2008 年 10 月 10 日 星期五 【晴】

yesterday.. i have done 90% of my job before i left.
i didnt have enough sleep. couldnt sleep well.
i have been thinking of him... and i had too much coffee i guess.. so.. yea..
the sleep spray helped me abit.. it helps to relax.. although i didnt sleep long, last night i got better
sleep then the nightsss before.

i woke up... very tired.. but yea.. Sat.. last day of work of a week.
i used the new make up today. i got the voucher from The Body Shop.. i had nothing to do with that,
just dont wanna waste it, so i checked the new Minerals make up, and i bought the foundation powder.
and with the brush, and some organic cotten pads.. it's quite cheap and nice. so yea.. bought them last
night on the way home, then i try it today. hummm... it's okay... but... i like the Physical Formula one..
that's the one i got in Canada.. it said it's the organic wear line. that one is nicer. The Body Shop isnt
too bad, i like it though. both are quite nice compare to lots of brands for sure.

today... busy...... did lots of work.. very tired actually..
Carole asked me to leave earlier.. but no... i should stay..

when i left.. i saw the guy.. hummm i still dont know his name. but i saw him a couple times when
i went to the washroom. he works next store.. he's the hair dresser. there were a few times we met
accidentialy.. i just said sorry. he said that too then i left. this time he was just sitting right infront of
the exist, so.. i just gotta greet him. but i still dont knwo his name. it's weird sometimes.. coz.. it's like
a big neighbourhood here. some ppl would greet each others sometimes.. i dont do that alot.. unless they
are the paretns, or... some ppl i always talk to.. like... the cleaner or magament ppl or the candy shop
lady.. or... the staffs in the suppermarket.. i would greet and smile, sometimes talk a little bit.. they
like me.. and they are very nice to me.. but... to guys... i dont usually do.. especailly there's a guy who
would just yell my name as in.. sweetie pie or hey pretty.. i hate it. but then.. there're so many hair
dressers in that salon.. and some of them were our students. now we got so big competition here,
i wanna keep our good reputation.. and i dont want ppl think i'm the icing queen.. i would rather let them
know i'm friendly and smily instead. but definitely not to those weird men who always stared at me or
those who have freaked me out.

i'm very very tired.. i'm wishing a nice weekend rest.. then on Mon, i would go to school to pay for the
registration for my graduation ceremony.. then i dont know.. wanna take some time off to do my own
stuffs, like.. maybe sitting at some coffee shop to read my book, relax.. then i know i should go back
to the office, coz i still havent finished my decoration. it takes time. maybe Mon late afternoon..
then on Tue, i wanna stay home tidying up.. gotta throw lots of old stuffs.. i need some more space..

i got tonz of textbooks and notes and files.. class materials... they are all over my room and in the
living room as well since last year actually. i was very into my study and work.. i let them being
messy, coz at least i would knwo where i should go when i need specific things. i got no time to take
care of those.. and honestly.. i got too much high shcool stuffs in my room.. many old books too..
i dont need them anymore. i kept lots of journals and my assignments on my shelf.. those were the
good work.. so i kindda wanna keep them.. and i read one or two once or twice since grad.. it's funny.
i read a weekly diary of my... 15 y.o. time.. and i saw myself was so innocent. haha. i wrote alot how
i felt when i saw my friends suffering in their assigment and how i thought i couldnt help. i wrote about
the guy i liekd at that time. i wrote about my anger and frustration when i was working for the student
union. and.. yea.. funny.. well.. sometimes.. i think it's just the right time to let go of some old past life.
time to move on.. i still keep those in my heart... but just that.. something have to go.. now maybe is
the right time. i used to be.. the person very reletant to... give up on the old stuffs. coz i am always
afraid of being left out or.. just afraid of the unfamilar future ... now.. no... time to go.. then just let them go.
i'm still a bit insecure sometimes, i think it's normal for everyone to have some sorts of uncertianty
and insecurity sometimes. but if it's time to go, then it is. i think now it's the right time to let go of some
old stuffs, and yea, i'm ready for that now =) eventually i am. i should write more about that later...

so yea... i'm very very very tired..
i think i need something. hummm.. okay. i guess i know what i need.

