2008 年 11 月 25 日 星期二 【晴】

Hi.

i'm at the office already.
yesterday was like a dream. humm i didnt sleep the night before, so yesterday was like... very tired
and sleepy. i was standing, when i was on train to school. then i was like fell asleep i almost fell off.
whenever i got time to sit i fell asleep. i met up with Dr. Chan. he read my proposal, and we discussed
on the next step and what to do and stuff. for me, he tried to reduce workload for me, like cutting down
process of the research.. i think it's kinda cool, but i wonder if the research not vaild enough. coz i
really want to do a great one as my senior project right. then yea.. never mind.. it would be better since
i can worry less. the thing is i really gotta make the questionaire on my own, i cant just use others,
and i need them within a few days, coz i need to write letters to 19 schools. i'm not sure if i can do it..
but if i start panic now or doubting myself then i know i'm not gonna make it probably... so.. yea.. sigh.

after the meeting, i went to the com lab to search for more article and other reseaches ppl have done.
now i got another 13, and... plus the ones i got from the library, i guess now i got like ard 35 sources
at least, and still i got some soft copies on my usb drive, so... i guess in total i have 40 or sth. which is
kindda stressful for me right now, coz i dont really have much time left and i dont know if i could go
through everything in details. i guess i dont have to. and probably i wont too this time.

i walked ard 5 blocks to Subway. omg. i miss it haha. yeaaaa it's kindda far actually, but i love my
sandwiches. especially after 2 months without any nice sandwiches, i just want it. Delifrance has
nice sandwiches, but it's kind of different. so yea.. i was happy to have my Subway meal. but they
dont have cookies or apple pie, but it's ok. they also have Burger King and Starbucks in the same building.
cool.. it's kindda far from school though.

i had lunch then stayed at the lab for a bit then met up with Nicole and Dr. Eicher. haha they're so nice.
suddenly sent me to the public speaking class for practice. i was so excited but.. when i stepped in
the classroom i was like omg, how many students in this class?? i was quite nervous. i couldnt speak
as usual. then yea.. haha.. kindda embarassed. some students there are not Chinese, and they all look
pretty serious like i dont know it feels like they dont like me or sth wrong with me? haha. some ppl
smiled to me and clapped.. it was okay.. i was sayign something like Facebook some of them laughed.
and one guy did ask me to add him on Facebook and i was like smiling but wondering no.. i dont know
you that well. haha. he was so funny. yea i was very nervous actually. i used to be like okay to talk
in front of the everyone in the morning assembly when i was in High School, and i was also the
veladictorian in High school grad. then some other debate or chior contestes, i should be okay not as
nervous. i dont know.. maybe it's just like... so many years ago hahaha. ahhhh...

after all.. i rushed back to Tai Po... i met mom.. and we went to the shop changing my shirt.
i bought a new shirt for my grad. it was like 50% off. it was a nice shirt.. kindda trendy but still classy,
not too much, not too sexy, not too cute, the colour is very light grey, kindda like white. i quite like it.
but yea.. thinking about if i should tide up hair on that day. mom said i should change the colour, i should
wear white colour shirt. so we wanted to check the white one.. but it's all sold out. doesnt matter.
i like my choice anyway. if it's white, it might be a bit too much, coz the neck part would be so bold.
now should be just perfect. well, at least that's what i think and i would be happy and confident to wear that.

then i came back to work, coz Shan needs to go at 5. hummm she called when i was on the way back.
then she said like in 10 mins, the power would be out, no light, no air con in the whole mall. i was like..
no it's not true. everytime they said they would turn off everything for check up or sth they didnt turn
off anything at all. then this time i dont know if they are really doing it for good. but Shan told me that
they sent ppl to every shops telling they would shut down everything. then i was like.. huh... they are
serious? okay.. i rushed back, and in ard 5 mins, everything was down. just 1 sec. it was kindda funny.
coz... the kids and ppl were funny. we got back-up lights on.. so it was okay. i discussed with Carole,
then.. arranged her class to do it at the patio. they had fun. then the other class with Jacob stayed in
the office, coz the back-up light was strong enough for them. so it was fine. i didnt stay till 8. i was not
okay.. wasnt feeling well, so i just went home ard 7 15. then when i got home i just slept.. mom woke
me up at 11.. then i had dinner then went back to sleep at ard 2. when i got up this morning i wasnt
feeling very well.

i think i have alot of things to do.. sigh.
need to get the christmas cards ready this 2 days and the gifts too. i mean for those i'm gonna post.
actually.. i have done 50% already.. so.. i do wanna enjoy doing the rest. but now.. i'm just tired.
then i got a sore back again.

honey and i talked finally. i was kindda sad. i was actually in a rush, wrapping up the proposal and
some doc i had. then i just stopped everything and talked with him. i was sad coz... i wondered if i was
a very bad girlfriend or.. i have been just like a kid to him. was i just pretending to be someone great or
i was actually trying to be as a great one? i dont wanna doubt on myself coz i know what i've been
doing. while i was so busy and stressed for the stuffs here HK, i was more tensed with him sometimes
and i did try hard to be a good girl friend. if i'm just a typical HK girl, i think i would have never made one
single trip to see my boyfriend, not even think hard enough or care about the guy that much.

what i know is you cant pretend something when you're not. so when i am in love, i would say i am in
love. if i hate it, i wont say i hate it but i would say i dislike it. i'm an adult of course, even though i dont
wanna be sometimes, still i'm an adult. i'm 22 and i'm responsible for myself, excpet living with my
family, i'm totally independent on anything else. i'm not only responsible for myself, i'm also responsible
for a bachleor degree, for a company, for my friends, my relationship and my family. what else should
i be responsible for to show you that i'm grown up. at least not some girls walking on the street dont
knwo what they're doing. sometimes when you wanna do something, you just dont say yes i will do it.
coz you need to think, you need time to think about how to do it. if you dont know how to do it, you
cant do it. if you cant be responsible for what you said, then how can you say yes? ppl take this as an
excuse for rejecting ppl, but not me. it's not just a game that you can engage anytime you want and
just quit like that.

it's just like after you've done so much for the guy you love, and he is doubting on you. then you start
to think if this guy really knows you well, or does he actually appreciate the fact that he has you. if he
doesnt feel secured or loved, maybe it's my problem or maybe not. one thing for sure that i do love him,
and i cant find a reason why i have to or i could pretend loving him him, if i didnt love him. playing game
is easy, but just not with the one you love, especailly when you're already 22 and got so much on your
mind for future with him.

