2008 年 12 月 20 日 星期六 【晴】

today.... is complicated.

this morning and afternoon i was okay. like.... coz tonight i would have the girl's night with Shan and Queenie.
it's like once a year gathering for us every christmas. we would get to gather, then dinner or have a
drink, then exchang gift. it's just... a special thing for us. coz.. we dont usually have time to catch up
with each others. me and Shan are easier but not with Queenie. so... yea. and it's like the 4th or 5 th
year we have been doing this. so yea.. we try to keep this.

then office isnt too busy today... then i always running in and out the office to get things done.. i am
running out of time for chsitmas shopping and stuffs.. then yea... i ran to get a dress, last min again.
then.. i ran to get Ella's baby a gift. omg.. so rush. i'm glaad that i've made it.. but i'm so tired.
i bought... a purple color dress.. but i wonder if i will wear it tomorrow or... on Tue instead.

then i yea.. gave cards to the teachers at the office... Karen and i talked today... she is nice.. but..
i mean as a friend she is nice, but... co worker... i dont know for sure. then.. James is really sweet.
humm Carole is okay. kindda feel like she's half as my boss now.

hummm but then... later... in the late afternoon and evening.. things changed. i was confused.. then..
i became sad. i stayed at the office alone for another 40 mins.. everyone left already.

then... i took a cap home instead of meeting my girls... i went home... sitting in the washroom...
got the call from Shan... okay... i told her i wasnt feeling well coz... something happened between
me and stephen. then... i stayed for awhile and okay... i still went to meet up with my friends.
it's like... alright.. it's our once-a year moment, so.. of course i need to go. so.. i walked there.. i wanted
to take a cap co my firneds were waiting.. but no.. i thought a walk would make me feeling better..
so i walked there.. and yea.. had a good time tonight. well of course i dont feel very good, but.. my girls
they didnt really cheer me up, but.. at least i could dine out with friends and relax a bit. and i had gifts
from them =) i wanna thank Queenie. we had Itallian food.. then.. we had some sorts of dessert at
another place.. so... very full... then.. took a walk home.

tomorrow... i'm not sure if i am going to the baptism but the lunch reception i will need to go.
James asked me if i am going to the baptism.. i said... maybe. he said he would go. i think he's just nice.
but i was honest ot him i have been very busy.. and Sunday is the only day i can sleep till afternoon.
it sounds pretty bad of me to say but.. yea. then we both laughed. then Carole talked about that with
me too.. so i asked Shan tonight.. she will go.. the thing is i will go if it's not in the morning. so... blah..
i need rest. and.............. well......... i am not as close with Ella now, coz it's just hard.. but... i dont know
what she wants now. she tried so hard to come taking pic with me on last Sun. then she gave me a
grad gift. but then she asked info about me behind me through Shan and maybe Carole. so... what can
i do? i think she is being weird now. and.. to be honest... she cant expect too much from me.

anyway... my honey stephen...... has my eveything, but he seems .... doesnt realize that.

i'm not... one of the girls who doesnt think when ppl tell them stuffs.. it's like i know it's kindda annoying
to guys when the girl is being "too smart"... then it is actually "stupid"...
i hate myself as in... i dont really stop asking questions. coz i just love questions.. and if i dont ask, i feel
terrible. so i have to ask if i dont understand. i dont ask everything. i only ask about something important
to me or interesting. so... i dont know.. but it makes me feel like... so stupid..... but... Cas....
you gotta understand yourself that... it's not like something you can blame yourself on. coz.. this is not
what you used to be like. you are changing youself so much somehow just because you wanna see
and try the different things with the man you love so much.... it's like... you have been trying and trying,
but he doesnt really understand? then... you would be blamed coz you still dont do exactly the way
it should be. okay.. so you tried again and again, you might be stupid sometimes, but you're are still
learning, right? okay then you tried again, tried harder, then things changed again. then you start to
wonder... what this person like about yourself. then you have changed so much on the certain things
of course. and.... you're insecure somehow coz the new stuffs are sth you're not familar with. but..
some ppl might not care much if you find it uncomfortable or feelings about things. then you
wondered... what they truely want in this world. so.. it might not be something you used to give in.
it might not be something you're good at. it might not be something you would always do.. but something
that you are not familiar with, but you do try harder and harder, and you generally have fun about.
but during the time of all the experience and learning, it's not that easy and it's actually very difficult..
you get fed up but........... there's not much support coz... "there's not supposed to be?" i'm a bit
confused. well it shouldnt be though.. i think everything is pretty clear already.... i'm just not an easy
girl to be tamped so easily. this part i cant control it.

