2007 年 8 月 24 日 星期五 【晴】

hi.. Aug 25.

one month pass.

anyway... i wasnt feeling well, i took a half day off, but ended up almost one whole day off.
i woke ard 1 pm, then... had late lunch with Miki at some Taiwanese resturant. nice.
then, i walked her to the glasses store, then i went back to office, stayed for 1.5 hr or 2 hrs,
then back home resting...

then started cooking ard 7 30.. cutting things, preparing stuffs..
then cooked at 8.. Shan arrived home..
then... we ate at 9 pm... we had some tea and longan/ dragon eyes afterward..
we tlak alot.. comsmetic, make up, fashion, matching clothes, different lotion, prefume, bags, etc..
girly stuffs. girl things haha..
then.... yea.... i quite like the dinner tonight.
i made pasta and cuttle fish bites.
very tasty..

after Shan left, i washed dishes... cleaning up kitchen... tired.
i wanted to go out tonight. Shan met her guy after dinner...
Choi was back from the police trainin camp, so wanna join them for a drink.
but i was so tired.. and wanna watch TV "Help You Help Me" .. so i stay home.
then chatting with Alesja and Cap on line.. nice..

hummmm
i wanna buy a bag from Guess it's sooooooooooooo nice......... hee.
but i cant do shopping anymore.. sigh.
anyway.. i wish the bag would be waiting for me..

i m thinking of Stephen.. where is he ?
humm i think of my friends as well... dont know how they re doing.
tomorrow.. i wanna stay home actually but.. i need to prepare lunch and breakfast for my sisters..
well... i m not a mom but i feel like being a mom..
then.. yea... i m just thinking.. i should move out someday while i'm still single..
so i could go back to my free days, my free life, my own life style.

then i have been picturing my proposal, the project. i need to make it before Tue afternoon.
i will have a meeting on Tue afternoon before my class start. well.. i m a bit... nervous..
but i have to get thigns done as soon as possible.. i m kindda worried, but i gotta make it happen..
i cant just sit and wait anymore. coz i need to move on, i cant just stay at the office whle i m not
at school. i have to make better income, i have to walk out my own way, right?
i cant just sit and help Ella while it's nothing much for myself.
well, i really really hope things would work out.. coz.. it should work, and if it does work,
and i run this project nicely, it should be a very big profit for me.
and it would grow, bigger and bigger.. then i might be able to have my own business after grad.
well but i m not so sure yet.. so.. the coming 12 weeks would be quite essential.
i have to keep my eyes on things, otherwise.. it would become others' profit, not mine.
it's nothing really big, i mean not a very big business. but i think it would be a big change for myself.
i ve to catch this chance and work hard on it.

>>August 25, 2007 at 5:20:39 PM GMT+8

2007 年 8 月 23 日 星期四 【晴】

hey hey

tody i woke up early... not so early actually... then... rushed out to meet up Shan.
we had breakfast together, then we took train to Lo Wu, Sheng Zhen.
haha we spent the whole day there.... so tired...

well we at first walking around in the Lo Wu "Business" shopping mall.
then.... yea... we walked for long then had dim sum in a chinese resturant. ha... not bad...
very relaxing afternoon..
then.... yea.. we walked and took train to Dong Men area...
we walked and did a bit sight seeing...
i saw a HUGE Spongebob !!!! ^^ so so soft, so so cute!
it only costed $45. well.. but RMB is more expensive than HKD now..
and i was using HKD there... kindda expesive. actually... ppl there used to welcome HKD,
but now theyy dont want HKD. that SUCKS. coz... we dislike RMB in HK as well.
anyway... we didnt buy anythign there..
i bought a bag in Lo Wu... its pink again but i love it. it looks lovely and young.

then.. we decided to take train to... Hua Qiao City.. i wanna visit the Wal Mart.
but then... it took us a really long jounry totehre... more than 30 mins on train..
hummmmm then..................... we arrived and it was raining. then, we found the way to there..
we were lost. haha. then we arrived.. omg. it's not a real Wal Mart. it's a big Chinese Store.
then yea.. a bit dissappointed.. then took the train back to Lo Wu... soooooo tired ha..
then i shopped atthe book store there... Miki and Leggy love the Detective Connan Comics.
then i bought some for them.. then... we checked out and pass the Custom and back to Tai Po.

we sat at McDonald's. we shared some fries and chicken wings...
just wanna rested then went home.

today is okay... a relaxing fun day though.. heehee.

but then tomorrow need to work... hummmmmmm
then back home need to cook for my sisters, and Shan should come over ...
i will make Pasta again. Tuna fish, mushroom, red onion, with black peper fresh tomato sause.
then i will also make the sweet octopus bites.

i have thought of Stephen...