>>November 26, 2008 at 4:38:01 AM GMT+8

2008 年 11 月 24 日 星期一 【晴】

i woke up ard noon again.
i just made toast with my fav jam.. i saw it in the Canadian food festival another day.. it's quite exp..
it said it's with the organic food certificate. humm i dont really care much.. but it tastes so nice so i love
it. i still havent finished my strawberry one but i love this one too. well.. ust induging myself i guess.
i had peanut butter with honey yesterday, then today have jam. it's fair enough.

i was so tired.. i watched tv... did a bit research.. then watched tv, then headed to the library again.
hummm i went there to look for Erikson's book. i cant preview them on line. then i went there, and
searched for the books.. i stayed for another.... 4 hrs today. but it's okay.. i found more information
today. then i had been figuring my proposal and the questionaire. actually they are due to tomorrow,
and now i'm like only... 20% done. so... long long night tonight, i might need some chocolate and coffee.
i need music and the tv to keep my eyes open, keep my brain moving.

dont wanna think about how sad i am, but yea... i dont think i need anyone or anything to remind me
how sad i am inside. i m not pretending i'm not upset, i'm just trying to focus on the stuffs i am
supposed to be doing these days.. which i couldnt do before. so.. i dont know if i m working on the
last min, i just know... well... what can i do now except working on what i should do. so.. terrible enough.
i cant believe that i get him mad at me again when i'm so in need for the emotional stability. should i
blame Rami for that though? if i should i would. ahhhh! =( and also.. honey still hasnt replied me a word.
i have been thinking of him since that day. it's like... sigh.. i dont know what i can say or what i can do.
i told him and explaint everything already.. if he couldnt accept then... i dont know. worse to the
worst... i guess... no... i dont wanna think about it. losing friendship is bad, but.. losing him is even
worse. so... i guess what Jun Ming told me was right, sometimes you do need to sacrafy something.
but for me, i think i have done lots of things already. but yea... Cas... do you want to lose a friend for
your honey? well i guess in my case now, there's no choice already actually.. coz... we cant be
friends like before anymore. it's changed already. coz.. i am already attached with honey, and so..
there shouldnt be any chances for the other guy at the same time. he wants a relationship with me or
sex that is not possible. if we were still friends, we would have remained friends even though we
dont talk or dont see each others anymore. now... things changed. i should have been careful enough
which i was not. and... i always thought that.. Rami was my friend so i shouldnt cut off contact with
him. but i just didnt realize that actually would upset honey, so.... even though i wanna blame honey
not understanding about my situation, i couldnt. coz.. i did know he would be uncomfortable with that
but i didnt handel it well. so.. okay.. Cas.. are you confessing on your mistake now? okay.. i guess so...
the thing is... if i want to be the attendtive girlfriend.. i should have been smart enough to do something
to prevent this akward thing came. though it's not my fault to be liked but.. still.. i dont know.. okay..
that's enough.. i still need to work on my research tonight coz it's due to tomorrow morning.

i would just... write honey a short e-mail.. yes. i should do it first.
brb.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

now it's going to be 4 45 am in the morning. i'm still reading and revising my proposal.
the thing is.. i am having my 4th coffee today, which is a new record of mine. it's crazy. i d never had
more than 2 cups per day but now i'm having my 4th cup. 1 when i got up, then 1 at the library,
then another 2 just now so as to stay awake. i am having stmachahe ... i guess i could start
collecting data of myself to see how many coffee i can take a day but without stomachache.

i e-mailed honey... and i'm not putting a busy sign on my MSN.. coz.. when i put busy i wont be able to
stay alert about who has just signed in. am i being obsessive? i guess not? humm i dont know..
sigh. i really hate arguing with him.

just now Suen Yi Ling added me on Facebook. i couldnt recognize her at all. it's like who's that?
then i looked at her name, thinking about who i knew of having the sure name as Suen... only 2..
she must be yi ling. she looks just.... totally different. i was like huh? is that her? haha.. well.. she used
to be my best friend when we were younger, but she was so jealous of Jackie... then she left me..
i was kindda sad losing her as my best friend, but.. she was really forcing me to choose her or Jackie.
i didnt answer her so she left. well for me.. it was like.. we are all friends, plz dont be jealous.
it's so long time ago when we were 15. anyway.. it's so nice to have her on Facebook now. i still miss
her sometimes. we had lots of great memorries at school before.

now.. humm working on the theory framework. it's just... like... more than 200 pages to go through,
and there should be like 300 pages actually. and i dont think i can finish all. i am just thinking what i can
do to finish revising my proposal. i think if ppl know what i'm doing, they probably would think i am so
stupid or wasting time. but.. i dont know.. when i study, i usually go back to the basic.. like... taking
massive of notes by hand writing.. always carring the writing pad, and pen. i'm very traditional on that.
i like backpack, bring books to school, write lots of notes non stop, going to the library, do lots of
thinking and discussions.. so.. yea.. that's my style. i think... being smart is important, but hardworking
is something cant be missing as well. i am not very smart, but if i work harder, i might be able to do
better. what i want is just... to get better, as perfect as i can. so.. i dont mind extra hrs of work or
hard work.. just give me enough time and some brake time.. i'm willing to do my best always. i'm not a
real lazy person. when i'm slacking, probably i'm just in need for a break to relax. work smart is very
important.. that's what honey taught me.. yea... i think i'm okay. i'm not very smart but not too stupid?
i dont know.

so yea today.. i was sitting at the library's Delifrance. having my really late lunch ard 5 pm...
after that, i was sitting and looking up to the sky.. i just wanted to cry. my tears were running in my eyes.
it was a beautiful day, the sky was clear with some cloud.. it was fine. it just reminded me of Van.
especially Steveston and the bridge across Richmond and Vancouver. of course it makes me missing
honey even more. i wrote him a letter there. i dont know.

now i'm very sleepy.. i dont know if i should take my 5th coffee which is... totally crazy. i need to carry
on doing my proposal.
brb.

