2008 年 11 月 2 日 星期日 【晴】

hi.

today... i woke up, got ready to leave home with mom.
we went to Ma On Shan to visit grandpa. he seems doing better now. then back to Tai Po..

met up with Shan. and i saw Hang. i remembered him.. he was my schoolmate, but i wasnt close to
him at all. i didnt even have chances to speak to him. i used to think he looks good. he's a shy person,
but i knew he's a nice guy but i just didnt get a chance to meet him anyway. so, good to see him again.
i know he has been in the same church with Shan. good for him. then Shan and i just got back to her
place and started preparing for her exam next Wed. it was a fun time at her home. silly us trying
different make up on. then i walked home.

i rested.. and i had dinner and watched tv.. i still couldnt relax myself.
i watched P.S. I Love You today on the internet. i havent finished my book, but this movie.
you know.. i love the book so much, coz the writer has the very beautiful describtion on every details.
in the movie, everything is great, especailly Holly was really giving good and natural expression.
i was touched by that guy Jerry as well. he is just.... thoughtful enough. it is a really difficult time in life
watching your loved one leaving you.. and so you're all alone again. it used to be someone so close
to you sleeping in the same bed, sharing the appartment and everyday. you have your own memorries
for everything. and you know.. he is just gone, not in this world anymore. and then one day when you
re still sticking at home for nothing but grief, a letter came. and there're hints from him.. just like he is
still around, you can still feel him there, guiding you what you should do, what you would forget to do..
and the thing is... he is helping you to get over him, in a very slowly way... it takes... 4 seasons to do
so.. and there has been lots of challenges which you dont know if you can get through all. and the
thing is... there's always the last sentence at the end of each letter... "P.S. I Love You."

"is your guest coming back? no. so you're on your own by yourself."
that reminds me... yes. i'm on my own by myself. i'm always on my own and by myself.
and you know what... it's not funny. ppl say you have all the freedom and space you need.
you can go have fun when the other wont even know. yea.. i could... but how would i do that...
so... Cas... you would rather be on your own by yourself then? but have you figured that...
not everyone would do the same.. and everyone would move on, just like your other friends...
they move on with their life, and thigns on this planet dont stop for you. when you have excessive
freedom and space, then you start to think where you belong to, who you are with now.

"no matter you're alone or not, you still need to walk ahead."
that happens... and so... sometimes... i do feel lonely. it's like... i'm doing everything i should do...
i'm doing whatever i can do... i try to live my life well and nicely.. i go shopping, i go to work, i spend
time with my girl friends and family, i go to school... i get myself busy and tired.. i do enjoy being alone..
but... i'm lonely.

i guess.. life is just like that... when you have something, you would want more.. maybe want sth a little
bit different from the others you use to have.. and... then.... without choices... the good part is taken
away for the God sake... so... what's left? i dont know. am i just too greedy? is that why i'm so alone?
why is it so hard to just find the right person to love you. find the one would really appreciate you
and love you as who you are. who would respect you and cherrish you as if there's no second
chance to live without you. there might not be the perfect one, but he would still try to be the perfect
one for you, coz he loves you and wants you to feel loved. and then... why when this person might
have already been there, the girls just dont realize that or... this person just has to go.. or they just
have missed each others. when it seems so perfect, the fact is... we all die one day. or we dont know
what happens tomorrow.. we only live once and life is too short... so.... how do ppl hook up with ppl
and how they leave? sometimes it's just sad.. coz... after all, you would just find that person is not
really in love with you at all. all he wants or she wants is just something about you, but not you.
that might not be cheating to you or anything, but you do feel like being taken for use only. and you
dont know who you are, or you know... but what is the point? when you're serious with someone
and that person is not. do you just walk away or... just stay? maybe some ppl is more easy on that..
but that wouldnt be me. coz i know it is not me.

