2007 年 9 月 12 日 星期三 【晴】

i worked..

i took a long walk 1 hr, keep walking, at my lunch time.
i bought bubble tea and ate snack, kept walking, kept walking.
back to th office i seat into one class room, then started crying.

after that, i came back to the counter, back to be professional working with Ella, parents,
teachers and the children. i had fun with the childrean arts and crafts class. i love the children..
then got a chat time with Ella and Sophia as well.
i like Sophia. she s a very good teacher. she's nice too.

anyway, got back into contact with some old church friends, who have left me.
they called again and sms again to organize a gathering dinner.
then yea.. i'm going.. so long havent met them actually, 2.5 years i guess.
well... it's not that easy to build trust with them actually. i didnt feel comfortable in church at that
time. i have tried... we were okay. but then finally they left me so suddenly.. the most rediculous thing is..
those girls used to be my very very close buddies in my high school, for 5 years.
they left me suddenly, without a reason, all of them just forgot to let me know that they were
leaving the church. forget to tell me. "forget". we were very close friends. they didnt like the church,
have been discussing on leaving for long, but i m the last one to know while they told everyone in the
last gthering party, and otehrs asked me why Castor you have to go.
and so funny that i didnt understand what they meant. and i asked my friends, my girls, if they are
leaving, and they told me oh yes... they forgot to tell me. "good friends."
i know... i shouldnt be upset over these, but... i felt betrayed, especailly ... at that time..
anyway.. i went to a new church with them for one or two times..
then i left, and i didnt go to church anymore.

well, i would be glad to meet them again, i am happy that they called me again.
but it doesnt mean that i am ready to be... you know... go back to church again.


Ella gave me some mooncakes yesterday. she seems nice to me recently.
she does more work in stead of pushing me to work. she takes more responsiblities.
she let me leave earlier if there is nothing to do.
and i'm so sorry for May. there is something happened between May and Ella's brother.
it's really bad. i m so sorry for them.

anyway.. yea..
i want to keep my diary private to myself 100%.
i m thinking.. i might close this diary site or set up another password just for myself.

i wonder... i wanna go travel ard the world.
i wanna go to the States, i wanna go traveling to Korea, Maimi, New York, Manhatan,
Washinton, Pairs, Rome, Eygpt, Dubai, etc.
i wanna be a FA. but... i wonder if i would really become one.
and maybe... i will break down again.. i couldnt understand what the hell is going on with myself now.
and i'm so fear to show ppl what is going on with me..

should i be hopeful ?
there re not much choices i have actually. right?
live well or die.

>>September 14, 2007 at 5:05:33 PM GMT+8

2007 年 9 月 12 日 星期三 【晴】

sometimes i wonder why i have to be so .... well behaved in this world.
am i really stupid?
it's like.. i just realize that.... this world is just... ugly.

just now was Hotel Babylon time.
i missed that coz of my sister, that rude and ruthless Leggy.
i just said to her i fucking hate you.
there re not much ppl talking so rude in my life, i usually just swallow those words.
but... this time i just talk back to her that i just fucking hate her.

then i run to washroom. i cried for an hour. i seat on the ground.
i put my hand on my heart. i told myself its broken.
i found it... in pieces... and there re something lost and
missing. i think.. i am.. just hurted... yes, hurted..
not only by Leggy. but generally... i just realize that i have the ablities to hate ppl.
that kind of hatetre is like... towards myself as well.
i was wishing someone can just kill me. one bullet in my head. easy.

there just... too many hurtful things done... and...
i found that... while i am looking at my broken heart, i cant do anything..
i am seeing my relationship.... changed... but... i cant do anything.
i see myself working hard on work, study, but... noting happened.
i'm so frustrated, but... the person who should support me just refused being in contact with me..
what can i do? what did i do wrong? just what di i do wrong?
you know.. i just feel really helpless and hopeless. you know what? i cant do anything...

i wonder... i really wonder... what i have been doing.... what are the meanings..
they seem nothing at all. so am i a fool or.... just so stupid... ?
i really hate myself being so nice to ppl, that's why i get hurt so easily.
and in the end, there s only myself facing problems and being sad and helpless.
others just run away or dont care.
i wanna escape, wanna run away as well. why everytime once problems come, i am the one
to stay fixing, thinking and putting efforts? why is me?
i'm so fucking tired. i am so fucking tired !
work, study.... church, relationship... even my family.... it's like... not fair..
and now.. i m still in when everyone left. it's like i'm forever being left out.

i told myself again and again that ui have my own value in this world.
i gotta believe that i am fine and good that i am always valuable..
but this world is very cold and mean... and the ppl who i love and care... just.... wouldnt appreciate me.
how sad it is huh ?

i feel so helpless and hopeless.
telling out my feelings make me even more fear.
maybe i should keep my feelings with myself in stead..

after so many years, same fears, same sadness, the difference is.. experienced more...
i'm getting older, the feelings are getting much heavier, more ppl involved, sad still, hurt still.
just.. i thought i have got over already, but they re still alive in my head.


為什麼不直接把我剎了. 我真的好累好累了. 既然已經到了這地步, 一切還有什麼意義呢.
這樣辛苦, 到頭來, 承受錯誤的都是我一個. 我灰心, 我傷心, 我心碎了, 他都不會理解.
以後我只想要平穩的生活. 把愛恨都收進心裡.
我好想狠狠的放手, 不再回頭.
傷害我的不是自己, 不是當初的決定, 而是他一而再, 再而三對我的態度令我無所適從.
未必是他的錯... 只是有時候, 我們都逃不了.

現在... 可否什麼都不用想 ?
而我對他一直以來的愛, 恐怕會被拒絕什致遺忘.
我... 要死, 或愛自己.
我不知道.

it takes away my confidence, it takes aways my happiness and broke my heart in pieces.
but it couldnt take my dignity coz.. i know who i am.
castor.... do you really wanna be sad again and again ? or you wanna be happy?
or do you wanna die...

>>September 13, 2007 at 5:30:16 PM GMT+8

2007 年 9 月 11 日 星期二 【晴】

Three Songs today, really are the best songs i recommended for today..


Today, i woke up and rushed to work.

it was not busy till the appointment with a lady. she came for interview today.
well, for me, she is very high potential to be a good teacher, but then... no... i dont think i can take her,
coz of her strong Idian accent. i dont mean to descriminate her, just the face that her accent of
english speaking would be definitely important to the child learning. coz.. we really need to choose
the best for the children. we need to gain parents trust. (this is what i think, i dont know what Ella thinks.)
so... i reported to Ella the situation.. i dont know..

after all, i had lunch with my parents, we had dim sum today..
before, i ve called Ade, coz i had good news for her. we chatted for a really short while..
then yea, those time period was my most relaxing time, i was pretty lonely.

then back to office, worked for awhile, pretty free though, then.. Alex and Cerene came.
Cerene had make up class today. Alex was super naughty if there is more than one student.
and hahaha... we took some video in class today, and some pictures as well. so funny.
kids re lovely. while they're quiet and sweet, they're angels. while they're naught, they re evils,
but still depends on how nurturing you are, how discipline you are, how well you could communicate
with them. many many things. it is quite challenging. every kids are different.
i know i would miss my students so much... i would definetely miss them..

anyway... yea... got lots to deal with now..
humm there re many things on my mind actually.. but.. i'm kindda lazy and messy..

