2008 年 4 月 10 日 星期四 【晴】

helloooo..

hummm we have a new aunt, or ppl call that maid in the office now..
she's quite nice. she comes cleaning almost everyday. i know Ella doesnt pay her much, should be
much lower than the standard.. she's still willing to come. so.. here i got a company at work in the
first hour of my shift in the morning =) she likes talking to me.. haha. she tells me so many stories
about this shopping mall.

last night, i got an offline mesg from my cousin Irean, she said...

天才五歲鋼琴小女孩
她沒有能看東西的眼睛，卻有在鋼琴鍵上隨心彈奏的能力
她被真正的父母遺棄，卻有非常愛惜她、沒有生育能力的養父母

神奪去你某種東西的時候，總會給予你另一種東西
即使祂把門關上，也總會為你留一扇窗.

it's so true.

and then actually the last afternoon, i got a reply mail from honey.

i watched Desperate Housewife last night.. oh no.. ha... Lynette finally spoke.
Tom was shock. and.. yea.. it was the terrible news. then Susan and Mike are finally engaged..
Eddie lied to Carlo.. Gab finds Victor is the wrong guy. and the coming episode would be the final in
this season. i am kindda looking forward to it. see how this dramma end..

>>April 11, 2008 at 4:59:46 AM GMT+8

2008 年 4 月 9 日 星期三 【晴】

hi.

i couldnt sleep last night.. got stomachache again.. i guess i slept ard 5 am..

yesterday i was free in the office till 5 pm, but then when Alex came..
he just made me soooo tired. he's just too naughty. i wondered where he got so much energy.
i really admire his mom, but i guess this kid is just.... not scared of anyone except the teachers in his
primary school. which made me a bit angry at him yesterday. i kept telling him the consquences if he
doesnt listen to me. but he behaved like challenging me. i dont know it was just a rough time..
then i left ard 8 sth pm.. he was late to leave. it was so un-efficient.

then i met Shan and Choi for dinner. we had Taiwanese food. it was a nice gathering..
we catch up lots, sharing fun storries, say some little gossip, nothing in the demeaning way..
i think i tried to avoid the office topic.. we can save it for the next time meet up at the office. haha.
then yea, girl talk, having rice and bubble tea... then.. Choi left earlier.. and it was actually interesting to
listen what Choi said about the police force team. it must be the fun experiences for him...
then... hummm i was happy to know Shan is doing fine =) so good for her.
then... yea, just wanna enjoy a night out with some close friends... even though just me and her...
it was fine. then we had dessert at some new spot ard our home... it was nice. it felt like...
the place is quite mordon and comfortable.. big projector screen on show, warm light, tall cecilling,
spacious and warm. i just had some jello. it was ok.

so we walked home.. then i rested and checked mails.. hummmm okayyy..

i saw honey's website. he's doing really good. i'm so happy for him as well. it's like he has a really big
progress on his work from the last year. i'm excited for him actually. i mean... i think he would suceed =)
he's really intelligent and smart, he's hard working, with patient and luck, he definitely would suceed.
i do wish him all the best. i really appreciate him, his work attitude is really possitive and great.. as in...
he's pretty honest, he's ambitious and countable. he always try to make things as his best. i think he
has much potential and he just need some chances and more hard work to achieve his goals and
fulfill his satisfaction at work. =) it's good for him.

>>April 10, 2008 at 5:16:16 AM GMT+8

2008 年 4 月 8 日 星期二 【晴】

hey..

i'm at the office today, quite free till 5pm... haha.
now it's 3 sthpm. i got an e-mail from the Kwantlen University that they will accept me in their conference.
humm i think i can go there.

i will have dinner with Shan tonight =) i'm happy to see her.
i have been reading lots of articles just now, mostly about psychology and relationship issues.
hummmmmmm... actually there are just many ppl in need, so many complicated cases..
good luck with my best wished.. i hope ppl would be fine..
i have read lots from the girl side and lots from the guys side.. quite interesting.

that makes me think about myself.
anyway, i'm easily tensed... and i am working on... how to live a more peacful life, as in i could be more
stable. yea.. and then... here i just wanna share an article... perhaps if anyone read my entry today,
they would have a chance to see wether they have met their great girl or if they're a great girlfriend.
haha i pick this among all those coz.. i'm a girl. and i'm happy that i should be able to be a great girlfriend.
but then of course i think honey can tell better and a more realistic answer than the article.

"See All Newsletters 10 Traits That Make You a Great Girlfriend" by AskMen.com

I must admit that playing the field is a whole lot of fun, but so is being in a serious relationship —
provided that it's with the right woman. But how do you know if she really is the right woman for you?
If she possesses the following 10 traits, you better hold on to her for dear life or, before you know it, a
guy who already knows where it's at will get his hands on your "goods."


10. She's independent

No one wants a girlfriend they have to baby-sit. Once in a while, like if she's had a rough day at work,
it's great to be her shoulder to cry on, but if she can't seem to function without you and is constantly
after you, she will eventually make you feel like you're suffocating, which is a surefire way to get you
running out the nearest exit.

On the other hand, if she has her very own personality and opinions, can stand on her own two feet ,
both financially and emotionally, and is able to enjoy time away from you — while still missing you, of
course — then she must be a great girlfriend.