>>December 20, 2008 at 7:01:55 PM GMT+8

2008 年 12 月 18 日 星期四 【晴】

i worked... but i didnt want to work.

i left in the afternoon. i cant stay there. i left ard... 4 sth ? i took a cap back home... rested for awhile,
had some blue berries and nuts... then changed.. then i went to bed. i was crying when i went to bed.
then i just fell asleep. i slet till 9 sth... had dinner.. then watched tv. i think i am just lack of rest lately.
it's like whenever i have time on weekend, either i was out socializing with others or i just had to work
on the research. so many things on my mind, i'm suffocating.

i am invited for the baby baptisum this Sun.. which i dont really wanna go.. then i just got invited to a
school party... not for the students one.. is for the staff and some special guests. Dr. Eicher just told
me in the e-mail this morning. i am surprised but... it's been already a lot going on recently.
so.. 2 parties on Sunday... 1 gathering on Sat night. another one student party on Mon night. 4 parties.
i want to go... but i'm so tired to go. i guess if i decided to go, then i shouldnt complain about these..
i just find that actually i wanna do so many things but i cant do all. say... the master program... i really
want to try, but.... i'm not ready. so i have to learn to give up. i dont usually give up on things... unless
it's necessary. you know.. i wanna insist to do everything perfect... so everything is necessary to do.
but then.......... i'm just a human being. i cant do everything... and i'm tired.

it's like.. i like the gathering.. i might enjoy the party... but.. since there's too much happened ard the
graduation and... i'm getting tired now... i wonder if it's a bit too much. i wanna get together with the
close ppl, it's so nice... but not with everyone.

about quitting and finding another job, i dont know what would happen. but does it matter?
i wanna be there with him. im kindda confused what to do next. i wanna fly to there, but... how soon?
which month, how about the money, where i'm gonna stay, how long i'm staying? i dont wanna hide
from my family, so i'm telling them that i wanna move to Van. it's just so much to think about. i'm
stressed about this. i think we would make it... now since i have graduated it seems a good time to
plan about stuffs like this. coz i still havent got another job yet, i'm not going to school so soon either.
i would need to talk with him, but i dont wanna stress him out, coz i'm sure we both have our life going
on, he might have alot to do and think about too.

i wish i dont need to work tomorrow, so that i can stay home. i hope i'm not escaping from work.
but i do need time off for myself.

>>December 18, 2008 at 5:35:24 PM GMT+8

2008 年 12 月 16 日 星期二 【晴】

hello.

i fell asleep last night within 5 sec after tugged myself in bed.
i woke up ard 7 sth... then prepared to go.. i left home before 9 with mom.
my legs, my ankles, and my knees are still in pain... but yea.. i can walk, just not as fast. gotta slow
down a bit. i took bus to Kwai Chong... to the scool picking up my questionnaires. omg. i slept on the
bus.. then... came back.. i had late breakfast with my parents... dim sum... then back to the office.

back to work... first thing to do... not tidying up my belonging and stuffs.. not making the morning
coffee, not checking every rooms, but... reading the log book. humm surprise... surprisingly mesgs
happening weeks and weeks. hum yea. i was frown when i read. whatever. then i had coffee...
checking mails.. checking schedule.. having coffee... then Carole's back. we discussed on some work,
then... she did her work, i did my job.. blah blah, then after she left, i did my own schedule.. and started
screening the questionnaires. humm interesting founding. i'm so happy.. but then.. now i gotta be
serious thinking how to calculate, hoe to do the statistics by using the APA format.. and how to make
the graphs and stuffs... i can analyise them but... putting them into maths would cause a lot of time..
and it's like it's been so long i havent done statistical work. so... ahhhhhh.. kindda stressed. and the
thing is... i suppose i have 145 participants now, and then maybe able to make it 200 by Sat.. so........
i actually want more.. i need more, i just want more.. but.. i wonder how i'm gonna handle more than
200 actually. and the thing is.... my 25 scale ques are more than.... 25 varibles. so... if i do correlation
work, it could be alot alot alot of combinations, very interesting pattern might be shown in the data.
i'mexciated about that, i'm expecting that somehow.. but... you know... 200 participants are not that
big, my sample is just not big enough... and not quite random enough.

hummm.. i should call the schools.. but i'm afraid of calling. it's like... i should call ard 14 schools to
see if they are still gonna mail me the questionnires or hearing their rejection. it would be like... 14
rejection by the school principles over the phone. i wonder how hard it is... and some of them i actually
know in real life... like.. my old school and 3 of the other principle of the schools have taught me before.
i feel terrible to call if i already know there's gonna be a rejection with another rejection in chain.
that's why i havent been calling.