>>August 24, 2007 at 3:27:07 PM GMT+8

2007 年 8 月 22 日 星期三 【晴】

hi.

just now... the tv... was on. someone tred to kil himself.
but then his family just safed him... the family power is really big and important.
i think of myself.. i wanna kill myself. i didnt sucess.. coz i thought of my family and friends.
thank you all... coz of you, my life becomes better, beautiful. thank you for everything.

then... hummm.... at work today was quite bored... till Brett and Mendy came..
so funny Brett. i knew he was waiting for Joey. and we joked alot.
Brett seems a funny guy. i met him for a few months. at first i thought he's a serious person,
very cold one, but then recently i found him actually pretty funny.
Mendy was like a little girl too. well haha.. i think she doesnt look as old as Ella anyway. haha.

then.. i kindda hate taking children to the washroom now.. coz... i think it's Ella's responsiblities.
it's like.. okay... ocashionally is fine, but... 2 times in 1 hr with two little kids?
isnt that your job to make sure they all finished their little business together?
whatever.. i feel like i'm a maid sometimes.

then... hummm i dont see Stephen on line today.
actually even when he was on, we didnt really talk. i dont want to know why, i just know it is true.
humm recently... i try to.... calm down..
and... try not to think about things.. i mean.. everything.. i just wanna forget what had happened.
but i found that actually much harder than i think.
from crazily in love till now very painful accepthing things changed..
i've seen the most beautiful and ugly moments.
sometimes i feel very very tired... because... seems like every bad things happened are all caused
by me, which i think it's not that true.. and like... i m sad coz you made me sad.
well...

i have committed myself totally...
but i guess... in stead of being sad sitting at home, i should have my wonderful life here as well.
i could be as well as many other girls. young, smart, beautiful, humours, attractive.
if one guy doesnt know how to cherrish me, nevermind, i would still shine,
and two guys dont appreciate, nevermind. the third one is coming..
till someday i will meet the one who will know how to appreciate me and love me totally with his heart.
RIGHT? give Castor a *smile !
hahaha well... i m not gonna do the stupid thing again, but watch out.


humm just now watched Hotel Babylon !!!
IT'S BACK!!!!!! hahaha i love it. interesting !
well i still havent finished that book yet..

>>August 23, 2007 at 4:43:58 PM GMT+8

2007 年 8 月 21 日 星期二 【晴】

hi.

so so so tired..

i was busy today..

well had lunch with my dad and Leggy.. it was great =)
then back to office... busy then had class with Alex and Julia.
well they are fine. Alex was so cute... haha.
i gave him marshmellow. then i asked him what it's made of.
coz in chinese we said that's "Cotton candy"
then,. he told me it's made by cotton. haha i asked him... is "cotton candy" a kind of candy.
he said no. it's a kind of cotton. hahahaha it's marshmellow, it's candy not cotton hahaha..
then we have "rabbit candy" in chinese. so i asked him what "rabit candy" s made of..
he said rabbit makes rabbit candy. i was like oh my god.. he's so cute.. i was laughing..
he really dont know. then i explaint to him how ppl make marshmellow...
and how we got cotton... then he doesnt understand. he just looks at me, so innocent.
haha... Julia is 1 year older, she was laughing too.
Ella heard that she was laughing and asked him what other food is made of.. haha.
this child is so cute. he's bright and cute. well... he has lots of protential to do better.
and his is a great child, even though he's so naughty. i m sure he will be popular for girls later. haha.

then.. when i go off, at the bus station, i saw Queenie.. hahahaha... she's so funny hahaha.
anyway... yeaa..

i m so tired....
i wanna get alot alot alot of sleep...
then... yea... go out, have fun.
i actually want party... not as in.... full of alchoho or cigareet or any drugs...
i just want a school party.. a gathering or something like that. some crowd, some activities.
i m lonely sometimes. i wanna make some changes, i am ambitious..
so.. i should plan for myself.. find out how to be happier... do myself the favor, make myself more
beautiful, more charming, more confident, more adorable =)
make new friends, stay close with my friends, enjoy my life in stead of looking for death.

well... no matter what... i consider myself lucky, coz... i have my happy family, my lovely friends,
a job, maybe another job in the future, and some hopes in my life.. and not forgetting about
my "jealousy relationship"... sigh. friends asked me what i would do next... i say i dont know.
do you hurt me? do you hurt me? do you hurt me??
humm yes.
do you love me? do you love me? do you love me????!!!
erhhhh..... see what he does next.


anyway..
i love Maroon5 songs..
here is one new MTV


>>August 22, 2007 at 5:11:24 PM GMT+8

2007 年 8 月 20 日 星期一 【晴】

hi..

hummm
i didnt wanna get up this morning, fine... worked...
then... yea.. ve been slacking...
then i left ard 6 15 pm..
coz.. Tue shift is till 6pm... but today dont ve class.. so yeai ust back home..
so tired..

watched half of the movie, then slept till dinner time..
so so so so tired.

hummm i dont wanna work actually.. i just wanna rest...
sigh...

then.. nothing much happened.. had lunch with my parents, spent time in the bookstore after lunch..
then hummm yea.. chatted a bit with Queenie and Stephen.

well.. regarding to the friendster or facebook whatever.. all is done..
guess it takes me sometime to recover and think what i wanna do next.