Dr.Chan mentioned... someone said that before..
we always love the one who hurts us,
and we always leave the one who loves us.
i guess it is very true untill one moment when things need to take turn.
say... your family loves you so much, but we dont really want to listen to their advice.
or your gf/bf has been hurting you or harming the relationship, but you just wouldnt leave.
we gain so many knowledge from school and gain so many experience from our sad past,
how many of us are actually bare in mind and make the sec decision with guilt.
if we love ourselves, why would we do such destructive things to oursleves?
coz that's like the instinct, it is just the way we are.
we feel insecure, but we would still do silly things to keep our inferiority feelings, why?
i dont know why. i just know this is the way we are. some selfish ppl dont even firgure why
they bring insecurity to ppl, just by saying they couldnt care.
there are so many ways showing love, our daily life has so many beautiful things happened.
the flower is beautiful, the sky is blue, the air is fresh, and we have food and care from others.
what we are lack? oursleves.
i have this, i have that, but... i am not happy. coz... i dont know how to be glad with myself.
i always need to depend on something or some ppl to make myself happy.
i should be glad about who i am. and yes i am glad that i am Castor. this is me and so unique.
and for the god sake, i wonder and wonder... why i'm so destructive, so ruthless to myself...
if it is becaue of the love for others, why cant i learn to love myself first ?
i guess this is why i have "Monday with Mary", meeting my consellor every week..
to get help to find out my true values in all those unsolvable conflicts. find out my true fears, and...
what i actually need. and i got one new task now... which is to learn to love myself, to live my life.
and i found my fears.. it's about the dream in future and being lonely..
well, from class at school, i realize it's coz of my childhood, done by my parents.
but i dont blame them, i accept this is me, and they have been doing their best for me.

i tell myself again and again.. all i need is some time to.... firgure out stuffs..

one day, we just learn to leave the one who hurts us, and love the one who loves us.
some ppl say what goes around, comes around. i guess it's true.
coz... ... it's just the way it goes... i would do what you've taught me to. i might not mean it but..
just couldnt control it. it becomes part of my theories, my attitude, and finally my behavior.
honestly, i dont know when the moment would come to twist the fact that we would stop being
destructive to ourselves.
perhaps, someday while we could leave the one who hurts us, and love the one who loves us,
the world is totally changed. maybe better or even worse.

Castor... you know.... Tears and Rain..

"Tears And Rain"
James Blunt


How I wish I could surrender my soul;
Shed the clothes that become my skin;
See the liar that burns within my needing.
How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.
How I wish I had screamed out loud,
Instead I've found no meaning.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;
Hold memory close at hand,
Help me understand the years.
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
How I wish I would save my soul.
I'm so cold from fear.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
Far, far away; find comfort in pain.
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

another song sharing..

50 Cents AYO Technology ft. Justin Timblake & Timberland.



-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


this song was on TV before, and one of my best friends likes this song =)
and i think this song is quite nice, sad though.

林峰-愛在記憶中找你


我對你　這一生　哪個可比
i cant compare our relatiionship with others.
我與你　差一些　永遠一起
You and i are almost able to be together forever.
邂逅時間場地　似連場好戲
the day the time we first met, they were like a big dramatic story.
要自何頁說起
how can i start to tell?

愛太重　深呼吸　欠缺空氣
love is too heavy, i breath deeply, lack of air
愛太美　輕輕的　卻載不起
love is too beautiful, very light, but i cant afford it.
愛情來到時候　似明媚天氣
when love comes, the sky is like sunny in fall.
它走了　突然驟變雪落雨飛
the love gone, suddenly it chaged to be storm and snow.

＊如果可以恨你　全力痛恨你
連遇上亦要躲避
if i could hate you much and much, and if i see you on street,
i would do try to escape from you.
無非想（要）放下你　還是掛念你
i just want to forget you, but i still miss you.
誰又會及我傷悲
who would be more upset than me?
前事最怕有人提起
i am so afraid someone would mention about you.
就算怎么伸盡手臂
no matter how hard i try to reach you,
我們亦有一些距離
we re still apart.

你太遠　該怎么　說對不起
you're too far, how should i apologize?
你太近　一轉身　卻已高飛
yo're too near ard, but when i turn around, you have already gone far away.
快樂也許太短　似場流星雨
maybe happiness is too short, they are like the shooting stars, keep running.
一眨眼　就如幻愛怕又記起
open eyes, like wake from dreams, then i realize i am afriad to think of you and our love.

Repeat ＊（＊）

我情愿我狠心憎你
i would rather hate you really much
我還在記憶中找你
but now i'm still seaching you in my memorries...

>>September 15, 2007 at 6:47:08 PM GMT+8

2007 年 9 月 10 日 星期一 【晴】

9.11
let's pray.




today is very heavy for me.

i woke up ard 12... then rushed some work stuff, not for Elchards, for my another job.
it was fine. i hope to... see the results soon... i m kindda afraid, but yea.. i m not too worried.

then has been rushing to go.... then i went to the Gov Dept, SFAA.
sigh... i need to re-apply for my deferment again. i m afraid actually.
coz.. i still havent got my student id card. what can i do with that except waiting and pushing the school?
anyway, i am trying my every ways to make my application sucess, coz i cant fail.
is that called agressive ? hummm sorts of, but i guess pretty much normal to fight for what we need
with the right attitude and within the reasonable area of what we can do.

anyway... after that i was so tired, went to TST Pacific Coffee, then had coffee there..
resting and doing my record on the conselling. hummm i didnt write much.
i feel heavy still and.. i dont know.. i m a bit... emotional. i guess proabably coz yesterday my consellor
has asked my ques that pushing me to think more, and.. i dont know if i m ready yet.
or say i feel very difficult now, especially facing other tough problems at the same time..
then in class.... i keep learning new things, and sometimes just tickle my thoughts and self reflection..
i find things even harder. i guess i really need time to relax.. coz.. my life is really stressful, and
quite lots of unknown about myself. and yea... i dont know..

