2008 年 3 月 26 日 星期三 【晴】

i' back home.

i rested, had dinner, exercised... helping my sister on her writing..
i'm going to bed soon.. i might do some reading then sleep.

you know...
Shan came to the office earlier than Ella and May before meeting.
we got some time to chat. i told her my problems, and she was there offering me another way of
interpertation, the more possitive way. all i had been recieving was about the questions and lots of
becareful of this and that, lots of doubts and other negative responses, these were my perception.
and i was like... duh... i m tired of them, and i dont feel good about that. i understand they care about
me and concern on me alot. but then... it also brings me lots of pressure actually.
its like.. i have already much and enough. i do have considered lots of things and i am not blindly
doing something i am not aware of. so... thanks Shan...

i know that i am not so calm. i'm not too excited yet, maybe coz here're still many busy works going on?
or... coz i'm not so ready? i dont know. i am looking forward to seeing him again, i do expect to be seeing
him again, the man i love so much. but at the same time, i know this time i might need to face some
problems as well, maybe when i will be leaving i would be so sad, or maybe i would need to plan alot
of stuffs about my future, i mean making lots of decisions for that. and then... you know... in this morning
i wrote... that... i need to see if we really could have a future. actually it sounds a bit... strange.
coz it's more like showing that i am not sure if we should have a future. it's not the thing i wanted to
say. i just edited my last entry for this morning just now... what i wanted to say is that...
i think this time, when i go over, we need to face some problems... we both need to see what we
should do (i'm not saying could do but should do) for our future. maybe not much but some little things
or... i dont know.. something we would come up with together. i need it and i need him.

okay.. i'm going to bed now... i'm so sleepy... i didnt sleep well last night actually.
i woke up like 5 or 6 times. crazy. and yea now it's 2 21am.
see tmr if i would come for some office record in the morning =)
good night..

i miss him lots... and that's why i need him. i want him.
good night.

>>March 26, 2008 at 6:23:46 PM GMT+8

2008 年 3 月 25 日 星期二 【晴】

hi.

Gd morning. Castor is back to the office.
we will have a meeting in 1 hr. i got a post this morning, hummmm nice bags.
today my studnets should be back.. and then... i saw some new files on the desk... so...
i guess Ella has been working on the new programmes when we're off.
Shan told me she needed to come on the last Mon, which was the public holiday..
i didnt know about that. sigh that's Ella's style anyway. it's fine.
i'm just thinking how much i need to catch up and guessing how many conflict i might face.
humm i will know after the meeting..

today is already March 26. i was in Cananda last year. hee. i was counting the days like... how many
days left to come back HK, it was sad. this year, i'm counting how many days left to go to Canada.

i met Karen yesterday, and she asked me what i'm expecting in this trip. not only she asked, other
friends asked me as well. humm i dont think i'm really expecting anything big. i'm expecting to see him
and to spend time with him, then i guess we should know each others more and we both need to see
what we need to do for a future of us together.. so.. see what we should do... at the moment i'm a bit lost.

the Easter holiday is finished... hummmmmm... i want more holidays hahahah...
i rested, and i played as in hanging out with friends and family... i relaxed and watched tv and movies..
then i slept more, and i exercised... very nice. but i was not... really happy as i thought i could be =)
i need him. i'm very honest.

>>March 26, 2008 at 5:59:34 PM GMT+8

2008 年 3 月 24 日 星期一 【晴】

hi.

yesterday i woke up very late. i was in bed didnt wanna get up.
then.... dont know why mom and dad had been quite ... irretating.. they're moody.
i dont like that. just even small things can get them angry. i dont like this.

then late afternoon... we went to Causeway Bay. we had the all-you-can-eat buffet. nice..
i thought it would be boring, coz it's with aunt and her family, and also grand parents from dads side.
but then end up okay. we all had fun. i can share some pics on facebook later.
i really love the dessert. i had lots of them. i almost tried every plates of them, except those cheesy ones.
i was so happy with the dessert haha.

i couldnt sleep last night. so bad. then.. i just woke up and met Karen today.
i went to Yeung Long. hummmmmm.... Yueng Long is a bit similar with Tai Po...
we had food there. it was okay, quite cheap though. then we walked ard. i was tired haha.
hummmmm it wasnt like what i thought about Yueng Long. it was cool. walked a lot.