>>November 24, 2008 at 9:03:21 PM GMT+8

2008 年 11 月 22 日 星期六 【晴】

Hi.

today is just... resting. i cant really concentrate on my research. it's like.. hummmm... i dont know..
maybe i am just very tired... and actually.. i have been thinking of him.
i woke up like ard noon.. then i had breakfast.. then did some reseach on the internet about Piaget and
Erikson. then... had lunch... hummm... chatted for awhile with Jun Ming and Cai Hui. humm.. nothing
much... asking Jun Ming some questions. hummmm..

i felt bad arguing with him actually. but... i dont know. i'm sad. coz... worse to the worst is... to cut off
my friendship with Rami, which i dont know if it's necessary. i dont like it. it's like... being forced to do
something you dont know what for. it's like... you gotta choose your boyfriend or your friend. and it's
like... why? is it necessary to do so? i dont block ppl or do something like that except to those ppl who
is so obsessive to me that scared me. so... i dont know. if Rami is just a new friend or i d never been
close with him then it's okay.. the thing is.. Rami was my groupmate, we studied together, we worked
together as well. he told me his stories, family background, and plans.. he told me his personal things,
i didnt think he's a bad person at all. we had been... just plainly friends. well at least that's what i would
address him. just friends. i dont know well about his culture or the place he's from. it's totally sth
new and honestly kindda strange to me, and so i dont interact with his friends or whatever. even if
we go out, we do school stuffs or work stuffs only.. we would talk at certain times, but... not about
culture or family things. we dont hang out that much, and mostly he talks and i listen, so... i dont know..
but... if this is the only way to ... solve the problems, then... i dont know. the thing is.. nowaday...
are we still necessary to be so racists to judge on things. do we judge on ppl or on the things that ppl
do. maybe in the past, history could prove that we could judge ppl based on races. but now... today..
races dont mean that much anymore? i'm Chinese.. and i understand many Chinese is terrible. i dont
mind if ppl think i'm terrible, but i know i am not that terrible. and the thing is.. what i do isnt that terrible.
many ppl look better than me, more high class than me would do the worse than i do. i dont think Rami
is so good, but... many ppl are worse than him. so.. i dont know. but if you have to make choices,
choose who to believe.... do you choose yourself or... choose your relationship so as to avoid ... to
avoid.... some dynamics?

i used to believe in diversity. but now... i just stop and think... i might need to re-consider something.
coz.. it's so difficult to accept diversity since the ppl ard you dont allow that happened to their live.
maybe they do, but just in different ways, very personal. so it's still diversity.
so.. maybe ppl would only believe in their own ways, and so ignoring the others. sigh. if that's the case
it's just too hard to live happily in the world. coz.. when you care about the others more, you care
about yourself less. coz.. it's like ppl are getting more subjective, if you care about them, you gotta
accept them and change your way when you stay with them. but it's very tiring, coz.. it's too complicated
to keep moving yourself around to adjust to the others live. Cas... why things are so complicated?
it's just too much to think about. i dont wanna think about that. if Rami doesnt talk to me again, maybe
i just wouldnt talk with him too. it would be easiler for me.

其實.. 我不知道結果如何, 只知向前不斷走. 目標很遠, 他也很遠, 我好孤單.
this is what i wrote on Facebook yesterday morning or afternoon at the office..
i said.. actually i dont knwo what would happen in the end, i just know i keep moving forward, the goal
is still very far ahead, he is very far apart too, and i am very lonely. when im working so hard on my
research, i am sitting at the office stressing out, thinking of how to do my job better at work with Ella,
i'm thinking of him, and i'm thinking of the future. planing on different things, tring to live my everyday... without him..
it's already difficult to think about work and study at the same time. i cant concentrate on one thing at
a time. and i'm very lonely coz he is not around anymore. yes, it's good that at least i can stay on the
internet chatting with him. but it's hard coz you cant see and you cant touch. i dont wanna... like...
all by myself. yea i have my family and friends.. but still.. i want him. i want him. and i want him.

i talk with Cynthia before. she said i'm more self conscious when i'm in HK coz here is my hometwon,
where i grow up in, ppl know me. but in Van, ppl are new, things are new. yes. the whole env is diff.
i live a life here, i live a life there too. it's still me. it's still me who is in love with him. it's still me who likes
Vancouver alot. it's still me the one havent given up being a flight attendent, not given up on Psychology.
so.. this is still me. no matter where i am, what i do, i'm still me. i cant escape and i cant have the sec
idendity unless i fake it.

i went to Shan's home today. we discussed on make up stuffs. trying make up on.. mainly for my
graduation. she's surprised how much make up stuffs i have. well... i collect them not as a habit..
just that i like different product and i like to make use of them haha. it's colour. so.. yea.. when i was
younger, i used to have much more tools and colours than my other classmates. coz i love colour and
love to use as particular as i could to make my own piece of art. i'm just an art person.. so yea..
we dicussed on make up.. then i left.

i dont know if i could focus on my research tonight. i hate it so much many times when i was rushing
a paper or exam i got a fight with him. and then it is just so painful for me to carry on doing my job.
it's like.. so terrible. and now i dont know. i need things done by Tue morning. so.. i basically have no
time to waste at all. and today i just didnt do much. so.. i dont know..

i think i would need to go to the library tomorrow. coz i couldnt find the books from the sources that
honey suggested me. so.. i still need to go there. but he did help me lots. coz it definitely saved at least
1 day there. i planed to go 2 more days but now only 1 day is fine. so.. yea... thanks him so much.

i dont know how longer time he needs... i dont even know if he's still mad. i hope that he's fine.
the thing is... i really dont mean to upset him.. and i dont want him feeling uncomfortable too.. so.. sigh.

