked.
i like discussing things with him.

i saw many many kids from the kidergathen are wearing custome today, so cute =)
hahaha.. some came in, some were waving with me. so cuteeeeee..
we have prepared some candies for them =)
then... Tommy from the next shop came in before i got off, asking me if i have a date tonight..
well Tommy is nice but i was not interested to go out with him. he said he would like to date me.

then lunch time, i went to post office. i spent my whole lunch time there..
then had lunch at 7-11 hummmm too rushy to have lunch..

then back to work.. have been busy..
got class with Alex today.. omg... it was.... not that good.
he was so naughty, and i scolded him for a few times, he cried.
and his exam was not good, it was only 81. so.. yea kindda understanding why he did bad..
then yea... we had games today, coz it's just after exam so we played games..
but he was too naughty, so i soclded him.. he was jumping over my tables and chairs.
he cried. he is such a baby. but.. yea.. i cant let him being so naughty all the time. i need him to
know that he shouldnt do that. oh man i m sure it takes a really long time to let a naughty kid like
him to understand and try to behave himself, yea?
then.. May came in scaring him that i will not teach him anymore, so he has to join Ella's or May's.
Alex was acting strong, pretending like nothing, didnt hear anything, but i could see his eyes,
he was not happy. he always looked at me then looked down. i knew he was ... scared.
then, when May left the room, i asked Alex if he wanted Miss May to teach or Miss Lau.
he said me. he doesnt want May. then i told him then he better be a good boy.
i asked him would he throw my key on the ground again, i asked him if he would keep jumping over
my tables and chairs, if he would listen to me in class. blah blah blah.. he wanna cry.
he really thought that i wouldnt teach him anymore. he is so cute and a happy kid.. so i feel bad
to make him cring... coz i knwo it's not good for a kid though. but just coz he is too naughty, and
sometimes it could be rude as well, i really gotta let him know he is being inappropoate in my class.
i feel bad making him cry but yea.. i try to use rewarding, but i think sometimes punishment is necessary too.

Brett came today, he has one class to teach. i didnt really talk with him, coz .. i dont know..
since Joey and Leona did that to me, Ella and the center, i kindda feel uncomfortable with Brett.
i know Brett is a nice person, but just coz of Joey and Leona, i dont wanna have much interaction
with him. especially i relaize that Joey could be very jealous if Brett is.. you know... that kind of
troubles.. i hate that.

then after work, i just walked home. Ella was so funny.. hahaha.. we got chatting... and joking..
then Richard was funny too. well Richard used to be very shy with me, but now we're friends =)
i dont mind being frined with Richard even though he's Ella's husband. coz Ella and i are good friends,
and they are so in love hahahaha.. so i feel comfortable with them ;)

anywya..
just now..... i logged in Facebook.. i saw Benny Chew added me there..
i guess coz at the begining when i signed up Facebook, i sent e-mail to all in my hotmail.
so from that time i have invited him automatically.. i think i dont wanna add him actually but just...
i dont care, i cant be bothered to list out the ppl i dont want from my hotmail.
and now he added me back i feel soooooo UNCOMFORTABLE. the thing is... he was so bad to
block me on MSN, he is still blocking me or already deleted me. why the hell today he added me
on Facebook. i think this is so stupid and it really makes me thinking of the horrible past of us.
you knwo what.. i just wanna slap him. i swear. i wanna beat him. he put on information there..
and it really irretates me. coz... i just hate what he did to me when we were together.
and now.. i dont wanna face him anymore. it was hte terrible end of us before, and i would never
be able to forgive what he did to me. i thought i did but .. i just couldnt accept how could he treat me like that.
i just fucking hate him. i'm so sorry.


and you know what... i used to feel nice about.... Facebook..
but slowly... got some "friends" who have stepped on my back, and some are NOT my friends who
has hurted me so bad but still came back trying to flirt, and someone who has just left me without a
word, let me waiting for months, and finally let me found out by others that he has a new girlfriend,
and now after a year adding me back to let me know about his. what's wrong with the ppl now?
i just want them to leave me alone.