today is the last day of Easter. then... once again thanks God.
i have lots of rest, and then... yea.. tmr need to start working again. hummmm i'm still in the holiday mood
i guess. and i dont know.. i still need more time to rest. but 4 more working days then i would have
another 3 days off. sounds good.

i miss Stephen. i saw him on line today. i have been having lots of dreams, i dreamt of him alot...
that makes me miss him even more.. but then... we dont really have time to talk or do anything together.
it concerns me, coz.. he seems so far away from me, and then....

my mom kept asking about him, and i dont wanna answer her. like... i have been very patient already,
and i dont wanna report to her about what i'm up to or anything like that. there's nothing much i can
say and i would like to say about him. i think i should think about my relationship not them.
i understand they worry about me, but just stop that. i am so freaking tired.

anyway... i dont know...

>>March 25, 2008 at 12:06:27 PM GMT+8

2008 年 3 月 21 日 星期五 【晴】

hi =)

hummm yesterday i was too tired...
i went out with Karen, we went to the Airport, then we were back to Tai Po together.

it was a very nice day actually. quite relaxing. we hang out at the airport. we wanted to watch the 4D
movie in the expo place. but then there were too many ppl line up waiting.. so.. we just gave up, but
took a few pics inside there. it was quite funny of us hanging ard there. coz most of the ppl there are
the tourist waiting to get on board i guess. oh yea, it was the Termanal 2 in the HKG International airport.
it's a new building there.. and yea, saw lots of flight attendants, and then lots of foriegners. haha..
we ate Japenese food there, and then we walked ard, chatted alot. she's so funny. it's always happy
to have her ard. she's always happy, she's adorable. then we had doughnut at Krispy Kream.
humm... i like the lemonade too. but.. Jugo Juice in cananda makes better lemonade. and Tim Horton's
doughnuts taste less sweet and better.
then... yea.. maybe next week i would visit her town in Yeung Long. she said there's a very nice
cafe called New York Coffe or something like that. i just wanna relax, have some fun out there,
maybe some sunshine, some wind, some fun jokes, some books, some songs.. a relaxing holiday..
so... =) yes, i'm definitely visiting her next week.

thanks God..

and... yesterday.. we talk about the trips we are doing soon. i mean.. i'm going ot visit honey in May.
then she will join the school trip to Upper Iowa. she's so excited about it. i am so happy for her too.
so we are going back to the airport in May actually hahahaha.... it sounds good and fun... we do
have fun. and we're both looking forward to the trip to come.

okay.. and i also got the pics from JAckie. FINALLY. haha.. alright... here we go..

in Chinese New Year..


with Jacky. oh my eyes were closing..


with Mei Po.



These are from yesterday

it was the model of the fight class cabin of cathay pacific


this one is on the model of some old plane of cathay pacific


haha this one... i look old.




Karen was making her own special milk tea... haha... impressive.


it was my maple galzed doughnut form Krispy Kream. honestly... it doesnt taste as nice..
it was too sweet, and i really prefer Tim Horton's maple dip. =) YAY Tim Hortons! anyway i was happy
to have doughnut there. i could smell the doughnuts from far away the Krispy Kream.. and i miss that
so much... coz... the thing is... it smell so nice.. and.. i was attracted hahahaha.. i was so happy..
and then i just think.. you knwo what... i wish i could have Tim Hortons now. then i just asked Karen
if she would want a doughnut. i do miss the smell and taste of them. it reminds me lots of Vacouver.


=) sweet huh? hahaha... i mean the background.
Castor, tell me what you've found different in these 2 pics??? hahaha..
i think i really like taking pics. anyway... it was nice. i was happy =)


so.... yea.... today i just got up late ... i took a really long sleep..
i watched tv last night, chatted with Alesja too. sometimes we use webcam.. it was nice.
i rest at home today.. didnt go anywhere. it rains so hard outside.
tmr.. i will go back to the salon to get the free treatment for my hair. then... probably need to spend
the whole day there again .. i need to exercise tonight. i ate too much heavy food yesterday! =)

dont know how's my honey. i have been dreaming of him.. i really miss him much.
you know... we use to have lots of time to chat on line, or we use to go on webcam sometimes..
now he's just too busy. i wish him sucess on his career, i wish him happy and healthy.. and i also wish
that we would have a happy and stable future. i do hope things would go fine... i love him..
i really do. his valetine's chocolate is still with me. i am going to give them to him from my hands.