9. She's intelligent

I hate to be the one to tell you this, but the bimbo routine gets real old, real fast. Instead of being the one
in total control, you'll find yourself trying to figure out what she's really thinking behind those glazed
eyes of hers — or if she's actually thinking at all.

An intelligent woman will constantly surprise you and keep you on your toes. She won't let you get
bored of her. Besides, it's nice to have something to talk about between all that chandelier-hanging sex.



8. She's sexual

While we're on the topic, a great girlfriend has to be sexually compatible with you. For instance, if
you're into S&M and she's more the "fluffy lingerie" type, that's a problem. The two of you have to be
on the same page — or, at least, she has to be willing to wear leather and use a whip from time to time.


Of course, this doesn't imply that she has to know all the right moves straight away; it simply means
that you and she have an undeniable attraction toward each other, and are able to communicate your
desires verbally (or with physical cues). It is important that you please each other in the bedroom, or
on top of the dryer — whatever the case may be.


7. She's beautiful

I know, this one is kind of obvious, but important nonetheless. A great girlfriend will not only want to
look good for you, but also for herself. She should always look her best and be well put together —
matching lingerie is a definite plus.

You have to be proud to have her on your arm and enjoy the sight of her in any light. And this doesn't
mean that she has to be a Heidi Klum clone. Remember that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so if
you think her full bottom or uncontrollable curls are beautiful, you're allowed.


6. She respects you

This is a biggie. Your woman must respect you. This means that she listens to you, even if she doesn't
necessarily agree with what you're saying. And, of course, she never tries to demean or belittle you
in any way, shape or form.

A great girlfriend won't ever cause scenes in public or in front of your friends and family, and will
always wait to discuss matters with you in private. If she respects you, chances are that she will
behave in a tactful and diplomatic manner in most situations, which is definitely a good thing.



5. She lets you be a man

Do not — I repeat — do not get involved with a woman who tries to get you to eat cottage cheese and
fruit for breakfast and insists that you give up poker night with the guys. You will end up resenting her
more than you can imagine. A good girlfriend lets you be a guy in all your glory, poker night and all. If
she's a great girlfriend, she'll even bring you and your buddies a couple of beers and make you some
of her famous sandwiches.

She has to understand that men and women are different and should allow you to be yourself. Just like
you wouldn't deprive her of going shopping with her best girlfriend, she shouldn't expect you to give
up the guys for her.


4. She's nagless

There is nothing worse than a nag! A great girlfriend knows this and chooses her battles wisely. She
knows when to speak up and when to let it slide. You don't want a girlfriend who will give you hell for
leaving a couple of dishes in the sink occasionally.

However, if you live together and you stay out all night without calling her, and she lets you have it,
then you're setting yourself up for disaster. This is a situation that nobody would let slide — not even a
great girlfriend.


3. She gets along with friends and family

A great girlfriend will not only help your mom in the kitchen, listen to your dad's stories and hang out
with your friends, but she will enjoy it. She'll make a real effort to get to know and love the most
important people in your life. And she won't try to get you to ditch your best buds.

She'll actually empathize with your brother's getting dumped and suggest that you guys take him out to
cheer him up. Not only that, but your friends won't roll their eyes and moan when you mention that
she'll be joining you guys when she gets off work (yes, women like this do exist).


2. She loves you

If you have found a woman who loves you for who you really are and not who you pretend or try to
be sometimes, you should definitely hang on to her. A woman who doesn't try to change you is hard to
find. Of course, all women have their slightly annoying habits that their mate has to contend with, but if
she really loves you, she will be able to cope with these.

Another way to know if she really loves you is by observing the way she looks at you and treats you
on an everyday basis. If the sight of you doesn't seem to faze her either way, and she doesn't really
seem to care about what you have to say, she's either playing very hard to get, or sees you as just
some guy. But if a surprise visit or phone call from you makes her light up, there's no denying that she
loves you.


1. She makes you want to be a better man

Stop making that face... any man who has a great girlfriend or wife will tell you that she makes him
want to be a better man. She doesn't have to say or do anything; it just is that way. If you suddenly
feel bad about how you treated your sister or find yourself trying to get your finances in order, you
might want to think about your motivation for doing so. It could be love.


Do you already have her?

So, if this list seems to describe your current flame, you, my friend, are styling. In fact, you are
probably the envy of all of your friends, even if they tease you for losing your status as "king player."


However, if the woman you are dating is more like the polar opposite, then I don't think that getting
serious with her would be in your best interest — but you knew that already, didn't you?

>>April 9, 2008 at 7:27:01 AM GMT+8

2008 年 4 月 7 日 星期一 【晴】

hi..

tomorrow i am getting back to work.

hummm i didnt go anywhere on Sunday, on Monday i just had lunch with my parents, then i went back
to the office... discuss on something with Shan.. hummm then... some kind of big accident happened
at the office.. then.. i stayed there till 8 sth pm.. walked home with her and Choi.

humm yea yesterday, i saw honey on line.. he talked with me about the problems.
i dont know. i'll see what i can do. checking the schedule of the flight again...