i saw Queenie and Shan today in that cafe.. then... after that... Shan and i went to a bookstore,
i bougt something for myself, Alesja and Ade. hee. =)
yea.. i hsould have posted the package to Alesja actually but have been busy... hummm..
i have bought somethign for her family, i wish that could bring her a smile, i wish to send her some
support... i know her situation is pretty bad... i just wish that i could be there for her, but i couldnt..
and for Ade, i just found something very ncie for her grad in Nov !! =P hee.
i m actually sorry didnt send Cyn and Cap grad present.. but yea... i ve bought Cap a gift while she
left HK earlier on. then Cyn hahaha... while she comes to HK later, i would find out what we can do! =P
oh yea.. i just notice that i'm still the youngest !!!!!! =P hahaha...
and then yea... Shan is gonna have her Grad Ceremony in Nov as well. hummm =) i will prepare sth
for her ! maybe some plants or fishes haha.

then... hummmm i dont know what i should do..
waiting to see the result... i'm going to organize a small party on Moon Festival..
then probably the courses would start in Oct.
then, aunt Priscilla just called me that Lilian is getting married on Oct 1 in China..
ther would be a free trip to there... and yes, i am in, i mean on the list now.
i'm not very close with Lilian.. i just remember i had one dinner with her on aunt's birthday in Van.
she was living in Burnaby i guess ? yea should be. anyway, Congrad !!! =)
so i would have a 3 days trip to Fo Shan, China Mainland, in the end of this month... yeah... can rest...

hummm.. i miss Stephen..

in class tonight... so funny... they brought moon cakes to class, then we started sharing that.
hahaha i got two slices. hahah.. guess Wency is a nice girl, and coz of her, all classmates re getting closer.
then yea... lots to go through tonight. and.. i got some notes for myself.
i m trying to get some more insights... so yea... i pay extra attention in class, and write down every
inspiration things on my mind. then at night at home i just review them and write extra notes.
here i go..

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


If you re asking if I need you, the answer is forever.
If you re asking if I'll leave you, the answer is never.
If you re asking what I value, the answer is you.
If you re asking if I love you, the answer is I do.

how many people are saying what they truely mean?
and how many people are acting the way they say.

love is like the art, but are the people saying the same language in this art?

"Giving is the highest expression of potency. in the very of giving, i experience my strength,
my wealth, my power. this experience of hightened vitality and potency fills me with joy.
i experience myself as overflowing, spending, alive, hence as joyous. Giving is mroe joyous than
recieving, not coz it is a deprivation, but coz in the act of giving lies the expression of my aliveness."

"Love is an activity, not a passive affect; it is a 'standing in', not a 'falling for.' In the most general way,
the active charater of love can be described by stating that love is primary giving, not recieving."
Erich Fromm.


Then i would like to ask....
how love exists in two people if they are not giving in.
if we say we need to speak the same language in love, then what if two people dont talk and freeze
themselves in the fridge. love is not like the art or this is just not love. what about if i say giving in to
something not responsive. is that a kind of art too? i guess there re always some special ways for
communication grow in two ppl, but, are you comfortable in it? do you really find the joy in it, as in you
are the giver or reciever or both or neither ? why dont we just try to do something constructive to the
relationship, unless you are persued to stop being in love, or to stop loving someone. do you want to
stop loving? or worse, you gotta accept that you dont love that person anymore.


Destructive Behaviors
A psychi mechanism is for regainging security, displayed in a desire to eliminate threatening objs, ppl,
and institutions. just many of us, human would rationalize our destructiveness in behaviors, including
love. we dont mean to do stupid thigns to hurt ppl, unless you are really evil like sadistic. but while we
have done some incredible hurtful things, harm has been done, the things we should do is to cool
things off, and think what we should do next. as if we could do alot of things so as to show what we
really mean to do or not to do. if you choose to apologise sincerely, ppl can feel it. if you choose to let
it be the way it is, or just defense to show the power, this is the destructiveness to a relationship and
it is very dominant.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Insights:
sometimes we gotta accept something we dont want to believe.
it is hurtful and sad.


Everything in its time
Corrinne May.

Sometimes I wonder what lies ahead
How long till my hunger is fed
They say it's hard to make it in this part of town
So many people on this merry-go-round

Some folks try astrology
Some turn to crystal balls
To find an answer,
To get through it all
I just fall on my knees and I try to pray
In the silence I can hear Him say

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time

I often feel like I'm two steps behind
Somebody must have moved that finish line
There are a thousand reasons
Why I should give up
But I'm stubborn in the things I believe

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign

'cause maybe there's another plan
One I still can't see
A little surprise, like your love in my life
Funny how time changes how we see

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time
Everything in its time

>>September 11, 2007 at 7:38:36 PM GMT+8

2007 年 9 月 9 日 星期日 【晴】

hi.

today i woke up ard 9 sth, then went out with Shan..
we had MCDonald's breakfast..
then we took bus to Central. i have appointment with my consellor today.
it was quite relax on the bus... resting..

then yea.. met my consellor today. we got through lots today. hummm i felt a bit emotional today,
but i was still okay. but yea... the questions were sharp.. and i felt a bit.. heavy after that.
i guess she wants me to face the conflicts, help me to find out some real feelings and values on my mind.
we did talk alot... and... her questions make me think. she was not leading me to any places
which means she didnt force me to make any decisions or she didnt suggest me anything.
but... one question, with my answer, she repeated my answer, and we talk on it more, and she
asked another que based on what i ans, then.. yea.. things just coming out from my mind.
she told me, i actually have insight, i can logically tell her things and can tell my inner thinks,
but i know i need her help on it. we talk on loneliness, dreams, and future today. anyway...
i have a personal note book with me, after conselling, i record down my feelings and thinking...
we talk about loneliness, we talk about lots of things.. anyway.. yea..
i m not gonna write too much here, it's just too private.


after that, i went to English Town in Causeway Bay, took the English test there.
i think it sucks.
it's really bad. and i couldnt even believe the result on this test.
the salseman was shocked i guess. well, i admit that my Eng is not that good, but defintely
better than High school level in HK. then i told him i have done other Eng test, and what i need to
improve on is my Reading part and Writing part. but then he told me my reading is pretty good,
the best part of my test. i dont think so anyway. coz it doesnt make sense. my listening should be the
best. my grammar is not that good, and it's impossible for me to do great on that Reading part anyway.
he tried to challenge me by doubting if he started talking in English in stead of Chinese with me.
i told him in English that i am 100% okay with that, there is no problems. he was shocked again.
whatever, English Town 's test has 3 parts, 10 ques each, all MC, but some of them were kindda
blur with meanings, like some should have more than 1 suitable answer and still wont be wrong.
there is no the "best" ans sometimes since grammar rules are not quite appliable on those ques.
personally, i have doubted that if they are trying to get you into the lower level course, so that
they would earn more. coz... 30 MC ques cannot really evaluate on one person's language abilities in
general. there should be more than that 30 ques could tell. but you knwo what he said? he said...
i could arrange you to re do it again in another place and time if you want, but the result wont be
very different. well i told him yes of course there wont be too different. i think the test design is not professional enough. it doesnt break down to detials that could test the real level. or i just shouldnt
pass my Tofel or my other Eng exams.

anyway..
humm tomorrow i need to go to the SFAA, Gov dept. i am so worried and i hate going there.
then,... hummmm..... i dont know.. i need to go to class at night.
and actually i should work on my business stuffs. omg. i might be delaying their plan.
i need to ... rush things up.

and.. for the sake of my happiness, i want a more peaceful life.
i think i m not escaping from my problems, but actually brave the facts out from my heart and brain.
i cant go back to the time it was, regressing them are nice sometimes, it is just...
something i have to be brave to face..

i miss my friends.. i actually need time for myself, and i need my friends..