sometimes i remember... that.. love should be unconditional but it is hard to do so. from the book...
there's lots of about the unconditional positive regard that we give ppl.. and then.. i found them really
rare even in the family. like... when would your parents praise you? when you do somethign good?
something like that.. so... that is conditional. when will you give your lover a kiss? when he or she
buys you something? when do you give a hug? something good happened? it's also conditional.
so when to be unconditional? it should be anytime, without anything in return.

how different of the conditional and the unconditional is? i think it is the big difference.
it's the basis meaning of the reason or motivation for some action or thinking. and that meaning could
tell you.... how true and pure of yourself in the move. the love in anytime, without anything in return..
i cant say i'm extremely well... coz... i guess it's just super natural for ppl to hope things in return,
not everytime but sometimes we do. just like... we have put so much time and efforts to do something
or nurture some relationship with ppl... we do hope that someday that we would be happy.
even though i might not be so lucky or happy, well at lease someone would be happy. and i guess..
that's the unconditional one. the fear less of loss, because you want the other one well.

sometimes... to be giving doesnt need a reason, especailly... when the person in front of you is who you love.
and myself too.. there's no reason that i dont love myself, no reason that i shouldnt love my honey.
and.. it's so weird.. coz i cant find any reasons to love myself and my honey and my family and my friends too..
=)


i would keep my life alive, coz i love my life.


okay.. and.. here i need to change some words of my poor translation of the chinese song i posted here before.

>>March 22, 2008 at 11:41:10 AM GMT+8

2008 年 3 月 20 日 星期四 【晴】

I just wanna share a song...
wish myself good sleep tonight.
just wanna rest well and relax in my holiday.

i miss my honey..


最美麗的第七天
The most beautiful day, the 7th day.



在這天這一分鐘遇你
on today, i met you at this moment.
望向街中的感覺很美
i look over the street, it is so beautiful.
下一秒未準備
the future is not ready. the next moment is not ready.
未適應兜兜轉轉像戲
i am not ready to go through all the dramatic stuffs like a movie.

越過空間差一些運氣
i move on, but i'm lack of luck at this place and space.
下意識的心想碰到你
and in my unconscious mind, my heart was wanting to see you.
剩低我在這地
only me is being left here
離別中觸到珍惜道理
then, start to learn the meaning of cherrishing something.

七天空間交錯
the crossing of the time and space in 7 days,
似千次遠離
that it s like a thousand time of leaving.
一天呼吸使我
breathing reminds me
在回味那空氣
makes me to remember the air of the days.
七天中的希冀
the wonderful thing in those 7 days
記憶再儲起
is being saved again in the memorry.
心中一生的美
and in my heart, the most beautiful thing in my life
是曾遇你
is to have met you.

在你身邊匆匆的掠過
i passed by you in a rush
未有開口擔心會出錯
i didnt say a word, coz i worry i would say somethign wrong.
未敢愛 在等待
i didnt dare to love, i was waiting
重疊的空間中相覓愛
to look for love in these messing spaces.

七天空間交錯
the crossing of the time and space in 7 days,
似千次遠離
that it s like a thousand time of leaving.
一天呼吸使我
breathing reminds me
在回味那空氣
makes me to remember the air of the days.
七天中的希冀
the wonderful thing in those 7 days
記憶再儲起
is being saved again in the memorry.
心中一生的美
and in my heart, the most beautiful thing in my life
是曾遇你
is to have met you.
花一生的福氣
even if i would spend a whole life of bliss,
為重遇你
i would do it for just seeing you once more.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i'll be back tmr...
i will go out with Karen again.
we are going to the airport tmr.