then.. i was quite angry at the office. the celling was leaking like raining. i heard it from the store room..
we were at the reception.. so.. yea i wondered what sound is that from the room.. so i open the door
and found it was raining. omg. i was shocked.. then.. haha.. i guess i just stood there for 5 sec just
panic abt what to do... then i grap a few boxes, pull over all the books from inside.. .then put
them inside the room to collect the water.. haha.. then Shan was helping, then i ran to the next shop,
and the next next shop to see if they had the same problems.. and yes.. there was one.
so. i called the management, asked them what's happening again.. then they sent a guy to check..
and found out the problem.. it was lucky that Choi was here as well.. so we three were trying to fix
the water, move the stuffs out. they got wet.. i was outside.. then... called the landlord, called Ella..
then Ella was back with Richard.. then.. it was just a dissaster.. then.. i was talking on phone with the
landlord, he's an asshole. the best of him is to shed his responsiblity to the others. i was so angry,
then i told him that it's not our fault, and it is just his responsiblitiy to fix it.. these and that... he started
yelling at me, and i was not afraid of him. he confronted me if that guy said this and that. i said yes
of course.. then he said he would talk... blah blah.. so stupid. obviously he lied to us, and what the hell
he thinks i believe in what he said?! screwed him finally he needs to pay. wasting my time and energy.
Ella was so pissed at him as well. sigh.

last night wasnt easy for me.. my stomach hurts all night. i didnt sleep well.. i kep waking.. then..
i just got up late... had dim sum with my parents, pretty cool. it's been long not having a long lunch time
that i could just eat and relax, dont need to rush to anywhere or back to work.

after that.. i just took a walk back to the office to check the room, and if everything 's okay. the guy
called on my cell this morning.. i said i would return him a call if anything goes wrong. but then yea,
it's fine. my mom asked me... if it's still my day off or not. Mon and Tue i still go back to the office.
yea, coz i wanna chat with Shan. anyway... i went to the super market.. got some food... then walked
home. resting, watching tv and a movie. cool. i calm down alot. and tmr i'm gonna do some more work.
i just sent my resume to the Korean Air. and then hopefully i would get the reply and the interview.

hummm.. in the dim sum place.. the resturant...
i saw Denis Cheung. yes, Denis. i was happy to see him, coz i havent seen him since ages.
and i used to wanna avoid him a bit. as some old friends, esp my old dudes or buddies in the old college,
they knew a little bit about what happened between me and Denis. i felt like played or used by him.
but then... yea i guess we were just too young, and i didnt handel well about our friendship, so..
anyway he hurted me. but fine. at that time i just didnt wanna talk with him or interact with him again.
he was quite mean to me after all the help i did for him. so.. yea. then... i was suprised that i see him
today, and he's studying in psychology in the Open University HK. his mom was nice. and.. yea..
we catch up a bit.. then... i still have him on my MSN. he said he 's gonna ask me for help on his study.
and yes, he msn me tonight. omg. he asked me if i can help on his assignment. of course i can..
but then when he started askng me the questions, then i was a bit irretated.. it's like.. why wou;d he
ask me such questions if he has read his own question sheet? and the topic is about his own interpertation.

so... he kept asking me to help him and asking me how to construct the structure of the essay...
i was a bit lost as well, as in... it's his assignment, i feel like he's pushing his work to me. so silly.
anyway.. i wish him good luck. if there's anything i can help, of course i will.. esp it's about psycho,
and i would like to see how other students work out in the other uni, right? so.. i was happy that we
would have chances to discuss on that or help each others on the assignment paper.. but....
actually... he's not asking for help, he just wants someone to write for him. i told him... if you dont
understand some theory or information, we can discuss on that, but he really gotta think of what
he's gonna write. he said if i dont help him then he will die. i said... if you copy my mind, then
you're cheating. was i mean? am i so bad? i dont know. but i really dont like the students who dont
think but want others to think for them. what's the brain for then? esp we're not the teens anymore..
in college, you gotta train your mind right? otherwise how you're gonna be professional in your field?
how countable you would be? i just hope he wuld understand... i'm so sorry. i just think everyone
would go through the same steps, being so confused on what to write.. but if he doesnt do his part
well, no one can actually help. so... i wish him good luck and i wish him hard working as well.
i think... for him i sound like a bitch who doesnt wanna help him but talk lots of shit. but.. actually...
i think if he doesnt change his ways, he would screw his study.

>>April 8, 2008 at 6:39:45 PM GMT+8

2008 年 4 月 5 日 星期六 【晴】

hi.

it's me again.

i woke up ard 1 pm.. i could sleep more, but i got up and watched CSI. okay.. just rested at home all day.
i dont really wanna go anywhere. i didnt meet aunt Pricilla. i just dont want to see her, i reschedule on
the next Sunday. i asked her if she has anything urgent or important to talk with me or just chi chat.
she said it doesnt matter, so we could meet next week.

when i was watching CSI today.. i thought of last night... when i was closing the office..
last night, when i left the office, i saw that crazy man again. he is always in the shopping mall actually.
we dont talk to him, and i just ignore him. at the old office, once he came in singing a love song to me,
and he left his photo for me, asked me to call him sometime. it freaked me out. i was so scared.
then.. after that time.. he doesnt really come bothering me.. and last night... i was closing the office..
he was sitting at the conner. he said "hi baby." then i looked at May and Ella. MAy was laughing at me
again. it's not funny i told her. Ella said, dont talk to him, otherwise he would think we're interested.
that man was yelling something i dont really listen to him. he got a company this time.. so.. we just
locked down the gate then left. he was singing again. crazy.
Ella was joking with me after that... hey, so Castor, that guy is back to you again. in case if your relationship
doesnt work out, you still have a back up. i was laughing hell no. i just wish him go away.
i didnt remember this untill i watched CSI this afternoon. i guess sometimes crimes happy by chances,
so many victims were not chosen to be the victims, but during some unpredictable bad situation or
some accident, murder happens. even though CSI is just some tv drama, not that realistic, sometimes
it's enough to remind me to becareful. yea...