James Blunt: Tears and Rain

How I wish I could surrender my soul;
Shed the clothes that become my skin;
See the liar that burns within my needing.
How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.
How I wish I had screamed out loud,
Instead I've found no meaning.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;
Hold memory close at hand,
Help me understand the years.
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
How I wish I would save my soul.
I'm so cold from fear.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
Far, far away; find comfort in pain.
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

>>September 10, 2007 at 5:02:21 PM GMT+8

2007 年 9 月 8 日 星期六 【晴】

hi.

well i slept at thie morning 5 45 am.
i finished my revision since 3 sth am... then couldnt sleep and i called Stephen, and Ade.
i was on phone with Ade for 1 hr 30 mins? it was quite long. we talk alot.
she's okay... i was happy to chat with her.
i wanna call Cyn soon too.. i miss them.

then yea i have called Stephen.

and i was planing to sleep for 1 hr or so, but then in the end i didnt wake up till 9 sth.
and i was REALLY LATE. 1 hour late to class. OMG. i was os worried..
coz i wondered... if they have started the exam already.. and i always get troubles for my midterm.
omg.. i was so afraid.
then... yea.. okay... i called to school and asked, they said it would be in the afternoon.

back to class, having group activities, discussions, pretty nice..
then had been studying as well, have cahtting iwth classmates. we are getting more close now..
as in.. feeling mroe comfortable to talk in class now. i m okay.

then yea.. done that long exam in 2 hrs. my hand was pain. keep writing in 2 hrs, i wrote.. 6 full pages.
for 3 essay ques. hummmm but i know i missed some points anyway...
i just have the bad memorries, and... yea.. i think i have tried to prepare for the best already..
so... yea.. i have tried pretty hard.. i m okay with myself.

then.. after exam, i stayed for anotehr 45 mins, then i decided to leave and meet up Shan in TST.
i was just so exhausted.. so yea i left.
we went to HMV in TST... then walked ard and shopped at City Super. i got my biskits, then back home.
well i went to her appartment, stayed for awhile, resting for awhile then back home.

tomorrow i will have two appointments. one with my counsellor, one in Causeway Bay for the Eng test,
then... i would need to rush working on my assignment paper, and at the same time, i really need to
rush my business work... coz the other center is hurrying me now... hummm...

i miss my friends so much..
i miss Stephen as well, but yea.. i'm doing okay..
and.. i dont know for sure about the future, but i'm willing to give in and work hard on this now moment.
so that i wont regret for anything.

i'm so tired.. sometimes.. i'm lonely as well..
but.. i just know that no matter how tired or lonely i feel, i want peace too...
and then, i could be busy crazy working on my study and work, but i need my own personal time to
relax and rest.. otherwise i cant go on..
and at the same ime, my family, my friends and my relationship just mean so much to me...

>>September 9, 2007 at 2:53:40 PM GMT+8

2007 年 9 月 7 日 星期五 【晴】

Today.... i got class.

so tired. got lots to do today, then after back home, have been doing revision.
doing summary after reading notes and my text book. so tired..

i listened to the songs on my way home.. i listened to the songs which... i havent listened for 6 months.
well honestly, those are the songs i listened in March n April. after back, i didnt open those files anymore.
i was just fear, afraid that would bring me upsetting feelings. songs are okay, if i dont listen to them,
i could have other choices, but sometimes, while we need to face some ppl or something that is
so true and real with us, can we actually run away? yes, put them into unconscious mind.
but it is not good for us.. coz...

our Defense Mechanisms are the unconscious denials of the reality. in a way saying, we are actually
lying to ourselves while we dont even know about it. we re not aware of using the mechanism.
if we knew it, we wont be so easily sucessful on this. if this mechanism works well, we keep taking
out our memorries or feelings out of our conscious mind, we might not even know the truth about
ourselves. we lost the conscious awareness of our true thinking and feelings. we might forget or
ignore our needs, fears and values, which would finally lead to the maladaptive life style, always not
ready to cope with our daily life problems.

anyway... yea... my fears, values and needs..
i'm so messed up. now i understand why. coz of my self defense mechanism.
you know... there could be better ways to deal with problems while we are willing to face them.
in the positive ways, we could be much happier with higher fullfilment in life.
and i'm ready to get this change, so my counselling sessions actually help me through these,
and find out what my unknown is. my counsellor doesnt tell me what to do or what i dont know.
she doesnt tell me, she just let me speak, and... like... giving me a hand to walk my way,
to let me seak out what actually on my mind, and like... letting myself hearing actually what i wanna
say and actually think. i m still confused, i m not so clear about things.. i want my unknowns..
and i hope that the more open up, the more i would find, the truth inside me i mean.
on Mon, we are going to... explore... on some reasons on something, and those are about myself, and
some values on something. this "something" is a problem of mine.

hummm yea... i heard the songs and i teared up..
i just thought of Stephen. i knwo it's painful while i miss him. but it is normal to feel sad while missing
someone i love. somehow i dont wanna deny on it, i would like to express it in the more positive way.
i dont know how, but just dont wanna be so upset. and i wish him reciving my "missing" mesg in a
happier way rather than crying or upseting mood.
it's been a while i havent got his news. anything new? maybe yes maybe no.
i used to focus lots on his daily life, it was when i felt we were so connected.
even though we were apart, i still found him so close with me, just only not physical.
i guess the distance is the really big block between use, especially after meeting him in real.
i dont know what he thinks on this. maybe he is just too busy that he doesnt even want to talk to me.
but i guess he must have tlak with some other friends. so is that really the real reason of not showing
up on msn ? i dont want to assume anything. if it is true, then he will come on line someday.
if it is not true, then i cant do much though, unless he is ready to face the relationship or me again.
he asked me to relax actually. and... i wonder am i really insecure or.. it's just.... reflecting of
some kinds of needs of mine?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i think i need the key to open up my box. my answer is in the box. there are some fears. and.. what i need? what is this? what is that? questions never end.