then.... you know... at work... i try tnot to think too much when i work.. i mean... i just do the work..
stop thinking about what Ella wants, what the others want.. just do what i should do.. maybe i would
feel better. i dont even bother to talk with Ella about that e-mail. it definitely affect our "friendship" but..
i just prefer not to talk about that since there's not much to do after talking over. it's just gonna be more
alkward for everyone? i'm just not ready to talk about it.

this morning is hard. i am very tired today... kindda like exhausted.. then i read the mesg from Lisa, i
just wanna cry.. ha.. in fact i got tears in my eyes. then Carole appeared and we talked for awhile..
she asked me like why i'm always so tired.. and why i dont use another adj to describe my day. she
said she thought HK ppl were always tired, might be just because of the boredom. i told her yea maybe
but not for me. she seemed... not quite sure about that. she said i should go to bed early. i told her i
cant sleep. i think she doesnt understand. i told her what i have to do.. and she just thinks that i should
be okay since i'm still young. i think yea... but... the ppl like me? always under stress and working on
many things at the same time? i think definitely i have the right to feel freaking tired and it's normal to be
tired, yea? i dont know. i dont blame ppl dont understand me. it's like i'm the one dealing with the
research which is so important for future and i might be losing it now. i think it's normal to be worried
and stressed when i'm so committed and working so hard on it. and at work, my boss is being nuts and
ridiculous to me sometimes... i just think... i have nothing to say... and some parents are not nice at all.
being young is not the privillege for taking granted. you cant ask for so much. i think ppl are just...
demanding, like... i know my responsiblities and know what is right and important to do at time. if ppl
want, they can hire some housewife to replace me at work, or just hire someone else. fire me. give me
money then.. yea that's it. and then you can start working with another person not me. that might be
more ideal isnt it?

i miss my honey..



>>December 17, 2008 at 1:44:24 PM GMT+8

2008 年 12 月 16 日 星期二 【晴】

i'm very..... tired.

i slept ard 3 sth am last night? then.. i got up late. i was supposed to wake up at 8 am.. but... i overslet.
i got up at 9 15. so it was really rush this morning.. only got 15 mins. but still okay. i took a taxi, the ran,
then lucky that i made it. i arrived just on time. i had a meeting with Dr. Chan... hummmmm i reported him
my problems on the research.. there's only one response so far.. then i talked with Edgar.. blah blah..
then he taught me how to use excel to calculate correlation.. and asked me some ques to see if i have
done the literacture review.. and what kind of theory i would use. i havent done thoese well enough..
so... now i'm rushign ot get more sample, and reading and actually should have started writing the
paper.. but i havent started. i feel like i'm a week behind. then... yea.. after the meeting.. i stayed at the
lab for awhile... then had late breakfast plus lunch...

after thaat, i went to Ma On Shan to meet up with my parents. we need to do some photo printing..
then we went back to Tai Po... hang ard for a short while.. then.... i headed back to the office checking
if everything's fine.. then checked mails.. hummmm i have been missing honey these days when i'm not
ard the computer. i'm outdoor always.. i'm so tired.. like... my knees and ankles hurt... quite painful
actually.. anyway.. yea.. i saw honey on line eventually.. i was happy to speak with him. but he seems
very tired... i hope everything's fine there.

so then i gotta rush going back to Kowloon... Prince Edward actually.. to conduct more data... it's such
the pain in the ass. coz it's the peak hr at traffic... and then ppl talk loud... then gotta stand and so
crowd and my legs are sore... my ankles and more knees pain. it's awful. i stayed at his place for
awhile... collecting stuffs.. then.... chatted with him.. then i left at 8 45pm... i'm done. i'm exhausted.
i was on hte train standing.. and again my legs, my ankles, and my knees pain.. then... i took a taxi
home after off the train.

you know.... i'm very tired...

today Dr. Chan told me that i actually could register the master degree program now.. i dont need to
wait till next year. coz after the interview, if they do wanna admit me, then they would give us another
period of time to submit the doc. hummm i dont know. personally... i should try the master degree in HK,
but... what i want is in Canada. so... if i wanna make my whole family happy, i should try the HK ones
first. if i wanna study there, stay longer, and so i can be with honey, then i should try those three
colleges in Vancouver. so.... i dont know. i need some time to sort things out. and the thing is...
i would want to move to Vancouver to be with him.. so...... i would need to give up lots of things here
i think. like... of course i would be in touch with my family and friends, but.. i wont be living with them
anymore, and i am leaving my root here... so.. it's definitely difficult for me somehow although i really
love Vancouver. hummm.... Cas... you gotta do something soon coz you cant just pending on your plan
now, you are graduated.

oh no.. my joints are pain..