here's a music video... 劉若英 - 後來
i heard this song in the ktv with Jackie in CNY. this story is about the girl and a boy. haha.. typical yea?
then they are very young, and then one day the girl died in the appartment where they always meet up at.
they were playing a game, and it was the accident that the girl fell off the building through the window,
while the boy heard some sound got distracted. then the girl became some gohst came back to the
place, looking for the memory of her death. she saw that boy, and he's still living in that age, i mean...
he didnt really move on even though he grew older... he still went back that building playing with himself.
i think this mtv is really sad.. but then the melody is quite nice.. the lyrics is meaningful. its Taiwanese,
not Cantonese. and it's an old song i guess? haha.. i dont know.. but Cantonese songs nowaday is
just not as nice as Taiwanese or Korean.. i think every Chinese would agree with that. anyway... it was
used to be a Japanese song. ppl take the melody and replace Chinese lyrics.



後來　我總算學會了　如何去愛
Afterall, i eventually have learnt how to love
可惜你　早已遠去　消失在人海
unfortunately, you re gone, you have already dissappeared in this world
後來　終於在眼淚中明白
afterall, i finally understand something in tears
有些人　一旦錯過就不再
some ppl, they would be just gone. if i have just let go, they wouldnt come back.

梔子花　白花瓣　落在我藍色百褶裙上
orange flower, white flower, they fell on my blue school skirt
愛你　你輕聲說
"i love you" you said.
我低下頭　聞見一陣芬芳
i could feel the flowers, it smells nice
那個永恆的夜晚　十七歲仲夏
on that summer night, which would last forever, i was 17
你吻我的那個夜晚
the night you kiss me
讓我往後的時光　每當有感嘆 總想起　當天的星光
it would make me think of the star of that late night, whenever i am sad or in the blue

那時候的愛情　為什麼就能那樣簡單
why love could be just so simple at that time?
而又是為什麼　人年少時 一定要讓深愛的人受傷
and then why is that... when ppl are young, they have to hurt their lover?
在這相似的深夜裡　你是否一樣
on the other nights, the similar late night, are you... same with me?
也在靜靜追悔感傷
same as sitting here regreting for what happened, being sad?
如果當時我們能　不那麼倔強
if we were not so angry at each others,
現在也　不那麼遺憾
then now, we wouldnt have to be so sad.

你都如何回憶我　帶著笑或是很沉默
no matter how you think of me, with smile or ... silently...
這些年來　有沒有人能讓你不寂寞
in these years, is there anyone who can erase your loneliness?

後來　我總算學會了　如何去愛
Afterall, i eventually have learnt how to love
可惜你　早已遠去　消失在人海
unfortunately, you re gone, you have already dissappeared in this world
後來　終於在眼淚中明白
afterall, i finally understand something in pain with tears
有些人　一旦錯過就不再
some ppl, they would be just gone. if i have just let go, they wouldnt be back.

後來　我總算學會了　如何去愛
Afterall, i eventually have learnt how to love
可惜你　早已遠去　消失在人海
unfortunately, you re gone, you have already dissappeared in this world
後來　終於在眼淚中明白
afterall, i finally understand something in pain with the tears
有些人　一旦錯過就不再
some ppl, they would be just gone. if i have just let go, they wont be back.

你都如何回憶我　帶著笑或是很沉默
no matter how you think of me, with smile or ... silently...
這些年來　有沒有人能讓你不寂寞
in these years, is there anyone who can erase your loneliness?

後來　我總算學會了　如何去愛
Afterall, i eventually have learnt how to love
可惜你　早已遠去　消失在人海
unfortunately, you re gone, you have already dissappeared in this world
後來　終於在眼淚中明白
afterall, i finally understand something in pain with tears
有些人　一旦錯過就不再
some ppl, they would be just gone. if i have just let go, they would be gone.


永遠不會再重來
it would never come back...
有一個男孩　愛著那個女孩
there's a boy, who has been loving the girl.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i'll try to upload some more pics on Facebook or here... the pics in Easter...
hummm..

today is... April 6. so... after one month, i would be in Vancouver again.
the fact is.. i know what brings me back there.