From Psychology Today:
Personality Test
The ACT Profile: Results

Personality has an immense impact upon how you feel, act, and react at work, yet people rarely
take the time to understand how their personality style influences their work experience. Studies
and everyday experience show that personality can propel a person of fairly average intelligence
and education to great heights or can make the smartest person feel like a failure. Personality colors
everything.

People rely on their intelligence, education, and job skills to become more successful at work,
yet spend little time mastering personality traits that interfere with their attaining a higher level of
performance. Most people have tremendous potential to dramatically increase their job success
and satisfaction by

Understanding their personality and its impact on their effectiveness,
Appreciating that their personality is a critical asset that needs ongoing care and nurturing, and
Taking greater responsibility to actively manage their personality at work.
The ACT Profile uses reliable and valid methods to assess which personality attributes are prominent
for you. Your scores on each of the 11 personality traits are displayed on the profile below. Scores
for each of the traits are displayed in percentiles created from a database of professionals, including some from your organization. The center point of the circle equals zero and the four concentric circles
mark the 25th, 50th, 75th, and 100th percentiles comparing you to the database of professionals.


Legend

1 Helpful (score = 87)
2 Sociable (score = 92)
3 Need for Approval (score = 44)
4 Dependent (score = 28)
5 Tense (score = 21)
6 Rigid (score = 10)
7 Controlling (score = 37)
8 Competitive (score = 72)
9 Conscientious (score = 91)
10 Achieving (score = 30)
11 Innovative (score = 41)


Your ACT Self Profile is a snapshot of your personality. The longest/largest shaded areas show which traits are most prominent and characterize your presence. If, for example, you score 82%
on Competitive, it means that 18% of people are more competitive than you are and 81% of people
are less competitive. This is a moderately high score compared to other people-higher than four out
of five people. A score of 8% on Sociable is a hard sign that you are not a people person, given that
92% of people are more sociable.


Summary of results

Below is a brief summary of your results.

Competitive: wants to be the best at things
Spontaneous and fun loving
Enjoys working with others, cooperative
An extrovert
Assertive; good at expressing thoughts and feelings
Strong work ethic; believes in hard work
Determined and persistent
Ambitious-highly motivated to be successful
Good listening skills-takes others' ideas and suggestions seriously
Energetic, enthusiastic, very expressive
Concern for quality and timeliness
Persuasive but not pushy
A natural salesperson

>>August 21, 2007 at 5:39:18 PM GMT+8

2007 年 8 月 19 日 星期日 【晴】

hi.

i woke up ard 10 am... then rushing to go meeting up with Shan..
we went to Central together... i got the appointment with the counsellor today at 1 30.
well... i forgot the address and phone number.. so hung on line while i was washing up..
then left, and had bought a "bo lor bai" with ice tea for breakfast.

went to Central.. then walked around, still got time..
then.. i was early arrival.. then... filled in application form and waiting..
i was quite nurvous actually..
then had a seesion.. and actually i need to buy a note book for wrting notes before the next session.
well.. i would attend to the 2nd session not on next Mon but the week after..
coz i would be busy on the next Mon. anyway... yea... it was okay. Shan was waiting for me..

then... after that.. then Shan got the call from Queenie.. i was on phone iwth her, i was shocked.
then i rushed back to Prince Eward for a meeting with Edgar. Rami couldnt come in the end.
then... during the meeting, i had recieve a lot of strange calls. i was SO PISSED OFF.
thn... after meeting... Shan and i were walking back to the MTR station.. then... that fucking guy
called again, i was asking him what he really wanted. he said money money money talk talk talk.
then i was just so pissed, i was on the phone with Queenie talking about some serious things..
that guy kept jamming in. I ASKED HIM TO F*U*C*K* O*F*F* ! F-U-C-K O-F-F ! i was almost faint..
i felt so not in control.. i was so mad at that guyl.. and i knew Queenie met the hecker on line.
i was so angry and i was so worried. some frineds got strange mesg thn came laughing to me.
i was like what are you talking about? omg.. it was so terrible. i was so frustrated and tired..
i didnt know what to do.. i was so messy..
lucky that Shan was there with me the whole time..

