2008 年 6 月 27 日 星期五 【晴】

Hello.

yesterday and today are okay.. just resting and eating. haha.. nothing much.

humm yesterday... i woke up early, then had breakfast and stayed home till lunch time..
i had dim sum with my family outside, then went to the market with my mom.. then...
walked home and leaving again. i went to Sha Tin to meet up Miki and her friend.
i was there helping her to get the shose. she is preparing her outfit for the graduation dinner.
so yea... finally bought a pair of shose from Zara. back to Tai Po, i bought some soya milk..

i slept long last night.. i woke up ard 10 sth am... so sleepy..
had breakfast... then... watched tv... and lunch... getting ready to attend to Miki's ceremony.
humm it was okay. then we walked back and shopped at the supermarket for dinner..
back home watching tv.. resting...

i called Man Ying..and i paid for the 10th anniversary dinner. so yea, i'm going =)
i will see lots of old schoolmates and some old buddies.. some teachers... omg.. it would be so nice to
see them again. Shan will go with me. so yea.. hee.
then... i called Shan today.. coz i wanna meet her at the office some time before i officially return to
work. i need to see her before hanging over work. humm.. then we were talking on phone for an hr
something. hahaha... she told me lots of stuffs happened these days there.. something is about work,
some personal things as well.. oh my dear.. hahaha... good luck..

tomorrow.. we are suppose to go to Ocean Park.. a family day... but... it's raining all the time..
so we dont know for sure if we would be still going.. then on Mon, we will go ice skating at the
Festival Walk. then.. on Tue would be the public holiday.. we might visit grandpa.. then... on Wed,....
i would go over Miki's friends home, help them to make up for the graducation dinner.
then on Thurs, i would be back to work. hummmmmm...

i replied to Cyn and Lisa today.. hummmmmmmmm =(
of course i miss them... of course i miss the days there... and... yea.. like what they say.... i m back
home, i'm in HK now.. i'm catching up with my life here now.. it's just.. the time for myself to start
learning how to stay independent and move on without anyone's help. it's good to have my family
around. haha.. coz.. i wont be bored with them. and it's very comfortable to be home anyway,
even though they're very noisy, and sometimes they could be rude.. the thing is.... my home is very
small compared to the places i stayed in Van before.. and i dont have much space home here..
i am happy somehow coz i can see how much my family love me. i do appreciate them. i dont know
how to do anything special to show them i love them too... i guess... i dont need to do anything special..
but in the daily life, they would still see i care about them, and i'm happy to live with them.
i guess we're all living in a routin... and... if we dont try to do something to break through our boring
life pattern... then our life could be as boring always, and we just wont be happy.

i dont know... i talked with Shan today... we talked about last year... she said she admired me alot..
Ella had the same thought too. it's like.. last year when i was back from Van, i started work and school
at the same time just right after 2 days of my arrival. then.. Ella told shan that i wasnt ready to work
actually. i didnt really funtion well at work. haha i knew, i remember that. then... Shan told me... she
remember... everytime when Stephen and i got problems.. that always at my final exam period.. yea..
and then everytime i told her i was stuck and struggling to stay focus on my prep, i was in the very
terrible situation... but everytime she would hear from me that i got the good grade.. so... she was
like.. worried for me and with me, then she would be so happy for me as well. haha.. yea..
and this year... she asked me.. if i'm really ready to be back to the office.. i told her i'm not so sure
actually, but i think i'm doing okay so far. last year i left for 3 weeks. this year i left for 5 weeks..
and.. i'm okay. i miss him and i miss them... but.. i'm okay. maybe coz i know i'm going back in Aug ?
or... maybe i'm not terrified anymore about the future? like.. at least now it's not like the end of the
world.. i will be fine... i will survive. well, congraduations Cas.. you grow up alot.

i think i will be very lonely sometimes... i know i will be.. i know i will be sad and i will miss them so much...
but... before seeing them again, i would need to work hard and live my life here. it's not a sad thing,
but i would learn a lot, experience alot of new things in my life here.. i would just enjoy my life here.
i really miss him, i really do. does he miss me too? before he could get back to me, i wish him all the
best. i wish him well and healthy. i wish i could be there to take care of him.. but when i was there,
i realized what he wanted is not about someone to take care of him or help him to do anything.
maybe he wanted, but it wasnt a good time to start, or just not me. i think he knows the best.

>>June 28, 2008 at 3:18:06 PM GMT+8

2008 年 6 月 26 日 星期四 【晴】

hi.

yesterday, i woke up like 7 30 am... hummm still having jet lag maybe, but not so serious..
coz i do have 8 hrs sleep, and it's actually healthier to sleep and wake earlier regularly.
so.. i was watching tv, then came on line.. then made breakfast and tea.
hummm we dont have that kind of pills which could help readjust the sleep time..
i had it once or twice when i was in Van with Stephen.

after a long morning, then i went out to meet Shan. yea.. to see my best friend in HK.
i went back to the office actually. haha.. hummm 1 month yea? technically nothing much changed,
but then.. i was in touch with Shan everyday.. so basically i knew exactly what's going on there
alost everyday. so yea... nothing really surprised me.. but then... started to realize what i would need
to do at work, since i could visualize the stuffs and the situation at work.
then we had lunch together, the Vitnamese place... it was nice. then we got catch up a bit..
actually.. she knows me very well.. haha.. before i was heading to the airport, she was the last
person i have spoken to.. and when i got the idd calling card in Van, i called her sometimes even more
often than my family.. then she also called me when i couldnt reach her. so yea... she knows what's
been going on with me even though i'm out of town. after lunch, i walked her back to the office, then
i went to the supermarket.. i shopped a bit... for bread, peanut butter, some wine gums, peaches,
soya milk.. well.. i wanna make my own breakfast when everyone's still in bed in the early morning..
after that, i just walked home. it's rainging so badly here. i really dislike raining.
the thing is... when it's not raining, HK is just too hot in summer, but when it's raining it's so wet..
i dont like wet weather.. it's cooling but..... it's so depressing.

then yea... back home resting... i was cutting down my tea time at home.. but mom bought me some
chocolate tart, my fav... so.. haha... i ate then that's it. then i was falling asleep... but i didnt sleep till
almost 9pm.. then i took a short nap.. i couldnt wake up at 10 for dinner actually.. but mom cooked
my fav dish... the chicken wings with potato.. and we had soup last night... mom said i didnt have
soup for 1 month, so she made soup for me.. so.. yeaaaaa..... i had the food, but not too much...
coz i wasnt feel like to eat anyway.. then yea... i watched tv... it's Big Shot. HAHAHAHA..
so FUNNY.. and then Lisa watched this season already in Van.. Lisa and Denis downloaded them..
so yea... before i went to Van, i have been watching it as well.. just missed ard 5 episodes... but it
was fine.. it's still as funny and ironic. but here... sigh... i wouldnt be able to watch The View or
The Ellen show, or South Park, Simpson, Conan O'briem, You Think You Can Dance, Much Music, etc.
those are some of my fav there... so yea... the first 2 nights back home i was watching TVB channels,
hummm i didnt find the drama shows interesting... but then slowly.. i just accept them.. well, i grow up
with these stuffs, right? 5 weeks wouldnt kill my instinct and living habbits here, esp i 'm just back to
the exactly the same enviornment here... so.. yea... i'm adjusting well.. and i will be back to work in July.

i'm probably calling school in the coming few days.. then... yea... catching up with some friends
now.. and tomorrow is Miki's high school graduation ceremony.. i am going to attend it.. then.. on July 4
there would be a big reunion dinner at some resturant for the 10th anniversary of my highschool..
i wanna go.. but i might be too late to sign up actually.. i've missed the deadline when i was still in Van.
i didnt expect myself would be back home early, right? so yea, i was not suppose to attend Miki's
ceremony or the 10th anniversary funtion.. but since i'm home.. of course i would like to go..

then.... yea.. when i sleep and wake up.. i still got the same questions on my mind... like... when i am
so blank when i wake up.. i keep asking myself the same question... am i home in HK or home in Van?
take ard a few secs... then i just totally wake up... and yea.. it's just a dream.. i'm back home in HK..
i miss there. but i'm in HK right? so... i should just do my stuffs here, live my life here.. live my life fully
and enjoy whatever moments in my life.. coz... i deserve all the happiness in my life. i wanna live
happily, i wanna be alive.. thinking about Stephen... i still think of him.. i still miss him.. hummm..
its complicated.