In my dreams, i see lots of weird things. i dont know what they means, or i dont understand what they are. from the book, i knew dreams reflect our fears, values and needs, which are usually suspressed in our unconscious mind. They could exist as our behaviors, such as by denying on things, by emotions, acting out our anger, crying, or shown in picture that like the test TAT, projection test. i wonder ...sometimes i dont understand something, and i kindda put blame on myself. that makes me.. wanna run away, but i dont. i hope to make changes so to improve myself with the situation. but, i have lots of struggles, coz sometimes i dont even know what things are or where i stand. facing all the different attitudes and values, all i found are conflicts, i feel like trapped. you know... i'm only human. anyway... this is the aliving life.

here below are some... reading notes for myself. i dont mind to share, they are not my perosnal opinion, just some summary for myself. i do this because i have my exam tomorrow... i guess after i finished this note, i would finish my revision for my exam tomorrow.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Sigmund Freud-- Psychoanalytic Approach
Life Instinct, Death Instinct.
Life: The drive towards Pleasure, id, Sex, food, etc.
Death: The aggressions, unconscious drive towards destruction.

Three Levels of Personality: Conscious, Pre-conscious, and Unconscious.
The Structure is like the tringle, Id, Ego and Super Ego.
Id is the intinct, the psychi energy, or say the pleasure principle, avoiding pain, the primary process thought(unconscious). Those are borned abilities. Then, since we grow up, we learn in our enviornment(Social learning Theory), then we know what we can do or what we shouldnt do, that called Ego. We understand reality and taught to behave in the rational way. that provide us the knowledge of appropriateness, and know how to express our Id instinct with rules and judgement. This is the Secondary process of thought we need to deal with the others in the external world. The Super Ego is the moral aspect of personality. it requires the understanding of our societal values and the standards. "Conscience"-- The concept of the bad bahaviors with punishment. "Ego ideal"-- our concept, the right things we should do.

Anxiety might occur with our conflicts between the components.

Defense Mechanism againt Anxiety.
This is the concept of the strategies, that Ego is being against with conflicts or anxiety in daily life, and then take strategies to defend for itself. funny huh? yes. It might involve denials or distortion of the reality.

Repression, Denail,
Reaction formation-"The denial of some disturbing impulse, and act into the opposite impulse in the unconscious mind."
Projection--"attributing the disturbing impulse to someone else. Like they re possesed by others, i dont hate him, he hates me."
Regression-- "always retreating to the ealier stage of life, which is less frustration or anxiety. it usually involves with our psychosexual stage in 5 y.o. we wanna feel more secure."
Rationalization-- "we seek for explaination to make ourself more reasonable as in dealing with some undesire arguments. the loved one who turned you down now become wrong to you again. faults belong to others, not me."
Displacement-- "switching the hostility from the original person or one thing to another person. that's the shift of Id impulse."
Sublimation-- " from the Id impulse to some social acceptable behaviors."

Freud suggested that our Defense Mechanisms are the unconscious denials of the reality. in a way saying, we are actually lying to ourselves while we dont even know about it. we re not aware of using the mechanism. if we knew it, we wont be so easily sucessful on this. if this mechanism works well, we keep taking out our memorries or feelings out of our conscious mind, we might not even know the truth about ourselves. we lost the conscious awareness of our true thinking and feelings. we might forget or ignore our needs, fears and values.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Sad Tasks Process.
Denial, Angry, Argue, Sad, Accept.
we sometimes cant get through the sadness, coz we are stuck into the Denail part. it becomes inflexible, and we are maladaptive by these.
what sad means... the sad tasks. we need to experience what sad means to us. like.. what we do and how we express our sadness. that make sense about what sad is to us.
crying is the expression, or else becomes avoidance or aggressions.
we are influenced by unconscious. sometimes, while we experienced something very undesirable, we would like to ignore it, or suppress it. that means.. make conscious unconscious.
eg.. we try to not think about the sadness, or we do things to forget about the sadness. sometimes.. it is useful, it's good to put it down, coz we can move on, right? yes. but sometimes it could be harmful, coz... escape or make it unconscious is not the best way. and we thought that it's gone, but actually we are affected unconsciously. and those could cause us lots of more serious traumas in life. so next time we face similar situations, we struggle more.
once we are aware of what we are lack of or what negative feelings are with us, then we have faced them, start going through the Sad Tasks. what doesnt kill us makes us stronger. we have better abilities and be more flexible to cope with the next situation or at least to break down the unfinished business. we could overcome. what we want to do is... to minimize the harm, and increase the positive-ness of the experience bring us in life.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There are Five PsychoSexual Stages in our lifespan development..
hummmmm Oral Stage, Anal Stage, Phallic Stage, Latency Stage, Genital Stage..
omg.... so many informtion =(

Oral Stage 1y.o.: Id Dominant. Pleasure got from sucking.
Overindulgence: unusual optimism, dependency, too trusting.
Oral Passive Personality Types: Fixation: Aggressive, hostility.

Anal Stage 1-3 y.o.: Toilet Training.Defecation produces erotic pleasure for child. Learning what "delay pleasure" or postpone means.
Excessively demanding: Aggressive Personality/ Retentive Personality.

Phallic Stage: 4-5 y.o.: Incestuous Fantasies, Oedipus Complex, Castration Anxiety, Electra Complex, Penis Envy, Anxiety, Super Ego devlp.
Phallic Personality Problems: difficulties with forming mutual heterosexual re/ship.

Latency Period: 5- Puberty.
Period of Sublimation of sex instinct. devlp. friendship with same sex ppl.

Genital Stage: Adolescence- Adulthood.
devlp. of sex role identity n adult social re/ship.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Actually there are three bad types of psychological personalities, which are
the Dominant style, Avoidance Style and the Dependence.

Alfred Adler-- Individual Psychology.
first of all, according to Adler's Neopsychoanalytic Approach, we all have the inferiority feelings, not referring to a sign of weakness or abnormality, but just generally everyone's normal condition of striving our needs, and values.

and there is the tendency driving us to cope with the inferiority, which is the motivation leading us, to compensate, to overcome with the higher development. that's called Compensation. through this process, successfully, we would be led to superiority/ perfection, which is the definition of the fundamental fact of life. it's not the comparison with others but individually oneself. the ultimate goals would be achieved. somehow, this Fictional Finalism is very ideal, (Striving for Superiority), but on the process, it increase the tension, and requires the great expenditures of energy and efforts. it is not only by individual, but also influenced by the surrounding and society.

If we are fail to compensate, then that would lead to Inferiority Complex or Superiority Complex, reflected by our dominant or getting or avoidance style of life. Behaviors show in the maladaptive ways, in a long time might become abnormality and mental disorder.
Inferiority Complex is the disability of a person to compensate for normal inferiority feelings. The person might have the poor self image, low self concept, and feel helpless, depressed, unable to cope with the life demands.
The Superiority Complex is the condition that the person over-compensate for the inferiority feelings. The person have the tendency to degrade others, over estimate one self’s ability. Both unhealthy mental conditions might cause mental mood disorders, such as Major Depression and Bipolar Disorder.
If we successfully compensate for the inferiority feelings, we would show it with the social useful style and we show the social interests, we concern on others, and have the sense of love.