>>April 6, 2008 at 1:08:07 PM GMT+8

2008 年 4 月 4 日 星期五 【晴】

hi.

today i just worked... i tried to stop thinking about the conferences and the problems with aunt Pricilla.
everytime when i heard about her from mom or dad, or personally the call or mesg from her... then..
it just irreatated me..

then... i dont know... i tried to talk with Shan... about the problems i have.. we talked for awhile..
she was joining the 5D gathering. i didnt go. she didnt call back. i guess she must be so busy at church.
sometimes i find myself kind of weak or useless. it shouldnt be a big money, it should be a really great
chance to open up my view of child development study. there're not much undergraduates would be
as active about these kinds of conferences or workshops.. i really want that but i just cant.
i seat down and calulated again.. i really dont have extra money for that. not talking about extra money
but my income is just so less. i cut down lots on my expenses for months already... anyway...
you know... chances come and chances go... hopefully... i would have other chances coming along,
when i would be able to afford that, i would just go for that. it's just... a pity. i really want it but i just
cant have it.

sigh. i'm not happy, but i will be fine.

i called honey on that night ard 5 sth am? just before i went to bed.. lovely that he has picked up.
but it wasnt a good time to talk... then i called again when i was out in the afternoon, his night time.
i was very unstable recently. that night i only slept for 3 hrs... then got up in the early morning... went
out with my parents, got something to do.. and met some relatives.. i called when i was in that political
lunch time. i tried to... you know... tell honey about my problems and my feelings.. but.. i just couldnt.
yea i was nervous, i wasnt feeling well, i felt quite uncomfortable about everything happening..
i really need him, need his support.. i really hope to be in his arms soon. it's like... everything is about
bursting out from my mouth, it just stuck in there. i called him last night again, wanna leave him a voice
mesg that.. i am sorry that i wasnt quite able to tell him, even though i really do wanna share with him..
that's why i called, but i just couldnt speak. i just need him. thanks him that he was on line today..
he didnt really get my mesg last night, my voice was weak. so.. we talked a little bit on line today.

humm today... office is okay.. busy... got a new male teacher. he's a part time model, the exhance
student from the States, now studying in one of our local universities. he's more like a teacher than
the male teachers we had. he's quite nice, but he doesnt seem like the others flirtatious guys.
he's been here for the sec week. so far okay.. i dont really talk with him or the other new teachers..
i dont wanna be too nice to them.. i got enough from the past. so i just do my job with them, be friendly,
tat's it. no extra questions, no speical conversations. i am just a bit scared.

i dont mind making new friends, i'm pretty cool with different ppl. and.. it's one of my personality that..
makes me happy at work or school hee. i'm not very very sociable.. but i do give my heart to the ppl
ard.. so.. i dont usually get ppl angry at me.. and it's good.. at work.. the teachers like me.. the
kids like me... the parents like me.. they like come saying hello, talking with me about their kids at school or
home, tell me some little secret about themselves or some little gossip. kids would share their candies with me..
the teachers like chatting with me.. i'm quite happy.. i wish life could be as simple.. but actually our
world is not that simple, right?

Mendy came over... it's like i became one of her friends. she shared food with me,
when she make soup or juice, she shared with me. she said she wanna help me to do the manicare
for free. i might spell wrong but i know what it is.. some little painting on the fingernails.
she told me about the new center, i mean that new big competitor at the right next conner. then... humm
i was joking with her when she mentioned the receptionist there. i asked her if i am younger or she's
younger. then she said i am younger. haha.. she said actually here in this area, we got so many shops
around, and i am the prettiest, the hottest receptionist. i was laughing out loud. thanks ! such the good
compliment huh?! haha.. well she said the receptionist of that salon is good looking, but i do look better
than her. well thanks =)

when i came home.. i found that my coffee cup staint my white jacket. =(
i'm thinking how to remove that stiant from that... i love my jacket. it was new. yea it was new since
last summer though ... but i really gotta cut off the shopping.... i might not buy any outfit as often anymore..

anyway... Apple is organizing a gathering dinner for us, the classmates... as i said.. i dont think i am
important for them, coz i wasnt really always around them. i was busy in class and after class.
i dont chat in class, i dont socialize a lot in school. everytime i was just busy and rushy. they keep
inviting me and adjusting time for me... and the point is.. i am graduating... they wont see me that much
anymore at school... Karen and i meet up sometimes, we are kind of close at school before.. but...
i dont know.. i just really appreciate them. i think i will go with them... although i would be a bit late to
arrive after work.. i would try my best to get there for a coffee maybe. thanks these sweet girls.
they're so nice to me =) i love them. i know that i'm gonna miss them..

alright.. now it's 3 sth am.. i'm really tired and sleepy... i want some nice sleep...
i'm not happy actually.. coz of the conferences, the expenses, and.. the stress from aunt Pricilla...
i am just not happy.. but Jesus said... he has given us what we need, never too much or too less,
never too early or too late. trust in Him. i always do. and it always work. thanks God.

i am not happy but i wish my honey, my fmaily and friends are happy.
i really do. i see Ella's belly getting bigger and bigger.. i'm so excited for her =) it must be a lovely
experience being pregnant and having a baby.

anyway.. i really need to get to bed now... tiring sadness torturing me these days...
cas, you'll be fine. i know you will.

>>April 5, 2008 at 7:15:12 PM GMT+8

2008 年 4 月 3 日 星期四 【晴】

hi..

i cant sleep. now it's ard 5am..
got chatting with Alesja and Leon.
Leon? his name is Leon? ha.. i cant remember.. i just remember his chinese name was Kai Leong..
or something like that. he was in the joint school programme from singapore. he's coming to HK
in July.. and he's studying in NUS there. good for him.. studying in areospace.