>>June 27, 2008 at 3:34:04 AM GMT+8

2008 年 6 月 25 日 星期三 【晴】

now is... 8 16am, June 26, in HK time.

hummm.. i'm back home. i arrived on the 24th. it was not so good..
well, however it's kindda lucky.. coz... i took Air Canada. it was direct flight, so it was only 12 hrs sth...
the thing is.. if i took Korean Air... then i would be arriving ard 10 pm? on the 24th night, it was typhoon
signal no. 3 when i arrived, then it went up to no. 8... which it ususally would affect the landing and
stuffs.. sometimes they dont allow planes landing. so.. i was kind of lucky.

back to the 23rd in Van..
that morning, i planed to leave home ard 9 am... i eventually left ard 9 40am. haha..
i was trying to finish my toast and yea... final packing and checking...
then.. gave a call to Shan before i came back.. chatted with her for awhile at home... it was only me
at home though.. so yea.. didnt feel like i was leaving, i just felt like another normal morning at home.
then.. i left.. IT WAS REALLY THE PAIN IN THE ASS. it was SO DAMN HEAVY for myself to carry
all the stuffs walking to school and to the bus stop. it was like... holly geeess... it usually takes...
ard 3 mins to walk to the bus stop... that day... i guess i used... more than 10 mins?
i dropped by school, passed the key to Joy.. then i walked downstair and to the bus stop.. it was killing
me. i gotta stop a bit in every 10 slow steps. IT's PAINFUL. i got one big baggage, 23 kg. then... my
backpack was like... 18 kg? and then my another heavy hand bag.

anyway... i arrived at the air port early.. ard 11 am.. hummmm the thing is... i gotta walk to the
internation airport.. then... yea... HEAVY... and slowly.. coz i gotta find the way.
then i checked in.... i was so lonely, tired, and sad. i walked to Starbucks to get a soya lattie, with
hazelnut syrup. well... need some sweet coffee to keep myself calm and warm. it's my first time...
that sending myself to the airport, and do everything by myself, generally speaking all alone.
hummmmm it's okay.. coz... everyone's working, and i am not a kid right? then yea... i was sitting at
the same spot, it happened there was the only seat. yea, it's like... castor, that's your seat.
so.. i was there again.. and it reminded me of the first day i was sitting at the same spot, and he
came and poked me at my back, and i turned back, he gave me a hug. that's how we met on the first
day i arrived. and... surprisingly... it was 11 sth am, and it's the same time as that day as well.
sigh... how could that happen, castor? but here you go. it did.

so.. i was there... doing my journal... missing ppl.... then... got the sms from Cyn... so... i just go to the
pay phone, and gave Cyn a call... Kiana as well.. when i was home, before calling Shan, i called Cyn.
actually it was lucky that i called, coz her alarm didnt work that day and she was being late to work.
so yea.. called her and Kiana before i left. i wanted to call him, but... he's in meeting or he's not picking
up anyway. so.. yea. i just suddenly realized that i forgot to buy something for my student... and so..
i just bought some chocolate and pen for them...

humm i went into the gate at 12 50pm. the latest time would be at 1pm. i guess... no one would be
on their way to come seeing me, so... i waited till 12 50, then i just went in.

i went in, bought a Maple dip donought from Tim Hortons... then.. washroom... and got abaod.
i was the last few person walked on the plane.. and.. i took my seat.. then.. the ppl in front of my were
a mother of two.. and a bunch of Chinese ppl.. mainland Chinese i suppose.
it was... soooooo nasty. they were so noisy all the time, and i just couldnt stand how rude they are.
i was a bit shamed of what they did sometimes. it's like... omg..

i was really really tired.. and the first thing i did after settling down and took off was falling asleep.
then.. i got my first meal when i woke up.. well not a meal but snack and juice. then... omg..
i was in the middle seat this time.. it was like... XX XXXX XX.
so i was at the left of the middle. and it was the sec collum of the big screeen. ok..
the lady was SO GREEDY, and it's so UGLY. the flight attendent dropped her watch while she was
helping a person to put the baggage into the over-head storage. then.. she didnt know and she walked
away. we were calling her, but she didnt hear us.. so yea.. one Chinese lady said... oh it might be her
watch, she got the same one. gave it to her. then.. she took it... and put into her bag. we all saw it.
then.. some ppl said it might be from the flight attendent.. then she said.. she didnt know, might be it's
her or her. she put it into her bag anyway. then the flight attendent came back and asked if anyone
seen her watch, she dropped it somewhere. then i was pointing at that lady and said she picked that
up, it's in her bag. then yea, others were saying that lady picked a watch. that lady took it out saying
she had a same one.. then the flight attendent said.. oh really? this watch meant so much to me, and
i bought it in Germany long time ago. that lady was saying uh uh uh.. i was kind of laughing in my heart.
it's like... she was kind of embarassed but she pretended nothing? i was like... how can you do that?
at first, it wasnt your watch, and you witness who dropped it. then you claimed it might be yours and
so you put it into your bag? then that person came back to seek for the missing watch, and you didnt
take it out imediately but others were faster pointing at you. after that you still didnt apologize "you've
made a mistake." ?it's so ugly.

then... the mother of two were sitting in front of me.. then there're bunch of mainland chinese ard me
and them... it's just so noisy. it's not about the baby. the baby cry i can understand and i can just
suck it up. it's the MOTHER. she kept talking loud to her another kid. poor kid must be always destructed
by her. she is so fucking rude to her kid. always pick on her when she just did something she didnt like.
the thing is i didnt see any wrong that little girl did. she's just as normal as other kids at the same age.
and she's doing exactly right and normal at her stage. that mother has no respect to her daugther and
herself. the food on plane is never good, and no everyone can finish them, why she blamed her
not being able to finish the food? it's like she was so loud saying.. "how old are you? you always dont
finish your food, how stupid is it?" then when there's some crumb on her clothes, then she said like..
"why are you so stupid? of course you would make them on the floor in stead of letting them stay on
your clothese.. blah blah blah.." she woke me up and draw my attentions everytime. and she always
stand up, and she blocked 1/3 of the screen. why she stands up doing stuffs when she could actually
sit down on the floor? she got plenty of space to do whatever she needs. so funny.. coz.. she shows
so much more respect to the baby instead of her 7 y.o. daugther. i was so sorry for that girl.
the otehr Chinese were talking with her once awhile.. and it was so nosiy.. it always wake me up.

and you know what... some Chinese ppl, they dont know how to lock the door in the washroom.
and so, many ppl outside didnt know it was occupied and they tried to get in.. and i saw their face.
they were shocked that the ppl inside didnt lock the door. the ppl outside wouldnt see anything still,
but they would realize someone's in didnt lock the door, coz somehow they couldnt open the door.
and once i was in.. i locked of course.. and some person outside kept knocking on my door.
kept tring to open my door as well. i was thinking like.... what's going on?

it's so funny.. coz.. the guy next to me was Chinese.. and he took my seat at first. i was a bit confused
by the seat, so i went to another way and sit down. then the guy asked me if my seat was E or F.
he said coz that guy is not supposed to sit there. he changed. so i was like.. oh yea.. my seat no. is
not here actually. coz i was the last few person, the flight was full. i saw a seat empty and right with
my collum, then i just wanna sit down as soon as i can. so.. i talked with the guy who took my seat..
i asked him if he is sitting there or he just moved to my seat.. then he said he moved. so i asked him
where his seat was.. coz probably i wouldnt mind to exchange with him. then.. he said the seat
in front of mine.. and i was confused.. then.. anyway i said it doesnt matter, let me ask the flight attentent.
then.. yea.. when i was talking with her.. then.. he switched back to his seat, he was just next to me.
i cant understand how come the ppl can just switch the seat without letting other ppl know about that?
you dont have to ask me if i wanted to exchange with you or not, you just simply took mine and hoped
that i wouldnt say a word? ARE YOU INSANE?

sigh. i was sleeping and always falling asleep.. so yea.. every onceawhile got waken by the mother
not the baby.. omg.. and then some other noisy chinese. i'm so ashame sometimes.. it's like..
OH COME ON. now i understand why the ppl call us "Hongers." but i do wish ppl can recgonize the
difference with the HK ppl and the Mainland Chinese who speaks Cantonese. it could be the HUGE DIFFERENCE.
well.. i find Chinese ppl could be really rude and disrespectful to others. and i'm so sorry to say that..
probably coz of the cultural difference. i didnt find that before, not coz i'm acting the same with them,
but maybe like what Stephen said... coz i'm living in HK. i'm kind of used to it. here got so many many
mainland chinese and "hongers" as well. i'm happy i'm not so rude compared to the others...
well mayb i am in otehrs eyes.. i hope i am not anyway.
then.. yea.. back to HK.. waiting for the baggage.. the ppl were all stuck at there.. it's kindda hard to
stay there get the space to take my baggage. i dont understand. why dont ppl just step back a bit..
while you can see your baggage coming, you still have the time and space to grap yours. but while
you are all blocking in front of the transmission, you just wouldnt have the space to grap yours while
you might need some space to move or anything. sigh. whatever.