>>October 11, 2008 at 1:44:55 PM GMT+8

2008 年 10 月 9 日 星期四 【晴】

Hi. i'm at the office now.. tring to start my day here with a mug of strong coffee.

i woke up this morning.. heavy puffy eyes. i dont know why my eyes were so tired.
i hardly open my eyes while i was brushing my teeth and washing up.

i wanted to have a peaceful morning, making breakfast and watching news..
mom was making soup in the kicthen and the radio was on so loudly. so... no... it was a bit annoying.
the radio show was funny but i didnt really enjoy it. i just got a bad morning.

i remember i got tonz to do this week at work.. and i opened my file.. now i got a serval files to store
pieces of doc or whatever memos besides the office log book.
i gotta fix the bill, something's wrong there.. gotta call the book store and check what the hell happened
to my book order. it's been days they still havent replied me. i need to talk to the other staffs about the
MPF, and before that i gotta go through the doc first. and gotta help Ella to make an appointment for
her baby's vaccine in the hospital. then i need to call the teachers again to confirm the meeting time
next week. and i need to write a memo for Jacob about the students' request and need to follow up
with the parents. then i need to arrange a new class, so gotta call a stduent and try to switch his
class to another day which i really dont want to.. but,... it would be better for both student and the
teacher anyway. the Sat classes crisis still havent resolved yet. i need to talk with 3 or 4 parents
about the new plan and gotta talk with Karen about that too. students complaint. then finally i could go
back to the halloween decoration. oh yea... the toners are supposed to deliver today, and yea i need
to go to the bank again today to fix the payroll for Carole. damn, i was there yesterday and i need to
go there again. why Ella didnt tell me earlier?

last night i got the letter from school.. i was happy and excited about it.. it's on Dec 7, Sun.
hummmmm i need to pay... ard $3200 for everything. it's quite expensive though. if my sisters would
go, then i would need to pay anotehr $800 for them. i dont know. of course i would like them to come,
but it's quite expensive. so it would be like $4000.

i dont know if Ella wants to test me to see if i would be able to handle the new center. she talked with
me yesterday, and then she asked me for advice and stuffs. asked me what i would do and how..
blah blah.. for me.. i dont know i have told her what i think. then she told me what Richard thinks.
well... he is 30 somthing, of course he would want to have the bigger investment and want to take the
risk more than us. if it's okay, why not give a try, but what i focus is how you approach the person
that you're gonna talk with, and how are you gonna make the plan and how to make things possible.
it's easy to say but maybe hard to do.. so.. see what i can do. sometims it's hard for me.. coz.. i gotta
do everything at the office.. small and big.. you know.. i'm so stressed sometimes and i just hope that
i can get rid of her personal stuffs, and something like the bills and stuffs arent my responsiblities.
it's like... yea.. i take care of this i take care of that, i'm doing so much of the back up work, and i dont
have any help at all. when i cant go forward, ususally coz there's something undone or not clear by
her or just the situation doesnt allow me. i am frustrated sometimes but.. i doubt she understands me.

i'm gonna finish up my coffee and start my work. omg.. i still need to take care of my flowers and
the checking some stuffs at the store room. i wish i could exercise tonight. it helps me to relax.
i feel like i can burn the stress, the fagatiue from my body and mind. but i'm just too tired...

be back tonight... or maybe tomorrow.. if i am too tired..
hummm i wanan take some time off to take care of my graduation stuffs. i wonder when.

okay.. i just notice that there're another 11 mesgs on the log book.

>>October 10, 2008 at 4:08:38 AM GMT+8

2008 年 10 月 8 日 星期三 【晴】

i'm so tired. and i just want to cry.
i want to take a hot bath, cry, and got back to bed.

i got tonz of work to do. and i am feeling so tired and unwell.
i'm stressed.

i wanna exercise, but i'm so tired after work. i am hungry when i'm home, but i am so tired.
i'm not happy.

well.... dad just came back.. and he brought me a letter from school..
i am really graduating in Dec. finally. it's quite expensive though. hummmm..

i talked with honey today when i was at the office.. i dont know.. i'm so tired..
i wish i could just stay beside him. i'm just... stressed and tired. i need him.

>>October 9, 2008 at 3:21:30 PM GMT+8

2008 年 10 月 8 日 星期三 【晴】

today is a bit cooler finally.

i couldnt sleep last night... just tossing and turning... i guess.. i fell alseep ard 4 am..
then.. i woke by Miki ard 7... she was so nosiy this morning... i heard her fell something on the floor
and that's my bag.. i left it on the chair last night.. i hardly fell back to sleep.. then my alarm on my
phone rang at 8 15.. so i got up.. but then i realized i am a bit early.. but... i didnt feel very well.
i got a hot shower still fell very bad. maybe not enough sleep? i dont think so.. just feel weird.

anyway.. made breakfast.. i got some blueberry bread. so i out it into the oven.. and i was making
tea... i turned the tv on.. something's wrong... then anyway.. i watched the debate again... then..
mom was back home from the hospital. then i checked on my toast. it's burnt. it usually doesnt burn.
so i was kindda annoyed. it's so black. then mom saw it and nagging at me.. i just asked her to stop.
and i hurt my finger. i had that toast anyway.. with raspberry jam. i was watching the debate.

i wanted to finish the whole debate but i gotta run.. coz.. i need to work. i need to catch on the bus.
then.. back to the office.. i just couldnt funtion well. dont know why.. i just feel very tired and weird.
i am so slow.. and i cant speak Cantonese 100% correctly.. and i dont speak Eng as fluent too.
my shoulders are pain as well. so weird. i got so much to work today.. but i am just slow..
i work... but... slow..... and sick.........