>>November 23, 2008 at 4:55:42 PM GMT+8

2008 年 11 月 22 日 星期六 【晴】

Hi.

this morning was quite busy.
i was very stressed and angry actually. it's like every Sat is like that. this morning was crazy as in..
i was there 5 mins earlier coz i took a taxi. i knew i couldnt be late today. i had breakfast at home..
i did make up today, coz i will need to meet a new teacher today. then.. yea rushing to go..
i was there, then i started moving the tables around, coz she is freaking lazy to do it herself for her
class. fine. i could help, but i thought she was gonna be there too, but no. this is the sec time.
she wants this she wants that, but why not let me know earlier on? at least give me 2 hrs? no.. she is
like always the last min. i freak out not coz of the things that i cant do, i freak out coz i dont like it.
i dont like her being like that. then i wonder... if i want to be the old Castor being nice and helpful 100%
always no matter what. or i should just let her know that i cant do that anymore coz i... i grow up too.
she cant treat me that way anymore? we are friends, but at work... we should get mature now?

anyway... after she's gone.. no.. actually.. she wasnt gone, then i already got to meet the new
teacher. he is very nice.. well at least first impression and he was quite nice to me... he was kindda..
sweet.. well.. i only met him on the first day right? and when i first saw him i was kindda like... in a bad
mood stressing out at work. so i appologized to him right away that i'm sorry.. i'm just very busy at
the moment, i'm not usually like this. how're you? good that you're fine. talk to you later. then i walked
away. i was too busy. then.. yea.. when i was back to normal. i talked to him and appologized again.
he did saw my stressing face when i was in store room packing snack after the play and learn class.
coz Ella was calling me at the same time, so i was like rolling my eyes and i saw he saw me. anyway..
i just helped him with some classes today, and he seems a pretty nice guy. i'm glad that i have some
nice co-worker. Karen that teacher is really like Ella. she is ... a headache to me. why she keeps
complaining about students to me when she is supposed the one who could handel the kids but not
me? it's like... no. i wont call the parents right away if i find kids naughty. it's normal for them to be
naughty, but if you cant handel them, you should say you cant handel them. and you should ask yourself
is that only one kid or two that you cant handel or you just cant handel kids? coz it's like... many many
times in 3 weeks. and i'm not the maid who is responsible for the kids going to the bathroom. she cant
read if a kid wants to go to bathroom or needs to go to the bathroom. and it's like.. i already prepared
and packed snack for the kids, why she didnt take those from but open a new box of cookies without
asking? it's kindda like... it could be my cookies, not for the kids. how does she know?

i dont know. in the afternoon.. i just walked ard. i went to the book store. coz i was still looking for the
christmas cards. i saw that guy... the guy i saw on train before. i didnt recognize him at first.. but then..
yea.. he was like next to me.. at first he was at the opposite.. then i saw him and thought.. he looks
kindda familar.. the thing is i dont think i know that much white ppl in HK. then yea.. it's like omg. it's him?
then i walked away coz i'm not sure if it's him. then.. he moved away then i went back.. then he came
near.. and i looked.. it's him. hummm he left earlier than me.. then i walked away.. i saw a new book.
then.. i read the back page.. then i was ready to go.. then i saw him at the cashier.. then i left.. and
i saw him left too. okay. so.. i walked fast again, coz it's kindda embarassed. i dont know which way
he turned. i didnt see him afterward. so.. now i'm pretty sure he's in Tai Po too.

i talked with honey at the office.. i worked... i was kindda lazy actually.. i told Carole that.. plz forgive
me being lazy sometimes. she said she was only teasing me. haha whatever, i dont like ppl think i m
lazy even though i am sometimes. i am lazy coz i'm taking break, otehrwise i would be burnt out pretty
soon. and i dont want it happen. i just let myself slack for a while.
i like chatting with honey.. but he seems very tired.. me too... and i can see we are both lonely
sometimes. yea.. i really wish to be near to him..

back home resting... saw Rami on line.. wanna ask him about the picture thing. then catch up with him
a bit, coz he tried to meet up with me a few times ago but we didnt meet up.. dont wanna be mean.
anyway... i dont know how serious he is.. but i was shocked that he... wanted to date me. maybe he
is just desperated or i dont know.. i was shocked. and he was embarassed. well he knows that i am
with Stephen. so.. i guess he would understand. but i just didnt know that he liked me.

i told honey just now. and he's mad at me. well... he must have his reasons.. and i'm the one who made
him uncomfortable with something or someone. i dont know.

>>November 22, 2008 at 7:20:55 PM GMT+8

2008 年 11 月 20 日 星期四 【晴】

very tired.

usually the 4th day of work is my last day in a week, but this week i have 1 more day.
actually.. i'm very tired. this morning, i was doing my own thing.. then Carole came back.
helped her on some prep, then... yea.. chatted for a bit.. i was working. then.. yea..

i was late to go out for lunch.. so i just went out to grap some food and an extra coffee.
the sec cup. i dont usually have 2 cups per day. just too tired. then Carole wants to have a coffee too.
so we go out together, went to Starbucks... i tried the new cherry dark chocolate mocha. Carole wants
to pay for me.. well coz last time i bought her a coffee i guess. but actually she's very nice to me.
then yea.. we sit at the patio outside the office for awhile.. it was sunny today, nice. i love the sun.
then yea.. chatting for a short while then we went back. i was busy the whole afternoon. doing diff
things. i was actually writing something for honey this morning.. so.. yea.. Carole asked me if i m still
writing. i said yea. haha.. she then said she has never writen ppl cards or anything since no one is
replying. she still does sometimes but only e-mails. i said i like to write by hand, coz.. if it's hand writing,
you can feel it while you read it. everyone got his own special hand writing, i dont wanna hide it.
i think this way, ppl can feel your sincerity more than an e-card. i even draw something different for
each cards i write, i write different mesgs, that's why it takes me so long to finish one.. and the thing
is.. when i write for honey, i got more to write.. so.. haha.. it takes long.