i saw my family waiting for me.. hummm... it's the strange feelings. i was a bit cranky.
hummmm i didnt like my sisters waving so big... i knew she's excited to see me.. my mom as well..
i was like.. omg... no one did the same. so yea.. i was happy to see them but i was really really tired..
and i was cranky.. then ... my arms and my shoulders are pain.. now it's still pain and sore..
then yea.. my feet are a bit swallon.. i wasnt feeling well. then we had dinner after back to Tai Po..
dad's driving.. then mom asked about my bus trip to the airport.. i was a bit cranky and i just didnt
wanna talk about anything. then... yea... i found my family are actually very nice to me.. but... at the
same time... my parents are the noisy ppl as well.. and my sisters could be as irretating as well..
suddenly i just got a huge headache.. and.. they're my family. they're the ppl no matter what, would
still stand on my side, protect me, take care of me. i'm not saying it's good or bad.. but... it's always
better to be loved and cared.

in Canada, i'm pretty independent.. maybe Stephen doesnt think so... but i dont know why if he doesnt
think so.. anyway yea.. i take care of myself... everything... well Lisa and Denis cooked for me coz
they cooked for themselves as well, right? if they dont cook, i could cook for myself too. it's no big deal.
when i'm home.. mom would take care lots of things for me.. i dont need to clean, dont need to do the
washing, dont need to make lunch or breakfast if i dont want to.. but then yea... i lost some freedom
and space. hummmm yea..


now i'm going to make some tea and breakfast. i'm hungry..
i miss Stephen, i miss Cyn, Lisa, Denis, Kiana, Louisa.. i miss JOy and Phil.. i miss the ppl there..
i miss the freedom and the wonderful sun shine there.. i miss the space i have there, i miss Vancouver.
i'm still... feeling like... dreaming.. when i sleep.. i wonder if i had been to Van.. when i wake up...
i would see myself in bed.. then i wonder how long i've been back home? how long i've left Van..

>>June 26, 2008 at 1:49:58 AM GMT+8

2008 年 6 月 22 日 星期日 【晴】

i'm leaving home in ard... 45 mins.

hummm yesterday was my last day..
the day before, Cyn, Louisa, Kiana came over my home to have a small bbq dinner with me..
well, we had fun. then Kiana stayed over to help me packing stuff. we didnt sleep..
so crazy of us.. and so i'm so sleepy yesterday.

we eventually headed to Denny's for breakfast. it was very full.
hummm after that, we went back home.. i took a shower, tidy up a bit..
then.... yea... Cyn and Eddie came pick me up. Louisa and we had dim sum together. i didnt really eat.
i was full. then i wanted to go seeing Stephen, so... Louisa drove me to Steveston.

i stayed there for awhile only. didnt wanna stay too long. coz i knew i would end up crying too much.
so, yea.. i saw him... saying bye.... and... talked with him a bit... i was emotional.. i got tears in my eyes.
then... yea... we hugged... he wanted me to be independent, relax and dont worry too much. it could
means different things to different ppl. after meeting him... Louisa drove to meet Cyn and Eddie ...
coz they were at T&T.. so yea.. then... i started crying.. i think i have cried for more than 1.5 hrs..
which was very loud and.. uncontrolable... crazy one. i was like... so terrible.
Louisa drove to Blenz Coffee at Landsdone.. then.. she bought me a hot chocolate, well... dark chocolate
with soya milk. then yea... i was in car crying, i didnt really drink. she kept giving me tissue..
so yea.. she explaint alot of things to me.. then i said i wanted to go home.. then she drove me back
home. i talked with Lisa... and i rested a bit.... dinner... then went over Joy's place to say bye and
take a few pics...

i'm coming back in late Aug. in between these few months, i would need to calm down, and move on.
i'm not going to do anything stupid or meaningless to myself. i just want the peace of mind.
i just wanna be happy. Castor... you decided to come over, and you think you would be able to see
lots of things and you do. so, now... it's just... fair enough.

i would miss here so much.. i will miss different ppl here... and the good time as well...
i do have my life in HK, and... no matter how tough life it is, it's still my life, and i will live it.
i will get back to work in July, and i will contact school soon... then start to plan stuff on my own.

okay...
i gotta finish my toast and tea.... then... finish my packing.. then leaving in 30 mins..
omg. i need to take 98 B-Line, then wait for the 424. then i need to check in... and wait... and get board.
it would be so freaking tiring and lonely. i wish i could have some ppl to be there with me... which is..
quite impossible. and maybe that's what Stephen said to me about being independent.. i cried like crap,
and i dont want myself crying like that today. anyway... i'm going back to HK... see you there, Cas.

everything is so real, so great. thank you.

>>June 23, 2008 at 3:46:55 PM GMT+8

2008 年 6 月 21 日 星期六 【晴】

hello.

today is Saturday... i am leaving on Monday.
time flies. this long vacation is ending so soon.
well, i changed my flight, so... it was my choice.

i feel sad leaving, i love here. it's very interesting, coz at first when i came, i was struggling if i should
go back HK earlier in stead of staying here very unhappily. i wanted to stay coz i still have lots of
stuffs i wanna do here, and i wanna spend time with my friends. and so, i stay.
it's like... seeing how things go..

then... after moving out... i am feeling better, well the first few days were kindda tough but fine..
Lisa, Denis, Joy, and Phil are very nice to me, and we had good time together. and so i was getting
betterpretty soon. i meet my friends, i hang out with them and by myself. do what i wanna do, then...
i just sms honey to see if he still would like to meet up. so, we are in touch, we met up sometimes..
and... i still love him much. my bday and his bday were both gone. we didnt do much things but they
were okay. like... i think most importantly is that we have spent time together. i am not happy at the
certian time, coz it's like.... i am leaving and... i think there are something we can do, but it's always
so difficult. is it my problem? i dont think so. am i not understanding enough? no... i dont think so..
i do understand, coz i'm one of the super busy type of person in HK. if my friends and i wanna hang
out, usually it's like... we gotta plan and arrange time just for an afternoon of my free time.

i'm so easily tired... so i avoid all the exciting activity... hanging out with me usually is just... hanging
around, chatting, eatting, and sitting... or else we got some comon goal or target to do something
together. so... yea... i'm some busy boring person as well. and i am always tired.. something different
is... i am me and i am no anybody. i cant totally understand another person's thinking. there is some
common points i can understand and agree on, to accept, but it doesnt mean that i am totally happy
to stick with the same situation forever. it's impossible unless there is some changes going on.

it's so easy to say but very hard to do... i didnt really try hard to make time for my family or friends as
well. it's like... everything was so stressful... you know... i care about my study and work a lot...
i focus a lot.. everyday got a list of work i should do, and i always just cant finish them. like my paper
assignments, i always finish them at my last min.. not coz i'm lazy... but i just couldnt have enough
time or energy to get them done a day before deadline. suprisingly... they were pretty fine all the time.
i do put lots of efforts in my school work and office. it was very difficult too, but i survived.
so everyday was just like the mess.. i rushed to do this and that... i got my happiness though..
i was satisfied when i saw my hard work was appreciated. like... i put lots of efforts to do something
and ppl would agree on that. i do learn lots of things in the process. i find things very interesting
in life.
my work was okay... i was always mad at different thigns with different ppl... esp Ella. haha..
it was just tough, but i survived. and here i come to Canada again just so as to spend time with him.
i do understand we all have our own life going on... and even with my friends.. we are all different
individual animals. so i dont blame ppl being busy so got not much time to hang out. but what is your
piority? maybe i'm still young, so i put many many things and ppl before myself. i dont think i am stupid.
i am difinitely not some stupid girl. i put others before myself or work, when the situation becomes very
important to myself and others. i cant be selfish. it's kindda like my own prinicipal.

anyway... i am leaving soon.. all i wanna do is just to spend more time with him.. but it seems not quite
possible... coz he is just too busy. it hurts me. it does. coz i'm fucking leaving. i cant wait for another
week. i'm going back.

i miss him, and i'm sure i would miss him so fucking much.
the every moment we have spent together.. i'm just... now i'm crying again.
i hate you crying like this castor..
look at the remark on my neck... it was his kiss.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


yesterday... i met up Cyn... i was downtown doing some shopping for mom..
i wanna buy her something.. she wants me to get her some cookies, but i couldnt get to that bakery
in Richmond coz it's so inconvienient to get there whithout a car. and i was so happy to see a very
beautiful necklace from Sears. it wasnt on sale, but pretty good price.. so i just got it for mom.
i always buy her earrings on her birthday and christmas time.. and.. i seldom buy her necklace..
so i just bought one yesterday. i think it would look so good on her.