In the Style of Love, we believe that we have five roots in our child development. Those childhood influences would be the health and appearance, social and economic position of family, parental attitudes, family constellation and the gender role. our health and apperance has the role in our self formation, how we percieve what others look about us. That could be the incentive, or as the burden. The social and economic position of family influences is like the labeling. and it affects our self-esteem and directly influencing our access of the knowledge, such as what kinds of school we are in, and the way we make friends. Those could affect our feeling of inferiority or superiority. Parenting style influences us the most in our first 5 years. Family constellation, the birth order is modeling us within the certain stereotypes by our parents and cultures. Each order position has unique advantages and disadvantages. i strongly believe in that. even though no one theory or any one psychological approach/ model could describe a case or person so completely in details, As in no individual approaches could do that, this "Birth Order" model is the first psychoanalytic approach which could quite briefly introduce how one childhood influences the personality development of oneself, in the young-age stage. Gender role could be positive or negative depends on its values place in the family and society.

The Human Nature shows in our Five Attitudes, toward the self, toward difficulties, toward others, toward other sex, and toward life. Self attitude means… the self development, destructiveness and indulgence. Attitude toward Difficulties could range from the self-pampering, for the avoidance of the un-pleasures, to how we strive, struggle and embrace difficulties and angers. Do we express our love toward other sex in the respectful way or abusive way? Was that showed our acceptance and affection? Attitude toward life, are we optimistic or pessimistic?

In our Three Tasks of Life, we learn to deal with other ppl, occupation and our love and sex life in our adolescent and adult stages. Adolescent stage is like our preparation, and adult life is the challenge. Are we warm or hostile? Are we welcomed or avoided? How ppl see our approaches? Work could be the fulfillment or burden. Can we achieve the intimate mutual relationship with ppl? Is our relationship enriching? or we are giving selfish expoitation. Is that infatuation, lust or committed responsible love?

>>September 8, 2007 at 7:49:13 PM GMT+8

2007 年 9 月 6 日 星期四 【晴】

i really want to complain, i am so angry at the SFAA.
i am so freaking angry !!!!
i got the letter from the Gov just now that i need to pay off my studnet loans now.
i was like WHAT THE FUCK ?
i'm still on my programme now. and i have applied many times that i need to delay my payment,
coz i am still full time studying at that college !
then. they requested my student id card, which is on process now! i have asked school to provide
them the letter to prove that, and now they rejected my application ! i m so damn angry !!!
IT s NOT MY FAULT. and now i have to start paying or else my dad has to pay !
well it's the same unless i get bankrupt ! and i dont want my dad paying me !
i am so angry now.
i'm sooooooo angry. how could the GOV do things like this? it' s so shitty tricky !
they know the students cant pay while they are still studying full time on another loans.
WHAt the hell is their brain for? dont even know how to funtion it huh?
i dont knwo where i can go complain to. it's just so unrealistic for them to ask me to pay now,
just coz i cant give them my student id card. I ALREADY GIVEN THE PROVEN LETTER that
i'm on process for that fucking student id card. are they just blind? they dont even read or
understand what that letter means?
oh well, they kept saying that their wage is not high enough and keep asking for the raise.
SCREW YOU. i will not agree with this. you're not helping the students, you're screwing us !
I THINK I'M CORRECT. I D NEVER VOTED FOR ANYONE IN THE ELECTION, COZ I D NEVER FOUND
THEM DOING GREAT OR SAY I DONT EVEN TRUSTED THEM. SEE? NOW IT SHOWS EVERYTHING.
EXCUSES ME, WHO CAN REPRESENT ME IN THE LEGISLATIVE COUNSIL? NO ONE.
they cant even protect the students, dont ever think about my vote. YOU WONT GET IT !

sigh..
forget it..
excuses my language to myself..
i'm just sooooooooo pissed off. it's so important. and the coming days i would be so busy,
how the hell i m going to deal with this, screw them. they are absolutely NOT HELPFUL at all.
i really hate it, it's so unfair, so stupid.

talking about stupid, ELLA is REALLY STUPID.
oh yea.. she talks to me today.. saying.. she dreamt of me, she saw me saying her like...
"Ella, you think you're so perfect? you are blah blah blah, nothing at all."
she told me this. and i was like oh really? but i d never said anything liek this to ppl.
well, i d never said that in real, but more or less i do think she's stupid sometimes, and i dont like
working with her sometimes. coz she s the kind of boss who will bring troubles to her
assistence and not quite responsible to take care of her staff. she's not a good boss.
she's so unpredictable on her business plan. always getting me more process to go through,
just coz of her stupid acts or ideas changing all the time. she has the weakest decision making
i ever seen in life. she is just lucky on her business. otehrwsie,... she could just ruien the whole
business easily. she always want to spend less money to gain more, lower the cost ..
it makes sense, but the thing is.. sometimes,... you couldnt cut some budges on certain thigns.
forget it, i dont wanna remind myself on these anymore. i just know i need to go soon.

you know, today Sophia has classes this morning. she asked me how long i ve been working in
Elchards. i told her 1 year. she asked me how long i worked / day. i said 9.5 hrs.
she replied it's very long. and she said she has been looking for a personal assistence but didnt
get any. she really appreciates me actully. and yes i know, coz everytime she saw me she would
talk with me alot and praise me how well preparation i do for her classes.
oh well, i think... yes of course, coz you're good teacher, and you're very organized,
working with you d never given me headache, not like Ella. everything is just so fine and smooth.
i quite like this teacher actually, she is really high educated, she s really high educated, she was
the principle at a kindegarden. and she was born and raised in UK, then has beeb working in diff
feild, including the Hotel and REsturant. she was the manager. she is qualifed teaching problem children.
she is better than Ella actually. but forget it. she said.. if she took me away from Ella, Ella would be very
angry. well i said.. i dont think so.

and yea... i am so angry today.

i saw Joey. she was waiting for Brett. then we got chatting today. i told her i wanna work in the
airline. she said oh yea, she has been picturing me workign in the airline, smiling wearing the uniform.
i was shocked and asked how come. then she said she just always see me smiling and working
so politely and stuffs. and yea.. i told her yes. i really want to work at there. and we also talk about..
the future plan and study life.

and anyway.. i m... ... i dont know what to do now.. i dont even know who i can go complain and
i dont know what i should do next.
i m thinking... if Stephen knows about it, he might would give me some suggesions.
but.. i wonder if i should call him or e-mail him since it's not about his work or not big to him..
he alwasy say... he couldnt control my feelings, he couldnt help me.. so i just wonder..
if i should still tell him, coz i dont wanna bring him bad news of stuffs. but i'm really angry..
im angry at my student loans i dont know what i can do next, i'm so angry at Ella, i am so angry
at my study i will have make up class tomorrow, and Sun as well then exam after class on Sun.
i cant break down now. he used to be my support.. but now.. since i dont see him on line anymore,
everything i have to count on myself.. sometimes... it's so difficult.