Castor.. no matter you are alone or not, you still need to walk ahead..
i'm sure it's the same for anyone else. if you're a real independent person, then maybe it's time for you
to walk your life independently. coz.. with or without someone it would be still pretty the same.
you will still need to walk ahead. and... be who you are. you have to be strong and brave. i think..
you should open your eyes, and dont blind yourself with all the beautiful memorries. because.. sometimes
the past fools ppl. you think that's all true and real, but they dont last. and when you are still being nice
and sweet, ppl move on with differnt things. you should wake up and find your own direction.. not just
wait for the others to give you some hints. coz.. this is your life afterall. Cas... make yourself proud.

dont waste time on waiting for something unreal. the past is not coming back. it makes you who you
are.. but... the present is in your hand, and the future doesnt wait..

i saw lots of grad pic of my friends before.. i felt like it's always a big day. but now.. i'm waiting for my
graduation, i dont have much feelings yet, except i have been excited writing the speech. for me..
i dont feel like i'm the fresh grad at all. i feel like i'm old which is not true at all. i was supposed to grad
when i was ard 20- 21 y.o. and now i'm 22. i just dont feel like i'm a fresh grad. i'm not fresh but...
i'm just young. Cas... go for something you really want. go try something you really want to try..
do what would make yourself happy. do what you think you should do. dont stop yourself for anyone..
especially... when you know you dont really need to.

>>November 2, 2008 at 6:45:39 PM GMT+8

2008 年 10 月 31 日 星期五 【晴】

i'm not happy today..
i'm kinda like... couldnt wake up but still.. i got up to work.

i started my day very badly. there was a girl jumping to the bus stop which is the one precious of mine.
and these bus stops are like.. whitin 30 m in the same block. she saw i was there, and she just walked
to the precious one, so that she could get on the bus. and the thing is.. i was the one running out of
time rushing to work and i couldnt get on. becasue of her.

i took a taxi to work.. such a mess at the office. i was like looking for the schedule and other
things. i got new students this morning, and i dont know what the hell is going on... and Ella's stuffs are
on my desk, like.. so messy. i was kindda pissed off, but it's fine. i'm used to it. then she's back at 10 15.
then i found that she took the schedule home, and other things too. it's okay. anyway.. she was here
the whole morning, sitting at the front, doing the payroll. and then.. i dont know where she put those
are . and the thing is.. she always create mess to the others, and she is kindda bossy. i was really
mad today when she made such arrangement with the kids. it's only coz she doesnt wanan come back
to take that one hour make up class for that teacher who is back to the England. she decided to move
those 3 students in different classes even though she knows they want and need different things.
it's is so terrible i would say. how could she do that? it's totally unpfrofessional. like WTH? and i was
like.. OKAY. if you really want it, i could call and ask them. then i wrote to Carole about this arrangement
and she came out. and she asked why. i was gonna explain to her about how the arrangement could
possibly happen if she makes some adjustment, wgich i showed that i dont wish to, then Ella changed
her mind, saying to me that, NO. actually we dont have to change those students. and i was shocked.
wasnt it the damn idea from her? why she made things like my problem? i was really mad. she kept
talking, and i was thinking like... Bitch. i would never agree with what she does anyway. screw that.

she kept being bossy this morning, and i was thinking like Shut up. it does annoy me. and the parents
are talking loud, i really wanted to get out. she made mess, she didnt finish them and she left.
she is really really disorganized, and i'm really really upset about her non-sense and selfishness.
it's like.. she doesn realize things, she would rather just having her own convience than she would
forget the whole bloody world. Carole saw me quite upset today. she asked me to take things easy.
i guess she knows. i'm just so done today. it's like.. I Need to Breath!

she gives me my salary today. it just reminds me how stupid it is again. then i asked myself..
oh Cas.. how long would you let yourself still hanging ard this company?
i met Shan for lunch today. i just need to breath. i need frsh air. i dont wanna stick at the office with
so much unhappiness. then.. i left on time today. when i leave, i tell Carole that it's done for me this
week. i'm outtie. even Shan said we should leave together. what is this company for.. like... i dont know.
i have been trying and trying, and i've been working hard for her. but.. i feel so terrible. i think i would
have another job someday, soon maybe.

anyway.. back home resting and watch one of my fav show.. it just reminds me of Lisa and Denis in
Van.. we used to watch it every Wed and Thurs in dinner time. we would hold out plates, sitting in
front of the tv having dinner together, talking about the "So You Think You Can Dance". it was a funny
show. i miss the time i was there with them. they are awesome ppl.

so.. tomorrow i would just... take time off.. visit my grandpa, then meet up with Shan.. then...
i dont know.. on Mon, i m gaonna rest at home i guess... then on Tue, gotta go to school to practice
with Dr. Eicher.. he said he would buy me lunch. so nice of him..

i feel bad bitching about Ella here. she asked me to hold a party for her, be her party planner.
well.. i think it was weird of her to put all the stuffs together and celebrate the western suffs with
her western ppl in a chinese resturant, and still want some games or other things. i just think it's...
something unusal. and i dont know. i feel bad bitching about her, but i would rather doing it here than
spreading my anger around.