honey's birthday gifts were the Runts, the after shave cream from The Boday shop, and a Bailey Cream
cake from the bakery in Steveston Village. i dont get him much snack when i was in his house..
coz i want him to have a better diet.. so yea.. the last time i got him gummy bears was the time i went
to Capers? some organic super market. i got him some organic gummy bears.. and yea.. i do remember
Runts was one of his fav candy.. so i got him a big pack of it from the candy store downtown.
and then.. i remember he told me about shaving and stuffs, so.. i went checking out The Body Shop
here.. and they are doing some final sale and stuffs.. then i tried different fav of them.. i think the one
i bought him was not the best for him, coz they do have something that's called Post-shave something
that contains vitamin E and B5. i didnt get that one, coz i dont know if he would like to use The Body
Shop products. so i just get him the limited edition one, coz it was on final sale and he can just try
first. i do use a lot of products from The Body Shop.. like.... 80% of the personal product and make up
of mine are from there.. i am a big fan... i got my VIP card and big discount once awhile in HK..
but i just cant use it here Canada.. anyway yea... i hope he like the gift.. i really dont know what to get
him, so i just go down to earth. ha.. i think the gift is quite pratical and reasonable.. he likes them..
i see his smile. i am so glad that he likes them.

i met up Cyn.. had dinner with her.. i thought that we were going to meet Louisa as well... but she
cant come.. then... Moses and Jerremy had already bought stuffs for the party.. so... kindda like...
farewell party with poker.. Cyn felt bad not to go.. so we go together.. and i was so bored like hell
the first 2 hrs.. i dont play and i dont drink. so... i was just sitting and watching and... the guys were
so crazy.. then later on, more ppl came.. then.. the guys started getting drunk.. then.. it turned out
pretty funny, coz they were so crazy.. and then we got paired up into groups.. and i was with
Moses, the super bad luck drunk man. hahaha.. he was so funny... he was so drunk. he kept losing
and kept drinking. so funny. coz.. some guys drunk a lot but didnt went drunk.. so.. they were all
teasing him and getting him drink more. well they were good friends, so yea.. was funny..
then Cyn's Eddie came to pick us up and sent us home. good. hummm... i guess i would keep in touch
with these guys.. coz actually they're not that bad. i guess Jeremy has given up already. Ben was..
i dont know.. he chatted with me on line.. we got chatting for awhile. i dont wanna be mean..
then.. before i went off line, i just told him that i lied to him, coz i do have my phone number, but i didnt
feel right to give him after dancing, esp his girlfriend was there as well. it didnt sound right. then he
gave me his, he asked me to call him if i still want. i said thank him... but... i actually didnt save his
number. i dont think it's necessary.

the guys invited Cyn and i to go clubbing tonight... i told Cyn i am not going.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


No Air


Umbrella/ Cinderella


I'm looking for the one with the glass slipper
Baby girl wants to be your Cinderella

>>June 21, 2008 at 8:41:38 PM GMT+8

2008 年 6 月 17 日 星期二 【晴】

hey.

here now is....... 12 46 am. HAPPY BIRTHDAY to HONEY!
hahaha.. no.. he wouldnt hear that till tomorrow morning when i wake up.
i wanted to sms him at 12:00, but i wondered he might be sleeping. if i woke him up, he might hardly
fell asleep again. so... just tomorrow =)

the past few days were okay...

last Sunday... i was home till late afternoon.. we went out to find new chairs for the patio.. but we
didnt get any.. then Joy and Phil came over.. humm so yea... got some chatting at the patio. it was
sunny, yay. then i met Kiana downtown. the thing is... i waited for her for 1 hr 40 mins... omg..
she was busy, she told me she would be late, but i didnt know that she's that late. anyway.. i was
waiting at the Bubble ea place on Robson street... then.. we walked to English Bay.

hummm we had fun... long long walk... we saw some rock band performing on street.. we took a few
pics... then kept walking... then we stayed at Englsih Bay for ard 2 hrs.. just hanging around and took
pics.. and played... haha.. we competed on throwing stones on the beach.. like how far we can do.
haha... Kiana can throw very far.. she is strong. mine is just so so. hahaha.. we had fun... and we
saw a cute baby eatting sand while her mom was chatting with her friend. when her mom found out,
she was so angry. ha... the baby doesnt know what's going on though... then... we walked back to
Davir street... we had Korean food at my fav Korean resturant. then... yea... it was our small celebration
for my birthday. Kiana is very nice... then we hang ard the book store, coz she needs some art books.
yea... back home... and rest...

yesterday....
in the morning, i was chatting with Lisa.. well.. nowaday,... i cant wake up at 8 30 anymore.. i usually
wake up ard 9 40 or 10 am.. while Lisa also wake up... she will go to the living room, then.. i will hear
the tv and... some noise at the kitchen... then i would get up and greet her morning.. then i started to
boil water for my tea... and go wash up... then make breakfast, usually toast... then we would chat
a bit... reading newspaper sometimes, or watching tv... then she will go get ready for her class..
and shower and pack lunch .. then i would come tidy up my bed and check mails... after she's gone..
then i will shower and change... then i would do my facebook or watch movie... and plan my day...
then... i would put on make up and tidy up my room a bit.. then... make some easy lunch... and yea..
rest then take a walk to anywhere..

yesterday... after some discussion with Lisa... i decided to go to UBC to talk with someone in the
Psychology Department. i went there by bus... then yea.. talk with the lady, asked for the information..
then.. i had bubble tea there... quite nice... peaceful.. you know.. good to just sit and drink by myself
sometimes. coz.. it's like... when i was in HK, i was always busy, or it's always crowd.. so.. yea...
good to stay in peace with the wonderful weather. it was cool and sunny. then.. i took bus back to
Broadway, and Downtown... i got off on Robson street & Granville street. then i kept walking...
i walked down Robson then turned left and kept walking down to English Bay. yea i was alone..
it was a long walk with my tiny ipod. then.. i sit at there... watching the sea... so nice... i was there
for ard 1.5 hr.. then i walked back on Davie street, and i walked home through Granville Bridge.
it was a long long long walk.. and i loved it. when i got home i would soooo tired but good...
Denis was back home.. Lisa came back too.. then i told her about my walk.. and she said i probably
have walked more than 4 km. haha.. i dont know..

actually on the other day in China Town... i have done a little DNA or blood test, and i have registered
for the bone marrow donation. it's with the Bone Marrow Foundation world wide.. i got their flyer on
the street.. and so i think i might be able to help, why not just try.. then yea... so... if there's anyone
in the world who would need my bone marrow, then... the organization would contact me... if the
person is not in HK, then they are gonna buy me ticket and send me to that country to donate my blood
and bone marrow. i wonder if i would be that lucky to be able to save someone's life. i wouldnt mind
to help if i can.

i wanna keep myself healthy too.. i think i need to go on diet somehow coz i gain a lot these days..
haha.. hummmm yea....

then... today.. i just took a walk down to the end of West Broadway from home. it was good...
you know... today... NO MAKE UP. not even eye liner or mascara or... anything. just plain.. i feel good.
yea... and i passed by Tim Hortons.. i just got myself some cookies. yummy.
then walked back home and resting... watched a movie in my room... Forbiden Kingdom. Jacky Chan
and Jet Li. hummm it was not too bad... then yea.. had dinner.
omg.. Denis made huge burger. it was so tasty, but it was too big. it's even bigger than my hand.
it was as big as Lisa's hand, and Lisa's hand is a bit bigger than mine. so yea... it's huge.
it's fresh and so yummy. omg hahaha.. i ate the whole burger. i chose the smaller piece of meat but..
still very big. i love the veges too.. so fresh and crunchy. i love it.

so yea...
tomorrow honey would be busy at work. hummm... poor honey... but i dont know, maybe he enjoys it?
last Sunday.. hahaha.. i sms him... hummmm hee... it was a nice day and a hot day. haha.. i guess..
only he understands what i said. hahaha... yea.. we would meet on Thursday..
the thing is... i was a bit sad last night, coz i know this is the last week i am here, i am flying back to HK
next Mon. so... i start to miss him when i think about going back and start planing stuffs for myself..

i already know there're so much work at office that i need to catch up with and work on... and then..
i'm figuring out my paper... there are a few ideas i have on my mind, and also the methods on my mind..
so.. i'm considering on different things.. and thinking which topic i would go for and which ways might
work better... then i also think about my family.. and yea.. Hilary as well.. hummm...

alright... i think i need to sleep now.. i'm really really tired..
i wish honey a happy birthday.

>>June 18, 2008 at 9:11:09 AM GMT+8

2008 年 6 月 14 日 星期六 【晴】

Hi.