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
anyway.. i reviewed on the debate thing on CNN.com:

"Obama said health care was a "right," while McCain said it was a "responsibility."
Obama's health care plan includes the creation of a national health insurance program for individuals
who do not have employer-provided health care and who do not qualify for other existing federal
programs. His plan does not mandate individual coverage for all Americans, but requires coverage for
all children.

McCain opposes federally mandated universal coverage. He believes competition will improve the
quality of health insurance.
McCain says he would reform the tax code to offer choices beyond employee-based health insurance
coverage. Under the plan, all taxpayers would receive a direct refundable tax credit of $2,500 for
individuals and $5,000 for families "

McCain is smart and experienced, but Obama is more intelligent in many different ways, and got higher
potential to be the next US President. McCain said it's "responsiblity." yea, of course it's the Gov's
responsiblity to take care of the health insurance. but in this case, Obama used the more appropirate
word, "right." coz it's based on the Consitutions. and you know what.. it's the Gov's responsiblity,
but who knows if you are gonna be a responsible president, especially everyone can see how strong
he is about to twist the facts into his own ideas. if it's only responsiblity, then maybe you wont do it
as if you really want to do that, you might not do it from your heart. it might reflect only how much
you want to be the president, be responsible for the american ppl. but it doesnt show how much you
are willing to pay for that. you cant have my trust then. coz Obama said it's "my right." so it's already
something belongs to me, and so if you dont do it well, becareful of your ass. and "right" this word is
just very powerful coz of the consitution. so his words are according to the strongest and the most
solid and respectful thing of America. Obama wins.

i saw Obama was very careful on his words, and he thinks very fast. he is more expressive then
McCain, as in he is more organized when he speaks, and he can easily pull out different examples
to support and explain his words. he is aggressive but still he wouldnt say something "doesnt exist."
he isnt saying too much "beautiful words" but he takes every sec to elaborate on his sentences and
statments. he is a good public speaker in the logical way. McCain is a good speaker too. he is stronger
on... the arts of words. good at wordings, but somehow i find it way too much.. he just cant fool
everyone, unless the amercian is really stupid like that. and i wonder what those 40 somthing % ppl,
votes, are thinking.. like... he speaks nice words.. his solutions sound nice.. he is experienced...
but his VP Sara Palin is so terrible. she is pretty but... she is nothing. she only got the look. but McCain
is old.. and he doesnt look healthy. i dont know, i think nowadays, US needs democrats more than
republicans. dont compare with Bush. coz.. Bush has been doing wrongly that eveyone would not
deny. but then it doesnt mean that the repubican would do better. its like republicans are good at
compaign.. but in this new century, i think it's more important to be aware of the balance on diff ppl
"rights" and be smart on everything. i mean be logical, scientific, and compassionate at the same time.
do something before say something, coz this is the basic thing to sucess. so.. McCain... no... he wont
make it. if he becomes the next US President.. then... i am so sorry.. i dont know why the american
is.... so blind to vote for him. and suddenly i really wish that HK could have the election for our HKSARCE.
Donlad Tsang is not elected by us... someone from China assigned him to be. well i like him.. it's okay..
but ppl think the China Gov is tring to control us, that's why. and lots of HK ppl want our own election.
i used to think.. well.. i dont care.. coz HK is always so messy on politics. especailly coz of the
"democrats" in HK is just... they are so crazy about fight against the Gov. so i hate them so much.
they dont think for the others but only want their good. so.. it's stupid, and i would rather voting for
the Gov here. so.. i dont know.. but now i want our own election, then maybe HK would have the
better future. i like Donlad Tsang.. but maybe we could have the better choice too.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


i am feel sick and tired.. =(
it's nice to have chatted with honey for awhile.. but Ella was here.. she was talking with me..
and she was talking with that new teacher Karen as well. so.. i dont care.. we were in the middle
of the meeting. i wanted to talk with honey instead even though it's business hours. the thing is..
i wasnt quite funtional as well.. so.. i just wanna stick with honey instead, which i cant.
then.. i was listening to them and i was talking with honey too. i was so slow... then.. after Karen
left.. Ella focused on me again.. we continoued our meeting.. blehhhhh...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