then we went back to Festival Walk.. then.. i sit in the Pacific Coffee..
i just got Shan helping me to buy a bottle of water.. then i got on online.. then..
i saw Stephen on line. i talk with him for long. i was supposed to be using the computer for 10 mins only.
but then no one come to stop me, proabbly dont dare to. coz i look not okay at all. i was like a mad
tired girl. my face tells everything. then.. yea... after talking.. i have been resting on the table..
i was not able to think, not able to do anything else. i just closed my eyes and sit.
then Shan was there.. omg...
for awhile later.. we went to ToysRus. i wanna go there to check what new toys arrived..
i'm going to work on my project soon, but then still need to talk with Rami. then after that..
i need to get my project done and get it to Edgar. i hope things could be done by next week,
so that i could start on my plan as soon as possible. then... probably quiting my currect job in October.
things are quite complicated at the moment, and so unstable still. need a lots of work to do,
and need to match up with time and stuffs. even if i can work on the plan, it might be difficult to do
actually. coz... more responsiblities i would have to bare. anyway.. it's better to do rather than talk.
and yea.. i think i'm in.

so.. after all.. ha been walking around.. man... i really need to breath i really need to calm down.
i was like... i was asking Shan if i was dreaming... told me that's a dream and slap me please.
then... we ate something at McDonald's there.. and back home..
it's raining..


after checking.. i found that... actually... i lost my friendster account..
my facebook was cleaned up, then my msn was like undeveloped.
and i wanna say... no matter what... it is really too much.
well... facebook... is not that... much to me, but.. still my "quizs" there mean a lot to my friends and me.
well, some stupid ppl did that quiz who i didnt invite or i didnt expect. but for some friends, the quiz is real.
then... "my pet, the BoobooCas" is my real pet there, i do consider her as my pet there.
and it was canceled. and i was very unhappy. i probably wouldnt be too upset over some funtions
being canceled, but that's really too much. and like "The Wall" and "The Fun Wall"... ppl leave me
mesgs, not you, how oculd you delete them. it's still alright... but then... "my plants" there were cleared,
which i really felt unhappy about, same reason with "my Pet".. then the worst is... all my frineds are gone.
well, i could understadn why it happened, i knew nad i understand.. but it doesnt mean i argree with that.

then Friendster... that person has no ideas about what Friendster mean to me.
dare him deleted my whole account there.
it was there since 2005 before the first time i left Vancouver, while i was having time with Victoria,
Cynthia and Adeline. at that time i was still there struggling. Friendster got lots of history of mine during that time of period.
then... it records everything, every changes of mine from being in Canada to
back to Hong Kong here. it has my testimonials WHICH I D NEVER WANTED TO LOST...
coz they are from ADE. and that time of her was just so different from the her now.
i would never met that Ade anymore, and why that person can do such things?
there were so many pages of notes/blog at there, which has been my personal data base of some
test result, some memories with my dearest frineds from Vancouver !
every memorries, from the first theme till the latest one, was kindly designed !
i wanted to delete my account in Friendster, coz i dont use it anymore and Stephen doesnt use it
anymore too. but the point is.... it still has its own value being there, and for those sakes of my
treasurable memorries with my frineds, i would never be willing to delete the account !
it's the GROWTH of my life. and it is now deleted. how pityful it is !
it's now all gone.
it was ended with some rediculous insulting mesg flowing on my netword there...
WHY ?!!!!?!

my hotmail account was in panic too... i lost all my e-mails there..
the point is... the point is.... there were a few e-mails... were actually there since i was 16.
and now i am... 21... a lot of times in past i wanted to delete them coz Hotmail wasnt that great at that
time... but then i deleted otehrs to save sapce for them... why? coz.. they were from some Shan Hai
students in one big exchange programme in my High School. we lost contact for long.. we were mail-pals.
then... i had been waiting... maybe someday they would contact me again, and that's why i d never
changed my e-mail address. at my high school time... i always stayed in touch with the exhange
programme students, those from foriegn places students.. coz.. i value friends alot..
i'm very helpful.. i always vorlunteer doing tour guide jobs... for me... inviting ppl coming to HK,
and spent a few days with them was my happiness. to do something good for my hometown,
share what i like and enjoy in HK... i love to do it, who wouldnt? but now... those part are gone as well.
they are all deleted...

i just re-built the facebook.. redirecting some funtions.. but.. some are just deleted, no records saved.
then i lost all my frineds there.. i wonder why....
why it must take to hurt someone to prove something out. it's not necessary. it is really not necessary.


i am so angry... i understadn why that person do that, but i am still very angry and unhappy..
sometimes it's like... once you have done something, it's never gonna be able to regret.
for me... facebook oculd be developed again, but Friendster... it's just gone now. all my memorries are
being blanked now.. i dont have good memorries, i always lost them.. and now.. i m gonna forever
losing them. it makes me a very big pity in my life now !
if it's just about me, i wouldnt be that... upset... but it's about other ppl now, not only me...
how could that person doesnt even think about that...
i just wonder......... why the ppl would do hurtful things on purpose to show the care.
if you really care about that person, do you usually do hurtful things to prove that you care?
to hurt her, because you care about her ! that's really funny. but i am sorry.. why is me...