anyway.. i didnt realize how to love myself, and.. i hang myself in the air that everyone can love me
or hurt me, get advantages from me. but now i'm not. i love myself so much, i m so glad about who
i am. and none of them could ever hurt me again by all those shitty nasty acts. i'm not strong, but i am
not that weak as if you could break me down so easily.

i used to give in all of myself to ppl without limit.. but now, i wanna be loved and firstly by myself..
i still love ppl, i still give in lots to ppl coz i am just like that. this is me, and i love to do that.
but i wanna be loved as well, so at the same time i love myself so much too. i m so happy about who
i am, and i'm not giving up on myself so easily anymore.

i love my friends, i love Stephen, i love my family, i love my life so much.
and the most important thing is..
i love God, and i love myself so much.

i miss ya!! ^^
yes.. i miss you...

>>October 31, 2007 at 5:49:46 PM GMT+8

2007 年 10 月 29 日 星期一 【晴】

hummmm

Castor was sad last night. coz she had been worried for the software.
today she is fine after confirming in this morning that she might have helped her guy a bit already =)

i woke up ard 11 15am... then came on line waiting for Stephen...
talked with Stephen and Cap.. then washed up.. then rushed to go meeting up Miki,
my sis for lunch. we had Jap food. it was fine.. just i was not feeling well..
it's been a few days though.. cant really eat.. i feel dizzy sometimes.
but anyway... i feel much much better after talking with Stephen..
at least i dont need to worry about the software anymore.

well, after lunch, i walked her back to school, i walke ard then met Shan.
we went back to the office. she will join Elchards.
we stayed there for a an hr sth, then we left and we had bubble tea.. then... we walked ard.
i shopped at the bookstore, then we went home. i was so tired, i just rested and relax.

i hope i can go to the post office tomorrow..

>>October 30, 2007 at 6:12:34 PM GMT+8

2007 年 10 月 28 日 星期日 【晴】

hihi...
=(


i'm sooooo tired.. i'm not happy.
i find myself so dumb...

i actually couldnt sleep last night.. i was tossing and turning in bed till this early 7 sth am..
i woke up at 1 pm... Mendy called me..
it was a big mess in office this morning. omg.. something happened about Leona and me and Ella.
i was totally... numb. then i firgued what she's taling about... then i realized that.. SHIT.
i totally forgot the students were not coming this morning, but i really really forgot to call Leona not
to come today. i called her on Sat that to confirm she would only need to come on Mon, by her
request. and then... the studnets' paretns canceled the class to me on Sat afternoon, and i was
busy so i just marked it on the schedule but totoally forgot to call Leona not to come..
then she came today, and scold Mendy. Leona was so angry and asking for Ella's number and my
number. she was so rude to Mendy. omg.. i was so pissed off. so, Mendy and i was talking for
a long while to see what we should do next. then i rushed to go.. coz i need to go searching the
private software today.

i went to Wan Chai.. i was looking for the place that my cousin Fung told me last night..
i found two places.. only one place got that kind of shop for software.
there are just many many porn movies shops or games shops, and some adult shops..
the men there are so bad. they glanced at me in some... "weird way" that made me very uncomfortable.
then.. i went in and.. i found the one i needed, then i paid $100, coz i didnt know it would cost $200.
then i went to ATM to take cash, and i called Stephen to ask if he wanted the $200 or $400.
i was supposed to buy the $200 one only. then when i got back to the shop.. the gate was hlaf down,
then i saw two men inside taking the pictures down of the walls. then they came out and told me that
the shop is cleared, is closed already, just go away.
i was so scared. REALLY SCARED. then i just walked away and tried to find anotehr shop in that
building.. andi called Stephen. i told him what happened.. i felt so sorry and i felt so dumb of myself..
i felt so scared and very angry.. i didnt know what to do. i really hated that..