I AM OFFICIALLY 22 ! wah haha. not funny but... yea... =) i'm 22 now.

my birthday was not too bad. i actually have fun with honey even though we didnt do anything very
special. i do find that day meaningful. hummm... =)
i dont know.. i enjoy the conversation i have with him. i enjoy the time at his place. time flys..
he should get back to work... he was too tired... then... yea haha... end up we just had egg tarts.
but i didnt feel bad about my birthday, coz it was a special day for myself anyway, and i do find my
day was very meaningful. hummmm i know why... haha.. it's coz of him...
he didnt do much... but... i see... i see the real side of him... when he is honest and sincere telling me
what he thinks and what he does... i am so attracted to him. and besides... i dont know why... there
is the strong attraction between me and him.. and i cant explain. just the way when we are together,
it's not something super funny or exciting.. but... i dont know... it's just comfortable and indifferent..
well.. of course there's something i am not happy about, and at certain time, we have different points
of view.. but... it's like... when i... feel connected to him... i see the real him, and... it's just the
connection i dont usually have with ppl easily, especially with guys. i am not so touchy with guys..
well i am touchy with girls but not guys. but then with him... i dont know... i feel so comfortable.
it's kindda complicated.. coz.. of course i wanna celebrate... but i dont need to do a lot of things with
him to celebrate for my birthday.. then i'm already happy. isnt that crazy? well i guess.. as long as i can
see his efforts and he is sincere to me and our relationship, then i wont feel too bad. i dont need him to
do alot to impress me or to make me super high, well if he does i would be so grateful, but... yea..
he doesnt need to do a lot, but... with his heart... it's just like the chocolate melting in the mouth.
i think.. it's more important if two ppl both enjoy the time together than only one side has the benefits.
for me... the egg tarts could mean a lot, as long as we both have the great time together with the tarts.
and.. i enjoy alot in the conversation we have.. regarding everything that we have talked about..
i like his smile, coz that ensures me that he is happy, he got some cheerful times. i like when he opens
up to me, honest, sincere, and gentle. i like him when he is making efforts for us, and he is hard
working. i like him when... he believes in himself, he plans well and go for what he thinks it's right.
he's a man.

you know... when i'm in Vancouver here... i have sad time and great time with him.. when i'm going
back to HK.. i dont know for sure if things would go as fine. it's like... the situation is hard... if i am here,
i might be able to better handel things happening like now. but when i go back again... i m not sure if he
and i could handel it. it's like... me and him... would need to be very understanding for each others,
and gotta give in to this relationship, both side, not one side. so... it's probably a very difficult year.
i am coming back to Van in late August and i will stay for anotehr 10 dyas i guess.. but then... after
that, i am going back to HK to finish my research paper, and gotta decide on which way i am gonna
go since i'm graduating. so.... i dont know.... i would need him to be as nice to me when i go back..
otherwise.. i dont know if i am gonna be able to stay in this relationship. he is the man i love the most
in this world.. well... dad and him are the most important men in my life. so... i dont know...
i dont wanna make things sound so dramatic, coz in the reality, things are not usually that easy.

i find myself very lucky.. coz.. this time i come over... i have seen lots of different things, and i think...
i do learn a lot... from different people. i like them, i respect them, and i admire them... well... it's all about
the life experience.. and.. for my study as well. i got talking with lots of psychology major students,
and some psychology graduates as well from Lisa and Joy. so... i find things so amazing... and i am
very glad for the history lessons and end less discussion with Lisa almost everyday. i really do
appreciate the time i am having in her place.. even Denis has taught me lots of things.. and... it's very
amazing that i got lots of positive regard from them all, the non judgemental opinions and chances
for me to reconsider a lot of issues on different perspectives. i am surprised, and i am very happy.
it's like... i gain back a lot of respect from myself as well.. coz... i realize how beautiful i am inside and
outside. haha.. well.. thanks God. and really... thanks ppl keep telling me how attractive and smart i am..
even though i dont feel the same way, i do appreciate the compliments from different ppl...
Lisa, Denis, Phil, Joy, Louisa, Jeremy, Ben, Cyn, Todd... and i'm surprised. they're pretty much the ppl
i have met and talked to in here this time, except the psychology students in the conference, honey,
and some more strangers i have met in the club, libaray, and bookstore. that makes me really wonder
how attractive i actually am as a person who is typing my diary here. haha.. thanks.. really..

and.. i dont know... things are just amazing here. and like what i said to myself before i came...
i dont know what is gonna happen in my trip.. but no matter what.. i would be leaving Vancouver
happily, return home happily.

i think of the days before ... i was upset at the certain days, coz i didnt know what the hell was going
on, and i was so unhappy. i made my own decision, i paid and i moved out. the thing is... i start to
understand that.... actually... there are many things i can do for myself and i shouldnt wait for others
to decide for me. and now... i'm slowly picking up my broken parts of mind together, and i am going to
stay happy in my life. think about what i wanna do in my life, plan well on it, and go for it. hummm...
it's not like.... i am gonna be so happy forever after... but think about that... this is my life... there are
something i wanna do in my life, and how many years i have in my life? i dont know. so.. i am gonna
live a happy life or a sad life? a happy loved one. i need to be loved, and firstly by myself. coz no one
would love me in the way i do to myself. i think it's kind of weird to say but true that... i live... and so..
i love my life. it's not boring even though i am bored sometimes... coz i would always find something
interesting, or actually life is already full of different stories with emotions. i tagged something on my
pictures today earlier on Facebook... here is the thing....

"it's kindda funny when i look back to the last year and my last birthday. there are so many changes in
life. i see my growth, and our growth. humm i'm okay =) i learn alot, i am happy and satisfied. well,
there are so much i'm looking for in the future, and i am working hard and being patient in it. life is full of
fun, doubts, anger, surprise, laughs, and tears. it's always tough, but i am slowly learning how to live
my life happily. i live, and so i love my life. i dont know if he's lucky or unlucky with me, but hee... yea..
that's just us."

when i think of this way... i find my happiness in my life... i took time off to let myself have a long
vacation, so that i can give the chance for myself to see things differently. i can see some old friends,
i can see some new things, and most importantly.. i can see myself. well of course honey Stephen is
the main thing brings me back to Vancouver.. and without him, i wouldnt even have had the urge to come
back Vancouver this year. so... big hands for him, i do love him. and it's so funny.. coz he didnt do
any big things... and i am already here... haha... i know... some ppl would think i'm in sane... if the guy
doesnt work harder than you do in a relationship, you should leave. for me... it's more like... two ppl
stay in a relationship, and they share the life moments together. it should be fair for the both side to
take care of each others. if one side fail... the other side would suffer... and... if s/he keeps failing to
satisfy the other part... then the relationship probably couldnt last long. and it's always complicated,
coz one human being is already complicated enough, and now it's two. i dont wanna go too far
from here on my diary... but when i think about relationship issue... i really dont have a clear clue on
what is going on or what is gonna happen between me and him. it's life. as long as... he is sincere
to me, honest, passionate, be real to me, then.... i guess pretty much potential problems could be
solved between us, and we would still have a bright future to stay happy together. i'm serious..
i'm not a person who likes to date ppl, or i am not a very sociable person.. i dont need to go clubbing
every week or party every week so as to find fun. so... yea... honey got lots of... attractivness inside
him that drives me crazy. haha.. i dont know ! it's like some ppl might not like him but i love him.
he got lots of terrible things too, and.. ha.. i hate him too sometimes. it's like... when he is not being a
jeark, he is the cuttest person in the world. when he is being a jerk, i want to leave him asap. haha..
i think it's kind of bad that i write a lot about my relationship here... but... it's really my relationship
brings me back to Vancouver, and so here i have learnt so much in my life. how can i possibly dont
mention about my personal feelings toward honey and other ppl in my life?

here comes the terrible part... Benny Chew. the mother fucker. i hate myself being rude to ppl, and he
makes me so angry all the time. i have already finished my anger at him after i have done my reply to
him. he mesged back and talking another story. holly.. i really.... get angry at what he said. he just
tried to wash out his relsponsiblity again coz he read how angry and strong statement i made. i was
100% absolutely asertive to him in every single words that i am so sure for everything i have said to
him. i wasnt rude but 100% assertive, and he didnt like it. i guess he probably thought i attacked him
again by turning his friendship offer off. for me, i just replied one word this time and that's it : "whatever."
it's like... dude, so now you are changing your mind again. you were nice talking to me and offering the
friendship, and you had no ideas that i was gonna be that assertive to you about everything i felt and
saw. and so after you have read my words, you fucking change your attitude to me again. so what
now? you disagree with what i thought and felt and you pushed your own idealogy on me and our
past again? ha.. it only shows how stupid he was anyway. so what now.. he tried to become a nice
guy again just coz he is actually a nice guy? fuck off. look what you did and today if you are really
sincere to apologize and think you did wrong. you would take my words seriously and go home think
about what i said then shut up and leave me alone. if you did think you were being an ass to me, you
would have understood what i said and just leave me alone. he didnt. he talked back. he didnt really
understand, and he was pissed. ha.. for me it's like... WHAT? you did those shit and tell me now, and
i was sick of it then turned you down. and now you changed your mind again blaming me dont really
understand you? what a whole bunch of lies, and still pretending i'm offering you a "friendship."
want the peace with me and oh plz look at my wonderful life now with my future bride? fuck. i told him
i am not interested. and now he said the same to me coz i told him exaclty the same in my last reply.
haha.. for me.. it's like... he is still the same... so fucked up. and ... for me.. really... whatever.
i dont give a shit. i just want him to stay away. i am so proud of myself to be so brave saying everything
out, being so assertive to confront the fact with him. i wasnt mean to him. i was not. i actually gave
possitive feedback to thank him being brave to come clean. but... yea.. you know... the answer and
my reasoning were not his fav. haha.. well.. nevermind. i dont care. i am actually kind of happy to see
how pissed he is. coz i am sure he is not coming to talk to me again. if he ever talks to me again or
mesg me.. i am gonna ask Stephen to talk to him instead.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