Rami wanna meet me tonight. i kindly rejected him. i just need to get home. it's really too much in this
week. i wanna rest and relax by myself or with some close ppl only.

and i dont know how's honey's halloween. was he good, did he have fun, how's work...
anyway.. he's like dissappeared.

ok. too much for this week already. i m done.

>>November 1, 2008 at 2:22:30 PM GMT+8

2008 年 10 月 30 日 星期四 【晴】

Halloween... very busy tiring day.

i woke up at 6 am.. made pasta for Miki. she cried yesterday. and i think.. i should help her.
i love cooking. i wanna be the expert of making pasta and dessert. hee. i wanna make food for my
future family, my husband and kids. after that.. i ate some of them.. tasted good. then i went back to
bed.. slept for another an hour and half... i was so sleepy.

killing mosquites this morning and afternoon till evening. i guess i have killed ard 50 today or more..
the kids freak out, Carole was so annoyed... sigh.. so do i...
this morning, when i got back to the office... i put my bag under the desk, then i saw like ard 8 to 10
were flying.. i was like EWWWW!!!!! then i moved the stuffs ard the desk, then i saw even more than
that.. maybe ard 20 flying out. i was like WTF! i ran... then.. yea i sprayed last night, so i dont
understand why we would have so many mosquitoes today. i was freak out too.. then i spray again,
but it seem didnt work.. i was so pissed off.. they kep flying back under my desk. i was so mad..
i just ran to the store to get a electronic bat to kill them. then i started chasing them for the whole day.

we all dressed up actually.. it was okay... had fun with the kids besides the mosquitoes.
i sent the speech to school.. and Dr. Eicher would see me next Tue. he said he would buy me lunch.
it's very nice of him. then yea... hummm ppl say i look pretty. haha thanks. i didnt take pics... Miki took
the camera. it's okay.

i called Ella.. she didnt pick up.. kept calling.. then she came back... she took everything out from the
store room, then she just left to buy some stuffs. when she came back, she left again. she said
she would come back.. okay. but then.... she didnt before 8 pm. sigh. then i just helped her to put the
things back to the store room! how could she just leave the mess and walk away?! sigh. i'm so tired.
i know Carole is so unsatisfied with her too. i dont know. i'm so tired.

Andrew doesnt want to come on Fri anymore. so.. tried to change his classes to Thurs.
it's not what a teacher should do. it's so irresponsible. so does Karen. she's a nice girl, but it's just too
improfessional. well Ella thinks that's fine, whatever than. i dont wanna argue with her. it's just so
stupid anyway. like yesterday, everyone knows the store would have been closed already by 7 pm.
it should be freaking closed at 6 or before 6. damn it she asked me to go buy a lock at 7 sth pm.
i told her it should be closed, she asked me to go check it. what's the problem with her? she is gonna
come down take the cash anyway! we have been losing money, and it's her problem if she doesnt
want to come pick up the money. and the thing is, you live freaking up stair that damn store and you
dont buy it yourself while you walk to the office, but sending me there to get one. i CANT understand
her at all. it doesnt make sense. she's coming to the office in 15 mins, why sending me to there?