>>August 20, 2007 at 7:22:24 PM GMT+8

2007 年 8 月 18 日 星期六 【晴】

hi...

i woke up at 1 sth.... finally got some long resting.
well, then rushed to go out have lunh with my family.
then... we had dim sum, nice.. so long havent had a relaxing lunch time.
i mean.. everyday were just so busy and tired, stress from work or exams..
so.. every lunch were like.. omg.. time flies.. i gotta go back there again.. really wanna run away but couldnt.
then today finally ... finall... can sit down eating slowly without thinking of work or study.
and i'm on term break now. thanks. but i know.. my results coming should be very bad..

well, after lunch, i went to Sha Tin with my sister, Miki.
we just walked around.. we found a pair of shoes, pretty nice and cute. it costs $270 HKD in Zara.
but forget it, it was the last pair. Miki doesnt want it. then fine.
i didnt shop.. i have to save money for my counselling and perhaps my later business.
so... yea..
then we went to City Super.. i boght something at the supermarket there.
it was cool, i found my fav. biskits, the one i lvoe the most in Canada.
then i bought cornflakes as well, and the tart shells. YUP. i am going to make egg tarts while i will be
free someday. and yea.. next Sat, parents wont be home.. so i gotta prepare dinner for my sisters,
and probably invite some friends home for my cook, too. well.. i m not scare of afraid. haha..

hummm got chatting with Cap on line... and i didnt call Ade back recently..
i might probably call after my 1st counselling session tmr.
yea, Cap knows about my break up already.. sigh.... she just comforts me..
yea.. thanks.. hummm... i dont know. i hope i am not going to kill myself again.
i actually attempted twice. but.. i stopped. i think.. it's better to stay alive, coz... if i dead, ppl gonna
suffer for me, and that's pretty un-wise. i dont have any good contribution to my family..
i dont want to hurt them.. i love them.. and i dont want my dad to take care of my student loans.
then my sisters are not like me. they would be very shocked and ... maybe they would need
the conselling afterward. and then.. if my parents, relatives know why i die, then... i cant imagine..
and so for my friends, whoever like me, love me, care about me.. i would have hurted them alot..
omg.. when i thought of that, that moment i was sad coz... it's like.. i cant even make a choise to end my life.
but now.. i m more calm... still very sad... but... yea... more calm...
once i ve told Shan... if i die, i would die after my holidays. at least i could rest first.
then Shan said while we go out, she would make me feel happy. i was like... "haha, thanks."
haha.. and she's accompany me to the counselling tomorrow..
then i would have the meeting with Edgar and Rami after that in the late afternoon.
well, i havent prepared well yet... gotta make a profolio actually.

hummm anyway...
i found something strange..
i was on facebook... doing nothing... wanna make some new connection with ppl.
i joint a few new groups. i joint VPC group!! AMAZING ! i had been looking for it, but got nothing!
so i gave up, and yesterday or today i just found my frined is in! so i joint too!
it's so nice ! finally got the VPC group!
then... hummm joint some Vancouver ppl group. i miss Van alot.. so i wanna know what's happening
there. i dont really ask Ade or Cyn.. but yea.. it was fun.
then got a few mesgs with ppl there. hummmmm.... something strange happened.
i mean... i knew a new frined recently.. and we are chatting sometimes on facebook.
somehow coz he's a psych student, and i found he is studying in Iowa State too.
well... i found him a bit... weird ? or something like that but i didnt care much. just friend.
but then... today.. i just found that.... ... . . . . . . some kindda mesg was not sent by me in there.
i didnt notice that at first. i just thought of that he usually replied my mesg no matter what i replied.
then once i replied, i remembered i didnt receive his reply.. then tonight i just checked.
coz i seem lost his information shown on my facebook. then i found there was a mesg not sent by me.
i question myself.. if i have sent it just couldnt remember?? but i guess... i didnt read his reply...
why would i be able to reply?
and the time of that mesg was Sat noon. and that time i should be pretty busy..
2 pm on Sat is one of the most busiest time at office. 3 classes of students come and leave.
i should be taking care of the kids and their hand books and notes.. why would i made that mean mesg?
i was thinking... what happened.. then i found that... he is on my block list.
and i dont understadn why i have blocked him when i dont even know how to block a person?
if i know i have blocked some ppl already ?!! then.. i found Chris Hau, my ex boyfriend was on my
limited list as well. then.. i wasl ike... WHAT?? why would i have done that?
i d never blocked Chris or anyone on my msn.. no Junmin, no Chris, no Benny...
why it happened on facebook? i was just wondering... who that person hecked in my account.
coz.... the person should be someone i know. and this person... knew something about me.
that's scary.. here's the information i know...
1) maybe this person knew my passwords from me, which i'm thinking of the possiblities...
2) this person could heck in to my other accounts, if this person did find ways or ppl to help him hecking.
3) this person might be near around me or knew me well to know who should be blocked or seperared.
4) this person is jealous about those mesgs.
if this person was one of those crazy guys, who have been bothering me...
i would defintely CANCEL any ties with him WITHOUT a doubt.