tomorrow i need to get up early in the morning again... i need to go to a school to pick up my questionnaires.
then i would need to rush back to work. long dayssss since the begining of Dec till now.. and i know i
will be as busy till the mid of Jan. would i be able to make it? i hope so. and i really wanna take the job
that parent offered me.. but i havent seen her the last 2 Saturdays, i wasnt at the office. so... i dont
know.. i do wanna take that job and make another $2000 for paying the trip next year.

you know... God has never given me too less or too late. it's always right on time. it's always true since
i was 13... no one knew i would be in LSC, i was in coz... of luck. then... so lucky that the school does
suit me.. and i got lots of chances there, i do work hard.. and i got seeing myself differently.. and...
there were many times i pray for myself and the others, and they were good. then i left LSC, but.....
i got into USU, i hated it.. but.. it was the right time to meet some friends in specific and so i learnt alot,
then also got my first part time job. i think it was the right time and right job for me. then.... i insisted to
go to Canada.. i was about to give up but.... i kept praying and asked if i should give up... and all of the
sudden... i saw hopes and i just made it. it was great in Canada... i have learnt so much.. back to HK
then i just got a call from a friend... and i called back and she told me she's leaving to Shang Hai.. then
she told me where she is studying and stuff.. then i found UIU. and i registered in the psych program.
never too less, never too late. so many troubles and problems these years... and i almost killed myself.
i picked up a counselling center on line.. there were tonz.. but i just chose one. and when i called and
got there, i knew it's right. and.. yea.. so many things happened, and i learnt alot, grow up alot...
you know... i'm not those kind of good christain that can say.... God is my everything. i cant yet.. and
i know i'm not a good christain. but i do believe that... if i keep God in heart, He will guide me to be the
person that will be good to my surrounding, and i would know how to love. life is just hard... especially
i have been choosing some untypical path to go compared to other HK girls. so... i dont know... i dont
know how strong i could stay.. i dont know how longer i can hang on to these. i got faith in my heart,
but you know....

okay.. i'm going to bed. my legs hurt..

i just want to go back to the good time we once had.. those.... pure.... trusting.. intensive.. intimate
moments when we were spending together. 想回到過去.

>>December 16, 2008 at 5:49:04 PM GMT+8

2008 年 12 月 14 日 星期日 【晴】

hello.

yesterday, Sunday.... hummm woke up late.. then rushed to have lunch with the relatives from dad side.
you know this is something i would like to skip. i dont like to hang out with these ppl.. coz.... it's never
good to stay around them. maybe they are very chinese traditional? i just find not much respect when
i'm with them. like... yea.. i didnt wanna ask them to come taking photos with me, and i dont really want
to invite everyone to come either... but guess what? coz... while you invite one, you cant ignore the
others. no matter if they wanna come or not, you still need to inform them and see if they wanna come.
some of them wont come of course, coz we are not too close. some will still come and that becomes
my stress. not everyone is that bad.. but... i dont know. i think i'm just trying to be polite, to accomodate
everyone. we had lunch together, i didnt eat much.. uess just not supposed to eat much since my
aunt was bossy about ordering this but not that, it's like everything gotta be approved by her.. then..
one of my aunt, who is the best gave me a red pocket for my graduation. i was so happy, coz i didnt
expact she could come and she made it.. and i didnt expact anything from her. she's always nice and
kind to me.. then she gave me a red pocket.. then my gradma just said... oh i didnt bring you red pocket,
i give you $200 now, the notes are red too, it's lucky for you too. i was like.. no grandma it's okay...
dont worry, just keep the money, i cant take your money. then my trouble aunt just yell at my nice aunt
that she shouldnt give me red pocket, now grandma wants to give me one. i was like.... huh? ok...
i just returned the red pocket to my aunt.. the trouble aunt said i didnt prepare red pocket to you, i think
buying a gift is fine enough... i smiled and i really didnt expact anything at all. then i knew she didnt
bring me any gifts too.. then... why she said such thing? forget it.. i dont really care. but the money i
didnt take.. in fact i left them on the table and tried to push them back to grandma.. but she refused to
take back. so i kept it in the end.. it's like... why make things so complicated?

we walked to the park.. met Shan... took a few pics with her.. then started taking pics with relatives.
then yea... my dearest cousin Sheila and aunt Ching came. thanks God. i enjoyed much much much
more when they eventually came. it's like my photo day just started.we had a good time.. then had
dinner together. then.. we did some shopping hten went home.

today.. i went back to school to return the gown and cap.. then.. i did my christmas shopping at TST.
i went to Marks&Spencer. i got myself a new bra heehee. a lovely flirty bra, which is also cute and
sexy, coz it's silky light pink, with the little french maid attitude. it's not too much though it has pink, lace,
balck and white colour. it's feminie but not too girly, it's just elegant with some little flirty attitude.
i didnt buy the panties, coz it's a bit too much to wear the whole set. well, i will do it only if honey will
be around.