i have been checking on the sites.. for the conferences.. i made a few calls to different department
in van.. hummmm.. i couldnt register as the student member, but associate member. that would cost
much more.. and now i give up on that. i am considering the one held in UBC instead.. it would still
be CAD 115. it would be more around my level, and they provide workshops instead of talks.
humm personally i am more interested in the bigger one.. but.. my budget is really limited.. and..
i have found one more, for the undergraduate research in psycho, and it is held by another university.
hummm this one is much cheaper, ard CAD 25- 30... well... i'm just thinking that i wont have that much
extra money, unless i need to give up on something, which is also hard. so.. i'm just thinking what i
should do next.. quite stressed... if i wana pursue my dreams, i really need to pay so much efforts..
humm.. i dont know.. it's just hard for me, and i dont wanna ask anyone for the money.

then... got discussed abit with dad about Hailey and the air ticket... it's confirmed..
i am really flying again in Aug. humm.. i will meet aunt Pricilla this Sun.. dont know if she's gonna talk
about business or just chi-chat. if it's not about business, i could be very nice and easy with friends..
if it's about business or benefits, then i gotta see who that is. i dont know why it has to be so complicated
, but it's just the way i gotta be to protect myself and the others. not necessary to be on gard, it's not
a war.. but just need to think critically and... you know... using my scientific mind to think, dont use
too much of the friendship talk or just dont be too compassionate.. right? i guess i am right.
i dont think it has to be very negative.. but... at the moment now, i'm just a bit tensed when she became
so pushy asking this and that and pushing me to do many things which's not on my schedule yet..

the thing is.. i have been planing and working on the information i have. there are so many unknown
and changes pending, and i cant give her the exact dates, i know she really wants the deal, but i dont
want to give her yet. not coz i hate her or anything personal, just the way i would deal with the other
agents. i hate ppl doing things behind me then turn ard telling me it has been like this and that on the
proceedure. for me it's like.. so are you in charged of everything or ? if you wanna deal with my dad,
then fine, go deal with him, but dont talk to me like i have already got your dad's approval. hey, here
i have my own plan, and if you dont listen then you cant work with me. i dont care how free you would
be in Van when we 'll go over. i do appreciate you're so helpful, but you're not gonna use my dad as
the tool to make things work in your way. i'm not letting you do this stupid thing. you could walk on this
way, but it's not my way. i just talk to her this afternoon. it was kind of tricky of what she said and did.
anyway.. i shouldnt write too much here. actually if she's not my dad's friend, i wouldnt be as nice
to her. it's weird.. we were close before.. but since she has lied to me so many times and she has done
so many hurtful things to me and my fmaily, i dont even know if i should trust this person as my friend.
maybe some normal friend only. i felt like betrated many times by her, and i dont know.. we're still in
contact just only coz she's older, and she's lonely. i liked her so much before, she was a great person,
when i was in Van... she helped me so much, she's like my second mom, but at the same time...
she has put me in some dangerous situations a few times, and she didnt really care much about me..
i did treat her as my close friend.. but once and once again she has been letting me down... i guess
only my dad has forgiven her.. i did too but.. i just couldnt trust her as much anymore. and that's why..
i gotta be... so protective and becareful.. i just cant bare the risk. i'm not working for my dad, but..
his boss, and somehow Hailey is my friend as well.. i just dont want things go wrong.
i'm so sorry for aunt Pricilla.. i do want her well, and that's another reason why we are in contact..
but this time, it's about the benefits of others, my dad's and my reputation.. i just cant put these at risk.

i tried calling honey.. i do need someone to talk with... not as in.... telling the whole story.. but i need
some opinion or... suport. i just wish that he could pick up the block id call..

5 33 am..
i gotta get up before 8 am .. i wanna try calling one more time.. then i would sleep..
good night cas. good luck on everything.

>>April 3, 2008 at 9:34:07 PM GMT+8

2008 年 4 月 2 日 星期三 【晴】

hi.

the night before, it was the black out. it was so dark so dark so horrible. i felt like i was a little girl...

last night, i couldnt log on to the internet, no.. actually i was on, but just couldnt open any websites
or msn. it was strange.. sigh... i was planing to do some work.. got lots to work on..

i have been following the stuffs for Hailey.. and i have been editing my resume. i have it done this
morning at office heehee.. then.. i have been checking on the ECEBC Conference in Van this May.
i just think that... i would stay in Van for 2 months, and i do wanna do some research, read a few
more books and reseach to prepare for my own after summer. so.. yea... joining this kind of professional
conference might help a little bit, and it might be good for my further study, in case i'm going to apply
for the master degree. there are so many sessions on those 3 days of conference. it would be held
in UBC and Best Western Richmond Hotel. quite nice, got the chance to hear the talk with so many
professionals there, most of them would be the educators, psychologist or any professionals related.
but i'm not the member there, and if i wanna attend to the conference, i gotta pay much more..
so i'm thinking to join, but my degree is not taken in Canada, so it might be quite difficult, esp i couldnt
reach the the professional standard yet. i would be in American Psychology Association automatically,
afer grad.. but not applicable for the whole North America.. so not in Canada. hopefully, i could apply
the student membership, and get that discount. i might only join 1 day and the pre-conference..
it would be quite expensive for me already.. but see how things go.. i was planing to call to their office
last night, but i didnt get the number.. so.. i would call tonight for more information. actually i wanted to
discuss more with Stephen.. but.. i dont know if i should call him.

then yea.. have been busy at the office too.. hummmm... just now got some more information from
Hailey.. just replied her a more detail one.. then later on, gotta search for a map, or actually still have
a few months to prepare for her, not in a hurry. just that need to deal with aunt Pricilla for the ticket
and the hotel reservation. dad has been helping lots and lots, but then i dont trust aunt Pricilla that
much anymore. i got the sense that.. she's too helpful, and usually it is not a good sign about her.
i dont know.. it might be... me over reacting.. but i dont wanna risk anything, esp it's not only about me..
its about Hailey and her family, and of course something related to my honey Stephen. so.. just wanna
be a bit more becareful. dont wanna get her involved too much.

i miss honey.. dont knwo how he's doing... sigh.

anyway.. gotta run to grap some food first.. the tea is not strong enough...
gotta rush back for work.