and actually i have blocked Ata right after. coz he's one of the possible person, and i hate him anyway.
he has been really crazy even threaten me, and i really hate this kind of ppl.
he has said like... i shouldnt stop him loving me. i told him directly that.. oh yea, but your love is really
botehring me and irretating me. i asked him why he has to be so obsessive to me? like..
i would like to block him i told him. then he got mad and threaten that he would die for me if i blocked.
oh whatever i said. i would be sad for 2 days then i would be fine. you die for yourself not me.
i was pretty bad to him honestly, coz i really found him soooo irretating. he treated me like his girlfriend
but i hate his ways. he always want to do something to me but everytime i got told him i knew what
he wanted then he laughed it off, like i'm some stupid 13 y.o. girl. i was so pissed. everytime talking
to him would make me angry and feel like being insulted by his praise. i just couldnt stay in contact with
him. he made me wanna escape.

anyway... that message might be made up by Ata... or Henry... coz... Henry sms me recently,
but i didnt reply.. then he kept sms me, then i just replied .. i dont want to tell him about my life.
Henry is on facebook too.. but not blocked or limited.. so... who that person is?
but usually Ata showed up on line after my 3 sth pm here... and that mesg was sent ard 2pm.
it's strange.
and then.... i m thinkning of... who might have my password...
it could be Stephen. but.. i just wonder... why would be him... i dont know...

i really have been considering if i should contact him...
but... i dont know.... if i should... coz.... i dont want to hear like... "piss off" things like that..
and.. i wanna stay calm... the next time if i wanna die, i might sucess.
and i m thinking... maybe he wouldnt want me to contact him...
even i e-mailed him.. he probably didnt recieve any.
like on SAt.. i got the reply from the Perfspot.com
my account was sucessfully deleted, i got their confirmation. i forward that to Stephen..
i wanna let him know that i really did delete that thing. i m not intrested in that Perfspot.com anymore
since some crazy ppl there have been bothering me..
so... yea...
anyway.... i m gonna take a shower, then..... make my small profolio for tomorrow meeting.

stay calm Cas...
i miss him, i cry.. but... i just wonder if i should contact him again.
coz... if he really blocks me, he had lost all the information i sent. so.. i gotta repeat myself about those
terrible things? or... eventhough i contact him, he wouldnt even know coz he has blocked me.
if i call... and he knew it's me.. i could imagine what he would say over the phone.
i posted him a package before we broke up actually. and i m not sure if he has recieved..
now.. he probably wont sign it or just got it re-sent to me if the Canada postal office let him.
so... i cant do anything..
if he wants, he would contact me, right?

>>August 19, 2007 at 6:58:48 PM GMT+8

2007 年 8 月 17 日 星期五 【晴】

i dont know why, i am just very not in mood today.
i woke up i thought it was sunday. but ntot. i woke up again and thought.. SHIT.
it is Sat !
then i got up and prepare to work.

well, i was so un-like me. nope, i m always forgetful anyway..
i made many mistakes today. so sick.
then, quite busy.. sigh..
around 7, i already wanted to go home.. but tonight is the staff dinner.
our first "staff dinner" with all the teachers. well three didnt come anyway.
hummm i was so bored, really really bored there.
i really wanted to come home. then somehow i feel like... eventhough i am off from work..
i still need to assist Ella.... and i dont like it. i am not a maid or your personal assistant.

then... Brett just reminded me of Stephen.
omg.. i really wanted to leave... he's canadian white as well.
well, the whole dinner, he kept talking, joking, the way he spoke, he acted.. just.... make me think of Stephen.
i just thought of Stephen alot alot.
omg.. i really wanted to leave... it was killing me..
and the resturant.. omg.. i just thought of the time with Stephen and... stuffs.. omg..
i wanted to cry, but i didnt.. i couldnt right? it was a staff dinner.
so i was pretty tired, bored and sad at there. i try to not show it... but i dont know..

anyway... i dont know what i can do... it's pretty bad.
Ella asked me if i wanna go to LKF with her.. i just reached home, no, i m not going.