the coming days would be getting more intense at work.. and... i'm busy about the Halloween decoration
now, and some new classes arangments.. and some changing calsses stuffs. sigh. then Ella started
to discuss with me about the open day and stuffs. so i'm gonna be busy about that. i gave her lots of
ideas today.. and this and that.. so.. i guess she is really gonna promote me? hummm but i dont know
how much she is paying me though. i think i can handle that.. this is pretty challenging for me too.
but it's not my business, it's her business.. so.. if she is not paying me what i deserve.. i would be very
unhappy.. coz.. i would work extra hard for many stuffs... and coz i care about her and the new place.
but.. at the same time i think.. if she doesnt pay well, then it's just toooooo obvious about she is taking
adv of me. so... i dont know....

few days ago.. there's an old schoolmate from USU called me.. i wasnt really interacting with her
at school. i got my own buddies.. but sometimes she would come talk to me.. well i was the vice
president of the student union at school.. not only in high school.. but that stupid campus of USU also.
at that time, Jin wasnt very popular at school.. coz ppl talk about him behind like he is acting cool..
so ppl dont like him. ppl would come talking to me instead. then that's how i met this girl. she called..
and asked me for advice.. i actually blocked her on my MSN and Facebook.. coz... she is .... a bit...
unsual.. as in... i kindda find her offensive sometimes. and after a chat with her on phone.. then i find
that............. she has huge issue... that she should be seeing some diff ppl and on medication..
i wonder if she needs to be hospitalized. no wonder there were so many weird mesg on her MSN...
i think in HK or anywhere.. we do have lots of ppl needing help. and sometimes we just cant take care
of all of them. like this girl... i am so sorry.. i dont know if she knows i have changed my major after
leaving USU. i left there and then i went to Vancouver.. VPC.. then back to HK and i enrolled in Upper
Iowa University, which is the one i'm in now.. so.. she might not know i'm a psychology person..
i was careful when i spoke to her. i didnt freak out, and i knew that she found out something about me.
at first she wasnt using any professional terms when she explaint to me her situation.. she explaint
alot. but then after i spoke with her for a short while, she started to use the professional words, when
i didnt mention any at all. then she stopped revealing herself but repeating what i said. so...i dont know.
she said she would call again. i dont know if i should take her call if she does call back.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


i miss honey.. it's good to see him on the screen. ha.... but... yea.. Ella was here.. so... i cant..
then.. i told him i miss his kiss.. i miss his touch. yes i do...
what can i do?

i metioned to Ella about working in Canada. she is okay. well.. she knows about me and Stephen..
she knows that we are serious.. so.. i think she could understand for long term i gotta plan for myself
and him.. i wont stay in Elchards forever.

i've been missing him... Cas... you should get some good sleep tonight.. dont fall sick..
the coming weeks might be stressful and tiring... hang in there. sigh. i miss him.

>>October 8, 2008 at 5:06:42 PM GMT+8

2008 年 10 月 6 日 星期一 【晴】



that is the Badge i made from Facebook. it looks like... some adv.. haha. make it for fun.
it's good to put up on personal page.. but... i dont think i need to adv myself here. anyway, just for fun.

today.. i just woke up late again. i couldnt sleep last night.. i was... sad.
then had late breakfast... some tea with chocolate.. then i left home having dim sum with my parents.
after that we just did some shopping for goorceries. my bad spelling. then back home resting..
eating lots of fruits today. i almost finished the whole pack of blue berries.. then i ate some orange..
and i bought dragon fruits.. so maybe tonight hee.

i saw honey on line.. i was fixing the Skype last night. it was kindda stupid. i mis-type my username.
so... its so weird now.. my name should be ms.rockyrcho... but then i forgot the letter y.
i am asking Skype if i can change it but they e-mailed me today said no.. unless i cancel this acc and
apply for another one. i am tring to do that. stupid me.

"You Make It Real For Me"- James Morrison


last night.. i couldnt sleep.. sometimes when you miss someone and when it's so intense...
then... it's just like... no air no air.. that song. and... when you try so hard to fall asleep...
it's just harder to fall asleep. then you would think of him more. when i listen to this song, "you make it
real for me". i just feel like to cry. but suck it up Cas. it just feels like... everything is so real.

"Everybody's talking in words I don't understand, You got to be the only one, who knows just who I am.
And you're shining in the distance, I hope I can make it through.
Cause the only place that I want to be is right back home with you.
I guess there's so much more I have to learn, But if you're here with me, I know which way to turn.
You always give me somewhere, somewhere I can learn, You make it real for me.
I've been missing you lately.. coz you make it real for me."

yup, i did went to Van to see him, yup we did have good time, and yup i'm home in HK and i miss him
sooooo much.. and YUP, i have to live my life here, and YUP i do should live hard, laugh hard, love hard.
just... untill i see him again, untill we meet again... i should live well, and learn better how to love myself.