>>April 3, 2008 at 5:52:34 AM GMT+8

2008 年 3 月 31 日 星期一 【晴】

hi.

it's long not seeing me here, yea? haha.
humm in the past few days.. i dont remember since when...
there are quite lots happened in the office, and also in my rest days.

did lots of work at office, outside as well.. humm i mean some personal work.
Hailey should be moving to Van in Aug or Sep. it would be a really huge problem if finally UBC doesnt
admit her. so... ha... hope for the best, and she seems so sure. anyway... i had worked a bit on the
ticket thing, and talking with honey about the apartment... i just want things would work on track.

hummm i was very excited few days ago, coz Ella told me about the hiring in Korean Air.
heehee.. i was so crazy finding that post from newspaper.. then i was so happy... i started to think
about lots of things... then i decided to give a try. yea, under grad.
then... last night and today i just stay home editing my resume.. almost re-doing it...
the last time i revised that was quite long ago... and it was originially developed when i was in school
in Vancouver.. my teachers help me out to get that done.. and now, i'm almost re-doing it..
got lots to add up and errased.
actually i really wanna try one more time in Cathay Pacific.. but... just not now.. coz... i didnt expect
i would start looking for a long term job at the moment. so many things are pending.. and so....
i dont know. somehow Korean Air is hiring, and they seldom do this in HK, so.. its kindda like a bonus
chance for me. i'm gonna grap it ;) there's no loss or win in this bet.. so.. why not just give a try..
the only concern is... my avaliablitiy.. coz.. i'm leaving HK in May.. and i would be available after Sep
or even in Dec.. so.. that's my problem. and i dont know when they will have the interview in HK..
probably the end of April or in May. so... ha.. i dont know. just try out first. i might not even get the
chance for the interview, right?

at work, many changes i guess... Mendy came over more often now.. and then... we got some chatting..
it's okay.. she's nice.. and then.. some problems happening in the office now.. hummm.. some are small,
some are big.. and i dont know. just try our best i guess. and... i guess work life is like that, yea?
so... is that work comes first or friendship comes first? it's kind of blur. and... it's just... like what i said..
i hate this when i realize how complicated ppl ard me are. i know.. i know we all have different
stories. so... is that... work is only work? or work place could be like a family? i used to feel close with
Ella, but now... after a year or so... it's just different now. i guess ppl change, and i do change too.
like what i said.. i know that.. i couldnt be, i just couldnt be you know... faking shit? anyway.. i concern
on her.. just like a good friend would do. but sometimes coz she's me boss... i find it quite hard to deal
with her.

alright...

i rest more on my day off... i just uploaded mroe pics.. but should be more.. later on..
then i also watched tv more.. i love it.. then i worked on my resume.. i worked on the stuffs for Hailey..
i take care of some school stuff as well.. and then i went back to the office yesterday just so as to
tidy up a bit and discuss with Shan over some work.. hummm.. yea.. i love the movies i watched..
then nothing really much...

sometimes... there's some impulse of.... wanting something.. not craving... but... wanting...
you know what's that? i just wanna be in his arms.

suddenly.. i just feel like... 2 months is a bit long.. and then... when my friends mention about my bday
in June.. i just didnt realize oh yea.. June i wont be in HK.. then.. now i'm working on something for
Hailey, and i would fly back to Van in Aug and probably staying for 2 weeks.. and so... i would have
more time in Vancouver actually.. and then... i dont know... i hope that i dont have to think too much
or i dont need to worry too much.. come on.. i'm not a teen girl anymore seriously..
i'm not just fresh in my 20s', i'm heading 22 in a few months. i'm super young, but shouldnt be so...
girly girly 16y.o. i guess? there should be more i can and i should do... and then it's like...

since leaving the school...
i really feel like i have to be...more responsible on my work and everything of myself.
so... what i have started planing was great, it helps me getting the nicer start, and great, i just counted
that i have been gaining lots of exp in the past 5 years since high school grad.. i have been gaining
knowledge in school and in the working env. picking up diff skills and life lessons...
so.. i have been doing great.. and now.. it's the time to let them being more advance and helpful..
comparing to many many many ppl at my age, i shouldnt be ashame, i am not very prideful but...
i should be happy and confident of what i have been through, and see... i'll be one of the fresh grad,
and hopefully... to move on to the next stage of my life.. and also... giving some time to see if i really
should do the master degree, really to prepare working in psycholog in future... or actually i am not
so hot for that anymore?