sigh. i'm just so tired working here. i guess Carole knows that. she sees everything. and i do appreciate
her flowers and mesgs. it's good to work with her. everything is very organized. she's well prepared
in every classes. she's responsible. she is well experienced. she's just professional as a teacher.
i would never need to panic when i work with her. it's like.. i dont even need to help her much, but with
Ella.. you gotta be very careful, coz she needs you to help her to think and remind her stuffs. then she
would have lots of ideas and unrealistic arrangements. she wouldnt do it by herself, but asking you to
do it. i know she's my boss, but sometimes you would just get really pissed off while she is saying
something kindda non-sense or too selfish to the others. and she doesnt even understand what's the
world is going on. sometimes i'm just so mad. but.. SHE is THE BOSS. she's a nice friend.. but... boss..
no.. i love working here, but dont really like working as her personal assistent. she's just kindda like...
take adv on you. and it's so disgusting. coz the thing is it 's nt i dont know things wrong, i just dont say
anything coz it's just so meaningless. i dont know.. maybe i'm just too tired and too mad today.

i miss my honey. he seems very tired. is he stressed?

i had lunch myself today. i just need some time on my own.

>>October 31, 2008 at 4:47:39 PM GMT+8

2008 年 10 月 29 日 星期三 【晴】

busy.. tired doing my writing.

humm.. yes... i was kindda mad... stupid things keeps happening...
Ella and the teachers are driving me nuts. Carole is very nice.. she brought me flowers today.
so beautiful flowers, got purple roses this time. nice.

then yea.. honey seem very tired actually.. i wish i could be there for him..
i wish i could do something.

i'm lonely at the office sometimes.. and i've been working hard on my speech writing..
need to get it done by tmr. i have done already but still... wanna make it as perfect as i can right?

>>October 30, 2008 at 3:31:27 PM GMT+8

2008 年 10 月 28 日 星期二 【晴】

i think i am going to bed in 15 mins.

last night i went to bed early, but i couldnt sleep.. so i just read my book, did some revision.
this morning i woke up a bit late.. then i went to work with my coffee.. i worked on my speech this
morning and afternoon. i almost rewrite it actually. this time is better, but still too long. i wanna cut down
some parts.. i dont want it too long. now it could last for 10 mins, i want it as 8 mins only.

i worked today.. we lsot money in the office again. i dont know.
and then... yea Carole was very nice.. so was the cleaning lady. she's so nice.. i wonder why she
gives me goodies everyday! i out them all on the table today and i took a pic. hahah.. the thing is i ve
already eaten some of them..

i've talked with honey today.. i atcually thought of honey last night. if you ask me if i love him..
yes i do love him. if you ask me how i feel when i'm with him.. it's just... sweet and... hard to explain.
sometimes i do have concern and i try not to think too much. is it the most important thing in a
relationship is to be happy. or there's something more or as important?

>>October 30, 2008 at 2:27:35 PM GMT+8

2008 年 10 月 27 日 星期一 【晴】

hi.....
tired....

i eventually wrapped up the speech.. i have been editing on it.. even on the way to school...
i m not very satisfied with that actually. then i met Dr. Eicher today. he's nice. we talked alot..
he told me he might be my second reader in my senior project later. so we kindda discussed on that
as well. and we worked on the speech together, and i decided to re-do some parts of it. coz..
i just firgured out what kind of problem i have on my speech. it was funny and interesting already but
i think i should add something on and delete something, then to make it shorter.

hummm.. yesterday i had lunch with my sister Miki, then we watched the dogs in a pet shop..
we both like Puddle dogs. they're like the toy dog, very cute and small. i like them but i dont think i would
be a good pet keeper now, coz i'm too busy with my self, and i dont have space for the little doggie.
maybe it's nice to have a puddle, but... when i think about i have to take care of it well, then ... maybe
later ? i'm not so free actually. and i would want a cat more than a dog. i like black cat.

then i went to Starbucks, started reading lots of simples and writing outline for my speech..
then i saw Shan.. we talked a bit.. then she left and i drafted my outline.. back home then rested for a
while, and i watched a movie... "Disturbia". i wanted to watch it last year in Van actually but no i
didnt.. then yea... after that i started writing my speech.... i slept at 5 30 i guess? the night before i slept
at 5 sth.. i was on line, and i chatted with honey.