"Better In Time"- Leona Lewis

2008 年 10 月 6 日 星期一 【晴】

i woke up late.
got ready to meet Shan for lunch. we had dim sum today. we had a great time.
then.. back to the office.. discussed on some work, then started to decorate for Halloween.
then got a call from Carole, bank problem. then i called Ella. then i ran to Ella's home, then took the
cash and took a cap rushing to the bank. it was like 20 mins before the bank closed.. then...
i was there 15 mins before it closed and deposited the money. so rushed. i was running to Ella's home,
running to catch a cap, running to the bank.. lucky.

back to the office.. worked a bit... then back home resting. mom saw my new jacket today..
i brought it back home from office today. i got a new bag from Aldo when i was in Van.
it's actually cheapper than in HK. we dont have Aldo here, but if i get a bag from Joy & Peace or from
Stacato then it would be much more expensive. anyway.. yea.. mom asked me not to buy anything. ha.

last night.... i just cried in bed. humm..

>>October 6, 2008 at 5:25:23 PM GMT+8

2008 年 10 月 4 日 星期六 【晴】

today... i woke up... made breakfast, then i went out to meet Miki.
we hang ard Sha Tin... we walked around. i bought a jacket from Zara. it's HKD $700. quite expensive.
but it's nice. and i want a jacket like this. i didnt buy it right away.. but before i left Sha Tin i just decided
to get it. so yea... went back to Zara to buy it. nothing much. very tired. back to the office.. i gotta pick
up my blue berries. i had two packs of blue berries. then back home. it's raining today.. bad.

back home resting.. and watching a moive on my lap top.. "Hancock" i quite like it...
i'm the super fan of Spiderman. but then Hancock is cool. hahahaha... i like Will Smith. it's okay.
i'm still the super fan of Spidy. haha.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i kept thinking of him last night and today. i think about myself. i think about my past. i think about what
Shan has said to me. she watched me growing up, well... we grow up together.. she knows me more
than my sisters or mom knows me. she's like a mirror to me sometimes.. coz.. she is one of the most
trust worthy girl of mine. she had never lied to me, and i know she wouldnt. but she protects me and
helps me everytime i need her. haha.. she's just like an angel beside me. then... she told me i have
changed alot. she told me last time... about what she thinks about me and Stephen together. it's like...
he is the one so far that can make me changing myself so much. in the past, when i was in love with
other guys, i would never listent to anyone, not including her. i always trusted myself and be blinded
in my world. after break ups, i would still be stubbon in my own world, figuring lots of unresponded
answers. figuring the things i couldnt recognize. no matter how hard she and other clcose friends
have told me i should do this i should do that, i would never do it. coz it's just me. but... after being with
Stephen... Shan said he seems having that kind of power to make me grow up. she described that
like the super attraction. hahaha i was laughing out loud when i heard her saying.

the lowest time in
our relationship so far was around 1 year ago... i was almost broken down to end my life. i was broke.
not financially. but... i was so exhausted at everything basically. and.. after a long bitter period, we
were finally patching up slowly.. and honestly i was really exhausted at everything at work, at school.
i was either upset or sad 5 or 6 days a week. finally we were patching up and we broke up again.
so.. it was the most rigid time of myself as well. but after that.. i realized i couldnt just die. coz... i just
cant leave my mess for others to clean for me. i sitll remember i was sitting inside the washroom..
i was crying on the floor and i was holding the sessors. i wanted to cut on my hand. i just wanted to
end everything happening at the moment. i just didnt want to face anything happening. the sessors
was the cosmetic one.. like.. for fixing eye bow. i grapped it and holding it.. pressing on my hand..
but i just couldnt do it. coz i thought of my family and my friends. i love them, and i cant just leave the
sealed truth about my death, and i couldnt just leave my student loan. and so.. after that.. i started
seeing a counsellor. i was so lost.

and slowly.. i learnt to ... i'm still learning to live my life. it's kindda hard to belive... how i pick up pieces
of my memorries.. re-think about them whenver i was ready to.. then i realized i wasnt crazy. haha.
i have just forgoten how beautiful life i am actually living with. i forgot how beautiful i am. i forgot how
much ppl like me and love me.. and most importantly i forgot to love myself when i love the others.
so.. i am living a new life..