i'm looking forward to seeing honey, yea.. 2 months is not short.. but not too long..
i just hope to spend some more time with him, i dont know if it's what he wishes.. he's just too busy.
i dont mean to suck up his time, but.. you know.. 2 months is good enough to be there for him, and get
some time to get together. i guess... life is not only about passion and love, there re lots of time we need
to focus more on other areas, so as to live our life fully or to make the biggest achievement we want
to have, or just simply be the person we want to be... especaily... when it's about to find someone to
spend the life time together.. it's not only about the romance and passion that could make me happy..
lots of time... it's something more, something else. i really hope that... he could be the one.. and i could
be his one.. so... it's really important for me to... you know... be there for him, and support him at the time
he needs.. i know i cant do much... but i'm willing to give as much for him... without asking anything in
return.. but.. at the same time... there's one thing important which is... when i love him... i'm not asking
anything but the same love to myself. coz before i love him, i'm already loving myself as well..
and i wanna love him as much as i love myself.


i love this song... "Stop and Stare"- One Republic..
i always listen to it when i was so busy doing my paper or studying for the exams.. it was my pal.
every term i got some different songs.. in the past year, i got a lot. haha.. and this is one of the good
ones.
when i was so lonely, stressed, deperate, tensed for everything.. this pal gave me some space to breath. thanks.
"oh, do you see what i see?, i've become what i cant be..
Stop and stare, I think I'm moving but I go nowhere.. Yeah I know that everyone gets scared..
But I've become what I can't be, oh... Stop and stare, You start to wonder why you're here not there..
And you'd give anything to get what's fair, but fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can you see what I see ...?"

nice.


OneRepublic Lyrics

>>April 1, 2008 at 10:30:46 AM GMT+8

2008 年 3 月 27 日 星期四 【晴】

hello.

today, i was very busy at work.
i was never free, not even my lunch time.
i wrote the letter to school... then i worked lots... i didnt have my lunch time..

anyway, Mendy came over... hummmmmm..... we started chatting...
and it's the first time i heard myself in the gossip. yea, i heard myself from Mendy.
i dont know where she heard about my relationship stuffs, and she heard that i am going to resign..
and... i didnt plan to resign that soon... and then... May heard the conversation of Shan and i before..
and so she told Medny. omg.. i dont like this.. Shan and i were not talking about the resign but something
else. May must heard something then helped spreading out. and for my relationship... i didnt tell Mendy
anything that detail... like... i just told her yea i'm going to visit my boyfriend, but i didnt tell her anything
specific... why would she ask me so many questions today? it's like... everybody know about
something about me now.. and... i'm quite sure it must be Ella... May doesnt know much, we only talk
about work and school only. Shan and i are best friend, and she wouldnt say anything behind me.
Ella's the one i would talk about personal things beside work, coz we were close before, and i would
let her know everything about the arrangement.. the thing is... i am not suprised about some gossip,
since it's just woman nature... and... only Shan and i are not married.. Shan is new. so... the three of
us have been working closely at work, and nothing really went wrong before.. at least not happening
on me. i'm quite careful with what i should talk about and what i shouldnt. i d never wrong on that..
but this time.... gossip happened on me, well i dont count about Joey and Leona. hummmm... =(
i know that Meny just concerns lots on me, like an aunt... i appreciate that but... i just find things strange.
she should hear the news from me, not from others.

sometimes i would wonder if i am a strong person or a weak person.
and i cant give a clear definition.
i'm so easy touched, i'm so nice too ppl, i dont fake them.. its just me... i'm so easy to laugh and cry..
i'm a serious person...
when things happened, i'm so easy tensed and get ready to fight... i dont give up on things easily,
i work out with plans, i usually suceed...
so.... am i a weak person or a strong person? does it matter? i think so...
coz... i see lots of ppl with strong characters... they live a happier life, and coz of the dominant
characteristic, their friends or lovers usually listen to them... no matter it's female or male..
and i dont understand, coz i personally see their friends and lovers suffer sometimes.. and it's what
i dont want my lover would be like suffering for me. they usually have hotter tamper, and... being
more.... unreasonable.. and stupid sometimes. so... i really dont like to hang out with such ppl for long
time. i used to be ard them, coz i think nevermind.. we're friends, so i could tolerate them..
but actually i slowly find that... i dont wanna be with them that much, coz.. the longer i be with them,
the longer i feel myself losing under them. and i really dont like that. so....
maybe that's what makes me so weak? but then when things come to... like.... work and study...
i'm one of the strongest in school. not all the time but most of the time... so... ha... i dont know.

but when i wanna be a bit colder or stronger... and if it's gonna hurt others... i might just change my mind...
its just the way it is... it's like i can actually see ... how painful i would be if i were them... unless...
it's life and death. coz i am fear of the regret. i am fear of... the hurtful thing.

i dont wanna lose my confident.. coz i know i am so beautiful.. i have a beatiful heart..
but sometimes.. life is so tough, so many unknown and fears is all around...
how can i stay on ground and take out my courage to stand for myself?
sometimes i just wanna burst into tears... but i cant... sometimes i wanna act strong, but i cant too.
sometimes i just wanna do something for myself. sometimes it's just too lonely, too hard to handel.
i heard a slang on the other day... it's called... TMTH... thats.. Too Much To Hendel.
cool, right?

my cousin e-mailed me just now.. she shared some stuffs with me..
it was a bit interesting.. see if i would have time to forward to friends tmr.
still have lots to do in office.. many work, many plans... many responsiblities... many questions and answers.

good night Cas.. you deserve some good sleep.

>>March 27, 2008 at 5:17:07 PM GMT+8