by the way... i found my net fiend blocked, but... i wondered if i did it or.. someone did it.
i forgot his name.. i just know his screen name was Aviator.
then.. last night and this morning i have been questioning him about what we talk about yesterday.
i wondered if he was not blocked by me, then he might have talk with other ppl on my account.
then i found nothing. but... i have already blocked him by myself. coz... i have told him what had been
happening ard me here, and i dont .. you know.. i dont feel comfortable making new friends sometimes.
and he undersatnds and doesnt wanna confuse me so he said we dont talk anymore.
well, i told him as net friend it was okay. but, he said something like... worrying he would confuse me.
i told him he and i are not that "kind of things" so i dont worry that he would confuse me.
then he said like he doesnt want to talk with me, coz i love Stephen. well doesnt matter..
it might be better anyway. so after all, i block him.

i have a bad rough day, and the coming 2 weeks would be quite difficult for me.
i'm kindda worried.
and i need Stephen's support. i wanna talk with him. where s he... should i call?



Sharing..
BLACK EYED PEAS
"Where Is The Love?"

What's wrong with the world, mama
People livin' like they ain't got no mamas
I think the whole world addicted to the drama
Only attracted to things that'll bring you trauma
Overseas, yeah, we try to stop terrorism
But we still got terrorists here livin'
In the USA, the big CIA
The Bloods and The Crips and the KKK
But if you only have love for your own race
Then you only leave space to discriminate
And to discriminate only generates hate
And when you hate then you're bound to get irate, yeah
Madness is what you demonstrate
And that's exactly how anger works and operates
Man, you gotta have love just to set it straight
Take control of your mind and meditate
Let your soul gravitate to the love, y'all, y'all

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love
The love, the love

It just ain't the same, always unchanged
New days are strange, is the world insane
If love and peace is so strong
Why are there pieces of love that don't belong
Nations droppin' bombs
Chemical gasses fillin' lungs of little ones
With ongoin' sufferin' as the youth die young
So ask yourself is the lovin' really gone
So I could ask myself really what is goin' wrong
In this world that we livin' in people keep on givin'
in
Makin' wrong decisions, only visions of them dividends
Not respectin' each other, deny thy brother
A war is goin' on but the reason's undercover
The truth is kept secret, it's swept under the rug
If you never know truth then you never know love
Where's the love, y'all, come on (I don't know)
Where's the truth, y'all, come on (I don't know)
Where's the love, y'all

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love, the love, the love?

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder
As I'm gettin' older, y'all, people gets colder
Most of us only care about money makin'
Selfishness got us followin' our wrong direction
Wrong information always shown by the media
Negative images is the main criteria
Infecting the young minds faster than bacteria
Kids wanna act like what they see in the cinema
Yo', whatever happened to the values of humanity
Whatever happened to the fairness in equality
Instead of spreading love we're spreading animosity
Lack of understanding, leading lives away from unity
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' under
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' down
There's no wonder why sometimes I'm feelin' under
Gotta keep my faith alive till love is found
Now ask yourself

Where is the love?
Where is the love?
Where is the love?
Where is the love?

Father, Father, Father help us
Send some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love?

Sing wit me y'all:
One world, one world (We only got)
One world, one world (That's all we got)
One world, one world
And something's wrong wit it (Yeah)
Something's wrong wit it (Yeah)
Something's wrong wit the wo-wo-world, yeah
We only got
(One world, one world)
That's all we got
(One world, one world)

>>September 7, 2007 at 3:11:50 PM GMT+8

2007 年 9 月 5 日 星期三 【晴】

hi.

today i just woke up at 10. and i rushed to work. i was late.
seems like i'm getting lazy in bed.. ha... dont really wanan get up..
my alarm on my phone has been waking me up in every 15 mins since 8 sth..
coz i knew i would keep sleeping, so i woke myself in every 15 mins. it didnt work.

anyway... i was quite free this morning.. browsing on net... well, i got a net friend on line chatting with
me. not Ata, i blocked him again. anyway.. nothing special. i think the longer time i spent on line with
the guys, the more i could find through thier behavior. observation is still my best way to study humanality.
i studyed at office today. studying on the Instinct. i just found that this word actually means so much
to our human life. and then.... yea.. there are lots of instinct. and most differnt main two are the
life instinct and death instinct. and our aggression is the sub brench followed by the death one.
am i correct? then to life, we are actually sexual desired. all by S.Freud. humm i learnt alot from there.

lunch time, i took an early lunch, since Ella left earlier and i have photo coppies to do..
i had my lunch time by my own today. i bought some "hot dog" from the Yamazaki, then,
walked to buy the phone card, and bought the bubble tea in Eighten Garden. quite long walk.
but nevermind... i just want a walk anyway. then, back to the office.. i forgot to bring money for the
photo coppy.. then while i got back to the office.. some woman came in.
i just spent another 30 mins to serve them. and she enrolled her child into our courses.
then.. i rushed to pick up suffs and buy the grocorries for Ella's cookery class.

hummm before leaving office, i chatted with Ade for a few sessions, seperately.
today got quite a few phone enquires and walk in as well..
so yea.. talking with Ade on phone... it was nice to hear from her.. it was warm..
she was having dinner with Cyn and Louisa. i miss them =')

tonight i watched TV, Hotel Babylon.
it was great. it says everyone has to put on hte Mask on their face while their shift starts.
i agree with that.
and the uniform could protect them from their another life behind. i think it's true too.
put on brave on face, when you put on your uniform, wear your charater in your job,
wear your smile and manner, turn on your brain, remember your professional code, get ready for
every guests.
it was so true while i was 17 working at McDonald's for Customer Service, not at the front desk/
cashier, but.. on the loby with the customers and children.
i was only 17, but it didnt make my work easlier for me compare to other teamates.
i enjoyed my work alot, eventhough it was actually quite tough. i enjoyed alot. it was tough,
but challenging and fun. i thought customer service would be my destination.
coz. i wished to study in Hotel Management and worked in the hotel or Airline.
andi still wish for the chances now.

and now, i m the receptionist on my part time work, and.. yea part time tutoring..
i still consider myself providing my best customer services. coz.. it's just me.
and i always want to do the best for my every clients, the parents and their child.
sometimes serve well the teachers, coz they teach those children.
i always have good relationship with ppl. parents, children and teachers like me.