so when Shan said... Stephen has made me changing my life. that was actually a complicated
sentence. for me.. i think... there are lots of things happened in the past 2 years since i knew this guy
and fell for him. yea.. true that.. there's something i dont know what it is... attraction maybe... he just
draws my attention, and since then i was so attracted. it's so weird. maybe he didnt do anything much
intentionally, it's just the way it always is. it was natural. andcoz of him, i have seen lots of things i d
never seen before, i never known before. some was freaking me out, some was not suprising,
some was cute, some was loving, some was driving me nuts, some was totally fresh and new.
just cant explaint what they are, but they are just so real to me even though i cant see this guy everyday.
i cant relate him to my any fairly tales. i couldnt be the cinderella. i couldnt be the snowife, not even a
princess. HK girls have something for being a princess. i am just not one of those.

when i saw him in person... it was..... haha.. nervous and.. weird. but after 1 or 2 hrs.. then i relaized
everything was real, and started to make sense to me. and i couldnt belive that after 21 days, i would
be cring to leave Canada coz i was leaving him. yup, i knew him in Sep 2006, and i saw him in March 2007.

in 2 years, i felt like... time flies.. but ... these 2 years has happened too much. ups and downs like the
roller coster. i have been hanging on to him. we have resolved lots of worries and uncertainties.
some article said... if the guy has met the right girl, the girl doesnt have to do much then the guy would
just want to be a better man natually. i dont know if i have that kind of power to make him a better
person. you know.. i'd never bossed him to do anything for me. i dont ususally ask him to help me or
do me any fav. but.. i belive in him and i can see that he isnt a bad guy, he is not. i am so sure he is not.
and he wants to be a better person for others and for himself. there are many things i havent told him
in face, coz... not the right time yet.. but... i do love him as who he is and i am proud of him.

many ppl see lots of potentials inside me. i wasnt doubt but... i would be shy and i wouldnt admit truly
to myself how great i am. coz... you know... greatness isnt for showing off but for being useful
to the others. like.. if i can use my strengths to do something great for others, to contribute, then it's
great. otehrwise it's just nothing. so.. i didnt really take compliments when i was youngerrrrr.
and i hate comparisons or any unfriendly charllenges or attack. no matter how my friends or others
say something good to me, i didnt feel good, and i wouldnt really try to push myself.. however...
Stephen saw another side of mine. and.. it ensures my fears towards him somehow.. coz.. it's like..
in conscious, i sorts of understand and aware of what he said.. but.. another part of myself just
kept saying think twice Cas. and... he saw more than the others saw me. days by days.. many things
happened, that make sure myself that i do trust him and i am happy to have met him.

he knows i am not as confident as i show ppl sometimes. well.. i am not strong actually. ppl see me
strong only when i am at work or at school. some others know that too.. but he connects with me.
this is very special and.. cant be explaint. why there are so many guys in HK i couldnt fall for but
randomly.... him. there are so many times i might have been with other guys... but i still want him..
i cant explaint why i just dont want to leave. i tried to find so many reasons, but no one can fit my
feelings.

i think i've writen so much.. but still there are so many things cant be writen down on paper black and
white. it's hard to express in language. here is my space for myself. and i am writting alot but still cant
get every pieces down here. coz its just impossible. maybe when i am older and older, when i read it
again, i would find out the reasons why i love him. haha. or i would see more as i experience more
with him later in our life. but here's one thing i have to write it donw.. coz.. i am so afraid one day if i
have lost my memorry or i would just forget... here is the most important part...
this guy can see something i am unsure about, i'm afraid of. this guy he can see something the others
dont see about me. this guy sees these not coz of he is intelligent, well he is really intelligent.. he sees
me coz.. he just sees me. he might not be the perfect guy.. but there are so many things about him.
i love him as who he is. i like every little thing about him, and i am so sure i would still do when i get old.
he makes love real to me. we share some secrets, and that would be only recongized by him and i only.

i am still the independent girl.. learning to live my life, enjoying my every days. learning to love myself.
but at the same time... i cant admit that here happens someone has sneaked into my life. and that's him.
maybe one day... i would just point at him and say... that's him.. the one that i love and yes. he's that
right one for me. then he would smile? well.. never know when it would happen or never happen..
but if i am not brave enough, then how can i enjoy my days and nights. coz otherwise i would be in
misery again and again. and i dont want that. i wanna be happy. thats growth. persuing happiness.

i miss him.