today i have 2 coffee and 1 tea and i'm still very tired with a sore back.
i got a nightmare last night. i saw myself and my family went to Vancouver, but... in my dream it didnt
look like Vancouver.. anyway.. we were going to a hotel, walking on the street. suddenly, we saw
the plane was flying over head and crashing the street. we were so close, and i yelled to run. we ran
kept running.. then we went to hide up somewhere while there was a huge explosion. it's like...
so real. i was freak out.. then i called honey... i was wondering if he was okay. i was thinking like it's
not close to his place but still worried he might be on that street or something. then i got woke by my
phone.. when i got up sitting on my bed, i was still thinking of it.. it was so real. i dont really like dreams.
coz... it usually makes me more tired... especially when weird dream comes, it would have some kindda
sad things happening soon. so i dont really like it. if it's sweet dream, i would be tired the next morning
too but at least it feels sweet right?

night... Cas.
if you're lonely tonight.. just remember that.. when you wake up tomorrow, it is gonna be a brand new
day. and you gotta believe in yourself... you will be okay. everything will be okay..
omg. i miss him. Cas! stop it. you should stop. but.. i really do miss him.. i know he does too.

today i asked him... if he was here in HK, if he would come to my graduation. he said yes.
i smiled back. i really wish that he could be here. it's a big day. it's not huge but... big enough that
i wish he would be here. not just coz i wanna share the joy with him, not just i wanna show everyone
he is the one.. it's just that i wish he could be here with me on this big day. and i want him to be here
to listen me thank him in front of everyone. in my speech, i would thank lots of ppl, and the focus is not
on my personal affairs like my family and friends. my speech is mainly for my fellow graduates.. but
as i got a chance to say sth in front of everyone, i did take time to thank ppl, give them credits in my life.
since he cant come... i write him something special instead. this is gonna be part of the gift i would
give him this year.. and the thing is... i do wish that he could be here that day.

>>November 21, 2008 at 5:03:48 PM GMT+8

2008 年 11 月 19 日 星期三 【晴】

Hi.

i'm just busy these two days.
tired... sleep less... busy.... many things are going on.
i hate it sometimes, coz it's too much things going on at the same time, i'm too busy...
so i cant enjoy the fun when i'm doing things.. i mean like... when i do my school work, i like to focus
on it like at least 85%. but at teh same time i'm working on the other important stuffs at work, then...
i cant just focus on one thing. i am okay with that but... just less fun? it's like it's so hard to stay focus.
just like having two guys at the same time i guess? always easily distracted? hahaha. no.. just that
gotta be very organized and keep things on track, keep things under control.. gotta pay more efforts
on things and keep an eye on everything. very... tiring. especially i wanna enjoy doing my christmas
thing, then now... i just cant, coz i'm very tired. i feel so bad for that. coz it's only once a year, the
happiest time for me, but... blehhhh.. i dont know, i still enjoy it somehow, just .. more tiring than before.

i talked with honey these days... i wish i could be there with him. it's weird for me. coz... i m living in
HK right now, and i keep thinking of Van and him. we talk alot.. and lots of plans... it's just fine and nice,
things would work well if i were in Van now. but i'm still here HK. i love my life here, but it's still missing
alot without him. i feel lonely, i feel empty sometimes. i dreamt of him last night. i saw myself catching
the last flight to Van to surprise him. i went to his house and surprise him. he smiled so sweet in my
dream. haha he has sweet cute smile in real too actually. haha.. yea... he is sexy and cute and smart,
not only smart, but highly intelligent. he knows me well that scares me. but i dont know why he always
get me so excited. he isnt always interesting as in... like.. i'm so attracted to the charming ppl.. or
someone who has brilliant mind.. he isnt always that talkative.. but he is charming for sure, not only
outside but.. yea he's highly intelligent. and the thing is he knows me well and he's really smart.
i always thought it's hard to find someone know would be able to make me wanna lose my attitude..
well i mean among lots of guys. that guy must be smart and very intelligent, as in everything must be
better than me somehow.. so.. it's kindda hard to find. humm i cant say i'm looking for a mr. right who
has the qualities i mentioned.. but these kind of guys could turn me on so easily. and he is one of these.
but he's evil sometimes, very evil and naughty. so... i dont know. guess i'm not that evil at all but gonna
be infacted ? haha i dont know. he isnt that bad.

Carole gave me a hello kitty pencil today. so funny... and yea... busy busy.. Shan would come
tomorrow helping me on the decoration. Ella didnt finish it then left. i am not tall enough to hang those.

i'm so lonely... but when guys approach me, i am shy and... i dont want them. why's that? i'm sure i am
some attractive young lady, i'm not bad. i'm quite confident about myself. but... i'm shy infront of guys.
i'm shy infront of honey sometimes, but now i'm getting better actually. hummm he's helping me with
his weird methods. and you know what... when your guy is that smart and intelligent, it just makes you
wanna be smarter as well. i dont knwo why, i like the challenges with him. i'm so bad. but it's exciting.
interesting.

okay... i need more time to relax and rest.. and i need more time on my research. at work, it's just hard
to sit down and work on my research. it's always some calling from this person or that person. it's
always difficult to focus, coz i'm supposed to work professionally, not studying at the office. and
when im doing school work, i wanna be a professional student too. so it's hard.

hummm Cas... i know you can make it.. just... give yourself more time. i hope so.
i will see Shan tomorrow, then having a hot pot night on Sat at home.. then on Sun and Mon gotta
work really hard on my research, and would have to try some make up with Shan in the evening on Sun.
then on Tue, got a meeting with Dr. Chan for the research, then another appointment with Dr. Eicher
and Nichole to practice the speech. so... yea... right after that, i need to get back to the office to work.
busy, super busy.

i wanna relax.. i wanna just enjoy my days.. but i cant.
i wish i could lay down at night beside honey. watching tv, having late dinner.. or hanging out with
friends. but i love my family too. then i dont know.. i feel like i'm in love and i'm in lust with the same guy
which is actually good. coz... usually couple got problems when they one either one thing more than
the other.