>>March 22, 2008 at 11:51:04 AM GMT+8

2008 年 3 月 19 日 星期三 【晴】

good morning.

today is the last day working before Easter.
hummm yesterday was quite busy sometimes, but then i could still finish my work on time.
my students didnt come, so i got much more time and energy to work on my own.
then today would be busy, got lots to prepare and the adv thing to work on... hummm...

i didnt sleep well. not so easy to fall asleep... then always get dreams.. some dreams are weird, some
are ok.. some are sweet. why do i have so many dreams? ha...

yesterday after work, i went to the drug store to do some shopping.. i found something really nice to
save my hair. my hair is so damaged, i really miss my hair.. it wasnt really really healthy, but it was not
bad. now it's just too dry, too bad. ok.. i'm going back to the salon on Sun, so as to have the treatment
and "maybe high light." i dont wanna damage my hair again. anyway, the product that i used is really nice.
i hope it could save my hair. i would use them always.. maybe 3 times a day.

last night i chatted with Alesja. recently, i just wanna stay on line for her a bit longer.. she's one of my
best, and... there're something happened ard her. i wish her all the best.. i wish her well.

mom and dad talk about my trip. they seem okay. i dont really respond lots. i think it should be okay.

after chatting with Alesja.. i realize how lucky i am.. i dont wanna be mean.. but i think...
i'm just very lucky... my parents are nice and they love me so much. we are still together...
my sisters are here, they're the good kids, doing good at school. i have been good at my studies,
and work... even though.... it's really tough. then... with honey, at least we still could meet, still have
chances to you know... get together, although i still cant see how happy he is about that. so...
i think i'm pretty lucky, i do appreciate them, and i just wanna give thanks. wanna live my life fully.
i e-mailed honey last night, just wanna share with him. he's very busy.. i just wish that after reading
he would understand.

i'm getting back to work.

>>March 20, 2008 at 4:00:45 AM GMT+8

2008 年 3 月 17 日 星期一 【晴】

hi =)

hummmmm...
oh yea. on Sunday, i just went to TST for my hair. then now, i'm back to my wavy hair =) hee.
this time i felt a bit strange. coz i dont know.. guess it's been quite a year with straight hair.. so.. haha..
good to have curly hair, but just feel a bit strange, but fine =) just take a little time to handel them when i
wake up. but then i'm going back to the salon again to have the treatment and dying the hair. i've having
some highlight.

then... yesterday... Mon, i went to meet Marry, my counsellor. it was probably my last time to see her.
and yea.. she said if i dont call again in May before i go, then she would close my case in May, then
of course if i need her in future, i could give her a call anytime.
this time, we made a toss. coz... to congraduate my completion of the couses, and that full marks paper =)
and she is also happy for my changes in the past months, and yea i'm very happy..
she said she does appreciate my courages, patient, and she sees lots of potentials in me and my
future career path. she wishes me good luck. i do wanna thank her, coz.. she has been my really
good counsellor helping me in my life. i'm so sorry not to tell her real name to my friends or anyone,
coz i do wanna protect this theraputic relationship with her. it's not about i mind telling ppl about seeing
a counsellor, but just that is not an easy thing for many ppl to accept. i'm not "psychopathic", i mean
i'm not insane. i just need some help in that time, and so that i give myself a chance to live a happy life.
it sounds very serious to have psychological help, but actually i dont know. for me.. at the begining,
she was saving me from falling in depression, or some other kind of mood disorder. then later on...
she's more like.... helping me to search for my own value, my own identity, my self concept..
she was not really guilding me or leding me to do anything, but she gave me spaces with questions
to review and reveal, like reflecting what was going on, and what do they mean to myself in real.
the time and dialy experience actually gave me spaces to ... think of alot of things, and i start to...
you know see thigns more clearly, as in.. there were so much about myself that i didnt know about.
i didnt know how beautiful life i could live with, not as in the realistic stuffs that i could buy, but..
the real happiness i might be able to have. nothing is perfect or extremely good or heathly, but at least
we're walking toward it. so... it does make me wonder who i am, what i like and i dont like.. and..
like seeing a mirror, and i could tell how beautiful i am. i mean like... what i'm good at that i didnt know..
what i'm weak about.. and i love myself.. i find myself lovable.. so... if no one loves me,
i would do wanna love myself. and yea... i believe in myself, and i wanna protect myself as in..
i start to realize how to set boundaries with ppl.. not letting others to rip me off again. there're so much
i still need to learn.. and this is my wonderful life.. yea sometimes i'm very busy and life is tough, but
at least, in this, i would still be able to smile and say this is what i like about myself too.. it's my life.
so yea. good =)