>>October 5, 2008 at 1:49:47 PM GMT+8

2008 年 10 月 3 日 星期五 【晴】

i slept for 8 hrs, not enough. maybe i'm a pig.
i woke up with a lot of clouds above my head.

i dressed up a bit, made up.. had breakfast then went to work.
i'm so tired.. like... kindda dead... and Sat is just... busy. so i have to have coffee..
anyway... i had lunch.. fresh carrot and pear juice, then some small organic olival wanut bread.
then.. back to the office... worked... then... saw honey on line..

i chatted with him the whole late afternoon. it was so good to have chatted with him.
i was like... sooooo tired and bored at the office. Carole came out every lessons to check on me,
to see if i am dead yet. haha.. and yea.. helping her on the class materials. so yea.. my honey woke
me up and lighten up my day... i love him. hee.

humm then when i was getting ready to leave, Ella was back..
then.. we had a small meeting.. and she told me she's gonna open another center in Ma On Shan.
and.... she wants to send me there to help her to manage that center. she said she would "promote"
me as a "manager." hummmm... it would be charllenging.. but... i dont think she is gonna pay me much,
or i have certain worries about that. so... i'm still considering it. and then i asked her if she has told
Shan yet. she said no. she wants to know what i think. i was happy for her of course, but it's better
that she speaks with Shan by herself too. so.. i dont know.. and i do know that Shan is gonna quit..
but i cant tell Ella right? so... i called Shan after i called mom when i was walking home. Shan was
even more shock than me. hahaha.. but then yea.. i said we can discuss on it later on Mon. on Mon,
i need to go back for the Halloween decoration and take care of some parents and some calsses.
there would be some urgent arrangement. i really dont like it and dont want it happen.. but thanks for
Ella. she still wants to use Chinese and inexperienced teachers for new classes. i understand her but
it doesnt mean that i would agree with what she does at the office. so.. what can i say..

and then.. yea... that urgent arrangement is gonna drive me crazy for the whole coming week. there
are many ways to prevent that happen, but again Ella made this to happen, and she wouldnt admit it.
and you know.. it's just losing our reputation in anotehr way, which is pissing me off.. coz i feel like
it's destroying my hard work. i gotta move 12 students to shift time for another 3 students. just coz
of one of our new teacher is inexperienced and she is Chinese. i'm not against any Chinese teachers.
and i do support training and using fresh teacher. but the thing is.. she couldnt show that she is a
teacher. and she's not attractive. parents compliant and doubt on her. i have tried to help her....
she is shy but she has her own teaching method.. but.. i just dont see that working on young kids.
so... i dont know what i can do actually. i dont wanna change those 12 students' time for those 3.
i'm figuring what i can do instead.. but then i have to convience Ella with my new idea if i have.

i was talking with honey earlier on.. i didnt know about that promotion yet.. so.. we have tried to plan
for the future.. so... as a friend, i would liek to help Ella.. but... look at the money and my own future..
then.. i dont think i should take her offer. and the thing is... it's a new shop. i am sure i can do it pretty
well. i'm quite confident about that. i know i can do it.. but it's not Castor's business. it's Ella's business.
i know i'm the person who would work 120% for some perfection, but.. it's not mine. it's hers. and...
the thing is.. i am not getting paid as what i deserve. so... why should i... ? i just dont know. and i told
mom too. mom asked me not to work for her in long term. coz... it's just not worth it.

i miss him. i wanna stay with him. i wanan see him always.
i think it's better if i can find a way working in Vancouver, or in an airline as a flight attendent first.

>>October 4, 2008 at 3:24:03 PM GMT+8

2008 年 10 月 2 日 星期四 【晴】

busy. tired. same same.

this morning, i woke up, same.. tired and didnt really wanna get up..
i was eating my dragon fruit then watching for the debate a bit.. the VP debate.
humm it was okay... i didnt finish the whole debate. i wasnt feeling well this morning.
back to the office.. i knew what i had to do today but i was lazy and tired. i had no coffee today..
only green tea.. detox a bit... kindda busy.. but i'm happy that i can chat with him today..
i got some new flowers since yesterday, haha.. someone brought office flowers. nice. but Shan
worried about the mosquitoes.

anyway.. mom saw that new stranger this afternoon. mom brought me an umbrella. then she saw
him. he was sitting outside the office. then i told mom yea that's him. now mom knows it. so at least
besides myself, Shan, and Carole, i got one more witness now.

i'm stressed and tired. today i got a new student, but then i started to think if it counts as mine or share.
i'm just confused. i hate her system so much. it's useless and stressful. i try to treat it as something not
important. but still it makes me angry everytime i have to deal with it.

i didnt go on MSN last night. i just didnt want to. maybe coz i'm just too tired...
Rami mesged me tonight.. humm dont know what he wants.

last night i was in bed but i couldnt sleep.. i thought of him.. then dont know why i just cried.
i guess i miss him too much. and... i am thinking what i should do in future.