sometimes... while i log off, i would think... what i am doing.. just.. a job ?
the more i work on my new plans, the more i found i like Elchards somehow while i hate it.
coz... i couldnt put down the care at there i guess? like.. i have been taking care of these ppl and
things. i dont think i'm a big person there, they might not need me much as well... but ...
i have good time there, well at least the old office anyway. i had so much good memorries with
Stephen there, and with Ella and Richard as well.
anywya.. i m not gonna stop myself leaving. coz.. i have found more i should do in the future.
i cant just stop. i have to move on with the better things i could do. i have my dreams to achieve.

i rmemeber... i used ot say... i wanna work in the airline, then after married i would like to work in the
kindergarthem. and yea.. i would like to if i could. and now i consider myself partly into Education work.
coz... i'm gonna start my own teaching job.
with the better education on what children need in their development, i hope i could provide better
education for them in stead of just making money. at least for English courses...
and more or less i couldnt deny that i wanna make profit for myself. that's another motivation.

i'm gonna organize a small party on Moon Festival, as promotion or adv. just need to let students know
that we are gonna open english courses and welcome them coming for free assement.
and then.. yea actually i have lots to work on..
and i will have my mid term on this coming Sun. woooohooooo.... so tired..
then.. yea.. pretty much to do.. and i gotta be careful on the business..

anyway.. i ve been thinking...
hummm i always get myself working hard on things, like i wouldnt miss any chances i could have.
i am quite ambitious on my age and gender. ( well sure there re some others more hard working than me)
but comparing to all average, i think i'm quite ambitious. is it good for me?
i rmemeber in a movie,... Spiderman..
his uncle told Petter that.. the more talents you have, the more responsiblities you bare.
i think it is true. i dont mena i'm pretty good or whatever, i just think.. if i can do it, i would do it at my best,
i wouldnt lose a thing compare to guys or older girls.
i think i'm a weak person, but while i talk about study or work, i wouldnt consider myself as weak.
i'm strong and tough. it might be good, might not be good. coz i think i might face some problems while
i am married having some kids ard me. would i be a super nice mom or super business woman?
i think.. i would be focusing on my kids and husband. this is what my life would be, coz it want it
as my some important stage of life. at the moment, i just wanna finish my study nicely, and get my
career dreams achieved. and for the relationship part.. i let it be.

with a mask at work could be nice. it's not faking. for me, wearing a mask is nothing at all.
the mask is not a fake for me. i'm actually like this. like i'm borned with these sorts of abilties.
i could be a sweet nice friend, a sweet girlfriend, a smart lady on my business, a cool teacher,
a charm n bright student in class, a professional receptionist ding customer service?
i guess... while oneday i become working in Psychology, i wouldnt even need to wear a mask.
we just have different faces. we are all borned with that or trained with that. anyone disagree?

anyway... i m very sincere to the ppl ard me, to myself, to my surrounding.
i dont need to fake anything. if i want, i have done it so easily.
there are so many thigns i could fake, and if i fake, those would help me so much on my career
or anything. but i chose to tell truths, it brings me more doubts by ppl, but i m happy with that.
coz it's all so true, so real about the Castor you know.

seeing the counsellor actually helps me. i feel lighter after two sessions.
i want to find out more and more... i m looking forward for the Mon coming.

i used to find myself really lonely, very lonely..
but recently.. i feel lighter, and i dont find myself as lonely as much..
maybe coz i have more resting time now, and i adapt better at work, and most important i have my
dear girls Shan and Queenie with me hanging out.
it's strange.. i used to... bare myself with Stephen in my mind. everyday i wanna chat with him,
wanna see him, wanna do this do that for him. but since he has been so busy no time for me,
i had been quite paranoid, and... slowly and slowly... i didnt know what to do.
i was like.. desperate for him. but... now... since things slowing down... i relax myself more..
and i feel more peaceful now.

there are so many thigns i dont know.
i'm waiting for myself to wake up, not as in from a dream, but.. to see and feel what actually is with me,
in my mind. i have been so confused about all the conflicts and different values i have.
now, take things slow, and wait to see what is actually inside myself.
i feel better off.

i want the peaceful and happy life in stead of the... hostile life.
i tink.. i could be better. i could do better.

so now, when i can go home resting after the tiring day, i feel so happy.
coz ... my home is.. my home.

and i wish i could share a song iwth my friends, or anyone who needs to remind themselves that..
they need to cherrish what they have..
(even though actually not really ppl would read my diary but just.. a feeling that i wanna share with..
anyone... anyone..)

Home-
Chris Daughtry


Chris Daughtry Lyrics

This is the MV form Youtube.

Chris Daughtry Lyrics


Work hard Castor..
Live your life with you faith and passion.
coz.. this is the love, the gift and... the real meaning of a life.
you're so lucky...

for whom have been loving Castor, i give thanks and blessings for you.
i appreciate all your love. you make the person i am today.
for whom have not cherrished me, any few of you hated me before, i am sorry for you. but...
i dont put on blame, i know you have tried your best. i might have made you feel bad,
that's why you dont want to hang with me or whatever. i wish someday... when you found you had misses me,
you would understand how to treasure things and ppl that you actually love to be with in life.
i m sure you would know what i mean, in someday, maybe just not with me. might be better with another person.
i give my blessings to you. i wish you all the best.
i am saying all honest from my heart, for both kinds of ppl in the world, love me or not is up to you.
coz it all has been up to you.

>>September 6, 2007 at 6:02:44 PM GMT+8

2007 年 9 月 4 日 星期二 【晴】

i m at office now...
reading some articles n researchs, i found this..

“Sexy is Sexy”
Repeat this to yourself every time you start coveting the legs/décolletage/hair
or anything else sported another woman you deem attractive.

Sexy Sadie Says: There is no certain weight, body part or personality trait that makes someone
give off that va-va-voom vibe -- it’s the whole package. Whatever your size, style, quirks or
perceived flaws may be, embrace them, shine them up and show them off! When you accept
who you are and work with what you’ve got instead of sitting there wishing you were someone else,
you exude confidence and slink comfortably into your own skin which will give you the luminous glow
of confidence which is so much sexier than mile-high legs or a heaping bosom.


Do Something You Love
Sex appeal is not about just looking good, it’s about being happy, comfortable and inspired.
Sexy Sadie Says: There is absolutely nothing as sexy as a woman who is talking about something
she is truly passionate about -- whether it’s politics, art, her work, her hobbies or her children.
Honing your interests will remind you of your dreams, talents, desires and the many wonderful
interests and traits that make you who you are. Living a life of purpose is sexy so get out there and
do it!

Relationships expert, Brenda Della Casa, is a journalist and casting agent who has spent the last six
years interviewing single men and women for a variety of television shows and articles. Last year
she interviewed almost a 1,000 single, married and coupled men world-wide, together with hundreds
of single women for her breakthrough book, Cinderella Was a Liar.

>>September 5, 2007 at 3:48:35 AM GMT+8