and then....
today.. i woke up, then i went to the library to return my books, then... i met Karen.
we went to TST. quite good. we had lunch together at Burger King. and then we walked ard...
and we had coffee at Satrbucks inside LCX. it was cool. coz.. that Starbucks is new..and then...
the thing is... it was a really great view, we saw the Victoria habour and the curises. the sky and the
ocean.. it was so beautiful. we seat at there for long... then we walked back, through the HK Cultural Center,
Avenue of Stars at the Victoria Habour. it was quite nice actually. today is not that hot like summer,
it was quite cool, very nice weather.. but just a little bit cloudy.
anyway, i was a nice hang out with Karen =) thanks her. i like it, i relax a lot..
then Ella cancel my teaching.. so i just back home resting.

mom asked about my trip just now. hummmmm ... it's a bit hard to let them understand.
i'll see what i can do.

on Sat night, late night.. Alesja and i was chatting on MSN with webcam. we chatted for long.. and..
i miss her.. as in.. she has been my really good friend. we chated on mic as well. i feel so sorry
for her and that guy.

honey has got my letter =) i'm happy. i miss him.
anyway... we didnt have much to talk about. he was working.
i do appreciate he's willig to come on line, at least to spend some little time with me.
i wanna see him. i want him, and i wanna take care of him..
then of course i wanna be cared too, i wanna be loved.

>>March 18, 2008 at 1:35:30 PM GMT+8

2008 年 3 月 14 日 星期五 【晴】

hi there.

this is Castor bored at home now.
hummm i got a serious stormachache last night.. my face turned pale, and i wanna puke.
i dont know if it was the food poisonining.. i tooke the pil.. felt really sick then fell asleep.

i didnt go workign this morning.. i was afraid.
then... yea so just stay home resting. i put my phone on silent, and i dont answer any calls after wake.

it's a bit strange that actually when i'm on leave, i would think about the office alot.
and maybe that's why i dont want any calls.
everytime when i look at the clock, i would associate with some classes and work steps at office.
and then i would ask myself.. why i would stay home today? the office needs me.
i always wanna rest.. wanna stay home relaxing.. but when i'm sick home.. i just wanna get back
to work. uhhh it's kindda like... conflicts? anyway... the office is quite busy recently.
like me.. i wokred till 9 30pm last night. i dont like it.. but it becomes part of my life already.
i wanna make a change.. but i still think of the office.. so.. i dont know.. and...

i always think of Stephen...
i miss him. i'm seeing him soon.. but i dont know how it would be like, and i guess no one could tell me.
i'm looking forward to it. you know.. be back into his arms, and this and that.
i'm not wanting a lot.. but a chance that could just let us be together again. maybe doing something together.
this year is really tough, and ... i'm so lonely. i've been waiting for him..
i guess it's not that i couldnt look for another guy, but i dont want.. i only want him.
he's not on line as much as before now, and i know life changes do happen alot.. even with myself..
i just hope that we could get through all these. i love him. i do.

>>March 15, 2008 at 9:14:01 AM GMT+8

2008 年 3 月 12 日 星期三 【晴】

hey.

last night, the education department announced that... all primary school, nursery schoo, pre school,
are all suspended due to preventing the "flu" spread untill the Easter holiday done in a few weeks.
then now.... in the office.. we gotta do some preparation.

recently, these few days... we have done the new board... it wasnt too bad. it was okay.. but...
not as perfect. haha.. anyway.. quite busy.. and i'm not ready. i want holiday.
next week, i would have... Sun- Tue off, then only work on Wed and Thurs. hohoho.
coz from next Fri to the next next Tue would be my Easter holiday as well =)

i'm hoping to meet Karen on next Tue if she would be free. otherwise i would make an appointment
to do my hair, i mean... fix my hair. haha.. then on Mon, i would see Marry in the last afternoon.
then.... hopefully can meet up Shan and Queenie for dinner, our girls' night making up for the Christmas.
oh no, Queenie's gift is still with me haha. then yea... i wanna go to Lantau Island or Sai Kung with Karen.
i'm trying to relax myself =)
hopefully... can focus on work a bit more after my holiday.. coz.. really got alot to work on before i leave.
and then.... quite some big challenges are coming actually.. abt the new center, about the flu, about
the summer course, about Ella and about my leave... so.. yea... and i dont wanna always leave work
for Agnes. coz.. i wanna be fair to her, dont wanna overload her yet hahaha before i go i mean. haha.