>>November 20, 2008 at 6:11:38 PM GMT+8

2008 年 11 月 17 日 星期一 【晴】

Hi.

today is just tiring.. really.
i slept late last night, coz of that strong coffee i had.. then yea, i worked this morning.
i took a walk with Shan this morning. had a harshbrown with coffee at the office.. then got a small
meeting, then i started working on my own.. she was there with me.. thanks for the help.. really..
i dont really have time and mood to do everything on my own for Ella.. it's like..... i would do it if she is
there to do with me.. otherwise it's meaningless for me to do these for her? i dont mind ppl say i'm bad
or selfish... coz.. i do want to work on my personal things first, just like what she is doing.

she came back in the evening.. tidying up places with me.. then we disscusses on lots of work..
i reported her stuffs and briefly told her what i thought and suggestions.. she accepted. but i dont
know. coz she changes her mind pretty fast.. so yea.. it's gonna be lots of changes and movement
at the office... when she told me her ideas... i usually would say okay, and tried to figure out better
way for her to accomplish things.. but today i suggested her not to put that old small tv on my desk
in fornt of my face. she said she needed that thing there to promote her new course. i was like no.
seriously dont do that. she said the other shop does that too. i said yea, but they use a freaking nice
LCD monitor, but we are using the old small machine which would produce harmful things in front of
my face. and how about it would be a huge disturbant to me? it would be right in front of my face
and the songs would be playing over and over again. for me it's such a huge torture. it's already
freaking annoying of the next shop playing music all day long. now we got our own and it would play
in my head from 11 till 8. what the hell??

i said she could put at the other side, she said it would look strange. so it wouldnt look strange to put
it on the desk in front of my head? and it looks old fashion and stupid. it's freaking huge. and ppl would
start comparing us with the next shop. i like the little old fashion tv, i would want one in my bedroom
or bathroom seriously, but not at the office at the reception. we are not doing a little old motel business.

anyway... i left the office at 9..... humm yea.. from 11 till 9.

i had lunch with Shan.. we chatted alot... i bought some ribbon for the gifts.. i had a nice morning and
afternoon. but this week i'm gonna stay at the office form Tue till Sat. and i'm still working on the
research, i mean the literature study... beside Erik Erikson and Piaget... i 'm tracing on Susan Harter.
she has been writing researches on adolescent these years. seems like everyone from the developmental
perspective have studied something regarding her and her researches. i like her manual profile, like
the assessment and questionaire for self-concept and self-esteem.. it is really brilliant. well... she is
new, so not as original as Piaget, or Erikson.. but... who knows... maybe one day she would do better
than them. and the thing is... she is.... still working in different universities. i was in the library long..
then i couldnt find the stuffs i need.. then today i looked into the internet.. i found another 7 references
which were all the researches done before regarding the same topic. omg. i didnt know there were
so many ppl have done the same thing as i want to do. well it's good. at least i come up with some
good topic that others are interested too, and i'm still undergraduated. i think.. at my level, if i can do
some decent job, it would be not bad already. i couldnt even expact myself could do as nice.. coz
when i read their researches.. i was like okay, i understand everything till the statistic part. i do regret
i didnt work harder on those courses.. i was so lost. i guess after i have done the data collection, then
i would need help from the others on that. i dont know who to turn to, probably some friends from
school, or i gotta hire some schoolmates as my helper or something?

i like what honey said... i should work smarter, not harder.
i think i work hard.. and i'm not too stupid.. but i gotta learn to work smarter somehow.

one of the surprises today is that... honey thinks really fast, and he knows the sourses that really
helped me alot today. he helped me to find the preview of the book writen by Susan Harter. coz i was
wondering omg i need to wait till Sunday to check her book at the library which is kindda like the pain
in the ass, coz i need to wait till Sunday, and the thing is i dont like to wait, coz there are too much
unknown about the book and that affect my process on my research alot. then yea... i took a brief look
at the preview.. then i found that actually the book is great but i wont have enough time to go through
every details. i would just read it brief. then i was also looking for that manual.. lucky enough that i just
found it. it's like a pdf file. well yea... thank her so much she put that on some university site. thanks..
the thing is.. sometime ppl protect the coppy right, then they wont do that. but i think maybe she is just
very generous and helpful ? she knows that there are many students need help on that? ahahaha..
i dont know, but yea.. i found it. and so i could start reading the researches again, and go find the
original work of Piaget and Erikson. i just need the whole fame work from the whole theory of them.

then yea... i e-mailed Dr. Chan to see if i can meet him 1 week earlier, i would need to re-write the
proposal, then yea... probably gotta give him my questionaire and interview questions. the thing is..
i still havent decided yet. and then i need to call ard 10 schools to see if they would be interested
in my research and let me do that in their schools.. then hopefully i would get around 3-5 schools.
i need that. then.. yea.. it's really running out of time actually.

i e-mailed Dr. Eicher as well, to see if he wants to meet me one more before the graduation. the last
practice i guess. he is good. the last two times i met him, i have learnt something. sometimes when you
meet up with bright pll, you can just easily learn something quickly in a really short time. just like taking
a 3 hrs class. i usually feel very tired after class.. not coz of whatever.. but after listening load of
information, you do think about them.. you do keep thinking of them... let the brain to process them untill
you get something from those mesgs.. that become something meaningful to you, that's how we learn.
so.. yea... i would like to meet him once more before bye bye. coz the thing is.. we all know that he is
gonna return to the US campus after graduation.

then... i dont know... Shan has been helping me alot. she didnt ask me to do anything for her.. she just
be there to support me, listen to my moan, hahaha.. and help me to sort things out... help me to stop
Ella's talking... help me out from those 45 boxes. i still would do that.. i would.. just gotta take longer
time.. i'm one of those who likes to do everything on my own... but sometimes... i think i just gotta learn
how to seperate works and let ppl to share with me. i remember i have learnt from the class that..
a leasder sometimes doesnt need to know everything, s/he just needs to know who is good at this
or that, and that leader needs to know how to trust and use ppl wisely. sometimes you are the leader,
but sometimes being the team follower is part of the leader's job. so for me... it just doesnt matter now..
as part of the team with Shan.. i just want things done nicely. and i do appreciate her help. i dont know
what Ella's thinking.. i dont know what she would say such things to me and Shan.. i just know that..
wether she wanna promote me or not... without Shan, i might have quitted already. it's like... you can
have everything but you would still be sad. but if you can find fun when you work with others, then
you would want to stay. coz... when you earn big money and a good business you would smile, but
you have no one to share with you who is sincere with you. but if you have good ppl beside you...
even though you make less, you would still feel good somehow, coz you know... you would be valued
by someone as a human being, who that someone does concern on you in real.