i bought lots of food too... the christmas pudding... hee... and then marshmallow, some chocolate
cookies, chips, some tunna for making sandwiches, and some blue berries.. i'm wondering if i can
make some pasta if if there are any pot luck gathering. but i wonder if the school party is gonna be the
pot luck..

then.. i bought the christmas gifts for Leggy, the school party, for my former student Alex, some candy
set and chocolate set for my parents. then... i went to the book store, wanna look for something for
Shan or Queenie... then for Miki as well.. and maybe Dr. Eicher. i just wanna buy him something to
thank him personally. i know what to get for Miki already... and then i wanna buy dad something extra.
i boguht something extra for mom before.. so yea.. then i bought some little ornanment for Dr. Eicher.
hummmmm... i have prepared something for the office gift exchange already.. so.. yea.. i'm pretty done
with the christmas shopping. just got a little more to do. then i need to write cards and do some wrapping.
i guess i'm not gonna spend too much time on wrapping gifts... since i'm very worried for my research
these days, and i'm simply just tired. i wanna enjoy the christmas.

i'm so tired.. i wanna spend some money and time to go paper myself, maybe go on a one day or two
days trip just to rest, and relax... to feel good about myself, to enjoy everything about me. if i go, i will
go alone maybe. it's good to think about but... hummm i got a letter from the Gov today. i need to pay
ard $4000 in Jan, the 1st payment to paying back the student loan. sigh. and i need to save money to
pay for my next trip to Van next year. well well well...

i havent talked with honey since.......... Fri night. coz Sat i left the office in the afternoon. then on Sun i
wasnt home till night... then Mon today i was out till night too.. i just miss him so much.. keep thinking
about him, thinking of him... i try to stay up late... but i just started falling asleep since hitting 2 30 am.
sigh. i miss him.

>>December 15, 2008 at 5:38:00 PM GMT+8

2008 年 12 月 13 日 星期六 【晴】

todya is a long tiring day.

i got up like ard 8 am.... very very tired... kept yawning. then worked... very busy till 2 pm..
then i left.. i met my family in TST for lunch... we had dim sum today... then we went to the studio.
i'm surprised that lady in the studio recognized me... hummm haha. =)

we took the graduation photos. it was great. i saw some of them already... but gotta wait for ard 10
days to a week... hummm i'll be patient with that =) okay.. today is the 3rd day event for my graduation.
to be honest, i m kindda sick of being so dressed up in suit and heels runing here and there.. i mean..
it's the great moment in life.. but... tomorrow would be the 4th day, and i think i'll be really done after
tomorrow. coz... i didnt mean to make things too big. it becomes a big thing now... coz when i first
contacted one friend, i got another one to contact.. then one more.. then a whole bunch of ppl i should
contact with... then.. my family... the relatives.. some cousins are more close with me.. like friends..
then i contact one, but i cant ignore another one.. then... yea... many of them in total. i'm tired. bleh~
but i'm glad that they are happy for me.. so.. it's like... yea im happy to graduate... but they are very
happy to see me graduate too. as long as they're happy, i'm happy. everyone's happy.

my heels were killing me the whole day since morning. i wasnt willing to walk at all.. it's painful...
so painful... i dont understand how those girls can wear those highest heels dancing crazy. i gotta
say the heels look great, and... the girls who can dance and walk nice in the heels are just amazing.
i'm not so great but i still can walk well, run a bit maybe... but... it 's really painful....

>>December 13, 2008 at 4:53:56 PM GMT+8

2008 年 12 月 12 日 星期五 【晴】

hello.

hummm today i was at the office.. i had lots of coffee.. then i worked.. and worked on my research as
well.. sigh. then.. i went out having lunch by myself... it's okay... then i went out to get more christmas
cards. i still have alot to write. well it's okay, i like doing these =)

okay... i called Edgar... the guy i used to dislike to work with. but.. now i do need his help. i would need
to do some prep now in case i would have no participants at all. i'm VERY WORRIED these days actually..
sigh. in fact, he is very helpful... so.. i am going to his center to conduct more sample.. then... i dont
know, i just wrote another 2 e-mails to Mr. Shing and Ms. Law... they were my amazing teachers in
high school, then they left and pursued another job... which are as the principals now. so.. i wrote
them letters just now.. to see if they could help me on the research. hope everything would be fine...