Jocelyn had talked with me... but she didnt mention about Evie anymore.. so i guess... i dont have to
worry much now.. such a big relief. i heard from honey about Evie. hummm.. i dont know why she
said that to him.. but.. as long as she's not creating problems for me or him then... that's okay... i'm so
sorry for her but.. i dont know..

today... Augustus mesged me on MSN. i didnt know he's married already. last time he and his girlfriend
came to HK. i was kindda pissed off. coz he was so bad.. like.. he wanted to know my shcedule so
that he could arrange to meet up. i was like who you think you are. why would i give you my schedule.
he said he would like to meet up, so we arranged the time, but then he changed his mind coz of some
stupid reasons, then he started to ask for my schedule. no. i didnt give him. yes, you're a guest of mine,
yes i should try to arrange time to meet up, but i'm damn busy as well. my world doesnt stop for your
visiting, right? i rather not to meet up if i have to follow your schedule and give up my own priority.
i hate ppl like that. then today he told me he is married. okay... if you treat me as a friend, but you dont
tell me your wedding.. then... what kind of friend we are? and now you tell me... your wife is coming
to HK, and dont know where to stay.. dont know for sure about the flight and the room reservation.
and with her kid as well? okay. he didnt tell me all these at first but like catching up only then suddenly
mentioned he has some concern today.. okay i guess... i get it. but forget it. i feel like he's just trying
to imply he needs help. if we're friends, i would offer help. but a friend like that.. i doubt it. i told him that
dont worry, now it's not the peak season, she should be able to get a room. if she's not sure about the
flight, she could call to ask. and usually the company she;s working with should be responsible for
that. she should talk with the company instead. he didnt reply me. i really dont like him now. i just feel
like.. he's friend with you if you can help him on something. he's very selfish. he used to like me.. but
i think i was right to not dating him.

today after meeting with Dr. Eicher.. i went to Mong Kok... i walked around.. i saw lots of slutty sexy
clothes. i didnt buy any.. clothes there are not expensive at all, and then the boots and shose are so
cheap as well. but i think the quality is kind of bad. lots of girls there are dressing up in that style, they
look pretty hot and sexy. well they're not pretty but sexy. i wonder how i would look like in those
style. i am sure i would look like some kind of slut. i did see some girls like that there, and i wonder
what they do usually. i would like to try different style, just wanna be pretty. i wanna dress up sexy,
but i dont want to over do it, coz i'm not very good in this kind of style.. so.. i guess if i wanna wear
those then i have to be careful to choose. so... that's why i havent got any yet. i need some advice.
and i wonder how cold i would feel in those super mini skirt. very inconvinient actually..
but i guess... being sexy isnt anything wrong right? just gotta be careful not to over do it, then it would
be fine and nice.

i'm so tired... school would probably starting next week or in 2 weeks. Cas.. are you ready?

time would tell everything. everything would be shown in time. i think i need more time.

i do love honey, and everything i have said and done to him are all real from the first day.
i have never changed. but sometimes... you dont know for sure about what the others are thinking...
or if they were the same. but Cas.. i know you do love him.. can you just try to focus on now and the
future in stead? what about the memorries then? were they real, or just dream?

>>October 28, 2008 at 12:41:36 PM GMT+8

2008 年 10 月 25 日 星期六 【晴】

i slept very late last night... i woke up like ard 1 pm..
then i came on line for awhile checking mails then went out with my parents.


Fergie Lyrics

maybe... it's time to be a big girl now.. i should stop crying... opening my eyes... then maybe i would be
afraid of the evil world.. to admit that actually this world isnt that beautiful. well... i used to think this
world isnt that ugly. ppl isnt that bad. but.. quite obviously i'm wrong. good ppl are not that much in the
world. i'm just too lucky to have so many nice ppl ard me.. love me so much treat me so nice..

if i keep being a sheep, maybe someday i would be eaten while i dont even realize it. but i wonder
why do i have to be the wolf.. if i dont wanna be a wolf... then who will i be? can i just be myself but
not living in the bubble? i am happy to be who i am.. but why... why things cant be more simple. guess
there's no answers. but i just wanna be myself. just wanna be who i am... this world is so big.. there
should be some place where i can fit in.


i wanna embrace myself. but when i say this, should i ask who am i?
i wanna be independent, which i'm doing pretty well now.. i wanna be confident... hummm i do have
faith and belif in myself, and i do embrace them, like wear them out. i wanna be sucessful, and i'm
working hard on that, just like everybody else. i'm ambitious even though i would think of my competitors,
but it doesnt mean i would back off.