then.. i called Sheila, my cousin, coz i knew she might be free to talk with me.. i was just scared.
i need the direction to get back to the MTR station. then... Shan called me as well..
she knew i was going to find private stuffs so she was a bit afraid i couldnt handel that..
then.. i told her i was going to Mong Kok. coz there were a few places might have..
so i rushed to there.. you know.. everyone knew that i hate being in Mong Kok..
coz.. i'm so lost there, there are always crowed and.. i am so poor at direction.
then i dont shop in Mong Kok as well. but today i just walked through almost the whole Mong Kok
so as to find those shops. i am so proud of myself. i didnt see any for selling software..
but same as before, so many porn movies, many adult shops, many for games too..

then.. i went to Sum Sui Po... Shan told me she d never seen any in there but i really wanna try..
i was afraid if there is no, then i might need to go back to Tai Po, there is one selling private copy..
but the copy i saw was not the update version and i m not sure if it's for Mac.
so i really tried the two computer centers there. but no. then... i didnt wanna give up..
soooooo i went to a very small and dull building.. it was like... some nasty place... but i did believe
there might have those kinds of shops.. and i finally got one shop selling what i need..
then.. it was more expensive than in Wan Chai... and i was lack of cash..
the one i am supposed to buy was $250. and then the much better one was $500.
it was too risky and expensive for me. i dont trust them. i have already lost $100.
if i got the $500 one, it would be like $600. and i dont know if they do business or just fool money..
so i didnt wanna risk that. i was lack of cash and i 'm afraid that... if i leave, they would leave too..
so i just getthe cheaper one, and then.. they asked me to pay full. i paid.. and asked.. how long i had
to wait, they told me that.. 1 hr... and i asked what if they are closed.. he told me to came back at 9 30.
i was shocked. coz i definetely dont wanna stay till 9 30 in that nasty district. you know... the way
those men looked at me was like the men was looking for a hooker. i was the only female in those
places. when i walked by some porn moives shops, those guys inside asked me to go in.
the south american men came wishpered me "hey sexy". i was like.. blank.
in that one hour, i sit at McDonald's. i was worried.. i dont know if i was waiting for nothing,
or if there are police officers coming to check on me or anything.. coz the men in that district are
quite weird. they like to glance at women. so uncomfortable. i went back to there, i was worried..
if there might police show up. i went back before 6 pm, i was thinking if it was too ealy... but i waited
outside the shop till 6 15pm. i got the coppy then i rushed to leave.. i was so scared.

i got the call from my cousin Sheila.. she wanna meet me.. so i waited for her in Festival Walk.
i felt much more secure leaving that nasty place. then... we have been chatting...
coz she needs someone to listen to her. so i was listening. and i just thought of the ... serial number..
then i checked ! it was NOT on the cover or the dis. OMG.!!!
i'm sooooooo dumb.... =( i'm so unhappy. i find myself soooo dumb...
after all.. i couldnt help much............... i feel so sorry....
but then just now Fung told me i could still get the number when i install the software..
coz there is a file in the dis called "crack", and the number is inside.
Fung said... guys should be able to fix that by themselves, coz it is easy for them..
thanks him.. i know.. i was dumb.. but lucky that i get helps from everyone...

sigh... then i had been listening to Sheila, and trying to make her feel better..
and we planed to go ice skating on Sunday... but i wonder if i should go back to that place to ask them..
sigh......... i m not happy...

then Sheila and i walked ard the shops... we found something nice and on sale.. but i didnt wanna
buy anything anymore.. i have used quite a lot money on transist today.. from NT to HKI then to KL,
and back to NT. so traveling ard the whole parts of Hong Kong, yea? sigh. so tired.
tomorrow i just wanna rest. but i need to go back to office to fix something and yea... Shan is gonna
replace Mendy. coz Mendy quits.. she needs to help her sister in stead. so i need to go back to the
office tomorrow to arrange some stuffs. and.. i know Ella was very very angry about Leona and me.
sigh. i'm going back tomorow to see what i can do... =(

hummmm i hope things would be fine...
and i do hope that... i could help Stephen... i dont want him wasting money on that software..
i know i might not help much... so i'm not so happy, i just really wish that copy could help him...