these two days... yesterday... i took a long walk on Granville street.. didnt do much...
today.. i woke up late.. and i went to China Town by myself.. i walked to there from downtown..
took a walk, wanna see how big change there is.. coz.. Hilary is going to have a look at there,
so i gotta be there first to check out stuffs. then.. i met Cyn at Granville Island. we had a good time..
walking around.. take a few pics.. chatting a bit... then i came home for the bbq party. it's a small
party actually.. Jan and her daugther, and Todd came over. it's my first time to meet them... and..
they're Lisa and Denis's old friends. they moved from Ottawa so many years ago.. so yea...
i got to know these ppl.. and it was a bit boring at first.. coz they are all catching up with the old time
they had in Ottawa. but then... after Jan and her daugther left, Todd, Lisa, Denis, and i started to
chat inside instead of staying at the patio.. Phil was here too but he left.. so yea... Todd is the super
funny guy. he is almost 40, but he is the most funniest white guy i have seen. he's such a nice person
and full of interesting and funny experiences. he got so much silly and crazy stories in his life.
omg. but i am sorry for him at some points.. coz... too bad... shit happens.

omg i am going to sleep.. now it's 4 10 am..
i sms dad Happy Father Day and belated Birthday.

oh yea,... talk about birthday... ha.. no.. i gotta stop typing. next time.
one more thing... i love honey.. and... i wanna try my really best with him... and... i hope that... he would
do the same as in... he would keep trying his best for me and do let me know and show me. coz in this
way... i would know for sure that he is the one for me, and that he would complete me. things would
start to become much easier between us. coz... once we both realize and have the same consence
on our belief and we are willing to put efforts on it.. then we'll have the much higher chances to
sucess having a happy fulfilling life together. if not... hummmm as long as we are walking toward
the same goal, we both want a happy life together, oneday we are just gonna be there. if not... hummm
then we really need to think about what we actually want.

i talk too much..

>>June 15, 2008 at 11:24:33 AM GMT+8

2008 年 6 月 11 日 星期三 【晴】

"it's my bday tmr, and why you keep coming back to tell me shit.
you're suposed to apologize a few yrs ago not today."

i said that on my Facebook and MSN.
it's the biggest mesg i should post on a few years ago..

surpringly, Benny still contact me after all the conversation on Facebook before.. well.. maybe like what
he said, he didnt know he has sent that mesg to me... one thing for sure, i dont wanna be in contact
with him. so... i made myself clear to him that... i'm done with anything regarding him and do not reply.

here's the thing.... he replied and finally... told me the truth back to 2004 and 2005. the thing is....
when i read.. i cried like hell. not coz i still love him or miss him. NEVER. i'm so done.. what makes me
cry was... i got confused... it was the truth that makes me cry. i was planing to go to UBC today to do
some stuffs but end up i just sit at home and ... yea... it's... so terrible. if he has told me much earlier,
like in 2004 or 2005... that i think both we would have saved lots of terrible moments. at least for the
christ sake, i didnt have to deal with such whole bunch of lies and doubts... and you know the funniest
part is... he still blamed me for what i "had deserved". that really drives me nuts. today... he just told
me that he was actually engaged while we first met. i thought we got a third party and he had no guts
to tell me, that's why he suddenly changed and gave me so much excuses with the isloation and broke
up with me silently. holly shit, in fact... i have been the 3rd party right at the time i met him. he was...
somebody's finace... today.. he told me... i'm the perfect example of what a life long partner could be..
he didnt really apologize for all the lies and what he has done to me. he just explaint what had really
happened in brief and what the hell he had on his thought. and dare him still ask me to be a normal
friend with him and showed me his picture with her. i can see how sorry he is but he still hasnt
apologized. he talked about the misunderstandings and his feelings was true to me. he didnt lie about
the feelings he had to me. he said... telling the truth might not be able to save the friendship but he
would rather let me know the truth now. it's the only right thing he could do now.. and.. he wished he
could turn back to the past, so he could do so much things differently. after reading his reply...
i just dont know what to say.

i actually.. got his e-mail yesterday... from his msn space.. i replied... and... i canceled my membership
there, just coz like what i said.. i'm so done with anything regarding him. i forgot i got a membership at
his space so.. yea... just delete it and i asked him not to reply, i dont wanna be in contact with him.
yesterday... i was okay... i met Cynthia... then.. she said her friend was coming to pick her up to go
Richmond for dinner.. so i went out with her and we had a very fun time, a great day. 3 of us.

oh Castor...

i didnt sms honey about Benny... i dont think he is free to listen to me. i dont think he would take time
to see things from my side. he did. but this time... i think it's.... my own problem that i dont want him to
be involved. it's nothing to do with anyone but myself. and i dont know if he even cares anyway..

why Benny has to do it today but not a few years ago or after a few days? tomorrow is my birthday.
why the hell he has to bring all these shit back to 2008 today from 2004? you know what... i have
already forgiven him, i dont hate him anymore although i would never forgoten the pain and hurt that
was created at that time. i dont hate him as a person anymore.. but i couldnt deny that was the big
part in my life that i would not want to remind myself so many times in a while. you know.. .
i just dont wanna be in contact with this person who has caused such huge confusion in my life.
there's nothing i would do with this person, and there's absolutely nothing this person can do in my life
now. a friend? a normal friend? havent you figured that you would never be her friend when you have
chosen your way to hurt this 19 year-old girl in this damn way? and after 4 years, you got confronted,
and you still got no guts to tell the truth but blamed her for your choice to hurt her just coz of your little
desire? you said she's selfish but who is the selfish person by the way? after 4 years, when she said
she has nothing to do with you and plz stop contacting her, and now you told the truth coz you wanna
keep the friendship? how many chances you had when she was still trying to understand you and
your reasons? waiting and trying to recieve your damn message? you didnt give her but let her wait
to find out her on her own that you and her were finished silently? and she still got no clues what was
going on. she moved on and let go. you were back... she shut you down... you blamed her for what
happened was all on her own fault. how dare you... how dare you... she confronted you and you
blamed her instead of telling the truth. fine.. she didnt care, she belived in herself and she just left it.
now, you're back again... she made herself clear enough that she was hurted and she is done. she
doesnt wanna stay in contact, do not reply. and now.. you're back again finally telling the truth,
reasons, and wanna stay as a normal friend. you know what i didnt expect that... i'm actually the 3rd
party at all.. and i HATE ppl lying to me. dont you think that's the big thing for me now? to reharse
what had happened in that 2 years, and what happened after that 2 years and recently? why he has
to put me through all these shit again and again? and he was the one who wanted to lie and made all
the stories up and enjoying himself, right?! and today you put me on your news with your bride,
and you put me on the truth finally.. and try to want me to understand your situation before and now...
NOW, WHAT?! what do you want? a friendship?! my friends dont do that to me.

what do you expect me to do ? say... oh it's okay...? NO. HELL NO. DAMN YOU. FUCK YOU.
i dont hate him anymore, nothing i would like to do with him. dont even wanna bother to know anything
regarding him. it's nothing to me. but what he does today does upset me. not coz of him but the mess
created. i have let go of him since long ago honestly. and i have been letting go of whatever happened.
and i have been doing good. i dont need any friendhsip with him or with the past. i'm new, i'm fresh
everyday.

no friends do this shit on me.. if you do, you're not my friend.


on the other day... Lisa and i were discussing on so many different things..
she mentioned something about forgiving a person. i know i'm so forgiving. and i dont break my words
easily. i dont make easy promises. if ppl do wrongly but they apologize sincerely, i forgive. i hate ppl
lying to me. i could be a good liar but i also cant lie coz... when i lie i would tell the truth right afterward.
oterwise the guilt just kills me. i'm not easily get done with ppl, but when i say it's done, then it's done.