i am a very girly girl at the same time.. i could have my own opinion, but i am not too agressive and i
would listen. i am very colourful, so does my personalty. i would rather being hurted than to hurt
others which is not very good sometimes. i dont have much pride... i think it's always better to do
something before showing off or anything.. and the thing is... what you are good at is actually nothing
much unless you make it useful and make it good for the others. i wanna be a good mom and a good
wife. i want a happy family, and i'm willing to do my best for everything in my life and for the others. i
just think i should live and love my life. while loving others i think i should learn to love myself first. not
as in... being selfish.. but... know when to do the right things for myself and for the others. i wanna be
a stay home mom but got a part time job. i wanna take care of my children and husband.. but at the
same time i wanna have a part time job or something to do aside.

i'm a pretty simple person... but i dont wanna be taken for granted. i dont like to be the boss at home,
but i would want the respect and balance. i like to be more fair.. as in.... you already know i'm putting
all my efforts and you have my everything... then can you be more sensitive to the one who would be
always on yourside.. coz i think i'm a very weird person.. i'm very loyal to ppl.. but if you push too hard
to cross my line then it would only make me hate you or whatever.

i wanna be sexy.. and i argee that there's certain undiscribable attraction from being sexy plus
confident together. i'm not that confident but i know i could be. but it has to be coming from my heart,
otherwise it's just fake.

i wanna be sweet and nice.. but if ppl usually were just taking you for granted, can you still be sweet
and nice like a sheep without even thinking? it's not about trust anymore. it's the reality that you're not
happy, then you cant pretend that you are happy then go fake a lovely smile. especially if it came from
your friends or some ppl you cared so much... it would just disappoints you even more. then... how
would you not being afraid? how can you just say yes to everything that you dont know for sure?
when you're threatened to do something you're scared about... would you still keep saying yes?
if you would... what's that? what's behind that "yes"? okay.. i get it... but would you fall a tear? and...
should you?

Cas.. i think you actually do know who you are.. and you know what you want..
you should be proud of yourself. dont be afraid. dont cry. coz.. you're a very special person.
and you know... everyone got their own business to worry about.. you're worried for the others
that is very nice of you, but that would make your life much more complicated too. so.. if ppl dont like
you care about them so much then just leave it. coz you're not born to take care of others business.
you can walk away if they dont want you or dont need you. coz you have your own world going on
too. i remember Karen told me not to be sad. coz i look beautiful while i smile..
embrace yourslef, coz that's you.

>>October 26, 2008 at 1:16:35 PM GMT+8

2008 年 10 月 24 日 星期五 【晴】

i'm still at the office, leaving in 20 mins perhaps.

i slept for ... ard 8 hrs last night... feeling a bit sick.
but i m heading to TST later to meet up with Dabbie and Priscilla.

i had lunch with Ella today.. just chi chatting. then i got mango tea from Starbucks.
it's nice to have it here now.

you know... i dont understand why loving someone is so complicated. when you re learning to take
care of yourself, you would still need to consider your love. then when you're being nice and sweet
to the others, they always want more. i'm so tired. while you're thinking if you're giving too less,
actually you find that you're giving even less to yourself.. but it's still not enough for the otehrs.
so all of the sudden, what you've learnt in years about loving yourself are just gonna be wiped out.
then you'll see actually the ppl you love might actually know you too well but they dont really know
what they have. but still... it's your choice to stay or go. so... maybe there wont be balance at all, there
wont be fair or not. it's like the hardest way i've never seen before. so... now it's.... either running
away from the ppl you love so much or... keep going and blind myself. sometimes i ask myself
why not i'm not those barbie girls. why i am asking so many questions. not only about ppl, about work
as well. sometimes i just wanna run away.

alright... i need to get going now... brb.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

back home.
great night.
nice to see Dabbie here.. it's been such a long time havent been meeting up... all 3 together i mean..
so.. yea.... auntie Priscilla and auntie Dabbie and me.. at TST. not too crazy there compared to LKF.
it's nice... quite relaxing..

Carole is so nice.. thanks her so much... she's like... another person who understand me so much
at work.. of course Shan is on by my side always.. i'm so glad that Carole understands me at work..
like so many crazy parents i'm seeing everyday.. and how difficult thing Ella asked me trying to do..

alright. dont wanna think too much. just wanna rest well this weekend.