Mendy and the baby came... the baby is so cute! i like playing with him.. this baby is quite smart though.
it's nice =) okay.. i gotta get back to work.

>>March 13, 2008 at 4:49:55 AM GMT+8

2008 年 3 月 11 日 星期二 【晴】

Hi.

i have finally done two exams, my last two exams.
if i'm not going to ... do my master degree, then... these two would be my really final exams in my life.

On Mon night, it was probaby my first time to add the extra answer sheet.
i wrote the answer book fully, plus another answer sheet.
it wasnt too bad. i knew i was missing a few points, but still okay i believe.
i stayed till the last min. it was okay...
back home studyed again till 5 am? cant remember.. slept for 2 hrs.. then woke up studying..
then had my another exam.
hummmmm it wasnt very good. Proff Casey looked quite casual. he was a bit funny when he
started announcing the exam to begin.. haha.. then yea.. i was the last one who finished..
5 essay questions.. 40 points@. it was a bit much. and i wasnt sure on my answer anyway..
then.. when i was done, i have 30 mins left.. and i saw the girl in front of me.. she has stopped..
she just seat and waited. so i waited too. it was my last exam, and probably my last one in this school.
the last time i would be sitting in that classroom writting exam. so... i kindda... dont wanna leave..
i stayed till the last min.. i just feel weird.. a bit sad or empty.

after that.. i was quite relief.. but then at the same time i felt a bit.. strange that i dont need to hurry
taking anotehr course.. i'm just.. done now.. and just need to do a project to grad. hummmm weird feeling.
i just think.. maybe.. i'm not ready to quit school. i mean.. maybe i should continoue studying?
like.. i'm not ready to finish school.

i went to Causeway Bay to meet mom. we had lunch with some aunts together..
aunt Chau and Hung. hummmm... they're back from Van for visiting.. so.. yea... it was oaky..
they know i'm going over in May. haha.
back home resting... really exhausted... got a call from Shan... she was telling me about the office..
and how the work s going.. then.. i was heading to the office for teaching..
then Shan called me just cancel it.. ok.. then sigh... wasiting my time and energy.. back home resting..
this morning i couldnt wake up.. dont really wanna come working. i read in bed last night.. then fell asleep.


look at me... this is me and my honey in last year. that me was not doing school..
i mean i was waiting for my school.
i miss my honey haha..


and then this one... was my birthday, with Cap..
i was doing school.. just had the nasty break up with honey... and.. i was trying to stay happy,
which was quite impossible. it was the happiest pic i took ard that time on my bday. i cry on my way home.


this one... is in summer. i was doing school and work.. ard summer.. at that time..
i started seeing my counsellor. and this day i was in Disneyland, haveing a family day.
i was really down all the time, but had two happy days in summer. it was one of the two.


this one... it was in China.. Lilian's wedding in Fall.
at that time, Honey and i were back together already.. and i was seeing my counsellor.
it was still pretty tough. but my life started to change again.


this one.. was back to school ... just last term... my happiest time at school.
back with Honey.. and then... life changes.. as in.. better. i started learning to love myself more..
to respect myself more in return. i'm still learning.


here... Christmas and Chiense New year.. i was pretty stressed at school and work..
but i was much better than before.




i guess i have been changing alot.
many great moments are not tagged with great pics.
but deep down in my heart, i know all these changes.
life is just... amazing. you never know.. coz.. you never know.

i gotta sit down and think for my future. putting down the school stuffs... then... yea...
gotta work on the other things.

i miss my honey.. i'm really looking forward to be back Van seeing him.
and this time.. the me is a bit different. i grow up... not necessary to be... a totally different person..
but.. maybe suprising? haha i dont know...
i'm still the Castor... but just getting more mature i guess? but still having my silly side that cant be erased.
hahaha. oh Castor Castor....
i dont know. he will see. ahahaha..

>>March 12, 2008 at 5:50:06 AM GMT+8