while i was talking with Edgar on line... i heard him saying the schoolmates are dicussing on me and
another girl, like comparing which one is hotter. Edgar said that woman looked hot on the newspaper
and the pictures. then my other schoolmates said no, of course Castor is hotter. when i heard that i
was like... huh? what's going on? who's that? who said i'm hot? hahha. well.. that woman is like... 30?
and then... she looks good. she is kind of hot but she's not quite friendly actually. like... she d never
talked to anyone, doesnt smile at all.. her belongings were blocking the road but she didnt care.. she
didnt even smile or say hi to me when i met her. anyway.. after the speech... she was first, coz she's
the MBA, then i was the second. after the both speech, haha.. she came gradualating me saying i did
a great job, great speech and wanted to take picture with me. i was like... okay, thank you. but i didnt
insist to take another pic with her using my camera. anyway =) i'm glad that my schoolmates stand for
me. hee. Edgar told them he knew me through school work, so he didnt notice if i looked hot or not.
he reported that to me, i was like.... ha... ok.... why you are that honest with me? hahaha. anyway yea,
they like me more, coz i look better, and my speech was much better than hers.. they said like.. she
was only reading the script, but i did speak from my heart. wow. that's the great compliment for me.
but the most important thing isnt about the compliment. my speech is really from my heart for my fellow
graduates. so.. i'm glad that they got the messages =) the mesgs are more important.

last night i chatted with honey. that's so nice. hummm.... i worry less.. but still... i would need to plan.

tomorrow.. i would need to work... so busy... then i need to go to the studio to take graduation pictures.
very rush actually. then i need to start drafting the paper on Sun and Mon... also writing christmas
cards. then on Tue, i would have a meeting with Dr.Chan... then another meeting with Edgar afterward.
then i need to buy christmas gifts, coz i would be even more busy the week after.. then yea... Wed
back to work. and i wonder so much work at the office waiting for me.. humm if i should go to the
office on Mon just to check things and do a bit of work? hummmm...

>>December 12, 2008 at 8:02:13 PM GMT+8

2008 年 12 月 10 日 星期三 【晴】

hi...

tired.... think of the research.... thinking of the office work.... thinking of my future... thinking of alot of things.

anywya... i am reading my schedule again today... this week i have some free time... and then actually
i shouldnt take much rest time.. i would be very busy next week again.

humm i want the christmas so bad. but... i'm not in a good mood.. so... i dont know..
i want the chocolate.. i want the marshmallow.. yea i bought some today.. then i want all the junk food
and i want the movie... "Home Alone" then i want the christmas gatherings, i want the winter...
i want the holidays.. i want honey... i want my friends and my family... but.... i'm worried for my research,
i'm worried about getting another job or when to go over Van again next year... and i'm worried for my
future... i'm alone..

i wanna go traveling... go somewhere i havent been to... i wanna go... maybe go alone.. or go with
friends or family.. of course i wanna go with honey...

>>December 11, 2008 at 4:51:45 PM GMT+8

2008 年 12 月 9 日 星期二 【晴】

hello.

i worked today... nothing much... i'm tired of working here actually..
here i have so many memorries working in Elchards... but........ sometimes i just wonder what else i
would do in my life... well i'm not talking about what i will do in Canada but before going to Canada..
what would i do if i leave Elchards? i'm just.... unhappy sometimes. things keep getting weird and more
weird between me and Ella. i think... i have changed alot.. we both changed alot.. we are not as close
anymore, and at work we both have more complaint towards each others? i dont know...
maybe i should ask myself why i would start complaining about helping on her personal stuffs..
or... i should ask... when i started finding her selfish? she seems like a generous friend.. but at work...
i just cant stand on the same side with her now? i'm kindda sick of being.... "dont know what i am"
while i was trying so hard to help her taking care of her center, all i got was one line of meaningless
compliment which she didnt mean to say.. and the rest is just another 8 points of complaint. and then
when we talk about responsiblities... i have been seen her paying less or maybe zero tax... then...
we just started process the edu liscen this year... and.. the MPF just started 2 months ago.. and what
i know was she asked about if she can skip paying for us. so... for me.. it's like........ she's making all
the money, she should have paid much more but she didnt, and she still compliant about... not making
enough, which doesnt make sense as well.. coz.. Shan and i have been... doing the calculation for her
every months. so.... i really dont get it. why i should work here? why i still stay?

she asked Shan about me... if i am unhappy. i was thinking... she better doesnt ask me in face.. coz..
i wont know how to tell her. should i be honest with her and be direct? or... in direct? she just puts me
and Shan at the very difficult position. but then... Carole encourages me to talk with Ella in face. for me,
i dont know. maybe when i bring it up, i might be very angry?