>>October 25, 2008 at 6:22:22 PM GMT+8

2008 年 10 月 23 日 星期四 【晴】

i m at the office right now..

i will try to type chinese.

i got a really bad sleep last night. i couldnt wake up this morning.
yesterday i bought a new bra, i was so happy for that. i was so tired and a bit stressed after work.
so i just wanna walk ard before going home, and i just bought it. nice.

then back home resting.. dinner... then i was on line..
i got a conversation with him. i was very unhappy. i cried in bed untill falling asleep.

this morning i went back to the office. and i got the mesg from Shan. she invited me to be her model
on her exam. i need to check my schedule. then we had lunch together. we talk alot. i mentioned to her
about being nice to ppl might actually hurt yourself. she said i have been too nice to ppl and it's not
good for me. i asked her how to be... 純良如鴿子, 靈巧像蛇... it's just very difficult for me.
she said maybe i have to be the sheep with the wolf skin covered. otherwise i would be eaten. haha.
she's so funny. i'm so glad that i have her as my best friend. coz.. when i'm sad... she would cheer me
up a bit.. and then she just knows me too well. i think of Cyn. i wonder how she is doing now, and Lisa,
and Louisa.

i wrote something on my MSN.. i said... 幾時都係有苦自己知.其他人唔明唔緊要．但自己一定唔可
以唔體諒自己．so... it's like... it's not that i dont wanna be understanding to others.. but i just gotta
take care of myself as well. not just keep saying yes to ppl while i'm crying on my own. i believe that
usually ppl dont understand your pain, you're the one who knows your pain the best. others dont
understand doesnt matter, but you really gotta understand yourself and be nice to yourself.
so for me... it's not that i'm not willing to step back, but if someone is pushing me too hard and if i am
accepting it, then i am telling the whole world that you can take me as whatever you want, just like a
doormat. but i'm not a doormat.

sometimes i hate myself being nice to ppl, coz some ppl would just take me for granted. it's exactly why
some women become so strong nowday. i read some articles last night.. it just makes me think. and i
watch the Cashmere Mafia. Mia was so right on her magazine cover issue. and i just dont understand
why the gender role is so difficult today. cant it be more fair actually? honestly, i'm so sick and tired of
all the bull shit already. i hate ppl lying to me, and if everything is just based on lies on the first day,
then can you tell me what was real what was lies in these years. if everything that ppl do is full of
personal intentions or purposes... can you tell me where is the real honesty and sincerety between
ppl? it just scares me. how could it be possible? something just shocked me.

and you know what... when i care about ppl so much, i find that the only one who got blamed would be me.
why's that?

auntie Dabbie is coming to HK tomorrow night. we would have a dinner together with aunite Priscilla.
good to see Dabbie. Karen got my post already. she seems happy there, i'm happy for her. then Carole
is so nice as well. another Karen, the teacher is really giving me a headache. i dont know..

the cleaner lady keeps giving me chocolate and candy haha.. she's so nice.. then the kids gave me
candies as well. =) hummm.. thanks.

then on Facebook.. the Mr. Grant is just...... being difficult to me. i dont really like him, coz he seems
being harsh to me on the discussion there. anyway.. it's just a discussion on a psychology topic. i dont
understand why he's being harsh to me. that topic is about "how to ignore." they have the huge
conversatikon trying to cover everything. i wrote what i think, then he became very... weird to me..
i guess it's quite obvious that i'm just an undergraduate, so i dont get it like why he is being so harsh on
what i wrote and it's like... okay... i replied to anotehr mesg there, then he asked me if i'm ignoring him.
then i said "good question, Grant."

i wonder can anyone just teach me how to be as nice and gentle as the sheep but as smart as the
snake... i dont know... i havent heard from Jocelyn today yet.. she added me on MSN instead. it's ok..
you know.. i just dont wanna be scared of Evie anymore. i'm so sick of her anyway. so.. worse comes
to the worsrt.. i would just stand up for myself this time. i am not backing off anymore. and to those
who have been taking adv on me or abusing my trust and love to them, i think i have enough from them.
if you think you can do whatever you want coz the ppl let you do that, it's just very naive of you. yes,
the ppl let you do that coz they love you, but if you keep pushing and pushing, that means you're just
selfish and wanna indulge yourself with the only little concern for the others. what makes you think you
deserve the love and respect then.

i dont know...