like yesterday.... Cyn and Fred came over my place.. so funny them... i was covering up for Cyn about
something. she said oh God Castor you 're setting thigns up for me. i knew exactly what to do and say.
i said yea Cyn now you put me through pain. i hate lying and now i'm guilty i feel so bad. i said.. i could
be a good liar. .. then she said i thought you said you're a sucky liar. i told her yes. coz everytime i lied,
i threw out the truth right afterward. but.. i was covering for her so... i feel so sorry in my heart that
i dont know if i have done something good or bad. but for her.. it was what i could and i would do as
a really close friend. i think.. she should solve her problems on her own, but i would defintely be there
for help if i could help. however, if any person asked about that, i would just ask him or her to talk with
her directly.

anyway.. we went to Peral Castle for dinner.. then... so crazy us.. we played game there.. blowing
jelly. hahahaha so silly but super funny. like a kid.. so crazy. we laughed so much.. then in the car...
i sang the Chinese National Theme song... then Cyn sang the Singaporean one. so funny..
and at my place.. i intriduced them to Lisa and Denis. haha.. then in my bedroom.. they took lots of pics..
it was so crazy of them though.. and.. we played UNO... so fun... crazy ppl with different rules..
hwy, i d never heard of their rules though.. then.. yea i kept showing Cyn my clothes from HK.. hahaha.
and end up i was silly dancing like the jumping rabit. and they were laughing. so funny..
then yea... i had fun. i feel so sorry for them but... yea.. whatever i can help, i would do it.

hummm now the HK time is exactly my Birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY Castor =)
Happy 22. hahahaha... i'm getting old hahahaha.. okay..

i'm not ready to reply BEnny and i dont even know what i'm going to say.. it's like.. dude.. why dont you
just let it be like... you were never there to care about how i felt what i thought.. why today you started
to bother about the truth could hurt me that bad and these and that? friendship? NO. My Friends Dont
Do That To Me. You're Supposed to Apologize a FEW YEARS AGO. Not Today.

i dont know if i should thank him to set me free... coz it used to be some unfinished business of mine.
well, seems like my trip to Cananda has helped me to resolved lots of issues, isnt it? i can proof more later on.
anyway.... without his help, i survived. i moved on and i let go. i stopped loving him as he wished and
he made me to. so.... i dont love him, i dont hate him, and i dont need him. the memorry is still with me,
they are part of my life, so i got nothing to do with them but smile a bit and cry a bit. i'm letting go.
i'm done. there's no such turning back for me anymore. he should have apologized since so long ago.
now... no matter if he does or not, it really doesnt matter, and he would not gain my respect afterall.

i'm a nice person, i still believe that. i'm not a mean bitch and i dont wanna be one.
i'm nice, but it doesnt mean that you can treat me as a doormat. if you do, i wont argue with you much,
coz i do believe that you know what you're doing. but if you keep doing this, cross my bottom line...
i think one day i would just walk away with my pride when i am done with you... not coz this is what
you deserve, but... somehow when you act like this, you are expecting this to happen and this is
what you want... you make this happened. it's a very strong statement of mine.. i am not a strong person...
but like what i said... if i'm done.. i am done.

i do love honey. i dont want this happens with me and honey. if it has to happen, it wont be the end of
the world even though it hurts so damn much for sure. coz i know i havent done anything wrong to
him or myself. i love him...

i think i'm going to meet Cyn soon.. she is making Singaprean food for me tonight. haha.. thanks..
tomorrow.. i would meet honey.. haha i would date him actually.. haha.. i wanna look pretty.. i wanna
be sexy... wanna be fresh... i wanna be a beautiful happy birthday girl...

>>June 12, 2008 at 12:05:40 AM GMT+8

2008 年 6 月 8 日 星期日 【晴】

hi.

that day, Lisa, Denis, and i went back to Steveston. they were picking fish for their parents.
they ship the fish back to Ottawa. hummmm then we went to the farm market to get fruits and vegetables.
haha. it was okay... sunny... yay... then... back home, we were at the patio... sitting under the sun,
have soda haha.. then Joy and Phil came over... then i was heading to the protests at the Art Gallery
in downtown. it was okay. got talk to some different ppl. i put the pics on Facebook with some simple
describtion. it was okay. i didnt stay long, so i went back home for dinner.. then.... yea...

Cyn texted me, she was about to leave home... so.. we met up at downtown. we planed to have a
drink or something since a few days ago. and so she could introduce me her "friend" and friends.
then... end up meeting up her friends and we went clubbing... hummm.... i havent been to these places
since... 2006. i only went clubbing like.... 3 or 4 times only back to the end of 2005... so bascially...
after meeting Stephen.. i dont go there anymore. then... that night... at first was okay... we lined up...
and paid and got checked... then... yea.. inside.. was okay. i saw lots of hot girls, Cyn said they looked
slutty which i dont disagree with. haha. then... the guy "friends" bought us drinks. i didnt really drink.
just one sip or two.. i hate my alergy, so i prefer sober. then we started dancing.. i was fine.. Cyn,
me, Jeremy, and Ben were together.. the 4 of us, and some other "friends" went to other places.. we
dont know where they go, not my business anyway. i only know Cyn and Jeremy that's it.
so.. yea... but then dancing.. and someone was behind me dancing with me... so i was dancing with
him, even though i dont know who the hell he is at that moment, till i glanced.. it was Ben.
okay, so it's not stranger. then we danced... the thing is.. it's only dancing so i didnt care too much
whther i was sexy enough or too much. i know exactly i was only dancing with the music and the
guy. but he started touching me. and i thought okay, it was just dancing.. like my waist.. it's okay..
but then later on, he moved upper... and he held my hip.. and he started reaching under my skirt and
my penties. i took his hand off. i think... if i didnt take his hand off, he s gonna touch my private place.
it's really close. fuck that. then he asked for my number. i told him i had no number. he asked again after
awhile. he asked 3 times. you know what.... if he is single i can understand he gets horny and he
wants to screw..... but damn, he just introduced us his girlfriend when we first met. his girlfriend was
inside too. why not just fuck your own girl? why hitting on your friend's friend? so stupid.
and the thing is.. i rejected him by such lame excuse and he didnt get it? he kept asking? so funny.
oh yea i know i'm sexy but i am not interested. sorry man. okay.. so... i didnt care much.. i dance with
Cyn.. Cyn didnt know he did that to me. nevermind.. then i am surprised about Jeremy though..
Jeremy was a bit weird to me before.. and so did that night. at first, i met him through Cyn... he was a
nice guy... but plainly just wanna make friend with me. he seemed more interested in Cyn. but then
after Cyn let him know about she is dating 2 guys non-seriously, things seemed changing a bit..
he started to talk to me more, and like... sweet talk.. haha.. what the hell... and he knows i am with
my boyfriend. and he said i wanna see your guy. i said.. oh yea we will see, coz he's very busy.
anyway... that night... he and Ben were both hitting on me, but hahaha... i dont think they knew each
others were actually doing the same. Jeremy said he would take some beautiful pics of me, i told him
i am not that beautiful at all. he said but you're gorgerous. i said nope, and i didnt know you could
sweet talk like that. then he said he was just telling the truth from his heart. hahaha.. oh yea right.
now i know what you're thinking. too bad i am not available and he's not my type anyway.
i wanted to go home after that... then... Cyn wanted to eat something and other guys wanted too..
so.. we just chill out a bit more.. then...... Jeremy and Mosses didnt drive.. so Cyn and her boyfrined
drove us to the Korean restuarnt.. then.. Ben came after sending his drunk girlfriend home. i didnt
expect myself seeing him again. it was a bit embarassing for me, but nevermind.. just be normal. so.. yea..
then he and Jeremy were so gentelment to me. i was like.. "haha" i knew what's going on now.
Ben asked if i needed a ride. i said i would go with Cyn, her boyfriend would send us home.. then
he kept saying but i live near to your place, more convienient for you and them. i kindly refused.
then he asked Cyn. Cyn said her boyfriend can drive me home. actually i have already told Cyn what
happened after we left the club. we were waiting for the car alone. so.. yea.. Cyn knew what happened.
she had no ideas Ben would do that. she and Ben were only buddy at school, not close. sigh anyway..
i didnt feel comfortable with those guys.. and... i think i have made things very obvious that i am not,
i am TOTALLY NOT interested in any of them. and after that i think i am not able to be friends with
anyone of those guys.. not even Jeremy. so... Cyn's boyfriend drove Jeremy and Mosses back to their
car, and sent me home afterward.

yesterday... i felt bad.. so i went to Cyn's home in the late afternoon.. i stayed there till 8 sth pm....
we were chatting, eating... watching tv... then played UNO. so funny haha.. we talked a lot about that
night, and i showed her how Ben touched me, where he went. and she was laughing. well... i knew
how rediculous it was. so.. i was laughing too.. coz it's funny.. Ben was behind me, and Jeremy was
infront of me.. and they didnt know each others were hitting on the same girl? or they knew? but its
very stupid, coz.. i'm a friend of their friend, right? but it could be very smart if they got lucky.. coz..
i'm not staying for a long time right? so probably if they want some easy sex, or a friend with benefits,
then i could be the hot stuff for them, right? however, i'm so sorry, i dont do such things. so... piss off.
i had a good time with Cyn yesterday.. so funny her.. but then... yea.. i hope she would be fine.

i dont know..... but Cyn and i both dont like the dating game.. like what i said... if you're not ready to be
in a relationship, dont start with a girl then throw out loads of BS. like... if you're not ready, say you're
not ready and dont screw. it's like.. if you're not ready, why you act like you're ready but keep saying
you're not ready? dont ask a girl to date you, dont sleep with her, dont tell her that you miss her or love
her, otherwise it's like torturing her. so what now? you date her, sleep with her, you miss her,
you care about her so much, and take care of her, but say you are not ready to be her boyfriend?
do guys have confusion with lust and love? or... sometimes, they dont even know if they are in love
or in lust?
things seem very complicated... like the weather. it's raining outside again.. so depressing..
i dont know if i should go out meeting Cyn later.. now it's like 4 pm.. hummmmm..

my bday is coming soon.....