i think if Ella lost me as a friend, it would be her great lost, but if she lost me as her staff... i dont know..
she is trusting but not smart enough.. so.. she better find someone who is as honest and sincere as
us to her, otherwise... bad luck does happen to lucky ones sometimes.

i had a great conversation with honey today, but he didnt reply me afterward.
sometimes... i couldnt deny on how much he has done for me to make me grow up faster. i couldnt
deny on his real heart and feelings. and i do appreciate everything of him. coz it's just him, and i found
things so real from him. but sometimes he is really.... like a mystry. sth that you would never be able
to figure out. ppl say it is an attractive thing. yea.. no doubt.. it's absolutely attractive, especially to me
this kind of curious person. but you know... maybe what i want or what i need is just something simple
and not that hard to think about. if everytime you have to play the game to win the prize... yea it's
interesting.. but being in love isnt just ... wanna try this game or that.. not for winning the prize. t's just
natural from your heart. you have it or not, that's it.

a lot of ppl are like that....
i think everyone have some selfish part... i think i do too. i want my hapiness.. but my hapiness is not
in the core of myself yet..

maybe i'm thinking too much. just like the christmas. i buy gifts without reasons. i want to but it for him,
i want to buy that for my sisters, for my parents and some very close friends. i want them... to express
my love and care to them. and i want them to feel warm and happy. i want them to know i want to
take time to.. do something to say thank at the end of the year.. i do that all the time, but.. at the end of
the year i wanna do it once more.. coz no one knows what would happen next year. and i want ppl
i care about would have a happy and warm start in the new year. at least happy for one moment from me.
sometimes... thing is just that simple. but i guess... not everyone would appreciate or understand that.
put it in the other way, ppl do things differently might just want to deliver the same mesgs. but... if you
dont do the thing that others can understand... how are you gonna commuicate?

no. i dont want extra power from the others, i just need to know who i am and be sure how i am gonna
love the ppl around me. i wanna be the better person for myself and the others, and i want my
happiness too. i wont stop being real to ppl, coz that's me. if you like it, like it. if you dont like me, hate me.
maybe it's the most stupid thing in the world.. being humanistic.. Cas... what have you done the last
life? or i should thank my parents leaving me the best genes. haha.. i should be proud of that.

>>November 18, 2008 at 6:54:04 PM GMT+8

2008 年 11 月 17 日 星期一 【晴】

yesterday was Sunday.
i woke up, chatting with honey, got going to pick up Miki, then... we started looking for a bday gift for Leggy.
it was okay... i was very tired actually. we got home... i saw honey was still on line. we chatted. yea..
it was a great time. haha. then i slept very early. i went to bed before 12. omg. it seldom happens to
me, everyone knows it. i was very sick since i was home. i slept for... ard 12 hrs. it's a bit crazy.
when i woke up this morning, no,... afternoon, i still feel.... tired.

i got up, showered, washed up... blah blah... had a piece of cookies... then chatting with honey...
i was relectant to go.. i need to go to the library today actually. i planed going in the morning, coz i know
i would need to spend a long time there. but no... yesterday i went to Sha Tin with Miki but i couldnt
buy anything, so i went to TST today before library. i went to that Marks and Spencer, and finally talked
to another sales person there, but i still couldnt find that special thing i want... they helped checking
for me for long... then no... they were all sold out =( so... i turned to the other one which was also the
one i wanted.. actually this one might be slightly better. so yea, i got this one.. and the other stuffs..
then i was like already exhusted. coz i walked like blocks from the train station to Harbour City.. then..
from there to the MTR station... then yea take the underground to Causeway Bay library... then walked
blocks to there.. i was soooooo tired.. then i just took a meal at Delifrance. nice. with the strong coffee.
then i started doing my research afterward. i looked for different books from here to there, then i stood
infront of the big shelf at the area finding the specific journals, questionaires, assessments, theories
and books from Erik Erikson, Jung, Piaget... i stayed and stood there for... 4.5 hrs or more... i made
lots of photo coppies.. so now.. i would have loads of information to go through, and then really
running out of time. and i still need to go back to the library for another one or two days... ard 10 hrs
or 12 hrs of work there. humm yes... then i hope i can catch up with the schedule i have planned.

then.. back to Tai Po... called Shan again. yea talked with her this morning about the work at office.
then tonight we disscussed about work.. and planned to have a small meeting tomorrow. hahaha..
meeting plus breakfast at the office. nice. really need to chatch up with her about the personal stuffs
too. hahaha.. then yea.. need time to discuss on many work stuffs actually.

busy busy busy..

i draw a little mesg on MSN for honey today.. dont know if he has read that. haha. i suck at drawing
on computer. then yea... i wanna watch James Bond 007 movie.. and i wanna watch The Nutcracker
ballet musical too.. Leggy might go with me. yea.. if there's only me.. then i dont wanna go. i wanna
watch it with my family.. but only Leggy is interested. or i could watch with friends, but no one
responded. i really watch it with someone close... if honey was here, i wish i could watch with him.
he would be the first choice..

actually.. it's easlier to chat with him at home.. coz when i'm at work, i'm more stressed and... i am
supposed to do work. so... yea.. then when i'm home.. it is great to talk with him espeically when i'm alone.
i miss him.. i miss the time we could spend together... no matter it's outside or home... it's always..
us... and always..... intimate. so.. i dont know.. i'm back to HK for.. 2 months already. i'm doing okay
now, but when i think of him and the time there in Van... i would still wanna cry... coz i do miss him lots
and miss the time there. and i think of my frineds too. i wanna go back there in 2009. but it would be
like at least after Feb.. or March.. i dont know yet. and the thing is... i miss him. i know he does too.