tmr would be a holiday for me.. well, term break , cool.
then i would start the new schedule, a more relazing schedule.
then.. on Monday got the appointment with the counselor afternoon, then a meeting with Edgar and Rami.
i got prepared something today at office, and then i need to do some more prepartion tmr.
hummmmmmmm i m very sad... i am very sad...
i felt hurt so bad. i dont know what i can do, what i should do.
suddenly... my life seems like.... missing some parts, and.. those are taken out... empty.
it's like bleeding, very hurt, and... just so terrible.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My Love

this song belongs to the memorries of mine in Canada.
when i heard of this song, i just thought of all the ppl in Canada.
when i was singing it with some friends, i was crying..
and then today... i just really wanna cry coz i really miss the ppl there.
i miss them so much, i really wanna go back to the time.. which is impossible.

then, i think of my relationship. i really dont understand how could he think about me in that way.
i really dont understand why we have to be like now, and it hurts me really really really bad.
in my past relationships, no matter how bad and hurt it was, i d never, never wanted to die.
he's the first one who makes me actually have the urge to kill myself. he is always my only one..
why couldnt he just understand that... anyway, it's like everything is the end now, and i m stuck.



Westlife My Love

An empty street,
An empty house,
A hole inside my heart,
I'm all alone and the rooms are getting smaller

I wonder how,
I wonder why,
I wonder where they are,
The days we've had,
The songs we've sang together(oh yeah).

And oh my love,
I'm holding on forever,
Reaching for a love that seems so far,

Chorus:
So i say a little prayer,
and hope my dreams will take me there,
where the skies are blue to see you once again,
My love,
overseas from coast to coast,
to find the place I love the most,
where the fields are green to see you once again,
my love.

I try to read,
I go to work,
I'm laughing with my friends,
but I can't stop to keep myself

from thinking(oh no)

I wonder how
I wonder why
I wonder where they are
the days we had, the songs we sang together(oh yeah)

And oh my love
I'm holding on forever, reaching for the love that seems so far

Chorus

To hold you in my arms,
To promise you my love,
To tell u from my heart
What I'm thinking of

Reaching for the love that Seems so far
------

>>August 18, 2007 at 3:36:51 PM GMT+8

2007 年 8 月 16 日 星期四 【晴】

sigh..

i woke ard 11 30...
then had my tuna salad from last Sun.
then.... pink grape fruit juice.... then started my study finally on today.
but then i couldnt focus... mom and sister left..
then i had been crying.. actually weeping...
then... yea.. couldnt study.. then... so terrible..
i called Ade, she's watching video.. then i called Cyn, she's studying for exam as well.
we talk for a few mins.. yea..

mom and sister back.. they bought me chinese puddin, which taste like soya-milk.
then yea.. after eating... then i listened to music... Leggy played folk songs, quite peaceful..
then.. talking a bit with Queenie on line then rushed to school for exam.
i was lucky to catch the mini bus to TaiPo cneter, then... waited ofr the 307 for 40mins.
i was soooooooooo running out of time .. i dont know what's wrong with the schedule, i guess
one bus skipped. then well.. i got the traffic jam as well. damn, i was 35 mins late to my exam..
they could get me out of the room actually...

anyway.. i wrote till i was told to stop. and i sensed that i was writting something not from the book.
coz... this time was the hard questions. i dont have much infomration on my mind.
so yea.. kindda crazy... i just reviewed... part of the book, not even notes from Dr. Chan..
so.. yea... crazy.... i just try to write and explain whateever on my mind.. sigh..
i wrote 8.5 pages for 3 ques.. full answer book.
sigh.... i would be glad if i could pass this final exam. then i was at the elevator with Dr. Chan.....
omg...... he was asking me about the exam... and i told him i didnt have enough time to study, which
was bullshit, well kindda true.. coz i took the time to work or just couldnt coz too upset..
but then... i didnt tell him i am upset over something. he was teasing me coz of the "gathering"?
once in class discussion... we discuss on if we would go to the gathering of a formmer client.
i said i would go, coz she/she is not my client anymore, especially in a small community,
there would be hard to have met new frineds.. and after the long hard day, some gatehring time
is good. then.. i know we shouldnt go actually. then he asked me questions, and we all laughed.
he asked, "why do you have to go?" then i was just silent with smile. well "coz i want to go"
just gathering only, nothing much actually ? hahah. i rmemeber it was fun at class.

sigh... anyway... this term... finally pass... i wish i could have the rest now..
and no matter how bad exam i have done, i wish... the overall result wont be too bad...

i felt sick again..
i felt headache this afternoon... might be coz too emtional at that time.. i felt the heat..
then now feel like to cough.


i am sad.
i really hate him saying me "those words", accusing me.
i feel so much hurt. i feel so frustrated. it happened since Monday.
omg.. i really want to kill myself.
i was standing in front of the patio, i wanted to jump, but i know i would die unless i hit something.
coz from our appartment to the ground would only causes me broken legs or arms.
and my family need to suffer for me, and i wont be dead but suffering in bed.
uhhhhhhh.... i find that's actually hard to die even when i want to.
but then i'm thinking what if accident happens... if i really wanna die?
i dont know.. when i think of my fmaily and friends... i feel so much hurt about wanting to die.
but when i think of him or my relatiionship.. i just want to die.