thanks for everyone who has ever answered my questions on this.. i'm really stupid in technology stuffs.
so.. actually i should be proud of myself today, from the first day being so brave to try helping,
then i kept searching and learning what programs inside, and asking price, comparing, and
finding places to get private copy, then being alone to those nasty places.. i really didnt see any
girls in those places, i was the only one. so... this dumb dumb castor was not too bad, right?
ahhhhhhhh i could only say that to make myself a bit less down. =(

>>October 29, 2007 at 5:00:34 PM GMT+8

2007 年 10 月 27 日 星期六 【晴】

hihi..
i feel dizzy... i fainted at home just now..

i woke up ard 12 30... i was too tired..
then i rushed to have lunch with my family. we had dim sum. i didnt eat much. i dont feel well.
then i went to TST. omg.. i was so tired. i was looking for that book store, i need to get my text book.
i was kindda lost. then eventually i got it, but i was waiting there for long. the book store is really new.
i guess it just opened not for long. then yea.. then i passed by Esprit. heehee i bought the dress,
which one i really wanted once. it was on sale, from 300++ droppig to 159. and i get another 10% off
from my VIP membership. hohoho~ it was cheap cheap cheap~~~ =)

i got coffee from Pacific Coffee. i felt dizzy..
i couldnt walk, i took bus to HArbour City.. i saw Surin! the gril who was my co worker in the team at
McDonalds in Star House!!!! ^^ i was chatting with her for awhile. did some charity as well.
she needs help. i am considering i might go back to McDonalds for help in Christmas days.
then... i went to the Computer City in Star House.. i was searching the softwares for Stephen.
i found them. some are cheap, some are not cheap. i just wrote down the information for him.
and i was asking friends where i can find the private copy. my cousin Fung told me the address.
i think i'm going tomorrow.. by myself.
i dont like to go there, coz the ppl there are like criminals or whatever, it's a complicated place.
i am scared. but yea.. i'm going tomorrow. it's much better than going to China.
i do hope it could help him...


hummmm i dont know why i feel dizzy.. is that coz i'm just too tired ?
i dont know. i guess i need to rest more.

>>October 28, 2007 at 6:09:26 PM GMT+8

2007 年 10 月 26 日 星期五 【晴】

hi.


today.. i wored.. i walked to the office.. so tired...
then i had been busy. i had lunch with my family. it was nice.
then back to the office, had been quite busy.. but still chatted with Stephen.
we just discussed on someting.

then Fiona came. omg.. i was very sleepy. but yea she was fine today. she was happy.
then... hummm in the end, she asked me if i think i teach better or Ella teaches better.
i said Ella teaches better. and i asked her what she thinks. she said i have said that already.
she said there re many words i dont know. then i need to ask Ella.
hummm i dont wanna make excuses, i said yes but not all the words.
and honestly... i am not trained, but Ella is trained and she has been a teacher since 6 years ago.
i just started last year.. and... there are many British terms i really dont know what they are.
my English is a bit weird, because i was under two different system. British and North American.
so... when Fiona questioned me about some words i just couldnt answer her.
and for me... my style is just not that kind of... "teaching". i rather let the students to find the answer
by themselves. i give hints and answer what they need to know, and they gotta find the answer.
so... students learning with me feel hard sometime, coz they need to think alot sometimes.
but when they understand something they are happy and they have reward. i make things easy for
them. i mostly teach basic concept, so after they understand the concept, i use the concept to
guide them doing exercises. i chat with them, listen to them, they like to talk with me..
then we do some work and we learn something together. sometimes i would help them to spell words.
this is the way i do with them.. i'm not like Ella. i think she is better. but.. i dont blame myself,
coz i am not really qualified as a teacher. i need to take calsses to get a liscen, and i want to in long.
just cant be now. and now i'm just exploring and experiecing what kids need.
i am not longer being too permissive to them, i have my rules with students now. yet let them have
choices sometimes, let them choose sometimes. they need to feel secure by rules. so yea and care as well.
anyway.. i dont know.. i understand that Ella teaches better in Reading and Writing class.
but i am not doing this. i'm only doing one on one focusing on Exam. i only do revision, spellings,
some comprehension and grammar practise, writting practise. i dont want her expecting too much..
coz... it was not what we re supposed to do. i hope she likes the classes we had, even though i do understand
there were some comparisions. i know it.. and of course i will try to improve myself.
so yea.. i m a bit not happy but i like her opinion, so that i could work on my short-coming.