>>November 17, 2008 at 5:45:00 PM GMT+8

2008 年 11 月 14 日 星期五 【晴】

i didnt go to work today.

i slept ard 4 am.. got up ard 10 30... then... prepared to go... working on the proposal..
then... got problems with the desk top and printer.. so couldnt get the printouts.. then..... i rushed
having my lunch then rushed to go... i was 5 mins early, holding my coffee waiting at the reception.
i saw Dr. Chan.. i was nervous. we chatted for a short while.. then waited for 5 mins... no one came..
i was the only one who showed up! what a group meeting! i was so nervous. coz... the whole session
was only me and him, one on one! oh my goodness. he asked lots of questions.. and coz no one was
there, so i answered everything. i was so nervous! then he checked my topic and discussed with me..
he didnt read my proposal.. but it was good, i would write him a new one in the coming week.. coz i
wanna revise something, and i would need to do lots of research at the library these days. yea...
littterature study... then... yea.. i am supposed to send him the real proposal in 2 weeks, but i gotta
make it within 1 week, coz i need more time on the later proceess. and i'm happy i saw Karen Choo,
and Tawler today!!! i was so happy! i gave them a warm hug.

then.. yea... after that... i rushed to the salon... i did the colour and treatment today. now, my hair looks
absolutely different now. now it's way much better than last week. now i am very satisfied and proud
of my new hair. it looks great. last week i was like urghhhhh.... boo. now i smile. hahahah. okay, now
he knows what i want and what i need, so does his assistant. i like her! and yea i like him too. haha.
i wanna send them a christmas card later to thank them and wish them a good christmas time. they
dont really take day off.. so.. wish them happy christmas. when i was doing my hair, i was working on
my research... reading.. writing... then working on my schedule.. now.. my shcedule is totally full till
Christmas time. within 2 weeks, i would have no spare time at all as i see... then... after that 2 weeks,
i would have some events to get busy with... but then i cant just drop away my research.. it is just
too important to me honestly. so... my research, honey's gift would be my first priority now. coz i need
to send the gift in 10 days. i want it there ard a week before christmas. my research is just really
important to me, and i need to do everything perfect, so i am being very careful with my plan and the
schedule. i know complication would happen, so i gotta try to get things done perfect and on time, so
i would have more flexiblity later on. i have aleady got a gift for Alesja, Diana, and Karen. then i need to
buy christmas cards coz i need to send cards to Cyn, Lisa, Joy, and other friends later.

then... my Graduation thing is coming soon... then the grad photo shoot.. ahhhh.. yea... then i need to
send invitation to my friends to see if they wanna come taking pictures with me.. then before buying
gifts for my family, i need to work on Ella's paty and her baby's baptism.. and also the project at work..
sigh.. i am sorry but i would just put Ella's stuffs and the project as the lower priority.. coz i am really
busy with something really important for me. i mean my research and honey. hee.

i just need to keep trying to catch up with my schedule and the plan on my research. then of course
i gotta get the gift done for my dear honey. i know he doesnt care so much about these... but... i guess
he would be happy to recieve my gift =) hee.

okay... Shi Hang asked me out for dinner with the girls.. i wanan go but i'm thinking i might not go... coz..
i'm very busy, and i have spent lots of money this month.. so.. i guess maybe next month? then... that
guy, Terry mesged me asking me out too... hummm... the thing is... i dont mind to make a new friend..
he is my schoolmate anyway.. i am kind of curious about what he really wants. but... i guess honey
doesnt like me to go.. so... i'm thinking if i really wanna go checking who he is or i would just get to
know him more first on Facebook. if it's just catching up and making new friends.. why not.. but... if
he wants more.. then... maybe...... not.

then today on the train.. it was funny. there was a white guy sitting opposite me. i was working on my
schedule.. untill i was almost back to Tai Po. then i saw him looking at me. then i looked away. then i
looked at his t-shirt.. i found that so funny chinese writing characters and picture there. then i smiled..
then he saw me smiling and he smiled. haha.. then i looked away kept smiling. coz his shirt was really
funny. then he looked down on his shirt and pants. i looked at him and i wanted to laugh but i didnt
of course. i looked at the tv on train. it was kindda embarassing for me actually. then i got off, and he
did too. omg. then i walked very fast, and he walked so fast too. okay, i chose another path to walk
home. coz i felt like he was competiting with me! it was so funny though. he must be in my neighbourhood.
one thing for sure, he must be Shan's neighbour. i would tell her this funny story when i see her on
Mon. haha.. ask her to take note on that.

alright.. i m going to sleep... 2 am.. and i gotta pick up Miki tomorrow afternoon. i need sleep...
i need rest... i am still feeling sick this morning.. i hope i want get sicker.. coz.. i cant afford that.
i need rest and sleep.. i need to relax.. and i need him.. today... on train.. i did think of him alot.
i got my ipod with me.. and when i listened to those songs.. it just made me think of him again and again.
then i thought of our kiss, everything, and... more of course. haha. yea.. i left in Sep... now it's Nov...
2 months already... hummm....

>>November 15, 2008 at 6:12:51 PM GMT+8

2008 年 11 月 13 日 星期四 【晴】

i'm quite sick today... and tired...
back to the office, the i checked my e-mail.. and i checked the junk mail box. and i found the mail from
Dr. Chan. holly shit. the e-mail was sent on Tue. i just dont know about it. and tomorrow i should have
a proposed paper topic, methodology and related theories for that. i wrote a proposal before.. but..
i think it's not good enough.. so.. i am so stressed now.. i gotta make it good before the meeting.

busy at work.. but i enjoy the chat with honey more. really.. good to see him. i miss him.. i told him twice.
omg how can i tell him twice i miss him..

anyway.. i m so sick and i really wanna sleep..

i have lots wanna write about.. but.. i just gotta focus on the proposal first. i still need to read lots of
materials and some text books to find support for my paper. omg.. i'm so.. sick..

>>November 14, 2008 at 3:28:28 PM GMT+8