>>June 9, 2008 at 11:06:21 PM GMT+8

2008 年 6 月 7 日 星期六 【晴】

Hey !

it's been a week since i moved out from honey's place.
it's been okay.. i rest a lot... calming down... taking things slow...
i cried on the first night when i moved over.. coz.. yea... dont quite use to things, the sudden change..
and honestly, i didnt expect myself would cry anyway.. i was thinking okay, Castor you're strong
enough this time to leave without tears, right? and i actually... didnt cry when i left. i was smiling saying
bye and hugging Ayako. and... yea.. i was a bit sad of course... but.. i didnt cry.
then when i got to Lisa's place, i settled down in my bed room.. then... all of the sudden... tears down.
it's so strange.. i cant explain. it just comes out. so weird... then i figured out i started to miss him.
omg. it was so terrible. it's like.. omg.. Castor you want to move out, do you remember? and... i just
miss him anyway.. probably coz... i was always there in the house.. even though i got nothing much
to do, i was still inside the house, at least seeing him a few time, some short while in a day right?
there's actually more reasons.. and.. i dont wanna say much here.

so.. yea...... that day, i didnt eat at home... i went out with Cyn and her guy friends. i need to breath...
otherwise i would just keep crying all night.. so i just left home... and... back home ard 10..
then........ hummmm i called Shan... she said i'm so silly.. she comforted me... these and that..
she's my best friend.. always. so... yea...on the way home, i called Kiana as well... then yea...
i slept very late... and the next day i just got up so freaking early like 6 am... and get going for the
conference. and i had a long great day there. i am actually going to write a short report... maybe...
you know... bring it back to school when i get back to HK. then yea.. on Sunday... Lisa, Denis, and
me went to down town Cosco and T&T so get some stuffs, and buying food... okay...

on Mon, i didnt do much.... Tue... also... i actually did the shopping at Downtown... i got everything
i need now.. but still need to shop something for Leggy and dad. i bought Miki and mom some little
things, which i am so happy about.. i actually paint my nails here, which i d never got time to do in HK.
you know how crazy life i have there. i actually got so many diff colors of the nail polish.. but i d never
actually opened them. i cant be bothered hahaha.. so.. i took time to paint my nails here... while
watching tv and movies after dinner. and you know what... omg... Lisa was my class teacher before.
and... almost every night, we got some interesting conversation, i mean as in discussions hummm..
so interesting listening to Lisa's point of view and Denis. it's just so easy to get in discusson with them..
movies, cultures, gay marriage, laws, lots of comparison in different perspectives to see things..
the us government syster, chinese government, fa lung kung here, candian history and government.
it's so interesting to stay in any conversation with them. i can get some much knowledge and new ideas.
i'm so... haha.. happy actually. it's not that i'm not happy to stay with other ppl. ppl know me well, i am
pretty okay with diff ppl. but just that they're the funny ppl and full of knowledge.. so... it's just like...
a learning camp for me, which i really love at the moment. and.. they know some friend, who is being
a school consellor here... they are gonna introduce me to her.. so that i could get more information and
discussion about psych. and then... yea...... Lisa got amazing books in my bedroom.. so... haha..
i could always easily learn something new with them. i am so happy about that.

so.... basically... every morning here, i wake up ard 9 sth.. not 8 30 anymore.. coz.. we always stay
up late ending up with some good discussion so... yea.. i woke up... wash up... made breakfast..
watching The View and Ellen, those tv shows.. then... tidy up bed and the room, then... dress up and
put on make up.. or have a quick shower... i got plenty of time to do these stuffs now.. then....
watch a movie or tv... they love movies, and here are sooooo many new movies which are not on
shown as well.. so.... yea.... then... i usually take a walk to downtown or Granveille Island..
just walking... quite relaxing.... then... yea.. back home ard 6 sth... then resting... watching Denis or
Lisa making dinner.. then we have dinner and movie or tv shows... then usually we are just so easily
got into discussion. and.. last night we talk a lot about psychology.. omg. haha.. they both always,
always make very strong argument.

on Thursday, i went back to Steveston.. i visited honey.. it was raining and so freaking cold. i was
almost frezzing.. i didnt bring any winter clothes.. so... that's the problem.. it was like 10 degrees ?
i dont know for sure.. but that's definitely the bloody winter in HK. so funny in HK, i wear coat and
scraft, this and that.. but on that day... i got my short sleves t shirt and a jummper only. hahaha..
but yea.. i got some cheap scraft from the Aldo outlet though.. i paid... $5 bucks ind tax, then i got
another pair of plastic shose for free. so yea.. SO CHEAP and COOL.

anyway..... i was there with honey.. i didnt expect he would give me much time.. but... we just spent
time together.. i love him. i really do. it's like.... i dont wanna write too much here, it's kind of my private
person feelings and experience with him... dont really wanna share them in the public. if anyone
reading on my website here.. haha... i'm so sorry.. haha.. unless you found my little secret diary book,
then you would be able to access to all the information there. HAHAHA which is IMPOSSIBLE. hahah.
so anyway... i left.. then back home...

you know what... i do appreciate his arrangement, and the time we have.

yesterday.. Fri... the sun finally comes out saying hi to me.. so.. i took a walk to Granville Island..
i bought some papaya and some children stuffs. humm yea.. pretty cool.. finally can wear shorts again.
then.. in the afternoon before heading there.. i just ... think of him a lot... and.. all of the sudden.. i just
burst into tears again... i was laying on the sofa... and.. no one's home.. so i just cry as loud as i could.
how long did i cry for?.... hummm... i dont know.. not long but not short.. i guess... it's like... no matter
you're my best friends or close friends or not.. i could tell you how i feel, but... you're not me...
and you're not with him, and you cant totally understand my situation right? and.. sometimes when i
dont even know what things are going on, how do you suppose to be able to understand me or can
tell me what to do? it's like.. thanks for the opinion and i love the concern of my friends.. i couldnt
love more about that... just that i dont know... how to explain... how much i love him... and... how much
i hate him at the same time. oh it's just so complicated. so.. i wouldnt want any other guys to come
upfront to complicate my life a little bit more. just that little more can piss me off from my life.

mom knows that i moved out.. and she is so protective.. like.. asking me tonz of questions.. like...
come on give me a break. i dont wanna tell her much about how things are going about me and him.
i know she concerns on us, but..... just... i would prefer they just leave it, which i know most of the
parents would not do. and... i dont blame them. and i just dont want them to worry for me, and i dont
want them to get involved too much.

anyway.........
there's a new friend i know from Cyn.. he's from HK as well.. Chinese Canadian. he's very nice to me.
i think he just wanna be a friend.. but... i can tell... if he is a bit... interested or just plainly want a
friendship. i think he's more lean to the first one.. coz... Louisa asked him and... then... the way he
spoke to me on msn kindda made me thinking if it's his nature to talk sweet. anyway, i am not interested
in him, even though he is a nice guy and i'm not single. we could only be friends. i dont want to do any
stupid things to hurt honey, dont want to hurt myself as well.

so... the coming week would be honey and my bday week. and... see what we can do.. =)
and yea.. i would need to go to UBC, definitely need to go there for Hilary and myself as well..
hummm i'm going to ask about the master degree programme for myself. and yea... i went to the
Vancouver Community College.. i asked about the TESOL programme... like the teaching courses..
they have the certificate and diploma programme. hummmm... i am also considering on it. so... yea..
see how things go... and... i dont know.. just need as much information at the moment.
and yea.. i'm still preparing for my research paper.. i got more ideas on my mind now.. and.. kindda like..
looking ard... searching for more.... need to elaborate more.. yea.. that's what i gotta do..

>>June 7, 2008 at 11:46:11 PM GMT+8