then.. i got off a bit earlier today.. i need to go to the gathering.
it was so awkward for me to be there. coz as i saw... 85% students there were still like kids..
i was the group of senior... and... i didnt see anyone i know, expcet my sister Miki and her friends.
then... yea... it was okay... just a bit strange as first..
then later, i got chatted with some teachers, they dont recgonize me. hahaha..
then got taken pics with the teachers. and yea...
had food, and chatted with the students. nice. i enjoyed alot.
Mr. Hui gave me a photo as a gift. it's is fav. butterfly in it =)

and... we walked home... had ice-cream ball. it was nice. then... yea.. back home resting..
too tired.. and got chatted with Alesja.. i got some bad news. omg.. i'm so sorry to hear that..
then... i m trying to... you know.. be there for her.. dont know what i can do more..

then yea... tomorrow... i would meet aunt Priscilla, then.. before, i need to buy my text book first.
then.. i will search for the softwares for Stephen. i have a few places on my mind..
i doooo hope i could find them tomorrow or on Monday, then i really hope they would be the right
version and the price could be cheaper than in Van..

>>October 27, 2007 at 6:14:20 PM GMT+8

2007 年 10 月 26 日 星期五 【晴】

hummmm

i m very busy today....
i walked to the office this morning, nice. sunny.
but then yea... when i got to the office.. i heard the baby crying in the classroom.
Ella scared her. omg. she put on the ugly mask teaching Halloween. it was so funny..
coz she scared a few students already i guess. and today the baby is missing her mom,
and Ella sacred her. hahaha she cried sooooo loud.. she couldnt join the class.
so i was in class assisting. i have to pet her, take care of her.. gave her water, biscuts..
she is such a doll. but i wonder this baby grow up would be quite dependent, attachment.
i guess she is only ard 1 year 7 months...

then yea.. after this class, had a meeting with Ella. discussing on things and promotion things.
i think the coming months i would have tonz to work on... and i just forgot my plan to quit..
omg.. i dont wanna leave Ella and Elchards.. i wanna help her..
btw... i dont have any news from Edgar or Rami.. i m kindda worried for things. sigh.

anyway, Ella talk with me about Joey and Leona again. i explaint to her why i dislike them.
Ella thought Joey and i are good friends. i told her yea but not in the end. i explaint and analyzed
with her about what i saw and thought about them in detials. i dont dislike them at first, but just
based on what they did to the students and me, i just really dislike them. i consider them as liars,
irresponsible for the students, cunning, trying to decieve us with plans. it was a big mis conduct in
the educational industry. i could even write a report with details to support my say.
i couldnt stand someone, who is a TEACHER, like that. so cunning.. so irresponsible.


then i just thought that i should only have 5 more courses in stead of 6. coz i have taken Group Dynamics.
omg.. i definetely need to talk with the school again. there must be something wrong.

then.... i dont know... i m so tired..

i have talk with Stephen today. hummm yea.. for awhile. i'm trying to help him searching for some
softwares. i do hope i could find them, coz it should be cheaper, well i do hope it would be cheaper.
i miss him. and i'm thinking maybe we will meet soon.

then.. after peak hrs, i just worked on some promotions again.. then... yea.. chatting with Alesja on line.
she was not okay, but.. i hope she would get better soon.. wish her all the best.

tmr need to work.. and.. yea.... i will have a gathering party after work.
then Sun i would meet aunt Priscilla. i need to go buy my text book, and then... maybe looking for
the software for Stephen.