she asked me to help her posting some packages... well.. i was speechless. i didnt want to, and i think
she has already expected me have to do it for her. so.... i kindda looked at her with a surprise face..
i was... kindda speechless... then i looked down and said yes very quietly. i didnt say anything when
she asked if i could do her a favour. coz the thing is... i didnt have enough time to ask what's that.
then she already said... blah blah blah... then i looked at her... speechless.. then i looked down said..
yes. then i saw her embarassed. i think she should be. coz she is making me to do things for her
without.... respect. she doesnt even plan to ask me if i would have time or if i would like to help her.
the thing is.. she kept asking me to help her baby's baptism and the party.. and i have been very busy,
i tried to tell her that i would be busy, then she asked me to ask Shan for help.. then i was like... okay..
the thing is... if you want me to help, i would be happy to help, but why not after work at her place?
why not doing these together in stead? i feel like we're more like her personal assistent, or her maid.
i know she's the boss.. and sometimes it's not too busy at the office. but... if these are her jobs as the
mom and the party organizer... why doesnt she do that with her friends and family but... asking her
staffs to do while she doesnt want to be..... a nice boss to us? why... and when... our relationship
becomes so complicated? is this my problem?

you know... last week was me at the office... and i have bank-in cheques too.. she asked me today if
i have bank in the cheques.. coz she worried that the bank acc wont have enough money for the pay
cheques for the teachers. what i was thinking is... if she fucking put the cash into the bank acc then
no one would be worried about the transaction of money. and Shan was here the last 2 days. so...
she should know that actually Shan has already bank in the cheques in the last 2 days even if i didnt
go. right? so........... why? why she has to call and ask me this question? did she try to imply that...
we might not have enough money to pay teachers? come on... we all know that it's impossible. it is
possible only if she refuses to put the cash we got to the bank account. for whatever reasons it is just
not right for a company to do so. if you ask me.. .why... i would say... it's just kind of way to run away
from the Gov, the tax i mean. Cas... it's just hard to.... dont care about this. coz she is blaming me and
Shan on not getting enough money to cover the expanese which is.... totally bullshit. i got blames by
the bullshit. and now i feel like shit.

okay..

i saw myself on the news paper today. hee.. i looked good on the newspaper. haha. it's an adv.. but
they have wrote what i said there... my sis said she's proud of me.. in fact.... i'm happy to do something
great.. and tell ppl about... how i work hard in my life, what i see about education... what i see in my
school... i hope my story could inspire some ppl... or maybe can encourage some ppl not to give up
dreams easily, and work hard in their life. the thing is.... now i have to think about how to move on to
the next level... another stage of my life maybe. and so.. one day... i would be an even greater success.

i talked with honey today.. hee.. i dont know how this relationship would turn out to be... i would like to
try.. there are concerns... well... i will pray. coz... in God's love, i have seen lots of hopes and the
strength and faith keeps me moving on everyday. so... all the glory should belong to God. the help has
never been too less or too much, never been too late or too early. everytime it's just right on time.
i cant deny that i'm full of blessing... if i dont thank God... then... i would be betraying myself. however,
i have been doing lots that... what a christain shouldnt do.. and i havent been to church for a really
long time already. so.. i always feel so sorry for that..
i need to thank the ppl who love me so much... coz without them... i wont be able to be who i am today.
so... i dont knwo if it's kindda... bad for me to be so thankful all the time... but i just know that... if ppl
have helped me.. i must give them credits.. coz... i do want ppl to know how much i appreicate their
love and help in my life. if there are chances for me to return something, i would do my best and i always do.

>>December 10, 2008 at 4:50:32 PM GMT+8

2008 年 12 月 8 日 星期一 【晴】

hi... back to here..
the past few days i had been busy about the graduation. hummmm i was nervous and i didnt know
what to do. thanks honey was here with me... Alesja was talking on line with me too. i slept at 3 or 4..
then woke up ard 6 40... yea... getting ready.... mom went with me.. it was a long day... a big day.
finally... it's done. just as honey's expected, everything was fine.

i was the first student arrived... mom helped me dressing up the gown and the cap... using safty pins
and double side tape to keep it stable on my shirt. ha... then yea... it was okay.. then.. i got interviewed
by the locan newspaper, and a tv channel from the states. it made me a bit nervous.. but when i was
out there, there wasnt anything could be more scary... so i just did it. and i kept thinking of honey and
Alesja before my speech.. the thing is... i dont know.

okay.. so it was done, and everything was just great... except the video recorder wasnt working right.
so.... didnt really record my speech. it's sad but okay... then.. in the coktail session... we just took more
pictures... and i chatted with Dr. Eicher. he is so nice. he asked me a serval questions... it makes me
think alot.. and actually before the ceremony, vice president Dr. Frazier came talk to me.. he told me he
heard alot about me from Dr. Eicher. he said i'm one the smartest students at school. i was surprised.
i had no ideas what Dr. Eicher told him about me.. but i was surprised. anyway... yea.