>>October 3, 2008 at 3:19:50 PM GMT+8

2008 年 10 月 1 日 星期三 【晴】

hi...

tired. and tired. busy day.

i woke up, so tired. i just couldnt sleep well. then.. laaaazzyy to make up and dress up, still i had to.
i wanna look great and fresh. otherwise when i look at the mirror i would be more depressed.
back to work.. start to be busy. updating contacts, opening the new log book.. checking on data..
read a couple of e-mails, got a serval calls, arranging new classes.. then.. yeaaa... headded to lunch.
you know what, i eventually found a few can of Canada Dry at Jusgo supermarket. surprise.
but they only got a few.. so i bought two. i bought juice too and some bizcuts from Krafts. it's 6 packs
in a box. it's 100 cal each pack only! ha.. nice. i bought the honey graham with cinnimon. taste good.

after lunch with mom, went to the bank, then back to work.. Ella was there.. so.. we had a small
meeting and tring to settling something.. oh.. stressed. then she left.. same same.. left me lots of work.
i was like doing lots of things that i shouldnt be responsible for. sigh. whatever, i will do it.
she wanted me to complete the pay roll and double check for the teachers. i thought it's her job as the
employee. it's okay, i can handel that, not hard. and then she gave like.. voucher from the cake shop,
coz she didnt give us mooncakes this year. well i do appreciate that. but she asked me to write some
notes for everyone personally.. i asked her what she wants to write about. she said she doesnt know
but she wants me to write something for each teacher, she said whatever like.. she was too busy
and didnt have time to buy mooncakes, write whatever. then i was like... huh? if you do feel like to give
someone's gift, not just a "polite gift".. then why not you write something but ask otehrs to? it makes
me feel like you dont mean to send the gift, you do it only coz you have to do this or what? if you dont
want to "attach your mesg", but asking others to figure that, then what is the reason to send the gift?
so.. i just write my personal mesg to the teachers but using "us", like.. i cant say something for Ella, but
say something as the administrator or whoever representing the company then. but i'm not the freaking
manager in this company. but i am doing all these.

it was so funny when i look at the calculation of my
salary.. she made mistakes, it's okay. but... about bonus.. i find it kindda rediculous.. i dont know how
to explain.. Shan told me it's unfair.. well for me.. i think this is of course unfair.. but.. i just dont know
other ways cant make it better unless Ella is willing to pay more, which i dont think so. and it's just...
really rediculous. if we care about that little bonus a lot, then we both would be angry at Ella. coz...
it's just unfair and rediculous.. but if you look at how different of that little balance.. then it just makes
things much more rediculous. coz it's like... less around 30 bucks, HK dollars different. i can easily
spend that on a meal, sometimes you cant even buy a meal with 30 dollars in HK. but this 30 bucks
made us feeling weird for monthsss. i just dont get it. why doesnt she just pay us more, by 50 50%.
she can definitely afford it. and it's so weird, she got the strict rule for that little money, and it makes
no sense. so.. i'm kindda thinking.. what's the point of calculating this "bonus." i could only get like..
$160 in total. and it's like.. come on.. there were only 4 new walk in students, not referrals, happened
on the days i work. but.. another 4 referrals maybe? and that doesnt count. so.. coz it's not part of the
servic we offered or what? if the referral came and i didnt do my job well, do you think that the person
would still enroll? NO. she's so funny said like.. if the person came asking then pay right after, then
the money belongs to only me or Shan. how high chances that is? 15% at most. it's just stupid.
well those new walk in happened before i came back to work, were all belonges to Shan. i DO AGREE.
but then after back to the office. i work almost everyday in the business hours. Shan was absent.
but still we follow the old rules but sharing percentage. is it fair to me too? but then again, the only
different is only about that 30 bucks in the end of the month. so why should i bother? it's a stupid thing.
if she wants to give a raise, give a raise. like another bonus that she gave me.. if i dont skip any days,
i could have $200 extra each month. but i was on vacation from May to late June. so no bonus in May
or June? then in July i got this bonus. but Aug and Sep no bonus. so.. it sounds really nice of her to
give me that $200, but look she knows that i wouldnt get that bonus anyway. so where's the point?
she sets this up, coz she doesnt want me to take sick leaves. if i take sick leaves, she has to pay me
for that leave. it's protected by labour law. so she said if i dont take day off, she would pay me $200
in stead. but look.. the days i was not at the office, Shan covered me totally. and i ve never been
absent these months. her system sucks. i'm so angry if i have to argue with her. i just dont want to..
it's really bad.. but.. i'm so... unwilling to talk about this. she's stupid.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i cahtted with him today... i miss him.. you know.. i miss him.
but too bad.. i was very busy at work this afternoon..

>>October 2, 2008 at 1:52:35 PM GMT+8