>>October 26, 2007 at 6:10:04 PM GMT+8

2007 年 10 月 25 日 星期四 【晴】

hi.

i'm so dman tired today...
this morning was so free.. i just read my fav book, had my breakfast- boiled egg, with hot tea.
then yea.. chatting for awhile with Stephen. we talk about school and other things.

then i had lunch with mom. hummmmm back to the office, i was busy then...
i got Fiona class today. hummm... she cried, not coz of me, but her mom. she was 20 mins late.
then after awhile, i got Alex. he was naughty, but i have been strict to him recently coz of his exam.
well i m stressed coz he has been losing his english. so yea. i was trying to do tonz of revision
and exercise with him, and finally he is doing fine. i hope he would keep it well. somehow i treat
him like my son, i dont only teach him on his book, i also teach him to be a good boy, it s like...
kindda take care of his development. of course i couldnt be fully responsible coz i'm not his real mom.
but just within my ability, i keep my eyes on this kid. he is a nice kid, happy and smart. i like him =)
just do what i think it's right and good for him and do what i could do...

then after classes, i rested and worked.. then... yea... tidying up... then MAy's new boyfriend came.
omg. he really came. Eallery was just on the phone with me.. i was nervous.
but May's new boyfriend is quite good looking, but i am not sure if he is a nice guy.
i do hope he would be May's mr. right. coz i just hate what Eallery did to May.
so yea.. Ella, Richard, May, and her new guy and her girl just had dinner tonight i guess..
i didnt join, i guess i would be very uncomfortable. ahahaha wish the dinner was fine with Ella.


Sat night i would have a gathering party, organized by TPMS, my primary school.
my sister Miki and i were invited. hummmm i am the class representative, i didnt know about that.
so i have to be there by 6. but i wouldnt be able to be there by 6, the earliest time would be 7 sth.
anyway.. yea... i would go.. but i m a bit afraid how many old schoolmates i would see..
coz the thing is... i was not the popular kid at school. i was a good kid but not outstanding at all.
i always fail my Eng and Maths. i was always scared of the teachers and my classmates didnt
always play wth me coz they do much better than me. so... yea i didnt really like my primary school life,
till almost the end of my P.6. in the graduation dinner, i won a chance by luck to be the MC on that day.
i was on stage, i was well prepared with my classmate. then we gave a good show.
then my teachers look up on me, and i just get ppl's attention.. but yea... it was the end of my primary
school life... but i still remember what Mr. Hui told us... i was almost crying.. it was very touching..
he said.. no matter how bad or screwd we did in the primary school. we would have a new life
in high school, and that's why we should renew ourselves to get ready for a new life there.
he said we would do it. and i dont know why i really trusted him, and i did very well in my high school.
i always think of him stil. he was one of the best teachers in my primary school, and he inspired me
so much actually. even though i was not so bright when i was in Primary school. he likes me and
gives me many chances and appreciation. i like this teacher so much. after grad, i seldom visit him,
and.. once or twice i met him on street, we talked. he was proud of me. i was touched.
so.. i am actually looking forward to seeing him on Sat night, but i am also fear, coz.. i m very shy.
i'm fear that.. maybe i dont know what i wanna tell him or say to him on Sat.
probably i just wanna thank him, but it is really hard haha.. if i speak in Eng would be much
easlier. hahaha.. it's nothing about if i am shy to thank ppl, but coz i used to be a shy kid at
primary school, so i m sure it would be odd for me to thank him in words.


anyway... yea..

>>October 25, 2007 at 6:02:49 PM GMT+8