then after that... my family and i left.. we went to TST. we took more pics... our family just like pics isnt
it.. then.. we had hot pot , all you can eat, in a chinese resturant. it was nice.. but i was so exhausted.

that night i slept very late... then got up ard 2 pm? it's kindda crazy. just yesterday. then... had late
lunch. i chatted with honey for a short while. i bought Shan a coffee from Starbucks. just wanna
thank her. then stayed for a short while.. then i left. hummmm called a teacher from high school..
at first i wanted to ask about the research.. then later on.. we started chatting and he wanted to take
pics with me coz he's so happy about me graduating. haha.. so.. yea.. i said this coming Sun he could
come, it would be great. but then he asked me to come back to the high school today.. humm okay..

so this morning i went back to LSC... took some pics with the teachers. i was so tired.. then after that,
i dropped by the office... then i got a coffee at Starbucks. just too tired and stressed about my
research. saw Lee sir of course... then Chi Man sir was so funny.. and he just told me something
today... i found it very interesting. how does he know? why would he say such things to me?
this is... nothing i can figure out i think...............

then i went ot Ma On Shan to meet my parents, aunts, and gradpa. we had dim sum together.. and then
took pics again. it was okay. coz everyone is happy. so yea, it's fine. then... back home i just laid
down. i'm so tired.. i watched a movie on my lap top.... "Made of Honor" it was a lovely movie. haha.
that guy is cute. but he's ... stupid enough. well... as a girl... who would want to wait for 10 years
just to hang out with you but not being taken seriously "enough"? haha.. i dont know.. they are friends
forever i guess.. and the girl just started to like another guy all of the sudden.. then that guy just realize
he cant lose her. too late though.. gonna get marry in 2 weeks.. and it's just funny.. then he wins. ha..
i have lots of guy frineds before and now.. i mean.. although we're not close anymore.. still once we
were close frineds, we are good friends still. i dont quite understand why guys and girls cant be
friends? for those i know since i was 13... i was still pretty sure what kind of relationship between me
and the guys... only friends or have feelings... i guess it was easy, coz we were all pretty innocent
and we didnt think of... holding hands, or kissing, or of course no sex. so everything was just simple.
haha if i like you.. i want to spend more time with you... being called as the girlfriend.. haha.. maybe
watching the guy playing sport, or doing homework together... something like that ? i dont have these
exp, but as what i saw with my girl frineds.. these what they did when they were dating. so.. for me..
someone who didnt date... friendship is the only thing would happen between me and the guys. and..
i think every guys just sense something about me which is... this girl is not my type? i dont know. just
too hard to handel i guess. i wasnt bitchy at all but just not the type.

anyway... it was a kind of funny movie, coz that guy got some stupid things with his dudes. haha..

i got 3 calls from schools already that... they are not gonna do the research with me. hummm...
i start thinking about what to do.. i dont know.

i've been very tired these few days.. and i do think alot.. especailyl about what to do, where to go
afterward.. coz......... i guess it's coz of the graduation is done. so... really time to think about what to
do.. and i need to do something more than just planing. should i start looking for a job? i'm afraid. should
i just move to canada? it's not that easy. so... what should i do? i can enroll master degree programme
untill 2010. so... what am i gonna do?

i left honey an offline mesg last night.. i said.. i miss him. i have been thinking of him lots...
i'm thinking if i am living in a dream or what, coz i'm pretty sure i'm doing something i usually dont do
when i'm with him. hummmm i'm not saying like... i would live in a dream coz obviously i cant be and i
am not this type of person. i do have dreams, but i do work hard to achieve dreams. not just... living in
fantasy. the thing is... what can i do next to make things happened. and i dont want to be doubted.
i'm thinking if i am living in a dream or not coz... i need to remind myself that... i've moved on from the
college life already.. i have done something important in my life.. to earn my first degree.. what's next?
get together with this guy? or... find another job in HK? i dont seem quite able to make up my mind.. coz
i dont know what he would want me to do? it's definitely my future.. but... things are complicated coz
i'm not in Canada and he's not here. i wanna be with him.. but i would need to move to canada. there
are so many things i gotta think about and... i dont know if i'm just doing it by myself or.... if i am only
doing this by myself, all i would be doing is for myself only. if i'm doing this with him, then... i think it's
just different.. coz.. it would be very clear that i'm doing this for the both of us.

i gotta sleep first..
Cas... if you miss him.. you should let him know.. if you wanna be with him... let him know also...
but beside letting him know and waiting... you cant let your life wait for you. your life gotta go on.
do something maybe? yea.. have been trying to... humm.. i miss him... i want... him.

>>December 9, 2008 at 5:41:59 PM GMT+8