>>August 17, 2007 at 6:19:43 PM GMT+8

2007 年 8 月 15 日 星期三 【晴】

hihi.

today is another same day.

well... life goes on..
i had two classes today. i enjoy quite much actually. so happy with the kids.
well i believe that... i could be happier actually, while i stay out of the shit.
humm Ella and Richard invited me dinner with them, okay. we had a relaxing dinner, and dessert.
we had fun. and i have also talk about my sadness and stuffs....
well, when somebody knows it, he might be probably unhappy about that.
but... i think... maybe he hasnt really stand from my side to see, that's why he didnt understand me.
everytime while we fight, it's so terrible for me.. coz.. i'm always the one to... understand him,
consider things from his side. humm.. did he truely recgonize that?

well... i dont know what i can do beside just calm down and calm down.
especially when i am facing my final exams.. seems like everytime shit comes with exams.
i have been working hard the whole term, waiting to hit my final exams, then i usually just have the
tendency to screw my finals huh? ha... what the fate huh?

i guess... 20 e-mails, mroe than 10 msn instance mesgs in total should be well enough to try my best to explain.
i guess... maybe he would never be able to read those messages or e-mails, he has already blocked me.
it's not like... i have been wasting his love.. but... just... see what i have been doing and trying for him..
isnt that just well enough to prove even though there are some misunderstandings?
if he has to close his ears and eyes, then... yea... i would just walk away in stead..
i m so fed up as well. if it's what he wants in the end, nevermind, he hasnt lost anything big,
i'm still the stupidest one and so ? i would just move on this time.
last time i was trying to move on but i didnt, but this time, as he requested, i should have gone already.
so i remain stayed alive, and should leave him alone, correct?
if its truely what he wants and thinks... okay... i would just accept it.

well... in friendster, i saw a "message", and i was mad.
Evie said... "see who he finally picked" i was like what?! what the fuck, just leave me alone !
why does she need to do this? being happy seeing me fall is fine but come showing me? what a bitch.
had i ever done anything or said anything to tease her? NOPE?
had i done anything bad enough to deserve that? i dont think so.
i dont even contact her! she contacts my friends!
whatever i dont wanna care anymore....
yea i m harsh, coz i have to state myself clear that... i just want her leaves me and my friends alone.


got this from my friend,
Quote of the day

"When you pray 5 times a day, pray for a heart instead of the cheap substitute you have now"
Isn't that just offically moving?

my answer is... i am not sure. i just want to stay calm.
give me a break..


well... tomorrow.... i would need to totally focus on my exam.
whatever things i would just have to leave aside.
well.. well.. well....


This is just a song sharing here..
it says how great i used to feel when i was in love with him, untill things happened.



Things I'll Never Say
Artist(Band):Avril Lavigne Review The Song (41) Print the Lyrics

Ladatadata ladatadatadadadatadada dadadadada

I'm tuggin' at my hair
I'm pullin' at my clothes
I'm tryin' to keep my cool
I know it shows

I'm staring at my feet
My cheeks are turning red
And i'm searching for the words inside my head

Cuz I'm feeling nervous
Tryin' to be so perfect
'Cause I know you're worth it, you're worth it
Yeah...

If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I want to blow you--away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight?
If I could see what I want to see
I want to see you go down--on one knee
Marry me today
Guess I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say

It don't do me any good it's just a waste of time
What use is it to you what's on my mind?
If it ain't comin' out, we're not going anywhere
So why can't I just tell you that I care?

'Cause I'm feeling nervous
Tryin' to be so perfect
'Cause I know you're worth it, you're worth it
Yeah...

If I could say what I wanna say
I'd say I want to blow you--away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight?
If I could see what I wanna see
I want to see you go down--on one knee
Marry me today
Guess I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say

(What is)What's wrong with my tongue?
These words keep slipping away
I stutter I stumble like I've got nothing to say

'Cause I'm feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
'Cause I know you're worth it, you're worth it, you're worth it
Yeah...

Ladatadata ladatadatadadadatadada dadadadada *2

I guess I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say

If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I want to blow you--away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight?
If I could see what I want to see
I want to see you go down--on one knee
Marry me today
Guess I'm wishing my life away......

with These things I'll never say

>>August 16, 2007 at 5:34:31 PM GMT+8