>>October 24, 2008 at 11:11:56 AM GMT+8

2008 年 10 月 22 日 星期三 【晴】

hey...

today.. i just couldnt wake up. dont understand why.
i had strong coffee this morning.. then i went to McDonalds to get hotcakes for breakfast.
i just craved for that. haha. so i had breakfast at the office, it was okay..

then.. i got working on the decoration. everything now is fixed. it's good. then i worked on some doc.
some schedule thing.. and then i just felt so tired. then i didnt really have lunch... didnt feel like to eat.
then i walked around, went to the bank. just need some fresh air. then i bought a movie vcd. then back
to the office and work. then Carole is back. we went to Starbucks together. i had anotehr cup of
coffee.. i'm just too tired. got a call from school. i am gonna meet a professor on Tue, talking about the
speech. then i also need to go to OIIE to take that transcript. and i really need to apply one from USU.
yea... back to the office again.. work.. and Ella's back.

i'm so tired. i got terrible dreams last night.. like... nightmares. i dreamt that i have killed someone at
school. i dreamt that i was late catching up a flight again. i had another one that i couldnt remember.
i got all these nightmares at the same night. so.. when i wake up this morning... i dont feel good at all,
and i'm soooooooo tired. i dont even wanna stand when i was washing up. i didnt wanna do my make
up, dont even wanna think of what to wear today. so.. i guess that's why i was craving for hotcake.
some stuffy food is needed for a bad day start.

then... yea... the whole morning while i was working, sometimes i just thought about Jocelyn and Evie.
for Jocelyn... maybe it's kindda fun to talk with Evie and see what she's gonna say about me. she dislike
her. i dont know. but for me... i have no ideas what she wants... and that just reminded me how bad
i felt, how terrible it was. it's no fun for me. i dont wanna tell Jocelyn to leave her alone coz... i'm afraid
that it would me look bitchy or guilty. but honestly... it wasnt any good thing to spread ard at all. i dont
think i did anything wrong but it's just enough troubles already. it's already... passed and.... has already
done so many... troumas. for me, i felt bad for her, but at the same time who can be so torlerrant about
something like that? there were many times i wanted to talk with her, to explain to her but i didnt. coz
i think it wasnt my responsiblty and... like... no matter what i was gonna say... it wouldnt have changed
much. i didnt even knwo what she really wanted me to do, like what her intension was. i was very
upset as well. i didnt know if i should be angry at her at all. and the main thing is.. i do wanna respect
honey. i do respect him. so... it's kindda like i really wanted to avoid her as in.. i was hurted actually but
i didnt really wanna confront her anymore. like... if i did, she would have lost face.. i think it's been too
much for everyone already, why adding more on that.. so.. i have been feeling very terrible for that..
like.. why not just let it go.. why not just leave it... why she has to contact my friends, why she has
to do so many things.. and even now.... she finds that i know Jocelyn and she has to ask her about me..
it just gives me a headache. i dont know what she's gonna tell her, i dont know what she wants.
honestly i am afraid. it does bother me.

honey asked me why she was talking to my cousin. i dont know. i guess i shouldnt care too much..
i try... and it's like... it passed already. but.. how can i not be thinking of that now? i wonder if i am the
one havent let go yet. i wanna cry. i hate ppl lying about me, i hate ppl making up story about me.
she did it all, but i couldnt blame her. i wondered if i should have confronted her instead. but i dont know.
i still wanna keep my respect to her and of course to my honey as well. i just think everything should
have been done already. just wish that she would stop bothering ppl ard me. i think... i care about ppl
too much that's why i'm easily upset by ppl. if i could have just ignore how she felt or the others, maybe
it would be much easier for me. but that's just me right... Cas... be patient.. everything would be fine.

thanks for auntie though.. the cleaner.. she just drop by and gave me a chocolate. ha.. that's very nice
of her.

>>October 23, 2008 at 11:21:46 AM GMT+8